Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 216. Purple Drink

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris discusses his weird morning dreams, a family trip to Maria's Italian Kitchen, and his embarrassing moment while getting coffee. Just remember, always drink a purple drink. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey, guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. And it's crazy that we always get that freeze frame just right. It's so great. Thank you for high quality editing.

Yvonne, get rid of. Oops, not Yvonne. Ivan. I already fucked it up immediately. That's great. Made him a check. You know what? It's fine, dude. Let's just pretend like it didn't happen and go. Another episode of congratulations and we're loving it, dude. If you subscribe to our Patreon, great. Patreon.com slash Crystalia. If not, we enjoy having

you on YouTube and just listening on all platforms and, you know, we're just gonna try and fire on all Syllables Yeah dude Had some crazy dreams last night I know I always say this but what is it about

Well by the way first of all let me apologize for this fucking Superman curl right here Just absolutely fucking Unreal Most men dream of that shit but me That shit just pops out It's like i'm in a it's like i'm in a comic book dude but i'm not it's real life sorry superheroes sorry break your heart superheroes your boy's got it in real life and you don't exist but um yeah dude had some crazy

dreams last night shouldn't say last night should say this morning i don't know what it is about that and i say this a lot but your boy you know fucking i i can sleep like when i sleep i do that shit like i'm a sleep addict that's what i do it like i conk the fuck out and if it's a good one i get it rolling right i'm in that rem i'm doing that shit where i like fucking i'm just at the tippy top of the fucking sleep cycle but not waking up and then back down into fucking fairy tale land. That's where we go and up and down and almost peeking out of that fucking tippy top of the REM cycle. And then we go back down. It's like a rollercoaster dude. And I, you know, sometimes I have to wake up to go pee pee, but honestly, lately I haven't been waking up to go pee pee. So my body's agreeing with me. All right. My mind and my body are one together. And, uh, when I'm doing my REM cycles

and when I'm, when it's coming to pee pee and honestly, what more can you ask for? So, um, your boy, you know, look, yeah, of course, Johnny sleeps a lot and Johnny takes naps a lot and that's fine. Um, but I do, I can take a nap from like six to fucking 7 PM. Forget it, dude. Or from even like five 20 to six 30. If I want to stretch it out a little bit longer than an hour, then your boy's going to nap. Right? And he wakes up with crazy cool, you know what I mean? Curls like that. Right? That's what got me thinking about it. So I slept until 8, woke up, and didn't have to go TTs. And that's fine.

I didn't have to go piss. And that's all good. that's fine. I didn't have to go, go piss and that's all good. And, um, and so I thought, you know what, dude, I'm actually going to just put this fireplace on. I have a fireplace in my bedroom. Sorry, cold guys. Sorry to break your heart cold guys, but I have a fireplace in the bedroom and yeah, it's electric, but it doesn't matter. We won't fucking tell anybody. All right. We don't put logs in been the same logs there for the past five years when the house was built. All right. I click the button.

I wake up, I walk up, I click the button. Fireplace goes. It always is like for way too long, right? The fire has already started and for way too long, go back to sleep.

Anger's rising because the sounds not, and now I'm not even, it's not even the sound that's keeping me up. It's the anger that's keeping me up that the sounds are going. I'm like, when does this stop? All right. Must've stopped. Do you know why? Johnny dreams a lot. Okay. I went back down into my fucking REM and I immediately, I don't know what it is about after 8 AM, but if your boy goes back to sleep after 8 AM, if he makes a deal with his body and says you know what we're gonna

take the extra lap in fucking dreamland he scoops way under did you know there's another level did you know there's another level dude did you know that there's another level dude i must have been sleeping so hard i must have been in whatever the earth's core is in dreamland bro i was down there i swear to god when i was down there i saw a fucking um what's his name I must have been sleeping so hard. I must have been in whatever the earth's core is in dreamland, bro. I was down there. I swear to God, when I was down there, I saw a fucking,

um, what's his name? An area Brockovich. What's his name? Fucking Aaron Eckhart. I must've saw Aaron Eckhart at one of those fucking things. We're trying to get to the center of the earth. What's that movie called?

The core bad movie. Um, and you know, it's a bad movie because Aaron Eckhart's the lead. If Aaron Eckhart's the lead, it's a bad movie. Sorry, said it, but we tell the truth here, okay? I'm the truth.

I speak the truth, dude. If Aaron Eckhart is the lead in it, terrible movie. If Aaron Eckhart is the second lead in it, great fucking movie. Sully. It's a great movie. Tom Hanks is the lead. Aaron Eckhart is the second lead. Great fucking movie. Aaron Brockovich, great fucking movie Tom Hanks is the lead. Aaron Eckhart is the second lead. Great fucking movie.

Aaron Brockovich, great fucking movie. Julia Roberts is the lead. Fucking Aaron Eckhart is the second one. If you want a movie to bang and ride like a roller coaster, put Aaron Eckhart in it. Only build second.

