Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 203. Satan's At My House

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode we've got Satanic Toasters, city council meetings, American Gladiators and much much more! 🎮 New Twitch Channel! twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. free. Yes, you heard that right. From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaws is committed to fresh, so you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. This is another episode of Progzebra Nation. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. It's congratulations. It's another episode of congratulations. Dude, we're doing it. Why is this thing over the desk? We started out already fucking it all up.

Oh yeah, dude. It is what it is, but we got to go make this go under it. We got to make that go under the desk because when it goes over, over the desk, so bitch how I'm doing it. When it goes over the desk, it fucking pulls my head. And when it pulls my head, I look so bitch. So either way, I look so bitch. So really we had to just make sure it was, um, it was a bitch moment, but whatever, dude, sometimes you have some bitch moments and then you get through them and it's all good.

Uh, but we're having a good time. And, uh, I feel like we're already firing on all syllables and, um, and everything is good. Are you, did you just turn the volume down or something? Well, why would you do that? Isn't that crazy? You couldn't hear it? Oh, we'll turn hers down. But why would you turn mine down?

Crazy, right? Wow. Let's yeah, we got it. Good. Now I'm good. Now what we want to do is not touch mine. Right. Remember when P Diddy would be all like, turn me up in the headphones or like Mace would be like turn me up in the headphones and then every rapper was like turn me up in the headphones

people would start a fucking freestyles off like that and people would be like there's no headphones um I'm keeping it really fashionable and nice I got that fucking pleated shirt on be more memorable because if somebody can't remember you, that's fucking your fault. And this is what you do to represent that notion. We represent notions all day long. If you are a cult member for congratulations, meet me at the fucking log cabin one day. So, uh, it's very beautiful. It's very nice.

And it fucking scoops. It's very cool. I got that fucking chain on. Like I'm, like, I'm basically, you know, carrying on the torch for DMX, dude. When I saw DMX had that short chain in 1999, I was like, I can't wait to fucking grow up to wear that one day. So he keeps it real. I drink, I drink coffee and I just keep drinking it and nobody can stop me. My therapist says, maybe, you know, you drink too much coffee and I say maybe and then i fucking go to sleep and then the next day we do all over again so that's what's up um you know

it's uh whatever day it is whatever you're listening to it um and we love being here for you guys and by we i mean me let's just jump right into it. This is the greatest fucking... This was on Gawker. I really don't know much about Gawker. To me, Gawker sounds like something that is like not... I don't know if it's legit journalism or what. I have no fucking idea. But this was a real interview.

It becomes normal. This is a real interview about a fucking toaster. It's a swing of it. It becomes normal. I mean, after you've seen a fucking toaster. It's a swing of it. It becomes normal. I mean, after you've seen a haunted toaster. Let's stop it right there. Let's stop it right there. Let's stop it right there.

Haunted toaster are never two words that should go together. Okay? Because toasters only do one thing, and that's make bread hot. They make bread crispy. That's what they do. Know what they don't do? Possess you. Know what they don't do? Possess you. Know what they don't do?

Go, ooh. A toaster's one thing, and that's a toaster, okay? But let's keep going, dude. Let's keep listening. Guy looks like Francis Ford Coppola. All good. Now there's a fucking elbow of a chick. Let's see when they zoom out what she looks like.

We heard. A Q-tip. Her head is the top of a Q. Let's see when they zoom out what she looks like. We heard a Q-tip. Her head is the top of a Q-tip. Or the bottom of a Q-tip. Because if you turn a Q-tip around, it's the same shit. It's one of those things like race car. When you take race car, you flip all the letters around, it still spells race car. Or

toot. This lady is basically the fucking human equivalent of toot. So... Why was this a hairdo by the way in the fucking what was it the early 80s why was this a hairdo dude just that one big poof just a big fucking poof it looked like right before the atom bomb got real where you really started to worry you know like you'd see an explosion be like whoa, whoa, that's big. And then you're like, wait a second. Oh, that's what her hair was. It just got that big before it fucking mushroom clouded. Um, so yeah, so that's what it looks like.

Let's find out her name. Her name is going to be something. I am the devil. Let's go a little bit back because when you do a when you play something and you and you stop it and then you talk about a little bit and then you play it on a podcast and then you don't realize you're at the part where the lady said i am the devil you gotta go back you gotta go back and you gotta say what the fuck she was talking about my bad for talking sometimes you know sometimes you know what i mean that happens especially like in relationships when i'm with k Kristen, a lot of times we'll be talking and I'll be saying something and

then she'll talk over me and then I'll be like, oops, right? Because the sentence never ends in my, and that was the last word I said, right? So if that was the last word I said, my, then what happened? I guess maybe I got cut off, right? And we shouldn't be doing that, should we? And then she goes, Chris. And I say, okay, so can I go back? And she says, okay. And then guess what? I forgot she goes, Chris. And I say, okay, so can I go back? And she says, okay.

