Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 207. S'What That's Like!

Episode Date: September 1, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 😌 Thank you https://transcendlabs.com. Use code: CONGRATS for 50% off your order on the best CBD out there. In this week's episode Chris talks Jeopardy, Real Housewives, and milkcrates. He also breaks down the OnlyFans fiasco and s'what that's like! 🎮 New Twitch Channel! twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This is Congratulations. this is congratulations hi guys what's up dude it is congratulations episode 2007 and the reason why I said it like this, this is congratulations because it reminds me of Jeopardy. Are you recording on the thing? It doesn't say it on the numbers on the thing.

We're recording and I don't even know it. So, okay, we started at that time and I'm going to know it. I'm going to look at it from now on. So yeah, dude, everything is good. And I just wanted to thank everybody for listening, my fans to keep rocking with me, the fans of the podcast to keep listening and tuning into the congratulations, the podcast, and also the Patreon supporters. You guys are amazing.

You can sign up for my Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And then also follow me on Twitch, Flex Avenue. Been having a blast on Twitch. It's fun. Did I ever know that my life, living my life like EdTV was good? Did I ever think that it would be good? No.

Is it good though? Yes. It's fun. I'm having a good time. Yes, dude. And it's fucking adding to my daily life. Yes. Is it good though? Yes. It's fun. I'm having a good time. Yes, dude. And it's fucking adding to my daily life. Yes. Is it probably fucking doxing me wherever I go and I won't be able to hang out those places? Yes, but that's okay because it fucking fulfills me a little bit more in my life. Yes, dude. Still haven't been sniped on Twitch and people are always like, don't dox where you are. Don't show us. Now we know. Now they know he's near the Bo Burnham. People are always like, don't dox where you are. Don't show us.

Now we know. Now they know. He's near the Bo Burnham. He's near the Bo Burnham billboard on fucking Fairfax Boulevard. Go find him. And they're like, dude, you're going to dox yourself. What's going to happen? Nothing's going to happen.

A weirdo is going to come up to me and say, hey, what's up? Dude, I deal with weirdos all day long. People just come up and they are weird as shit. So that's it. Maybe for not a stand-up comedian, it's like a big deal, but for me, dude, got heckled all the time, it's fine, all gonna be good, you know, that's fine, okay, so yeah, dude, and it is what it is, but the reason why i said this is dude how about this jeopardy thing man it's all fucked it's 100 all fucked this is fucked dude it's 100 all all fucked the whole deal is fucked the dude got fired for saying something i don't even honestly i don't even

know what he said but i'm sure he was trying to joke or whatever the fuck. I know he was trying to joke and he said it on a podcast a decade ago or some shit. And by the way, everybody knew. So here's what happened. A guy, since Alex Trebek retired, or did he actually, he passed away.

Did he pass away yet? He did. He died. And I know that. And I'm not a bad person, but I do know that. And it's not that I forget that. I knew that. I just secretly, I don't know, something, something that. And I'm not a bad person, but I do know that. And it's not that I forget that. I knew that.

I just secretly, I don't know, something happened. So I'm not a bad guy. I do love Alex Trebek. I think that he's great. Is it Alec Trebek or Alex Trebek? I know I'm kidding. So we do jokes here. So Alex Trebek passed away, and that's very sad.

He was a very, very beloved host uh, host, game show host. And he hosted Jeopardy and he made the show the show, you know? And when he passed, one of the producers stepped in, they weren't sure, uh, if they were going to keep him or what they had like guest hosts and, and whatever. It turned out that this guy happened to be, um, the, uh, the, the, um, the, the best job to fill the thing. Now, when he got the job, of course, he's a white guy and everyone was like, oh, fucking white guy shouldn't have got it, whatever. He actually was, you know, uh, a, a, a fine host for Jeopardy.

I think he deserved the job because he produced Jeopardy, uh, for a long time. He was one of the executive producers of Jeopardy for a long time. He was one of the executive producers of Jeopardy. I believe executive producers, which means top dog on Jeopardy, if not producer, but whatever. Either way, he worked behind the scenes. Jeopardy became the host and it was all good until people got mad because he was a white guy

and the powers that be on the internet or whatever drummed up everything old in the past that was going to fuck him and they did. And said oh look what he did what he did he called uh i don't even know what he did i don't even know what he did honestly i didn't look that up because i don't give a fuck the problem is he said it a decade ago and it was on some podcast or something like that and all these fucking angels on social media are now attacking him holier than thou and saying he can't be a host on jeopardy and here's the deal dude the guy the guy stepped down now here's my problem with that okay here's my 100 problem with that first of all the powers that be the angels

that are infallible that are online. And you know that they're infallible because they have Twitter. And you know that they're infallible because they have Reddit. And nobody ever on Reddit or Twitter has ever said anything bad or done anything bad. Because even if you do bad shit, why would you hide out on the internet under a fucking pseudonym like Limb's Kit 68 or some shit? These are the people who are trying. These are the infallible angels that are trying to bury some game show host that has a past like we all do. All right.

So Jeopardy buckled and i say jeopardy buckled because the guy mike richards the host of it stepped down now we all know if you have half a brain we know all good we cough and we move on, but we know that he did not willingly step down. We know the powers that be what network is, is jeopardy on the powers that be ABC. This is ABC's fault. The powers that be at ABC told the Jeopardy people, we have to protect the brand.

We've got to remove him. Rather than us firing him, we're giving him a chance to step down. So the guy stepped down. Now, here's the thing. Fuck you, Jeopardy, and I'll tell you why. You want to make a decision, you eat it. You eat that decision. You eat that fucking decision.

And here's the other thing. Mike Richards, you make them eat that fucking decision. But you can't, though, can you? No, you can't. You can't, can you, Mike Richards? And it's barely Mike Richards' fault, even though we can say, well, why didn't he make them fire him then? Because they were dangling the executive producer title over his head.

