Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 213. Grumpin'

Episode Date: October 6, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord stuff & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris has some cute Calvin stories, some thoughts on the California Chicken Cafe and Phillz Coffee, and some QVC deals for y'all. Also, everyone has been grumpin' at some point in their life, even kings. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. What's up, my babies? And welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. What's up, my babies? And welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Hi, guys, and we are off and we are off.

And whether you're listening on Patreon or YouTube, we appreciate you. If you're on YouTube, thank you for the support. And if you're on Patreon, double thank you. That's patreon.com slash chrisdalia. And the thing is, the episode is longer. You get the rest of the episodes and you get an extra episode a month. But if not, dude, just fucking buckle up. And this is another episode of congratulations.

And I'm in it, dude. I got the fucking best merch that we've ever made over here at the log cabin. Make friends in the comments. This has got a nice design. It's embroidered here on my left chest right there. And it's good, man. We got a tan short sleeve. And I actually got them here, dude.

And we got it. This is like QVC. And we got a long pink sleeve, and I actually got them here, dude. And we got it. This is like QVC. And we got a long pink sleeve. Make friends in the comments here. And, Phil, can you tell us me the – this is the hoodie. It's mint green. Look at that. I can practically taste it.

I can practically taste it. But it's mint green. Make friends in the comments. It's just ready for fall for winter really well fall or winter you know and you can stack them you know i almost posted um i almost posted one and my friend was like now you got to post all three all together and i said why she said because it's a vibe because it's a vibe all together so make friends in the comments we have the comp with a link down on the on the youtube down there. And go ahead and make friends in those comments. Oh, he died.

There's always like somebody in the QVC that fucking, oh, he fell off a ladder. Okay, well, he's dead. So let's move on to ceramic angels. We've got plenty of them. We've got plenty of ceramic angels. Oh, another guy got stabbed by the angel wing. Okay, let's bring in. Let's bring in.

All good, dude. Tried to go trim my beard. Cause I trim my beard. I don't line it up. I'm not fucking, you know what I mean? I don't really give a shit. I'm not like a, an Armenian guy. I'm not a black guy. I'm not a, one of those white guys like John B. I don't line shit up. I let it grow and I take it down. I let it grow and I take it down. That's what I do. And I let it grow and I take it down. I let it grow and I take it down. That's what I do. And I let it grow and I was going to take it down. And I went upstairs to my bathroom when Ivan Getridov and Juan Fier got here to go trim out that fucking old beard. And I dropped it.

Yeah, dude. I dropped the fucking shaver and it broke. Is it all good? Yes, it is all good. But my beard's long, so you get the fucking grizzled look. You get the grizzly look, dude. And now here come the comments. Wow, Chris is looking gray and how, but it's because I didn't trim my beard. I didn't do it. And I don't die shit, dude. If I'm dying, I'm lying. So I'm not doing that. Okay. So what I'm doing is letting the beard

grow, dude. I'm 41 and I'm a tall drink of water and the beard is going to be long as shit too, you know? So that's what happened. So I didn't get to fucking trim it. I really wanted to trim it. And yeah, it's itchy. Is it itchy? And have I had a headache for four days? Yes, dude. So is shit uncomfortable? Yes. But is it okay? You know, it's fine. Are we going to get through it? Yes. But it's all fine. My lips are chapped in places they've never been chapped, but it's fine, dude. You got to keep going. You got to let life fucking hop in and take it for a ride. Man, we love it. You saw me wearing a fucking cowboy hat the last episode, dude. You know what I mean? So of course my lips are chapped. But yeah, I'm chilling, You know the past week has been okay It's been good um

You know stuff still kind of Feels like it's not really Popping yet because the pandemic Is still we're still doing it You know like uh and it's And it's really annoying you know I feel like The whole thing just uh Like I went to go

I was going to my therapy and I was early. So I was kind of hungry. So I pulled over to go to California chicken cafe is what it is. Now everyone says they love it. Everyone says they love it here in LA. Oh, you know what we could get? It's that place you always forget about. It's that place where it's like, oh, you know, we could get California chicken cafe.

And everyone goes like, Ooh, okay. I'll have that. And it's not just that it's user-friendly it's that it's the thing it's the dark horse people think it's the dark horse right like they'll be like oh let's go to that sandwich place or let's get that fucking thing tender greens let's go to that place where it has the oh nice you know um tofu or whatever the fuck in la but then somebody is like no i don't know and then somebody mentions california chicken cafe it's everywhere, but it is in LA and people go, now that's kind of the dark horse. I will get the California chicken cafe thing.

And what can you get there? You know, they like to be fucking raw. So there'll be like, yo, you can get the fucking half rotisserie chicken. Here we go. We just literally give it to you. We give you the shit. You want sauces? That's a different story.

Right. But nobody fucking only a lunatic would just like literally get a rotisserie chicken with no sides you know like you're some fucking king at the long end of a table just right eating the leg of it so i don't do that so i always get the uh the chicken wrap which is just kind of like my move you know and it's bad oh it's bad but i keep getting it but it's bad and i. It's bad, but I keep getting it, but it's bad. And I pride myself on always ordering the right thing. I do.

I do always like, except for the, nothing's worse than the guy, you go to a restaurant with a guy and they just get the wrong fucking thing, right? Like at Denny's, you go and you just get like, either like a turkey club or a scramble or like the moon's over my hammy don't like saying it but that's what it is right um but i was at denny's and like somebody

got fish once and you're just like oh you don't get it dude you don't get it fish at denny's oh dude why don't you just drive straight to the hospital instead why don't you just sit on the toilet while you're scarfing it down because Because that's where it's going immediately next. It's going to be like your fucking mouth is the upper end of your fucking asshole because you're just going to swallow it and fucking poof. Scarf it down. Every time I say scarf, which is not that often, I think of when I was a kid and my brother had a friend and my brother was eating lunch when he was a kid. And I guess he wasn't eating it too quickly. My brother takes a long time to eat for real. And his friend said, Matt, why aren't you scarfing down? And I always

think of that, dude. And over the years it became, why rent you scarfing down? Why rent you scarfing down? Anyway, you scarfing down? Anyway, dude, I went to California Chicken Cafe, got out of my car. They go, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? And I thought, well, what? This is life. This is life. What do you mean, what am I doing?

