Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 202. Smooth Idiot

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris discusses Kanye's listening party, how he'd be a different kind of billionaire, and the glory of Liam Neeson's nose. He also explores the concept of spacetime. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. free. Yes, you heard that right. From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaws is committed to fresh, so you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Conflammabation. No. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Conflammabation. No. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Conflammination. Oh, we rip-roarin'. We rip-roarin'. You know what, I usually wear a t-shirt or i usually wear a long

sleeve or a hoodie it gets super hot it's the summertime wanted to wear a t-shirt decided to spruce it up decided to spruce it up so i put on a shirt that buttons down with some fucking flowers on it you understand me so there's literally no stopping me now okay i got on a vacation shirt and i'm just lounging like chuckles from gi joe for some reason that guy was in the army but got to wear the hawaiian shirt and i remember that anduckles was my favorite character. But I'm chilling, dude. I got this kind of open a little bit. It's nice.

My chest hair peeking out. Can't really see because the microphone's blocking it, but it's all good. Your boy's got white hair in his beard and still only like two pieces of white hair in his hair. So what happened? Dude, I'm still riding the buzz off last episode dude horizontal in his cock was fucking dude it was disgusting the way it did it it was disgusting how many clicks and slams and

likes it got dude by the way man if you're a fan of this let me actually talk about that later right now i'm still riding high off of number one the last episode but also more importantly riding high off of my friggin workout dude the teardrops are coming in dude the teardrops my fucking hips are in an absolute hysteria you understand my hips family just died careening off of a cliff in a 2007 volvo because they're just fucking crying man i mean dude the quads the quads is really coming in. They really are. And I'll tell you what, it's going to look goofy. Do you think I'm not serious?

It's going to look goofy. When my quads really pop out, it's going to look goofy. Because I've got small knees. My shit's going to look boom, ting, boom. My legs are going to be like big ants. Two big ants that just jut out from under my fucking hips. I'm fucking ant man, dude. I'm ants man. Two ants, man.

Just fucking. And crazy thing about ants is they can lift like, what, 900 times their body? I can do it. What the fuck, man? Yeah. But I seriously, I go to this fucking coffee shop and, uh, I go every, I go all the time. And lately they were just like, I heard them mumbling. I said, what's up?

And they're like, Chris, you got to get new shirts. And I'm like, huh? What's going on? And they go, you're busting out of them. And I say, all right. So I got one that buttons down, but it's all good dude but it's it's it's you know and i did what did i do for workout today i fucking trekked uphill 45s in both hands 200 lunges oh fuck man I'm sorry, strong guys. Oh, man.

I fucking trekked uphill. It's like this steep. And I did one leg after another. Just, oh, fuck, strong guys. There's a new guy in town. Oh, fuck, strong guys. So your boy is just taking steps, holding weights like there's some cookies, just chilling like he's got a sacked lunch, like he's got two fucking sacked lunches for both of his kids, only they're not that because they don't have fucking lunchables in them. They've only got

weight. And he's trekking up the Himalayan. He's trekking up the Himalayan street. That's what he's doing. And his hips are fucking crying, dude. So anyway, my fucking hips parents careened off a fucking mountain. He's got small knees, but packed around it is some fucking tight, tight wound muscle. Uh, can't jump for shit though so it's all good i did that and then i just was like is that enough and i was like no and i kept going oh i kept going i was like was that enough most guys would have been like stop okay but i can't go so yeah i'm fucking feeling good man um and uh we have a good time on this podcast and i make sure of it i make goddamn sure of it i haven't checked the numbers on the podcast for a while

when it comes to just the listening part i look at at the YouTube views, but guess what, dude? We're moving up. Yeah, dude, we're fucking moving up. So it's all good, dude. And that's amazing, dude. I'm also trying to get 20 pull-ups in a row. Can't. Can only get 19. Barely. Barely. I'm also trying to get 20 pull-ups in a row. Can't. Can only get 19.

Barely. Barely. I could get 18. I can get 18, honestly. I can get 18, but now I can fucking, and I'm telling you so you can hold me workout accountable, dude. So I can fucking, y'all thought I did this? Y'all thought I did this?

Y'all thought I did this? Y'all thought I did this? Y'all thought I did this? I do this. Kristen, don't hit the camera. It's imperative you don't hit the camera. The whole thing shook. All good. Love ya. But you hit the camera.

