Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 2. Ultra

Episode Date: February 7, 2017

Chris discusses something he hates: sports games that end in ties. Other topics on today's episode: liking Joe Buck, new planes vs. old planes, Tom Hanks, overly sensitive gun owners, Beyoncé (Bey v. Yoncé) and (surprise) 2 things in movies that Chris hates. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of america express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply I can't drive with my own fucking car. All right. Hey, guys. Week two of this here. Thought the last episode was going to be the second episode. Last episode was the first episode,

which means there's a ghost episode out there that you'll never hear. But whatever. Maybe I'll make it come out at some point, you know, like cut it together and do a little best of if this hits, you know, 100 episodes or something like that. But let's not make our goals too lofty and just what's up? Welcome to congratulations. And I'm Chris D'Elia. And I'm here and uh dude this is like uh this is like pretty good for me because oh by the way it's echoey a little bit and we're gonna take care of that next week uh i know uh it's a little echoey

but i got a bunch of i'm getting these 24 i'm getting 24 of these fucking great like sound things and i'm to hang them up. And so that'll take care of that, I think. And if that doesn't work, then I'm just going to cover myself in blankets and do it under it like I'm four years old. And I built a tent in my house with a flashlight. And that'll take care of it. But yeah, so that's what's up. I'm back in town. I was in Minneapolis and also Indianapolis and also Chicago.

And I am still prepping for my hour that I'm going to shoot in Vancouver on the 24th, I think. And so it's going well. I did show in minneapolis uh at a college which was cool it was kind of like a fucking cafeteria when you get to these college gigs uh you never know what kind of room you're going to end up playing sometimes you literally are playing in a library and people are trying to read as well and study which by the way don't have a library anymore because also there's the internet but uh these colleges have libraries and sometimes you're performing in like cafeterias and shit or in the science room and uh but no it's pretty good the the class came the the school came out it was awesome college kids got to get their lighting right

though you know whenever i get to a college gig it's like some like you know nervous 19 year old that's like oh thanks for coming we you know we booked we really wanted to book in and you're here now and so if there's anything you need let us know and i'll say something like very easy i'll be like oh yeah well uh maybe a coffee and i'll be like oh okay um okay. Um, Oh, okay. Well, let me, let me, um, okay. Yeah. That's what the quote is that. And then I'll be, and then I'll wait and then he'll leave for a while, come back with no coffee, never mentioned the coffee. And then, and then the show will start and it's fine. Cause he's a kid and I don't want to fuck with them and be like, where the fuck is my coffee? Cause I'm not a diva. I don't give a shit really that much it just he offered so whatever but that happens all the time and so um so anyway you get out there

and then i'm like can we just make it as dark as possible you got to tell these guys to do it as dark as possible because if not you'll get out there and it'll be like oh this isn't a show all 1 000 of us are getting abducted because that's what it feels like because the fucking light is so bright out there because they don't know how to run a show, which why would they? They just are in charge of the entertainment shit. Then they're 19. They don't know how to fucking set up a show, which I don't blame them. So you get out there and they did. They made it as dark as possible, but they can never make it as dark as possible because there's always emergency lights on.

Because it's a college and they need to have like safety rules and shit. So I was out there doing a show and it was like pitch black for the front half and the back half. There were like 500 kids in this fucking bright light that was like this safety light. And so I was doing crowd work to the kids in the fucking back which i've never done before because usually you just do crowd work to the people up front but anyway um that show was great then i did an indiana show in indianapolis uh which was awesome uh a theater there who know the egyptian room and ind Indianapolis came out, man. It was awesome. And then I did Chicago for two shows at the Vic, which is maybe arguably my favorite theater in America that I've done. I wanted to shoot my special there,

but it was just everyone shoots their special there. So I'm doing it in Vancouver. And I'm ready. I'll be in Atlanta the end of this week. Or maybe last week. I don't know when this podcast coming out but anyway it's cold as fuck dude it's cold as fuck everywhere but but like it feels like LA like I get to these places and it's like yeah we're you're you're

in Minneapolis and it's it's literally 12 degrees it's 12 fucking Minneapolis and it's literally 12 degrees. It's 12 fucking degrees and it's February, which is fine. I know that's the cold month. But like, and I get people grow up there and they get used to it and shit like that. But I can't imagine living in a place that's fucking, that gets 12 degrees. The second LA got 12 degrees, I'm out, dude. I'm out. Dude, you don't understand. I blast my heat in my hotel room no matter what the fuck temperature it is because it's always cold in hotel rooms. I'm like a girl. You know how girls are always cold? You know when girls, when like you're like, when you're starting to hang out with a girl and like, you're like,

oh, she's awesome. And you're, and then, and then like you're watching TV one night, you get to the point where you're just like lounging and then she just cuddles up on you and then her hand feels like a fucking penguin like it's so cold that's how cold i am always and i always make my hotel room 80 fucking degrees and anytime i open her comes in they're like oh come on i'm like this is how it is. You fucking work for me. You sit here and you hang out and we lose some weight. But so, so yeah, it's, it's, I don't understand this. I don't understand.