And then guess what? I forgot what the fuck I was going to say. Yes, dude. Yes. Had to lay down the law. In the process of laying down the law, he forgot what he said, which is fine because you need to lay down the law

a lot in a relationship. All good. But it's real love real love oh i'm searching for a real love someone to whatever real love oh just fucking i could be in that group. I was six when it came out. So what did she say? They heard, I am the devil. They heard the toaster. What kind of voice did the devil have? A very low voice, I'd say, sounded like Eli Wallach.

Wow, dude. The toaster had a very low voice that sounded like Eli Wallach. The cool thing about this podcast is when I wake up in the morning, I never know about the sentences that will be coming out of my mouth later on in the day. And the one that shocked me so far is that Toaster had a low voice that sounded like Eli Wallach. But I ended up saying it. the toaster had a low voice that sounded like Eli Wallach. But I ended up saying it. If you had woke me up this morning and said,

hey, Chris, guess what you're going to either say or hear today? And I said, what? And you said, the toaster had a low voice that sounded like Eli Wallach. I would think one thing. It must be podcast day. It must be podcast day. And it is. Who's Eli Wallach anyway? I got to look him up.

Eli, I definitely heard the name before. Wow. Imagine a toaster talking, Eli Wallach. When did he die? 2014. Wow, he lived long. Wow, he lived to be 99.

What does he sound like? Let's see. Eli Wallach voice. Here we go. Eli Wallach, why he always plays the bad guy. Okay, so he played a toaster. I have a feeling that the first imprint you make on film... That's not him.

As a child, I used to see these movies... Is that him? No. Are you at all concerned that today people are a little bit aware of what violence in films is doing? And here you are, good, bad, and the ugly, as mean and vicious a performance and a thesis as

could be imagined. Yes, but you see, when you say violence... This is how he sounded? I don't think there's anything more violent than what's happening in the world today. Yeah, okay, but that's not the question, is it, Eli Wallach? Let's talk about... Well, okay, that's what Eli Wallach sounded like, dude. Maybe he sounded...

Subway. The Metro. Yeah. It took 20 minutes. This is what the toaster sounded like? And the first night after I finished working,

I had my makeup on, I'm sitting in the subway... Not even that evil. Hey, toaster's done. All right, so let's go back to this thing. I gotta fucking... Let's go back to this thing here.

Let's think... Let's see what the fuck this lady's getting at. Saved any of this satanic toast? Yes, I did save it because I wanted to be sure that somebody else would see it. Now this one... Can you see that, Richard? Save... The toast has an imprint that says that Richard Satan the toast

has an imprint that says Satan lives just eat it dude it says Satan lives she did it hey June O'Brien you did it hey june o'brien you did it hey you're trying to trick us that satan's in the toaster also how about the ego you gotta have to think even if she was being serious the ego you gotta

have to think my toaster is haunted but it's not just a demon satan's at my house that's unreal to be like my house is the one that satan comes to what about his you know what i mean what are they called evil Evil archangels. What about the fucking fallen angels? What about them, huh? Your house is so fucking dope with the periwinkle wallpaper. Satan showed up to that one. You think Satan doesn't like comfort? Satan is the shit, dude, in the underworld. Sorry, God.

But you know what I mean. When I was a kid kid i used to say swear words and shit and then i would go sorry god i'd look up in the air and i'd say sorry god as if god was up there looking down at me like this i'll send fucking satan down your toaster dude that was my ocd people somebody asked me the other day when did you know you had OCD? And I said, well, it fucking for sure flared its head when I was in my early 20s. And he said, oh, really? And I said, yeah, but there were always signs. And he was like, like what?

And should have said that. Whenever I said a swear word, I looked up and said, sorry, God. Now, that's just as ridiculous as thinking satan's cooking your sandwiches but however remember when you used to write an essay in high school and you just and it needed to be a certain amount of words and you just every other sentence was however so you'd be like fucking that's 16 however's i got fucking 16 words right there i would do it and uh when i exhaled my nose snot came out but then it went back in it was like when jeff bezos went to space he got up there a little bit and then whoa okay cool and then dipped out that's what my fucking

boogie did this is clicking around um so uh my my audio is clicking around. Yes. That's amazing. So, um, so yeah, so Satan lives with this. It's just the ego people have to think that like for even for me as a, as a six-year-old when I would say, sorry, God, or even as an 11-year-old to say, sorry, God, to fucking be like, okay, but that's something an 11-year-old does. But this woman is a full-fledged adult saying hey to believe let's say she does believe this and she's not trying to trick people which i think she is trying to trick people to think that we're not the like we're such big idiots that we don't think that you do that you did that and tried to trick us is one thing. But if we say you thought we believed you, still, what about your fucking ego that Satan is at your house?

