Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 20. Unreal Pants

Episode Date: June 13, 2017

We made it to the 20th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about wearing white pants. Also discussed: more stories about crazy people at the Coffee Bean (surprise!), LL Cool J, the Indy 500, people who like everything, receiving surprise packages, the Amber Rose challenge, and a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate and review on iTunes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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you can pay your friends back your family your co-workers lizards anyone if if a lizard has square cash you can do that um you can you could pay the lizard back sending and receiving money is totally free and fast and most fast and most payments they uh they can be deposited directly in your bank account in seconds that's seconds so download the free square cash app for ios or android pronto do it now in fact Hey guys, what's up? Welcome to the 20th podcast, the 20th episode of Congratulations, the podcast. I never thought we'd make it to 20, but that's a lie. I kind of actually thought maybe we'd make it to 20. But nonetheless, here's 20.

And, you know, today I got to tell you, I woke up a little under the weather, and I didn't feel very good at all. I was supposed to go to an appointment and I had to cancel it. And I did. I canceled the appointment and my agents and my managers were angry with me. But I didn't do it. I said, I can't do it. I'm bedridden. But I'm here still recording the podcast for you, my babies, because 20 can't wait. The 20th episode can't wait. according to podcast for you, my babies, because 20 can't wait. The 20th episode can't wait. Let's do this before we start. This is something I haven't done in the podcast yet. I always wait till the end to plug my tour dates, but why don't I do it now? Because I feel like maybe some of

you guys turn the shit off and that's not fair. Now I know life is not fair, but I'm trying to fucking game the system here. Baltimore, Maryland, June 15th, first show sold out. Second show, I think that there's a little bit of tickets left. Atlantic City, that's sold out, I think. June 17th, Huntington, New York. West Palm Beach, Florida. I'm there the whole weekend, June 22nd. Austin, Texas, coming up.

Albuquerque, New Mexico. Montreux. Montreal, that's how they say it. Montreux. Nashville, Tennessee. Salt Lake City. Phoenix, Arizona. Tempe.

Spokane. Charlotte. And Irvine. Those are all the dates. And I rescheduled my Australia date to be in October. That and Man on Fire, the Netflix special that I did, is coming out in two weeks on the 27th of June. So put that in your queue. Now, here's the deal. Everyone's going to say, hey, why don't you come? Like, I'm going to do West Palm Beach and I'm going to do the show.

The show is I'm going to fly home. And Monday, there's going to be a comment on either Twitter or Instagram saying, please come to South Florida. How come you never come to South Florida? Now that's when I'm going to get blood red mad. I'm going to get BRM. I'm going to get blood red mad because I was just there. And see, that's the kind of thing that's going to make me blood red mad because just do a little bit of research. You like a guy, you want to see him. Don't be mad he's never coming to the city when he's literally in your goddamn city. Do you know what I'm saying? Now I know that's not just me. I know that happens all the time to different band members and comedians alike, but, uh, it also kills me when somebody tweets you or somebody like, Hey, when are you coming

to Albuquerque, New Mexico? When you can literally just type that into Google. And the first thing that will pop up is when that artist is in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I guess people want to feel connected. I don't know. I just don't know. I just don't know. So yeah, I woke up a little under the weather. I don't think I sound too bad, though. Sometimes you wake up and you sound awful. And I woke up to I woke up real late because I was trying to sleep it off. But I woke up to about 175 texts. Hey, how about when you wake up to 175 texts and you think that everybody's dead in the world? And then you check your text and it's really just two group messages just talking about fucking one of your friends. You know?

I wake up and I look at the text messages. Oh, 175 texts? Who's dead? No, nobody. Just Jim made a mistake, made a typo, and then everyone's razzing him because of the typo, right? I had a show at the comedy store, maybe Friday, and the crowd was not good. Now, it was fine. It was just annoying. They laughed like, and then that's it. Usually,

the comedy store's off the hook, and everybody was having this kind of a set nobody was bombing but it was just not raucous how it usually is and i wrote on facebook or twitter both of them about how shitty the crowd was and then i forgot that when you do that then everyone is going to text you that you know hey what happened and nothing happened and it was just annoying and i felt like one of those fucking idiots that just was complaining on Facebook that shouldn't have been. But yeah, I don't really use Facebook all that much at all, actually. So that's something that's really interesting to tell you guys because that's not boring at all. Because it's so not boring for me to say, hey, I don't use Facebook that much.

So good job that I did that. Good job that I mentioned that right now. So you guys definitely were like, oh, cool. That's really fucking interesting um but i've been hanging out uh in la it's been two weeks and i'm going to um baltimore in a few days uh never been there i'm playing the markets that i haven't played yet but i'm going to take the wire tour i feel like there should be every time i mention baltimore to somebody they'll let going to take the wire tour. I feel like there should be, every time I mentioned Baltimore to somebody that people go, ah, the wire though, huh? Like that's their claim to fame. They should have a bus.

They should have a bus tour to be like, this is Trayvon Barksdale's. Um, this was his stoop and this is where that gunfight happened. And there you go. That's what's going on in Baltimore. I don't really know what Baltimore is. I don't really know what Baltimore has to offer. I'm going there for two night or one night. But that's it. And I'm going to do my show. I haven't done an hour in a long time.

Probably since, I don't know, hour in a long time, probably since, I don't know, fuck man, over two months probably. So I got to get together. I got to get it together. But so I've been in LA and I go to this coffee bean and I know that some of you guys know this. I know I talked about how the coffee bean I used to run and then I had to move. I fucking ran the whole block and then I had to move. And I don't run the block anymore on this Hollywood coffee bean. But there's so many crazies at this coffee bean dude. And some of the crazies are cool and some of the crazies are not cool. Some of them you're like, you know, you don't really want to talk to all of them. But it's right smack dab in the middle of fucking Hollywood.

