Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 194. We're The Falcons Now

Episode Date: June 16, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris takes a look at Covid 19 magnetization, The Paul v Mayweather fight, the secret world of men according to Buzzfeed, and the world of men's urinals. 🎉 Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia 🔔 Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 🎽 Merch: https://store.chrisdelia.com 🎧 Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/2Knvv7v Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. free. Yes, you heard that right. From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaws is committed to fresh, so you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. Hey guys, welcome to my podcast. Congratulations Dude, it's awesome, man. You know something I've got it fucking can't stand wait. Hold on before we even start You guys we appreciate the love on Patreon. You guys, the numbers are growing. It's a swell of support. We love it.

We also love it. Now, if I was a jackass, I would be like, you guys, smash that like button and smash that subscribe button and smash that bell notification button. I am not a fucking jackass. I'm a real human being. I'm a father and I'm a businessman. Well, wait, where is it? We got it on the soundboard, dude. The Jay-Z insecure laugh. So what I want you to do, if you don't mind, just gently brush up against that subscribe button knock a little bit into you know like you're at a party and you go to and you and you knock into something and it

breaks a little bit and you go to fix it and you can't actually fix it so you just kind of like leave it a little bit broken but you leave the room before it breaks again, do that to the fucking like button. Just kind of like, oh, I can't, oh, I can't. Oh, there it is. Just place the like button precariously where it's supposed to be. And then when you see that bell notification, just kind of like do a, a nice little fucking kind of like a, like a swivel on over to the, and then a, a a touch on the on the bell notification number i saw somebody who said on the last video a last podcast wow that was the most comprehensive thing about like button this and that and shit whatever and then somebody said yeah i've been a subscriber and i'll also hit the like button on this one but i'll be damned if i hit that bell notification

and i'm like wow that's fucking gangster so yeah subscribe like and fucking dude it helps it's fucking awesome when you subscribe and like it if you want to be a part of this cult you got to subscribe and like bell notifications are cool too but if you're not going to do that subscribe and like um the marijuana's got my vision cloudy tupac laughed like that once and i think about it a lot it's on the e40 song e40 raps like arnold schwarzenegger um what the fuck you get a gun for if you're gonna hesitate um that's that's e40 slash arnold schwarzenegger um A40. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold 40. Dumb.

Anyway, dude. You know what, dude? Some of the jokes are going to hit. Some of the jokes are going to fucking fire in all syllables. And some of the jokes are just going to lay flat as shit, man. You know? I feel good, though. Sometimes I got to be honest. I start these podcasts and I don't feel good though. Sometimes I got to be honest.

I start these podcasts and I don't feel good. And sometimes I start the podcast and I do feel good. And I do feel good now. And some days, you know when you wake up and you just feel ugly as fuck? You know what I mean? It's just one of those days you wake up and you're like, I'm fucking so ugly, dude. And you look in the mirror and you're like, yup. You wake up and you're like, I hope it's not an ugly day. And then you look in the mirror and you're like yup you wake up and you're like

i hope it's not an ugly day and then you look in the makeup and you go makeup you go look in the mirror jesus christ man one time for the tumor um and uh you look in the mirror and then you fucking then you're like yup i am ugly I look like fucking Jabba the Hutt. And then some days you wake up and you're like, gonna be a good day. And you fucking moonwalk on over to the mirror and you look into it. And your eyes got some sort of sparkle in it, man. That was today for me. I got a new shirt that came, put it on.

Oops. And fucking wore it around town. I was just, you know, I had a little step in my walk, walking around town, you know, pepping my step, whatever the fuck they say, and got a coffee, got some food, and then just came back, played with the sun, dude, God, he was in a good mood today, he woke up, Kristen brought him in and he was just like that that that that that that that that that that and i'm like all right i'm up and then he said mama he'd come to me and then point to her mama mama mama mama mama mama mama and like okay and then he'd see a

ball and he's just ball ball ball ball ball bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. He's like a fucking Dick Tracy character, like fucking Johnny Repeats or whatever the fuck. Johnny Repeats Jr., because I'm Johnny. But yeah, dude, and then we were looking at him today, and we picked up a banana, and we say, ba-na-na, and he goes like this, ba-na-na. And it was so fucking cute cute dude it was so cute because he's only up until this point done the same syllable like like butters he says my dog he'll my uh my incel dog he'll say buh-buh or like bottle is buh-buh but he went buh and then you saw something click in his 16 month old brain and he and it and it just went like change and he said nah nah

buh nah nah and it was so fucking cute dude so by the end of the week, if he doesn't know the song fucking B-A-N-A-N-A-S by Gwen Stefani, I'm going to fucking ground him. That's going to be the first grounding I'm going to do for my son. Yeah, so shit, my mans. I don't know. I don't know. But, you know, I woke up. I felt good. And that's good.

