Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 19. Christo.Pher

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

Hey babies! It's the 19th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about the concept of haters. Also discussed: movie characters and how they aren't real, the idea that guys just wanna fuck, Bill Maher and his controversy, Kathy Griffin and her controversy, Rotten Tomatoes, saving the world in small ways, international donut day, and a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate and review on iTunes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply hey guys this episode is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. You understand? It's guaranteed. Blue Apron's freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook or they'll make it right. arrives ready to cook or they'll make it right.

Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. You don't do it, motherfuckers. It's congratulations, the podcast. And it is episode 19. And we've never done the 19th episode, ever. So you babies sit back, relax, and just enjoy this. I want you to relax. I want you to enjoy this like you got your hands behind your back,

like you're Bruce Willis at the end of Die Hard when he's got the gun back there, and he's about to pull it out on Alan Rickman, and then he says, yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. I want you to put that. I want you to just put your arms back like you're getting sucked off in your cubicle and just enjoy it. Not like that.

And I want you to know that this is how we do it, man. Cult city. We're building. We're building. We're building cults. I'm not doing this just for the podcast. I'm building a cult. So government, if you're listening, come get me. Let's see what went on with me this week.

First of all, I want to thank everybody for listening, really. We've got a steady stream of listeners so far. Now, not going to lie, one more. But to tell your friends, but thanks for listening. And I really like you guys for doing that. Now, some of you, and it's very weird to think about that some of you guys who like my podcast quite literally have murdered somebody and that's super odd to think about because i like that you listen to the podcast but also you piece of shit right some of you guys literally beat the shit out of dogs now i like that you

listen to the podcast but you piece of shit don't do that listen to my podcast but don't beat the shit of the dogs right some of you guys have literally there's we have enough listeners that i would imagine somebody definitely who likes my podcast has shit on another person's car now don't do but thanks for listening okay um yeah so watch yourself out there is what i'm trying to say and even though you're a nice loyal fan and you are technically baby you're a baby if you listen to this podcast and thanks for that but don't shit on people's cars. And don't beat the shit out of dogs. That's my PSA. So, yeah, don't be a bad person, pretty much. And for those of you that don't like the podcast, lick my whole asshole, as Jay-Z would say. I like to—I'm not going to call you guys haters, you know.

I think there's this notion going on. It's been going on for years and years about haters and about how people think that they, I don't, here's the, I don't like that. I don't like when people call people haters because here's the deal. It enables people who are shitty at things to then keep doing them and just think because that somebody saying that they suck, that they're now they're just haters. And it's like, well, then fuck them. I got to keep going because success brings haters. Yeah. Success does bring haters, but you know, you also know what brings

haters when you suck at what you do. Okay. If you pick up a guitar and you start singing and you're fucking 40, you probably suck. You know why? Because if you were any good, you would have picked it up sooner. So if you're, you know, deciding to play the music and shit and you 50, and then somebody saying, Hey dude, you suck. Don't do that. They're not a hater. You're a fucking idiot and you suck at what you're doing. Okay? So if you're a hater, fine. Now, I'm not saying that there are people out there that are like, ah, fuck that. They hear, you know, if Katy Perry, I always say Katy because it's spelled that way.

If Katy Perry was going to act in a movie, immediately they'd just be like, ah, fuck that. She sucks. But that's because she doesn't do what she do. But now there is a chance she could do that. And look, she's obviously got some emotional depth. She can sing with the best of them. She murders some songs and you can feel it in your soul. Maybe she's a good actress.

But my point is there are haters. But my larger point is if you're 40 and you pick up a guitar, you suck. So you don't get to hide behind that hater notion. You don't get to do that. Okay? I think Bruce Willis tried to start a band once. Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying he gives a fuck about haters.

But I think, you know, you have friends that do that shit. Oh, dude, you're being a hater. No, you're just being a fucking, you just have access to too much shit. And ye goes too big. Ye goes too big. Um, people are, uh, we live in a world now where people are uh where that's how it is though right where people just want to call people out for other shit because that's well that's the internet that's what happens right i was uh in this conversation with this girl the other day

and she was explaining to me that like guys just want to fuck. And that's not true, you know. I mean, I know I said that on Incorrigible as a joke and all that shit. But guys don't just want to fuck. I'm tired of guys getting the rap of just wanting to fuck. Right? Because I have a lot of friends out there that are dudes. And these girls and shit will be like, they're just trying to fuck me. But that's not fair. Guys don't just trying to fuck me but that's not fair guys don't just want to fuck guys

want to also sit with somebody that they can fucking have a conversation with and be cool about it and there's a lot between like because a girl will say oh you know i'll i don't just want to fuck but like we can be friends, which is fine. But there's a lot in between that, right? Like there's a lot in between that. Like, oh, oh, you don't want to be friends? Excuse me, you just want to fuck? No, no.