Now, are there technical difficulties or are we okay? Guys, it was important though because you had to grab her fucking iPad. Great. Great. Can't hear myself all right so look we're getting off to a rocky start i wanted to talk about my workout and now we're back i don't have coffee it's fine drank way too much coffee today i drank way too much coffee today it's fine um so yeah man look just fucking put a blazer on that like button and put some pants on that subscribe button and for that bell notification put a fucking give it a sweet tiara and just dress up those buttons dude dress up that like button dress up that subscribe button and dress up that bell notification i will tell you this i feel like because uh the uh i don't even know

what you'd call them the similes no the fucking whatever the fuck i'm talking whatever i'm saying about these like buttons because i don't want you to smash them i want you to dress them up i want you to have fun with those like buttons that's what i want you to do but i feel like because i do that and don't talk about it like a normal youtube guy i feel like we're kind of missing the point here and i feel like maybe you're not liking and subscribing so i'd like to actually take a uh a full uh serious sentence out of the uh congratulations podcast right now and just say hey guys like and subscribe on the on the pomcast couldn't do it couldn't do it and it won't do it because i'm here for you dude dude. I'm not going to just, you know, I'm not a hooker. You understand? I'm just here to be real, and I can't not be real.

So, you know, Johnny learns a lot, and he's good. He's fucking, you know, he learns about telling all. We got Twitch out there. We've been on Twitch. We have a good time. It's actually nice to be on Twitch. You've got to join us over at Flex Avenue. Uh, I'm talking about, uh, with, with, uh,

with Kristen, I was playing video games. I was streaming video games and, uh, it's pretty fun. So going over to Flex Avenue and also that fucking lime green merch, just fucking, we got a whole nother shipment in it, dude. It's just so it's sick with it. You know, it's sick with it.

So to go to crystalia.com, we got the socks, dude. I got fucking shipped nine pairs of life rip socks and it's so sick with it, dude. And fucking, and, and Ivan gets rid of came over and I had nine fucking pairs of socks and Kristen said, why don't you take one? And I didn't authorize her to do that, but I've got nine pairs. Is that enough? I don't know, dude, but now we're all sick with it. Um, so let's talk about stuff man i just kind of been bullshitting a little lately and we didn't really get into the fucking meat

and potatoes of the podcast because you know this is the fucking meat and potato podcast um i've been feeling okay i've been feeling good lately you know um i was uh you know i was with with Calvin all day. He's been really fucking cute and really sweet. It's sweet to watch these dudes, these little dudes and little, you know, these little children grow, man. He was sharing at the park. He had a fucking stick and he just looked at it and he gave it to the little girl

and the girl goes, thank you, and then puts it behind her back. And Calvin was like, where'd it go? And she didn't tell him. Now that's their family's business. business you know you need to probably educate your children a little bit uh you know just maybe be like look we share calvin shared with you so what's what's going on here right like i'm not in the mafia but i do believe an eye for an eye my son gave you the stick so now that the the stick is behind your son or daughter and she's pretending like she doesn't know where it is

and Calvin is only 17 months. So do me a favor. Why don't you grab that stick from your daughter and give it to Calvin? Sir, I don't want any trouble. Why don't you screw? You know, as I grab his fucking like this. Why don't you grab the...

Okay, sir, sir, sir, sir. Fucking all of a sudden. So yeah, but, so we took him to the park and he shares and it's awesome. He shares, my son is sensitive, dude. It's so beautiful, man. It's so beautiful. He just, you could see him really focusing on stuff and he's just like really taking stuff in and then like he went to go give

we'll be like share calvin and he'll go to give it to somebody and then if the person doesn't see him do it he'll like look back at us and he'll be like what do i do now i i tried to do it and they don't notice me do i disappear is life over now do we start over from the stage one um it's cute as shit man it's so awesome having a fucking a little baby i love him he's a toddler now which is crazy dude um but he doesn awesome having a fucking, a little baby. I love him. He's a toddler now, which is crazy, dude. Um, but he doesn't have a fucking clue that his mom and dad are in a fart war. Um, the, uh, he was, the doctor came over to the house and, uh, since the pandemic, we, we, we were like, we're not going to the fucking thing. We got the doctor to come to the house and uh since the pandemic we we were like we're not going to the fucking thing

we got the doctor to come to the house and so the doctor came to the house the other day uh and the you know she was like you had to give him shots and shit and then they had and then he was like crying and it was like all pandemonium and then we we wanted the, I ordered Uber Eats at the same time. And the driver just had no idea where my house was, dropped it off at another address. So I'm like, you know how your boy gets. Your boy gets hot. Your boy gets super hot when that shit goes down. You've got a job to do.

My fucking address is on the curb. It's bright white. I just had it done. to do my fucking address is on the curb it's bright white i just had it done and the the uber guy said yeah i called him up before i even went down i was like i don't know where this food is and and she's like it's calvin's crying she's like just relax and i'm like yeah no no i know but but the food i don't know where the fuck it is it says it was dropped off and it says thanks for the tip like it's fucking so shitty it's all thanks for the tip. Like it's fucking so shitty. It's all thanks for the tip. And the food's not even fucking there.

