Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 195. Be More Memorable

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  In this week's episode Chris discusses influencers turned boxers, the terribleness of TikTok dancing, a crazy attempt at robbing an armored truck, and decides that he is that guy. 🎉 Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia 🔔 Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 🎽 Merch: https://store.chrisdelia.com 🎧 Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/2Knvv7v Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. What's up, my baby? This is episode 195 of Congratulations.

Crazy. Crazy. What's up my baby? This is episode 195 of Congratulations. We're in it. We're in it. It already started. It's the moment that when you saw that thing happen, where the fucking video got uploaded, and then you got excited, and now it's playing. The show Congratulations is playing. And I'll tell you what, it's not going to get better than that moment.

The moment of excitement is the best. Before the moment rips. It's like going to Las Vegas. Remember, when you think about all the times you had in Las Vegas, if you went to Las Vegas 10 times, you remember one dope time? That's not enough. That percentage is bad even for a major league baseball hitter okay you understand and the times you remember are driving there here we go that's like the

movie swingers they did it perfectly so look i'm gonna try and just ride that moment as hard as i can um i said i'll tell you what every time i say i'll tell you what, every time I say, I'll tell you what, actually, every time I say, I'll tell you what, I think of my friend who used to, who had this, he had this like phase of his life where he would say, well, I'll tell you what, and then say something. And he would do it all the time. And this lasted for like two years. He really wrote out that i'll tell you what phase and one time we were on our way to las vegas and and he was doing it a lot and i said something and he said well i'll tell you what and then said nothing after that and And I had that moment right there where I was like, am I going to let this fly?

Am I going to let him just have his, I tell you what, moment because that's his thing or am I going to call him on it because what are you going to tell me? So I said, uh, what? And he says, nah, just. That was the birth of Chris, y'all. That was what made me realize you call somebody out on their shit and you get shit back.

Right. But we fucking it's on, dude. it is so on and we're firing on all syllables and dude i said firing on all syllables and i do that because it's better okay not firing it firing on all cylinders dude i'm not a a fucking uh a ford truck uh i'm not a what i'm not a hemi am i a dude do i do i look like a fucking hemi to you no so i'm firing on all syllables and people in the comments are like you said syllables it's cylinders oh it is you got four wheels you got a drop top are you exposing the titties, no, so we're firing on all syllables, because I'll tell you what, what's up man, another thing I'd like to address is,

I'll give you two answers for this hey chris and i get this question a lot are you wearing actually you know what i used to get this a lot do you shave your arms the answer is no and i wish i did so i could look right into the fucking camera and say yeah i shaved my fucking arms and be about it about it. But that doesn't really happen that much anymore. What happens now is Chris, are you wearing lipstick? And I wish I was dude. I respond to those comments sometimes. And I see, I wear, and I say, I wear lipstick all the time, but I'll tell you what though, instead of that, your boys just got really red, pouty, good model lips. That's what I, that's what I have. That's my, that's what my cross to bear is.

My lips look like they, I don't even have that fucking, that, uh, archery, that bow that I don't have that bow that people have. My lips don't meet my lips met already. The one lip on the top already met itself from this one side to the other side. They're not at the same coffee shop. They're already in bed together i got that perfect circle model type mouth so sue me dude but that's what's up man and i i just i have red lips dude people walk people walk down the street they go like that's johnny red lips right there dude that's me and they're always wet because i stay talking dude i keep spitting. My fiance says, you don't actually have to say all that stuff. And I go, then why are my lips so red? We got to keep them red. My lips stay red and they will continue to stay red.

They look chapped as fuck with lipstick on them, but nah, never that dude, just regular skin. It is what it is and it will never be what it is not. Um, yeah, man. So go ahead, man. Talk about the lipstick I'm wearing. Bobby Lee brought it up. Why are your lips always wet? And one time my friend said, one time I asked my friend straight up, I said, what was the first thing you thought when you ever, when, when you met me? And that's a very egotistical question to ask people, but, uh, I should do it more often to be honest. But I said, what was the first thing that you thought when you met me? And before I got done with the word me, he said, your lips don't match your face. And I fucking laughed so hard because I agree with him. And that's fine. And that is fine.

It's good, dude. It's good to not have your lips match your fucking face. Especially when you got that no bow perfect circle type. You know what I mean? I stay disrespectful. Not only am I drinking disrespectful on this podcast. I'm doing it with box water, not because I'm trying to save the planet, because I want to show you how bitch it is to drink

out of box water. They thought, I'll tell you what, man, I'll save the planet if you help me out and don't make me look like a bitch when I'm drinking water. That's so bitch. And this is how respectful, this is how respectfully disrespectful I am. I got a coaster. Because wifey wants the coaster here. Boom.

