Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 230. Friends With The Enemy

Episode Date: January 12, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 🛎 Thank you: ShipStation: https://shipstation.com - use code CONGRATS In this week's episode Chris discusses the problem with traditions and the British Royal Guard, the greatness of Boardwalk Empire, and the greatest tweet ever written by none other than Richard Karn aka Al Borland. Plus more Missed Connections! 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. What's up, my babies? And welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. What's up my babies and welcome to another episode of congratulations It's amazing how completely still I stay when I do that you guys probably think it's still screen, but it's not it's me Just fucking freezing dude

Speaking of freezing I'm cold right now we had the air conditioner blasting uh completely blasting in here so we could keep it cool for a freaking hour and we're gonna do that dude um i i let's well let's just get this out of the way you can go to chris leah.com get that merch we've got new life rips colorways and that's the shit that keeps on giving i keep thinking i'm gonna retire that phrase i I'm going to retire that shit. And then the public, the babies, the people who want to enter the log cabin, they speak for themselves and they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We actually want it because it's fire gear.

So crystalia.com. If you want to go ahead and support the show, it's great. Patreon.com slash crystalia. I appreciate everyone on my Patreon so much, man. It helps us keep in the show going because you know, wouldn't do the show if it weren't for bags. And that's my PSA, right? Unless I'm, if I'm not collecting racks, I'm not doing the show. You understand?

Um, I would still be talking by myself, but I wouldn't be filming it and I wouldn't be putting it on YouTube. So we love, we love you on the Patreon. You can get, uh, on my discord and all that shit. Uh, and that's it, you know, and that's it. It's new year. It's been new year for a little bit. And, uh, went into the coffee bean and tea leaf and I went to go get a coffee today. You know how I do it. I get the four shots over, I over ice cause I keep it absolutely raw and delicious. I get the four shots over ice because I keep it absolutely raw and delicious. And I was keeping it raw and delicious in there.

And I was waiting in line. It was about five people in the coffee bean and tea leaf. Your boy's over Omicron. So he knows he's got nothing to worry about. But I still got my mask on because everyone else doesn't know that they got nothing to worry about. And here's the kind of guy I am. Here's the kind of person I am. Okay. I had the mask of person I am. Okay. I had the mask on. I had to sneeze. So what did I do? I lowered myself all the way down,

very close to the ground in the corner. I put my face as far as I could squatting into the corner, took my shirt up over my mask. So now I've got my mask on. I've got another layer of cloth and I'm aiming it directionally into the fucking corner on the ground. And I'm doing that. And I go at you and it feels like my eyeballs are going to pop out. That's how hard I sneeze. But I tried to keep it nice for everybody because here's the thing. I don't give a fuck. I don't care.

I know I'm good. I know I'm good with Omicron. I know I've had, I know I can't get it, dude. I'm practically the healthiest dude on I know I've had, I know I can't get it, dude. I'm practically the healthiest dude on the planet at this point. Okay. I mean, I'm a guy who now has had Omicron, who's over Omicron that now gets his, his meals delivered. I mean, I'm healthy, dude. I'm never talking about Postmates anymore. I leveled up, dude. I got a guy named Chef Mike. Chef Mike, he makes my shit, brings it here.

I heat it up. I'm eating shit like salmon, dude. So I'm healthy as fuck. Okay? Your boy goes, this is me looking at pizza. Bye-bye. This is me looking at burgers. I'll catch you maybe once a week.

I mean, burgers are practically my mom at this point. I you maybe once a week i mean burgers are practically my mom at this point i see them once a week see you later okay but i'm the healthiest motherfucker but why do i do that why do i go and dip out into the fucking bottom corner of coffee bean with two with cloth over me and a mask over me if i need to sneeze why do i do that because if i run outside i'm a bitch and i lose my place in line. But I'm working with people, dude. I work with people. And I don't know how cuck everyone is in that place. I don't know how liberal everyone is in that area. But I'm easy going, dude. So I did that for everyone else. So if you were in that coffee bean

and you saw me duck down and do a crazy sneeze, it wasn't for me, it was for you. And if you didn't think I needed to do that, then that's fine, but I did it for you anyway. And I wanted to get that out of the way because I felt a little bit cucked doing it. I'm going to be in Oxnard, California. What do you call it?

In the 14th and 15th and 16th, you got tickets at crystalia.com and go to crystalia.com. I'm going to be in San Diego two weeks after that, I think. I've got to put that on my website. It'll be on my website by the time this episode comes out.

But I'm going to be playing The Laugh Factory in San Diego down there. Love The Laugh Factory. And yeah. So it's been new years for what now two weeks one week two weeks two weeks and um i came out i play i was playing video games by the way i'll get into it because i love the fucking video i'm been really getting into this video game but i was playing video games on my twitch actually i don't even think i was on twitch your boy was off twitch playing video games so that's

how you know he's a gamer at this point i didn't even have headphones on i was just flailing around being spider-man by my lonesome calvin would come in i'd be like who's that he'd be like my mom man that's what he says for spider-man and then he he'd walk out. He'd get bored and walk out. And I'm doing all sorts. I get fucking nice with the swings. I get fucking fancy with it. You know, I'm just in between building just like, just it's like butter, dude. It's like in between toast, dude. I'm going really nice.