When somebody is just doing something normal, you don't say, what are you doing, right? If you're just standing, you don't say, hey, what are you doing? Unless you're trespassing in someone's backyard. But I wasn't. I checked the thing under my feet and it was a public sidewalk. And I looked up and I was outside California Chicken Cafe. And they said, what are you doing? And I said, what? And they said, well, what are you doing? And I said, I'm trying to order. And they said, are you here to pick up? I said, no. And they said, get in your car. And I didn't understand.

And I said, what's going on? And they said, well, here in the pandemic and the thing, and we're just because of COVID, we have more rules. And then I look behind me and there's a whole fucking slot of cars like just lined the fuck up on a street it's not like when you're at a fucking burger king and it's rolling around the intercom and shit and you go through the parking lot and twists and turns like you're in a street from san francisco this shit was a normal street it was like a lincoln boulevard all the way in venice and cars were just pulling over there There was no drive-thru. There were like two workers outside of the California chicken cafe with masks on and an iPad and like a podium. It looked like they were about to give a speech that mattered. And so I said, oh, get in the car.

They said, yeah, you can just get in the car and use this QRVC. What's the QRC, Q fucking code that everyone just, you know, they've been around forever, but now because of the pandemic, you just take the picture of it and the menu pops up on the phone. Right. So annoying. So I'm at the, like, go and order and then scream out from the car. And I'm like, okay, all right, fine. So now I'm like, well, I just want a chicken wrap. And they're like, well, in the car, I get in the car, they had chicken wrap. Okay. How long is it going to take? And they say, oh, it's going to take like 15 minutes. And I'm like, all right, cool. I'll just chill in my car. And then the lady just walked right out immediately and gave me the chicken wrap. What's going on, dude?

First of all, we're outside. We're outside. We're outside. We're outside. We're outside. outside we're outside we're outside we're outside you're not gonna get covid outside when you're just standing around not touching anyone because you're outside dude the germs die after they jump out of your mouth. They're not all just like. Who else? They don't do that, dude. They try, but they don't make it outside. Because they're germs, dude. Right? The wind takes the germs.

The germs are like this. And the wind comes and jumps like. Fuck it. And they die, dude. Because you're outside. They're up in the heavens. Literally they get scooped up into the clouds because germs, it's not, dude, if you throw a fucking Kleenex at somebody outside that Kleenex, Hey, what the fuck trying to get to the person,

but they can't cause it's outside and the Kleenex barely weighs anything. Do you know how much a germ weighs? Way less than a Kleenex. It's like one one hundredth of a Kleenex. So we're outside. So it's fine because we're outside. Okay. But also you got masks on. masks on you got masks on workers so me getting in the car that's literally like me being in outer space that's what's good nobody's getting this you got masks on and we're outside so i gotta get in the car and scream out yeah a chicken wrap that's fucking four out of ten can you put how much? And I'm like, well, I kind of want extra mayonnaise, but I don't want to make it. I'm in my, can you put me so I don't say it.

And then I get it. It's dry as shit, dude. I got the Sahara in my fucking mouth. And always spilling out too, dude. They don't make it right. They just, they don't wrap it right. It spills. You take one bite spills out.

I'm done, dude. I'm done. That's it. i'm done dude i'm done that's it i'm done if you make a thing where i bite one time and it splurts out the back i'm done dude looks like the fucking back of your of your rap busted a nut i'm out oh let me bite oh shit i must just bit into someone's asshole and that must be their kink because on the other side of that, they busted a nut.

But we're outside, dude. I saw a guy walking by his lonely while I was driving by. He had a mask on, walking by his lonely. Are you giving covid to yourself just take it off live a little bit dude everyone fucking walking in outside of places taking their masks off and looking like they're fucking like they just woke up sleeping on a waffle iron dude and i'm not political i don't give a shit and by the way i got the I got the vaccine, call me a sheep if you want, it's not even a fucking, it's just like a dude, it's not gonna,

it's fine, dude, it's fine, and then you go inside, and you get the guys who are talking close to you extra, because they want you to know that they don't believe that COVID, and you're just like, dude, just, can you back up just in case, yeah, yeah, yeah, but anyway, so California, so chicken, California chicken, what the fuck, I don but anyway So California So chicken, California chicken What the fuck, I don't remember what it's called But anyway, it looks nice And it has some good stuff And the fucking broccoli, the pasta with the broccoli in it

Is banging, dude It's so banging But it's like, dude, don't get the fucking chicken wrap, man They don't put the ratios You know what it is? The ratios aren't right The ratios ain't right, dude And when I go and I eat food, the ratio has got to be goddamn right. And I'm good at ordering too. I'm like one of the best orderers around. I swear to God too. All my friends know it. We go out, we go to eat and they're like, what are you going to get Chris?

And I'm like, well, let me look at the menu. Oh, the chicken sandwich. Cause it comes with fucking avocado and mayonnaise and it's got crispy bacon on it. Oh shit. Well, you know what? Nevermind. I'm going to get this. They get it. And then they watch me eat it.

