Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 205. Oops Capital

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this episode of Congratulations Chris meets Taxi Dave, and describes his extremely vivid dream starring Hugh Jackman. He also takes a deep dive into the Dave Matthews Band. 🎮 New Twitch Channel! twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey, guys. Welcome to the next episode of Collaborations. The dog's got the barks out of the ways, dude. And it's time to open up our laptop.

I used to think it was a lab top, but it's time to open up our laptop I used to think it was a lab top But it's laptop But I think a lot of people did that And I know a guy who still says lab top Even though he's 37 And that's very bad To be that fucking guy It's like the guy who says supposedly

I learned it when I was in my teens It's fucking supposedly My mom told me and I got pissed That she was right Dude here's the thing I don't like being wrong I don't like it I got honked at today Because I didn't think that

I didn't move fast enough In the traffic So far I didn't move fast enough in the traffic so far. And I didn't move fast enough in the traffic. And a guy honked at me because I was looking down at my phone. And Kristen says, babe. And I said, what? And she said, nothing.

And I said, what? And she said, you know what? And I said, because you think I needed to go? And she said, yeah. And I said, I didn't. I was doing it fine. And she said, then why did the guy honk? Pissed.

Okay? Pissed. Got super pissed because, yeah, okay, I guess you're right then. Great. So what are we doing here? So what, we're still going to the place or what? And we still went to the place. We had a great time, dude.

So you can be wrong and still have a great time. And that's what I wanted to make sure that you knew. That's what I wanted to do, dude. It's time for fucking congratulations, dude. And we're already fucking two minutes in. We're rip roaring. Dude, you see the shirt I got on? What does it mean? Who knows knows but here's the deal when a guy comes up to me on the street and says i have a

free shirt for you i wear it that night okay i wear it that night he came up to me i was in frigging lock and yada which is armenian guy central guy central And Armenian guy came up to me And he said hey bro As I was getting out of my car I said what's up He said oh bro I'm a big fan man I know you from the stuff you were saying about Armenians On your podcast bro

And I said oh like the Don't touch my face shit And he was like yeah bro I said that's how you found out about me and he said yeah bro that clip i guess it made the fucking rounds i guess it made the rounds with fucking people with black hair dude i guess it made rounds with the chain wearers with the mock turtle with the soft as shit mock turtleneck wearers dude armenians wear soft as shit mock turtleneck wearers Dude Armenians wear softest Shit mock turtlenecks dude You'd be like where the fuck did you get that

What's that made out of it and they'd be like Hey I don't talk about I don't ask you about your business right And I was like No way dude I was like that's awesome Bro I was like I know about Armenians Because I fucking I'm from here in Lakhiniyata and like There's so many Armenians

Like some of my fucking good friends are Armenians And he was like hell yeah bro And I was like cool And an Armenian can't just leave it there dude He goes like this Hey I have a company It's an Armenian Clothing brand

And I was like oh yeah And he was like yeah He's like Can I give you a shirt And I was like oh yeah And he was like yeah He's like um Can I give you a shirt And I was like fuck yeah dude And I expected some janky ass shit But he gave me this shit This shit's comfy as shit dude

High aspora Uh He told me what it meant and I forgot already It's a play on diaspora Which probably could get me cancelled if I'm wearing something like this but fucking love that dude man um so he gave it to me and it's soft as shit just shout out to my to my man i forget his name at this point but that's the company name of the shirt and i'm wearing it and oops it makes the fucking pecs look all nice and oops it makes the biceps fucking topple out over the inside of my elbows so oops

on that and my triceps are just hanging off like a cliff from arizona oops you know what i'm talking about dude so sorry about all that sorry my back's all nice oops sorry we got tarps covering rolling green zoops sorry about all that okay and uh but that's what it is that's what it is when you got a shirt that's but a soft right armenians make soft as shit mark turtlenecks mark mark turtlenecks mock turtlenecks strong with me uh is it mark turtlenecks no it's mock turtlenecks so anyway dude fucking killing it in a nice little of course you know he got it out of the trunk of his bmw s armenian and it was all good dude we make fun everybody on this podcast so don't come after me i love armenians dude i fucking love armenians straight up um so yeah man you know that's what happened. Um, and, uh, he was like, will you tag me?

And I was like, fucking sure. And I, I was like, dude, I'm just going to wear it, bro. You know? Um, I slept, you know what I did last night? Fell asleep. Nothing crazy about that. Obviously you fall asleep at night. Woke up six, uh, AM.m nausea city okay woke up 6 a.m

felt like there was a country at war in my in my intestines okay didn't understand it my stomach was turning around i was like let's see if we can get through this. Wasn't sure if I could. Waited around for about 30 minutes. So I couldn't get back to sleep because I was nauseous city. I was like, should I take Tums or should I take a trip to Zanny Island? Now, I took a trip to Zanny Island because I thought that would hit it. I thought that would hit my shit. And in 15 minutes, I'd be out like a fucking light.

Like a light. Like a light. Like a light. And so I took a trip down. I got in the canoe. And I used my back to scoop through down to Zanny Island. That's what I did, dude. I took a fucking... I got all aboard Zanacy Island.

That's what I did. Okay? I got a table for two at Zanzibar. That's what I did, dude. That's what I did. I took 0.25 milligrams. Snuffin'. People out here taking fucking two full Zanibars just to get through the day.

