Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 196. It Was Wonderful

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  In this week's episode Chris discusses the Karen trailer, taking Calvin to the big pool, and his love of bad TV. He also has a conversation with Matthew McConaughey entirely in his own head. 🎉 Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  🔔 Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0  🎽 Merch: https://store.chrisdelia.com  🎧 Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/2Knvv7v  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. So for our 40th anniversary, we're having our biggest celebration yet. And whether you've been an Aeroplan member for one year or 40, we're making you the guest of honor. So join the celebration with special Aeroplaniversary offers and 40 chances to win a million points at aeroplan.com slash 40. Rules and conditions apply. Hey guys, welcome to my podcast. Congratulations. You know, guys, hi, first of all. And second of all, I want to thank you for all the Patreon members that are on my patreon really really appreciate you guys patreon.com slash chris d'elea uh and uh you know it's awesome to have you guys with us on the discord chatting uh whether you're on the tier for six dollars or you're on the greater tier um i appreciate you showing support for the show uh If you're not on Patreon, we still freaking absolutely love you, dude.

If you're listening from YouTube, if you're listening from, you know, whatever it is, Spotify or Apple, what is it? Fucking podcasts, then we appreciate you there, too. We've got a favor to ask. Just take a minute to just absolutely fucking obliterate that like button. To just cock it up with that AK-47 and just blam, blam, blam on that subscription button. blam, blam on that fucking, on that, uh, subscription button and then take a fucking cannon into the mortar and then light it up and then kneel down and hold your ears right over that fucking bell notification while the, while the mortar fucking, uh, but yeah, dude, just storm the fucking like button because here's the thing, man. It helps us. It

helps the video get traction. If you comment, make sure to make friends in those comments and, and, and, and talk to each other, you know, let's get that fucking algorithm going. It really helps, man. If you're a baby, this is what you, uh, this is your call to arms, If you're a baby, this is what you, uh, this is your call to arms. You know? How's this cult grow if this cult doesn't grow? Um, how's this cult grow if this cult can't grow? Um, so yeah, dude.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And, um, just so you know that it really helps. I'm in the fucking life rips gear. Check this out. I also got the shorts on because life stays ripping and you know that, uh, everyone got their fucking shit and, uh, they're wearing it and posted about it. And we just see how life keeps ripping for everybody. But I will tell you this, uh, we, it, it was a limited edition and it did so well. People are

just fucking clamoring for it back that we absolutely restocked it so go out and get that fucking get this shit right here show everybody that life rips uh go live at crystalia.com and don't know why i said live but you just go to crystalia.com and get that and you can also we have more we have new merch the fucking shit that i've been waiting for be more memorable these motherfuckers are memorable for the wrong reasons be more memorable you know what some of a lot of these motherfuckers are not memorable at all but be more memorable and sport these fucking dope hoodies and uh what do we got hoodies and i don't know what we got for sale but we're putting it up all up on here and And it's just a beautiful design.

Just rocking that shit across your chest, telling these motherfuckers to be more memorable. And God forbid, if you're wearing one of those hoodies and somebody comes up and says, Hey, what's going on? Hey, what's, what's, what's up? Hey. Oh yeah. Oh, Hey, how you doing? Fucking Kathy.

Oh yeah. What? Oh, you don't remember me, huh? And Kathy's got on that hoodie that says be more memorable. You just point to that shit and say, it ain't my fault. I don't know who you are, but that's the positive shit to spread this year. Be more memorable, dude. You know, we all start as little ones and we grow up and we just get used to the hustle and bustle of life, but you got to remember why you're in it, dude. You got to remember why you're in it. And if you don't remember why you're in it, then why the fuck is anyone else going to

remember you? You understand? So this shit means something to me. Got the good coffee. I made it myself this time. I was like, hey, babe, do you think you can, and she was already sat down, and I was like, ah, which one is it? She's like, the Pike's Place, and I was like, all right, cool, and we did it, dude. Working as a team, me getting the coffee and her just sitting there. At that moment, that was what it was,

but working as a team for the most part. She was sitting there, and I was getting the coffee, but for the most part, now we're just chilling. We're doing the podcast the most part now we're just chilling we're doing the podcast we're just chilling dude and that's the way it should be absolutely chillville just absolutely chillville population to population three because i haven't get rid of his in here but i'll tell you who's not here one fire now how did he get the name one fire because one fire the reason why he's not here is because he is at a very important i don't even know what the fucking joke to make honestly he's just not here he's in vegas dude he's in fucking vegas with his girl just taking off i didn't even know till yesterday

he was like oh you know you know what, we have a reservation at fucking whatever the hell it is, and I was like, where's that, and he said, Vegas, I said, you're in Vegas, and he said, fucking, he's staying in the Bellagio with Rosales Fire, his, dude, it's so fucking annoying, dude, I didn't know it was, the guy's, and I said, you're in Vegas, he said, yeah, he said, sorry, I'll be at dinner, I can't be there to record, and I said, you're in Vegas? He said, yeah. He said, sorry, I'll be at dinner. I can't be there to record. And I said, worst employee ever. And he sent me three shrimp emojis. These are the motherfuckers I'm dealing with, dude.