Like they're fucking Oliver twist. And I'm like, well, you should order right, dude. I don't know what you're doing sitting there with the white fish. Right? So if you know that I'm like a number one order and I come and I get

the shit and then the ratios are all off and the shit's fucking coming out the backside, then dude, what are we talking about here? I'm the fucking Steven Spielberg of ordering. And it's like, fucking, I got to sit there and watch biodome. So that happened. These places just don't know what to do during COVID. I don't want to talk about COVID, but I went to Phil's Coffee too, which by the way, let me tell you right now, the Phil's Coffee, Phil's with a Z, don't like it. Coffee, it's good. The Phil's Coffee is good, dude. Phil's Coffee is fucking good.

It's really good. I drink it and I go like this. Now that's what coffee should be like. But why don't I go there a lot? Well, let's backtrack. Let's think about it. Let's go to the past episodes oftrack. Let's think about it. Let's go to the past episodes of congratulations when I've talked about coffee. What do I like about coffee? I like iced Americanos. What's that? Keyword iced. I drink a lot of iced coffee. Well,

what do you do with an iced coffee? Well, you pour it in a cup. Well, what kind of cup? A plastic one? Yeah. Is it see-through? Well, Phyllis, what's going on with that brown cup? I got a question for you. What's going on with that brown cup? You got a question for you. What's going on with that brown cup? You put wet, cold liquid in a brown recyclable cup. What happens to that cup? It becomes a fucking sponge. And it fucking gets all, you know what I mean? Get out of here, dude.

If I can't see it, if it's iced and I can't see it, it's no, no. And then you give me what? A paper straw? Fuck turtles. A paper straw in that cup. No, I'm not doing it, but your coffee's banging. So I hope you figure it out. And God forbid you give me a dome lid, dude. Why don't you just fucking poke my anus, a dome lid. And there's no whipped cream around, whatever. I don't want to, but the thing is, so I ordered it and they don't have it. And I say, Hey, can I get a four shots over ice? I said, we don't have an espresso machine. And it's like, okay, you're a coffee

place. And they say, I say, do you have cold brew? And they said, we have cold brew. I said, good. I get cold brew. And they gave me the fucking Brown recyclable cup. I don't even know if it was recyclable or not, but it was a Brown cup dude. And I'm there drinking coffee and I'm trying to make the best of it. And this guy, he's actually an individual. This guy comes in and he was like, Hey man, is that your car? Oh dude, this is actually hilarious. He came in, he's like, hey man, is that your car out in the back? And I go, great, someone hit it. Don't do that. He just comes in and says, hey, is that your car out in the back? And I go, oh yeah, did someone hit it? And he said, oh no, I love it. I love it. And my friend is in the market

to try and buy one. Would you ever wonder about selling it? And I was like, well, I don't know, man. You know, I don't know. He's like, well, I love cars and this and that. And then he starts talking about, you know, do you mind if I ask you what I do? And I say, oh, I'm a comedian. He said, oh, really? Oh, I love comedy. I said, yeah.

And he said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mitch Hedberg is my favorite. I was like, Mitch Hedberg was a great comedian. He said, uh-huh, it's great. And he started talking about Joe Rogan. And that's fine because everybody talks about Joe Rogan every freaking single second of every day, right? Ever since two years ago, everyone's talked about Joe Rogan every single second of every day of all time. And that's fine because everybody talks about Joe Rogan every freaking single second of every day. Right? Ever since two years ago, everyone's talked about Joe Rogan every single second of every day of all time.

And that's fine. But he's mentioned Joe Rogan. I'm like, very cool. Very cool. That's awesome. And then he starts talking about, he says, you know who one of my favorite comedians are that I wish was more well-known? And I said, who? He said, Brian Callahan.

And I said, huh? And he said, Brian Callahan. And I said, do? And he said, Brian Callahan. And I said, do you mean Brian Callan? And he said, yup. And I said, oh yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. He's great. And he said, yeah. Do you know him? And I said, uh, yeah, yeah, I know him very, very well. He said, really? I said, yup. He said, well, you know what you should do? Do you know who Brendan Schaub is? And I said, yeah. And he said, you should go on Fighter and the Kid. And I was like, hey, man, are you fucking mental? How do you know who they are and don't know who I am?

He said, you should ask Brendan for tickets to the next UF's. Hold up. Let me end myself. How the fuck do you know who Brian Callen is and you don't know who I am? Dude, D'Elia, wake up, Carl. Straight up fucking, straight up fucking. What was I going to say? God damn it.

I don't know. We're moving down. And I was like, yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, okay. I was like, thought he was fucking with me. Dude, fighter and... Dude, fighter... Dude, fighter and the kid, dude.

I was guest of the year fucking twice in a row the first time it was fixed. We're moving up! Brian Callahan? Ah! So sad! Dude! So anyway dude, I was like this guy just came in all fucking sorts of crazy shit um i don't know man

uh but yeah so anyway fucking that happened and i'm sitting there with a paper straw trying to fucking keep it erect and shit but it's all like bucking around and squeezing my fucking nerf coffee drink and i'm just like no oh yeah well yeah no i've done i've done it before i just uh oh fuck dude and so anyway so that happened and then fucking between that and the california pizza california chicken cafe it's like just figure it out dude just figure it out this is the shit i talk about now though dude because because kristen was like when we went to fucking uh uh st louis she heard the podcast and she was like dude that was great She's like it's awesome when like you go And you do shit and then you talk about shit

On the podcast and I'm like yeah I get it You know I haven't been on the road I'm just chilling Um And so now I'm talking about driving To fucking chicken pizza cafe Dude I don't know if you have a place called California pizza kitchen don't have a place called California chicken cafe dude

Um But I was fucking uh out one night i did a spot this was last week i did a spot and i came home late and uh and i came home late and i was coming home she was like i was texting kristen and i was like i'll be home in a little bit i was like one and she was like dude this is so funny she was like yeah um she was like i i was like is everything cool because she was like texting me like k and yes and fine and and like this is very unlike her you know and i was like is everything cool or what and she was like well she was like yeah i'm trying not to text because okay i'm gonna come clean i'm gonna let you know right now uh calvin's in the bed with me and i was oh, son of a bitch.

