Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 21, Oh I’m Diane I’m So Cool

Episode Date: June 20, 2017

It's the 21st episode, coming to you from NYC! On today's show, Chris asks whether or not you can put your feet up on stuff. Also discussed: who lives in Albuquerque?, people who watch games on ESPN Classic, the funniest thing Chris thought of this week, the Bill Cosby case, and a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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about a week and a half ago i I remember you remember in the last episode. And I was sick and it settled after I was better. And now I'm fucking – my voice was going and then I had five shows and it left. It was like, you know what? Sayid the fuck Nara. It went like that and it left it was like you know what say it the fuck nara it went like that and it's gone i keep having to clear my throat because all this stuff it's super annoying but really cool that i'm telling you guys this because i'm sure it makes it really for good podcasting but i'm in new york i'm on the road and I have no producer with me.

So I turn the air off in my hotel room so you wouldn't hear it. It's already blistering hot because in New York, it's too hot. And you know it is because it's just too humid. All right? Hot's fine. Humid's not. Let's wrap that up. Let's wrap it all up.

Let's not be human. So you're going to hear some, not be human or humid Not be humid So a rainstorm started And I'm doing this podcast So anyway my voice is gone I think I sound a little bit sexy And raspy But when I hit the high notes

Look at that That's awful That's awful I can't do that Luther Vandross shit. So, yeah. So I'm in New York City. Let's see what happened so far. I went to Baltimore, which I never wanted to go to really except for the fact that now I have – there's a theater there that was awesome, man.

It was called The Soundstage and it it had two shows, and it was great. I got like 25 to 30 minutes that's new, not from Man on Fire. So I'm working on that, and I'm still doing some of the Man on Fire stuff. So that comes out in – my special comes out on Netflix in like seven days. So I'm going to have to get this new material popping. Um, so I did two shows in Baltimore, which were great. Um, shout out to kid in the front row. What the hell was his name? Oh, damn it. I already don't remember. He was a 16 year old kid, which I was like, how the fuck did he get in? But his dad was there. Um, I can't remember his name,

but he was cool. I actually brought him up on stage to hold the microphone while I tied my shoe and he was a real good support about it. Sorry, I forget your name, bro, but you were super cool. Um, and, uh, then I went to Atlantic city and I did the show in Atlantic city at the Borgata, city and i did the show in atlantic city at the borgata borgata which was awesome i love playing there it's a casino and in casinos you see the dregs of the earth so that's cool i don't know why but every time i go to a casino i see somebody with one arm i don't know what the fuck that's all about uh and nothing wrong with well there's a lot wrong with having one arm you can't do a lot of things that you should be able to do. But not trying to down – get down on anybody who has one arm. But there's always somebody with one arm at a casino.

And I guess that's because you only need one arm to pull the lever on the fucking – what the fuck's it called? The slots. Yeah. So I did that. Uh, got the fuck out of there. Cause Atlantic city, I mean, just casinos are not my thing. And then went to long Island where I played in Huntington and that was awesome. Great shows. Had a fucking heckler at the second show. This fucking idiot that kept calling out this lady who came to be known as during the show as an accountant. And she was so drunk. And Long Island is like one of those places like there were a thousand people at the show.

And there was definitely like a client of hers there but she didn't give a fuck she ended up saying guess who's getting this dick tonight because she was with a dude and i was like you're an accountant hey you're a fucking accountant don't be like that period but also you, you do that, you're the worst accountant. Okay? Oh, my throat, man. I should be taking it easy because I got shows in Florida. But I got to do this.

I got to back up this fucking Brinks truck, dude. I mean, Jesus Christ. What do you think, the podcast stops because my voice is gone? No, I got to back up the fucking Brinks truck. I got to make sure Dunbar and Brinks are fucking reversing into my garage. I want to thank everybody for listening. Last week's episode got the most downloads. And let's keep this shit going, man.

Because it really makes me want to do more podcasts. You know what, I'll tell you what. If we get more and more downloads, I could's keep this shit going, man, because it really makes me want to do more podcasts. You know what? I'll tell you what. If we get more and more downloads, I could do twice a week. I would do that. I just want to make sure that everybody wants that. So, yeah, I'm coming up on Florida, West Palm Beach. I'll be doing that.