If you put him in the lead, Battlefield Los Angeles, The Core, fucking other movies that I don't know. And the reason why I don't know them is because they weren't hits. And that's my point. All right. Box office disaster. Aaron Eckhart at number one, box office disaster. Aaron Eckhart at number two, critical acclaimed winning Oscars. Not him though, but the movie. Okay. Now I'm in the core. I passed Aaron Eckhart. I'm so low. I'm dreaming, right? I got a shovel. I'm trying to get further. I don't know what it is about that after 8am sleep ins that just puts me the fuck out. Like I was drugged. And I thought it was when I went to Zanny Island, but it's not, I don't go to Zanny Island. I haven't been to fucking Zanny Island in about a month or a month and a half. And I slept after 8 PM and I killed it, dude. I had weird dreams,

dreams of exes in my past, having meetings with them for some fucking reason, serious meetings where we were talking about real world issues. And then I had another dream that thought, you know, it was like nothing, but it was like, I was in an auditorium and people were playing baseball. People don't play baseball in auditoriums. Okay. But it didn't seem weird that it was a dream. It just seemed like it was the thing to do now in this world. We were below the earth's core of dreamland. Okay. That's where we were. And we were listening to that song. Car wash. That's what it is. I learned that since last week. Ivan Getrid have told me that. It's the beginning of the song car wash. And you never really know what baseball games, because they don't really fucking start the part where it's like, we're at the car wash.

games because they don't really fucking start the part where it's like, we're at the car wash. They just get to the bar. And then they go and now batting Jeff Kent, Hensley Mullins, John Allrood, David Cohen, Fred McGriff, Ken Caminiti, Wade Boggs, Kevin Elster, Howard Johnson, Don Mattingly, Dwight Gooden, Dave Parker, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Bobby Bonilla, Andy. That's it. That's it.

That's all I had. I got more, but that's all I could do with the fucking, with the, you know what I mean? And they don't play. None of them play anymore. Bobby Bonilla still gets paid because he made a fucking great contract when he was back in the Mets in like 1990 or whatever. But anyway, dude, so I'm doing that and everyone chants and as it went everyone would go rob he has bad clothes don't know why dreams are fucking weird and that's all iops forgot we left it in there twice who the fuck is rob dude who's rob i dreamt

it they say dreams don't last longer than three minutes i'm skeptical on that i'm skeptical on that because we seem like we were chanting that rob he has bad clothes a long time in that auditorium dude to the beginning of carl rob he has bad clothes that's what we were chanting and i don't know who rob is but it's all you know it's all good dude and sometimes you just dream bullshit sometimes you dream you have really great meetings with your exes that are therapeutic and you're trying to solve world issues and emotional shit. And sometimes you just dream about a fictitious guy named Rob and how he has bad clothes in an auditorium where you're playing baseball.

And that's it. And that's all I want to say. It doesn't really seem like there's any dreams in the middle there where it kind of makes sense, but not really. It seems like it's either fucking makes so much sense or zero sense, right? Um, wow. So Robbie has bad clothes and, um, and that's honestly that that's all. It's honestly all I want to talk about is dreaming, but I went down to fucking the earth's core of dreamland, man. I really, really did. I really did really did um speaking of the fucking the the absolute cool

superhero hair i got dude yay they did it yay yay they did it yay yay they did it they made fucking superman gay yay they made superman gay yay yeah they finally did they made superman gay but it's not clark kent so does it count no it doesn't does it everyone's like yay finally representations yay follow representations make clark gay who's fucking john kent dude the fuck is john kent john kent coming in all like you know saving the day but not really saving the day thinking he's saving the day, but not really saving the day, dude. Right. In my head, dude, Clark's in the closet period. I don't give a fuck. I know he loves Lois Lane. I know he, you know, he, I know he's a power fucker, right? Cause he's Superman, but John Kent and he's, you know,

and he's gay and people think it's amazing. And that's like, why are you ruining Superman? They're not, they're not dude. They're not ruining Superman. It's all fucking fictitious. All of it. People say, this is what the liberals want. Who gives a fuck? Let them have it. You know, I get it.

How people are like, how are my kids supposed to read this? I don't know, man. You figure that out. I don't care so much. You know, when I first see a fucking article like that, I got it. I got it. I got to admit, I go like this. What the fuck?

What a weird world. Who cares this much? But then I get, okay, people do care this much. So fine, dude. I don't give a fuck. Honestly, I think every single character ever should be gay. I think everyone should be gay. I don't just think John. And I don't think Clark Kent should be gay. I think everyone should be gay. I don't just think John, and I don't think Clark, I think Clark Kent should be gay. I don't know who the fuck John Kent

is, by the way. I don't know who it is. They tried to marry both sides and they were like, oh, let's put, you know, maybe he's another Kent, but also he's, he's gay, but it's not Clark Kent because so they can still have their Clark Kent, right? The toxic boys could have the Clark Kent, but then also the gay boys, they can have the fucking, the woke crowd, they can have John. It's so funny too. It's like such a fucking, it's like the off-brand shit, right? Like Clark Kent is still going to be having sex with Lois, but it's like, it's like when you go in a fucking, um, like there's Vons out here on the West coast and everyone goes to Vons and then the people who can't afford it, they go to a place called John's with the same font. It's real, dude. People in L.A. know what I'm talking about, but it's real.

In the worst parts of town, there's John's. Rhymes with Vons, try a little harder. Maybe it's fucking John Kent. John Kent's, maybe. Maybe it's John Kent's. Maybe that's what John's is. He's the off-brand version of Vons, and he's also the off-brand version of Superman. And he's got, I haven't seen the comics yet. Maybe he runs a fucking, a popular food chain, a popular grocery store chain in the, you know, in the inner cities.