She was trying so hard to do it. She tried to talk me into it so much. Can we take Calvin out of the crib and fucking sleep with him in the bed in between us? And I would always say no. And the fucking second I'm home late, she goes in, scoops him up, comes in. And she's like, and we have a perfect little angel boy. He didn't even wake up. And I went, wow.

But now guess what? Your boy has to get ready like he's fucking Ace Ventura looking for the fucking dolphin in the movie. Right. I got to be really, really secretive when I come home and I got to undress downstairs, come up naked with my fucking boxers on, and then just, you know, already take my contacts out on the stairs up, sneak into the door without the fucking dogs making any noise and not wake Calvin up, sneak into bed and just be like, good night. And then sleep well with a toddler next to me and not worry about bumping them. Okay. So there's a lot of shit going on. It's like this

motherfucker, but it's cute. She tried to pull a fast one on me and she did. And it's fine. And it's cute. And you know me, I fucking I'm Johnny rolls with the punches at this point, man. I've been to so much therapy. I barely get mad. I get mad daily, but I johnny rolls with the punches at this point man i've been to so much therapy i barely get mad i get mad daily but i'm johnny rolls with the punches but i still get mad johnny still gets mad but also johnny rolls with the punches right so i'm rolling with punches but also still kind of feeling my anger so i'm like all right all right cool cool cool i take my phone dimness down right because i don't even want shit brighten it up i got motherfuckers that text all hours of the night. Cause I'm friends with comedians.

You know, I'll get a text at three o'clock. Like it's fucking two 30 PM. And like, Hey, what's up? You know what I mean? By one of my comedian friends. Hey dude, they'll just ask me some sort of thing. You ever see the fucking episode of this? When that happened at fucking three 30 AM.

Why? Cause friends with comics, right? That's some shit you text at noon or five after work. But, um, so I get in my, uh, in the house and, oh, this is so fucking funny. I get in the house and I show up

into my, into the room. And I know Calvin and Kristen are in the room and I already have my contacts out. I can barely see. I'm like trying to fucking, you know, open the door really. She's like, I'm going to get Chen's because Chen's is always the motherfucker, right? She's like, I'm going to hold Chen's just come in and let me know. And so I fucking walk in, I don't hear Chen's and I hear Cooper like guard dogging it up all of a sudden. The fucking dog never guarded shit.

And now all of a sudden he's guard dogging it up. And I hear cow go. And I'm like, fuck, we're fucked. We're fucked. Congratulations. We're fucked. Yeah. Yeah.

We're fucked. We've been straight up living a beautiful life with this child. Just sleeping 13 hours a night from 8 p.m. to 9 a.m. And this is going to start where it's fucked, right? Right in the terrible twos. This is when terrible twos are literally going to start. I thought Cooper was just going to bark the terrible twos into him. And Calvin just come.

So I get into bed and I get into bed and Calvin does this thing when he's tired, but can't sleep where he's just like sucking his thumb. And then all of a sudden he'll post up and just sit up and then he'll go back down and then he'll just post up, sit up and then go back down. And sometimes he does it until he falls asleep in the crib and it only lasts like 10 minutes. So I'm doing that and he's doing it. So he's doing that this time, but he's doing it for over an hour. And Kristen and I, you know, my heat level's rising, right?

But, but also Johnny rolls with the punches, you know? So my heat level's rising, but I can't be like, because then Calvin would be like, oh mama and dad, what's going on? Is it time to wake up? So I'm just like, so i'm like keeping it cool right but it's also kind of funny because calvin's in the middle of the fucking bed we've never

done this before and he's in his sleep sack and shit and he bonked his head once like it was just all cute so he i feel a movement i turn around i'm like maybe my face is distracting him or something i turn around around and I, you know, I give him my back and then he, I feel something and then I feel nothing for a while. And I'm like, what is he doing? You know, he's been too still for a while. And I look over slowly and dude is just sitting up looking right at me, just sitting up looking at me.

Like if I didn't know my own son, I would have thought he was possessed, but he's just sitting looking at me and I roll over to him. So now my chest is facing him and he takes his fucking elbow, leans on my chest like this. And I swear to God, it's really dark, but I swear he's holding his own hand. It's like, he's looking at me like he owns an advertisement firm and he's his elbows on me. And it looks like he's about to say, Hey, how you doing? So he's doing that. And I'm just sitting there while his elbow is on me. Right. And he's just looking at me we're both making eye contact for many seconds dude just

not blinking making eye contact nobody says anything and he's just staring on me lounging just looking right at me like he's about to say hey how you doing and i just wait i'm like how is this going to play out seconds many seconds by. And then he releases his hand from his other hand. And then he just takes his finger, goes like this onto me. And this is what he does. Takes his finger, goes like this, touching right inside my eye. Okay. It's not hard, but he's just touching right inside my eye. My eyes closed. My other one's open, He's just touching right inside my eyes closed. My other one's open, but he's pressing my eyelid, right?

He does that for about four or five seconds. And then he says, just like this, he says, eyeball. Dude, it was fucking, he just is lounging on me, pokes my eyeball and goes, eyeball. I laughed so fucking hard. Then he started laughing and then it was it. That was it. He was awake for another and, and Kristen would just be like, just give me five more minutes. Just give me five more minutes. And now ever since that night, he sees eyeball, eyeball.

If somebody's fucking, if, if, if a cartoon comes on with big eyes, eyeball, eyeball, eyeball. I ask him where his eyeballs are. He'll go, he'll just start blinking. Just poking people's eyes. Eyeball. Dude, it was so cute, dude. And then we had to put him back in the crib because like, he was like, he bonked his head once. And I was like, no, don't bonk your head.