It's good to fucking relish in those moments, you know, because sometimes you don't feel good when you wake up. And I'll start by saying this, man. I have a year sobriety. I have a year sobriety. And I can't believe I'm saying that. And I feel good, you know. And it's hard and I don't want to run before I can walk,

but I'm taking it a day at a time and I've been, fuck man, I feel so insecure talking about this and I feel so exposed to talk about this, but I haven't uh haven't had sex with anybody but uh uh my fiance in the past year and um i know that's like fucking whoa what do you deserve a medal what do you think you get a medal and the truth is when you're in fucking uh sobriety and you're in these meetings, you actually do get a fucking

medal. You get one for, uh, you get one every now and then. And, uh, you know, it's been COVID and, uh, all my stuff's been virtual, but, um, I don't know, man, I, I, I never thought I could do it and I am doing it. And, um, I just wanted to share that with you guys. And I don't, I don't know. I do feel really fucking insecure opening up talking about it. But I do want to also talk about it. So I, because I know other people deal with the same fucking issue, man. I mean, I've had a lot of people reach out to me since this all went down and have talked about how they have addictions. Whether it be with drugs or sex or alcohol or whatever it is. Um, and, um, I, uh, I just feel for them, man.

And it's, uh, it's, it's hard and I never thought I could do it. And I trust me, man, if I can do it, you can do it. And it's, you know, it gets me fucking emotional talking about it because um a year it's been a year and it's just fucking i never thought i could do it and uh anyway uh i do feel like i should let you in on that since uh i i do want to be transparent and honest with you guys about that um you know i used it's weird thinking about my life and how different it is now. Just – I don't know. I was in my men's group yesterday and adequate you know and it was either after shows looking for a way to get laid or stand up or at home with my family and my, I mean, this was before Calvin, but like with, with my, um, mom and dad or brother or fiance or whatever it is. Um, the things that made me feel adequate were these things that were on the end of each spectrum. You know,

you had the standup, the rockstar lifestyle, and then you had the family stuff. And the middle was, was the hardest thing for me, you know, like the-up and sex and whatever it was and um the late nights out that was just boom boom boom boom boom go go go the family stuff was the um relaxing wow i feel home i feel good about myself because these people love me for me and I love them for them I felt safe you know but the middle shit was the shit that was just mind-numbing to me it was it was like you know when you here's how here's what I thought it was before I'm a, I'm, I'm a comedian and I'm friends with the most, literally the most entertaining people in the world. Um, you know, I would sit every other night and have a conversation with whoever the fuck it was, Bill Burr, Joe Rogan, fucking, uh, any number of these guys that were, their job was to talk and they got paid millions of dollars to

do it. And, um, I thought because of that, it fucked me up enough to where I couldn't be at a party and listen to some dude talk about his lawn, you know? And I remember my ex-girlfriend, one of the reasons we broke up, she said, hey, do you want to go to lunch with me and my friend? And I said, uh, nah. And she was like, well, why not? And I said, I don't know. It's just your shit. You go. And she was like, well, I would want to go have lunch with you and your friends and i said fucking no shit my friends are will sasso and fucking dove david off you know and i was joking but i was serious too and i used that as an excuse to compartmentalize like my fucking behavior and um And I realize now that it wasn't that. It was, I didn't feel good just being, just being. I always felt like there needed to be some sort of safety

or there needed to be that high octane fucking Mach 11 lifestyle. And through this past year of sobriety, I've just realized I'm trying. And it's a work in progress. And I hope this helps people. But I'm trying to be – I try to find that middle. I want to get to that middle and be okay with that middle. Like I was talking to my therapist once, and I think I've talked about it on my podcast before about how, you know, um,

I always felt like I had to do something to make people like me when the truth is I just like Calvin because he's just here, you know? And, um, I don't know. You don't have to do something. You know what I'm saying? You don't have to walk into a room and be something you can just be and being comfortable in that being is, is really hard for me. And, um, I don't know. I hope what I'm saying is, is I hope it, I hope it helps people. And, um, you know, all the shame and the guilt and shit that, uh, that comes with all of that. Um, if you. If you feel it too, because you have your demons or whatever the fuck,

I know it's a struggle. So you can do it. And anyway, I just figured I should talk about that because it's been a year. I guess now we can talk about fucking uh you know dumb shit like we do on this podcast but uh i i didn't even mean to start out like that and i didn't even know if i was going to talk about it but i did And so now we can talk about other things, uh, like, uh, fucking Buzzfeed articles and shit. Oh, actually, you know what?

