Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 206. Drizzle Those Keys In My Butt

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris hosts a new game show about Paula Deen, talks Lego (no s), wakes up with his eyes closed, and does a bunch of Renner stings (maybe the most ever).. 🎮 New Twitch Channel! twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Oh, dude. Somebody asked me. Somebody asked me in the comments. They were fucking, they said, why do you always keep your mouth open when you're doing the intro shit? Why do you keep the mouth open when the fucking congratulations theme song plays because i fucking wanted a dude because i wanted a dude because that's the way it has to be that's my fucking destiny dude yes and you don't

go hard or go home you go medium and sometimes stay. I got that fucking merch on and I'm a coach, baby. Dude, I'm a coach. Hell yeah, I'm from Kentucky. I'm a coach from Kentucky and I'll tell you what, dude. Look at that, man. That college blue and yellow or something. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I feel good.

I put this hat on today and Calvin had a hat and he had to use his hat and it was so cute. We love it, man. We love, we love it. He got a hat, dude. He has a hat and he loves garbage, garbage trucks and he loves them so much. And he calls, he says Hatton, Hatton, Hatton

about everything that he doesn't know what it is, but garbage truck is the number one thing that he says Hatton, Hatton, Hatton, about everything that he doesn't know what it is. But garbage truck is the number one thing that he says Hatton about. And when he hears the garbage truck, he goes, and he goes, Hatton. And we go, yeah, let's go. He says, Hatton, Hatton. So I got him a fucking hat. Oh, I got a picture of it.

I'll just put it up right here. But I got him a hat that says garbage day, best day. And it's got a Hatton in the middle. So dude, who's a good dad fucking me i'm a good dad so we keep it 80s we keep it real 80s i've got the fucking go medium or and sometimes stay out merch on you can get on my website chrislea.com and we keep it real 80s dude i'm sorry i'm sorry 70s guys but we keep it real 80s i'm sorry oh and dude people were like what are you gonna work i was on twitch earlier come on down to flex avenue we all live there we all live there when you're on my twitch flex avenue

and i was just chatting you know i was doing some irl streaming and it's fine but that's what i do i'm a twitcher now okay and i was on there and i was talking and someone was commenting, what are you going to work out today? Dude, and I took the day off. Strong guys all over the country like this. Sheesh! I didn't work out the hips. I didn't work out the knees. I didn't work out the fucking, I didn't work out the biceps or the fucking back.

It's still nice. Didn't work it out today. Strong guys all over the nation, like yeesh. Whew. But get a load of this, strong guys. I'm working out tomorrow. Sorry, strong guys. Anyway, let me take it down a notch, dude,

because sometimes we fire on all syllables, but I just want to get like real with you guys, man. For no reason, I got sad today. No reason. No reason at all. And I know that sounds funny after all the shit i was saying about sorry strong guys and how i fucking i'm a coach but yeah i was sad man i woke up fine and it was all good everything was fine returned the rental car because i finally got my freaking car back dude i'm mormon i'm trying to fucking be better at that um get my freaking car back and dude uh we'm Mormon. I'm trying to fucking be better at that. Um, get my freaking car back. And dude, uh, we returned it and then I came back home and then just started getting sad,

man, for no fucking reason. You ever get sad for no apparent reason, dude, it sucks so much. But it really does though. I did the Jeremy Renner sting, but it really does. Dude, it sucks, man. And I couldn't shake it. I went out to get some coffee and I fucking, you know, that's what I do, man. I drank another, uh, four shots over ice and Dude, it sucks, man. And I couldn't shake it. I went out to get some coffee and I fucking, you know, that's what I do, man. I drank another, uh, four shots over ice and I, you know, it was, it was, uh, and then I kind of shook out the nerves. I came home and, and Christopher was like, are you still sad? And I was like, eh, I don't know. I'm okay.

And I was like, I don't know how I'm going to get in fucking podcast mode. Cause you know, your boy's got to get in fucking podcast mode if you're going to do a podcast. But then I was like, maybe I don't have to get in podcast mode to do a podcast. Right. Maybe I can just chill. Maybe I don't have to be fucking on all the time. I don't. And in fact, I don't want to be on all the time.

I want to be me. I went back to the thing I was learning in therapy when I was, when I was going to, uh, I told my therapist and there's a clip of it on, there's a clip of it on the more crystal Leah, uh, YouTube channels, a new, new channel. I have more crystalia. You can go, go click on it and subscribe, all that shit. But I was talking about, uh, it's called crystalia cries of therapy. That's what it was.

It was from a previous podcast. And I, I was talking about how, dude, I used to walk into a room and how people fucking, I just assumed people hated me. And so I would try to win them over by being funny. I would assume that they didn't like me. And I would be like, here we go. Let's just make fun of them, make fun of myself, a little self-deprecating humor, and like, just kill them with kindness and have a good time. And pretty soon they'll end up liking me. And I can do that because I've done that with rooms all over the country, dude. And that's just so much work, man. Maybe they just fucking like somebody. Do you know what I'm saying? Maybe they just hope for the best in somebody.