Coaster's here. Drink goes there. Checkmate. I got a coaster. I don't even use it. Okay. We're off to a firing on all syllables start. Let me take it back a little bit.

Okay. Let me just relax because this isn't all fucking it's like the stock market a podcast has to be like the stock market if the podcast is just like if it's like a you know what i mean if you're doing a podcast and it takes the fuck off like a gi joe airplane where it just goes up and there's no runway get out of town, dude. You can't listen to that for a fucking hour and 10 minutes. So it goes up and down. It's like the stock exchange. You know what I mean? And so let's just, you know, let's take it back a little bit. I saw a guy with a shirt today that said go big or go home. And he was, he looked like he had a very unhealthy lifestyle so it was uh not okay for him to wear that shirt or because go big or go first of all go big or go home is fucking stupid

sometimes go medium honestly sometimes sometimes stay out a little bit and also go medium you can go big or go home but not all the time You can go big or go home, but not all the time. That whole go big or go home thing comes from the guy that's like, dude, you go big, you go home every second of every fucking day, but don't do that. Go medium and sometimes stay out. I got to make that shirt, go medium and sometimes stay out. But this guy had the shirt on just because he had the shirt on. Do you know what I'm talking about? And I do love guys like that.

It's fucking hysterical, man. When a guy just has a shirt on just because that's a guy that gave up. And it's fine to do that because you don't need to be focused on fashion. But my favorite type of guy that does that is like, dude, there is a race of people that will wear a hat just to wear a hat.

And those are Mexicans. And that is the most fucking hilarious thing to me that a Mexican guy will just wear like a San Jose Sharks ball cap and not have a fucking clue what hockey is it is so fucking true it is so true and I'm talking about any style of Mexican too they'll just pop on a bill be like what's that fucking I don't care I fucking it's sunny pop on and be like, what's that fucking, I don't care, it's sunny.

With the two fucking hockey sticks and the shark coming out of it. Oh, you're a Sharks fan? Okay. Oh man, Mexicans love wearing some baseball hats that they don't give a fuck about. And it's the truth, dude. Why would you listen to

NPR when I'm telling you the facts now let me tell you i should have started like this dude thank you so much for subscribing to the it really and i and i and you know what i went back on my mind i went back on my mind when i fucking this guy left a comment on my youtube and he was like you know what you shouldn't you definitely shouldn't say subscribe up front. You should let them listen to a little bit and then suggest subscribing because they already know then after a while if they like the video or not, and then they'll do it. And I wrote to the guy and I said, no, because I only like to do what I want to do and I don't want to do that. And I fucking

wanted to start out with this and I didn't because I forgot. And now I'm pissed off I don't want to do that and I and I fucking wanted to start out with this and I didn't because I forgot and now I'm pissed off I didn't because the guy's right I did what the fucking guy wanted and I didn't want to do what the guy wanted so turn around and fart on that fucking subscribe button dude hit that subscribe button and and fucking just turn around and fart so hard that a little bit of shit particles come out on that fucking like button as well. It helps. It helps, dude. It helps the algorithm.

You know what? Make friends in the fucking comments. People out there are talking shit in my comments. People out there are being nice in my comments. Somebody might be nice and then somebody might disagree with them. Somebody might start shitty. And then somebody else might say, you know what? That's actually just your opinion, man.

And the other guy's like, well, yeah, comedy's subjective. And then the other guy might be like, I mean, bro, I see these comments. Guys going back and forth. They don't even know each other. They're making fucking friends in the comments. Go make friends in these motherfucking comments right now. Make friends. Don't just comment willy-nilly.

Say, hey, anybody here from Tucson? Do you want to go to a fucking Cuban restaurant where they fucking slice off the meat at your table? Dude, I don't want any of that shit. When you go to those Cuban restaurants and they're like, you ever been to a Cuban? Is it Cuban where they do that? Where they show up with the chicken and the skewer and they slice it all for you and if you're from

the midwest you go no really here fuck that do it all in the kitchen and then saunter it on out so anyway yeah you just i i appreciate appreciate the fucking Patreon members. And I'll tell you what, I also appreciate you if you're not on my Patreon. I appreciate you if you just watch the YouTube. I appreciate you if you just listen audibly on the Apple Podcast or Spotify or whatever. You know? So go medium and sometimes stay out. I wish I said that to the guy, but it looked like maybe, you know, he had COVID or something.