They said, well, either you quit or we fire you. And if we fire you, how can you be executive producer? Now, that's the dirty fucking game that Jeopardy played. That is the dirty game that ABC played. You can't trust these motherfuckers. They're buckling to outrage. They are buckling to outrage. And that's bad because everybody,

even the infallible angels, they all have fucking pasts. So dude, be careful who you come for limp biscuit 68 because one day they'll come for you fuck that man all these corporations and companies they're holier than thou dude these fucking assholes out there you know what networks do do you know what agencies do do you know what these fucking hollywood types do they rob you motherfucker they rob you they rob you they make it hard for you to make money they try to fucking make the most money they can

and suck the most blood that they can and not give a fuck they turn a blind eye when it suits them and they stare right at you when it suits them and they stare right at you when it suits them. Everyone's afraid of everything, dude. Who the fuck hasn't been on a podcast and talk shit about someone else? Cancel me again, dude. Everyone needs a YouTube channel. Everyone needs a Twitch stream. Everyone needs a fucking whatever the fuck. I'm getting OnlyFans, dude. Because you need that. Mike Richards, getting OnlyFans. Fuck LeVar Burton.

Only 60% sure that he also was in contention to be a host. Not sure, so if he's not, not fuck LeVar Burton. And even if he's not, or if he is not, fuck LeVar Burton. We did that for comedy. So yes, dude. We're firing on all syllables and it's only been eight minutes. Can't see it over there. So I have to look at my computer and my contacts are blurry because I'm passionate, dude. When I get passionate, my contacts get blurry. It's like my

superpower. It's the worst superpower ever, but that's what happens, dude. I get fucking angry like the Hulkulk and i don't get big and green but all of a sudden my contacts just go and then i can't see so basically i'm daredevil but it's like dude get it together stop buckling to this fucking bullshit infallible angled up mobs manbs, man. Everybody's fallible, dude. You could, you know what? If the Pope did a goddamn podcast, could you imagine?

I know guys who are fucking 50, 60, 40 years old that are like, I think I might quit the business because they, anybody has said anything. Mike Richards. What was the guy from jerry seinfeld's name michael richards great cool so we canceled now two guys named mike richards that's when you know the shit is bonkers we gotta fucking get back dude you're gonna cancel so many fucking people you're gonna be left with a fucking you know what i mean a soccer ball and some french toast french toast is gonna be on the fucking thing this is jeopardy just a piece of fucking french toast with glasses on and a tie sorry they canceled everybody i'm

french toast here we go let's go to the soccer ball. Soccer ball, what is it? Soccer ball is like, what is Botswana? Yes. We have to end this early. I got to get up early because somebody needs to eat me for breakfast. This is ridiculous. Get it together, dude. It's 10,000 people online that are just destroying people's

lives. It's 10,000 people online that are destroying people's lives. But what the fuck do they care? They're lim-bzkit68. They're hiding behind some bitch ass. That's the other thing too. I think it should be illegal for somebody to have a dummy account online. I think it should be illegal. You know how many motherfuckers try to kill themselves because another person out there is calling them fat and they don't even know who it is. It's bullshit. Anyway, do it. I'm getting hot. I'm getting hot. One fire got an air dude, every room in my house has air conditioning. Got central air, my babies. And that's great.

Except for this room and the supply guest room. And why is that bad? Now, it is bad because why is there one room that doesn't have central? Why is there one room that doesn't have any air conditioning? That's bad. But also, why is it that it's the only room that we're going to use to have fucking crazy lights in it, and it's so hot. Now, on fire, it was like,

let's get a fucking air conditioning unit for it. So we did. We got one of those ones with the long dick hoses that you fucking put in, and they scoop the air from the other area, and they put it, and they cool it from the new area, and we did that. But guess what he didn't think of?

Oh, we have to close the door, and that big- ass dick hose thing can't be in with the thing and it's also too loud. So he fucked up on two occasions. And that is why truly Juan Fire. And that's fine. He's still one of my best friends,

if not my best friend. However, that is why Juan Fire. So now it's hot as shit in here. Hey, yes, in less than 10 minutes, we turned in here. Hey, yes, it lasted 10 minutes. We turned it off and closed the door. It lasted 10 minutes. Yes, dude.

I love only 10 minutes of feeling comfortable. Oh, I love only 10 minutes of feeling uncomfortable and then 50 minutes of feeling uncomfortable. You know, I meant comfortable the first time. It doesn't matter. We make mistakes and we move on, dude. We have a good time. We make mistakes and we move on, dude. We have a good time. We make mistakes and we move on, dude. So anyway, dude, fuck Jeopardy. I'll never watch it. Who cares, though?

Who cares? They don't need my eyeballs. I wasn't watching it anyway. Fucking Jeopardy, dude. They're just like, they're just like, this is the, see ya,

already, daily double and shit. My fan is on. Oh, it's not on. He said, turn your fan on. It is on,

dude. It's not on. I thought it was on, but it's not on. And it's on the thing and it's not working and because it unplugged. No, it's plugged in,

dude. It's not in. Nothing's working. Ah, yes, dude. I love when nothing works and I'm too hot. Sweat cascading down my fucking armpit.

Dude, oh, shit. Water drops are going skiing down my lats. Let's relax, dude. Let's just relax. Let's relax. It's fine. Dude, let's just relax. The viewers at home don't need to know how hot I am.

Let's just relax. Because honestly, sometimes I'm a cartoon to myself and I just want to be real. Like I was last time when I started the podcast, I was real. I wasn't feeling it. And I was opened. I opened it up. I opened up to you guys and I told you about it. You know, not every fucking, not every fucking podcast has to be a fucking movie, dude.

