Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 217. That's Life

Episode Date: October 27, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris discusses island boys, the legacy of Colin Powell, and he explains to all of us what life is. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Congragulations. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Congragulations. Yeah, dude.

If you're just listening, I pumped my freaking fist like that in the air. And if you're watching, you know I did it. You know I did it. So, because you saw me pump like that in the air. And if you're watching, you know I did it. You know I did it. So, because you saw me pump my fist in the air. Yeah, dude. You know, it's great, man. We got the merch out there. Let's just start with this.

We got the merch out there. Making friends in the comments, hoodies. It's mint green. Oopsie daisy. We've got the tan life rips. It's a sandstorm life rips hoodie. And we've got the t-shirt. Oopsie daisy we've got the tan life rips it's a sandstorm life rips hoodie and we've got the t-shirt oopsie daisy okay and we also have got awesome merch coming out later oopsie daisy we'll

keep it on the hush but that's what's up dude so go to chris talia.com almost threw up in my mouth and it's all good and we'll leave it in dude i don't take it out because i'm raw and what you see is what you get okay and i know I know you understand that. I'm coming from way back, dude. I'm coming from way back. I'm coming from so far back. You swear you hear Hoobastank. I swear, dude, it's that nostalgia. It's that nostalgia shit you get when you just hear my, my voice full of soda. But, um, yeah, dude, you know, I don't know. I had a day today where I, you know what, let me tell it like Pulp Fiction, like the movie Pulp Fiction. I'll do it backwards. Today, got a coffee, woke up, got a coffee, all good, dude. Ate something. Uh, it was

like spinach and eggs. Got another coffee, all good. Drank another coffee, then got nauseous, forgot three days ago, had a problem with nausea and two days ago, shit my brains out. So now I'm reminded of those past two days because of how I, um, you know, I forgot I was nauseous and I drank two coffees. And if I had three coffees and if I hadn't, if I had remembered that now, if I had remembered that would I have not drinking the coffee? Yes. I probably would have had one, but not three. And that's fine. But I just told that story like Pulp Fiction and you're welcome, dude. I told the end first and then I went back, dude. And that's how I do it, man. Because I'm really fucking honestly,

uh, I'm creative with podcasting. You know, I did a lot of body weight exercises today. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to break your heart strong guys. And that's fine. You're still there. You exist. You pump heavy iron. You exist. I saw a picture of four stacked dudes standing shirtless today, uh, on Instagram, just, they were just done with their workout and they looked amazing and that's fine. They obviously pumped weights and that's all good, but your boy did body resistance and that's fine but i'm sorry to break your heart strong guys you know i got fucking notices of uh production on my back over here it's fucking insane dude so i'm sorry to break your heart strong guys but let's get it going let's start and what should we start with well Well, we should start with this. Hey, this Island Boy guy.

Everyone, this is a rare occasion where I'm talking about the thing that everyone is sending me. I don't normally do this. I talk about what I want to, but I have to talk about this because so many people want me to talk about this. I can't believe how many people have sent this to me. And I'm going to play it because it's unbelievable. But it's really not something that I even care to talk about, but I'm going to do it because it's unbelievable. But it's really not something that I even care to talk about, but I'm going to do it for y'all. Because I'm an island boy

and I've been trying to make Oh, I'm an island boy. Okay, this guy's an, apparently this guy's an island boy. Okay, this is Fly Soldier. I don't know, this guy's name is Fly Soldier and Kodiak Red.

Why do they do that? Why is there a Kodiak Red when there's a when there's a kodak black it's like how when like lil nas was like yeah i see your nas but i raise you a lil why are they doing this there's asap rocky and asap ferg what you doing you're from the same group i get it don't care dude all the people from? You're from the same group. I get it. Don't care. Dude, all the people from fucking Family Matters are in the same group. It's not fucking Steve Urkel and Reginald Vell Urkel. They have their own names.

So this guy's an island boy, and of course, I will say both of these guys look exactly alike, and they're both white, I think. I don't even know. And tatted up. And they have fucking cocks coming out of their head. I'm a just island boy. I'm a just island boy.

I'm a just island boy. I'm going to get key white grind. You're going to keep that gun. I'll be just staring at the sun. I'm just a fool gazing. I'm like, fool, I'm staying. They're like, you want to be famous. I'm trying to be out the greatest. Other guy. Not helping at all. Oh, he's from Florida? Go figure.

Other guy. Turn. Wow. In a jacuzzi. trying to make it to the top. I'm an island boy. I've been trying to make it. I ain't seen it with a gang gang swing. You ain't just swing no gang. Wow. In a jacuzzi. Their parents are, I guarantee their parents are so fucking rich. Cause we try home like a lion. Their dad's an orthodontist, you know? An island boy

from the Caribbean. Their dad's the second most fucking successful orthodontist in all of Florida. And the mom is a fucking high class lawyer. Guarantee it, dude. Oh my God, dude. Okay. So we get that part.

Okay. My island boy. Dude, I'm a fucking island boy. These guys took my shit. Dad's the fucking most second wealthiest orthodontist in all of Florida. And the mom is a huge fucking lawyer. And everywhere the mom goes now, people are like, oh, I saw the island boy thing with your kids.

