Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 223. Leveled Up

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris discusses neck tats (yes it's real), what he will and won't watch, the abundance of Spiderman movies, and calls his dad to determine if he's a senile pasta thief.  🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey, guys. Welcome to the Feel Good Podcast. Congratulations. Crazy. Congratulations. And Chris Everett, check that. Remember that shit with Jim Rohn? We talked about that on this podcast before. Go figure out, guess what episode? Who knows? Who knows, man? We've talked about so much shit.

It is episode 223 of Congratulations, the world famous feel good podcast of the century, dude. Isn't that great? Yay. Yay. The feel good podcast of the century. Yay. Anything feel good fucking sucks. He's a hater, my babies. He's a hater. I don't like feel good. I was talking about how dessert sometimes is too deserty and somebody said this man will hate on anything. And it's not that. It's the sweetness. It's the sweetness. If it's too sweet, I'm out. Things need to be

diluted. Otherwise, you keep going. You keep banging and banging and banging and banging and banging and banging. And before you know it, you keep banging and banging and banging and banging and banging and banging. And before you know it, you're eating a McRib and you're liking it. You can't be liking it. You can't be liking a McRib. You know why? Because McRibs are absolutely fucking atrocious.

And if you're liking McRib, you piece of shit. Now that's over on the, you could go see me on my second YouTube channel, More Chris D'Elia, and where I just put out a McRib thing, uh, where I'm fucking, uh, evaluating the piece of shit McRib. And then I also have a new video out, uh, where I'm baking a pie and I fucking killed that pie, dude. I made a pie so good. I had my daddy and my mommy eat it, dude. And guess what happened? They said, Hey, guess what,ris you gotta make two pies for thanksgiving dude how gangster is that your boy didn't know he was a pie maker your boy didn't know he was a baker dude what the fuck what do i have a what do i what am i a character in a lifetime movie fucking in a lifetime movie uh fucking in a

lifetime movie said it with the wrong accent and the sentence was done before way before i thought it was in a lifetime movie in a lifetime movie what am i a character in a lifetime movie dude that's the kind of fucking mother dude i gotta buy whatever dude i made two pies and they i made one pie i'm gonna make two pies for thanksgiving episode will be after Thanksgiving But the pies will be fucking fantastic, man The first pie I made was fantastic Anyway, dude Go get your merch at crystalia.com We got the new Life Rips set out

We've got the new By the way, the Sandstorm shit It's going, every time I restock it That shit flies off the shelves Crystalia.com, I'm so sorry to break your heart Strong guys, we've got that merch We've got the uh uh make friends in the comments merch and that shit is mint green it's just so drippy you guys it's so drippy we've got short sleeves long sleeves we've got pants dude we do it all man and we've got mugs too we've got life rips

mugs out there chrislea.com that's the newest thing um and i'm drinking from the me right now um mug from matt delia he sells those um so yeah um so that's what's up dude i i just i i gotta keep saying this because people aren't really understanding what i'm saying like i try to get the message out here by using this podcast, my platform, hundreds of thousands of people watch this shit. I mean, we have episodes that go up into the millions. I'm trying to fucking tell you guys, I'm not watching fucking succession. Okay. I'm not watching it. This is for my friends, for my family, for my fans. I'm not watching it. Don't tell me to watch it. You don't have to tell me how good episode five was this season, that it might be the best episode of the whole season. I'm not watching it. I don't do that. And if I didn't watch

Squid Game as early as I did, I wouldn't watch that either, dude. Okay? Your boy found Squid Game real early on. I found Squid Game way early on, dude. game way early on dude you know why because i'm not racist dude i'll watch anything they don't have to be speaking english they don't have to all be white all of those people were korean in that and i watched it before i knew it was some hot shit okay now everyone's going on and on about korean shit about you gotta watch this you gotta watch that and guess what watch some other korean shit after that because everyone was like oh if you like that you gotta watch this and guess how bad it was so bad squid game is good the other stuff that people say is better than well actually well actually if you like squid game you actually got to see you know

what you should see you got to see the one with the no it's bad the new show hellbound on netflix that the guy from train to busan made it is bad i didn't fucking make these rules right i didn't make these rules but the thing is bro there's too many shows to watch i don't watch them when they come out i'm in control of my body and i'm not fucking watching tv shows here. Here's the thing. The world created binge watching. Thank you, world. So that's it. Now I get to binge watch. Oh, you motherfucker. You want me to tune in to weekly television? What is this? 1994? What am I trying to watch a fucking commercial? Dude, I'm watching, I'm binging. That's it.

You created binging. I don't, I don't go backwards. Oh yeah, but you gotta watch Succession. Oh cool. Oh, where do I watch it? Well, yeah, actually it comes out every week. Oh, stop right there. Stop right there, dude.