So yeah, you, but really take a minute and just fucking kind of like do a fucking pootie on that like button. That would help a lot. fucking pootie on that like button that would help a lot um it's good coffee it's the regular coffee fuck yeah dude it's the regular coffee with no flavor dude my jaw still hurts and it's fine dude i'm just living with the pain i'm just gonna be living with the pain i got a bite plate from the dentist and it's not fucking working and that's how life goes and that's why fucking life will always rip because you sit and day to day sometimes you got that fucking if you're a guy with a tmj disorder you just fucking keep ripping life every single day you wake up with that pain you go god damn it but i opened my eyes though what's under my head a pillow i'm doing fine um so yeah you get a lot of extra content

if you do sign up for the patreon though so uh we we love it we love it um we did it, dude. We did it. We did it. TikTok nation, we did it, TikTok nation. I got my first TikTok compliment in real life. I got my first fucking TikTok compliment in real life, dude. Do you understand what that's like? That's like unplugging the back of your fucking neck in the matrix with all that pink goo all over you when you're in one of those pods i did it dude i fucking did it um guy comes up to me and he says hey man love your stuff on tiktok and i say what he was like 45 um my key map isn't even open dude yes one fire didn't open up

my computer and make it the way i wanted to oh yeah dude love when i have to open it and then say the fucking key files done isn't going to be on it for some reason when i want to hit it and have it go files Biles done. Encountered error. One sound file. One assigned key while key map. Whatever, dude. As long as we got the fucking one that matters. Didn't check the volume and I had to adjust it while the fucking first bar was coming up. Ah, yes, dude. we love it dude um what else we got here though where's the fucking we still got that okay good we got those that's great amazing so yeah he came up and he was like dude i really like your tiktok stuff and i said thanks because that's it that's

what i am now a fucking tiktoker dude you see my shit on there go viral people why is this motherfucker on my for you page thanks you just helped the algorithm this guy keeps showing up on my for you page I don't want that oh really well then why don't you block me because it was way easier to block me than it was to type out all those words fuck yeah you're sitting at home like dude i love it man i love it uh i'm a tiktoker i'm a fucking full-blown TikToker. God, man, these motherfuckers. Bro, I want to know, man.

There's like a channel on TikTok. Oh, it's so funny. What the fuck is everybody doing on TikTok? If you're not making fun of TikTok on TikTok, what are you doing on TikTok? When the people are just like lip syncing, looking at the camera. Oh, and when dudes are doing it? Oh, I get it. Oh, I get it if you're shaped like an S.

But dudes are doing it? Oh, I get it if you have an hourglass figure. But dudes are doing it? Bro. You're a V, not an hourglass. What you doing? What you doing? Dudes are out there just like pretending like they're fucking, what's that country guy?

Morgan Whalen or fucking bryce hall i don't know no that's no bryce hall was the guy who is on tiktok dude tiktok is compliment fuck it i don't need all the syllables he gave me a tiktok compliment and um it was nice and i'm on tiktok actually my buddy sent me this one tiktok dude of these did there's there's the my favorite ones are the ones where they are like there's like five dudes dancing and they each take turns doing one lyric of the song that's nothing yeah you're 18 and you're hanging out with the homies and y'all got the same haircut where it's like flat here, but then it swoops up.

What is that fucking haircut that every 18, 19 year old dude has where it swoops down and it goes real low, but right before it becomes bangs, it's like, nah, instead it goes up. Oh, you thought this, this is what the hair is saying. This is what the hair is doing. The hair is coming from, it's like the young Donald Trump with the fucking cotton candy shit that he does to hide the bald spot. But it comes because it comes from way back here and it's a wave.

It's a wave like from that fucking movie, from that movie that came out at the same time that like Armageddon came out that I can't remember the name because it wasn't as good and wasn't as popular uh but it fucking was like that wave that came that tsunami of hair and it comes out and it's going like this yo we about to be bangs and then it as it cat as it hits that that lower crescendo it swoops the fuck up and it goes, nah, no bangs. That hair fucking sucks. And I said I wanted fucking a dangly earring way before this shit came back in fashion for fucking 19-year-old dudes. And now I'm pissed.

Because people are going to think I'm copying. Because these motherfuckers got dangly crosses. I got to get some real shit now. I got to get like fucking a lug nut or something. Fuck, I'm pissed, dude. I need to get like a fucking link with a fucking Lay's potato chip on that. I'm pissed, dude. these boys got me before i know that i know one of them listened to my podcast and they were like yeah guess what what delia said he gonna get a dangly earring oh really

yeah let's all get it instead and let's all live in the same house. There's a thing. There's like TikTok houses where they're in the house and they just do TikToks. And sometimes they'll show like the side footage of it. And it's like, it's insecure because they like take turns where they're singing the song. And then they move off frame and another guy comes in and does it. And then the goofy guy comes in. It's like the new version of a boy band. Only you're not even doing the work. Like somebody said to me, he's like, comes in it's like the new version of a boy band only you're not even doing the work like somebody said to me is like well that's like the new boy band yeah but

they were at least doing something you understand like if you if you can't even compare yourself to fucking not even Justin Timberlake but JC Chazet or Joey Fat One it's like come on man his last name is spelled Fat One you tried to trick me with Fatone the fuck out of here and he was the Fat One that's like one of the kids being named fucking out of here. And he was the fat one! That's like one of the kids being named fucking... Jim happens to be racist. Are you racist? No, what makes you say that?

