Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 191. Angry Olympics

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended version of this episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris discusses the Angry Olympics, UFOs, and some ridiculous Instagram comments. He also takes a trip on the Ice Road. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Welcome to episode 191 of Congratulations. Welcome to episode 191 of Congratulations. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Oh yeah, here we are. If you're watching this, not yeef you're watching this, because that is how I started this podcast already. First word is wrong. I said yeef instead of F.

If you're watching this podcast, you're noticing something different. And it's not that I got a haircut, which I actually do need to do. I need to fucking trim it up a little bit. It's been a while. And you know how I do it with my haircut. I cut it and I keep cutting it and I cut it a little bit. It takes about four days and I noticed a certain shit is long. And so I got to cut the side and whatever. I got to cut the other side a day later cause it's not long enough, whatever the fuck, you know how it is. But, um, yeah, we got a new fucking background.

Um, and, uh, it's not necessarily here to stay. Uh, we're going through some changes and, uh, It's not necessarily here to stay. We're going through some changes, and that's it, man. So it'll be different next week, and it might be different even the week after that, but we're figuring shit out. We want to update everything, and that's what's going on. So, yeah, so that's it. Nothing funny about that, but, you know, it's just got to get a little bit of news out of the way first. We got to get a little bit of news out of the way first. And,

uh, and we just did it. That's great. And so now we're onto a silly goose time. We're onto a silly goose time, um, live in the congratulation studio. Um, I don't know. I'm feeling good, dude. You know, I try to wake up and I check in with myself. I breathe. I do breathing. I mean, we all do breathing, but sometimes I think about my breathing and uh feels good um i uh i'm i'm i'm i'm a i'm a good i'm good my one time my brother was fucking had this uh asian friend that barely spoke english in elementary school and um they were talking about baseball and he said and he said i'm a good instead of i'm good and we think about it all the time because that's fucking hilarious a fucking asian kid in elementary school wanted to say how good at baseball he was and he said

i'm a good i'm a good that's hilarious and his name was will something but anyway uh i loved when i was a fucking in high school there were, I loved when I was in high school. There were so many Asian kids in my high school. And dude, they all had names like fucking Chuck and Henry. It was like, dude, it was like the old school names that the Asians came over to fucking America. And they were like, they use these names, these names right it's like what should we name him gregory pick what should we name him gregory humphrey um they just saw old so the guy's name was like fucking humphrey suck or fucking henry limb or harvey harvey harvey and whatever you fucking get it harvey limb that one always threw me for a loop

there was kim lee and then all of a sudden there'd be like a a korean dude with the last name limb you're like oh all right okay mixing it up a little bit um and uh once i'm almost got in a fight actually in in in uh in in the in high school and these asian kids were in my in my face now and he was like what's up honky and i was like dude don't be racist and he said i'm not racist at all kp which is korean power and i was like, eh, eh, eh, worst lawyer. Case dismissed immediately. So yeah, dude, chilling, having a good time. I got a fucking, I got a, this is from, oh, I fucking, have you guys ever seen this? I didn't mean to talk about this, but now since I am.

This is the greatest thing of all time, maybe. But this is from the 90s baseball video game where a Japanese game designer had to make up a bunch of quote-unquote American names. This is a fucking meme, I guess. But it's real, though. These are actual names that were in an Americanized Japanese baseball game. And this is great.

Steve McDycle. Okay? So fucking off color and don't even know it. Anson Sweeney. Daryl Archideld. Daryl Archideld. Daryl Archideld stands up to the plate. Swing and a miss.

Antoli Smorin coming in from the bullpen gives Daryl Archidale a run for his money. Swing and a miss, strike one. Antoli winds up for the pitch and hit. Long fly ball deep to center, and Ray McSriff is there to make the catch. Dude, Glenn Allen Nixon, Mario McElwain. Wow, this one has fucking four consonants in a row. There's no word in the English language, I think, that maybe there is, but McElwain. Raoul Chamberlain.

Dude, that sounds like a fucking Tom Cruise character. That's like when his name was Anderton. Fucking Anderton, dude. A Japanese guy wrote uh fucking whatever that movie was the fuck is that called not i what the fuck is the movie called the blue one this whole movie's blue minority report dude his name's anderton minority report and the whole movie's blue and he's and and it's like dude just name him fucking anderson dude it's a movie who gives a shit you don't need to get creative with the last name.

Let's put a T instead of the S. Dude, Ray McSriff. Kevin Nogilny. Tony Schmerich. Oh, this one's the best one. Bobson Dugnut. Oh, dude. Sounds so sexual.

Hi, how you doing? I'm Bobs I'm I'm Bobson. Doug nut. Let's leave, honey. Willie Dustis. Jerome Gride. Scott Dork. Dork. K. Shown.

Fur coat. Dean Westry. Mike truck. That one is it would be a real one. Dwight. Oh, wow. Dwight. Rortchagel. that one is it would be a real one dwight oh wow dwight rortugal rortugal you know just took the p off portugal and added an r lazy tim sandale

carl oh this one is a might be my favorite. Carl Dandleton. Mike Cernandez. Wow, dude. How did they get it so far off? How did they miss it with just one letter? Like, you almost had it. It's Fernandez and just, the guy's like, I'm pretty sure it's an S. He's like, I think it's an F.

