Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 228. Chess Game With Real Pieces

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris meets the Liverking, discusses Jake Paul's most recent fight, and talks about his trip to Disneyland with his family. Plus Missed Connections! 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. So for our 40th anniversary, we're having our biggest celebration yet. And whether you've been an Aeroplan member for one year or 40, we're making you the guest of honor. So join the celebration with special Aeroplaniversary offers and 40 chances to win a million points at aeroplan.com slash 40. Rules and conditions apply. Hey guys, and welcome to another stinking episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, and welcome to another stinking episode of Congratulations. Happy New Year! It's two thousand... wait, no, not yet, right? Not even yet. Yes! Didn't know when it was going to come out. We're starting too early.

But dude, that is kind of true. I am on my fucking 2022 shit. But it's still 2021, which is fine. And people always act like, you know, whoa, we had a rough year. And like, it's going to stop January 1st. And I'll tell you what, I'll tell you right now, it's not. It's not. It's going to be rough. If it was rough December 31st, it's going to be rough January 1st.

But you know what? It doesn't matter because it's all a mentality baby and life rips and that's why we uh we keep it real here we keep it real here congratulations congratulations studios i got to uh go medium and sometimes stay out fucking your boy looks crazy good in fall colors oh i'm sorry but i look crazy good in fall colors i know it's like maroon and also fucking that's got that fucking pumpkin pop oh shit man i'm sorry but yeah dude go meet him sometime stay out crystalia.com go get we got the hoodie we got the fucking t-shirt y'all be hitting me up about

the t-shirt and this shit is fall colors it's blue and red we got the i'm sorry strong guys sorry to break your heart strong guys dude honestly apologizing a lot in 2022 because i'm gonna be breaking lots of hearts dude uh but that's how it goes you know that's how it goes man when you uh when you're firing on all syllables so uh that's it dude it's uh it's the last episode of 2021 and uh you know we're kicking it we're having a good time um i uh i appreciate y'all listening to we got the patreon.com slash chris d'alia if you want to sign up you get extra episodes you get all that stuff uh and all that shit um i did a uh we got the Disney with Chris, you sign up for the second YouTube channel with Chris, uh, more Chris D'Elia. And I put out the last video was with Chris Disneyland with Chris.

And I went to Disneyland and do it. Forget it, man. That's it. I guess it's, it is crazy. And I've said, I think, I don't know if I said this in the video or not, or if I got cut out, but like, it is absolutely crazy how much Disneyland is something I would never want to go to at all. But now that I have a son and a family, I want to go. I want to go. I flipped it on its ass, dude. I said, hey life, you think you know me? And I flipped it on its ass and I went and I had a great time because I looked at it through Calvin's eyes. I looked at it through my one and almost

two years old son. And it was awesome. And dude, that guy mean mugs, man. He was mean mugging goofy. He was mean mugging Pluto. He was mean mugging mini Mickey. He saw Mickey at his own house and he was mean mugging him. Calvin was just staring, standing there, staring at Mickey, just mean mugging Mickey the whole time, dude. And he would just look back at me like, you brought me here for this shit. You brought me here for big mice. And I was like, bro, you're speaking my language. I'm 41. This is how I do. This is how I come to places. The boy's obviously my son. And yeah, dude, we put a video, uh, the withris video and it's got me at disneyland go check it out if you want but it's a lot of fun but man i'll tell you man we got there we stayed there for

three days and it was fucking awesome dude guess what brought calvin out to disneyland the night we got there it was late we brought him out onto the fucking street into the main drag of disneyland and as soon as we got there there was fake fake snow coming down. They put fake snow. Dude, they do the whole, they do the whole fucking thing there. They got the fake snow, the singing, the fucking speakers are blaring

and they got like Christmas trees and lights broke, brought Calvin out. Guess what? Guess what, dude? And I'm not going to lie. I cried immediately. Dude, I cried lie I cried immediately Dude I cried I cried immediately

I was fucking Dude your boy sniffles You know what I fucking legitimately My lips were fucking puffing in and out That's how hard I couldn't take it dude Too much emotion for your boy

Your boy's been in a lot of therapy So his walls are down It's super hard to live as a father And love his son so much with his walls up So that's what's up man It is absolutely beautiful when you're holding your child And he's looking up at the fake snow I mean the dude's never even seen real snow

But it didn't matter Disney fucking did it right. And it was beautiful, man. And people were probably like, why is Crystalia crying? Because I had my son, man. And my walls are down, baby. Just like when I told my therapist, I was like, you know what? I don't like to actually feel things.

I don't like to have actual real connections with people because that's too real. And I feel too hard and then the therapist said well you're fucked now that you have a son because it's gonna fucking absolutely your love's going to bloom and it did and now because my walls are down i'm experiencing experiencing emotions for the first time and i cry like i fucking am a baby but it's all good and i just want to be real with you guys dude i would never keep it fake i keep it real i'm italian dude i mean what the fuck man you're acting like i don't eat fucking spaghetti all the time with my parents but i do dude people say real italians are from fucking italy dude

they're from fucking Italy, dude. They're from fucking New Jersey, man. How Italian is it to be from New Jersey or Florida? But yeah, dude, so it's all good, man. And we went to Disneyland. What else did we do? Let's see. What are the things we did? We took him to Toontown.