I don't know. I don't know. But I do know if he's doing that, he's also stroking dudes off and kissing them and shit. Because he's gay, and that's fine, dude. And that's fine. We have nothing against John Kent. I want to meet him. But I just think, make all of the characters gay.

Everyone's gay, period. Also in TV, not just comics. Everyone should also have gay relationships in, like, I'm talking about Law and Order. That guy, Chris Maloney, should come in and be like, hey, what's up? Whoa, nice. You want to go out for a coffee, partner? And then bust some cases and then come back home to that dude and just kind of cuddle him you know it's over the pants shit because we're also on whatever it's on nbc but dude chris maloney make him gay as shit put purple hair on him make him gay as shit at night right that's it whatever the fucking thing is like uh you know have happy days fonzie there's also gonzi and he's gay as shit and he's got a purple leather jacket dude right why not every why not who gives

this shit i don't give a fuck who do you care oh how am i supposed to have my kids read this shit bro you'll figure it out you had the kids make own comic books. Draw pictures for your kids if you're so anti-gay. Go ahead, do that. Yeah, and he's got a fucking and he's straight as shit, dude. This guy's a fireman and he has sex with so many women's, man. Fuck that. He's not gay at all. Read that, son. Fuck John Kent. Or just make your own supervillain and make them try to kill John Kent. How about that? If you don't like John Kent enough, go learn art, airbrush it all together and make a fucking villain. John Kent, who are you? I'm the John Kent annihilator. You could make that character. It won't be in their comics, but it could be in yours. I guarantee you'd have a fucking dude.

And you know, people are talking, oh, you know, Chris D'Elia, he got fucking red pilled, you know, oh, you're still a liberal cuck. But even though, you know, we had your back and you're, or, or some people, you got red pilled, fuck this blue pill, red pill shit. Fuck it all, dude. I don't do pills unless it's Zanny Island, dude. I'm not red pill, blue pill, man. Fuck all this.

Everything in the world is so divisive relax i'm talking about the purple pill how about that take the red pill a little bit of the blue pill put it in together and make a nice purple drink out of it how about that drink a purple drink john kent he's around gay Gay Superman, cool as fuck. That's it. You know? Everyone's so divisive about everything. And it's like, I'm pissed off because fucking, it's like, when can we be pissed off about the real shit?

Bluetooth isn't ready for cars yet. It's not ready for cars yet It's not ready for cars yet Every car I ever go in I link my Bluetooth to the car I try to do a voice note Hey, I'll be right there Playback I'll be right there No, I said hey, I'll

You gotta wait 4 seconds to do the voice note for the fucking Bluetooth shits. Make Bluetooth, start recording on the car immediately. Enough of this fucking, oh, look, it's Sarah. Hey, what's up? How's it going? Hello? Hello? Hello?

And then Sarah, hey, hello. Are you, do I have, do you have, can I hear, can you hear me? Yeah. What, what, what's going on? Sorry. It's fucking Audi. It's actually Audi. What's going on? Sorry, it's fucking Audi. It's actually Audi. It's not ready.

They made Bluetooth for something that's not ready and they still fucking sell it. No, I remember when Louis C.K. said the thing about being 30,000 feet in the air and you can talk to anybody in the world and you should be happy about that. So what if the fucking shit doesn't work? No, I disagree No I disagree I disagree

Only put the shit out when it works Otherwise it ain't ready Yeah I ain't ready for this one That's what the rappers are talking about When the bluetooth doesn't work on the car Yeah I ain't ready for this one Audi and iPhone they don't connect Ha ha ha

Ha What's up with Bentley and iPhone. They don't connect. What's up with Bentley? Even a Bentley. Yeah. Even a fucking Mercedes Benz. Um. Rob, he has bad clothes But dude it's just

Fucking ridiculous You can't take any issue And it's not divisive But I don't want to get too serious But we can't talk about the real issues Like bluetooth already I want an NPR Why doesn't bluetooth, you know,

the reason why Bluetooth doesn't work, those fucking bitch-ass NPR voices. Look, the reason why Bluetooth doesn't work with cars is because the amount of the signal and back in the air conditioning when it came out and people would flock to the movie theaters because it was less expensive, not necessarily because they liked the movie,

but it was cheaper than keeping their house cool. They always got that fake bitch ass laughing that they do. God, dude. The radio personality, even radio personalities were the OGs of that shit. They'd be like, all right, yeah, we're coming back from that. What are you laughing at? What just happened, dude? What just happened in the studio?

Share it with us. share it with us your energy isn't affecting isn't infecting me unless you're sharing the experience when i come on this podcast do i come talk about boring shit and fucking be just be laughing about the thing that all happened before the podcast no i share my week with you so hey dj let me know what you're laughing at. All right. We got another pair of tickets to give away. Oh my God. Here we go. We got some tickets. We're going to give them away. We're going to give away Erykah Badu box seats. Okay. What are you fucking laughing about? Share with the class. Otherwise I turn that shit right off. Every DJ does, all right, man. All right, yeah.

Are you getting tickled, DJ guy? Hey, DJ laughs a lot. Play the music or share the funny stuff. You're just laughing at, hi, how you doing? How's the weather? What's going on? Tell us the shit shit give us the scoop and that's all i have to say about that shit dude

this is every dj right now every dj when when the music ends hell yes and what are you laughing at dude at least we saw beforehand when fucking Jeff Bezos was... I don't even remember at this point. But anyway, dude. This is how they come back from fucking... This is how they come back from right here. They go... Okay, all right.

