Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 210. Chocolate Croissants

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord stuff & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia It's episode 210 and Chris tells us all the story of his recent trip to St. Louis. Spoiler alert, it did not go well. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. free. Yes, you heard that right. From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaws is committed to fresh, so you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. Hello everyone, this is Chris D'Elia, and if you're hearing this message, you're not currently enjoying congratulations as it's supposed to be heard. If you'd like to, go on over to Chris. Oops. Go on over to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. extra episodes, along with other segments, like one I do called Review Mode, and also other episodes of With Chris, the popular YouTube show that I do on YouTube. Anyway, let's get down to it. Hi guys, it's Chris D'Elia, and welcome to my podcast, Congratulations. What's up, you guys? How's everybody doing? You know, it's all good, dude. Everything's great, man. We're having a good time doing it all. You know, what can I say, man? I haven't

worked out, honestly, for three weeks. I took a little trip. I haven't worked out for three weeks and guess what? Still look fantastic. I'm sorry to break your heart strong, guys. Yeah. I'm sorry to break your heart strong, guys. I do lots of heavy lifting and sometimes I take some time off and I'm sorry to break your heart strong, guys. I'm going to start again tomorrow. Sorry to

break your heart strong, guys. Anyway, dude, this is another episode of congratulations and we're loving it. Um, one fire just gave me a weird look. Wonder if everything's okay. It's still going to be trucking forward. All good,

dude. Everything's great. We're going to just keep it going. Um, do you know, do you know about busy bone? The, the fucking and the bone thugs in harmony,

dude. First of all, worst name of a rap group ever. Bone Thugs in Harmony. And I loved how there were like four of them. And then all of a sudden there were 950 of them. Like they were so successful. It was such a moment in rap history. The Bone Thugs and some of the fat guys.

successful it was such a moment in rap history the bone thugs every day every day every day every day see you at the crossroads you won't be lonely see you at the crossroads and you won't be alone so bad. Eh, could only be popular in 99. Eeked out the fucking millennium with fucking eh, son. Busy bone, lazy bone, fucking grumpy bone, you know. Oh, man. Grumpy bone sounds like marriage sex and some um but yeah dude oh all right grumpy bone all right um all right son um and then there was always that one asshole that was like,

you know what they're actually really saying if you slow it down and you're just like, dude, shut the fuck up. I have English homework. I got shit to do, dude. I'm going to go outside and throw sticks around. You're going to tell me if I slow down the fucking bone thugs and the busy bone. And one time, and busy bone is out till lunch now, dude.

For real. He is. and i knew it too this is what i knew i met i met busy bone once i was at the comedy store this was years ago and i was talking to somebody on the patio of the comedy store and busy bone well actually i don't even see him i hear him first i hear from the, pardon my motherfucking interruption. Pardon my motherfucking interruption. Pardon my motherfucking interruption. Pardon my motherfucking interruption. That's what I hear. And I look over and it's busy bone just talking at me and whoever I'm talking to. Pardon my motherfucking interruption. Pardon my motherfucking interruption. He said it so much. Said it no bullshit. I think he said it 15 times. Pardon my motherfucking inter it so much said it no bullshit i think he said it 15 times pardon

my motherfucking interruption dude and we were both like hey man you're interrupting yourself now mr bone and then he just and then we were looking at him like uh yeah and he just walks in between us and keeps walking, dude. Oh, dude. Eh, son. Got it. Paul, I did my motherfucking interruption. That's what he did, dude, and it was so funny and sad. And sad, because it was 2013, and where have you been? Busybone, why do they call him busy bone? Well, he's busy fucking interrupting people over and over again.

That's for sure. I see you at the crossroads. See you at the crossroads. And I'm going to miss everybody I know. I have something to give you. I'm going to put you on a good news if God's got it. And I'm going to miss everybody I know. That's fucking beautiful no warm-up pardon my motherfucking interruption he just rapped it and scooted in between us dude and i

was like what an asshole have you seen him do interviews, dude? Dude, there's interviews where he has like a fucking Raiden hat on and he's sitting back and he's just, and as they're, as he got interviewed with one of the other bones, you know, lazy bone or fucking hip bone or some shit and fucking, and he was just sitting there and, and, and the other bone was talking a lot about how bone thugs in harmony was the shit and then fucking busy and then busy bone when when they asked busy bone a question busy bone took his hat up and just stared at him and was like well you know how it was was this and that he's just insane dude he just leaned forward and then after he was done talking he leaned back and put his hat back over his eyes. Like he thinks he's fucking Dr. Klaar or some shit.

But this was the shit. My buddy sent me this. This clip. Hollywood Underground. This is from Hollywood Underground. Alright, let's go. Here we go. Alright, dude. You know what it is, cuz. Hey. Backstage. I don't know who made that

make sense, but when you call on the illuminaries i already know it's headed downhill when you start with a sentence when you call on the illuminaries okay and dude he's pointing so much and you know that he just knows he's right whether he's right or not you know you know he knows he's right. Whether he's right or not, you know, you know, he knows he's right. So you just sit back and you relax. When somebody says something and they say something about illuminaries, you sit back, you got no, you don't say, whoa, hold on a second. What's an illuminer?

You don't do any, what kind of illuminary do you meet? No, you don't do that. You sit back and you relax and you realize he's going to skip the part where he says, pardon my motherfucking interruption, right? But he's growing because this happened after he did this to me. So he's backstage and there's a fucking hanger on next to him that's just yes-ending him, right? This is why they say don't speak on the Illuminati. Not only is it Jesus' family, but it's also your family.