But I had always had a thought like, oh yeah, maybe they saw me in this one show or one movie or my standup and they fucking hate me. And even before that, I was like, oh, maybe they just don't like me at all. You know, or maybe they just don't like a guy that looks like me or they just don't like people to defenses up. So I got to work, but I don't, you don't have to dude. And I'm 41 now and I should have learned that earlier and I don't want Calvin to feel that

way, you know, my son. Um, but, uh, so maybe that's it, man. Like you guys rock with me, man. You guys have been here. And if you're listening, you've been listening. You know what I'm talking about? And if you've been listening, then you rock with me and, and I rock with you, dude.

And, uh, if you rock with me, and i rock with you dude and uh if you rock with me then i feel like that's the key word is me you know i don't always have to be on so uh i was like i'm gonna do the podcast anyway and i'm doing the podcast anyway and yes still i'm doing the podcast anyway and maybe i'm not in podcast mode maybe i'll get to podcast mode maybe i won't maybe this podcast will be a breath of fresh air maybe it'll be a fucking dramatization maybe it won't maybe it'll be fucking regular shit like a documentary and then maybe it'll fucking move on over to some sorry strong guys feeling you know some sorry strong guys attitude but i'm not gonna fake it dude i'm not gonna fake it i'm not gonna fake it because you guys know me man

you guys don't know me but you got you know when i when i talk you can kind of feel me you know especially if you've heard like i don't know eight or nine episodes so i just want to fucking chill man and i want to talk about the the things dude i i've been really actually connecting with um i'm really actually connecting with uh calvin a lot lately and i don't know what it is he's tall dude he's uh he's tall he's like uh 75th percentile of tallness and um and that's cool that he's tall and uh i love him and he was he does this thing now where he goes like, he says, where I say, who's, who's dada? And I thought like, that was going to be like, he was going to like point to me or whatever. And he just goes, I'm dada.

And I'm just like this motherfucker. I say, who's dada? He says, I'm dada. And I say, I'm dada. And he says, I'm dada. So it's very cute. And that fucking makes my heart blow up. It's just great, man.

I posted a picture of him the other day. And, you know, people are really cool about, like, you know, when I post pictures of me and my kid and shit. And I don't know, man. I used to think about, like, I wanted to keep that side of my life private. I don't know, man. I used to think about like, I wanted to keep that side of my life private. You know, when I first started this podcast, I started with, I don't know why I'm doing this podcast because I don't want you to know more about me. I to you guys, it's been kind of cathartic and it's been good and it's been freeing. And, you know, I, I don't really have the hesitation that I had before, um, posting Calvin or parts of my real life, you know, like Kristen and shit. Um, and I posted a pic the other day and somebody, uh, somebody, you know, everybody was so nice.

And one guy was said something like,, oh, man, enough of this. It's become a dad page. And he's like, I'm out of here. And he unfollowed me on Instagram. He said, I'm out and unfollowed me or whatever. And I didn't feel any sort of like way about it. And I was like, man, this is good. Like this would have pissed me off like a year ago or something or two years ago.

And I feel like it's like, whatever, dude, I don't give a fuck about that. And then I look under my car, under that comment. And it's, and there's a comment from my mom, Ellie D'Elia in all caps. Bye. I'm like, ma trying to be a better person working on myself so i can become a whole person and here's my fucking mom just laying down the law in all caps bye at least you know where i got it um jokes but yeah no i don't know man i fucking i'm feeling i'm feeling okay i was uh i was uh i was uh i was upset earlier and i'm feeling good now of course i got postmates and here's

the other thing dude i got the post i got postmates again i usually try to get fucking uber eats because postmates is all like post Postmates are just like, what do you want? Burger? Okay, cool. Bringing you spaghetti. What do you want? Tacos? Sounds good. Bringing you pork loin. That's Postmates.

What you got? What you got in the kitchen? Blindfold me. I'll throw something in the bag. That's Postmates. So I got Postmates and sure enough, I ordered a salmon with a side of veggies because your boy tries to be fucking lean as shit. You know, I'm 41. I'm not getting And sure enough I ordered a salmon with a side of veggies Because your boy tries to be fucking lean as shit You know I'm 41

I'm not getting any thinner unless I try You see guys they get bloated as shit When they get older It's not even their fault they're just chilling you know I don't drink alcohol You see guys have one drink a week and all of a sudden they puff out Like a goddamn Michelin man So I'm like trying to watch my weight and guess what they brought me

Fucking Salmon and mashed potatoes, dude. You know how hard, first of all, I don't like mashed potatoes, but our friend was here and she was like, dude, these mashed potatoes are great. Cause she got the mashed potatoes on purpose. And I was like, yeah. And I tasted them. They were so good, dude. And I don't even really prefer mashed potatoes. You know how hard it is to not eat the good mashed potatoes when they're on a plate. I ate some of them, but not many. And then I remembered that I had a fucking, uh, a chicken bowl in the fridge from earlier. Cause I was trying to eat lean earlier in the day. So I just reheated some of the chicken bowl and ate the salmon and also didn't eat much

of the mashed potatoes because of the chicken bowl and ate the salmon and also didn't eat much of the mashed potatoes because of the chicken bowl and that's and that's that dude so postmates you can't win against me dude you can't win against me you cannot cooper don't hit the fucking camera yes cooper hit the camera and it shook a little bit but it's all good cooper stay there forever anyway dude it's all good we're having a good time i feel a little bit better now i got some good food in my system i was sad today and now i'm just chilling and i'm at a five out of Um, so that's good Uh I posted that thing About the Hugh Jackman dream I had I fucking went to Zanny Island