And there's one guy that's super annoying, but he's nice. So whatever. He's got a dog that smells like shit and he smells like shit too, and he's always wanting to fucking talk, and I don't want to, and sometimes he's like, hey man, can I bother you, and I just, I'm like, man, you know, yeah, it's like, I'm just chilling, dude, what's up, and he's like, oh, you think I'm annoying, huh, and I'm like, I mean, you know you are, you know, and he's like, oh, yeah, that's the kind of relationship we have, you know, full head of hair, like, like, literally, yeah, that's the kind of relationship we have, you know, full head of hair. Like, like literally like looks like a Marvel villain. Like that's his gray, full head of gray hair.

And his dog looks just like him. And he's like, hey, can I do my chicken dance for you? And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, nah, but also, yeah, though, you know, because what the fuck is this going to look like? The chicken dance. So I said, yeah. As I said, yeah. He starts doing the chicken dance already, like anticipated my yeah. And was doing this is the chicken dance book, book, book, book, and was doing the chicken dance, by the way, holding his dog on his leash.

And the dog was like, come on buddy what are you doing just let me how about that how about the fact that being a dog and then if you have a an owner you don't get to pick the owner how fucked up is that and i know a dog's life is a dog's life and they don't really care who they're with but dude imagine if you were owned by a fucking guy who does the chicken dance at a coffee shop all the time. Imagine that's your owner. A guy that's a lunatic. He says, hey, record this chicken dance. And I record it.

And then he says, you're going to post that? It'll go viral. And I say, no, I don't think so, man. I might upload it now that I talked about it on the podcast. But that's your owner, dude. Like if you're a kid and that's your parent, you can be like, all right. Even as a 15-year-old, you can run away. You're crafty enough.

You figure it out. But this dog is on a leash. The dog's with this motherfucker. He has to wait till like the guy goes to sleep with the door open and then run away but the dog doesn't even know any better the dog will probably just chill the dog doesn't even know that the owner is so fucked up right imagine being a pet fucking tarantula in a cage and your owner is just like some lunatic that keeps shit in a jar on his fucking desk. Right? You're fucked. You're

a tarantula and you're fucked. Not only are you in a cage somewhere in Monrovia, but your owner has fucking shit in a jar on his desk. That's something that's out there. There's so many people out there. There's definitely a guy who owns a tarantula that keeps it in a case and he also keeps his shit in a jar on his fucking desk. that tarantula can't do shit about it feel bad for the fucking tarantulas and dogs you know what i mean so anyway this guy's fucking crazy he's definitely not the only crazy person that's at this coffee bean there's so many fucking crazy persons that's at this coffee bean there's this other guy that has glitter on his face all the time and open and has a button-down shirt and he fucking opens it's open always

he looks like billy idol if billy idol was on you know meth and had been on meth for like three weeks and is like i gotta get off it eventually but i'm gonna ride this out for a little bit longer like he still looks a little healthy but like knows what he's doing. But like also he's got glitter all over his face and eyeliner and looks like he doesn't know what is in store for him, even though he thinks he's got it under control. Real tight pants, a little bit fashionable, 60 years old, but insane. However, insane.

And I know he's insane because sometimes he has a guitar there and he's like, can I play a song for you? And I just say, nah, not really, man. man I don't really I don't like when sane people play me a fucking music right so but he's always like kind of friendly but you could tell like a trigger like something could fucking set him off immediately so I'm I get up of coffee I walk outside and as I'm walking outside, I hear him saying, he's talking to this girl. And I hear him look at me and say, yeah, that's right, man. Keep walking.

Keep walking to me. Now, I'm like, if this guy wasn't crazy, I would have said, what's up? Is everything cool? Like, did I do something wrong? Like, I'm sorry. Did you, did I offend you? Or what, you know, do you think I'm someone I'm not? But, however, his brain is broken. So I'm not? But, however, his brain is broken.

So I'm not going to, like, try and, like, use logic with him. So I'm just like, you know what? I'm going to let him have that shit because he's an insane person. Because he is at a cafe with his shirt completely unbuttoned. Because his glitter all over his face. And you can't reason with somebody who has glitter all over his face and you can't reason with somebody who has glitter all over their face don't give a fuck who they are so i just let it go and i sit down and uh i'm having a coffee hanging out i'm about to go do my shows just chilling keeping it

totally real just fucking relaxing the guy comes up to me and I'm like, here we fucking go, motherfuckers. And he says, hey, man, can I ask you a favor? And in my head, I think, no. But with my voice, I say, sure. And he says, can I need to help? Like, I need to find a van. That's what he says. He needs to find a van.

Now, I don't know what he means like i don't know if he means that there's a van out there that he lost that he needs to find a specific van or if he needs money for a van or if he's just fucking saying bullshit because he's got glitter all over his face so i'm like uh you need a van huh uh he says yeah or like some kind of like a winnebago or some kind of a thing to store. I stopped listening after that. And then I say, well, man, look, I think I'm really the wrong guy to help you find a van. I don't know where vans are and I don't know what you mean. And he says, well, I think I know how you can help me. So instead of keeping on this,

having this conversation, I just say to him and I say, look, man, I'm not going to help you. I don't want to. And he says, well, why didn't you just say that then? And I'm like, as I say to him, well, there you have it, man. You know, there you go. It took a few steps, but I just said it. And he says, well, all right, man. And he walks away like huffing and puffing. And I'm like, I don't get this guy. He he's mad at me for, this guy fucked everything up. And now he's mad at me for the way I dealt with it. I didn't do shit. I'm sitting here.