I wait till all of this shit is done and it's dumped on HBO Max and then I can watch it. But guess what? I don't, stop right there. Stop right there, dude. I wait till all of this shit is done and it's dumped on the HBO max. And then I could watch it, but guess what? I don't watch it right afterwards. I don't do that because some shows are banging and then drop the fuck off. And then I'm caught in the middle, right? I wait years after this shit, the show has to hold. It has to stay on the test of time. Breaking i saw that in 2020 you know how gangster that is i wait i wanted to watch it but i wait i saw lost in 2020 i saw dexter five years after dexter i wait because the last thing you're doing is getting me on the fucking hype train and clicking on fucking oh homeland's good cool oh middle. Amazing. Oh, this is a fucking banging show. Oh, Homeland

season two. I'm out. Right. Remember when everyone was up and you got to watch only got one. And then season two of Homeland, everyone was going like this. Uh, so anyway, there's another show called 24. Then I don't dude, I'm not getting caught in the middle of that shit. The show will be the whole show. Every episode will come out and then your boy will try to binge watch it. But just not yet though. It has to stand the test of time. The Wire, I watched it way later. Sopranos, I'm still not done with it.

That's how gangster I am. Do you understand? Talk about a show after, then I done with it. That's how gangster I am. Do you understand? Talk about a show after, then I'll watch it. The good ones, that's great. Make the show, make the whole show. Make the whole show, take a break, let the society figure it out. Nobody talks about Homeland. I wouldn't have fucking even thought about Homeland right now.

I'll never watch it. Didn't stand the test of time. Season one was good. Season two was all right, whatever. I don't even know how Homeland right now. I'll never watch it. Didn't stand the test of time. Season one was good. Season two was all right, whatever, but I don't even know how far it went, but that was all the rage, dude. You didn't trick your boy. I didn't get caught dead in the middle of Homeland. No fucking way, dude. No way. You created binge watching. So now I binge watch. I fucked up and I put on the Dexter, new Dexter thing, True Blood. I thought it was a movie and then fucking it's one, they're like next week. I'm like, ohxter thing, True Blood. I thought it was a movie and then fucking, it's one, they're like next week.

I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake. I thought it was a movie and now I've realized that there's going to be like 10 episodes of the fucking bullshit and I'm stuck. This shit better be good.

They changed the intro. Remember the fucking intro used to be like, and now it's all fucking slick and shit. Don't fuck with a good thing so that's that's my you know my thing about the binge watching thing stop just stop telling me how good succession is i'm not gonna but you really should okay i know you have a thing, but you really should. My friends would be telling me this. And Mark Wahlberg, stop.

You're done. You did it. You did it, dude. What's with the clothes? He's got a clothing line now. Why? For what? Dude, this is what I don't get about these uber successful motherfuckers.

I get that it takes a certain mentality to get them. But Mark Wahlberg, dude, the rock, like when he's tequila, really? You know, tequila,

Kevin Hart, you're making underwear. Mark Wahlberg is making fucking. What are you doing? Kevin Hart, what are you doing with your law network? You know what I mean? Like, what are you, what's LOL network? You know what I mean?

What's the end goal? To be a quadrillionaire? They just don't stop. Mark Wahlberg has a clothing line. Mark Wahlberg has a clothing line. What's it called? Municipal or some shit? Don't ever get the municipal clothing.

We got the sweats. We got the tops. Good for working out. For what? What the fuck does Mark Wahlberg have a clothing line for? Hey, man. You're in Four Brothers. Chill on the crewnecks.

You know? Hey, dude. chill on the crewnecks you know hey dude you're in transformer you're not even transformers one you're in transformers four chill on the sweatpants i don't get it why because i can because i. Because I can. I think that's the thing. It's like, because I can. Like, rappers, I get it. You're, you know, rappers dress like fucking lunatics. But Mark Wahlberg just puts on a shirt and jeans every day. You know, I want it to come, I want it to come correct because they're like, not a good cut.

Fashion designers, good, the fucking, the fucking, you know, I don't like the cut of the shirt in the wall burgers. Oh, you make, you make burgers, dude. Hey, Mark Wahlberg, you don't even eat burgers. Look at your body and do it. Now you're going to chill out in your clothing line, eating yourberg, you don't even eat burgers. Look at your body. And dude, now you're going to chill out in your clothing line, eating your burgers. Dude, fucking Wahlburgers. It's a play on words. Like just did it because it's the play on words, dude.

You can't have a company that, although it's successful. Who the fuck am I to know? Who the fuck? Wahlburgers, dude. They're good as fuck. Have you ever had a Wahlburger? God damn, dude. They're good as fuck. need that although it's successful who the fuck am i to know who the fuck wall burgers dude they're good as fuck have you ever had a wall burger god damn dude they're good as fuck i'm gonna get some municipal clothings yeah but mark warburg what's the end game here you're gonna be the president you know dude you know the rock is running for president right you know the rock is running for president. If, if the rock dude, if the rock doesn't run for president, I will stick a turkey baster

full of gasoline up my anus and sit down. Are we good? I will do that. If the rock dies of reg of, you know, of old age, you can't get hit by a car because it's like you know people come up with it well he didn't run and he did die so technically here's the gasoline with the turkey baser go sit on it if he dies of old age and doesn't run for president yeah i'll probably be if that does happen i'll probably be 65 or something i'll remember remind me dude if i still have this fucking show, shoot me. But remind me.