See, the light that's guiding everybody is like a bad light. Sucked on helium. But when you have a good light, all you have to do is call on the Illuminaries and click the channel. It's going to talk to you about Mrs. Arnold. Oh. It's going to talk to you about your school. It's going to talk to you and tell you where you're going to be at the end of the day. Three important things.

Mrs. Arnold, your school, and where you're going to be. The Illuminaries is going to call you and tell you about three things. Arnold, Miss Arnold, the school, and where you're going to be. Illuminaries can slip around the earth seven times in one second. Oh. Them the Illuminaries. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's go back.

At the end of the day. See, Illuminaries can slip around the earth seven times in one second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's go back. Throw up in his mouth. Throw up in his mouth right there. Oh, that's what the cult don't understand because they ain't never been with Christ. Threw up in his mouth three times already. You bring Christ to your cult, anything you kill shall die for eternity. And that's what people don't understand.

That's why Christ came and he came dead. So they know if there's something you think is the Lord, bring Christ to your motherfucking court, nigga. When people talk and they start doing this and they're just like, just so you know, you're like, oh shit. Step away, dude. Because they're a fucking second away from just unloading on you

with their hands. You know what I mean? Threw up in his mouth three times when he did this. Bring him to your core, nigga. And I will show you, nigga, that shit'll die forever, nigga. Imagine the cameraman, dude, right in his face and the cameraman just like this.

Okay, okay. Sure, bring Christ to your core, right? Right, bring Christ to your core. The eliminators go around the world seven times in a second. Okay, sure, sure, sure. We get down, nigga. The temple of motherfucking Christ.

You better trust and believe. Oh, my purple homie? What? Oh, my purple homie? What is he, a California raisin? He keep a turban on. A pair of Sangs, 300 pair of Sangs sayings tall how you doing and that's the way that we rock and we roll and then that's a blessing because he could have killed me from there but he

said no way i'm gonna love that brother and he understand where i'm coming from because of the thought patterns you're talking to a brother without a brain that brother has a thought like lightning okay you brother without a brain i'm following you now also dude how is nobody it's actually sad like nobody's around this guy being like yo yo yo yo yo yo yo guys turn the camera off when he starts talking about illuminaries and how they slip around the world uh seven times in a second let's just maybe ask somebody else a question at this point like everyone just like literally the chick in the back is like yep illuminaries a lightning bolt a burning motherfucking lead tear vino with a golf club with iron in his goddamn hand that's

why he don't like metal like that famous saying my bad my bad My bad. Oh, wow. Dizzy bone. This is the way the fuck that we get down without any bullshit. If I put my hand out there, all I'm going to say is, which one do you want to be? That's my dad. Oh, my. You know? If I put my hand out there, all'm gonna say is which one you want to be how much i mean that's like a fucking literally that he's he in real life is the guy that a nicholas cage character has to go to and talk to in one scene to try and figure out where the

fucking gem is you know what i mean it's just like fucking, where's the jam? Where's, he's like, where's the jam? And then, I'm gonna tell you where you gonna be at the end of the day. See, luminaries can slip around the earth

seven times in one second. And Nicolas Cage is like, Just insane, dude. Pardon my motherfucking interruption. Dude. Bone thugsugs you know wow they're all like 60 now and shit bro i went on a trip um we went on a trip me and the family calvin took his first uh

trip me and the family calvin took his first uh plane ride and we didn't know what to do we didn't know rather we didn't know if it was how it was going to go is what i is what i mean to say so we got him we took a trip to st louis and we took a trip to north carolina uh and we took a flight to st louis and then a flight to north carolina and then a flight back we were there for 11 days now is it too long yes did i say I'll do it because I didn't want to have an argument? Yes, dude. Did she want to even make it longer? Yes. But did I get out of me making it longer?

Yes. So 11 days was where we fucking pretty much, uh, what do you call it? Made a compromise even though I didn't even bring it up at all. Yes. And it was a compromise even still. Yes, dude. Even though I didn't even bring it up, was it still a compromise in my head? Yes.

Did I hold it over my head in the whole trip and sometimes start arguments? Yes. Am I working on it? Yes. Does it matter? No, because we still get into arguments, but it's all good. Okay? It's all good.

Did she want to go for two weeks? Yes. Did she mention it briefly and I said, let's just go for maybe 10 days? And she said she didn't really want to, but ended up saying, okay. Yes. Was that still too long? Did I only want to go for about maybe six or seven days? Yes, dude.

Did we end up going for 11 days? Yes. Did we take too many flights? Yes. Did I hold it over my, did I hold over her head the whole time? Yes, dude. The start argument is yes. is it all good maybe so um so anyway we fucking did we went we went we took him on the dude i didn't know what to expect with calvin and we just she got so much

shit she's the best mom dude she got so much shit she got like coloring books fucking uh just cotton for him to throw around a box of 50 toys that are like these little bitch-ass toys cost like two dollars and we just got like a box of a bunch of toys it was like a slinky and we were like we don't know what to do we got him a fucking hat with a propeller on it just all sorts of shit prescription glasses just anything you know what i mean because they she's like i got it but i saw on youtube mom said to get this it was like everything i was like why the prescription glasses she's like well you know he tried to figure it out why shit's blurry and it fucking buys us 10 minutes we're like all right cool at least he won't be crying he never cries anyway but so we took him to the fucking on the dude it's so cute seeing

it's so cute seeing him on the fucking plane dude we put headphones on him and he was just watching he was like why does the sound sound why does it sound like it's inside my head why does this show sound like it's inside my head just watching shit and they're just like the fucking hawk goes fly fly and he's just like whoa the hawk goes the polar bear digs out the ice. And he's just like, whoa, with a big, with a big ass headphones with an extra fucking thing that tightens it over it. He looked like a fucking one of those aliens in Mars attacks. It's just like, and the zebra runs away from the tiger or it gets gutted.