Took 0.25 to go to sleep it's nothing all right hit me hard didn't need to take the fucking tums pass the fuck out what happens if you listen to this podcast here's a quiz what happens to your boy after he wakes up for about an hour and then goes back to sleep in the morning what happens to your boy even without zany island what happens to your boy your Your boy has vicious dreams. Your boy has dreams so hard. It's like they plugged them into the matrix. And now this is his real life. These dreams. Now that means if you take a trip to Zanny Island while you're doing some vicious dreaming, all bets are off. I'm a fucking,

like I'm an Eagle with person legs at this point in my real, in my head. You know what I mean? Like I have wings and I'm not in the dream where I'm like, what's up with the fucking wings I have. I don't normally have wings. I'm so deep in this dream. I'm like, yeah, these are my wings. I'm not even thinking about them. I just have wings like their legs and a belt or something, you know, like that's how far down Zanny Island I am and how far down deep, deep into the matrix of dreaming I am. So it's 1015 and I don't know that until later after I wake up, but that's what time it is just to let you know when this next part happens.

All right? Now I'm deep in Zanny Island. I'm doing some vicious dreaming because it's the time I dream anyway, but also I'm all along Zanacy Island. Okay? Okay? I am having a dream. Now, let me tell the story from Kristen's perspective,

because that's the better way to tell the story. I could tell you about this dream, but when people tell you about their dreams, they're fucking boring as shit, right? When somebody walks up to you, and you know them a little bit or a lot, it doesn't matter, or even not at all, and they say, dude, I got to tell you about this dream.

What do you do? You go like this. Oh oh for fuck's sake here we go in your head but on the outside you say oh what happened and you're pissing yourself for not being honest so now you're pissed that you got to stand here and listen to this bullshit boring story slash dream this guy's saying and you're also pissed off because that guy made you be not honest. So this guy perpetrated two offenses in one question. Would you like to hear my dream? So I'm not going to tell you that because this is a podcast goes on to a lot of people and our listenership is exploding.

Okay. You know how it goes. We'll move it up right youtube views they're fine but the listenership we're moving up so i wake up so i wake up and i know I'm going to be, I'm going to be the man who fucking whatever, you know. And I will walk 500 miles. Oh, that song, dude. And I will walk 500 more.

Just say you'll walk a thousand miles, dude. Okay. Shorten up the song. I will walk 1000 miles. That's the end of the song I will walk 1,000 miles and that's the end of the song anyway dude was that by the pretenders?

proclaimers, same shit, doesn't matter we'll move it up so um so now i wake up and when i wake up i don't do that wake up that you wake up and you just kind of are like oh maybe i'll get up you know what i mean sometimes you wake up and you're like is it time to get up or i'm not gonna open my eyes yet i'm just gonna chill and kind of like ease into the wake up. It's like the calisthenics

or the fucking, no, the warmup of the wake up where you're just like, am I awake yet? Sometimes you do that and sometimes you do what I did. You wake up in the middle of a dream and it's not just waking up

in the middle of the dream. The dream is hectic and violent and way deep a few levels into the matrix. And you do this. Okay. That was the first sound I heard when I woke up and oops, it was coming from me. I go, whoa. Now Kristen, unbeknownst to me is already awake and she laughs and she says, oh my God, honey, are you okay? And I lie, start laughing because I know why I made that sound and you don't. And she didn't at this point.

So now I go from groggy and I'm still groggy, but all along the way, I also am excited to tell her why I woke up because it was quite possibly the funniest moment that has happened to me all year. Okay. This is why I woke up making that noise. I was in a dream, but I didn't know I was in a dream. I thought it was real life. And I was in the lobby of the waiting room, which doesn't exist for a movie that we were shooting. And a lobby where you're waiting to shoot doesn't exist when you're doing a movie you're just kind of waiting around you're either at craft service or in your trailer

but there was a lobby it had like an elevator in it and a receptionist and shit and we were all waiting to shoot a movie our parts there was already an actor in there shooting his part. And in the waiting room, there was me and Hugh Jackman. And Hugh Jackman was dressed like a knight, okay? He was in knight armor, knight's armor, but it was also like some samurai Japanese style kind of fucking shit. You know what I'm talking about? Like the last samurai, but like fucking,

but he was Hugh Jackman, not Tom Cruise. So there was a famous actor shooting me and then also Hugh Jackman. I don't remember who the famous actor was. As soon as I woke up, I forgot who it was, right? But I'm in the middle of this dream and I'm dreaming. Now this is about 35 seconds before I wake up going okay. So I say so I'm with Hugh Jackman and the first actor is done doing it, done doing the part.

Right? He comes in and then it's Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman says I guess it's my turn now. You know he's Australian and shit even though it doesn't seem like he would be. And I say cool. So he goes and he shoots his part. And then the dream kind of fast forwards and Hugh Jackman's done. And he comes back out and he says, ah, how's it going? And I said, Hey man, how was it? And he said, ah, good man. It went great. And I said, ah, fucking great, man. Come on, dude. Really? He said, yeah, it went really well. And I said,

great man come on dude really he said yeah it went really well and i said oh come on literally in the dream i said oh come on hugh jackman okay i say you're fucking like this huge action movie star and it sucks like i'm like this guy and now it's my turn and i gotta follow what you did it sucks and he says my it'll be all right and i was like no it's not gonna be all right i'm gonna look so bad and he goes like, don't worry about it. He starts walking into the other room and I'm following him. And I'm doing this thing where like, I'm pretending to be upset, more upset than I am. And he clocks it. He knows.