It's really great. And she's like, for fuck's sake, dude, this is my legacy. I've tried to fucking free innocent victims all the time. And the dad's like, I've really been working on some teeth my whole life. And these fucking kids with cocks coming out of their heads fucking think that they're guaguan and the island boy. Fucking shit, dude. Why were they even in the jacuzzi with fucking basketball shorts on that's what they think all day great i gotta stop i gotta go to the bathroom that story gave me ptsd

i gotta go really number two no bullshit i'll be back i'm back guys and jokes on you i didn't even go number two i just drew a picture of four dragons. So yeah, dude, we're back. And I'm still an island boy. People who get face tattoos, huh? I'm not sure, dude. I'm not sure. Maybe one.

How about that? Maybe one. Maybe one. You know, if you're like a convict and you killed somebody, you want a teardrop and you're in prison for the rest of your life, or, or if something really means something to you, you know what I mean? Maybe one, but all the whole face. I saw a guy on Instagram the other day who had just, I, I, eyeballs tattooed all over his, the right side of his face. Some mistake, some mistake. some mistake some mistake what about what about meeting people right what about that um anyway dude i'm an island boy i'm an island boy i'm a fucking island boy i'm just i'm just island boy i uh i was that fucking coffee bean. You know what I did to just be disrespectful, respectfully disrespectful is I went to coffee bean and tea leaf and I fucking got a coffee bean and tea leaf and I drove to Starbucks and drank it.

That's how he does it from now on. That's how he does it. To let them know that if you're the Jets, I'm the Sharks. Okay? Do you understand? When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all along. You bring a coffee bean to the Starbucks to show them who's boss. You drink a sip by sip to show them who's boss. drink it sip by say hip to show them who's boss they say that they don't care secretly it probably makes them feel insecure um worst musical ever so um yeah dude

so i brought a fucking coffee dude i'm sorry dude i'm sorry starbucks but i had to do it to him you know how they say i had to do it to him. You know how they say, I had to do it to him. This is what that phrase was created for. Getting a coffee, showing Starbucks that they need to start making better coffee. You know why? Because that's what you do. It's what you do. Starbucks, guess what you do?

You don't have to because you know. You make coffee. So make it good, right? I get it. It's subjective. But people aren't going because it's good. People are going because it's convenient, right? If there was a Starbucks in my house, wink, then I would never go to Coffee Bean.

But that's what it would have to be. And since there's not a Starbucks in my house, wink, I always go to coffee bean. If a Starbucks was next door, I'd still go to coffee bean. So I did that shit. I was gangster as fuck. And you know, I dressed like a mob boss. I dressed like a fat fuck mob boss. I dressed in a brown pants and a brown top that matched. They're from the same shit. I did that and I fucking, and I did it. I was on my fat fuck mob boss shit, dude. So that's that, man.

And those are the kinds of things I do. And those are the kinds of things that are important. And you're sitting here listening to fucking NPR, right? Everyone's mad at the wrong shit. I've said this for a long time, dude. You take this Dave Chappelle special. I talked a little bit about it last time, or you actually talked about on the patreon episode but dude netflix first of all props to uh ted sarandos for fucking not pulling the thing all right and i'm just gonna it's like

you know people talk about this very you know they talk about it more eloquently than me. They talk about it, but there's one thing that is just true. It's jokes. Okay. It's jokes. And that's it. That's all you need to stop. You need to stop. It's jokes.

So it's not hate speech. Okay. It isn't hate speech because no one's hating. Dave Chappelle doesn't hate these people or whoever he's talking about. You know, it's the trans community this time. I think that's really mad and he doesn't hate them. It's not hate speech because he doesn't hate them. It's jokes and it's art.

Art is supposed to make you feel uncomfortable. It's supposed to not necessarily align with your values or your thoughts. It's supposed to. It's art. Or as Calvin would say, art. Okay. So you can get mad all you want. It's supposed to. It's art. Or as Calvin would say, art. Okay? So you can get mad all you want. We're in a time where it's, where we need to make sure that the people who get mad aren't the ones who are fucking changing everything about fuck the country, the world.

Because when you're mad, you're not regulated. And when you're not regulated, you make bad decisions. Okay? Okay? If I'm home, I love pears. I tell Krista to get pears so much and she never comes back with pears i say how come you don't get pears she says i forgot i said how come you don't get pears i forgot 9 10 12 15 times pears no pears just apples i get mad i get mad i take the apples i throw the fucking apples out the window right that's just what i do i'm mad i'm not regulated

there are ways to talk about this and you know what here's the other thing too it's not even really anybody's fault but the media how about that because ten sarandos after after this happened on uh he said we have no plans to pull it from netflix you know and props to him for that and then he was like uh he put out another he put out this thing that was like you know it's just art relax whatever i'm paraphrasing obviously he didn't say it's just our relax but uh and then later on he came out with the things i realized that maybe what i said was insensitive it wasn't the best thing to say uh i'm sorry or whatever he said right and i'm like oh shit now they're gonna fucking pull the special

the media's had so i read the before i said that so i read the the body of the power the body of the uh the subject and and all the article and it's it's it's not that they're gonna pull the shit it's he's like you know what we're still not gonna pull it i realize i kind of talked uh insensitively i didn't mean to but there's no plans to pull the special and i'm like the way the media fucking put this on the headline was ted sarandos is like stepping back his stance which is not what he was doing so when the media puts out headlines that are that divisive you're just splitting the fucking country it is by no means not the media's fault this and there's the media's so mad at joe

rogan for fucking being a guy that's actually telling the goddamn truth at least trying to as best he can he may be wrong about a lot of things he may be wrong about big things but he's not fucking you you know what I mean? Nobody's in his pockets. So you can get mad all you want, but it's not hate speech. It's not hate speech. You know what is hateful? This, this shit.