Get your tickets at ChrisDalia..com. Then I got Austin coming up and some other ones. Albuquerque. Hey, got a question for people in Albuquerque. Who lives in Albuquerque? Hey, you live in Albuquerque? Wherearia. Real quick, Juaria. Now, it's free conch. You can live wherever you want, but if you live in Albuquerque, Juaria. That's the thing I want to know because, you know, it's New Max. What? What goes on in New Max? It's New Max. It's free conch. Live wherever you want. But if you live in Albuquerque, New Max, who are you?

I hope that somebody tuned into my podcast right there for the first time ever and heard that sentence and thought, oh, this is in a different language, so I can't, I can't listen to this one. So,

dude, it fucking thunderstormed. I was sitting at this coffee shop because that's what I do. And it started fucking thundering. I was with my Irish friend. And it just went boom, boom. And we jumped. And he looked at me and he said, if that happens again, can you hold me? Yeah, man. It was fucking... We don't have that in L.A.

Like boom and the lightning, thunders. I mean, so Russian. We don't have that in L.A. The boom, lightning, and the thunders. So Russian. So yeah. But... Oh, by the way. people are saying to me hey what's yacuda mean i'm a baby

tell me what the fuck yacuda means hey you're not a baby if you don't know what you if you don't know if you're a cooter or not you're not baby i mean you know you can listen to my podcast but you're not baby hey by the way good by the way, good thing it's fucking... Good thing it's fucking... It's been 10 minutes and it's already sweltering in here because I turned the air off. Oh, cool, New York. Hey, New York. Thanks.

So, yeah. So, I was at... I was in Baltimore. And... I have a question for everybody actually. And my friends disagree with me and I understand. I think I might be in the minority. I think I am.

Can you put in public, can you put your feet up on another chair or like hang it over the table or a couch because I do that all the time because I'm a tall drink of water man I sprawl I do that Bon Jovi sit you know what I mean I air out my if I had a dude if I had a pussy I would be airing it out but I don't have a cock and it's being aired out but you know what I'm talking about? I don't wear shorts, so you can't see my balls. So it's fine. I only wear pants. Know why?

Because I'm over 11. So yeah, man. I'm doing this in Baltimore. I'm in a mall. It's got a fucking kiosk, a Starbucks kiosk. And I flew in a day early, so I had nothing to do. I went to the mall. I got a Starbucks.

I put my fucking leg over the... Oh, burp. Sorry. It's gross. It's gross. Not attractive. So I put my leg over the... What do you call it? Table. And my calf was over

like the side corner or as my Irish buddy would say, the side corner, um, of the, uh, sorry, hold on right here of the table. Um, and as it's over there, the security guard is like cleaning up near me. Now, by the way, the table's a fucking mess. Nobody's cleaned this table since 1991. It's got fucking crumbs and shit. It's got old muffins that

Starbucks discontinued, like just like crumbs and shit. Streaks of like shit from a baby. And I got my fucking cap up hanging up on there. This guy comes up to me. Security guy. With, by the way, had a Mountie hat on.

Hey, this guy's a security guard in the fucking mall in Baltimore. Why does he have a Mountie's cap on? Hey, man, take it off. Don't even wear a hat. You security, put on a shirt that says security. That's it. You got a gun, don't wear a Mountie hat. All right?

He's a mall security. In Baltimore, nonetheless. So he's probably dealt with a lot more than normal mall securities because it's Baltimore. And I'm sure people get stabbed in the face at the mall. But so it comes up to me. I see him coming up to me. So I fucking take my leg off the table because people are always telling me to take my fucking leg off the table or shit and chairs. And he says, hey, man, you can't put your leg up on the table like that and since i already

had taken it off i said oh yeah it's not up and he said yeah but it was up and i said huh so since it was and it's not now i guess you don't have to tell me that anymore huh i'd have fucking slammed him you know what i mean i mean i fucking murdered him in two sentences that's it that's a wrap there's no more to talk about so he got all bunched up because he's a man and i'm a man too so it was like a little fucking bit of a standoff you know uh so he said uh he was so i said yeah i didn't have to you don't have to tell me that because i already took him down then right and he said yeah well of course, even though the conversation was over, he said, yeah, well, you know, he says – what did he say? He said, you can't – people have to eat there.

