Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 229. For Omicron's Sake

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris reviews The Matrix Resurrections, feels left out of the NFT game, and wonders why he isn't speaking at Alpha Con 2022. Plus Good Vibes and Missed Connections! 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey guys, welcome to the first 2022 episode of Congratulations. Hey, what's up guys? It's Congratulations, episode two, episode whatever it is, and it's 2022.

And we are rip-roaring and firing on all syllables. That's what we're doing here at Congratulations Studios. And just keep in mind that it is 2022. And honestly, we've made it through these past two crazy years with COVID and everything. And you're going to make it through 2022. And let me just be a little inspirational for y'all. Okay. Cause you know me, I can be, I can be inspirational as all get out.

And sometimes I am, and I am right now, dude, I want you to take this, what I'm saying and just ride it out, ride, get on what I'm saying and ride it through 2022. Because you already made it. You already made it through the hard parts. Okay. We're figuring out how to deal with this COVID and shit. And I don't just mean the actual disease. I mean, the ramifications of all the other things too, of the shutdowns and the lockdowns

and everybody's pissed and everyone's upset about how all we got to wear a mask or how come we keep locking down and then we're not locking down there's red state versus blue state thinking and but dude we're gonna get through it okay now all that being said i got covid yeah dude i got covid and that's it i'm done with it i'm already now here's the deal dude all right Yeah, dude, I got COVID. And that's it. I'm done with it. I'm already done. Now, here's the deal, dude, all right?

I'm on day 14 of it right now, okay? And this podcast is going to come out, and I said I got COVID, and I'm going to be doing postings and stuff all over the place on Instagram and fucking TikTok and whatever. You know, your boy goes dummy viral. I went fucking absolutely stupid viral with my last TikTok. And here's the thing, dude.

All right. That's not my fault. That's up to the public. But here's the thing, dude. You're going to see me. Idiots are going to be fucking, oh, dude. But guess what, though?

Why aren't you at home quarantining? It's already over, dude. Okay. I recorded this weeks ago or one week. I don't even really understand when it comes out, but dude, I record it. And then I, and then that's the thing about, I posted a fucking picture of a positive COVID result on my Instagram. It was way later. And then I posted a picture of me driving around and people are like, oh dude, you're not taking this seriously. You're not quarantining. Hey, the good thing about pictures is the reason they exist is so you can hold on to a moment

that was in the past. Okay. When I take a picture, I'm holding on to a moment. Okay. When I take a picture and I post that picture It doesn't necessarily mean I posted the picture As soon as that moment happened That's the great thing about pictures We can all agree about that Pictures are moments in the past Pictures are never from the future And they're never now

They're never now Now it's gone Now it's gone Now it's gone Now it's gone Now it's gone Remember now? It's gone

That's the thing about now It's never now now it's gone all right so everyone stop harping i'm good i'm clean i'm negative dude i'm good i can't you know and here's the other thing too i got that omicron baby i got that motherfucking omicron hell yeah dude i was getting it like it was out of style went to disneyland don't think it was that everyone's like well that's what happens when you go to disneyland don't think it was from that went to disneyland with 10 people nobody got it but me and my fucking immediate nucleus family okay uh and our friend got it too but that's the other people that we went to my mommy my daddy didn't get it okay my fucking uh my friends didn't get it nobody got it their kid didn't get it i think i got it from i i i remember i was talking about it last

time and the thing a guy talked too close to me a fan got it he must have gave me omicron dude i tried to back him up physically i tried to move him like a chess piece and the fucking motherfucker breathed it into me dude congratulations the guy's inside me i've got his omicron so that's great dude i got your omicron guy in the blue shirt guy's inside me. I've got his Omicron. So that's great, dude. I got your Omicron, guy, in the blue shirt, in your blue long-sleeve shirt. I got your Omicron. So it's okay.

Here's what happened, dude. First day, symptom, couldn't believe how tired I was. I couldn't believe how fucking tired I was. I was tired all day. And everyone around me was like, yo, don't you just have days where you're just tired all day? Nah, dude, not me. Now I was tired all day. And everyone around me was like, yo, don't you just have days where you're just tired all day? Nah, dude, not me. No, I'm lethargic. Right? I'm the human Garfield and that's okay. I am. I don't even love lasagna, but I'll tell you, I'll tell

you I'm lethargic. I'm an orange cat, baby. Right? I'm an orange cat with a yellow mouth who has an owner named John. That's me, baby. Okay? And so I was sleeping all day, dude, all day. And everyone's like, it's fine. I'm like, why am I so tired? Everyone's like, dude, I get this way. Kristen and her friend was, she's like, we get this way, man. Some days you just lay in bed.

I love those days. I was like, really? I don't ever lay in bed all day. I never do that. And I never lay in bed all day. I don't do that. But I laid on the couch. I fell asleep on the couch. I fell asleep on the other couch.

Oh, I've got couches. I fell asleep on all of them, dude. Okay. Then I fell asleep in the bed. Dude, my shit was out. Next day, woke up, felt great. I was like, great. It's not Omicron.