I got my shirt on. At least it's not open all the way. So he leaves and then he fucking pivots and walks back. And he says, hey, man, is that your car out there? And he points to my car. And I'm like, for fuck's sake, now I got to tell this guy where my car is. And I know he knows it's my car because he saw me get out of it so i was like yeah that's my car man and he says is it true those windows are really expensive and it'd be a shame if something happened to those windows and i'm like

it took me like 0.2 seconds to realize that this dude is saying he's gonna break my fucking windows so with a booming voice, with like my fucking baritone shit, I, I activated and I say, Hey motherfucker, are you threatening me like that? Like a fucking, like, like I, like I'm ready for action. And he says, well, no man, of course I'm not threatening you. I just heard that those windows are expensive, but I'm not threatening you, threatening you. And I said, good motherfucker. Like that, like some crazy, like now I'm the crazy fucking guy. And now the manager's out there and he screams at this dude.

He's like, motherfucker, I told you not to fucking harass the customers. Get the fuck out of here. And then the dude is like, no, no, no, I'm not trying to threaten. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I just, will you please mail my videotapes or mail my tapes? And the manager's like, look, man, I'll mail your tapes, but I just, you can't be harassing the fucking customers.

I told you not to get the fuck out of here. He's like, okay, okay, okay. And I'm like, what the fuck? This guy's trying to mail video. I don't know what's happening, dude. I feel like I'm in a fucking Fellini movie. I don't know what's happening, but I almost got into a fight with a fucking Billy Idol on meth. And I'm just trying to run this fucking coffee bean and drink the caffeine before I get to the comedy store and bullshit with this fucking terrible audience.

I mean, I don't know what the fuck's going on at this place. It's like between him and the chicken dance guy. It's like with the smelly dog. I'm like, what is it about there's always fucking crazy people at coffee shops i feel like it's like because it's like not that expensive and they don't like crazy people don't have money because they're fucking insane if they had a lot of money they'd buy shit like fucking you know stuffed animals and plants and they just so they don't have money. Cause even if they had

money, they'd spend it on insane shit. Um, uh, like glitter, right. Um, or chicken dance lessons. Uh, so like, but, and I told the manager, I was like, yo, man, I was like, I like coming to this fucking place, but yo, it's like a few too many flew over the fucking cuckoo's nest in this bitch. And he's like, dude, I know I try to be nice, but it's like, it's really hard to, you know, it's like a legal gray area where they're, they're not bugging anybody. If they're not doing anything like illegal, then we got to let them hang. And I'm like, yeah, man, but I mean, dude. And, and then, and then I told the guy the chicken dance guy what happened with that guy and he's and he says to me oh that guy's crazy I mean how crazy do you

have to be if a crazy person thinks you're crazy oh the guy who wanted me to record the chicken him doing the chicken dance on my phone for me to keep told me that another guy with glitter on his face was crazy what the fuck's happening to this world it's actually kind of sad now that i think about it but there's all sorts of crazy motherfuckers there like some lady came up to me that looked like the fucking lady on the on the um um she's there all the time she's wearing a she only wears a robe she wears a robe she wears a robe to this place to the coffee bean and she fucking looks like the woman on the card on the on the hall on the cards that you get at hallmark the the lady with the sunglasses and

the you know what i'm talking about you know what i'm talking about i feel like her name's may or some shit and the card it's like a style of card with oh and she's always on it and she's like some bitter old lady that's what she this lady looks like and i was just sitting at a fucking table at the fucking coffee bean and she comes up and she's like this is a handicapped table can i sit here instead of you and i'm like it's not a handicapped table it's just a fucking table but of course i was like oh sure i didn't know and i left you know it's amazing like i go there but like these crazy people affect my mood my overall mood i'm driving to the comedy store like this motherfucker almost got a fight with billy idol on meth i mean we're all fucking kind of crazy, but like this, these guys broken.

I don't know. At what point do you cross the fucking eccentric line and to, oh, that guy's got a real problem. Whatever, dude. I guess maybe, you know. I've been, you know, what's made me in a fucking good mood like all week i got these fucking unreal pants man like i got these fucking unreal pants dude and i'm this isn't an ad by the way i know as a matter of fact i'm not even gonna tell you the fucking um brand or whatever i walked into this store and I got these one pair of pants, man.

And they're jogger, they're jog jeans, bro. They're fucking so ill, man. They fucking stretch out around the cock area and like the fucking, they have no belt loop, but they have the tie.

And then they get skinny at the bottom and you can wear them, you could sag them a little bit. And it looks like, you know, you got a diaper on, but also you're kind of feeling it. Like people look at you and they're like, that guy knows what's up. These pants are so unreal, bro. And I got two of them and I wish I got, they were all spaced out around the table. I wish I got all, there were like 10 or 11 pair of different colors. I wish

I got all the shades, but I got, dude, I got like acid wash ones, like a dip shit. And then I also got white ones, like an even bigger dip shit. And I wore them, dude. And I wore them. How about when you wear white pants? That's basically like saying, Hey, I'm going to wash these. I'm going to wash these. You know, I'm going to wash these later tonight. Like you fucking walk into, you sit down and you, there's always shit on chairs and tables you fucking i got out of my car and the ankle hit the fucking bottom of the car pants over pants over that's it washing machine here i come got out of the car with white pants hey have you got out of the car hey did you get out of the car with white pants on washing machine here here i come did you go outside washing machine here i come if you wear white pants you got a death wish

man we got a wash wish i mean let's not say you want to kill yourself but girls wear white pants all the time what do they do one time i was and this is i'm not even trying to be gross i was at the library when i was in high school and a teacher was wearing white pants and she was leaning over the counter. And she had like, this is gross. I don't mean to be gross, but she had gotten her period and it was all over her white pants, man. And she didn't know. And I saw a student walk up and be like, excuse me, Mrs. Yada Yada. And then she was like,

and then she went to the bathroom. She had white pants on. Hey, don't wear white pants when you're going to maybe get your period. Dun, dun, dun, dun. I mean, that's just begging for. But anyway, I wear these pants and I got this Irish friend named Mark

and he just says, unreal pants, unreal pants. I know I can't really do the accent. It kind of sounds Indian when I do it, but oh, those pants are unreal. Unreal pants. And I'm like, thanks, bro. And I just got, you know.