It's not black and white. And you're going way too far overboard. That's like saying, oh, you know. That's like saying, oh, you know, that's it's literally like saying, oh, you don't like red. Well, then you must like purple. There's so many colors you can like green. Hey, what about green? Hey, what about green?

Right. So you can be friends and also fuck. You can be my girlfriend right just fucking is uh not fair to say because no guy no guy really just wants to fuck right i mean i suppose you know you know who just wants to fuck actually married guys that cheatried guys just want to fuck. But you're not going to fucking hang out with that guy anyway, unless you're, you know, a secret, you know, philandering, really, really, you know, dark-hearted, you know.

Unless you're a secret, philandering, dark hearted bitch. Hey, you secret philandering, dark hearted bitch. No. Well then you can hang out with a guy and not worry about just fucking right. How about when a guy's like, you want to go to dinner? Um, I don't roll like that. Okay. Some guys can come off like real, real sincere and shit. And some girls will just be like, hey, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up for coffee? And then a girl will be like, ew. You secret philandering, dark-hearted bitch. Yeah, but guys don't just want to fuck. I just feel like I need to say that for guys.

A guy wants a person that they can hang out with period guy or girl. And if your girl and they're attracted to you also, they want to have sex. Yeah. But they don't just want to fuck. It's not something. I mean, I don't know. Maybe there's guys out there. It's like, nah, bro, I'm going to bang the whole summertime and that's it. Revolving door, bro, I'm going to bang the whole summertime. And that's it. Revolving door. Dude, I'm going to fucking put a revolving door in my, in my house, on my fucking apartment and just fucking basically have the ladies just rolling, pluck them and then late have them leave.

Um, I don't know. Haters. Uh, Oh, you know, what's getting hater. You know, what's getting a bunch of hate is there's this snow white, uh, movie coming out. And it's so funny. It's like one of those things that like they, they like the company it's like called like Luxor or some shit i can't remember but there's this uh snow white uh um movie coming out and it's like what if snow white was ugly and then snow white is like literally just like a little she's like plump and like it's not like she's like grotesque ugly um and and people are like fucking lighting it up. Like, how could you say just because she's plump, she's ugly because most people are

plump. So like, they're so offended by it, but it kills me that somebody is that offended by it. To be honest, that that's what, like, if I was plump, like I don't, and, and then that came out, I wouldn't really give a fuck. I guess people are just so insecure that like if somebody comes out and makes fun of something that they fucking feel like they're upset about or that they identify with and they have nothing to do except fucking tweet about it and then it becomes a viral thing.

But look, that company can do that look okay here's the thing if ugly is a word then it exists okay it's in the fucking dictionary if ugly is a word then it exists now you can't say oh but everybody's beautiful in their own way oh oh really no shit dude no shit oh you mean there aren't people who are fucking gargamel Oh, really? No shit, dude. No shit. Oh, you mean there aren't people who are fucking Gargamel? Oh, you mean fucking Gargamel doesn't exist? Oh, you mean Loki isn't real? No shit.

Everyone's beautiful in their own way. Well, all colors and shades of fucking of a human. Oh, dude. Oh, really? Everybody's beautiful in their own way and i can't go look for skeletor it's so stupid dude but if ugly exists then you can be fucking ass ugly dude and that's okay and that's fine that's fine. That's okay. Hey, there's fucking, I don't know if you can say midgets or not, but there are short people, right? You say short people now or whatever, little people, they exist. Okay. If you're saying someone is an ugly,

then you're saying little people don't exist because they do. Tall people don't exist. That's a word that exists. Some people are fat. Some people are fat as fuck. And you can say that because the word exists. If the word doesn't exist, look, you know what's fucked up? If I say someone's flally poo because that word doesn't exist,

then I'm being fucking, you know what's fucked up? If I say someone's flally poo, because that word doesn't exist, then I'm being fucking, you know. Then I just started a fucking prejudicial slur or whatever. Dude, some people I know are fucking ugly as shit. And you know what? That's okay. Yeah, they're beautiful in their own way because they're not Skeletor. Because they're beautiful in their own way because they're not Skeletor. Because they're not Loki. Because they're not fucking Doomsday, the guy who broke fucking Superman's back.

Or no, that was Bane. Or no, that was Bane who killed Batman. Doomsday killed Superman. Eh, it's a dork. Actually, it wasn't Bane that killed Superman, Chris Leia. It was, lest we forget, it was actually Doomsday. So it just makes me laugh how sometimes people just call out comic books and think that they know what they're saying when in actuality it's actually not what happened. So it just makes me laugh.