Felt great. Monday, did a podcast. Juan Fire came over. His girlfriend came over. Fucking everyone. We kind of hung out, had a good time. Monday night, went to sleep, woke up 3 a.m. with the goddamn shivers. Dude, the shivers were unreal. The shivers were unreal. And that's why I didn't warm up, dude. Okay. It's also early. We're filming this podcast early in the day. We're not doing it at nighttime. And that's me with fucking, you know, gargley throat waking up. No fucking prep. Just me singing. Right. So imagine if I fucking just did some mayo, mayo, mayo maze. Um, yeah. So woke up with the shivers i was like what the fuck it's so cool now it's so cool and i'm always cold right so i get up i'm shivering i walk over to take a pee

i almost faint i pee i have to sit down i sit down on the floor got a little bit of nauseous couldn't believe it thought i was gonna throw up used my mind to not throw up okay i used my mind to not throw up. Okay. I used my mind to not throw up. You know how sometimes you try to force it with your body. You're like, come on, man. And you're squeezing on and you're holding on, dude. You're like in a fucking roller coaster. And you're not sure whether this fucking, this shit's going to eject from either end. And you're just like, come on, force it down. I stopped. I used my mind. I used my mind. I relaxed. I used my mind. My mind took over. I didn't throw up, stood up, right? It was like the end of a movie when Batman's badly beaten, but you still know he's the hero. And I shivered all the way back to bed, went back to bed. It was

like three, 4 a.m. Woke up 6 a.m. The bed was a puddle. The bed was a pool. My fever broke. Woke up. Then at noon, headache central for a whole day. Headache central into the next day. Then I was fine. And I was only nauseous a little bit.

And I've been fine ever since, dude. Then it got bad again, like three days later. But I was nauseous. Felt like shit. Woke up the next day. It was great. It was Christmas. It was great. Omicron. I beat Omic later, but I was nauseous, felt like shit, woke up the next day, was great. It was Christmas. It was great.

Omicron. I beat Omicron, dude. I did it, man. A lot of people probably thought if I got Omicron, I might fucking pass away, but I didn't, dude. I didn't, man. Your boy was never face down in a lung machine or whatever the fuck they put you in. But yeah, I'm fucking healthy as shit, dude.

I mean, that's why I say, sorry, strong guys, because a lot of strong guys would get these fucking things and just be out for days. Dude, your boy wasn't out. I quarantined like a good boy. I mean, I was, I was being a good boy having Omicron, but dude, I was crazy fucking strong. So I'm sorry to break your heart. Strong guys. Speaking of which we got the merch out there. Chris Talia.com. Sorry to break your heart. Strong guys. Merch. We've got new colorways at the go medium and sometimes stay out. The shit is just fucking drippy, dude. I'm sorry, but the shit's so drippy. We've got the worldwide life rip. We've got new life rips,

fucking, um, colorways. Go, go check out crystal. You.com support the show and let them know fucking life rips, especially in 2022. Dude,

we're not letting it get back downhill. You're not going to let it get back downhill, man. I did some crazy cameos over the past. A lot of people fucking asked me to do cameos. I love it. I actually fucking like it way more than I thought I did. And of course, I'm collecting racks and that's why I'm doing it, dude. I'm not trying to pretend I'm connected to my fans. I'm collecting racks. So you get a cameo from me. A lot of people are like, my buddy's

been through a rut. Cheer him up, dude. I get it, man it man i get it i connect with you motherfuckers too dude i look right into the camera and i feel you man so anyway i got fucking omicron and it's all good man i guess hey dude it's just the fucking life of an alpha male it's a fucking life of an alpha male dude fuck it man goddamn life of a goddamn alpha male just getting omicron and just coughing for a day and by the way i didn't even cough but coughing just for fuck's sake of it you know what i mean just because everyone you know they say it's a respiratory thing so i'll cough i'll give you a little bit omicron i'll give you a little bit i coughed for fun a little bit and kristen was like oh my god are you coughing and i'm like i'm just doing it

for omicron's sake took some fucking woke up at 12 30 every single day took some fucking day quill god it's amazing what day quill can do it is amazing what day quill and a little bit of espresso can just do when i used to get a cold in my 20s i used to take day quill and red bull and my shit bro i was fucking i would do that shit. I would take some Dayquil and then take some fucking a Red Bull or two and then immediately just fucking. Forget it, man. I was flying around on that shit.

I was going nuts. I had to do shows with the flu. I'd just be like, you know what? Give me the fucking, give it to me. Give me some fucking Dayquil and give me some espresso. Your boy would be in New Orleans. I couldn't even hear my fucking act. I was out there talking like Charlie Brown's teacher. Cause my shit was all clogged up, but I took fucking Dayquil and fucking whatever the hell I said uh some espressos that i'm faint right now i'm faint because i'm a cron and i did that and i'm running out of breath and it's all good but day quill works so well my buddy tried to be like oh advo you know it's actually

advo cold and sinus health because um the the ingredients in it nah dude they killed it all the way when some shit is bright orange like you know you know it's got to help right that's why they get the commercials for gatorade you know it's got electrolytes babies i'm into electrolytes man what can i say i'm into fucking electrolytes i'm into orange shit i'm into medicine if you want me to drink a medicine make it fucking purple or orange otherwise how's it was it work i remember one time i did fucking when i was doing jujitsu um my my uh my sensei's wife would i brought in red gatorade to drink after the practice she was like no this is not good look at this look at this look what color it is it's not natural she brought me to the bathroom and fucking poured it out in front of

me and she's like you don't drink this and i was like oh okay sorry yeah i guess it's red left immediately got a fucking gatorade and that's just the fucking style i do i i was out 250 because i hurt but it doesn't matter man there's better than fucking arguing and say no give me that shit right i'm not i would back then i wasn't a fucking alpha male but right now the left of an alpha male you know what i mean i get i'm a cron and i keep moving dude what's the deal with this fucking alpha i there's this thing i talk about this out because i just found out about this alpha con which is unbelievable i can't believe they didn't fucking ask me to speak at it this is an alpha con thing and i'm playing going to the website

it says alpha con 2002 22 be great or be nothing. Wow, that's amazing. No, that's not true. You can also be fine and just live. This is the thing. It's February 18th to 19th. Just say February 18th and 19th and don't act like there's fucking like a string of days you can go and you can only go two. Come get real tactical strategies to scale your business in 2022.