That shit was crazy. He jumped in a fucking fake car and we pretended to drive and he took it and he fucking, he was going with the wheel and then then he was touching the honking the horn, but it didn't do anything. And he was going, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb. So he knows what fucking cars do, dude. My son didn't fall down once. I saw so many kids falling down. My son didn't fall down once, dude. My son didn't fall down once. He fell down twice today, but not at Disneyland. He's got his wits about him. When people are around people trying to stop me, take a, Hey, can I take a picture? I'm holding my son. What do I say? What do I say? No, I'm with my family. No, I say, Hey, Kristen here, take Calvin for a second take a pic can i take a picture i'm holding my son what do i say what do i say no i'm with my family no i say hey kristin here take calvin for a second i stop i take a picture because i'm practically a politician right but disneyland was great man

i don't know how you i don't know how like i'm just straight up full-blown cuda when i get there like i'm like i'm like excited to get there when i get there i'm with calvin and i'm just like this is fucking amazing i don't know how you can visit disneyland and not be a fucking multi-aire. Hell yes. I don't know how you can do it. I don't know how you can go to Disneyland and just be some family. Everything is a gajillion dollars. Everything. Oh, you want fries?

Cool. $42. Oh, you want a bubble maker? Cool. $42. Dude. Oh, you want a bubble maker? Cool. $42. Dude, you want a hat with Mickey ears? That's cool, but it's $42. Nothing is under $42.

I found one thing that's 35 bucks, and it was like a key chain. Dude, I swear to God, I can't. The way they fucking soak the money from these families, it is criminal, dude. But Mickey's there, and he's just like, oh, so you're like, all right. Dude, it's practically fucking, it's not even, it's barely Disneyland. It's like fucking John Gotti's running the goddamn thing. Hey, you know, it's hard to keep the park going. You know, it's hard to keep the park functioning. You know, we got to also pay for security here. You know, we want nothing to go wrong while you're inside the park going you know it's hard to keep the park functioning you know we got to also pay for

security here you know we want nothing to go wrong while you're inside the park right that's basically what fucking mickey's saying ah you know you wouldn't want to slip and fall something happened to your head your fucking dad fucking fall down a flight of stairs and tune down right you wouldn't want your mom fucking falling off the side of space mountain right i mean i'm not you know this way you pitch in a little bit for security we make sure your mother doesn't fall off of the fucking matterhorn right that's basically mickey dude it's unbelievable achuro is fucking you know yeah i get it no dents but dude if you gotta go if you're going to if you're going to uh uh disneyland you gotta go with the no-dense attitude, dude.

You got to go. You got to save the fuck up, dude. It's unbelievable, man. It's unbelievable. Got Calvin a balloon. It's $12. He let it go. All good.

You just got to charge that shit to the Disney game right there. You got to charge it to the game. That shit is game tax right there. got to charge it to the game that shit is game tax right there when you buy a 12 dollar balloon at disneyland for your son that shit is game tax when it goes away because he'll let it go right it's game tax um but yeah we went to toontown let's see what else we did we did the fuck we didn't go to the dude when i was there um because i went there with my mom and dad too and um they were like telling me when i was a kid when i was there because we visited when i was like however old i was and um they took me on space mountain i had fucking never wanted to do roller coasters at all dude you know me i like to

move around on my own but like uh they were like do you want to go my mom and my brother were back in the hotel and my dad was like you want to go my mom and my brother were back in the hotel and my dad was like you want to do space mountain like the big boys and i was like well is it scary he's like no it shouldn't be scary i'm plus you're with me and i'm like okay but i don't know he's like don't worry about it you're with me we did space mountain dude i am on the fucking tralala teacup shit i'm on the fucking hunky dory you know like rides and my dad's like let's do space mountain i don't know shit it's the dark. We're waiting in line for nine and a half hours. We get on Space Mountain. I'm like,

you sure it's okay? Yeah, it's okay. We wreck it, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get all the way to the top. Wreck it, get, get, get, get, get, get. You sure it's okay? Yeah. Wreck it, get, get, get, get, get, get all the way to the top. Gets to the top. What happens at the top? You fucking, I mean, dude, it's like you're in an immediate fighter jet going to the speed of sound.

And you're just going so fast and it's dark, which you would think would be less scary because you can't see, but turns out it's more fucking scary to a nine-year-old. I couldn't see. And I was moving so fast. I'm scared. Fucking bars and shit are going to hit my head and I'm going to get impaled. Right. I don't know what's going to happen here.

And I'm crying so fucking hard the whole time. I remember it. I remember this and I don't know what's going to happen here. And I'm crying so fucking hard the whole time. I remember it. I remember this and I don't remember shit, dude. If I close my eyes, I barely remember what I'm wearing. And I'm in this fucking, uh, what is it called? Space mountain. And I stopped space mountain. It stops and I'm screaming.

And my dad is like oh my god it's okay are you okay and I said through the tears you lied to me and that's my origin story and that's how I became a super villain right and then a year later my dad told me afterwards he was

like he was like one time mom wasn't home and you were getting ready for school. And you asked me, does this match with this? I was on the top of the stairs and he's, and I said, dad, he said, yep. And I said, does this match with this? And I held on shirt and pants and he said, yeah. And I said, are you sure? And he said, yeah. When would I, he said, have I ever lied to you? And I said, well, there was that one time at Space Mountain. Dude, your boy remembers it when it fucking matters.

Two, because I brought it back. There was that one time at Space Mountain. Dude, kids never forget. I know, you know, that's a funny joke now, but I never want to fucking be that way to Calvin. Not that my dad fucked up. He didn't fucked up. He's a good, he's a good, you know, he's a good guy.