I got two tickets. We're going to give away Phil Collins' back in concert. Wow. We can't get to the real shit. NPR, do some shit about Bluetooth. Anyway, dude, I got, you know, I trailed off. Johnny trails a lot and he does, dude. I do, I trail off, but that's what we do.

It's tangents. I should have named this podcast Tangents. Venom is the number one movie in the fucking world venom venom 2 i want so badly for one of these sequels sequels to be called whatever it is venom 2 t-o-o so badly venom 2 venom also like this is also venom the movie that you just saw because guess what it's the same as the last one venom too they got woody harrelson just straight up giving up and he's lauded man sure i'll do fuck that man you won woody you won woody you won woody i used to tell myself that shit every night a few years ago. Meant something different. But dude,

I, it's like, do you see him on the poster on the venom poster? Hopefully we could find the right one and put it right here. But dude, you've got Tom Hardy. He's like, I've been in this movie before just doing it like this.

Half of the venom face. The other half is Woody Harrelson making for real this face. Put it next to mine. That's what he looks like. The other half of the Venom face. Hey, Woody Harrelson, you're taking the piss. Congratulations. You're now my favorite actor.

That's it. It was Nicolas Cage. It was Keanu Reeves. Congratulations, Woody. You're in my top three now.. That's it. It was Nicolas Cage. It was Keanu Reeves. Congratulations, Woody. You're in my top three now. And that's that. Liam Neeson, you're number four because Woody Harrelson took the top spot with the fucking whole half of the billboard just doing it like this. Unbelievable, dude. I got it. The movie made eight, three billions and billions of dollars. I got it. The movie made eight, three billions and billions of dollars.

Venom 2 came out and it made billions upon billions of dollars. If you were to zoom in and see billions and billions of the very dollars that you spent to go see the movie. So, yeah, if anybody saw that movie Venom, honestly, go fuck yourself. You know, I realize that they're just fucking these movies these marvel movies they're for kids dude adults are like and they're for kids and guys who push up their glasses that say well actually you know i just wanted to you know i know it's funny but that's what they say that's what they lead stuff with no you know yeah sure i understand why you're laughing but actually the point of it is that's what those guys say right they walk out of fucking nine times out of ten you walk out of a of a if you just stand outside of a star Wars or a Marvel movie or some shit like that, you get, you get nine people out of 10 people opening day, you know, it trails off a little later, but opening

day, the guys that are walking out are saying a version of this now. And I know it was funny, but actually the point of it was, that's what they're saying. If you listen close enough. Okay. It just makes me laugh that people get all bent out of shape when in that when actual when in actuality that was his from the from from issue number 46 when he first popped on the theme in thor um so yeah dude it's dude right um a guy came up to me the other day uh in uh i was at coffee bean you know doing what i do just relaxing having my iced americano fucking some people think it goes against relaxing because i'm caffeinating myself but that's how I get to base level so where I can just chill. All right.

Now I got the fucking iced Americano. I get it dry. Claudia, she fucking serves me up nice. And as a matter of fact, she said, can you shout me out on your podcast? And I said, sure, Claudia. And I forgot for about two months until now. So hi, Claudia. She's a beautiful lady and she's so nice. And she gives me my coffee the way I get it. I show up and I say, hey, can I have it? And she says, you want your dry ice Americano? And I go like this, yup. Also known as four shots over ice. And we have a laugh, dude.

Claudia and I, we laugh, right? And so I get it and she says, here you go. And I'm like, wow, that was quick. And she's like, I know what you want. Dude, she's great. Look, we have a good time, okay? Four shots over ice. I'm drinking it.

I'm sitting there. I just sit down for a little bit. I want to get back home and play with my son. I'm hanging out though. I'm having a good time. Checking my phone. All of a sudden, two Hasidic Jews walk up to me. Now, I think, here we go. Right? Who knows? Who knows? All I know is I don't deal with Hasidic Jews a lot. That's it. So this is going to go a certain way. And I have no idea what's going to happen. I welcome the, I welcome it. I welcome it. They walk up to me, two of them, and they say, Hey, and I say, Hey, now I'm always skeptical when somebody comes up to me. Okay. You have to understand a lot of people know who I am. A lot of people like me. A lot of people don't like me. A lot of people just want to annoy me. A lot of people don't know they're being annoying. A lot of people like me. A lot of people don't like me. A lot of people just want to annoy me. A lot of people don't know they're being annoying.

A lot of people are very friendly. I get all sorts of the, you know, I get the spectrum back and forth. Right? So these two Hasidic Jews come up to me and they say, hey, are you Jewish by any chance? by any chance. And it's one of those things where it's like, I have to pick the correct thing to say next that makes this the shortest exchange possible. Right. But the trick is you never know what that is, right? When people walk up to you and they say, are you a registered voter? You go, uh-oh. Are they trying to get me to register to vote or do they need me to be a registered voter so they can bother me longer? Right.

Okay. So you're like, okay, well, I am registered to vote, but you're trying to study the person like you're Sherlock, like trying to fucking move in on their cufflinks. Well, they have expensive cufflinks. They might be this and that. Maybe they're, you don't know. You just guess. You fire it away.

