Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 222. Do Your Research

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 🛎 Thank you: HR Supplements: hrsupplements.com - use code CONGRATS In this episode Chris discusses construction worker schedules, Wyclef Jean dropping CEOs, stupid thieves, and a classic SoCal jingle. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. So for our 40th anniversary, we're having our biggest celebration yet. And whether you've been an Aeroplan member for one year or 40, we're making you the guest of honor. So join the celebration with special Aeroplaniversary offers and 40 chances to win a million points at aeroplan.com slash 40. Rules and conditions apply. Hey guys, welcome to another fucking episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, welcome to another fucking episode of Congratulations. We got it on. Okay, so we've got, look, let me just start out by saying, Chris Leard, the God Tom, we replenished everything.

We've got all the shits. We've got make friends in the comments we got the that that crazy nice mint green hoodie we've got that fucking the new life rip sandstorm shit we also re-upped on the og tie-dyed shit life rips with the sweatpants uh and and you could have that whole setup that whole setup that whole get up and uh it's looking beautiful so go on over on over to crystalia.com to get your merch and also support the show. And also come on down to Flex Avenue and watch us play some fucking video games. I've been starting Grand Theft Auto 5. And my initial thoughts are it's way too hard.

It's way too hard to fucking shoot. It's way too hard to drive. It's way too hard to do all of this stuff. And it's not, it doesn't have as much heart as Red Dead Redemption 2. I will stick with it and I will keep going, but Red Dead Redemption 2 is going to be hard to beat. And everybody knows, I haven't heard one bad thing about Red Dead Redemption 2 at all. I have not heard one bad thing about that game at all. I have not, I have not read one thing about, about that. And some, I have seen and heard and read some bad things about Grand Theft Auto. Some people just don't like it and I get it. It's the more gangster game. It's the more,

you know, run and gun, less storyline, less heart kind of a thing. But, uh, dude, I mean, I had to go to the shooting range to work on my shooting and I had to turn the sensitivity way down way low. I mean, the sensitivity on this fucking controller is going, it's, it's unbelievable. It's like the controller is a fucking clit. I mean, it's just going absolutely bonkers sensitivo. And I'm not, I'm not, it's like, dude, let it drag a little bit. You know, let's do some foreplay, right? Let's start the controller off with some kissing and then work our way to the sensitive part. But no, this controller is all clit. Anyway, I woke up today.

Let me ask you a question, dude. Construction workers. When do you wake up? when do you wake up like when he when do you wake up for starters three three a.m is that when you just start when you open your eyes because Because the construction always starts like 6.30 or 6.00, okay? Or 7.00. Either way, it's too early, okay? And I'll tell you why it's too early. Like, I get it.

Even if it starts at 8.00, still too early. And people are like, well, when the fuck do you wake up? Oh, yeah. They're not going to be on comedian schedules or some fucking ne'er-do-well schedules they're not going to do that they're going to start when the workday starts okay fine but still some people are still sleeping at eight which means you're there setting up at what seven which means you're setting up there at seven if you're starting at eight because i woke up fucking before eight and it was just... And I'm like, they're just chopping down every tree in the vicinity

and then also working on a house next door and then also working on a house across the street and also working on a house next door to that house next door. So there's so many constructions going on. And this guy's in a tree also up above just ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. And I'm just in bed at fucking seven 50, like fall, fall out, just fall out, dude. I tried so many different things.

I try easing my thought. I get up, I get mad. Then I get anxious. And then I use my breathing, right? I use my havening technique that my therapist told me about. Just, you know, just hug yourself. She's like, there's a lot of science behind it. Just hug yourself.

And I can do this when I'm in bed because I can't do it when I'm angry at the DMV, right? Because then I just look like a lunatic, a 41-year-old man hugging himself, right? But I can do it in bed. So I'm trying the havening. It didn't work. I got mad i got anxious okay didn't want to pop a zanny because i didn't feel like stroking it all the way out to zanny island i felt like just kind of doing it on my own but the havening wasn't work it wasn't working okay so i decided you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna try and imagine this is this is the thought i had at fucking 7 50 in the morning i'm gonna imagine i'm the tree trimmer not the guy but the tool

and i imagined myself cutting down the tree uh the the the branches as i'm falling asleep i'm like maybe if i if i'm imagining myself doing that i could fall asleep didn't work popped a pill went to zany island all good dude but that doesn't work so that doesn't work but i only took a 0.25 zany island trip and that's fine dude don't get on me about how i'm a fucking drug addict because i'm not it's prescription anyway it's prescribed by my doctor but i will tell you this dude i'm actually fine construction worker guys if you want to start if you want to start construction at eight that's cool it's cool if you do a full day of construction because then it will end sooner day uh uh bulk wise like it'll end maybe a week earlier if you're doing a whole day of construction. But man, when I tell you these construction guys stop at noon or like one

and I'm waking up now at fucking, Oh, dark 30 ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, because if some guy got up at 4am and drove all the way over and climbed up in a tree and then started woke the fucking baby up, Calvin sleeps with the best of them. I mean, he sleeps fucking hardcore. He sleeps like it's a competition, but not anymore. It was just ring, ring, right outside of his shit. He pops up like, what the fuck is that sound and now you're you're just doing it to now i'm awake and you stop at one what about the rest of the day dude just start at 10 start at fucking noon you'll still stop at four when are you going to bed construction workers who are you mark walberg is this like the fucking. When are you going to bed? Construction workers.

