Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 192. Oops In Your Face

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

🎟 Catch the rest of this episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia On this week's episode Chris hates on Funyuns, watches Kelsey Grammer fall, discusses the finer points of candy, the finer points of serial killers, and he does it all while his jaw hurts. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, welcome to my podcast. Congratulations. Yeah, dude. And we're off. And we are off. Look guys, I just want to take a moment to thank you, the subscribers of the Patreon. It has been very, there's been a swell of support and I want to thank you guys for that. It's really, really great and it makes me feel great. And if you're not joined, then get involved. I don't know what to tell you, but sign up for our Patreon.

There's shit you're missing out on, okay? There are uncut episodes, hidden episodes, and all that. Also, something else that would help us out is if you hit the like button. Now, if I was a jackass, I would say, hey, it's your boy Chris D'Elia. Smash that like button, but I don't do that because that's cuck behavior. So what I'm saying is press the like button. Just look at that little button down there and just press it. And another button you could press is the subscribe button. Smash that subscribe.

Smash that like button, but don't do that. Just gently, gently subscribe to the podcast. Just gently graze up against that subscribe button. Do you understand what I'm saying? So do those two things for me, please. And it would really help. Thank you very much. And oh, yeah, here's another one. Turn on those fucking bell notifications. So you know when the episode drops right so so there's pretty much three buttons you should smash okay there's the subscribe button that i want you to fucking smash and then there's the like button i want you to smash i want you to stop the video or just do it while you're doing it right now just smash that like button smash the subscribe button and then

do me a favor i want to go over to that bell notification uh button want to smash that bell notification button but i don't want you to actually smash it i want you to graze lightly up against that subscribe button i want to graze up against that that that like button and i want you just kind of carefully like sauntering over to the bell notification button i just kind of want you to breeze up against that bell notification so anyway dude that would help us out a lot and if you don't want to you don't want to it's free conch um so we're having a good time and it's me and that's it so i don't know why i say we but i say we do it um and my jaw hurts my jaw hurts dude and cut to the gif of fucking antonio banderas

closing his laptop and just going my jaw hurts antonio banderas with the fucking 90s hair that fucking jerry curled shit he looked like an extra and fucking uh coming to america, dude, my jaw hurts, and that's great, dude. My jaw fucking hurts so bad because I've got TMD. Now, I thought it was called TMJ, but when I went to the dentist today, he said, you mean TMD? And I said, well, what's TMJ? And he said, the fucking joint. J stands for joint. And I was like, oh, what does D stand for? He said, dysfunction. So you got that TMJ, which is T stands for something in the mandibular joint.

Total mandibular dysfunction. And it hurts. And then guess what? My fucking socket is out. I had to get a bite plate made, which is really cool when you're 41 and you need to wear a bite plate at night. Which is really cool when you're 41 and you need to wear a bite plate at night. And so my shit, the cartilage slipped, slipping out a little bit. Jaw won't open 100%. So much pain in my jaw and not only that, in my neck.

And not only that, behind my eye. Fuck yeah, dude. We got pain in my jaw. We got pain in my neck and behind my eye fuck yeah dude we got pain in my jaw we got pain in my neck and behind my eye dude it wouldn't be cool to it wouldn't be cool to only have one piece of pain in your head um so i have three so fucking come on man who's got the best fucking pain in their face me uh i challenge anyone on that dude uh oh yeah and then this shit we got this shit the wall's back dude i fucking closed it you know why i closed it dude you know i closed the curtains because i want to see which motherfuckers were gonna bitch about it that's why i want to close the curtains i want to see

people say dude why'd you do that why'd you do that a lot of you guys like the curtains a lot of you to be honest i thought way way more people like the curtains than i thought and then people like why did you do that man you're the og you had the wood wall first don't be a bitch and then some people like oh you changed a good thing why'd you fit why'd you change a good thing oh yeah well guess what motherfuckers i just wanted you exposed dude i just wanted you exposed boom i kind of kept the curtains a little bit though because a lot of people said they liked the curtains but uh anyway dude like i said, man, I got to work on this shit.

Like I talked about last episode on the Angry Olympics, dude. I got to just chill. I got to learn how to chill. You know? Yeah, I fucking do that shit. Ugh. I hate that about myself sometimes, man.

Like Kristen was talking to me about something earlier and she was just like what tv are you talking about and i go like this the one up here and she's like which what is that and i point i just pointed up she's like the one up there i said the one up there and she was like which one are you talking about and i said guess and she was like jesus and i'm like ah i know i'm sorry i'm me i try to fix it but it's so hard when your jaw hurts you know because then with me i'm like the kind of guy that's just like yeah but my jaw hurts and like my lips are chapped so So I deserve it. I deserve being rude. I deserve to let myself feel this rage.