Whoa, that's crazy. Mama birds feed their young gross fucking regurgitated worms. What the fuck am I watching? You know, flies only live 24 days. That's if they avoid a fucking fly swatter inside. Then the last thing that goes through its head is its fucking anus. What the fuck? Where am I watching?

Oh, it's for kids, just because their eyes are wide. Don't get sucked in by satan what no their eyes are wide it's fine i swear to god some of these children books they're just like and then grandma went straight to hell what the fuck and then some kids just eyes are wide and grandma's eyes are wide and jesus and the devil's eyes are white their eyes are wide and the grandma's eyes are wide and Jesus and the devil's eyes are wide. Their eyes are wide. It's fine. One has a beak. It's a fucking animal. It's fine.

So, yeah. So we took them and it was cute as shit, dude. Flight delayed. Fucking yes. Waiting at the airport way too long Calvin's sitting there just looking around oh look that's Jersey Mike's cool

oh look that's Starbucks nice what's that a gate cool some plants inside nice hey look Hudson News what the fuck is that even I don't know son Why can you get a fucking magazine And also a ceramic eagle in it I don't know

Maybe some people like ceramic eagles When they want to fucking travel So We're waiting and we get on the plane Finally and we take off And we take off In Calvin's bedtime so we're like we're we're fucked we're just gonna we're gonna be it's gonna be fine we're just gonna deal

with it we're gonna get in at fucking oh dark 30 and it's gonna be fine we're just gonna put him to bed dude that kid fucking giggled the whole flight we're like let's go to bed come on lay down and he would just go and then he'd get back home and go i was like dude are you just a fucking drunk it was unbelievable and the fucking ipad was going hopefully the plane doesn't take a nosedive what the fuck it's okay the pilots eyes are wide and he just fucking he would go to bed go see piece we say go see piece and he would just go lay on the fucking middle seat and then just be like dude didn't cry once got okay landed at 1205 kristin set up the rental car yay she set up the rental car yay because we're set up the rental car. Yay. Cause we're going to need to drive around and see her friends and everything in her family. Yay. She set up the rental car.

Yay. So it was going to be all good. So we went with Calvin and I'm carrying him, dude. Motherfucker gets heavy after a while. I mean, what is he like 26 pounds? But dude, these biceps are, yeah, sure. They're crazy. Nice. But dude, after a while I need more oxygen, you know? So we're out there waiting for the fucking Enterprise shuttle to come. Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. 20 minutes goes by. Where the fuck is the fucking Enterprise shuttle? Now, you know me. I'm cool.

But when I got to gotta wait Blood starts coming out My anus Calvin's just chilling On my fucking shoulder just like this Tack tack Every fucking car that goes by Tack truck Tack truck

Yep say the R in it next time but it's all good Tack tack Car tack That's car and tack that's truck He can distinguish barely Yep. Say the R in it next time, but it's all good. Tack, tack. Cock, tack. That's car. And tack, that's truck. He can distinguish barely and he fucking can almost do the different, you know, tack and cock. That's the difference.

It's really hard to tell about. I'm his dad, so I know what he said. Yes, that's right. Yes. Where the fuck is this enterprise shit? So I say, babe, while I'm holding holding him exhausting my fucking limbs do you mind um checking the website or something or getting a phone call because i don't know where this fucking enterprise shuttle is and she looks on the fucking website calls

four rings that's too many for a business. Pick up. Five. Six. Why, hold on. That's too many for a business. Pick up. Eight.

But business. You're a business half a nine you've reached enterprise and but you don't sound like this is in person and why would that be because you're an establishment and i got a car from you. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card.

Terms apply. What time is it, babe? She says, 1130. And I say, well, when's the shuttle coming? So now I'm looking it up and I call because when I call shit's gonna go bonk and I wanna explode I'm high

who can I with my kid just who can I blame who's around who's around who's looking you who wants to make eye contact I'll blame you I'll blame whoever the fuck who wants to make eye contact what's up whoever you. I'll blame whoever the fuck who wants to make eye contact. What's up? Whoever's getting look at me you want where's the car?

Sir, I don't I'm I'm just from I'm a local. Okay. Well, where's my car? Where's the shuttle ma'am? I'm just a grandma. Well, you made eye contact with me didn't you? So contact with me didn't you so i'm like well what do we do they're not picking up and then we read in the fine print in the fine print it closes at 12 yay it closes at 12 yay it closes at 12 yay so i say well babe surely check your email because this is your fault because you have an email telling us if our flight is delayed that we aren't going to be able to do it we need to make other plans and she checked her email and they didn't have it so they didn't send us an email so hey enterprise go fuck yourself go fuck yourself enterprise

you left me and my fucking fiance and my little homie stranded at the st louis airport i don't know if you know anything about st louis but it's not fucking nice it's not nice bullet wise okay when it comes to bullets whizzing by your head st louis gets a one all right so i'm exhausting my oxygen from my fucking crazy lumped up bicep still calling enterprise like they're gonna fucking get in at 12 45 a.m so i said what the fuck do we do we don't have uh we don't we're here at the st louis airport if it was just me and you we could get an uber but the kid's fucking one and a half. So what the fuck do we do? Kid gets sit in the fucking back of a Subaru with no seat. So we sit there and we wait. We're the only people in the airport.