What happened here? Man with a, I saw this on, um, on, uh, so, so if the media calls it hate speech, it's like baiting the fucking people who feel like they were hated or maybe not even necessarily hated. It's baiting them to do something about it. It really is. It's irresponsible. It's fucking irresponsible. And they were looking at right here, this guy who goes to the protest, cause they were looking at right here this guy who goes to the protest because they were going to

organize a protest and that happened today i think at netflix where there was going to be a netflix walkout and people were going to protest them leaving this dave chappelle special on netflix by the way there's like fucking 20 people there okay and there's one guy shows up with with a sign that says dave chappelle is funny or some shit or i like dave okay and he's one guy shows up with with a sign that says dave chapelle is funny or some shit or i like dave okay and he shows up this is it this is what i saw so a guy shows up in a mask uh one of the not a fucking like a richard nixon mask of a covid mask and grabs the guy's sign from the guy and breaks it so now this dude who is peacefully protesting doing exactly what they're doing comes and ruins

the guy's sitting there with his broken wooden stick and the guy fucking who broke his sign said he's got a weapon this is exactly what is wrong you created this motherfucker you created this this is exactly what is wrong. You created this motherfucker. You created this. This is something that you created. You bet you with no exaggeration, put a weapon in this guy's hand. First of all, it's not a weapon. Okay. It's fucking half a sign that you broke and this guy breaks it and fucking says he's got a weapon gives it back to the guy you're planting evidence it's just some dude with a beard showing up saying he likes dave chappelle that's what he's saying the sign says we like dave he's not even fucking it doesn't say chappelle he could be talking to fucking owner of wendy's

unbelievable dude this is unbelievable where this i'm out dude and i don't even i don't even think like this is the problem, dude. You take somebody who really doesn't think about trans issues or whatever issues it is that's at the fucking, you know, heartbeat of the media right now. And all of a sudden you thrust this, hey, you need to be on the right side. The media is like, you need to be on the right side. I did a bit fucking months ago about silence is violence. Silence isn't violence, dude. Some people just want to shut the fuck up and, and live silent. Violence is violence. Violence is breaking a guy's property and shoving it in his hand, saying this is a weapon. He has a weapon pushing that guy back. That's violence.

There's no violence. What's hate? The guy's showing up saying, I like, I like, I, this is what I like. I like Dave. And I get it, dude. Like people like, you know, I either get it or i don't but the trans community is marginalized and but when the media says you're if you're silent you're adding to the violence you need to pick a side you're only pushing the people that might join that side

further from your side that's it And it's so fucking obvious that when I talk about it, I feel boring. That's the worst part. I feel like me talking about this is so obvious that when I do, I feel people are going to stop listening to my podcast, not because I'm being divisive, but because i'm being fucking boring that's how obvious it is i mean dude it's laughable man thank god they didn't pull the special dude it's comedy i saw comedians saying like, we support the Netflix walkout. Oh dude, you're a comedian against comedy.

Right? You're a fucking, I mean, dude, it's like you have a liquor store and when they're delivering fucking Dos Equis, you say, oh, none of that here. That's what you're doing. If you're against anybody saying anything in a comedy special, then that's where it starts. I mean, I can't, you know, I get it if, you know, Chappelle was, I saw what he said. It's like, it's just super weird, all of it. And it's sad.

It's sad, man. Because these people are not regulated here at this fucking, here at this fucking protest. I don't know, man. It's Lenny Bruce all over again. Also, it's going to happen again in 35 fucking protest. I don't know, man. It's Lenny Bruce all over again. Also, it's going to happen again in 35 fucking years. It's just going to happen again and again and again and again

and again and again until an asteroid hits us and then, oops, dinosaurs again. Dinosaurs again, cavemen again, fucking all this shit all the way up to, should women vote? Yes, they can.

And then again and again and again and then again and again and again until the new Dave Chappelle comes out except he he's called meatball black blue because that's the fucking names in the future and he's just like hey check this out knock knock knock knock knock and all the crev lords are going to be like no no you can't say that and fucking shrink them down that's a fucking ray gun that shrinks you down and there you go they're going to be like but silence is violence and you're gonna be you're the ones with the fucking ray guns remember dave chappelle no they wiped our memories of him wear your mask what covid 4617 bleak blark oh no Oh, no. Mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock.

We got to fucking think about this shit when there's fun, frinking shit in the world to think about, dude. I got to think about guys breaking other people's signs and causing violence saying, you're being, you're talking is violent. So let me be violent. There. That's fucking violence i gotta fucking talk about this shit and be hacking shit on my own podcast and have you click over to some

mouse i'm giving npr fucking views and lineage of speaking with the fucking alien shit and the meatball black bloat in the crev lores and i fucking dug deep in my balls for that one right i'm you know what i mean and i gotta talk about it because people are like you didn't say anything about the day chapelle you didn't say anything about the Dave Chappelle. You didn't say anything about Ilam Boy. I'm a fucking Ilam Boy. Wag wong. And I'm fucking trying to talk about the fun shit. Like what goddamn Russell Wilson said the other day. But you know what I mean?