I don't understand being in a place that's cold. I love Chicago, but man, fuck that dude. Be in LA only. You know what I mean? And don't even be in Miami either because Miami is always warm. But fuck those 30-minute torrential downpours. You'll be hanging out. You'll go to a fucking radio shack to get some bullshit. And then you come out of a radio shack and there's cars flying by in the air because it's like a scene from Twister.

And you've got to just wait inside the radio shack for 30 minutes. Like, yeah, the cars will stop fucking flying around because it's just these storms last 23 minutes fuck that oh you live in a oh you live in a place where it'll it'll torrentially down rain will torrentially downfall, downpour. You know what I'm trying to say. Oh, for 23 minutes? Ah, nah. Oh, dude. Oh, dude. Really quick?

I won't live there. Yeah, really quick? Oh, I'll live in a place that doesn't have that. Because there are places like that in the world. So live those places. Oh, but your family grew up? Oh, but your family grew up? You grew up there and your family's there?

I'll move them. Oh, your family's staying there? Oh your family grew up you grew up there and your family's there i'll move them oh your family's staying there oh i'll go somewhere else i know i know that's a little bit of a like harsh stance but fuck that um i went to miami though once i did a show and I didn't know it was going to land on, I think it's called Ultra, the fucking EDM festival. First of all, Miami, don't have a festival because you're Miami. Indianapolis, have a festival because people don't have anything to do there really. I mean, i'm not really that sorry saying that but like miami having a festival is like is like doing cocaine on cocaine like you can do some cocaine and then you're at the top of your shit and then you're like let's do more cocaine like you're good just chill don't do that don't do more right miami a festival in miami is like that one

person who is like just way too drunk and ruins the night like there's fucking four or five guys and you're out having a good time and everyone's like this drunk and they're like yo man fucking so fun dude dude remember when tommy did this shit and he fucking did that and that was so funny his dad came in a room that's fine that's miami but then there's the other guy that's like yo dude you fucking know what the fuck dude you trying to talk this shit man fuck that guy and he's pointing at a guy over there and he's like fuck him man you see the way he fucking bumped into this shit and that's what miami and a festival is it fun. Dudes with shirts off and so many tattoos. By the way, the dudes are short as fuck and buff with pink board shorts on.

Bye. Oh, you got pink board shorts on? You're 4'6 and you're wider than you are tall? Bye. Ultra, dude. Ultra. It's called ultra they literally were like we're gonna have a festival in miami what should we call it and before they got to the word it they were like what should we call it and they and some guy goes like this ultra obviously oh a festival in my ultra some guy goes ultra because that's the most namey name there is and they'll be like what if

there's a torrential downfall downpour what how much downpour what if there's a torrential downpour for 23 minutes and they'd be like fuck it dude it's ultra sunglasses on doesn't matter is it nighttime doesn't matter sunglasses on hey dude do you have your sunglasses no can't get an ultra then why because it's ultra the rain's coming who cares leave your sunglasses on all right fine it's it's not even going to hit me for a long time anyway i'm four six i6". I'm drowning because I'm too short. It's all good. Just stand on me.

Now both of us together are 6'5". That song, Until May. That song plays until May. That's how long the song is. That's how long the song is. It how long the song is It plays until May I don't give a fuck what month it is It plays until May If it's May it plays until next May

So that's Miami And I can't even do it I did a show in Miami I did two shows in Miami And one time and I was like I'm just going to play Fort Lauderdale from now on. I'm not ultra. I am not ultra.

So yeah, so we did the shows in Chicago and it was fun. Had some good openers there. And now I'm back in LA and I caught the end of the Super Bowl, which was, i'm not a football guy um by any means i'm not a sports guy if you know anything about me you know that i can't get into something i can't get into something that where there are teams it's just that's i'm not into teams like if if i can lose a game and blame it on someone else then it's their fault it doesn't make me feel like i'm not into teams like if if i can lose a game and blame it on someone else then it's their fault it doesn't make me feel like i'm like oh you fucked up bro if i'm the tight end or whatever the fuck or you know and then we lose i could be like yeah it was a quarterback's fault

you know but if i'm if i'm doing uh if like that why, like bowling is cool because it's just you. But also, but also, it's not cool. But it is because it's just you. Like MMA is cool. It's just you. I mean, even though you got the coach and that's important. I understand that. Or the trainer or whatever the fuck.