There's one guy who's like got a uniform on, some uniform. It didn't even have to do with the airport, but he was like, yeah, you know, fuck it. I'll wear any uniform and just point people in certain directions If they say anything to me And I was like sir And he was just sitting on like something that you're not even You know how they have like all airports have those fucking posts For no reason

Like they just look like big dildos coming out of the ground He was just fucking straight up sitting on one Like it was going in his anus And I was like sir do you know where And he was like yeah over there or whatever I don't even know what I asked him I don't. And I was like, sir, do you know where? And he was like, yeah, over there or whatever. I don't even know what I asked him. I don't remember because I was fucking blood curdling mad. So I was like, well, we got to get an Uber.

And she was like, what about him? And I'm like, I don't know. It's fucking dangerous as shit. But what the fuck else are we going to do? Sleep at the St. Louis airport? And wait till Enterprise opens? So she's like, I guess so. We'll just hold his fucking seatbelt.

So we called up. We got an Uber. An Uber came. And the guy shows up. And he like hey what's up and I was like hey yeah how long is it to the hotel and he's like 20 minutes and I was like oh okay cool and he saw me with the kid he's like do you have a car seat and I was like I was like here we go fucking with utter confidence just play this out with utter confidence so I looked right in his eyes and I said, no. And he said, oh shit, how old is he?

And I said, four. My son can't take two steps without falling on his chin. My son says, no words. He says, tuck for truck. He's not four. But the guy just goes like this. The guy goes like this. This is how you knew we were in St. Louis.

The guy goes like this. All right. He's wearing diapers obviously oh and it has shit in it you can smell it we put him in between us in the backseat of the fucking suburban dude

we're just like just give him the iPad cause if he cries he's gonna know he's not four right just give him the iPad so give him the iPad like shouldn't be in the back here Without a car seat It's okay the Uber driver's got wide eyes And he's just sitting there It stinks like shit

Just shit probably three times Since we've been fucking stranded And we get to the hotel dude And you know me I'm pissed And fucking Kristen Even Kristen's fucking upset at this point. Because she's like, Jesus, fuck Enterprise. Dude, and even my son, he doesn't even give a fuck.

We're like, I'm like, will you be pissed too? And he's just fucking diaper full of shit. Just like, he doesn't give a fuck, dude. This kid's an angel, dude. And so we get to the fucking and i want to say this the union station hotel in st louis we show up at 1 15 nobody nobody nobody nobody

nobody nobody what's that fucking Keith Sweat nobody who was there Keith Sweat hit it nobody nobody zero people were there Hit it. Nobody. Nobody. Zero people were there. Hey, but building, you're a hotel.

All you have are people inside you. Dude, I didn't even fucking, even in the rooms, there was. Nobody. Keep sweating. Hit it it he slides in nobody but it's just as close because even he's not there we walk in with all the bags i don't know if you know, but when you take a trip for 11 days with a family, you're not carrying around two totes and an ice machine. You're carrying around nine bags the size of the city you're in. So I fucking, I got the three i also i also got a kid you know i got a kid i got two bags and another bag on that she's got a bag and another bag on that we get the shit we bought at fucking hudson news and a doll for fucking calvin and we and we're like hey we're like fucking can we is

there excuse me throwing rocks at fucking uh people's windows can you like we're like, hey! We're like fucking, can we, is there, excuse me, throwing rocks at fucking people's windows? Can you? Like we're the boyfriend of whoever's inside the fucking hotel. Hey, your parents home. And I'm like, baby, let's just go. Come on. And then finally somebody comes out, really old dude. And he's like, hey, what's up?

And I'm like hey dude thank god you're here can we get these bags up to our room and so we can check in and the guy says oh i shit you not the guy says we don't normally do that. And in my head, I'm screaming, hey, but bellhop, you're a bellhop. Huh? When I go ding, you hop over here. There was no bell and you were sauntering. So you're not a bellhop anymore. You're an air saunter.

Congratulations. You're an air saunter. You're the first guy that got hired as an air saunter. Why do you have that shitty hat on? Because that's what bellhops wear. And you're an air saunter. Oh shit! You're a breeze

mingler. Oh fuck. oh fuck dude so i get on so he says you know what i can do and i say i hope it's good and he says i'll get you one of these things. And he brings out one of those big ass clunky things, the go, go, go, go. It doesn't matter.