I'll do it. There's no fucking way. Dude, you got to know people, man. You think The Rock isn't gearing up for a 20, no, a 2032 election? You're out of your goddamn mind. You know how The Simpsons predicted everything? This show's predicting everything from here on out. The Rock 2032. Hello, vote for here on out. The Rock, 2032.

Hello, vote for me. I am The Rock. I died 1,000 years ago. Yeah, dude, The Rock. That's it. Oh, and he's going to win. Can you smell what the president's cooking? Just getting drunk off his tequila, wearing municipal shorts. Mark Wahlberg is his VP. You know, I really think, though, just getting drunk off his tequila wearing municipal shorts mark walberg

is his vp you know i really think though just getting behind the rock was really the idea to go um as a matter of fact dude that's gonna be what it is that's a ticket the rock and mark walberg president vp 2032. Yeah. These guys, when do they stop? Kevin Hart, he was in a feel-good movie with fucking Bryan Cranston. When does it stop, dude? Oh, fuck. When I start doing movies, dude, forget it. That's it. That's it.

I'm going to be in a Lifetime movie, dude. I will be in a Hallmark movie. I will be in fucking Days of Our Lives. I'll do all sorts of crazy, janky shit. And I'll also do that good shit. My guys are doing it all wrong, man. I don't get it. Yeah, I got a neck tattoo, dude.

That's what's up. It's real. Put the fucking, let's put it to bed, dude. It's real. I loved it. I posted it on my Instagram and everybody, there were so many people like, you can tell it's fake, bro. Yeah, right. You can tell it's fake. Look at the, right. You can tell it's fake.

Look at the third pic. You can tell it's fake. What about this? What about how it's real though? It's real, dude. I'm all in. You lean in. You lean in.

I don't give a shit. For the longest time, I wasn't getting tattoos. I always wanted tattoos. For the longest time, I didn't get tattoos because I was like, well, I don't have to cover it up for jobs or this and that. I don't want to distract it from my standup. I don't give a fuck. Look at it. Look at it all day long. I don't get tattoos because, you know, I was like, well, I don't have to cover it up for jobs or this and that. I don't want to distract it from my standup. I don't give a fuck. Look at it. Look at it all day long. I don't care. I love it. I love it. I had a little bit of a fucking, as soon as I got it, I started driving home and I was like, oh my God, what did I do? And then fucking five minutes later, I was on dude. It hurt like a motherfucker. You know what

people say? Do neck tats hurt because it's your neck and it's a sensitive area. You know, think about it. Think about when someone kisses, you're like, right. Think about like that second time you're starting to like make out with the chick. And then she's like, goes for your neck and you're like, like, it's a real sensitive area, right? Like if you're ever, I don't know, it seems like a two, two, like if you're, if you're kissing with someone, you know, whether you're a guy or a girl and you're kissing It seems like a two, two, like if you're, if you're kissing with someone, you know, whether you're a guy or a girl and you're kissing a guy or a girl, like the first time,

if they're going for the neck shit, that's a little much. Right. But the second time, if you're going for the neck shit, okay. Cause we're a little bit more familiar with each other. Right.

It's a sensitive area. You don't want to go to that sensitive area right away. Right. What if they don't like it? So the second time you go for that sensei area. Right. And so that's what, that's what you do. And so the neck is a sensitive area.

So when I get the fucking neck tattoo, I was like, is it going to hurt? And the guy's like, yeah, it's going to hurt as much. That's the thing about tattoos. For those of you who don't have tattoos, they hurt as much as you think that they would hurt. But there's something that they don't tell you, and I'm going to get into that, okay? Now, this tattoo took about two and a half hours, two, two and a half hours. It didn't take that long. I thought it was going gonna take a long time.

Most of the time it took was him drawing it out. Um, um, I'll shout out the guy afterwards, but, uh, so I wanted to get this 40 with a rose coming through it. Right. Uh, there's 40 days between all of my family's birthdays. Like it's very weird and coincidental. Uh, Calvin was born February 18th, 20 to 1820. Add all that up together.

It's 40. A lot of 40. 40 was a transformative year in my life. A lot of things are connected. A lot of connectivity with the number 40 in my life. So it's like, oh, shit, this is going to be a banging tattoo. And I decided to get it and I'm happy about it. All right.

But I wanted to do that. I wanted it toan something because it's on my fucking neck right i don't want to get the goddamn roadrunner or whatever the fuck my friend went in high school one time i was in when i was in high school we were at the ymca working out and he had a fucking yosemite sam on his ankle. And he fucking got, and it got like caught in a car accident. And Yosemite Sam was like all jagged and shit. And he was like, the only thing that makes a Yosemite Sam tattoo worse is a scar in between his fucking goddamn mustache. It looked awful, but it was hilarious. Anyway, so I'm sitting down like how much is going to hurt? And he drew it out.

It took two hours. He drew it out. And then I sat down. He's like, it's going to hurt. You're going to, you know, it's going to hurt as much as you think it does. First hour, I realized something. Oh, I must be a tough guy. It doesn't hurt at all.