And he's going along with the bit. So now I'm in this dream and I got Hugh Jackman doing bits with me. And we both know about it. It's not like I can't read the room. I'm reading the room hugh jackman's in the room and he gets my bit and he's in fucking night slash japanese armor gear and i don't even know this is a dream so i'm like this rocks okay hugh jackman is like all right mate whatever playing the part of the fucking bit where is like, all right, mate, whatever.

Playing the part of the fucking bit where he's like, all right, mate, it's going to be fun. You're going to do all right. Walks into the other room and he walks through a doorway and in his night slash Japanese samurai outfit, he goes to punch a wall. Okay. Like as a joke, he's like, I might be fine. Right. It goes a bunch of wall And I'm sitting here like, nah,

man, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. And as he goes to punch the wall, I link my arm into his arm and I stop him from hitting the wall. And I say, I can do it.

Okay. Now Hugh Jackman still loaded in this bit right we're both still meeting eye to eye in this bit Hugh Jackman now is acting like he's pissed at me as the bit he's like hey Mike what are you doing I was trying to punch a wall and I was like oh yeah well fuck that you know like you can't do that and then he starts coming at me going going to tackle me, pushing me back against where the reception area is of this waiting room that never has ever existed on any movie set in the history of the world. Okay.

So as he's pushing me back, I'm like falling backwards and shit, but it's all like, we're hamming it up because we're in the bit dude. All right. And he's going to punch me. And I, as I'm falling back, reach back to grab an imaginary knife. Okay? In the dream. In the dream, the knife is imaginary.

I'm doing a bit in the dream of grabbing this imaginary knife. And I say out loud, as Hugh Jackman is tackling me, I go, ah, he grabs a knife and stabs it in the back. And I fucking go, I put it over Hugh Jackman's shoulder and I land it and I sink that fake bit knife right into the back of his shoulder blade. I say, oh, he grabs a knife and stabs it into Hugh Jackman's back.

And then Hugh Jackman goes, ah, and then he pushes back further. Right. And then I say, on the other hand, I say, oh, he grabs an iron and smashes it over Hugh Jackman's head. Oh, and I say this out loud and Hugh Jackman goes, ah, and then I say, he grabs an orange because that's the only thing that's left. And he squeezes over it, squeezing it over the back of his neck. And I go, and I go, and that's when I woke up. I woke up grunting because I was saying out loud in my dream, because I was saying out loud in my dream, grabs an orange because that's the only thing that's left and squeezes it over the back of his head. Fwah!

While Hugh Jackman was tackling me in knight slash samurai gear, and I wake up and I go, Fwah! samurai gear and i wake up and i go and kristin says oh my god honey are you okay like i don't know in what sense am i okay as dude i was dying and then she was like and then she was like okay well and i'm like dude so she and then i looked over and she was videotaping me talking about i had no idea so i posted it to instagram so you can go check it on my instagram or you can just fucking send somebody this podcast but it was the fucking most like dude it was so funny that like i don't even know why i was having this dream

because i was so fucking far down like on xanasi island and taking a trip to fucking uh you know what i mean and but it was so ridiculous and it was like this whole fucking past few years it was like i got cut out of this fucking movie fucking cut out of four movies it's like now that i'm in this situation where i'm in these movies where i'm on the fucking i'm in the lobby and i'm just creating this idea of oh how i can't be an action movie star and hugh jackman is an action movie star dude it's hilarious holy fucking shit man god i hate when my dogs fucking bark huh oh they were just barking through all that fucking story i don't think you heard it but

oh my god grabs an orange because it's the only thing that's left and squeezes it over the back of Hugh Jackman's head. That's how my day started. And I was exhausted all day. I don't know if it was mainly from taking fucking 0.25 of a Xanax or also maybe because I was like working so hard in the dream to try and best Hugh Jackman, not only physically, but with my bits. So Hugh Jackman, if you ever hear that, dude, let's do that. Let's do that bit. Absolutely insane. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws.

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See in-store for details. Hey, when the fuck is Kanye going to release Donda? And maybe he has by the time this podcast comes out. But where's Donda? Okay? I don't You know what was cool When Beyonce put out her fucking album

And nobody knew it was coming out And then it just came out And everyone's like did you hear And everyone's like what They were like Beyonce made a new album And you're like really And they're like yeah and it has a video And Jay Z cheated I guess

You're like oh my god so much has a video. And Jay-Z cheated, I guess. You're like, oh my God, so much news here, right? So many news is going on with fucking Kanye or with Jay-Z and Beyonce and shit like that. But I don't like how Kanye's like, we're going to have the fucking thing. We're going to have the album come out and it's going to come out in a week. And in a week, we're gonna have the album come out and it's gonna come out in a week and in a week we're like here we go and he's like psych two weeks two and we're like two weeks from now

and he's like maybe yup and we're like cool and then we get there and he's like you know what who knows but look what i'm wearing and i'm just like can you just all right now i gotta listen i don't the last kanye album which was the one where the fucking, which was all about the gospel shit. Was that the last one? Oh man, that shit was just like. One time my friend said he was a huge Dave Matthews fan. This was when I was in high school. He's a huge Dave Matthews fan.