So now our word of the moment is unreal. That's all we say. Like my fucking chest feels unreal. I just worked it out. And we laugh. We laugh like a bunch of fucking idiots. But these pants, dude, forget it. It's on. You know, when you put on certain pants and you're like, it's on. If any action goes down, everybody's getting kicked. If anybody talks shit, I'll do a high kick. I'll hit their fucking medulla oblongata. I'll fucking take my heel to their medulla oblongata. And knock them out and make them feel senseless.

Dude, you want to feel senseless? Talk shit to me while I'm wearing unreal pants. That's what I'm fucking saying. Whatever. You guys don't know. You don't know what I'm saying. Half you guys are probably like, what the fuck are you talking about?

But those of you that truly know what I'm talking about, real babies, this is my cult. Get in on it. Get in on it. Get the fuck in on it. Get in on it. Get the fuck in on it. Oh man, the chicken dance. Dude, imagine if the guy did the chicken dance in unreal pants. I probably would have posted it, to be totally honest. Have you guys tried Lyft? If you're choosing a ride sharing company to drive for, go with the company that treats you better.

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Terms apply. And wear your pants when you do it. Get on real pants. Fucking, you know what I mean? And that's the shit. You know, it's funny how like things, I always think about this when I was a kid, like toys made you happy, you know, like a fire truck, a little fire truck. And then when you get clothes for your birthdays, you'd be like, ah, a shirt. Tommy sucks. Tommy got me a shirt that his mom picked out. I wanted a fucking Ninja turtle,

right? And then later on, like you just change completely like if somebody bought me a ninja turtle now i'd be like hey man you crazy you can go to coffee bean with your shirt open and glitter on your face but now i want pants and i want shirts because i want to look fly as shit extra paper scoop that up dude one one ll kudja lyric where he starts in the song and he goes like this yeah fresh off the private jet to europe extra paper scoop that up howled for 14 minutes extra paper scooped that up my favorite dude extra paper like like it was a question extra paper hey scooped that up scoop Scooped! Like, I imagine him leaning out of the plane and just

as it fucking touches down, putting his arm down and scooping it up like Arnold Schwarzenegger when he fucking tilts the car in Last Action Hero and catches the dynamite and then throws it out of the car. Extra dynamite? Scoop. Extra dynamite? Scoop that up. Yo!

Worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impression of all time. Extra paper? Scoop that up. Yo. Worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impression of all time. Extra paper. Scoop that up. It's a cock. LL Cool J is the shit, though. He really is. When I did Lip Sync Battle, he was so fucking funny. He was like Mr. Showman.

And he was like so dope. And he was like, man, you're hilarious, dog. Ha ha. And then during the commercial break, one time he time he was like yo let's just get this over with but like still but like still doing it like in his like showmanship thing he was like you know i'm saying let's get let's get home no ha ha it was so funny and i laughed so hard he was like you know what i mean though right and i was like yep then sang demi lovato well didn't sing shit actually um oh man dude

hello cool jay is what looks better than me and he's 90 no how old is he for real he's 90. No, how old is he for real? He's like 40 something. He's got to be almost 50. Guy's been around forever. And he looks way better than me. Extra chicks could scoop that up. And me look like, as Brian Callen says, an Albanian sex trafficker. Yeah, I do, though. um yeah i i do though i look like a fucking i look like i look like a creepy dad somebody said i was my buddy my opener said like you're you're like the dad of our group and that fucking is not that didn't i'm like is that cool am i is that sexy that i'm the dad like it's kind of cool if girls are like hey daddy

but like if your fucking friend says you're like the dad of the group instantly dried up all the pussy made boners go down you know for the gays or whatever i want gays to think i'm fucking sexy though some guys are homophobic about that shit and they're like nah bro that ain't cool fuck that man one time uh a guy i don't know if he was gay or not i assume he was but he came up to me and he was like just so you know the gay community loves you and i was like fuck man that shit made my whole week it made me feel like uh it made me feel accepted you know it was very cool i liked it it was nice for him to say that too it was like one of the nicest compliments i ever got um you know not that there's like a whole fucking meeting on it like hey guys we're here how what do we think about chris delia

we just came to party oh. We like them. Cool. Surf punch. Boogie nights. We just came to a party. What do we feel about Chris D'Elia as a whole? We support him. Tell him. Go ahead.

Go ahead, Rick. Go to his show and tell him. But yeah, it made me feel good. It made me feel sceptic. Everybody wants to feel septid, right? Why does everybody want to feel septid? Dude, when I was in Toronto for five weeks, I was alone-ish, you know? I didn't, like, everyone else was working when I wasn't working, and then I didn't really have many friends there. I had one buddy. But besides him, I felt lonely. And I

started thinking about when guys are in prison, and then they got to go to the hole. They're not septic. They're fucking in the hole. Dude, I literally felt like my brain was turning to mush because I wasn't hanging out with enough people. Dude, imagine if you were alone on an island. Not septic by anything but sand and twigs. Yeah, that just would rock my world man i used to think like fuck that it would be cool like to be literally i used to be like dude if you were alone on an island it'd

be sad but like i would just be fucking i'd be an animal man i'd hunt animals fuck trees you know what i mean like i'd find like the appeal in like beautiful trees and just carve a hole out and just fuck them and like then while i when i'm done fucking a tree i just run over to like beautiful trees and just carve a hole out and just fuck them and like then while i when i'm done fucking a tree i just run over to a boar and just attack it and maybe it would get the best of me but maybe not though it would you know maybe it wouldn't maybe i would rear naked choke hold the fucking boar and then just fire it up and eat it and eat some and then fuck a tree and go to bed you know probably lonely though fucking trees and eating boar but then when i went to toronto i was like man i only have one friend here