No, we're going to go with Sir Nandis. And then this one, Todd Gonzalez, which should be Gonzalez, but then no fucking Mexican is named Todd. Todd's the whitest fucking name I ever heard. Todd, I knew a guy named Todd that only wore shorts, no matter how cold it was. And one time I asked him to close his eyes and I said, close your eyes and tell me what you're wearing. And he couldn't do it.

These are the games we play on set, dude. These are the games we play on set. I said, hey, Todd, close your eyes. And he goes like this. And I said, what do you wear? And he said, I don't remember. Dude, that's a fun game no matter what. And my girl always wants to fucking play Scattergories or some shit.

When I'm like, why can't we just close our eyes and see how dumb we are, motherfuckers? Dude, those are the games I fucking do. One time, I grabbed a showrunner's phone. Do you understand? I don't do pranks. But when I do, they are the legit pranks that was legitness when i do pranks that were legitness that was that was legitness when i do pranks they're the legit shits i don't do when anyone if you're gonna hurt somebody or like be

funny george clooney where you light somebody's shoe on fire and they all gotta fucking pat it out and they're scared for their lives no when i know the pranks i do dude one time i got a showrunner's phone and i took the and i texted the ad hey we need a frog outfit and we need to um we need to hire a redheaded actor and we got to put a frog a frog outfit outfit in it, in here, put him in a frog outfit and fucking deleted the text that I sent from the showrunner. Boom. No trace. I waited and the AD wrote on it. Boom. Deleted it. No trace. Gave the phone back to the showrunner and the race for finding the frog outfit was on, dude. And I told him we needed it by tomorrow.

And he was stressing the fuck out the whole day, dude. And I was giggling, man. I was giggling hard. And that's it. And I fucking, he caught me giggling. And I was like, bro, you don't need to get that outfit. I was just joking. And he was like, ah, fuck you, fuck you.

I'd still keep in touch with that motherfucker. he gets it dude find people that get it keep them in your life weed out the others keep them in your life keep that circle tight as shit make the others bounce around on the side but i want to get in but i want to get in oh really you shouldn't have fucking betrayed me ping you bounce the fuck off like a coat on a stripper's ass dude ronzales what was it rochigal didn't try i love it dude my goal when i was in hollywood trying to do this shit. My goal was to be a fucking Liam Neeson type dude. I was going to take my career as comedy

and parlay it into fucking action movie star. That's what I wanted to do. But I still fucking love Liam Neeson. And there's a new movie coming out with Liam Ne uh, by, with Liam Neeson in it. I say like he directed and produced it and it's called the ice road trailer. And it is fucking, this trailer is hilarious because it's called the ice road trailer of the ice road, not the ice road trailer, which would be something completely different. But this motherfucker dude keeps being in movies.

And even if they're not fucking, um, even if they're not, what do you call it? Action movies? They have to be action movies. This movie that he made is not an action movie, but it turns into an action movie before the trailer is done. And you're like, okay, okay, I get it. Liam Neeson is in it and he has to kill everybody in this movie. It's like before, like Schindler's List was the last

one where he was like, that's the last one I'm going to do. And now I'm going to kill everybody. You put movie script and I kill everybody. If you want me to be in Driving Miss Daisy, the reboot, I'm going to have to kill everybody including Miss Daisy, the reboot, I'm going to have to kill everybody, including Miss Daisy.

Like that's Liam Neeson mode right there. So there's this movie coming out, The Ice Road. And it's just a drama. Here we go. What the hell was that? Just a drama. Just a drama. They had an avalanche miners are trying to get out get to cave in yeah i'm putting together a rescue mission we have 26 trapped miners who are running out of air there you go that's what the movie's about. We have 26 trapped miners that are running out of air.

That's what the movie's about. Fucking Liam Neeson gets a call from Morpheus and then Morpheus is like, hey, dude, these miners are trapped. Let's go do this. And Liam Neeson is like,

okay, let's do this. And then they just gotta like dig and it's like a fucking movie where he's like trying to get underground and get these guys before they run out of air and he has to find these guys but what does he really have to find he has to find out who he is that's what he has to do right because you know he's got a wife that's fucking left him ah you were too fucking you're too much with your job i'm not gonna be with you

you want to see your kid then fucking you stop stop trying to save fucking minors you know stop trying to save all these minors everyone fucking these minors are trapped and we have to fucking save them every now and then. And they're just like, yeah, but we just, you're losing your family. You're finding these my, you're finding these people in these mines, but you're losing your family. That's what the movie's about. That's what the fucking movie's about. Right here, we're fucking a minute. No, what is it? 20, 20 fucking six seconds in. You know what the movie's about. Cool, great. Liam Neeson getting back to Schindler's List mode.

So let's continue, dude. 300 feet of pipe delivered up there in under 30 hours. They need to deliver the fucking pipe to the miners. That's what they need to do, dude. Can you make it happen? Morpheus doesn't know if he can make it happen, dude. This is your bad experience on the ice road. Yep.

Look at... He's a mechanic. I love it, dude. You have experience with this ice road. Yes, I do. Do you want to do it? I guarantee it's this scene. No, I don't want to do it.

Those days are long gone. But we need you. I can't. And then a scene later. Hello? One condition. And he's in, dude. That's how the movie goes.

He has like an argument with his wife. He realizes his kid doesn't think he's a man. All right. Hello? I'll do it. Sweet Jesus. Give me 50 bucks. One of my drivers just became available what's it for i love it i i love it i love it dude i love it i love it one of my drivers just became available who is it a fucking four foot six woman i love it dude hollywood keeps it woke

hey what's up? I'll drive. Bail. What? Told you this wasn't going to be easy. It's not going to be easy because you can't reach the pedals. I'm in. She's a badass. She can get camera.