I love when guys say that. That's a thing. That's a thing. That's a saying that finally put it to bed, dude. Hey, it was a movie, dude. We went to Barcelona. It was a fucking movie, dude. Quiet.

Okay. It wasn't a movie. Yo, fucking dude. Coachella was a movie, man. Coachella was a fucking movie, dude. Coachella was Schindler's List. Coachella was fucking Toy Story's List. Coachella was fucking Toy Story 2 where you cried at the end.

Oh my god. We got emotional like Coachella. Coachella was a fucking NYU student short film. Oh my god. And you know that because everyone was taking everything way too seriously. It's a fucking movie. I don't know why I'm John Travolta doing that.

But whatever, dude. i can't believe two guys named michael richards have been canceled that's fucking crazy crazy wild can't see anything because my contacts are blurry all good um i did here i want to address something that's so fucking annoying dude i mean i did a I did, I put a video out. Kristen recorded me when I woke up. I told her about my dream when I go, and I woke up with my Hugh Jackman dream. It was like two or three episodes ago on congratulations and do it. Now, when I put the shit out, I put it on Instagram.

I also made a YouTube clip on it on the more crystal Leah channel. Go follow that. also made a youtube clip on it on the more crystalia channel go follow that but also dude when i put it out there this shit went stupid viral dude the shit went dummy on dummy bonkers viral okay and that's not my fault i do this shit and then you make it go dummy viral thanks but that means when a shit goes dummy viral right when i'm sitting here going because of how viral it went everyone's getting it and you know this shit goes viral when everyone starts commenting dumb shit when the shit where the comments become serious and that's what happened everyone was trying to make friends in the comments dude some guy was

saying you know what? You can't say you're sober if you didn't fucking do the thing You can't say you're sober if you took Xanax You went to fucking Xaniana Alright, dude, drop it, okay? You know the problem Stop acting like I'm a drug addict I'm not, alright? I'm not a drug addict

And someone's like, well, dude, you say, you know You say you're a sober guy, but you can't If you went to fucking Xanasi Island I like how they were still using my lingo, well, dude, you say, you know, you say you're a sober guy. You can't. If you went to fucking Zanis the Island, I like how they were still using my lingo too. In the comments, they were like, you fucking said you went to Zanzibar table for two. And that's actually bullshit because yo, you know, it's a drug because when you stop taking it, you're going to feel it. Well, Hey guy, I took it twice. They were both on a Wednesday and they were a week apart.

Last time I took it was a month before it. So I don't have a fucking problem going to Zanissey Island. I just visited and it was a 0.25. And yeah, I've taken prescription drugs. That's not what I mean when I say I've never taken drugs in my life ever. That's not what I mean when I say that I've taken Advil, I've taken Robitussin, I've fucking, you know what I mean? I take also, uh, uh, what do you call it? What do you call it? What do you call them? SSRIs or whatever the fuck they call it.

Is that what they call them? I take them, dude. So those are the drugs that I have done. What I mean is I didn't fucking ever rail a bunch of cocaine or go toot toot on the fucking, you know, on the weed train. I never went toot toot on the weed train is what I mean. I never drank alcohol, okay? Y'all can go to the doctors and get the fucking zany shit I got and they'll give you a whole bar.

I break the shit in half, dude. Your boy's a fucking good boy. Your boy's real nice with them drugs, dude. Real nice. I'm a fucking choir boy with that Zanny shit. But let's get back down to reality. Let's get back down to earth. Let's stop screaming about Zanis the island.

I know that sometimes things, people, areas, they rile me up. Nouns. Nouns rile me up, okay? People, places, and they rile me up. Nouns, nouns rile me up, okay? People, places, and things rile me up. But let's take a fucking step back and just relax because this podcast is my therapy, even though therapy is also my therapy.

And I really do appreciate you guys listening. I really do. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. to the juiciest apples. Loblaws is committed to fresh, so you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details.

So yeah, that's about all I have to say about that. But my dreams be vivid. And I never had a dream be as vivid as i was doing the hugh jackman one and i wish i wish he didn't even have to let me know but i wish hugh jackman saw that clip so he knew that even in his dream he's better than me um yeah we still don't know when uh we still don't know when don does coming out and I'm fine with that. I don't really care. You know, Kanye's Kanye and he's fucking losing his mind and that's fine. Uh, he makes killer clothes and his music is, you know, it gets worse and worse,

but that's because of his, you know, mental disorder. And also he's focusing on fashion, I'm sure, whatever. And that's fine, dude. And guess what? The fact that there's Kanye West is fine. One of my friends was like, you know, taking him to task, talking about how bad he is for the world. Whatever, dude. For some reason, all bets are off with musicians. For some reason, all bets are off with musicians. But that shit's going to come out, Donda. The thing about music that is the most annoying thing,

and I don't know if it makes it better or worse, but it's definitely the most annoying thing, is that music is not about the music. It's not about the music anymore. Remember when Beatles were all like, we all live in a yellow submarine, and now 6ix9ine is shooting people and fucking coloring his hair, red, rainbow,

rainbow bright, right? It's not about the music anymore. It's about what fucking Kanye said. It's about the fashion. It's about what Lady Gaga wore. Oh, ever since fucking Bjork, was that her name with the swan? That was the shit that did it. When Bjork wore the swan, it became not about the music anymore she got so

much publicity wearing that fucking swan that it didn't matter she was just fucking dude the cranberries saw that and they were like what about Libby on her head what about Libby on her head what about zombie what about all that the pretenders proclaimers proclaimers or pretenders no the other ones proclaimers, proclaimers or pretenders? No, the other ones, proclaimers are, what about them?

