Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 227. We're All In The Same Boat

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia It's the holidays! This week Chris shares a treasured Christmas memory, gives his thoughts on the Drake and Kanye concert, and talks about what a great guy Rob Dyrdek is and why you'll never be as good as him. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply hey guys and welcome to another wait a minute, is this the one before Christmas? Is this the Christmas episode? Yeah, dude! Hello! Ho ho ho!

Welcome to a very Christmas episode of Congratulations! Congratulations. All good, dude. It is a Christmas freaking miracle that we are still absolutely foreign in all syllables. But alas, we are. Alas, we are. It is December 22nd and you have three days until Christmas, which means I have four days until I start my Christmas shopping because I do it afterwards. Because when I do it before, it's too hard.

Things get lost in the mail. The malls are too crowded, and everyone's like, hey, Chris, we're going to have a picture. And I got to chill, baby. I got to chill. But yeah, dude, it is almost Christmas. So if you need that last minute gift idea, go to crystalia.com, pick up some merch, and then you can just print out the picture and be like, I got you this. If it doesn't come in time and who knows it might because I use ship station and that shit goes immediately. And then also, uh, you can do even a gift certificate there.

And then also you can hit me up on Cameo because your boy's collecting racks. We love racks here at Congratulations. So ho, ho, ho. Or as my son would say, ho, ho, ho. It's very cute. What is I say? He just started saying Santa. He was saying Sasa.

And now he's saying Santa. And then he said, what does Santa say? And he says, ho, ho, ho. And was saying Sasa. And now he's saying Santa. And then he said, what does Santa say? And he says, ho, ho, ho. And it's very cute. And that's it. But yeah, love makes the world go round. And I love him. And, you know, it's been a pretty cool week at the D'Elia household.

Self-centered, calling it the Chris D'Elia household. But it's great. My, my, uh, my jaw hurts, got it, feel it all up in my fucking ear. So that's great, dude. That is so fucking great. I feel my jaw in my ear and it hurts my ear and me having TMJ disorder hurts my ear. That's so fucking great, dude. People say shit to me and I don't hear them, not even because I can't hear them, but because of the pain. Yes, dude. Love having pain on one side and then it ekes out over on the other side because it's sympathetic. Hey, yes, man.

I love that shit, dude. I fricking love it, man. So that's cool, man. Pain all good. Right. Um, and then Kristen went to go get her ear wax removed and, um, and that's cool. Then we started talking about it and, then uh one fire is like i want to get my ear ears cleaned and then uh he was like i think i want to go to the ear doctor and get my

ears cleaned and then i just said dearly beloved like it was six months from now and he died and we all laughed we had a good time but that's the kind of fucking humor we do here at congratulations studios and uh and it was great dude and you guys weren't here and i retold it and this is one of these stories where you're like guess you had to be there and it's true and that's why i'm telling stories where you're like, guess you had to be there. And it's true. And that's why I'm telling it. I don't like to guess you had to be there thing. You understand? Because of course you had to be there. That's why I'm telling you the goddamn story. Why would you, why would I tell you a story about something that happened that I don't think you should be there? That's a bad story. So saying, I guess he had to be there. It's moo. Oh, oh, you're a, you know what you are? You're a slow breeze. You don't matter. You don't push shit around. You're a slow breeze.

And it's already 72 degrees. Be more memorable, baby. Right? That's why I say this shit. Don't be some guy that just comes out and says these terms that are around make up your own shit like YOLO right I don't you know YOLO is old but and you know if you say YOLO now honestly it's probably cool you're probably fucking cool if you say YOLO now because that was what 2014 I don't know what it was but YOLO dude I say YOLO now and that's fucking awesome awesome. I gotta wear sunglasses more, man. It's just fucking, my shit is so bright. But yeah, YOLO, dude. And who knows even if YOLO.

You might live more than once. You only live once, you know? Maybe you live M-Y-L-M-T-O. L-I-M. I can't-O. L-I-M. I can't do it. I got to fucking type it out. God damn it.

Maybe you live more than. Maybe you live. Maybe. Maybe you live more than once. Mile them toe, dude. That's my new shit, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Mile them toe. Twice because maybe you live more than once dude mile them toe anyway um that's not

funny at all but i did it and uh so yeah dude yeah dogs are barking dude there's too many dogs in my house man not only do i have my dogs but i got fucking friends over and they got their dogs and shit and uh anyway dude uh what was i saying we got their ears and shit. And anyway, dude, what was I saying? We got their ears done. Dude, have you ever gotten your ears unclogged? You go to the doctor and they just put saline in your ears and you keep your ear to the side for a little bit and then you just dump it out. It seems pretty archaic, but when you dump it out, dude, it's like you blew your nose. It's gross and it's terrible, but it feels so good. And I don't know if it actually feels good or if one of those things that feels good,

or if it's one of those things that you think feels good because you could just hear better. I don't know if it actually is a feeling. I suppose if you have a lot of real, real hardcore pressure on your ear, maybe it does make it feel good. But when you get it out, but I don't know. I don't know.