It could be on the flattest fucking, flattest, smoothest fucking surface. Those, those bag, those bellhop fucking go, go, go, go, go, go with the big ass arches, right? Like it's half of a McDonald's sign. Go, go, go, go, go. Here, I'll give you one of these and you put the bags on that and bring it to the room. And I say, oh, you must only have rooms on the

first floor, but the building looks high. So what's up with that? What's up with that oxygen mangler so i put the things on i got calvin still on my other bicep because the oxygen oxygen is draining so we push it up and we got to push it up take an elevator in the back it's weird as fuck dude it looks like this hotel was based like the one that resident evil based its fucking board on so we get to the thing and we're like hey exhausted sweat pouring out of our armpits calvin's full of diaper shit still giggling and i'm like hey we got to check in okay cool hey by way, do you have anybody that could help, uh, with the bags? Nah. And I say, Hey, why? And he says, COVID. And I say, so we just bring, he says, well, after like 11 PM, we just, we don't have the guys. Cause it's cause of COVID. So I'm like, all right, so we got to do it. So we got to do it. So we get to do it so we get in the hotel we get in the fucking

elevator we're going up with all the bags we got to pull them all out dude it's hard as fuck all right and i'm holding calvin and pushing the thing and she's got three bags and shit we got to all the doors are closed you know when like the magnets don't work and the doors close and shit do you know what i'm talking about and the and and and we have to open the doors and the and everything clanking around we're dropping bags dude i'm so pissed right we get into the fucking thing and we we put calvin in the cribby and now at this point he's just like what is life like he doesn't he doesn't even understand where are we? Why is this room?

Why is nobody here? Just like, it's like fucking 4am For me And so we put him down I deadbolt The front door So no cleaning ladies Can come in and be like

Oh baby let's take him or whatever And uh Oh free baby you know And uh Ladies can come in and be like, oh, baby, let's take him or whatever. And, uh, oh, free baby, you know? And, uh, finally my press are answered. You know what I mean? Um, and so then Kristen shuts the adjoining room door on his side. Okay. So let's rewind. Okay. Let's tell this story again. If you're not all about it at this point. Okay. I closed the door to Calvin's room, deadbolted it, and then Kristen closed the adjoining door on his side.

Oops. All right. So now if there's a fire, oh shit. And then to this day, there would be a fire. Okay. So I was like, no, no no no what what are you what are you doing and she said what and i said i deadbolted the door and she said so and i said we can't get in there and i go to kick the door down and she's like hey stop it let me go down she goes down to the fucking hey she's she could she's i'm i'm fuming like i'm

just so i'm like oh my god calvin's gonna be a fucking what if calvin starts crying and i gotta fucking i'll break the door i'll break this fucking door i'll crawl i'll do like the naked gun when when the place is on fire and i walk i'll go out the window i'll fucking go across the building and into the other window and she's gone for like five minutes she comes back up and she's like it's fine and i was like what do you mean it, they're gonna bring the guy up with the tool to do it, and I was like, oh, really, and she's like, yeah, dude, a fucking, a guy that looks like Lil Uzi Vert shows up with one of those fucking, what do you call them, the fucking big ass bolt cutters, they're so, it's so big, he's dragging, dude, it's bigger than the guy, and he's like,

which door, and I'm like, what, this one, and he's like, cool, opens it up, and just fucking, he practically has to, like, sit on it, just goes, gong, and the fucking ding, ding, ding, ding, he's like, all right, man, like, give me a fucking fist bump, and then just walked away dude the bolt was on the ground where are we just fucking now i can't deadbolt the door hopefully the fucking cleaning lady doesn't steal my baby we just it was a broke there's no way they fixed it it fixed it it there's no way they fixed it it dude fuck this hotel dude do not stay at the union station hotel in st louis it's awful it's also in a fucking shitty area dude it's like just there's better hotels what hotel you walk out there's nothing around dude except for fucking people playing loud music out of their cars dude and then and then we call enterprise dude this is so long but i don't give a fuck dude we call enterprise and

we're like hey we never got our car so what's the deal you didn't tell us that you guys close or whatever the fuck you know no shuttle and she's like oh well so sorry. I said, let me talk to the top person. Let me talk to the person who is high. You know who I want to talk to right now? Chuck Enterprise. That's who I want. Don't give me this fucking guy who picks up the phone, flumbling around.

Hello, Enterprise. This is probably Enterprise. Don't give me that guy. You know, these companies will start at the fucking person who operates the phone's wife you got to talk to him and she's like i don't really know um craig you work here right let me talk to the person top let me talk to the top boss of enterprise so another lady comes on hello oh i am so sorry to hear never got my car what do we do to fix it you know what i'm gonna have someone call you as soon as they get in on tuesday because it's a three-day weekend oops i'm sitting here Friday.

Right? I'm about to fucking put a finger in my ass just so something else is happening. So now, so now, I'm like, okay. And I'm happy because I know they're not going to call ever. Right? And I get to be more mad and I get to feel justified. And I'm happy because I know they're not going to call ever. Right. And I get to be more mad and I get to feel justified. And they never called. Yay. Enterprise.

Go fuck yourself. Enterprise. Enterprise. And fucking St. And the Union Station Hotel at St. Louis. Go fuck yourselves, dude. And then when we go to check out of the hotel.

Wait, what was the thing I got real mad at? At the end? What was the thing I got real mad at at the end, babe? Remember the thing at the end? Oh, the fucking fuck, dude. The day we turned, I got it. The day we, the day we, we check out, dude, we, we get up and we're like, you know, Calvin sleeps till like nine, dude, eight, we get up and we're like, you know, Calvin sleeps till like

nine, dude, eight o'clock in the fucking morning. The day we check out, check out is when, check out is when maybe, maybe 11. You can usually push it till two. If you're a degenerate, your boy is degenerate. Okay. But we woke up at eight 30. All right. Calvin's still sleeping. But before that, before we woke up at 830, knock on Calvin's door. It's eight. It's eight. Calvin starts crying. I say, what the fuck?