I hit triangle. I do flips, man. I rotate. I get my XP skyrocketing, dude. Right. I'm swinging under bad dude's leg, coming him out and from the other side and just fucking throwing webs in their faces, dude. But that's just the kind of fucking playing I do. And I get real nice with it when I'm in the zone, you know?

And I'm doing that. And all of a sudden I hear fucking the worst. And I'm not even going to explain who it was or anything more than this. But the worst song from Nashville period. And that means what it means. Okay. That's what I hear outside the worst, the outside of the room, the worst song from Nashville period, probably somebody named chase sings it. Do you know what I mean? Every ninth country star is chase somebody with a fucking some kind of pussy beard and oh for sure either a flannel or an army green button down and he's just rocking out

a good old boy just rocking out and I'm like what is this shit it's new year's eve I walk out and I look and it's him whoever a chase guy is is probably. And then another chick who's, who's just singing with them. And I'm just like, what is this? And Kristen says, oh, it's the new year's Eve thing. We're watching it because it's new year's Eve. So my question then is why is it new year's Eve programming? So fucking terrible. Okay. You go to channel four, you go to channel seven, you go to channel four you go to channel seven

you go to channel 11 whatever channel you've got some cuck in a suit well let's check in they're always checking in with somebody like like they're that doesn't do news don't ever check in with fucking katie perry you don't have to check in with smoky fucking robinson check in with only a news guy well let's check in and see let's check in on over to fucking let's go see what check let's go check in let's go check in. Let's go check in to Smokey Robinson. We're going to check in with Usher. Let's check in with a guy who's got a new hot single. He's got a green.

He's got an army button down. His name is Chase Country Boy. Let's check in. Hey, y'all, it's Chase Country Boy. We're out here. 2021 was a tough one. let's move on to 2022 i'm in the back of my car right country songs get so goddamn specific because when we were in the back of my car in the back seat at the fucking back of target parking lot we're eating barbecue

and the grits is on your thing, and you fell and fucking slipped in the puddle, and then we just fucking looked at each other. Dude, it's so goddamn specific. Hey, guy, make it vaguer. Hey, Chase, use innuendos. Country music is just, and my hat was crooked in the fucking back of the bar

and the boots is clanking in the using innuendo right my old t-shirt how many fuck it's just dude and my old you remind me of my old t-shirt how many fuck it's just do it and my old you remind me of my old t-shirt in the back of the can't help themselves can't fucking help them and we slipped in the puddle and we laughed and times were better and we're watching this fucking goddamn thing and we change it to channel 7. And hi, it's Ryan Seacrest. I have the worst job alive, Ryan Seacrest. I'm here.

I'm 4'8". And I would like you to know that here we are catching up. We're catching up and we're checking in. That's what we're doing. We're catching up and checking in. And you recognize me from hamberican idol that's what he says every time he says american idol you tell me he says american instead of hamberican and i'll suck your dick how about that if you don't have one go get one i'll suck it

straight up he says hamber Idol. And that's that. I'm Ryan Seacrest. We're here. We're about to check in with fucking, you know, we're about to check in with Smokey Robinson. Hey, what's up, man? It's Smokey Robinson. Hey, we're here. We're freezing.

I took us off. I know. Dude, New Year's Eve programming sucks. It sucks. It sucks so bad. And then people would be like, Dave, what was the guy's Dave Clark? Was that his name? Clark, Dick Clark, that fucking name, you know, Dick Clark.

And then it's, how about this? It sucked then too. We just didn't have the internet. We just evolved. It just sucked. Dude, watching that shit. And she was like, but it gets into the spirit. And every channel you change, it's a louder Chase Country Boy just fucking, and the back of the bar.

It started out on channel two. And I was slipping puddle, and we were back in the bar, and my hat was crooked, and you remind me of my old T-shirt. Turn to channel four. And we're slipping the bar, and I'm back in the T-shirt, and you remind me of this vest that I used to wire. A different Chase. Oh, turn on channel four and we're slipping the bar on the back of the t-shirt and you remind me of this vest that i used to wire a different chase i'll turn on channel seven and you remind me of the valkyrie and the hat that's crooked and the slip in the back of the castle oil

hi we're here checking in with all the chases it was so it's so bad dude new year's eve new year's eve is fucking so amateur dude and people go out and they're just standing like this in the goddamn time square just saying just looking up hurting their fucking cocksucking necks looking at goddamn mariah carey or some shit or fucking Jason Derulo or fucking, oh, look, it's that. Oh, you can't stay home. We got TV. Stay the fuck home. It's easier.