No, what makes you say that? Ting. I ain't going to the south side of any city. Um... Discover more value than ever at Loblaws. Like Fresh Promise. Produce is carefully selected and checked for freshness.

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See in-store for details. So yeah, these TikTokers, dude, they got a house. It's fucking hysterical, dude. They'll be like, dude, they got a house. It's fucking hysterical, dude. They'll be like, look, Jim messed up the lyric at the end. Or fucking Billy's face. WTF? Teaching Nick how to dance.

Do some. And here's the other thing what about when you're 45 that's what you're not thinking of tiktoker it's fine to be on tiktok your boy's on tiktok your boy's crazy on tiktok your boy goes stupid viral on tiktok your boy's crazy on tiktok your boy goes stupid viral on tiktok your boy starts fucking friendships in the comments i mean your boy's fucking stupid loco on tiktok right i'm loked out and like you can beat will smith on tiktok and he's loked out too on tiktok but bro when you're just doing the fucking kevin go and kevin Kevin, go!

And Kevin. Jamie, go! Kent, come on. Poking his eye. Kent poked his eye out at the end. What are you doing? When you're 45 and you have like a kid and the new shit is the new shit it's not tiktok anymore that shit's not cool anymore and your kids like that why did you do that with all those other guys that look the same as you and live in the same house and have those fucking dangly earrings that

chris talia wanted and they ruined that for him kevin your turn. Thanks, other, I love it. And it's like to girl songs. Come on in, Kent. Wet ass pussy. Wet ass pussy. Come on, Kent. Wet ass pussy.

come on kent i kissed a girl and i like it kent some guy named kent ah for fuck's sake what happens when you're 45 dude that's out there bro all i'm saying is don't fucking... You're not that guy, okay? You're not that guy. You're not that guy. Bro, that thing that went viral this week? You're not that guy, pal.

Trust me, you're not that guy. Just total uncle energy. You're not that guy. You're not that guy. That's that guy that's fucking amazing how's that how's that dude one time my uncle said to my cousin my cousin was like complaining about like yeah i don't know i don't really want to go to college this was high school and my uncle had this energy and he just says don't go don't go. Don't go then. Don't go.

It's like that uncle energy is like already right there. Don't go. And you could tell like they talked about it already. So you could tell like something already has been happening in this. They're in a supermarket. How's that? How's that? How's that?

Fuck you where you breathe. Why are you coming after me, man? Why are you coming after me? market. How's that? How's that? Yep. How's that? Fuck you where you breathe. With his hands in his pockets. Fuck you where you breathe. How's that? Fuck you where you breathe. How's that? With his hands in his pockets.

Looking for change. fuck you where you breathe rolling lint around couldn't be more casual telling a guy he's gonna fuck his mouth how's that unreal guy fucking unreal

guy wearing the last remaining Union Bay shirt. Don't tell me what the fuck to do. How's that, pal? Don't tell me what to do. How's that, pal? Still hands in the pocket. Bro, let me tell you right now. You come at me with that energy and you have your hands in your pocket. Bro, let me tell you right now, you come at me with that energy and you have your

hands in your pocket. I'm going to knock you in the face because it's going to be so easy. How about that? Somehow, somehow though, I can tell that even though this guy is at this level and we have no context, somehow I can tell that this guy's in the right. I don't know why I can tell, but I can tell that this guy's in the right. I didn't tell you what you did. You said don't talk to people who you don't know. I'll talk to whoever the fuck I want to know.

How's that, pal? Another how's that? Dude, when a guy's angry and calls people terms of endearment like pal, forget it. Hey, pal. What's going on, pal? I'll fuck you where you breathe. How about that, pal? How's that?

Just rolling some lint around in my pocket. Just looking for some quarters. How's that, pal? I'll fuck you where you breathe. How's that? Oh, look. Found two pieces of lint. Look at that.

Oh, look. found two pieces of lint. Look at that. Oh, look. Got a straw wrapper. I realized I couldn't find a trash can, so I put it in my pocket. How's that, pal? Found that in my left pocket and two quarters and a dime in my right pocket. How's that, pal?

I'll fuck you where you breathe, huh? That's right. So use your fucking head if you know how. Understood. Okay, you little pimply little shit the illest slam i ever heard in my life how's that you pimply little pimple face shit i've never heard a slam like that the guy came guns blazing dude uh if you guys could not... Amazing!