Also, Satan lives. That's how he's going to say it in your toast? You think Satan can't pick up a fucking marker? You think Satan can't fucking find where your lipstick is and write it on your toast? You think Satan can't pick up a fucking marker? You think Satan can't fucking find where your lipstick is and write it on your mirror? He's going to burn your bread? He's going to burn it in your bread? Dude, it's so annoying when people think that ghosts and shit are real. I got a buddy that literally was like, I said to him, I was like, do you believe in that shit? All that paranormal shit? And he says, oh, a hundred percent. And I was like, why? And he said, Oh dude, I fucking, cause I know it does. Cause it,

cause it, cause it happened to me once. And I said, really something irrefutable. And he was like a hundred percent. And I said, well, what is it? And I said, and dude, keep it short. And he said, okay, I'll try. I swear to God. It took an hour. Kristen, he was doing voice notes cause I was like, don't text. It's going to take too long. He was doing voice notes. Kristen at 45 minutes in, she was like, what the fuck? What are you listening to? It was him telling me how one time he moved into an apartment in fucking Los Angeles and like his, his car had a boot on it. And then a tire was missing. And then like, it looked like there was burnt wallpaper and then hair in his bathtub. And he

thought it was the guy that used to live here that fucking killed himself. And I'm like, that's not irrefutable evidence, man. This shit never happened to me. Where's my toast? Where's my Satan toast? Where's my lipstick on the mirror that says, watch out, watch behind you. Where's all that shit? Where's the lights even flickering, dude?

It's always explainable by electricity or science lives uh just terrible is the toaster still possessed i i we're we still have trouble off and on with it yes oh she's cooking toast now here we go for the people that listen and it doesn't work of course it's not working now they won't even go down it seems to be aware it first of all you're not it's like a baby okay if you start talking about satan you got to say him or at least her you know i don't know what he identifies as or what but you don't say it it's like a baby dude you don't say hey did It's like a baby, dude. You don't say, hey, did it come yet? And you're like, what? Yeah, your baby.

He, you mean? You can't just, it's aware. If you're saying it, you know it's a goddamn toaster. I'm a good lawyer, dude. She's on the stand. So correct me if I'm wrong. You were saying, ma'am, with the puffy Q-tip head, you were saying that it was aware, right? Meaning what?

Meaning the toaster, right? Okay, but the toaster, if it's possessed, it would be who? It would be Satan. Okay, so Satan is what? I don't know. He's like a he? I'm sorry, he is? Yeah.

Okay, so if he's in the toaster, then he's the toaster. Well, yeah, but I, and you called it it. Well, yeah, but I rest my case. No further questions. Boom, got it right there. Technicality. Oh, shit. oh shit dude the toaster went bonkers and fucking wow it really okay so she set it up there's flames in the toaster that they come up and she goes oh why does that happen are you hearing that cut out all right then it's my shit she goes oh

Why does that happen? Are you hearing that cut out? All right, then it's my shit. And she goes, oh. Why have you kept this poster? Why have you kept this? Well, Richard. I love when somebody puts somebody's name in an answer that they're about to give.

You know? Like if you're, Like if Kristen would say, Chris, why did you do that? And I said, well, Kristen, I would already be in trouble. Do you know what I mean? And if she did it to me,

well, Chris, I would know I was in trouble. Either way, I'm in trouble. You know? But she says, well, Richard, I'll tell you. Let's see But she says, well, Richard, I'll tell you. Let's see what she says. Well, Richard, you know, when all is said and done, it makes good toast. Dude. You know how everyone's like, what's wrong with the world now we're headed to fucking extinction it's been like this you think june o'brien's new she's been around

well when all said and done you know yeah I know it's possessed, but it makes good toast. Know it. First of all, there's so many. There's how many of all's are there? I think three. First of all, know it doesn't because we saw the toast and it was burnt to shit. All right. All right.

Now, second of all, I'm just going to go to third of all, because there is a second of all, but third of all is the most crazy. does your toast have to be for you to allow Satan in your home? I mean, am I missing something here? Toast is toast, right? Like nobody ever eats toast and actually thinks, well, shit, that's some good toast, right? Toast is pretty much, you know, the deal from jump. Hey, here's bread. You want me to toast it? Sure. You already know you got it locked on.

It's not like a fucking sandwich. It's not like a, it's not like a, a fucking pizza. Domino's is different than the fucking place you're gonna go down the street i don't know what it's gonna it's toast it's fucking you could take a match to bread it's the same fucking thing and this lady is like well this toast though well this toast though that's why yes satan's here and it's stressful i don't know if my whole house is going to burst into flames like that toaster just did and i don't know if my son and daughter are going to live past however old they are right now because satan may be in them now currently but god damn this toast This toast.

Here's the second of all. Say you're eating the toast. Say it's the first time you notice something's janky or fucked up. Or Beelzebub has something to do with your fucking toaster, right? The toast comes up. And you literally see it. And imprinted in the toast. It's just a middle finger just right to you.

Or it says Satan lives or like, you know, fuck God. Sorry, God. And you look at it and your heart is beaten. You try it. You eat it anyway. I'll tell you what. Maybe. But not if you're June O'Brien.