It's the only emotion you can really control. Sadness hits you like a fucking ton of bricks. But the anger you can control. It's the truth, man. You're never actually angry. Angry is what you get. It's the truth, man. You're never actually angry.

Angry is what you get because you can't fucking control the other shit. So you're like, oh, I'm sad? Fuck it. I'm angry. You know what I mean? You're like,

oh, you're going to break my heart? All right, cool. Hold on one second. I'll be right back. Fuck you. Like, you're never fuck you. You're sad. What happened what happened oh my fucking my best friend died of an overdose hold on one second shouldn't have been taking those fucking drugs that piece of shit i always fucking told him not to that's what you fucking go to. Anger is never the primary emotion. I learned that

in therapy. It's all good. Saving my life. Um, literally, dude, I got chapstick. I'll tell you something that makes me mad. I got chapstick. It's this fucking chapstick and it's thick as fuck. And when I put it on, there's always some jackass that's like, is that a glue stick? No, it's not, dude. It's my fucking chapstick and it's cool as shit anyway dude my jaw fucking hurts man it's probably because that chapstick is so fucking big but um yeah so i went to the dentist and uh i went to the dentist and smashed that like button. Anyway, speaking of fucking anger, dude, sometimes people think I'm angry. I'm not even fucking angry.

I posted a TikTok, dude. Your boy's been real active on TikTok. And guess what? That's it. I'm a TikToker. I'm a fucking TikToker. And I do some funny TikTok sometimes. And sometimes I, oh, dude, I love the comments on them, man. I love people meet and make friendships in the comments and then get married probably because they both find, oh, you're dumb

too. And so I did it. I did a TikTok video where I did, where you can start a video. You can have a video. There's a video. There's already a video of a TikTok for those of you that don't know TikTok. And then you can take that video and add your own ending to the video. And I'm like, this is great for me. I can just fire off how dumb the videos are with my ending. Do you know what I mean? So there was one video of two women that take this mosquito net. They're in their bedroom. They take this mosquito net and they put it over themselves and they go to bed. And it was an ad for this mosquito net. And I ended the, and I stopped, and their videos, after their video, I put my ending to the video, and I said, hey guys, just close your fucking windows, you idiot, you know, you don't, what an

unnecessary piece of shit garbage, what the fuck do you need that, they're in their bedroom, dude, oh, these blasted mosquitoes, close your, close your door, mosquitoes. Close your door. Hey, what about walls? You got them? Do you have walls? You've got walls.

You've got mail. Remember that shit? And then it would be like, file's done after you're recording fucking porn, after you're downloading porn. would be like bile's done after you're recording fucking after you're downloading porn dude you just be like in your fucking parents office just like let me just fucking download this jeff there this fucking jpeg right here fucking let me just download this JPEG fucking pinktits.com. Oh, here it comes. Cool. All right, cool.

Nobody's going to know. This is great. Biles done. Oh, God damn it. Chris, what? What's Biles done? The fucking audio is so bad it would be Biles done. Biles done. Dude, have the guy record it with the f harder files done um anyway dude so i did the fucking

thing my own ending on the video and i wrote just close the door you fucking window you fucking idiots and then like a minute later it was like your tiktok goes against fucking community guidelines and i was like what because the two ladies were asian in the bed so i was like your tiktok goes against fucking community guidelines and i was like what because the two ladies were asian in the bed so i was like is this a hate crime i didn't understand and they were like it got flagged and took off for bullying dude bullying it's a fucking ad it was an ad for a mosquito net. An indoor mosquito net. They took my shit off for bullying. First of all, I'm joking.

Second of all, it was an ad, dude. How do you bully a fucking ad? This is where this country and this world is headed, by the way. This is where it's headed. How do you bully an ad? That's like bullying cereal. Bullying Kellogg. You can't bully a fucking product.

It's a thing. It's got no brain. It's got no feelings. Dude, we're already on our way to bullying products. How insane is that? No, no, no. I saw a video today. Just listen to this. I texted it to my friends. Oh, that's sweet. My buddy texted me and he asked me how I was and you'll never know who it is. And that's very sweet. We like when that happens. So look, but let me play this for you.

Is it in this one or was it the other one? No, it wasn't that one. It was in the other text chain. Here it is. Here. Dude, this is a real thing that somebody said and meant it. We have quiet rooms that are available. There's a range of options of these, right? Please don't go in that space with anything that's like an aggressive scent

ah we have quiet rooms that are available there's a range of options of these right please don't go in that space with anything that's like an aggressive scent this is at a fucking what do you call it like a it's in a a town hall thing like a like a fucking a big theater and they're like talking about how people should be certain ways it's probably at a college or some shit and the guy's got an ascot on obviously but he says like don't go we we have spaces and don't go into spaces with an aggressive fucking scent. Like, first of all, what's an aggressive scent? Okay?