I open up the door, right? Because we didn't close it because I closed it this time. And I closed the right door and Calvin's fucking safe and sound. And then that door closes. And I'm like like who the fuck's knocking on Calvin's door then on my door I open up the door and I just I don't even know who it is and I said you woke the baby it's eight so now I'm so so now I'm just and even Kristen is like, you know, they're bad. You can, you can go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Born free. Go ahead. Born free. And I just do fucking thunder. I just do thunder, thunder, thunder cats. Give me the phone. Thundercats, give me the phone. What the fuck? Do it again. The third time I called, somebody picked up. But, but, but hotel.

Ear business. Was it that one guy that I met at the fucking beginning when we got there that night he's running around doing everything hello hi listen who can i talk to that's all the way up who can i talk to that's all the way up because i'm so sick of fucking key sweat comes in nobody nobody nobody's here at all nobody but me so she said well hold on let me get a manager that fucking music that always plays that fucking hold music

it makes you feel like you're in fucking reno or some shit and how i said dude this fucking excuse for a hotel and i'm swearing and i don't ever swear when it comes to customer service because i don't want them to have that over on me right i want that i want to be like the cool comp collected james bond motherfucker but fuck that dude that went out the window and now i'm a school teacher on her day off you understand now i'm a school teacher on Sunday. I'm letting my swear words fly out, dude. Thunder, thunder, thundercats. Ho!

And I say, this is what happened. And I'm just fucking... I'm saying it all, right? And you got fucking Keith Sweat here, and the fucking thing has happened, and nobody's fucking Keith Sweat, and the fucking, I had to turn into a thunder cat, you understand? And she said, fine. And I said at the end, oh, and I said, what can you do to make this right? And she said, well, we could give you free breakfast.

We're leaving. We're leaving. We're leaving. Why would we want free breakfast from a bullshit? By the way, when we checked out, getting the hotel online before we left, included in the package was free breakfast. So're gonna give us free free breakfast and i said what the fuck would i want free breakfast for i already have that shit here and she said oh okay sir and i said i can't oh and she was giving me attitude and i said i can't i can't believe i said i can't wait to blast you on my podcast. And she said, you can do that.

That's fine. And I hung up, dude. Lionel and Chitara, dude. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Yay, they also didn't clean the rooms.

They also didn't clean the rooms at all. And I fucking asked them about it. And they said, yeah, we don't do that. I said, why COVID? Guess what? Saturday and Sunday, they had fucking full weddings that were over 200 guests deep, dude. You can't. this is the worst thing that the hotel actually did. You can't bend COVID how you want it

to suit your pockets, you fucking assholes. Oh yeah, we won't hire fucking room, cleaning service, room service, or even a fucking bellhop after nightfall. But if you want to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to host fucking super spreaders, by all means. Every day on the weekend? Sure.

We don't care about health. We care about pockets, dude. That shit drove me nuts so so fuck enterprise and fuck that uh union station hotel in st louis dude they had a fucking she was like we booked it because there was an aquarium for calvin we went to the aquarium they had like fucking nine sting rays who gives a fuck i want room service fuck sting? I want room service. Fuck stingrays. I want room service. Fuck stingrays. I want my bags handled.

Anyway, dude, I'm done. I talked about that too long, but it was so... I needed to, dude, because I have therapy, and then I have this podcast, which is therapy. I got to come clean when I was a kid once I was in kindergarten and I like stole fucking six Legos

like literally six of them six Lego pieces I put them in my backpack and at dinner my mom was looking through my backpack. She said, what's these Legos? And I said, oh, the teacher gave them to me because she said I was a good student. Thinking quick on my feet.

Johnny thinks quick on his feet, you know, even as a young age. Johnny thinks quick on his little feet. She was like, really? And I said, yeah. And she said, that is so nice of her. And I felt it. You know what I mean?

It got me. It got me right here. It got me right here. Oh shit. She believes me. And someone else is getting credit for being a nice person when it didn't exist. And I was like, yep, yep, yep. Already in the lie.

Fuck it. I was waist deep. Let's do it. She said, wow, that's so cool. Later on, on the phone, I heard my mom say, and would you believe what Mrs. Whatever the fuck her name is did? I overhear her saying, and she gave him like six or seven Legos because he was a good boy. Isn't that so sweet? I felt it. I felt it right here. I was however old I was and I felt it right here. I was already fucking tits deep in the lie. You know?

Oh, fuck. So you know what I did the next day? I quietly went to school with those Legos in my backpack and I quietly slipped them back where they belonged. I lied for a day and I made it right and it never came clean. Never told my mommy about that

and I'm saying it right now on this podcast. Now, does she listen to this podcast? No. But you guys are assholes and you'll probably find her online and DM her

that I stole Legos once when I was six. So, that's it. I only stole that and a hat once from Rite Aid. And it was green, neon green, and white.

And those are the only things I stole. And I returned one. And the green hat I stole because I thought, if I put it on my head and walk out and the cashier doesn't say shit, then I deserve it. And I still kind of think that, actually. It was like $11. But I looked him right in the eyes and he said, anything else?

And I said, nope nope what the fuck it is it was his fucking like before monster energy drinks but it looked like that it was like a green and white zebra hat like neon green and i looked him with that fucking hat on i said nope that'll be all and he said all right and i walked out with that hat on i stole it those are the two things I stole. I'm one of them. Fuck, man. Now I want to talk about the funniest fucking, all right. There are a few videos online. I don't know if I'm going to laugh at this like I did when I first saw this. There are a few videos online that make me laugh so hard that I just can't.