Here we go. Line up. The only way up there is crossing the ice roads. Boring movie. The lake has been falling for five weeks now. Look, dude, wow, he's getting more Irish the older he gets,

honestly. He's more Irish now. Liam Neeson is just crossing the ice roads. Right here, listen. The lake has been thawing for five weeks now.

It's only been thawing for five weeks now. That is not how he sounded in fucking Taken. He was like, I will find her and I will get her and now it's,

they've been thawing for five weeks now. Dude. They've been thawing for five weeks now. We've got to run because our legs are short because we're leprechauns.

Just one scene, him running. One scene running really quickly. You see and you notice he's got a green hat on grab me a hat every movie he does he gets a little bit more irish you look he's got a fucking orange

fucking pussy chin what do they call it fucking goatee one of those little french beards just in one shot he turns around his, he turns around so quickly, his hat fucking runs over, and a four-leaf clover falls out, and he's got the pussy chin. We've got a fight that's been thawing, it's about to thaw, me lady. Running, dude, running with a bowl,

pink and fucking green things are falling out. You're like, what is it? That's me lucky charms, we need to get them to the miners they haven't had food for weeks grab me hot grab me lucky charms oh fuck I can't wait to shave this pussy chin when I'm done

saving this miners did you just roll your R no that was all in your imagination bloody as he's getting the No, that was all in your imagination, laddie. As he's getting the... Dude. In the minor, the minors are like, do you hear that? What is that?

What is that? I think it's a guy coming to save us. What the fuck? Is he a leprechaun? He has to be because he's the only one small enough that could fucking fit through these cracks. And then he comes in and do it. I'll give you a mouth to mouth. A little fucking leprechaun on the guy's face.

Farting into his mouth, using ass asshole to fucking give him cpr so gross dude fucking sitting on sitting on the fucking guys in the cave's faces to fucking i gotta clear i shit a little bit laddie he's dead and he's dead and he's got shit on his mouth laddie if they are able to accomplish this we will be exposed but see this is still just a

boring movie we've been sabotaged oh there it is dude you thought it was gonna be a fucking movie where a guy finds himself you thought it was gonna be a movie movie where a guy finds himself? You thought it was gonna be a movie where a guy just needs to go over this long stretch of land with a bunch of other dudes and a lady to try and fucking make

sure that these miners could breathe. But what you didn't know is Liam Neeson is gonna Liam Neeson, dude. Liam Neeson is gonna fucking guarantee kick some motherfucker's ass. Like, it's not just about weapons. It's not just about weapons. It's not just about finding the miners.

Also, they've been sabotaged. We've been sabotaged. We've been sabotaged. It's time to shave the pussy chin. See, that's when it happened, man. You thought it was going to be a boring movie that was like up for some awards maybe like what fucking nomadland like fucking francis mcdormand oh francis mcdormand in it too where are you going laddie mcdormand my brother is in that mine of course he is. Of course it is. So Irish. Now I'm ungrateful.

Now I'm ungrateful. Wow. I cannot believe that fucking Morpheus, what's his name, is in this movie, Lawrence Fishburne, is in this movie, and not only is he in it so sparingly, you know it, okay? He was in it for a paycheck, which is fine. Get that money, Lawrence Fishfish. But what I'm telling you, dude, is he says sweet Jesus in the trailer twice.

That is some gangster shit by the editor. That's a fuck you to this movie from the editor. Oh, you want me to... The editor of the trailer. You want me to make a trailer? Cool. I'll take the two times he says sweet Jesus and I'll put it in once. That's gonna keep cracking for two,

maybe 3,000 meters. So fucking Irish, dude. That's gonna keep cracking for two, 3,000 meters. Melt the marshmallows of the Lucky Charms and use it to solder the ice. Na-yum.

Gung-gung-gung-gung-gung. We're gonna have to run tight together. Go! I mean, the shit that they're just saying. Don't be loose or you're all going in. There's no time. There's no time. No, no. Is anybody out there? there's no time we're coming just hang on we're coming just hang on dude the next movie he's literally gonna be a fucking he's not even

gonna be a fucking what do you call it a leprechaun he's gonna be a fucking potato just liam neeson in in fucking potato the biopic how come he sees everything it's like he has eyes in the back of his head. I've got eyes all over me body. I've got eyes all over me round body. Our laddie, I'm a potato. With a green hat on and still with the pussy chin. Boil me up and eat me as a family.

Just so many fucking bad... Why don't you slice me up into long thin pieces and season me and eat me with a burger? Dude. Our laddie why don't you put me in a tray and do something that fucking why don't you fucking thinly slice me and put cream all over me and put me in a tray in an oven for too long

and eat me a groton or fucking scalloped potato you're able to accomplish this we will be exposed so the question is time we've been sabotaged the potatoes

they've been sabotaged what is this podcast The potatoes, they've been sabotaged. What is this podcast? You gotta fucking see that movie. I don't give a fuck who you are. You gotta see a movie called Ice Road with Liam Neeson. It's a must, dude. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws. Like Hit of the Month. We'll be right back. And don't forget InStock Promise, where you can count on great offers being in stock or get a rain check.