And I don't mean, like, I don't know what I think an aggressive scent is. I do know what I think an aggressive scent is. But how do I know what you think an aggressive scent is? If I just go, look, honestly, any scent is aggressive in my book for real. If you put on one piece of perfume or one piece of cologne, AKA perfume, that's aggression. I don't like it. Get out of my safe space. Okay. But does that mean that I'm going to tell people what to wear or what not to wear, uh, with, with, with, when it comes to spraying their shits? Yes, it does.

I will tell them what to do. But if they say no, I go like this. Dude, I fucking like your style. Because you do you. In this same fucking video, in the same thing people were talking about, there was this town meeting, in this town meeting, whatever the fuck,

it was a college thing, whatever the fuck it was. But they were talking about how, guys, there's a lot of chatter and i just want to stand up i get triggered by the chatter can we not chatter bro you how about you change how about that how about you change how about not everybody in this room full of a thousand people has to change how about you change how about the fact that we don't believe you that it triggers you and it triggers your anxiety when you're voluntarily talking into a microphone in front of 1 000 people you know what i'm talking about you can't expect the world to cater to you you can't expect the world to change to you because dude not everybody gets a fucking participation trophy after the age of 12 dude i was 12 i got a participation participation trophy and i and i thought and i thought it was

bullshit even when i was 12 i played tennis dude and i played tennis with the dickens dude i played good man i got most improved one year but the the year after that, I got fucking Mr. Hustle. And you know what Mr. Hustle was? It was a participation award because fucking everybody's hustling. You're trying to go get the fucking shit and you find out, oh, who got Mr. Hustle last year? Oh, fucking Dion. Oh, fucking Mark. Oh, these motherfuckers aren't athletic.

I'm a bitch. I got Mr. Hustle. I knew it was bullshit when I got Mr. Hustle I knew it was bullshit when I got Mr. Hustle You participated I knew as a 12 year old Who gives a fuck You're 30 talking about how you're triggered because people are whispering How about when they're yelling dude

How about when they're in your face Yelling like the real world Then what you get triggered Your mommy's gonna die one day Your mommy's gonna die Then what the fuck are triggered? Your mommy's going to die one day. Your mommy's going to die. Then what the fuck are you going to do after that? Scream out mommy to who? People don't give a fuck if they're not your mommy.

That's all I'm saying. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-mm. Dude, it's so fucking, like, just fucking whatever. I don't even mean to say man up but person the fuck up dude just say man up because i want to trigger people so not this one oh it's just like bullshit man crazy motherfuckers dude the guy was like hi he was like whatever he was like he was like, I'm Paul, he, him. I just want, yeah, dude, how about this, man?

If you just look like a dude with a dick and like you're bald and have hair, a beard, we're good, dude. You don't have to tell me he, him. How about that? And if you identify as a woman, go for it. Then tell me she, tell me tell me she her and you know what i'll be like okay ma'am because i don't give a fuck that much i don't

care but if you're just some dude that looks like he plays video games and has a mega death t-shirt on dude i guess he him like if you're a dude that eats Funyuns you don't have to tell me fucking he him Funyuns dude goddamn Morgan Doizaki used to eat Funyuns in my high school that shit smelled bonkers bad the fuck would eat Funyuns? Dude, Funyuns are the worst fucking things ever. They're like rings. Funyuns, dude. I don't like, you know this if you listen to the podcast.

I don't like when they take two words and they put them together. It's not cute, dude. Try harder. You just took two words and put them together. It's not clever. Funyuns. Gross, man. Funyuns gross man funny you know what i don't trust you know what i don't trust candy that gets better as you ease it as you eat it

that's what i don't trust i want that shit banging from jump no i'm talking about you take a reese's you put that shit in banging banging. It's a party in your mouth immediately. That shit is flavor central immediately. Starburst, banging. Twix, banging. Skittles, banging. Hot tamales, the fuck out of here. You got to eat like 12 of them and then your mouth's on fire and you fire and you're like okay i'm getting into it do i'm talking about gross dude good and plenty fuck you dude i want

it banging immediately gushers when you put a gusher in your mouth your head explodes into a gusher. Immediate banging taste. What was the one that started all this? Funyuns, dude. You got to eat like 12 of those fucking things. And then you're like, okay, I guess I'm getting into it. I guess I'm getting into it. When people say shit is an acquired taste, guess what that means? Bad.

