Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 208. Guy In The Way

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord stuff & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris discusses why everyone rich and powerful is an asshole. He also talks about brain scans, Donda, how he sings different and his night out with friends, once he got past all the guys in his way. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Everybody, this is Congratulations. Yes, we did it. Yes, we did it. Yes, we did it. It's 200-something episode. I never know because sometimes I just do episodes and then we just find out what episode they're going to be later and that's what this is that's what this is um strong guys I took a break haven't worked out in the past few

days because my um my hip hurt a little bit and I'm an alarmist so I was walking around the house saying I fractured my hip and then uh Kristen was like you didn't fracture your hip and I was like fractured my hip and then uh kristin was like you didn't fracture your hip and i was like how do you know you're a doctor she was like no but you didn't fracture your hip because you wouldn't be able to walk so i googled it and she's right

it's very very very unlikely you could walk if you fractured a hip uh but turns out that if you're over the age of 50 and you fracture your hip, you have a 20% chance of dying. Yay. Didn't know that. Didn't mean to start out the podcast on such a sad note, but it's true, dude. Why? Because of things like sepsis and sepsis. And I pretty much know so much stuff now. I'll forget that in a week. I don't really retain info at all. Like I was just reading about robotics and, or sorry, watching a video about robotics and forgot about it immediately. I saw it about 10 minutes ago and I literally was watching a video thinking, whoa, I should remember that.

And I already forgot it. So there's no hope and it's all good. I can't retain shit. All right, dude. I got friends who can retain it's all good. I can't retain shit. All right, dude, I got friends who can retain shit all the time. Got a bad memory, can't retain shit and my hip is fractured. So it's all good. But yeah, dude, you get older and you get older and as you're getting older, your shit starts hurting and it hurts everywhere. I got my hip, my back, my jaw and a little fucking gas bubble in my tummy that won't really go away. And I can't remember anything.

And I'm only 41, dude. So my buddy and I used to do a joke about we used to stop to each other so far. We used to be talking in a conversation and then I would be like, hey, man, I've been lying to you the whole time. I'm actually 48. And he would be like, what, dude? Oh, my God. Why would you lie?

And I said, I know. I wanted you to like me. I don't know. I just, I'm 48 years old, and I thought it was cool if I was 30. And we would laugh so hard. Stupid jokes with your friends are the shit. If you don't have stupid jokes with your friends, that friendship ain't shit. If you don't have, if you don't secretly hate your with your friends that friendship ain't shit if you don't have if you don't secretly hate your friends too friendship ain't shit um so yeah it's all good

dude um and don't forget dude to uh wine and dine that like button if you're a fan of this video really helps if you subscribe but don't just subscribe take the subscription button out on a date you know what i mean and uh offer to take it on a day date. Be nice. Be a gentleman about it. Go to a matinee with that bell notification button. I feel like when I do these, when I talk about these, they kind of get lost and people go, ha, ha, ha. And don't click the shits. But click the shits.

Click the shits, my babies. But, yeah, we're rolling. We're rolling on. You know, and I'm rolling on my dolo, dude. A lot of people claim to be fucking, you know, the best podcast or on my dolo, dude. A lot of people claim to be fucking, you know, the best podcast or the wild and out most wild and out podcast. And this is the best, most wild and out podcast. So, um, you know, congratulations, dude. It's congratulations. That's what it is. Um, you know, we Twitch on stream on Mondays, flex Avenue, go out and get your merch. You can go get that go medium or sometimes stay out

I was chilling And somebody drove by me the other day And he said hey man don't forget to go medium And I go alright That's the end of that story it was bad but it was short It's okay to tell a bad story as long as it's short Okay I was out to eat

At a restaurant last night With a bunch of friends. And there were like nine or ten of us. And it was at this place called Aroma on Sunset. And it is unbelievably, first of all, it's a place where you can get food. Food isn't bad. Always drove by this place. Brighter than shit.

Brighter than shit. Okay? Restaurants that are brighter than shit, you know, lower the level a little bit, right? You don't need restaurants to be brighter than shit. Brighter than shit. Okay? Restaurants that are brighter than shit, you know, lower the level a little bit, right? You don't need restaurants to be brighter than shit. Make it a little bit nice. Make it have some ambiance. Unless it's a diner. If it's a diner, brighter than shit, kind of the charm.

Okay? But a restaurant brighter than shit? No. Also, they had the heat lamps on. Also, it's August in LA. Also was sweating. Took off my sweatshirt. Okay? Ate a Santa Fe spicy chicken wrap. First bite. heat lamps on. Also, it's August in LA. Also was sweating. Took off my sweatshirt. Okay.