Huge Dave Matthews fan. That fucking song came out. It was from the album that would go. Plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, balloon on plank, heaven on heaven, plan on plank. That song, you know,

he loved that song. He couldn't do it. He would roll up in his fucking Jeep Wrangler to my house, pick me up and go to Georgia's and just plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, plank, That big-ass jacked motherfucker on the violin, that big jacked dude in the Dave Matthews band with the violin, you know that wasn't even a violin. That was a full bass. He was just that big jacked dude in the Dave Matthews band with the violin that, you know, that wasn't

even a violin. That was a full bass. He was just that big, just putting it on his shoulder. Like it's a cellular phone plank, plank, plank, plank, but lean, lean. That guy died at like 42 because he was just too big and jacked. And, uh, the doctor came in and he was like, I'm sorry, but your husband passed away. And the wife was like why And he said dude jacked And over the Fucking doctors Over the waiting room music it was Plank plank plank plank

Plank And my buddy loved that song And uh Then the new Dave Matthews album came out And he didn't like it and i was like hey you like the dave matthews album that came out and he was like dude no but you know what i think and i was like here we go here we go because i didn't like any dave matthews and not that he's not talented. He is, dude. That's our satellite.

It's probably good. You know, if you wear sandals, you love that song. You know what I'm talking about? If you wear a button down short sleeve shirts and shorts and sandals, and that song comes on, you jizz. That's period. That's it. You jizz. So if that song comes on, if a guy's in literally Birkenstock, fuck, forget it, dude. If you even, the second you put on your Birkenstocks, the second that toe enters a Birkenstock, right?

One of your toes, just one. You might not even know where another one is but you find one and you go to pick it up and you hear plant plant plant plant the immediate like a little bit of jizz just you know what i mean it has to be you can hear if you're a white guy with like a side part and a button down with cargo shorts you can hear plank plank plank plank and not go jizz and you can also wear birkenstocks and not go jizz but the second you get your foot close to a birkenstock and you got all that apparel on and you hear plank then immediate side jizz right immediate hip jizz okay so my buddy was

saying to me um yeah you know what i think i said what he said i think he purposely made an album that was so bad to see if his fans would still like it and pretend that it was good and i just go like this oh but people don't do that we have a silly goose time and we have a good time right and that's what we do that's what we do i don't uh so when the fuck is kanye coming out with this album mostly i don't care but mostly i'm just like i want people on the internet to shut the fuck up about it because when people come when people first of all i'm i'm off the internet the only thing i have is instagram and tiktok and uh youtube so that's a But the thing is, you don't, I don't, I don't like cycle out, you know? Hey, news, cycle it out.

Kanye West comes on. Oh, when's his album dropping? Oh, who knows when it's up every, oh, but we don't know. And I follow a lot of sneaker pages. It's always a sneaker page. Donda's going to drop. What are you going to be wearing when Donda's drop? It's like, all right, dude, don't try And I follow a lot of sneaker pages It's always a sneaker page Don does gonna drop What are you gonna be wearing when Don does drop It's like alright dude don't try to be a part of it

You're just a sneaker page But like I wanted to cause that's what happens dude It's the lead up to the shit and maybe this is what Kanye knows But it's always the lead up to the shit that gets the shit And then when the shit happens five days later It's gone dude it's gone Like all these movies come out

like remember the fucking war after tomorrow or whatever the fuck that chris pratt movie is it was like you couldn't go you couldn't turn left on a street without seeing a billboard you'd put on your sunglasses and there'd be an ad in on the inside of your lenses and the second that movie came out everyone was just like okay we're done talking about this nobody's gonna fucking talk about this anymore you understand me it was all about the lead-up we don't give a fuck about it anymore so i can't wait for it to come out and for him to say some crazy ass shit when it comes out and then have it be over dude remember when he was just screaming about how he almost killed his kids or whatever the

fuck it was like jesus christ man hey go get help you know i mean i'm no doctor but go get help but i'm no doctor but go get help you know go get help if you're screaming about that mostly go get help if you're screaming about anything too much if you're screaming a lot if you scream more than once a day go get help i saw the dude I was at the fucking coffee bean Coffee bean and tea leaf today I was on Twitch I was Twitching Which is how I call it dude

And I know people are like You sold That's not what they call it Dude I'm old How about this I'm old So I know Okay

How about that How about It's Twitching now How about that How about that No it's not because why because why because fucking what's his name jim murk is out there fucking with his goddamn uh camera only showing one eye just like this jimmy murks just like this playing fucking war zone go go back back back go where are you found it

go you have it go go i got it fuck back back back up back up fuck fuck okay okay god damn it go this is everybody on twitch go go go you, go, you got it, go, you got it, go, go, you got it, you got it, good, you got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, go, go, go, go, go, I got it, I got it, I got it, go, go, I got it, okay, you have it, ah, fuck, we got it, here we go, see, I think it's the, it's the weapon that, go, go, go, go, and always falling into the, from the air, you know what I mean, the hands are out, like this, what's the, is that the game, Warzone, where you're falling into the fucking, and just the hands are out, and then, and then some guy, Jimmy Merckx, go, go, I got the cord got it go go go because he always fucking he

responds in the same area see that's the thing he responds in the same area and and and nine million people are watching it choo-doon so I was on twitch twitching I was twitching in my car like a fucking heron addict like a meth subscriber and um i was talking and shit because your boy's on twitch now come on down to flex avenue and drive with us if you're on my twitch you live on flex avenue that's it that's that's what it is dude you're not the subscriber whatever the fuck if you do thank what it is Dude You don't have to subscribe Or whatever the fuck If you do thank you

But fine if you don't If you're watching This is Flex Avenue Where are we going Let's see Let's leave it open Let's leave it open ended Right

There's no destination Because why Because it's about the journey When you're on my Twitch And so I am on Doing this And as I'm doing this i see um this guy who i put on tiktok that was outside the tower records doing the karaoke of wangsta right and i put it on tiktok you see this guy doing karaoke of wangsta First of all, the worst music to do karaoke on is rap music.