If I have to work to get the taste good you failed candy guy if i was a candy maker and somebody said my candy was an acquired taste that's the most cock shit ever too by the way is what say it's an acquired taste no dude no dude it's an acquired taste you have to learn to like it we're humans dude just put that shit in your mouth put it in your mouth like fucking what's his name on lethal weapon

Danny Glover when he said put it in your mouth discover more value than ever at Loblaws like fresh promise Put it in your mouth. loblaws is committed to fresh so you get the best fruits and veggies look for new value programs when you shop at loblaws in store and online conditions may apply see in store for details anyway dude my jaw's been hurting the whole time so that's great it's the jaw hurting episode um so yeah dude that's i just i fucking one time my friend when yeah but morgan dozak used to eat the shit out them motherfucking funyuns man and then one time i used to eat like candy i used to eat like starburst and fucking fruit by the foot and fucking cancer city or whatever the fuck it was and uh one day my friend ryan was like i don't eat candy that you know it was made in a factory

and i was like guess i'm fucked forever on that now. That shit fucked me up. He's like, when they're using beakers to make candy, I'm out. And I was like, God damn, I wish I fucking thought of that. So instead of wishing I thought of that, I stopped thinking that and I thought, you know what? I thought of that first. So that's mine now um yeah you can do that you can do that uh anyway bugles bugles or bugles bugles dude family size. Get your whole family to learn how to like this shit. Chips. You know what you don't need to ever fucking change at all?

Chips. Chips are chips and that's it. There's two types of chips. There's the fucking regular chips that are potato chips. And then there's fucking Mexican like Tostito ones that you put in salsa. Any other fucking chips? Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself, dude, you highfalutin chip eater.

Go fucking drown, dude. Go drown. Go drown. Those baked lays and shit. What's the one that makes you diarrhea yourself all over the place? What's the one that they recalled? They recalled one chip because they were like, okay, our bad, everyone shit themselves.

What the fuck? What were they? The double baked Lay's? What the fuck were they? Lay's with Olestra. Who the fuck would eat anything called Olestra anyway? Olestra, dude. That sounds like the sexiest chick

at a Russian party. Hello, my name is Olestra and I would like to show you how beautiful I am. Hello, my name is Olestra. May I show you my blacklight in my room? Oh, shit. Olestra, dude. Name it something

tastier. This shit. Food corporations are bullshit. They are such fucking fucking they are such crooks dude and criminals they're just like they don't even you can't even you look at the back of a thing at the sugar they don't even they highlight all the shit and then they don't highlight sugar so you won't see it you know how fucked up that is go look the sugar is always in the regular font that they use the regular writing on and everything else is all in bold because they don't want you to know

how much sugar is in it because so much sugar is in it because if you eat too much of it, you'll die. But they won't eat too much of it because they're Coke. Dude, Coca-Cola, I read an article once on Coca-Cola and I read this article about this guy who went undercover to Coca-Cola meetings and shit. I don't even know if that's true. But he was like talking about Coca-Cola and how he overheard one of the fucking CEOs of Coca-Cola say, we're not trying to have more people drink Coca-Cola. We're trying to put more Coca-Cola into people. That's what the guy fucking said meaning he wanted more of the

people he wanted the people who drank coca-cola to have more of that coca-cola and that was like dude we're just fucking vessels that they want to that that that they want to pump their fucking sugar come into do you know what i mean they just want to pump their sugar come into. Do you know what I mean? They just want to pump their sugar come into us. And we are just like, I don't know. And they do it, dude. Because we're like, hmm, cool red label.

That's so gross. I'm an activist. That's so gross. I stopped drinking Coke that day. I want an activist. That's so gross. I stopped drinking Coke that day. I went cold turkey. I used to drink five, six sodas a day. For real. I don't know how I wasn't a blimp.

Your boy stays lean no matter what, though. He does, dude. He stays lean no matter what. He does. So, yeah, I don't know. Let's get into fucking some hot shit though you know it's like previously on congratulations and we look and we see chenzo with a bloody mouth dude it's a fucking you know we do that bit because it's a good bit

you know it's a fun bit we don't have too many graphic bits but ivan get rid of is fucking good at the shit so we fucking let him have we let him have some fun with it you know um i don't know dude i've been watching so many serial killer shows i swear to god i'm gonna fucking start killing people. And like wrongfully accuse things. And it's just like so fucked up, man. Every serial killer is like, we had no idea. Bro, you knew.

You knew. I don't believe that about people. Like if there's a serial killer around my circle, I'm going to know who the fuck it is. I know you're never going to catch me with a really, wow. I would have never known, bro. I knew. Okay. If somebody is like, yeah, but his own people are like his own mother didn't even, the mother was a dumb fuck. You know, dude. Okay? None of my friends are fucking serial killers.

I know that. Didn't understand what I'm saying? If there was one, I would know. It's just so fucking obvious when somebody's a goddamn serial killer. They just like don't say much. when somebody's a goddamn serial killer. They just like don't say much. And they like button their shirts all the way to the top.