Ate a Santa Fe spicy chicken wrap. First bite. Squirted out onto my t-shirt. So back goes on the sweatshirt. Sweatshirt was back on. Stain was underneath. Hotter than shit, but still looking nice. Fashion is pain. Um, so I was there with a bunch of friends

and dude, this guy, first first of all it's the loudest fucking place dude everybody there has this face on it's super la and everyone there has that face on and uh nobody's having fun everybody has work done there uh they all got faces that look like aliens and it's the only place open in la now for some reason la closes it shuts down i guess it's because the pandemic or whatever the fuck People are hurting financially, I don't know what it is They don't have the servers that are fucking doing the shit Late at night, I don't know what it is, but this place, Aroma

Was the only place that was open, so we went And they play the music too loud Yay! They play the music too loud, they play the music too loud And it's too bright, yay! And they keep the heat lamps on in August, yay! Dude, and it's a restaurant And they also have a guy Dude, they have keep the heat lamps on in August, yay, dude, and it's a restaurant, and they also have a guy, dude, they have a hookah, they have hookahs, dude, yay, it's the most annoying

place in the planet, yay, it's too hot, too loud, too bright, and smelly, yay, dude, you can get a Santa Fe wrap, eat it, you can get a Santa Fe wrap, eat it. And then you can say, Hey, why are those guys smoking hookahs? And then you go and the guy says, would you like to smoke a hookah? And you don't say yes, but the people you're with say yes, because they want to smoke a hookah. And so they say, let me get the hookah guy. They have their own hookah guy at the restaurant. Yay. Yay. Did they have their own hookah guy at the restaurant? Dude, hookah places are hookah places. Restaurants should be restaurants. Don't fuse the hookah place with the restaurant. And, hookah places are hookah places. Restaurants should be restaurants. Don't fuse the hookah place with the restaurant. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because when I eat a spicy, sanified chicken wrap, I don't want vape smoke in my face. All right?

Ruins the whole vibe. Ruins the whole vibe, dude. Ruins the whole vibe. It's also one of those places where they ask you what you want to eat. And then you tell them what you want to and they say are you going to want dessert and you say in your head well how the fuck do i know if i want dessert or not because i didn't even eat my centipede chicken spicy wrap yet and then they say well we need to know ahead of time because the dessert takes 25 minutes to make don't pull that shit on me man make a bunch dude make bunch. Make a bunch and I'll order them later. Okay. When somebody says that's a cuda, that's the cuda shit, dude. When you fall for that, well, it takes us 25 minutes to make it. You go, oh, yes, I'll try the fucking chocolate lava. It's always a chocolate lava thing. It's never anything but a chocolate lava. I don't know what it is. They have to like

make it and put the lava in it. And they go, yeah. And one of them, and two of, two of my homies there were like, yeah, we'll get it. So two of them got it and it came and I didn't, I said, no, I don't want to, I don't want to, how am I going to know I got to want it? It's going to take 25 minutes if I want it, then I'll just won't get it then dude. If you want me to play the game, dude, I'm out. How about that? Okay. I'm out. I'll be an audience member in this game and I'm fine with that. I'm the guy screaming, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies. I'm not the guy doing it, and I'm fine with that. When that cake came, my buddy came, my buddy had it,

and I asked to try it, and I tried it once, and I ate it, and I only did one bite with the scoop with the ice cream in it, and it was so fucking good, I wish I got it. So you live and you learn, dude. You live and you learn, but it was too loud loud and it was fucking bright as shit and smelly dude the hookah shit has just gotta go what is it what is it dude my buddy was doing it like this i was like dude you look like you're sucking a dick and then he was going like this while he was smoking on it dude and we were laughing so fucking hard he was smoking on it, dude, and we were laughing so fucking hard. He was just like, you know what I mean? So immature.

He's 37. So, yeah, man. But it was hot as shit, dude. But sometimes you just fucking go out and you have fun with the fellas, man. It was like old times. It was like no COVID pre-fucking, pre-COVID, pre-everything, man. And it was fun, man. And that's all I have to say about that. And that was a long story.

There was a bad short one and then a long one that was fine. Um, so yeah, I, I, I don't know, dude. I like, uh, I like, I like those hangs, man. I love fucking hanging. You ever talk about, you ever think about like, you know, some guys like to stay home and I like to stay home sometimes, but I haven't hung out in the past like year and a half because of the pandemic and everything. And like, you know, shit has gone just everything shut down. Now things are kind of back, but not totally. And I went to hang out, I guess last night, really, if I'm being honest was my first real hardcore hang dude. And by that, I mean, I went to two places, you know what i mean

i wound up at the diner or the whatever the fucking the restaurant is you know it wasn't just we went to the restaurant you know sometimes we go to a restaurant and christian's like let's go out to another place and i'm just like oh i'm tired but i forced myself and i did it and it was fun dude i suggest it man i walked into the place um and when i walked into the place And when I walked into the place There was like one of the First of all there's a rope thing Like a rope like you can't get in Like so I'm like okay

So I walk around the rope And I walk up to the stairs I got my mask on And the guy's like And I wave to the security guy I guess And I go to Cause my buddy's already there sitting down And he goes like this

Yo yo yo where you going And I'm to, cause my buddy's already there sitting down and he goes like this, yo, yo, yo, where are you going? Where are you going? And I'm like, oh dude, I'm going to grab the table that my buddy's at. And he's like, no, no, no, that ain't how it works, man. And I'm like, what? And he was like, hold up, hold up. And I'm like, okay, my buddy's over there. And he's like, where, what's going on? And I'm like, dude, I don't understand what's going on or what the issue is, but my buddy has seats for us at the table over there. And the guy goes like this. All right, man.