So you can't be putting your feet up like that. And I said – I looked at him. I said, Oh yeah. And he said, yeah. And then he walked away. So that's my Baltimore story.

I mean, it's amazing though. Like when, well, so anyway, my question is, do you need to fucking like, can you not put your feet up on it? Now, I get it.

I get it because, oh, yeah, people think it's disrespectful and shit. But don't you think it's like a case-by-case basis? I mean obviously I'm not going to do it at a fucking restaurant, right? That would be bad. I'm not going to put my feet up on the table. But like sometimes I'll have like my foot up on the booth just chilling. And I got to be like, hey, man, you can't do that. Like what are you talking?

And then they'll be like, treat it like your home. This is what I do at home. It bothers me because the ground, everything that's a surface, I got news for you, dude. Everything that's a surface is layered. And, and I believe this in actual shit. Okay. Layered in shit, layered, literally in feces. You hear about when you flush a toilet? If you leave the toilet bowl open, that shit particles fly out

like 30 feet from the toilet. Your whole bathroom is covered in shit. Literal shit. And then they get that on their hands and then they touch everything. There's shit everywhere. Feces are covered everywhere. You're walking on the ground in New York. You're walking on the ground in Baltimore. You think just because it's on the ground, it's not also in your

mouth? Whatever touches the ground touches something else. That touches your mouth. You don't have to be a fucking CSI guy to know that there's shit in our mouths, literally. So I can hang my calf off the table. That's how I feel. You know why? Because it's shit on table. Also, the tail wasn't even clean. Take your Mountie hat off. Guess what? Your Mountie hat has shit on it. It's all good, but does. I also don't like people who take their jobs to the next level like that. Nothing was happening, dude. You mall security, right? Nothing was happening. So just fucking chill, do nothing, get paid to do nothing. If that's what's happening, happening i've been fucking um hard on the road uh uh because it's just lonely i didn't have my openers until i got to new york so in baltimore i was fucking i don't know why they have 25

sports channels in every hotel room it's espn on espn 2 espn 3 espn classic hey espn classics 2, ESPN 3, ESPN Classic. Hey, ESPN Classics. What? Dude, the game is over. Hey, the game is in the past. Sover. You know guys who are like, don't tell me what happened. Don't tell me what the score is. I want to watch the game. I have a T vote. First of all, to those guys, bye. Yakuta.

But this, ESPN Classics, I mean, 15 times worse. Oh, but Ozzie Smith, it was when he by. Oh, but you don't understand. Bobby Bonilla, that was when he by. But this was the game when Michael Jordan wore the jersey that, bye. Oh, yeah, yeah, but you don't get it because fucking Yami or Jaeger scored three goals on, bye. Hey, yeah, but, oh, that was when fucking Don Mattingly.

Oh, bye. It's a classic game. You know what classic means? Over. It's an over game. But it was when Ken Griffey Sr. Oh, really? Bye. But John MackEn... Bye.

Is his name John McEnby? Shouldn't watch a game. Hey. If you're watching John McEnroe play a tennis game, guess what? You better be there live because he's not televised anymore. And if you're watching a John McEnroe game on tv it's on espn classics and you could all right you don't that's crazy man i imagine these fucking just fat fat fucks with mustaches just like hey this was the game no this was the game carlton fisk

con carl yastrzemski this was the fucking game yeah that's just ESPN Classics is another another level of hi what are you doing that's like the ultimate level of hi what are you doing like I want to meet somebody doing that

and when they go like this I'm Robert I want to go somebody doing that and they go like this. I'm Robert. I want to go, hi, what are you doing? I'm Chris. That comes before I'm Chris because what are you doing? Hi, Chris. Hey, welcome to the game show What Are You Doing?

Today our contestants are watching ESPN Classic. Now, they're watching a fucking show where fucking what's his name? John Allroot wore a regular hat at first base, not a helmet. Sports

fucking nuts will know what I'm talking about. I'm not a sports nut. I just remember what the fuck happened when I was watching TV, when I was watching guys throw a ball around because I was 11. And once I got fucking 12, I realized it's not really that fun anymore. I get it. I know my fucking opener, Mike, he always is like, but this is competition at its finest and this and that. Yeah. I just don't care. I don't have that competitive bone in me. I don't have that. Here's the thing.