Again last night Actually this morning, I wake up at like 8 And I take a Zanny .25, it's all prescribed, dude I don't take drugs, somebody's like Somebody wrote a thing, hey, you're not sober if you're taking broke. Where you been? Where you been? So I took a fucking 0.25, which is nothing. And even though it's nothing, still fell asleep, dreamt of Tom Hanks. What's going on, dude? I'm not even bullshitting. I dreamt of Tom Hanks, dude.

What is going on? What's going on? What's going on with the fucking Alprazolam doctors? What's going on with the Alprazolam scientists? What are you doing to my shit? Yeah, we'll make this. I know how well we'll do. We'll make them dream of celebrities.

We'll make D' I know how well we'll do. We'll make them dream of celebrities. We'll make the Leah dream of celebrities. Tom Hanks was, had some secrets. I don't know what the fuck it was, but he had some secrets in my dream. I couldn't remember. I woke up and I was like, God damn, I got to stop going to Zanny Island. The last time I went to Zanny Island

was a week before I did the pod, when I did the podcast last time. And I went, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to fucking Zanny Island again on the next podcast I do. If I dream, I i swear to god if i dream of like kenneth bronner or some shit i'm gonna start snorting it because this is i don't understand what's going on um so i don't understand what's fucking going on man but it's crazy it's not even i'm not even taking a whole zen i'm not even taking a whole set is a fucking zanza bar dude

um I'm not even taking a whole Zanzibar, dude. Yeah. I don't get it. But I've been, so I posted the video of me talking about Hugh Jackman. You know, it was on my last podcast, but I also posted the video on my Instagram. And I got, everyone was talking about why do you drink Arrowhead? You fucking weirdo. What's wrong with Arrowhead?

What, what is it? What's, did I, I Googled it. There's nothing wrong. Like, what are people are like, you fucking, people were like, some people were like mad. I'm like, what did they like culture appropriate some shit? There was nothing on it. It was just like Arrowhead. It's like the fifth worst or best I don't even

Water I don't read the shit It's like it was fine I looked at the headlines Arrowhead's fine Dude it's fine Water's water As long as it's not Dasani

Or fucking Aquafina Them shits are terrible It's so bad It tastes like pennies It's so bad dude And I'm not even a water snob dude i'm not i drink arrowhead i'll kill arrowhead avion give me hand me whatever smart water they say smart water's bad i'll handle it all dude i'll handle it all but people were upset that i was drinking arrowhead and guess

what that makes me want to do get more fucking Arrowhead. That's right, dude. So now I'm glug glugging many bottles of Arrowhead. Um, and another thing that people were talking about, and this is what I want to pose. I want to posit this to you guys because I really didn't understand this. I, I, this is something I just learned. When I wake up, because I asked my buddy the other day, I said, when you wake up, do you wake up and open your eyes?

Sounds very poetic, but I said, when you wake up, do you open your eyes? And he was like, um, he's British. He's like, um, I don't know. I guess, guess well i don't know i kind of just like lay there i guess the first thing i do is i open my eyes and then um i don't look at my phone because i like to wait like an hour after i get up to look at a phone so um i guess i open my eyes and i kind of look around and i just kind of like close them maybe a little bit if i want to get more sleep um but then i kind of keep them open And I was like, really?

And he said, yeah, yeah, I reckon I do And I was like, wow Because in the video That I'm explaining to you The one that I posted on Instagram It's six minutes long and I'm telling a story about my dream And my eyes are closed the whole time When I wake up

I don't open my eyes. Okay. I don't do it. It's my body, my choice. I wake up. I let my mind wake up first and I keep my fucking eyes closed, dude. Cause I'm not a bitch ass. That's like, Oh, my brain's up. So what's up, dude? Who the fuck? That's so to me to wake up and just be like, all right, what's going on? Dude, I'm not ready to start the day just because you woke me up, brain. I'm going to get up when I want. All right? So I wake up, I keep my eyes closed, and I keep them closed. I keep them closed for a long time.

And in that six-minute video, my eyes were closed the whole time. And people were like, who tells a story for six minute video my eyes were closed the whole time and people were like who tells a story for six minutes with their eyes closed and then i found out that people don't like wake up and just kind of like chill people wake up and open their eyes like not even for like two minutes that's fucking communist behavior that That's ludicrous. What are you, in a play? You know what I mean? Just waking up like, bing!

Hello, my darling. Hello, my ragtime gal. Send me a car, too. What are you, Michigan J. Frog, dude? That's weird, okay? Open your eyes when you want to. When you wake up. So yeah, I fucking keep my eyes closed to shit for a long time.