Attend as an executive member or sign up as a VIP. AlphaGon 2002. Wow. Wow, dude. VIP two-day event access pass is $3,000. It says almost sold out. Guarantee it's not. Of course, there's a guy with a Mohawk speaking.

Dude, how did they not ask me to speak? Let's look at this fucking commercial for it first of all dude it says make sure your sound is turned on and then it also says next to it sound have your sound on twice fuck yeah dude alphacon salt lake city ufo who? A guy with a fucking faux hawk speaks. Speakers include Nick Sontasel. Dude, oh, wow. There's a guy just named Brad Lee on it, which is secretly just, his name is Bradley. Bradley Lee. His name is Brad, last name Lee.

That's just Bradley. Dude, that's the most alpha shit ever. Your whole name, that's like if your name was Chester and your last name was son. Chester son. Jason Harward speaking, dude. Wow, dude. That one guy's got no arms.

Jeremiah the Bull Evans got the full arm. Keith Yackey, dude. Wow. Keaton the Muscle Hoskins. Oh, my God. These guys are fucking wider than they are tall. Dude. AlphaCon 2022. What the they are tall. Brown. Dude. AlphaCon 2022.

Well, fuck. Yo. Hey. Hey. Come on down to AlphaCon. Don't bring your girl. Or we are guaranteed to fuck your bitch. Fuck yeah.

Even the guy with no arms. Or straight up fuck your bitch. Jeremiah the Bull. Fucking Keith Yackey and Keaton the Muscle. Oh, fuck your bitch, consensually. Dude, the guy with no arms, man. There's a guy with no arms. What's his name?

Nick in Salt Lake City, Utah. Nick, come on. Nick Santanastasso. Nick Santanastasso Nick Santanastasso God, for what he lacks in limbs, he makes up for in letters That's for sure Wow, dude, fuck yeah, dude These are the alpha, I need to, why didn't they ask me

To speak at this shit? Dude, speakers include Chris D'Elia, I'm coming I'm fucking coming with my own microphone Nick Santanastasso He lacks in limbs, but he's got the letters and he will fuck your bitch even with only one limb yeah dude they do not you go there you learn nothing straight up dude these are the other guys names aaron wagner jimmy rex keaton hoskins brad lee the bull tim ballard ian went keith. Dude, I feel like they all

got their names after the first AlphaCon. They needed to fucking, they had regular names until they fucking just stepped it up and went to AlphaCon and paid three grand for the shits. Bro, I'm fucking, I'm an Alpha dude. These guys can't, I'm going to start my own fucking, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have a BetaCon. I'm going to start my own fucking, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have a beta con. I'm going to have a beta con next to the alpha con. And all we're going to do, you're going to pay for a membership and it's going to cost some fucking money.

And all we do, all we do is fucking, is go like this to the alpha con. I, excuse me. Oof. And we bump into each other and our papers go you have to bring a bunch of papers when you get there we give you a stack of papers and we say have fun and and there's too many people there and you bump into each other and the papers go flying you go oh my god no it's okay no don't worry about it it's okay and you push your glasses up and you go, I'm sorry. It was my fault. It was clumsy. The beta con dude. And it's that fucking, and it's this shit. Uh, uh, it's this shit. Oh God. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. It's that shit. In the meantime, over at fucking alpha con, they're just having a goddamn field day, dude. Fucking absolute fucking all the

bit to, uh, guys, don't let your women too close to AlphaCon. We should have we've we honestly we should have made it a lot further away, but we're right next door and they keep on fucking our bitches. Even the they keep on fucking our women. Even the what do you call it? Even the guy with the one limb.

How did he get in there? Fucking AlphaCon we'll fuck your bitches. We'll How did he get in there? Fuck it out for con. We'll fuck your bitches. We'll fucking fuck your bitches. No matter how many labs we got. Dude, that's all we do. Hello, here at BetaCon, you will get direct access and a VIP badge on different classes, including looking over to the side at alphas.

Make sure... Hi! Hey, what's up? My name is Stephen. I'm the speaker for BetaCon, and I... Oh, God. Ouch. Excuse me.

I don't normally speak in front of this many people. I can't believe how many of you there are. And I appreciate you all. Oh, looks like that guy dropped his papers. I appreciate you guys all coming to see me. And oops, another guy just dropped his papers. He bumped into somebody. If we could just practice looking over at AlphaCon,

make sure you have, okay okay so they're over there um they're over there having sex that you can notice them by the faux hawks and they're wider than they are tall and um just practice holding your chest and craning your neck and looking and then your breasts say oh my god you can hear their music really faintly if you're listening alpha con dude hell yeah dude i need to have fucking alpha con i need i'm a speaker there probably if i go there i'm gonna go there and wear a fucking black tank top and have a monster energy drink. How many times, honestly, do you think that they say, where's Chad?

People say that in that, in AlphaCon. All right, dude. I saw it. I saw the new one. Matrix Resonation or Resolution or Revolution. What the fuck is the Resurrection? Right? Resurgence?

Fucking who knows. Matrix Resurrection, right? Because it came back after 20 years. You know, here's what I want to say about it man i watched it about a week ago and i saw how do i start saying this well i sat with it for a week i will say i'll start i'll start it by saying how good it is, and then I'll go back and I'll tell you why. The worst movie that could possibly exist in this time period. In this era, The Matrix, this movie couldn't even have existed if this era didn't exist. The Matrix Resurrection is the worst movie i have ever seen and it's also

compoundly compoundedly compoundly bad because of the time that we're in it is also even more leveled up bad because of how amazing the matrix is. The matrix, the first one is one of my favorite movies of all time. It is top. It is top 10 favorite movies of all time. It's so good the way how intricate it is and how much it creates a world and then adheres to that world. These Wachowski motherfuckers killed it, dude. It was unbelievable.