Oh, are you Mark Wahlberg? Is this like the fucking, well, you know, you got to go to bed at 4 PM. So you can wake up at two at two 30. And then you could get that fucking tree trimmer. You can climb all the way up in the tree and they could just rank it. Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. You could just rank it, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. And just wake the fuck up at a crystal and Calvin.

Just wake them up. How are you fucking doing it, dude? What is this schedule that you're on? Everyone else works when they fucking work. It's 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Construct a worker, guys. 7.30 a.m. to fucking noon, dude. Also, even if you are waking up and you're up at 9 or 10 or fucking even if you're up at 8.30,

the last thing you want to hear is rank. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're sipping your coffee and you're turning on the fucking cartoons for your children, or you're having a fucking piece of French toast. You want to hear rank? Dude, let me get through my siesta before rank. You understand what I'm saying? These construction workers,

and dude, they wear the fucking loud, their outfits are all yellow and shit. They don't want to get hit by a car. Hit them. Hit them with the fucking car. Dude, everyone's on their way to work to swipe and sleep out of their eyes. We got to, you got to move carefully around these,

these fucking trucks, dude. They're bigger than the fucking sandworm in Dune. So annoying. I wake up fucking so anxious that my havening shit doesn't even work. These construction workers

are taking me to Zanny Island with no rowboat. I'm going to Zanny Island without a paddle, dude. So anyway, dude, that's how I woke up and I'm like, fuck man, I'm going to be so tired all day. And it's all good though, dude, because I got to pick up my car because the day before, dude, I've had so many, guess what? I got a lemon. I got a lemon. Yay, dude. I got a lemon.

Yay. We thought that it was because rats were living in it, but it wasn't. That was just something else that the rats wanted to do because the car is a lemon and they knew it deep down inside. Yay. The rats had nothing to do with it, dude. A fucking rat flew out of my exhaust pipe, but that wasn't it, dude. Oh man, there's been so much wrong with this fucking car, this fucking high-end car that I wanted to get, that I've always wanted in my life.

And it's just fucking awesome, dude. And I just fucking, I finally got it back. They rebooted the whole computer. They thought I needed a new transmission. I didn't. Dude, and then they rebooted the computer. They recalibrated everything. I brought it back.

Dude, as soon as I fucking drove it out, I got it. I got it back. I drove it out. I went to go put the window drove it out, I got it. I got it back. I drove it out. I went to go put the window down. Oh, awesome. Went to go put it up. Guess what? Came with my fucking fingers. The fucking window flipper thing, dude. Took it off. Woo. Yeah, dude. I took it off. I tried to pull the window up and I took off the fucking thing with it, man. I took off the thing with it. So now I'm holding the thing, driving the thing. thing with it man i took off the thing with it so now i'm holding the thing driving the thing so fucking pissed off shouldn't have got a lemon is that this shouldn't have got a lemon i want i want to buy what's that thing 1982 car commercial here it is

dude he pulled it up because we knew it because we're both from the same area here we go dude look what toyota of orange is giving you every time someone says you got a lemon dude i always fucking say i always think of this dude i always think of this shit weekend a self-service sale it's a whole new way to jack an off sale every car and truck and stock is discounted and the new low sale price clearly marked on the windshield just find the one you want and buy it for less 16 salesmen available and only when you need them huge savings friday Set 80s. This is the part. 9 a.m. to midnight.

If we were construction workers, it would be 4 a.m. It didn't do it. You should have got a lemon from Toyota of Orange. Dude, Jingles will stay with you, dude. Jingles will stay with you your whole life. It didn't do it. You should have got a lemon from Toyota of Orange. Dude, jingles will stay with you, dude. Jingles stay with you your whole life. How about that? How about jingles are fucking absolutely from the devil?

Because they stick with you your whole life, dude. They're the herpes of music. You can forget a Justin Bieber song, and those are catchy as shit. You can forget Mbop before you forget, and you shouldn't have bought a lemon. You'd just be walking down the street and I shouldn't have bought a lemon. People are like, that guy fucking hates fruit.

From Toyota of Orange. That one that says fucking go see Cal, go see Cal, go see Cal. Dude, there's one, there's a car place. The car ones are the worst, dude. In LA, it's always like, come on down to Tustin. It always Tustin dude and they'll just be like go see Cal and then it will say go see Cal go see Cal go see Cal go see Cal go see Cal go see and when I was a kid I used I fucking swear to God it sounded like I thought it was I thought it was pussy cow pussy cow pussy cow it's gross the mind of a sex addict from toyota of orange oh you shouldn't

have bought a lemon shouldn't have bought a lemon a sir jingle but dude man. It's annoying that, uh, that my car is a lemon, but it's a lemon. And even my fucking assistant was like, you know what, dude, by any,

every, every, uh, every definition of the word lemon, your car's a lemon. You should get your money back. And I was like, ah,

well, we'll see if it's fixed this time. That's the thing, dude. It's like an abusive relationship. It's like a fucking thing. It was like, well,

we'll see if it works this time. Well, we'll see. We'll see if it works this time. Cause it's hard to get cars now during covid everything's fucking jacked the fuck up anyway um so whatever i may be turning my car in i may not i don't know yet dude but i told um i i was i mean it's just so annoying so now i'm holding the fucking i i got it fixed though i had to go i brought it back and i put the thing on in it and

they they got the part and they put the window in the window where it works. And the truth is shouldn't have bought a lemon. Shouldn't have bought a lemon. Um, that's it. No, you found it. Is this it?