I fucking was, uh, reading this article here. Oh, wait, let's talk about this fight, man. I watched the fight, the Floyd Mayweather fight with Logan Paul. I watched the fight, the Floyd Mayweather fight with Logan Paul. Logan won before the fight. It's just you win, man. You did it. You got there. Also, that dude is like, you know, it's so cool to watch him become a man because he was a kid, you know.

People just expect so much of motherfuckers, know this kid filmed the video in in a forest and i know this is old news now and nobody even talks about it anymore and and and and you know not even that we should or we shouldn't but like it it's it's so cool to see what he's become and he so obviously learned how to grow up and be a man and um you know after the fight when he was just like man i hate being a dick this is just cool to be here and it was just cool to to see that um and uh and it was wild he went eight rounds with fucking floyd mayweather i mean of course there was a size difference i mean i'm sure if logan went up against what's that guy dante dante wilder or is it dante dionte i mean whatever it is you know i'm it's like i'm just a white guy but like it's either dante dionte or davante dude black people will just like add one letter in a like a name will

get or be around for like five years and i'll just be like i'll let's add a V, you know? And you're like, Krav. Yeah. My uncle's name was Craig. I'm Krav. Um, you're like, all right, Krav's. I saw a fucking guy on, was it the bachelor? His name was, his name was Courtney and it was Q U A R T N E-e-y ah courtney you know that's like an alien fucking killed his parents and then dressed up as his parents and we're like let's name him courtney no one it's it's regular name no one will know and then they just uh-oh and the birth certificate i don't know it sounds like quarter. Q-U-A-R. Courtney. And so yeah, so anyway, it was fucking cool to see. I watched it with my parents and, and you know, my dad's always like, who, so who is the, it doesn't matter who the fuck, if somebody's under 50, my's like who is that it doesn't matter it could be like fucking ryan gosling he's like yeah so i know and my dad's in the fucking business dude

and he's just like no i he was he was he the one in and you're just like dad you know who fucking ryan phillip he is you know yeah I, I, and then sometimes I know him cause I worked with him when he was five. Like it was Seth green. It's like, I know who he did a chips a Hoy commercial with him or some shit. Um, and so he's like, so this guy's a boxer now. And I'm just like, yeah. And we did it. And the shit my mom was saying during the fight, just like, Oh, Oh, when, when, Oh, he needs to punch him more like yeah no shit you know he's only landing like 10 imagine my mom as a boxing announcer oh look at him he's so much bigger he's so much bigger why isn't there a weight difference

there's a different these are different classes right this is my mom during the this is the shit these are the things that she was fucking saying oh we missed him like just fucking oh we missed him we're all watching oh he's got no skills. That's what, that's what she said. Oh, my favorite one was, oh no, don't do below the belt. That's who you need to announce boxing matches. Because boxing is, look, let me just say, Logan Paul went fucking eight rounds with the greatest boxer alive. Boxing is done.

Do you know what I mean? Floyd needed to knock that motherfucker out in two rounds. Otherwise, boxing is done. They're going to offer. Why the fuck? Oh, I know he's a boxer now and he's a talented athlete, Logan. But he's trying to shed his YouTube image. It's like, dude, YouTube, a YouTuber went eight rounds with fucking Floyd Mayweather. That's it.

Boxing is done. Turn on the UFC. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's like fucking. Oh, no, don't do below the belt. My mom talks to fucking TV screens more than black people. And that is two black jokes. And good thing I can't be canceled again.

But you ever watch a fucking serious... I mean, it's such a hacky joke, but you watch a horror movie with a black person. They're just like, don't go in there. You're like, no, they have to because it's part of the movie and uh anyway i i i got i got this fucking shit sometimes i let me let me just play this this is you can this is a a lady who was spreading misinformation on the um on covid on the uh that the covid vaccines are magnetized i just don't get how people and some of the information that i think had been discussed on your podcast this is the other woman talking frequencies podcast

and and it was because now because right now we're all kind of hypothesizing. I mean, what is it that's actually being transmitted that's causing all of these things? Is it a combination of the protein, which now we're finding has a metal attached to it? I'm sure you've seen the pictures all over the Internet of people who've had these shots, and now they're magnetized. Now they're magnetized. A key on their forehead. It sticks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I stopped at the wrong time. I'm so sorry. I'm deeply, deeply, deeply sorry that I stopped at this wrong fucking time because that's when it got good. Hold on. I got to go back to it. Here we go. Which now we're finding has a metal attached to it. I'm sure you've seen the pictures all over the internet

of people who've had these shots, and now they're magnetized. They can put a key on their forehead. It sticks. They can put spoons and forks all over them, and they can stick. Because now... They can put spoons and forks all over them, because they stick. Whoa, dude. Oh, my God, dude. Get a fucking different job.