Sometimes I wish he would confront more fucking, more, more. Dude, he used to confront so many people when we were, bro, when we were, we would like go on vacation. I would just, and now I'm this guy. I used to be like,

dad, don't be mean to the guys. And he wasn't being mean. Now I know as a 41 year old and an adult in my profession that does well in my profession, when somebody doesn't do their job, I get a little bit, and I got to work on it too. Cause I know not everybody's doing a job that they want to do.

I know that. But when somebody like fucks up their job royally, I'm just like, well, I work, I do, you know, I always try so hard. But if they fuck up the rooms at the hotels, dude, my dad would just be like Cool, I'm gonna go talk to the guy And my mom, oh Bill, Bill

And then I would be like, dad, dad, dad And I'd be like fucking 15, dad, dad, dad Can you be nice to the guy, he probably got a family You know what I mean, what if he's poor I would just say that, like as a fucking 11 year old And he's like, yeah, but you know, you pay a lot of money For these fucking rooms And you put me next to the fucking air conditioning and his fucking two, one

on the second floor. I asked for the ninth floor or whatever the fuck. And he's like, dad, don't do that shit. But now I get it, dude. And now I get it. And now my dad doesn't do it. And I do it. And I do do it.

And Calvin, if he does the same thing to me, dude, if I grow up, if Calvin grows up and he does the same thing to me, boy, that is going to be a fucking crazy inception moment. That's for sure. So what else did we do at Disneyland? My son loved turning the lights on and off in the hotel room. That's kind of one of his things. Didn't even shit in the park at all. Like the guy's just gangster.

He's just like, I'll shit later. I shit at the hotel room when it's convenient for everyone. I don't want to walk around shitting butt. Just killing it. Would come home to the the hotel room look at me and just go and i'm like jesus you really got good with that timing he's like just waiting for you dad don't want to shit near donald um so yeah dude there's a lady online from the fucking what's the the, where is she from? The one that's selling her bottled farts from the 90 Day Fiance? Yeah, dude, there's a lady from 90 Day Fiance.

This is the most, let me just wrap 2021 up with this. There's a lady from 90 Day Fiance that's selling her own bottled farts. I mean, just like that whole sentence, dude. She sells her bottled farts, dude. And it's such a crock of shit, no pun intended. But like, dude, you can bottled farts dude and it's such a crock of shit no pun intended but like dude you can't say farts i got the fucking biggest argument about this they were like can you can you the people i was with were like can you bottle farts and will they smell in the fucking butt and everyone was like yeah it'll stay smelling if you just leave it tight sealed. And it's like, dude, no, it won't.

No, it won't. When you fart in a bottle and then you cap it, whenever you open it up, it's not going to be smelly. Period. If you're paying for this fucking chick from 90 Day Fiance's farts, you're getting nothing. You're getting an empty bottle. And everyone is so fucking, they think that they're so, like, everyone's such a cuda. This is pinnacle barracuda shit, dude, where you just, you want to be a part of the funk, man.

You see that shit and you're like, oh yeah. And then you literally believe that you're smelling it. I do not believe a scientist can tell me this shit could be possible. I do not believe you can actually smell farts from a bottle if it's been carried across state there's just no fucking way and kristen was like well you know i mean technically farts are little pieces of shit and i'm just like you don't know about pieces of shit my son just handed me one i mean there's just no fucking way

i don't care if a fucking tiktok doctor is like well actually it's pellet and you could and if i no no no celebration is a universal language it connects people wherever they go Crazy, crazy. We're making you the guest of honor. So join the celebration with special Aeroplaniversary offers. And 40 chances to win a million points at aeroplan.com slash 40. Rules and conditions apply. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws. Like Hit of the Month. So you get the best deals and low prices on amazing products every month.

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at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store for details. How much, I mean, dude, to sell farts. It's also like, I love how like this chick on 90 Day Fiance is like acting like it's not a sexual thing. Like, like any, any girl that is selling anything actually, unless it's like from a company, it's sexual to the guy, you know? Hey guys. Anytime a girl starts the thing like that, the guy thinks it's sexual.

Hey guys, I just, I've been, so I've been living in this sweater and I'm just going to. It's sexual to a guy. You know, and not just panties. I don't get that kink, you know. Guys want panties and socks, but it's like some chicks are out there like, should I just sell feet pics? I mean, it's not, it's not the,

it's not like it's my pussy or tits. It's sexual to the guy. People hate Kristen up for feet pics. So far, she's stayed true to me. But times get hard. We might sell them feet pics. Actually, now that I think about it, there used to be a guy that used to comment on my thing

that every time my feet were seen, he'd be like, man, I love your feet. It's always sexual. Guys can make anything sexual, though, for real. Like, straight up. Like, there's kinks for, you go on porn, there's kinks for everything. But, I don't know. What was I talking about? They're selling the farts, dude.

They interviewed her. They were like, why do you think people buy your farts? she was like because i think i'm a good person oh dude that's what she said though that's what she said because i'm a good person imagine thinking someone bought your farts because you give to charity imagine walking in the living room and just somebody, and someone goes, ew, and you say, I'm a good person. It's fine. I'm charitable. Sorry, I'm charitable.

Enjoy it. I give to UNICEF. You know what I mean? I feed the homeless. You're welcome. Dude, that's so gross. How fucking stupid can you be? She's got to be putting one on us, man.