I just, who, who, who are other people on my team with this? I don't really care. I'm not going to look for your answers. I don't know, man. That freaked me out. Am I doing something wrong? Nah. Speaking of eyes, dude,

I did the Vin Scully thing the other day on my podcast. Did you see the picture he tweeted of his fucking eye? I almost don't even want to call attention to it because he's like seriously like a week away from just like peacing out um he looks like somebody in star wars like you know and he's just like like the emperor the guy or whatever the fuck whoever that was where you're like wow he's really old and uh i love vince gully like great and it's awesome that he's doing it but he tweeted a picture of his fucking eye. He pulled the eyelid down. And he fucking took such a close picture of it.

And I don't know if he meant to, like, text it or whatever to somebody. But he fucking tweeted it. Bro, when I'm 85, I hope I'm doing shit like that. Because I bet he just doesn't give a fuck. But he's like, I didn't mean to. He just doesn't give a fuck. But he's like, I didn't mean to. I actually didn't mean to tweet the picture of that bump on the inside of my eye. Side retired.

I actually didn't mean. Vince Scully is, for those of you who don't know, the Dodgers announcer. I actually meant to text that picture in an email to my eye doctor, to my ear, nose, and throat doctor, but instead I put it on Twitter. Swing and a miss. Long fly ball, oops, tweeted my eye. Ball four, he walks to first. But it looks bad dude but but then i was like wow maybe it looks bad because he's old and he's unhealthy but then i i went and i took a picture of close to my

eye dude i look like fucking trash my eye was close to shit i looked bad too dude what up vince scully we're both announcers to the dodgers side retired singing um anyway uh but god i just want to do that baseball fucking impression all day long when i start doing it i just oh i just all day long want to be like, a weak and tired Kirk Gibson steps up to the plate. Long fly ball deep into the parking lot, passing the parking lot over a Shakey's pizza. They've got great pizza there. Every time I go, I eat at least half the pie over the Shakey's into the backyard of a neighbor. I happen to know them into the pool. The ball's wet.

And a home run. Um. Ha ha ha ha ha. So he tweeted a picture of his eye, dude. Everyone go out there and start tweeting pictures of your eye. And hashtag it, I stand with Vin. It's Vin Scully, not Vince Cully. Weird.

The only two Vins I know are him and Vin Diesel. I don't know any other Vins. Nothing is stronger than family. than family. The only thing stronger than missiles or bad guys is family. Give me a fucking wife beater

and let me lean up against the car like I don't give a shit about anything and take the shot. That'll be the poster. Side retired. So, yeah. God, man. Crazy.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws. Like Fresh Promise. Produce is carefully selected and checked for freshness. And if it's not fresh, it's free. Yes, you heard that right.

From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaws is committed to fresh. So you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. Why don't more people go with Vin? Who else is named Vin? Yeah, I know it's Vincent, but he goes with Vince. He goes with Vin, rather. Vince.

He goes with Vin rather. Um, but the world's going, going mad, dude. I don't know if it has anything to do with Vince Scully's eye. I don't think that. I know his fucking name is Vincent,

dude. One fire is like, it's Vincent. You know that I know that dude. It's like, but it's like, but it's like... I freaking, uh... What's up with fucking stupid sponsored stories on every website? For real, dude.

Like, you go to like, every website has it. You'll go on like, whatever, spinmagazine.com or whatever and it'll be like the the drummer from fucking smash mouth eats nine pieces of bubble gum every time he wants bubble gum and you're like oh shit. This fucking one. What was the thing it was from? It says Finance Boulevard. What is this? Finance Boulevard sponsored ad.

I don't even understand what this article could be. I didn't read it, and I don't understand who would click on it. Sincerely. Even from a what the fuck point standpoint, this is the title, the title of the fucking article. Mark Ruffalo's son is probably one of the most handsome men that ever existed. Okay. Right now I got to Google how, first of all, how old is Mark Ruffalo's son? How old is Mark Ruffalo's son?

Here we go. Top hit. About 20 years, Google says. All right. Okay. Mark Ruffalo's son is probably one of the most handsome men that ever existed. I'm looking at a picture of Mark Ruffalo. What's his name?

Keane Ruffalo. Here we go. Images. Images. Fine looking. I mean, guy walks into a coffee shop. I don't register. I realize I'm a guy and I'm a heterosexual male. Guy walks into a coffee shop. Oh, there's a guy. That's me. The title. Mark Ruffalo's son is, first of all, I've said this before, I swear to God, the word probably should never be in a title. If you don't know for sure something, don't be writing about it.

Only write about shit you're sure of. It's like all this shit, like New York Times will be like, fucking, this medication may link to, report it when you know. Report it when you know. It's not news, so why is it in the news? That's so annoying, dude. Cancer may be linked to to is it or not? That's like when they do it on...

Tonight on the news at 11. Is broccoli bad for you? You find out tonight at 11 and you're like, tell me now. Because I'm about to eat broccoli for dinner. I just wanted to show up and be like, hi, this is the news at 11, and about that broccoli thing, no. The fucking set goes dark,

and they're just talking to each other quietly. Dude, I hated watching that shit. Whenever like a talk show would go dark and the fucking commercial break would happen and they would talk to each other. I always want to know what they said. Always want to know what they said on Jay Leno or fucking David Letterman

or Colonel O'Brien. And then I was the guy on the couch once. And then it cuts to the shit and Conan leans over and he just says, that was good. Oh yeah, it was good. Cool. Yeah, it's good.