And it doesn't matter either way, but you should get your, but I did that and I could hear way better once. And so I got to do it again. And I think't matter either way, but you should get your, but I did that and I could hear way better once. And, uh, and so I got to do it again. And I think that, uh,

and, and Kristen just did it. And then also one fire is going to do it. So if you can't hear, go get your fucking ears on clock. But, uh, who cares anyway,

I'm going to be at the fucking Oxnard, Oxnard improv, January 14th to 16th. I'm going to do Chris D'Elia and friends. That's what I'm going to do. You know, your boy's building his material, you know,

your boy's building his material and he doesn't have an hour yet. So it's going to be Crystalia and friends. So come on down to Oxnard, uh, and, uh, California and come check your boy out, uh, January 14th to 16th. And, uh, that's it. I did fight companion the other day and we watched Poirier, uh, uh, Dustin Poirier lose. I love that guy. That guy is a class act. That guy

fucking wins and he's nice unless you talk shit and he loses and he's nice, dude. If you talk shit, he's basically not nice. Don't talk too much shit. Don't cross the line, but also such a class act, dude, the guy lost and then fucking hugged the dude and told the dude that he's going to fucking donate to the dude's charity. A class fucking act, dude. I like that kind of guy. How crazy is it, dude? You see these fighters come and go. You see these flashes in the pan, and then you see the dudes that are just the Jeff Bridges

of the UFC. You know what I mean? They start okay. Okay, good. Yeah, we respect them. Great. Cool, cool. And then all of a sudden, he's doing that fucking movie where you're like, whoa, okay.

And he's fucking at the end of his career. Now, I'm not saying Justin Poirier is at the end of his career. He's a young dude, but you know, the end of a UFC fighter's career is like 32 years old. And I think he's 32 years old, but the guy just stepped up into the hot sauce game, dude. And that is where, see, that's the thing, dude. You got to get that extra thing to make you outlive a young man's game and dustin poirier took fucking hot sauce and elevated the shit and he sent me some and it's good as shit dude he sent me the hot hot shit which i use it's very hot and also the nice mild shit and he used nice mild shit when i kind of want to take it my when all my taste buds they kind of take it they

are because you know you know you know your boy goes nuts with the hot sauce. I do. I just fucking throw Tabasco on it. People are like Cholula. And I'm like, no, I keep it old school with the Tabasco and I'll sprinkle it on. Right. But I'll sprinkle it, but it's not so much of a sprinkle as it's more, it's a bunch of sprinkles.

Right. Cause I like when Tabasco come out, it looks like a penis jizzing. It does. Now I didn't, I didn't make that happen. I, you know what I mean? Like I'm not Jesus Christ. So don't be all like, ew, you, you know what I mean? When I say when Tabasco comes out, it looks like a penis jizzing.

You know what I mean? Right. Cause it does. Okay. Cause it likes kind of squirts out a little bit and then fast and then a little, a little less and then fast and then fast. And you're like, whoa, is this, you know what I mean? Come on. You had never went there. less and then fast and then fast and you're like whoa is this you know what i mean come on you had

never went there well mine did and now yours has to every single time you use goddamn tabasco sauce um so yeah but justin poirier has got he's got that fucking has got real good hot sauce he really does and um and i'm upset that he lost honestly i'm a big fan of his and uh but but it's okay dude you just keep moving man right. Right. Losing is only as bad as you, as it is in your head. I get those competitive motherfuckers out there. Like some comics are competitive. They're like, I gotta be the best guy on the show. If you just drop that, if you drop that competitive nature, like, dude, people act like they're fucking six. Oh, I got to win. What do you have to win? What for what? For your ego? What are you fucking six?

Dude, I'm 41 if i'm not a better comedian than another person i'm on the show with and the crowd is more vibing with that dude all good man all good some people need to put the fucking furniture together and that can be me maybe that's my hot sauce maybe that's my next career right right? Maybe I go out on the road. Now I start doing dates and you know, I'm not feeling it. Maybe I become a carpenter. Maybe the crowd's not feeling it. Maybe I become a fucking, maybe I'm the best valet around and that's okay, dude. Um, but Conor McGregor is fucking, Hey dude, this is the thing I love, man. This is the thing is fucking hey dude this is the thing i love man this is the thing i love about this is the thing i love about what how do i even say this uh getting yoked okay

hey and i've said this before on this podcast but hey it's if you think a guy's on steroids, he's on steroids. Okay. It's like when you think someone's gay and then you realize it and you're like, oh yeah. Just come on over to the side. Come on over to the side of belief. You look at Hugh Jackman and one of the fucking Wolverine movies, especially like the fourth one, the bad one, whatever the bad one was. Dude, you're like, oh, is he on roids? No, you're like, oh, I love how they, they ask him,

hey, what was your favorite fucking, what was, what was your workout? How did you do it? How did you, what did you eat? Oh, what did I eat? I ate chicken. But the main thing was I injected steroids in my ass. You don't get that fucking popping out unless you do the juice. And Conor McGregor gained 36 pounds in six months. Partially, yeah, I get it. Okay, his ankle's bad, so he's not able to do cardio. Okay, but it's 36 pounds of a muscle, not fat. The guy looks stacked.

I mean, he looks so fucking, I mean, this dude looks so beefed up. He went from Irish to Russian. Look at his face. He just, you know who he looks like? The fucking, you know who he looks like? The fucking guy that would be like, hey, go fuck yourself, boy. He looks like a straight up yoked Southern American. Hey, boy,

you know where the fucking, hey, does that, he looks like he'd pull up on you. Conor McGregor looks right now like he'd pull up on you in a fucking Ford truck, an old Ford truck and be like,

hey, do you know if that gas station is letting you fucking shit in it if you don't have to buy, if you don't buy something or do I have to fucking buy some shit? That's what Conor McGregor looks like, that guy now. With a beard that's just fucking, it's like a cartoon beard. The dude uses, hey, guys, guys who aren't sure, let me clear this up, dude. He's juicing. He's juicing.