It was so good. It defined a new kind of genre. It changed action movies. It changed cinema now of course the ancillary uh actors the ancillary characters the people that the cast did they all look like they would be in in fucking they would be poor male porn actors yes they did does it matter no every single person in matrix two and matrix three all the ancillary characters, did it seem like they were fucking male porn actors? Yes, it did.

Find one ancillary character in the Matrix 2 and 3 that don't look like they did fucking, like they jizzed on other people's fucking tits and faces and even guys too, gay ones too. Like they did, like straight up. Like the guy, it's unbelievable how many fucking side characters in the Matrix only look like fucking porn actors. how many fucking side characters in the matrix only look like fucking porn actors it's a male and not not female but male porn actors straight and also gay ones dude it's so crazy every white guy that they and and also there's a lot of like mixed race guys they all look like guys that would just be like oh yeah and jizz all over someone else's face whether male or female okay i don't know why the Wachowski, well, sisters did that shit, brothers,

I don't want to, you know, dead name them, God for fucking bid, right? But they were back then, they, well, they were, they would say that they were women, they just, you know, had to come out, okay, fine, but they were still known as the Wachowski brothers back then, okay, fine, whatever. Matrix 2 is horrendous.

I'm going to, you know, I know i say matrix three i thought was great okay matrix one was just all time two was really bad three was great that's what i thought okay so say what you want about the trilogy but matrix number one the first one okay so it was great so 22 years have passed since the matrix and 60 in the actual world of the matrix. Now, let me tell you, um, I watched this movie. First of all, Neo's in therapy in the beginning. Okay. I'm not going to really do many.

I'm not going to do spoilers. I'm just going to tell you about the movie. I haven't seen it. Um, but it's not me who spoiled the movie. It's the movie that spoiled the movie. Okay. But, um, he's in therapy, which is so weird. Also, let me tell you this too.

Uh, Keanu Reeves, he's, I, you know how much I love Keanu Reeves. I love Keanu Reeves. I'll watch him in anything and I will continue to do so. He's just too old, dude. There was one time where he was fighting, doing the fight scenes. The fight scenes, first of all, they're sucked. there's no guns in them which is so weird he did the fight scene where he was in the middle of fighting and he got up he used his hand on his knee to get up okay game over it's it that's it you're in the matrix by the way you don't need to use your knee

to get up your hand on your knee he's too old he looks weird everybody acts badly in it neil patrick harris is in it the it. Neil Patrick Harris is in it. The guy from fucking Mindhunter is in it. They're the new Adrian Smith and the bad guy. Dude, it's so weird. Like Neil Patrick Harris. Sure. He's a funny actor, but he's the bad guy in the matrix now, bro. This is Doogie Howser. This is the guy from how I met your mother. And he's all like, right now, nah, dude, the movie is so so colorful and so it's so here's the thing too it's so of the time it's so it's you know uh the fucking video fucking neo works he doesn't know he's in the matrix anymore and he works and he's famous because he created a video game called the

matrix and it did so many numbers because it was basically the movie of the matrix that he then sold into a video game and he's working on a new game and they want to make him do the the sequel to the matrix video game so it's so super meta but also they're using footage of the actual movie as it being the video game in the matrix resolution and it's like they're like well this is the video game that you made and it's like got keanu reeves and that fucking chicken plays trinity in it in the fucking video game quote unquote but they're just showing the movie and you're watching it and you're just like hey that was the matrix the movie though you're telling me you made this movie it cost 200 million

dollars you couldn't make a fucking cgi video game version of the shit you're just showing the movie it's so and it's like so like here's thing too. The Matrix, I didn't know this back then, but when I saw this, you know, the Wachowski back then, we knew them as the Wachowski brothers. They were battling with shit inside themselves. They believed they were women. They then, uh, uh, what do you call it? Um, changed to women. What do you call it?

Fucking, uh, changed to women what do you call it fucking uh transition to women and and they did that and you know fucking good on them man um and that's awesome and then you watch the matrix again and you realize that oh shit dude this is about people unplugging from the norms of society in the real world and finding out that just because this is what people say the real world is doesn't mean that you can't become who you want to be and live as the one and with an outside of the matrix. It's all a fucking metaphor for trans politics. And there are people who are trying to like, you know, stop you and make you feel shitty about it. There are people who are trying to like, uh, you know, stop you and make you feel shitty about it. It dude, when you watch the matrix again, now in that lens, and I looked it up online

too, and they were, you know, they were saying that one of the, one of the, they wanted one of the actors to be, uh, a male in the matrix and a female outside the matrix or whatever it was, or I don't know if it was vice versa, but corporate Hollywood or corporate America, Warner Brothers wasn't ready for that. So they didn't do that. And it's like to make this movie, this art digestible to corporate America and have it secretly be about this trans woman's idea of what it's like to be a woman and trapped in a

man's body that is mind-blowing that is amazing that made me like the movie even more like they did that shit and it was like haha jokes on you corporate america i'll make you digest this shit and this is secretly about this. And then you go and rewatch it. You're like, oh, you're Weeby meme in it. You're like, oh, that's amazing. You did it, Wachowskis. That was killer shit.

It was ahead of its time and you fucking killed it. And that's what art should be. Whether or not you believe a woman was born with a pussy or not who gives a shit who cares that's what art is and you fucking nailed it i don't care if you think you're a fucking grilled cheese sandwich you nailed it you nailed it congratulations you're a talent motherfuckers blue pill red pill they took that shit right the right took that shit, right? The right took that shit. Now they mean, oh, you're red pill. You're, you're waking up. You're seeing what the world actually is. They don't even know what the shit means. It was for the left. So you Bogart it. It fine.