Sometimes you lie. You're like, no, I'm not a registered for it. They're like, good. Cause we're just getting registered. We're like, fuck, I was lying. And I got, you're like, I was lying. Right. But you don't want to do.

So most of the time I just bank on the truth. Okay. I just go with the truth. Cause then this way I'm not in the wrong. And I can say not interested. Took me 40 years to realize that that's what I had to do and that was what was best. So these two Hasidic Jews, remember, this is where we were.

Hey, by any chance, are you Jewish? And I, like this, said, no. Hoping for the best. And they go like this all right never mind thanks we won i don't want to say i won against the hasidic Jews. That sounds very anti-Semitic. I want to say I won the game with the Hasidic Jews. So that's it. I just don't want to talk to anybody for too long.

Right. Uh, but it was nice, you know? Um, and I think honestly, I'm going to look into the religion. I'm going to be Hasidic. Well, imagine if I was an Hasidic Jew, right. And I just fucking started doing theidic jew right and i just fucking started doing the podcast and my and i just had like tendrils and shit and big top hats i don't really know what they wear but um anyway that's what happened to me and uh that's it it's you

know the fucking i do over i mean dude i know this is like the reason why you guys listen to this podcast but man i fucking think and i analyze everything as it is so thank god i have a fucking thing about uh thank god i have a fucking an outlet to just talk about it i can't believe hundreds of thousands of you listen to this shit um but it is what it is and i really appreciate you guys and i love you for it man um but i overanalyze fucking everything man i was watching you know what actually you know what dude actually i want to get your fucking take on this shit man i really do we're all friends you're listening to me in your car your cubicle or you got me in your fucking earphones when you're working out dude this is fucking so kristen and

i are in a situation where we'll get into a discussion sometimes, albeit heated. She'll say something and I'll get upset that she said something because I get upset about many, many things. And then I'll carry on that conversation with that hotness in my body because of the fact that she said this certain thing. And then after the middle of the conversation, I'll go back to that thing she said. And I'll say, well, it's because of how you said this. And then she'll say, I didn't say that. She'll say, I didn't say that. So, what happened?

Who's right? I'll tell you who's right. Someone. I think it's me. Here's the problem. She thinks it's her. Here's the problem, though. I'm sure it went down the way I thought. But here's the problem though i'm sure it went down the way i thought but here's the added problem she's sure it went down the way she thought someone's right someone's wrong right there's

that whole thing where you'll be in couples therapy and they'll be like well what's true in your reality isn't necessarily what she experienced and i'm just like but they're words and she said them and then therapists are like but it's not about the words and i'm just like swallowing that because i know secretly when i get to heaven god will be like actually it was about the words off to hell. And so that's been happening. It's been happening lately and I don't know how to do it. We talked to our fucking therapist about it and we love the shit out of each other and we always come out the other end laughing and being nice to each other. But in that moment of hotness, and I'm just saying this to you guys because I want to share it with

you because I want you to know that you're not the only one. Okay. I know sometimes relationships get tough and you guys bicker about dumb shit, but the common ground is the love, right? Or the like, or whatever the fuck you have, you know, red pill, blue pill, no, mix them together. It's that purple drink, right? So that's what you're both trying to experience together. Now, we were at this Italian restaurant chain, Maria's Kitchen. If you are a diehard fan of this podcast, you know about my history with Maria's Italian Kitchen. I used to get it all the time delivered. They would fuck it up 80% of the time.

Your boy got pissed. Did they always fuck it up? Yes. 80% of the time. Your boy got pissed. Did they always fuck it up? Yes. 80% of the time? Yes. Does that mean always? In my book? Yes. Was it okay? It was in the grand scheme of things, but was it okay for my palate that night? No. Okay. They'd either forget the chicken or the cheese or the linguine would be penne. Whatever it was, did I get pissed? the cheese or the linguine would be penne. Whatever it was, did I get pissed? Yes. They didn't necessarily bring me the right pasta, but boy, did they bring me annoyance. All right. So I met Maria's Italian kitchen. I vowed never to go there again, but then I realized I could kind of change that when it was right in the vicinity and I could change that to, I'm never

going there again to, I'm never going to order from there again. So I went and I took my son, I took Calvin. We took our friend. It was my, our friend, Calvin and Kristen. Okay. And the lady comes to take our order and she says, hi fella, to me. No kidding. To Calvin. And she says, hi fella.

How are you? And Calvin's just like, Ooh, saying all this shit. Really cute. And Kristen is like, you know what? Um, I'll get a fettuccine with pink sauce. And she says, really cute. And Kristen is like, you know what? I'll get a fettuccine with pink sauce. And she says, sounds great. And I thought, well, that sounds good. Pink sauce is the thing I usually get from Maria's Italian kitchen fucking a decade ago. So I say, you know what? I'll get linguine with a pink sauce because I'm not really a fan of fettuccine. I love linguine.

In fact, it's my favorite pasta. I love the way it holds the sauce. Penne, that's my brother's favorite, but honestly, that's for suckers. I don't need no fucking fat pasta in my mouth. I want that long stringy shit that lets the sauce just fucking drip down, right? It catches them. The way the fucking sauce plays with that pasta and how it dances beyond your tongue. It's beautiful, right? The marriage of the pasta and the sauce. That's that purple drink for me. Linguini to pink sauce.