That's all you fucking say. Just so you know, that's all you say. You don't ever have some fucking heart issues or talk about some shit that matters. One time I apologized. I said, I'm sorry. I meant to fucking do the thing with the thing. He was like, oh, it's all good. It's all fun.

Hey, it's all good. And I'm like, oh yeah, these guys don't give a fuck. They're rich as shit. It was him and Andy fucking Richter scale. Remember that fucking song? Um, that, um, that, um, um, that. No, you don't. But yeah, dude.

I've been watching the show Lego masters on Hulu. Dude, I didn't really even mean to put it on. Uh, I like Will Arnett guys. Cool. You know, it's a tall drink of water like myself and he's got a really a good voice. I put this show on Lego masters and it was about this. It's about the greatest guys in the country making Legos and they all compete with each other.

And I'm like, dude, how has this not been a show? This is so a show that will be on in like the fucking eighties that they would remake. You know what? Maybe it is even, I don't even know if it is or not.

Anyway, it's on Hulu now it's on Fox, I think. And, uh, they show it on Hulu. And I, I was like, let me just see what this is all about because it was on my homepage. Sucker.

Got suckered in by the colors of Legos. And I played it and they fucking just started. That shit's rip roaring, dude. The show's good. And now I'm going to get Legos, dude. I can't get them yet because Cal could choke on them. But when Cal is old enough, I'm going to get Legos, dude. Congratulations, Legos.

You did it. And in the show, they say, don't say Legos. It's Lego. The plural of Lego is Lego. Like it's fucking deer or some shit. And it's not, dude. I say it's not. You made up the fucking word.

I say, no, I'm making up the word. You, just because if I make up a word you could say how you say however you want right it's not in the dictionary i mean it is now but just because you fucking made it and it's the company lego and the plural of lego is lego dude i'm not going to be out because here's what guy i'm not going to be the guy out there saying lego and most and most people be like you mean legos and i'm not going to be the guy that's like you know actually the the pluralization is um it's actually lego yeah lego pluralization is actually lego lest we forget but um just makes me laugh when people out there pluralizing it they're not realizing that that would show ownership um and in the show they're like the lego guys are doing the legos and they were like yeah only

dorks say legos hey guy untuck your shirt so many of the fucking people on the thing are twins too and of course they are. Because twins are weird. Dude, twins are so fucking weird. Why do we act like they're not, dude? We're just cool with twins? Come on, get the fuck out of here. I was friends with a guy for a whole fucking semester in high school, dude. A whole semester.

And I was sitting, I was on the group table with him, man. There were five chairs to a table. I sit across from the dude. And as I'm sitting across from the dude, he walks in also. And I fucking, I thought I was in the Matrix. And the Matrix didn't even happen yet. They didn't even have that movie yet. The Wachowski brothers were probably 10. And I almost had a fucking conniption.

I couldn't understand what was happening, dude. He was sitting here and he also walked in for a split second. Then I realized that they were twins. But the guy never told me. I was sitting across from him at his fucking group table. He never told me he has twins. I said, oh, what the, oh my God, that's what? And I was like, that's you.

And he was like, oh yeah, I'm a twin. I was like, you're just going to fucking let me sit here for half a semester and not tell me that you got to, talking about your brother, like he's, like he's not the spitting image of you. Twins are weird as shit, man. So they got to grab Legos sometimes because they can't have friends like we have friends, you know? When you're young, dude, and you're solo and you're rolling on your dolo and you're killing it And you're trying to figure out who you are by yourself That's kind of attractive Because it's a mystery you know You got a brother?

Maybe yeah I got a brother I got a sister You know maybe I don't know Growing up in the streets of New Jersey is tough right? Yeah What's your name? Milton What's your name? Chris

Alright dude let's link up We didn't know each other since birth since the second we was born then you meet twins and they're all like knowing each other from the second they were born all about each other it's weird as fuck looking like each other and then one of them has to die and the other one has to cry extra hard. Because like, basically, it's like watching you die. Ah, dude, I don't even want to get into it. God damn, thank God I'm not a twin. It's the only time it's fun to be a twin.

When you're like five, you know? You get to do jokes and shit. Hey, it's not really me. It's my brother. Oh, really? Yup. But you thought it was me because I always wear that hat. Then when you're like fucking 40, it actually probably sucks because when you get older, the, what happens is one of them, if you're identical one of them just essentially becomes the ugly one right the uglier version which is like horrible for that person and they act like it's not but like the one gets a little bit fatter or maybe they're more pear-shaped

and the first one's like got better hair that would suck to be that twin that those twins honestly at that point once it's distinguished that one is definitely the uglier one, the uglier one should be like, yo, man, you got this. You got this. And they got to move to like Germany or some shit. You can't just be hanging around in the same city as your fucking better looking twin. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yo, man.

Or if you're the handsome twin, you got to be like, twin, you got to be like, hey, man, I got this, bro. You got to move. You got to move over to fucking, you got to move to Germany, man. They don't really care how you look as much as they do in America. You've seen Germans, right? Plus, you don't have blonde hair, so you'll stand out a little bit. So I was watching Lego Masters. Jesus Christ, I got way off track.