Whatever your job is, get a different job. Dude, get in a boat, travel out there, jump off, leave. What are you doing? What are you doing? What else does she say? I think that there's a metal piece to that. There's been people who've long suspected that there was some sort of an interface. First of all, there's fucking 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 people in the background. It looks like a Judge Judy image.

You know what I mean? Like where you'll see she's talking to, I don't know. This is on the fucking, literally on the Ohio channel. So uncreative. I mean, dude, try Ohio. People make fun of Ohio so much. And then they're just going to have something called the Ohio channel. And there's fucking however many people said.

And dude, why are they not all going? They're literally just sitting there watching this lady talk about how to be defined an interface between what's being injected in these shots and all of the 5g towers not proven yet i'm so sick of people talking about 5g What is it that's being transmitted to these unvaccinated people that are causing health problems? I'm so, so, so sick of people saying 5G. I'm just so fucking sick. I don't give a shit. Oh, the government's tracking me after the injection?

Cool. Good. Fucking follow me everywhere, the government. Follow me everywhere. Follow me to the goddamn coffee me everywhere follow me to the goddamn coffee bean follow me to the deli follow me fucking driving around talking into my phone making a tiktok follow me government it's just insane you got your phone in your goddamn pocket you have gps on you we're all RoboCop anyway.

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Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. Dude, I don't understand. People are so...

That's the thing about the internet dude this is exactly what it is this is exactly what it is hear me out dude everybody has the person in your family that you either don't invite to thanksgiving or you dread inviting to thanksgiving okay And there's the other person in your family that's like, we gotta invite him. And you are, all right, fine, we'll invite him. You don't wanna invite him. And the reason why you don't wanna invite him

is because they've got like a weird job and they're fucking kind of bonkers. They'll say shit like, well, you know, I used to sell fucking watches out of my coat or some shit. And you're like, really? And they're like, yeah. Or they say wacky fucking bullshit that just doesn't gel with the family.

The family is a unit and this guy's the outlier. You know what I'm talking about? Everybody's got that person in their family. talking about everybody's got that person in their family all of those people are now on the internet everybody from that family is on the internet and they all found each other all of these motherfucking crazy lunatic ass motherfuckers found each other on goddamn Twitter. They all signed into Reddit and they're like, oh, you think Biden's a lizard too? Hey, wait, you think Trump's actually dressed in Biden's skin? Oh, hold up.

You think Nancy Pelosi's a hologram? Cool. oh hold up you think nancy pelosi's a hologram cool what you doing for thanksgiving you're not in do these motherfuckers out on the street screaming about fucking jesus christ whatever the fuck they're screaming your government is this you're who's listening there's a guy on holly Hollywood and Highland every day screaming. He's got a little fucking karaoke box and a crate. He stands up. Who's listening? People are literally saying, get out of the way.

That guy found 10,000 other that guys on the internet. And it's working. They're in force. They're mad because they didn't get invited to Thanksgiving one year. So they created lunacy. They created, well, you know, the fucking day's coming. No, no day's coming. fucking day's coming where they no no day's coming no day is coming it's today and tomorrow's tomorrow or what happens if the thing doesn't happen on the day and then the day well the reason is because they was this was the plan or we just didn't know because they were

trying to tell us but we didn't listen. Do your research. No. Do your research on how to become a real person to get invited to fucking Thanksgiving. Do that research. 5G, their government is... Don't you think it's fucking odd that Bill Gates and Bill fucking Jeff Bezos got divorced at the same time. They're gay lovers. You know that, right? They're gay lovers. They're going to marry each other and they're going to be the richest guys in the world.