And furthermore. How many times does it happen. Until you're like. Alright well fuck it. I want toast. I'm saying you don't eat it. Like if I made toast. And Satan lives popped out of my fucking thing. And I don't eat it. Like if I made toast and Satan lives popped out of my fucking thing and I

don't eat it. I just think, okay, I'm just going to pick a new piece of bread and then eat that. But say you made more toast and then it comes out. Satan lives. Satan still lives. Satan's still living, by the way. By the way, Satan's still in your toaster. These are all the things that they... At what point are you like, all right, fuck it. I need toast. And you eat it. No, you just get a new toaster. So she is

lying for sure. You know it. it fuck yeah i'm a good lawyer hey boyd madsen nbc news boca ratan florida and it happened in florida boy that's odd florida been janky as shit florida stays janky in this bitch stays janky in this bitch. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away?

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Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. Oh, boy. If you like this shit, subscribe to our YouTube. It helps. I saw a guy on Twitch the other day, and he was like subscribe to the youtube we ain't signing we ain't we we ain't leaving until we hit fucking this many followers and the and and people were just people were just signing up on youtube he had account and it was like ding ding ding ding ding and everyone was just subscribing to subscribe

to youtube he was saying it while he was eating like fruit by the foot and he was and there was a guy with a crutch in the background and then another guy who was just like standing there in his head with his hands in his pockets. And everyone was just like signing up and fucking subscribing and subscribing. And it's just like, Jesus Christ, is this just how you got to be? So shit, man. Subscribe to my YouTube. If you like it, fucking gently brush up against that like button.

If you love it, turn on them bell notifications. Buy a hat for that bell notification. Do whatever, man. Or sign up to my Patreon. You know, patreon.com slash Chrisris talia we love it we love it dude we put out a new segment called review mode it's out there it comes out bi-weekly and it's um and it's uh i think it comes i think we're putting them out fridays but second episode it came out the other day or is coming out i don't remember but anyway go to my patreon um yeah dude it's uh

june o'brien man this was the fucking what was the other one you sent me um you know my toaster sounded like eli wallach You know, my toaster sounded like Eli Wallach. Here is Will Someone Just Help on YouTube. It's titled. Hello. Hey, look at that. She couldn't look more like June O'Brien.

And this was three years ago. This lady has always existed. She's like the vampire of fucking white ladies. And there's so many of them. You have some in your family. They just pop up every now and then. And they wear those sleeveless motherfucking things. With their grandma arms. That are flabby you know.

You know those flabby grandma arms. My buddy's got flabby grandma arms. And I said dude your arms are so ugly. They look like flabby grandma arms. And we laughed so hard dude. And that's what it's like being a guy. Two girls together could never do that to each other. If a girl walked up to another girl. And they were were friends and they said hey what's up with that fucking inner tube around your belly that friendship's over if a guy said it to a guy

they get closer and that's the truth i only speak the truth dude i don't wear this DMX chain for nothing. My name is Lisa Ann White-Whitmer-White. Doesn't even know her own name. My name is Lisa Ann White-White-Whitler-White. I just moved here because I'm getting a divorce. And it's not final until September 18th. Okay.

My husband will not give me any money. Okay. Not one penny. Hmm. People always like to say that. The lawyer won't help me. Not one penny. My husband won't help me.

My dad, Marlon Lee Whitmer, he's a minister, won't help me. My stepmother won't help me my mother passed away seven years ago she won't help me she's dead she's in fucking june o'brien's toaster my dad and annie hockhausen making up. They wrote at very French. Making people. Making up the sentence, my dad and Annie Hockhausen wrote letters.

For my parents. Okay. So many people. Annie is my stepmom. So many people. I'm not quite sure why I'm here or what I'm doing. Ah, well, no shit neither way. You're just naming people.

If I was the fucking guy on the other side of it, I'd be like, well, so far you're just naming people. Order in the court. Order. Order in the court. She's naming too many people. Jim. Jim Hacksaw. Jim Duggan. Just goes on a WWF, people.

Brett the Hitman Hart wrote Jim Hacksaw Duggan. My lawyer is just entitled. Still naming people. Unreal, dude. This is like that DMX song when he was like, about three Keishes and kim lisa where he's just talking about all the women he slept with dang dang wait what was it what's that song

is that what these bitches want it's crass what these bitches want from i saw i heard the radio agent edit edit radio edit of that. I said this before in the podcast, and it sincerely was, what these people want from somebody. Just don't even play that song at that point. It takes the sting out of it. What these people want from somebody.

Just driving along the 10 freeway like, give me a fucking break, dude. Really? Somebody let me know what these people want from somebody. Just so vague. Also, did she say her fucking lawyer's name was Justin Titled? She's definitely making it up.

Hi, I'm Justin Titled. Are you fucking kidding me give me that and those clothes whatever you're wearing these are mine now what the fuck did he just walk out of the grocery store without paying yes i'm just entitled i don't know if you've ever heard of him. Well, we have now. Wow, dramatic pause. I'm moving down to Texas soon. Hey, lady. To help.

Okay, hey, lady. The. Lady, this is me while she's doing it. Children in Texas. Lady, why. I'm a very loving parent. Lady, why are you here? I'm a very, very, very loving parent. I have a 20 year old daughter

okay she's going to college at saint ambrose you just named another person she's in muscatine college lady you just made up a college elizabeth that's a very white name and oh more people she you're gonna talk about her? It's not helping me because she's 20. She's scared. She doesn't want her parents to separate or divorce. Okay. Ma'am, we're discussing the rezoning for the Portellos. Do you have any comments on that?