Discover more value than ever at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store for details. You know what I fucking actually should have started the podcast with? Oh, dude, because I like doing this, man. I like talking about Postmates, man. These Postmates drivers are just getting out of control. They're out of control. They're out of control. I'll tell you what they are. Not on my side. They're just not on my side. They are, by the way, I just wrote a Postmates and fucking,

what is the deal when two people are in the car? What is that? When it's like, you see the face of Linda and you're like, here comes Linda. And then the driver drives up and it's, it's like a guy. And you're like, where's Linda? And then the passenger seat opens up and then she comes out. Here you go. Who's the fucking guy. Did you take an Uber over here to give me my postmates? Who's the fucking dude, dude. Are you a couple? I, which is fine. But like, who dude dude are you a couple which is fine but like who how are you why are you going guy you know what i mean if if if kristin was like i'm gonna do uber eats and then she was like come with me i gotta deliver a fajita no that's your job, please, no, but you cheated on me, you're right, okay, I'll come, okay, I'll come, I'll come, I'll come, you know what I'm talking about, dude, who's the fucking other

people, I swear to God, one time, I did a Postmates, and fucking four people were in the car, they were like ready to go for a night out they were all dressed really nice one time I did it it was a fucking suburban every seat even the back fucking three seats in the middle seat they were all buckled in and the person who was the actual postmates was in the back seat

with the middle seat and had to unbuckle and they had to move the chair forward and they come out and they're like here's your fucking shit so I order I order it the other day And they're like, here's your fucking shit. So I order, I order it the other day. And we had a lot of shit going on in the house. There were like workers and all this shit. And I ordered, I don't even remember what I ordered, but it was something quick.

I was like, I want to order to get it here quick. I listen to the look. Oh, this is going to be here in 75 minutes. Sometimes they're like, this will be here. Give it at least three and a half hours. And I ordered it because it said like 25 to 35 minutes. So I got it and I'm waiting. And I'm waiting and I'm waiting. And it says, your Uber's here, collect your food.

Or your fucking Postmates here, collect your food. I go outside. Guess what? You know. Nowhere to fucking be found. He's not even in sight. So I'm already pissed. All right. But I calmed down. I try to breathe. I try to check in with myself and I try to relax. And I think, you know what? Some things are beyond people's control. Who knows what happened? This guy could have got carjacked for some fucking fajitas.

knows what happened. This guy could have got carjacked for some fucking fajitas. So I walk outside. I don't see a trace of this motherfucker. This guy is not down the street and he's not up it. All right. So I do something that I hate to do as much as I love to do. I call the fucking Postmates guy. I hate doing it because I don't want to have to do it, but I love doing it because I love being angry, dude. And here we go. This is the Angry Olympics for me. This is the biathlon of the Angry Olympics for me, getting a call, the fucking Postmates driver.

Because there should never be a phone call here. There should never be a phone call for a Postmates guy. I got the app. If I want to do a phone call, I call up Domino's, order a goddamn pizza, or call the restaurant directly and have them deliver it. But I didn't do that because I got the app housemates. So instead of calling, I used the app. Now I got to call the guy. So I'm in the biathlon of the angry Olympics. So I call him and he picks up. Great most of the time they don't even pick up so my anger subsides a little bit and I say hello I get nothing back and then I hear and and then I hear

breathing and then I say hello and then I hear the first thing that the guy says. Yeah, I'm unloading something. Okay. So now I'm pissed. But even more than that, I'm very curious. Because in my book, the only thing you have to unload is the goddamn fajitas to my mouth. Please just unload the fajitas in my mouth, guy. All right?

So I say, oh, you're what? He says, yeah, I'm up the street. I'm helping this guy unload something. And now I think, okay, I'm angry. But let's put that on the back burner. Because I need to know what's happening. Because it must be serious. Because he's not doing his job. He's not finished his job. He's not finished his job.

He's taken on another job before the first job was done. Now, he sounds Mexican. And I know Mexicans love to work. And that's how much they love to work. Is that before the job is up, he's like, let me do another job. So this way I'm doing two fucking jobs at once. So I look down the street first because that will make me less mad. Now, why will that make me less mad? Because it means he didn't get to my house yet. So at least on the way to my house,

So at least on the way to my house, something came up and he decided to be a good Samaritan, I guess. I can accept that. So I look down the street, nowhere to be seen. I look up the street and I see a moving van. So now I'm like, this motherfucker is probably unloading something out of that moving van, I guess. But that means he passed my house, which means he could have dropped off the fucking fajitas to my mouth and then helped whoever he needed to. But still, I didn't know what was going on. And I'm on the phone with him and I said hey you're the you're the Postmates driver I'm talking to right because I wasn't sure I was 90 sure but that's not a hundred and I want

to be a hundred percent sure that this random number is it is connected to the Postmates app and I am calling the guy that's trying to give me my food. So I say, this is the Postmates guy, right? And he says, yeah. Like I'm the asshole. I said, okay. This is the other thing too. He's not saying enough words. Do you know what I mean? Like the only words he said so far is,

yeah, I'm unloading something. And yeah. Those are the only words he said. and we've been on the phone for like 25 seconds so i say okay so you're unloading something where he says yeah i'm up the street i'm helping these guys unload something so i'm like okay are you bringing the food and he says yeah honestly i can't see it i can't see the addresses because of the trees ah you know how mad I am because you've listened to this podcast 191 episodes he said yeah but I can't see your address because of the trees okay Okay? But also, still do it. Also,

use looking. Also, when you drive by, look left. You'll see those numbers. Don't drive by so fast, I guess. Maybe look at every house's number because every house has a number outside of it. Maybe you're looking too hard trying to find another job before your first job is over.