The guy's back looks like a goddamn pterodactyl. He's juicing. He's got one of those fucking, his lats look like one of those fucking Red Bull outfits that guys do when they jump off the mountain and just glide through a fucking, like a hole in the mountain. and just glide through a fucking, like a hole in the mountain. Connor, you're juicing. It's all good, but let's stop with the what's your workout plan. I do a few chin-ups, eat some chicken, and then I shoot up in my fucking ass. I inject drugs in my ass, and that's why I look like fucking, uh, what's that guy's goddamn name?

Goddamn it. Fucking shit, they have a pentance working overtime, dude. I took one last night. Goddamn it. Sucks, dude. No, not the rock one, fire. Missed it, dude. NOT THE ROCK, WANTFIRE! MISSED IT, DUDE! Firing on one syllable, I'm pissed off, dude.

This is unbelievable, dude. I miss one goddamn thing, and then Wantfire's all chiming in with the rock. And I'm not a fucking hack. I was trying to think of the guy- ROCKSTEADY AND BEEBOP FROM TEENAGE MUTANT TURTLES! ROCKSTEADY! BEEBOP! Rocksteady and Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Rocksteady. Bebop.

Fuck yeah, dude. Finally. God, dude. The Gabapentans. Anyway. You didn't help. You helped with the whole fucking disaster and then your boy cleaned it up. It's all good.

But fucking. Milemito. Maybe fucking mile in the toe. Maybe you live more than once. Wow. So petered out when I said maybe you live only more than once. Maybe live more than once. I don't know, dude, whatever. Anyway, Conor McGregor is now a Southern American guy

that asks you if you can fucking, if you can use the shitter in the gas station without buying something so that's who conor mcgregor is and it's all good and you can't fucking la da da da can't tell me what's that fucking you can't tell me nothing la wait till i get my am i mixing up two songs who knows gabba penton i have received the trouble. Thank you. It's all good. Hey, Gabapentin, thank you for delivering the trouble in my life. All good.

I'm less good of a podcaster because of the Gabapentin that subsides my anxiety. Gabapentin, I hear you loud and clear. Thank you for the trouble delivery. I've received it. I don't want it, but I'm using it. So, yeah, man, that's what's up. Oh, also there's new go medium. And speaking of fucking using the juice, dude, relax on the juice, man.

It's not a good idea to use the juice, especially if you're not. Some guys use steroids just to use steroids. Like you're just guy hanging out. You're just some dude that sometimes goes to the park with your family and has like a steak night with fellas? And you're just doing juice, dude? You're cycling? You're in the cycle? Guy who went to a fucking PTA meeting once because his wife couldn't make it and you went instead?

Oh, you're cycling? You're doing a cycle? Fuck that, man. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do TRT and I'm going to be so bulked up, I swear to God. And I'm not even lying. And I'm telling you that right now that I've not ever done steroids. You know me.

I don't do any drugs. I'm telling you that right now that I've not ever done steroids. You know me. I don't do any drugs. I take a small dose of Xanax sometimes when I want to go to Zanny Island because your anxiety is knocking on my chest. Right? And the doctor prescribed it. But I've done none of that steroids, TRT shit.

One day I'm going to do that shit and you're going to see your boy so bulked up in six months that I'm going to tell you this because my muscles are in the way of my neck. People are going to be like, why does D'Elia keep passing out? Oh, dude, I honestly, he did so much TRT that his fucking throat muscles are closing up. Does he work out his throat? No, he just eats a lot of chicken and he works out, does a lot of chin-ups and push-ups. But dude, the boy does so much TRT that his throat closed up because of the muscles in his neck. Jesus Christ. That's how the conversation is going to go. Anyway, dude, Conor McGregor is on the juice. And I don't like the juice, but I fucked up and I said it. He's on juice.

So, yeah, we got to go new, go medium and sometimes stay out colorways. And they're so fucking sick with it, dude. I'm sorry, man. It's like, what am I doing? They're so sick. I'm so done. They so fucking sick with it, dude. I'm sorry, man. It's like, what am I doing? They're so sick. I'm so done. They're so sick with it. They are so fucking sick with it.

You might as well rub fucking Robitussin on them. For real. I hope they get better. I hope these fucking designs get better. And I don't mean that they're not visually and aesthetically pleasing. I mean, they're so sick with it. Oh, fuck, dude.

I got to take my hoodies to the doctor Oh shit This sucks I hope I don't catch it So go to crystalia.com and go meet him And sometimes stay out Do I even have to say the colors You trust me

I saw the Drake and Kanye concert and it was just like, okay, okay. And we're done. I'm done with concerts for real. And I've been done with concerts. I've been done with concerts. I've friends with musicians. I'm friends with people who do concerts. I'm done.

I just give me your CD. I'm good. And I don't even like, give me the iTunes link or whatever the fuck. Apple music, whatever it is. Spotify. If you're a highfalutin, I fuck with Apple music, you know? But yeah, dude, I mean like the, the concerts just, these concerts, these, these musicians or whatever you want to call them, rappers or musicians or guitarists, or even if you're a guy with like a fucking, who is that Jack Johnson with his bare feet that fucking the guy cuck singing with no shoes on like dude wear wear all the clothes bro when you got a guitar so um anyway guy's probably worth like 50 million dollars but um kanye and um

But Kanye and Drake had the concert, the free Larry Hoover concert right now. One thing about me is I don't know who and will never know who Larry Hoover is. Okay? I just can't be bothered to Google. Call me ignorant. Don't care. Do you know what I don't like, though? Causes.