They're like, well, what about walking 500 miles? And then what about walking 500 more? What about walking a thousand miles and singing about it? When Bjork showed up with that extra arm on her hip, it became not about the music. And now Kanye does shit like scream at a party about how they almost killed their daughter

and aborted her before she was even born. Sad. Get him some help. But that's the reason why he's the biggest artist in the world. That's the reason. Because it's not about the music anymore. Kanye is fabricating, and Drake, they're fabricating this fucking beef that they have,

or they really have beef, but either either way it's not about the music You know Drake did a line that was vaguely shot At Kanye in a rap In a rap song And then Kanye tweet Instagram Drake's address It's too far

Don't Docks world stars It's too far don't dox world stars it's too far and also it's not about the music anymore when you're out there doxing motherfuckers you don't have to fucking you don't have to do that you don't have to double inside double inside when you can just fucking wear a swan you don't have to why you think janet jackson pulled her fucking titty out why you think jt pulled her fucking titty out because they knew where music was going you couldn't this is why people are screaming hip-hop is dead, dude. It's not just hip-hop.

It's all of the hop. So it's like, you know, and by the way, comedy is becoming that way too. Comedy is becoming shock shit. What can I say for the most clicks, right? What can I do that'll make somebody fucking follow me or click? Well, fuck all that shit, dude. That's not what we do here. What we do here is speak from the heart.

There's no agenda, dude. These other motherfuckers got agendas. Dude, I have no agenda. Do not call me Jeopardy. What you see is raw and real, and what you see is what you get. I've been saying that since TMP, and the shit rolls on, dude. Oops, hit the fucking hit him up too. But you know what, dude?

I should have. That's why, these motherfuckers. It's just, it's, you know, it's a weird time, dude. It's not about the music anymore anymore and they're digging up shit you say on podcasts 10 years ago and that's what makes last night a fucking movie um yeah

what a bitch move to tweet somebody's address or to instagram somebody's address what a bitch ass move dude fucking Drake kept it to the song and that's a bitch move, dude. These rappers think they're really gangsters. They think they're really fucking gangsters. They think they're really out here

like someone who's not just rhyming. Oh, dude, let's just take a step back. You're right. Let's just take a step back. You right let's just take a step back you're basically a leprechaun leprechauns rhyme let's just take a step back you belong in a children's book so stop with the fucking gangster shit right so many rappers and hip-hoppers and shit are just like, oh, dude, you thought you was a gangster till you met one. They do it so much that now fucking white suburban chicks are just like, you thought you was a gangster till you met one.

See ya. You got homework. You know what I mean? If you have homework, you ain't no gangster. You know what I mean? If you have homework, you ain't no gangster. Everyone's so fucking mixed up and so sad and so ridiculous. I mean, dude, we're acting like we didn't see this coming.

We're acting like we didn't know. We're acting like fucking Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Real Housewives. We're acting like Real Housewives hasn't been on for longer than a decade. Survivor started this whole fucking thing too. I'm on one today, but it's the truth, dude. You're out here glorifying these idiot fucking housewives that are doing shit. Like all they do every episode is talking, well, you know, she got drunk, and that was the thing, we couldn't invite her, but she really wants to go, but what happened was, fucking Rianne said, well, you know,

we're not hanging out, but we were hanging out, so now she found out that there's a party, and she's all upset with us, let's go to her house! Beep, boop, boop, beep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep and I found out through I found out because Kanye fucking put it on Instagram these fucking idiots dude these real Hollywood housewives there's one in Potomac there's one in fucking Potomac they made too many dude that's like the hack joke

that's like this fucking CSI this one that the other the other there's a real hot housewives potomac that's it dude I swear to god they're making one right now real housewives of whatever and that's what it's called real housewives of ah you guess that's the next one coming out and these fucking women they're not even real they're're CGI. They look like it anyway. You've seen those motherfuckers with the duck ass lips?

Fuck that. Their lips look like a whole asshole. They look like they're walking backwards. And then they open their mouth. Oh, wait, they're talking. This must be their front. They look like the movie Cats. These fucking idiots.

And they're idiots, dude. All their hairs are just done. And they're just, half of them have music careers after 50. Says, why the fuck does someone have a music career after 50? Elegance is learned. Just singing and shit. What are you doing, dude? And you're out there celebrating that shit. You're out there singing it with them.

Elegance is learned. And now Mike Richards is at home and he's got to watch this bullshit instead of jeopardy so he doesn't have a fucking trigger attack mike richard's sitting there looking at a girl that should be walking backwards because he said some bullshit on a podcast three and a half fucking, a whole decade ago. Bro, my fucking, my girl and her friend just burns through that real Hollywood. There's so many. I got to fucking sit here and I got to listen to all the fucking, it's always on in the background. Bloom, bloom, bloom, bloom.

We've got to go to fucking fucking they've got all names that are almost names what's the fucking name of the one teddy no it's not a name that's a fucking cuddly stuffed animal it's like rianne and teddy and fucking piper and shit. I don't even know what their names really are. It's like, dude, what happened to fucking, you know what I mean? Kelly. What happened to Tessa even or some shit?

I mean, call them Ruth for fuck's sake. They're old enough. Bertha and Ruth. They all look like, they look like the fucking movie with Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn and Bruce Willis. Death Becomes Her. Like, they just wish for eternal youth and they were like, the movie uh with meryl streep and goldie hawn and and bruce willis death becomes her like they just wish for eternal youth and they were like the devil was like okay and they just fucking coming out of their fucking bmw so their husbands they don't know what the

fuck is going on too they're idiot husbands that are just like okay they're just sitting there the fucking women are just and the dudes are like, I don't know. I thought we'd take a trip. And they're just, you want to take a trip? That's all those old dudes fucking do. You want to take a trip? When we were in, and then the fucking Rihanna's like, when we were in the south of France, that was when he first said, dude, who watches this shit? And they're sitting there talking.