Dude, he let it go so far. He let it go two minutes and 15 seconds and basically said, ma'am, this is Domino's. Ma'am, we're discussing the rezoning for Portillo's. This is about an Italian restaurant. Why are you naming everyone you've ever met? For what? We're discussing the rezoning on 53rd for...

Well, I live on 63rd. Again, we're here to hear comments about the rezoning. Well, I don't like Facebook. Oh, that is amazing, dude dude she's gone to lunch already dude that is amazing well i don't like facebook dude i'm gonna use that bro that you know how much shit that could get you out of you know how much shit if you just stop everything and say well i don't i don like Facebook. You get out of tickets. Are you kidding me?

You get out of being a father that way. For real. A girl's like, I'm pregnant. You're like, well, I don't like Facebook. What? He lost his mind. You're not seeing my kid. And I don't like the internet

because I can't find a job. The library blocked my password. Now tell me, does that make any sense to you? Oh, definitely not. Ma'am, we're not here to discuss your personal life. I'm sorry. Do you have any comments about the rezoning? No, sir.

Have a good day. Thank you. Next. Dude, how? I'm Hal Reed. Wow. about the rezoning no sir have a good day thank you next dude how i'm hal reed wow wow how do you follow that i'm hal reed um so basically i know this guy named greg i know uh chauncey uh and then there's four women that i kind of i just went to lunch with their friends with my grandma my grandma couldn't come but it was ruth um okay listen this is about the rezoning of portellos we have to just stop you don't come up here and just tell me everyone you know i just met you too i understand how thank you very much

the fuck is wrong with everyone city council how about city council meetings you know what i mean one. City council. How about city council meetings? You know what I mean? Just showing up in Dockers. Has anybody ever not worn Dockers at a city council meeting? No. The answer is no. This is another good one.

Don't mean to make this a clip show. I know you guys do like it. Next is Richard Schwartz. Such a city council name, Richard Schwartz. Good afternoon. Afternoon. Oh, you can tell she's already pissed. Before you start the clock, could you stop it for a second?

It's real discouraging to come up here and see all the heads down. It's like... Sir, you're on a two- minute timer here, so let's go. Oh, absolute slam unreal. Absolute slam. Sir, you're wasting valuable seconds. You are on a two minute. First of all, he came in just, everyone in this situation is already mad.

Okay, well, I'm going to go up there, but their heads are down. If their heads are down when I get up there, you know, know i gotta have to say something because you know how i am right yeah and she was like i'm having the most fucking annoying awful day i swear to god if one person stammers that's docking their points already he's incredulous right now i'm not following you oh he does he does he does because i do that move too he does follow her because i do that move too and i know that move when that when you know they're making when they're making sense but they're not being nice i'm sorry i don't follow

you what's going on because there's a protocol here you're supposed to be nice to somebody and i'm being nice to you and i'm just casually kind of seeing what's up and you're not being nice so no i don't follow you so why don't we rewind time a little bit like Superman did when he flew around the world remember when Superman remember in that fucking Christopher Reeves movie Superman when he flew around the world you didn't know how he was going to save the day because fucking Lois already

died so he flew around the world backwards and he reversed time so why don't we get Superman to do that because I don't follow you you're on a two-minute timer. Slammed him again. Could you start it over, please? No, we're not going to.

Just go ahead. Just so angry. So it was unreasonable for you to ask that people look up and give me their attention? Sir, you have two minutes. We're all looking at you. You have two minutes. Now you have a minute and 30 seconds. Unreal.

Okay, well, I guess I won't be able to say it. Last week, you limited... This kind of goes to the heart of what I was going to talk about, which was the state of our democracy. You've got one minute left. Last week, you... Dude, there goes our state of our democracy. The woman goes...

So rude. So rude with a robe on. Limited speakers because of the number of speakers to one minute each. So rude with a robe on. are equal but some animals are more equal than others um i feel like i'm being treated now just because i 45 seconds asking for your attention like i noticed you all were very attentive to miss jayapal the other last week and i just wanted to ask for your attention before i started and i immediately got a hostile response back from you i don't understand that response back from you i don't understand that so you don't ever respond to citizens or what i do sir but you have two minutes for public comment to the agenda items oh man i remember on tape and i think it's a it's a pretty sad commentary that you think that asking

for you guys to look up offer your computers and give attention during this short period of time was an unreasonable thing. I really feel bad about that. Thank you. Damn, dude. That's fucked up, dude. But also, some audiences are hard, dude.