So let me save it. Russell Wilson the other day said, what are we doing, dude? Here's my main thing. Okay. Not everybody has to have a personality. That's fine. We need things like wall street, football, cashiers, people who play Frisbee golf, uh, people who own little figure reines of like fucking marvel people x-mens and shit you know what i mean they collect those right guys who think this is something saying this is interesting oh man classic these are all people that don't have personalities and that's fine but you don't need to cultivate shit. If you're just some guy that thinks it's a cool idea to have a fucking night, have night's armor in your fucking den. You know

what I mean? Some guys just have a fucking this shit, right? Like definitely one of the fucking, uh, property brothers has a fucking, you know what I mean? They, I think they live in Las Vegas. I, if a fucking, if one of the Property Brothers doesn't have fucking knight's armor, like somewhere in the vicinity of his foyer, honestly, I'll quit the fucking podcast. I'll quit the fucking podcast. He's got it.

He's got it. And even if he doesn't, that's a trick. Okay? He's got it. I know he does. You're trying to get me to quit the podcast but with all this other shit oh yeah but chrysalis did that cancel him he said this he's a fucking nah i will cancel it if one of the property brothers doesn't have knight's armor somewhere in the vicinity of his foyer all right so it's like it's just it is what it is but my point is you don't have to

have a fucking personality okay you don't have to have a personality you could just be a guy who throws a ball this is america dude you can be a guy that throws a ball you can be a conduct you could be a guy that just does this to some violence. This is America. You want to fucking be, you want to make $200,000 a year by just doing this with two fucking long Q-tips to some guys with tubas. Congratulations. You're in America.

That whole Don or Glover shit. This is America. Dude, you forgot the part where you can be a fucking guy that looks like Larry David. With fucking coffee stirrers and waving them to a guy who's playing a harp in his fucking face. You walk up there. You could do that and make $200,000 a year. This is America.

So you don't have to have a personality so when i see guys online this is what i'm talking about the ladies with their fucking tits out in fucking instagram and it's like oh make no mistake you're hooking you want me to really see that jam on your toast you're really really trying to promote these fucking watches no No, you're hooking. If you have a question about a girl, if she's hooking, guess what? She's hooking. Okay? It's like when you think a guy's gay, guess what?

I like guys. That's him. Right? He's just peeking out the closet. Just fucking seconds at a time. Have you ever thought, oh, I think he's gay and the guy's not actually gay? You're probably thinking, actually, yeah, there was one guy. No, that guy is gay. You just don't know it.

Maybe he doesn't even know it yet. Anyway, dude, Russell Wilson, who, way i think is i think he's whatever he might be but all good you don't have to have a you don't have to have a personality okay it's just like this is what he said okay he i don't even know how to let me just play it morning everyone just i know uh sometimes in life when you begin when you okay when you begin it with sometime i guarantee you just saw like a will smith video like a fucking uh one of those videos of will smith saying something really fucking poetic like you have to be the person that the people want you to be and then it slowly chips away until you can't be that person anymore and that person you basically in essence have to kill and then you have to become you and it's scary right like that's

what will smith said and russell wilson saw this and then was like i'm gonna do my own video right sometimes in life and begin it with the fucking sometimes in life. We fear. We fear what may be on the other side of pain. Made it up. Didn't know he was going to even end the sentence with pain. Guaranteed. We fear maybe what may be on the other side of pain.

Didn't know it was going to end. You can tell. Okay, so here we go an injury oh an injury shows up his broken middle finger but the reality about fear is that oh here's the reality about fear it's not something that's real it's an illusion it's not something that's real fear fear is not something that's real fear who if there't fear, there would be nine people on this earth. Because everyone would have been like, a dino? Let's check its mouth.

Fear is essential. Do you know why fear is essential? For living. If it wasn't for fear, there would be Adam and that's it. Do you understand? Eve would have been, it's just, you need fear, dude. You know, when you're fucking walking up a hill and you're like, God, this is hard. Thank God it's not any bigger. If it was, I'd go home. That's basically fear.

Your fear of losing water and passing out. How about when you see a shark and you're scared, How about when you see a shark and you're scared? Then what? What do you do? You don't go, oh, it's an illusion, chomp. Where's my midsection? Oops, lost my midsection because I listened to Russell Wilson. Fear is an illusion, and that's why there's knives in my eyes right now.

Fear stops you from doing things that kill you. And here I go again with the shit that's so obvious that it's boring. Here, let's finish it. Unless we make it real. Fear is not challenging today, whatever you're going through, whatever fear, whatever worry,

whatever concern you may have, whatever obstacle that you're going challenging today, whatever you're going through, whatever fear, whatever worry, whatever concern you may have, whatever obstacle that you're going to face today and you're facing yesterday and that you're going to face tomorrow. Just run right to it. Run right to it. Run right to it.

Believe that the best days are ahead. Believe that you're going to overcome it all. And keep telling yourself, I'm a winner. I'm a winner. I'm a winner. I'm a winner. And love y'all.

Keep going. Keep winning. Keep believing. Keep speaking life. The power of life and death is in the tongue. That's my favorite part. The power of life and death is in the tongue. Hey, real quick.

What? No, just real quick. Pull over. I have a question for you. Turn the car off. Ding, ding, ding. Had to have you do that because I need your full attention when I ask you this question. What? Dude, Russell Wilson. How much does Russell Wilson look like a fucking kid that you'd sleep over their house when you were younger and then fucking only do it once and never fucking see him again after that? Dude, he does. Dude, Russell Wilson so looks like a guy that your parents would be like, why didn't you hang out with Russell anymore?