All good. And then they go and they make this fucking movie where Neo's in therapy and everything's about your feelings. He's creating a video game called Binary and the Matrix is just like, oh my God, dude. This is the worst movie I've ever seen and I hated it because I wanted to, wanted to like it. I wanted to love it, dude. But it's the worst movie

and I've seen Wonder Woman 84. That was the worst movie of today, Wonder Woman 84, and then this movie came out. Forget it, dude. Forget it. The whole movie's so gay every and I don't I mean gay everyone in it is is gay like agent smith is all that like he's wearing blue and pink and shit it's like what the fuck what what are you doing there's no guns

not that it's not gay to use not use, but dude, it's so badly acted. Even Keanu's bad in it. It's all weird as fuck. Anyway, I don't want to talk about the Matrix too much, but I did. But I just don't know what they did. Movies are fucking terrible now, man. And I'm still a fan of the Wachowski sisters. I fucking, well, only Lana did this one.

Maybe she needs the other one too oh and it's so funny too because people are so afraid to like i looked up the onlines that dude there's no way that anybody in the right mind thinks this movie's good and like you go to look at the reviews and everyone and people are like lauding it saying like oh it's so great because it's so meta and it's speaking to dude they're only scared to say it's bad because a fucking trans woman directed it it's so great because it's so meta and it's speaking to dude. They're only scared to say it's bad because a fucking trans woman directed it. It's so fucking, it's so, it's so ridiculous, dude. You see the worst shit out in Hollywood and they're just, people are scared. Like God forbid somebody would review an all black cast in a bad, you, you, they can't

do it no matter how bad that you can't. I'm saying the, the audience score fine, but the fucking critics, dude, they won't review an all-black cast or something directed by a trans woman they just won't review it fucking it's just unbelievable it's so fucking hilarious and i'm not saying that some of these don't deserve it they do but it's just so weird man everyone's so scared dude i watched that shang chi movie it was a piece of fucking garbage dude it was garbage and and i looked at the fucking critics it was a hundred percent everyone's so scared because of the stop asian hate shit dude it's garbage it's so bad bad at least 50 like maybe i don't like it because that's not for me but like a hundred percent

a hundred percent of critics liked it a hundred percent of critics liked it a hundred percent of critics they don't like fucking the godfather and this is how this is the greatest movie of all time it's so weird it's so weird and i will say dude you know the people even the users on rotten tomatoes like they're all fucking like 12 year olds and and and and there's them and and you know oh dude it's just so weird man i'm'm getting too serious. Didn't mean to get too serious. All good. But this is why I need to fucking speak at AlphaCon. Because I'm a serious motherfucker with TMJ disorder. Um.

My son is fucking hilarious dude. For some reason like he just. He just started saying, I did it. That's it. That's all he ever says now. I did it. It's the cutest fucking thing. He shoveled, I put it on Instagram.

He shoveled his fucking food under his tray. And like it went under his tray into where his seat was in the high chair. And he was, and he said, Aden,en aden that's what he does for all done aden and i said oh did you eat it all and he says i did it i said you ate it all i did it and then i fucking it's all in his chair but i don't even think he knows what he's saying because i walked in this morning when he when he woke up to go get him out of the bed out of his crib and hey, buddy, did you have a good sleep? And he said, I did it. And I'm like, it kind of makes sense.

But also, are you just saying the thing that you learned? I'll be like, are you hungry? And he'll be like, I did it. It's so fucking funny and so cute. He goes like this, off, off, off, off, off. And then he says, and he says, I bought a book. Because he wants to watch his eyes. He wants to read his eye spy book.

I bought a book. God, dude, he's never going to shut up, huh? I did it. Already starting to take credit for shit that he didn't even fucking do. Who's he, me? Who's he, me Who's he me? I did it Gorgeous boy I love him

He is so funny dude Boy he's doing smelly shit Just like his dad Um Yeah man Boy what got heated there i'm sweating but it's all good my jaw hurts you know thanks for being with me you guys 2022 greatest podcast of all time you guys know it i i ask you guys everyone, send it to somebody who, uh, hasn't heard the podcast yet. We need to grow this cult, dude. We really need to grow this cult because this is a cult, man.

And if you think that I will not get a log cabin in the goddamn metaverse, you're insane. I'm going to have a log cabin in the metaverse. We're all going to have our fucking avatars or whatever the hell you call it. We're going to be able to go there and share cabin in the metaverse. We're all going to have our fucking avatars or whatever the hell you call it. We're going to be able to go there and share ideas in the tall virtual grass. And I'm going to be able to do that. And I'm going to go and I'm going to chill there. I'm going to live there in the metaverse. And I'm going to do that in the metaverse and not in real life.

So whoever goes that secretly crazy can't stab me. If you want to stab me, you got to stab me in the metaverse. Right? Enemies can come stab me in the metaverse that's the thing about this it's going to be exclusive and uh you're going to be able to come if you're one of those fucking if you got one of those you know what dude anytime i see anything about an nft or a metaverse on instagram or anywhere on tiktok or in the news or anything i sincerely have a low-grade panic attack like i genuinely don't know what they're talking about. Dude, I saw this fucking thing.

Oh wait, I did it. He doesn't say I did it. He says, yeah, I did. That's what he says. Yeah, I did. My son says, yeah, I did. That's what he says. I said, do you have a good night's sleep?

Yeah, I did. And then I say, did you eat all your things? Yeah, I did. That's what it is. Not yet. I knew it was funnier than that. Yeah, I did. Wow.