So I'm like this motherfucker and I hear the door behind me open and I'm like, I'm already mad. Don't add shit. Whoever this is, it's either i'm already mad don't add shit whoever this is it's either calvin or kristin don't add shit calvin can't reach a doorknob so alas it's kristin i turn around and she says what are you doing and i said okay well uh i explained what happened the guy fucking he's unloading and he said he's unloading something she says unloading something and i says yeah i don't understand if she said well don't get mad and i'm like all right okay you know but i i gotta go up there to see what the fuck is going on and she says why and i was like because i i have to know what the fuck he's talking about because he's only said six words to me and my feet are getting cold she says all right so i'm walking now and i only

have shorts on and i've got my long feet flopping around dude i got long as shit feet okay and i'm i'm going up the hill and i'm getting closer and closer to this fucking moving van and it's a u-haul truck i notice or a u-haul truck style kind of thing and i see on the side it says amazon and then i see behind that a car parked askew now i so it's a it's the fucking uber driver up obviously because it's askew and it's a fucking toyota celica and so i look there's fucking three guys moving something the size of, I shit you not, two and a half refrigerators. It's so big. It's so unbestankably big that you can't fucking believe it.

Okay. big that you can't fucking believe it okay and there are three guys hoisting this fucking refrigerator up okay of a of a curvy fucking stair it's not even straight it's like a fucking thing that it's like it's like a fucking it goes it doesn't even go right angle it like goes straight and then it goes back to whoever designed the fucking staircase is like mc escher like fuck this motherfucker you know it's not designed to i don't know what was in it it was like a fucking pyramid from egypt that was how big it was and and and two guys are dressed as amazon delivery guys and one guy is just dressed.

He's got a hoodie on and shorts, which already makes me mad because are you cold or hot? And he's like really getting, he's and the guy, the hoodie, I'm like, okay, so he's my Uber driver because he's the one who's not dressed as the Amazon shits.

And the guy with the hoodie is, he's at the bottom. This guy's at the bottom bottom of the thing the other two guys are up on the top guiding it doing the fake lifting my uber eats guy or my postmates guy is at the bottom just like hey get it around the top get around the top that's what you got to do get around the top and i am so fucking confused because the fucking toyota celica is just going ding ding ding ding ding and i see a bag of fucking postmates in the goddamn shit and i say uh excuse me hi and and the guy turns around he's like oh what's up and i say i don't know you tell me dude and i'm like'm like, what, what is, I said, can I just, do you mind if I just get my,

is this, can I get my postman? He says, oh yeah, yeah, hold on. And he unlocks the car and goes and grabs the food, gives it to me. And he says, hey man, Jesus loves you. And I said, yeah, thanks so much, man. I really, really appreciate it. And I trot down the hill. As I'm trotting down the hill, the owner of the house says, wait a minute, you're not with these guys? And he says, no. He said, you just stopped to help? And he says, yeah, I just stopped. I'm a Postmates delivery guy. And I'm just like, not to me, though. I'm the one paying you, and you're not being nice to me. But I didn't say that, but I thought it, and that's just as bad probably to Jesus Christ. dude the guy fucking who the fuck does that unbelievable nicest guy in the world that guy's a hero

unbelievable that he did that dude it was so fucking funny i couldn't believe it and then i rolled in and i told kristen the story and i was like can i be fucking mad and she was like no that was so nice of him i'm like oh dude what are we doing what are we doing here how does this work out if you think that that's nice and i'm like what's our kid going to think? I'm raising him to think that that's wrong. I'm raising him to think you finish the job. And if someone's on fire,

you finish your job and then put them out. Son. Yeah. If you see someone on fire and you're delivering mail, Put them out. Son? Yeah? If you see someone on fire and you're delivering mail, what do you do? I drop the mail and go, No!

I tase them. Ow! What do you do? I put the mail in the box and then if they're still alive, I go run and put water on them? Correct, son. Sorry, dad. the box and then i if they're still alive i go run and put water on them correct son sorry dad

oh by the way subscribe to our youtube shit and like the shit you know i never say this subscribe to our youtube channel it makes it helps dude i I fucking saw Sarah Silverman saying it on her shit, and I'm like, oh, yeah, I got to say that. Put it on there. Put it on there. Oh, I can do it like this. No, I don't like that. But, yeah, subscribe to our channel.

Do that. If you don't mind, stop listening to the podcast and do that, and then listen to it again. Pick it back up where you left off or whatever the fuck. Oh, and share it with your friends too.

That helps too, man. You know? Is what it is. I can't believe that guy did that with the Postmates, man. Maybe I got to be a better person, you know? See, I see shit like that.

My instinct is to get mad, but then I'm like, okay, what am I doing wrong? How come? First of all, I shouldn't be mad. I shouldn't to get mad, but then I'm like, okay, what am I doing wrong? How come? First of all, I shouldn't be mad. I shouldn't be mad. It's a waste of fucking time. Why am I mad?

I get mad at all sorts of shit. Like, what was the last thing I got mad at? What did I do today? Oh, I had to bring the dog to the fucking groomers. Kristen was like, pick. You want to take the dog or you want to stay with the baby? And I'm like, yeah, whatever. I'll take the fucking dog, you know.