All good. Now I'm growing and I'm fucking trying to be not so narrow minded. I'm trying to open up my doors. But one thing at a time, dude, I started doing therapy about a year and a half ago and I've been doing so much therapy to choke a horse. Just let me have my shit. Fuck causes. Just let me fucking take slow steps right you got to walk before you can run and i'm telling you right now me getting behind the cause it's running

there's too many causes out there and i don't trust fucking nobody free hilarion who is he some fucking crime guy that ran drugs or some shit i I think, probably. I think that's who he is. And he fucking orchestrated some killings. Okay. Oh, why? He's in jail unjustly, is he? I don't know. I'll let everybody else figure out.

Dude, the second somebody is fighting so hard on a cause, especially if they're famous, you got to watch out for that fucking person because you can't trust them. Because you don't know. Why are they so hard on the cause? They don't know much. They don't know the actual shit and i get it do your own research you think kanye west and drake are doing their own research those are for motherfuckers who have no lives doing your own research isn't for a guy on a jet that he owns you think they're on the planes on fucking Reddit?

Well, hold on. Let me check this subreddit. Dude, he's in his billion dollar yacht getting sucked off. You think a guy who wears only Versace and fucking, what do you call those goddamn slippers, the house slippers, that he makes and sells, worth a company worth $6 billion. You think a guy like that is on his yacht fucking around with subreddits? Dude, these causes that these people get behind, because of a sudden they're the base player of you two.

These causes that people get behind because all of a sudden, dude, you're somebody in the limelight. You got to be wary of these motherfuckers. You got to be wary. Why? Because why? Yeah, you could be doing it for the fucking real reason. Look, I really want to be an outspoken person. But I'm going to trust a fucking mentally unwell dude that sings scoop-ditty-whoop-doop-doop

because he wants to let somebody out of prison. I'm going to trust a guy. I'm gonna trust a guy I'm gonna trust a guy who sells fucking slot bright orange slides and crocs that are bright red with holes in them that make six billion dollar years off of the brand that sings I'm such a fucking hoe I love it. Side runner. Just because he says free a guy out of prison, I don't know. So you know what? I stay out of it. Because I can't. I can't act like these guys are doing

their own research and actually figuring it out when there are actually people who are doing their own research and actually figuring it out that are not on billion dollar yachts getting sucked off. Eating those orange eggs that fucking every sushi place has while they're getting sucked off, eating those fucking orange eggs at the sushi place. Saying fucking scoop that he whooped, oop, doop, getting sucked off, busting in a mouth while eating all those fucking hundreds of orange eggs that the sushi place gives you for some reason that I've never eaten. Who orders that shit?

The fucking guy getting sucked off in the billion dollar yacht. Dude, if you had a fucking reality show on goddamn, what's it? What's the fucking home garden network or what the hell, the Learning Channel, and it was just called Billion Dollar Yachts and the guys who get sucked off on them. The bill for that fucking, for those orange eggs at the sushi places would have, would be so astronomical, dude. I swear to God. I mean, you know, yeah, I get it. I get why people don't listen to this podcast. But for those of you that do, oh, fuck, I can't wait to get that goddamn log cabin and sit in the tall grass and share ideas.

Oh, man. Because your boy makes so much fucking sense. It's unbelievable. Yeah, sometimes Kristen doesn't think so. And yeah, sometimes she thinks I'm wrong when I say things, but come on, dude. It's like, I want to be like, you're not listening though. Can't believe it's almost Christmas. Um, I don't know.

No, you know what? I can. It always happens at the same amount of time. I don't want to be one of those guys. That's like, I can't believe that this is happening already, even though it happens 365, 365 days um but yeah are you ready i'm never ready i'm never ready for christmas man i'm never ready with the gifts i always have to fucking print one thing out on on the printer and be like this is what you're getting in fucking on the 28th

you know what I'm saying this is what you're getting you know you're that asshole you're listening right now you know you're that asshole to somebody right this year how much are you and you're fucking smiling right now right because I got your number you're just oh fuck I the toaster didn't come in time I got a fucking

goddamn I got to find a good picture of it on the internet and just print it out and give it to him in an envelope it'll be nice I'll put a bow on it. Like you're not an asshole because you put a bow on it. Or are you know what? Are you that asshole gift giver that does the fucking non-wrapping thing where you just put it in a bag and some cellophane over it like a piece of shit? Dude, just hand it to me. As a matter of fact, throw it at me.

Don't give me a bag with some fucking with with some tissue paper just popping out of it. Like you did something. These motherfuckers. Here you go. And then you got some beats by Dre in a fucking bag and some glossy bag with Santa on a sleigh. And like some fucking green tissue paper coming out of it. Like you're not a piece of shit. Like you saved some day.

Go fuck yourself, dude. Don't ever fucking hand me a present like this. You hand me a piece of shit like you saved someday. Go fuck yourself, dude. Don't ever fucking hand me a present like this. You hand me a present like this. I don't receive it, dude. With your fucking pinching ass shit. I don't receive it, dude. Hand it to me like this. Like it's a goddamn cake.

You wrapped. Or I'm not involved, dude. I don't receive it. Or I'm telling you, don't even wrap it. Just give it to me. I'm 41. I don't want it. Or I'm telling you, don't even wrap it. Just give it to me. I'm 41. I don't want to unwrap shit. I get my knees all close together so it doesn't fall off, fall to my legs.

I don't want to do that shit. I ain't no bitch. Hand me the gift. What'd you get me? An iron? Hand it to me. As a matter of fact, take it out of the box. Just maybe I want to think you maybe got it on Craigslist.