Wow. One fire is just sending me random links about cars and none of them are right. Yes, dude. One fire. That's so fucking amazing, man.

I love when he sends me Unnecessary links Unnecessary links Um Dude I fucking Uh How about the fact that

Oh do you have it right here Maybe he says Maybe he says Send it dude You gonna send it or not Is Maybe he says, maybe he says, send it, dude. You're going to send it or not. Is this it? You won't get a lemon? Here it is.

Toyota of Orange. You won't get a lemon. Here it is. Hello, I'm Alan Mosnett, Toyota of Orange. A robot. For over 48 years, we've said you won't get a lemon at Toyota of Orange. Here we go. That means you're driving a reliable Toyota.

Here we go. It also means you're getting the best deal on every new Toyota in stock. The Tuba, you know? Camry, Tacoma, Corolla, you name it. Here we go. It also means you're getting the best deal on every new Toyota in stock. The tuba, you know? Camry, Tacoma, Corolla, you name it. Here we go. Simply make an offer and drive your new Toyota

home. How have we stayed number one all these years? By turning lemons into oranges. Ace Ventura. How have we stayed number one all these years? Here we go.

You won't get a lemon from Toyota. Why aren't they doing the thing? Oh, wow. It used to go, so you won't get a lemon. I shouldn't have bought a lemon. Wrong from Toyota of Orange.

Kristen thinks it's orange. And I say orange. And I fucking tell Calvin orange. And she says, say orange. And I say, no, it's not orange. Phonetically, it's orange. And she said, well, let's look it up on Google. And Google guy came up and he was like, orange.

And I was like, that's not phonetically correct. I'm right no matter how many times she fucking proves me wrong. Yes, dude. Anyway, enough of this bullshit. I told him how it goes. I don't need to know how it goes. But construction workers, you need some more fucking sleep, dude. Sleep when the world sleeps.

It's poetic. need some more fucking sleep dude sleep when the world sleeps it's poetic um but yeah uh i don't understand what the fucking deal is my son i don't know what to do he loves time out like he does something bad and then i say that's it that's it and i fucking get the the thing that we put him in it's like a little baby prison you know it doesn't it's no bars it's not inhumane it's it's like a play area but i take all the toys out and i put him in there and he's just like this just looking at me just like this holding his hands over the fucking thing just like and i'm like be mad dude be upset that you're in there and he's just and i'm like you fucked up and this is your punishment be upset

learn and he's just like that and he just runs around rolling around all in the fucking playpen and he's just killing it he's out there he's there they're killing it dude he's got a fucking killer imagination he's in his head who knows what he's thinking of he's thinking of fucking gumdrops and and blues clues and he's just having a ball he doesn't even need toys i mean he likes toys but in his head he's like i mean i. He doesn't even need toys. I mean, he likes toys, but in his head, he's like, I mean, I'll use them to accentuate my imagination, but my imagination rocks.

Put me in the closet. I don't even care. Like, that's what he's like. It's so fucking annoying. I say no, and he does it anyway. I say no, and he does it anyway. And then I fucking put him in the fucking thing,

and he's like, cool. Got my imagination. He could be like the most fucking biggest serial killer of all time they'll throw him in the in the hole in shawshank redemption and he'll just be like all good i got gumdrops and blues clues in my head so he just loves it he loves fucking time out i don't know what to do maybe i should just sing him the Lemon song. He probably would hate it.

No, he'd love that, dude. He's so happy, man. He started saying Calvin D'Elia, and he goes, Calvin, ta, and it's not even fucking close. Say it better. Ta, say it better. Pow! Say it closer. At least do the right amount of syllables.

I'm a good dad, but don't push me. I'm a good dad, but don't push me. Wow. Snarky. Celebration is a universal language. It connects people wherever they go. And for 40 years, Aeroplan has taken our members all over the world. So for our 40th anniversary, we're having our biggest celebration yet. And whether you've been an Aeroplan member for one year or 40,

we're making you the guest of honor. So join the celebration with special aeroplane anniversary offers and 40 chances to win a million points at aeroplan.com slash 40 rules and conditions apply man i don't even know about how fucking to talk about this goddamn uh uh wyclef video wyclef dropped the the CEO of Jaguar on his goddamn head. Let me just say it again in case you think you didn't hear me. Wyclef Jean dropped the CEO of Jaguar on his head. That sentence should never be a sentence. Nobody, first of all, nobody over the age of four should ever be dropped on their head.

Okay? You can slip and fall and hit your head, but just don't get on people's shoulders, adult. Also, CEO, ain't too valuable to be doing that. Hey, guy who's in charge of a huge company, ain't too valuable to be getting on one of the fucking Fuji shoulders. What are you, you totem pole? Keep your head level. Wow. Worst totem pole ever.