And then they're going to inject us with everything and we're all fucked. You know that, right? You know that, right? You know they're going to fuck and they're going to marry not only themselves but their money. And then they can buy whatever they want. You know that, right? You know we're going to be enslaved, right? You know freedom isn't free, right? There's no freedom. We're probably living in a simulation

right now. Okay, you know what? Fine. Even if you are right. How the fuck are you going to stop it bank manager what the fuck are you gonna do a plumber oh really oh biden is a lizard oh hillary clinton ran pizzagate oh really okay well Okay, well, what are you going to do, a mailman? What are you going to do about it? What are we going to do about that? That's the whole thing to me, man. The government's, oh, you know, the government's got secrets. I fucking hope they do. I don't want to know everything. i'll be pissed the fuck off dude

i can't even go get a goddamn x-ray in my stomach last week without getting pissed off at the lady working the keyboard you think i want to know what the government is doing well the government's not transparent good don't you think it's kind of weird no no actually yeah that's all it is weird it's so fucking unreal dude these people found each found each other. We're losing. We're losing because they found each other. The guy with fucking gravy all over his face that's not wiping it

is running shit on Reddit. You know what I'm saying? Uncle Greg is fucking running shit on Reddit. He's running it. And you're not arguing online. You're not even arguing against it. Do you know why? Because you've got a job and a family and you're level-headed. So these motherfuckers are William Wallace in their way to the front line of fucking Reddit. They can take our lives, but they cannot take our parlor.

You lunatics. And it's both sides, dude. it's both fucking sides fuck off with your oh well you're a liberal oh well you know dude i'm not either dude i'm chris nice to meet you what do you believe in ah fucking i'll hear a few people talk and then just be pissed off at all of them. One time, my friend was so drunk at a party, so fucking drunk that he just goes like this and falls back purposely into a glass table. and falls back purposely into a glass table the glass table goes and he goes oh and i'm thinking what the fuck did you think was gonna happen so i pick him up i bring him into his bedroom because the party was at his place and i said hey man take off your shirt i want to see if you're bleeding or not. And he takes off his shirt, and he looks at me, and he said,

what do you breathe? And I said, what? And he said, what do you breathe? And I said, air? And he said, yeah. And that was 17 years ago. I've never been more confused in my life until now with all the weird shit going on. It's just

every single fucking cock sucking day, dude. Every single cock sucking day I go back to that time. What do you breathe? Well, the key magnetizes on your head, and there's obviously mag... Oh, it...

Did someone shoot me with an arrow? Yeah. Why? Well, why don't... Why do you think? Oh, no, is it because I thought that if you got the COVID shot... Blood from the mouth. That you get magnetized.

And you... And the key is... And the key is stuck to your head. You know they say if you get shot by a fucking fucking arrow you're supposed to break it off and pull it out the other way nah if you shoot me with an arrow bye bye i'll just die dude i'm not doing all that work after getting fucking shot by an arrow what you got there's always there's some jackass at the part well you know what you got if you bring up but you know what you got to do if you get shot by an arrow you got to break it off and pull it out the other way all right what are you a fucking marine i'll just fucking get i'll just

die dude that's it if you're lucky enough to shoot me with a bow and arrow i'm out i'm out i had a good life i had a good life i got my legacy calvin can grow up and be like yeah my dad got hit with an arrow and be a badass wow everyone just dies of, my dad got hit with an arrow and be a badass. Wow. Everyone just dies of cancer. Your dad got shot by an arrow. Did he do the thing where he broke it? Nope. My dad was too stubborn. He said they got me and died. You ever think about all the people that you met in your life? Do you ever think about everybody that you ever met in your life? Like how many people that might be? And then sometimes people will pop in your head. Like I'm at the age now where I fucking will remember somebody and I'll be like, oh yeah, that guy was a whole person I knew for four years. I was just reminded I was on my YouTube and a

video came up from a guy that I used to fucking hang out with at the coffee bean when I used to run that motherfucker. If you go over the wee early episodes of congratulations, I used to run that motherfucker. I used to run that block, dude. I was the mafia Don at that. I used to talk about that in the early episodes of congratulations that that coffee bean doesn't exist anymore. But there was a sushi place, a fucking salad place. Now there's like a bank and a fucking five guys.

But dude, I used to run that motherfucker, man. I knew everybody there. This guy used to come in. I didn't really know it then because I was like 24, but he was just a... He had a lot of... I guess he had mental issues. But I fucking loved that guy.

I loved hanging with him. Really big dude. And older, you know, I don't know how old he is now. But I found out he's still alive and doing shit and still making these videos. He used to make these videos. And he would call the videos, GNN. Hello, this is the Gregory news network.

And, uh, I used to watch and I used to, I used to laugh. I'd be like, did you just fucking have your own channel? And yeah, I do.

And I, I make business cards and he would make his own business cards and hand them out. Would you like one? And I'd be like, Oh, you should save those for other people. Okay.

Just so you know, you know, and he was one of those motherfuckers, the government, you know, yada, yada. And he made this one song on YouTube that was Okay, just so you know. And he was one of those motherfuckers. The government, you know, yada yada. And he made this one song on YouTube that was Go, go, go, Obama.