But yeah, I just can't get into a team sport because who cares? Because it's it's everyone else's fault if we lose that's that's how my ego works um but i sat and i watched the end of it and uh patriots came back and they won and um joe buck is incredible though. Joe Buck is incredible. I am a big Joe Buck fan and it's because I feel like I don't know this because I don't know anything about sports, but I feel like people totally don't like Joe Buck. I feel like people are so angry. I feel like if I feel like Joe Buck has the job and he, and he has the job, but he wouldn't have won the popular vote to get the job. That's how I feel like Joe Buck is.

And everyone is like, fuck this. No, we don't like Joe Buck, but he's still there because like the people in charge voted for him. And he's just like, I feel like Joee buck will be like now that's some football and you're like well yeah because the plant football but he um and he's got that show too uh undeniable it's called i think on the audience channel and i leave it on because god the balls you have to have to call your show undeniable the the fucking balls that's that's actually you know what that's the fucking that's what the festival in miami should be called

undeniable and joe buck should be out there and he'll be like now that's what the festival in miami should be called undeniable and joe buck should be out there and he'll be like now that's a rave um but yeah he's got a boat where he's like an intimate thing i don't know why everybody wants everybody to get intimate what the fuck is that dude what the fuck is that why does everybody want everybody else to get intimate and then be like oh it was a great episode no matter what the fuck the guy does everyone wants them to get intimate joe buck has a fucking football player on there and and he's crying because of something that happened in his childhood his dad took the ball away or something and that's what made him a football player the last thing i want to watch is dennis rodman crying i don't want to watch dennis rodman crying i don't give a fuck about that i want to watch dennis rodman talking about north korea

that's what i want to watch about remember when that shit happened and he was talking all about how he was like he played in north korea and everyone was so mad dude i don't give a fuck about what the fuck they got the manager of the dallas cowboys talking about and then when i was 11 oh i don't give a. I don't care when you were 11. I don't care, dude. I swear to God we're a second away from having a show that gets the guy from Cake Boss on it talking about what happened when he was 14. And that's why he makes cakes. Why does everyone want to get every... Everyone wants everyone else to get intimate.

Fuck that. I'm down for a silly goose time. And that's it. Everybody talks about comedians. Oh, it's great. He got personal. I guess so. I guess so.

I mean, the best comedians can be personal, but still be funny. But who gives a shit? Why? What is it about that? I don't know what it is. It's so crazy to me. It's so crazy to me. I don't know. Some of the the best funniest shows are not like that like um always sunny in philadelphia isn't like that it's fucking hilarious i loved it

but people love that shit man insight to who you are i guess relate relatability i guess i don't know we're all fucked up. I guess that's how it makes us feel. Okay, good. I can be fucked up if the guy from Cake Boss is up here crying on Undeniable. Undeniable. Everybody wants somebody to be. But anyway, so the Patriots came back, which was crazy, man. I wanted Atlanta to win just because, I mean, I don't give a fuck. You know what? I want whatever team has the ball to win. That's what I want. Cause I want some good down to earth smash mouth football.

I don't know what that means, but that's what I want. I heard a guy say, I heard Joe Buck say it. Um, and, but my favorite thing about my, my least favorite,

here's what I, here's what I don't like about, here's what I fucking can't stand about football. And, and this is what, this is what, there's a lot of, there's a lot of sports that do this. And I'm done with this shit. You play four quarters.

And then the team with the higher score wins. Then if it's a tie, you have to play more, which is not okay. You decide who wins at the end of the game, no matter what. In my world, that's how it goes. If I was the fucking commissioner of football or whatever that guy is up there, I go like this. It's over. And they say, but it's a tie. I say, then we look who played better.

And that's it. If the game is as long as the game, then that's it. You don't fucking tie and then say, well, okay, but okay, well, let's just play a little bit longer. Then that's not how long the game is. Baseball goes into extra innings? No. you look at the fucking whoever got more hits then oh okay the game's over but well we'll keep playing until someone else scores then why don't you just play until someone scores start the game play until someone scores that's the winner the game was 14 seconds that's it you're telling me you don't know how long the game's going to be.