Why Cleve Jean and the CEO of Jack of Jaguar? It's so bitch, dude. It's always so bitch when somebody gets on somebody's shoulders and they, and then the guy takes a step and you've got to reach out and grab the guy's hands. And the other guy's like this from under you. And he's like this holding you up and you don't know how to do it it's so jerky and

you're secretly making these noises but it's always loud because you would only do that in a loud place you would never do that alone in a silent place look at this title wyclef jean drops ceo of jaguar land rover on his head at a party oh oh jaguar land rover i don't what the fuck is that just is it jaguar or land rover is it both the same i guess i don't know dude it's so bitch how he falls you know he got super hit hurt and rocked so hard because he fucking um because he gets up when he gets up he's so stunned dude like that's when you're in the most pain is when you're stunned like if you're going oh fuck oh you're you're not as you're not in more pain than when you're just like this you know is somebody cooking broccoli like that's what you're just smelling all sorts of shit

because you got rocked in the fucking head. Here it is. Wow. This song. So bitch. Also, let me tell you another reason why you shouldn't be on somebody's fucking shoulders. Because if you are, dude, a man's fucking head is touching your dick and balls you're smooshing your your nuts in the in the nape of a grown man's neck you're smooshing your fucking balls in the nape of the fucking fuji's neck hey don't do that also hey don't put the even worse part about it is if you're the guy on the bottom you got someone's balls on your neck

from toyota of orange you shouldn't have put someone's balls on your neck shouldn't have put his balls on my neck from toyota of orange Shouldn't have put his balls on my neck. Wong. From Diana of Orange. Dude, whose idea was it, you know? Whose idea was it, dude? I'll tell you right now. Why collapse?

Get on, get on. In his Jamaican collapse? Get on, get on. It is Jamaican accent. Get on, get on. The CEO's like, well, I don't know. Get on, come on, get on. Hey, also, dude, if you're the guy in the suit, you'll be on the bottom. Did the thing so fucking bullshit? I can't believe how much the CEO of Jaguar Range Rover or Land Rover, whatever it is, looks like the guy who fucking would give the transporter all the info for his mission.

I can't fucking believe it, dude. And he's just, and Wycliffe is so heroic in the thing. He's just like this. And the CEO of fucking, is so clumped over and just cock in the back of his neck. Oh my God, dude. dude here here we go so bitch oh fell forward oh shit dude so stunned so stunned smells broccoli the song dude the song dude Dude, this song, dude. And I want to use your love tonight.

Whatever the fuck that song is. And I want to use your love tonight. Just cracks his fucking nose. Wow, that's hilarious. Also, think about Wyclef, his fucking journey that whole time. Just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And he hits his head too. But at least fucking it doesn't hurt as much because he has the CEO of Jaguars pillow balls to fucking break his fall.

Actually, they're on the other side of his neck, other side of his face. Wow, somebody just commented, dupe, D-O-O-O-O-O-O-P. So here's what happened. The Range Rover, the guy hired Wyclef Jean to play a corporate event last night, and he accidentally dropped the CEO on his head. God, what a bad fucking idea. Dude, all of it, man. Dude, the internet is so good and also so bad. Like, God damn it. They're both fucking living such a shit day now because it's all over and everyone's making fun of it.

You know, back in the 90s or the early 2000s, it was just all, the only thing was just fucking, it would be like the next day Jay Leno would be like, so the CEO of Jaguar got bonked on his head. You know, he was like, well, the Fuji's, you know. So the Fuji's, you know, so's like, well, the Fugees, you know, so the Fugees, you know, so it looks like the new album coming out is, you know, so anyway, I don't know, just, that's what it's gonna be. So anyway, and then go on to the next joke,

and then that would be it, dude. But now the internet, this shit just lives forever. So the Fugees, you know, so senior, you know so so senior you know so that's uh so so that's that that's just all it would be dude dude the casualness of fucking talk show hosts with their hands in their pockets you know fucking so you know you know just another day at work you know so just so the fugees so here's what happened, so the CEO of Jaguar's balls were lonely, and he felt like meeting up with the nape of the neck, so anyway, so,

you know, that's what it was, so, so anyway, that's what it was, the nape of the neck, so, um, yeah, dude, god damn, what's the fucking Fuji's one, uh, killing him softly, am what's the fucking fuji's one uh killing him softly and then what's the what was the other big one fuji song um what was that big one no woman don't cry no no i know that's not originally their song but dude that fucking they did that one no woman no cry and dude i one time walked by a guy when i was in high school and he was passing me and his name was fucking brandon dude and the guy fucking was the guy who would like eat 20 tacos and been like and hey dude you would you would be you would like order 20 tacos from del taco and he'd be like hey chris ask me how many tacos i just ate and i'd be like how many

tacos did you just eat he's like this is number 19 i got one more and i'm like oh cool man you know that was that guy and like everyone had that guy in his school but this guy fucking uh was that no woman fucking this guy walked by in the halls of locking out of high school once and i heard him saying and he was saying no woman goodbye and i fucking never forgot it what is it ready or not here i come that's what it is gonna find you and make you want me already or not dude i'm good and that's just me without even fucking warming up. Ready or not. Here I come. Come, come, come, come.