Shorten it up. What's this guy doing? I fucking can't stand jobs that aren't jobs. That just took longer. There's just a guy now in my way? His job is just guy in the way? Dude, how are you just, that's your job. Hey, what are you?

Oh, I'm a fucking, I make fucking choo-choo trains. Oh, what do you do? I'm a banker. What do you do? Oh, I'm guy. I'm standing around guy. I'm also known as guy in the way. These fucking jobs, dude. It's like Hollywood when they make those movies about fucking, uh,

uh, about a guy like who doesn't, it's like a job that doesn't exist. Like that movie Hitch. It's like, what is this guy? Oh, this guy's going to help you find B he's going to, I'm Will Smith and I'll make you fall in love. I'll make you find your soulmate. Oh, that's not a job, dude. It's certainly not a job by a handsome black man. That's a fucking old 72 year old woman that like has way too much jewelry on and like

those funky Annie Potts and Ghostbusters fucking glasses. And she's just like, I see, don't worry. I got you, sweetheart. I got you. You got fucking Will Smith, handsome as shit, 40 years old, in a movie called Hitch? About trying to find a soulmate? Dude, what the fuck?

It's not a job. Hey, Hollywood, don't make a movie about a fucking guy who has a job that's not a job. It'll be some movie called like the fucking, the wedding trucker or some shit. And it's just like, yeah, I bring trucks to a wedding. It's like one guy, he brings trucks to a wedding. Fucking that guy from King of Queens is just like, anybody order a truck? Falling in love.

What do you want? This summer, fall in love all over again wedding trucker and fucking what's his name's in it that guy who's in that uh the the fucking dude who is in the cinderella movie dancing all around playing the fucking ah fucking who cares dude billy morton maybe his name is i don't fucking know dude it doesn't matter dude it doesn't you know it doesn't matter but what was i talking about the the jobs that are on job so dude it's like what is this shit like dude another one of those jobs is like segment producer dude when you do a fucking i've talked about this on the podcast but when you do stand up

for a like a show like a late show or a show, there's a guy that comes out and like, is like, well, let's see what bits you're going to be doing for the tonight show. And you're just like, huh? I'm the comedian. Yeah. But I want to see what'll work with the show, dude. No, no. You know, I got it. I do this.

You're a guy in the way. You're guy standing around saying, whoa, whoa, whoa, when you don't need to, dude. Move, move. Let me sit. Hey, what are you, the fucking sit-down police? Whoa, what's going on here? I'm sitting my fucking ass down why because i want to give this establishment money and they pay you yeah likely story what do you think what do you think

i'm a fucking cia agent trying to like do like conduct some sort of sting over here on this fucking cafe on Sunset Boulevard? We were there and all of a sudden, like the music was so loud. The pinnacle of the night was the music was so loud. The shit squirted on my sweater. It was 95 degrees. The heat was on in the summer in August in LA. And all of a sudden in the parking lot, first of of all I pull up to the valet dude I'm like hey can I park it myself and he was like nah and I was like yeah no and he was like nah it's only valet and I'm like can can I just can I leave it here and he was like yeah yeah sure go ahead

get out here give me the key and I'm like nah you don't get it man can I park the fucking car you know i didn't say that but that's how i thought and i was nice right plus i had a mask on so he couldn't see shit and he was like uh nah you can't and i'm just like guy in the way dude two guys in the way i gotta give my car over to some guy and then i got a fucking guy in the stairs. Hey, everybody move. Right. Okay. So I get there and he wouldn't let me park my own car. So I parked on the fucking street and then, uh, and then we're there. And I squirted the shit on my, the Santa Fe trick, trick Santa Fe chicken wrap squirted

like it busted a nut right on my shit. Came out like Tabasco sauce right on my shit. Put the sweater on. Now it's 96 fucking degrees. I got a sweater on. out like Tabasco sauce right on my shit. Put the sweater on. Now it's 96 fucking degrees.

I got a sweater on. The music is onsen so loud and the fucking hookah is blowing, doing it like the fucking the old Daffy Duck cartoons where it's under my, under my, where the smoke turns into a hand and says, come here. But I'm, instead of fucking going with it, I'm like, ew, bro, I'm not fucking doing the hookah. What am I fucking? I'm not Persian. I'm a white guy, right?