Yeah, so anyway, I got some fucking friends that are ugly as shit that's what i'm trying to say by the way i look like a bird okay so who cares if they came out with a fucking movie that was like hey what if fucking prince charming was bird and that a fucking cartoon looked like me? You think I would fucking go on the internet and be like, hey, fuck Pixar? No. I'd think, fuck, that fucking is hilarious. I look like a bird and people are going to say I look like that now and now people are going to make fun of me. And I'm going to use it to then laugh and then also churn it into success on my own life.

Right? Maybe you're just a fat piece of shit. and then also churn it into success on my own life, right? Maybe you're just a fat piece of shit. Hey, dude. Hey, if you're upset about what the fuck that company did with the fat Snow White person, hey, maybe don't be a fat piece of shit. I don't know. Probably getting in trouble for all that, but I i don't really matter that much so probably not oh and then the bill maher thing which was like how he said the n-word um i mean dude here's what i think about that whole thing. If you actually think, if you've never heard, if you, if you watch the episode and I didn't

see the whole episode, I saw the clip, but if you think that what Bill Maher did makes him a racist, then you're fucking, you don't, you don't have a grasp on what a fucking racist is. I think he, here's the bottom line he's a he's a comedian he has a show that's a comedy and he made a joke now whether or not he went too far okay that's kind of i guess that could be the point but like he you can't make the joke he made without saying that word and whether or not you think it was right or wrong that he did it to think that he's a racist is absolutely is just is off the mark dude that's

just off the fucking mark man that's like disrespecting real racists and like it's just so i mean people are calling to remove and fire his show that's just way overboard man like it's way overboard he made a joke he was trying to make people laugh a comedian doing his job what we employ him to do if you didn't like the joke if you thought it was offensive then fuck then fucking fine but to be that outraged and then call him a racist is just off the mark man it's off the fucking mark completely it's off the mark completely dude now it's hard to say i'm a white guy so i get it you. You know, you say, oh, but you're a fucking white guy. You have privilege and you don't know what that – okay, fine. He was still trying to make a joke. And he was making a joke.

And you know what? People laughed at it in that room. So they're just as guilty as he is. So fire them for being an audience member. The guy he was across from laughed. Fire him. I don't even know who the fuck he was interviewing. Probably some politician fire him um yeah

it's just uh i'm tired of this fucking outrage from i mean look kathy griffin what she did with the with the um the head the trump thing it's like, I thought that was too much. I thought what she did was not funny. Tonally it was off, but all she had to be, well, you know, I don't know if she was trying to make a joke or not. Maybe she was, I didn't, I don't know. But if she was, then she failed and fine i've failed millions of times making jokes millions a lot i don't know if i've said a million things but you know if you're if you're there and and you're in the room and you're taking the picture and you you know you take the picture and and then you think oh shit well this is crazy let's do this and fine and i don't know her apology was kind of now she's saying trump

bullied her i mean you held a headless trump with blood on it you know it's like you're bullied too i don't know i just get sensitive about the fucking the shit the whole culture is like that now though The shit, the whole culture is like that now, though. Like. I guess I don't mean to get too head, you know, like too deep because I'm just not that smart, but like. Look, look at yourself, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like people who get mad at Bill Maher and call him racist for that, I feel like they're doing that because they feel guilty about being white and being and how this country has treated, you know, black people. And that's, it's bad how this country has treated black people.

But also, that's not going to, firing Bill Maher is not the answer, is basically what I'm saying. I mean, I can't believe I'm getting this goddamn serious about this shithole podcast. But yeah, it makes me fucking angry as a human um let's talk about something lighter actually because anyway yeah no what i'm saying is look if you're fucking that makes you that up just look inside of yourself like a celine dion song or some shit because you know I read this article recently that was about uh and it it it's it's called studios are blaming rotten tomatoes for popcorn movies bombing independent.co.uk this is where the article was from um

that's really fucking funny uh because there are also god dude how ripped is the rock i'm looking at the rock right now in this fucking picture i guess it's a picture of Baywatch. Studios are blaming Rotten Tomatoes for popcorn movies bombing. That's a fucking. That's a fucking. Critic.

Rotten Tomatoes pulls the critics. Fucking. Thoughts on movies and then just gives it a percentage how do you blame critics critics just don't make shithole movies i mean i don't see these movies but popcorn movies bombing. So they're saying since it takes the fucking, I guess there isn't much to say about it. If you make shitty movies, then people are going to review them shittily. And then that's it.