I'm going to play indefinitely? That's basically what you're saying. No. Fuck that. I got shit to do. Fuck that. I'm going to sit down and watch a four-hour game, and then if it's not over, I'm going to watch more? Eat my dick. Straight up. Here's what I hate even more than football. straight up here's what i hate even more than football soccer so okay so the fucking game is four quarters you son of a bitch and then it's three to three which by the way is too low of a score add more goals make them on the sides or some shit. Have Romano Fellini kick a fucking goal to the side of it and be like, Hey, but that side of the goal, I'm going to go for the side one. Romano Fellini is going to fucking kick past Alfonso Conchanzo and he's going to fucking score

there's seven goals. That's the new game. There's seven goals and the end of the game is going to be fucking 127 to 114. And either the Italians or the fucking Brazilians are going to win. And that's it. And if it's tied, the game

is over. You look at the team who had the least least fouls or made the least errors or whatever the fuck who if alfonso felini is injured then the fucking brazilians win okay but oh you're gonna fucking stop the game when it's tied two to two eat my dick and then abandon the game and just have a shootout oh hey the game's over now let's just kick and try and score goals are you fucking kidding me dude that is actually so disrespectful to hockey or uh to well hockey does it too to fucking soccer fans no dude all right hey dude all right the game's over dude we tried it's one to one or better yet it's zero to zero zero pull my eyeballs out if it's zero to zero dude pull my eyeballs out if

it's zero to zero and i watched the game for 14 hours because they're way too long. And now have the goalie just stand here. By the way, goalie, as if it's not disrespectful enough, put these fucking big ass Mickey Mouse gloves on and guard your little Italian dick and balls. Dude, that's so disrespectful. Hey, hey, guy from Brazil. We're going to have fucking five Italians rocket a multicolored soccer ball into your fucking Brazilian dick and balls. So put on these Mickey Mouse gloves and guard your five-inch cock.

Dude, that's the new game? That's the new game. They basically say, fuck soccer, guard your balls. We're going to have five Italians rock it up. Hey, guy from Nigeria, guard your 12 inch cock. Oh shit, man. While fucking seven guys from Croatia rock rocket. No dude. No, that's the game then. Then that's the game. That's the game then. Shootout.

That's what you call it. You call the game shootout. God, I fucking hate that. Oh, we're going to... Dude, if I was a Martian and I came to Earth and I watched soccer and then the game's over and I was like, well, that was a good game. And then somebody who was here was like, no you gotta you gotta we gotta keep going like what do you mean the game you said the game would be four quarters and they were like well but it's tied what is this tie look at how many injuries there are or how many good you know how many

attempts or assists or whatever the fuck and then they say oh no we're just gonna do a shootout and i say but that's a different game fuck that you're take me into your leaner and then i get to the leader shrink him down and then leave i'm not doing that shit man that's bullshit dude that's so fucked up dude for real i think that's fucked up change the game um so yeah so that's what that's what happened dude and that was the first like uh whatever they call it uh fifth quarter or sudden death in Super Bowl history. 52 years or whatever. That's crazy.

That was a hard stat to believe. So, yeah, that's what happened. And that's my rules on sports, I think. That's my rules on sports, I think. So I flew back from Chicago. I used to hate flying, actually, and now I love it because you can just zone out. You literally can't do anything, and you just have to sit there and watch, like, Keeping Up with the Joneses or whatever the fuck, not, not whatever that there's some movie, you got to watch a movie. You have to, if you're lucky enough to get one of the planes that, by the way, it's bullshit that you can pay for a flight and you don't know if

you're going to get a plane that's new or from 1967. You, you, it's like, oh yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Uh, you know, if you're on first class you pay a fucking shitload of money and you might get a pod with a curtain and a fucking like unlimited hot cocoa and a fucking like a lady that'll literally be on call to suck your dick or a plane from 1967 that reclines an inch and a half and you have to hold a chicken. You know what I mean? We're like, oh, it's just part of it. Sorry, we need to transport these chickens.

And you're like, oh, go fuck yourself. I paid $4,000 for this. Give me the plane from 2019. It's bullshit. It's fucking utter bullshit. So I got, I was lucky enough to get a good plane where I got a good seat. I sat next to the guy who, by the way, if it wasn't the guy next to me, it was the guy behind me or the guy in front of me was lighting it up, dude. He farted every, every 40 minutes and I would just have to fucking duck into my sweater.

every 40 minutes and i would just have to fucking duck into my sweater and i mean dude this guy was lighting it up i mean i'm not even trying to be funny he was lighting it up i couldn't even believe it dude um and i was trying to sit there eating my stuffed pepper fuck you with your stuffed pepper they'll do that they'll get cute with one they'll be like for your choice of food is either chicken um or an ahi tuna salad or we have a pepto-bismol shrimp and you're like uh you know you're a fucking airplane why don't you cut the funding for the peptto-Bismol shrimp and get a fucking place where you can hold this goddamn chicken I have to hold. Do you know what I'm talking about? Fucking make, put the money into the goddamn reclining on the seats.