So, Chillville population three, dude. We don't need them. Little mystery on who he is still even. Yeah, dude, we're chilling. We're having a good time. We're flying by the seat of our pants we're firing on all syllables and um dude what happened let's see what happened this week well i'll tell you what happened this week and it was beautiful man well first of all calvin walks by the back of calvin's my son if you're not a long time well if you're not a long time listener if you're not a person that heard me talk about my son already if you know if you're not if you have

heard me like people I'll say fire in all syllables and people would be like fire in all syllables are you sure bro and I'm like oh hi you're new here um but yeah but Calvin walked by uh he does this thing now where he walks by the pool and he says, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool. And it's so cute. And then he runs up to the window and puts his hands up on the window. And he's like, pool, pool, pool, pool. The fact that I know what that is, does that give me access to it?

And I'm just like, you know what? I don't know if we can pull pull pull and so i brought him in once and then we came back he took a nap then he woke up and he just goes he opened his eyes he'd go bing and he says pull pull and i'm like all right all right go in again fuck it we have a good day it was like a saturday so i take him in the pool for a while bring him back. And then he walks by the thing again. Pool, pool, pool. And I'm like, not this time, man. Nobody goes in the pool three times in one fucking day. You know?

Unless you're a swim instructor. Like, that's insane. And then I'm like, not three times. And he's like, pool, pool, pool, pool, pool. And I'm like, no, no. And he just slid down the glass like he was watching his fucking mom and dad being taken away in Auschwitz. Just starts crying. And I'm like, I had no good reason to, except for standing by my no. I had no good reason to not bring him in. I'm like, all right, dude, you better grow up to be a fucking swim instructor that makes just bank.

So I don't think anybody really wishes for their kid to grow up to become a swim instructor. No offense to swim instructors, but if you do, I hope you create some sort of new way to swim and make fucking biddly bidank off that. Um, this way you fucking get no diddlies. Um, yeah, dude. Uh, and so I'm like, all right, I'll bring him in for the third time pull pull pull pull as i'm bringing i'm like i get it dude chill and we bring him in for the third time the next day i had to go to the fucking beach now i don't know if you know much about me but your boy doesn't like sand anywhere. The sand should be at the beach. It's how I feel.

I'm not shying away from it, okay? They say speak your truth. Try not to lie. When it comes to the beach, I want to be indoors. Okay? My shithead friend invited me and also sent a separate text to wifey. So I couldn't exactly nip it in the bud, if you know what I mean.

Your boy is gonna have to get sand in his toes because his bud went hind his back. Okay? Now, he's talked about... You're probably like, well, chris why didn't you just i have told him in the past not to text wifey behind my back all right but he was like fuck it you're new man now. It's telling me it's part of my shit. I got to learn to be a real person.

And he's like, and you can't get mad at me anymore. The dude double-crossed me. Knows I have anger issues. Went hind my back. Texted. went behind my back texted you know so so now i'm sitting there and i'm like and and i i hear my shit go ding and i see the text and then i hear from the other room and i go no and then I hear, Ooh, and I'm like, stab me in the front. That's a stab you in the front move. That's not, Oh, what do you do? Oh no. That's a, Hey Chris, come here. Have a conversation. What's up guys. Hey, what's going on? But before you realize it's going down South, it's oopsie Daisy in your plexus.

going on but before you realize it's going down south it's oopsie daisy in your plexus so i've got a fucking handle sticking out of my plexus because i hear fucking ding from the other room and then oh that's as a man in a relationship the lat the only thing worse than hearing from the other room ding oh is ding oh no but guess who went oh no after that your boy so it goes ding ding oh oh no so now i gotta go to the fucking beach she says oh you want to go to the beach and i and i say i don't want to but i'm learning to you know do the things for the family and yes i will go to the beach uh and i'm going to try and have as much fun as possible. And so we get, we showed up and it was like, there's just people in like vans with like wet suits on halfway and just dirty as shit. And they look like they would have 30,000 followers on Instagram.

And that's the dude, you know? And just blonde guys just yucking it up. That's the thing about the beach is that there's no shortage of blonde dudes. Where the fuck are they out? They just stay at the beach. It must be because I see dudes out. The ratio is way different when you're at the beach. That guy's at the beach all the time. That's a beach ass living. And there were like vans and shit. And of course the crazy people. And of course my girl's doing the girl thing. Like, would it be, these are, you know,

it'd be, it's such a slow pace. And I'm just like, don't get any fucking thoughts. You were there for me and you'll always be there for me. And I love you to death, but don't, we're not, we're not moving. We're not moving to the beach. I love you. I love you to death, but we're not moving to the beach. I love you. I love you like my arms, but we're not moving to the beach.