Also, dude, just shit in it. You know? You're going to fucking poot in it like a pussy? Shit in it. And then, then I shit in it. You know, you're going to fucking put in it like a pussy shit in it. And then, then I'll buy it because it's embarrassing for both of us. A fart is nothing. You know, by the time I get it, it's nothing. You know, you sell me a fart and you ship it to me. By the time I get it, it's nothing shit in it. So we can both be embarrassed. And I get to keep that of yours. Hey guys, got the 90 Day Fiance girl shit.

I'll bring it to my shows. I'll do a fucking whole bit about it. I'll be a prop comic with your shit. Hmm. So gross, dude. Um... so gross dude um what's up with this fucking uh liver king guy dude like just how about this man you know the liver king guy the guy who's like literally looks like a ninja turtle but he's not green like he's so jacked he's on tiktok or instagram like

guy just relax just chill for a little bit why are you so so strong you know what i'm talking about first of all you're four three nobody is that jacked that's not like even the rock would look at this guy and be like why do you look like fucking uhbop and Rocksteady? Got it right this time. Couldn't get it last episode. But the guy's so jacked. He looks like, I mean, fuck, dude. He's so jacked. He looks like a beetle.

And he's got a huge beard. And he eats fucking bone marrow. Hey, guy, give it a rest. It's weird to be one of those big jacked muscular dudes and absolutely have no use for it you know what i mean like you're just your use is looking in the mirror and going nice what's your use dude you're not climbing you're not go you're not fucking like what and it's and you're not in a competition like bodybuilding okay but also you're not in a competition you're just outside and then on tiktok the guy fucking is like yeah i got my bone right here got my bones right here

like what this isn't a meal man bones he's just like yeah yeah, here's, here's, here's. Here, let's click on this. This is him eating. Here we go. This is him eating. We got a protein shake. Okay, protein shake. Where's my liver?

Here's my liver. Okay, dude, first of all, where's my liver? You know? Hey, guy, eat a cheeseburger. Where's my liver Here's my liver Also always know where your liver is You couldn't possibly hand me

A can of liver And I wouldn't know where it is In my house You know Hey Chris where'd you put that Right here that's where I'm fucking right there with you Hey Chris where'd you put that It's right. That's where I'm fucking right there with you. Hey Chris, where'd you put that? It's right here. I put it over there near the fucking shelf.

Got three or four ounces of liver in here. Of course, ounces. We have some bone marrow, a couple of pieces of femur bone. How do you chew it? We have a liver king concoction, always. Disgusting. With some grass and sugar. Dude, concoction.

You know? So far, everything has been liver. Here we got the liver here. Where's my liver? Here's my liver. Three ounces of liver. We've got a liver concoction. We've got bones from a liver cow. You know how we do it. You know the drill. No, no, no, dude. You know how we do it. Dude, I love the fucking you know how we do it, guys. Only guys who are telling you how they're doing it say, you know how we do it. And it's like, yeah, because you just got done telling me, liver king. Some homemade pork rinds.

So much meat. A couple of pieces of avocado, because that's all liver queen would spare for me. And four cheeseburgers with a little bit of onion. We have some garnishes. We've got some fermented ketchup from the farm. Some maple syrup in case we need to slather some more calories on. And a couple of fermented pickles here. For the King's Ham for dinner today. And then he fucking shaves the bones on the burgers and eats it.

Like it's salt. Like, what are you doing, dude? Hey, guy. Although he looks like it's salt like what are you doing dude hey guy although he looks like he's fucking killing it dude i mean the guy's getting like nice houses and shit but hey dude i'll say it you look awful hey i'll say why does nobody tell jack the guys, hey, guy, you look awful. Dude, like I was watching a podcast. I think Rogan and somebody else. And they were like, yeah, chicks say they don't like muscular guys. They're lying.

Dude, no. What? No, they're not lying. And here the fucking haters be like, oh, Chris, you're just jealous. Well, I work out. Your boy keeps it beefy. I'm breaking strong guys' hearts all across the country, well into the UK. I got motherfuckers in Australia with a fucking severed heart because I'm doing 20 chin-ups in a row.

19. But it's like, dude, so don't come at me. I don't want to look like a turtle. It's so ridiculous how these motherfuckers look. They look awful. Dude, and nobody will say it, I guess. Dude, and nobody will say it, I guess. It's crazy that people, it's crazy that when big ass muscular dudes walk into places that people don't audibly go, ew.

Or at least, whoa. I'm going to do that now from now on If I'm in Target and a fucking huge dude With like one of those scoopy tank tops Where you can see their fucking tits Some dude walks in with some really short Red shorts and a scoopy Tank top to expose nipples I'm just going to go whoa Hey dude you finished working out

Congratulations You going again tomorrow? Why? Well, because I got all this liver I got to eat. Man, this liver isn't going to eat itself. Here's another video. OneFire just sent it to me. Wow.

Liver King here. Our early ancestors prized seafood. So much so that even when tribes were at war with one another, those that were landlocked would trade with the enemy to procure the stuff. Really fucking went downhill when he said stuff, you know?

Was so well said until he said stuff. Let's say it again. Let's see it again. To procure the stuff. Liver King here, our early ancestors prized seafood. So much so that even when tribes were at war with one another those that were landlocked would trade with the enemy to procure the stuff went downhill dude the guy's on so many steroids wire i don't understand i eat seafood once a week

with my tribe every wednesday skin on bone and sard. And if you can't do that, you can do what a bear does. Go straight for the source and get the eggs. What? No. Oh no. This guy's going to die so early. There's more. Oh!