Hi, I'm Ryan Seacrest. The only job worse than mine is hooker. The only job worse than hi, I'm Ryan Se seacrest the only job where all i do is say what people tell me to say that's all i do i just say what everyone tells me to say my job is the worst unless you're a hooker that only does anal we're gonna check in with Katy Perry. Just unreal, dude. I really drill these jokes to the ground, but that's what we do. I don't give a fuck, dude.

And then they'll do and it'll be like not throw. It'll be like 10, nine. And I'm always, always just in my head. Hurry up. I don't I want the seconds to go fast. It's so, I have so much anxiety, dude. Watching the ball drop. How are, dude, this is practically caveman shit. We're evolved past this. We need to, we're sitting there watching a ball drop. Like it's 1987. Like there's no fucking Oculus VR shit going. And we're just nine, eight.

And my girl and fucking, we had two, three people over. And they were, we were just whole, everyone's holding each. Dude, I don't want to be touching anyone in the new year. I want to be, dude, my dream, honestly. And my, and nobody's ever let me get away with this. Cause I've always had a girlfriend on new year's Eve. My dream, my dream, honestly, and nobody's ever let me get away with this because I've always had a girlfriend on New Year's Eve. My dream, my dream, and I mean this, is to fucking 1045 at 1045 p.m. to just start driving. Just, you know where?

You know where? Ask me where. So you be in your car right now or your cubicle or wherever you are and you're listening to me, right? me, right? This is Chris D'Elia and let's have a conversation. Let's have an actual conversation. Hey guy, listen to me. I want you to say out loud, where are you going? Where are you going to go at 1040? Where are you going to start driving at 1045? I'll give you time to say that. So go ahead, say that. And then I'll answer it. So here we go. Go ahead. Say that. I don't know. That's my answer, dude.

That's my answer. I don't know. Eh. Out. Around. And guess where I go? I go where the lights get dimmer. The lights get smaller.

I'm out in the middle of nowhere. By fucking 1145. I drive an hour and 15 minutes, dude. I'm far away from everything. I can't even get a signal. And maybe I'm a motherfucker. Maybe I start at fucking nine 15. I go far. I go way past bar barstow. I'm in fucking Lubbock. Like I'm past that motherfucker. You know, I start, maybe I started six, dude. I could be in Arizona or fucking Spokane. You don't have any idea. Never said Spokane in this whole podcast. Said it twice in this episode.

And yeah, dude. And then I get, and then I try to listen. I try to listen for the countdown and I can't hear it, dude. I can't hear it. And I don't look at my watch and I don't look at my phone. And I just guess, I guess when the new year happens and I'm touching nobody and there's no animals around me. Maybe there's a bug where I got to go like that with, and that's it, dude. That's my dream. And then I guess when I can

maybe drive back. I don't want to know we're past this shit, bro. I've evolved, man. I've evolved man I've evolved past New Year's Eve Get me Neuralink Um Cause the other Thing is what What are you around people You love like a pussy You know what I mean

Five four Three are you one of those guys Dude are you one of those guys? Dude, are you one of those guys? Four, three. Are you one of those guys? Just getting louder and louder. Do you start too loud sometimes? And then you got to go back down, right? Like the goal is to do 10, nine, you start soft enough, but people get nuts and they get fucking too excited 10, don't start there You're fucked by 5

Right? You gotta go 10, 9, 8 7 6 5 4 You're gonna start off the new year like a fucking you can't you don't know your octaves that's how the year's gonna go for you start low end with what happy to

those fucking things with the fucking these things that, oh, we haven't evolved past that. Dude. Ryan Seacrest is a fucking one of these things. He's the human form of the fucking, I don't even know what that is. It's a noisemaker of course, but I don't know what it is specifically. And I will never know. And you buy those in packs and people buy them in packs, dude. They buy buy they'll buy like a 12 pack of fucking fuck all that dude no no and i'm not a curmudgeon dude and i get it i know i know the older i get

you're like well that's the old guy but it's that's who i've been bro that's who i've been people are like you're a young larry david with the how you're bitching at everyone no way dude i'm the motherfucking i'm i'm larry david if he puts the mask on dude uh smoking that's me man i'm the Hulk. Bro. But not with the Avengers, dude. The Avengers are all screaming out, five, four, you got Iron Man. Two.

Hulk, the lonely Hulk, dude. Outside of Lubbock Guessing when the ball drops Feeling when the new year happens Dude I'm gonna tell you right now y'all are some bitches If you do the countdown period I'll never do the countdown You don't tell me when to countdown

Anyway dude That's what's up. That's what I've been trying to fucking get at this whole time that I've been alive. And I figured it out. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws. Like Hit of the Month. So you get the best deals and low prices on amazing products every month. And did you know PC Optimum members save more?

For exclusive offers and members-only pricing, just scan and save. And don't forget in-stock promise, where you can count on great offers being in stock or get a rain check. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store for details. So that's great. Dude, how about Richard Karn and the tweet of the century?