And they have like glasses that are in fashion now, but they weren't back when they were serial killing. And they comb their hair way, way the way they shouldn't. That's a serial killer. Real simple. Always wearing khakis. fucking simple dude i know if you're serial killing you don't talk much and you do all that shit and uh and and another thing with the serial killers too is like you a lot of the people who knew that serial killer was oh they would do

this a lot where's he been i haven't seen him for a long time because that's when he was out fucking serial killing oh we had no idea he was always the he was always the kindest and it was they always say this too he was a hard worker't... Dude, that's because he had to fucking not feel bad about serial killing. He buried himself in the fucking RV rental place or whatever the fuck he worked at. Also, if you work at an RV rental place, there's like jobs that you,

if you have, you're definitely more apt to be serial killing. RV rental, you know, uh copy copiers like kinko you work at kinkos maybe not kinkos but like in the 90s like a copy place like a mom and pop copy place when they used to have them and i hate to say it but now fucking postmates and uber, in 10 years, I guarantee it. I guarantee it. There's going to be fucking three or four Postmates serial killer ass motherfuckers that we had no idea about it now.

They would just come, deliver fajitas and oops in your face, a knife. Oh, sorry. I poisoned your fucking Boston market. Oopsie. I thought you ordered a side of poison with your fucking honey baked ham. I thought you ordered a side of razors with your Bob's Big Boy. Yeah, dude. It's obvious. And I'm telling you right now. I had Uber Eats and fucking Postmates motherfuckers showing up. And I'm just like, that dude goes serial killing.

I'm just big and beefy and a tall drink of water. He knew he couldn't take me. You'll find it out in 10 years. The Postmates killer. The Postmates, the Uber Eats killer. But one thing that wasn't on the menu. That's what they, I hate when they get cute with all those serial killer documentaries. Or the 2020s.

But what she, but what she didn't order, you know what I mean? But what she didn't order, it's always that shit. Billy Ray Stevens. Billy Ray Stevens grew up and they're always in the fucking Marines or the Army. And they beat the serial killing into them.

It's like, it's real good for your fucking, what do they call it? You learn discipline. Yeah, but dude, you get, I'll tell you what, man. I'll tell you, I'll tell you this much. If I went into the Marines, I would be a fucking serial killer. Because there's a guy who takes discipline well, and then there's a guy who takes discipline and then starts getting mad, and then everything else is everyone else's fault. And that's your boy, dude.

Wake up, you know? Private. I would be like, ah, fucking, it's fucking 5.30 a.m. Wake up, private! And you got to wake up. But this guy's got a real fucking chip on his fucking shoulder. What's that you say? I didn't say anything, Lieutenant. Sergeant, I'm sorry.

Drop down and give me a hundred. I can't. I can do fucking 80. Clean this room with a toothbrush. Bro, that guy's dead when I get out. You understand what I'm saying? Dead. I become a fucking postmates driver in that guy's hometown.

I can't wait for fucking Sergeant Dickface to order some fajitas. And I go, oh, I got, as a matter of fact, if someone else gets the job before I do, I show up to the restaurant, kill that postmates driver, take the food and drive to Sergeant Dickhead's house. And I go, remember me? And then stab him in the eye with a fucking toothbrush discipline me now big boy that's what i say dude so sexual but yeah dude fuck all that there's no way they were always in the army or the navy or the fucking

you know and they they had a dog and they don't know where it went because he tortured it a little bit yeah he was never good with animals or or he was super good with animals you know it's never somebody that's like been in the middle with some shit that's my point and your boy's not in the middle at all dude i get mad when somebody says some shit like you don't remember me do you when we met i'm enraged when somebody says some shit like, you don't remember me, do you, when we met. I'm enraged when someone says that. When they shake hands, hey, what's going on? Yeah, good to see you. Oh, good to see you. Oh, you don't remember meeting me, do you?

Oh, they try to pull away. Oh, but I'm still holding, dude. Oh, you thought I was going to feel awkward? I don't fucking do anything but hold the hand still and i lean in dude and then i say nah i don't remember you that's not my fault i don't remember you be more memorable but i have been going to therapy. And honestly, a lot of this is jokes. But be more memorable, but be more memorable.

You know what's weird is, though, the fact that there are people that just don't fucking laugh at all, dude. And I know I talk about this sometimes, but I can't fucking believe there are people out there that are like wall street motherfuckers only crunch numbers and then get off of work and then meet fellas for drinks and then talk numbers and then talk about like their family and don't really laugh that much dude why oh my dude watch youtube's of where Oh my, dude. Watch YouTubes of where people slip and fall.

Have a good time. Stop crunching numbers and watch the clip where Kelsey Grammer fell off the fucking theater. Dude, do you remember that one? Oh, fuck. Or whatever. Let's watch it.