i don't think i would i think i would fucking just let the boar eat me now that i really feel now that i really um you know really now i really know what it feels like oh fuck it's so goddamn hot in this room and i'm wearing a sweater and i knew you know when you fucking do that shit when you're like should i wear a sweater or not and you're like it's cold out but i'm gonna be inside most of the time and then you but the sweater looks like bomb like you look like ill as shit and you're like this is my outfit though and then you but the sweater looks like bomb like you look like ill as shit and you're like this is my outfit though and then you're out and then your armpits start sweating you're like i knew i should have picked a different outfit because i don't look trill if i take the

fucking sweater off and just wear the undershirt the undershirt isn't what's trill the sweater is what's trill right so i'm not that i need to look trill this is an audio podcast but like you know i like the sweater but like man I gotta wash this undershirt now but you know it's like life and times man trials and tribulations speaking of unreal pants have you guys uh heard of this company five four uh it's a great company for clothing and it doesn't cost a fortune. 5-4 Club is revolutionizing the way men shop, and it's true. Each month, they send you a curated box of two to three items that they are handpicked to match the current season and your style.

They've been helping men with fashion for over 15 years and ship to over 100,000 men every month. They know what they're doing. So if you don't, that's fine because they're doing it. And they sent me a bunch of stuff that I actually love. And one or two of the shirts are unbelievable. And I've wore them like days in a row to where people are like, yo, bro, do you wash that shirt? Because it's great. So whatever.

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four club.com right now and enter promo code congrats. And they'll give you 50% off your first month's package. Plus a free pair of sunglasses. That's 50% off your first package at five four club spelled f-i-v-e-f-o-u-r club.com promo code congrats five four club.com promo code congrats i'm hooking you up i'm hooking you up you know i really am you know i some, I know some people are like, oh, commercials, but I'm hooking you up. I'm telling you what to do with your life. So you don't have to spend all the time to do it. You understand? It's easy. And also if you're going to be part of my cult, come on guys, get with it. There's rules here. All right. You want to look cool you want to be cool all right you gotta do the what you gotta

do we gotta do so that's what's up um did you guys watch the indie 500 by the way uh i think it was recently because i saw some shit on it and uh there's not something i get less than that indy 500 400 million people show up at a racetrack and sit and watch cars drive around a loop and you can't see the goddamn cars because you're too far away and you cheer and it's hours and hours and nothing changes they just kind of hours and hours, and nothing changes. They just kind of over and go over and over. A guy could be in the lead the whole time, and then you're just watching. Now, I get that it isn't geared towards me.

I'm a Cali guy, and I was born in New Jersey. And definitely, definitely a southern thing, I like the indy 500 does any 500 mean that they go around the track 500 times indy yeah i think it does right uh i'm gonna look it up uh They go 500 times. The average speed is 166 miles per hour. It's lethal. It's just insane. Practice.

Let's look at some of this, too. Practice. Marco Andretti won, I guess, 2016. I wonder if there's like a talent that you have to have or if it's just you try, you keep practicing. I mean, you got to have some kind of talent, I guess. 500 times. Hey, doing anything 500 times is too much. In a row, you do something 500 times in a row, you're row, you do something 500 times in a row, you're crazy.

You do something 500 times in a row, you're the guy who does the chicken dance. That would be the best Indy 500. I would watch it if he was driving a car with his dog in the passenger seat, smelling like shit, just driving by. Chicken dance every time he goes by. I don't understand the Indy 500. I don't understand the appeal. I don't understand the indy 500 i don't understand the appeal i don't understand the appeal now that's coming from a guy who doesn't understand the look i don't like watching

basketball or football or baseball but i understand the appeal but i don't understand the appeal of going to the indy 500 unless it's like everyone's going let's go but if it's like no we got to go because we want to see the tide car what no that's weird to me I mean I don't care but that's coming from you know i know i said i don't i know people sometimes in the park from the park i said like you don't like a lot of things man it's not that i don't like a lot of things it's that i just think it's funny and like that's what i talk about because comedian but also i i like i like some things too what I talk about because I'm a comedian. But also, I like some things too. And I talk about them too, like those unreal pants, dude. Really?

You don't want to hear, you don't want to fucking tune into the podcast to just have somebody being really passionate about shit they like. Real bad. Would be real bad. Right? I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I'm just doing this by the fucking seat of my... I'm flying by the seat of my pants, dude.

This is episode 20, and I'm still figuring it out. But you guys fucking... You guys are keeping me going. Last podcast, we had the most downloads we got. So, moving on up. And I thought last episode was maybe one of the ones that lacked so good so so new people heard that and then thought oh fuck this guy um no but it's good um whatever i don't know i mean i know there's a difference between

i just feel like if you like everything you're kind of you know that guy that's like oh yeah i wanna i wanna i want to experience everything that life has to offer that this world has to offer you know like that guy or a girl is just like and then they just are fascinated with everything. That person is like a piece of shit, you know? Because like, well, then who are you if you don't like some things? I trust somebody that doesn't like a lot of shit way more than somebody who likes too many things. I got a buddy that travels everywhere, dude. He's in hawaii right now

and he sent me a video of him snorkeling and shit fish beating him in the fucking face tortoise saw tortoise or a turtle whatever and he's like isn't it amazing i'm like yeah but it's kind of amazing for me to watch the video also right like we got fucking i gotta watch this tortoise i get to watch the video also. Right? Like we got fucking, I got to watch this tortoise. I get to watch it. Not only in real life,

I get to watch it on a little handheld device in my fucking hand at the coffee bean. Ah, what? That's also actually more amazing. Oh yeah. But you got to get out there and experience it. Like you remember that scene in, in Goodwill hunting when he was like, sure, you know a lot about the Sistine Chapel, but you've never been there. You don't know the way it is and yada, yada.