It's not the people to review who reviews fault that your movie did shitty. You made shitty movie or you had bad marketing. I didn't see Baywatch. I heard people say it was funny. But so I don't know if they're referring. I didn't read the article. Obviously, like a really informed person. I just saw the headline and now I'm talking about it and didn't read the article.

So please don't take what I'm saying seriously. by the way why the fucking i can't print this shit out why doesn't why don't printers ever work you know what doesn't work two things fucking never work two fucking things never work printers and dishwashers dude have you has does anybody have clean plates has anybody had a fucking clean plate in their house? As soon as you use it, you put it in the fucking dishwasher, and you get a fork back, and it's got like some fucking soot on it that you've never... You're like, I didn't eat rust. And it's fucking... You got to wash it twice, or you got to wash it before.

How about this? How about the fact that... Remember when your mom, when you were younger, she'd be like, you got to rinse it off and wash it before you put it in the dishwasher. If I got to wash the fucking plate before I put it in the dishwasher, why don't I just wash the fucking plate? Why don't I just wash the fucking plate? We don't need a fucking dishwasher. Fuck these dishwasher companies. And then fuck also how they're like, oh, but this dishwasher works even better than the last one. You sold me the fucking last one. you sold me the last one oh but this one really works figure it out then sell it

every fucking wireless printer every wireless printer oh fuck this is this is you doing it uh where's the thing where's the fucking thing it didn't come up on the reset it reset the you know what just turn your phone off and on and then turn it back on oh no it still doesn't work reset the printer oh go through the configurations and i'm fucking at the printer now i don't need the bluetooth thing if i got to read to the redo the configuration every fucking time i can just plug it the goddamn shit in companies need to figure out the fucking look dude when dude, when I go on stage, I fucking do... I do my job.

Okay? I make people laugh. It's very rare that people don't laugh. If you make a dishwasher, if you're a fucking dishwasher company, make your dishwasher work. There's some fucking first world problems. I don't give a shit.

Don't sell this shit if it doesn't work. I don't like it. I don't like it. I always feel like it's kind of like you're stealing I always feel like it's kind of like, uh, you're stealing, uh, they're,

they're stealing money, you know, like they're trying to cut costs and make it all bullshit and fucking not do as well as they like. Did you see that? Uh, the founder movie with about McDonald's, um, and with Michael Keaton, Michael Keaton was really good in that movie.

I can't, um, I can't believe that McDonald's got behind it. It's a movie about McDonald's and about the, the, the, the, how it expanded, how it turned it, how it was a, um, a family owned thing. And then how this Michael Keaton guy, whoever he played was a um a family-owned thing and then how this michael keaton guy whoever he played was a real guy came along and started like franchising it and how he fucking bought this family out and ruined their family's like company and mcdonald's obviously had a lot to do with the movie because they used the name you can't use the name if mcdonald's doesn't say it's okay so they saw this movie about this guy being a ruthless psychopath and we're like mcdonald's was like yeah cool we like that movie go ahead that's so

that made me a fan of mcdonald's like i don't eat that bullshit because cancer, because when you put a burger in your mouth, that's like saying, Hey, give me cancer. Um, but McDonald's was like, yo, we,

we, this is what we did. So fuck it. And they didn't really romanticize it. Uh, they just were like, the guy was a piece of shit and they made it, they made him be a piece of shit.

And it, it shocked me that McDonald'sdonald's fucking you know the movie's okay it was it was it wasn't bad it was just like weird it was like weird that mcdonald's was was basically saying this guy was a piece of shit and then our company became huge and we watched the movie and now we know what fucking the secret's out, but nobody gives a shit. They'll still cram fucking burgers in their faces. They still want cancer. Yeah, I don't know.

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Do it. Anyway. For your consideration, fucking vote this podcast for an emmy i i love i love the for your consideration shit it's so funny man they'll have like for your consideration and they'll do the worst shows like because like some actor they want to just impress him the for your consideration some of them are great like it'll be like mr robot and fucking you know for your consideration some of them are great like it'll be like mr robot and fucking you know for your consideration house of cards and you're like no shit you don't even need this billboard you don't even need to take that this ad in variety it's already going to get nominated

but my favorite is when it's like for your consideration fart mcgillicuddy and poopy head shit balls on fucking poop the broadcast central station pieces of shit fuck and you're like like you're not going to get nominated who are you trying to impress the fucking guy who's in the wheelchair in your in your in your show dude there's you know what bothers me too they try to make every show politically correct like there's always a guy in a wheelchair or a gay guy in every show and that's offensive to guys in wheelchairs and gay guys. But nobody thinks that because everyone thinks we're doing it right because, Hey, they finally got their shot. There's so many gay guys on TV. I can't even believe it. Every character is gay. Every show

has got a gay guy now. And they think that that's like, these network executives will be like, well, maybe one of them should fuck guys. And then that makes their show like culturally relevant. They start all back. That's like literally being like, hey,

maybe we'll make one of the guys a black belt in karate. That's not, you know. Have it start from the fucking inside out, not the outside in, dude. Even when they do it with like basic shit, like sex in the city, how one person had blonde hair, one person was a brunette, one person was a redhead. How many fucking redheads do you know? And one of the fucking, they made one of the characters a redhead. Like each woman was a fucking one of your friends.