Kelsey Grammer. I feel bad for him, dude. It it's first thing that comes up on youtube imagine that's your fucking legacy the guy didn't every show he did ran for 4 000 years and the first thing that comes up on youtube is kelsey grammars kelsey grammars frazier falls off stage so disrespectful to to call him, to bring up. Look, here we go. This is so great, dude. Trip through. It's a small world.

Pretending I was a UN interpreter. Peter Griffin. So mad. I think I'm. Wow. Yeah. Took it like a man, though, huh? Oh, wow.

I think I hurt my back. Just chilling, dude. You know what? This guy's the man, dude. That hurt so bad, it just seemed like he went in the man dude that hurts so bad it just seemed like he went in the pool that's all it just seems like he went in the pool oh oh it's colder than i thought um god when i first saw that as a kid oh my god the antonio banderas closing the laptop in fucking the movie assassins when i first saw that i was just like

i didn't even laugh when i saw him go drop out of frame i just i didn't even laugh when I saw him go drop out of frame. I just, I didn't even laugh. I just went. Speaks to my soul. He did 40 years. He did four different shows that ran for 40 years. And this is what he's going to be known for what kind of fucking cocksucking name is kelsey grammar you know

that's like your fucking name is it's like your name is voltron hamburger oh shit dude what does this family fucking decide it's between kelsey grammar and voltron hamburger well since our last name is already grammar why don't we go with kelsey grammar otherwise it would have to be voltron hamburger grammar. Voltron hamburger. I'll form the bun. Roll out. I'll form. I'll form the. I'll form the lettuce.

Roll out. I'll form the fucking secret sauce. Roll out. I'll form the fucking secret sauce roll out I'll form the fries roll out I'll form the plate roll out I'll form the friends meal just keeps going roll out I'll I'll form the waiter i'm already i'm actually i'll just chill i'm just i look like i could be a waiter anyway dude kelsey grammar falls off stage dude anyway uh what was i talking about oh yeah serial killers um so yeah dude it's obvious who the serial killers are I should write a fucking

god how much would that be a name of a memoir it's obvious who the secret it's obvious who the serial killers are it's like a fucking flowers for Algernon or some shit Kelsey Grammer dude

some guy commented I saw and he said man the uh the unintentional hilarity of chris talia's podcast and how he's losing his mind is fucking funnier than any dude you don't get the joke this is what the whole thing is descent into madness if i that's what it is dude that's what everybody's doing that's what everybody's doing and if you're not descending into madness if i that's what it is dude that's what everybody's doing that's what everybody's doing and if you're not descending into madness you're a fucking boring piece of shit you seen out you seen out pacino you seen him in the beginning don't ask me about my business kate and now he's doing movies oh yeah oh oh yeah he's fucking nutso dude nicholas cage he started doing movies and he was just like hey i'm nicholas cage and now he's fucking have you seen a nicholas cage movie oh everything dude he'll be a lawyer i'll play a lawyer and in the middle of a courtroom scene he'll just be like

oh then you're just like what guilty oh he's innocent oh because he's so nicholas cage nobody is tempering him that's the shit my mommy is like that she became so much you know it's like ladies and shit moms become that when they talk to you and shit and they're just like put on your coat you're just like it's fucking summer yeah you're gonna catch a chill okay i guess my mom is my mom haha yeah um oh that's another one i want to add to the soundboard the jay-z insecure laugh we're gonna do some soundboard shit so yeah so serial killers man always you always know i'm just i'm tired of the fucking people not knowing i feel like when this podcast starts when when people watch the podcast they start the podcast

and then they watch it. And then by the time the podcast is at the end of the podcast, we have like two viewers left. Oh, I fucking totally forgot. I went to get x-rays of my fucking tummy. Remember I told you guys I had a tummy hurt? And I went to get x-rays of my fucking tummy. Remember I told you guys I had a tummy hurt? And I went to get x-rays with the tummy. And the lady was like, and the lady was like, oh, dude, I was already, yep. Talk about the angry Olympics, man.

I was at the fucking x-ray place. Second time I've been there. First time, she wouldn't let me do it because she thought my insurance wasn't paid, but it was paid. Okay. That's it. That's all you got to know. So I left dude. And I leave and I go like this. I give her my card. She says, Oh, it's not coming up. Chris D'Elia. Is there any other name that it would be under? What are you talking about? Hi, I'm Chris D'Elia. Lookia look that up and that works and if it doesn't it's your fault like what are you talking every time you give your fucking insurance card to people they're like okay so okay make it better insurance cards but it always works it always ends up working which is the worst part because

you know you're right you give your insurance card and then people are like i don't see it and you're you just you're ready for the i don't see it already you give her the thing your name could be literally uh fucking you know suck shit like the easiest thing to spell. Okay. So S U C K S H I T. Is there another way to spell it? And you're like, nah, just suck shit. That's my name. Is it, are you sure it's not C H I T? It's not suck shit. What am I Mexican? D-H-I-T? It's not suck chit. What am I, Mexican?