Or a chilled out black guy that sits like this those dudes love hookahs right with a pack with a pack on over the side that like with a purse on over his chest um and so uh so i'm sitting there and all the shit's going on. And then I hear the loudest fucking rev engine I've ever heard in my life. Right next to me in the valet parking lot. And it's just. And not just that. Just again. And it's a fucking. I look over my shoulder.

It's a Dodge Intrepid. Of course, dude. Let me look it up and make sure it was a Dodge Intrepid. It was a it's a Dodge Intrepid. Of course, dude. Let me look it up and make sure it was a Dodge Intrepid. It was a Dodge, dude. I'll tell you that much, dude. Don't. How about this? Don't rev any Dodge.

Look at the way I spelled it. Like a fucking idiot. It wasn't an Intrepid, of course. Dodge Charger. Charger. I just like the fucking Intrepid an intrepid of course dodge charger charger i just like the fucking intrepid intrepid dude the dodge charger is it was what it was and he goes and he pulls out of the valet dude and they pull out of the street onto the street onto sunset boulevard and he goes to take a left but then he goes and he goes and it spins around

like Vin Diesel and shit. And then he ends up all the way to his face the other way. And then it goes and then drives it like he took a left to take a right, like a piece of shit, dude. It was so loud. And it was so funny because somebody said, oh, what if he didn't do that on purpose? One of the guys at the table was like, what if he just fucking meant to take a left and just spun out i mean and i and i was like yeah dude and he fucking had to keep going to save face and his girl was in the car and his

girl was like no honey what the fuck we live over the other way dude and we were laughing dude we had a good time man and then my buddy said oh this place sucks and we started laughing so fucking hard, dude. Comedy in fucking pain. I, um, anyway, that's my night, dude, at that fucking place. Who cares, man? Who cares? I love you, dude. I love you guys. I love when you listen.

And I love when you chill, dude. And I love that you're with me, dude, on this podcast. And this is a cult, dude. This is not a podcast. This is a cult. You are a cult member, you know a podcast this is a cult you are a cult member you know and i'm a member too dude but i'm the guy who you know is like let's go and you guys are like okay you know and we all wear the same shit dude i'm just cannot wait till we get

to that fucking high grass dude i cannot wait till we get to the high grass and do hymns and shit that i sing along you know that i kind of make up but like i make up as i go i don't do the shit like there's no books we got to read that's for sure like i'll do that and you'll just try to do it too and you know and it's just it's a good time dude And we're just in high grass that they should cut. It's itching the shit out of our abdomens. Yeah, dude. You know? Flowy dressings. Having a good time, man.

Yeah. Got to get that log cabin. With air. With air conditioning. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout?

Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy a room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. No music. No music. I saw this thing on Instagram today. It was like, yo, what's it going to be? You got to play Michael Jordan one-on-one, and you got to score one point, and you'll get $5 million, or you'll never listen to music again. Would you take it? And I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. I'm trying to fucking eek music out of my life.

I swear to God, dude, I was watching a wedding video today. Tears cascading. Tears cascading, dude. Kristen was like, watch this. Tears cascading, dude. Kristen was like, watch this. Tears cascading. All right? It was like fucking some viral wedding video that was like really good or something. And the guy was just like, my grandma died and she wanted me to marry this girl.

And she was like, what are you doing? Shit it or get off the pot. wanted me to marry this girl and she was like what are you doing shit it or get off the pot and so we put a chair out for that for my grandma even though she's not alive she has a chair for the wedding and then he was like crying looking in his fiance's eyes or his wife's eyes and i just fucking tears welled the fuck up dude um so yeah and i cried, so I cry all the time, a lot of these doors have opened up, you know, do a lot of therapy, and all this shit, I try to listen to more music now, Kristen is like, you should listen to more music, and I'm just like, dude, I'd rather just listen to fucking some shit, you know that rocks some shit by like you know

Nas or or or fucking Kumo D or like David Banner rather than some shit that's just gonna make me even 80s nostalgic shit is like now crushing me dude like all the walls are down dude I'm in therapy talking about all of my feelings and I wasn't before all this and now I'm talking about all my feelings and some fucking bullshit song will come on and it just remind me of being a kid and like i'll be like fuck man my dad's got limited time left and so does my mom just because fucking we built this city came on on the radio and me not even fucking warmed up imagine when i did some you know what i mean may oh may oh may oh may oh may imagine i know i did this a few podcasts ago but imagine you know oh and then we built this city

That's fucking with two warmings up We built this city You go down sometimes, right? Because people want to always do the regular notes People always want to sing along and be like We built this city on rock and roll i'm not that guy dude rock and roll i'm fucking rock and roll i'm that guy dude i go all sorts of shit i do runs anyway it's not important you know My point is fucking NPR sucks.