Okay? And we got another friend with us, and Calvin's there just like, I've never been this far west. And our other friend is like, I love the beach beach and so we're getting there and your boy's getting sand in between his toes when you park so far away you never park near where you're gonna be my buddy's like hey we're at the beach where i said something like santa monica i'm like narrow it down he's like tower 27 drop a pit so we get there and it's always like you think it's easy but looking for somebody at the beach is like looking for a nickel at the beach it's so hard dude you're

like they're just people none of them look like my friend there's nine people out here and i've looked at all nine but i try to feel the ground and we're walking and it's way harder to walk on sand than it is on a fucking regular ground so why would anybody go to the beach and calvin has already seen sand that's the thing he's looking down at sand like i remember you from the sandbox because we have a sandbox and um and we get to the spot we finally see him because my buddy's throwing a football like he's in the on the 49ers and shit and he's just him everyone has that buddy that thinks he's on the 49ers but really he's just him and um and so we get there, and we plop down, and Calvin, before he's just looking at the sand, he looks up, and he sees this big, vast body of water, and he looks at the water, and he's got

that really focused face that I get sometimes when I'm focusing on something, and he's looking at it, and he looks at me, and he looks back at the water and he looks back at me and it looks like he's thinking I never is this the end of the world what happens if you go out there I've never seen anything like that usually wherever I step it's just more places to step. But this looks like. And then he says it to me. He looks at me one time. Points out to the water and says, poop.

And I just fucking melted. And I said, yeah, it is the pool. It's the big pool. And we sat down and we played in the sand. He cried a little bit because there were about 20 people there of our friends. And then he got used to it. We got him an ice cream. He ate the Batman ice cream and the fucking mouth was so blue.

He kept on trying to give it to me, dropped it in the sand. And then mom tried to take the sand off and he was crying because he was like, but I want that now in my hand so I can put it in my mouth. And there's another step involved, me taking that from you. So let's shorten that step. And we gave it back to him and he ate it. He ate like shit that day. But I will tell you this, dude. I had a, you know, one time when I was 21, I was with my roommate's parents. And my roommate's mom said, boy, isn't that wonderful? And I said, wonderful, huh? And she said, yeah. And I said, nobody really says that, huh?

And she said, what do you mean? And I said, like, how come you just don't say good or even great, you know, but wonderful? And she laughed. And ever since then, anytime I think about using the word wonderful, I stopped myself because I said that and I didn't want to be, I didn't want to go back on my word or I didn't want to, this is the way my head works. I mean, I'm 41 now and this was 21 years ago. And I think I've probably said the word wonderful only in either jest or explaining how somebody else said the word wonderful in the last 20 years. And I'm not bullshitting. So I'm going to tell you right now that that day on that beach with my family was wonderful.

It really was. And it was just cool, man. I even threw the football a little bit. Hey, boy's got an arm, man. I mean, I do. I have an arm. I toss him out like Steve Young. And I, you know, I don't do it just like him, but is a little bit reminiscent of him. And when I,

when I toss it out, you know, I'm not going to lie, it hurts. And every time I do it, which I did it about four or five times, I tossed it out. I thought maybe I hurt my rotator cuff. And I, well, in fact, I did hurt my rotator cuff, but I thought that I was going to be doing actual damage to my rotator cuff. And I said, you know what? I had that conversation. Every 41 year old man has when he hurts himself a little bit, when he hurts himself a little bit, I guess I'll find out tomorrow if it's serious or not when I wake up. You know what I mean? Well, if it hurts tomorrow, when I wake up, I guess I'll just be fucked in that area for the rest of my life. Because that's it.

Once you're 40 or 36, 37, or I guess if you're an athlete, or no, if you're an athlete, it's before that. But like if you're somebody who's got a good body, a well-working body, maybe you can make it to like 43. But you wake up and your shit's in pain, that area of your body's done. It's just done, dude. It was like how fucking, it's like, it's like, it's like Jon Favreau after Iron Man 2. He's just like, I did, I did it already. I'm not doing the third one. So yeah, I, that's your body. Jon, Jon, that's when you get pain in your body at 40.

That's Jon Favreau saying, and that's a picture wrap. No one, no Knowing damn well he's not coming back for the third one. And that's a picture wrap for Iron Man 2. Thank you, Mickey Rourke. Thank you, fucking the guy with three names, Robert Downey Jr., that Chris can't think of because he probably has a tumor somewhere in his head. And thank you, whoever the female was that we hired.

Oh, Pepper Potts. Who played that? Gwyneth Paltrow. Thank you. And that's a picture wrap. That's him doing that in your knee when you do a crossover at 39 years old at a fucking park in Burbank when you're playing basketball with the fellas.

You ain't on the nets. You're not even on a team at the Y. So yeah, I had a great day with the family and now he just loves the pool. Now even little watery. We got him a pool table, like a table with, not a pool table, a table that you put you put water in it's got like a slide in it and shit i'll take a picture i'll put it right here but um and he uh and he just looks at it and he's just like poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo it's cute um yeah so you know when i did see iron man dude i you know, when I did see Iron Man, dude, I, you know, I have OCD and shit and it's really, really, some days it's really debilitating. Other days it's at bay, but, um, I do, I don't, I hate when people hand shit to me. Like I have a fucking weird thing.