Suck chit. And they're like, okay. All right, well, let me, let me. Do you have the social security? Sure. Yeah, it's not coming up. They say, all right, well, just can you try again? Let me try something else.

Okay, see, here it is. Try that first. You know what I'm talking about? It's always some fucking lady with like a tattoo on her chest and you're just like this fucking lady has a tattoo on her chest of like the san francisco 49ers logo and and then you're like and then you're like okay okay, cool. And so this time, though, I went to go get the x-rays. And she was like, it's not coming up. And I was like, all right, I'm going to fucking drive home. I'm prepared to drive home and have it not work. So I can stir in this, it didn't work.

The system failed me. You know what i mean i could stir in this the system failed me type uh feeling and just feel that all day and feel like i know shit's failing out there but i did what i had to do i brought my insurance card to the x-ray place it didn't work that wasn't my fault even though literally this shit could be killing me in my stomach i'm like the system failed me i'm good this is how i think for real so i drove home i'm like fuck it all right cool i fire off an email to somebody who the insurance thing i'm like why is it not working they send me another one so now i get the other new insurance card which is still the same plan i'm all paid up everything is fine so now i drive down there today and i'm like can't wait for this one not to work

i'll drive home even faster right system fails System fails me twice. Fuck it, dude. I lived a good life. And so I get there and I say, you know, just like head wobbling so much, I'll give fucking George Clooney a run for his money. Just like, hey, how you doing? i got my fresh insurance card i've never used it before first one i even had the two on you know how they give you two attached together i didn't detach them i had the two on there i gave her both of them here's one for last time and one for this time and i said here it is fucking her acrylic nails yeah see the anger now is in the middle of my chest at yes see yeah see it's not is not oh yeah i remember you coming like yeah yeah because the you said the thing didn't work and so i got a new card and I'm all paid up and I know that for a fact now and so here's my card

yeah okay she hit me with that tone and I'm feeling good dude because I can't wait to drive home even faster and let the system fail me twice so I can be right twice is there another way to spell your name always with that again dude nope it's c-h-r-a-s-d-e-l-a-a

she says okay well let me try the not do you have social security let me try the policy no okay she said you know what i can try then i'm there fucking 10 minutes i said did you know what? I can try then. I'm there fucking 10 minutes. I said, did you try with the apostrophe after the D? And she said, the asterisk? Yeah. Like Aaliyah was a fucking typo. Like Aaliyah was in there in lieu of another last name so i was like nah it's just yeah okay hey look you can call it a fucking monster truck if you want to as long as it's dangling on the upper half of the d we're good and uh she was like she was like okay um i said listen i said so what are we going to do here i i literally i literally said that i said so what are we going to do here because

this has worked everywhere else and it hasn't only worked here twice now and I've used it since the last time and it worked so what do we do I said and she said I said that and she said well um I could try something else and I said said, yeah, you should try that. And she said, I am. And I was like, oh, oh, we're taking steps here. We're taking steps to the octagon. You didn't have to say I am because you already said you could try something else. When you throw on, when you tack on that second I am, you're opening the gate to the octagon.

Because I just replied to your, you're doing it. And I said, yeah, you should try that. But then when you hit me with another I am, the only thing we're wearing are trunks. only thing we're wearing are trunks so i calmed down i remember dude i've been doing a lot of therapy i think what will kristen do okay chill well kristen i fucking didn't have time to go get a bunch of fucking presents and give to her because that's what kristen would have done i guess here's a loot bag and uh yeah and so i fucking waited and she was like she goes like this oh okay here it is and i and i said oh yeah yeah oh well yeah that makes sense And I said, oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, yeah, that makes sense. And she was like, okay, so yeah, here's the deal. It was D space E-L-I-A. And I was like, yeah, well, that should have been something you tried probably last week when I was here, but I guess they don't have a space for an asterisk. Anyway, I went in, and I got the fucking X-ray. I said, thank you very much. I appreciate it. I know it was difficult to get through all this shit.

Waited, went to get the X-ray leaned on my side the big ass fucking x-ray shit and the nurse was sweet she was like are you trying to be here and and what she said she was like you don't want people to know like she was like you don't want are you trying to get out of here without people noticing you it was just sweet it was like like she thought i was fucking tom cruise or some shit nobody gives a fuck if it's just first of all i got my mask on and i'm fucking getting x-rays like she thought tmz was gonna be outside or some shit and i was like oh it's not a big deal she's like what and then she dude what's up with people they just throw you for a loop sometime i was like oh no it's fine and she was like yeah i know who

you are i was like oh that's cool and she was like do you have a meeting or something and i and i and i was like oh a meeting and she was like yeah you like have a meeting or something and i was like no are we learning english like what is this do you have a meeting yes it's at 4 p.m central Are we learning English? Like, what is this? Do you have a meeting? Yes, it's at 4 p.m. Central. Sometimes people just hit you with some weird shit, dude. Like, you're just getting the x-ray and the nurse is like, do you have a meeting? And you got to be like, no.