I have it with me. I get competitive with myself. But, dude, like if I'm on a team and we lose, guess what? It's the other guy's fault. I'm not fucking taking that blame. You should have passed it better. You should have fucking ran around a little faster. Right? Practice. You should have done two a days and scrimmaged harder. Me? Not my fault. That's why I fucking like to do like martial arts a little bit it's you. You're competing with yourself, man.

With my fucking, trying to do a, what do you call it? The more you know. What do you call those? God, words are just going, man. I'm 37 and words are just going. Public service announcement. Yeah, I can still sing it even though I got my fucking voice is all fucked up. So yeah, that's just weird.

ESPN Classics. I watched. So I just kept flipping, man man that's what the life is man got my iced Americano went to this hipster place in what do you call it the lower east side

you know it's a hipster place when a bunch of Asians are around it or in it. You know, nobody is hipper than a fucking Asian. I swear to God, they know what's up one or two years before, you know, what's up. They'll be wearing a fucking, like a boat on their head, like a little paper mache boat. And you'll be like, the fuck is that? What the fuck is that Japanese guy doing? What is that? What is that Korean guy doing? And then a year later, you start seeing motherfuckers popping up in New York, LA, Seattle with fucking paper mache little boats on their heads. And you're like, motherfucker, they were right. Asians know what's up when it comes to fashion, dude.

You laugh. I laugh. I still laugh even though it's now. But they'll fucking do, dude, bro, you think, you think fucking like these motherfuckers are on cutting edge? Like the American designers and shit, even like the Italian designers. Nah.

Bro, there's some fucking Asian dude in like – fuck it. He's in North Korea even though he's not allowed to do it. But he's like underground and he does it and he's so fashion forward, bro. He's got a little boat in his fucking head, a monocle, and wears like hats all around his body. Not just like all hats, like straw hats over his dick and fucking legs. And his shirt is made of hats. And this guy, everyone's laughing. And in five fucking years

then there's somebody in japan like in a village somewhere and he's wearing like a fucking little boat on his head little paper mache boat he's got two monocles and he's wearing feathers from like some bird that is almost dead but he kept it alive he just plucks the fucking feathers out and he pastes him to his body. And everyone's laughing. Even the North Korea guy's laughing at him. But then he's like, you see, you see. And in fucking 10 years, bro, 10 years, we're not going to be the ones just laughing. Because we're all going to be wearing feathers with little fucking boats on our heads and two monocles.

And that guy will fucking die a hero. And no one would have known it. Because the knowledge is so passed through like the game of telephone that we don't even know what the fuck's happening anymore. We don't know who created it. We don't know. We don't know who created it. Fashion forward, man, my babies.

Fashion is wild. In New York, you you know it's out of control you see I saw a guy I think I don't know sometimes I don't know if a guy is super fashionable or homeless I saw a guy with I put it on my Instagram story with like a metal fucking twisty around headpiece

I don't know if he was fashion forward or if he was an insane person he was sitting on a stoop she's probably crazy but maybe not he wasn't asian though so maybe he wasn't yeah just talking to people um i uh oh by the way when i when i saw that guy, um, with the, with the fucking metal hat fashion forward guy in New York, um, I was in New York. I was outside the comedy cellar just hanging out. I wasn't going out cause my voice, but I hear commotion.

It's so weird how New York, New York is like, it's so New York always. You can go out for an hour and the most New York thing will happen to you, right? Like this. I was out. We were outside of the comedy store or comedy cellar. I was with my opener, one of my openers, Irish. And this dude, I hear a commotion. Motherfucker. First of all, I see this dude walk by and I get a weird feeling from him. And I pay attention to this shit because I think that humans are capable of knowing when some shit's going to go down before it goes down. Because we can pick up cues and the intuition, women's intuition. That shit is real, dude. I believe that.