Amazing! The checkout link. Could you guys just not... Maybe... What I'm doing is like the wind blowing. It's not affecting anything. But I just...

I have to do this because the wind has to blow so that sounds good to me there's something to leave I'm checking out sir check out ring out if you guys if you could take you're not that guy pal trust me this guy is like has the Wally Backman energy where he fucking I gotta go back a little bit because that's when he starts to say you're not that guy. That is just so gangster, dude. You're not that guy, pal. Trust me. You're not that guy. Are you? Absolutely.

Yep, he is that guy. Are you going to get arrested for this? Arrested for doing what? Just like a pimple on the left. Somebody says something and you don't like it. Hey! What does it mean? Am I the dumb one here? What does it mean? Just like a pimple on the left, man.

Somebody says something and somebody doesn't like it. Legit had a fucking aneurysm right there. Right there had a stroke. When she was like, and that there, remember the fucking newscaster and that there,

and there, there, he's doing the, he's the male version of the, such as, and such as, well, it's a fucking pageant that Mario Lopez tried to keep it together with his fucking beautiful face just by smiling?

So how would you solve world peace? Well, such as, such as, if you such as, such as. Just as fucking shit is leaking from her anus, just malfunctioning. I'm sorry, I'm not that guy. And you don't like it right is that what it is you little pimp I'll leave the store

fuck you where you bleed fuck you where you bleed where do you bleed oh where you breathe oh breathe now have a good day sir oh Oh, breathe now. Have a good day, sir.

Oh, he's a Trump. It's not cool to take the Lord's name in vain, but okay. Work for Biden and suck right here pal two things now i showed you no shut up i don't want to go the thing is i didn't want another video to play and you made it happen and i didn't want that to happen you're not that guy it's always a fucking video from like sky news what the fuck is Sky News? Oh, dude. If a guy came at me with that energy,

I can't even tell you how much I would raise that energy. Like, you're not that guy. I would say, oh yeah, I am. And I'd get real close to him too. Oh, you're not that guy. You must be mistaking me for not that guy. I mean, I get he was talking to fucking, you know, these people who maybe don't deal with people that much,

but bro, you talk, you come up to me in a frozen food section and tell me I'm not that guy. You better believe I'm that motherfucker, dude. I'm a hundred percent that guy. And when believe I'm that motherfucker, dude. I'm 100% that guy. And when the guy says, let's fight, I say, dude, we're not fighting. We're fucking dancing. Hit it. And then somebody plays Aini Kamosi.

Na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na. Pick on the un... Here comes the unstepper. Pick up the movie on the area. Pick up the un... Here comes the unsteady pot. Ho-da-rap. Pick up the movie on the area.

Ho-da-rap. Still living like that. Hey, you are not that guy. Fuck you where you breathe. Work for Biden. Suck my nuts. Cha-cha-chang-chang. Here comes the unsteady... Here comes the mad Trumpa.

Pico De Movie on the area. I'll fuck you where you breathe. Where you up? Still living like that. Yeah. The only Union Bay shirt left in existence. Absolute pure uncle energy.

Hands in the pockets rolling in. Touch them up. Touch them quarters and spend them. Still living like that. Here comes the mad trumpet. Here comes the mad

He left with no groceries, you know? That's the best part. You know, in the car he was like, Fuck, man, I didn't even get my groceries. Not that guy. Not that guy. I didn't get the fucking goddamn milk. My bitch wife's gonna be so mad I didn't get the milk.

I'm gonna have to tell her I argued with a teenager. Well, she better know he wasn't that guy. Did you get the milk? No, I ran into that. I ran into not that guy. You know what happens.

I gotta only run into that guy's. If I'm out, there has to be those guys around. there are not that guys around you know what i do i know you get casual and you start rolling in and the quarters at the time yes i understand and you'd leave with no groceries but we need milk for the baby go work for biden and suck my nuts um um bro i went to fuck i still want to talk about the fucking why are why is how come there is like a threshold of followers that if you get

from nothing from from nothing like followers beget followers. Like I'm not talking about all of a sudden David Spade is on TikTok and has two million followers. I'm not talking about the David Spades. I'm talking about the people who just joined become viral. There's a cap of followers you get where when you reach it, you got to start hitting a fucking body bag. You got to be a, you you gotta start training to be a boxer

what the fuck is that about logan paul jake paul did it but what's it about that all these guys named bryce on tiktok now have to do it if there's a guy on bryce if there's a guy on tiktok named bryce with more than two million followers that dude is training as a boxer. Why? The one got punched the fuck out. Was it Bryce Hall? Talking shit. He was like, I've been in 40 street fights.