Fucked it all up. Told the wrong story on my podcast. Yes, dude. Forgot it already. And it's fucking the love of my life from my son. Yeah, I did. I knew it was funnier than that. Yeah, I did. Wow, I fucked it all up. Told the wrong story on my podcast. Yes, dude! Forgot it already and it's fucking the love of my life from my son. Ah, yes! But yeah, anytime I see a metaverse thing, I get like, dude, the shit that this fucking metaverse, like, look at what this

let me see if I can find it. Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah i did that's so cute dude like look at what these things do like what they say like look at this just look at this title dude i follow hype beast on inst on instagram and this is the thing that it says on the picture okay first of all it says another it says another bored ape, mega mutant serum sold for $3.6 million. Okay. So first of all, what does it mean? Okay. Uh, just for the third word in, what does it mean? Another bored ape. What does it mean? Mega mutant serum. What does it mean? Sold for $3.6 million. What does it mean? Okay.

Cause you know, there's no mega mutant serum in real life. So what does it mean? Right? Is it an NFT? Is it in the metaverse? Whatever. So we read the fucking thing. And this was what it says. Another board, ape yacht club, mega mutant serum has sold for 999 ETH, which is 3.6 million USD. What does it mean? What does it mean? What does it mean? What does it mean? The purchase was made by current mega mutant holder. Oh, XB one. Oh, what does it mean?

Okay. Who has an estimated net worth or more 450 million USD. Okay, fine. I know what that means. This purchase follows the recent eight, eight, eight,

that eight, eight, eight ETH mega mutant serum sale by Ethereum co-founder. Ah, what does it mean? What does it mean? What does it mean? What does it mean? Okay.

So what does all this shit mean? I mean, dude, look at this shit. Look at this. The 10th, and there's another thing by Hypebeast, the 10th Mega Mutant Ape has by hypebeast, the 10th mega mutant ape has been unveiled. Ethereum co-founder Taylor Gehring just applied his mega mutant serum. I have a full,

I have like a fucking low gray paddock attack for this shit. What am I missing out on? Like what's happening? Okay. Uh, just applied his co-founder just applied his Mega Mutant Serum, which he purchased for 888 ETH, roughly 3.6 million yesterday. The Mega Mutant Serum is part of the Bored Ape Chemistry Club, which consists of 10,000 mutant serums that were given to all Bored Ape Yacht Club. broken up into three tiers called M1, M2, and Mega Mutant, can then transform existing apes into mutant versions of themselves and are burned upon use. There are three more Mega Mutant serums left and have already received a bit of 999 ETH. Dude, what these...

It says Mega Mutant can transform existing apes into mutant. Dude, what do you mean existing? They don't exist i need to get digital real estate dude i'm getting real i'm getting real estate i'm getting a log cabin i'm talking to the fucking nft creator i already talked to the fucking guy i'm getting i'm getting actual i'm getting a log cabin i got his number i'm texting him right now for real i gotta send him my number actually because I already been texting him but then he said he

here we go here's my number sending him his number right now here we go cool yeah I did yeah I did anyway dude fuck this god damn NFT shit dude I gotta get on this shit Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. Anyway, dude.

Fuck this goddamn NFT shit, dude. I got to get on this shit. What else, dude? I wanted to talk about this. I saw this movie Fat Man, the Christmas movie with Mel Gibson. It's so good, dude. It's so funny. It's so good and it's so funny, man.

And that's it. It's a drama and they do it like a drama. It's about a kid that wants to fucking kill santa so he puts out a hit on santa for giving him coal and it sounds like a comedy and i guess technically it is but it's so real and it's they do it so real and it's funny as shit dude um and that's it that's all i wanted to say about that um uh sorry guys my son woke up i had to get him uh we cut for a second, but it'll seem like no time for you, which actually leads me to this. I forgot to even talk about this, but Oxnard I'll be, uh, at Oxnard, California doing the Chris D'Elia and friends stand up shows.

Um, at, uh, Oxnard, uh, at the Oxnard improv, you can go and get tickets. It's in, it's in California. It's like an hour at LA, actually not even, but even. But you can go get tickets at crystalia.com. I'm just starting to get back out there on the road and go before it sells out. Unless it already is. I actually have no idea. But yeah, so that's that.

Look forward to seeing you there. Fuck this Omicron shit. You know what I mean? I'm going to do this good vibe segment, which is cute as shit. I do going to do this good vibe segment, which is cute as shit. I do this new segment called good vibe segment. This autistic boy's reaction to his Christmas present. This kid likes loud shit.

When your brother who is autistic loves anything loud and gets a homemade train horn gun for Christmas. Wow, that family's going to regret that. He's so happy, dude. Jumping up and down because of the train horn. They say do it outside. They don't want to do it inside because, of course, it's going to be so loud. He's so happy, Jesus Christ. Wow.

Oh my god. Okay, the dad did it. Now he's doing it. They said one time. Wow. Dude, and he obeyed. Ten minutes later and he's still laughing, dude. That was so loud.

Wow, I wish I liked something this much. This is awesome, dude. God, Christmas is awesome. Fucking awesome if you're autistic. Do you just get a loud thing? Fuck, man. God, how... By the way, how fucking annoyed is that family?

The neighbors are going to be so annoyed. Wow, I can't even keep this a fucking good vibe segment. It was beautiful that it happened and it is beautiful. And I love that boy. And I love that family for doing that and treating it fucking well. It was so nice. But by God damn, that motherfucking neighbors, the kid's going to be outside just, yuck, yuck.

People are going to be like, I don't live near a train. God damn it. Just jumping up and down in the fucking street. Yuck, yuck. An autistic boy just with a train horn. God damn it Just jumping up and down In the fucking street An autistic boy just with a train horn God damn Although he obeyed with the one time They said one time he did it one time He said that was awesome and then ran inside

And was fucking laughing about how loud it was Man if I could fucking Calvin already is doing shit Disobeying Calvin is already doing stuff. He's lying to my face about, did you eat? Did you finish eating? It's down his pants.