This is the worst part. You got to watch the show and you got to actually watch what's going on, which is the same thing every episode. And then you got to watch them talk about it to the camera. Something happens. Rian throws a drink and then fucking Teddy is on, cuts to Teddy and she's talking to the camera. Something happens, Rian throws a drink, and then fucking Teddy cuts to Teddy, and she's talking to the camera, and she's like, so Rian got crazy last night, and she threw a drink.

Oh, I gotta see the boring shit, and have a boring tell-it person tell it to me boringly after that? Oh, thanks, but go fuck yourself, whatever. What channel? E. E. E, dude. Is it E? Oh, E, dude. Is it E? Oh, E, dude.

You're a bad network. How's that? All this bullshit with the say yes to the dress or whatever. But we got to come down on that guy, dude. Oh, and the worst episode of the show always is the reunion. Oh, dude. That cash grab of a reunion where they all come back and they look infinitely older and they're just like so what did you think that fucking guy what's his name andy is it andy

is it andy cohen is that him whoever the fuck it is that good looking dude with the with the silver hair so what he's got the worst job i've ever ever ever i'd rather be a fucking crack whore than what that guy does is it andy cohen just look it up it's a fucking dude always crossing his legs so what did you feel when when rianne threw the wine what did you feel what do you mean how i feel what motherfucker cut the commercial andy cohen yeah i bet you that's the worst job, dude, I used to say the worst job was Ryan Seacrest's job because all he does is say, this is American Idol, but fuck all that Andy Cohen's got the worst job I've ever

thank God he's rich if I had to sit there and act like I gave a shit about somebody on a reunion shit you know what sucks always? Reunions they did their thing they did it hey, Journey's back, they did it, whenever, hey, Journey's back,

they're playing, reunion tour, hey, fucking, remember this guy, he's coming back around, and he's teamed up with that guy now, to help them sell tickets,

because they can't, solely on their own, so we got all the old hip hoppers, we got Big Daddy Kane, we got fucking, Kool Moe D. And all these guys. Well, why isn't LL Cool J on it?

Well, because he still sells tickets. That's why. Fuck all these reunion tours, dude. When I'm done, I'm done. You'll never see me back on the fucking thing, on the ticket, playing for fucking 90-year-olds. 90 years old.

Half of them fucking stabbed me in the back anyway, but still oh man but it's got fucking uh you know your boy got fucking wicked today i didn't even mean to but oops i got wicked for fucking six dollars you can sign up for the Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia, and you get an extra episode a month. You get an uncut extended shits, uh,

and other, there's another whole review mode that I do. That's a segment. What else do you want from me, dude? I don't even give a fuck if you don't sign up, but if you, you know,

it's like, it's on you dude. Now it's on you. I put it all out there. It's on you, dude. Can't believe the fucking big lips and the Botox on these ladies and shit. And they're all working out, talking to each other

in their home gym, doing shits that aren't even workouts. They're just like, that's not even a workout. What are they practicing fucking i swear i saw one of them going like this yeah seriously we didn't invite her and it was kind of actually shitty i feel bad and she's doing just got a five pound weight doing this like she's like it looks like she's rock climbing on a level on a regular straight level yeah so what are you doing strafing what is that for jerking yeah

real but real housewives of potomac you know like what is it even called potomac all i know is potomac river um real housewives of Potomac season six, it says of Potomac. Oh, Bravo. It's on Bravo. Fucking who watches Bravo? Honestly, has there ever been a straight male that has watched Bravo? It's just gay guys and also women, right? Look at these, the names of the cast giselle

robin with a y candius ashley karen and monique i mean dude like how many are there? Housewives of New York. I love to, I love how there's New York, Orange County, Beverly Hills, Atlanta. Dude. And, and Kristen was like, the New York one's actually better. We were watching one of the ones and she's like, the New York one's actually better. Cause they just fucking, they're, they don't give a fuck. And it's like, then I show, and they, one of them's got a music career. It's just like, yeah, get that dude.

What's happening, dude. It's like the Jersey shore only, only for older women. Remember when the Jersey shore came out and everyone was like watching it and like these guys got like millions of dollars for being fucking morons. Whatever.

Fuck them. More power to them, dude. I'm in the wrong job, I need to be a real housewife, a fucking, crazy shit, we hit a, I leave my parents house,

for, we have dinner, like every Sunday, I left the parents' house for, we have dinner like every Sunday. I left the parents' house. I had Calvin in the car and we left. Kristen stayed home. She had to do something for school and shit. We drove back, me and Calvin, and my brother had left like five minutes earlier. And he wrote, and he called me as I was pulling out of their, of my parents' driveway. And he said, Hey, just so you know, on the two freeway before the mountain exit, it's called mountain.

Uh, there's a fridge in the middle of the road. So be careful. Don't hit it. And I said, cool. Thanks. So I'm leaving. I got Calvin in the car and I'm on the two and I see, oh shit, here it comes. Mountain's coming up.

I wonder where the, and as soon as I thought, I wonder where the, I heard pop real loud. And then, and I look and about not a hundred yards in front of me, not, not even 50 yards. Um, I see sparks and I think, well, there it is. And the shrapnel came from the fridge and it started bouncing and it was bouncing and I ran over some of it. Didn't pop any tires or anything. It was real little, but, um, and I got video and I put it on my TikTok. If you follow me on TikTok, Chris D'Elia is my TikTok.

And it's on there. It's the last thing I posted at this point. It might be a few back now by the time this comes out. But go look at it, dude. I got such a good shot of the guy. And there's a fridge indented in his thing, in his grill. And he was pulling over, but he was still driving. He was pulling over.

