Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 190. Bury Me With a Capri-Sun

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  In this week's episode Chris discusses the relationship between attractiveness and acting ability, Godzilla Vs. Kong, Tom Hardy's height, and what hell will be like. He also has some thoughts on farts. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 🎉 Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  🔔 Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  🎽 Merch: https://store.chrisdelia.com  🎧 Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/2Knvv7v  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/  Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. So for our 40th anniversary, we're having our biggest celebration yet. And whether you've been an Aeroplan member for one year or 40, we're making you the guest of honor. So join the celebration with special Aeroplaniversary offers and 40 chances to win a million points at aeroplan.com slash 40. Rules and conditions apply. What's up, baby? This is another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. What's up, baby? This is another episode of Congratulations. And fucking let's get right into it. Dude, hot take coming in. June and July shouldn't be back to back.

They should rename those fucking months, period. I always say June instead of July and July instead of June. It's like the names Dave and Dan. Pick one name and have every Dan or Dave be Dan or Dave. Not fucking, you know what I'm talking about. I say June instead of July. I say July, June. And I get my shit mixed up, man. And people will be like, hey, you're supposed to be here. And I'll be instead of July. I say July, June, and I get my shit mixed

up, man. And people will be like, hey, you're supposed to be here. And I'll be like, what? We said July 9th. And he said, no, it was fucking June 9th. I look back, sure enough, June 9th, and I fucked it all up for the month. Anyway, that's not my fault. Yo, you got months like fucking November and shit in there? Mix it up, dude. Mix it the fuck up. Mix it the frig up. I'm Mormon. Mix it the frig up, dude. July and June are together? Oh, really? They weren't March and May together, dude. They're not. They got April in between them. We talk about the hard-hitting issues. We talk about the hard-hitting issues. Welcome to NPR. June and July should not be together.

Let's take our first caller. Dan. Dan, how are you? Hey, it's actually Dave. My bad. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. Message C. If you're in the 80s, you know what's up, dude.

That's what used to happen when you leave the fucking phone off the hook. They shouldn't annoy you like that back in the 80s, dude. They shouldn't have annoyed you. When your phone's off the hook, that should have been that ass. No phone should have been fucking... You ever do that? You ever across the room... And then you got to get up?

What if you just wanted to leave the phone? There? You fucked up. You fucked up, dude. Um, anyway, June and July spread it out. Put fucking November in between it. It should go January, February, March, April, May, June, November, July. Oh, that's the other thing too. September, October, November, July. That's the other thing, too. September, October, November, December. You're going to have all the ember fucking months together? Fuck off, dude. Who made that shit up? Greeks, probably? Way back when?

Yeah, they did, dude. Who made up the calendar? It was fucking some Greek guy who only covered his shoulder and nothing else. Anyway, dude. It doesn't matter who made it, whoever did it. Fucking what was the guy? I was watching all those shows. Some guy.

It doesn't matter, dude. But we're still trying to figure it out in the back of our heads, even though we're going to move on to something else. Ah, yes, dude. So, yeah, that's how it is. That's how it is. I think also I was talking about, this is another thing. I was talking about hot actors like Brad Pitt and, um, who else is fucking hot? Like Chris, well, there's another one that puts the theory on its ass. Christian Bale. Women can be really good at acting and really, really beautiful. Hot dudes are usually fucking terrible at acting, usually. But there are exceptions. Christian Bale, Brad Pitt is a very good actor. Super hot. I actually think Brad Pitt is a better actor than he is hot.

Because I think that he's a bit hot guy, which deducts points. Christian Bale, very, very handsome, very attractive and sexy, but not fucking model Brad Pitt kind of guy. You know what I mean? Not fucking Aqua DiGiorgio hot in the 80s laying by a pool like this.

Kind of hot. That's that Brad Pitt shit. George Clooney, super good looking, pretty damn good actor. But when you talk about like Julia Roberts, beautiful, but also doing dry heaving type acting where you're like, oh, she found her fucking daughter in a dumpster all dead. And she's like, you know what I mean? You're like, God damn, dude.

Is a real daughter in there? I mean, how many women are good? Heather Graham kills it, dude. Kills it. I think she's amazing, dude. She's so good. And who but who else, though? Kills it, dude. Kills it. I think she's amazing, dude. She's so good. And who, but who else though?

There's other fucking beautiful women that are so good at acting. They don't get the props that the fucking, male or female, you don't get the props that the uglies get. You don't get the props that the uglies get.

You don't. Philip Seymour Hoffman, bam. The guy from fucking Big Fat Liar who did the voice over to the sons of sam paul giamatti bam he gets the credit brad pitt could act his ass off and do a paul giamatti type dry heave acting brad pitt could be fucking paul giamatti level style type acting in fucking Kingspeech. Just, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I.

And people would be like, next. Colin Firth won a fucking Oscar because he's pretty okay, kind of handsome. If it was Brad Pitt-level, just, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. He wouldn't even got nominated. He would have got snubbed city, dude. Snubbed city for fucking Colin Firth. Drinking coffee for those watching, for those listening, smoking a bong. So anyway, dude, I know about my bong shit. I know about bong. Um, I know about bong.