You know? You might as well do a fucking song from Diplo. Just like up there with a fucking microphone. Just unce, unce, unce, unce, unce. Like hip-hop is just... People always think they're going to be the funny guy. The least funny guy does the hip-hop song in like a karaoke bar. The guy the guy's like i'll do you want me to do it all right cool all right fuck it i'll do it i'll do it i'll do a song uh you have um uh miami from will smith and he's up

there and he's just like bienvenido a miami and you're just like dude dude, it's not funny, bro. Do heart. Do heart. Sing heart. Sing a heart song. How do I get you alone? And that's just without me fucking warming up, dude. How do I get you alone? That's me a little warmer. So you could imagine if I do some may, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may.

And woo, right? If I do some of those vocal exercises first, and then I'm just like, how do I get you alone? It's already exponentially better. All right. Sing heart, dude. You really want to come to play Sing heart Don't be all that fucking jiggy with it shit

Or Jump by Chris Cross That song was hot Like one March of 1989 Chris Cross The guy who thinks he's going to be funny Doing rap or hip hop And karaoke Is always so out of breath and birthing nodes

like the first verse and then they're just like they sound like a car dying not trying to compare it To another The daddy MAC Yeah you know me Moving all around Just some guy with a fucking huge pit stains And a button down blue shirt With fucking

Birkenstocks on They didn't have any Dave Matthews Plus I don't know I don't know The ball doesn't bounce over the plank plank plank plank so I never knew when they come those aren't words you don't have to whatever dude so um so yeah so I don't even know what I was devolving and talking about with the fucking crisscross and the and the Donda I think I was talking about Donda.

But I don't remember where I went to. But sometimes this is what happens in this podcast, man. We just fly by the seat of our pants. We get off. Oh, Twitch. That's what it is. Twitch. And he's back, dude. And he's fucking back like that, dude. He's freaking back, man.

he's freaking back man um yeah so i still this guy uh who was karaokeing wangsta over in the tower records parking lot with with which by the way there's still a tower records on sunset boulevard sunset boulevard hey get rid of it hey make a hotel hey have a k have a Kinko's there Hey, whatever it is It's not historical, I don't care It's an empty building with the fucking With some letters painted on it It's just, I posted it on people like Where's there still a Tower Records?

Oh my god, when was this video taken? It's just, get rid of it Alright? Okay, fine, who played? The Smiths there Played once outside the parking lot And so now you can't fucking build on anything it's a historic landmark no it's not it's just a tower records and uh so anyway he was at this fucking coffee bean and he was like you know he and i roll in and there this dude is with a fucking amp on the back of his i don't know how he has it but a porsche cayenne and this amp this is a jbl speakers with a fucking microphone attached to it and he's fucking rapping for sunset boulevard can't remember what song he was doing but he was

killing it and i drove by and i rolled down the window and i said hey man what's up and he was like oh you like it? And I was like, hell yeah, bro. And I got him on my Twitch a little bit. I didn't show him because I didn't ask him because also it seemed like he had like fucking, you know what I mean, darkness in his soul, but I didn't want him to fucking stab me. And we were just,

and so we talked a little bit on my Twitch and then I got the coffee and I got the fuck out of there before people showed up because I don't want to get fucking sniped on twitch you know because i dox myself no matter where i am on twitch fuck it what am i going to do what what what am i going to do keep it here who am i jimmy merckx just keeping it right here go go back up back up shit fa all right where is it you got it i got it um so yeah we got that merch out now uh we restocked the be more memorable shit and the shit bangs you saw the last episode on

my podcast i wore it with the dmx chain to show you guys a little bit of high fashion but you can go to crystalia.com cop that shit or you can cop the go medium and sometimes stay out shit and hit the gym because fuck going hard or going home go medium and sometimes stay out and that's it and it brings a real 80s vibe out you know what that's what i'm about i'm about a real 80s vibe but anyway what i was talking about donda before i got sidetracked and all the other shit i was talking about is this kanye fan i read is going on a hunger strike until donda is out hey gun die let's listen to this i haven't even listened to it yet honestly this message goes out to kanye west himself wow so filling

himself that he said himself afterwards you never need to say himself just say kanye west also he won't hear it this message goes out to kanye west himself plain edge football he has a plain edge football shirt on And it's backwards He didn't even do the thing where he fucking made it go right side This message goes out To Kanye West himself Eh sir

The guy who sits on the end of the bar in cheers What's that guy's name No Wayne Knight Wayne Knight right Wayne Knight isn't that his name George Wendt Oh yeah who's Wayne Knight no way night way night right way night isn't that his name george went george went oh yeah who's way night did i make up a guy oh that's the other guy that looks just like him in seinfeld all right cool george went yeah george went where the fuck did george went go george went that's

where he went got it what a fucking stupid, but it made it up in real time. So anyway. Patrick Witten will go on a hunger strike till. Oh, here we go. Going to start it over. This message goes out to Kanye West himself. I, Patrick Witten, will go on a hunger strike till Donda is released on all platforms. I'm sick of waiting.