It's sensitive, right? But it doesn't hurt at all. Oh, I realized, oh, good thing I'm getting this neck tattoo because I'm a tough guy because it doesn't hurt at all. Oh, I realized, oh, good thing I'm getting this neck tattoo because I'm a tough guy because it doesn't hurt at all. And I'm like, these motherfuckers out here say tattoos. Some people say, oh, it didn't hurt. Dude, this didn't hurt. This didn't hurt. I got one on my chest. It doesn't hurt. I have one right around my anus and I don't, but it just doesn't hurt. Right. An hour in no pain. I'm like, oh, I guess I'm a tough guy. I always wondered, you know?

I haven't been in that many fights or anything like that, but I always wondered if I was a tough guy. And right now, the first half of this neck tattoo, I'm realizing, oh shit, good thing, I'm a tough guy. The second hour of the neck tattoo, I'm not going to lie. It started hurting. Now I realized it was because, you know, the first hour he was fucking opening it all up. And then when he was going over it, he was going over it again and it was opened all the fuck up. And he was just for the already tender area. So now i'm less of a tough guy but i'm like i could deal with it 15 minutes into the second hour we're about an hour and 15 minutes in

it it feels annoying but my it wasn't the pain it was the fact that my body was like hey get out of here what are you doing though my body was going like this so it's hey it's really uncomfortable um it was like a next door neighbor and the party's too loud it's just hey just i'm trying to sleep it's past 10 and honestly your hubba stank is too loud and if you could just turn it down i'd appreciate it that's what my body was doing imagine that then for 45 minutes dude my body wanted my body was like what are you just just get away from what's happening and it wasn't the. It was the amount of uncomfortability my body was in laying there, just having to sit there and do something that wasn't pleasant. And my legs were

twitching. I was breathing heavy and I was like, ah, it was so fucking annoying, dude. And when he finished, oops, I leveled up. When he finished, oops, I leveled up. Right? I walked into that parlor. A certain amount of sexy. And when I walked out, I was top notch sexy. Oops, I leveled up. Right?

I walked down the street different now. Okay? Your boy's got something crazy about him I'm super mysterious Why would Crystalia get an Uh oh that's just how it is It's different now So when you look at me You see my face but you also see 40

It's a little different now I'm all in dude these motherfuckers are out here you know oh you're hardcore okay well I got a fucking 40 and a rose on my neck so it's all good that's how hardcore

your boy be I'm gonna get more dude I'm gonna I'm lucky you're lucky if I don't get a fucking eagle around my throat I don't know man Um Fucking wall burgers you know Uh Uh

There's a new um what do you call it? Uh, um, uh, what do you call it? A website, social networking website called space. Hey, have you heard about this one space? Hey, dude, this one space hey dude it's a on this oh we did okay dude space hey it's a fucking throwback to like the retro days of like myspace it looks just like myspace it's called space hey okay the worst fucking name first of all call it call it Hey Space. Space Hey? What kind of fucking Down Syndrome shit is that? Space Hey? Hello, Space Hey?

That's like if a Down Syndrome dude was in a rocket near Mars. He'd be like, you know where we are? Space Hey? Fuck it. Cancel me. I don't give a shit. That's what it's like, dude. Space, hey. Space, hey, dude.

Dude, hey should never be the second fucking word in your thing, you know? If you are walking, if Mark walks into a room, Mark, hey, you've been doing some shady shit hey mark that's nothing mark hey you were fucking mark's wife mark hey mark's house is on fire mark hey you just fucking lost mark's life you know, fucking stocks. I'm taking Les Gabapentin now so I can remember words. Yes, dude. I'm taking Les Gabapentin. Yes. Yes. His legs are fidgety, but he's still busting and keeping it real.

So, yeah, dude. So I do. So Space Hay. So it's called Space Hay. And it's for fucking absolute losers space haze for fucking losers and it's because dude just give it up you know what i mean myspace was a thing it came and went then you got facebook it came and went now your grandpa and grandma's all on facebook that's fine give it up instagram is a thing and it's slowly becoming

nothing and now it's tiktok whether you like it or not but guess what it's not space hey dude it's not okay who's on it fucking 60 year olds so fucking so ruthlessly sad to be on fucking space hay, how many people are on space hay, what do they have, like a fucking 100,000 people, that's hilarious, just 100,000 people in fucking JNCO jeans, um, we gotta watch this fucking video, dude, we gotta watch this video right here this guy this video is so fucking funny kid gets hit in the crotch moans and farts all of the things i like all of the things i like in a video dude and how long is the video oh dude it's fucking 12 12 second. Oh, dude. It's not even time out of my day I watched it countless times do it look at this kid figuring this shit out. I

have a question does anyone know how to actually use these things because I Seriously have no idea Dude I have a question does anyone know how to actually use these things because I seriously have no idea Dude why is he bust man? Why is he fucking bust snap? Ah? Snap ah wettest fart dude wettest fart, dude. Wettest fart, dude. What a fucking wet garbage fart.

I have a question. Does anyone know how to actually use these things? Because I seriously have no idea. Bro! Bro! Keeps farting at the end, dude! Fucking falls down and the fart's like,'re not done oh my god i have a question how come does anyone know how to use these things because nobody i

i just seriously don't just so sad there's no there's nothing worse that's ever gonna happen to this person you know dude the fucking little closet he's in that's in 19 million fucking homes in california dude the fucking goddamn look at this shit i That's good. Does anyone know how to actually use these things? Because I seriously have no idea. Oh. Just a dying animal, dude. Just a deer that got shot. I have a question. Does anyone know how to use these things?