Gonna find you. And that's just fucking, that's from jump. You understand? That's without the fucking may, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may, oh, may. Oh, this is so funny, dude. This video. Holy fucking shit This guy got caught trying to steal

A package off of people's porch This is a video one and it's hard to explain without the fucking video But holy motherfucking shit It's a TikTok Porch pirate caught Yeah it's done you're done First of all the way the guy comes out And just starts filming and he says yeah it's done you're done

Like cause he got his license plate and everything. Amazing. The cocksure-edness of that guy is unreal. Also at this point, just tackle the guy and grab his phone. You know what I mean? Like you're so fucked. So then this guy in his Toyota Camry pulls back and hits an embankment of snow. It pops the car up

and the wheel isn't on the ground anymore. You're done. Cops is coming. Look. Cops is coming. The crook gets out of the car and gets tries to push the car, dude. It's two tons.

This is so funny, dude. He tries to... Fuck, Dan. Your wheels are not spinning anywhere. You're caught, you asshole. And the crook... By the way, the whole time, the crook has his mask on for COVID.

Not like a fucking crook mask on. Like, he's like, yo, I'm going to steal your package and fuck your life up, but I definitely don't want to give you the disease that kills 0.01% of people. Did you call? Look, they're just having like, they get to the point where the guy's trying to get the car to the car.

And they're casually having a conversation. Did you call the police? Yeah. Dude's mistakenly honking his horn. This is fucking hilarious. Under the car, trying to dig. The wheels keep going. Going to run him over, you know?

Wow, it'd be amazing if it ran him over. And gets back in his car casually. Like, so out of breath at this point, you know? Heart was pumping for so... This has been a minute and 13 seconds already of a mishap. And the guy's just... Now the guy's walking up.

My favorite part is at the end, they try to help him. They're like, you're not... The car's not moving at all because guy's just now the guy's walking up my favorite part is at the end they try to like help him they're like you're you're not the car's not moving at all because it's off of the watch wow it's front wheel drive you need to you need to get the other it's front wheel drive you you need to get the the wheels on the ground the other......... It's front wheel drive. You need to get the wheels on the ground. ...

The fucking guy, dude, he tried to coach him on how to get away. He just tried to steal a package of his. And the guy's like, you gotta... The wheels aren't on the ground. It's front wheel drive. And the guy says, please, no, please, I'm sorry. Like, so out of breath. And still has his fucking n95 mask on then the cops show up amazing dude

and they arrest him And they arrest him. That's done. You're done. Wow. Wow, dude. Oh, the fucking, you got to keep, this is what it is, man. You got to keep your cool.

When the shit goes down, you got to keep your cool. Right? That's the life lesson from there. Now, I know what that guy was doing was wrong. Right? But the shit that fucked him up was gotta get out of here and he drove up over the curb and that's when he went over the fucking snow embankment a little bit and his wheel popped up if he had just kept it cool breathed a little bit backed out and then three-point turned it he would have been fine but his heart told him no no no no let's beat

extra fast because you're in trouble and And his brain went, yeah, the heart's probably right. Back up, back up, back up. Cut it, cut it, cut it. And then his fucking, it told his whole body to cut the car way too soon. Relax. When some shit goes down, relax, my baby. Just relax, dude. Be like James Bond.

Remember the Pierce Brosnan James Bond? One of the worst James Bond when he fucking, when he just tried to breathe through when he was on the fucking hospital bed and he knew the cops were coming or whatever, or the bad guys were coming and he had to just breathe through. He just had to breathe through and lower his heart rate so that it put him into a coma. It put him into, he lowered his heart rate so much that it put him

into a coma and he put him into a coma and then they fucking took him to the ER and that's when he got away. You can do that. If you can do that if you can do that um wow crooks who fuck up are amazing you know i'm loving when crooks fuck up when when they can't get the ATM out, you know, when they try to jerk the ATM out,

and the ATM is fucking, they don't realize an ATM is, they try to put it on the back bumper, they hook it onto a back bumper of a truck, and they just try to drive out of a 7-Eleven, and the bumper of the truck, and the license plate come out, so they drive away,

and then the fucking get caught, because the license plate is there, amazing dude, amazing, amazing dude, dumbest crooks, world's dumbest crooks, that's a fucking, that's a show that honestly, Brian Callen would be a talking head, talking head on in fucking for TBS. World's dumbest crooks. Those shows fucking suck, dude. If you're a comedian that does world's dumbest shit, you should be ashamed of yourself. Like just start a goddamn YouTube channel, you know? goddamn youtube channel you know um what's the fucking uh what's the thing what's the thing i wanted to look up oh the q anon guy shaman the q anon shaman guy this guy's a real fucking asshole

you know first of all this guy was in jail he's sentenced to jail for 41 months this is he thanked the judge at his sentencing for hearing for allowing him to have a fully organic diet while in jail like dude man you know you don't get what you want and here's why not because you're a crook because you're obviously a fucking crazy person and if you're a crazy person you don't even necessarily know what is best for you or what you even want. The fact that a judge would be like, sure, that's fine. Kale and butternut squash.

Let's do it. That's so fucking stupid. 41 months in prison. Everyone's obsessed with this fucking asshole, dude. I guess he's the face of this whole Storm the Capitol thing. But let me just tell you something. Every time I see this guy, this is a guy who just is an utter crazy person that looks so fucked up but i'm always struck with the fact that he has the absolute nicest set of

fucking teeth i've ever seen i mean this shit is so lined up he looks like a uh like one of those like rich cartoons that smile and go, ding. Like that's how he looks. This guy, dude. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit.

Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply this shaman jacob chansley also known as a q anon shaman shaman uh inside the capital oh man i watched that documentary it's so fucking amazing how these people are such idiots that they think that fucking they just group think is the worst man they just start thinking literally that this stuff is happening. Do your research. Anytime someone says, do your research, I'm out.

I'm out. How do you do your research on the internet when the internet literally has everything, every opinion, every fact and non-fact that you can look up and it all acts like it is a fact. There's no research that you're doing. You dumb fucking Wells Fargo banker. You know what I mean? You Wells Fargo or a fucking, a guy who works at like a bodega on the fucking, like, what do you, what do you work at a surfboard shop? Oh, you're going to do your own research and your brain's going to sift out the right information.

You're dumb as fuck. Derelict brain. You know what's up? sift out the right information. You're dumb as fuck. Derelict brain. You know what's up. Nah, but do your research. No, it's too late. It's too fucking late. And then I say, well, just trust the guys at the top. And they say, how could you trust the guys?

That's what they want. They want you silent and they want to control you. Okay. Consider me controlled also my day is the same no matter what you think fucking dude biden sucks trump saw they all sucked they're all at the top i was too young to even understand what ob might mean. I don't even know, dude. Every president sucks.

I've said this before. They got to make hard fucking decisions and they fail all the time. They're people. Oh God, I don't even want to, I don't even want to talk about it. I don't care. I don't even care. And you know what? I don't even know. Maybe don't even want to talk about it i don't care i don't even care and you know what i don't even know maybe biden maybe trump maybe they're fucking maybe they needed to

do what they did i have no fucking idea dude and i'm not going to pretend like i did because i read a fucking article at the on the atlantic it's so annoying dude do you whenever someone says do your research i write them off i'm done nope nope i'm done oh why because you did it because you did it guy in a fucking billabong shirt and cargo shorts oh because you did it i don't know. I love doing this podcast. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. No ads. And also the whole episode. The rest of the episode.

We do this cut for YouTube. Appreciate you if you're a Patreon member. If not, we appreciate you also. It doesn't matter. We appreciate it. No matter what. But yeah, man. shit y'all so it doesn't matter we appreciate it preach no matter what but uh yeah man i want to oh you know what i want to talk about is uh i went to the haha cafe the other day i want

to i want to talk about the haha cafe Cafe in North Hollywood, California. It's on Lancashire. I started doing standup there. That was where my first show was in LA. And it was such a great place for young comedians to come up and do stand up and get stage time and really cultivate like their jokes and i did there a lot of people think i came up through the comedy store and i did but that was like i always felt like the when i started doing stand up that was the open mic shit the haha was the place and then i very quickly went to the comedy store and that's when I really like cut my teeth. But, but the, the Ha Ha Cafe was the place where I would go and I would go every day and I would start doing the open mics every day. And it's such a great place.

And I haven't been back, uh, for probably 10 years. And I just, you know, my buddy was going over there. He's like, why don't you come? And it's a new place. It's down the block now. It's got a new, uh, new, uh, venue. Uh, that's even, that's nicer. And I didn't know I hadn't been to it. And I went there and I saw Terry who owns the, um, who owns the club. And it was so nice to see her, man. She's such a sweet lady. And, uh, I gave her a big hug and I just wanted to shout out the haha cafe because i went on stage

there and it was cool i went on stage i was just it was a pop-in um i wasn't even planning on really going up but um it was a show with a lot of young comedians and it was nice to watch them do stand-up because it reminded me of when i first started you know and in a lot of ways i still feel like i'm fucking figuring out as a standup comedian, like a lot of comedian that people always ask me, like, when did you make it? Or when did you realize you're, you could do standup? And I always answer, like, I'll let you know, because, um, it's a constant, you know, game or profession of evolution. You know, if I watch my old shit, which I don't, I don't even watch it really period, but like, I don't even know if I've ever seen, I think I saw a man on fire, but I don't, I don't,

I haven't seen my last one. It's just, it's just, I don't like to watch it because I just, it's done after I shoot it, but it's a process and it's an evolution. And, um, so I was watching these young guys and, and I decided to go up and, and I went up and when I went up, it was kind of emotional for me, man, because like I started there and now here I am back there. And these other guys are now in this situation and this position that I was in when I first started. And it was just a really nice night for me, man.

Um, I felt like I got back to my roots and it felt really good. And I just wanted to shut that club out because a lot of people talk about the comedy store. A lot of people talk about the laugh factory. A lot of people talk about the improv in LA. Um, but there's a fourth club and it's the ha ha cafe. And it's a great fucking club, especially for young up and coming comedians, man. And they do weekends too. They got big guys there, but like, I don't know, man, every now and then there's a special night there at the ha ha cafe and it's really fucking cool. Uh, so support that club if you're in North Hollywood. Um, cause I love it. And it was nice to go back there and to see everybody again. I'm back. I went to the bathroom, you know, uh,

bathrooms haven't been so good for me lately. I'll be honest with you guys. I'm going to be brutally honest with you guys. And it's probably because of all of the, uh, man, I had been good with my diet for a while because also, you know, how hard I work out and fucking carry weights around and, and, and how stupid I go with the kettlebells. And I'm so sorry to break your heart strong guys, but I do, I fucking get really elevated and super angular with the kettlebells and it goes, and you know, you know, I go fucking nutso with those, but I, um, I've also been taking it, eating a lot of fucking