I will not eat another bite of food till i see dondo on all platforms i got like i got like a week before i die drop don to now kanye please cute i actually thought he was cute please when he said please thought he was fucking 38 till he said please like that then i realized that he was 12 um i john o'connor he's got fucking doritos and cheetos george went um this guy's gonna die because kanye's not gonna anyway uh this is crazy this guy, I see this other thing. Tory Lane, Tory Lane's NFT album sold a million in less than a minute, bro. Didn't he shoot somebody's fucking foot off? I don't know. I don't even know.

You know, Megan, the stallion, he shot her foot off and then he's, and then he's just like, fuck it. I'll rap. I'll still rap. And people are like, you know? You know what I mean? The world's so backwards. the world saw backwards.

Um, speaking of which this guy fucking on, I, I, I found this guy who, uh, he kind of went viral, but he was like putting up, uh,

he went to go sell his shoe. Did this, this lady has been having miscarriages with, uh, um, in this, uh, in a relationship.

She had like seven or eight. It was really sad. And this guy sold his shoe, half of his shoe collection to pay for the IVF. IVF is really expensive. It's like 20 grand with the medication and everything like that. And, uh, it didn't take.

And so he went to go sell the rest of his shoes and his wife just thought it was to flip him because it was a good time to sell him and he said no i did this for the ivf again and it's not even a chance there's not even like there's a chance it could not work i mean she's it hadn't it hasn't worked before for this guy so this guy fucking um yeah, yeah, he, he, uh, he actually, um, sold his, like the rest of his shoe collection, which is like, you know, it's hard to part with, but worth it if it works. And even if it doesn't, it's, you know, it's

like, you're still doing the right thing, but it went viral. And, uh, I, uh, I sent him money to buy shoes because that shit touched my heart. Um, who is this guy? Actually, let me find this guy. Actually,

I have it in my phone. I think, um, like, uh, let me see if I can find this guy. Whoa. Rim.

Total. Lou. Whoa. Here it is. EJ win. EJ win. EJ Wynn. EJ Wynn. EJW underscore 03.

I was touched by his story, man. There's good shit out there. Sometimes it feels like the world's just fucking crumbling, you know? But then you see something like that and it just fucking feels good. And it touches your heart. It touches your heartstrings. You know? It touches your fucking heartstrings.

Always good in the middle of my podcast when I look at my phone and I see it has 900 text messages and then I have a fucking huge anxiety spike. Oh, is anybody dead? Oh, no. People are just bullshitting on a group text. Okay, cool. Oh, shit. Somebody must be on fire. Oh, no? Oh, it's just the fucking comedians in the group chain that texted 155

times. Okay, great. Imagine that's how you died. The fucking, you didn't eat because Kanye didn't put out, because some guy didn't put out an album. When a boy, all boys down to a Kanye is just some guy, you know? Yeah. You get up to heaven. What the fuck happened? Yeah, I didn't eat.

Why? Again, there's so many people in the world, I can't keep track. I didn't eat because some Kanye West put out an album. Who's Kanye West? Oh, he's a guy that is a really famous artist. He's just some guy? Well, I guess to you, yeah, if you're Jesus Christ. So you didn't eat because some guy didn't put out music?

Yeah. Oh, you're going to hell. You wasted your life, you're going to hell. Oh, we had to cut because we made a fucking mistake. Dude, the guy who died in the Dave Matthews band was not the big violinist. It was the fucking other dude who does the saxophone, Leroy Moore. And he is also black and I'm racist. Amazing dude. I just mixed up two black dudes that were in the same group. I'm racist. Woo. Fuck me, dude. Don't like that.

I made that mistake. They're all so talented, though, dude. The one dude's like plank, plank. Wait a minute. Was this the guy that did the plank? Was Leroy Moore the guy who goes plank he was the guy because he does that's a sax maybe that's is that a sax plank let's just pretend it is so we can oh man that's the guy who invented the plank is gone dude that's sad dude

you know wow how. How about, this is another thing we found out while we cut. Cause one fire was like, dude, the other guy died. And I was like, Oh my God, one higher,

I guess, but one fire. Cause you interrupted the show, uh, about this fucking, this was unreal, dude. They sent me this Dave Matthews Band, Chicago River incident. On August 8th, 2004, over the Kinsey Street Bridge in Chicago, Illinois, a tour bus belonging to the Dave Matthews Band dumped an estimated 800 pounds of human waste from the bus's septic tank onto a passenger sightseeing boat

on the chicago river below imagine just that was just imagine that was what the boat was playing and they were just like oh i loved guys with birkenstocks just oh i love white dudes with fucking side parts and buttoned down short sleeve shirts with cargo shorts just drinking fucking just beers you know what i mean just fucking a whitey shit beer just plank plank, plank, plank, plank. Just do like, oh, just looking up, getting in some, catching some rays.

And 800 pounds of violinist shit just drops into your mouth, dude. And in your eyes. How do you have a, hey, how do you have a, hey, how do you have a hundred pounds of shit? How many pounds is a one shit? Three? Say you eat a big meal, a big meal.

How many pounds of shit is that? Two and a half. They stored it up where where the fuck they just stored it under the bus 800 pounds of shit you know it was the big-ass motherfucking jack violinist that was half of his three shits he would come out just like hey man i really destroyed that i really destroyed the back of the bus man we better empty this out and dave matthews was just like yeah we'll do in a second man just puffing weed we'll do in a second don't even worry about it there's a bridge coming up in chicago are you sure man i let out three shits and i swear they were all together 500 pounds just in his big ass purple you know what i mean just with a big bait.