The fuck can he? First of all, he has a helper. He holds the trout up or whatever the fuck it is and and the person comes in and starts squeezing it and and out of the fish's pussy is just plopping eggs into his fucking beard and he's opening his mouth while the helper's squeezing it this is a dead fish you know and the guy's just going like this a few fucking eggs fall out of the fish's pussy and then he goes more

hey guy this is like the first guy that ever existed only somehow he's in 2021 guarantee guarantees there's more again i knew it i knew it dude yes dude i know people more he keeps saying more. The fish is shitting in his mouth. Okay. Oh, I was going to throw up so hard. I was going to throw up so hard. That has all the goodness.

Passed out right after this. And the sea life. And that's how you do it like a bear. Liver King out. Threw up, passed out like fucking when Jake Paul hit Woodley. Fucking passed out like that with his arms down after that. I mean, who's helping him?

You know? The Liver Queen? Bro, this is so gross. That guy giving a ride. God, guys are so weird. Tribes. Anytime somebody's like... You know what's unbelievable the guy has no tattoos it's unbelievable it's so weird that people are like when guys are always talking

about like my tribe and shit it's like no dude you work in an office building do you know i'm talking about this is just i mean i know you don't wear a shirt a lot liver king but like guys you know it's guys who are in like that were in frats or like yeah man my tribe me and my kids my tribe or like fucking the rock says it a lot like dude god damn i'm so sick of actors acting like acting is hard too. Like, for real. Like, I've, like, dude, I saw, I follow this one actor and he was just like, hey, man, it's six, on his story, he was like, it's 6 a.m. And I just fucking, I'm up, I'm up while you're, while you're sleeping, get grinding.

And he's just like, was like going over sides. Like, dude, first of all, what everyone wakes up at 6 AM. I mean, I don't, except for comedians and babies. Everyone wakes up at six to go to work. Even moms wake up at six because their kids are waking up at six. And this guy's like, dude, the grind never stops. 6 AM with a highlighter. Oh yeah, really? The grind never stops with a yellow highlighter

dude it's hilarious acting isn't fucking hard okay it's not hard i get it the rock schedule is hard but what the rock is actually doing it's not hard it's not hard i was in that fucking movie army of the dead it's not hard i was out there it was hot as shit and albuquerque albuquerque sucks i had to wait around a lot it was hard to take off my fucking jumpsuit because i had to piss but it's not hard to be like here they come this is what acting is unless you're fucking christian bale by the way and i don't mean the diet shit christian bale does some weird hard acting and uh the guy who played abe lincoln daniel day lewis hard acting but also if you're that, you're probably a huge asshole. Nah, dude, I'm Abe Lincoln, actually, even when the camera isn't running. Oh, really?

I got to fucking change my life now? Okay. Okay, 16th president. It's just not hard. And like, what was I talking about? Something about fucking goddamn, I don't even remember. But it's just like, I don't talking about, something about fucking, god damn, I don't even remember, but it's just like, I don't know, he was eating fucking fish pussy, and now I'm fucking talking about how acting isn't hard, but whatever, it's just like actors, dude, the fucking Oscars, I talked about it when the Oscars happen, every year when the Oscars happen, it's just like,

it's so just, okay, just okay dude all right all right you said some fucking lines that's it i got a friend in vancouver right now doing a movie and it's so easy for him he's just chilling 11 a.m he's just chilling in the trailer waiting to get called to come in and say well this looks a little suspicious nine times and then eat some fucking bagels at craft service don't let these fucking actors say oh, it's grueling and the fucking, dude, it's not, man. Fuck all that shit. You know how many times a career

somebody gets to play in a movie like Manchester by the Sea? Fucking once. It's not hard. The only one doing hard shit is Hugh Jackman and that's because he dances in every goddamn movie and figures out a way to sing. But yeah, dude, and the liver king's name is Brian Johnson.

So fucking basic. I got to send him some Sorry Strong Guys merch. I want to actually talk about this guy, Matt Reif, who is a comedian that has a special on YouTube. I love this dude. He's funny. He's one of the fucking hardest workers. And he's a great stand-up.

And he's got his special for free on YouTube. So type in Matt Reif, M-A-T-T-R-I-F-E, and watch his special. He's a great guy. And it'd be cool to get his clicks up there because, uh, I fucking, I like to do it. So check that out if you can. That's me co-signing. Um, I saw the fucking Jake Paul fight.

I really kind of only saw that sixth round, which was unbelievable, dude. I've talked about this before, but Jake Paul, uh, smashing Tyrone Woodley, dude, let me tell you something. You don't fuck with somebody who's an underdog and Jake Paul has lived to be the underdog. Everybody was making fun of this motherfucker. Everyone hated this dude. If you're somebody who people hate and you train, that's a deadly weapon. That's it. All the boxers come out of the fucking most hardcore ghettos. Jake Paul is in the mental ghetto because everyone hates this motherfucker. He's in the ghetto of shame he's in the shame

ghetto because everyone fucking can't stand this motherfucker and he flipped it on him by training he flipped it on him and now he's beating the shit out of motherfucking real fighters yeah it's not grappling okay tyrone woodley is a rat as a grappler okay but he knocked him out cold he slumped him he goes like this yo it's, go to sleep. And the guy fell down chin first. Now, you never know, but if you're not a boxer, you've got to stop, dude, but they're not going to because they're making $70 million, right? And I'm so sick of everyone saying, oh, it's rigged. Dude, how about this?