So she says, you know what? Now this is what the lady says. You know what? We don't really have linguini. We have more of a spaghetti and then fettuccine that's what she said all right so i said oh okay well give me the spaghetti one then and she said great great. Leaves comes back with the food, puts down the fettuccine. Yum. Pink sauce looks great. Fettuccine, not what I would have ordered, but I also, from the looks of it, I like the way it's

playing with the sauce. Seems like a good marriage to sauce okay now she drops it down i fume inside nobody sees it she walks away nobody knows best but nobody knows. So I say to Kristen, well, this is fucking bullshit. And she says, what? And I said, well, she brought me spaghetti and I wanted linguine. She should have just told me that she didn't have linguine. And Kristen says she did and i say i had a feeling that you were going to say that but in so so what i did is i cataloged the shit in my brain when it happened and that isn't what

she said she said we don't really have linguine we have more of a spaghetti and then fettuccine and she said yeah that's what that means they don't have linguine now i'm pissed, it's rising. Okay? Trying to quell it. Trying to do my breathing exercises I've learned from therapy. But it's rising. It's breaking through it.

And I say, beyond gritted teeth, to Kristen, she led me to believe there was an in-between noodle. She led me to believe there was an in-between noodle that they had. Hey, if you don't have linguine say one thing we don't have linguine so then i say what do you have you don't have more of a spaghetti and then fettuccine you have spaghetti and fettuccine now I'm trying to fucking tell this to Kristen and she's like you know what it's not always and now it's hot because we've already had this conversation before

that's not what she said that's not what you said that's not what he said that's not what they said that's not what I said all we have are the words I'm going to get up there to saint peter and he's gonna be like you know you were wrong i don't know what the fuck dude unbelievable dude don't lead me to believe there was an in-between style

noodle that like hasn't even come out yet like some new shit that like fucking apple made that like is like oh whoa there's a new one in between spaghetti and linguine yeah i want it and then it comes and it's just a fucking iphone 8 again i don't fucking know does the update work yet or not dude does bluetooth work in the car if the shit doesn't work don't say it's gonna don't color it a certain way so i'll be happy because when it comes i won't be happy dude but whatever dude i'm working on my anger speaking of fucking i was talking i was at the coffee being a tea leaf, dude. Oh my God. What a debacle.

You ever have just something that happens that's just so normal and so boring. But if you actually realize afterwards how, like, do you ever stop and think about how actual, actually like stressed you are in the day right do you ever feel your tension i mean a lot of you do that's why the calm app is so fucking successful they got lebron on the side of a building just like calm with the side of his head for some reason it's so so side of the head to just have a fucking meditation app you know it's so side of the head it's less intrusive you never have a fucking guy just like calm and just staring you in the eyes they took one shot of that and they were like lebron turn your head and he just did that and they were like

calm like it was the drake album or some shit anyway it's like rain falling or some shit and some guy will tell the story way too slowly i can't listen to that shit when i'm going to bed kristin tried to do it a little bit and a guy was telling the story so slow i'd fall asleep in between sentences and then he'd wake me up with a new sentence so fucking annoying dude talk faster dude everyone does shit completely fucking wrong man you guys fucking like And the clouds parted. And that was... And you're waking...

Oh, oh, you want me to wake up? Say, and the clouds parted. And that was when... Say that so I can fall asleep during that. I'll fall asleep over the fucking color guy. I'll watch Drumline and fall asleep over this calm app. Fucking, what's his name? Omarion on the side of the thing.

Drumline. Who was it? Not Omarion. Fucking the guy on America's Got Talent. Side of the face. Drumline. Nick Cannon. Omarion. fucking the guy on america's got talent side of the face drum line nick cannon oh marion how much was his name mario but he was like i need to make it more fancy i got an o and an n where should i put it and then his friend was like the ends um oh shit that's like if my name was to crystal.

Um, so, oh wow, dude. So I'm losing my mind. So to crystal. Um, so I'm at the, so I'm, I'm, you ever realized how stressful a situation is? I can't believe I got back on this tangent off of the tangent. I don't think you want to close the door, but I can't believe it. So, so we're watching. So, so we're watching, just saying things. We we're not watching anything so you ever realize how stressed you are okay and i'm walking to the coffee bean and shit is just going it's a bonkers nutty good day right

your shit your boy went stupid viral earlier on in the day right earlier on in the day your boy went stupid viral he probably threw out a TikTok that got fucking One milli views A milli a milli a milli a milli A milli a milli a milli A milli That's me all day cause your boy put something On TikTok that went

Dummy viral right So I'm on fucking so I'm walking Into the coffee bean with that fucking head bob right my dad thinks that's a song about emily emily emily emily and um what's that song by little perp emily um so so i do this i i walk in one door which i think that this is my problem is I walked in the door that I don't normally walk into. Right. I walked, there's two dog, two dogs.

There's two doors into the coffee bean. I went into the door that I don't normally go into. And it kind of fucked my shit up. So I walked in, I went to the cash register. The lady said, this isn't my normal one with Claudia. This isn't my normal one with their wishy-nose, the iced Americano dry shit. One person does in this coffee bean, but it's the person who makes the coffee, not the person at the cash register.