You couldn't tell a big base on his fucking shoulder, like a violin. All right, man, if that's what you say. And Dave Matthews is just like, yeah, man,

I got it all covered. I talked to the bus driver, you know, satellite. Satellite. Satellite, oh, satellite, satellite, satellite, satellite. Singing his own song. Just that big ass violinist just caved over on one of the fucking, on the inside of the bus.

You look on the outside of the bus, the bus is just like this, driving along the way. And when he shits, it evens it out for a little bit. And then he caves again and sits down. Hey, man. And Dave Matthews doesn't even give a shit that the bus is on just two, like one side of wheels. Dave Matthews is just high off weed. He's not even eating brownies. He's just like eating weed out of the bag. Hey, man, you want to sit on the other side or whatever?

I don't care, man. Satellite holy on rise Frozen to rise Frozen to rise The fucking Saxophone player is having a heart attack no one even knows And then fucking Hey man we're coming up on that bridge

You wanna He makes fucking Leroy drive. Hey, Leroy, you want to fucking, you want to hit the hatch, man? Let all the shit out? Fucking what's his name? That big guy who plays the bass violin. I forget his name, man. But he wears fucking like Lucky Charms hats.

That guy over there. That guy said he shit 500 pounds. I doubt it, man. Satellite rolling on dubs and saving those. Yeah, dude. Let that shit out, man. Satellite rolling on dubs and rolling on dubs doing the

rock away. And, uh... Just everyone's losing their mind and then fucking hey you want to make another song with the fucking plank sound and um they let it go let's fuck them up man go ahead and then boom and then and you hear like fucking people like they got hit with napalm just oh my god is this violinist shit and they look and they just don't give a fuck and then they got the resulting controversy i love controversy that involves shit dude you know is it a controversy led to more than 300,000 in settlements, donations, and fines. The band's bus driver, Steve, Steve, Stefan or Stephen Wall pleaded guilty to dumping the waste in March, 2005.

Wow, dude. Dave Matthews, you say? It's not my fault, man. You're the one who fucking dumped the waste on all those white people. This is crazy the band booked five buses for its show accused bus driver steven wool drove the bus of dave matthews band violinist the it was him dude it was the violinist dude i bullshit you not it was him, dude. It was the violinist, dude. I bullshit you not. It was the violinist Boyd Tinsley, dude.

Magical name. Magical name. Seven foot six Boyd Tinsley, never wearing a shirt, always wearing a Lucky Charms hat. Shits 90 pounds each time. No matter what he eats, even if he doesn't eat anything. Wow, dude, it was his bus. Oh, my God. Imagine that's your bus. Hey, sir, why do you have, hi, this is the fucking Chicago Tribune News.

Why the fuck did you, why do you have 800 pounds of shit? Chicago Tribune News. Why the fuck did you, why do you have 800 pounds of shit? Plank. Plank, plank, plank. Fucking hit it, Leroy. Plank.

They just walk because the bus is now fucking a crime scene. Just hit it. Walk to the venue. Plank. Plank. Dude, wow. Fuck that fucking song. You know what I mean?

Just in the grass, feeling the earth with fucking puka shells on. Just took a piss break. Got to sometimes take pee-pee breaks. Who am I, Calvin, just pissing in the diaper? No way, dude. He's so cute, dude. He starts telling, he told us when he goes poopoo, he goes in the corner and he, and he

goes poopoo and his eyes water and he goes in the corner and does poopoo by himself. Like it's a toilet. And then he comes to us, walks back out and says, it's cute. So cute. Um, so yeah, so that's, what's up. Um, I found this thing actually and i want to know

uh what the whole deal is with this because this is amazing and i've never heard it before fuck uber let me start out by just being it like this fuck uber fuck lift this is where it's at, dude. Taxi Dave. I don't care how much it is or where I am calling him for a ride. I don't know where he is, but he's taking me if I ever need to. I drive, dude. I'm the guy that drives, you understand? I don't drink.

And also, I never know when I need to hightail it out of a place. When people take Ubers, I'm like, you're crazy. What if some shit goes down? What are you going to do? Run into an alley? Fuck that, dude.

I'm in my car zipping away. I got a buddy who only takes Ubers and it's just like, dude, you're just going to sit in the back of someone's Altima? No. By the way, I saw a guy today who was driving a car. I put it on my Instagram stories and he bungee the car the door his driver's door wouldn't shut and he bungee corded it together and as he was driving the door was like swinging open it like was flapping a wing and I was like ah so dangerous um so this is it taxi Dave dude

Sacramento I guess is where it is hi I'm Dave, a self-employed yellow cab driver in downtown Sacramento, California. So far, going fine. A little bit weird that he's completely mic'd up in one of the fucking Bill Bellamy booty call mics when he made the booty call joke when he created that term. Or a fucking Britney Spears with a snake on her shoulder. He's got one of those mics that come around front

from his ear. I want to invite you to come visit Sacramento, uh, California. Oh, didn't know where he was. So insecure. Had to download the rest of the location. Sacramento, uh, bing, bing, bing. You've got mail.