So I'm like, all right, so I don't know what to do. So I got to go find this food. So I call, I got, I got to leave and look for the food. I got to walk outside, look for the food. And, and, and Kristen's like nervous about something. Cause the nurse is calling the doctor. And when the nurse calls the doctor and there's only the nurse in the house. They're like, well, why the, why did the nurse call the doctor and there's only the nurse in the house they're like

why would the nurse call the doctor what's going on and then kristen looks at me and she says something's wrong and i'm like what what's wrong she said something's wrong and i'm like what do you mean what's wrong the not the uber shit like with our kid and she said she looked at me and she actually said his head's smaller and And I said, smaller than what? She said, it's smaller than it was. Rage. rage rage i have to deal with two things now the uber guy is dropping food off all willy-nilly and now i have to deal with my wife's hypochondria. I got to tell, it's one of those moments where you're like, okay, guess I'm going to have to say this ridiculous sentence because I had to say it.

I looked at her and as calmly as I could, I said, sweetheart, nobody's head ever gets smaller. Now let me go find out where our fucking breakfast burritos are. And I was so angry because I didn't want to fucking, but it was just too much for me to deal with. You know, sometimes you let that anger get, it just bubbles, dude. And you just, it's all, God's just like, let me toss you another one. I'll toss you another one.

You get all these today. You get all these stones today. And you're just like, no, come on, God. No, no. And I'm like, look out and do my favorite thing to do to the Uber Eats guys because they can't ever, how many times did they find your place? How many times did they find your place?

For me, it's fucking 40% of the time. I got to go out there and have like a fucking airplane flag or some shit or one of those, or no, the fucking lit up ones, like the really short lightsabers that the fucking bitch ass guys have when they're trying to land the planes in fog. Or they just creeping on a come up, dude.

They're just creeping on the fucking hill. And I'm like, bro, I do lunges up this hill faster than you drive. Look at the numbers. And the dude, I was nowhere. I look up, I look down, nowhere in sight. So I fucking call the guy and I say, hey man, where is the food? And he says, I dropped it off. And I said, no, uh, cause it's, it's not at my door.

I'm looking at it right now. And I say the address and he says the same address I said, except for one number is different. I said, except for one number is different. Now, if you drop a, if you're looking for an address and one number is different, you could be anywhere else. You could be anywhere fucking else. I looked at both my neighbors, one there. Depending on the number too, it could be really far away. The number he got wrong wasn't the last number.

It was the second to last number. If it was the third to last number or AKA the second number, I would have shit all over the road. If it was the first number, I would just would have moved all over the road. If it was the first number, I would just would have moved to the new place. But he says, no, it's this place. And I say, I'm not gonna say my address, but say it's like one, two, three, four.

He says, yeah, I dropped it off. I said, one, two, three, four. He said, no, one, two, four, four. And I said, it's one, two, three, four. And I screamed it out. And he came and then he drove up and I already had gotten the thing from one, two, four, four or whatever the fuck. And then I, and then I say, and then I say, look at the fucking thing. It's bright right here.

It says on the ticket. I let my anger get the best of me, dude. And I feel bad. I feel bad. I actually feel really badly. I truly actually feel badly. And I, uh uh i want to apologize to that guy he he i don't know if he fucking i don't know if he listens to this podcast

psych we're, you know, we do it. But we have a good time. But your boy's on vacation. Look at this. Dude, Kanye West, you know? Take that fucking thing off your face. How about that? Hey, take over dude the fucking thing that his bedroom in mercedes-benz stadium since he's living there to finish up the donda album first of all danda what is it oh it is oh that's sweet i like that that's cute oh i love

that i'm gonna call my next special ellie that's cute i love that she died right of uh some kind of surgery so sad no can't really make fun of Kanye, can I? Hmm, well, fucked myself there, didn't I? Nah, but take the red thing off your face. It is cool. He is monochromatic. Great. Went from, uh, making fun of him in a light mood to talking about his dead mom to, now I'm jealous of the way he is monochromatic.

Y'all think we still get in the project next week? Power 106. Bro, he'll just, dude, he did the listening party or whatever. It was in like a whole stadium and did he not say anything? Just weird. Weirdness.

And here's the other thing too, because he's very talented. But people will now be like, oh, got to be weird to be talented and just fuck up the whole game. They've been doing that, by the way. People think just because they're weird, they're talented. Kind of sending the wrong message out there. Damn, that's sweet he named it Donda. That hits me right here, dude.

Head smaller. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Hitting for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security

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I'll tell you right now one thing I noticed in Ice Road and that I think I noticed before in other Liam Neeson movies, but I wasn't equipped to understand the magnitude or idea of it. Because sometimes your brain births an idea. And sometimes you don't realize until you fully understand that, that idea was already given birth before you even thought about it. Do you understand what I'm saying? I thought I thought of something, and then I realized it's a truth.

It's out there. And what I'm about to tell you is the idea and the truth. Liam Neeson has the sexiest nose out of any man I've ever seen in my life. That's it. Wrap it up. We should go.