Because I have seriously no idea. Dude, the worst sounds that have ever been all together, dude. Imagine busting and shitting like that, dude. Holy shit, man. Why does he bust, man? Guy's got a pain kink for sure. God damn, that's hilarious. Oh, fuck that fucking. Oh, fuck. Dude, did you know that 1.2% of people in America are schizophrenic? Oh, dude, I didn't know that. Oh, figure out schizophrenia, doctors. That's too many. 1.2% of people in America think that there's like basically 1.2% more Americans. Do you know what I mean?

That's insane. Schizophrenia is that thing where you think other people are around you. How many people do schizophrenic people think are in America? How many people are in America, by the way? Like 500,000, 400,000? Oh, I'm sorry. How many? Yeah.

3,000. 3,000 people? 300 million. oh i'm sorry uh how many yeah three thousand three thousand people three three hundred million oh for fuck what what would i say three hundred i meant three hundred million god damn it fucking fuck i i'm still taking got a penton how many people are in america 330 million okay fucking that's so many people to have schizophrenia. How many people is that to have schizophrenia? 30 million people. 30 million people. 30 million people. Come on.

What is it? 39 million people. Hell yeah dude That's way too many people That have schizophrenia Right? Oh saying hang on The worst mathematician

And he has an iPad Right in front of him One fire One fire dude Whatever it's a lot of people dude I don't need to know Schizophrenia Dude that is so many people

That think that there are So many more people Than there actually are That that is so sad How many? so many more people than there actually are that is so sad how many oh this is a fucking debacle this is a travesty how many fucking 4.8 million people no it's more than that dude it's 30 million people it's gonna be 30 million for fuck's sake dude i i wish you had microphones at this time point so i could just so we could talk but we can't dude It's a solo show

We keep it that way Cut a lot of that shit out by the way But dude I mean so many mistakes were made there God damn so many fucking mistakes I said 330,000 people were in America I meant million I thought I was saying million

But dude I have a fucking god damn I need to get this guy. I need to wean off my gabapentence. But anyway, dude, my point is that there's too many people that have schizophrenia. And it's not even fucking interesting anymore. I was going to go on a whole thing and I just don't even care about it anymore. But that's the beauty of this podcast. Yes, dude.

Some fucking topics crash and burn. Yes. Fuck yeah, dude. dude some fucking topics crash and burn yes fuck yeah dude oh how many fucking what I want to know for real is how many fucking spider-man movies are there

first of all How many fucking Spider-Man movies are there? First of all, I saw the new movie coming out called Tick, Tick, Boom, Boom, or whatever the fuck it is with that guy who plays the first, the second Spider-Man. What's his name? Andrew Garfield. Okay, dude. It's a movie where he plays a piano and sings. I don't like when all of a sudden actors are just going to sing throughout the whole movie. You know, like when Ewan McGregor did it in Moulin Rouge, all of a sudden actors are just going to sing throughout the whole movie you know like when ewan mcgregor did it in moulin rouge all of a sudden he was you were just like okay i guess he sings i don't know you know and now fucking andrew

garfield's doing it in a movie called tick tick boom worst title of all time all good right people will watch it anyway because andrew garfield because netflix all good from the creators of fucking uh lou manuel manuel whatever that guy's name is all good doesn't matter feel that's fine my point is there was a fucking billboard on it that said uh um urgent performance by andrew garfield that was the thing they used to put on the billboard urgent performance dude like like like the the cock sucking balls that these motherfuckers that these critics just say it's great these critics try to come out with so many different ways to say how something's good this is so urgent before get up now by the way it's

streaming go now this is an important when they say people say an important bit an important portrayal by the fucking chick that's in the goddamn new men in black movie that chick is always the fucking darling right now right the the lady with the who is in the i don't even know she was in black mirror and then she was all of a sudden in 900 hollywood and things and now she's doing a movie in black and white i don't even know her name it doesn't matter i never want to know it but it's just like she a gut-wrenching ripping performance they're just saying urgent performance what do you mean it's on netflix i could just watch it whenever an urgent they don't even give up they're just saying shit this movie is an unbelievable ferrari it's just fucking.

Just say it's great. Dude your job isn't a job. The most urgent performance. In the last decade. Dude he's singing playing the piano. Saying tick tick boom boom. He's fucking Spiderman. For fuck's sake. Dude what's the fucking how many spider-man movies are there is what i'm getting at how many 900 how many how many spider-man movies are there and who's spider-man now i'm 41

who's spider-man now there's all sorts of motherfuckers playing Spider-Man every fucking five years. And it's like, it's the new James Bond. And then how many, and why is it always, Hey, Spider-Man comes home. Spider-Man back home, home, home, homecoming Spider-Man home slice, Spider-Man, the home slice. Shut up. In cells. Fucking butters. Shut up, incels! Fucking butters, shut up!