Yeah, I did. Smuggling fucking potatoes. Let's do some Miss Connections, babies. Love these Miss Connections. Well, guys, it's time for the next segment, Miss Connections. Where'd you go? Looking for my straight buddy. Silmar, all of them are the next segment, Misconnections. Where'd you go? Looking for my straight buddy. Silmar.

All of them are in Silmar. Santa Clarita. I'm looking for my chill straight bro. So right down to it. We'd hang out and have fun once in a while. Wow. He had a nice package for me to open. Are you down to meet up?

Wow. Unreal. I'm looking for my chill straight bro hey guy you're not straight what is this fucking thing that like some gay guys i guess don't want to admit that they're gay and they're just straight and they're like yeah i'm straight but like i'll i'll jerk you or some shit it's like yeah just so you know i'm straight but i'll suck you but i don't want it but i'll suck you hey hey you're gay it's all good you're gay what world do we am i offending anyone by the way we probably live in 2022 at probably the time where you can be straight and also do gay shit, but still identify as straight.

You identify as straight, but I suck cock. And people will still be like, no, if that's what he identifies as, then he's straight. They're like, but I saw him sucking cock. He's sucking cock. He's sucking your cock right now. Well, if that's what he's, that's what just what gays are, are banning together because they're just getting more BJs out of it. No, look, if he's straight, then he's straight.

Now suck me off. Ah, there we go. Great. Good. There we go. Okay. But I'm straight. Yes.

No, I know. If you identify as straight, that's good. About to come all in your mouth. And there we go. Good, straight guy, good. Go play football. Gay guys are just saying this to trick us. I'm not falling for it, dude. I'm sucking off. No guys.

Hey, wait a minute. Imagine having a cock in your mouth and being like, Wait a minute. Did you just splurt down my throat? Hold on one goofy second you know wait a second just jerking I'm straight I know okay wait a minute splurge wait a second splurge hold on a second wait aurt all. Hold on a second. Wait a minute. Ropes in your face. One goofy second.

Jerking off two guys in the back of a taxi cab. Okay, just so you know, I'm straight. Really? Yeah. Wait a second. Multiple fucking different, from different sides. Ropes, ropes in your face from different sides. Hold on one goofy second.

Ropes down your throat. ropes in your face from different sides? Hold on one goofy second, ropes down your throat. Like, how are these gays getting away with tricking us that we're fucking straight when we're taking ropes in the face, dude? You're taking ropes in the face,

you gay! One rope! Two ropes! God damn! one rope two ropes god damn sure you are buddy ropes ropes ropes it's like get out of here man fucking goofy barbells all in your face you know those fucking swivel ones that those goofy fucking barbells you ever smash those goofy barbells out of your fucking bottom nose oh dude those fucking goofy barbells just whipping around ropes in your face goofy barbells in your face dude

just fuck yeah dude um yeah how did they do that how did they do that that was like when black people took the n-word and started using it themselves how did gays do that they convinced us that we're straight but gay wow i mean i've never done it but you know what i'm saying um god man we'd have looking for my straight because that's the thing dude gays want to be like they want some sneaky

shit over it's like yeah you're still straight gotcha that's what turns them on about it right that's what turns them on about it yeah no no worries you're still straight and in in their fucking gay mind they're like this is my kink. I tricked you, goofy barbell. Goofy, goofy roped barbell in your face.

Wow, dude. I'm being funny. Here's another one. Uber driver from Guatemala who plays violin. Specific. Ah, specific. An evil villain. An evil fucking villain. I mean, an Uber driver from, that would be like in fucking Hollywood.

It's like, and who's the bad guy? Well, he's an Uber driver from Guatemala who plays a violin and he's looking for one of the Avengers. I like it. I like it. People at Amblin. I like it. I like it. People at Amblin. I like it. I like it. People at Castle Rock Entertainment. Okay, I'm on board.

If your name starts with a J and you also play the violin, eh, sir, weird, specific kink. I'd like to talk to you. I'm sorry I jumped out the car so quickly. I was late to work. Wow, unreal, dude. I'd like to talk to quickly. I was late to work. Wow, unreal, dude. I'd like to talk to you.

I was late for work. I'd like to shoot some goofy barbells in your face. Here's another one. God damn it, dude. We got to get to the metaverse. Asian studies teacher. I miss door open waiting downward on the couch for Robert. It didn't have to say Asian studies teacher.

It's apparent that you have problems speaking English and you're Asian with this body. I miss door open waiting downward on the couch for Robert. Also, worst Asian studies teacher that he's fucking trying to put him face down. You know? Hi, would you like to learn English? Oh, step one, face down, about to shoot some goofy barbells on your back. Here's another one. Me banjo player, you cute caveman.

What's up with the fucking instruments in this one, dude? They play fucking violin or banjo? This is another Batman villain? Hi, I was playing banjo outside of the grocery store and when... By the way, this guy's the most annoying. Who's playing banjo outside of a... You better been working for, what do you call it? Salvation Army

and dressed as Santa. And dressed as Mexican Santa. Dressed as Ecuadorian Santa. Otherwise, I'm pissed. Hi, I was playing banjo outside of the grocery store and when I saw you, we spoke just a lil. L-I-L. I wished I asked you what your name was.