Look, this one liked to sleep around. And that's her personality. And this other one, she was the quiet one that didn't do much like people aren't like people aren't all all of that you know like people like like there aren't like hey if you fuck a lot of guys that's who you if you fuck a lot of guys, that's who you are. You fuck a lot of guys. No, no. You also not that you also sometimes don't do because you're real person. I don't know, man.

That's why good shows like fucking real good shows like fucking Sopranos and The Wire, I guess. I mean, no, that was less of a character-driven piece. But like Breaking Bad and shit, like you just like, and Mad Men. You're just like, the bad guys are the good guys, and the good guys are the bad guys. I like seeing that shit, and people like seeing that shit and that's what fucking makes you want to go back to watch the show i mean look there's that and then there's also big bang theory which is nothing like that and that's fine and that's comforting and it's funny and people love that show and it's obviously very successful and it's killing it good for them that holds its place in in in what we need to in what in in entertainment

i don't know dude um by the way i was at the comedy store the other night and uh um i went on stage and you know i feel like i had a good show i'm working this new material that uh i was that i was not on man on fire which comes out june 27th on netflix only um and so i had a good set and i brought up jo Joey Diaz on stage. A lot of you guys know Joey Diaz. And God damn, that guy is fucking funny, man. I mean, he is just so fucking funny, man. And he just leveled the place. Then I watched Brody Stevens, who also is fucking so funny the two of them together

back to back was just it was so funny and then I saw this guy Steve Simone which who is so also so fucking funny at the comedy store man the comedy store I was just sitting there watching these guys and you know after I went on and

like I literally feel so lucky to be among those guys and to be performing on that stage and to be in this moment in time too because of how big and good comedy has gotten to be there on a on a fucking what was it when when what it was today what's oh so it was a sunday night on a sunday wow way off oh wednesday no the the exact opposite of wednesday sunday oh okay the furthest away from okay so the fur first away from Wednesday. To be doing that and to be, it just, it felt awesome, man. I was sitting back and I don't really watch comedy that much because you're there and you've seen it a lot. And I've been traveling and you do your own thing. You get hooked into your own shit.

But I sat and I watched Joey and Steve, Simone and Brody. And man, it just, it gave me a feeling that felt so good. It felt so full, you know, like almost how it feels like when I'm with my family having dinner, I get like a war, an actual warm feeling in my heart. Like, and it feels good because I don't normally feel that feeling that much because you get so consumed with the daily life of it all and you're fucking navigating through your own shit that when you actually realize oh shit i feel good right now and you sit and you try to not take advantage of it and you or i'm sorry you try to take advantage of it and you try to sit and just realize you're feeling that way and not take it for granted is what I'm trying to say. Um, is just, is just,

it makes me feel so lucky and fortunate and happy. And it's awesome to be there at the comedy store. This place is on fire, dude. These comedians that the lineups every night are insane. And, and every show is sold out always i love when my friends text me oh man i'm here i didn't realize it was gonna be sold out oh you didn't

realize it was gonna be sold out with fucking joe rogan david spade fucking joey diaz uh um uh Anthony Jeselnik, fucking Sebastian. You didn't realize it was going to be sold out when any one of those guys could sell out places four times as big? Like, it's just awesome. Judd Apatow all the time. I mean, all these guys can fucking sell shit out um ali wong eliza schlesinger i mean these guys they're all everyone here is selling out all across the country and people show up and try to get tickets like they're and and you drive by sunset and the lines down the block it's it's the best it's the best i was talking to

rogan the other day and he was like dude i he's a comedy's never been this hot since he's been a fucking doing comedy um and that's just crazy i mean it's definitely never been as hot since i've been doing comedy but i've been doing it since i've been doing since i've been doing stand-up but i've been doing it since not that long of as as rogan and that's what he said so that's fucking awesome um i'm just so happy about it you got to check out the comedy store the other clubs are good too man but the the comedy store has some kind of pulse to it right now um and that's that's's, it feels like important. Well,

this guy made this. I'm looking at this now. I'm looking at the congratulations pod, Twitter at hashtag definition of a Cuda. Have you seen this? You don't want to fall with me. Definition of a cuda have you seen this oh my god that's fucking hilarious dude ldn will at ldn will holy, that's fucking hilarious, dude. LDNWill.