There's twins on air, and there's father-son duos, brother-sister, super cute, like that they did, you know, they're like in their 20s, just super cute, that they've had their whole lives playing the shit. And then there, it was like season two. There's only two seasons, but I couldn't believe there were no Asians on the first season.

Does that sound like something that fucking Asians would bang at? It's just Legos. You think that they'd be making fucking dragons and shit, just like killing it with Legos. These guys make incredible shit dude um like transforming shit with motors like who's this into legos it's insane dude you ever fucking play legos like seriously like not just like get a little like, oh, hey, it's a sheep. It comes in a box. It's 19 pieces. You put it together.

But like a fucking town and shit? First of all, they're $480. You can't get like even, you get like two dogs with collars with, you know, or a fucking, you can get like a Lego chair and it's literally like $42 or some shit that big. They have everything Lego. Anything that exists, it's also a Lego, which is crazy. And it's so fucking expensive, dude. But have you ever seen guys that do like a whole town?

It's like, what are you doing? Get a puzzle, like a fucking real person. Get a puzzle, like a fucking real person. Get a puzzle. But these guys kill the fucking, kill it with the Legos, dude. They made dragons that do this. And like one guy did an eagle that doesn't only flap his wings, but they flap twice. They like come down and then like that. And like it fucking flaps like this.

And I'm like, how do you even do that dude he's like jesus christ with the legos so yeah man i don't know how does something become so fucking popular man there was a whole episode on the star wars shit with the legos also dude this is the shit that's hysterical to me for real dude you're looking at the producer credits brad pitt is a producer on lego masters like i love how funny is that dude i love that like when you're a superstar you could just be like you know be a good idea you know and you're just like everyone's looks like this what you have a good idea if you had like a lego show or something like that and they're like we're

on it we got it we got a treatment all right we got did you just say legos we got a treatment brad pitt where is it oh it? Oh, we're getting it. We're getting it. Write it up now. Write it up now. She's 20 minutes away. So here's the show. People compete and they do Legos.

Brad Pitt's like, yeah, we should fucking sell it or something. They're like, fuck. Just leaning up against a fucking old truck. You can make a Lego show or something, you know? Can I get paid for that? Yeah, yes. Yes, Mr. Pit, yes. Yeah, man, get these guys building Legos and shit, you know?

Just eating a fucking eclair. Just with only a shirt on. Yeah, make a fucking Lego show. Get producers on it. I won't have a fucking thing to do a fucking lego show get producers on it I won't have a fucking thing to do with it just put my name on it dude it's so funny that Brad Pitt is a producer on lego masters wow unreal I want to do that shit just fucking make some bullshit show it's a good show by the way I'm not knocking the show, but just be like, yeah, dude, I always wanted to get to that level of fame

where we were just like, man, aren't fucking, like Ice Road Truckers, you know? Like, I get there's drama in it, but who the fuck knew before Ice Road Truckers, right? Like, whoever the producer was, was a high-power producer, I'm sure, in reality TV, and like heard of Ice Road Truckers, right? Like whoever the producer was, was a high power producer, I'm sure in reality TV. And like heard of Ice Road Truckers and read up on it

and then was like, we should make an Ice Road Trucker show. And they just paid attention to him because he was a high level producer. Not because they knew that Ice Road Truckers were dope, which I guess gets good content because you got to have a guy being like,

trust me, trust me, this works. But that's how it all trickled on down to shows like Lego Masters, which happens to be a good show. But it's like, how are they fucking doing this? Also, I'm a firm believer that people will literally watch anything you put in front of them. And I mean people. I don't mean a person, right? If you're sitting there with your girl or your guy and you're like, hey, I'm going to put this on.

And they might be like, I don't like that shit. Turn that off. But people, not only the country, but the world, they'll watch anything you put. This is why people are like, oh, you're going to make fucking James Bond movie now with a black woman? That's going to ruin the franchise. Watch. People are like, it's not sustainable. It is sustainable.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter it doesn't fucking matter dude well why would you make this fucking person a gay character when it hasn't been a gay character the whole time because people will watch fucking anything dude they will watch anything ratings don't go down they just fucking keep happening there's too many people it doesn't matter they make piss poor shit throw it in the fucking movies and people just go they stream do you know why because it's on that's why why. That's it. People are always trying to crack the code. You can make fucking anything.

And people will watch it. Case in point. You're watching this shit right now. Dude, I'm a lunatic. I'm out here dressed like a goddamn coach. Telling you to go medium and sometimes stay out. And you guys are eating it up i'm piss poor baby

timing of this really got fucked up but here we go really got fucked up but here we go i'm piss poor and you're eating it up liked it even though it took too long couldn't find the key map yes dude love it when i can't find the key map Need a separate computer with the kid I'm a computer dude. I can't ever say computer without thinking of that old GI Joe shit We're breaking records out here with the fucking Jeremy Renner shit and that rips People will watch anything bro. They will watch anything, bro. They'll watch anything. You ever turn on fucking TLC?