The anger comes out. How many fucking Spider-Man... Shut up! God, I hate my fucking... I love my dogs. I never think about them. Spider... It's like...

My favorite Spider-Man was Andrew Garfield. I'm the only guy who doesn't think that he's the fucking good Spider-Man. What's his name? Tobey Maguire just sucks because he's just, dude, Spider-Man's gotta be a little bit good looking. Tobey Maguire is just a guy you would walk past in Ohio. You know what I mean?

You just walk past him and someone would be like, did you see that guy? And you'd say, no. That's who Tobey Maguire is. Anybody's name. Also, dude, like your name's Tobey, you know? What is this bullshit? Are you kidding me?

This movie review? Tick, tick, boom, boom on Netflix. Watch an itchy urgency when an itchy urgency needs some scratching. This is the fucking goddamn shit. It's just a movie, dude. You know? It's not voting. These critics are the worst.

All critics. Every critic. You know? Why are we making them have a job? It's one of those fucking non-jobs like i always say like hitch on fucking uh with will smith that's not a job um but what was i talking about uh uh spider-man dude i mean it's just like and then the tom holland is that his name oh i love that kid i love that guy that dude just always like spoiling movies and shit that he's in

he completely spoils every movie he's in doing uh doing uh uh promo for it but he's just uh he's pushing it he's a good actor he's a fucking great actor but just like spider-man was andrew garfield to me dude he's handsome but also seems like he might be an aloof dork that's who fucking peter parker was that's it dude i don't talk about it anymore i'm done i'm done talking about that there's 900 spider-man movies i played a little gta and i'm trying to get into it but it's no no Red Dead Redemption 2, dude. People are talking to me like, oh, play The Witcher 3. That's got heart just like Red Dead.

I get it. But dude, I don't know, man. I'm not really into that fantasy shit. You know, Red Dead Redemption. That was how life was back then in GTA 5. That's how life is right now, dude. It is. I just don't know about The Witcher, but I'm going to try it.

I'm going to try these different games. But Grand Theft Auto is just like so fucking, it's hard. It's hard for me. You know, it's hard. It's hard for me. I'm 41 and it's hard for me, and I play on Twitch. Come on down to Flex Avenue and join us. And people are like, bro, you're so bad. It's so hard to watch. But dude, I can't help it, man. I learn as fast as I learn. What the fuck's up with that Hezbollah guy?

What is he, like three feet and 40 years old? I don't even know. Can I even say that? That three foot guy that they're trying to get to the UFC to fight another three foot guy? Like, dude, you know what I mean? Like, and what's the, what the fuck? This kid's just sitting in first class with stacks and a mask, an adult mask on. It's covering his eyes because he's so small.

And then, and he's just got stacks of whatever the fuck money this is in this picture. What's the deal with him? I don't know. I don't know. What does he do? What's his job? Nobody, this is the time we live in now. You don't even need to have a job.

You could just be a fucking person that looks a certain way and then get money. You know, whether you're a fucking hot chick on TikTok dancing a fucking renegade, renegade, renegade, or you're just some fucking short guy running around acting like you're 40 years old. He is, I guess. Then all of a sudden you just get money. Remember in the eighties when you had to actually do some shit, when you had to fucking, remember the nineties when you had to fucking like literally like start a grunge band from the ground up and it took fucking 15 years before you could start being like, oh yeah, selling out a goddamn Troubadour.

Now it's just renegade, renegade, renegade, renegade. All you got to do is fucking, it's unbelievable, dude. What I do know is I made fucking two dollars on tiktok today um so that's what's up oh we're 55 minutes in wow that really flew by i don't know man man. Who knows anymore? Who knows anymore? I'm just fucking do it. I went, I got, I got that. How many times can Postmates fuck up by the way?

60% of the time I ordered a burrito. They showed up with a fucking empty bag. Here you go. It just had the sauce in it. I'm like, bro. I didn't, you don't even check it too. Every time I pick it up, but I, cause I don't, I let them, you don't even check it too. Every time I pick it up and I, cause I don't, I let them leave.

I say, leave it outside of the thing. Sometimes they still knock on the door or ring the doorbell. It literally says on my thing, baby's asleep. Don't ring or knock. And they'll just ding dong. And I'm just, you know, just leave it out there fucking. And then I show up and it's just like some Kleenex and a goddamn, some fucking barkarks root beer. And I'm like, what the fuck, dude?

And no, no burrito, dude. I got a fucking white bean salad and a burrito. Just the white bean salad show up, shows up. This is what happens when motherfuckers are out there dancing a renegade on TikTok. And you get a career just for looking a certain way that's the end of civilization when you get a job because you look a certain way it's over mod unless you're a model right actor maybe if you need to fit the part but like fucking goddamn dude whatever who cares who who even knows anymore

i gotta go i gotta go to the bathroom so bad i think i have to stop so we can cut this and i'll have to come back and finish up because i gotta go about them so bad i'm back dude i had to go to the bathroom sorry i had to go potty i'm glad though because i while i was doing i was going to the bathroom i remembered this shit dude we had over, uh, like my mom and my dad and, uh, they came over to eat dinner and we had another friend of ours here and Calvin and Kristen. And I, I actually, I haven't talked to my dad about this yet. And I want to talk to you guys about this first, because I don't even know why, but I think it'll be fucking funny because my dad listens to this podcast and he's definitely going to hear this.