You know, it's one of those things where you literally think am i the fucking idiot here because this is a very basic thing to ask somebody do you have a meeting and it's so basic that you already know the answer so quickly but it has nothing to do with anything that you've been talking about so you're just like well the answer can't be that simple like i start thinking like is meeting a fucking term for something else medically like that i'm in this hospital but then i just you don't have any answer so you're literally just like okay well i don't have a meeting so i'm just gonna answer it that way and i I just say, no. You know what I mean? One time I was driving late at night. I was in high school.

And this, I see the sirens on the back of my car. A police man is pulling me over. And I'm like, wow, I don't know what I was doing wrong. You know, sometimes you trick yourself into thinking, well, I don't know what I was doing wrong. You know, sometimes you trick yourself into thinking, well, I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but you know you're a little bit speeding or you were texting or what. This was before cell phones. And he pulls me over and I'm like,

all right, I don't know what I did. I really don't. And he says, I roll the window down. A cop rolls up. He says, hey. And I said, hey, and he says, um, do you know why I pulled you over? And I said, uh, no, I, I, I don't, was I, was I speeding? And he said, no. And I said, oh, okay.

no and i said oh okay and he said well i pulled you over because you were driving this is what he said and i quote he says you were driving rather gingerly and i took a beat and i i thought okay well that's okay because uh that's not bad and then I took another beat and I actually thought do I know what gingerly means and I said to him I said that's okay, right? And he said, oh yeah, it's very okay. And now I'm like, am I in Twin Peaks? Because I don't understand what's happening. And I said, oh, okay. And he said, sometimes if people have had too much to drink, they drive very carefully,

and I said, oh, okay, well, I haven't had anything to drink, and he said, I could see that now, and I said, okay, so I was just driving carefully, and he said, yeah, he said, well, have a good day, and be safe getting home. And I was like, okay. The weirdest fucking shit ever. But sometimes people just throw you for a fucking loop, dude, with these questions. And then I remember right as the window was closing, he stopped and turned around. And he said, do you have a meeting? Anyway, dude, I guess that's it.

This was fun, man. I told you, it's fun doing this podcast because I fucking forget these things that happen in my life. Like that thing with that cop. I totally haven't thought about that in years. And sometimes I think of shit all the time. Like there was another story I told, I think all the time.

Oh, my buddy Ryan, when he said the thing about, what was it? The king the candy yeah the candy in a factory yeah um yeah i think about that all the time but yeah it's good to share those stories with you and also the ones that fucking make me think of them when i'm in because when i do this podcast i only had like let's see one two three things to talk about. And sometimes I like to do that because it makes me nervous. It's like, I don't have enough to talk about. And then when I do it, I'm in like this fight or flight mode to where it's like, I have to come up with other shit. You know, I do this on stage a lot too. Like I'll go up with one idea and I'll just start talking about it. But it's a lot of fun doing this podcast because I know I have to fill at least an

whatever, a fucking hour or something of stuff. And then so I start thinking about other things. It's really fun to do. So I really appreciate it. I really appreciate you guys listening to this. Um, so yeah, dude, uh, I'll close it up by saying thanks for, uh, the, uh, all the Patreon love. It's been really fucking sweet. And, uh, don't forget to fucking gently graze up against that subscribe button and gently graze up against that like button and also when if you're there you know just kind of gently throw a warm breeze over to the fucking bell notifications you know to just fucking do you know what i mean i'd like you to fucking just just saunter on over to the subscribe button and just see what it

feels like right there and then all you got to do is just kind of maybe do a little hop skip and a jump over to the fucking and just take a look at the at the like button just take a nice meaningful look at the like button

and then when you're on your way over there just fucking crop dust the bell notifications. I'd love that, man. Thank you very much. Hey guys, that's the end of the episode but head on over to our Patreon and you can see the rest of the episode which is

patreon.com slash chris d'Elia Go check out the rest of the episode at patreon.com slash chris d'Elia. Go check out the rest of the episode at patreon.com slash chris d'Elia and you can also check out all of the backlog of the hidden episodes that aren't available on YouTube, only on our Patreon and other bonus content too. And you're supporting

the show, so thanks very much. Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Motherfucking Bob You scared the fuck out of me Motherfucker Motherfucking Bob Motherfucker right yeah yeah yeah yeah hey what's up what's up guys yeah i'm not gonna do that

anyway let's go what's up guys