The air conditioner was built and the reason why is because movie theaters, there was a boom. Shut up, dude. Shut up. People wanted to go to the movie theaters because there was a crisis and a heat wave and the air conditioner was built. Dude, shut the fuck up. Let's have a silly goose time dude let's not stop learning about dude when people are like well you you don't learn about history you're doomed to repeat it oh you know dude all right well we're doomed to

repeat it anyway man the shit keeps happening like shit was better in the 60s it was the same everyone was fighting each other there was like five years where everyone was just fucking in the 70s and besides that everything's pretty much been the same everyone was just naked just fucking in the 70s it was like four or five years besides that everyone's kind of been dying um so yeah there's this guy dude i saw this clip on tiktok i'm on tiktok because i you know what i mean because your boy you know why you know why my viral fucking game just goes dummy hard my viral game goes fucking jesus christ dude my viral game is so crazy mattel approached me they go can we i say stop right there not interested

so i'm watching this fucking thing it's called first of all he's called the the the brain doctor or something hey first of all don't be a doctor on tikt okay? Don't be a doctor on TikTok, dude. You know? Like, I have a general physician I go to. I'm like, man, I got a fucking, you know. I think I got a, whenever I got a fissure in my butt or something, man, and he's just like, let me give you some pills. If that guy was on TikTok, I'd keep the fissure and never go see him. I'll just bleed when i go

fissures are you know with that stupid fucking tiktok music behind it so take so here you know air conditioners were built because of a heat wave and this guy talking about so he's a brain doctor and his shit is doc a man doc daniel g amen md and this is what he said on who wants to date his kids they have to get their brain scanned youngest is 16 okay and she starts dating michael and i love michael michael's a good boy but in my mind they're really not dating until i see his brain a It's a cavalier. First of all, what? Second of all,

huh. How you mean, man? You opening up his head? You x-raying his cranium? What you talking about, doc? Let's see. I mean, so cavalier. In my mind, they're not dating until i can see his brain and when michael was 12 his mother killed herself okay well so his daughter's dating this

guy who he wants to scan his brain. And also the kid's mom killed himself when he was 12. Sinvasive. But would be sinvasive even if his mom didn't kill him. But whatever. Let's keep going. And he found her. And I'm like, no, I need to know.

And he's such a good kid. Scanned his brain. It was busy, and he had struggled with anxiety. And on the things that I recommended for him, he's just done so much better. Amazing. And now. that's an agrenade hey dude don't scan anyone's brain

at home leave it to your fucking what do you call them? Patience Oh so you want to date my daughter huh? Sit in this chair Dude I imagine like the clockwork orange thing

Where the guys fucking Had the two sugar cubes Fucking in between the toothpick Holding his eyes open just like Just showing him atomic bombs And lizards just really quickly like just showing him atomic bombs and lizards just really quickly just other eyes and atomic bombs and lizards and a fucking building imploding and then it ends and he's just like okay have fun at the cinema be home by 9 30

he like refers people to us and yeah, you brainwashed him, dude. You scanned his brain. My kids, I scan the brain of his partner and I'm like, please don't marry her because it was not good. It was not healthy. And it turned out she had an addiction issue that he didn't know about, but he didn't listen to me, and that was trouble. You know, this doctor is dealing with the things that aren't even the problem. The problem is addiction. Work on that. You can't control your...

Dude, I'm Dr. Phil, man. Am I Dr. Phil? Hey, hold on a second, dude. Let me check the... Oh, I'm still Chris D'Elia, but I'm Dr. Phil to this dude. If I'm Dr. Phil to you and you're a doctor, then dude, guess what?

You're doing it wrong. I flipped into Dr. Phil mode because you fucked up so much, doc. You could scan a... Dude, how about dealing with the addiction, dude? I flipped into Dr. Phil mode because you fucked up so much, doc. You could scan a brain. Dude, how about dealing with the addiction, dude? Hey, don't, don't. What about letting your kids fucking make the... Find out yourself, you know?

Your heart gets broken, you grow up. Yeah, remember the fucking, yeah, I dated this one person. Yeah, it was tough, man. But you know what? Now I know a little better. Isn't that fucked? Whoops. Isn't that fucked, dude?

How weird. Imagine Calvin coming home. Hey, I like this chick. Let me scan her brain, Cal. Aren't you a comedian? It's so weird dude people are so weird and people with fucking uh like when a doctor is you know it's like oh god doctors do so many drugs you know that right because they have to do it they're so mad they're so on like pills. Got to stay up late and they got to see fucking babies dying and shit. Dude, it's horrible to be a doctor.