He's got dialogue. Sacramento. So insecure how he said it dude sacramento california because uh we've been added new bars nightclubs hotels restaurants and there's a lot of tourism with the state capitol uh museum let me just say god bless this guy you know what i'm talking about he's going the extra mile this is what i don't understand with motherfuckers who won't do the work bro you know how much i think about comedy and think about jokes and do fucking and want to do funny shit and like try to make people laugh it's always it's all the time okay yeah i took a year off but always and it's just like this guy is a taxi driver and he's like well then let's get business and he's not thinking

small like let's try to drive the people around to sacramento he's thinking like like coca-cola this motherfucker's like let's get more people in this place so we can drive those around. Let's have a surplus of people. So he makes a YouTube video, gets a Britney mic, and fucking goes out and makes a YouTube commercial about his thing saying, hey, we've got a lot more bars in Sacramento. Come on down, Internet. Like art, history, and transportation.

I mean, he's lying at this point. Art and history in Sacramento? Like it's the Sistine Chapel? It's Sacramento. It's the oops capital. It's one of those oops capitals. You know what I'm talking about?

It should be L.A. The capital of California, it should be LA, all right? Oh, all right. Oh, the capital of New York is, oh, it's Albany, isn't it? Oops. You ever been to Albany? The answer is probably no but i have because your boy makes the usa map look like a bunch of zits you understand i take those thumb pad those those red thumbtacks i'm sticking them everywhere your boy makes the usa your boy does so much

traveling that he makes the usa look like crater face teen all right i look like the map of where the feds are trying to find the serial killer now that's just how i make the map look with my travel log all right it's one of those oops capitals fucking albany my ass it's new york manhattan's the capital of fucking new york yeah but actually because way back when it's funny because you say that because way back when the settlers it always has to do with settlers shut the fuck up, you know? You tell me any state, I'll tell you the capital. It doesn't matter if it's the capital or not.

Fucking Pennsylvania. Philadelphia. I don't know if it's it or not, but it is. It is. What is it? Pittsburgh? Fuck. Harrisburg? Fuck out of here, dude. Harrisburg? Even I haven't been to. Harrisburg? Fuck out of here, dude.

Harrisburg? Even I haven't been to fucking Harrisburg. Florida? It's Miami. I don't give a fuck what you say. That's what it is. That's where everybody goes to unce it up. That's the capital.

All right. Oregon, Portland. Montana. Who knows? The whole thing's a capital. I don't even know a fucking place there. Montana, for fuck's sake. This guy's killing it, dude.

Now, Sacramento's definitely the place to be For tourism Fine dining And just plain partying Now when you come down to Sacramento Call me, Taxi Dave And my party cab And you can find all the Oh they cut in the middle of a sentence dude When you cut in the middle of a sentence

And you're obviously using a VHS camcorder You rip You're the best About me on my website At SACtaxidave.com and you're obviously using a VHS camcorder, you rip. You're the best. ...about me on my website at sacktaxidave.com. Check it out. Oh, paused for too long. Wasn't it cut? Yeah.

Uh-huh. You know who I am. I'm Taxi Dave, Taxi Dave, in my black and yellow, black and yellow cab. Yeah. Uh-huh. You know who I am. I'm Taxi Dave, Taxi Dave, in my black it, tried to touch the cab, missed it. Oh, dude. You know?

This is amazing, dude. Sack Taxi Dave. So, wait. Sack Taxi Dave. Yeah. Uh-huh. So what? You know who I am. And everything I do, I do is big. Everything I do, I do is big.

Dude, whenever he goes, yeah, he goes like this. Yeah. And bends down. That's right. Now my cab looks unapproachable. It's safe. They cut. It's mean. And it's super clean.

And you want to ride with me because I'm the big cat. I'll be behind the wheel of my yellow cab singing it and snapping it. And that's that. Oh, I'll be behind the wheel of my yellow cab singing it and snapping it. And that's that snapping it, dude. I'll be snapping it. Wait, who's the driver? Who's the taxi driver? He's the driver who's taxi dude he's the guy

who sits behind the wheel and snaps it what dude this guy's unreal wow dude he only wraps one bar and then cuts and thinks of another bar and then does that bar and then cuts after every bar yeah cut again uh-huh you know who i am yeah what we do by now. I'm Taxi Dave, Taxi Dave in my yellow cab, yellow cab. Cincy. Yeah, yeah. Out of breath, out of breath. You know who I am. I'm Taxi Dave, Taxi Dave in my black and yellow, black and yellow cab.

Yeah. Cut again. Got a call from a customer. This just in. They need a pickup at the Holiday Inn. Got to go now, but when you're in Sactown, give me a call. Because I'll be your best ride ever in downtown Sacramento. Doesn't rhyme.

Rhymed call with Sacramento like he's Eminem. Orange and orange. Sacramento call. Even Eminem couldn't do that. What if he drove away and crashed? Uh-huh. You know who I am. Wow, dude.

Then they played fucking Wiz Khalifa. Thanks for listening to Congratulations. And you know what? You got to go out. And I didn't say it. I saved it for the end, dude. But fucking cough on that subscribe button, dude. Vomit on that like button.

And just fucking shit blood all over that bell notification. Seriously, man. But really do it. Hey guys, that's the episode. To catch the rest of the episode, you can go over to my Patreon, which is patreon.com slash chrisdalia. You got the rest of this episode,

and you get all of the full episodes of congratulations, which you haven't heard yet if you're not on Patreon. And there are also, there's one extra episode a month. And you can watch all of the past extra episodes a month if you sign up for Patreon right now. And there's also a new segment that I do that's too deep called Review Mode. So we got Patreon exclusives. We got behind the scenes. We got everything.

So patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Go sign up. Thanks got behind the scenes. We got everything. So patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Go sign up. Thanks a lot, guys. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Welcome to the next episode of Collagivation. Nope, nope, nope. That wasn't a good one.