Uh, yeah. So who else puts that shit right and then my girl was like you know who fucking breaks this you know who shatters the stereotype that hot guys can't act and i said who and she was like tom fucking hardy and i was like he's he's a damn good actor and he's pretty fucking sexy but i have a feeling tom hardy is five nine just gonna put that out there don't know how tall he is um also there's the level of acting that christian bale can do daniel de lulu can do fucking robert de niro can do fucking Robert De Niro can do, Al Pacino. These guys all do it and fucking kill it. Al Pacino could, oh, dude, if he was in King's Speech,

they would have given him two Oscars. Oh, I, I, I, I, I, I. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, I, I, I, I, I, I. I. I. They make good choices, dude. De Niro makes good choices. These guys are good.

You know who fucking ripped? And let me just actually tell you right now. I had no idea this guy was a good actor. As a matter of fact, before this movie that I saw, which was fucking terrible. And I could say that now i could talk about what movies are bad and what movies are good now because i'll never be in any movies but um this guy was so good in this movie i thought he was a bad actor because he was handsome but this guy was the only good thing about this movie is it fucking king kong versus godzilla or

godzilla versus king kong i don't know what it called. There was an old one called one of the ways. And then the new one is called the other way. I think this one's called Godzilla versus King Kong. And the one in like the forties was King Kong versus Godzilla. I don't know why they didn't just fucking, why did you change it? You know, the SARS guard guy, I don't know what his first name is because i think there's another actor that's last name is sars guard sars guard must be like the dutch smith or whatever the fuck swedish smith it's got two a's and a fucking k in it a 2k it's weird it's a weird last name Scott Scott. And, um, that guy is so good in the Kong Kong movie because he is so, I didn't know he could do character shit. It was like Tom Cruise when he played the fucking guy in a tropical thunder. I almost said jungle fever. Um, and, uh, tropical thunder. Uh, and Tropical Thunder.

When Tom Cruise came in and did the dancing, it was the fat bald guy. But what's his name? Fucking Skarsgård? Is it Peter? Alexander, dude. Alexander Skarsgård. Too many syllables.

Hello, syllables for sale. Alexander Skarsgård was's like i'll have 12 and uh and he did a character acting in that movie and he was so good now let me tell you another thing that movie made no sense i thought when i was watching the movie i was like oh i'm a dumb fucking idiot i can't understand understand King Kong or Godzilla versus King Kong. Or if I was Japanese, I'd call it Godzilla, which is weird how sometimes Japanese guys say sneak in English words, but kind of make it a little Japanese shit. A Godzilla. Well, actually, Godzilla is Japanese, so whatever the fuck, but you know what I mean?

A Godzilla. And he's in that movie and he's good. And that movie has 900 leads. Why is everybody in that movie, a main character dude, so many people in that main character in that movie, oops, got a tumor. So many people in that movie are leads in are the lead. They've got fucking so many people in that movie, by the way, dude, first of all, let me go back to this. I thought the movie was not going to make any, I thought it was dumb i was like this is am i a dumb oh i'm a dumb fucking idiot you ever watch a movie like okay i'm a dumb fucking idiot this is king kong i should get it this is godzilla versus king kong i should get it watch the movie

all of a sudden i feel like okay i'm a dumb and then i text my friends during the fucking godzilla versus king kong Am I a dumb fucking idiot? And my friend said, no, don't worry. That movie fucking makes no sense. And I was like, really? Then I was like, what's this robot Godzilla? And he texts back, I don't know. And I said, well, who's the scientist that created it?

And why did he do that? And he wrote dot, dot, dot to destroy the world. And I wrote, why? And he said, i don't know they don't give a fuck these hollywood guys i thought that they make movies i i'm not sure if they i'm not sure what's worse and i'm not sure if you don't give a fuck about i think i have what's worse okay so there's two things you can do here you can create the there's a part first of all there's a part in the movie where godzilla is dying and they need to revive

him and this alexander skarsgård guy is like, I got it. I got the idea. And I'm as a watcher, I'm like, whoa, he's got the idea. How the fuck are they going to revive King Kong? He's like, I'll fly my plane, park it on his chest and we'll explode it. And then his heart will start beating again. And I go, oh, but that doesn't make sense. And he did it and it happened and it worked and then there's another part where godzilla's in the middle of the world in the middle of the earth all upside down and also right side up and shit and he has to get back to tokyo what am i even saying this is actually what happens in the movie though

and he has to get back to tokyo so godzilla breathes a fucking hole from tokyo to the center of the earth and then fucking king kong floats through it and then kills him with an axe that happened to be in the middle of the earth ah that's real that's a real movie oh dude what i want to know is here's the thing if the people with the franchise are like who gives a fuck dude we're just gonna put out this bullshit it's gonna be worldwide people in japan and asia they don't give a fuck as long as there's fighting with big monsters and they say well what about like people in america and they say america is a fraction of what we're gonna make and they'll just watch it anyway any two because it's king kong i respect that get those bags motherfucker get those motherfucking ass bags okay but i have a feeling that it wasn't that. I have a feeling that it was, oh, I got it.