And they just got up and just started bonking his head against the headboard. He did it four times, laughing hard as as shit laughing hard and bonking hard so i'm like this kid's gonna get brain damage and shit we got to put him in the crib and so she did she's like you want to do it i was like fuck that you took him out you do it she was like okay and then she did and then he went to sleep and then the next day he woke up and everything was great the terrible dudes didn't even start so it's all good it's all good. It's all good. We've been watching love on the spectrum, dude.

I love these dudes on love and spectrum. I love these chicks on love in the spectrum. They're all so, so sweet, dude. The guy's back. The guy is back. It's about, uh,

all the people who have autism and dating. And, you know, at first you're like, are they going to be making fun of them? Cause that's fucked up, but they don't do it These people are just lovely

And the guy Mike the main guy in it is just like Dude he makes so many Thomas the Tank Engine faces That it's so fucking cute Like some girl will be like I don't have a TV And he'll be like You know That sucks And uh But it's so fucking cute and I think that they're finding love That sucks.

But it's so fucking cute. And I think that they're finding love. And I love that, dude. Everybody just wants love, you know? I wonder, like some people just are fucking alone their whole life. That's crazy, right? Like I have friends that are just like 60 that just never did that. And they're just chilling.

And some of these dudes with autism and these chicks with autisms are, are, are, are meeting, are just meeting up and falling in love with each other. And that's beautiful. They want love so bad. It's so interesting how much they talk about, like, I would love, this is the one guy that's just like, I would love to have a girlfriend. I want a girlfriend so bad. Like the mom's like, what do you think about, like, what do you think she'll be like? And he said, maybe she'll be a lovely lady. And I'm just like, God damn, you know, we're doing it all wrong. I mean, not, you know, you know, not me because I have a fucking great fiance and shit and

a beautiful son, but like, you know, I did it wrong for a while, but people do it wrong, man. You get caught up in all the, what do I want? and shit and a beautiful son. But like, you know, I did it wrong for a while, but people do it wrong, man. You get caught up in all the, what do I want? What do I need? When you don't see it, when it's right there in your fucking face, dude. And all you need is a beautiful, lovely lady. These dudes are showing up, bringing flowers

and shit to the girl. I have you, I have a gift for you. Here's flowers with a picnic basket. You ever show up for a fucking date with a picnic basket? Dude, not me. I haven't ever even been to a park. I've been to a park, but it's just like, you know,

sandwiches and shit. Just such beautiful, like, connections with these people. Would you like more? Yes, I would. Great. That sounds amazing like just awesome fucking love you know so love on the spectrum that's that's out and that's a season two um the thing i love about uh love on the spectrum should have fucking said this earlier is um they're so specific like the thing about the thing that's ruining everything is

nothing is specific anymore do you understand what i saying? Like they're trying to do this with comedy. Like people were talking to me. I saw this very funny sketch on TikTok the other day and it was comedy, but it was really like off color. And people in the comments were like, fuck that, that's not funny. This is shitty.

This is terrible. And it's like, I was thinking about like, there's no way that this would ever be on something like Comedy Central or TBS or fucking Fox or whatever the fuck. It would just never be on ABC. It would never be anywhere. And it really, oh, and they kept taking it down off of TikTok. So people were like, comedy doesn't exist anymore.

Like other people were saying like, fuck this. It's funny. Comedy doesn't even exist anymore. And it does exist. It's just harder to find. It's on the internet, right? There are people out there that are really doing comedy but it's harder to find you know it's not on comedy central because they're fucking owned by viacom and viacom is like well let's not mention

anything that's off color okay and i get that and that doesn't mean it can't be funny there's funny shit on comedy central but there's a lot of stuff that falls through the cracks that is funny because it's offensive and they won't put it on when, whereas 20 years ago they would have. Look at the Dave Chappelle show. Look at that kind of shit. Look at In Living Color. Look at all the other shows that have been on that were fucking hilarious that would just never be on the fucking show, never be on TV anymore. But comedy does exist and it's in the depths of the internet.

And sometimes it gets kicked off as shit like TikTok, Instagram or whatever the fuck because there's too much. YouTube seems to still have it. Thank you, your boy. But it's there somewhere. It's not only relegated to like 8chan or the dark web yet. It's not. It might be, but it's not. It exists. But my point is that shit is specific. And I love specific shit. And I love when shit is specific because I was talking about this with, uh, Kristen, she loves target. And she's like, why do you hate target so much? And I said, because you can go there and just get lost. You don't go there for a specific thing. You, I said, why do you go to target? She's like, well, I go and I fucking look, I go to the different thing. I shop around. No, that's it. I don't want to go there.

I want to go for a thing, right? RadioShack, that existed. You would go for a VCR. Noah's Bagels. I know what I'm getting, right? Starbucks used to be specific. Now it's McDonald's. They've got an Egg McMuffin.

They've got different drinks. You can get fucking snacks. You can get sandwiches. No, I want to go to a place that bangs out the motherfucking coffee that's what I want don't give me other extra shit I get it you do it because you want your pockets all lumped up