You've read all about it, but you don't. When Robin Williams is talking to Matt Damon. When I was watching that movie, I was like, ah, it's the same fucking thing. It's the same fucking thing. If all we have is words to fucking describe the shit, to tell people about it, then that's what the fuck's happening to us. When we're not there, people are describing it to us. So we just fucking use those same words. Not everybody can experience it.

So, you know? I just like anybody who likes everything. Or if everybody likes something, the thing is not good, I feel like. You got to be polarizing a little bit. And also, you can't like everything. You like everything, you're a faker, you're a liar. There's a lot of actors that go on, they're just like, oh, the movie was amazing and I had such an amazing time

and how amazing is Elijah Wood and how amazing is Jennifer Garner and it was just amazing and everything was just so amazing. No, you didn't get along with some of those people and also the movie might suck i would hate to have to do press on a movie that i hated though i don't think i've ever done that it would be very hard for me to lie but i guess i would because it has to help other people you gotta you can't you don't want to fucking bury other people in their work you know you gotta find a balance though just look at me and if i'm doing a junket on a movie i did that i don't like just look at me if i'm winking you know what's up yeah i had a great time wink yeah no no it was great working with the director it was a very cohesive set

and uh the script really really uh i thought it was great. But then when we started shooting it, I realized, wow, this is actually amazing. That's wink. That's the wink. But knowing if I'm going in space is shared. Oh, dude, 10-minute podcast fans, when I used to do that podcast, you're going to like this next fucking promo. What do you do when you want to snack, but all you can find is junk food? Rely on your self-control to resist the temptation. Please. You eat the junk food. So start snacking healthy with NatureBox. That's NatureBox. NatureBox makes snacks that actually taste great and are better for you.

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Do it. Tupac would have done it. If Tupac was alive today, he would have used Square Cash. You like Tupac? You stand for beliefs? Then get Square Cash. Sending and receiving money is totally easy.

You download the Square Cash app and you link to your debit or your credit card, select an amount to send stand for beliefs then get square cash sending and receiving money is totally easy you download the square cash app and your link you link to your debit or your credit card select an amount to send and you type in a friend's phone number email address to complete a payment and they get a notification that they just received the money that's it no gimmicks square cash is better than the other guys this isn't a social network you know they don't post people like, oh, you sent $25 to fucking Rick X. Nobody knows. It's secret. It's on the download.

It's on the download. If you need to pay a hooker, use Square Cash. Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. Now, will they get mad at me for saying you can pay hookers with Square Cash? Probably. But I don't care because I have to keep it real with your babies. That's what you'll get. You'll get 100% keeping it real when you're here

with me listening to Congratulations. Maybe if I got to do a junket for a movie, you might be getting the not to keeping it real. But here, you'll be getting the keeping it real deluxe home edition Chris D'Elia set. That's what you'll be getting the Keeping It Real Deluxe Home Edition Chris D'Elia set. That's what you'll be getting.

Okay? It's just how it is. I'm in a lonely room right now. That's me keeping it real. I'm in my podcast room. I got some fucking sound. What do you call it? Those little waffle sound acceptors.

The fuck you keep talking about them? What the fuck you call them? I got a bunch of frames with some pictures in frames. They're not hung up. They're just on the floor. So sad. I have a TV not hung up. An orange.

I have two orange chairs. My producer is not here because he said he couldn't come. One fire him. But, you know, pay him. I pay him a percentage. Didn't show up. Not professional. One fire him but you know pay him i pay him a percentage didn't show up not professional one fire him but won't right the paint's coming off of the wall because i try i put tape on it and then it fucking came down looks like a piece of shit you know i got a puppet of me in here that i had on undateable, wasn't supposed to take it home,

stole it legitimately. What the fuck are they going to use it for though, you know? Prop guys are cool when you're on a TV set. They'll be like, hey, here you go. I heard you like vodka. You're like, oh, cool. You're like, here you go. You're like, oh, don't you need this for the show?

And they're like, nobody needs to know. Every prop guy is like a fucking somebody Tony Soprano would hire. Hey, you like that? You like you like this yeah you like this watch take it nobody needs to know take the watch we get two of them and then you're like blinged out because of the prop guy you feel me um but yeah so it's funny the stuff that you get when you're an actor or a comedian, like the stuff that people send you and the stuff. Like I got literally no clue, absolutely no fucking clue. Laugh Factory hits me up in the email. Hey, you got a package delivered for you, to you, here.

When can you come by and get it? So I was like, I'll get it when I do my show there and whenever it was, one Friday. I get there. There's a big box for me and i said what the fuck is it and the owner jamie masada was like well be careful opening it what a fucking some anthrax pops out you know or like there's a bomb and i'm like fucking good i actually honestly good so i got my opener to open it and um i stood well far far away because i if he's gonna i want him to die of anthrax not me i'd much rather him die of anthrax than me and so he opened it up and i i crept forward like easy easing on up just in case there were fucking you know rats with the ebola virus or whatever the fuck and i looked and there are about 20 coffee mugs cups Cups. Like 20 coffee cups. With fucking Boeing.

With a picture of a Boeing aircraft on it. Flying through the sky. Why? What on earth did I ever do. To make somebody send me 20 coffee mugs. With Boeing aircrafts flying through the air on them. What the fuck? Who sent me that shit? I literally the fuck? Who sent me that shit?