Dude, that's so fucking true. Wow, dude. Russell Wilson so looks like a guy that you'd be in fucking for real second grade. And you'd be like, mom, can I sleep over Russell Wilson's house? And they'd be like, yes. And then you do it and then you'd fucking do it. And then you just kind of like fizzle out your friendship after that. Oh, dude, I call him fucking hot, man. He looks like that kid all grown up. Guarantee it happened to him so many times in real life. Fear is an illusion. Hey, check out that dino's mouth. I mean, dude, this whole fucking, you don't have, my point is you don't have to have a personality.

Just chill, baby. Throw a ball. Oh, you got injured? That's cool. Chill until you can throw the ball again. That's all good, dude. I know many, many ballplayers. I know many ballplayers. They're all fucking stupid. Jokes. Jokes. Don't have a walkout. Don't have a walkout, MLB. I'm joking. I went to two Dodger games last week.

I'm joking. All ballplayers are not stupid. All right. Jose Canseco. Yes. All ballplayers. No. Some are very smart, right? very smart. Right. One time I was at a basketball game and my dad, we were talking about porn, you know? And, uh, and I mean, I was fucking so young and my dad was like, yeah, I don't know. I don't think people who do porn are really, are that smart. And I was like, really? That's kind of a blanket statement. I'm like porn, a porn. I was like, porn actors and actresses, they can be smart. And he's like, yeah, I mean, you know what? You're right. They can be smart, but then it's like, even if they are smart and they could do something like really smart with their brain, then they think, you know what? Fuck it. I'll just get my face come all over it

instead. And then that's not that smart. And I'm like, huh, you have a great way of putting things, dad. Even if they are smart, they still choose to get cum all over their face all the time. I was like the meme with the fucking guy. Dad, can we just watch the Lakers? Fucking shit. ah fucking shit fear is an illusion ah I can't breathe I'm underwater I'm scared I'm gonna die fuck it I'll drink it all you know what I mean fear saves you um fear saves you um next topic

fear saves you anyway I um so it's all good, but fear... Dude, the Trump fucking thing that I already clicked out of. God damn it. I'm such a piece of Franken shit. I really am, dude. It took me so long to find it. Here it is.

Here it is. Here it is. Here it is. We got it. Trump's thing about Colin Powell. God damn it. I can't say names, dude. Colin Powell. Also, just have your name be Colin, okay?

So fucking annoying. I know you died and shit, and I want to be respectful, but like colon dude, Jesus Christ, your name's colon. I mean, come on. It's like naming your kid fucking anus ring. Anyway. I know, can't hold back. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I oops. Sorry.

I can't hold back, but it's like naming your kid anus ring, but respect he died. And you know what? People are saying he's a war monger and he's a war criminal and shit like that. And I get it, but those guys need to make hard decisions and i don't know dick okay yeah but he did this and this and that yeah but you know what i don't know dick if nobody i'll tell you what if you're that high up on the political chain and people aren't dying on your watch you suck you gotta kill some people You gotta If you're at the top You gotta You gotta fucking mow Peoples down

I mean it's not I'm not talking about the yeah put cyanide in his drink I'm talking about that gun And predator With a fucking dude just Mowed it Bro you think they're fucking no way dude they're and peoples are less if you're not doing that you suck and that's how it is period

all right every president ever since fucking you know what i mean george washington You suck. And that's how it is. Period. All right. Every president ever since fucking, you know what I mean? George Washington. Well, if he wasn't president, fucking hundreds of thousands of peoples wouldn't have died. No shit. That's that's life. You got to mow people's down. Whether you're George Bush or Anus Ring Powell That's life

You gotta mow groups of people down I'm not talking about groups like five or six I'm talking about hundreds of thousands That's life And oops, unfortunately, that's death Let me get the Gatling gun and just mow down the first few lines. I had to make a tough decision. It may have been wrong,

but that's life. That's life. I went rat-tat-tat into many peoples. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! There was nothing I could do. I had to make a decision really quick because my ego made me

and everyone has one. And just because I'm a powerful person, they think I need to make a moral adjustment in.02 seconds. That's life! I mow many people's down. And yes, most of them are brown, but most of the people in the world are brown, in my defense.

I didn't mean to make them that shade of color, all of them. But I just mowed them down, and those were the ones that were in the way. They just happen to be in the area where the brown people are. That's life! By the way, I'm also brown too pretty soon everyone in the world will be brown anyway dude it's like come on dude it's live i'm gonna sell that song and i'm gonna and i'm gonna be on the cover of the cd and yeah i'm making a cd and a laser disc and an eight track and on the cover of it it's gonna be me in a general's outfit with fucking guns that go and on it there going to be bodies piling up in the background.

And I'm going to be making this face. That's life. I killed whoever was in the way that was giving me pushback on my overall objective. That's life. Push back on my overall objective. That's life. I'm anus ring bowel. Anyway, dude, how is what I'm saying right here less disrespectful than what Trump put in his ladder? Dude, Donald Trump, everyone, I love. Here's the deal, dude.

Okay. And I'm not going to say the thing about how I talk shit about everyone. So don't get mad at me for talking shit about... Because I do. I talk shit about everyone, but we're not going to say it, though. But every time I say, look, hey, fuck this president, people say, why don't you talk shit about that? But I don't do this. Because when I do this, some people say, you don't have to do that before you preface it. So I'm not going to do it.