I get it CEO but when you're not specific you're failing at all of the things it's like a jack-of-all-trades master of none you go to Target you go to Walg, master of none. You go to Target, you go to Walgreens, you go to Walmart, you go to all these places. But what are the shit? The bodega shops, the mom and pop shops, right? Boot barn. You go, you get boots. Pretty soon, you're going to go to a fucking boot barn and they're going to be like, oh, by the way,

how did you want your sandwich? And you're like, what's going on? They're like, well, we just sell everything because it's fucking largely profitable. Everything is becoming the same thing. Instagram is becoming TikTok. TikTok's becoming Snapchat. I mean, dude, they got fucking Instagram is literally Facebook now. Everything is becoming the same thing. There's nothing to distinguish other shit from other shit. As a matter of fact, nothing to distinguish other shit from other shit. As a matter of fact, black people, white people, Asians,

they're all the shit. They're all the shit. They're all the shit. Everyone's fucking, and they're all going to be mixed race. Everything's becoming the same thing. Everything is becoming the same fucking thing. Pretty soon, we're going to have only mixed race people shopping at every place,

and every place is going to be McDonald's. That's what it's going to be. And there's nothing we can do to fight that. There will still be those outsiders, those outliers rather, that are just searching for that fucking real comedy. That one guy behind a microphone screaming about some shit that either used to be or that he's trying to hold on to this thought that he's trying to hold on to but we're just fucking doomed dude that's it there's a fucking uh a place that

sells a umami burger they sell fucking sushi and burgers dude they sell sushi and burgers pick one and knock it out the park. Guess what? If you sell sushi and burgers, guess what are two things that suck in your restaurant? Correct. You got it right. I don't even

have to say it. The Chinese started with their fucking Chinese food and donuts, dude. In La Cunada, when I was coming up on the fucking mean streets of La Cunada, dude, I'd drive by every day. I'd see Chinese food and donuts. And I would think, wow, who the fuck would go there?

Guess what? Everybody. And now every place is the same. Dude, you can buy meatballs at Ikea. Case in point. It's all the same thing, dude. When there wasn't the internet, and I'm not fucking being the guy that's like,

I wish we were going back to old times. I don't even wish that. It's happening the way it's going to happen. I'm not the guy, look, I do want to get a log cabin eventually with my cult and just grow and build out there, but it's not like we're not going to have iPhones.

It's not like we're going to pop into a fucking coffee bean and tea leaf. There's one going to be right next door that we built as well. But it's true, man. Everything's becoming the same thing, dude. When I go to the mall,

I go to the mall because I'm going to a specific store in the mall. I don't go to the mall, I go to the mall because I'm going to a specific store in the mall. I don't go to the mall. Right? That's it. You know? It's happening with video games too.

It's happening with everything, man. I've been on Twitch a lot. You know, Flex Avenue, follow me there. But we have fun, man. I'm on Red Dead Redemption. I like that game. It's real specific. But it's also just like every other open world game.

You know, you're out there in fucking open world. You're just wandering around. This is just real life. Basically, now not only is fucking life going to be everything in life going to be like everything, but now everything in video games in the virtual world is going to be like real life. Everything is the fucking same. Real comedy is out there.

I don't like that. I don't like it. Oh, you kids. This whole thing. Oh, you can't say this anymore. You don't like that i don't like with all your kids this whole thing like oh you can't say this anymore you can't say that anymore oh fucking that's not it's that's not funny anymore you can say whatever you want there's just enough people out there that are going to be so annoying to you about how you shouldn't say it because they're people with voices too honestly just fuck everyone everyone just up. Everyone who has an opinion, stop it. Just stop it. You don't need to. Right? Do you have to fucking sound off about everything? I guess you do. I guess you do. I guess you fucking do, man. You know? I don't know. People take it so seriously. That's what

it is. You know, like I was bitching and moaning about the fucking st louis uh hotel and i was like nobody go there but i was just joking i don't care fucking go if you want it's got an aquarium you know you can pet the stingrays calvin did it and people were like oh he's trying to fucking call out the thing it's like bro dude shut the fuck now this guy's on me nobody can do do anything. That's why I just shut it down, dude. I don't even fucking have some of the social media outlets anymore because I just don't want to fucking look. I almost looked at fucking Twitter the other day just for shits and giggles.

I wanted to see what was trending and I just guessed and I was probably right, dude. I was probably right. You know, it was probably fucking something Joe Rogan said something that fucking, uh, uh, uh,

something about Gary Petito. And then it was probably something else. Somebody else got arrested or something. That's all. That's all that was. And then something that fucking, uh, uh, uh, something about Gally Petito. And then it was probably something else. Somebody else got arrested or something. That's all. That's all it was. And then something that was, it was probably whatever day it was. National fucking computer day or whatever the hell it was. I'm done, dude.

I used to not understand why people would want to unplug because it took us so many years to build this shit. But bro, I get it now, man. I get it now. You just want to unplug sometimes sometimes everyone's addicted to their phones and i am too calvin grabbed his fucking uh calvin grabbed his um what do you call it i'm we're at the point where we're trying to guess at what he means always. Like sometimes we can hear it, like what he's saying and like, make it out. Like, like, like, okay. Like take it this like, okay. Truck and shark. Those don't sound alike, but to him, truck is tuck and shark is tuck. There's a difference there. Okay. I can tell

because I'm his dad. And by the way, you wouldn't even be able to tell if he was just like tuck and there were no trucks around and you didn't know him because you'd be like, I don't know what he's saying, but I do. It's truck because he sees truck usually. And I'll go tuck. Right. But today, but he also hears words that are not just by me or Kristen.

They'll be like on TV or something like that. And his mom uses the fucking Apple TV. Kristen uses the Apple TV thing to be like search holiday decor. She'll do it like that, you know, and then it'll come up and she'll just click on it. And I don't know what she said the other day, but he heard something on TV and he was going Goku, Goku, Goku. And he was fucking, he had the thing kristen was in her fucking zoom class in the other room and he was just like goko goko goko with the fucking apple remote just goko screaming

in the apple remote and i'm like dude i don't know what you're saying and he's like goko and he's just screaming crying goko like to me and i fucking popped my head and i'm like babe what the fuck does goko mean and she's like what and, what does Goko mean? Did you show him something about Goko? And she's like, I don't have a clue. And I'm like, I don't know what the fuck he's saying. He's just screaming, crying about Goko. He's like, well, can you get him to stop? I'm like in the middle of school and it's really distracting. And I'm like, well,

did you fucking show him Goko or not? And she's like, no. So I'm like, okay. So I'm like, I don't know what he's saying. And then when she got out of the room, we were like, oh fuck, I think he means Coco. Coco Melon. He's watching this think he means Coco. Coco Melon. He's watching this fucking creepy-ass show, Coco Melon. We're like the kid. We're like, it's like so creepy.