Who counts? They're street fights. You stop after three, you know. You're like, I think it was 40 street fights, bro. I'm a fighter. And then got knocked. Dude dude he got knocked so hard his hairline you his hairline went back he can't even do the fucking swoop thing anymore the oops we ain't bangs no more

he got knocked the fuck out and he is a good sport about it afterwards he talked to shit it's the thing. You got to get in the boxer's head. I get it, dude. That's why you're not that guy guy was so fucking. He was in the other guys. You're not that guy. The other guy didn't want to be that guy.

Me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm not that guy. Really? Then why do I have a song about being that guy? Hit it. And then fucking dancers come out, dude.

Um. But man. song about being that guy hit it and then fucking dancers come out dude um but man they fucking these motherfuckers make money but why is boxing the thing you guys have to stop boxing Aaron Carter stop boxing Lamar Odom you're too lanky. What are you doing jumping around? You don't even look good in a suit. You're too lanky. Don't just wear some boxing trunks and fight Aaron Carter, dude. I mean, you're going to fucking touch him up and go, oh, that's not good, dude. I mean, you're going to fucking touch him up and go, Oh, that's not good, dude. Nobody knows how to box. And we're all out here boxing. That's like, if all of a sudden I trained for fucking two months to be a fucking opera singer and then was like, come on out everyone. Like, come on out, everyone.

That's better than these motherfucking YouTubers out here throwing punches, man. Stop throwing punches. Just do those dances. Come on, Kent. Your turn. Kent comes in. I'm the silly one. I'm not as good looking as the other guy, so I got to stick my tongue out more.

Just fucking bruises on the neck from the cross. The dangly cross. Fucking hitting it over and over again. The cross is just like, God, fucking God. I wish this motherfucker would stop banging me into his stupid white neck I'm getting a fucking dangly Frito chip

two nah one on the gay side touch them up and go uh oh ching ching ching On the gay side. Touch them up and go. Uh oh. Ching ching ching. So yeah dude. Stop fighting dude. This is a real sport.

You're going to get your fucking. You're going to get damaged dude. It's not cool. It's not cool. I know you're making money. And that's the other thing too. These motherfuckers are giving people money to do the shit. At least Logan looked good, man.

That guy's really been training. Jake, he looked good. Take it serious. You've been in 40 fights. Who gives a shit? On the street? The fuck's it matter? It doesn't matter.

Boxing is a sport. It is. That's like being like, of course I can play cricket. I've been in 40 street fights. I challenge you to a game of badminton. I've been in 40 street fights. Yes. Yes, I want to enter the Tetris competition. I've been in 40 street fights. competition. I've been in 40 street fights. You're going to get touched up and go, uh-oh. It's dangerous, dude. The parents are just like, oh my fuck.

You know? Yeah, man. So. I got this fucking shirt from uh yeah advisory board crystals they sent me a few items bro they're the shit this fucking company you gotta go to advisoryboardcrystals.com

and check their stuff out uh it's just ill as fuck and I'm wearing it now and uh they've been fans for a long time. So I just wanted to show my appreciation to them. Um, yeah, I had, I fucking went to, uh, oh, mask off, mask off, dude. That's like that song from future mask off. But now for the COVID masks off in LA, that's it.

You don't have to wear a fucking mask so everyone was wearing their fucking masks i took off my fucking richard nixon mask i didn't wear it no not once more dude i walked in this i know i had the mask on i walked into starbucks didn't know it was the day where all of a sudden we could stop wearing masks i i swear to god dude i'm not bullshitting you this is like a story my friend would tell me and I'd be like, oh, fuck, go fuck yourself. Dude, I walked into Starbucks. Nobody's got their mask on. And I'm like, oh, you don't have to wear masks? And the lady in Starbucks was like, no, you don't have to wear masks anymore.

We do because we work here and it's a corporation and we don't want to get sued. But you can. And I go like this, wow. And I took my mask off. And as I'm taking my mask off, my eyes are moving because my whole head's moving. And as it moves, it locks on two people in Starbucks making out. And not just making out, mugging down. Like really doing the real, like kissing when you you really like someone

when you're like i don't just like the kiss i like the way they smell they were mugging the fuck down in starbucks and i was just like oh this is how it now? This is how fucking ecstatic everyone is? You know they were Trumpers. Just like, fuck yeah. Ha ha. Fuck them. Fuck them.

And stop saying, you know people somebody said something about political you don't know i don't fucking think about politics dude i don't give a fuck i don't care i know i look i've identified with being liberal most my life i I know Biden can't complete a sentence. So don't come at me and be like, yeah, but you're a guy. He's not my guy. You're not that guy. You're not that guy.