The less shit I got to do, the better. Take the earphones out. I want to think you maybe got it on Craigslist. The less shit I got to do, the better. Take the earphones out. I want to wake up. If you got me some Beats by Dre, I want to wake up with them on my head and have you looming over me and being like, Merry Christmas. The less I got to do, the better, my baby. God, the less I, right? It's like these people like Kevin Hart and hart and the rock and dude i met rob

dierdrich the other day i did him i did the dude this motherfucker i love this dude this guy is you know what he is he's a motherfucking mint he is golden dude rob dierdrich is the shit the guy's so nice so good and you know what this guy has that a lot of people don't have something about him. You can't put your finger on. He's like this mysterious kind of guy that looks like he chills on the beach a lot. Skin is nice. Laughs makes you feel like you're the only guy in the room. When he talks to you, he's engaged, right? The guy's super nice. Makes a boatload of money. I don't know what from, you know, I know ridiculousness he does.

It's like on season fucking 500, but he, he creates five, four or five companies a year and sells them. That's what he, that's what he told to me. Now, a guy like me doesn't know what that means. What do you mean? Is there a product involved or do you just, what's going on? Is this a crypto thing? Hi, dude.

Is this NFT based? What do you mean you start a company five times a year and then sell it? I don't know what that means. I will never know what that means, but that's what he said to me. And he looked like a million dollars when he said it. All right. So guys like that. I mean,

after the fucking fighter podcast, fighter in the companion podcast, dude, we did that shit after we watched fucking two guys Duke get out for way too long. Right. And we talked about everything but fighting because i was on and i commandeer because your boy provides a bomb right i had to commandeer the conversation

and it's okay when i do that because we were talking about it and I was like, God, you do so much shit. And he's like, I don't really eat pizza that much. I got what I eat. I start every day. I write something lovely to my wife and I'm just like, whoa, this guy's got it all figured out. He really does. Rob Dyrdek has it all figured out in the best possible way. And when I meet a guy that's got it all figured out, like him, Kevin Hart, The Rock, I go like this.

Oh, wow. I give up. I didn't realize. No, I don't give up. I'm realizing I gave up. Because the second, you know, whenever you meet a guy like that, that's so good at talking and being engaging and fucking has hundreds of million dollars or whatever the fuck it is. And they're always working. What do you think?

You always think immediately the first is like, huh? Wonder what my version of that is. I bet I could do that somehow. And then if this is the thing, the amount of time that you sit with that feeling is how big of a fucking bullshitter you are. You know what I'm talking about? Like I meet Rob Dyrdek and that guy has it all figured out. And I sit there and I'm like, wow, that's amazing.

And I, I actually think, huh, I, you know, I pride myself on not being a big bullshitter. I like to shoot you straight. Right. I like to shoot people straight. So sue me. I like to shoot people straight. That's what I, that's what like my, my, one of my things is right.

If somebody says, look at these shoes and I don't like them, I'm going to say they're all right. Unless I, you know, even if I don't, you know, I tried to cultivate this whole personality where it's like, I'm this no bullshitter guy. So if you meet me on the street and the guy, and you're a fan of mine and you're like, Hey dude, what's up? I'm going to be like, yo bro, you're making this mad awkward. Let's just chill. And you can just laugh at it. Cause you know, that's what you're going to get, right?

I'm raw. What you see is what you get. So I like to think I'm a straight shooter, but not everybody's a straight shooter. A hundred percent of the time you're bullshitting. If that's what you get. So I like to think I'm a straight shooter, but not everybody is a straight shooter a hundred percent of the time. You're bullshitting if that's what you think. So you try to shoot as straight as you can and you try to shoot as straight. And here's why you can't shoot as straight as you possibly can a hundred percent of the time, because you can't even shoot straight with yourself. It's too hard to shoot straight with yourself because not lying is easy to do on the whole, but you lie to yourself, right? You do. You get, oh, this is not going to be that bad. You know,

right? You know, you're stepping into an awful party and you're just like, oh, this will be all right. I'll meet. You're tricking yourself. Yeah. You know what? Maybe it won't be that. Oh, you know, dude. Right. So when Rob Dyrdek is like, I do this, that,

this, I write it all down and I track my calories and I do this and I got this many hours of sleep last night and I'm going to get this much tonight. For a second, I think, oh, I got to do that kind of shit. And then 25 seconds later i think i'll never do that actually that's the amount of time i'm bullshitting 25 seconds in that kind of a situation but some people sit in that shit oh rod dierdrick said this i gotta go get that app

that he used to track his shit i gotta make sure my sleep is this bro if you meet somebody and they convince you to download an app you're bullshitting use only the apps you need minimize that shit now you're talking to a guy who has 150 pairs of shoes you gotta treat yourself a little bit but don't bullshit man i'm not gonna bullshit and be like oh yeah i wear all these shoes all the time now some of them fucking suck shit you know but don't listen to me dude don't freaking listen to me i say freaking because i'm trying to not say fucking around Calvin. But Rob Dyrdek, man, that guy, he was really an amazing guy to meet.

It's so crazy, man. When I was a kid, I would watch like, I read this book. I'm saying it like this, like people don't know. One time somebody said to me, he was like, I was in this this, like people don't know. One time, one time somebody said to me, I was in this film called child's play. And I was like, man, I know. I'm like, I know about Chucky. You don't have to, what, what do you, what kind of person do you think I am that I don't know what fucking Chucky is. I was in a little film called saving private Ryan. I'm not sure if you've heard it. It was up for some Academy Awards, believe it or not. But, and I'm like, Tom Hanks, I know who you are.