pizza. I don't know if it's because I've been thinking about Papa John a lot lately, but God damn, I eat so much pizza. It's fucking ridiculous. And one of my friends is like, you know, pizza is not really that bad for you. It's got a good balance of protein and this and that, if you get the right things on it. And I'm like, I let that, I let myself be tricked by that. And I just get pizza, man. And I got a pizza the other day and I got dominoes. And if

somebody is going to slander dominoes, I'm going to be all pissed off. And you don't want that. You don't want me to be pissed off. If you're going to be slandering dominoes and then you come talk to me and be like, you know, pizza huds better. I'm done with you, dude. I'm absolutely done with you. I'm absolutely done with you. It's like you're saying, do your own research. Because to me, that makes you a moron. Because Domino's is the shit. And yeah, I get it.

There's other better pizza out there. But when it's midnight, there's kind of mostly not. So we got Domino's and Kristen was like, what do you want to get? And I was like, I want a pizza with pepperoni. And she's like, okay, can we get half of it? And I say, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me stop you right there. Whatever you want to get, you get that on top of the pepperoni pizza that I want. And she was like, but I want some. And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me stop you right there. I want all of it. I want all of it.

And I forced myself, oh, I forced myself to get thin crust. Okay? Because I'll tell you right now, I'll eat a whole goddamn pizza. I'll eat a whole goddamn pizza. And I'll try to do it slowly, but I won't. I'll eat a whole goddamn pizza very, very fast. And I did it. And I tried to do it slowly

and I was doing it while I was on Flex Avenue playing video games on Twitch. I did it, but I fucking did it slowly because I was in between shooting civilians and the game and taking chomps of fucking pepperoni pizza. If you can't eat a whole pizza, you ain't shit.

Dude, Kristen looked at me. She's like, I can't believe I ate half a pizza. And that was crazy for her. Dude, she's about 110 pounds. That was nutso. Nutso for her. But my God, dude, I'm built like a fucking sturdy house. I ate the whole thin crust pizza. And that was nothing, dude, I'm built like a fucking sturdy house. I ate the whole thin crust pizza and that was nothing, dude.

I forced myself to get it. I can eat a whole pizza. How much pizza? As a matter of fact, how much pizza is there? Okay. That's, that's the amount I'll have. You order for you. We're never doing this.

Let's order for everyone type bullshit, dude. Cause then I got to feel like an asshole where I'm eating most of the stuff. I'll get what I need and you get what you need and we'll all be happy, dude. And if you have some leftovers, I'll eat that too. The only reason why I didn't eat Kristen's leftovers was because she, I didn't, I don't like fucking cheese pizza. What a waste, dude. Cheese.

You're not going to get some fucking nice saltiness on it with the fucking pepperoni. You're not going to put any mushrooms on it. No supreme shits. Now, I'm not a meat lovers, dude, because I don't like to get interracial with my meats, man. I do not like to get interracial with my meats, dude. Sausage is for sausage pizza. Fucking pepperoni is for pepperoni pizza. Meat lovers where it's got sausage and pepperoni.

And then because they call it meat lovers they have to add other meats in it that aren't even good on fucking pizza like meatball dude meatball is its own thing okay don't put a meatball on a fucking pizza that's like putting spaghetti on a pizza how fucking italian can you be at a certain point you get too italian you're not italian anymore putting spaghetti on a pizza. How fucking Italian can you be? At a certain point, you get too Italian, you're not Italian anymore. So, like, cheese is a waste.

That's a wash. You know what I mean? You might as well just get bread. But you put that pepperoni on there. You throw fucking three. Some places, they skimp out, you know. They put fucking one or two pepperoni slices on the pizza. The fuck out of here.

Marron. You put fucking nine pieces. You put fucking, you split it up. I tell you what. You put four and you put four on the other one or you put nine on two, right? You split it up and you cut it right down the center when you're making the slices. Marron. Right? That's the center when you're making the slices. Marron. Right? That's the way I like my pizza, dude.

So anyway, that was really important. My poopies are horrible because I ate a whole fucking pizza last night. Let's talk about some misconnections. We it back babies misconnections um and we picked some nice ones some nice ones for for that ass right now i know you like misconnection here we go here's the first one in uh la usc norwalk area chubb looking for his chaser right to the point latino man this is the body latino male five this is the body and the

body if you know what i mean latino male 510 bottom chub hiv std free ub2 wow use you know it's like okay into kissing getting fucked getting, sucking, looking for a regular thing if you can host. It's a crass, it's to the point, it's disgusting. You know, what's wrong with the world? Into kissing. That's my favorite. Into kissing and getting fucked, getting rimmed, sucking. Pretty much all of it.

Also like sex. Also like fucking talking. Just everything. Here's another one. Jock looking. Okay, this is the title. Jock looking this. Safaran?

LA based? Tough Alpha. LA based tough alpha, tough alpha XXX tall man who promised to let me play with his horse. Please get back to me when you get a chance. Thanks. Oh, meat. Don't know what it means. So Irish.