Even if it is, who fucking cares? It's a YouTuber. Proof that Tyrone Woodley-Jake Paul fight was rigged. Okay? Now what? Can I watch something else? Who gives a shit? You know, it's not like it's fucking Spinks and Tyson.

Who cares? Also, who even cares if that's... I don't care, dude. But it's so weird that people are like all over. Oh yeah. Another rigged fight. Another it's like, okay. So what they say, Hey, Tyrone Woodley, you could get fucking this many million dollars.

If you just take a hit. All right. They're not going to stop, dude. It's better. It's better for Showtime. If Jake Paul fucking becomes a big boxing star, which he already is practically. But it's, you know, they need a star. They need another star. Canelo, how long is he going to go?

You know? That's HBO. But like Tyson Fury, how long is he going to go? You need a star. And yeah, it's going to be that fucking little. I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know, man.

I don't know. All I'm saying is these guys are all going to be fucking brain dead in like, like when they're 50, they're all going to be just like brain dead. I mean, dude, you're taking shots to the dome. Even Jake Paul said the other day, he was like, oh, I already have suffered from memory loss. I love every time I go to the doctor, I tell him something. He's like, well, yeah, no, that's just what happens. Like with, like I go to the doctor last time I went to the doctor. I was like, yeah, man, I forget a lot more than I usually do than I used to. And he's like, well,

how old are you? I'm like 41. Oh yeah. No, that's just what happens. Oh, okay. Is it the gabapentin? No, it's just probably you're getting older. Oh, okay. Last time I asked him, I was like, I was like, Hey, I'm tired as shit. What's up? I'm like way more tired than I used to be. He's like, how old are you? I'm like 35. And he said, oh yeah, Hey, I'm tired as shit. What's up? I'm like way more tired than I used to be. He's like, how old are you? I'm like 35. And he said, oh yeah, no, that's just kind of what happens. I said, so I'm just gonna be tired all the time now. Am I not getting enough iron?

He's like, no, you're just 35. You're just tired now. Dude, what else happens? That's what I want to know. I'm 41. What else happens? I guess the vision goes next. Early forties, your vision is supposed to go hardcore, right?

Like you're not supposed to look at things closely. You got to hold them out. You got to start doing the thing where you're holding them out like you're in a fucking christmas carol just staring at fucking manuscripts with the burnt fringes oh yes yes like that's i guess what happens and that's i'm gonna go to the doctor hey man i can't see stuff as closely yeah no that's just what happens what else this shit is like when you found out fucking santa the tooth fairy and a fucking green goblin weren't real, it's like, oh, dude, why didn't you just tell me when I was younger, dude, I didn't know you start forgetting shit when you're 41, no, yeah, that's just what happens, can I take anything, no, no, not anything with no side effects, okay, okay, I guess I'm,

boxing just seems like such a bad idea dude if boxing if boxing is boxing and football well also the ufc started in 1999 now it wouldn't start though maybe it would dude money talks i don't know liver king, you know? King. Checkout. Just need a nice place to settle in? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express.

Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. Go to chrysalia.com and get your merch. Get your chrysalia.com. He's also on Cameo, he goes out there he's been having a lot more fun than he thought he would on Cameo, go to cameo.com

slash chrysalia for all your holiday greetings and birthdays and he'll just shout you out a roast, he really really really will give you the biz Cameo um what's this Michael Caine Merry Christmas tweet

what was it again I fucking wrote this down I forget you dropped it he's dropping it he's dropping it he's dropping it it's not on it yet but he's dropping it and one fire said whoops and of course one fire it was seven days ago

I'll just pull it up right here here it is and it's not showing me because I'm not logged in. Haven't been onto it. Here we go. Wow, dude. The guy just shows a picture. Oh, dude, this is on. Michael Caine continues to be the best person on the internet. It's unreal. Dude, he just put happy Xmas and it's his headshot. Also, wow. Is there anything more old guy than that? Happy, by the way. Sometimes I say happy Christmas, but whenever I do, I think about it. It's so British, right? Is that a British thing?

What's up with that, dude? Just say merry. Also, no. You know what? Fuck that. Say happy. Why did we change it to merry anyway? What is this, fucking 1812?

Yeah, it says merry because his belly is full. Imagine, how are you? I'm merry. In fucking August. I'm merry. Also, dude, he put it up December 13th. He probably is like, oh, I don't know how long I have left. I definitely want to,

I am 984 years old. Might as well. Just people like, do you want to put the tweet out now? I'll do it. Dude. Michael Caine is still in so many fucking movies, dude.

Hey, Michael Caine, quit. Hey, Michael Caine, dude. He's like the liver King of acting. You just want to be like another fucking movie? Michael Cain, dude. I'll do it. That's the thing I don't get. See, this is the thing, the whole, I used to think my career was the most important thing in my life,

and it's just not. I wonder howael cain is in a as a real person like nobody works that much and is not i that's just i don't know man dude how easy is it to act in the roles of michael cain does too he's always just like oh excuse me you know well that's he's always like that and shit. The one good acting, the one hard acting he did was in The Dark Knight when he was just like, I've always loved you

or whatever the fuck he says to Christian Bale. And Christian Bale was fucking... I'll tell you right now, I'm calling it Christian Bale is going to die so early because of all of his weight fluctuation. Oh, good.