I think it's on Netflix. But it's always like fucking, I am the kid and you are the stupid dumb parent. And the kid's just like grabbing mustard and he takes the mustard and the dad's like, I'll do it, son. And they'll grab the mustard and it'll just go fucking and squeeze all over

the dad's chest. And the dad's like, oops, I can't handle the mustard. And the kids and the mom's like, daddy can't handle the mustard. Because the dad's always the dumbest one in the family because if not,

then your fucking show is problematic, right? In kids like you got to teach like every commercial the dad's like well i don't know what i'm doing and then he shits on the fucking linoleum floor and the mom's like you's glad and the kid's like, Dad, I can't have my friends over tonight, I guess. Why? And he's just like, why? Just with two missing teeth. And the kid's like, because you shit all over the linoleum floor. Glad. We're tougher on fucking shit.

If you have to take out the trash, we're tougher now. Every fucking commercial, the dad will come in. Hey, guys. How do you make life work? And they're like, you need to be on a diet, you fat fuck. All right, what did I do? Slim fast. All right, what did I do?

Slimfast. Give us one week if you're not a man, and if you're a dad, it'll take you nine months because you're fucking dumb. Slimfast. Hello? Pretty soon there's just going to be a commercial and it's just going to be a fucking dad a fat fuck dad and he's just going to be pissing and shitting in like a fucking museum and someone's going to be like hey and they're going to arrest him and it's going to be like tied tougher on stains sorry

oh man Sorry. Oh, man. Nothing's for dads, dude. Dads are just dumb as fuck. It's so hot right now to make fun of dads. I got a fucking son. I'm a dad. I guess I'm dumb as fuck too, though.

Fuck it. You know, I don't know where shit is. I ask Kristen where where things are all the time she tells me and then i ask again i guess whatever dude whatever is it relatable i don't know man i don't even give a shit i don't know man like i was i did a joke like i was going into the shower and kristin was in the back was in the bathroom watching me or we were just having a conversation. It sounds creepy, but we were having a conversation and she was, and I was like walking in the bathroom and walking into the shower and she, and I was like, Hey, could you get me some soap?

And she's like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was like, what? And she was like, you weren't even in the shower yet. And you asked for soap because you ran out. Why don't you get the soap first before you go into the shower? I was like, I don't know. I was already on my way in and I started laughing and she started laughing. I was like, well, I don't even know where the soap is. And she's like, yes, you fucking do. And I was like, no, I don't. She was like, where do you

think it is? And I looked under my sink and sure enough, the fucking soap was right there. But like, that's where I am. That's the level of person I am. I think I don't know where it is. And also I'm on my way already. So can you grab it? That's the kind of guy i am and i think that that's just dad shit you know and i was like well babe i don't know man i just i knew you knew where it was and like i just didn't know where it was and i i just i figured you were in the bathroom it wouldn't be that big of a deal oh and then i was like and then babe you got dude she does this thing where she just uses my toothbrush dude she just uses it i've got the pink and purple fucking toothbrush. I've told her the problem is, dude, she'll be like, Hey, which toothbrush is yours? And I'll be like the pink and purple one. So don't use it. She'll have a blue one, right? And they're both cold colors, but whatever. It doesn't matter. I got the pink and purple one. She's got the blue one. So she's using the blue one and I'm using the pink and purple one. Every time I'm using the pink and purple one. And then in like three days, she'll come up with a new toothbrush and it'll be like fucking purple and orange.

And I'm like, it's too close. So she'll get rid of her fucking blue one. And now there's a purple and orange one and a purple and pink one. And sure as shit, the next week I look and the toothbrush is a switch places. And I'm, and I'm second guessing myself. I'm like, is mine the orange one or not? I feel them. And then the orange one the orange one is like it feels a little wet she got up before i did maybe she used the orange one i'll use the pink one and i don't even remember that the pink one was mine originally in the first place so i said sweetheart you gotta stop using my toothbrush and she's like well babe i don't know which one it is you always get a new toothbrush and i said i'm always gonna do toothbrush because you always end up using all of them i'm trying to she's like

why does it matter and i was like it just'm trying to she's like why does it matter and i was like it just does dude and she's like we both drink out of the same stuff we kiss what the fuck what's it matter i was like i know it's just gross to me for some reason i know we're basically the same person but it's just gross don't use my toothbrush and she was like well you know why it's not important and i said it's important to me and she said of course she did the thing that she of course she's gonna do which i knew it was coming it was locked and loaded but she said well why are the things that are important to me you don't do like keeping the house tidy i said keeping the house tidy is fucking hard and that was my point but switching toothbrushes isn't hard

and she was like exactly it's hard so i have to do it you fucking leave this shit all around and it's hard and you make me do it? And she fucking got me, goddamn shit ass. She got me. We're both lawyers, and she got me. She just goes, I rest my case. She might as well have said, I fucking rest my case, dude. I used her tooth. I used the toothbrush again.

Well, you know, it's like, and then I was like, I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. This is the kind of guy I am. I'm going to go out and I'm going to get a toothbrush. I'm going to show her. I'm going to show her the business. I'm going to give her the fucking business. I'm going to go out. I'm going to get a toothbrush. I'm going to show her, I'm going to show her the business. I'm going to give her the fucking business. I'm going to go out.

I'm going to get fucking 10 toothbrushes. I'm going to say they're all mine. And I'm going to write my fucking name on them. I'm going to band them all together. They're all going to be mine. And you can't have one. You can't have one. And she was going to be, you know, on the defense about it.