Some audiences are hard, dude. That's why you get those fucking assholes that go to american idol with like fucking one of those propeller hats you know because you're like i'm gonna make a difference be nicer dude hey lady in the fucking thing be nicer otherwise you're gonna get assholes that come up and try and and and show up and they're gonna think their toaster is fucking haunted this is exactly how you create these motherfuckers. No one's nice to this lady, June O'Brien in the eighties. So she's like, you know what? One day her brain just went and she said, Satan's in my toaster. Dude, that's literally what happened. This is what happens. Yes. I'm simplifying it. Am I a

therapist? No, but I get this shit, dude. We need to be nicer to each other. Yes, we need to have rules. Yes, we need to fucking abide by them. And when someone crosses them, that's not okay, but let's start with niceness. I used to walk into a room and think that everybody fucking hated me for one reason or another. And I used to think that ever since I was a little kid, is that my OCD? Yes. Sorry, God. But still, that's what I thought. That's what I thought up until my fucking late thirties. Just recently, I've been taking a look inward. Why the fuck do I think everybody hates me? Why do I think that? I made that shit up all in my head. Now, when I walk into the coffee bean and tea leaf, I fucking strut because maybe these people don't even know who I am.

How about that? It's not even necessarily that they have to like me, but I'm just being and maybe they don't even know who I am because I'll be damned if I'm a motherfucker when I turn 90 that thinks his goddamn toaster's haunted. I do stand-up, dude. I talk to these bad audiences. I've heard shit like, next. And I just replied with, hey, you know, that's what happens. Whatever the fuck I reply with, I'm a little out of practice but it's like come on dude let's be a little bit

nicer to each other so people's brains don't fucking break got too much brain breaking going on because of these dicks in congress put that on my fucking tombstone what you want on your tombstone fucking fuck congress they make people's brains break sir i meant your tombstone pizza remember that remember that commercial which meant your tombstone pizza. Remember that?

Remember that commercial? Which one? Your tombstone? Pepperoni? These fucking idiot commercials. Wow, it just said lead with niceness and now I'm calling whoever made these commercials idiots. What's this? Malibu on American Gladiators. So this was my Patreon. Patreon.com

slash Chris D'Elia. This was sent by, if you're a One Fire level patron, you can send me stuff to review and talk about. We have a segment ideas on the Discord. And this is by Mac Delicious. Change it. This is Malibu on American Gladiators. Now, I haven't seen this yet, but.

Universal Studios Hollywood and the American Gladiators. Now, I haven't seen this yet, but... Universal Studios Hollywood and the American Gladiators. Now, last time we saw our gladiator, Malibu, he was flying through the air from a tremendous kick delivered by Brian Hudson. And the last time he landed, we weren't sure where he wound up. I mean, you know... Hey, Malibu, after you got through... Oh, my God.

This guy is a guy this is dog the bounty hunter before he got fucking old and fat dude i love how everything in the 80s was so grand it was just like universal studios california dude you know what it's hilarious and there's still those guys that are out there that are uh that are like doing it because they're old like like that guy who announces fucking in the left corner let's get ready to rumble that guy's old there's no way a young guy would start that shit it's just he's too cool for it there's no fucking way he would just be like yeah we got two boxers let's go guys come on man i'm fucking live tweeting this vin scully you know is he still alive vin scully wow is it him that does the announcing

still finally they got rid of him he was the only guy no i'm just saying how long can you do it till one fire is a huge dodger fan he's like hey yeah but vince scully was just the side is retired just one guy they always had two guys they had the color commenter and then the fucking other boring guy you know that's why he was amazing is what one fire saying. That's why he didn't do two guys is better than one dude. Vin Scully was just the Dodgers, the Dodgers. Here comes Todd zeal up to the plate. Part of the reason was because it was so fucking slow. The way he talked, another guy would have been, you know, there were two guys there, but the other guy fell asleep.

Always. I were with, there is another guy here in the booth with me, but he's fallen asleep because I talk so slow and he can't get a word in edgewise. Usually it means if someone can't get a word in edgewise, the person is talking too fast for you to even comprehend how to interrupt. But for me, it's different. For me, you can get a word in edgewise because as I'm talking, the sweet serenade of my tone puts you completely out.

Swing and a miss, strike two. Dude, he'd always fit it in there. Swing and a miss, strike two. John Olerud's wife wouldn't let him out when he was younger to play baseball. But he loved it so much. I'm sorry, not his wife, his mom. Why the fuck is his wife? Shows that I've got deeper issues.

Hensley Mullen steps up to the plate, swinging a missed strike one, ball one. Those were just two pitches that went so fast, but I talk so slow, you won't be able to understand when how quickly the long fly ball deep to left, and he's a fucking Rob Dibble. John Kruk, swing and a miss, strike two. One more strike. Speaking of one, John Kruk only has one nut because he had testicular cancer and he's out. That's true. John Kruk had fucking testicular cancer.

And one time when I was in high school, I got out of a car and my nuts twisted. And this is true, dude. I got out of a car. My nuts twisted. They hurt so bad. Wouldn't stop hurting. Was embarrassed. Rob Kane said, hey, what's wrong?