These people were all good people at one point and then got put into the system. And now i believe with the conspiracy theorists that they're all holograms i was a boy um yeah dude just whatever man i talked you know what i talk about a lot of shit on this podcast i talk about jokes and sometimes i talk about real shit and sometimes i do a blend of both you know what i mean i mix it it's the best of both worlds sometimes you know it's like pasta and it's like you know what it's like dude fucking strawberry ice cream and pretzels you ever have that shit you you ever

have that shit right now you're probably like yuck try it motherfucker try strawberry ice cream which i don't even like and pretzels which ain't popcorn pretzels ain't popcorn in my book dude you go to the movies what you get they got pretzels there too you get. Put pretzels in strawberry ice cream. So I guess technically that's the best of both worlds. That's like medium worlds coming together and making a better world. But what I'm saying is I did this whole thing and I got this bit and I've talked about it on the podcast for a lot, for a few episodes. and I got this bit and I've talked about it on the podcast for a lot for a few episodes when somebody says when you shake hands with somebody and you don't really remember because I meet a

lot of motherfuckers you know and when you talk to me meet them and they're like and you're like oh hey how's it going oh hey Chris and then they're like you don't you don't remember me huh and then I go and I say nah that's not my fault that's your fault be more memorable and it's hardcore you know because your boy's been around the block and met some people you know and it is a joke but it's also something i've been thinking about for a few weeks and it's like you do have to be memorable and there's some boring people out there and i feel like there's two ways of being memorable right there's the kind of memorable where you're in a fucking denim jacket sitting in a podcast room, screaming about cargo pants with no shirt on under the

jacket and sunglasses on at night doing karate chops to water bottles. That guy you remember. And then there's everything in between. And then there's the person that i want to be you know what i'm talking about like i remember this kid cory in my uh elementary school that was nice to me when nobody else was i was a fucking loser kid uh up until i got cool because Because I got cool dude. But I was a loser kid. And I remember. Corey made me feel good. And I never forgot Corey.

Because that motherfucker was memorable. And he was memorable because he was a good guy. Now I don't know. That guy could be a fucking serial killer at this point. I have no idea what he was. But to me. That dude, I remember. I want to be that guy as an adult. I was referencing me, obviously.

That was one of the fucking podcasts I did. Shirt off with a Chicago denim jacket and Gucci sunglasses on at night, karate chopping water bottles, nowhere close to a dojo. And there's a lot of people in between. And there's a lot of people in between because it's safe and it's easy to just chill. But you've got to fucking make people remember you do you know why because you're gonna die that's why you're gonna die and the only people that are gonna remember you are the people

that you become this guy to. And I've been thinking about that a lot. Because there's substance here and there's just wackiness here. You know? Like there was a guy named Chicken in the comedy world in like the 90s at the Just for Last festival, and he was like the talk of the festival, he would come out on stage and act like a chicken, and everyone thought he was fucking hilarious, and he got this fucking biggest deal out of JFL,

and he was acting like a chicken, and everyone remembers him, that guy fucking committed suicide, And everyone remembers him. That guy fucking committed suicide. It's really sad. Getting your mind right is important. You know, staying healthy. Making sure people fucking... It doesn't matter if people like you, but you have to try to make yourself better for yourself.

So anyway, I'm tony robbins uh yeah that was fucking uh you know what i'm trying to say is go big or go home remember the fuck did you guys see this this has 26 million views so yes you've seen it but let's talk about this for a second this is the real life liam neeson i love this video it's dash cam footage of a cash van crew under attack from robbers okay this is like the shit where you're like does this really though does it really happen like this is the the real life Liam Neeson here.

I think this is South Africa. The real life Liam Neeson. And there's two dudes. There's a white older dude, which is if this was the movie, it would be the real life Liam Neeson. And then there's the younger black dude. liam neeson and then there's the younger black dude and and it was literally the first the guys like first drive or first week in working and and this would the guy who is playing this younger black male would be like the and introducing an actor you You know what I mean? It'd be like Liam Neeson

and also there's this guy that we're introducing just so you know we're woke. And it would be like some fucking movie. But the way they deal with it is awesome. They're driving. They're just driving. They're driving that money van, dude.

And I think a minute in. Let me go to a minute in. It's a normal day, dude. It's a normal day dude. Looking at his side mirror. I don't know if he notices something's up yet. Side mirror. Car passes. A minute five in the video.

There it is. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Guy goes, swerves, swerves, fuck, fill that to the rookie. Rookie says nothing.