Just like Alexander Skarsgård in that movie. The exec was like, I got it. He'll fly the plane on the chest and then put it on King Kong's chest, explode it. And then King Kong's heart will start beating again. And then the other guys are like oh yeah but there's got to be one or two me's in there that are like hey but yo about the sense about it and then they say it's a fucking big lizard and an ape who gives a shit it was such a bad fucking movie and the thing about that movie was the only people in that movie were people that,

um, that people that nobody saw that people like didn't understand. Like you've seen them before, but we're like, like who genre no was in 1990 where you were just like, who's that fucking person? Oh, she's from what the The lead in it, the fucking Alexander Skarsgård, who I didn't even know his name until right now. The guy for his, to me, he's the guy from True Blood, which I never saw that. And then there was also the fucking guy who was, the only person I do know their name is

fucking Millie Bob Thornton and fucking, uh, the fuck's her name? Millie Bob Thornton, Millie, Millie, Bobby Brown, Millie, Teddy Pendergrass. Why is her fucking last name? Bobby Brown. Isn't that a fucking Millie Peebo Bryson, dude, Millie Peebo Bryson, dude. Dude. Millie Peebo Bryson, dude. Wow. How much does Peebo Bryson get fucking paid? 50 grand to come to somebody's birthday party and sing.

Dude. Hey, what's happening, guys? Hi, I'm Peebo Bryson. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. It's a happy, happy birthday to you it's a happy happy birthday to people bryson he still says his name even though it's fucking mary's birthday he doesn't give a fuck and then he goes happy birthday to you and he goes and fucking and puts out all the candles with himself and he goes good day where's my check and um millie pop pop millie bob millie bobby brown was in it and uh she was in it and that was she's a good actress but why was she in it and then someone and then the fucking guy who

plays her dad is the fucking guy from that show, The Daily News, and also the King Kong guy in the other King Kong movie. It's so confusing, dude. And he is a good actor, and he was in Blood. What the fuck's that movie on, show on Netflix? Blood, not Blood Sport, Bloodline, Bloodline. Who's that guy? They're all the guys that are fucking in other movies where you're like, oh, yeah, oh, and the girl from the fucking town is the lead.

Who, I don't know her name. Put fucking Tom Cruise in it, dude. God damn it. Put fucking Harrison Ford in it, dude, if I'm watching King Kong movie with Godzilla, put goddamn Matthew McConaughey in it, dude, like that movie Rain of Fire with Matthew McConaughey and Christian Bale, where they fight dragons, that's the ticket, dude, Matthew McConaughey and Christian Bale, that's the fucking ticket, dude, they got dragons and shit in it.

I want to see those motherfuckers swimming swords and axes and one guy lives underground and one guy lives overground and one guy's in the faction and runs it and then that guy needs the guy underground to help because he's got the fucking bull with the people, even though the guy above ground is more strong and more of a hunter. You know what I'm talking about?

I wrote it, dude. I wrote that right there. I just wrote that right there, dude. I could have never wrote, as dumb as that movie was, I could have never wrote it, the King Kong Godzilla thing. How do you write shit like that?

Honestly, like, and I don't even mean the logistics of it, which don't make sense. How do you write shit like that? Honestly, like, and I don't even mean the logistics of it, which don't make sense. How do you write? And then the huge ass big robot Godzilla comes to life. Like that's what happened. And he unplugs himself. And now dot, dot, dot. He's got a mind of his own.

And that's in bold in the script. And you're supposed to be like whoa with one fell swoop he breathes fire into his creator the student has killed the teacher you know what i mean this is what they say and then fucking guy who was cast because of because of politics his line goddamn um it's just like dude come on man and there's the movies like that and then there's movies like nomadland is that the movie with francis mcdormand oh yeah cool oh i'll watch that yeah i'll watch it what's it about oh it's about a lady and that's it oh all right yeah dude sign me the fuck up dude one nine dollar ticket for nomadland what's it about a lady roaming around well dude why didn't you say let me wait in line for it before the movie theater even even opens

up like they do for star wars and let me dress as me dress as Frances McDormand's character because that's amazing, dude. Oh, it's about a fucking lady. Dude, hey, the movie's about some lady. That's what it's about. Some lady that's looking for some shit. But really what she's looking for is some shit inside her, right? I didn't read about it, but right? Isn't that what she's looking for is some shit inside her right i didn't read about it but right isn't that what it's about she fucking probably is in a tent for way too long

in one of the acts or some trailer why are they making that dude because you fucking get tricked and you watch a shit and you see her and she does the king speech style acting. And you're like, God damn, Frances McDormand is good. And she is good. She's a great fucking actress. Put fucking zombies in it. Put a fucking goddamn vampire in it.

Anyway, I'm talking about movies too much. Anyway, I'm talking about movies too much, but like, dude. These fucking movies. Celebration is a universal language. It connects people wherever they go. And for 40 years, Aeroplan has taken our members all over the world. So for our 40th anniversary, we're having our biggest celebration yet. And whether you've been an Aeroplan member for one year or 40, we're making you the guest of honor. So join the celebration with special Aeroplaniversary offers and 40 chances to win a million points at aeroplan.com slash 40. Rules and conditions apply.

Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws, like Hit of the Month. So you get the Rules and conditions apply. forget In Stock Promise, where you can count on great offers being in stock or get a rain check. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store for details. Al Pacino is 5'7", I just found out. I didn't know that. I met him once at Sylvester Stallone's house.

That's a sentence I just said. I don't know how the fuck, dude. I don't know how that happened, but I was there and I fucking, I have a pic, I'm going to send you the picture. No, you know what? I'm going to fucking put it up right here. There's me and Al Pacino fucking chilling out like two A-listers, dude. I could do that kind of acting. Oh yeah. Um, Speaking of movies, let's look at this. I found this article that just fucking was hilarious.