And I said, I have a tummy ache because I didn't want to tell him my nuts twisted. Went home. Told my mommy my nuts twisted she was like what 30 minutes later i was like hey mom my nuts are still all twisted up she took me to the hospital they put a fucking whatever they do to see the babies the ek what is the thing that they put the goop on what's it called ultrasound and then they put the ultrasound on the fucking on my balls and she was like oh i got it your testicles torsioned your testicles torsioned by getting out of the suburban with rob kane it was after school one day before basketball practice that in LCHS, which is La Cunada High School, you stepped out of the white suburban

and your balls torsioned. So you had to go down to Verdugo Hills Hospital and get ultrasound on your nutsack. Side retired. hospital and get ultrasound on your nutsack side retired so i was like my balls are torsion and he and the lady was like yeah but the good thing is is it fucking torsioned back and i was just like my fucking balls auto corrected? Your balls can auto-correct themselves if you leave it be. I said, what happens if they didn't? She literally said, we'd have

to remove one of them. Oh, thank God they auto-corrected. If your balls didn't auto-correct, we'd have to remove one of them. What she said! autocorrect we'd have to remove one of them swatch side to my face

I'm a mother forgot it the fucking nurse said with a hand with a handful of jelly a nurse looked in my eyes with a handful of jelly. A nurse looked in my eyes with a handful of jelly

and another handful of ultrasound and said, if the balls didn't torsion back, we have to remove it. Such a sad... Move it! Sausage, sir! I'm a motherfucker!

I'm the John Crocker La Cunada, dude! Dude, thank God your balls switched back. Oh, dude, anyway, that was a hell of a weird run starting from fucking the guy who used to announce the fucking Universal Studios thing. Let's go back and watch this guy who was dogged about 800 that lost a lot of weight. That human cannonball. I thought, hey, there is no way this guy is going to live to play another day.

You're alive. You're well. What happened? Did you go to the hospital? Did you get x-rays? What happened? Did you go to the hospital? Did you get x-rays?

Did you go to the barber? Oh, I see you didn't. Dude, the guy's sunglasses are so big, you can get pulled over wearing them. It's a windshield. Well, dude, it's like this oh dude the most dudeical dude of all time he took off his windshields and said well dude it's like this oh oh oh this is my favorite guy dude the. The guys. Oh, for fuck sake. You know goddamn well that this guy is a Trumper. A hardcore Trumper at this point.

A hardcore, like still believes that Joe Biden will never be president. You could just, you know that that's his aura. I saw this guy coming. And I took the most excellent hit of my life the next thing i knew i was on the beach taking in some cosmic rays getting healed by mother nature taking a little brewski holding on a beautiful babe and i'm fine today so no hospital oh sadies why don't people act like that anymore i wish there were movies where guys acted today. So no hospital. Oh, it's the 80s. Why don't people act like that anymore? I wish there were movies where guys acted like that

still. Fuck, you know? There's just not. And that's it. And that sucks. I miss guys like Malibu. Doctors, just Mother Nature, huh? Oh, I'm a child of Mother Nature. What do you expect like Malibu. Doctors, just Mother Nature, huh? Oh, I'm a child of Mother Nature.

What do you expect? Malibu, you are truly amazing. He took a licking and he is still ticking. A chick. That guy's a chick. Sweet. That guy's a chick. He's a chick. Dude, if I had to have sex with one guy, it would be Malibu from American Gladiators.

Dude, it's like this, man. You know, I don't want to be having sex. I don't want to be having sex i don't want to be having sex with dudes but if i was gonna dude what do you expect in this case it's malibu he is whooping but maybe not for long malibu gets owned malibu sets himself brian hudson's third and final attempt Oh, so mad. He hit him. I mean, use the... Okay, enough.

Dude, he used the fucking... He has a huge fucking thing. And he's just like, yo, man. The guy fucking didn't use the block, kicked him in the fucking head, dude. How about that, man? You know, dude, mother nature, man. Wow, Malibu got rocked hey man

um so yeah we've been having fun on twitch follow us on twitch uh flex avenue god damn you know because we had to call it flex avenue because your boy's all lumped up dude not just in his pockets but he's all lumped the fuck up oops oops your boy's lumped up oops your boy's got a turtle back yeah i fucking worked out my lats earlier dude it's insane my shit shit i look like one of those fucking what are you i walked down the street somebody's like is that a fucking huge flying squirrel no it's just me dude i got lats it's crazy i'm like one of those guys who fucking dude the other day i went to go do a one of those you know those guys who fucking go through the who cares this is not even a good bit who even gives a shit it's not even a good bit it's fine

who even gives a shit it's not even a good bit it's fine it's just kind of here's what it is i've been trying to curb my fucking ocd it's tough man i don't want my my son to see it and then think that you got to do it you know it's a lot i met another guy with ocd and we were talking about it and he was like it really opened up to me and it was like crazy his you know his rituals to me were like wow that's that's bad and then i was sharing my rituals and it's like mine are fucking bad too just in a different way and it's just like it's so hard to fucking deal with because you know it's fake like and it's so too like something that helps me actually with my ocd is i think about how egotistical it is like let's go back to the lady with the toaster who thought she was so the shit that satan was at her house if i walk onto the plane wrong i think it's going to crash

you understand but how egotistical is that that i'm in control of everybody on this plane's life what about the way they entered the plane no it's all about me you know it's so egotistical that helps me in a way because i think like like, Oh, that's fucking, I'm just another person on this world. I got to relax. My ego is out of control that I, you know, my OCD, if I don't fucking throw this Snapple bottle away,

right. Then, you know, my mom's going to get cancer or some shit when there's no medical metaphysical proof like that. Of course it doesn't have that happen, but like, you know that that's not the truth

because i control people's lives fuck all that so that helps me a little bit if you have ocd that you should think about try to think about it that way between that and a little bit of medication i'm able to fucking because i i i was, my fucking, my ex-wife, my first wife. Um, and she was like, you, your OCD is getting out of control. You should, you should take medication. And I was like, I'm not in my head. I was like, I'm never taking medication until it starts affecting my work.