It doesn't matter. I'll get out. So I drive. I take the dog to the fucking, not Petco, PetSmart. PetSmart. I get there at one o'clock. The appointment is at 1.30. And I go to drop off the dog and they're just like, the dog's name is Cooper. And by the way,

it's our dog, but it was her dog. And now it's our dog. I had salmon butter. I had salmon fucking butters. She had Cooper. And then we found this fucking maniac Chenzo in panoramic city at the target. Got bit by a snake and ate a dead lizard and a blue Jay or whatever the fuck it was, a pigeon. And no, it was a blue Jay. It was Joe Carter in 86. He was a blue Jay in 86. Those of you who don't know, I had some really bad joke. It was all the road and uh so um no so fucking uh what was i saying so so the fucking so so i take the dog to the groomer and cooper has his groom these are the groomers that cooper goes to and i pull it up i pull up and and the lady already is there and i'm like i'm i'm you know what it is about me, man? I'm just, I'm, I'm ready to be mad. That's the fucking bad thing, dude. I'm ready to be mad. I'm walking into a place that I'm going to do

business at because I'm not a businessman, but I'm a business man. And I'm ready to be, I'm ready for it to go fucked. I'm ready for it to get sideways. That's what I'm ready for. I'm, that's must be a self-fulfilling prophecy that must be what it is i'm walking in with that energy with that dog these motherfuckers are gonna ask me too many questions they're gonna be like what's my phone number or some shit you don't ever need my fucking phone number it's on file he's been here you know what i'm talking about so i get there and by the way i haven't eaten so i'm pissed because i'm probably hypoglycemic but i have no idea what that means. But I probably am that because people said that a lot in like 2011.

You'd walk around. You'd be like, I'm in a bad mood. People would be like, are you hypoglycemic? That was a thing in 2011. People killed it with that shit. Being hypoglycemic in 2011 is like liking the killers. That was like high up on the fucking most i'm with it shits you know um and uh and i bring the dog in and i'm

ready and i got my fucking black shirt on and my my red jeans and black shoes so i'm dressed to fucking impress, dude. And I'm walking in with Koopy. And immediately I walk in. Is that a flat haired? Is that a lady that works there with a mask on? Is that a flat haired retriever? And I'm just like, I don't know, dude. I don't know. I don't know, dude. I wish the dog was mine from birth so I could still not know. But I didn't want to lie to the lady. So I said, I don't know. You know, it got into my family through my relationship. And she was like, yeah, it looks like a flat hair.

It's got a little bit of flat hair retriever in it because that's and immediately she's charlie brown's teacher because don't tell me all this information about my dog that you just saw once do you know that he fucking walks around like eeyore and he thinks everything is his fault oh you don't cool well i do because i know about my dog and you don't. So zip it. So I'm like, oh, cool. Yeah. Oh, I'll have to look up. And now I do lie.

Oh, now I have to, I'll have to look up flat. I'll have to look up flat haired retriever after this. And I fucking didn't dude, because I'm fucking gangster. But anyway, she's like, yeah, it's a flat haired retriever. And so what are we doing here? And it's one o'clock. The appointment at 1 30 and she's and i'm like oh i just i had to bring it in for a cut and a a grooming of a thing and then the lady behind the thing is okay yeah so okay well your groomer's not here yet all right yeah so just um and then the lady the flat hair lady is just like are you you're not gonna shave him are you and i'm just like what you shouldn't shave him and i say okay

she's like if you shave him then the hair will grow back on a flat on a flat and i'm just like i don't even know if it's a fucking flat hair retriever lady she's like well the hair grows back not the same if you shave a flat air retriever and i'm like are you are you just trying to tell me your knowledge about dogs like i'm gonna assume you know a lot about dogs you work at pet smart smarts in the title and so's dog pet you know you're a smart person a lot about pets when i walk in you don't have to fucking you know what i mean you're like one of those fucking religious guys that that just feels people and he was like oh you're who you crescan so i'm like all right I won't, I guess not shave him. I don't know.

I just, he comes in here all the time. Just whatever it is to do it. And she's like, okay, yeah. And then they're like, yeah, he's getting a cut. And then the lady with the, said the flat hair stuff was like, oh, and the appointment's at 1.30. Oh, okay. Well, we can't take him. And I was like, what?

She's like, we can't take, we can't take him because it's not 1.30 yet. And I was like, what? She's like, we can't take them because it's not 1.30 yet. And I'm like, well, I was just going to drop them off and then you can get to them when you get to them. And he's like, no, we can't do that. We're not a business like that because we got to wait till your groomer gets here. And I was like, okay, well, where is she?

She's at lunch. She'll probably be back around 1.30. And I'm like, okay, okay. Didn't lash out. Remembered, I tried to fucking be good. I tried to use my therapy to try and just calm myself down not myself because i don't have a lisp and i'm not mike tyson myself so i take koopy and again i take koopy get up in the fucking car get up in the car i go get a coffee because

you know your boy loves iced americanos and a fucking extra coffee I slurped that up. And I got it. And I also got some sweet greens. Ate the shit out of the sweet greens. And then I drove back. And I was excited. Now let me tell you why. I was excited because it was 1.31.

And I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait for them to give me shit about how he was late. I was praying that the info lady was in there with a mask on just talking about, oh, well, we actually, it's actually because he's late and we're going to have to. I was praying for it. So I could turn into Super Scion Crystalia, dude, and just really let that mountain range come out, really explode out the back of my shirt, like a goddamn Ninja Turtle, like I'm the fucking American Werewolf and Sherman Oaks, just fucking blasting off those

hikers trying to get up those fucking double black diamond ski slopes, fucking blasting off those hikers trying to get up those fucking double black diamond ski slopes just blasting off those fucking skiers and snowboarders just ready and I brought him in I said hey here's Cooper it was 136 by the time I got in and I was showing up fucking ready and they said oh, oh, thank you. And I just gave it to them and that was it. So my point of the story is it doesn't really go the way you think it's going to go. You make up all this shit in your head, dude. And it's a waste of fucking time.