Go, go, go, Obama. But man, he made this one song that I think is beautiful. It's so funny, dude. Let me play a little bit of it. Former senior White House advisor. How did that come up? How did that come up? did that come up three two one he

does that thing like it's just a youtube video and he's like three two i gotta do that on congratulations a few years ago for my show it's entitled here he made a song. I want to share it with you. This guy was fucking always happy. He's in Florida now. Eastern time, which is 728 AM. Pacific time. And now, here's a song that I wrote a few years ago for my show. It's entitled and now this song is dedicated to all the beautiful ladies out there that are single and are christian so specific look and here's the deal too

there isn't a more explains it all that happens so quickly right here. There isn't a more, ah, well, that explains it than what happens right here. I'm a Christian. Okay. It's called I Love Beautiful Women. This is a song that I wrote. I love beautiful women every single day. I love beautiful women every single day. I love beautiful women.

That's the only way. Now that's a portion of the song that I wrote. Oh, give us a slice. Give us a slice. Now that's a portion of the song that I wrote. I love beautiful women. That's the only way. I love beautiful women each and every day

now that's a portion of the song just gave us a slice dude it's like when you know someone's doing this fucking football halftime show and they're rocking out but they only do snippets of songs because they've got to fit all the fucking hits in this guy gave us a slice

of moves of his moves like Jagger. Entitled, I Love Beautiful Women. Let me sing a portion of it again. I love beautiful women every single day. I love beautiful women. That's the only way. What do you think? Explains it all in three, two three two one I was married for almost

16 years in Los Angeles my wife she left me in September and explains it all immediately thousand and nine and divorced me in November 2009 she's from the Philippines originally I met her in Los Angeles I was here's a picture of my wife and I I fucking like this guy man I miss seeing him actually because we we used to fucking just chill at the coffee bean and then one time um I drove by him and I was like I was like James and he kept walking I was like, I was like, James. And he kept walking. I'm like, James. I hadn't seen him in years.

And he kept walking. I'm like, James Gregory, Gregory News Network. And he turned and he was like, oh, hey, how's it going? And I was like, hey, what's up, dude? Remember me? And he was like, yeah, yeah, let me give you my card. And that was the last time I saw him. And I was in fucking Florida. And I don't know why and but he was in la for a while and and and uh it's just

it's just crazy these people fucking come in and out of your lives and i fucking had so much fun with this motherfucker man i don't know who knows if i'll fucking see this anymore i'll see this or not but i fucking love people man i love people i love their faces and shit and just like the shit they say and they're so fucking annoying sometimes but it's just like that's them dude you ever hear what's that saying if you knew somebody's whole story, you could never hate them. Whatever it is. Yeah. Like this lady who thinks fucking keys can magnetize to your goddamn head. When she says it, I'm like, fuck this lady.

But like, dude, who knows? Maybe your dad was like, you want a cookie? And she was like, yeah. And then he fucking goes like this. And ate it in front of her face and said then he fucking goes like this and ate it in front of her face and said good night in the kitchen and locked her in um i want to do a buzzfeed article because we did buzzfeed articles a lot one of these last times and it was fucking fun for me guys are sharing men this one is guys are sharing men's secrets, and they're surprisingly really hilarious and wholesome.

Let me tell you something, man. No secret is wholesome. Okay? There's no secret. A secret is something that you hear and you go, what? Really? Really? You you go, what? Really? You know Jimmy? Yeah.

You know him and his wife? They're fucking swingers. Every Friday night they go out to the parties. They got those masks on with the fucking nose dicks, like eyes wide shut. And then we listen to that music. like eyes wide shut. And then we, we listen to that music.

They do those parties. We could just walk by and just feel a girl's tits and it's fine. Jimmy and his fucking wife do that. What? They do? That's a secret. A secret is never wholesome. You're never like,

hey, you know Todd? Yeah. He likes rye bread. What? What do you mean? Like on his fucking sandwich, like he'll put, he'll put turkey and cheese. And a fucking mayonnaise and lettuce and tomato.

And a fucking stack of rye bread. A piece of bread on the bottom and the top. Really? Yeah, him and his wife. Him and his wife will eat fucking rye sandwiches and rye bread. Get the fuck out of here. Jimmymy jimmy this one yeah he seemed like such a fucking regular guy so buzzfeed how guys are sharing men's secrets and they're surprisingly really hilarious and wholesome here we go last week i wrote a post about guys sharing men's secrets. Well,

our BuzzFeed commenters came through with some additional examples of men's secrets, and they're also pretty entertaining to read. All right. Here's what they said. Number one, losing your hair is extremely distressing. It makes you feel unattractive, old, and insecure. Not everyone has the face head to shave off remaining hair get the fuck out of here seriously guys don't like to go bald? Come on, dude. You've got to be joking. Hey, dude.