And there's always more people there. So they start it, but she's like, what would you like? So I say, I would like an iced Americano dry. And she says, great. Let me bring you up, take my wallet out, go to do it. As I'm taking my wallet out, I look over to my left side and I see a guy walking in the door that I just walked into the door that I don't normally walk into. So I see him walking in and there's a table that I want to sit at. Now I see that table

and I'm worried that this guy is going to take that table. Now, I don't know what the rules are here, right? If I'm ordering, look, I was in the place first. First of all, i was in the place first so i should i guess technically have my choice of table before the guy that walked in but also if i walk straight to the register and i'm ordering the guy walks in he's not gonna fucking be like hey sir you were here first which table would you like and also even thirdly it's not that big of a deal. Really it isn't. Okay. It's just a preference.

I'd like to sit at this table and it's between me and the guy walking in. I made a decision that I'm not proud of. Okay. I decided to, I don't like when people do this shit, but I wanted to put whatever I had on me on the table. So he wouldn't take it. I, and I'm not, I table. So he wouldn't take it. I, and I'm not,

I'm honestly, I don't like that. I did that. And I'm not going to do it anymore because that's bullshit. If the guy wants the table, I'm not going to, I don't want him to see the table and be like, Ooh, good a table.

And then all of a sudden I dropped my hoodie on and then he's like, ah, nevermind. Okay. I don't want his disappointment to be because of me. And that's on God. So he's walking in and I made a game time decision, right? I'm not proud of, but I didn't have a hoodie. I just had a shirt and pants and shoes on.

And I took my wallet out and I went to go toss my wallet on the table. Now, as I'm tossing my wallet on the table, I realize as it's ejecting out of my left hand, my weak hand, all right, oh, it's actually too far to throw anything indoors. The table is too far. Nobody should be throwing anything this far, not just indoors, but even around people. And I'm throwing something too far indoors and practically at a guy walking through the door. All right. So I toss it again. It's my weekend. I threw it too high. It hits his peak and comes just rushing down faster than gravity, but rushing down hits the table and it goes pop. It was like my wallet was the size of a graduation cap. No, a laser disc. No, whatever's bigger than that.

I'm good for two examples. That's my comedic chops. And, um, yeah, it was like I lopped the fucking laser disc on the, and, but a big one. It goes and everyone in the coffee shop goes like this. It's just my wallet to make matters worse my wallet bounces and then goes off of the table so now loud noise basically people are thinking but is it a ghost because there's no evidence and then they all go from wherever the sound was and they look back at me and now i'm like fuck because look one time when i was in a coffee shop a guy came in and he said um it was a crowded coffee shop i was sitting there guy walked in he says science is

everywhere and then he turns and walks away that That guy's a crazy person. I'll never forget it happened, but that's what he said. All right. He just walked in and said, science is everywhere and walked away. This is before people were really even getting nuts. Right. This guy was like the guy had the jump on the fucking nuttiness, right? Like everybody's crazy now. This was back in 2008 when people were just figuring crazy out. He walked in, he said, science is everywhere. And honestly, he's not wrong. So yeah, it was a crazy thing to do, but maybe it was actually just a chemist. So he walks out. My point is that crazy shit happened when a crazy thing happens in a coffee

shop, especially, but in a small place of business, when a crazy thing happens in a coffee shop, especially, but in a small place of business, when a crazy thing happens, everyone who is not the craziness becomes best friends, right? So he walked in and he said, science is everywhere and walked out. Now I shit you not, I shit you not. There was a hot girl there and an Italian guy. The Italian guy became one of my best friends and I had an affair with a beautiful woman. Okay? So that crazy guy disrupted that coffee shop so much that I had a relationship and a relationship because of it. 2008. beautiful years.

So now flash forward to a fucking two days ago, I'm the craziness. Now I didn't walk in and say science is everywhere or fucking when is a fire, not a fire or some crazy bullshit, right? But everyone's looking at me and then two people are talking about, oh, I don't know. Yeah, I think he threw something and I'm, oh oh and real loudly i just say oh oh yeah no i i just i didn't mean if i was gonna hit i'm sorry dude right now i'm fucking scared because i got ptsd because i think fucking soon it's gonna be like star of undateable chris delia throws a fucking wallet at some portly guy walking in the same door he does delia responds reps for delia responds he well he walked into the door he

doesn't usually walk into and then when and then and science is everywhere and then that guy's hey what do you guys think of it? And then some fucking long surfer hair dude is like, dude, I forget, but we caught up with Britney Spears. There's another, I saw the ninth documentary about Britney Spears yesterday. And I sat down and I'm just like sitting down and I'm like, all right, it's fine. Nobody really got, and this is like, these are the thoughts I'm happening. Like everything's fine. And then all of a sudden, just to make matters weirder, these two like kids, brothers came in with, in like karate gis and with a dad.

And the dad was like, just go sit over there. And he like pointed at my table and I'm just like ah for fuck what is i'm sitting and then i now i got like two karate kids next to me and and and they don't have masks on which is fine i don't care about that at all but a kid turns over to me and goes and sneezes and i'm like dude i didn't even know nine-year-olds fucking knew how to sneeze yet and this kid sneezes on I'm like dude I didn't even know nine year olds fucking Knew how to sneeze yet And this kid sneezes on me with a karate gi And he sneezes And I'm like oh for fuck

And I swear to god the kid says to the dad Dad I'm gonna take off my shoes And the dad's like no you're not gonna take off your shoes And he says yes I am And he takes off his shoes And I'm like alright you know what Honestly that's an L dude This coffee bean and tea leaf experience It's just straight up L I mean, he takes off his shoes and I'm all right. You know what? Honestly, that's an L dude.