Do you know what I mean? It's a good thing I was laying down in bed because I would have just crumpled. It got me so good. I posted it on my story. And I think it's from that THanks profile profile which is so funny man t dot hanks and uh on instagram and i post it and i post on my story and this fucking motherfucker dude this made me laugh so much here we go um

i'm gonna play it Here we go. Um. I'm gonna play it. What the fuck's with the lights? Oh, it's a... Ooh. Chocolate croissant. You only get one, so take one. Okay, two. You won't eat two, that's good.

Now you put your baloney finger on it. I like this one. No, it's just a croissant with chocolate chips in it. Why the fuck are you touching them all? I like this one better. They're all the same. No, they're not. We'll get it.

What? What is... Bro, what do you eat? What do you eat? bro when he when he oh this is so funny okay when he hold on the lights so hot already dude i didn't realize how he came in until I watched it about six times. He comes in. He comes in. He's already mad. What the fuck's with the lights? Just so mad already.

Like, it's probably his fault. He probably hid the wrong shit. Oh, shit, dude. Okay. And he comes in with a gift for, like, his daughters, you know. They look like they're in college but he brings a a and he said super dad you know what i mean and he said he wants so much credit when he says when he says

when he says when he says when he says he can't help how mad he is about the lights you know but he went in with an idea of, oh, I'm going to make my daughter's day. You know what I mean? And so he's quickly swallows the anger about the lights and says chocolate croissants. Right. Okay, do it. So that I love that already. So, okay. So, so here we go.

What the fuck's with the lights? You can't say. Chocolate croissants. Thanks, Sean. already so okay so so here we go what the fuck's with the lights chocolate croissant okay dude so then he opens it up dude by the way it's already opened like you already had one you know one of the doctors going and and he opens it up. You know, you can't open up those Kirkland fucking cellophane bullshits without being so bitch. Cause they're always so stuck together,

you know, and he's like, that's right. And it has to go his way. Do you know what I mean? That's my favorite part about this. It has to go his way. He needs to be doling them out, right?

He wants to save some for later. Whatever he's got in his head, it's deteriorating right now. He got through the first, what the fuck is wrong with the lights? Happy, got through it, and then his daughters just deteriorate him with their actions, dude. And it's amazing. Dude, it's. You only get one, so take one take one dude i'm making a rule already first of all there's fucking nine okay there's literally oh i actually think there's 12 in here

okay i can't really see but i think there's 12 chocolate croissants and i only get one so dude already set a rule there's 12 12 of them. You only get one. So just like, I hate to break it to you, but like, John Krakus signs, but also you only get one. Okay. So that's amazing, right? That he's setting the rule and then immediately daughter comes in, scoops up to with one hand.

All right. Now I can feel this guy's energy, dude. And the shit goes back to them. What the fuck is up with the lights? But twofold right because he already swallowed that he probably feels like he was like being a good person by letting the light thing slide so now she's taken two and i just said take one and she jumped on it too quickly i get this dude i get him man okay two you want to eat two that's good

dude okay two you won't eat two that's good like fuming dude fuming to say okay good good two okay okay i said one but you got two you won't eat two good dude fuming i gotta we gotta start it over dude this is the great fuck you if you don't like that Good Dude, fuming We gotta start it over Fuck you, if you don't like that I'm breaking this video down And you wish I was doing something else on this podcast No This is important This is what we need to be talking about Dude, this video is absolutely

Tragically Unbelievable Okay, let's start from the beginning again Yes Chocolate Christmas Tragically unbelievable Okay, let's start from the beginning again Yes! The lights Chocolate croissants You only get one, so take one Two, you won't eat two, that's good

Now you put your baloney finger on it What does he mean? This is so off the rails I don't even know what he means by baloney fingers. There's two things that he might mean, and each of them are better than the other one, all right? There's two things he might mean, all right? Now, he either means your fingers look like baloney, which is so shitty for a dad to say, all right? Or I think I like this one better dude i think i like this one better they ate bologna before this

and he doesn't want the taste of bologna on his croissant mighty, dude! I hope it's that, dude. Hahaha! Okay, hahaha! Dude! This is the greatest! Alright, dude, let's start it over, man! Fuck off! What the fuck's with the lights?

Hahaha! Dude! What the... What the fuck is wrong with the lights dude? He's so mad they're just watching a show! Yo! They're just watching a show and this guy comes in like a fucking hurricane

dude! And with chocolate! Like a chococasun hurricane dude! Holy fucking shit man! Oh fuck! We gotta start over, we gotta watch the whole thing through dude. What the fuck. We gotta start over. We gotta watch the whole thing through, dude. What the fuck's with the light? Chocolate croissant.

You only get one, so take one. Two. You won't eat two. That's good. Now you put your baloney finger on it. I like this one. No, it's just a croissant with chocolate chips in it. Why the fuck are you touching them all? I like this one better. They're all croissant with chocolate chips in it why the fuck are you touching them all i like this one better they're all the same no they're not we'll get it he says fuck off he says fuck off because the daughter fucking touched more than she should

this guy dude i'm watching this in the bed. The first, you think I'm laughing hard? No, the first time I saw this, I was crying, dude. Tears were coming up. I was rolling and rolling around. And Kristen said, she said I was laughing so much, dude. I laughed myself to sleep. The next morning, she woke up to the bed shaking

because I was thinking about this. It's not a joke dude she woke up because the bed was shaking because i was fucking woke up thinking well you got your baloney fingers dude okay so so fucking shit man but when i it, she says, you know why you think that this is so funny? And I said, why? And she said, because he is you, dude. And it made so much sense because I agree with this guy. I agree that this guy got the chocolate croissants and he needed, it should have went his way. This guy got the chocolate croissants and he needed, it should have went his way.