You're going bald. Hey, man, you're losing your hair. I'm not. hey man, you're losing your hair. I'm not. That's a fucking crazy, crazy secret. Did you guys know that? I mean, I know it's on BuzzFeed and they broke this news, but I wanted to put it on a platform also to let you know that it's coming from Chris D'Elia. Guys don't want to go bald here's another one adjusting the bits i i don't like when just say balls it's just like when somebody says call women think it's funny oh the twins are talking about their boobs the twins are just, they're not twins.

They're all twins. Twins are twins because some people are twins. If everyone's twins, they're not twins. So you can't call your boobs twins because they all look similar. Both of them always look similar. It makes sense if you fucking think about it. And I'm not explaining it further. Adjusting the bits is second nature to men. And it isn't something we even do consciously for the

most part. True. All it takes is accidentally sitting on your balls once and you will do anything to ensure it doesn't happen again. Okay, sure. So please don't overreact if a guy adjusts his junk. He probably needed it and he probably didn't even realize he was doing it. I mean, okay. Okay, sure. You know, secret? No. Sure though. How about this one? Number three, I love cuddling next to my wife as much as she loves doing it to me it's the feeling of being wanted and protected that is just amazing what the fucking fuck dude dude hey ah shut up you know what the fuck oh, bro, you like coddling? This is not a secret.

Who wrote this shit? Tom Cruise? I feel like Tom Cruise wrote this shit. Tom Cruise is like the kind of guy that would be like, hey, what's up, guys? Yeah. Hey, you know what? You know what? You know what I like doing?

Fucking my wife. And you're like, all right, dude. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that crazy sexy to fuck your wife? You're just like, all right, Tom Cruise. You're acting like you're over... Are you gay?

What? What kind of gay guy loves fucking his wife? I think it's extra sexy. Look at this fourth one. Our balls are sweaty almost all of the time. No, they're not. You fucking weirdo. What do you, what? No, they're not. My balls are drier than a motherfucker. Usually. What are you doing all the time that your balls are sweaty?

That's disgusting, bro. Our balls are sweaty most of the time. That's like, you know, like maybe a really hairy Armenian dude. Yeah, bro, I agree. You have to trim that though, bro. Otherwise, your balls are sweaty most of the time I told that to Buzzfeed bro

Our balls are sweaty most of the time Armenian dudes love the movie Scarface I'm like that you know that right Our balls are sweaty most of the time And then also on top of that Say hello to my little friend, my penis For serious though, first you get the money Then you get the power, then comes respect

After that, for limited time only You get a free family mobile plan At the Glendale Galleria. Limited time only, bro. Oh, fucking one time I was at a party and I saw a fucking Armenian dude say, like somebody was talking to him and he like fucking was showing him something and he touched his face

and he was like, hey, hey, serious, for serious though, bro, don't touch my face, man. I don't like that. I have a thing about my face and it was so obvious that he didn't. He was just wanting, wanted to be like a guy with something.

Ah, I love it, dude. That's like my friend's fucking wife once said, we should fix up an old car and they, guess if they did it or not um here's number five women receive compliments from men and other women constantly but it's much more rare that anyone will compliment a guy for anything they are some comp there are some compliments that i received years ago that i still think about to this day. Bro, what is happening to people?

I want to be like what's happening to men, but it's not that. It's everyone. What the fuck? If you tell me a comp... By the way, this guy... Don't... Doesn't everyone get compliments every day?

I'm not trying to be like, yeah, I'm the shit, but like every few days, somebody's at least be like, yeah, I'm the shit. But like every few days, somebody is at least like, Hey, cool shoes or some shit. They're like, Oh,

your hair looks nice today. Or maybe we can't do that now in the fucking woke environment. The last TV show I, I, I worked on, they, they had like a fucking, um,

uh, an overview of everything you can and can't do. And in the workplace environment, because you about offending people and shit. And they basically just it was like a fucking 10 minute meeting and they just showed up and they said, hey, just fucking keep your mouth shut unless you're doing your lines. We're fucked. Just shut the fuck up. Don't ever talk. She's like, all right.

Who doesn't get compliments? Number one, this guy's a fucking loser. Second of all, if you, there are some comments that I received years ago that I still think about to this day. Like, imagine that guy doing that. Imagine him just like. Thinking about how somebody told him that he's got fucking You know Thighs that compliment his fucking torso too Number six funny one

There are urinal rules When peeing oh, this is I love rules Okay, so I better like this one if If no one is there, take a corner. If, why? Why? If there is a urinal with a guy on the right and nobody on the left remotely go as far from said guy as possible, no way. Fucking no way, dude.