But like, so we got pasta. This is a fucking minor thing, right? But we got pasta and, uh, I got three angel hairs. I got spaghetti bolognese for Kristen and I got, um, uh, linguine and a pink sauce for me. Pink sauce didn't show up. It was red sauce. Anyway, got pissed. It was Maria's Italian kitchen.

You know, the fucking story I told about it and they didn't fucking do the pink sauce. Got pissed, but it's all good. I also got two caprese and I got a fucking salmon, whatever. I got a shitload of food. The most thing that we had that was the angel hair pasta, right? I was like, you can't go wrong with that. The people are going to like it. My family's Italian.

It's fine. My parents said they didn't care what we were going to eat. So fine. So it all came and I got the fucking shit, uh, the, the green and pink sauce for me. They didn't have a pink sauce and, uh, it had a red sauce. So I was like, I just put it in my bowl and I brought it over to the thing. It was all this stuff was on the kitchen island. So I put it in the bowl. I brought it over to the thing. All this stuff was on the kitchen island. So I put it in the bowl.

I brought it over to the dining room. And I see my dad with angel hair pasta. Okay. And then I see Kristen bring her spaghetti with meat sauce over to her dining room table. Then I leave to get up to get a drink. The only person at the dining room table now is my dad with his angel hair pasta. Okay. I go get the drink. I come back and I notice in my dad's dish is angel hair pasta and some spaghetti with meat sauce. All right. Now, the only person who had spaghetti with meat sauce in their bowl was Kristen.

Everyone else had angel hair pasta, and I had the linguine. I noticed it, and I thought, I must have not seen something right. He must have got it at the kitchen island, whatever, right? Because the only other explanation would be he was at the dining room table alone and then literally scooped spaghetti with meat sauce out of kristen's bowl and put it in his bowl which is something that just my dad would never do okay so now i'm like, well, shit, maybe my dad, you know, when people get older, they just start doing shit. You know what I mean? Like old dude, old, like when people get really old, that's when they just start farting and you don't even know if like they meant to do it or not,

but you don't even question it. Right. Like, like, like, like a 78 year old man will just be standing in like a TV room and you're watching TV and he'll just be like, and you'll just like, won't even say anything about it. Cause you're like, well, there's 78. Right. But so I'm like, my dad's not there yet. My dad's 73, but maybe he fought. Maybe that was the moment where he was just like, oh, pasta and put it in his shit. And we just got to allow, now we just got to live by a different set of standards for dad,

right? Like, oh, we never know. We never know what the fuck he's going to be thinking or doing, or maybe he's going to be that guy that's just standing in the living room while we're watching the Mets play and he's just going to fart and we're just going to like not even mention it.

So I go to bed, uh, that night. Um, I forget it. And then Kristen says, you know, I think that your dad took some of my spaghetti with meat sauce. But it was so weird because he didn't do it at the kitchen island. The island in the kitchen, he did it already when we had already picked our portions. And I don't know know if and she said the exact same thing i did she was like i don't know if he did it because like it he's just old and he just thought oh whatever or if he or what and i was like it's so unlike him to be rude and just

be like i want that boss like and so i haven't asked him about it, but I'm going to ask him and I'm going to keep you guys updated about this. Cause I want to know if my dad even knows he did it. He's probably not going to remember. And this is all going to be fucked, but I'm going to tell my mom about it. She's going to laugh her fucking ass off. And I asked my brother about it. And I was like, dude, does that have dementia? Like what's going on? And my brother's like, maybe he just wanted it and thought, fuck it. And I was like, man, when you put it that way, it's less rude. And it's just like, I don't know. I just wanted some, but it was just so fucking weird. It was weird though, to have that moment of shit, dude, is my dad now just old as shit?

He's 73 and he looks, you know, 67, 65. He looks good. But like, I don't know. I'm going to ask. And then you guys are going to know about it next time. I'm, you know what? I should fucking call him next, next, next episode and ask him what the fuck he was doing with the thing. I should call him now.

Fucking, I'm not going to put him on the spot like that. Actually, you know what? I'm going to fucking call him now. I'm going to call him now i'm gonna call him now i'm gonna text him now and then see if he um will pick up i don't want to uh uh hi dad i'm doing my podcast and have a question, can I call you? We can cut it out if you don't want it on. Okay, waiting. This should be good.