Fucking bullshit. So, so now I'm on this plane. I got a good one. It was probably made in like not you know 2009 or something and it's got all the categories of the movies i could watch it'll be like it's funny though they try to they try to make it they always try to make it better than they do they'll be like new release it you want to watch new releases and you go and the new releases will be like dream girls the movie with fucking eddie murphy from 2005 you're like new releases but uh no they did they had some new releases and i was like um so i picked inferno that's a flight movie if i've ever heard of one that's a flight move that's a movie you watch on

on a plane the tom hanks third installment to the fucking da vinci code code third installment inferno with tom hanks and whoever like the new hot young sexy actresses that's what that movie is like there's no like if you have a movie with tom hanks trying to find out fucking riddles and solve clues you don't you don't get a you by the way it's felicity jones who's who's beautiful she's great. She was really good. She's in a bunch of shit. I'm not trying to... I think she's a great actress and she's beautiful. But that's so who is going to play that role. They get a British or wherever she's from.

She's not American. There's no fucking way they'd get an American for that. There's no way in hell. Some producer was like, well, what about... And they said an American girl. And they literally shot him in the fucking head. And it was legal. And they had a court hearing about it and they were like well he did mention you know there is a law you can shoot the producer if he does mention to hire an american actress on

the third installment of the da vinci code movie when you already have tom hanks running around fucking istanbul um so it's so obvious that they had to pick a fucking felicity jones just the metrics and the whole system that's how it came that came to be uh so they got her and they and they and they got him i'm gonna fix this microphone hold on because i gotta sit differently so uh they they got this and i turned it on and I was like, oh, that's the movie you watched. That's the flight movie. So I turned it on and I saw Da Vinci Code,

which was fine. I read the book, which was awesome. I don't give a fuck. It was a pulp read, but it was awesome. And then I didn't watch Angels and Demons because I don't need to see that again. I'm sure it was cool or whatever. But then I – and it was a plane.

I was on a plane. I was like, oh, let's watch Inferno. So I watched the movie and it was – I think Tom Hanks is – I mean he's so fucking good. I can't even like wrap my head around it. I thought he was great in the movie with the captain. What's it called? The captain movie? Captain Jones or Captain?

Sully? No, no. Sully was the airplane one. The captain. The one where he got, you know what I'm talking about. Captain, where the guys took over the boat. Anyway, Captain Phillips. And he was fucking amazing i mean

that last scene of him where he's like in shock and he's just like i i i i i was like oh he's the best he he's he's unbelievable um and but but but that wasn't what made me think he might be the greatest actor of all time what made me think he might be the greatest actor of all time. What made me think he might be the greatest greatest actor of all time was when I watched Sully, which was, he played a, well, I don't know who, how Sully is in real life, but he lived, he legitimately played the most boring character in the world, but made it so interesting. I mean, he played a boring guy. Let's face it. A pilot who's like 60 with a mustache is boring. I know that's a sweeping generalization, but show me the guy that's a pilot with a mustache. That's just like some white guy. That's not boring. I'm being prejudiced 100%.

But he played this guy and he played a boring guy. I don't know if the real Sully's boring, but like it was so good. He was so good that he played this guy and fucking killed it. I mean, the movie was fine. It was good. It was good. And he was great. And I was like, this guy's on another level to play a boring ass motherfucker and kill it you know um so i watched

inferno and oh my oh my i mean this movie i don't even know i don't even know maybe i'm a dumb fuck but i didn't even know what the fuck these clues that they left they might have been speaking another in a language i didn't know what the fuck they were talking about and this this movie did the two things that i that i hate their devices that i i i hate they're so overused and i hate the the most i'll say first which is the character like something loud happens while a character's doing something like a train goes by and then it fucking he has like a violent flashback because of it where he has to like kneel down and then he remembers like and you get like an image like a train goes like kneel down and then he remembers like and you get like

an image like a train goes by it's like and then he's like and he kind of like kneels or grabs a table and then we see like an image of like a hooded guy in a field and we're like what was it what's that and then it goes back and he's like grabbing the table and he's like and then we find out the fucking who the hooded guy is later on in the movie. Drives me nuts. Why do you need a train to go by to have the guy have a flashback? Just have a fucking flashback. What the fuck's the difference? Why does a bird need to go, ah? And then you're like, ah, ah, ah.