I mean, it's great what you're doing, but the shit you see, bro, I'd be popping so much fucking just crazy. I'd be snorting Pepto-Bismol. No tummy aches if I'm a doctor. How about when the fucking, did you see the thing about, I just love this, uh, headline, James Corden dresses as a mouse and thrusts at drivers to promote new special, the only thing, I mean, dude, this is on the independent, first of all, the movie Cinderella, and, uh, James Corden is dressed like a fucking mouse dancing in the middle of the street. Uh, James Corden has been spotted dressed as a mouse and thrusting at

drivers in Los Angeles to promote his new special. Why, first of all, why is this okay? mouse and thrusting at drivers in Los Angeles to promote his new special. First of all, why is this okay? You're stopping traffic and you're thrusting your cock and you're dressed like a big mouse. Camera footage recorded by a Twitter user, blah, blah, blah. Oh, Billy Porter. I was

right. That's the guy's name. Idina Menzel, otherwise known as Adele Dazeem, the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem singing Jennifer Lopez's Let's Get Loud in the middle of LA traffic who wants to be in these fucking movies is what I want to know

I read a fucking cast the other day and I was like oh man dude these fucking people in a movie it's like all the people they get it's like I don't even recognize half the names anymore

it's like somebody's a TikTok star and the other guy has an OnlyFans and then there's another dude it's like all the people they get it's like i don't even recognize half the names anymore it's like somebody's a tiktok star and the other guy has an only fans and then there's another dude that's like it's just like dude what is going on with these movies they're just cinderella dude it's just they're pumped they just want your money and it's fine dude but don't be tricked man cinderella what does let's get loud have to do with cinderella in the footage cordon approaches the driver's side of the car and sinks through the window before thrusting repeatedly at the vehicle cordon is one of the stars and producers of cinderella which arrives on amazon prime next month it stars cabello in the classic fairy tale i don't just why is this even news who even cares gordon's presence cordon's presence in the film draws a mixed response upon the release dude everything if you're not i'll tell you what if you're not getting a mixed response

people are lying to you i I couldn't believe it. My fucking Brendan Shaw saved somebody's life and I was looking at somebody or like save these kids from like looking at their dead mom in a crazy battered car crash. And people were just like, bro, okay, he did that. But like, nah. And you're just like, bro, what the fuck?

So what, now what? All right, you know what? I'll stick to my lonely. I'll stick to my business, dude. It's like this fucking, what do you call it? This jumping down everybody's throat, dude. Fucking on second thought, let James Corden jump around in a fucking rat outfit.

Who cares, man? everybody's throat dude fucking on second thought let james corden jump around in a fucking rat outfit who cares man just don't scan your daughter's brain donda fucking i saw that thing a little bit and it's just like dude i don't you know what it is dude i don't get art that's it i'm out i don't get art never got art but now i don't get art now i really don't get art when the guys started making those big ass fucking balloon animals that was when i was like what the fuck now i don't get it completely art basil or whatever the fuck i don't get it dude i don't get it some guy tried to fucking sell nothing right and now you got uh donda and the guys are just running around driving around in suvs slowly and three guys are hanging near a house and everyone's

just sitting watching this shit they're not even performing it kanye has a mat they all got hoods on and shit you don't even know if it's kanye it could be the guy who pumps gas down the street and he's just doing this shit and And it's Kanye just rapping shit like, I thought about killing myself. I thought about killing myself. I thought about killing myself. And the baby was there, I guess? They were all jogging and shit.

Everyone was dressed in the bulletproof. What's up with fucking bulletproof vests, dude? With the rappers with the bulletproof vests? Just like never know when you're gonna get shot dude there's been like three rappers that got shot you know what's way more dangerous than being a rapper being a regular person they don't have security just fucking jogging around everyone was jogging around and couldn't see their face could barely breathe with their 40 pound bulletproof vests on dude i saw some people on their hands on their knees and shit just tired you know kaya was like no matter what don't stop

running some of them were just out of shape just like no i got this and just like hands on their fuck man i didn't know his album was so long the last one was only like 44 minutes donda sorry guys had to go to the bathroom a little bit um um dude how about this thing that happened this past week which which is absolutely fucking insane these headlines are just some of them are clickbait but like this one is not when i read this article it's on newsweek man throw man throws his penis out of car while fleeing police says he cut it off to save the world first of all imagine if that worked like i just keep like like imagine the police are fucking chasing after him and then all of a sudden they pull him over and much to this guy's chagrin that

they were like you know we're glad you ran out of gas because we're trying to stop you to thank you dude we didn't know what the fuck was going on your penis flew out of the window but we were gonna arrest you until we actually realized it helped us find the leader of bin laden and cure world hunger so dude imagine while he was driving first of all dude nascar sign him up i can't like texting and driving is hard enough but cutting your dick off slicing off your dick while doing sandy that's two hands shit tax you could do with one and drive that's two hand shit dude he's driving with one hand i was like this i'm fucking the world gotta save the fucking world imagine the dude gotta save the fucking world fuck it dude starts driving with his knees his dick gets pushed up because his knees are together grabs a what knife i guess he's driving with a knife yanks it up slices it off

i like to imagine he has one of those fucking rolly windows fucking tossing it out and imagine the police just do you imagine the police what the fuck is that imagine it fucking wound up dude time's gonna go on for i'd say something i like to imagine time eventually everything's gonna be done right because just time's gonna just keep going like like like somebody out there has said for real oh my god the monkey ate all of our underwear like that's happened there's been too many people too many monkey and too many underwears that somebody said that sentence some at some point right and the cutting off dick thing has already happened tons of times you think this is the first guy that ever cut his dick off and threw it out the window it's not i got news for you it's not

i got news for you if you think that you I got news for you. If you think that, you live with rose-tinted glasses because watch out for them dicks flying out them cars because it happens. It's happened before many times. This guy's not the first. He might have been the first one to do it and save the world. Turns out he wasn't because this happened on 8-28 and it's past that now and Al-Qaeda is still at large, right?