I literally have no clue who sent me that shit. But now they're mine. They're in the back of my car. I haven't used them yet. Because I have coffee cups. But who sent me that shit? As an actor, as a comedian, when you have a fan base, you get sent the weirdest fucking shit. Got sent a dead cat once no i'm

kidding that never happened but that would be fucking amazing please don't ever send me a dead cat anyone but yeah if you do want to send me stuff send it to the comedy store the laugh factory though but don't send me don't send me 20 coffee cups with boeing aircrafts flying through the sky a very weird maybe because they know i like coffee or something but i didn't know who it was from there was no note or anything maybe they fucked it up maybe they fucked it up my agents by the way because they knew i was sick so i'm taking a shower today ding dong ding dong my doorbell's ringing ding dong ding dong ding dong my doorbell's ringing i say i look out i use the intercom i have a little intercom i'm like who is it they're like grubhub it's a fucking food service thing that i don't use so i was like yeah and they're like yeah you placed an order i was like

nah i don't have any food coming and they're like oh leave ding dong ding dong later i'm like this motherfucker i don't even check the answer this time because who the fuck's ringing the doorbell who rings the doorbell honestly only somebody you don't want to talk to the only people that the only people that show up at your house that you actually want to be there they'll text you that you're there doorbells are fucking obsolete um and also you want the people that don't use the doorbells to use doorbells you don't want them to text you you want them to use the doorbells you want them to be like ding dong i'm here and they're like i text you four times you're like well fucking you're in the doorbell asshole the only people that ring the doorbell are people that know they shouldn't be there that feel a little uncomfortable because they're like

Well, it's very formal. I gotta ring the doorbell So this fucking guy is there ding dong ding dong again, and i'm like it can't be the same guy So I look I I go on my balcony. I look over and I say hey, man, what's up? And he says hey grubhub's here for you. And I said i'm telling you man. I didn't order grubhub and he says Are you chris and i'm like, huh? Yeah. So I go down to check the address. The address is right. And it says chicken soup. And I'm like, oh, I actually kind of want chicken soup because I'm sick. So that's cool. So I take it, I bring it up and I open it up and

I'm like, I don't know who the fuck's in. Did they poison it? Like, I don't know who the fuck. So I open it up. Not only is it not chicken soup, it's a bagel with cream cheese and salmon in it. Gross. Gag me. Gargle my nuts. Gross as shit. And a fucking like beef sandwich. Gross. Why would I eat a beef sandwich and a bagel with salmon and cream cheese in it and i was like who the fuck sent me this i don't know who's sending me all this shit first of all nobody knows where i live it's a i just moved you know and like nobody knows my address nobody's been over i don't give my address out so i fucking call the uh no no so finally i checked my email later and my agent sends me an email hey man my agent's assistant

heard you were sick i know you were sick because i canceled the fucking appointment so we sent you some chicken soup and i was like oh i don't want to tell him i don't have the heart to tell him that the fucking order was wrong it's like oh you guys are awesome thanks so much but how annoying is all that shit i'm sick i don't want to fucking go downstairs and open the doorbell don't want to tell him. I don't have the heart to tell him that the fucking order was wrong. It's like, oh, you guys are awesome. Thanks so much. But how annoying is all that shit? I'm sick. I don't want to fucking go downstairs and open the doorbell. All I want to do is lay in my bed. This guy, ding dong, ding dong, keeps on thinking, I didn't order some shit. Gives me some chicken soup. I'm like, oh, cool. You know what? I would actually eat this shit. And it's a fucking beef sandwich. It wasn't even like, it was the most regular beef ever. know like sometimes it's like ham or like you know uh uh um um like what else is is like roast beef or like some shit where you're like okay yeah nice this was like the most

regular ass my little kitchen beef that you'd see like where like kids would be like playing house in like a little stove and be like here's your beef and they put it on like a little stove and be like, here's your beef. And they'd put it on like a blue plate. And you'd be like, yum, to the kid. And you'd think, beef doesn't even look like this. And it was stacked. It was stacked. The sandwich was stacked. So gross. And cream cheese with fish in it?

Bye. On a bagel? Bye. And fries. What kind of fucking asshole is eating this shit? You know who ate this shit? The guy who died in Seven from Gluttony. That's who's eating it. The fat guy face down

in a bowl of porridge, naked, when Brad Pitt fucking discovers him with Morgan Freeman. Hey, am I Chris D'Elia? Or am I the fat guy who's naked with the face down in a cup of porridge while brad brad pitt and morgan freeman discovers him in the first act in seven which one am i me not that guy so don't send me a beef sandwich stacked to the gills. With fucking an everything bagel. With salmon and cream cheese in it.

And fries. Fat steak fries too. You know? Sanat my friend. They fucking said. Sent you some chicken soup. And then they just wanted me to fucking eat that bullshit. Also who uses Grubhub?

I feel like Postmates is the thing. That's probably why they fucked it up. How about when they send you your order and it's completely fucked up and there's nothing you can do about it just completely wrong one time i ordered like a full like a sandwich and a milkshake or some shit and they sent me a fucking side salad it was just salad no not salad it was green leaves with carrots on it that's it and you know what man i fucking ate that shit so angrily too i was so hungry who am i fucking john bastow gross you ever see the john bastow you guys know who john bastow is the guy who does the abs he's always standing,

like twisted, with his arm on his hip, it's so funny, ugh, ugh, I don't know, you know, I think I'm about to wrap this up,

you know what I'm going to do, I'm going to look at the fucking hashtags here, thanks for listening, you guys. This was a rough one because I was sick, honestly. And I was just... You know what, dude? Somebody's asking me here. At Tosh Dominique.

Dominique? What the fuck? D-O-M-I-N-E-N-Q-U-E. Dominique. Change it. Have less letters in there. I feel like... Anyway.

She looks like a nice girl. Nice lady. But definitely expected you to post a pic of the Amber Rose Challenge. What were your thoughts on that? I don't know what that is. Here are my thoughts on it. Enough with the fucking challenges. They're not challenges anymore.

They're just fucking... know like what i'm my specials coming out man on fire what am i supposed to do hey guys light yourself on fire the man on fire challenge nah gross what is the amber rose challenge what is the amber rose challenge are they trying to uh oh i guess it's is it naked chicks or something oh it's like people being naked on i mean you know so like i love how she's like it's so funny too like she's like trying to get people to like celebrate their bodies and shit and like be amazing and like showing their tits and pussies and stuff and it's like yeah that works for Amber Rose. She literally got famous for dating Kanye West. That's who does that.