Dude, Trump, you thought it Trump is just like hell night forgot that's what he's like oh you oh y'all oh y'all thought I was finished Trump's like fucking Trump's like after the first freestyle, this is him. That's Trump, dude. And you're just like, what's he got now? Trump's like right before Ace Ventura went on that rant where he was like soccer style kicker, dude. Trump's like that guy. He's like, it's unbelievable, dude.

Trump got voted out and he became a super scion. You know what I mean? Scion, whatever the fuck. I don't know. Who cares? It's dorky. That's live. Your boy's 41 years old.

He doesn't know the difference between anybody who's a cartoon, a Japanese cartoon with high hair. And dude, he was just like, this is what he said about Colin Powell's death. Be respectful. You're not a comedian. You're a fucking, I'm having a fucking political walkout. Have a political walkout because this happened. So Trump does this.

This is what he said on the thing. And I don't have it again. Ah, yes, do it. I love what my computer fucks up. Oh, here it is. Statement by Donald J. Trump. This is his statement.

45th president of the United States of America. By the way, are the things that fucking let me just say no i'm not even gonna say i'm not even gonna read them but the the uh obama and bush put out like really eloquent things you know what i mean said what you want about either of them but they put out really eloquent things when people die okay trump this is what he wrote wonderful to see colin pow, who made big mistakes on Iraq and famously so-called weapons of mass destruction, be treated in death so beautifully by the fake news media. Hope that happens to me someday. He was a classic rhino, if even that, always being the first to attack other Republicans. He made plenty of mistakes, but but anyway may he rest in peace dude the only nice part is the last four words but anyway dude starts it with wonderful which is fucking angry wonderful great okay wonderful wonderful to see colin pow, who made big mistakes on Iraq, by the way,

and famously so-called weapons of mass destruction. It's wonderful to see him be treated in death so beautifully by the fake news media. What? It's a fake news media? It's beautiful. Hope that happens to me someday. I'm just saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You must have made me wrong. I hope that happens to me someday, right? Because you're vilifying me. But what he did was bad too. So I hope that happens to me someday, right? Because you're vilifying me. The way he did it was bad too. So I hope that happens to me someday. He was a classic rhino, even if that, always being the first to attack other Republicans, and that's fine, right?

He made plenty of mistakes. But anyway, may he rest in peace. And then grabs someone, not his donut, and walks away. And the guy's like, that was mine, dude. By the way, that what I just read was what Trump said. That was how I would do like sides to auditions when I would audition for stuff.

And the stuff that I got was, you know, they don't want to shit, bro. You want good acting, bro? You come to me, man. You come to me. You want good acting? Oh, I me man You come to me You want good acting All got acting in me corner All got acting in me corner Right

You come to me dude You want that fucking regular acting Where somebody's like the fifth lead on CSI And they're like well I don't know The roommate's been gone all week Or do you want a guy Dude that's the thing I saw a fucking clip where Gary People think Gary Oldman's good

He is good he is good But let me tell you something he's been bad Like in the professional And I know I know that's sacrilege Right it's sacrilege Oh by the way that movie he did the other Fucking year where he won the Oscar for

What's it called It's born as shit Oh, by the way, that movie he did the other fucking year where he won the Oscar for, what's it called? It's Born to Shit. What's it fucking called? He played a guy. Who did he play? Capote? Who did he play?

Whatever it is, it's Born to Shit. Do you even remember? Gary Oldman? What? Churchill? Did he play Churchill? Is it called Churchill? What's it called?

It's part of shit! Hey, when I watch a movie like that, I'm like, where are the vampires? I don't give a fuck if they didn't exist in real life. None of this shit did either. You're faking a funk. This is Hollywood. You won't do shit. Yeah?

It was called Darkest Hour. Yeah, no shit. It was called darkest hour yeah no shit it was the darkest two hours as fucking born as shit it was dark for too long because the fucking lights robbed because i was watching that movie and it was born as shit and we all know it and you still gotta fucking you know what that was beautiful that piece that piece was beautiful dude one time i did a fucking table read with a like a really really famous director dude and it was a mini series he came to see me at the comedy store and he's like i want you to come do my table read i was the least famous person there i mean guys there were so famous and some guys are dead now but they were

so good they died prematurely because they were addicted to heroin that's how good these actors were you understand you know how good of an actor you are if you died addicted to heroin. That's how good these actors were. You understand? You know how good of an actor you are? If you died addicted to heroin in your forties, forget it, bro. You got some sort of realness behind your eyes, right? You got more realness when you're behind the camera than you are when you're like talking to your wife, you know? That's where you go to feel real. You know what I'm talking about?

And that guy, I'm not going to say his name, but it rhymed with Sillip P. Moore Kaufman. And dude, I did that table read with the guy that fucking rhymed with Sillip P. Moore Kaufman. And I was the least famous guy there. I actually was the second least famous guy there. But since then, the least famous guy got more famous than me. Yes, dude. And that rhymes with a silo pentagilia.

So it was me, a guy rhymes with silo pentagilia, Scylla P. Moore Kaufman, some woman that rhymes with Puma Thurman. And dude, just all sorts of fucking

Liam Skybar. All of these, that rhymes with Liam Skybar. And dude, it was just killer, dude. And it was fucking, how many, eight hours. The read was a mini series, eight hours. He wanted to do it all day.