At LDNWill. Holy shit, that's hilarious. I'm going to retweet that right now. He fucking gamed the system hard. Oh, man. I mean, it's his first fall picture of Drake with Lil Yachty kind of type hair. Oh, my God. That's hilarious.

I'm going to play that again. That's cool, dude. I like it. i love when people make shit dude like that it's such an ego boost and i'm such a piece of shit and it makes me laugh oh man i i love how people hit me up hey what's the song on on on congratulations i I had it made. How can I get it? I had it made. I paid for it. I had it made because it's saying congratulations over and over again. It's by Mr. Green, who's a hip hop producer and he's great. He did a lot of Chank Smith's music. i don't know if you guys know chank smith but you should look him up um this is a good one penza at penzaman franklin change it don't be so cute bro you change it hey dude you grown male change it penzaman franklin after your recent acting work being serious not comedic do you think you want to do more serious roles in the future? That's honestly what I want to do.

That's all I want to do. I'd like to find the fucking humor in the roles, a little of them, but like real-life humor, you know? I want to do, like I said, like I want to play a Japanese man with no makeup and do it real, for real. That would be funnier. Um, but I,

I do, I want to do like my comedy outlet, dude, I don't, there's so many corny comedies that come out nowadays. I just, I'd rather just do my style of standup and then do like actual real roles that are like real kind of real or characters. I don't want to play a guy who's like

whoopsie you know i want to play a fucking actual person that charges me more um yeah that was by pensum and franklin so thanks change it um it um oh i talked about this somewhere the other day and um so this guy comes into this coffee bean and i'm in the coffee bean it's on the he's on the patio and he's got like i don't understand what this is and i don't know if this happens everywhere else in America. But in LA, if you sit at a coffee shop long enough, there will be someone that shows up with an old AM FM radio that plays it for everybody. And it'll be like the radio. And he's just playing the radio. And this happened the other day. This guy fucking had the radio, showed up, put the radio on the table, sat down, and was listening to the radio. Now, he was an older guy because who the fuck has an AM FM radio

except unless you're 70. But this guy was playing it for all of us. I don't remember what song it was, but not all of us wanted to hear that song. Get headphones. Not all of us wanted to hear that song. Absolutely get headphones. Now, okay, you might be like, well, maybe he can't afford headphones. Fine. Keep the goddamn radio then somewhere else or off. So the guy's sitting down having the fucking radio on playing. By the way, the commercials are

playing too, getting real angry. I don't want to have to be a sucker for this advertisement. This guy's just fucking. So I get up, I walk over to the guy and I fucking look at the AM FM radio. I find the stop button and I hit stop. And then I walk over to my, now I expect this guy's going to be like, you motherfucker doesn't say shit. I walk over to my table, sit back down. And that's the end of the story. I thought it was going to be a fantastic, crazy story that this guy was going to want to fight me or something but like and here's the deal i didn't want to get into a confrontation i didn't want to get into a fight obviously i never want to get into a fight but if you're going to bring an amfm radio to a cafe or a coffee shop

or anywhere in public you're breaking the fucking rules period i know it's not against the law well it actually kind of is is noise pollution but you're breaking the rules okay so i walk up and i fix that you broke the rules so johnny mnemonic comes by and fucking pauses your goddamn radio. I saved the world right there. I saved the world. And I don't mean that tongue in cheek. I'm saving the world when I do that. And you are too.

Okay. You got to fucking help these motherfuckers out. You're helping them. you're helping them you're helping them if you turn off this radio you're helping everybody around and you're also helping them know how to be the guy got up took his amfm radio walked all the way down to the other side of the patio where i wasn't on started playing the fucking music again. Okay. There were three people next to him having like some sort of a, an actual discussion. Maybe it was a business meeting or something. This guy plays it just as loud as it did. Okay. The woman in the table gets up,

walks over and says, excuse me, sir, can you turn that lower, please? And he does. And then she walks back down. Now, she saved the world, dude. And I mean that. Lunatic. Lunatic. Those guys at the gym that do that. They bring a little fucking AM, FM thing.

Hey, man, I don't want to listen to Journey while I'm doing Skullcrushers. I want to listen to what is in my ears. That's why I brought the shit and put them in my ears. Or I want to listen to nothing. How about that? Or I want to listen to music at the gym. Dude, it's just when someone takes it upon themselves to play the fucking music for people, I want to do roundhouse kicks repeatedly to their face. It's the same as fucking picking up a guitar and playing it at a party.