And then you see him as a kid and the mom's pouring him some water. And she's like, now drink it. Now drink it. And then later on you find out that it was like poisoning him or some shit well you need a bird to call to have that shit happen just have the fucking flashback or i don't i don't like that that drives me nuts here's the other one here's the other one that i don't like a guy who sees something and then and then wipes his eyes and he his eyes and looks and it's not there.

That drives me nuts. And this movie had both of those things. That drives me nuts. I don't even really want to explain it more. It's just like, come on, movies. How many movies are doing that shit? Where he's just like, what the fuck? And they see a guy and a snake comes out of his back and then bites him on the neck and he's like and he looks and

the guy's not there and he's just at home in his study and he's like i better keep googling this shit to find out the bottom bottom line i don't like that but the movie was just um it wasn't for me man that being said i would have fucking killed a family member to be in that movie that would have been awesome to be in a fucking inferno with tom hanks and running around fuck that i'll put on a wig and be felicity jones tom hanks is awesome dude you know what was good in that movie was that guy in Life of Pi. That 60-year-old, a fearer, whatever the hell his name is. Really good. That guy was fucking awesome.

Anyway, I saw that and then I turned on Born Identity and it was like, oh, I'm watching too many guys have flashbacks. They had the Born Supremacy or whatever the fuck the last one was. Born Ultimatum. Born Ultra. It took place in Miami during the festival. Bourne, you know what it was called? Bourne Undeniable.

And he had to fucking go find out Joe Buck. He had to go find Joe Buck. Where he would have a flashback and then Joe Buck would be interviewing Matt Damon. And Matt Damon was crying. And then he found him at the end and fucking killed Joe Buck and then everyone else everyone who fucking voted for the popular vote was so happy um so yeah I watched that uh and I got only halfway through it and then the plane landed I didn't know I don't I don't know about dude I don't I'm I think I'm really dumb dude I don't

get movies man you got to explain the shit to me so hard. The movie's got to be just about some basic shit. It literally has to be about a guy. The movie has to be called Sitting Down. And it's about a guy who just takes a seat and then has a relationship with a girl that's totally straightforward. And then that's it. No flashbacks.

The second there's a flashback, I'm lost. I'm like, who was that guy? Was that him? Was that his mom? who was the girl that brought him the water i'm gone i'm gone i'm a fucking idiot um so i watched both of those and i love matt damon i look by the way there's a scene in in the fucking born ultimatum where matt damon just goes i love he he punches the shit it's the first scene where he has to fight this guy and he just walks right up to him and punches him.

Every dude loves that scene. Because it's like, fuck yeah, I would do that. But it would not be that way. Yeah. So that's it. About the Bourne. Undeniable. And then that's it.

And then so that's what I watched. And then I got home. And then that's it. So that's what I watched when I got home. Oh, you know what else I was thinking about? Which is hilarious to me. Is that I saw this picture. Oh, by the way, you know what i'm fucking sick of is uh when i i had this i had this uh i posted

this thing let me talk about this actually this i wanted to talk about this i posted this thing on instagram let me pull it up it was a sometimes if you know if you follow me on instagram you know my shit uh i do these rants these long fucking rants that um on um making fun of these pictures it usually has to do with fashion or a couple being like too annoyingly cute um and uh and i'll be like hey make fun i'll make fun of the hey guy don't wear this fucking hat it's like a hat with like fucking four bills or something and a tail and i'll i'll tag it congratulations world and i do it i do it all the time all the time and i did this one you can go back and look it was it was a week ago or something two weeks ago i don't know uh and i and these people driving with

holding their guns and they have these watches on that are like these fancy watches and these these starbucks or these coffees and the picture is so douchey it's just so funny like and they got these fancy watches on and they got the guns and just they posed to take the picture it just looks douchey and um i made fun of it i did one of those rants where i was like oh it's so funny these guys will shoot you fashionably not only will they kill you i'll drive i'll drive by your place after stopping at starbucks and shoot you with my girlfriend like you know dumb shit but i thought it was funny this guy who i don't even, I don't know his name

or whatever, but he's got a bunch of followers on Instagram. I think his name is Colin or something. I don't know. But, uh, he like reposted and he was like, he's a, he was like, this is not funny gun rights, you know? And I looked at his page and I was like, Oh, this fucking guy, like every other post was him shooting a gun, which is fine. And I wasn't making fun of, I wasn't even saying don't have a gun. I was literally, let me tell you something. If they didn't have these watches on in this photo, I wouldn't have fucking made fun of the photo.