And then one time I decided one time I was at, I was going to go on stage at the improv and I was so stressed out with my OCD and I couldn't stop thinking about my rituals that I was like, you know what, dude, it was right before I went on stage and I went on stage all like buzzing and like fucked up in my own head because of OCD. And I was like, I'm just going to actually, I'm just going to actually start taking medication. And the next day I started taking medication, dude. The next day I had pills already that I didn't take and i started taking them and i never looked back dude and it does help the medication with the like you know i read about it and i also have done some behavioral therapy i one time i took a uh um i went to behavioral therapy uh and this guy was just like i went to see him a few times and he was like you

know what could work for you and And I was like, what? Just take the so what approach. So what if it happens? And I'm just like, huh? And he was like, I was like, you tell me if I throw the fucking Snapple bottle away? So what? My mom's going to die of cancer? And he was like, yeah.

And I was just like, gotta get a new doc. like, Garganudak. So anyway, man, it's been a long way, but that shit fucking flares up when you're 22, 23. So I was like, when did it flare up for you to my new buddy? And he was like, yeah, 22.

He was like, and I was like, there you go. But there were always signs, you know, like I said, like the sorry God shit or that I lined up my matchbox cars and my Uncle Vinny would come over and he would be like, hey, what's this one? And I'm like, no, you don't take them out. You don't take them out of

the fucking order. And my mom was like, ooh, he doesn't like when you move his cars. So, yeah. But that's it, dude. You guys are great. If you, when you, when you move his cars. So, yeah, but that's it, dude. You guys are great. Um, if you, you know, it really helps us out. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, uh, and fucking absolutely obliterate that like button into smithereens and, uh, take the fucking, uh, take the bell notification out for some,

for some daytime coffee, you know, and, uh, that's it. We hope you enjoy the Patreon content and we hope you enjoy the, uh, you hope you enjoy us playing on Twitch.

Um, and that's it. Sometimes I do Twitch solo, but whatever, dude, it's all good, but, uh, come along the board.

Oh, oh, and I also got to say, um, there, the merch out there, we have new merch, which is besides this to be more memorable. Uh, we've got, uh, come along the board. Oh, oh. And I also got to say, um, there, the merch out there, we have new merch, which is besides this to be more memorable. Uh, we've got, uh, the go out, uh, go medium and sometimes stay out because I, uh, which

is fucking awesome gym wear because these motherfuckers at the gym are all go hard and go home, go hard or go home. When it's like, nah, that's how you pull a fucking muscle. Go hard or go home is how you tear your fucking ACL. I saw a fact. And also it's out of control. This saying, I saw these fat, this fat guy at the coffee bean and tea leaf with a go hard or go home shirt on.

And it's like, bro, you're not going hard or going home. So go medium and sometimes stay out and you live the fuck longer with less pain. So rep that shit at the gym, dude. When my shit comes in, I'm going to the gym. I haven't been to the gym since the pandemic happened. I'm going back to the gym and preaching to these motherfuckers. Go medium and, and, and stay and sometimes stay out. And there's the merch right there on our fucking YouTube.

So you could see it. Um, you guys are great. I love my son. I love great. I love my son. I love my people. And I saw Logic say this thing the other day, and they were like, how come you don't do certain shit? And he was just like, I don't fuck with anyone, man, because I don't fuck with anyone.

I fuck with nobody. I got my family and my friends, and I don't fuck with anyone. And I was like, dude, I'm practically Logic, because that's how I'm going to be. Adoption of himself. Hey guys, that's the episode for YouTube today. If you'd like the extended uncut rest of the episode, head on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia.

We've got other segments. One of them is entitled Review Mode, where I review shit you need to know. And there's also other behind-the-scenes stuff. I post, you know, daily where I am and shit. I have fucking nice pictures of my ice Americano. You know what's up. But, dude, let's get involved.

Get involved with the life of me over at patreon.com slash christhelia. And if you don't, we still love you. We love your support, whether you're just viewing or you're fucking, you got no dents and you're hitting up that Patreon. Thanks a lot. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Motherfucking Bob, you scared Motherfucking Bob, you scared Motherfucking Bob, you scared Motherfucking Bob, you scared Motherfucking Bob, you scared Motherfucking Bob, you scared Motherfucking Bob, you scared Motherfucking Bob, you scared Okay, I'll do the thing now.