And I know Twitter's only been around since 2009, but the tweet of the century. But the tweet of the century, Richard Karn was the guy who had the TV show in the TV show Home Improvement, which is so fucking awesome to be famous that way. To be famous as a guy who's a famous guy who has a TV show about making homes, is amazing. That's who he is. Maybe he's been in other things. I have no idea. But he's the guy from Home Improvement that was buddies with Tim Allen. And he was great in Home Improvement. And he's got a great face.

He has a Twitter because he's somebody. and he's got a great face. He has a Twitter because he's somebody. And the dude put out a tweet so, so hot. I mean, this tweet is so hot. It's the tweet of the century. It's so hot that Satan goes, can you turn on the air conditioning?

Like, it's so hot. It's so hot that Beelzebub is like, I got to maybe move. This is getting old. Right? Right? I mean, this is what he says in the tweet. Bro, this is the most fucking, when I saw this shit. When I saw this shit, I honestly sat down. I was standing up.

I saw this and I sat down. I'm going to tell you what it is, okay? He writes, this is the tweet of the goddamn century, dude. You should hope to do Twitter like this. He writes, I've thought long and hard about.

He wrote, I've thought long and hard about... He wrote, I've thought long and hard about NFTs and I've decided it's not something I need to do. And then he put prayer hands and a hearts emoji and leveled it up with a picture of him sitting in a booth. Dude, how do you get so boss? How do you get so ceo the guy goes like this tony soprano move over the guy in one tweet

goes like this lucky luciano excuse, in one fucking tweet, dude. He goes, Nucky Thompson, can I sit there? Excuse me, Al Capone, didn't see you there. He's the boss now. He goes, hey, Springsteen, can I strum a little bit? This guy is the most angst. He goes, easy who? Doctor who?

N-W-Y? That's the most boss gangster tweet, dude. And he got a rolex on and his sleeves are rolled up and he's got wood paneling behind them course and the thomas kinkade painting up is that the guy's name who cares you know what i'm talking about it's a lot of green in it dude the guy's killing it who took the pic he's got the nicest teeth. Dude, I cannot fucking believe he wrote, I've thought long and hard about NFTs and I've decided it's not something I need to do. To even say that out.

You know what? To even have a brain that constructs that sentence inside of you. Would make Tony Soprano go, oh, and move over a little bit. But the guy not only constructed it in his brain, he didn't even say it out loud, which would have been enough for Lucky Luciano to skim, to richard karn skim a little off the top right just just saying it would have let al capone be like well this guy is actually one of the guys that we might have to deal with someday right to just to just say but this guy not only wrote it down which which maybe would have let which maybe would have made nucky thompson sweat right if he walked in the door but this guy tweeted it for the world to see and not only that

posted it with a picture of him with some wood paneling behind it now that is the most motherfucking gangster shit and when i tell you i strive to be a motherfucker like this dude when i tell you you think that this podcast is jokes yes what i'm describing is always in a funny way but this motherfucking shit is serious i strive to be somebody like this i know and the motherfuckers are out here trying to deal with the coronavirus and there's this shit going on dude i swear to god this should be the number one fucking thing on time magazine dude enough of this omicron delta bullshit man this dude's sitting pretty thinking expressing how he's not gonna not like long and hard you know about nfts wow that's some gangster ass shit dude you got a fan now bro i

gotta follow him on instagram i don't do twitter but jason derulo got in a huge got in a fight. He threw his hands, man. Loses it in Vegas. Fights guys who call him Usher. It's funny to fight somebody because they call you someone who's more successful. Like, you know, I get it if they were calling him Screech from Saved by the Bell. Or fucking, you know it's not like they're calling him fucking uh who's the b2k guy god what a terrible name for a group b2k you know b2k such a flash in the pan that's like calling them the fucking razor scooters. That's the most passe shit now.

B2K. So Richard Karn is the boss. And then Jason Derulo got in a fight. Let these people get the best of them. We got it right here. It's on TMZ, which is is of course tmz is always fucking finding me at coffee shops and shit with the cameras in my face hey chris delia so what do you think about this and i'm like hey you guys tried to bury me what's going on i ain't got no

i ain't got no motherfucking friends um so this is what happened Let's watch this video That's so annoying Wow called him Usher Called him Usher and went berserk Wow wow he came through hard. He's like a juggernaut. You think this is honestly because he's still mad at cats? Wow, he fucking really...

He knocks him hard, too. Wow, that's great. That guy, all tough, so far away. Oh, he fucking hit him hard, dude. Dude, don't fuck with dancers man for real they can fucking if they can skate around a fucking wood floor with no uh skates on they can move around like that with no rollerblades man you don't want to tussle with them for real but that would be that's like crazy to be some somebody who's more successful to be that mad

must have been something else going on he must still have some cat stuff going for real like why do the movie get what if what if when he threw the punch you heard very quietly why don't make me do the movie cats unreal oh i fucking forgot to eat this i wanted to try do it it's our first taste test here at uh congratulations i talked about uh on one of the um i think it was one of the patreon episodes i talked about um dj khaled and how he's doing a, another wing. Um, what do you call it?