I don't know if he was pulling over slowly or what. I hope he was pulling over slowly. And I got the thing as I'm driving by. I didn't look at it because I keep my eye on the road, but I'm like, I, and I looked at the video when I parked and I got a perfect shot. And I was like, wow, that's amazing. I can't believe I got the shot posted to TikTok. I wrote, I can't believe I got the shot.

And so many people were like commenting, oh, good on you to slow down and help them. Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, first of all, this is actually the only reason why I didn't stop. Um, I have a fucking toddler in my car and this is America. I don't trust nobody, dude. Remember when Tupac said I'm the way I am because society made me the way I am. Dude, fuck that. This is America. You hit a fridge and I'm with my toddler?

You're on your own. I'm getting out and helping a guy in my fridge. My toddler's in the fucking, get out of here. This is America, dude. Family stays safe. I don't know this motherfucker. He was fine. Nobody was dying.

He just hit a mini fridge and it was embedded in his grill. I looked, he was fine. Man, he didn't really look. You know what I mean? He was fine because he was driving regularly off of the shoulder. He wasn't swerving and shit. Um, so yeah, dude,

but yeah, fuck all that. If it was burning on fire and my, my toddler wasn't with me, I would go help like fucking Jesus Christ. Actually, I didn't even think of the Brendan shop thing. He,

he took these kids out of this car that was smashed. And, um, yeah. And, um, yeah. And, uh, well, that whole story, you can Google it, but that's, it's just insane that that happened. Um, but yeah, anyway, my story versus his is mine. Mine was a little more heroic because of how I saw a fridge guy run over a fridge and I

kept driving. But, yeah. What's up with this milk crate? Dude, can we stop? Can we stop? It's a fucking idiot idea. Oh, dude, you know what? I just realized I am an old guy.

But I saw old guys do the milk crate challenge. With the challenges, dude, it know what? I just realized I am an old guy, but I saw old guys do the milk crate challenge with the challenges, dude. It's enough. One milk crate, two milk crate done. That's my milk crate challenge. One crate, two crates back to one crate. Did it. Can I go home? Bro, they get up to six crates. And then as if that's not good enough, you got to get back down. For those of you that don't know, they set up crates. They set up one crate, then two crates,

then three crates, then four crates, then five crates, then six crates. Then they go back down, five, four, three, two, one and you got to step from crate to crate and it's like a pyramid

and then step down. Everybody falls on the sixth crate. For some reason, the sixth crate is the fucking, because it's the highest one, that's the motherfucker and then if you make that, you don't get to fifth crate. For some reason, the sixth crate is the fucking, it's because it's the highest one. That's the motherfucker. And then if you make that, you don't get to fifth crate. For some reason, that step down is the most bitch you can be in your entire life.

Everyone is going, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's what everyone is saying, whether they like it or not, when they're going from six to five. And they fall and they don't fall pretty, man. These motherfuckers flip and fall on their either neck or head or right in their rib cage. The crate hits right in their rib cage. And everyone goes, oh, and why is it fun? Why is it fun? If you're a kid doing it, okay, kids are stupid.

Saw adults doing it. What you doing? You got a driver's license? Only place you need to travel is home, dude. You don't need to travel up them crates. You're an idiot. Congratulations. You're a cuda.

Those barracudas see those flashy things, they hop right to them just because they're flashy. That's what you did, motherfucker. That's what you did. Oh, you think I can't do it? Who did it? Rick did it? Put him up. You're a cuda dude congratulations

but yeah man i mean how many fucking how many how many times can you see somebody fall and you got to do it do it i saw a fucking fitness influencer doing it and he did like uh uh bicep curls on the top of it. It was just like, Jesus Christ. Have people died from this yet? It's going to happen. They probably have. By the time this came out, you'll read a headline. Guy dies doing the crate

fucking milk crate challenge. Whatever. I'm just like, nah, he tweaking, dude, you know? I'm just like, nah, he tweaking. How about that shit on the Instagram that all of a sudden one day everyone was writing, nah, he tweaking. I posted a thing and it just, everyone, nah, he tweaking.

And I'm like, uh, did some really, really high level influencer tell people that I was, I wasn't tweaking and they're just disagreeing with them or not? He tweaked. And then I went on everybody's fucking post. Nah, he tweaked. Bro, shout out to whoever hacked the fuck out of the whole Instagram. And, and that was what they chose to do. Could have been rich. You know what I mean?

Guy, if you can hack whole Instagram and make it so 900 million people have, nah, he tweaked 900 million times under each one of their pictures, could have been rich. Could he used that to make your money instead chose to have everyone read? Nah, he tweaking. Hey, do the milk crate challenge.

Hey, host Jeopardy. Hey, marry an old guy and be on Real Housewives of Potomac. Because now you tweaking. Um, yeah, it's crazy, dude. Now he tweaking. Yeah, it's crazy, dude. Nah, he tweaked it. Join OnlyFans and only show you with sweaters and pants on. Dude, how about OnlyFans?

There's another fucking company I don't respect more. Any company. This is my impression of every company right here. This is my impression of every company. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Never mind. That of every company. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nevermind.

That's every company now. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We didn't realize you were going to get that pissed off at this. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nevermind. OnlyFans. Well, the bankers and the people who buy our, you know, who fund us are, they don't want nudity on OnlyFans anymore.

Now, here's the hacky joke, but I have to say it since this is this podcast and we talk about everything, but OnlyFans, that's what you do. That's like McDonald's getting rid of, this is hacky, but you got to say it. That's like McDonald's getting rid of cheeseburgers and fucking Coca-Colas. That's like McDonald's getting rid of cancer. That's like what they're doing. That's like fucking J.Crew getting rid of sweaters that only your dad would buy and your uncle.