He was nice enough to bring the fucking chocolate croissants in for his fucking family. And they were touching them all and doing them how he didn't want to. They ate bologna beforehand and made the fucking chocolate flavored bologna shits. And the lights didn't work. This guy was being so nice, bringing his family 12 croissants. And his daughter came in just like, them all with baloney fingers, dude. Fucking up the lights and he pays the light bill. But isn't that something, man? That's just how life is.

I thought about this clip a lot after this. I thought about this clip a lot after this. And that's just how life is. You think you walk into a room whatever that room is and you got the fucking chunk of croissants and the people in there they don't give a fuck about how you feel about your chunk of croissants you know when you start a conversation with somebody and you're in the car and you're like when i see this motherfucker i'm gonna say this and then they're gonna say this and then i'm gonna

say that to that and then you get there and you're like hey i gotta talk to you about something and they're on the phone they're like hold on one second and you're like okay well wait this is not something i prepared for life comes at you dude everyone's not going to feel the same way you do about your chocolate croissants. And this video is the funniest. That's why this video is one of the funniest videos ever. Cause that's what everybody's doing when they go and they walk into a party or they walk into an establishment or they walk home or they fucking get into their new car or whatever the fuck it is. You're walking in there with some chocolate croissants, but there are other people in there and they don't feel that way about your fucking chocolate croissants. Oh, fuck.

And they want to put their heads all over the fucking chocolate croissants and the lights are all fucked up anyway. Anyway, when you walk in, it just, it doesn't go the way you think it is and that's it dude that's all i want to fucking say dude for fuck's sake this video still made me laugh that loud all right i will say we got new merch we got new merch and it's make friends in the comments uh and it's awesome and it's right here we're putting it on the screen and it's just so great man it's my favorite merch to date you can go chrislea.com and get that merch and uh and it's on dude. And that's, what's up. And it's, uh, and it's, uh, and it's great. So you can go get that merch, chrisalia.com. Uh, make friends and comments and it is limited.

Patreon got it first. If you want to sign up for a Patreon, you get extra episode a month, whatever, and all the other shit and you get, uh, first dibs on a lot of merch, uh, patreon.com slash chrisalia. But I don't want to end the episode yet. I want to say something about Norm MacDonald, um, because I didn't do it online. I didn't know if it was my place or not,

but I feel like this podcast is, you know, anything goes. Um, I met him once, uh, and I was struck how nice he was. Um,

just, we didn't even introduce each other to, to each other, but he was just talking to me like we already knew each other. And I love guys like that. I love guys that just are already talking to you like they know you. And it made me feel very comfortable. And I looked, I looked up to him and I still do, you know, he's passed and, um, it was a shock to the comedy world.

Nobody knew really that he was, uh, uh, struggling with cancer and he, you know, he, he eventually lost a battle, but I look at it like he beat it for nine years. Uh, cause, uh, you know, people don't do that, but the guy was truly funny. He was a, you know, he was a comics, comics, he was a comics comic, but he was one of those comics comic that just breaks through to also

the fucking, uh, the citizens and make them laugh just as much i mean the guy was just so special and it wasn't what it was like he had this rare mix of how of the things he said were funny and then also the way he said it was funny but also the moments in between when he was saying words, he made funny somehow. And it was like the pinnacle of a stand-up comedian. It was like, it was the words, the way you say it. And then sometimes you found yourself watching Norm Macdonald laughing at the pauses because of how absurd what he just said was or how you couldn't wait what he was going to say next or just why did he pause this way now he just was a true comic and he was

one of those guys that just had to be a comic you know and thank God he chose to do standup because he was great. I think he was one of the best to ever do it. And, you know, the other day we lost a legend. Um, and you know, it's weird, man, the times that we're going through now and how everything's so weird and people are dying and life is hard. Uh, I don't know, things like that hit me differently now. Um, and it makes me want to appreciate all the stuff that, um, he did, you know, uh, I, I went back

and I watched some of the stuff that just on YouTube and, but yeah, I think it's important to appreciate, appreciate Norm Macdonald. Um, and he is, he is great and he was great and he made me feel like I knew him and I appreciated that cause I've always looked up to him. So Norm MacDonald, rest in peace. And, uh, thanks for all you did and all the laughs. Um, and that's what we'll end the podcast on. What's up you guys. That's it for this episode of congratulations.

If you want to listen or watch the rest of the episode, go to my Patreon, which is patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And you get the rest of the episode. A lot of episodes are 15, 10, 15, 20 minutes longer. And you get all that footage that you get to if you sign up for my Patreon. And then also there's an extra episode a month. There's also another segment I do called Review review mode and i post behind the scenes stuff i also have other stuff there's another episode of with chris that i didn't post on the more crystalia youtube channel but anyway guys uh you get first dibs on merch a lot of stuff so go on over to crystalia.com

slash patreon.com slash crystalia and check it on out and if not we appreciate you anyway thanks for uh thanks for checking us out on YouTube. Bye, guys. Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations, motherfucking fuck! You scared the fuck out of me!

I'm a fucking motherfucker right here! I'm a motherfucking pop, you scared motherfuckers I'm a motherfucking pop, you scared motherfuckers