It's a computer. My disk is almost full. I don't give a shit, man. It's always almost full, dude. Hey, do you want to put in the updates later? Just fucking let me do it when I want. It's always like, do you want to know in an Hey, do you want to put in the updates later? Just fucking let me do it when I want. It's always like, do you want to know in an hour or do you want to know tonight? Do you want to know tomorrow?

Do you want to know when? I'll just look it up when I need to do the updates, dude. What is it? Fucking white tiger? I got to get the fucking black pangolin or whatever the fuck. It's always some chartreuse leopard or Mac shit. You know what I mean? Hey it's always some... Chartreuse leopard? Mac shit, you know what I mean? Hey, did you get a chartreuse leopard? It's cool.

You get to see now... Now you get to see if someone... Now you get to see if your friends are in the... And you get to put the texts up to the, this is on a Buzzfeed. So, you know, it's really good. This article is on Buzzfeed. So, you know, it's really good. And it's called 15 TV moments that were actually kind of, first of all, actually kind of should never be in a fucking title of an article. Okay. Send secure. If you're writing it, you better know. 15 TV moments that were actually kind of toxic now that I watched them again.

Okay. No, this is the title for that. 15 TV moments that actually, no, 15 TV moments that are goddamn fucking shitty now. And we shouldn't have done it, but we did. And you can still watch them because we're not taking them off the air just because of that so this is by lauren girifano which i'm sure she's a great person i have no fucking idea i feel like they pressure these these fucking blog these blogs to come up with shit what are you coming with? It's like the cops at the end of the month with their tickets.

How many tickets you write? Six? Wow. Tom wrote 20. He's going to be a lieutenant. Looks like you're just going to be fucking waving cars by in an intersection. All good. You're not making us money.

We asked the BuzzFeed community, which TV moments are low-key toxic that's whoa there we go two things two terms i don't like low-key and toxic toxic is fine when it means toxic when it's when you're talking about poison or fucking, you know, that's it actually. Or if something's really toxic, but low, low key, I'm done with it, dude. People say low key only when shit is not low key. He low key stabbed him. Really?

Yeah. What do you mean low key? He just kind of fucking low key. Just walked up to him, and just low-key stabbed him, what the fuck, well, that's some low-key, was it a man on a woman, well, that's low-key toxic, low-key toxic, dude, and here we go, we asked BuzzFeed community, which TV moments were low-key toxic, and honestly, they weren't wrong, here's what they said, dude, these were the fucking clips they came up with okay i'm just there's like 15 i'm gonna read some of them

one on parks and recreation when ann broke up with andy and instead of moving out he lived behind her house in a tent so he could keep an eye on her and then the chris uh guy chris uh with a p what What is it? Pratt. Chris fucking Pratt, Pratt, says, I just want to be close to her house because I need to protect her. There are some weird people that live around here. And they think that's toxic because why would a man have to protect a woman? Okay. Okay.

And it's stalking, I guess, which, by the way, okay, I'll get to this part later, actually. On Friends, when Ross lied to Rachel about getting their marriage annulled. Don't give a fuck. I don't care, dude. I'm going to skip that one. I don't get this one. That's not one I want to read. There was a good one I wanted to read. Hold on.

Here's a good one. On Grey's Anatomy, when Derek dated Nurse Rose because he wanted to make Meredith jealous. These fucking names, you know? Nurse Rose and Meredith. Derek. And it's a white guy. Jesus. Who's Rose? She says. He says, Rose is a circulating nurse. I kissed her once. I'm sure you know that. That's why you're asking me. She says, when? He says, when? She says, when did you kiss her? He says, yesterday. Now are we going to talk? She says, so yesterday you were making out with scrub nurses and today you're building our dream house. Hey, toxic. house hey toxic he fucking made out with another chick and to make her jealous so what the fuck we can't watch gray's anatomy look at this six on gilmore girls when Dean cheated on his wife, slept with Rory and blamed

everyone but himself for ending his marriage. We're not happy. She's not happy. And I can't make her happy. It was a mistake. And I know that now it's over. I know we both feel it. You and Lindsay. Yeah. Me and Lindsay. He says it's a mistake. Toxic dude. I still got the fucking ammo in here by the way i haven't said it yet that fucking makes this article nothing oh how on how i met your mother when ted lied about being in a love in love and robin holy shit on brooklyn 99 when amy demanded that jake on the spot, if you want to have kids with her. And even after never had a conversation once before they got married,

like, what is this shit on the office? When Jim made a huge financial decision to buy a house and never consulted his wife, toxic dude, a comedy. This is the office. This is the fucking thing.

I was holding off on saying. These are characters in a show. It's not toxic. These are all character in a show with a lot of people. The guy bought her a goddamn house and says, I bought it. It's ours. The guy bought her a goddamn house and says, I bought it. It's ours.

Dude, if somebody bought me a house, guess what I'm doing? Rolling around on the floor before the furniture gets there. I'm a pig in shit. Oh, you bought me a house? Imagine somebody, you bought me a house? Well, that's toxic. Imagine somebody, you bought me a house? Well, that's toxic. I'd fucking stab someone low-key if they say that shit to me, dude.