J.Crew getting rid of fucking V-necks, V-neck cashmere, light green sweaters. That's what that is. That's like Canon getting rid of cameras. That's like what that's like, dude. Lenses. That's like a home builder not showing up one day and being like, why are you relying on me to build your house? That's what that is.

That's like fucking New Era saying, go bald. That's what that's saying. Sport your baldness. That's what that's like. That's like the MLB going, what bats? That's what that's like. That's like Kleenex saying, you know what's really cool? Blowing snot out all over your mouth and walking around town.

That's what that's like. That's like sock makers saying, hey, wear Tevis. That's what that's like. That's what that's like. That's like hairdressers saying, what? We love the caveman look. That's what that's like. That's what that's like. That's like hairdressers saying, What? We love the caveman look. That's what that's like.

That's what that's like. That's like politicians saying, Hey, trust us. That's what that's like. That's what that's like. That's like Radio Shack saying, we didn't exist only in the 80s and are still trying to do our thang.

That's what that's like. That's what that's like. That's like Trojan saying, splurtener. Have kids. That's what that's like. That's what that's like. That's what that's like. You know what I'm saying, dude?

That's like Smith and Wesson saying, build the swing shot. That's what that's like. Okay? That's what that's like. You understand? That's like you understand that's like home depot saying don't hire the mexicans outside of our place so what that's like okay so what that's like that's like oakley saying wear us even if you don't have chapped lips. That's what that's like.

That's what that's like. That's like fucking whoever makes those carnation shorts saying, hey, buy us even if your dad isn't a lawyer on Cape Cod. That's what that's like. Okay? That's what that's like. You understand what I'm saying? That's like the fucking guys who made the fucking, you know, dick trimmers.

What's the fucking dick, the pube trimmer shits? They used to fucking do our ads. What are those guys? That's like them saying, hey, we're not trying to be quirky and jump on a trend. That's what that's like. That's what's like meUndies saying, hey, no more patterns. That's like I got MeUndies with fucking soy sauce on it

and I don't mean I spelled it on it. I mean, that's the bread. That's like that's like okay? That's like me going to the gym, getting a membership at Equinox or 24 Hour Fitness and saying, you know what? I'm just going to work out my mouth and talk to everybody who's on the treadmill from now on. Swat that's like.

Swat that's like. That's like, that's like me being, that's like Kevin Costner shows up in a movie and halfway through he says to Whitney Houston, you know what? You'll take the bullets. And he drives home and goes to Shakey's. That's like, that's like Shakey saying go to McDonald's. That's like swat. That's like that's like shaky saying go to McDonald's swat Swat that's like You know I'm saying

It's like Twitter saying use parlor. It's like parlor saying use whatever the fucking new one that Trump is gonna make, you know? And it's like the new one that Trump's gonna make is like saying, it's like they're saying use Telegram, swat. Hey, what the fuck is Telegram, by the way? Is it texting or not? My buddy lost his mind, he's on Telegram. Anyone who loses their mind goes on Telegram. Telegram, What are you? Do telegram what are you I never know no matter how many people explained it to me

Oh, what do you want, dude? OnlyFans, dude. No. That's one of those things that I imagine somebody was just like, you know what? That idea is just so crazy, it might work. Dude.

It's like little Debbie saying, what's next? What's next? What's next? It's like Heinz saying, eat it dry. What's next? that's lie i mean what the fuck dude and then they were like never mind um only fans fucking sucks now I was on board with OnlyFans. I was signed up to Tyga's account. No, I wasn't.

I'm kidding, but that would be hilarious. I got to sign up to Tyga's account on OnlyFans. I got to get on OnlyFans and only show shots of me in jeans. That would be so ill, dude. Just me in jeans. I need an OnlyFans where I just promise you every week a new picture of me in only jeans, dude. I need a new app called OnlyJeans that you can sign up for and you put out you in only jeans. And we do not discriminate, dude.

We have Asians and whites and blacks and Indians and even people from Croatia with all with accounts. And they've got only jeans on men, women. It doesn't matter, dude. You could be a small person, a large person. You could be totally fucking. The only requirement we have is you only have jeans on and it's only jeans. You can't wear shit. And then another one, a sister app we need only blazers.

And that's all you wear, dude. Just blazers. And everyone has a gun. You can be a famous fucking person. You come out you just wear a blazer now that's where your dicks and pussies are out and that's fine but only jeans your dicks and your pussies are inside of your jeans but whatever's on your chest that shit's out dude only jeans and only blazers that doesn't only blazers doesn't really have a ring to it like only jeans, but fuck man, you can make a million dollars on only jeans. I'm sweating harder than I ever have dude in my life.

And it's the day we got the fucking air conditioning. I'm sweating harder than I ever have. Six years of jujitsu workout every day for the past seven years, and I'm sweating harder than I ever have in this moment, and that is un-fucking-believable because it is the day one fire came here and put the fucking air conditioning that he bought with my money in this fucking room and let me tell

you how much it sucks actually i'll ask you does it suck hell yes god damn dude i'd rather eat 40 pizzas in the last 30 days dude it's just pits fucking 30 days dude it's just pits fucking gushing but it is what it is dude you know better than being cold i'll tell you that much i'd rather be in 150 degree weather than uh 64 i don't like when people are like oh i prefer being cold because you could just put blankets on dude every chick that i've ever been with is all right i'd rather be cold than hot because you could always bundle up. And that's like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? No, give me heat, dude. Give me heat.

I take the shirt off, only jeans. I have only jeans on. I look banging because I work out and also sweat drips down my body like a fucking waterfall, dude. You're welcome. Dude, you're welcome. We have a good time on this podcast. We have a good time on this podcast. We have a good time on this podcast. We have a good time on this podcast.