It's actually, that's way worse, but it's still bad. Don't let these motherfuckers get away with that shit. You know why, dude? You know why you don't let these motherfuckers get away with that shit you know why dude you know why you don't let these motherfuckers get away with this shit i'm gonna tell you why i can't deny it i'm a fucking rider you don't want to fuck with me definition of a Fucking internet goddamn motherfucker. Cool. Hey, internet. Way to ruin the joke.

Hey, internet. Play it. Hey, internet. Play it. Dude, don't have the internet if it doesn't work. Don't have the internet if it doesn't work. Cool. Not working.

Yay! The internet's not working! Yay! That's what I want to do when I'm fucking pissed off. I want to go, yay! What is this here okay uh here we go uh oh this is a there's a there's a a video and this bugs the shit out of me there's a video at the laugh factory uh youtube that of me fucking with this guy in the crowd

and his name is dylan and it's got like three million hits or something and it's Dylan O'Brien the movie star I guess you'd say he's kind of a movie star actually this was way before he was a on Teen Wolf or anything right and he looks 12 and it's obvious it was way before anything and it drives me nuts that people comment, hey, did you know you were making fun of the guy from fucking, what's the movie he's in with the Maze Runner? Oh, no, I didn't know that because I'm not a time traveler. I didn't know that because I'm not in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. That's why. But only, do you know the reason why I didn't know that? Only because I'm not the Sky Captain and I'm not in the World of Tomorrow.

That's all. That's it. The only reason why I don't know that that's the guy from Maze Runner is i'm not scott bacula in quantum leap um yeah so and then people will be like dude and every comment is did you know this was dylan o'brien well yeah because everybody commented it be rich i know it's free conch and you can comment whatever you want but be rich be rich it's free conch you can comment everyone whatever you want all day long but be rich whatever you want all day long, but be rich. That's the thing, dude.

Yeah, you can play an AM FM radio in a cafe for everybody, but be person. Be person in society, right? And that's a situation where you can't be rich, okay? Because you're bothering everyone else at the fucking coffee bean. And that's the fucking time where if you do that. I can't deny it. I'm a fucking writer.

You don't want to fuck with me. Definition of a cooter. Definition of a cooter. I love how it was big. Tupac was like, cooter. Definition of a writer. I love how Tup big. Tupac. Definition of a ride. I love how Tupac would do that shit. Definition of ride. That's so funny.

So anyway, yeah, let's look at more gaming, the systems, and then I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Congratulations pod. Chill in. Thanks for listening to these. guys we're just chilling at your workplace you know hey internet doesn't work yay internet doesn't work i can't look at the congratulations pod hashtag yippee how about when it was

international donut day or whatever the fuck piece of shit that was remember it was donut day and everyone was like can't wait to eat donuts. Eat donuts when you want to eat donuts. You can't fucking have a day. Dude, you're not going to tell me when to eat donuts. You're not going to fucking tell me. You're not going to get me to want to eat donuts because it's a specific day. What the fuck am I, an ant?

What am I, a fucking, that's CUDA shit. That's a fucking definition of a CUDA. You see something, you want something. Because you're a fucking barracuda. Do your own shit. That's a fucking definition of a cuda. You see something, you want something because you're a fucking barracuda. Do your own shit. If you ate a donut on international or national donut day, whatever the fuck it was, you cuda. Eat cuda. Dude, eat a donut. Fuck that. Eat a donut the day before and the day after. Eat a donut on the national donut day, eat a cuda. Don't do that. day, eat a coda. Don't do that. Valentine's Day, eat my fucking asshole. And I hate it too, because if you're with a girl, you got to celebrate it. Even if the girl's like, no, it's like a Hallmark holiday. They made it, you know, they created it just to make money.

Don't say that when deep down you want flowers. Don't say that when deep down you want flowers don't say that when deep down you want 40 chocolates don't say that when deep down you want sushi and you want me to pay 210 for a meal don't say right oh i don't know but then and then you feel okay so we won't do anything so then you feel bad though when your friends do something when your friends got chalk, when your friends got flour and your friends got 210 dot sush. You eat a donut on National Donut Day? Can't talk to you, dude. Can't trust you. Can't trust you.