Another wing, uh, food for, for partnering with Postmates. And it's just a delivery thing. Cool. There's a hair on it. Great. Um, and, um, he'd, uh, you know what? That's something I don't give a fuck about. This is honestly, I'm telling you the truth.

The second hair I've gotten in a meal today. I don't care. I take it. I pull it off. I don't, sometimes they go in my mouth. You know, how often you get hair in your mouth? A lot. I do a't care. I take it. I pull it off. Sometimes they go in my mouth. You know, how often do you get hair in your mouth? A lot. I do a lot, honestly, because it's always in the food.

You know, if you're eating out and doing this shit, I get it in and I just use it. I take it out. I peel it out and I try to get it in between my teeth to floss it. I don't give a shit. It's hair, dude. I ain't no pussy. I'm no mark-ass bitch when it comes to that. So we got two of these, another wings because I wanted to try them.

Now, I'm not a wing guy, okay? And I'm going to be honest with this shit, all right? But this is DJ Khaled's another wing. I'm going to try it for you guys. You can get this on Postmates. And I'm not, this is not, I'm not, well, I don't know. Maybe this will be horrible, but I'm not trying to be like, you know, I'm not endorsing shit.

That's a boneless one. That one's really good. You didn't like it? Oh, the boneless one is ridiculously good. Okay. Let's watch it. Watch it down. And then this one is the one with the bone in it. No.

The boneless one is good. Wow. We have complete one fire like the other one. Wow, that one's spicy, huh? The bone, the one with the bone in it. I like that. I like shit with a little kick in it. I like when it gets you right here. I like it when it gets you here.

When it gets you right here. I like it when it gets you here. When it gets you right here. But that's it, dude. Nothing a little bit of four shots of Americano can take care of. Yeah, that was actually... That boneless one's good. He didn't like it, but whatever, dude. You gotta eat this shit sometimes, no matter what the liver king says

the liver king eats fucking legitimately he ate a pine cone did you see him he ate a pine cone he ate a pine cone hey guy you're gonna die early and that's fine uh you did it to yourself why does he do shit like this though this is a post he did a day ago the liver king King on Instagram. I talked about it in my last episode. Anyone who knows liver King knows that I don't stop until a job is done. Yeah. Okay. Sure. You ate a pine cone, you know, that goes for everything. Completing the super barbarian spreading the ancestral message. Wow. I can't even imagine what that is. And even crushing a car with one badass tank. Okay. I'm the proud driver of, oh, I'm liver King. I'm the proud driver of every single outcome in my life. Why not this too? And then he. I can't stop saying liver king, you know. Liver king here.

Why? Liver king. Liver king going to drive over a liver king tank. So unnecessary. Driving over a fucking... What is that? A cabriolet? Unbelievable. Had his whole family in the tank too dude what's wow first comment under this is i

made 300 000 with profit with robert unbelievable dude dude what is the deal with guys like this truly honestly eat bone marrow. I mean, the guy fucking sucked fish balls. I watched him suck a fish dick on the thing. He ate a pine cone. Like, just, okay. But what is it about, like, what is, I don't, here's what I, here's what I don't, here's what I never liked, you know? When you can look at someone and just know what they're all about.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Like, and I don't, even if you're about good shit, I don't want to know, like, how come you don't have some sense of mystery about you guy? I get social media exposes us all. Right. But like, dude, if you lined up 150 people and liver King was one of them. And you asked me, Hey, which is the one that goes by liver King and drives over cars with a tank? I know is this guy. What is it about?

Like, there is no doubt. Like, I know everybody listens to him, but you'd never be like, I wonder if that guy listens to Joe Rogan, you know he does, you know, what is it with the guy that needs to do all the guy shit, what is that, this guy could not have had a good childhood, there's just no way, there's no fucking way guy looks like a fucking ninja turtle what is it about a guy that needs to do all the guy shit it's so weird bro but he has so many fault look like just opposing a picture posing with a spear, you know? Hey, guy, there's the internet. Why are we still doing it?

This is the whole thing. Evolve, dude. Stop saying new year, new me, and living the same life over and over. If you truly seek to restore the highest version of yourself, you'll be willing to take massive action. You won't make excuses for yourself. You'll start today. Now, son and daughter, hold these machine guns.

We have to pose for Instagram. Like, dude, this is the life. Like, what are you? The nine ancestral tenets are a simple, elegant framework for a way of living that sustained our ancestors for thousands of years. Wow. Nah, bro, there's TV. Nah, there's TV. Nah, there's TV. You don't ever need to be like,

people are just heavy on the ancestor shit. I'm just like, I'm out. Yeah, our ancestors have been using times change. I'm out. There's TV. We got Best Buy. You know what my ancestors thought of Best Buy? Nothing! There's no shit out now!