Now for me, it's great because it makes me money. I come on here and I tell you about it. But if you're a regular person with no podcast and not an entertainer, don't bother yourself with that shit i'll get cancer because of that dude it's just like this man um actually the truth is i did go back and they still asked a bunch of fucking questions

and i was just like i don't know and they were like i'm gonna do a pet assessment of the dog and i'm just like cool you don't he's really simple you don't have to talk to me like this you know in my head i'm just like you can just do whatever you got to do okay and do we want to even cut all over the rest of the all over the body do we want an even cut all over the body and i i say yes because i'm not a fucking asshole you know what i mean i'm not one of these people that cuts their dog's body a different length than their face like they're a show like you don't have a show dog dude you know what i mean you live in ventura county just get your dog use a flobie for fuck's sake what do you have a shih tzu who gives a shit run that flobie over the shih tzu those are two things that shouldn't be words flobie and shih tzu

and i said them in one sentence but um yeah dude pet smart pet smart's where it's at probably so then i went to go pick them up and it it was all good, and he smelled like a fucking, the inside of an Oldsmobile, when you get the freshener in it, they fucking make it smell too much, the dog, the dog comes in, it's like, oh God, my girl's gonna think I'm cheating,

if you fucking run all over me, did you fuck a dog, did you fuck the inside of an Oldsmobile, no, no, of an Oldsmobile? No. No. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. I did it again. I did it again.

I said it again. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. It's so funny how much the internet and or just texting has like the way people are, you can see how they are with the shit. Like I was looking at this Instagram. I was going through Instagram with Kristen

and we were just like laughing at people on Instagram. Just like two good people do. Two really good people do. Just going on Instagram and laughing at people's faces basically because we're looking at their faces. Just two nice people just sitting in bed just laughing in people's faces on Instagram. Just like two, just sweet people, you know? Just like two, just sweet people, you know? And we found this one girl who is, did this thing where she was like with another girl,

just sitting with each other and their faces are close to each other. And she says, how does it continue? Wrong answers only. And we were like, okay, we know how it continues, you know, but what are continue wrong answers only and we were like okay we know how it continues you know but what are the wrong answers um where's the one word of the guy here's one this guy writes this under it i bust through the door and both of you look at me and say we've been waiting for you you sexy hunk of a man what took you so long poppy come here poppy chulo these clothes aren't going to take themselves ended the sentence a little early there, didn't you, buddy?

But this was, these two comments were two of the greatest comments I've ever seen on Instagram. This one says, for me, you can doing any time. Do you like one kiss flying as dust? Yes, like stardust is always love. You can de, D E. Ah, just so many words, so many words to have not a sentence in it. Like I get if you didn't make a sentence and you had five words, cause it's like, okay, you could have added maybe a few more words and made a sentence, but there's so many words here and not one sentence. He did it, dude.

He cracked the code, but that one is not as good as this one to me. Oh, please finish. That's so wild and amazingly beautiful when women make love and get so into each other. I don't care for two men. No. Oh, no. Hey, it's all good that you said that in public and in a public forum, but in secrecy, you privately switch.

Dude, how can you? That's like the fucking comment from the dad from American Beauty so funny man oh wow somebody writes wow SOS SOS SOS go to the bathroom go to bathroom and brush your teeth and tits

oh what Go to bathroom and brush your teeth and tits. Oh. What? Brush your tits? What is, what, how does this happen? Here is another comment from a guy. He leaves two comments. he leaves two comments he leaves two comments the first one is i love you dearly you're my son and then right under it he writes do you are you dislike like even if you're foreign which i'm

assuming is what you're my son imagine seeing two chicks make out you're foreign, which I'm assuming is, what? You're my son? Imagine seeing two chicks make out, you're my son. Just the fucking unbelievable shit that goes on on the internet. Oh, wait. This guy wrote, I think with your savvy and beauty everything will turn into your beautiful the way you want kisses the way to you kisses the way to you wow these guys just want to meet motherfuckers in the comments that's what it is you just want to meet motherfuckers in the comments how lonely are you that you comment on anything dude i can't fucking you know what's actually kind of annoying nowadays is how much people are talking about the fucking ufos that are like hey the government said and it, and it's like, the government always lies.

The media always lies. When people say look into it, it doesn't mean anything. There's so much information out there, fake and real. There's no way to distinguish it. Like when people are like, look into it, dude. What do you mean? Look into what? The real information or the fake information? It's all out there. Oh yeah, but if you look into it, you'll be able to discern what's, how? How? The New York Times says one thing. Fucking LA Times says another thing. They both say different things. One's wrong or they both say the same thing and they're both fucking wrong

the government's gonna tell us oh your government lies to you you need to vote Republican oh your government lies to you you need to vote Democrat your government lies to us whether it's fucking Democrat or Republican vote who the fuck you want to vote for it doesn't fucking matter at this point you're gonna get lied to

no matter fucking what, dude. And half the country is going to be mad at it. So now it's like this UFO shit. It's like, yeah, the government said this and you got to look into it. And the UFO, dude, show me a fucking UFO footage that doesn't look like a black dot in the middle of a goddamn grand right screen. Show me that shit. Show me the UFO up close. close ah but the aliens don't like it when you get too close oh yeah there's that fucking 900 million billion people in this world