This dude's walking around. I clocked him, and I knew. I was like, this guy, something's up with this guy. Don't even know why. And you know why deep down in your head, but you don't know why. You don't know how to articulate it. You're like, something's up with that guy. It's like in movies when somebody's like, I don't like this guy,

and I don't know why why but i don't like him that shit's true so he's walking by walks by i fucking register him he leaves and i'm like all right whatever so i'm talking to irish for a little bit and fucking all of a sudden i hear commotion where that guy was walking outside of another fucking club or whatever and then i see that guy running and another guy chase him like motherfucker you don't get your head smashed in motherfucker and then he gives up because he was fat a little bit the other guy was a little spry so he ran away the first guy that i saw and then i was like oh well maybe i was right about that he started some weird shit but i

was like maybe it wasn't his fault and then i see the guy walk back over with like, it looked like a level. Like a level with a bubble on it to see for construction workers. Like a long one with like, it was metal with like taped up. A taped up for, it was taped up so he could use it as a handle. And he's like, motherfucker, where are you? Who's going to beat the shit out of this guy with the level? Eh, it's illegal. And he didn't have his shirt on at this point.

It was like so insane. And then the guy with the crazy metal hat was like, think before you do what you do, man. Think before you do what you do. You're going to go right to jail. Like S in New York. Imagine being from, like, Idaho and visiting, and that's the first thing you see. You'd be like, oh, fuck.

I didn't really expect this stuff to happen. The most New York part about it was nobody really gave a fuck that that was going down. Hey, S in New York. Fashion, babies. fuck did that was going down hey it's new york fashion babies here's how you know fashion works because i want to buy that supreme shit i don't even get it all that supreme shit that that brand whatever that brand is with the hoodie with the supreme logo on it that supreme logo anything with that supreme logo people are going to sleep over in front of a supreme store the night before to get it they they they put out a brick a brick with the the supreme logo on it the brick and they sold it and people were lying enough to get that shit so literally that's the joke

like i mean i can't make it funnier i can't be like yeah what if they fucking put supreme on a blender and then sold that that's not as funny as they made a brick and sold it that's the funniest part. That's the funniest one. What am I going to say? Oh yeah. What if they sold dildos? That's not as funny.

Brick. I mean. And people lined up to get it. Talk about cuda dude. But the branding they have is amazing. Just that clean fucking supreme shit. I want a supreme hoodie. I want a fucking Supreme shit. I want a Supreme hoodie. I want a fucking Supreme hat.

I don't even wear hats. I want Supreme. I almost, I wanted the Supreme fucking Pippins. I didn't get them, the shoes, because I felt like a chump, you know,

but yeah, man, they know. Yeah, dude, I don't, I don't wait in line for anything. You know, you don't have to, if you're in America, you don't have to wait in line. There's a fucking spot across, um, the street from the fucking, actually, i don't want to give out where but uh in in la where they line up every day for breakfast outside of the fucking and and i've been to the place and it's fine but you're lining up to eat breakfast and you're not in russia in 1982. I don't know if that analogy makes sense.

I think probably they did that, though, in 1982 in Russia. But, like, come on, man. What do you do? Go to the place down the street. Hey, hey, man. Hey, I want to go up to each of those people. Hey, man, go to the place down the street. They got breakfast, too. Excuse me, ma'am.

Go to the place down the street. Yeah. Excuse me. Yakuta, ma'am. You're being an idiot. You stay in here. Go to the place down the street. Yeah. Excuse me. Yakuta. Ma'am. You're being an idiot. You stay in here. Go to the place down the street.

Excuse me, sir. And your kids. Your kids. I know you don't really have much of a mind of your own because you're kids. But your father and mother, they're being fucking pieces of shit. Go down the block. Go to a different place and go get eggs. Wait 30 minutes in line to get a fucking breakfast when you don't have to.

Oh, you live in the land of opportunity? Don't do that. I don't get it. Don't wait in lines because you don't have to. Unless you want to, but then also realize you'd be in pieces. Shit. It's free conch. But still. You feel me. I know you feel me.

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So yeah. New York, New York, eh? Every time I come to New York, I feel like I'm going to see RZA. And I met him. But I always felt like that even before I met him. New York, eh? Hey, yous guys.

You ever have a fucking ballpark? Be frank. That's what I feel like people are going to be saying in New York. No matter what, you're walking down the street. Hey, hey, hey. I got a question for you. You ever have a fucking ballpark? Be frank.