So podcast is over. So it's all good. So we figured it out. So anyway, let's, let's pack up and we should, we should probably get out of here. How can I go up from there liam neeson has the sexiest fucking nose out of any not only action movie star any male there that i've ever seen that's it we should all right let's pack up let's pack up we gotta go we figured it out

we figured out there's some real work here on this podcast. Let's go. Have you seen it? It starts in the middle of his forehead. His nose starts here. Strong. It's like a fist that just pops out of his forehead and then just goes straight down at an angle of like i'd say whatever that is because i'm not a mathematician and it stops in the middle of where a nose and a mouth should be and that's where his nostrils are. And it's so fucking strong. It's just basically two fists and it's so sexy, dude. And I'm man

enough to say it. Liam Neeson's nose. You talk to anybody. Here's the deal. You talk to some guys that'll be like, Oh, how can I tell? I'm not gay. I can't take those guys out of the equation. Those guys I don't understand. When guys are like, what am I gay? I can't tell if a guy's good looking. One time I asked my friend, oh yeah, is that guy good looking? I don't, cause I didn't meet. I was like, yeah, well, what's his deal?

Was he tall? Is he good looking? He's like, I don't know if he's good looking. I was like, what do you mean? He was like, well, I'm not gay. I'm not attracted to guys. He's like, bro, what are you talking about? You know, if a guy looks like cool or if he's like bro what are you talking about you know if a guy looks like

cool or if he's like me hello with a like bringing a fucking slushy that's an ugly dude i brought my own snacks to the movie like that guy's ugly as shit But if you look like fucking You know what I mean If you got your vacation shirt on Your hair coiffed back And you're looking at literally No one And you're a tall drink of water

Then oops, oopsie daisy You're good looking That's why I gotta practice not making eye contact bro Cause I gotta get sexier You know What were you saying Just looking What were you saying

They're right here What's that what were you saying What were you saying So you know Take those guys out Cause I don't believe in those guys. All right? At all.

You're out. I don't know if you're homophobic or what it is. Those guys are gone. You take a check and she's like, I mean, yeah, it's all right. You know, she lying. What does it, what about the two fist thing? Look, he's got two fists and they just come out of it. They stop. It is a big nose and she lying.

It's all good. But you know that now. The reason why I knew in this movie versus other Liam Neeson movies that he had the sexiest nose of all time was because a lot of the time the camera was in the passenger seat and he was just driving. So you get to see a nice profile shot of Liam Neeson and that fucking cock nose, dude. He is just, that cock nose is fire. I've got a dick on my face. The problem is, you don't think I'm sexy.

And I'd agree with you. Except for one thing. I'd like you to take a look in between my eyes, above my mouth, and below my hairline. What is that? Before you answer, no, it's not two fists.

Get a little lower. Get in a horse stance. Look up. Do you see those two saucered holes? No, no, no. Exactly. If I breathe out right now, you'll die. If I breathe out slowly, you'll die slowly. If I get in a horse stance too, you'll disappear into my nose.

Walk away, do it quick, because I'm going to turn my head. And if I do, and you're not fast enough, you'll get hit with my cock nose and fly off that cliff. Dude, I love this podcast. That's it. You know? I love it. Get to talk about Liam Neeson's nose for 20 fucking minutes And you guys just listen And NPR's out there like

Well you know technically You're not sure in space and time Continuum and shit every time I turn on NPR The funny thing about the space and time continuum What the fuck is that Dude I googled space time the other day I swear to god I was like I gotta know what it is

I'm 41. I got to know what space time is. Okay. It can't just be something that one of my friends says too much. I have one friend that says it way too much. Everybody has the one friend that says space time too much. And you're like, dude, all right. But how about this?

I want to learn. I want to be a better person. So maybe I am the problem. Maybe I should look up space time and maybe I should understand what space time is. Now I'm just a lowly comedian podcaster, right? I'm not even a fucking, I'm not even close to a scientist. I don't even know one scientist. So I was like, let me just Google space time. You could Google everything. That's on me. If I don't know what a term is, that's on me. You could understand it. And as my mommy says, I'm smart. So I Googled space time, dude, 11 minutes. Okay.

I give up. I give up, dude. You got me internet. I'm done. I tried for 11 minutes. I actually tried less than that. I tried probably for like six minutes, dude. I'm out, man.

I read space time over and over again. I Googled it. I looked at websites. I watched videos, dude dude i'm out if something's that confusing bye bye if something's that confusing see you guys later out of the fucking airplane pop the chute me me after i fucking bail from looking at space time playing on fire zipping by me a bird just smacks me in the face

me after i look up space time for six minutes dude i don't know what the fuck it means look up look at the the fucking definitions that they have for space time just let me let me look it up and let's try to understand this together dude space time look at this i'm googling space time all right space time noun physics noun space time i don't know why fucking dictionaries always do that by the way you look up car it'll be like noun car car car noun automobile car car and you're like i already know what the fuck i'm looking up oh really car means car it'sbron the braun french for the braun um here it is space time the concepts of time and three-dimensional space okay okay the concepts of time first of all what the flying shithouse are the concepts of time?