I don't even, I, whenever I talk about my OCD, I feel like somebody talking like about their OCD that doesn't really have OCD because people have like made it cute to be like, I'm OCD. I don't like to take too many steps or whatever the fuck. I can't go to the grocery store on Tuesday. And it's like, you don't get it. If I do it, I think I'm going to die in a plane wreck. And I don't just think that. I know that. And I don't just know it. I know it for five days. And so I have a thing, you know, I've tried to do behavioral, cognitive behavioral therapy and obviously I'm on meds, but I have this thing where people hand me stuff I'd rather them just lay it down

it fucking bugs it really bugs me it gets to me and when I watch Iron Man Iron Man's like people hand him he's like I don't like when people hand me stuff to go put it down and I'm just like oh shit dude holy fucking shit dude he's like he's like they're

making him am i marginalized are we just shooting fire out of my hands and my boosters with just some shorts on and and his shirt that's too long It shorts and I fall down and hurt my neck. John Favre yells, cut, in his neck. That's a picture wrap. Thank you, Chris D'Elia. You are not Iron Man. You're 40 and it hurts.

How did I do that? You just sound underwater when you do it. I'm good, dude. Fuck NPR. Celebration is a universal language. It connects people wherever they go. And for 40 years, Aeroplan has taken our members all over the world.

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powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply and fuck these other podcasts man i love some of them you know some of them are good like that what's the one crime junkies that one's good they got like mcdonald's ads on their shit they're so big they're just like have you ever had a big mac try a big mac and you're just like jesus they're just making fucking bags um pigs um so i'm training myself to want to do stuff like go to the beach and yeah i'm training myself like a fucking dolphin one time uh i was at a bar with my other buddy who looks just like tom cruise unbelievable and uh except he was like six feet and uh haven't talked to him in a long, long time.

But there was a girl that sat down at our table. All the girls liked him. And she was talking to us. And he said, so what do you do? That's how he talked. So what do you do for like a living? To her. He really did sound like that.

And she said, oh, i'm a trainer and i said oh for what dolphins and she and she just goes like this and looks at me and she says literally she said see you just did like one of the things that like i don't like like. And I was just like, I, it's one thing to be like, that wasn't funny. Like I would have taken that on the chin and been like, all right, I won't do jokes to you. And I, I kind of like know how funny that was. Like, it's just fine. Funny. It's not like I'm going to win any awards for it. I probably wouldn't even write it in a script but like and even if i was gonna say it as an ad lib in a script it would be because the character's jerky you know like but she said see you just like did one of those things that

i don't like that's what she said and i never forgot it. And I said, like, what? A joke? And she said, no, yeah, it's just like, I don't know. That's it. Those are the people we deal with in our lives. Those are the people we deal with in our lives. And there's nothing you can do about it, dude. These are the people we deal with in our lives and there's nothing you can do about it dude these are the people in our lives she's probably 50 now um i don't know dude but whatever

he didn't like her either he was like ah and oh that guy was so funny dude i'm not gonna say his name but dude the guy fucking one time. So girls liked him. He was also one of those Canadian dudes that like just is like there's a difference between the way Americans are and Canadians are when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. Like Canadians are just like. What's every girl going to like me? Who cares? You know,

just say hi. And Americans are like, let's all go over, over there and get, and get too close. You know, let's all get too close. So, she doesn't understand,

she doesn't understand what's happening and then one of us will just be like hey what's up with your dress really loud and um and so he would just like say hi to everybody and he would like start with like you know you're really gorgeous you have great eyes and i'm just like you're not gonna uh just lead with the thing about what's up with her dress? And there's only two of us. Should we get more guys? But he would do that. And there was this one girl playing the violin or the guitar. I don't remember because those instruments are the same to me.

What am I, fucking Coldplay? And who am I, Cisco? Let me see that. That's opera. I'm an opera singer. And so he. so he fucking, we went to the thing. We went to,

we went to the, we were on third street promenade and there was a, there was a girl playing the violin or guitar. I don't remember. And he, and he was like,

I'm going to give her some dollar bills on the cup. You know, she was like a, whatever, whatever, she had a license to do the street performance.

And he was like, and I said, oh, okay. And and he did it and i saw him walk over and do it and he was like hey it was in between songs and he was like chatting her up in the middle of the song like the song ends and then her chat i'm like jesus he's gonna forget all right i'll walk over there i don't want to i don't want to stand near fucking uh what's the club monaco i'm i'm just gonna walk over we start talking and she says oh hey what's up i sayaco. I'm, I'm just going to walk over. We start talking and she says, oh, Hey, what's up? I say, oh, Hey, good job. My name's Chris. And he's just like, yeah, cool. We're talking and shit. And on the way back, we were listening to the backstreet boys. And I remember, um, we were talking about her because she was really, you know, she's like a good, an attractive female. And he was like, you know, um, she was totally