But if you're a fucking girl that has like a fucking that works out like Rolex and all of a sudden you post on Twitter, you naked pussy and tits, you're getting fired. Hey. Hey, how about the fired challenge? amber rose good on you way to inspire females to go out there and post naked pictures of their pussies and tits they're gonna get fired you're not because you're famous for dating rappers i I'm not saying, look, I know nothing about Amber Rose. Maybe she's great. So I am talking out of my fucking ass, but don't post a picture of your bits and pieces on Instagram.

You're going to get fired. You got stuff to lose. So if that's what that is, but enough with the challenges. People are just challenging everything. Hey, man. so if that's what that is, but enough with the challenges, people are just challenging everything, hey man, hey, it's the breathing challenge, how much breath can you take,

before you pass out, people just passing out on the fucking sidewalk, just opening their skulls. Oh, he failed. He died. This is for ALS. Number one celebrity crush, female and male. Meredith Erickson.

At mayor underscore bear 05. Change it. Naturally, you knew I'd say it. Celebrity crush female is Kate Beckinsale. No, it's Gal Gadot for sure. If you're a guy and you're heterosexual, even if you're gay and you don't want to be in a room with Gal Gadot, you're in an alien suit. You're in a human suit as an alien. That girl's amazing.

Male. Man, I got a lot of dude crushes. You know what bothers me too? Is when people post MCM, man crush, whatever, and it's a girl, guys are supposed to do man crush Mondays. That's for guys to do.

If you're a girl, you don't have a man crush. You just have a crush. You're being redundant. My guy crushes, I got a few, man liam neeson for sure um oh you know who for sure is the chris hemsworth 100 he could get it um i like those guys um i like those guys let's see another one of these gaming the systems

people send me sometimes pictures of people check this out look at this asshole and they're just dressed regular I don't understand do you ever use pickup lines or have you had them used on you at afc lover no i never have and never have i don't know not really a lot lines no no i don't think anybody really does that i was watching a movie the other day and what was it oh it was species and the guy on it said i was just wondering he walked over to two ladies and he was like i was just wondering how two beautiful ladies are standing here with no

dates and it's like imagine if you said that in real life what a fucking bag of shit you would be imagine saying that going to up to two ladies you know what there you go that's the chrystalia challenge walk up to one or two ladies that are alone and say i was just over there wondering how a lady like you or how you two beautiful ladies were standing here with no date date you know that's what he said and then of course it didn't work out in the movie which it wouldn't work out in real life too i wonder i would i would love to try that if i walked up to a girl hey excuse me i was just wondering uh what a beautiful lady like you was doing without a without a without a date i mean that would be i would feel so bitch saying that i would feel so insecure saying that i don't even

really feel insecure usually because i've fucking bombed a lot um this guy says at at star Zavy. How about white people just stop saying the N-word at all and there will be no outrage, joke or not. He doesn't get a pass. I guess they're talking about Bill Maher. Yeah, I mean, the guy has a good point. I mean, I don't say it, even in jokes, but it is, on the other hand,

Bill Maher was making a joke. He is a comedian. I don't know. There's two points to it. I understand. There's more than two points. But let's see. Oh, this is a good one.

Reese Randall, at our Randall 10. Thoughts on people who clap when a plane lands? It's annoying. Yeah, that is stupid. The guy just did his job. I don't clap at anything, though. Unless it's like a real live performance that fucking is amazing or like a comedian that made me laugh. But like because that adds to the live performance. But when you're on a plane and you land, you're not in a live performance.

You're in a fucking Airbus. And they did their job. So don't clap. But you know that. It's like clapping in movies. Hey, Jim Carey isn't really here. Okay?

So stop clapping at the mask. And I loved the mask. All right, one more and then I'm out of here. I mean, what's the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you, this person, Lexi Serna? I don't even know how to answer that. One time I shit my pants at a sleepover when, uh, I got, it must've been 10. I was too scared to go to the bathroom because fucking Freddy Krueger was on TV and my buddy already fell asleep. And I was like, I'll just go to, I'll just,

I'll just go to sleep and not go to the bathroom. I'll wake up, go to the bathroom when it's light out. And then I woke up and I fucking had shit in my pants uh i was nine so i don't know man why did i mean why am i even telling you guys this freddy krueger was scared the shit out of me when i was a kid uh all right well that's it there it, there you go, there you have it, um, uh, all right, so that's it, yeah, I'm sorry, guys, but, uh, I'm done, wow, we went over an hour, that was a good one, that was a struggle, because I was sick, I wasn't feeling good, and so, you know what, you guys, you guys stuck with me through this one, and I really appreciate that, if you're still listening now, you're a baby. You're a true baby.

Don't tell the others. Square Cash, don't forget. Square Cash. Are you using that yet? Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android. Do it now. My upcoming dates, you heard about them in the beginning. Baltimore, West Palm Beach, Huntington, New York, Albuquerque, New Mexico.

I said West Palm Beach, Austin, Texas, Nashville, Tennessee, Salt Lake City, Phoenix, Tempe, Irvine, California, Spokane. So go get tickets at ChrisDelia.com on that. And tweet me at hashtag congratulations pod. And don't forget to put this in your queue. My Netflix special. My Netflix special coming out. Man on Fire, June 27. Rate and review this show.

Congratulations. On iTunes, Google Play, and Stitcher. That would help me out. I would really appreciate that. Trying to game the system and trying to back up the motherfucking Brinks truck. You want to help me out? Thanks. See you, babies. Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations, motherfucking Bob, you big motherfucker! Motherfucker, I am the motherfucking proudest motherfucker!