Somebody told me to get Botox on my jaw because I have TMJ disorder. I went to the dentist to get a teeth cleaning and it was nice as shit, dude. The lady was good, dude. She cleaned my teeth up real nice, man. She was digging in shit. She was like, I'm getting the plaque. I'm getting the tartar off. And I'm like, hell yeah, dude. I love doing my job too. You seem passionate. She was just all in my mouth scraping shit it felt good i got up and i felt around my teeth and i was like did you put new teeth in kristin was on me she's like you got to get your teeth cleaned it's been like fucking a decade and a half and i was like dude i brush regularly she's like i'm sure it's going

to be a travesty in there dude guess, guess what they said? Wow, looks good. Can't believe you haven't been in here so long and you've got no cavities and barely any tartar. Dude, I win, dentist. That shit's a ruse. Only go to the dentist if you have a problem. Okay, get your teeth cleaned, sure. Every now and then I get it. It also feels very nice.

And maybe it puts you in a better mood. But don't let them trick you, dude. You need to go to the dentist every fucking six months My ass You could suck on a fucking muffler Every day of the week And still not have to go As long as you feel nice You could fucking shove three musketeers

And I don't even mean the candy bar I mean three musketeers in your mouth Every night for three hours As long as you feel okay Don't go to the dentist I mean three musketeers in your mouth every night for three hours. As long as you feel okay, don't go to the dentist. You know, people used to die from fucking bad, you know, teeth in like the 1600s. Because they had bad dentists. They just pull the fucking teeth out.

And your mouth would fucking gush more than my armpits right now but yeah dude uh my shit was fine dude my my my dentist came in the real one came in you know how there's always the first person there that cleans you up in the mouth and then the real one comes in which is like the most power move like you you you go through all the years of med school. Being a dentist. And then you go through dentist fucking specific programs. And then you open up your own practice. And then you're like okay. I'll come in at the end and just give the A-OK.

You do all the cleaning. That's so hardcore. I need to do that in comedy. I need to do that in a podcast. I need to have somebody fucking come here, do the topics that I said just so fucking as best they could, but not even close to as good because this is my podcast. How could anyone do the podcast you listen to because of the person

better than the person who does the podcast? You know? And I have them do it in the five minutes I come in here and I just kind of like, I go like, you know what? That was, that was good. That was cool. I would have changed this or that, but it's all good. Thanks.

Show up next week and congratulations by with Chris D'Elia, only it's with someone else. One time I was in school, I must've been in third grade and somebody tried to do this is all the inklings of me was, were there. Even in third grade, somebody said to me once, um, we were talking about drawing and my buddy said, and my buddy was saying like, I used to like drawing and I was pretty good at it. And somebody said, my friend's a better artist than you are. I said, really? And he said, yup. Cause it was me and Aristotle. We were the two guys who would draw well, me and Aristotle. Aristotle was way better than me. He really was. Um was um as a matter of fact i think he grew up to be like a fucking architect or something we got to draw real like crazy shading and shit um anyway uh somebody was

trying to get at me and they were like they were trying to like you know make you know make me take me down a few notches and they were, I know a guy that goes to a different school and he draws fucking way better than you. And I went bullshit. No, he doesn't. And he said, yeah, he does. He could draw Bart Simpson better than the guy who draws Bart Simpson.

And I was like, dude, I may be in third grade, but you lost me. Do you know why? Nobody can draw something better than a person who created the thing. And I sat in that as a third grader, I sat in that knowing. I sat happy as a third grader. I sat in that knowing. I sat happy as a third grader in the point that I made that I knew was correct. And even though they were trying to get

at me and take me down a few notches with this real or fictitious character that they said could draw better than me, I knew they lost the argument once they said that. Once they said my friend could draw Bart Simpson better than the person who draws Bart Simpson. First of all, you don't even know Matt Groening's name. Second of all, I sat back and I relaxed because I just fucking laughed and I knew it was right. I knew I was right. How can you draw something better than somebody? And I still, to this day, to this day, I still feel how I felt back then when that person said that I can access that emotion.

And that's what makes me a good actor. I'm a good actor too. Did you know that? You think I'm not? You think I'm not? Arr, I'm a pirate. You think I'm not? Well then, matey, why can I do this?

Arr, walk the plank. Okay. So careful what you're thinking. But yeah, dude, it's all good. We got merch that is out. We got the go medium and sometimes stay out. And we got the be more memorable We got merch fucking

Flying off the shelves get it while it lasts We keep having to re-up and we're pretty soon We're just not gonna anymore all the Hot pink life rips are gone Dude and I'm not reordering them there's still Some green acto cool Shit going on and There's some other ones too like the life rips the og life rips

we keep those in stock because those those uh we love those those are the og ones and then the sweatpants it's fall coming up anyway go to chrisalia.com and sift around and don't forget to follow us on flex avenue on twitch we uh play games and we fucking just chat. We have a good time. My life is Zed TV, basically, babies. So that's the end of the episode on YouTube. And to catch the rest of the episode, and I'm talking about the uncut episode, head on over to our Patreon at patreon.com slash Chris

D'Elia. And, you know, every month we have an extra episode of Congratulations that is not seen on YouTube. So you get that. You get, there's another segment we do that's completely separate from congratulations called review mode where I review shit, uh, that

needs to be reviewed. And there's also a behind the scenes stuff and some other thing. We do polls, we talk, we chat. There's a discord where we do watch alongs with it's funny shit. So, uh, patreon.com slash crystalia, go on over and check it out.

And, uh, if you do, thanks. If you don't, thanks also. And keep supporting. Like and subscribe and leave comments. Don't forget to make friends in those comments. And we love you. Congratulations. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations motherfucking Bob! You scared the fuck out of me! This... Disgusting.