I'm not going to tell you who the director was, but he was legendary. He came to the comedy store. I started swallowing nothing. I was just like, he's here to see him. He's okay i i right it's like all of a sudden somebody dropped the fucking sandbag in my esophagus he's he's here to see who it's not sebastian he's here to see me he invited me to his table read

and i did it and it was eight hours long and it was a mini series. And I don't know what it was about anymore because time has passed and it fucking sucked. Dude, it was so bad that I was looking around to the other famous people, like trying to catch eyes. You know, when like you're in a coffee shop and somebody fucking comes in and does some crazy shit and you're like, well, now i have to make friends with everybody in here right because that happened it was like that but nobody was looking at anyone they were all focused on their shit and i'm like dude you don't understand i've got acting in my corner as well

but like why afterwards we closed the book dude and the guy who rhymes with Leab Skybar said, I'm just going to say it, Lipschreiber. He said, well, this is just a wonderful piece. This is a wonderful, wonderful piece. And everyone goes like this. Yeah. And in my head, I go like this. Oh, I'm built different. I'm built different Dude you know

Oh I'm built different The room was so small Dude I was like this Next to fucking Milo Ventimiglia And fucking some other Just so fucking hot And 8 hours dude 8 hours Amelia and fucking some other, just so fucking hot and eight hours, dude,

eight hours. And I'm like, okay. And everyone, beautiful piece, beautiful piece. That's just a beautiful piece. And everyone got, Leah Schreiber. Yes. Yes. And this is even before you did that fucking show where you shoot everyone. Yes. Yes. and everyone beautiful piece beautiful piece that's just a beautiful piece and everyone goes

mm leif schreiber yes yes and this is even before you did that fucking show where you shoot everyone yes yes yes on showtime that everyone says is a good show but really no one's seen it yes yes yes very good the guy the fixer the show for the fixer about the guy about the job that's a job that doesn't exist but you all of a sudden and it's a drama drama and there's zero comedy in it yes yes yes what's that fucking show called roy donovan dude don't have a show with like i gotta fucking watch it like have a show with an alluring title roy donovan when somebody oh ray donovan see it doesn't even matter. Roy Ray. I love how people on the fucking listening to this shit were probably, some of them were probably like, Roy Donovan. Hey, Ray Donovan's also a fucking dickulous.

Right? Roy Donovan, Ray Donovan. I don't give a fuck. Call it Donovan McNabb. It doesn't matter. It's all boring. At least Donovan McNabb would have been a real guy. Oh, dude.

Here, it's like, dude, donovan mcnabb would have been a real guy oh dude here it's like dude name something real name something good this everyone is on me about hey watch the fucking show uh succession not till they change the fucking name oh but you don't know what you're missing doesn't matter how about this doesn't matter how about this dude doesn't matter it's called succession it's called fucking succession like literally the title dog shit would be a better title i'd be like dog shit why they call it that succession dude roy donovan is the worst dude the worst title of all time the commish that was a real fucking the commish they shortened it just call it the commissioner you're not cool usa or whatever the fuck it was the commish dude it was the guy who played the thing in fantastic four the commish dude roy donovan i can't like i'm supposed to give a fuck who the guy is already just hearing his name dude it's so bad that title is so bad what's another one that did that what

was the one fucking uh you know what sometimes they do it with men in history but they has to be really famous it has to be really famous otherwise it doesn't matter what's the one that liam neeson did the fucking uh michael collins or is that george clinton whatever it is dude the guy needs to be super duper famous or it's like if you don't exist or you're not super duper famous and you just name your movie fucking Frank fucking Burton. Oh, you're going to say Frank Burton or you

know what, dude? They're going to fucking, you know what, dude? Didn't Mark, what's that movie? Mark Wahlberg movie. Dude, I love this podcast. Wahlberg, Wahlberg movie. The new one. The new one.

Joe Bell. Dude, is that a real guy? Doesn't matter. Not famous enough. Call it something else. Joe Bell, dude. Also, two syllable names are fucking bullshit. For real.

Joe Bell. Brad Pitt ruined it. After him, don't have a name that's two syllables i'm brad pitt well now what now what some guy's gonna be just named frank you know chuck there's gonna be a guy named fucking rob dick what what's the deal i'm brad pitt i fucking ruined it for you your name has to be either three syllables or five syllables that's it i'm done i'm done i should pretty much end the podcast right now because I said something so truthful. Da-da-da.

Your first name. Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Or your name should be da-da-da-da-da. Right? Think about that. Michael Corleone. That's a fucking strong name. Right? It's a strong

fucking name. Fictitious, but strong. We all remember it. Not because it's in the greatest movie of all time, which I don't even know. Might it be if it came out today? Would it still be? I'd rather watch the first Halloween, right? Michael Corleone. That's some strong shit.

I'll get you with three. You can either have da-da-da or da-da-da. George Clooney. Bam! He killed it, dude. If you have four syllables, okay, right? if you have four syllables, okay, right? But two is, three is kind of banging,

five, if it's real strong, is super banging. Two? Hi, I'm Joe Kent. What the fuck? What do you own a law firm locally and you put out piss poor commercials? Hi, I'm Joe Kent. And if you've been injured in an accident, you need to call my law offices now

from Kent and Kent. It's me and my brother. Me and my brother do law. Dude, I can't believe how fucking lawyers will be like fucking Jacoby and Jacoby. You know, I know Jacoby Myers is one, but like literally be the brothers and it'll be like fucking dipshits and dipshits it's like dude just call it the dipshits law firm you know what i mean dude it's so ridiculous dude