It wouldn't have been funny if they were just holding the guns. It literally had nothing to do with them having guns. It was just making a joke. And I was ranting. And these fucking gun rights people, dude. I mean, it was amazing. They lit me up on his page

and uh and dude i don't even give a fuck that much about that like about the shit like hat i don't give a fuck i just thought it was a douchey photo like these guys had to take the photo like oh imagine these people taking the photo oh baby put your gun right here i'll put your gun right here and make sure you show your watch and i'm going to try and snap this photo of the both of us here like this that's fucking stupid i don't care about your gun you're an idiot um and then they loaded it and then apparently this guy was like this was a movement that people were trying to do that were like gun activists that were saying like, you know, this hashtag, they were trying to make it sound, say like, oh, you don't know the movement, which is called

steel waiting. Oh, that's very dumb. Oh, that makes it worse though. About how guns don't kill people. It's, it's the people that do it that are mentally unstable that do it and and we're saying like we're still waiting for the for the guns to go off because i'm a gun owner and i don't know how to you know and i didn't i'm a gun owner and i would never use it irresponsibly which i get which okay cool but don't call it steel waiting because that's

very very stupid steel waiting dude oh you try to make it better but you have a fucking dorky pun or whatever the fuck you call it play on words bye i get it man i get it i get it nobody thinks a gun can kill somebody if the gun isn't held by someone. I get it. Have your gun. Do it. Do target practice. Protect yourself. But if I'm making fun of a picture that's douchey, that has guns in it, and you take it seriously, guess what? You're a fucking problem. You dummy. Yeah, you're also getting mad at the wrong guy, dude. You're getting mad at the wrong guy. I'll make fun of anything. I make fun of a guy with a fucking hat on. I'll make fun of a guy with an oversized coat on and a hat on. I make fun of a guy with a fucking hat on.

I'll make fun of a guy with an oversized coat on and a hat on. We don't have people saying hashtag and hats of America. Like not cool, dude. Because they know it was a joke. Yeah, that was crazy though, man. I kind of love it though. I love it. Because these guys just fucking...

They go nuts, man. And then I'm like, it makes me giggle, dude. It makes me giggle in my hotel room in Indianapolis. Yeah. It's just too much, man. This internet shit, man. This internet shit. man. This internet shit. And then what blew up on Instagram was Beyonce's photo.

Beyonce does shit. I swear to God, man. Beyonce's the woman. The strong woman, you know, that like doesn't stand for shit, doesn't need a man. Get it. We get it. She's her own woman she's amazing so empowering to women and her own brand and a phenomenal singer i mean let's end a great just she's great uh but it's so funny that beyonce will take a picture on top of a fucking beat up old like ford or whatever the fuck and pregnant and naked and holding her titties and people will be like go yay and then if like a girl popular on

instagram did that with 700 000 followers people would be like slut shaming her. That's hilarious to me. People are who you want them to be in your mind. They're not who they are. You fucking assholes. You know what I mean? People will look at Beyonce and be like, you go, yay.

You don't need anybody to tell you you can't do that shit. Or bae, right? Bae, not yay. Yay is Kanye. Oh, whatever. You go, bae. Beyonce. You go, Beyonce.

Hey, use the whole name. Some people call her bae and some people call her Beyonce. Just put it together, asshole, and say Beyonce. And also, dude. Beyonce just put it together asshole and say Beyonce and also dude but yeah that's that that drives me crazy that people are just who you want them to be because you made it up in your head you would take a fucking girl who posts asshole shots literally or I saw a girl on instagram once post her a picture of her in tights in this chain link fence and the holes in the chain link fence were bigger than normal and she sat up against the chain link fence and and had it so one of the links in the chain links were in was in her ass crack and her

butt cheeks were coming out inside the through the holes of the chain link fence and and i guess some guys were like wow that's hot and then some girls were like what a fucking slut all i could think was when i saw that picture is how much actual shit now is are on her pants because of the chain link vent pushing it in her asshole and if if beyonce did that people will be like you go yonce you don't need no man you leave your man if you wanna. Go ahead and smash a fire hydrant. Go ahead, Yonce.

Get that shit in those neon tights. Like, come on, dude. Come on. You don't get to fucking make up who people are in your own head. You got to fucking... God, it drives me nuts, man. Also, who... Look, she's amazing. She figured life out, apparently.