Do you mean time? Stop being so cocksucky when you're writing the fucking dictionary, dude. Narrow it down. The concepts of time dude imagine you're at a dinner and somebody just says well you know the concept of time you would fucking take a plate of potatoes and make them go vertical you'd be like oh did you just say did you excuse me did you say concepts of time yes by any chance do you like vertical potatoes? And they'll say, no, but I just, vertical potatoes all over your face.

The concepts of time and three-dimensional space regarded. of time and three-dimensional space regarded has to be the stupidest fucking thing i've ever said in my life like like checking with the guy excuse me sir do you happen to like vertical potatoes boom because he says concepts of time dude that's the stupidest fucking thing i've ever said in my life wow that's fucking good dude i'm sweaty yes the concepts of time and three-dimensional space regarded as fused in a four-dimensional continuum. Hey, do I have to put the words in order to make the sentence? Is this one of those dictionaries? The concepts of time and three-dimensional space regarded as fused in a four. What?

Regarded as fused in a four. What are those words together? Regarded as fused in a four dimensional continuum Bye Bye so long friends See you next episode Me Me after I bail from

Guys sorry I see myself Oh I did it because I did it twice Got it Because I bailed twice Once, sorry, I see myself. Oh, I did it because I did it twice. Got it. Because I bailed twice. Once on my podcast and once by myself. And then in quotes after that, the curvature of space-time.

Get the fuck out of here, dude. Get out. Dude, how is this an explanation of space-time? You know what space-time is, right? What? The explanation of space-time? You know what space-time is, right? What? The curvature of space-time? Oh, I'm a fucking asshole. These are like, I knew fucking, who made this fucking dictionary?

A dumb guy from New Jersey? I know these guys from back home, dude. They'll say something and you'll be like, what's that mean? And they'll just say, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like like and just say the same fucking thing that they just said do you know what i'm talking about you'll be like yeah you've got fucking you know you ever you ever fucking try to make origami it's hard what's origami you know like fucking you know like origami you know you got the thing and it's like fucking origami these are just a fucking dumb guy from new jersey made this fucking dictionary what's space time, you know what the fuck.

It's like, you know, you got, you know what I mean. It's fucking space-time. It's like space-time. You know what I mean. That's a fucking dumb guy from back home. And this is the definition from Oxford Languages. British people thought of this shit. The concepts of space-time and three-dimensional

space regarded as fused in a four-dimensional continuum, rather. The curvature of spacetime is... I just, like, how am I supposed to know what the fuck this shit is? It's... somebody dumb it down for me, man. man i decided jeff bezos is doing it all wrong from my last shit horizontal in his cock the last episode of this of this podcast entitled horizontal in his cock i did a fucking i put out a fucking jeff bezos cliff that clip that did fucking stupid numbers i mean bro it was like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding just like like like like like subscribe subscribe like like like like like ding ding ding

ding bell notification ping ping ping ping It was just doing fucking whack job numbers. And I just thought about him a lot since then, dude, he's doing it all wrong, man. You think it's fucking crazy going to outer space? Oh, you got all the money. You're going to go to outer space. Big boy. Fuck that dude. If I had $131 billion, I'm doing crazy, subtle, unique shit. Crazy, subtle, unique shit. I'm just fucking buying a chopper, loading it up with sandwiches, and just dropping them off. Just in the air, dropping them off. Not even flying high.

Just kind of like scraping along the fucking, the lowest as I can, and just dropping off sandwiches. So low that they're like, why didn't he just take a van? Just so low. Just dumping sandwiches out. The kind that not many people like, too. Just mortadella. You've got to be like a real Italian to like this shit. And I'm still, I'm in like Utah dropping off mortadella sandwiches.

And they're just like, what the fuck is he doing that for? Because he's stupid subtle. Because he's stupid subtle, dude. What do you mean? Well, dude, he said it ever since Bezos went to the fucking moon in a cowboy hat and a watch on the outside of his space suit. D'Elia decided if he was going to make $131 billion, he was just going to be stupid subtle about it. And that's why he's got the chopper full of mortadella. And I'm just going to drop him off.

Hungry or not, here you go hungry or not and guess what i'm gonna do save world fucking hunger dude i'm gonna save the world if i have 131 billion dollars i'm gonna save at least american hunger and poverty it's gone dude i'm hiring hitmen for like fucking uh uh anteaters and just tweeting all day about how shitty ants are oh well if you ever fucking get bitten by a bunch of them it really actually hurts gone dude expensive hitman the best of the best a matter of fact fuck that i'm gonna get the actual liam neeson to do it. Will you play Hitman? Hey, Jason Statham. Liam, nice to meet you.