Yeah, but our ancestors have been doing it. It's really been working. It's been working for thousands of years, and you're going to come along and change it? No! Change changed it! No, I'm not going to do shit, but there's fucking Neuralink coming up! I got to eat bone marrow?

What are you talking about? There's fucking postmates will deliver my shit. I'm my own king. How about that? I can press a button and they'll deliver a fucking cheeseburger that makes my midsection of my brain do jism okay i'm gonna do we got it well you know yoga all right dude okay oh yeah oh yoga huh because they've been studying it for Oh really Okay Yoga then

Burger When people used to tell me Oh you gotta go That's the whole thing You know and I do think that you should unplug sometimes But god damn When people think camping is gonna save their thing. You know, and I do think that you should unplug sometimes, but God damn. When people think camping is going to save their fucking life, you know, it's like, go kiss yourself, man.

Can't you? They think that sitting near a fucking river is just going to clear up. Oh, and I just feel so it's like, but sometimes you need to detox and they just, they're in Tulum. Like that wasn't created too by billionaires this is the it's always chicks that do it too and chicks got dudes doing it now because they're trying to get pussy you got motherfuckers in dockers like sometimes it's good to unplug man you're just saying what the fucking girl you want to sleep with this saying chicks got fantastic ideas man

they really do we gotta unplug because we gotta get back to our dude i'm out of here man i got a microwave close to me i'm always near a microwave too low we reheating in this bitch It's just like dude Gonna sit near a creek and figure out all the fucking Nah dude nah nah nah It's not how it works Maybe don't look at your phone for a day

You don't need to get in a kayak Um Anyway dude it's pretty bitch Jason Derulo Hit that guy you don't need to get in a kayak. Anyway, dude, it's pretty bitch Jason Derulo hit that guy. But it is what it is. There's so many things that just don't need to be something anymore, you know? It's like we're done with it.

Like why is anybody ever holding a spear? Like Liver King is holding a spear. Like dude, there's ak-47s um here's another one why why does the british royal guard exist still oh because of tradition you know how much tradition sucks god damn i really feel like an old curmudgeon. I'm not though. This has always been how. Tradition is one of the top things that leads to war. And I don't say that lightly. Tradition is bad.

Things change. Traditions are bad for us period white black asian indian jewish family traditions just ruin shit because then you're locked in a way of thinking i gotta do it this way and then well what happens when i finally there's offspring that doesn't want to do the tradition well that now we're at each other aren't we now we're at each other aren't we and when does that lead to a fucking war yeah okay that's a huge jump but every step is terrifying we just don't realize it the british royal guard with their fucking microphone hats. They're such pussies, dude. Oh, what are you protecting now? They ran over a child, you know?

They marched over a child. Okay, we're done. After that, they should have just been like, oh, well, we're completely out. It on me? Oh, yes. They're mascots now. Look at this. Don't get in their way un oh wow that was really shit actually

wow so fucking dick just marched over that child you better pray that child's white marched over that child you better pray that child's white um for real dude if it's not that's it if that's it the fucking royal guard is coming tumbling down dude you better hope that that melanin isn't dark you better hope you better hope that you just need powder in the face because i'll tell you right now if that person even got a tan this summer you're fucked you're fucked the british guards coming tumbling down a british guard eat tumbling dude A British guard. Eat tumbleweed. Dude. Somebody said, people justify a guard stepping on a child as being the child's fault. Man, if a kid jumps in front of you, your duty is to, you know, as a human being, not hurt them. He won't lose his job by going around the kid.

Oh, this guy writes, in a normal set of guests, not not in drill that mother of his was irresponsible she should made her sure her son was not in the way of the guard dude hey no don't have the guard and also don't march like that you fucking cuck walk hey put on a base hey put on a baseball cap and walk. Walk to a different job. Nobody's attacking your goddamn castle. You know what you are? You're a guy that can't laugh. Oh, you're the most unfun, useless person alive?

Hey, what's your job? Standing and not laughing? Hey, what's your job? Standing and having no countenance. You're worse than a guy who only works out and doesn't apply his muscles for anything, but the gym. Hey, Royal guard. You know what? You don't exist anymore. In my head, you don't exist. If I see anyone that is a royal guard member in my life i go like this from now on i go like this why is that guy wearing all that i don't know anymore i don't even know anymore

that's where i'm at they men in black me with that shit dude timely jones came up to me look right here and then i see the Royal Guard. Why is that guy wearing that? That's what I do. Wow, people are saying mother's fault. Mother's fault. A times change. I love how the fucking ASB news, ASB military news tweeted it.

Unbelievable. the fucking asb news asb military news tweeted it unbelievable breaking military news with you know hey everything has a twitter huh breaking military news with focus on nato russia middle east dude it has 47.6 thousand followers who Who the fuck is following military news? Dude, I'll tell you right now, man, there's just too many motherfucking people out there. And not enough people like Richard Karn. I've decided, I've thought long and hard about NFTs, and I've decided it's not something I need to do. Un-fucking-real. Defend the queen. Oh, hey, there's a nine-year-old.