Oh, oh. Look, look, look, look at this. A quote. Half of Jim's antics are pretty toxic, and he definitely wouldn't be a pleasant person in real life to ever deal with. You mean the joke guy in the office? You know who would be a real piece of shit to have to fucking babysit? Pinocchio.

That guy lies. Can't watch that. Get it off the air. His nose grows also oh there's more there's one here with a woman they're all dudes uh two here with a woman on look at that look at how this one starts uh the first two words i'm'm just, I'm out. On Riverdale.

Toxic. That word, dude. That fucking word. Toxic. They got on fucking Chrissy Teigengan because she bullied someone when she was 24 uh i guess i don't really know i saw the the tweets some of the tweets and it was courtney stodden that that that that that chick and uh she bullied other people too i guess and said uh something like,

kill yourself or something. And other stuff like, oh, you're an idiot or some shit. I don't know. She lost fucking deals with Target, Bloomingdale's, Macy's. They were just like, she did what?

And how do people feel about that? Are they pissed? Dude, it's weird because this is the worst part about it. They knew that that's who she was. Everyone knows Chrissy Teigen takes jabs at everyone online on Twitter. They know that when you hire her, they, you know, that's who you're hiring, hiring. So Bloomingdale's Macy's and target can go fuck themselves because here's the deal. You knew who you were hiring and you bent because somebody brought up, Oh, but she's a bully. And you bent because somebody brought up, oh, but she's a bully.

Everyone's getting canceled, dude. And then I saw fucking people on the right that was like, finally, we got someone good to get canceled. And it's like, dude, you don't get it, man. It's so fucked up. They got mad at Joe Rogan today or yesterday for three days ago, whenever you're listening to this, about how he said, oh yeah, for white middle-aged dudes, they're trying to put us into network so we can't ever say anything. And they'll, you know, you laugh now, but we'll be silenced. I'm paraphrasing. And they're like, fuck Joe Rogan, fuck Joe Rogan. Everyone's like, fuck Joe Rogan. I mean, how about the fact that with some nuance,

if you actually listen to what he's saying, with some nuance, he's a little bit right. What about that? Everyone fit into the mold. Everyone fit into the mold. If you're out of the mold, fucking you're out. No, you're shut. People are like,

why is this guy on TikTok? Can these people stand alone in a room even? Is it okay? It's weird as fuck. Get out of it. You don't fit in the mold, get out. But guess what, dude? Nobody fits in the mold.

Nobody fits in the fucking mold. The mold gets smaller and smaller as you create it. It's the only thing that doesn't fucking get bigger. It's not a house. It's not a luxury hotel. It's the mold you're creating and you're creating it and it's getting smaller and smaller, dude. It's like black guys when they laugh. You get the biggest black dude he starts laughing smaller and smaller and smaller until there's one person in the fucking mold and he's alone or she's alone why the fuck do you why do you want to be alone one person fits in that mold and it's elon musk

And it's Elon Musk. It's not Elon Musk. He's already outside the mold. People wouldn't even fucking be on Saturday Night Live with him, dude. People wouldn't even. Actors on Saturday Night Live. This was in the headlines a week ago. Actors on Saturday Night Live were like, hey, I don't want to act with him in sketches.

And fucking Lorne Michaels buckled. He's like, okay, you don't have to if you don't want to. No, dude, you're fired. This is a job, dude. If you're at fucking Target, since we were on Target for a little bit, if you work at Target and you're like, if Elon Musk comes in, I'm not going to fucking ring him up, dude. This guy's anti-vax.

You go home. These fucking pussies, dude. What about real life when you grow up what about when you grow up i saw a tiktok someone complaining crying their eyes out you know what anxiety is real and if a teacher asks you to come to the front and you say you can't maybe listen to them if you're uncomfortable what about when you grow up and the world doesn't cater you can't say but i don't wanna at the dmv you don't get your license you can't say but i don't wanna at the fucking any place. But I don't wanna do jury duty. You're fined.

You're arrested or something. I don't know. Every time I get those fucking things I don't even open them. I throw them out. Prove I got it. Prove I got it. Prove I got it. Oh, you're summoning me for jury duty? Where was it? Where is it? Oh, we mailed it to your house.

Oh. Prove I got it. I never saw it. I think it got, I think it, you know what I think it did? I knew I was looking outside of my house and one time I saw the mailman come in with this big-ass sack, and as he was running up my driveway, I saw one thing, one piece of fucking paper. Just do that. It must have been that. Never got it. Happened seven times.

You go to the doctor hey you have a you have fucking something wrong with your spleen we got to do surgery i don't want to though why my anxiety dearly beloved i don't want to though. Dude, when I die, you know how you got to fucking, you got to get buried like this or like this? Fuck all that shit, dude. Bury me like this. Sexy as shit. For real? With only pants on? With a shirt, Fuck all that.

Pants on. Bow tie. Like this. And a fucking Capri Sun right here with a straw out so I could drink it in hell. The only guy in hell with a fucking Capri Sun just sucking it down while other dudes are hot as shit. Well, you assholes didn't bury yourself with a Capri Sun, dude. What'd you bury yourself with, that fucking stupid tux? I'm chilling.

I just got pants on and a bow tie and a Capri Sun. Get over here and fuck me, the devil. Oh, I fucked up. Sorry, guys. I wish I could dig instead. Ooh, I like the boy with the bow tie. Come over here and plug me. Oh, goddammit.