We like to keep it real. I'm Italian. Who keeps it real like Italians? File's done dude fucking one fire's stomach just spoke so loud it was unbelievable dude it went

honestly it was oh it's not queued up Sensational It wasn't queued up And I'm pissed Great All good

Cheesecake Sensational So weird I don't This is the thing Like when they ask Oh wait they said What's your favorite thing

And he said cheesecake Was that what it was Yeah Nah you don't Miss me with them fucking questions dude anybody ever does those questions with me again miss me with that shit for real i don't do fun fucking questions like that yeah so chris leah what what do you nah dude miss me with those motherfuckers for real all right let's do some uh um uh um, uh, Chris Christmas and years end. Um, what do you call a misconnection? Oh no.

Uh, yeah, let's do that right now. Wow. Why are these always so foreign? Like, why isn't it just like, here it is. Miss my bright beachy girly friend. We used to hang out in Santa Monica and talk all night. Beach, coffee houses, and restaurants.

We closed them all. It didn't matter what we talked about. You're always so smart and well read. Please come back to me or send me a friend. Wow. Dude, 90% of these are so like longing for the specific love and then at the very end just actually longing for any love that's the fucking so telling about

people who do this you know they just want any kind of fucking connection right it's like oh man i missed you so much you were the guy who fucking i met at subway we both ordered the same sandwich and we had this fucking beautiful long conversation and we talked outside until the sun went down and it was along the pch god i miss it so much reach out if it's you i think your name is greg also anyone hit me up I think your name is Greg. Also, anyone, hit me up. Also, if you have a cock or a pussy or legs or arms, doesn't matter.

Just say what up. They're all like that at the end. Morning, here's a, saw each other shopping, West Hollywood. Morning, I was with my husband and you ran into me accidentally, but asked if I want black meat. I'm interested. Let's talk. I mean, how did someone who is so obvious in real life how did it not work out already how do you need to get to the internet hey nobody's shy in this situation imagine somebody's got the balls to say hey do you do you want black meat and you have the fucking want for black meat

so enough to fucking write about it and think about it and put it on the internet you already did all the hard work how are you running to the fucking misconnections anonymously when the hard work is done? It's like building a hotel and then being like, shit, you know what, dude? We got to finish those blueprints. Hey, you don't have people stay in you. You know? Here's another one. Looking for a lady to eat out

lady and eat out are so diametrically opposed like so like classy but also crass as shit by the end hello I'm looking for a lady to eat out.

Ride offered gets way worse. Ride offered from LAOC LB. Wow, so fucking directional right now. You come over to me, I come over to you, or we can do it in my car. Single white guy is here in good shape. Ride offered from LAOC. Wow.

Like not going to get anyone. Here we go. Ooh, this is a good one. Bear pitcher needs twink receiver. Mixing up sports. Looking for a twink mound to pitch my balls to. That died early. Looking for a twink mound to pitch my balls to.

Wow. Wow, this one's so vague. Like, just tweet it right here. Christmas chick and snowflakes, Los Angeles. Any cool guy doing anything cool this weekend? Hey, send out a mass text. Hey, text your friends. Hey, tweet it. Hey, put up a Facebook message. Hey, text your friends. Hey, tweet it.

Hey, put up a Facebook message. Or what do you call it? Here's another one. Kimmy Griffin, which, wow, nobody really says names. Oh, this is a call. Kimmy Griffin, Whittier College, 1970s, Whittier, California. Kimmy Griffin was a pretty African-American woman who attended Whittier College in the 1970s. Does this guy know how to use Facebook? She was a devout Christian and took at least one religion class and attended a

Bible study called Rejoice in Jesus, worst class. IIRC, she had worked with animals and with a veterinarian. I believe she was a bit short and also wore eyeglasses. How do you remember all this shit but not know if she was short or not? Does anyone have any knowledge of where she is today? I would like to touch bases with her before I die. Oh, wow. Is this Michael Caine? Dude, I would like to touch bases, first of all, with her before I die.

So morbid for no reason like like anyone's gonna read this and be like oh fuck okay well i was gonna i was gonna save this till tomorrow but posted about 17 hours ago get on it if you know kimmy griffin also does the guy know how to use anything? Any Google, Facebook, Instagram, just type in Kimmy Griffin. Wow.

Unbelievable. Um, all right. What else can I talk about? That was all I had, but there's a fucking, I should do one more thing. Fuck.

I'm sweaty as shit oh yeah okay you know what let me slip into something a little more comfortable there that's much better um i feel way better go meet in and sometimes stay out get the hoodie now it's fucking legit dude that was legit nith we had somebody staying with it we had a family staying with it we had a friend staying with us um this past week we went to disneyland with him but we also had him staying in our extra one of our extra rooms one of our extra rooms what a cock um and uh he's a chef dude and he cooks man and it's so awesome to be a good cook because it's so far from something that i would ever do i have never i've cooked spaghetti once quesadillas a few times

eggs are plenty and that's it right anything with ingredients or anything like that when i was a kid i i would like i didn't like stuff wow this is actually i forgot that. When I was a kid, I would like, I didn't like stuff. Wow. This is actually, I forgot about this. When I was a kid, I didn't like, like if, if there was like a loaf or a fucking cake or a, or a bread and it had like stuff in it that you could see, I would say to my mom, like I would say to my mom, I would say to my mom, mom, I don't like this kind. And she's like, how do you know you didn't try it? And I'd say, because, because of all the, it's, it has all, it has ingredients this kind. And she's like, how do you know you didn't try it? And I'd say, because of all the, it has ingredients in it. And she was like, what are you talking about?