You know? Oh, Mr. Spielberg, thank you for keeping me cool with the culture. But, what was I saying for fuck's sake about the, goddammit, Kevapentin in effect? I was talking about Rob Dyrdek And then I was talking about And he lost it Oh, when I was a kid I read a book

We're back on track Fuck yeah, dude I read Ketra and Rye Obviously it's one of the most famous books of all time I shouldn't have to say I read this book, Ketra and Rye But everybody's on TikTok now not reading So maybe you don't know what Ketra and Rye is anymore But I read Ketra and Rye. It had a profound effect on

my life. I loved it. I adopted my own personality. I tried to figure out who I could be, right? That book was a coming of age. I was like, who am I coming of age? And I adopted this personality of, you know, who I thought was me, but I was probably just 16. And I was like, um, I know I had this mentality, like everybody's the same they're either going to let you down or like fuck with you and this is coming from a guy who like had a great fucking upbringing I don't even know why I adopted this

shit I'm a bit embarrassed by it but my dad told me you know you say people are all the same but you're going to be so shocked when you get older how different people are and I same, but you're going to be so shocked when you get older how different people are. And I thought, yeah, you just don't get it. You just don't get it.

When I was 16, I thought, Dad, you just don't get it. And it's so sad you lost your way. And I am 41 now. And I'm here to tell you I was right. No, I was not right People are different and it's fucking crazy Now they all will do the same shit as people I think what I was trying to say is like

People are the same when they're all together They're pieces of shit but like an individual A person is completely different than another person I'm so different from Rob Dyrdek And frankly he's better. He's better. Oh, dude, one time I was fucking, when I was, I think I was 21,

and I went to a Christmas concert. Hate concerts, but I went to a Christmas concert. You can go to a Christmas concert, and that's okay, you know, because you're doing something different because it's christmas time and i was watching the christmas concert and i was with my girlfriend at the time and dude they were going i will never forget this they were going merry christmas to you all this was the end of the concert and they were going merry christmas to you all merry christmas to you all merry christmas to you all and they were saying that way too fucking much like so much just merry christmas

to you all and this girl with really frizzy hair that was in it. And my eyes were just locked on her for some reason because she had the frizziest hair. Merry Christmas to you all. And they started walking down the sides of the auditorium on the fucking, on the stairs. Merry Christmas to you all. And they were just, and this woman was Merry Christmas to you all. Merry Christmas to you all. Going down the stairs.

Merry Christmas to you all. Everyone's so jolly and not me, dude. I'm like, what the fuck are they doing? Why is this woman's hair so frizzy? Merry Christmas to you all. Merry Christmas to you all. Going down the stairs, Merry Christmas to you all. Everyone's so jolly and not me, dude. I'm like, what the fuck are they doing? Why is this woman's hair so frizzy? Merry Christmas to you all. Down the stairs and she's going down the stairs, Merry Christmas to you all. Dude, she fucking stumbled, dude. She fell so fucking hard in her red sweater. Merry Christmas to you all. And dude, her frizzy hair just went up in a puff and she goes, Merry Christmas to you. And she tried to grab someone else, dude. They went down with her.

And boy, for me, then did it become a Merry fucking Christmas, dude. And that's my motherfucking Christmas story to you. And I tell that to Calvin every Christmas Eve when he goes to bed. And I scream it like I'm screaming now. He didn't really pay attention last year because he was fucking eight months old. But this year, this motherfucker is going to understand me, boy. Merry Christmas to you all. Dude, I'll never forget that, dude. I will never forget that. It was so funny. I wonder who that woman is. She was probably 50 then. Nah, she was probably like late forties. That's the greatest age to fall down the stairs. You know, that's

like the perfect age of falling down the stairs is late forties because anytime before that you're like, ah, they're all right. And anytime after that, like 55, you're like, holy shit, this could be the end of that person. But fuck that sweet spot of late 40s falling down is perfect, dude. You'll watch somebody fall down the stairs all day when they're 48. You'll be laughing the whole, you won't even help them. You're just like, holy shit, there goes Frank. Just stumbling, stumbling, stumbling like a goddamn cartoon. Just stumbling, falling. Oh stumbling like a goddamn cartoon.

Just stumbling, falling. Oh, it's fucking hysterical. But when they're fucking 19 or like 30, you're like, ah, they're going to be okay. It's still funny, but fucking shit, man. 49 is when they do that. Oh, shit. And you're just dying. The right amount of pain for that motherfucker. So when she, christmas to you all

she was at that sweet spot where i just fell the fuck off my chair dude forget it everyone i'm like you don't get it dude she's at that sweet spot falling down the stairs late 40s right like if my dad fell down the stairs right now i'd be like this is the end that's it there you go he's 73 yeah he's agile but dude he's 73 if he bon like, this is the end. That's it. There you go. He's 73. Yeah, he's agile, but dude, he's 73. If he bonks his head in the wrong way, he's gone. Yeah, man. I was sitting on the couch with my dad and Calvin the other day.

They were over for family dinner and I was talking to my dad and my dad was like, had Calvin in his arm. And I was next to Calvin. So it was like the three of us. And my dad was like, hey, Calvin, me and you, he goes like this. Hey, Calvin, me and you were both in the same boat. And, uh, I thought about what that might mean. You know, at first I was like, oh, they're Dalia's. We're all in the same boat.