You ain't learning shit, dude. They'll have a show on grass. They don't care. Or fucking Food Network. How many fucking shows can you watch about preparing meatballs? Remember Paula fucking Dean or whatever? Everyone was like, oh my God, she said that N-word. When she said the N-word, I was like, yeah, why hasn't she been?

Look at her and listen to the way she talks. She's always a step away from saying that N-word. She'll just be like, look at at that just drizzle all that on there just drizzle everything was drizzled doesn't even matter what it is just drizzle it on there you're like they're car keys just drizzle them on there just drizzle those car keys what are those cadillac car keys drizzle that just drizzle out on the top of that cannoli Look at that Look at those car keys on that cannoli What?

Just drizzle it Fucking black people Whoa Dude, Paula Deen, dude No shit, man No shit Oh, fuck, man She was drizzling everything, man. No shit. Oh, fuck, man. She was drizzling everything, man.

Look at that pork loin. Look at that. Just drizzle that. What is that? Oh, just the, what are you drizzling on there? Oh, just the nearest thing that I grabbed. Just the nearest thing. Oh, look at, oh, it's actually kitty litter.

Oh, just dribble, just drizzle it on there. Look at that. Just drizzle that right on that pork loin. Got kitty litter right on there. She was so sexual the way she did it too. Like you could, if you just close your eyes and listen to Paula Deen when she wasn't saying the N word, you could actually just, it sounded like maybe she was like in the mood. Oh my God. Look at that.

Wow. This is Paula Deen. Close your eyes. Oh my God. Look at that. Look how big that is. Wow. Look at it just come out like that. Look at that. Oh. This is Paula Deen. Close your eyes. Oh, my God. Look at that. Look how big that is. Wow. Look at it just come out like that.

Look at that. Oh, that looks tasty. Did you close your eyes? That's Paula Deen. Is she fucking or cooking? Here's a game show I like to call Paula Deen fucking or cooking. Round one. Oh, my God.

Look at that. Oh, my God. Wow. What is that? Oh, geez. Look at how big that is. That looks delicious. Which one was it? Turns out she was cooking. Here's round two. Paula Deen cooking

her fucking round two. Here we go. Oh my God. Look at that. Oh wow. It's small, but it's, look at that. Just taste it. Oh, it still tastes like it should. Look at that. Wow. Oh my God. Look at the way it brushes up against that on there, look at that, which one was it, up, round two, cooking, that was Paula Deen cooking, it's been two cookings, did you guess fucking yet, wasn't that, you didn't know though, did you, round three, here we go, oh my god, look at the way that is, look at that, oh my god, look at the way it comes out like that, put it back in for a little bit longer. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Whoops. Put it in too long. Whoa. You put it in too long. Oh my God. Did you take it out quick enough? Which one was it? Cooking. You didn't know, did you? Round four.

Here we go. Oh my God. Oh Jesus. Look at that. Oh Jesus. Oh my God. Whoops. Got some in my eye. Oh my. What is that? Taste that. Oh my God. That tastes good. Let me got some in my eye oh my what is that taste that oh my god that tastes good let me put in my butt oh my god not too far ow oh god oh my god did you come in my butt that one was fucking so thanks for playing paul dean. Drizzle that up in my butt. Drizzle those keys in my butt. Oh, my God. I've been shitting kitty litter for a week. He fucked me good.

Or there's a quote. I didn't know I was going to say when I woke up. Drizzle that kitty litter out of my butt. I've been drizzling kitty litter out of my butt for a week now. He fucked me good. Oh, wow. You know, dude, talk about sensational. Oh, man.

So we have a good time on this. Dude, I got to fucking cut because I'm too hot. I want to put on a fucking cooler, breezier outfit. I'll be back in a second. Sorry, guys. It gets fucking hot in here. I need to put something a little bit cooler on. Anyway, you can go get this merch.

Go medium and sometimes stay out and get it at crystalia.com. And oh my God, drizzle all that merch up in my butt. Oh my God, drizzle that crew neck t-shirt up in my butt. Um, how many shows can you watch on fucking the cooking channel for real? I, when I got divorced, when, when, uh, when I got divorced and my wife left where I lived, I was in the apartment and I was in my apartment and I left on the cooking channel fucking for months. I left it on for months and, uh, I didn't turn it off. I would leave the house. I come back. I'm sure my electricity bill was higher, but whatever it kept me comfort. So that's why I watched the home,

the cooking channel, but who watches that also more than if they're not depressed as shit, you know what I mean? You're watching someone cook, and I get it. It's good. Someone's good, and they'll hook you in. I'll watch fucking Alton Brown. By the way, how much does Alton Brown look like a guy who goes to the strip club and does this? Dude, Alton Brown is fucking... Dude, he's always like,

Hi, chefs. You know what I mean? He's always like, hi chefs. You know what I mean? He's always like, well, in here, I have my little recipes and what I do is, is Alton Brown a cook? What's going on here? Dude, Guy Fieri, fucking, uh, uh, what's the guy's name? Jim Battlefield. The one that I was on with. Who's that guy? The guy that I did the show with. Bobby Flay, not Jim Battlefield. Beat Bobby Flay. I was on Beat Bobby Flay.