I feel like in New York, they don't even say hot dog. You got a fucking ballpark? Be frank. Huh? Hey, Dominic. Hey, Dom. You ever have a fucking ballpark? Be frank. Huh? Dominic. Hey, Dom. You ever have a fucking ballpark beef frank?

Eh? I mean, I had a hot dog. What do you mean ballpark beef frank? It's the same fucking thing. Eh? Ain't the same fucking thing, man. You want a fucking ballpark beef frank? That right there?

That's a fucking, that's something you put in a fucking bun you fucking chew it up you eat it up you fucking shit it out later you fucking buy a hot dog you're a fucking you might as well the you have a fucking ballpark beef frank yeah you have a i have a fucking ballpark be frank if a fucking new york now i know people are gonna come up to me and ask me and talk to me about that tomorrow because they're probably listening to the podcast and walk by me and say this shit but whatever hey you ever this is the most new york thing that could happen hey you ever have a fucking ballpark be frank and the other guy says yeah two three times why two three times a fucking week i eat a ballpark to be frank? And the other guy says, yeah, two, three times. Why? Two, three times a fucking week I eat a ballpark to be frank.

I don't even go to a fucking ballpark to do it. I fucking get them. I grill them on a fucking outside. Go to my place in fucking Queens. Forget it, man. Forget about it. I fucking eat a ballpark to be frank

all day long. I fucking eat a ball... I got news for you. The other day, I ate seven fucking ballpark to be franks. One day. And let me tell you something. That ain't nothing.

When it comes to my Uncle Tony, my Uncle Tony one day, swear to God, sat down, watched me 14 fucking ballpark beef franks right in front of me. God is my witness. You say I'm lying. God is my fucking witness. Yeah. I want that to happen in the world Just so I can laugh Oh my fucking voice How about that

My voice is gone And I understand that It's because I talk as a career. But now all I have to do is talk still. I'm trying to get it better for these fucking Florida shows. Square cash. Square cash, remember, as I said in the beginning, is the best way to pay people back. Square Cash.

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It's not a social network. Nobody finds out when you pay for your hookers and shit you know download the free square cash app for ios or android now be secretive and cool and use square cash you know you know what i'm saying um uh yeah so the thing – let's see. What made me laugh? You know what? This is what I do when I walk around town or if I'm on the road, I walk around. A lot of times I check my messages on my phone, texting with buddies. Sometimes I'm alone though and I've got nothing. My phone is charging. I'm chilling.

I'm just thinking of shit. And I realized that I used to do this way more before phones and it was way easier to write stand up because of it. I would just start thinking of shit. And I thought of something that made me laugh so hard. I laugh by myself all the time, by the way. And, uh, I guess it looks crazy, but whatever. Um, I laughed so hard thinking of a guy courting a girl and trying to get her to go out. And she's like, I don't know, whatever. I'm seeing someone. I'm like, okay. And then a few months later, hey, you want to hang out?

She just doesn't respond. Maybe a few months later, hey, you want to hang out? She just doesn't respond. Maybe a few months later, hey, you want to hang out? Hey, what's up? Hey. And then she disappears. And then like maybe this goes on for a year. She's at a party. Hey, let's hang out.

She's like, all right, fine. I'll finally, you know, sure. Right? I'll give it a shot. And then the guy finally takes her out to dinner or whatever the fuck, you know? She has a good time. They kiss. Maybe they make out in the car. He lets her out to dinner or whatever the fuck you know she has a good time they kiss maybe they make out in the car he lets her out good night oh she was pleasantly surprised so not that then they go out again like three days later and she still kind of gives them the run around she's

like i'm busy let's reschedule and so i was like okay so then like five days later they end up going out takes her to dinner again and conversation is great raring to go get back to his place start having sex right and he's like and it feels and it feels good for both of them it's great and say her name is diane whatever And he's having sex with her. And right before he orgasms, after all the year of trying to hang out with her and courting her for a few weeks, right before he has an orgasm, he goes like this. Ooh, I'm Diane. I'm so cool. I'm so cool. Oh, shit. I mean, like, lunatic.