And I was like, you see all these ingredients? And she was like, everything has fucking ingredients in it. And I'm like, no, but you could see it. She thought, I thought that things you saw, like if you could see like diced up walnuts in bread, that was what ingredients were. That's how it should be. And so there was anything with ingredients in it though, more than like three ingredients,

dude, I'm out. This guy was here. He's a chef and he's got like five restaurants and he fucking cooked to oblivion, dude. And the shit was so good, man. The shit was so fucking good. It was so good. Um, salt and smoke is what he owns in St. Louis and you guys got to go check it out, but it's so it's, it's, he's such a good cook and it's so like, uh, it's like, let me be the guy though. You know, it's my house, you know, it's like, uh, everyone's like, this is so good. And I gotta be like, all right, well, this isn't really the place to do standup, but I got my own shit going they're like yeah but how good is this steak but i'm like yeah but like okay but like after you're done with it you shit it out and like it's over and you gotta clean dishes but

if you just come and fucking watch me yelling to a microphone you'll laugh and can leave without having to clean up though but dude good cooks are fucking they keep them panties dropped dude even mine for real so good man these guys who just cook it up man forget it guy fieri i ate his food once pretty good dude i mean not pretty good very good and i it's just like god damn man these motherfuckers and then you go to restaurants and some of this shit is so bad and it's just like a good cook huh he loved it we even cleaned up after it was like this guy's trying to make me fucking move like dude he's and then that's the thing too if you're with a cook if you're a guy and you don't cook and then a cook comes over and cooks, then, you know, like your girl is always like, they're going to have that thing.

Like Kristen didn't even say it, but she's, I know she's thinking like, you know, you know, yeah. Okay. Or whatever the fuck. And I'm like, yeah, but I got my own shit. All right. You know, I just want to be like, all right, I bought this house. Like my insecurities start to come out.

Yeah, he can make a pork loin, but, you know, it's probably not that good on stage is all I'm saying. Does he have a podcast? Oh, he does? Okay. My God, dude. it's an art calvin doesn't eat shit and even he liked it my mom and my dad reading it dude it's the first meal i ever didn't put salt on that's how crazy it is so you got to go to salt and smoke uh in st louis but it was so good dude i don't i don't know man i mean it's like, I don't cook, alright? And like,

Kristen's gonna have to be happy with that, okay? I've even talked to her about it. I think she's probably okay with it. I guess he left, and it's like, alright, I gotta be extra hilarious or something. She likes me for me anyway, so fuck off. I forgot about this good vibes i want to do a segment called good vibes and here it is

duane wade so who you know how he spells his name wrong that's not what this is about but uh he spells it d w y-Y-A-N-E. Spells it wrong, but that's how he spelled it, I guess. He said, my wife and I, our whole job is to provide, to protect, to love, to facilitate. It's not to say you're going to be this and you're going to do that. It's to find out who our children are, find out their likes and their dislikes, and try to help them through life, find themselves. It's not about us. You know what I mean? It's not about us. Really drove it home at the end there.

I love it. I love it, man. It's not the motherfucking 50s anymore, right? Where the kid's just like, but I want to play ball. Or, but I want to dance, or whatever the fuck. It's cool if you're fucking like that's the thing man being a kid or being a having a kid rather like thinking about calvin and like if he grew up and if he was like you know sure it's harder to come out of the closet and live a life as a gay person because it's like because of society and all the norms and shit i mean not everywhere is Los Angeles where they're just fucking having

parades every three weeks but like and super accepted but like if my son or daughter or whoever I had grew up now that I have one like if they grew up to be gay it's like I can't imagine just fully

supporting and loving the shit out of them for that like I just don't get it I don't get it fully supporting and loving the shit out of them for that. Like, I just don't get it. I don't get it. It's not 1950s anymore. You know, people give him shit because I think his son or his daughter is trans. One of them.

I don't know. I don't really know his whole family life, but, um, props to Dwayne, uh, Wade, even though you didn't spell your fucking first name, right? Um, so that's it, dude. Uh, that's the good vibe segment and you guys have

been great thank you so much for fucking closing this year out to 2021 we got go on go ahead and hit that merch chrislea.com hit the like button go ahead and make friends in those comments and uh keep the algorithm going keep the algorithm going keep it pumping for congratulations dude because your boy can't fire in all syllables if you ain't watching dude i will quit but um i love you guys patreon.com slash chris talia and uh you know we get closer and closer to fucking building that log cabin and sharing ideas thanks guys oh also i forgot one more thing um i'm doing my my uh my my weekend in Oxnard, California at the Improv, at the Oxnard Improv in California. It's going to be Crystalia and Friends. You can get tickets now on my website, crystalia.com, and it will sell out.

So come on over and see me in Oxnard, California, and see me and my friends do some standup, crystalia.com. Hey, guys, that's the episode for today on YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, if you want to catch the uncut episode with no commercials, no ads, no nothing, uh, for $6 a month, you can go on patreon.com slash crystalia and you get an extra episode a month. You get all the backlog of all the extra episodes that have been not seen by the regular uh public on youtube and other segments i do uh other uh outtakes i i i've done like with

the brian callan video i did um there's uh more footage and shit so uh going over to patreon.com and check it all out thanks guys out. Thanks, guys. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations, motherfuckers! You scared the hell out of me! Check, check, one, check, one, check, sound, sound, check, one.