Love your cock nose. And hey, Jason. So you guys are going to have to go kill all the anteaters. Here's literally 40 of my billion dollars. Have fun. I got sandwiches to toss out. Zook, zook, zook, zook, zook, zook, zook, zok, zok, zok, zok, zok, zok, zok, zok, zok, zok. Yeah, he really means business, doesn't he, mate?

Gave us $20 billion each to try and kill Annie, doesn't he? I don't even know where they are. Neither do I. I did find it odd, though, that he was hanging upside down from his knees off of the fucking thing that goes below the chopper or whatever the fuck you call that when you step into it with a bunch of sandwiches and he scraped my nose with the blade um would have been much funnier if i could know what the fuck the stand rail thing was called but uh yeah dude i'm doing it man i'm gonna unload so many sandwiches that people are gonna be like like, all right, Chris,

it's getting weird. Sandwiches actually doesn't, it's, it's hurting much more than. You, we, it was helpful in the beginning and it really did save world hunger, but like, it's not the thing that sandwiches doesn't fix everything. You can't just try to fix all the world's problems

with sandwiches. I'll join the fucking army, bro. First line, Iron Man gear. Oops, can't get me. What the fuck is Jeff Bezos doing? Going a little bit up in space. He didn't even go up into the real space. He went up a little bit and was just like,

ha ha, psych, and went back down, dude. It was like, well, your girl's like, can I try a little, just a piece of my finger in your butt? After it's old. After you're in a relationship for a long time. Let's just try it. We haven't tried. And she gets one digit and you're like, no, no, no, never mind. No, never mind. No, never mind.

I don't want that. That's what Jeff Bezos did. I'll go into space. He got up to space here and then goes, wow. And before he was done with wow, he was already back in the fucking atmosphere. Fuck that. I'm scraping along the 101 and a chopper tops and not sandwiches to fucking Tesla's driving by. And they're just like, dude, they're in the way, swerving. I said, fuck you you it helps world hunger i'm stupid subtle if i'm 131 billionaire

guy thinks he's crazy because he goes out into outer space and laughs and says hell yes bro i'm the guy so subscribe to my patreon patreon.comcom slash Chris D'Elia. It helps me get stupid subtle. I don't know what you guys want from me, but you have it all. Everyone out there is spending money wrong they made a movie on hulu called jolt with fucking beck and sale kate beck and sale or whatever the fuck and it's just like dude you want to be like give it up you just want to be like give it up the movie what's the movie about? I'll tell you.

I'll tell you what it's about. A lot of you probably don't know. The movie's about a woman who has an anger problem. And she's also, because of that anger problem, so strong. I don't know. You're looking at me like, what, Chris? I don't know You're looking at me like what Chris I don't know Is it a superhero movie

Or is it just a movie where she's actually I don't know So some kind of genius guy Creates a device that isn't Quite ready yet Really But it's not quite ready yet And it's not sold to any markets yet but he hooks her up

with a fucking goddamn garage door opener and she every time she gets so angry she just start beating the shit out of people she'll just click the fucking garage door opener looking thing. And then she, she's out on a date and the guy, the guy's like, I don't know. I don't know. Says some shit. And she's like, and her eyes dilate and she gets all pissed and she clicks the garage door opener. And she's like, snaps her back into reality. And it's not a comedy. That's the movie.

And it's not an adam sandler movie it's a kate beckinsale movie about how dude these movies where i'm sorry but these movies where women do spin kicks to fucking like like guys that look like big thumbs like you just it just make it a superhero movie the movie salt was the worst one where uh angelina jolie was just like kicking at kicking everyone's ass but not a superhero and you're just like all right what world are we in queen latifah is the fucking equalizer. What's going on? She's 50 and she's beating the shit out of judo champs. Sup? Um, yeah, this movie is called Jolt with Kate Beckinsale. It's, I wouldn't even believe it if fucking a young Sly Stallone was in it.

And that dude can really bang. Sly Stallone was in it. And that dude can really bang. The fucking show Sex Life. Kristen put it on a little bit. And then on the third episode, the guy shows his cock, you know. It really hit me like a ton of bricks because I was like,

because the guy in the, the, the show is cheesy. And the guy, I don't watch, I watched the first episode. And then she sent me a video of her watching the third episode where the guy shows his fucking large cock. And I was like, what are you watching taken?

And she, I said, Oh, sorry. I thought that was Liam Neeson's nose. And, um, she,

and, and, uh, it, this guy's naked and he turns around. The guy is cheesy in the show. He might be a good actor. You never really know because the whole show is cheesy, so it's the director's fault. It's not the actor's fault.

If everybody's good, it's the director's fault. If everybody's bad, it's the director's fault. You know what I'm saying? And so he's just being cheesy and I'm like cringing i'm like that guy's so cringy and she's like he's sexy and i'm like oh i'm way off all right i don't get it okay all right okay this is your deal here this is your deal let's watch it let me watch just the part of his cock and i was like and she was like it is so big and I was like let me see and she shows it to me the clip

and I'm like sweetheart that's fake and she was like are you just jealous and I'm like I don't give a I mean if it's real but it's not it's just not real.