But, like, so funny. Like, what would she do? Like, after that year of trying to hang out and then him just ruining it in that moment to be like, oh, well, she's never going to hang out with him again. What a weird time to mock her. Right before... What a weird time to mock her. Right below. Right before he has an orgasm, he just goes, oh, I'm Diane.

Oh, I'm so cool. Like, what would she do? She would be like, oh, oh my God, you are a fucking piece of shit. And he would be. But that would be so funny if someone did that. And you can't do it

if it's like your girlfriend. It has to be the first time you have sex with somebody. That's what your girlfriend it has to be the first time you have sex with somebody that's what makes it funny because like the audacity and the uncomfortableness of it would fucking annihilate me i would laugh i'm laughing i laugh dude i started crying laughing ago and it didn't even happen. I was alone. So yeah. Oh fuck, that would be so funny. I'm going to look at these hashtags here.

Let's see what's up with gaming the system. Congratulations, Pod. Sometimes these people give me good... Oh, did you see somebody got a tattoo of Yakuta? What's his name? Anthony Frank Colon. Unreal. I retweeted it and I put it on my Instagram if you hadn't seen it. But a guy got a tattoo and said Yakuta.

Oh, he came to my Atlantic City show. My family came to my Atlantic City show a little bit after. So afterwards I went out into the showroom and I saw them and there were like two stragglers left. Security was pushing them out. And the guy was like, we got your Yacuda tattoos, bro. And I was like, okay, cool, man. And I thought he was just fucking around. Then he tweeted, the show was lit or whatever.

Check out the tattoos we got. We were serious. And I was like, what the fuck? It says Yacuda on his wrist. I don't know getting funny tattoos is weird to me like get it if you're gonna get a tattoo it's badass just go with that you know how like steve-o has your name the words your name tattooed on his ass um yeah that's not to me that's like insane that's so weird i know that's the point but uh this is a good idea paul or pablo at paul underscore j underscore jimenez

good name when do we get matching outfits and you know know, do some culty shit. You know, here's what I want, and this is actually something that's – I'm not fucking around about this. I always thought it was cool when couples dressed alike. I think that that's fucking balling for real. And if you have family, dress them alike too. If I have a family or whatever it is, a wife and two kids, you best fucking believe we're all dressing the same for a few of the days in the world. Not every day. That would be very weird.

We're not all dentists or like surgeons. I don't know. But like no, there's no doubt. 100%. We're absolutely doing that red shirt red pants like monochromatic too people are going to be like what's with that red family it's on with my family if i have fucking kids and a wife it's on clothing wise thematically it's on you get a Tweety Bird shirt guess who's got the Tweety Bird shirt too daddy's got it too okay little Tommy

excuse me Samantha my little daughter put on this god damn Tweety Bird shirt because fucking Tommy's wearing it and I'm wearing it too and your wife and your fucking mom is wearing it too my wife what the fuck her name is Yolanda of course my wife's name will be yolanda but yeah

yolanda get the tweety bird shirts come on bring them down but i don't want to fucking bring him down i ain't wearing that tweety bird shirts no more bring him fucking down yolanda and i'm coming up and get him. And I know you don't want me to come up and get him. Fine shit. That's how it's going to be living with me, dude. It's not even, it's not a cult. That's family, bro. That's family. That's family.

Thoughts on DJ Khaled getting booed off stage at EDC, I didn't know that happened, Steven Zaharias, at Steve Breh, I didn't know that happened, but fuck EDC, how about that, all right, I can't stand people that just think they need to get tickets to everything, I have fucking people I see like that. It's just like, nah. You got booed off stage? How about getting booed off stage at the worst place? Is that good or bad? I don't even know. I'm sure I'd

get booed off stage at EDC. Yeah, that'd be real bad. That'd be really bad. Getting getting boot off stage is horrible i don't think i've ever been boot off stage no um but yeah aaron brown at aaron j brown please talk to us babies about writing man on fire and how your act developed give the cooters a little nibble. I already mentioned that in one of the past, uh,

that's his Aaron Brown. I already mentioned that in one of the past episodes. I don't know which one, but, uh, yeah. So go listen to that one. If someone could help him out,

tweet him it. I don't know which one it was. Um, so anyway, um, yeah, but that man on fire comes out very soon. Uh, anyway, um, yeah, but that man on fire comes out very soon. Uh, and, um, it's fucking, uh, exciting.