This coffee bean and tea leaf experience. It's just straight up L. I fucking took my L. I took the coffee and I walked out and I waited for my fiance to pick me up. Cause my car's in the shop. So bitch sat down, took a fucking made up, did a, uh, uh, um, uh, an Instagram post about it where I just sat on the, I had my life ripped, um, sweats on, but you know, what's, uh, yeah. Oh dude. Fucking speaking to Instagram.

I posted this thing about how bone tugs in harmony. I talk, talk shit about, I guess I talk shit about bone. I mean, I was joking. Obviously a bone tugs in harmony on some episode. It like episode some episode i don't know previously on congratulations first of all worst name of a rap group ever bone thugs in harmony and i was talking about bone thugs in harmony and they wrote an article about it about chris D'Elia, this is rap group, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. And it was so funny, dude. This woman who wrote the article was like, yeah, Chris D'Elia was talking shit about Busy Bone. He came into the, I don't know if you heard

the episode, but he came into the, meanwhile, I was in patio, the comic store. I was talking to my brother and he was like, pardon my motherfucking interruption. He said it 19 times. And I was talking about how silly it was. And then the late, and then the lady wrote the lady wrote the article was like, oh yeah, Chris D'Elia made fun or talk shit to about busy bone.

And when he has a notoriously horrible childhood and it's like, don't like, yo, yo first of all it's comedy second of all i'm the asshole because i don't know every fucking waking fact about one of the bone thugs and harmonies i like i gotta know about the fucking everyone's childhood before i joke the fuck if i know one time this was years, but I made fun of somebody on Instagram for doing something silly. And she wrote me and she was like, not cool. I had cancer. And I'm like, I got to know everything. Sorry, you have that. I can't make fun of a yoga move though. Chris D'Elia, star of Undateable, fucking took a cancer victim to task and somebody who had a bad childhood to task on his latest congratul...

They're acting like fucking everybody's Hitler out there, dude. So fucking weird, dude. It's like everybody's Hitler today that's about it I really wanted to talk about except for the fact that Demi Lovato thinks that we shouldn't call aliens aliens we should call them ETs

Demi Lovato what are you doing what are you doing Demi Lovato I sang cool for the summer on lip sync battle don't make me regret it What are you doing? What are you doing? Demi Lovato. I sang cool for the summer on lip sync battle. Don't make me regret it. Don't make me regret it.

Don't make me regret my body rolls to cool for the summer. Don't make me regret it. Demi Lovato, don't make me regret it. Please. Can I say aliens? She's like, but it's offensive. To who? Where are the aliens? Where are they? Where are they are they and wherever they are they don't speak english i'm sure aliens is fine with them

we could call them fucking turkey sandwiches i'm sure it's fine that's how they speak that's how they speak that's how they speak you saw mars attacks that's how they speak they're going to be mad that we're calling them anything. They don't care. They don't even care if we open our mouths. They just want to destroy the earth and take it over. That's what they want. What the fuck's it matter?

They don't come in peace. They come to make us in pieces. What are you doing, Demi Lovato? Let me see aliens. Hey, Demi Lovato, come on. Let me see aliens, please. Call them ETs, extraterrestrial. Come on, Demi Lovato.

Please. I'm opening. This is an open letter to Demi Lovato. Please let me say aliens. Don't make me regret. Don't make me regret doing body rolls to cool for the summer in front of Chrissy Teigen and Nella Cool J. Don't make me regret it.

So that's that, dude. I got sweat cascading. Dude, I'll tell you what. I got sweat cascading under my new shirt. Was going to wear it out tonight. Can't do that anymore. It's all good. It's all good, my babies.

We're a cult, dude. We're going to be in tall grass in no time. Just keep on fucking liking that subscribe button. Keep on fucking hitting that like button and keep on subscribing to that like button, dude. Please. You got to do it. It really helps the algorithm. And you know about me, man.

I'm all about the algorithms. Make friends in the comments below. There. Go. If you see someone that needs a friend, you say, what's up, man? I'm from Peoria. How you doing? If you're ever around the area, let's go get some sausage.

Whatever the fuck it is, dude. Anybody from fucking Vancouver? You see someone talking shit? They need friends. Hi, I'm from Toronto. How have you been? It seems like you're having a bad day. Make friends in the comments and scoop up that merch at the store.

Make friends in the comments. The new Sandstorm Life Rips hoodie. And we've got a new one coming for you. And boy, does it bang, dude. You're going to see it. You're going to go like this. Oh, that's how you're going to go. You're going to see the new merch.

You're going to go like this. Oh, because it's going to make you emotional, dude. It's going to hurt your feelings. My merch hurts your feelings. So go out there and go get it. That's it, you guys. I hope you enjoyed the episode. To catch the rest of the episode, the uncut version,

go on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash chrisdalia, and sign on up. It's only six bucks, and you can get all of the extra shit that we do. The rest of the episodes, the backlog of the episodes that don't exist for the YouTube watchers and all the other listeners,

but you get exclusive content. There's other segments that we do, not just this congratulations podcast. And there are watch alongs that we do that I chat with you on with, on our discord. You get access to all of that. It's six bucks.

So go on over and check out patreon patreon.com slash chris talia thanks guys Congratulations. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, I'll hold on one second. Hey, guys.