Let me stomp all over him, queen. You're a tourist attraction. That's what you are. You're a bridge. That's what you are. You're one of those red phone booths. You're Big Ben, but smaller with a raccoon on your head. God, you suck.

Wow. Hard-hitting shit, man. My baby's hard-hitting shit, and this is exactly the kind of stuff that this cult was founded on. Sitting in the tall grass, talking about how pussy the Royal British Guard is, dude. That is what we do and you guys are out there wanting to listen to npr make another podcast popular that's fine share spread the word of the cult this is what's important no hyperbole crystalia.com for tickets i'm starting to do the road got two dates coming up drinking all respectful um

um sign up for the second youtube channel, Chris D'Elia, more Chris, whatever the fucking name, just type in more Chris D'Elia and click on that, whatever the fuck. I've been watching Boardwalk Empire, dude. That's why I talked about Nucky Thompson. Dude, Boardwalk Empire is so good, man. And I'm on season.

I'm still watching Gamora. I usually don't do this, man. I usually don't watch two things at once. I'm watching Gamora. I usually don't do this, man. I usually don't watch two things at once. I'm watching Gamora. I'm watching, uh, uh, what's it? The, the one I just said, Boardwalk Empire. And I'm watching Dexter, dude, new blood or whatever it's called. And, um, I never have been watching three shows at once.

My shit. You know how I am. I'm an addict. I'm a straight up addict. I do addict behavior. When I see something, I watch it to the end. I watch it fucking full it to the end. I watch it fucking full throttle to the end. I start with episode one and I end with episode end, dude.

And Kristen is like, can we just, and I said, you said you wanted to start watching this three days ago. Let's start season five. Come on. And she's like, but can we just for a little bit, just, and I say, no, dude, I'm full throttle, baby. She's like, but can we just for a little bit just, and I say, no, dude, I'm full throttle, baby. So I started watching Boardwalk Empire. She's like, what about this one? Because, you know, chicks love fucking shit about period pieces. You know, they love period. Like you put, dude, you put a show on.

If they're dressed in outfits that aren't in fashion anymore, chicks are all in, dude. How many chicks believe that they really should have been alive in the 19 that's just my era the 1920s you know if i could pick one one decade that i could it would be the 19th oh really you don't like voting you like getting smacked around by a large popular you like you know what i mean and uh so we started watching boardwalk empire and i'm like immediately i'm like holy shit this shit is good like i've got this for some reason it doesn't come up in like the greatest shows of all time bye-bye surveys bye-bye There is, in no world is Boardwalk Empire not one of the greatest TV shows of all time. In no world.

It's so good, dude. Better than The Wire. Better than The Wire. Sopranos, it's a lot like Sopranos. Sopranos is fucking amazing. Breaking Bad is probably the number one show ever. But like, I don't know, man. Boardwalk Empire is amazing, dude.

Amazing. Why is it not, you know? Anyway, I'm watching it. I'm on season, I don't know what season I'm on, but I'm watching it. And I like it all except for, I'm'm like it's always weird to me to see Steve Buscemi in anything that's not where he's not just playing like a fucking bowler or something and he just plays like this boss that like kind of throws guys around and I'm just like I don't

know and my brother's like just wait he's the best just wait so. So I'm like, alright, I'll wait. I'll wait. I'm waiting. I trust my brother's fucking you know what I mean, thing. Where are we at here? An hour. We'll do a little more. Do we have misconnections or no? Oh, we did them. Okay, let's do misconnections then. Fuck it. Are they under this fucking nfts thing

oh wow here we go yep got him hey guys it's time for misconnections looking to reconnect a micro-sized latino uh small package with my girlfriends. Okay, not a sentence. Looking to, here's the body of it. Looking to reconnect with a husky big guy with small little package. Why is small? It's like instead of an A, they have a four in it.

Like it's a bad word. We don't want to get flagged and still says little package in it, which is definitely more direct. Looking to reconnect with a husky big guy with a small little package. So you want a big husky guy with a little dick? I've never heard anyone ever want that. I know there's kinks for everyone, but you want a big guy with a little dick?

Okay. For you to meet one of my girlfriends if you have a small piece wow fucking in the same sentence also mentioned small piece and little package okay we get it guy looking for short package only jesus christ that's i mean how small you want this guy's dick micro size wow okay i get the kink now i mean dude how many again hit me up especially if you're a chubby stocky gordo with a little package. How many times does this guy have a fucking different, nine times he's talking about how the guy's penis needs to be little. Hey, man, we get it.

And you know, there's still going to be motherfuckers that hit him up. What if like, okay, like, so it looks small if it's, no, dude, it needs to practically go inside. You need to pretty much be, it has to be a pussy. It has to go inside. Dude, let me just read this whole thing. Let's count how many times it is with the fucking thing that he says the thing looking to reconnect a micro-sized Latino small package with my girlfriend. That's two in the title alone.