That Capri Sun is mine now. Oh. Now. Now. That Capri Sun is my... That Capri Sun is mine now, you fucking piece of shit. Oh, fuck that. That'd be funny as shit. I don't care.

Did you just see the fucking... I would be to the guys digging. What did you do with the fucking Capri Sun? I can make hell funny as shit, dude. I'll make it funny as shit. Put me in hell, dude. Put me in fucking hell. Bow tie Capri Sun just sipping.

Also, uh... also uh also uh fucking um there's no hell how about that hopefully um what's this my dad directed what

what show is this what is it? Crate Cap? Just say it. Oh, Grey's Anatomy. Yeah, I know. He knows. I hope he directed that fucking episode. Dude, I keep it real. Just because you're in my family doesn't mean I can't fucking keep it real. McSteamy. McDreamy.

Dude. McSteamy and McDreamy, dude. Fuck that. Oh, wow. Fucking One Fire just texted me. Tom Hardy's five nine knew it see told you i told you babe i told you dude one fucking he came through one fire came through tom hardy's five nine dude he fucking came he's trapzilla i'll give it to him he's trapzilla with the fucking when he played with the Dark Knight. He's Trapzilla. But dude's 5'9". I give it to him. He's a fucking turtle.

If you put him on his belly and he moves slowly, you might put him in a lake or a pond. I'd give him that much. But the dude's 5'9". He came through with the shortness. I'm telling you, I'll give you that much. He looks like Captain America when he's relaxed and ready to fight with the fucking shield on his back. I'll give you that much. He looks like Captain America when he's relaxed and ready to fight with the fucking shield on his back. I'll give you that much. But the dude doesn't need to duck under any doorways.

And yeah, sure, he's sexy as shit, but shrunk. Hey, what's going on? I'm Tom Hardy. How you doing? This is my real voice. I know I act with that real cool shit going on, but this is what you get. I'm Minnie. What's that?

Oh, this, this is steel links wrapped around and then a big steel link at the bottom because technically I'm a key chain. I can't get it off. Wow. I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah, no, this, you see how there's key. No, you see how there's keys in the bottom there? That goes to my car.

That's a smart car. And then this goes to my house. I live actually on a putting green on a mini golf course. So embarrassing. But it's really, I mean, you know, I'm a really good actor and I'm sexy on screen. But yeah. So that's, I can't get it off. It's on my hip.

It's funny. God's funny. Wow, dude. Hell yeah, I'm 6'2". Fuck yeah, I'm a tall drink of water. Thanks, God. too. Fuck yeah, I'm a tall drink of water. Thanks, God!

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I win that battle! Christian Bale, six foot. Fuck, man. That sucks. He's good. He's tall as fuck. Saw him once. Saw him once sauntering down the street. Saw him once sauntering. That guy's the man, dude. Christian Bale at the end of the movie The Fighter

when he's just all like, yeah, man, you know, that's when, uh, and then starts to cry. That's dry heave acting. That's the kind of shit that I do, dude. That's the kind of shit starts to cry. That's dry heave acting. That's the kind of shit that I do, dude. That's the kind of shit that I do. I do dry heave acting. Hey, what's going on? I'm Tom Hardy.

How's it going? Oh, fucking God. I'm mad at that racist reporter. So there's two things here. I got two fucking things here. This is the fart segment. I got two things about farting. Now, look.

This podcast does not go lowbrow. You know that. I'll prove it to you. Watch. Previously on Congratulations. Oops, I teeteted my pants a little bit. So you know we're highbrow, okay? And you know we never go below that line, of course.

But farts are a part of life, and I've got two things that have to do with farting, and I got to talk about them. Because you can't stop me. It's my true nature. There's two things here. One is, oh, no, that's BuzzFeed. Oh, okay, well, there's two here. Look at the things I titled it under, Guy Blasting a Fart.

And then... Well, let me... This one is actually the one I should do first. Guy Blasting a Fart. This was posted by Fuck Jerry, which everyone gets mad at Fuck Jerry for, like, stealing content. I don't give a shit.

Like, this is stuff on the line. They're memes. I don't care. They took my meme once or twice. Who gives a fucking shit, dude? my boyfriend met my parents this weekend he tried to hide a fart outside he ended up alerting our doorbell camera wow that's that's so fucking bitch dude of this dude let's play it can you throw it in there was that a fucking bee close to your ear

oh he let it out silent he let out more oh he's waving behind his ass bro what the guy's fucking in his it was like 30 he should he should know that doesn't work dude the two farts are awesome how he waited the second fart out and then he waves it and fucking like pulls his, he was, he met his parents. Fuck that dude. Boyfriend met my parents this weekend and tried to hide a fart outside. God, now he's got it on tape. He farted and tried to air it out outside on the deck. By the way, you bring it back in. You have to stay when you fart. You got to stay where you are for like three minutes. That fart will follow you, man. stay where you are for like three minutes. That fart will follow you, man. I do farts. And then I walk into another room and Kristen's like, Hey, what the fuck? And I'm like, what did you fart? And I go, dude, not for a while. You gotta, you gotta wait. You gotta wait the fart out. You gotta,

it's like, imagine it, treat it like shitting. Okay. Wait it out. Chill. The guy went right back in. So they smelled it anyway, but they got alert on the doorbell, which is hilarious. He went back in and the whole family was like this. Do you need toilet paper?