hansel and hansel here to protect you if you've been run over by a fucking motorcycle or Mack truck. Hey, got no legs? Call Hansel and Hansel. Fucking Joe Bell. Eat my ass, dude. Fucking that title sucks. Michael Collins, right? Michael, let me, Michael Clayton. See? It's bullshit. Michael Clayton. Is it a real guy? He's freed slaves or something? He shot a gun? Oh, Michael Clayton. It's bullshit. Michael Clayton. Is it a real guy? He's freed slaves or something? He shot a gun? Oh, Michael Clayton. It's the fucking George Clooney one. Liam Neeson did one, though. Movies. Let's look. Let's see if we can find

one. We gotta stop this fucking... Look at all these movies Liam Neeson did. All the same movie. Unbelievable. But he kills it. But he kills it. Look at the movies he did. Taken, The Marksman, Ice Road, Honest Thief, Non-Stop, Taken 3, Taken 2, The Commuter. Look at this. Unknown, Cold Pursuit. Unbelievable, dude. Run All Night. Same movie, same movie, same movie. He should just come out with a movie called Same Movie. And he's just like, I already did this movie, but I need to do it again. They're paying me $21 million.

Rob Roy. Michael. Oh, here it is. Michael Collins. Oh, I was right. There is a movie with Michael Collins. Ivan gets rid of it. He's like, no, it's Michael Clayton.

Also, another movie with a bullshit title. Here's the one that just Benjamin Buttons. No. And you're going to fucking do it. And you're going to have that post. All right. I'm out. You know what? We're done.

I just remembered there's fucking Benjamin Buttons. We're out? Okay, cool. Dude, Benjamin Buttons. And Brad Pitt plays the guy? No. Danny DeVito plays the guy. I'm in.

Brad Pitt, sexiest man in Hollywoodllywood plays it no he's gonna look all fucking ridiculous as a baby and gross like an embryo when he's fucking old no he just backwards dude i mean imagine i know it's a based on a book novels should just stay novels a lot of the time right because imagine hollywood dude you got to write that shit the nuance and shit but like when you're in the pitch meeting you could just hear these fucking executives be like so get this he's born but he's old right and then when he dies he's a baby he ages in reverse where's my money And they go Here it is Here's 150 million dollars

That idea blows donkey dicks Here's 150 Anyway dude What am I even fucking talking about anymore I'm done I'm gonna go watch the movie Krull I wanna watch Halloween. We got a nugget dude.

Cal got Cal got a fucking, we got a nugget. Kristen is like, ordered something for Calvin. I said, oh really? And you're like, yeah, I got it. It's a nugget. You can fold it any different, which ways it's all a bunch of pillows. It's like nine pillows and you make it, you can make a Ford, a hammock, a fucking bank. You can make a bank and go deposit your money in it it's like oh really and she showed

me how many different fucking positions you could do the nugget in and then she's like and by the way it's crazy there's this fucking parents group on on facebook or some shit reddit and they just fuck on nuggets and it's like a secret society and i'm like hold the and i'm like that's life sometimes you get something for your kids and then you fold it into a bunch of different fort-like sculptures and your kid has fun on the fucking nugget. And then you put them down and you start drinking wine and beer and also tequila, that's life. And you're just kind of laying watching fucking Housewives of Hollywood

on your fucking nugget. And then all of a sudden you give your wife a look and then you just all of a sudden start sloppy kissing on the drunk, at least kissing your fucking nugget. And then all of a sudden you give your wife a look and then you just all of a sudden start slappy kissing on the, drunkily kissing on the nugget. And then you fold it over and you realize you could actually have some fun on it. And I guess we'll watch it tomorrow because we're going to fuck on the nugget.

And that's life! It's all about the balance, man. Anyway, dude, Calvin seems to be having fun on the nugget And I'll tell you one thing I'm never gonna fuck on it, so No, that's it I never really understood the fucking Yeah, let's do it somewhere risky

Nah There's beds Yeah, you wanna do it somewhere risky. Nah, there's beds. Yeah, you want to do it in the back of Costco? What, am I a transient? Dude, this is crazy, man. Like, this is absolutely fucking insane. Are you kidding me? A bed is for sleeping and fucking, and Costco is for moms. That's it.

What am I? A fucking street urchin? Anyway, dude, you guys are great, man. We had a good time and I'm sweating my motherfucking nuts off, dude. Can't wait to get in the shower. And, um, right now I think I'm going to take a cold shower, but I'm going to do the thing that I always do when I think I'm going to take a cold shower. I'm going to fucking get in and I'm going to look at it and I'm going to feel it and it's going to be too cold. And then I'm just going to turn a hot and fucking abandon that idea. That's what I do all the time.

Yes, dude. Go to chrislea.com and get that merch, dude. You know what, dude? This is a cult. Don't ever forget it. Pretty soon we'll be in the tall fucking blades of grass, sitting Indian style, wearing white, maybe not white because that's the KKK, but

also maybe wearing like light blue or something like that. And we're just gonna be sharing ideas. Do you know what I mean? No hate, no nothing to walkouts, just chill shit. And we're going to have a good time. Let's build that log cabin babies. Hey guys, that's the episode to catch the rest

of the episode going over to patrion.com slash Chris D'Elia and you can get the raw uncut edited unedited version uh and there's backlogged episodes also because there's an episode every month and we've been doing this for almost a year now uh and there's backlogged episodes that you can watch that uh you can sign up for and it's just six bucks dude so go on over to patreon.com slash chris talia and uh check all those episodes and the rest of this episode and have a good day congratulations Congratulations. Hey guys, welcome to an another walk. Hey guys.