Oh, that was like two years in the making. I think, uh, last one was in April, 2014 and it's 2017 now. So I can't believe I have actually new material since then that i'm torn to do it with but uh i don't know i kind of want to wear no shirt on a special and be like the jaw rule of comedy all the way i think burt kreischer did that never mind can't do that well i mean you could do it also that was cool burt did that though. He's fucking funny as shit. That guy's so funny actually, even like in real life.

He's just a great storyteller. So yeah. All right. Well, what else? I don't know. I'm going to maybe wrap this up because my voice is killing me and I got to save West Palm beach, but that's West Palm beach.

I will be there soon. I can't wait to get some fucking beach, but that's West Palm beach. I will be there soon. I can't wait to get some fucking rays, catch some rays, dude. I'm going to go get some, I'm going to get a bathing suit cause I never pack one. So I'm just going to buy another one. So this time when I bring it home, I'll have 40 bathing suits instead of 30. Dude, I have so many bathing suits because I always buy them on the road. That's some idiot. Um, like some idiot. The rain stopped in New York. I'm happy about it, man.

I love New York. I'm going to go eat myself a fucking ballpark beef frank. I feel like whenever my voice is like really, really, really scratchy that I feel like I'm John Malkovich and in the line of fire um I don't remember what he says but

I just feel like this is how he called when he used to call Clint Eastwood and he'd just sound like this talking to him I'm going to kill the president Mr. fucking Jack his name was I wonder if the fucking it was Mr. fucking Jack. His name was... I wonder if the fucking...

It was definitely Jack. Clint Eastwood's name was Jack for sure in The Line of Fire. They should name more lead guys Jack in movies because that's not... That's not... How many fucking... Jack Reacher, Jack Ryan, and all of them, and all the other ones.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's played Jack. Hey, Arnold Schwarzenegger is not named Jack, obviously. I think we talked about this in the 10-minute podcast before. Yeah, so I don't know you know what i was surprised about this week actually was when cosby got let off first of all when he got let off man convicted someone's fucking hard huh like everything needs to be the deck the deck needs to be stacked because they can't try they know obviously the fucking guy did it because 80 women said he did it and can recount specific stories. I don't exactly – I'm not convinced it's the Illuminati that's going after him.

But like you have to fucking – it has to be on that one case. fucking it has to be on that one case like they can't take any of the outside fucking um cases and or the you know the pending shit and have it cloud the juries in this case so i guess they felt they didn't have proof which is fucking sounds crazy um but then when the lawyer, when Cosby's lawyer afterwards had the press conference and he said, Mr. Cosby now has his power back. I mean, is there a worse way to say that after beating a rape case? He has his power back? First of all, he's not he-man. Second of all, I mean, that's what you use to rape is your power over women physically. And then for him to be like, yeah, Mr. Cosby's power is back. His power is back.

He said it like four times. I don't say that. Have a better bedside manner. He might as well walk down and be like, we want motherfuckers. We want motherfuckers. Cosby's power is back. His cock power is back. Power is back.

His cock power is back. Drink shit that Bill Cosby gives you. Like, hey, man, just don't say. Don't say. Hey, man, don't say. That was crazy when they said that. My jaw dropped. I was like, oh, man.

This fucking world we live in is a joke, though, dude. But whatever. I'm a fucking comedian, so at least my shit is all a joke and it's supposed to be, I guess. I don't know. I got to take care of my voice, you guys. Thanks for listening. You guys, I really appreciate you listening. Closing statements.

Square Cash is the best way to pay people back. Make sure to do that. Download Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. I got my upcoming show dates. Tweet me at hashtag congratulations pod. And also there's merchandise. There's shirts. There's congratulations podcast shirts on my website at

chrisdalia.com. So go there. Support the podcast. Wear them. It's got those cool emojis and the artwork. Rate and review the show. iTunes, Google Play and Stitcher. And then Man on Fire is coming out next Thursday, or I'm sorry, next Tuesday on the 27th at like midnight or whatever. Watch it. Tweet about it. Share this podcast with your friends. Help a motherfucker out. You Thank you for listening my babies One

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