If that happened, if I saw my friend do that, when he walked in, I would be fucking laughing in his face out of love. But dude, he did that. And then that's so fucked up. Don't do that, dude. When I meet my girl's parents, I make it a point to blast ass as quickly as I fucking possibly can and loud, dude. and loud dude what you don't do it that's actually i have a buddy who has a girlfriend and he's had a girlfriend now for like five months and he's like dude i haven't farted in front of her yet and i'm like what you got to do that that's so sexy it's not sexy to fart it's not sexy to fart in front of your girl but it is so sexy to do it

and then be like what now i carry the fucking this soundboard with me when i fart and i fucking straight up just fucking, what? Why is it not working? Nah, it's not working. Fuck it. I go, it's not working. I clicked it again. Yeah, good.

Doesn't work. My whole computer's frozen. Yes, dude. I love when a fucking MacBook Pro freezes. It shouldn't. It costs $1,100, and it's frozen. Yes, dude. Wow, it never fucking, it's doing all sorts of shit.

This is great. This is great. It's doing all sorts of shit. Like it's trying to fucking cure HIV. Great, great, great. Talking about HIV too much in this podcast. Yes. All right. Great. Sorry. You know what? Whatever, dude. But yeah, that's the sexiest thing you could possibly do is fart and own it. Unbelievable, dude. Are you kidding me? Everything is fucking against me, man. Renner came in with the fucking... Hell no, I ain't forgot. Guy fucking blast ass on the porch. Dude, don't blast ass on the porch unless you're on the porch already.

Don't blast ass on the porch unless you're on the porch already. Don't go outside to fart, man. Fart inside. Fart under the covers with your significant other. I do it all the time, man. And she goes like this, Chris, and I say, what?

Every time, every single time, I pretend like I don't know. I say, what? And she says, did you fart? And I say, a while ago, and I just fucking did it. And I say, it may't know. I say, what? And she says, did you fart? And I say, a while ago. And I just fucking did it. And I say, it may be one of the dogs. That one may be one of the dogs.

Because I farted a fucking while ago. And I just fucking did it. She's a rabbit, too. She can smell them before they come out sometimes. I'm like, are you in my asshole? Sometimes she's like, did you fart out sometimes i'm like are you in my asshole sometimes she's like did you fart and i'm like it's like memento this shit goes backwards how's she do that is she fucking whatever the guy's name is in mental i don't know anybody's name anymore guy pierce guy pierce well in my defense don't be your have your name be guy that's like having your name be Person.

That's ridiculous, dude. Guy. How lazy are your goddamn parents? What should we name him? Guy? Guy? It was between Guy and Dude. Just drunk as shit.

Drunk Australians. It was between Guy and Dude. And she wanted something like fucking gay right like henry or something and i was just like ah the fellas at the mill are not gonna like that so i told them yeah gotta be fucking guy a dude i didn't even try a person i knew she wouldn't fucking go for that and she she's like, well, fucking roll the die, sweetheart. Guy, we came up with fucking Guy. Can't believe she wanted fucking Thaddeus.

I must fucking divorce her right there. Fucking Guy Pearce. If my parents named me Guy and I grew up and then had a brain, I would be fucking. I'd fart all over him. I'd fart all over him, dude. I'd pin him down and fucking fart all over him. I'd eat so much pasta and fucking four hours later, I'd drive over to their house and I'd fart all over them. Why would you listen to NPR when you can listen to this, dude? So that guy blasted a fart and wasn't sexy about it, should have been sexy about it, and stayed in the pocket in the living room and farted and looked her father in the eyes. Hi, I'm the person dating your daughter.

Hi, I'm the person dating your daughter. Where's your bathroom? Now, here's another one. This is still the fart segment. We're almost done here, but... This was on the Daily Star, and this shit killed me, man. I mean, it's kind of fucking... I hope the guy's okay.

Daily Star, Instagram, James Arg Argent. Okay, so just, like, don't, just say James Argent, you know? Like, you don't need to put the fucking nickname if it's half the fucking last name. It's, you already, it's, has revealed that he has been vomiting blood. And this thing, by the that he has been vomiting blood. And this thing, by the way, fucking takes off immediately. Has, like, just the sixth word is vomiting blood. It's like a plane in G.I. Joe.

Because those used to take off like this. Like most reporters will write the fucking caption and it'll just slowly be a fucking takeoff. This shit was on, it was one of the cobra in fucking gi joe this shit just took off james arg argent has revealed that's why they put arg in there so vomiting would still be pushed back a little bit further the editor was like we gotta fucking make this vomiting came too soon and they were like i can give him a nickname he's like i'll allow it what's the rest of it well he's been vomiting blood and can't fart following his life-saving gastric and whoa whoa whoa the guy can't fart front page look at this james arg argent apparently this guy's a star well let's hope god damn it Let's hope it's not just some poor guy in a hospital in England

that is like, oh, so it turns out I can't fucking fart. Get, alert the media. Get them here. James Argent can't fart. Who's that? Who gives a shit? The guy's got an arsehole. I swear to God,