But there will be the time. There will absolutely be the time where a guy's being chased just because time just keeps happening. A guy's being chased, he'll cut off his dick, throw it out the window, and it will fly in somebody's mouth. It will happen. And all I'm saying is, I can't wait for that, dude.

Because technically, everything happens as time keeps going. Unless the world, you know, some big-ass bomb or these big-ass aliens come to fucking... Right?

Oh, no! Imagine, dude. Whoop-whoo! Where these big ass aliens come to fucking. Right? Oh no. Imagine dude. Flips over like one of those fucking old shows. With Eric Roberts. A movie with Eric Roberts. Or any movie that has fucking car chases. Some Gene Hackman shit. What's that?

French Connection? Where they take the fucking. You know? That one bitch-ass cop? Bro, if I'm a cop and you give me the undercover car, nah, I don't want that bitch-ass siren that goes up. Like... Oh, there he is.

Dude, fuck our cover. Boo! You know what I mean? Dude, I want the straight-across fucking one. I one I want the straight across sirens that go blue and red I don't want that bitch ass little just red Portable one You gotta bring it to I want when you get fired from the force

I'm gonna need your badge Your gun Your side piece and your bitch ass fucking I need your bitch ass siren I need your bitch-ass siren. Hand over your bitch-ass siren. On the desk, just Tennessee man had an unorthodox and no doubt a

painful response to being pursued by police on Wednesday morning. Tyson Gilbert, 39, of Cookville, Tennessee, reportedly cut off his penis and threw it out the window of his Honda Accord. Of course he had a Honda Accord, no doubt. Nobody's throwing their fucking dick out of Bentley while fleeing officers. Or like an Acura Integra would be the number one. You know? With a fucking spoiler on it. The chase began... Man, in high school there were so many Acura Integras when I was a kid, dude.

All the Asians had them, man. They just fucking ruled with those Acura Integras. The chase began when police found him and they all had fucking girls. They all had their girlfriend dangling from the. I stand by this and I always say this fucking Asians either have their significant other, a picture of their significant other dangling from the rear view mirror or a picture of them standing outside of their car in their wallet. I fucking stand by that, dude. I love making up shit that's not real,

that is secretly real, dude. I guarantee you a high percentage for real is like that, dude. The chase began when police found him parked partially in the way of traffic on Highway 70 near the town of Doweltown. Speaking to radio station WLJE, Tennessee Highway Patrol THP trooper Bobby Johnson, said that the man took off

when officers initially tried to signal him with their lights. Officers ultimately ended up pursuing Gilbert across two counties from blah, blah, blah, somewhere along the way. He managed to cut off his own penis. Dude, wow. It sucks, man. It's just sad that, like, people, like,

are so mentally not well. You know? Like, it really is. Like, let's get actually real for a second. Like, dude. Oh, God. Like, being so crazy that you're going to go through that much pain to cut off your penis, to think that you're doing it for the greater good. Like imagine the whole world watching that guy do it.

They'd all be screaming, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And he's just like, no, I got to do it they'd all be screaming no no no no no no no no and he's just like no i gotta do it for y'all it's like dude just take citalopram just take 40 40 milligrams of citalopram instead of cutting your dick off nah man i don't know what they put in that shit oh everyone thinks that the government Is trying to fucking chip everyone I don't know Chip me man Hey government know where I am all the time

It's all good Know where I am? My house Know where I am? The coffee bean Know where I am? Either my house or the coffee bean Hey government I love that dude It's always the guy screaming, no, no way, dude.

I'm not letting the government know where the fuck I am. What do you do? I'm a stay-at-home dad. They know where you are. They know where you are, chip or not. Your friends know where you are. You think the government doesn't? I'm fucking... People are mad at the wrong shit. The government doesn't. Fucking.

People are mad at the wrong shit. Like people think that Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos trying to take over the world. Bro, how about the fact that they're just probably. Anybody with that much money is an absolute insane person. You've fucked so many people over. You don't get 700 quadrillion dollars without being a piece of shit to people. You don't get $700 quadrillion without being a piece of shit to people. You don't. You don't.