Uh-uh. I go right next to the dude. I use the urinal right next to the dude and I go like this. We're a team now. And he goes, and he says, what? And I go like this. We're a team now. And he says, what? And I say, we're a pissing team. What do you want to call ourselves?

The Falcons. We're the Falcons now. Hope we win. That would be fucking so dope. Dude, one time I was like fucking 11, we were at a Dodger game, or no, I must, yeah, we must have been at a Met game, because I still lived in New Jersey, and my dad loved the Mets, dude, and I was in the bathroom, and I was waiting to pee, and the guy was peeing in front of me in the urinal and the guy said hey you want to back up a little bit could you get any closer and i was like and i

was like what like you can't do that you can't use like sarcasm to like a nine-year-old you know he's like hey hey if you was any closer you'd be me well i know you i'm me i'm my own person you're a different person you have a body and i have a body and my dad was like hey why don't you relax to the guy and i was like i don't know what's going on right now but if you fight it does to wind up being pissed on all over all of us. We're going to roll around in lots of piss, so don't fight my daddy, please. I will just step back a little bit, and then when you're done, I will piss and do TTs in where you did TTs.

You don't even have to flush. Hey, you just want to back up a little bit. No rules when you go into a men's bathroom. Dude, I start pissing as soon as I walk through the door. I don't give a fuck. In my pants. Who cares? I piss.

Bro, how baller would it be to go in a men's bathroom and just go and start pissing your pants? You're wearing gray so it can be seen, you know? And everyone's like, what's like what are you doing and i go like bro these urinals are for pussies i'm the man oh fuck i wanted i wanted and i want to be so famous so i can do that so there's stories like that about how wacky and insane I am. It would be so fucking dope, dude. And only wear sunglasses. Wow. Imagine, dude. Imagine a guy. Come on. Come on with me on this journey. Fuck NPR and listen to this. Dude, imagine going into a men's bathroom at a fucking Dodger game with gray pants on and sunglasses and just walking two steps in and taking a fucking kibadachi stance and just letting that fucking TT Australia come out.

I say Australia because when you piss, it always looks like Australia on your pants. And people say, what the fuck are you doing? And I go like this, urinals are for pussies. I'm sorry, little... Fuck! I fucked it up, dude. I hit snipes and hit them up before I hit Jeremy Renner.

And you go, TT Australia. And people say, what are you doing? And I say, urinals are for pussies. and I say urinals are for pussies it's how it should have went and I fucking redid it and that's A-OK woohoo

bile's done bile's done bile's done Biles done. Biles done. Biles done. Fuck yeah, dude. Wow, can't believe I hit fucking Snipes and Tupac before I hit that Renner. Fucking fuck it, you know? i love beautiful women each and every day i love beautiful women that's the only way

dude i loved you know therapy is a form of therapy but also this podcast is a form of therapy love doing it Also, this podcast is a form of therapy. Love doing it. I don't know, man. What else? What else can we fucking even... I'm sorry, little kids. That's it for this episode on YouTube.

For the rest of the episode, go and join our Patreon. It's raw and it's uncut. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And you can catch all the backlogs of the other Patreon episodes. You get an extra episode a month. And you can go watch them all right now over the past months. So sign up on our Patreon for those and the rest of this episode.

Thanks. Oh, dude. And before we go, man, fucking turn around and fart on that subscribe button. Just fucking turn around and fart on that subscribe button. And as a matter of fact, if you see somebody, if you watch a video where you see somebody say, smash that like button, smash that subscribe button, do me a favor, unsubscribe from that motherfucker. I'm telling you right now, turn around and fart on that subscribe button, dude. And then turn around another 360 and lay another fart on that like button. Turn around another 360 and lay another fart on that like button.

And then bend down, look square at that bell notification and just blow right on it, dude. Fart, fart, bend. That's what I want you to do, dude. It helps us out on congratulations. Subscribe. Fucking fart. Subscribe. fart subscribe fart like the video and then fucking blow on that bell notification button appreciate y'all and uh remember dude 40 pizzas in the last 30 days but also remember 40 pizzas in the last 30 days but also remember... But also remember... Okay, dude. no, no.

Angling it towards her, but twist it. Yeah, okay, well, now it's too much. Okay, well, no, no, more up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Okay, okay. The marijuana's got my vision clouding. Ha, ha, ha.