And she was like, whatever. And so we looked it up and we looked it up, dude. And the guy was interviewed about it. And he said, a gentleman never tells. And she was like, oh, so it is real. I was like, dude, that means if if he's if it's not his real cock that is the worst way to answer that question because sancy the mayor of cincinnati you're so insecure dude a gentleman never tells it's not my cock you know what i mean a gentleman never tells my cock's not my cock. You know what I mean? A gentleman never tells. My cock is a lot smaller than that.

But like you can't. So I looked it up and then I looked up another interview and the show confirmed it was a fucking prosthetic cock. Prosthetic cock. It was a fucking fake cock on his real cock. Prosthetic cock on his real cock. Prostate cock on his real cock. Like, dude, don't fucking be cute about it if it's not your actual ding dong. Hey. This is the shit that sucks because I want to be interviewed about these things so I can say the correct things.

Hey, Chris, we noticed in the show Sex Life that your piece was rather large. Is it real? And I have rehearsed for months a musical number called Nope. And that's when i just kick it off as a matter of fact it's not as a matter of fact it's not some cocks are big some cocks are small but this one this one is it mine nope like that's how it ends that's how it ends. That's how it ends. This one isn't mine. Fucking just, and I have a company with me. Like 20 guys that you even recognize them. Like just like, oh, I think I saw that guy in a fucking Allstate commercial or something. As one of the third guys in the classroom.

Is it mine? Nope. Everyone's doing it all wrong dude Patreon.com You know what I mean Don't even if you don't want to I just like it's like I think being a comedian

Maybe I ruined it Maybe I should have been somebody else that I could have done something and then been this guy. Do you know what I mean? Because then people would be like, oh, I mean, bro, if, let's put it this way. If, let's put it this way. If Tom, the guy from MySpace, did this shit that I'm talking about. It's over.

It's over for everyone. Because there's that guy now. But now they expect that from me because I'm a funny guy. I need to get more serious. I need to shred this image, get more serious, and then come out with the drop-in sandwich of shit. It's just that I need to get stupid subtle. Space time. You know. Space time.

For the fucking. Space time. For the fucking. Space time. So clear. Um, on the dictionary. Wow. Imagine the guy had to say every word. What is that? This is what he did after.

This is him after he did it. Watch. He went. Space time. What even is that? That's what he did. Can somebody explain that to me? And then the next thing he said was, never mind.

But yeah, dude. Whoa, it's Johnny. What else did I want to talk about? I don't know, man. Oh, what? Okay. One fire is going to text me something. I wonder if it's fucking good or not.

I wonder if it's fucking good or not I wonder if it's fucking every time oh you got a fucking space time thing here oh it's with what's his name oh a beautiful oh it's with oh these two oh wow dude okay well let's look at it Oh, it's with, oh, these two? Oh, wow, dude.

Okay, well, let's look at it. Did you text it on the, oh, okay, here it is. What is space time with these two, wow, with these two guys? What is space time? First of all, couldn't even be more William Shatner than how it started it's called star talk wow really fucking wringing that towel dry you know what i mean what is space time what is space time you know by the way william shatner is one of those guys that like what is space time?

You know, by the way, William Shatner is one of those guys that like completely gets his age wrong by a decade. You know what I mean? He's like, oh my, oh no, I am. Oh, wow. I guess I, yeah, I said 68, but. You already know.

You. The most cocky. How could something be so unabashedly cock... Within one second, dude. This is unreal, dude. What is space time? You already know. Ah!

Dude! You already know. You have never met someone God he comes in so hot Fucking Jaleel Degrass Tyson What the fuck's his name Neil Degrass Tyson

Neil Degrass Tyson Neil Degrass Tyson Neil Degrass Tyson And He comes in so hot. You know what I mean? Just born to be a teacher. Right?

It's interesting you should say that because I have already, I already have all of the information. It's interesting that that's something you'd ask about because I already know an infinite amount of that particular subject. I just asked you where the milk was. There are nine gallons of milk in the refrigerator and there are many, many more gallons in the grocery store down the street and beyond that into the loading docks, and beyond that, into the larger grocery stores that supply the grocery stores,

there is an infinite amount of milk. You're just like reaching in the fridge. Okay. What is space time? You already know. Wow. You have never met someone at a place unless it was also at a time. You have never met someone at a place unless it was also at a time.

You have never met someone. Okay. So it seems very obvious what he just said. You have never met someone at a place. Wow. What did he say? Hold on. I'm going to go back.

Also at a time. You have never met someone at a place unless it was also at a time. Okay, cool. You have never met someone at a time unless it was. Okay, I get it. Well, don't cut him off. An actor. Well, don't cut him off.