You have to be a certain type of person to be a Jeff Bezos, to be a fucking whatever his name was, Bill Gates, to be that guy. Even what's his name? Everyone who liked the Apple guy. What's his fucking name? Steve Jobs. Everyone fucking loved him. Dude, you don't get that much money

and you're not that successful unless you are a complete asshole. You are a complete asshole. You cannot be as successful as The Rock without being a complete asshole. That's on my mom and that's on God, dude. Every president, a complete asshole. That's on my mom and that's on God, dude.

Every president, a complete asshole, dude. I don't care who it is. It's so annoying when people are like, well, this president lies and that president... What about the fact that they're all complete assholes? Dude, what kind of asshole do you have to be to think, oh, I can run this country. I don't care how much school you went to.

I don't care how much money you have. I don't care how good looking you are, how much of a great family member you are. I don't care what you've done for the world. If you think, oh, I can rule America, you are a complete asshole. Trump, Biden, Obama, assholes, all of them, dude. They ran the country, Grover Cleveland, asshole. George Washington. George Washington may be the only not asshole. Because he was the first one. He's like, okay, I'll do it. Maybe not. Maybe not.

But probably asshole. Then immediately after him, there's no way John Adams wasn't an asshole. Because he was just like, oh, I'll do it. He did. Asshole, dude. All those motherfuckers. Polk even. And I don't even really know his first name dude asshole Abe Lincoln asshole they're all assholes if you think you can run the country you're

an asshole you asked me to be the president I go like this no no no way dude you sure yes and i am an asshole imagine the kind of asshole you have to be to be the president straight the fuck up you it's insane dude it's insane all the other rulers we think that they're all assholes america just because this is america we think that they're dude and this is not coming from a political thing i'm talking about people who think they can do the shit better than everyone else you have to have a little of that you have to have a little of that but all of it you have to have other shit wrong with you it's just it, that's it, that's it dude, that's it

everybody I admire like to the truest form that I know in my life I know they wouldn't want to be president I'll leave that to someone who has read more books know in my life, I know they wouldn't want to be president. I'll leave that to someone, you know, who has read more books than me or whatever the fuck. So don't come at me with the political agenda.

I don't like any, any of the presidents, dude. I just want to live. I want to be left alone. I want to be chilling. I want to be with my family. You know what I mean? I want to be kissing my wife and hugging my son. That's what I need.

That's what I want to be. I want to be chilling out with my friends. I want to be laughing my family. You know what I mean? I want to be kissing my wife and hugging my son. That's what I need. That's what I want to be. I want to be chilling out with my friends. I want to be laughing, making fun of people. And that's it. What do you think? How much you think you got to have to where that's the thing? Because there's got to be the cutoff, right? There's got to be the cutoff of like, you know, if you have dollars you're like warren what's his name warren buffett right that guy

just with the way he oh i go to mcdonald's every morning and i'd always bring the correct change and i get the same thing every morning i just like i'm so you're not normal dude get the fucking at least supersize it you know what i mean i don't like these quirky fucking rich guys Like just You know It's like I bring everyone Yeah he's cute yeah I get it And this is a comedy podcast He's a great dude okay

But it's like dude Get a steak Have a chef Actor singer dancer, New Yorker. It's insane, dude. Sorry, I don't even know, like, even rock star. And I don't think comedian is that way. I know that.

I'll probably get some shit for that. But, like, rock star. Like, front man. And I don't think comedian is that way I know that I'll probably get some shit for that But like rockstar Like frontman And I don't mean You know Jack Johns Whatever the fuck guy who plays with no shoes on This is so annoying Or John Mayer

I'm not talking about these guys I'm talking about like fucking Guys who go Like those guys in the 80s. They were all insane motherfuckers, dude. And they showed you and you gave them money for it. That's what the president is basically. Except you think it's like nice because he's in a suit not going.

I don't know dude what the fucking Frink do I know So that's it You guys are great um thank you very much You know I uh I really enjoy you guys listening To this podcast like and subscribe and hug on That uh bell notification You know honestly

Subscribe and like it helps with the algorithm And all that you know your boy gets more views. And if we're trying to grow this cult, we're trying to grow this cult. So we love you. Thanks for listening. And you can go to crystalia.com. Go get that merch. You can get the Go Medium and sometimes stay out.

You get the Life Rips shit hoodie. And we got more merch coming, too. And then we have other ones, too. I can't remember off there. But it's just fucking good shit. We spend time trying to make this merch good. So rep this cult. Hey guys. So that's the episode for YouTube. If you'd like to see the rest of the episode, go on over to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and sign up to see the rest of it. And also you get other things when you are a

Patreon member, like an extra episode a month. And's plenty of uh months that we've been on patreon so you get all access to those backlog episodes and then also uh there's another segment i do called review mode um that comes out bi-weekly and then behind the scenes stuff and all sorts of shit but it's a community there's a discord we do watch alongs and it's fun man i'm having fun with it so sign on up if not uh we appreciate you. We appreciate you either way. So thanks a lot, guys. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. here we go knock him out the box right knock him out rick