Um, oh, chance. Oh, meat. Period. You period. I mean, God, this guy fucking clean it up a bit huh won't be disappointed i love horses this guy's like a batman villain horseman and ever since then i was when i was a kid i was fucked by a horse and ever since then i've had an unhealthy obsession with horses and now i am horseman let me know if you'd like oh meet me

can we can we best him I don't know he's so tough and he's such an alpha he's a tall man who promised to let you play with his horse please please get back to me when you when you get a chance

thanks oh meet oh Please get back to me when you get a chance. Thanks, Omid. I love horses. Wow. Here's another one. Fun-filled time handball. That's the fucking title. Fun-filled time handball. That's the fucking title. Fun-filled time handball. This is the body.

Gay white male looking to have a fun-filled time engaging in a little handball play with an experienced top with small hands. I must travel. Dude, is that part of the kink? I can't get off if I don't travel. Gay white male looking to have a fun-filled time engaging in a little handball play i get it he's talking about getting jerked and massaging his I must travel Just so fucking definitive Whoa, whoa, whoa You're coming over here?

I don't think so If you'd like to make a call Please hang up and try again Message C5 Oh, this one was removed. Wow, OneFire sent me one that was removed. All good. Well, maybe the guy got what he wanted.

Maybe he fucking squirted it and then deleted it. Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go. Here's Lesbian Stud Norwalk. Man, Norwalk is some fucking, they got some creeps down there that just love this fucking Craigslist website. Looking for a lesbian stud who secretly craves to be pleasured by a man's tool um discreetly meet and polish my tool polish every time i hear polish do i think it's someone taking a fucking

like a like a rag to a cock and just like spraying pledge on it. Ride it or just let me smash those cheeks. That's so gross. Message back if this is you. Dude, ride it, discreetly meet and polish my tool, ride it or just let me smash those cheeks. Wow. The great thing about this is you can discreetly meet me and either polish my, it's, it is good. My body is good for polishing my tool, riding it, or just letting me smash

those cheeks for a limited time. I will be up and gone after you let me smash those cheeks or polish my tool. Here's another one looking. Oh my God. Oh, and it was flagged for removal because, uh, on the link here, I could say, he says looking for a lady to eat out. Kay obviously got dismissed. Um, yo, here's a good one. Oh, this is, I'm fucking, oh God damn it.

It's gone. It got removed already, dude. He just fucking sent them to me. This one's called. I miss the guys. Fuck. I wish I had that one them to me This one's called I Miss The Guys Fuck I wish I had that one dude This one's Looking For Dave Looking For Dave

In Laguna Niguel And then the body is Looking For Dave Or someone like Dave He was a great flute player Talking about sucking cock Wow imagine like being like, wow, I don't know how I stumbled on this sex stuff, but I love playing the flute.

And then you go over with your flute, and the guy's just got his fucking cock out. And then the guy with the flute opens his door, and the guy's cock is out, and the guy with the flute just goes like this. Uh. Uh.

The guy with the flute just goes like this. The guy with the flute just goes like this. Oh. Oh. What a funny visual, dude. I'm so excited to go play the flute with this guy, man. It's going to be fucking awesome. Oh, fucking god damn it um well that's it right is that good is that 53 and then we did the thing okay cool

um well you guys thank you for listening. You guys are great. And remember to go to crystalia.com and, uh, pick up some merch, uh, crystalia.com and, uh, had a good time. Oh, let me shout this guy out actually, before we stop this guy on, uh, on the discord on, on my Patreon, patreon.com slash crystalia. Um, uh, his name is Will Shotwell and, uh, he's, uh, he may, I get, okay. So, well, he made this message.

He wrote me this message that he, he always hoped that one day would run into me. It says, I always hoped that one day I would run into you at a coffee shop somewhere. I could buy you a nice Americano or four shots over ice. He lives in Florida. He can't do that, obviously. Uh, so he included a, uh, a gift card to Starbucks, which is really sweet. And I know he's a fan, so he knows that. I think that it tastes like the back of a cow's mouth.

But also sometimes I drink Starbucks. But that's very sweet. Anyway, he said, I noticed you speak a lot about doing what you're passionate about and congratulations. And I think your words finally got to me. Almost 10 years ago, I started a company where I made small runs of leather accessories and then quit because of a lack of motivation. Your words played an important role in re-motivating me.

And it seems like all I want to do is create in a shop while I listen to your podcast. And wow, that's very sweet. This card wallet is an example of one of my latest designs. And I think it's perfect for coffee runs, silly goose times at diners, and even covering tabs for Brian Callen's, his bank account is all dented up. It all goes, it goes on and, you know,

I don't know how much I should read, but it's very sweet and that's very cool, man. So thank you. And it's nice, you know, I do this podcast because I love doing it. And I don't cool, man. So thank you. And it's, it's nice. You know, I do this podcast because, um, I, I love doing it and I don't even, you know, I, I do sometimes think about how I, you know, people are listening and, and, um, and how it may affect you and, and, you know, but I don't know, I don't know. And it's nice to get these messages, uh, every now and then.

So I really appreciate you, Will. And I appreciate the gift. That's really, really, really nice and really sweet of you. Um, so yeah, go check out his thing. It's a resignation, American handcrafted quality leather goods, leather goods. Yeah. Well, that's it guys. That's all for youtube uh if you want to catch the rest of the episode and have it be commercial free and all of our backlogged patreon only episodes there's plenty

of them go on over to patreon.com slash chris talia and it's just six bucks a month patreon.com chris talia go and just kind of snoop around. Have a good time. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Let's do it.