we would have footage it's like the fucking bigfoot thing and i'm i don't not believe in ufos i don't not believe in aliens i do think that there's other life forms out there, but my point is, don't tell me that you know where they are and what happened and what you saw when there's never been good footage. And I'm going to get lit up from it because internet motherfuckers are dorks. They're going to be like, well, actually it's funny you say that because there was a place, you know, a lot of people think the hotspot is Roswell, but in actuality it's somewhere in Northern Dakota and there is footage about, no, not dude no there's not every fucking every ufo that i've ever seen with the grain it looks like a speck of something in in your teeth that's what it looks like that's what it always looks like when you first see something in someone's teeth you're like is that

is something in their teeth or not and then you look you're like oh yeah something is in their teeth or you look at oh yeah never mind i thought there was thought there was, but there wasn't, it's always that, oh yeah, I thought there was, oh, it fucking stayed, I was watching a fucking show the other day, and it was like, the UFO was up, was up in the air, and it was like, this is the most compelling UFO evidence that we've ever seen, it stopped in the middle of the air, and then it goes underwater, and I'm like, oh cool, we get to see this thing dive underwater, dude, it's so far away, underwater and i'm like oh cool we get to see this thing dive underwater dude it's so far away it's this fucking big it's this big and it's just sitting there it could be a fucking fit a fuck up on the film and then it just goes bonk into the ocean i guess

and some guys always over the thing just yeah that's a real yeah seeing it going there it's got a it's at least not going 70 not that's a real... Yeah, seeing it going there, it's got at least a hundred knots. It's going 70 knots. There's no ship on the thing that can... Get closer! It's just funny because I don't know how close you can get if it's actually

an object that's out of this world that obviously came faster than the speed of light so do you tell me how a ship tanker can catch up to that lest we forget it's a ship tanker I just I'm tired of it dude everyone who posts

all of the UFO shit the conspiracy theorists you're so high all the time you know what I'm talking about like you're so high all the time whoa like you ever see Joe Rogan's posts you know what I mean?

Of a UFO. He's like crazy shit. 2021 getting crazy. And you're like, dude, he's high. It's 1 a.m. Do you know what I'm talking about? It was like a post and everyone's like, see, told you the government said more than ever. And then his next post is about like, it's like a fucking, he's like i'm eating elk you're like oh he's high and i and by the way i

i love joe rogan obviously he's a friend but like the i and and by the way i believe in aliens all i'm saying is don't show me the fucking evidence that is in evidence the universe is fucking it goes real far you know in vegas when you're in one hotel and you're like let's just walk to the other hotel and and you're like oh yeah it's right there and you're walking for like you're like i thought it was right here it's the next one over do you know how many of those are in a universe like 35 there's like 35 of those that's the universe you would never walk the universe and out of this world that have a 8 billion people there's it's always a fleck of it's always a speck of it's a speck one guy didn't brush up against the fucking nano nano one guy one guy in nebraska

wasn't fucking tromping along the cornfields and just went, hey, what the fuck? And then, what is that shit? I got a slam on me. Never happened? Ever? I watched that fucking thing on the thing on fucking Hulu or Texas Walker Ranch or whatever the fuck it's called. Walker, Texas. That's the ranger.

Texas Ranch. And it's like inexplicable things. We had to go underground and there's a reading underground and they're in under the ground and they're like, yeah, I stepped down here and I immediately just felt

there's something. Dude, you're an asshole. People think I'm a dick. I get it. I'm not a dick. This is all jokes. But don't crawl down 10 feet and be like, Hey, something's, something's.

One time I texted Kristen about a watch I thought I wanted to buy, and she didn't respond for fucking three hours. And I was like, why is she not responding about the fucking watch I wanted to get? And I texted her back. She doesn't, I texted her back with the claps. I texted, you know how they do with the claps i text back she doesn't care about my well-being folks and then i looked and i i realized i sent both texts on my realtor imagine being a realtor you're looking for a house for a client and they text you

hey i'm thinking about getting this watch and then you don't text them back for three hours and you text the realtor. She doesn't care about my wellbeing folks. Oh, fuck. And then she was like, no, I like watches.

And I'm like, no, no, no. It was a mistake. You know, it was a mistake. And I,

I told her it was a mistake. She's like, yeah, but I like watches. If you want to go, what I'm like, fucking fuck, fuck.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say about that um thanks for listening this is another episode of congratulations and you know what the merch flew off uh there's no more of that there might be like one or two items left of the of the new life rips colorways and design those were the shit uh they fucking out. And I don't know. I may bring them back. I'm not sure. But they just, they did really well. And like and subscribe. I never say this, but subscribe, dude.

Do your boy a solid. And subscribe to the channel. We love it, dude. We love it. We love when you subscribe to the channel. If you're a true baby, you subscribe to that channel. And we love it. What's up, baby?

That's the episode. And that's it. That's the episode and that's it. That's the episode for YouTube, I should say. If you want the extended version, the uncut version, then you can go on over to our Patreon and watch it there. It's patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia.

That's what you got to do. You got to go over to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and click the link there and then it'll tell you what to do. You get access to behind the scenes stuff. There are other hidden episodes and you also get an extra episode a month. So it's content, content, content, my baby. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Thanks. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Was that an hour and 20?

It was?