Some guy who got lucky. Don't cut him off, some guy who got lucky. This is a guy who actually has degrees. He's got so many degrees, his middle name is practically degrees. Neil Degrees Tyson. And this guy who fucking acted like he was on Mars for 140 years, never been on Mars, but acted like it is like, I'll say something now. Well, wait a minute. What happens to a photon from 13 billion point 800 million years?

Wow. So disrespectful and so drunk. What happens to a photog that's 100 billion trillion gadrillion 18.6 fraction of a fucking bitch years? Comes this way and enters my eye so I can see it. It got drunker. And it enters my eyes so we can see it. Why? Where is, where is space involved in that?

Dude, Neil deGrasse Tyson has the way he's trying to compute. You know what, dude? You basically have the smartest guy and the stupidest guy talking. You know what I mean? And I'm not saying William Shatner is the stupidest guy, but pretty much anybody's the stupidest guy if

you're talking to him. And he's just like, hold on a second. Where's space and all that? It's space in my eye. It entered your eye at

a time and at a place right here. Wow. That's all that matters is that is all is that all once you have formalized space and time and know that they're conjoined then you can make all kinds of fascinating calculations well what is all that the train's going and i'm walking down there i'm walking down the train i'm walking on the time and the thing is james what is all that that's all the consequences of thinking about space and time.

How bad are both of their breaths, for real? You can tell because of the room they're in. As conjoined. But it's confusing. So? Not only is it, the universe is under no obligation to make sense to William Shatner. No, but William Shatner is under the obligation to make sense of the universe as is you are doing. And why do I slow down

as I approach the speed of light? Does it apply to a photon 13? Now you want to freak out? I don't want your head to explode. You ready?

But you're my asshole. You're not ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. Okay. The faster you go, the slower time. Turn around and check this out.

Look, the cosmos. Say that again? The faster you move, the slower time... Turn around and check this out. Look, the cosmos. Say that again? The faster... Move. Yeah. Slower time takes it for you as seen by others. Right. As you approach the speed of light, time continues to slow down.

Yes. At the speed of light, time stops. Which means for a photon moving at the speed of light when it is absorbed in your retina it is the same instant it was emitted at the big bang 14 billion years ago that's what i thought oh it is guy oh it is some guy dude on a fucking believable dude Jeff Bezos like hell yes dude unbelievable this guy Neil deGrasse all right I guess okay okay no Neil deGrasse Tyson will do anything dude he'll come to the fucking opening of a jack-in-the-box. Well, I mean, you know what I mean?

Well, I heard you can get two tacos for 99 cents. Do you know if you had four tacos that that's $1.98? And six tacos. I've come here to tell you that there are billions and billions of tacos that have been made and billions and billions that could be ever made. And an infinite amount of hot sauce. That you can put on those tacos and eat them. And if you're Chris's friend from high school, you can eat 20 of them at a time. It's disgusting.

It's an infinite amount of absolute disgusting, disgusting shit. Dude, just fucking, he'll go to the opening of a fuck, I swear to God he's been to every book signing that's ever been. Dude, hello Pamela Anderson. signing that's ever been.

Dude, hello, Pamela Anderson. Just every fucking, who else has written a book, you know? Hello, fourth guy from NSYNC. You wrote a book about your road life. Could you inscribe, please, on the inside flap? I already wrote something there. Can you read it? Billions and billions?

Yes. If you lived forever, did you know that you could make billions and billions of songs? Within sync, if they lived forever too. Okay. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Get it? I've made that joke billions and billions of times. He's fucking weird.

Just keep signing. I drink loud. Um, so yeah. Um, another thing is I gotta go but I'll save that till next time alright you guys you've been really really great and uh

thank you so much for listening patreon.com slash chris d'alia and uh the merch is just great you guys gotta be uh gotta be on that merch we twitch we're on twitch come on down you got to type in flex avenue on twitch it's a little hidden uh name there for the pod from the podcast flex avenue on twitch you watch why don't you come twitch with me sounds uh weird to say it

that way but that's how they say it so i'm doing it like that and it's fun. I'm learning how to play video games and shit. And also, yeah. Um, what else? The merch, Patreon, and, uh, remember to fucking put a blazer on that like button and, uh, dress up that fucking bell notification real nice. And then also subscribe, dude, subscribe. Uh, it helps the numbers and it helps me if you like the podcast or whatever. Real nice. And then also subscribe, dude. Subscribe. It helps the numbers and it helps me if you like the podcast or whatever.

And if you don't like it, then fucking whatever, dude. But if you do like it. Hell yes. Hey, guys, that's it for YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, go on over to Patreon, which is patreon.com slash chris talia and watch the rest of it and if you do we appreciate you thank you very much there's also other stuff on patreon like behind the scenes stuff and uh also um other episodes that are unlocked once you become a member um i appreciate you guys. Thanks. Bye. Congratulations. Stupid subtle is funny though. And,

um, what was the other one? Smooth idiot is good too.