I knew it was when I came home, I was going to say, these are my 10 toothbrushes. You can't have one. And I knew she was going to be like, okay, cool. Fine. I'll just use mine. It doesn't matter to me. And then I knew the day was going to come where she was going to be like, I can't find my toothbrush. Can I use one of your 10? And I couldn't wait for that day. I couldn't wait for that day. Cause I was going to be like, no, because do you remember?

And she was gonna be like, well, that's not really what you said. And then I was going to pull up a recording cause I was going to record it anyway. And I was going to record the conversation. I'm going to say, what about this conversation that we had there? You admitted that you weren't going to take one of my 10 toothbrushes. i had the whole fucking plan and i went out and i got a coffee and i was going to go to write it afterwards and i forgot i forgot that's the kind of guy i am i forgot i forgot so now i still have the fucking toothbrushes in those things they're both switched around and they're both hers and i gotta brush my teeth with her and i toothbrush we have a fucking community toothbrush great we're a family and we have fucking

three toothbrushes, me, Calvin's and hers and she's used Calvin's too and we've all used each of our three toothbrushes. So that's the kind of, I fucking just, nothing is important and everything is important. That's the thing. Please don't use my toothbrush. It really means something to me. Oh, does it? Yeah. Well then I'm going to go do that thing. I'm going to go to Rite Aid,

get 10 toothbrushes, went and got coffee, forgot to do it, came home. So everything is important and nothing is important. And that's the kind of fucking thing it is. That's the kind of life I live. I'm just a dumb dad. I'm basically that dad in that GLAAD commercial that comes in, shits on the floor, and everyone's just like, Dad, you just let diarrhea leak down your fucking calves. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm loving it. I'm a dad. Come on down to McDonald's. It doesn't matter that you're a dad with a leaky anus and fucking let diarrhea shit all over your calves and get in your socks. We've got a new quarter pounder for half the price. Come on in. Da-da-da-da-ya.

I leaked all over. Dad, I'm loving it. I could sing, dude. Hove. God, I wish Jay-Z did that when he shit Dude isn't it so funny to think You ever have one of those fucking number twos Where you're just like and you can't help it

Dude everyone's done that Jay-Z's done it How funny is that Jay-Z's been on the toilet Literally like this before In the past fucking few years Like 40 year old Jay-Z's literally been on the toilet Just like You know what I mean Just like

Just body convulsing With his fucking aim So hard that he's almost throwing up And that's the dude that was like Jumped out like yeah who the fuck you with And he's been on the toilet just like. Rick Ross has been on the toilet just like, you know, just being on the toilet so hard, just in his fucking palace, just with his sword outside of the room. Just like, that's so funny, dude.

Everyone's always shit. Everyone's always fucking shit and fell down and tripped too. That's why there's no Batman in real life. That's why there's no Batman. You know that. Because people trip and fall and take shits and diarrheas and fucking Batman can't do that. That's the only reason why there's no Batman. Not because it's too hard to fucking

thwart all of the villains. Because you need to trip and fall and do dookie sometimes. That's why. That wouldn't be the same if it was a fucking... And then Batman's just sitting on the toilet. I'll be right there. Joker just running away

with all the loot and Batman just still just fucking still just half the suit on with the mask off. Just still kind of Bruce Wayne. Not even Batman yet. And Batman is just still. Just fucking still. Just half the suit on. With the mask off. Just. Still kind of Bruce Wayne. Not even Batman yet. I'll be right there. Penguin just gassing everybody.

And Batman is just straight up gassing his fucking own. Oh God. They picked the right time. The scarecrow picked the right time. To make the city afraid. Bruce Wayne's kids, Dad! But everybody,

kings and queens and fucking presidents alike, everyone's just sat on that toilet just grumping. Just taking a fucking grump. ... on that toilet just grumping just taking a fucking grump you know they say as a comedian like picture the crowd naked so you don't get nervous and then it's like dude i just everyone's fucking grumped i'm not talking about shit and i'm talking about grumping when you're fucking okay this, this is so gross, you know? Whatever.

I'm just being so disrespectful looking at my text right now. Whatever. I do what I want. Dude, I love you guys. I love you guys. And we're a cult, dude. That's it. Period.

We are a cult. Make friends in the comments, dude. That's it. Period. We're a fucking cult, and I love it. And you, dude, how about this? You support me, I fucking support you, dude. I love it.

I guess that's it. We started like five minutes in, but it's 109, so I guess that's it, dude. That's it, dude. We could do it. That's it. Right. Um, I had a good time. Sensational. Come join us on flex Avenue.

We play video games. I'm on red dead redemption. It's fun. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Uh, it's just been fucking firing on all syllables. Really? You know,

we've been having a good time. And, uh, open the info here under the youtube video for like merch to get this uh make friends in the comments shit we got the uh what do you call it go meet him and sometimes stay out and uh oh i saw the guy again out there uh with that same shirt on i kind of tried to take a video of it i don't want to like show his face and shit but um i do have that i'm going to show you that the actual the the inception of that fucking idea wow i can't believe i'm talking like that like i'm fucking elon musk it was a goddamn stupid bit um so anyway dude hey guys that's the end of the episode uh if you want to catch the rest of the

episode go on over to our patreon patreon.com slash chris d'alia and uh we've got an extra episode a month we've got other segments like we do a thing called review mode where it's me uh doing some extra content and uh also there's behind the scenes stuff and there's merch drops there's all sorts of stuff that uh the the public not on patreon gets but uh you can sign up today or you don't have to you know you can just enjoy just enjoy the podcast on YouTube, but you're not getting the full experience. Thanks a lot, guys. And I appreciate your support. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking

Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking the worst the worst slugging ever