into it. And I was like, oh really? And I was like, I don't fucking know. I mean, I was 21, dude. I had no idea. And, uh, and he was like, yeah. And I said, oh, how do you know? And he said, dude, he said, oh, cause you could just tell by the way she was talking to us or me or whatever. way she was talking to us or me or whatever i turned the music louder i turned the music louder because it was probably my first oh dude how did he how did he say it i literally i told my brother afterwards and we laughed so you could probably you could tell she was into it because of the way she was talking to us or me or whatever oh that's what he said and i never forgot it dude that is the shit man oh man he looked just like tom cruise people will come up to him black dudes will come up to him

because black if you look a little bit like tom Cruise and you're white, white people will be like, that's not Tom Cruise. But black people will be like, hey, when's Mission Possible 6 coming out? But same for white people to black people. People are always like, people are always like, that's racist, dude. You thought fucking Mario Van Peebles was Omar

Epps? And you're like, it's not. We just, I'm a white guy. Give me some leeway, you know? Uh, but he, but yeah, dude, he looked like Tom Cruise. I don't remember why I was making that racist joke, but whatever. Maybe, maybe it's because I'm fucking racist. whatever maybe maybe it's because i'm fucking racist it can we just agree that everybody's a little bit racist and it's not even in a fucking like we love you can love more than you actually do you know what i mean like you ever fucking like like white people are like like what like okay if okay right. Let me just break this down. What race eats like this?

Nobody would say anything but a white guy. Is that racist? If you're watching this podcast, I say what race eats like this? How many? What percentage of you you think thought white guy? That's not racist. Or we're all a little bit racist it doesn't mean you can't love white people too yeah we eat like that some of us definitely know mexicans and black people eat like that but when white white people do it's kind of gross oh fuck man Oh, fuck, man.

It's a good time. It's a good time. It is what it is, my baby. It is what it is. We have a good time, though. We do. We have a good time. I get home from therapy just rip-roaring better than I was.

And I walk up the stairs, and Kristen is with our friend. And I'm like, hello? They're not in the rooms that we always hang out in. And I hear, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. And I'm like, they're upstairs. I hope they're not in the bedroom because then we're going to have the fucking, I don't like hanging out in the bedroom with anybody, but the person I sleep in the bed with, you know what I mean?

Like you ever have someone else in your bedroom that you ever like have a buddy come over and you're showing them your house or your apartment. And you're like, how quick is the, and this is the bedroom. So we can, let's go. Do you want some turkey meat or let's go to the kitchen.

It's just weird. If you're in turkey meat? Let's go to the kitchen. It's just weird if you're in a bedroom alone with somebody that you don't sleep in the bed with. Yeah, God, that's so true. I don't even know if I ever thought. And even if you're with the person you sleep with and another person, you're like, my opener would always come and hang. And before we left, he would be there because Kristen would and like before we left he would be there because like kristen would bill still be asleep and he'd be like are we bringing the or will you bring it and i'm just like bro you're making the bedroom dirty dude did you walk in here where have you been already today and he's like it's 5 30 a.m we got to get to the airport i haven't been

anywhere anyway um so they're like hey we're up here and they're in the the guest bedroom and i walk in and they're setting up the closet all nice you know doing the shit that kristin loves doing just she loves well she loves decorating but she organizing isn't as hot on her list as decorating but organizing she's learned to do it and learned to like it much like me going to the beach so um she they're doing that and i hear just music i hear music where it's like they it's like the kind of music that you hear that's that where you're like how dare they make this arrangement and just have it blaring because you could tell it's coming from outside it's not i

mean we were inside but it was like coming from whatever they were watching. It was like an outside or it was like a fucking old Eric Clapton live at Madison Square Garden. And I'm just like, but the arrangement was how dare they? No words, just violins and gongs. keyboards just violins and gongs and i'm just like what the fucking fuck is going on in that guest room and i walk in and they're hanging they're doing the closet all nice and i say what because it's funny because family guy or the purge isn't on so Because it's funny because Family Guy or The Purge isn't on. So I look left and I see, sure enough, outside. So many people.

It looks like they're at the goddamn Rose Bowl. People dancing and gonging and tapestries. i'm just hey bud remember what happened at the beach baby knock knock knock i got that little matthew mcconaughey voice in my head knock knock bud remember the beach you thought it was gonna be terrible what'd you say it was i don't know come on what'd you say it was? I don't want to. I don't. Who cares? I care.

More importantly, you care. What was it? It was wonderful. It was wonderful, wasn't it? Yeah, I don't. Why are you in my head, Matthew McConaughey? You made me. So now I got to deal with Matthew mcconaughey my fucking head i'm watching outside and tapestries are flipping all around and they've got like purple and red lights and shit and i'm and i say

what is this and they say the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics. And I say, well, I don't want to be in this room because you're watching the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics and you're organizing. And our friend says. I'll just.

Let's make a spot for you. Here. And I'm like. Whoa. Don't make me feel bad about saying no. Let me just moonwalk on out of here. Do it. I won't even turn around.