it's like a fucking, what is it? What is this arsehole? How is it not a fart? We tried to do everything. I swear to God. We gave him fucking peppers. We gave him cheese. We gave him cheese for four days. That's all he ate was cheese and milk. He's not farting. milk he's not farting where the hell's it going that is mate he's vomiting up blood why the fuck are the reporters you guys are letting him do this for four days and you haven't alerted the fucking daily star jesus christ you know how to give him a nickname james so fucking the only way the essex star has the 10 pound 10 000 pound emergency surgery i don't know what that is that's probably fucking 900 million dollars to help him lose weight okay so that's what happened the only way is essex the only way is essex star has oh maybe that's the show the only way is essex star i don't fucking know had the 10 000 pound

emergency surgery to help him lose weight having alarmingly piled on the pounds okay fine sure first of all work out but also okay if you're gonna get that fucking lap band surgery or whatever or do at least get the fucking thing that like the old-timey guys where they would rub their belly on a treadmill and they wouldn't even have to do anything and the 33 year old troubled tv personality now hopes oh he's troubled so look i don't know this guy so don't get on me for fucking making fun of somebody if he's troubled all right now hopes he can get his life back on track after his latest health scare wishing you a speed recovery arj image credit and then it literally says image credit instagram what kind of fucking backward shit is the daily star dude the worst part about it is the picture

of the fucking thing is of this guy just holding his tummy, looking in the camera going like this. Hey, can't fart. They gave me cheese and jalapenos for four days. Can't fart. Smile. Can't fart. I got a surgery to fucking help me lose weight and then also can't fart vomiting up blood jesus christ look at these comments what a fucking melt that is so funny to me what a melt what a fucking melt hey is a tuna melt that's what british people will say dude um

um all right we're done here what a fucking melt and then someone says get well soon hope you can fart soon no nobody said that that'd be amazing i'm gonna comment that All right, we're done here. What a fucking moat. And then someone says, get well soon. Hope you can fart soon. No, nobody said that. That'd be amazing. I'm going to comment that. Look at this.

Good for you, James. Just remember, it is just a tool, and you still have to follow the guidelines. Good luck, hon. What? Is this person insane? Good for you, James. Just remember, it is just a tool and you still have to follow the guidelines. Good luck, hon. Hashtag life-saving gastric bypass.

That's what it says. Sorry, but I laughed at he can't fart. I looked at the pic on the post and heard him saying. Wow, let's look at more how do i get more comments this is annoying when you look at it gastric band operations are banned in many countries for good reasons see proof raw air it should get this removed asap let's see more look at this one wait oh i just missed one ASAP. Let's see more. Look at this one.

Oh, I just missed one. Do you tell anorexic people to just eat more? I don't even understand how that makes sense. Somebody tagged someone else and said, what exciting news. Wow, dude. Oh wow, this is the most British one ever. Alarmingly put on weight. Is it alarming

if you tiff your face full of calories? 10 for a short cut, that's fucked him up. Bit of willpower and being healthy job done. What what do we arrange those words in a sentence look at this if it stood British view if this shit even makes the paper it's st. George's Day It's St. George's Day.

Ha ha ha ha! Dude! To many whoppers getting famous for being fucking idiots, if you like your grub fair enough, enjoy it. Don't look for sympathy when you're feeling sorry for yourself being a knacker. End of the day, you're boring whoppers. Oh my God, dude, are you shitting me? Somebody just commented, Fat Elvis. Oh my god.

Look at this. These people just get it. Why was it emergency surgery? He's lost weight before. He just needs to do the same again. Surgery is not a quick fix. He will still need to address the issues surrounding his food addiction. Otherwise, the surgery is pointless. Dude, make friends in the fucking comment section.

These motherfuckers are trying to meet people in the comment section. I think you need to have a bit of respect for someone who's had major surgery. I ain't a fan of anyone from Dowie, but I do feel empathy for someone battling addiction and weight problems arch you got this dude he did the punch emoji yeah dude addiction's addiction if you gotta fucking

deal with it you gotta deal with it props for you props to you fucking arch you fuck that this picture yeah i can't fall and i'm vomiting blood or something they star that's the level of confidence that this other guy who tried to air his fucking fart out there's all sorts of people in the world there's the guy who won't fart in front of your dad or mom and goes out on the patio and tries to fucking fart and then there's arch dudes who are like i'm gonna eat whatever i want whenever i want want. I'm going to get real fat. I'm going to make doctors fix it. And if they fuck it up,

I won't be able to fart. I'll vomit blood up. And when they take the picture of me, I'll be cheesing, won't I? In a hospital gown. Gown.

But no, I'll put a day on the end of it. All right, dude. That's it. Wow, what a fun episode. You guys are great. Thank you so much for listening. And go pick up that merch, man. There's still some left on the new Life Rips.

Dude, they're dope. Can't wait till mine comes in. I'm going to wear them all together like i'm on a team like i'm a fucking avenger of life like i'm the life rips avenger hey guys that's the episode uh on youtube if you want to see the long extended cut go sign up for our patreon it's all on patreon uh it's uh at patreon.com slash chris talia and it was a fucking good one man man. We had fun. And by we, I mean me. Also, you get extra behind-the-scenes footage, and you also get one episode extra a month that people on YouTube don't get.

So thanks for listening, and go hit that Patreon. Congratulations. I like bury me with a Capri Sun, though. That's funny. Well, whatever. Then we're a bunch.