I know for a fact, I know for a fact, if I was in the, you know, people are like, well, you don't know how you'd react. If I wasn't driving, if I was in the passenger seat and that happened to me for a fact, I'm not trying to be funny. This is what I would be saying. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay to be funny this is what i would be saying okay okay okay okay okay that's what i would be saying now that's pretty bitch but i would be saying it calmly like okay okay okay okay i'd be like joe pesci and lethal weapon for okay okay okay okay okay okay that would be me all right you got your gun he says and the rookie picks up the small gun he goes this one it gives him the fucking

the one that like you can't even hold in a in a car he's like this and it's fucking sticking up he can't stick it under his arm because then he'll literally be you can't open the windows because they're designed like that, because they're bulletproof and you're not supposed to open the window. So they can't even open the window and fire out of it. They have to open the door and fire out of it,

which is something that I know because I'm smart. And you didn't know that because you're fucking stupid. Sorry. Sometimes I hate telling you the truth. Swerving again. Because he almost hit a fucking car that stopped.

Boom. Hits a car. You know why he hits a car? Because it's crazy right now. That's why. That's all I can say. Because it's fucking... Swerving all over the place. Shot out the tire. I found out later. The tire was shot out. Liam Neeson kept driving.

An introducing young actor still holding the gun up like this. It's pointed to his thigh, you know, because the guy can't stick it out the window. And he's calm as shit, dude. They're both killing it. I would have said, okay, 47 times so far. No, fuck that.

I would have called everybody up. My mom, my fiance, FaceTime. Hey guys, sorry, we're getting shot at. I just want to pass the phone to mom the phone to mom dad pass the phone to mom dad dad it's face time so you don't have all i see is your ear pass it pass it to mom dad just look at the camera god damn it you're on fate then my mom like this can you hold it up a little bit so you don't look like Jabba the Hutt, please? It's back. I just see what you're...

Mom, I could just see Rachel Maddow on the TV. Hit it so it fucking flips back your way. Now they're in a park, dude. They pull off. Bro, the end of this? I'm just going to skip forward to the end of it. They want... They're trying to call their fucking people to get backup.

They can't do it because the crooks, the robbers, they have fucking cell phone scramblers. This is real shit. They're getting scrambled. I can't do it. I can't do it. Guns still.

Can't do it, but just so you know, if my thigh acts up, I can take him out. I can take my thigh out right now. If you think my thigh is one of the bad guys, I just click it and we got it. The guy's just... Like he's looking for someone at a party.

They stop at a park. Boom. T Tires gone. Crash into the robbers. Can't reverse. I read about this, so that's why I know, even though it's just showing the dash camera. Robber ran away. Ran away. Guy gets out of the car, runs after him with his fucking AK-47. Lost him. How different is that guy than you? That is insane, dude. Those motherfuckers kept calm.

And carried on in a real fucking as shit situation, bro. And to think I couldn't mail my fiance's fucking goddamn thing she wanted me to mail for fucking six days. She was like, can you mail that? And I'm like, sure. Went out, forgot, came back.

Hey, I told you to mail the things. Can you? Oh, sure. Took them. Do they have fucking mailboxes anymore? I'm asking you this. Let's go back like this is Pulp Fiction. Let's start in the middle.

So she asked me to take the mail, but let's, I'm sorry, that's the beginning. But let's go back to the beginning. Let's start from the middle. Are there mailboxes anymore? I went to three different fucking mailboxes all around West Hollywood. All of them boarded up. No, soldered in. I got out looking like a fucking asshole.

I'm like, the fuck? People driving by. You still think there's mail? I don't know. You're supposed to just electronic. You're supposed to just forward it. I don't know. I stopped at another one.

Soldered shut. I stopped at another one. Soldered shut. And I'm like, I just got to go to a fucking mail place now? Dude, I'm not bullshitting you. I don't know if that's true or not. It sounds very untrue. It sounds like the government needs to have mailboxes around,

but they're not in WeHo, man. Where have all the mailboxes gone? So I'm like, I got to mail these letters, dude. I go out for coffee every day. I probably drove seven or eight times. I'm like, I got these letters, dude. I go out for coffee every day. I probably drove seven or eight times. I'm like, I got these letters, dude. I hope she doesn't see them.

Or I got to come clean and be like, I haven't done it yet. But I got a package. I got a package at my P.O. box. And I was like, there it is. I'm sorry, little kids. So that's the end of the episode on YouTube. If you want to watch the rest of the show, sign up for our Patreon and support the show. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Not only will you get to see the rest of this episode, you'll get all the backlogs of the Patreon episodes and other content that's hidden and

just things like that, all sorts of stuff. And there's a Discord that we all chat on. It's really fun. Check that out.com thanks a lot guys Congratulations! Congratulations motherfucking Bob you've given me a fucking spot I'm gonna motherfucking plow the motherfucking Listener, you remind me of where I used to live, had this What the fuck is that song?