I actually think she's fucking super talented. But out apparently. And I, you know, I actually think she's fucking super talented, but who the fuck takes a picture on a car with like a veil over her head and like holding her titties to send out to Instagram to be like, hey guys, I'm pregnant. Yo, that's in, that's, that's wild, dude. That's like a dream you would have. And you'd wake up and you'd be like, dude, I had this fucking crazy dream where like Yonce was sitting on a fucking old broken down Chevelle with a bunch of flowers around her and a veil over her face and body and holding her titties and she was pregnant. Also, I love that.

I love that like so many women left,, probably left their man after Beyonce came out with that song where Jay-Z cheated on her. And it literally probably inspired thousands of women to leave their man. And because like, fuck him, I don't need this guy anymore. He cheats on me. And then Beyonce was like, stayed with her man. their man and because like fuck him i don't need this guy anymore he cheats on me and then and then beyonce was like stayed with her man and and not only that is pregnant and not only that is pregnant with twins jay-z was like yeah you ain't going nowhere here's two and like had an orgasm in her pussy and was like, there's two, you ain't going nowhere.

And then probably left and was like, got to go work. And then made a song about bitches. That's the best, dude. And then Beyonce goes up and is like, fuck it, I'm announcing I'm pregnant. I'm gonna hold my titties. And everyone's like, fuck it, I'm announcing I'm pregnant. I'm going to hold my titties. And everyone's like, you go, Beyonce. It's such a weird world we live in, man. By the way, I think she should do that if she wants to.

I think she should fucking do that if she wants to. The girl can fucking put her asshole up against the chain link fence if she wants to. I don't give a fuck. But like, just shut the fuck up about it shut the fuck up about one thing's good and the other thing's bad just because it's a different person or maybe that's right dude maybe that's right maybe you build up enough clout in the social media world or in your fucking personal world where you can do a shot like that and it's okay

maybe they're right maybe you're right maybe i have no i fucking deal what i'm talking about you know i don't know actually now that i think about it um maybe that is how it should be i don't know fuck uh but yeah so that's about it well we covered a lot of shit no it's 50 minutes about so uh i think that that's that might be good for episode two or whatever episode this is uh talked about the patriots winning atlanta i wanted atlanta to win though because i'm gonna go i'm i like atlanta i go there a lot to perform yeah uh next week when's this one gonna come out okay cool so yeah i'll be there i'll be there uh in atlanta maybe when this comes out but um so uh yeah february uh 10th i think i'm in atlanta uh and then uh so yeah you can go i think it's sold out

i'm doing two shows but you can check chrisalia.com for that i got a bunch of tour dates rolling up i got a raleigh rally i think i said rally last time i don't think that's right i think it's raleigh north carolina um and then um raleigh and and virginia beach virginia beach yeah and uh also uh a bunch of other ones australia and uh vancouver and um vancouver's where i'm shooting my special vancouver's where i'm shooting my special i think that's might be sold out maybe maybe there's tickets left on the second showing i'm shooting both of those though people always say are you shooting early one or the later one both of them uh both of them and then seattle i think that might be sold i don't know whatever um but go check and tweet me hashtag congratulations pod if you got some questions or

that maybe i can talk you know if you want me to talk about something if i get enough of a certain of a certain thing i might bring it up on the next podcast so this has been episode two um this one was 48 minutes uh 49 minutes and uh we're gonna get in you know this is still the beginning but uh and then next time i do this i do a show here uh doing um next episode will be less echoey i'm sorry about the echo but i got fucking so many egg crate fucking sound things coming it's going to be insane and uh if that doesn't work i'm just going to get all my fat dude friends to come stand in here while i talk and have them be quiet so all the sound will just fucking absorb in their fucking fat bellies so lost the whole audience right there at the end um and so and there and there's that and then i got some la dates too everyone's always asking

me when i'm they're tweeting me don't tweet me if i'm in i'm always in la i don't put those dates on my website just go to the comedy store.com or the laugh factory.com sometimes i'm at the improv.com um so that's that and then um i guess that's it i got uh an episode coming out on the great indoors with joe mckale i played his rival in an episode of that coming out and uh so be on the lookout for that it's on cbs that was a lot of fun and uh my new special is coming out in of fun. And my new special's coming out this summer. This summer, my new special's coming out. And then oh, another movie coming out this summer on Netflix called Little Evil.

So that's about it, man. Thanks for listening. This is Congratulations with Chris D'Elia. You guys are the best. And tweet me and use that hashtag congratulations pod. Thanks a lot, guys. You