I'll just Roger Rabbit on all the way downstairs. Just. Boys to men. what's going on? Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Doing a little East Coast signing. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, yeah. And while I'm watching The Purge.

It's all of a do, but now, Spilky's got it. Everybody, boys to men, TBC, BBD, It's all of a do But now Spilgey's got it Everybody boys The men TBC BBD These coast family Just watching Speaking of family

Family guy Never skip the beat Nah While I'm ruling on charge Everybody wants Jet lag then Plenty of air And all the Philly steaks

We game then And then that dude Back in school We used to Rip us half leaves Every day Can't really have bad But it's trees And fire eat away Yeah Back in school we used to Beep us half-leaps every day Getting really up and More than three years of fight away

And we started a group And here we are I'm good at singing, dude. And we started a group And here we are He says fish tank somewhere in there. and we started a group, and here we are, he says fish tank somewhere in there, and so, anyway, dude,

I go, I'm going to fucking Roger Rabbit right on out of here, dude, I'm going to do the Charleston right the fuck on out of here, dude. I'm going to do the Charleston right the fuck on out of here. I'm going to hippity hop it right on downstairs and watch The Purge, if you don't mind me. Thank you, m'lady. Thank you, friend. Keep on organizing and watch as many as 2008 Olympics as you'd like. But I don't want to fucking watch TV alone.

So I'm like, come on, guys. Let's go down. And they're fucking loving it, dude. They cried. I found out afterwards they cried while they watched the 2008 Olympics. And they're like, we're getting into the spirit. Cause the Olympics are coming again. I'm like,

it's not a fucking sequel. It's not like you watched the fucking matrix three. And you're like, wait, what happened to the, this is revolutions. There's probably one just called Matrix, right? Yeah, and Reloaded.

Oh, this is the third one? It's not. It's not. It's a fucking Olympics. Japan's going to play America and fucking Russia's going to play another country, Scandinavia. You know what I mean? I don't know. What the fucking...

So I'm like, let's not. And she was like, you know what? You come in here with this with your energy and you just got back from therapy and why can't you just like relax and have a good time and I'm like I went to the beach it's wonderful was wasn't it shut up Matthew McConaughey and uh and so she's like just watch just you know can you you know what let's do a deal and i'm just like fuck fuck she wants to do a deal you know what that means i'm gonna be more pissed

Look man, maybe she wants a deal This deal could be right up your alley Alright, fucking don't listen Only because you're Matthew McConaughey And I really liked you in Sahara I thought you were good in contact I thought you were good in contact. I'm listening. What's the deal?

She says. Sit. Watch it for two minutes. I'm going to time it. Don't say anything for two minutes. I'm going to time it. Don't say anything for two minutes. Just watch. And just try and relax and have a good time if you can. And I'm like, I don't know if I can do that.

It's like you did it at the beach, didn't you? Yeah, you? Yeah. You're right. You make a good fucking point, guy from Sahara. You make a good point, guy from that movie that's not as good as The Truman Show, but was a ripoff of The Truman Show. Ed TV.

Yeah. I know. So, here I'm now sitting. She goes, boop. And I don't say shit for two fucking minutes. I watch these tapestries flying everywhere. I watch these people running around gong and some guys painting over something already painted like he was doing it. Like I'm fucking 41. i know he's not doing it

even back then i was 28 i didn't do that who's this for kids oh painted he had a big ass paint brush i got to admit though his legs were fucking real he had some some thighs dude because he had he would dip real low down and fucking paint over the calligraphy and i'm just like all right dude but he already did it he's just going over retracing who is this Yeah, he would dip real low down and fucking paint over the calligraphy. And I'm just like, all right, dude. But he already did it. And he's just going over, retracing. Who is this for?

Who watches this? And she says, two minutes. What? And she looks at her texts. And she had one from me why are you making me do this don't hate the player hate the game that's how we do it dude you didn't say nothing about texting, dude. Be more memorable, man. We're on our be more memorable bullshit, dude. Yo, dude.

Yo. Yo, dude. Your boy's got severe problems. Fuck yeah, dude. That shit was a win. And then I watched fucking four episodes of The Purge. We have a good time, dude. We have a good time.

We laughed a lot. They cried. We laughed. They cried. We laughed. They cried. It was the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics. The kind of thing on YouTube that should never get more views as the world turns because it already happened.

And who cares about it? Alas, she was one more view. Her and her friend. That's not true. I watched it. Shut the fucking goddamn ass. You're done. We don't need you anymore shoot out of the side of my ear please um I see Ivan writing something down I can't wait to see that graphic there's no way that gets done

um all right so uh yeah man There's no way that gets done. All right. So, yeah, man. Yes, you heard that right. From the Christmas lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaws is committed to fresh, so you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. I guess there's one more thing here. There's actually a few more things. guess there's one more thing here there's actually a few more things since we're talking about movies and shit and things you're entertained by this was crazy to me i see this ep this uh criticism uh variety on variety magazine john m chu responds to criticism over treatment of South Asian characters in Crazy Rich Asians.