But then I was like, shit, man, he's 73. And my son is a year and a half. You know, it's that thing. Like my son is becoming this fucking person. Like every day it's a new thing. I think tomorrow he's going to wake up with stubble. Like it's so new. Everything is new and he's learning to do shit. Like I said, the other day he said Sasa and now he says Santa. He's learning shit. He's got a t and not only can he do it he can do it in the middle of a fucking word that's something new he didn't used to do that shit he used to just say mama when mama was downstairs and now he says mama downstairs

one day he's gonna wake up with some goddamn stubble, right? He crawled out of bed the other day. It was hilarious. We have friends staying with us, so we put fucking Calvin in his bed in our room. Bro, it was fucking hilarious. I got to get back to my dad, talk about my dad, story about my dad. But dude, he was in his crib chilling,

and Kristen went in to go to bed, and he woke up because she was tiptoeing in and i was still fucking busy you know keeping it real italian watching gamora till 3 a.m because that's how i fucking do it and i was i was just knee deep in fucking mafia killings and drug drug runnings and uh and then i came in and when i came in he was still awake it was fucking four three o'clock in the morning and he stayed up till till four 30, dude. And I kept trying to bring him back and put him in the crib because now he doesn't have the walls up because he's got the bed. The wall came out, right? We took the wall, the crib wall down. And now I'm like, he can crawl out of the bed. So I'm like,

I'm in my bed in the same room as him. And I'm looking at the fucking nanit trying to fall asleep, but looking at the nanit because the room's so dark and I see him with his fucking you know what I mean like with his fucking night vision eyes just staring sucking his thumb moving his feet around I'm like this motherfucker's not falling asleep

but I'm watching the nanit and um and I fucking and I decide okay you know what i'm putting the nan it away i'm just gonna sleep and so i put the phone down and because that's keeping me up too so i'm going to sleep and i'm like i don't even know if calvin's sleeping or not and he is uh not making a noise because he was going like this for like an hour. Bababoo dabber bar, dar, dar, dar, bar, bar, do. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Like for an hour, just whoa, whoa. And I'm just like, Jesus Christ, this motherfucker better be on a goddamn seesaw when I turn the lights up. And, uh, and I look and, and so I'm like, Oh, he's quiet, but now he's quiet. So it's like a little bit like in the, in the front part of my brain, I'm like, Oh, he fell asleep. But in the back part of my brain, I'm like, but daddy, he could be fucking quietly making an omelet or some shit for all I know. Right.

You got to watch out for these babies. They just fucking, they be doing shit. Right. They could be falling down hitting their head And that's why they're quiet They could be quietly fucking the other day He was eating a candle Just straight up eating a candle like it was a fucking Snickers And I go Kevin what are you doing

And he walks over to me like this He goes And I open your mouth and he opens his mouth And I'm like trying to scrape the fucking wax Off of his tongue and he's like And I'm like trying to scrape the fucking wax off of his tongue. And he's like, eh. And I'm like, well, what the fuck? You did it, bro.

Don't be eating candles. So I left the room, took the candle, came back. Guess what? He's eating another fucking candle. So my point is these babies be doing shit. With or without you. So I'm like, maybe I got to check on him. I should check if he's sleeping or not. And I got the phone down already. I didn't want to wake up. So I'm like, maybe I got to check on him. I should check if he's sleeping or not.

And I got the phone down already. I didn't want to wake up. So I skipped the Nana part and I just sprung up and I couldn't see. It was really dark. And I crawl over to the foot of the bed to try and go look at Calvin in the bed crib. I say bed crib again, because there's not a wall on it. It's just fucking three sides. because there's not a wall on it.

It's just fucking three sides. And he is not only, I'm focusing on where the crib is and then my eyes focus in, I'm like at the foot of the bed, my eyes focus in front of me about eight inches and in focus, my son's face all of a sudden and he quietly says

if you think it didn't scare the shit out of me yeah out of your mind he goes hi don't be so creepy calvin not at fucking 3 a.m when i'm i mean dude it's scared to shit hi dada i'm like oh my i got so scared i didn't you know i mean when you get so there's a levels of scare to scare you like oh that's kind of scary yeah wow and then there's oh shit you're like oh you jumped that's the scariest dude there's a level past that where you don't even move and you just are like, okay, okay, cool. I got to go check if I shit myself. Anyway, babies be doing shit is what I'm saying. So now I got to go back to the story where my dad was, he said, we're in the same boat.

He said, we're in the same boat. And I'm like, I let my mind kind of wander what that means. You know, babies grow up and they become people and moms and dads and grandmas and grandpas, I should say. It's like that Benjamin Button thing, you know? It's like grandmas and grandpas get to that age where they're like fucking, they look like they're a third of the way into the movie. Benjamin buttons into the movie. You know what I mean? It's like a third of the way where you're like the old guy, but you're becoming young and you're like,

oh, it still looks kind of weird because you're short and old and shit. You know, it's like a third of the way into the Benjamin buttons movie. That's what fucking grandmas and grandpas start to look like when they're on their way out. And so I'm like, fuck, dude. That's a boat too.

You know? At some point you just pass each other. The grandmas and the grandsons. The grandpas and the granddaughters. You just pass each other on that way. On the way out and on the way up. And you're just like, we're basically the same at this point. Right.