Bobby Flay, Guy Fieri, the Contessa, the Barefoot Contessa, whatever the fuck. That's so weird that she's the Barefoot Contessa. I don't know why they call her Barefoot. I guess she doesn't wear shoes when she fucking cooks. Oh my God, drizzle those shoes off my feet. I don't want those on, but Paula Deen, all these people, their show immediately, immediately, you know, they're a cook. Alton Brown. What are you? Is that his name? Even I got to fucking make sure that that's the

right guy. It is. What are you, dude? What are you? You're just a host or what? Do you cook? Do you cook? Cause I've never seen this dude talk about it like he does dude he fucking comes straight from the strip club i swear to god i swear to god if i if alton brown doesn't come directly to work from the fucking morning shift at the strip club then i don't know people okay do you understand what i'm telling you and and this comes from a guy dude one time i was with one of my ex-girlfriends and we were having an argument about who knows people better and i said okay pick anyone pick anyone that you see in your eyesight and i will tell you something specific about that person.

And this isn't a lie, dude. We were at the Grove. Okay. A lot of people. She could have picked anyone. She pointed to this dude that was sitting on the fountain and eating a sandwich by himself. And she said, okay, that guy. And I said, I bet that that guy fucking makes his own furniture and shit.

And he's got like pieces in his house that he made and she was like that's ridiculous that's so specific and i said pick anyone and fucking i'll be specific about it that's as specific as you get right and she said yep i said all right you want to go fucking ask him go ask him and she says all right she gets up walks over the guy said the fountain, has a conversation with him, comes back. And she's, as she's walking back, she's going like this. And she says, walking up to me, do you know that guy? And I said, no. And she says, come on. I said, for real, I don't know him. Why? And she said, well, it said, he said, I asked him if he makes his own furniture and he said, well, it's not like he has a fucking furniture company and shit or like, but yeah, he like he put together he made his couch and like he made other pieces of furniture

and i laughed my fucking ass off i was surprised too i didn't know i was so good at it but i am dude so i'm telling you alton brown goes to morning shifts at the strip club and i'm also telling you there's nothing fucking wrong with that if alton brown hasn't eaten at the strip club i don't know people what does he do dude i bet he's the fucking laughingstock of everybody on the fucking food the guy's every time he does something it lasts 15 seasons and I think it's because it always just does fine. Like, it's so funny. He's not a star.

I mean, he is a star, but he's not like Guy Fieri. He's not like Guy, oh, sorry, Fieri. No, you know, people were saying, you're saying it wrong. No, no. Who am I? Chris Delia. So, yeah, dude. my chris delia um so yeah dude but alton brown dude he looks like he would have been a dick in middle school too god damn i fucking know people man i swear to god i know people if he didn't fucking give motherfuckers wedgie and tell people lies in middle school, then I

don't know people, dude. Then I'm lying about that furniture maker story. But I'm not. I think that that kind of stuff that happens, even though it's good, is bad for a guy like me. Because that's how somebody becomes a dictator. For real. I feel like dictators are guys who were playing blackjack and they they know not to hit on having 18 but they do anyway and get three is more than the normal person and then they're like i could rule a country Do you know what I'm saying?

We're breaking records with the Renner Sting. This is the most we've ever done. And honestly, I'm happy about that. How do you feel about it? That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem. Huh? That ain't no problem. I fucking love it.

Anyway, there's there's Alton Brown. American TV personality. He's just a, oh, I guess he's a chef, but that's third. Alton Crawford Brown Jr. is an american television personality food show presenter chef author actor cinematographer and musician of course he is

and strip frequent strip club goer um yeah dude all right i think that's good for now, probably. Is it? Okay. You guys are great. Thank you very much. I had a good time. And look, man, get in the face of that like button and you give them a stern talking to.

You do that for us and the cult that we are in, the congratulations cult that we are in. And we got to get to that for us and the and the cult that we are in the congratulations cult that we are in and we got to get to that log cabin and you look at that subscribe button and you take your sunglasses off and you give them a mean stare like they cut you off earlier and they might recognize you and if you want to you saunter on over to that bell notification number button not number bell notification button and you just hip check it, dude. You hip check it and you keep walking and you see if they want to fight. That's what you do, dude, to all those three things because it helps our algorithm. It helps us grow.

All right? And if you're not making friends in the comments, you ain't doing shit, dude. Leave a comment below and say, hey, what's up i'm from kentucky where's everybody else from or say some bullshit like fuck that show the walking dead anybody with me make friends meet people off your hatred for the show the walking dead at least the later seasons hey guys that was the episode for youtube uh if you want to catch the rest of the episode, head on over to my Patreon. That is patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And you can go and watch the rest of this episode and the rest of every other episode that has happened.

And also, there are other episodes that aren't even released to YouTube. I think there's probably like, fuck, there's a lot there now. But, and then there's also behind the scenes stuff that I post sometimes. And there's also another segment that I do called Review Mode. You get to look at that. There's a lot of extra stuff

going on over on my Patreon. So go ahead and check it out. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Thanks for listening. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations, motherfucking Bob! You scared the fuck out of me! I'm a motherfucker right here!

I'm a motherfucking clown! I'm a motherfucker! Hey, boys, welcome to the next episode of Congratulations.