This is an article on Variety written by Haley Bosselman. I never saw this movie, but this article made me be like, what the fuck is going on? Crazy Rich Asians director John M. Chu sees his error in casting brown actors in subservient roles. While promoting his new film, In the Heights, Chu told Insider that he should have made the South Asian characters in Crazy Rich Asians more human and that he totally gets the criticism. The 2018 rom-com hit centers on the relationship between Chinese-American professor Rachel Chu, Constance Wu, and

history professor Nick Young, whatever, yeah. He takes her home to Singapore. That's the part of the movie. You probably saw it. Here's my whole thing, man. This is how crazy it is with woke shit. Here's what I do if I'm John M. Chu.

I know he's got to be political because he's in Hollywood. But sometime, and I don't know. I haven't seen this movie movie i don't know this guy's work he's probably talented this movie is probably good and it's probably fine what he did i have no fucking idea people are woke i get it what about how you can just be a bad writer. What about that? It doesn't have to be racist. You can just be a bad writer. Oh, sorry. I didn't make the characters more believable. You're just bad. You're not racist. The error was you have less talent than you should now i'm not saying this guy is not talented i've never seen his stuff i don't know i'm responding to the article and the criticism that they're giving to him guy looks nice enough to me but dude oh fuck i want to be in these situations so badly

like where where it's like well chris why didn't you you made it you put a brown person in a subservient role and i'm just like for fuck's sake dude he worked in a bodega if you think that i should have made him white okay fine but fucking i'm bad then i'm a bad writer i fucked up yeah but he talked with a this and he said this and that's not how they that that's not how they actually all right then I'm bad then then I'm a bad writer I'm bad at writing that scene oops what about oopsie What about that? No, you didn't portray what I think they are. The fucking. What about it's just bad?

Remember when shit was just bad? It was better. When shit was just bad, it was better. There didn't need to be reasons for it. Bro, I would watch fucking eric roberts movies i would watch bad shit and it was better because motherfuckers you know yeah you portrayed these marginal you marginalized people people. I'm just bad. I'm bad at it. I tried writing.

They're not all going to be fucking bangers. By the way, that was a banger. That movie made $14 trillion or some shit. That was a banger. Gone are the days where fucking, what's his name? Fucking Harrison Ford or even Jet Li later on. Gone are the days. Everybody's got to hate.

Now there's a fucking Jet Li movie that comes out. People are like, it's not actually real martial arts. You want to talk about that? Oh, shut up, guy. Remember the bangers? I want to make a movie called Remember the Bangers. With fucking Gene Hackman, I know he's retired, and Denzel Washington, dude. They don't make fucking bangers anymore, dude.

And sometimes they do, but a fucking audience makes them not bangers. Like this shit could have been a banger. This Karen movie. We're watching it. it's a trailer a film by coke daniels a long way from east point great name already baby you just gotta give it a chance so many movie trailers have the fucking that's already how you know the movie's bad because Because it's like, it's making you feel like, oh, we gotta get going. Like, dude, don't make the fucking, do it with music at least.

You know? Like when you're in a fucking, at the end of the movie and shit, when everyone's like, and you're like, are they gonna get out of the fucking submarine or not? The air's closing in on them. For fuck's sake.

But you start a movie preview out with that's unfair. And we live a life of fairness. fairness the piano the one note piano dude like it's eyes wide shut dude like it's fucking creepy bro i want to make a fucking movie that's creepy and only have music by the wallflowers in it. Just fucking people getting stabbed to one headlight. Just fucking one headlight. Just people spitting up their esophagus. One head light.

Dude, stop with the creepy fucking piano and the fucking evil demonic kid in the movie and the... I'm going, won't it lie? While some guy's wearing another guy's face. It's little photos in the peniles day. Whatever the fucking lyrics for now. Beer. Beer. Beer.

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Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.

Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.

Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.

Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.

Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.

Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.. I collect them. is what it lied. I collect them. I collect them. I collect them. I collect them. I collect them. I collect them. I collect them. I collect them. I makes a face and says, oh I collect them. It's what it like. It's what it like. Some guy hanging. Dude. This and that, all this and that, and this. Dude. That's the movie I want to make. Fucking give me all the money to make this motherfucker, dude.

I will make it and it will kill. And deep down, even if you're listening to this as a hater, you know, I'm right, dude I'll make that motherfucker sing dude. I'll make that page come to life Bro, that shit will sing man. I'll have zero good actors in it and that shit will hit high notes High notes! Tell me about your new neighbors. They're black.

Okay. I'm interested. Do you mind keeping it down? If you don't comply, I'll tell the manager. Subtle racism. Somebody's taking home security serious. Hi, I am tell the manager. Subtle racism. Somebody's taking home security serious. Hi, I am Karen Drexler. I'm your neighbor.

You need to be taking your trash cans off the curb right when the trash is picked up. A little less subtle. A little less subtle. Now, let me tell you something right now. This lady who's playing Karen is a great actress. And her name is Taryn something. And she's great. And she looks like she's great in it. And I'm not fucking, that's no sarcasm, dude.