I believe you has a yellow sweater on with blonde hair. Live to love. Thanks for reading. Wow, yellow sweater with blonde hair this guy's really pushing it huh guy playing imagine seeing outside of a fucking grocery store

a guy playing a banjo talking to a guy with a yellow sweater and blonde hair I would immediately fucking jump off a building that's too much for my for me to take ANR here's another one I miss you in many ways when we connect it's total silence and bliss please share and nurture huh please share and nurture i miss you in many ways when we connect it's total silence and bliss well

you don't miss them in the talking ways you want them to fucking keep oh it's an adult nursing relationship what the fucking like that's their nurse like they're an old person or like you is that a sexual kink thing dude i need to get i need to get in i need to learn what the kinks are a little bit more i have no ideas what i have no idea it's a kink okay adult nursing relationship let's look what it is adult nursing wow my google history is going to be fucked up relation wow it doesn't pop up even on google which means that wow dude it's really here we go adult nursing relation inside the oh inside the misunderstood world of adult bread breastfeeding wow look at the things that people also ask.

Can I breastfeed my husband without being pregnant? Can you breastfeed a grown man? Is it okay for adults to drink breast milk? You died early, if that's your kink. Inside the misunderstood world of adult breastfeeding. Wow, this is from Rolling Stone. Look at the art that is just a fucking husband holding the wife up while he's breastfeeding her. Editor's note, I love this. Some names in this story have been changed at the request of the interview subjects. Yeah, no shit, man. Nobody wants to be, hi, I'm an adult. I love sucking on tits for milk.

Ellie and Garrett have been together for six years. They have a clear affection for each other, touching each other gently on the shoulder when one says something to the other, says something to the other, appreciates and often looking at each other lovingly throughout conversation. Their respect and adoration for one another comes through even over a Skype call

from their home in Queensland, Australia. Yeah, adults suck titties for milk in Queensland, Australia. Their home happens. Why am I getting an ad here? Their home happens. Their home appears cozy and comfortable in Gary. They also engage in what they call feeding. Wow, that's some alien shit.

Kind of hot. If they love it. If they love they love it it's hot you know what i mean with this ad dude get out of here with this fucking ad um 55 and 57 in what's known as an adult nursing relationship or an adult breastfeeding relationship these arrangement these arrangements are exactly what they sound like. One partner produces milk to share with the other through breastfeeding. How do you breastfeed if you're 57? For many, there's a sexual aspect to the nursing part of the relationship, but adult nursing relationships are not strictly sexual. On the one social media site, FetLife, sounds kinky, which serves people interested in BDSM and kink, a few thousand users discuss how they simply enjoy the act of suckling. By the way, dude, can't we just use the word sucking? Suckling is is like why did you add an l to it it basically means the same thing

let's just use suckling let's just use sucking suckling is gross as shit are you into dick sucking well dick suckling enjoy the act of suckling or exchanging milk while cuddling. Ew, dude, the way they, it's so clinical. Or watching TV on some nights. God, imagine watching fucking Homeland and you're just like, you mind if I pop down and get some milk, sweetie? Do you mind if I start some suckling while you watch Jack Bauer try to save the world?

The dynamics of these relationships can be incredibly varied, and they are not limited to heterosexual pairings. There are many women who enjoy the act of suckling a partner too. Well, one thing's for sure, two dudes can't do it. Unless you're doing it from your cock. Hi, I'd like to suckling milk from your cock. Yeah? Yeah. I'd like to do some suckling on your cock. Okay. I'm straight by the way. Sure. You are a buddy. Let's do it in your, in your gay mind.

Yeah. Yeah. Get those goofy barbells out. Um, wow, man, let me tell you something right now uh what do you call it fucking craigslist is off the fucking chain here's another one mele kalikimaka up the road a bit okay the most hawaiian fucking sounding shit of all time mele kalikimaka uh merry christmas to the girl who i'm whom i've compared all others for what seems like forever now. Not a sentence. Of everything I've lost in my life, losing you was the longest lasting and most impactful thing. Don't get in touch. I'd be too nervous.

Don't get in touch. I'd be too nervous. Just smile for me, please. Wow. So trying to take back the control in his own way but also needs to go to beta con for real dude because that is sad as shit this guy's the fucking lead guy and take me home tonight hope for grace and take me home tonight for where he's like such a bitch but he's like yeah i was too nervous to ever talk to you now that i'm adult i'm still kind of too nervous to

ever talk to you if you've ever seen that movie that's what this guy is tougher grace and take me home tonight who with that chick in the fucking movie take me home tonight who isn't the girl from twilight yeah okay she's basically just i can't believe it that girl what's her name in the fucking take me home tonight take me home tonight movie movie cast who is this chick and how is she not teresa palmer how is she not the girl from twilight she's hot girl hot version of girl from twilight teresa palmer she really is so hot and then she's also is it kristin stewart stewart yeah she's her only the hotter version sorry for saying that if i'm if that's dick um anyway dude i'm done thank you so much you guys are amazing uh and remember Sorry for saying that if that's dick.

Anyway, dude, I'm done. Thank you so much. You guys are amazing. And remember, go to my website, chrislea.com for tour dates and Oxnard. You can go get those tickets and keep up wearing those merches at other people's shows. I see you guys when you repost the stuff at different people's shows. All the other comedians, you wear those motherfuckers and you represent the cult. We got to get in that metaverse, dude, and build that virtual log cabin.

Never realized that the log cabin was always supposed to be virtual, my babies. But we're going to share ideas and that's that. Hey, guys, that's the podcast for today on YouTube. If you want to get the rest of the podcast uncut with no ads or commercials, go to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia, support the show. You get multiple episodes that are not available to the public on our Patreon. I think there's like 12 there now. And every month we have a new one. It's $6 a month. I do another segment called Review Mode, which I review different things.

Anyway, it supports us. It supports the podcast. It keeps the podcast going, and we're able to do this. And that's that. So thanks very much, patreon.com slash chrisdalia. Have a good one. Oh shit, fucker! Congratulations! Oh shit, fucker! Congratulations! Oh shit, fucker! Congratulations! Congratulations!

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Congratulations! P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P.