Although he's probably not going to fucking write back quickly. Although it is only fucking 9 p.m. Let's see if he fucking, or just call me, or just call me or just call me me this is good in the meantime i should have done this in the beginning of the episode in the meantime i'm gonna um what should we talk about well he's probably fucking watching combat or something the show in 1952 my dad will watch the fucking he'll be like you got to watch this show combat you gotta do got to, dude, every,

I can't wait, Christmas is coming up. Dude, he's going to fucking want to watch It's a Wonderful Life. And then after the Christmas, oh, there he is. What's up? Hey. Oh, you called me mobile, always mobile and not FaceTime audio, but it's okay. Are you there? You want me to call

you on FaceTime audio? Yeah, I think so. I want me to call you on facetime audio yeah i think so i'm gonna call you on facetime audio okay okay all right fucking never does it dude i say always call me on facetime audio and he never does it i mean never it's so much clearer dude you there what's up way better dude how come you don't ever call me on facetime why don't you call me on facetime audio because i didn't think i had to but you know that you have to when i'm at home i i didn't think i had to in this house in this house what do you mean in this house in your house the house you're in now oh well yeah no oh got it okay in the other house you thought it was another house thing yeah okay listen the other

house so i know i have a question for you yeah for this is you're on my podcast i could cut it out if you don't want to be whatever but it's not it's not anything i don't think you'd care i just wanted to say that but like okay so we ordered the other night we ordered pasta and remember we got it from maria's italian kitchen and we all ate it and shit, right? We were all together. Right. And then I got spaghetti bolognese for Kristen. And then I got myself spaghetti with red sauce.

It was supposed to be pink sauce, but it was red sauce. And then I got a bunch of angel hair pasta, right? Right. And you got angel hair pasta. Okay. Okay. okay so all right just i'm telling you i'm not asking you i'm telling you you got angel hair pasta at the you got the angel hair pasta at the actual um island the kitchen island right and then you brought it over to the dining room table and i was and i was there and i, and I had my spaghetti and a red sauce and Kristen brought her spaghetti with the meat sauce over to her thing.

And then when I looked over you, I like looked away for a second. Maybe I got up to get a drink and then I came back and you had angel hair pasta and spaghetti with meat sauce in your bowl. Right. Okay. What do you, I, I, I, at this moment I was like, I didn't know what you did. I was like, do you, did you, did you just fucking, are you all of it? Was this the moment that you become an old guy and didn't understand that that was not

your pasta or did you just, were you just. I saw the bowl of pasta bolognese on the table and I thought that was for all of us so I took some of it and I understood after the fact that it was Kristen's bowl but I didn't know it at the time alright

that's the best possible answer that's the best possible answer I just took it by mistake because I thought it was for everybody All right, that's the best possible answer. That's the best possible answer. I just took it by mistake. Because I thought it was for everybody. But don't you know that we already had the pasta on the kitchen island for people, and then we brought it to the, why would we bring it to a second location so you could also serve yourself? No, I didn't know that.

I didn't know that until after you told me that. Oh, I told you that? Yeah. Okay. Oh, right now you mean? Right now? Okay, okay. You told me the pasta was on the table, and I didn't know that. Do you understand that when that happened, I thought like, oh, shit, my dad's an old guy.

I thought that this was just the moment we were just going to have to treat you differently and you were just going to be the guy eating everybody's pasta and like farting in the middle of the room. I was like, I was like, oh no. That's funny. Alright, so you still got some years left

with your mental faculty. I guess so. Jesus. I guess so. Jesus. I guess so. All right, that's it. I just made a mistake. No, that's okay. I'd rather you make a mistake than fucking think every pasta is your pasta.

You thought I was just eating from somebody else's plate? I thought maybe, you know when guys, like 85, 90-year-olds,, 90 year olds, you're just like, they do, they just do shit. And you're like, oh, just, they're going to like, they're just who they are. They're old. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Oh man. That's good.

That, that, that, that honestly, I can breathe easier now. I can't believe you called me for that. Well, cause I was telling the story on my podcast and I was like, I'll find out and get back. I was like, no, you know what? I'm just going to call. Okay. All right. I'll talk to you later.

All right. See ya. Bye. All right. There you have it, dude. My dad's got a few more years with his fucking mental capacity. That makes me feel good. All right.

And that's why we call it the Feel Good Podcast. Congratulations. Do you see? It all comes first, full circle. And that's why we call it the Feel Good Podcast. Congratulations. Do you see? It all comes first full circle. It was the best possible scenario. When you're an addict and you're working the steps, they tell you, hey, don't suppose shit that you don't know about. I was supposing that all of a sudden my dad was going to have dementia farting in the living room while we were trying to watch baseball when in actuality he just made a fucking absolutely moronic mistake thinking that you would bring the fucking pasta to a second location like it's a kidnap victim

and and like have your way with it you know unbelievable well you guys um like what else would you have a fucking kitchen island for if not to like serve? And we bring it back to the fucking dining room and he's serving himself there too. She also took it out of the container already. It was in a bowl. Dude, I got to call him back after this. All right. You guys are great. Thank you very much.

Go to crystalia.com and get that merch. Support the show. We love it. Hey guys. Well, that was the episode. To catch the rest of the episode and much and many, many more episodes. Head on over to our Patreon dot com slash Chris D'Elia. You get ad free, no commercials on our podcast and one extra episode a month.

There's like nine there now backlog. So if you sign up now for only six dollars, you can check the last catalog, the back catalog. That's patron only for the for the congratulations. And yeah, it's all sorts of extra shit there. So go check patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Thanks and bye. Is that good? Congratulations. Congratulations motherfucking Bob, you scared the fuck out of me. I'm gonna smash your motherfucking right in the motherfucking mouth, motherfucker.