And everyone in the comments, the YouTube thing is like, this looks fucking, are you kidding me? No. I will not stand for it. I will not stand for any hate in this comment, in this comment section, talking about how silly this movie experience might be. I will not tolerate it because it could be a banger. It could be bad in the right way.

The only thing anyone should be talking about is how this movie looks, the aesthetic of it. It looks like garbage porn. Okay. Now I don't, I didn't understand why until i saw bet and then i realized okay well it's bet productions with this movie that's going to be coming out and tyler perry runs that ever since tyler perry movies shit looked a lot worse you know because he just makes movies for like a nickel and three cents and so she's nice yeah she's nice wait a minute we have a white entitled neighbor named karen hit it head on i like it i like it because they're not hiding from it they're understanding how ridiculous this script is congratulations karen movie good job why does it look like a porn shoot karen okay enjoy yourself there she is slaving away in the kitchen okay all right she's a good

actress can't say you look there she is slaving away in the kitchen. Can't say that. So Karen's racist, obviously. I've come across some very suspecting teenagers. Karen Manning? Can you please hurry up? Please, this is very aggressive. I left my wallet with my ID at home. Leave us alone. We didn't do anything.

How the heck did you end up moving to this neighborhood? So racist. Next thing you know, we have criminals. You take care of him and I will take care of her. Would you mind stepping out of the car? My office has uncovered some disturbing information on her. Imagine if all of a sudden Liam Neeson shows up. Just like, they don't want you here because you're black,

but I want you here because you're black. Bing! One head light just cutting up Karen wearing her face. I'm wearing Karen's face. Bow-new-new-new

Bow-new Hey-ya! Yeah! I am Karen. Come on, little, little I am Karen come on little rocks and bass and devil they have to stop killing I will kill her

we have a search warrant well I'm black I know she doesn't like you either kids always speak the truth like that right I want to sell the house I'm black. I know. She doesn't like you either. Kids always speak the truth like that, right? I want to sell the house. Kids always speak the truth, dude.

Kids will just be like, who's the fat guy? When you're at like some fucking little boutique with... Okay. Okay. All right. He means P-H-A-T. I hope so as he runs out with his mcdonald's you can't call people fat you can't tell me huh we're living next door too i mean she has a fucking confederate flag soap dispensary in this movie really laying and laying it on thick karen movie

a racist you went in her house you wouldn't want your wife to know our little secret right i was not staying in place for seeing you back there what do we have here and the look everything looks like nails you people are very angry. Shut your mouth, boy. The cops are racist too, isn't it? Bad things happen to people that don't comply. Dude, imagine, this is exactly what I was talking about with the fucking other guy in the last article. It's like, imagine if there's white people that are saying that this is racist. Like, dude, it's just fucking art there's white people that are saying that this is racist like dude it's just fucking art who gives a shit i don't care either way people are like well okay well

how would it be if i made a movie about dude there are movies about that and other people complain about those don't be that motherfucker who cares is? It's divisive. I don't care, dude. Don't watch it. We're screaming to the vacuum. Look at this. Hopefully this dislike ratio will get more numbers than this movie's audience. Just white people. I'm not woke, dude.

And I'm not liberal. And I'm not conservative. and i'm not liberal and i'm not conservative you know look at this songbird i'm the most tone deaf movie ever karen hold my confederate soap dispenser what's songbird that's another movie song song songbird was that tone deaf they're all tone deaf they're movies dude if they're not tone deaf they're a fucking movie like nomadland where some girl's just hanging around a barbecue for two and a half hours do you know i mean i was fucking on a plane with francis mcdormand once and i sat with her and that that's that was as boring as the movie Nomadland.

You were so... Yeah, dude. Make this movie and then also make another racist movie. Make them all racist, dude. I want every character to be fucking one-dimensional. I want white guys out there just like, uh, hey, what's going on? Can't see without my glasses.

Pens coming out of his shirt. And then I want a fucking black guy that's like, what's up, dog? Damn! And then I want an Asian to crash into both of them that's the movie i want and then i want a guy with down syndrome to come out and be like what happened i want it all dude i don't give a fuck it's like just everyone's so goddamn sensitive man and then when people don't like the movie i I go, oops, I'm bad.

I'm a bad writer. Sorry you didn't like it, dude. Liam Neeson wouldn't do my fucking one. I had to make Karen. More power to you always. I can't believe what I'm fucking saying, dude. Whatever, dude. I mean it.

Chris D'Elia goes nuts talking about carrot. Chris D'Elia on a racist, even though it's a comedy podcast, absolutely racist slams blacks, Asians, and whites. Oh, all of them in the office. Oh, the guy with his fucking coffee mug. I'm sorry, little kids. So that's it for the episode on YouTube. If you would like to catch the rest of the episode, the uncut version of this episode, go on over to our Patreon and become a member and support the show.

Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And it would also be awesome. And we've got a swell of support over there, but also we need you. And if not, it's all good. Enjoy us on YouTube. Thank you very much, you guys. Have a good one. Congratulations. Hey guys, welcome to...