I can't deny it. I'm a fucking writer. You don't want to fuck with me. Definition of a cooter. trust you. Thanks LDNWILL. Will I am dude? The name will I am, you know? Fucking will I am. Will you not? William? Okay. Will I am? Nah. Hey, nah. Dude, real quick. Hey, dude, will I am real quick? Yo, hey, real quick. Nah. Hey, will I am real quick? You William. You put a dot in the middle of your fucking name oh cool you're a robot you're not a robot take the dot out hey india dot re india dot re dude i'm gonna be k dot ris cristo dot fur hey dude you got you put a fucking period in your name holy mother fuck you gotta be an enraging an enraging asshole you have to be an unbelievable i mean well i mean you know cristo dot fur imagine imagine that imagine meeting somebody with a

fucking period in their name i do roundhouse kicks to the face all day long in my mind i do roundhouse kicks to my face to the face all day long in my mind wow all right dude well we're about to wrap it up um apple introduced a new computer that's ten thousand dollars so that's cool so go buy that if you're you know go buy that everybody seems like everyone will probably be able to afford that and they came up with apple home too which is cool man cool way to go way to go to do that even though there's alexa and fucking all the other things every company is the same company cool oh uh oh instagram and snapchat oh instagram

is going to do the filters oh cool oh instagram is going to do the filters and they're going to do all the filters that the fucking that snapchat does and then when i post someone else's photo they're going to take it down and flag it. Hey, pick one. Hey, oh, you're going to rip Snapchat from the fucking bones. And then when I post a picture that's from stock photo, you're going to flag it. Hey, Instagram, pick. Hey, I have a really simple thing for you. Pick. Right? Hey, don't do that.

We'll do it. That's what you're saying. Hey, you can't do that. We'll do it. Instagram. Hey, you can't do that. We'll do it. I mean, you know, that's a fucking motherfucker, right?

Hey, don't post a picture someone else posted. By the way, we're Snapchat now. Oh. Motherfuck. Motherfucking definition of a cooter alright well we gamed the system we talked it all out

and we had a good time and I just want everybody to know I'm gay no I'm kidding but what if I did come out like that at the end of my podcast after all that dumb shit I said and then by the way guys I'm gay I'm a homosexual and I've been fucking guys for so long and I'm coming out of the closet now and it feels terrific I'm out now um all right so that's it, man. We did it. The 19th episode.

Listen to me, guys. Listen to me. I'm not going to keep doing this podcast if you don't tweet about it, if you don't get your friends to listen, if you don't get them to fucking rate and review it, if you don't do it, not going to do it. If you don't do it, I'm not going to do it. How am I going to fucking make this cult? How am I going to fucking keep you babies for real if you're not going to do it. How am I going to fucking make this cult? How am I going to fucking keep you babies for real? If you're not going to be my babies.

And if you're not going to fucking be in my cult and do the cult duties, dude. Get on the fucking ball. Tell people about it. If you don't, gun stop. If you don't think I'm gun stop, really? Let's take a moment in history, dude. I used to do 10-minute podcasts. Stop.

Didn't get big enough okay i'll stop again bro um yeah so you know i got upcoming show dates coming out uh go to my website crystalia.com i got crazy shit going to baltimore? I'm going to go look at and take the fucking wire tour. I'm going to look for Trayvon Barksdale or whatever the guy's name was. And and and then also West Palm Beach. Dude, you want to chill? You want to come out in white linen? Come see me in West Palm Beach because they definitely wear white linen there. They got fucking wear the same color shorts

as they do shirts. Everybody. Hey, did everybody take a fashion tip from P. Diddy in West Palm Beach? Yeah, but they're 70 also. So if you're young, come out, please, because, you know, don't want them all to be 70 because that's a retirement community. No doubt. It also feels like it's in the Truman show because it's very weird. I'm going to be in. Let me look at some of these dates actually here. I'm going to roll off. I'm going to rattle off a few and then you guys go get tickets. Montreal.

I'm going to be in Montreal. I'm going to be in Atlantic City, Baltimore, Atlantic City, Huntington, New York, two shows, West Palm Beach, Austin, Texas, Albuquerque, New Mexico. Why? Don't know. Montreal, Nashville, Tennessee, Salt Lake, Utah, Phoenix, Arizona, Tempe, Arizona, Spokane, Washington. Why? Charlotte, North Carolina. Very hard to sell tickets there.

Irvine, California always sells out 75 months beforehand. So get your phone. I don't know what it is about that, man. So get your tickets. Also doing more. So that's what's up and also what else do I want to say before I go

Man on Fire June 27th baby my new special comes out on Netflix so put that in your queue Man on Fire June 27th tweet me at hashtag congratulations pod. Rate and review the show. Really.

iTunes, Google Play Stitcher. Tweet about it. Instagram story about it. Snapchat it. Get that fucking word out there if you're a true baby. All right? I really appreciate that. And don't forget to check out this week's menu.

I really appreciate that. And don't forget to check out this week's menu. Sign up and get the first three meals for free with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. Have fun, my babies. Congratulations. Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Motherfucking Motherfucking

Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking