Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 198. Cocaine Room

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

🎟 Catch the rest of this episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia  In this episode Chris pays a visit to the Apple store, watches Gordon Ramsay interact with some Italians, and learns about the 21 foot rule. 🎽 New "Be More Memorable" Merch: https://store.chrisdelia.com  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/  🕺 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@chrisdelia  🐥 Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia  👤 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Knock him out the box, Rick. Knock him out, Rick. One time my uncle said rap's the only music you can't sing. And I just proved him wrong. I actually said hum. Never mind. Wow, I remember that. Remember the fucking ghostface killer thing that the Daytona five, five thousand or whatever the fuck.

And it would be like, and I was so pissed that the beat never dropped even harder than that. And that's it. That's the whole story. Sometimes I tell bad stories, but they're very quick and that's how bad stories should be. All right. Started off taking me out. Um, you know what? I, uh, things are cool, man. I want to say, you know, uh, thank you so much for listening and, uh, And you guys are so sweet. I see you guys making friends in those comments.

I see you guys, you know, whining and dying in that subscribe button. And we love it, dude. We love it when you whine and die in that subscribe button, dude. We absolutely love it. Take the like button to the park and absolutely go see a movie with the fucking bell notifications. We love it. We love it. We're dating the fucking clicks. We're dating the things that you click on instead of smashing them and destroying them

like all other YouTubers say. We do it different, baby. Dude. I'm different. Yeah, I'm different. So yeah, dude, we're chilling. And it's a good thing. And the Patreon support is nice. It keeps coming. It keeps rolling. It keeps rolling, rolling, rolling. And besides that, if you're not on the Patreon, get on board.

Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Couldn't have fucked that up even more. And it's Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And if you're not, that up even more. And it's patreon.com. And if you're not, thanks for even watching on YouTube. Even though you don't get the full episode, you get the cut up episode. But you get the freaking uncut episode in the Patreon, dude. Yeah, dude. It's the Yellow Shirt Podcast.

Wasn't sure about the shirt and still not sure. And Kristen said it was good. Sensei. And it's all good, but I'm chilling. So what are we talking about here, man? We're having a good time. I had a good day, you know, was super mad yesterday and was super not mad today. you're less mad and both of those days life rips right both of those days life rips because both of those days you wake up and both of those days you get through it and you go to sleep and then you wake up and you do it all over again so that's it man

and it's been really it's been it was really shit yesterday and it's been really good today I'll tell you why actually yesterday was annoying as, oh man, I was so angry and really trying to sit and deal with my emotion. Just really trying to just sit and, huh, why do I feel this way? But not able to just rest, heart pumping, couldn't get it together. I, uh, my phone all of a sudden decided to just be like, Hey, I know you're not touching the screen, but it doesn't matter. I'm just going to act like you're touching the screen

and I'm going to act like you're on Coke while doing it. All of a sudden my screen was just going flipping around, flipping, flipping around, opening apps, almost posting shit that I didn't want to post almost having a fucking heart attack. It would just open up Instagram and put this on, open up this and put that on open up this and put that on and i'm like jesus christ sign me up for linkedin wasn't touching shit dude it's called i looked it up it's called ghost touch sounds like a fucking mi movie tom cruise mission impossible 9 ghost touch starring definitely also so it was doing the ghost touch thing and it was not mildly annoying it was mach 11 annoying it was mach 11 all of a sudden phone starts

opening up shit and so i'm like all right i guess all right, I guess I got to get a new phone, right? Got to get a new phone. So I go in and to the, so I go into the, no, so I order it. So I order it online. So it's ready for me when I pick it up at the Apple store. Okay. That's how it's supposed to be. We live in the future. This is how it's supposed to be. 2021, you order it online. You saunter in, you go, where's my iPhone? My name's Chris. It should be for me. Oh, you got it ready already. Cool. Put it in your cargo pants and moonwalk the fuck out Apple. All right. So that's what is supposed to happen. And Apple agrees with that, by the way. So great Apple, we're both on the same page. So I order it and it says, boom, email flung.

It's ready. Come pick it up. And all of a sudden I'm Johnny drives it. Cool. Just driving all the way down to the fucking, uh, mall in Sherman Oaks. Like I'm like, I want to go. And I'm like, I haven't been to the mall since fucking COVID hit. So I go and I park and I walk in the mall. Now, did I walk in close to

the Apple store or did I walk in as far as possible and then have to walk the whole mall and realize I could have parked closer? You do the math. Guess. Have you ever, have you ever by mistake parked to the place that you meant to go? If you want to go to fucking the food court, maybe if you want to go to the food court because they are signs from it from outside and you can kind of sense where it is from the outside right there's lots of like pigeons outside but if you want to go to the apple store and it's not bloomingdales or macy's right because those are on the edges always. But in the middle, all the other shit. Orange Julius, fucking Apple, always a J.Crew in the mall.

If you don't have a J.Crew in the mall, you ain't shit unless you have a Banana Republic. But if you're a great mall, you got them both. Okay? Walked in, I go, where's the Apple store? Immediately, my mall senses started tingling and I walked directly where I wasn't because life doesn't work out that way. It's always far walk. So I go to the, I'm walking and I'm walking and I'm just sensing. And then I look in the fucking you are here thing. And sure enough, I was the furthest possible play. The Apple store was all the way at the end. And if you've been to the fucking Sherman Oaks mall, you know this. So I'm like good can't

wait to get my phone got my email now can I access the email no because the ghost touch is happening on my phone apps are opening and shutting and it's very annoying so I'm like they better not ask me for shit dude I better just walk in and they better just give it to hopefully this is one of those things where fame is like oh yeah i know who you are of course here you go here's your iphone is it too much to ask or if i was a fucking emotional italian i say is it too much to x and um so i go in and i say hey hi, hi. First of all, why are they dressed like, like regular people that don't work there? Hey, Apple, get it together. Dude, you have employees

put a fucking uniform on them. If I go anywhere else in the world, they all got uniforms. They all look the same. When I walk into Apple, I'm like, Hey, are you all customers or what's happening? You either all work here or none of you work here. Cause you don't look different. At least dress them up. Like all the movies in the future or some shit, like have them all looking like demolition man or something. That's what they do. They got the eye, the fucking Apple dudes in the back, just frozen until they defrost them. And they're like, you're a genius. Go out there and fix computers. There's no, I don't know how long, it's been a long time since I've been to an Apple store.

There's no desk anymore. There's no counter. They're just there, chilling with their hands in their pockets and a little mechanism that's like, what do you need? And you're like, AirPods, come with me here. I'm going to get George to get you an Airpods. George, grab an Airpod. They throw them out. George comes, he like does the thing where he fucking bounces it off his elbow. And then the other guy catches it. Here you go. Want me to

ring you up? You want an email to you? And you're out. I want a counter in the fucking store. Okay. Otherwise I don't know where the fuck I am. It's like, well, it's like, I'm at, it's like, I'm at sea. I might as well be at sea. And someone's like, where's due East? And I'm like, I don't know That's what I feel like I'm in the Apple store And no one's dressed like a captain So I'm like hey You work here yeah

And they're like uh huh And I'm like cool man So I got a thing And I ordered it And the phone should be ready And the guy goes oh cool let me get A different person to take I'm like alright whatever

So this lady comes by and she's like hey what's up How can I help you and I was like Just told this guy it's all good So I So I ordered an iPhone And it said it's ready So I just wanted to come in here my phone's doing the ghost touch thing And she says oh isn't that annoying And I said yeah but it's ready. And so I just wanted to come in here. My phone's doing the ghost touch thing. And she says, oh, isn't that annoying?

And I said, yeah, but it's all good. Just came here to get a new phone. And she says, okay, cool. Let me look you up. What's your name? And I go, you know my name. Inside my head. But outside, I said, it's Chris D'Elia.

And she says, okay. And she types it in. And she says, okay. Uh, and she types it in and she says, hmm, blood level rises. There should be no, hmm, in a transaction. I came here, you give me the phone, I'm out. Already paid. No reason to go. No reason to go. Hmm. So she does that noise. And I say, what's up? And she says, so did you get an email confirming that it was ready? And in my head, while she said that, in my head, not out loud, but in the middle of her saying that in my head i went

and i snapped out of it like the old ali mcbeal i want to do that shit so badly now did you get the play by the rules and i do dude oh and i do and you know that if you listen to this podcast, because I don't want it to be my fault. I want it to be someone else's fault. So I say, yeah, I got it. Yeah, I got the email. It says it's ready.

And she says, oh, okay, can you show me? And I said, no, my phone's got ghost touch going on. And she says, oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, but it's ready. And she says, okay, well, let me look. Okay, okay, well, let me go in the back. Now they're in the back. She's in the back with two other guys.

They're trying to figure this shit out. Well, let me go in the back. Now they're in the back. She's in the back with two other guys. They're trying to figure this shit out. Now, am I pissed? Of course. But I'm keeping it cool, my baby. I'm keeping it really, really cool. My blood level is activated, but I'm using the technique that I'm using through all of my therapies and it's getting down. It's getting down.

My OCD is quelling. Everything's fine. I've got a beautiful son. I've got the partner of a lifetime. My mom and dad are healthy. My brother's cooler than I am. So I'm like, smooth sailing, Chris. Just stare at that big ass Apple TV that they got fucking showing Rihanna or Billie Eilish or whatever the fuck. Just be a customer. A cool as a cucumber customer. And so I'm waiting and they come back out and they're like, so.

And when you say, hmm, and so. And you're somebody who has my shit, bing, like Wolverine, right? But in my head, though, I wanted to go, oh, here we go. In my head, I was doing it all day long. I was singing opera in my fucking head. But I'm keeping it cool as a cucumber, and I say, yes, what's the problem?

And she says, well, you know, so is somebody that, and they say another name, why does it say it's for this person? And I say, oh, right. That's my business manager. When I order something on Apple pay, it goes to him. I don't know why his name is on that. He probably doesn't know either, but when I set it up, sometimes I send things to him and then it sends it. She says, okay, all right. Okay. Well, let's, you know what? We'll be right back. I send things to him and then it sends it. She says, okay, all right. Okay, well, let's, you know what? We'll be right back.

She goes back in the back. Now I'm like, there's gotta be a fucking something, something real fun going back there because you're coming back and forth too many times. Figure it all out while you're back there and then come back and tell me what's going on. This back and forth shit, there's something in there in that back room

that's going on that you're not telling me about and I'm missing out on a lot of fun, okay? Because you're working, which is what you should be doing, but you keep going back room that's going on that you're not telling me about and i'm missing out on a lot of fun okay because you're working which is what you should be doing but you keep going back to that room and that must be where the party's at you understand it keeps drawing me back in that room is cocaine yeah i try to leave but i'm addicted so the lady comes out of the cocaine room and she says well and now i'm pissed because you hit the so and well and those are the three fucking that's the three that's that harry carrey right there Bowels spilling out over my cock, right? So now that I'm sitting there imaginarily singing opera and having the bowels laid out all over my cock, right? Now that my entrails are laid out cascading over my balls. Okay?

I'm like, here we go. And she says, we're not allowed to give it to you. The good thing is I'm already dead. I'm dead inside. I'm already dead. And I already realized I lost the battle. And it's fine. The old me would have been like, phone's mine. So what are we going to do about this? How are we going to get this out? How are we going to get this out?

How are we going to get this phone out of that back room and out of this Apple store and out of this Westfield mall and out of my car and back into my home? Because it's mine. But I'm cool. I'm Johnny Cools It Down. I'm cooling it way down. I'm Johnny Frostbite right now.

Okay. Inside I'm mad, but I'm also Johnny frostbite. Okay. She doesn't know anything that's going on in my body. So I say to her, okay, well, why don't you tell me what's going on? And she says, when you ordered it, you ordered it with the other person's name. And technically that's the only person who can come pick it up. Is he close? And I go in my head. No. And even if he was, he's not coming.

It's my phone. I'm not going to bother my business manager. Hey, could you leave your work and come fucking get my iPhone for me? Number one, because it's rude and weird. And number two, he's in Florida. Yeah. Give me nine hours. He'll get a direct flight. So she's like, so what could we do? Can he call and cancel that? And can, and can we, and I'm just like, just I'll buy one now. So I bought one. Then immediately I bought one then. Hey dog, shut up. Incel, shut up. Ohel shut up oh shut up shut up shut up nothing's

happening dude dogs are barking and nothing's happening that's great man my dogs are doing the fucking iphone equivalent of a ghost touch nothing's happening i say as mercenaries come in and just shoot up the whole place i hope they get the dogs first anyway so i can die in silence um so now i'm like i'll just buy it i'll get the thing or whatever so i get the phone and i already fucking picked out which one i wanted with all the gigabytes and shit like that so i'm like all right now i gotta do this whole thing over again at least i'm here and they could talk about any problems because hey you know what they're fucking geniuses they call themselves geniuses so that's what they are and i say okay let me just buy one now she says okay cool i'll be right back so now

she goes back in the fucking cocaine room and the fucking and another guy comes out and he says hey you want you want to you were the one that wanted to purchase an iPhone. And I was like, yeah. Okay, cool. And he says, okay, which one do you want? And I was like, why are you already told the other, the other first two people, but, um, I, I want the, uh, 12 pro, not the max because I don't like the big one because I don't need a computer. I need a phone. And he says, okay, great. So the big one, but Johnny cools it down. You weren't listening, but Johnny cools it down, right? I mean, the guy's getting so fucking, he's getting way ahead of him because he's not even listening.

He sells so much shit. He's probably mixing me up with a customer he had five weeks ago. So I'm pissed off, but Johnny air conditioning, right? I mean I'm fucking pissed off and I'm hot but it's like Johnny Lemonade on a hot warm day right a hot summer day Johnny Lemonade on a hot summer day that's who I am right now okay

so anyway the guy's like okay and what color do you want and i say not the white um i see him all in person now i said you know i'll get the gold one and he says okay so he's like and what size do you want and i said the biggest and he said so that's 200 and yada yada and i said no no that's not the biggest i want the biggest and he says no that's the biggest and i go like i'm not the genius here okay do some more looking and he goes oh oh no it's 500 something gig and i go ah ah so we we figured that out. Great.

So he says, okay, great. So iPhone, I swear to God, he says iPhone 12 Pro Max. And I say, I'm going to take a shit right here, sir. In my head. And he's like, okay, no. So he brings the phone out and he says, great. So do you want to set it up here or do you want to? Oh no, he says, so do you want to set it up here or do you want to bring it home? Now, I don't know what that fucking question means because I want the phone, set it up here or do you want it oh no he says so do you do you want to set it up here or do you want it to bring it home now i don't know what that fucking question means because i want the

phone set it up and i also want to fucking bring it home so i said what's the difference and he said well you either set it up here or you set it up when you get home and i said well i'm here why don't i set it up here and he says okay and he says well it's it i he definitely wanted me to take it home he's like you take it home you open up out the box it's just it fucking it's all ready and i say oh but don't i have to like transfer everything and he's like, you take it home, you open up the box, it's just fucking, it's all ready. And I say, oh, but don't I have to like transfer everything? And he's like, yeah, but you know, you can do it. It's easy. And I was like, okay. And then he's like, so you want to, so I said, how do I transfer everything? And he's like, you just take your old phone and you transfer the shit. And I said, can I do that here? And he says, well, you can do it here,

but you say you want to take it home. And I was like, okay, so how long does it take? He said, I don't know, an hour. I said, oh, fuck it. I'll do it at home. He says, well, I mean, it can take an hour, but it could take shorter. I said, oh, fuck it, I'll do it at home. He says, well, I mean, it can take an hour, but it could take shorter. I said, it doesn't matter, I'll take it at home. So I go home, I bring it home, right? I bring it home, I bring it right here, and I fucking go to do it.

I tried five times, tried five fucking times, and it said it was going to take three hours and 45 minutes each time, and each time after 25 minutes, it said, no, can't do it. There's too much shit on one phone to give it to the other phone, which makes no sense because both of the phones were the biggest, okay? So now I'm so mad and I'm really trying to, I'm Johnny Cousin down, but I'm not Johnny Cousin down anymore. I'm Johnny, I'm Johnny, I'm Johnny heat is rising.

Okay. And, and I'm like, it doesn't work five times and I'm doing this for three hours. And then I drive back in the meantime, my other phone phone is not working i'm probably getting so many job offers and missing out on them somebody called me and like hey chris leah you're back and i didn't know about that my old agent goes hey we wanted to hire you again oh we want you to hire us again oh really oh shit i miss it all so i go back and I'm like hey man it didn't work and the guy's like really what a different guy now what oh no really another guy comes over really it should work

yeah no shit and I fucking and he's like do you want us to transfer it I'm like nah I'll just do it you know what I'm just gonna start I got so fed up I'm gonna start from scratch so now I got a phone start from scratch no photos no nothing I got all the shit my old phone I got no. No nothing. I got all this shit on my old phone. I got no contacts. No nothing, dude.

I had to download all the apps again. It's bullshit. Make it easy, Apple. Make it easy. The story was too long, but what I'm saying is make it easy, dude. Boom, boom, boom, boom. We're in the future. You don't work.

And about four of those fucking tags, too. Those fucking tags that you stick to things and you could find shit so i'm not gonna lose shit anymore dude i'm gonna put one on calvin um so i got a new phone and that's great i should be grateful you know what i mean it's not like i'm it's just like first world problems i know there's like no running water in India and shit. And the Haitian president just got assassinated, which is really, really fucked up,

you know, but it's like transfer my iPhone quicker. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, I know the Haitian president just fucking took one of the head, but wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you.

Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy a room upgrade.

Wherever you go, we'll go together that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply fix my iphone quicker i don't want to talk to these many people when i'm there the second time i went to the apple store though i brought i brought calvin and i brought kristin and cal and I brought Kristen and Calvin was hilarious there, dude. He was hilarious there. And his little shorts and shirt and he was just like, he was so, he was just like, what is this? He saw the big screen and he's like, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da.

Like showing me shit. I'm like, bro, I've been live. You're the new one. I'm showing you. I brought you here. I'm showing you the whole thing. Don't act like you're showing me pieces of the place. I brought you to the whole place.

Da-da, da-da, da-da. Beats, headphones, da-da. I know. I have four of them. I got them on right now. These are the same ones in the podcast room. Thank you, Calvin. I'm trying to deal with one of the geniuses.

Dada, dada. Pointing to Rihanna on the fucking Apple Music thing. Dada. I know about Rihanna, son. But it was so cute, dude. And then we took him to the food court and he ate chicken and almost choked twice. the food court and he ate chicken and almost choked twice. Um, but I'm, you know, oh, let's watch this dude. This is fucking hilarious. I don't know how the fuck I never seen this. It's a million views. And this was sent to me. Let me actually find out who it was sent by.

and this was sent to me. Let me actually find out who it was sent by. Because somebody on the Discord sent it to me. It was Mac Delicious. Change it. But thank you

in the segment ideas of the Discord. And if you're a fucking producer tier person, then you get to pitch segment ideas. And he sent me this. Mac Delicious. Change it. Thank you. But also sent this great clip.

Looks like my friend Jonathan Sadowski in this this video and it's called 21 foot rule less talk and more action already you know whoever labeled this anyways is less talk more action if it's not like the rock you have an office job and you think you're way fucking doper than you really are okay so so this is the video this guy and it starts with a guy an image of a guy holding a fucking samurai knife it's like short but also way too long to be a knife just trying to make you gun guys aware of gun guys trying to make you gun guys just trying to make you gun guys aware about aware about what these are of the knife because uh you move too slow and you count too much on that one shot taking him down and you gotta move dude the first of all the glasses that

he's wearing are so wire rim it looks like that it looks like fucking they belong to peter griffin like they're so not there and they're oval these are the worst glasses i've ever seen in my life to be honest these are the worst glasses i've ever seen in my life to be honest these are the worst glasses I've ever seen in my life and the guy's wearing them like they're fucking Oakley's the most badass shits ever okay and the house is his house has all brick in the background which is hilarious in

itself okay gets up 21 I don't know what the 21 feet he stays 21 feet away from someone bitch wow jean shorts ran up and fucking lopped the head off of a homemade dummy a cardboard dummy all right so bitch you heard his keys jingling when he was running you know that's the best part you heard jingling when running running for your life in a fucking combat scenario with keys.

And already out of breath at the end, he's running like this. Oh, came back. Oh, I jumped up and down. Hold on, I got to go back here. What does he say? I'm hiding behind a tree somewhere, and I see somebody coming down the here. What does he say? I'm hiding behind a tree somewhere and I see somebody coming down the trail and I go, ha! That's my enemy.

Oh! And I go, ha! That's my enemy. No soldier or warrior has ever said, ha! There's my enemy. That's like a guy who has no enemies. That's just creating

enemies. Dude, this guy, the guys with weapons, you know, like if you want to have a gun, I'm not against owning a gun if you know how to operate it properly, but you just need one dude or two, but don't have like all the, these weapons if you're a guy who has like a wall of weapons it's so so you're mixed up dude you don't need to have a wall of weapons do you know why because you're just you right because why because you work where? At Office Depot? Because why? You work where? Huh, there's my enemy. Almost fell when he ran. With duck, with duck, with duck.

Alright, this is a relatively small knife. So close to the camera. It's the Cold Steel Spartan. Just hanging out? Oh! Oh! Just hanging out? Oh! Just hanging out? Just hanging out? Oh!

The anger dude. Just hanging out? I like how he's doing our work for us. He's playing what we're thinking in our head. Huh, that guy's just hanging out. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Thank God he gave me 21 feet. Run.

Dude, how can somebody be real like this? It's unreal. The 21-foot rule. It is one thing to read about the 21 foot rule it's another way to actually see it done many times people think that they will shoot as well under stress as they do in the range so this whole thing usually not the case i wanted people to better visualize the twiller tooler drill and 21 foot rule contact us for demos your officers might take the 21 foot rule more seriously the 21 foot rule states that us for demos. Your officers might take the 21 foot rule more seriously. The 21 foot rule states that the average person with a bladed weapon can run and cut you in about the same amount of time that the average person can draw and shoot a gun. That's fucking utter horseshit.

I mean, I drew guns before and it was way quicker than this guy with these fucking jorts on or running demonstrates that bladed weapons are very dangerous especially against cardboard targets well okay this is a joke let me let's read about the 21 foot rule let's see this is a website 21 foot rule.com unprepared the impossible odds against the concealed carrier. Oh, oh, there's more. 21-foot rule with a sword. These guys are amazing. Bang, bang, bang, bang. He's dead. He'd die. No way. That guy's dead.

Draws it. Bang. Dead. 100% dead. No doubt that guy would die immediately. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. He'd get three steps. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. You'd get the whole thing reclipped. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. He'd get three steps. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. You'd get the whole thing reclipped. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. You'd keep on fucking hitting him. Unbelievable, dude.

Guys with swords are great. If you have a sword, you're great. It's over, dude. It's over for you. You're just the guy. You're outdated. You understand? You know how you're outdated? Only white guys own swords. That's how you're outdated. Unless you're talking about the

fucking countryside of Japan. You know, Asians have swords, but that's how you know they're outdated. Because ancient Japanese motherfuckers and also white guys, white guys are done. You know that, right? You know, white guys are done. You know, white guys are done. That's it. They're going to make a fucking movie about Buzz Aldrin and they're going to, you know, the fucking, uh, it's going to be a biopic and it's, they're going to have a, an Indian lady play him white guys donezo and this guy that's how you know like you ever see a black guy with a fucking sword no because they're out busy fucking getting jobs white dudes are like i can't because why because you because of diversity okay

all right cool fine well i'll see you later sheath and then walk away we're. That's how you know swords are outdated. White guys only have them. Um, um, yeah, dude. Uh, coughed. I, um, I did, uh, I've been watching this Gordon Ramsey, uh, thing on, uh, what do you call it? I think it's on Hulu. Oh, this is the Gordon Ramsey thing. You sent it to me. Oh, okay. This is him gagging. Dude, let me just say this. All right. I'm watching Gordon Ramsey, hell on wheels. Don't know how I got on it. I just started watching it. Gordon Ramsey talks really good shit.

Like he just talks such good shit. Like he'll be like, someone will say good evening. And it'll be like, well, it's an evening, isn't it? But I'd leave the good out. And you're just like, how the fuck did he think of that so quickly? You know? Do you've got potatoes in between your ears? Do you have it's not much of a dance floor it just looks like something you trip on

it's a hazard you're stupid that's why sometimes it's just fucking he just throws all the insults throws all the like the the the slams and just immediate name calling, which is my favorite thing. You know they cut out all the fucking bad shit too. Like now, there could never be a Gordon Ramsay now. This shit started like 2005 was when he started getting famous or something. Never now.

Well, that's because you're a cunt. It would be like, this is a test but he um i i fucking the first episode is hilarious dude season one it's hell on wheels and he goes and he fucking basically goes undercover because people know he's gordon ramsay so he goes undercover because people know he's Gordon Ramsay. So he goes undercover. He gets like, it's like the fucking,

somebody in Hollywood puts makeup all on him and he'll go in as like a fucking longshoreman that's American and with a hat on, on a phone. And he goes and sits down

and orders and they give him food and there's like people from like across the way like filming him and he's eating the, like, let's get the oyster. He's got people with him because they order because they'll recognize his voice.

And they get the oysters, get everything, a bunch of different shit. And then he starts eating it. And then, and then, and, and, and my favorite thing is he'll fucking spit it out. Like how many times in your life have you spit out food in any restaurant ever? Zero, zero, zero times. You just fucking suck it up and eat it. You know what I'm talking about? Unless it's vile.

So he'll go to like restaurants and he'll have his team there going and filming secretly for like weeks. It's like this whole undercover operation and then he shows up with a fake nose and a beard in like overalls and then he'll just like pop up and be like, everyone knives and forks down. First of all, imagine you're just eating at a restaurant and somebody

just stands up looking like, I mean, he dressed like a fucking revolutionary war, uh, LARPer once with his team, everybody knives, forks, utensils down. You'd hit the fucking deck. I'd shit myself. Oh God. It's a civil war all over again. Oh wait, hold on. I'm on the right side.

I'm on the safe side. Um, but this happens and people are like, what? Um, but this happens and people are like, what? And then he's like, as he's taken his nose off and hat, I have eaten some pretty bad shit. But this absolutely is the worst meal I've ever had in my entire fucking life. And I'm 55 years old. And by the end of him talking, it's Gordon Ramsay and all of his makeup and noses are on the ground. And everyone's like, oh, come on, man. And then he says, everyone get, get to, I want you to get everybody out of the kitchen and come back inside. I want to have a chat with everyone. And they just fucking do it.

Dude, if I own the restaurant and some dude did that to me, I don't give a fuck if it's Gordon Ramsay or not. I go like this. Hey, man, you have a lot of explaining to do. Let's go outside. But everyone's just like, oh, Gordon Ramsay's here. Let me go get everybody. Hey, they go in the kitchen.

They're like, Gordon Ramsay's here. We got to go outside. I think. And then you say, what are you talking about? I don't know, but it's not good. Dude, this is your place. This is your restaurant. And you're acting like you're in bitch mode, dude. Imagine you woke up one day and Gordon Ramsay was next to you instead of your wife. And he was just like, had makeup around his face that looked like your wife. And you're like, was just like had makeup around his face that looked like your wife and you're like wait a second he's like get up you've been sleeping in way too late i've been taking care of the baby everyone out to the kitchen now and you're just like okay we gotta get down let me call my real

wife hey babe i'm not gonna be coming home for 24 hours he wants to fix us are you kidding me you'd say yo let's go outside this This is insane. No, I have been tracking the inside of your house for three weeks. We've got it all on video. You're doing everything wrong. And they'll say this to the people in the restaurant. You're doing everything wrong. And they got like surveillance. And it's like, you've got nine rats, food that's old, reheated, you've got tacos from a party that you're trying to put on the menu. One of the fucking cooks has Down syndrome

you don't even know. And he's the best cook. Get out to the kitchen. Everybody out. Even more, the customers are just like, like it's a fucking high school theater play. Who's the weak link? Like it's Game of Thrones.

I just want to be like, hold up, relax. The first episode was great because it was the most Italian dude of all time. They went into an Italian restaurant with the most Italian dude of all time. And the lady in it was like, we've had this restaurant for a long time. And, you know, it was inherited from my father, Frankie. And it was given.

My grandfather, Vinnie, died, gave it to Frankie. And now Frankie runs it with my husband. My father, Frankie, runs it with my husband, Frankie. They're both named Frankie. Oh, it's Italian. Then Frankie comes out. He's like, yeah, what's going on? And fucking.

And Gordon Ramsay's like, this is terrible. And the Italian guy's like, all right, let me ask you a question. Like right away, hot, like an Italian. And I love it, dude, because that's my family. All right, let me ask you a question. He says, how big, hold on, how big is the chip on your shoulder? And the guy's like, let me ask you a question. How big a chip I gotta be? How big of a chip, how big is the chip on your shoulder? And the guy's like, me, it's a question. How big a chip I got to be?

How big of a chip do I got to have? How big of a chip should I have? My father died. I'm feeling my father every day. How big of a chip do I have to have? He's like, listen, do you want my help or not? And then he just softens immediately, flips that Italian switch to off, which is less emotional, but also more emotional.

And he says, I need it more than my life. Dude, it's so funny, dude. I love it because he thinks he knows more than... Oh, dude. Apparently this is it. And if it's not, I'm going to be very mad at Chris.

I'm amazed you can stand up straight. The size of the chip on your shoulder here it is what size chip should i have let me just ask you what size chip should i have let me just ask you dude that's amazing is of the chip on your shoulder so what size chip should i have let me just just action as a fucking my dad put a million dollars in the place and I'm failing Oh, yeah, what chip do you want on no restaurant? No chip No chip because if you're not in that fit state of mind to respect what little customers you have You should be fucking in here Okay, it's Italian shut it down walls are up. I'm gonna give you all I got

I'm gonna give you all I got I'm gonna give it to you in a short amount of time And after that the walls are coming up and I'm shut down You understand me? I blew my fucking ear out over here. That's great. It blew it out That's how that's how I get when I'm Italian, dude. When I'm in Italian, I yell, I blew the fucking ear out of the Beats fucking, not pill, the Beats

headphones. It's all good. I hear it on the right side. It's all good. And it's all better. It's all better. One fire fixed it. One higher. Okay. Okay. The way the walls went up were quicker than the fucking star wars doors no chip because if you're not in that fit state of mind to respect what little customers

you have you shouldn't be fucking in here okay period okay i got a question for both of you here we go you want my help yes or no look yes i do i need it more than my life ah seen so many movies life is a movie for this guy guy watches deniro movies and you're like i mean that's me you know i would do that yeah dude fuck yeah dude italians are where it's at a fucking jerk off. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Italians are where it's at. Fucking jerk off throwing fucking plates. Dude, I love it. I feel home there. Hey, you fucking jerk off. Yeah, you fucking jerk off.

The other guy. That's the other guy. Fucking hostess. Yeah, dude. Throwing plates. I'm fucking stuck here. Yes. Destroying my family.

A monologue in Streetcar Named Desire, dude. I'm fucking stuck here destroying my family. And in the meantime, everyone else is just like, look, you're just serving veal. Just, it's not that, it's just like, it's as big, it's as bad as you make it. I'm stuck here. I'm destroying my family through this uncooked veal. My dad gave me a million dollars. Do you know what it's like to fail your fight every day? Chip on the shoulders the size of Montana.

Fuck you. I love how Italians sing it. I'm fucking stuck here. Destroying my family. This is what you wanted. This is what you dreamed. It's my dream. I fucked everybody. I live with that every day. Un-fucking-believable. Wow.

Wow. Let me tell you something. Here we go. Even though it may appear that all of you have given up. Maybe I'm bitter. Cut him off, dude. The Italian way. The Italian way. The Italian way.

Even though it seems that all of you have given up. I'm going to ask you a question, Gordon. You can say a lot of things about me. I'm a cheat. I'm a liar. I'm a race car driver and I'm a card collector. I also do stamps. But one thing you can't tell me is I ain't never given up.

I live with that every day. Oh, dude, Italians got to live with everything every day. You know what I mean? God damn it. They put the baggage on them. And I got to live with that every day. I got to live with that every day. I got to live with that every day. Sir, you're next, I believe.

He's at Subway. Sorry, it's just sometimes I get the wrong bread. You know I go home. I got to live with that every day. Sir? I think they're calling you. I think it's your thing. That's ready Great. I would like an oatmeal cookie as well. Please. Thank you. You guys have good cookies for some reason Dude I gotta live with that every day. I want to go see dude. Where's my car in the theater?

I walked out halfway through I gotta live with that every day every day of my life so how big of a chip on my shoulder am i supposed to have believable let me tell you something when it cuts him off even though it may appear that all of you have given up maybe i'm bitter hateful and disgusted inside. And it shows. But I never gave up. Don't say I gave up. Streetcar named Desire. Dude, he's crying. Here's the thing, man.

Italians, when you call Italians something, they'll fucking tell you three things that they are. But then they'll disagree with you about the one thing that you called them. It's the most amazing. It is the most Italian thing you could fucking do well you fucking lied Vinny technically you lied I tell you what I may be a disgusting piece of shit

I may be 45 pounds over fucking weight and I may also have taken some flying lessons but one thing I'm not is a goddamn liar. And you're just like, just save it, Vinny. I'm going to list two, three things right now that I am

that you didn't mention, and then I'm going to bring it back home, okay? I'm going to talk about the thing that you said I was. You're just going to forget about it. I'm going to bring it back home. It's going to make it seem like I got more validity in the, you know, when the pendulum swings. You understand? Vinny, Vinny, you're very emotional.

I may work part-time at SeaWorld. Okay? Vinny, Vinny, you're very emotional. I may work part-time at SeaWorld, okay? I may have hair that of a lesbian woke liberal, okay? And I may not be able to moonwalk for shit, but one thing I'm not is emotional. Do you understand me? Is emotional do you understand me? It's disgusting behavior Vinnie Jeff, yeah, he goes on With his hands now he the whole thing about it times is just shift the emotion you scream and then you soften it up You know

That's like it everyone think the Al Pacino. That scream and then you soften it up, you know? That's like, everyone thinks the Al Pacino, that's the thing that fucked it up. That's the thing that fucked up Italians is Al Pacino's acting. In The Godfather, when she was like, when the fucking wife of Al Pacino was you know she's gonna go in and ask him

if he had the hit put out on her fucking dad or whatever it is. And she's like, did you have the hit put out on my dad? And he's just, and you think Pacino's going to be like, oh, you motherfucker. Oh, you don't ask. Oh, you don't talk. Oh, you don't fucking do this. And now Pacino's sitting on a fucking desk with his hands in his pockets and takes a long beat.

And he says, don't ever ask me about my business, Kate. He fucked it up for the rest of the generations to go. Before that, Italians were just fucking screaming everything. Here we go. It's disgusting behavior, Vinny. Did you ever feel your father every day? Did you? I'm asking you a question. My father died 20 years ago. Slammed. question my father died 20 years ago slammed do you ever fight do you ever do you ever feel your father every day i'm mixing your question do you ever fuck do you ever fuck my father has been dead for 20 years okay i'm very sorry for that because dad and mom mean everything to me. If you failed your father every day, let me say it the right way, would you feel good about every day going to work?

If. Would you? If. I'm asking you a question. Trying to take, I like how he's trying to take the conversation home with him. You understand? Gordon Ramsay, you think he's going to ask me something? I got to ask you a few things.

Why do you feel about failing your father, huh? And what's that? I have no idea. It's been there like five or six years. Five or six years? Probably. Because I made it two years since it was here before I got here.

Stay there two seconds. What's in this one? What the fuck is that? This was from a party. Vinnie wanted me to save it. It's tilapia. Cooked tilapia? Yep.

And he brings it back and freezes it? Is he seriously asking to put that on the menu? He wants me to reuse them. I throw them away behind his back. Throw them away. Say that again. The whole family started tying. Throw them away.

I want to throw them away. Dude, throw. Yay, boy, back from a party. Every time I go behind his back, I throw them away. Dude, I cannot believe how fucking Italian this family is. I just cannot believe it dude there's good they got to have like two two three guys named butch in here it's unbelievable i want to watch this whole clip yeah he goes there's nothing wrong with this which is where some of the arguments where the argument starts we escalate there we go and then we got then we come this way there's more no stop you want to Wow.

Such a dick. Such a dick. That's veal. So Italian. How old is that? No I don't know how it got just like this And I don't know how this got in here So Italian What is this? A dressing

That's not the dressing for today That is black mould Just unreal What is this? A dead monkey What is this? That's the monkey we had from the children's party. I was looking for that, actually, to be honest.

I don't know how it got in there. It must be fucking Vinny. He wanted to keep it for something. Maybe I think what he wanted to do was cut the legs off and use them as a wish thing. You can wish on it. Maybe for good luck or something like that. I really don't understand. Let's go ask Vinny.

Hey, Vinny. Hey, Vinnyny what are these monkey paws for makes a question i got four monkey paws all right you calling me what a monkey order i may be early on in my life an insurance salesman i may have been a lightweight training boxer that never made it and I may have eyebrows that connect if I don't pluck them But one thing I'm not is a monkey poor Can you smell that yeah, I can smell it from here So good Yeah, I can smell it from here. Soak it.

Jesus. It's about to throw up. Hey, come here. Bring that. Bring that here. Bring that here. Oh, my God. I said there's something... I said there's something stench of stink and fucking disgust.

A snake. Smell that for me. The whole fucking place is contaminated. Take it away. Yeah, we threw it up. Ew, he threw it up. We are fucked. Wow. That is the worst walking I've ever fucking witnessed.

What a dick. You have lost fucking control. What a dick. I'm getting fucking out of here. What a dick. And you're short. I hope my diet makes these changes last because it'll have a lasting impact. And you're short.

Did you know that? You're too short. You hope my diet makes these changes last because it'll have a lasting impact. And you're short. Did you know that? You're too short. You can barely reach the fucking dressing. You're a short fucking guy. Dude, Gordon Ramsay is such a dick. I love it. What is this? This is the worst walk-in closet I've ever seen in my fucking life.

Look at this. Smell this. This smells like fucking the inside of my anus, after I haven't fucking wiped, and I haven't showered all day, and after I just took a shit, all right, it's absolutely terrible, and look at these peaches over here, they're so bad when you eat them, it makes you literally feel bad about yourself, it's like a mental thing, it doesn't even taste bad, just hours later, it puts you in a depression and it makes you feel like you didn't amount to anything in your life. All right, we're out of here. You've got to fix this.

You're also too short. You're a short guy. Get the keys to my car. Gets in a fucking Lambo. You could never afford this. For the restaurant, for my family. 24 hours for me. But all in all, I think I grew up.

The Italians just think their whole life is a movie. It's amazing, dude. By the way, also, if Gordon Ramsay is in the fucking thing, you don't have to say it contains strong language or like warning this clip contains whatever the whatever the fuck strong language okay cool uh i talked about fucking three things so far this podcast and we're 50 minutes in so i don't know what the fuck you know guys hey you know sometimes we do it long form we do it long form my babies we do it long form i'm a long-form podcaster my goal is to fucking tell you a story once for an hour long

and that's it bro how many guys how many fucking running a restaurant is like got to be one of the hardest things and it's so something that guys who fucking are like fail at everything thinks that they can do you know it's like that's one of those things that like is like being a comedian like there are so many guys that just get on stage that are that are like all right nothing else worked out i guess i'll go up there and tell jokes and you're just like oh you don't get it you don't get it it's too hard it's hard. To try and fucking do stand-up and become successful and not get canceled. You know what I mean?

And like... I'm sorry, little kids. Hey, guys. That's it for YouTube. If you want to see the rest of the episode, head on over to our Patreon where you could get the rest of the episode and it's uncut and all that.

It's over at patreon.com slash chrisd the episode and it's uncut and all that. It's, it's over at patrion.com slash Chris D'Elia. And it's also got other stuff like the back episodes that you missed out only on Patreon. You get access to all that and also other things that, uh, I put up, um, that is exclusive to Patreon.

So I appreciate you, uh, either way, but, uh, thanks. Thanks again. I'm rolling, rolling, rolling. Taking liberties.