I mean, I saw when my, when my grandma died, it was like, she didn't know who anybody was. My grandma died and she, uh, was so messed up in the head. She had cancer and she didn't recognize anybody she was in the hospital and uh and she was uh she didn't know who like her grandson was and that was uh that was a tough thing to fucking see but also like That was a tough thing to fucking see, but also like, I mean, my aunt brought a card from Jordan. And Jordan was, how old must have Jordan been when he was, when my grandma died? Must have been the age to where it was hard for him to write his name, he could do it you know he did it with a crayon he wrote a note for her and my aunt his mom put it in an

envelope and uh gave it to her gave it to his mom to give it to grandma because he wasn't going to go to the hospital because also it was very weird like she couldn't really recognize people and she was you know on her way out and um and he uh and it said and he wrote his name on the thing and my uncle his dad gave the um the note to my grandma carmella satalion but that's her name and we called her carmsey satalion and um when she gave it to him, he said, she opened it up and she read it and she said, oh, that's so sweet. She looked at the name and she said, it's from Sherrod? And my uncle Mike said, what? No, it's from your grandson. And she said, Sherrod? that's hysterical

but it's also sad because fucking Sherrod is god damn no one you made it up now we gotta act like Sherrod's a person now we always fucking say in our family who's Sherrod and we have a laugh, man. So, yeah, man. My dad's doing well.

I'm not trying to say he's on his way out. He's not. But, like, it just got me thinking, you know, there is that moment where the fucking grandson and the grandfather have to look at each other. son and the grandfather have to look at each other and they're like there's that there's that moment where you're where they look at each other and you're like oh fuck we're the same at this point but i gotta leave and you gotta fucking become wow that's pretty crazy um i would still honestly trust my dad driving more than Calvin driving though, so we're good. We got some years left. We got

at least a decade left maybe. I just wonder if secretly that was the boat he was talking about. Let's do some misconnections and then let's wrap this up, huh? I should say go to crystalia.com, finish your Christmas shopping, go to a cameo, get your Christmas, uh, fucking things last. You know what I'm trying to say? I don't, didn't do the sentence, right?

But, um, here we go. Let's do some of these here. Uh, you were in your forties. Why is there a dash there? It makes no sense. It says back then you were in, you were in the SFs. Why is there a dash there? It makes no sense. It says, back then you were in the SFV, San Fernando Valley, I assume. You had longish hair and liked that I could relate to much of what you were about and dealing with. Wow. Sad. Here's another one. Looking for my good amigo.

Like how we switched it to Spanish right there. Looking for a good friend to play with. Comm comma comma comma dude it's dot like these guys who like do you not seriously know it's dot dot dot and then married guy here it's a sneaky do not contact him with solicited services unsolicited services or offers here we go guy i used to know that's the gay usher writing this one looking for a guy wasn't wasn't that him used to know guy or no what's who's that somebody that i used to know was that fucking guy go ta change it um go ta change it guy i used to know uh but also usher did have a song like that uh looking for a guy who would like to have his feet worshipped cut to the chase dude what's with the guy he used to know

looking for a guy i hey guy i used to know anyway looking for a guy who would like to have his feet worshipped. Two fucking different things. That would be like if you fucking had a book and it said the client on it and you opened it up and it was Andromeda Strain. Different. Well, those are deep pulls. Oh, here we go. Dude for dude. Oh, the body of this one.

Unreal. Chill sit back in Hollywood now. Hey guy, if you've got enough time to write a post, add more words than that. Chill, chill, sit back in Hollywood now is a sit back gay term. I don't know about. about um here's another one handyman for service granada hills dude some crazy shit goes down into granada hills uh hi there oh this is a haiku practically we just met at home depot you need a handyman service wow so fucking giving them the telling them business right now you oh oh this actuallymind. Hi there. We just met at home Depot. You needed a handyman service, invited me over. I cleaned your pipe and took care of the nuts and bolts you had laying around. Let me know if you need more service. Just say it.

Don't add end bolts. You know, we get it it just say i serviced your cock and nuts i cleaned your pipe and took care of the nuts i like how he adds end bolts in case in case in case the feds is watching here's another one wow the title on this one. What about my umbrella? With a question mark. San Fernando Valley. Did this one start in the middle of a conversation? Here's the body. You have my umbrella from last year and I need it.

I mean, dude, if you needed it that bad a year ago, if you needed it that bad, you should have had it already. You have my umbrella from last year and now i need it i lost your number you send me a picture of it and i'll come over and get it asap means cock i honestly at this one hope it means cock because if he just means umbrella hey guy go out and get a new nine cent umbrella umbrellas you can get an umbrella in one of those fucking things you put a coin in and twist the turnstile thing umbrellas are cheap dude hey guy hold up a magazine above your head hey man really need that umbrella i gave you a year ago not fucking around it is gonna be wet outside here's an issue of Shape Magazine.

Hold it above your head. Here's another one. The older we get, the colder it feels. Ah, fucking Robert Frost here, huh? Robert Frost here. The older we get, the colder it feels. The older we get, the colder it feels by Robert Frost. Here's the body.

How to stay warm. Any thoughts? I'm from 50 light years away. Oh. Oh. Oh, the next word. Stopped too soon. How to stay warm.

Any thoughts? I'm from 50 light years away. Mars. Is Venus close to the same distance? Hey, guy. Go to the doctor. Hey, guy. This guy should write the guy with the umbrella post. Got your umbrella. It's on Mars. Hey, guys, that's the episode for today on YouTube. If you want to catch the extended uncut version,

go on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And you get all of the Patreon only episodes. I think there's about 10 or 11 now backlogged. You get access to those immediately now for six bucks. And there's also different segments that we do like review mode. We've got extra Patreon footage like the stuff that I did with Brian Callen at the gun range just shit like that

so go on over to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and check it out thanks Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. ho ho ho or as my son would say oh oh oh it's very cute