All right. Then looking to reconnect with a Husky big guy with a small little package that's three for you to meet one of my girlfriends if you have a small piece that's four looking for short package only five micro size hit me up especially if you are a chubby stocky gordo with a little package dude seven times in two sentences he talks about how the guy needs to cock hey your dad died early and if you respond to this your dad died with him you know this is the most and it says it but this is the most do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers because no shit dude well i actually have a medium sized dick No thanks I need it to be a little package Small package

Small piece Short package Micro sized And you gotta be Latino Unreal dude these guys Unreal And spell small with a four Here's another one And spell small with a four.

Here's another one. Retired and missing my friend. Sad. You used to stop by before COVID-19. I am still here on my knees. Get up. I am still here on my knees. Please feel free to leave your mask on I miss your stop and go

Guy needs to work on his innuendo I miss your stop and go Wow imagine calling Sex Stop and go Oh baby I know we've had a lot of issues lately But would I be remiss

If I didn't mention I'd love some stop and go With you at this point God tonight stop and go Imagine if I texted Kristen Stop and go question mark She'd say huh You used to stop by before COVID-19

I am still here on my knees Wow bleeding for sure please feel free to leave your mask on feel free wow what do they call it the fucking uh the gimp thing feel free um here's another one drinking lemonade oh i wonder what this is really about ch Chub Latino. Dude, anytime they write chub, I'm just, I'm done. You know what I mean? Chub. The least sexy.

So condescending. Hey, chub, come on over and suck my cock. So condescending. Hey, chub. Chub Latino guy here. Very thirsty here. A poem. I love to drink a man's lemonade straight from the tap why don't you just tweet i drink piss any takers like we get it you know what is this fucking mischievous chub latino wow these are good ones chub latino guy here very thirsty here

i love to drink a man's lemonade straight from the tap. It is so much fun and love making a man happy by slurping his tap real good. Slurping his tap. Very chill person here. Wow. I'd love to drink your piss. Very chill. I'm very chill though, man man if you're not into it all good just if you want to very chill person here you be too let's have some fun just have plenty of lemonade for me to drink

wow oh this guy put his phone number on I should call man I should call. Man. I should call. I shouldn't call, though. In the neighborhood. Lancaster. I'm a guy looking for new friends in the neighborhood. I just moved to the area. I don't know anyone. That's it. So sad.

No innuendo. Dude, I mean, it's way sadder to just be like hey hey what's up i'm in lancaster anybody i want to have a friend wow just got sad doing even doing that here's another one fun-filled time i'm a 77 years old gay man looking for gay male with experienced small hands what's up with this fucking everyone wants you to be small nowadays huh with experienced small hands. What's up with this fucking, everyone wants shit to be small nowadays, huh? Experienced small hands who can host and lives in my area for some fun filled time.

No endless emails, not on here to chat. Fun filled, you know, that there isn't a more 77 year old thing to say than fun filled time. Any senior ladies like easy hiking? San Gabriel. Are you a senior lady interested in doing some easy hiking? Contact me. I mean, it's boring.

People don't have friends, huh? Here's another one. Lost my girlfriend, Covina. 55-year-old, lost my young girlfriend, still looking for her in the Walmart. Send me a message with pic if you think you're her. Oh, wow. Okay. Well well there's a murder case or the guy just got that can't be can't understand that she left him wow damn imagine both ways imagine you thought that your girl left you imagine being so imagine your girl left you. Imagine being so, imagine your girl, imagine thinking your girl got taken

when really she just left you, like how beta that is, and then how boss player it is to think she got murdered just because she left you. That's the level I want to be on. That's the level that fucking, what's his That's the level that fucking what's his name? The guy from home improvement is on. To just be, to be like, yeah, dude, I think my girl, I think my girl got murdered.

Oh, really? Why? Dude, I haven't seen her in forever. Really? Yeah. And whoever murdered her took her furniture too. Wow. She didn't leave you?

What? Huh? No. I've thought long and hard about this, and I decided that that's not something that somebody's going to do to me. Here's another one. CD plumber for big pipes. Van Nuys.

Thick XD plumber. What's that? We don't know here at congratulations studios looking for young fat pipes to drain with my very tight bottom tool wow hey fucking craigslist get on this one and ban this guy you know it's very simple it's very easy they don't you can't say suck my dick but you can say looking for young fat pipes to drain with my very tight bottom tool. If you just left out tool, you'd get banned, you know? Just added the word tool and it's fine.

Hey, man. Hey, guy here, 30 years old. Would love it if you came by and used your mouth tool on my cock tool. cock tool. Would love it if you used your anus wrench on my fucking, on my cock screwdriver. Tool. Tool. Let's have gay tool sex oh shit do you have a level end cock shit man how funny were these these were great

are you adding another one no okay um shit well that's that man we had a good time dude today and congratulations congargulations um i got dates crystalia.com san diego and oxnard um they're on my website uh and you can go get the new life rips colorway crystalia.com you keep asking for it so we made more um well that's the end of the episode here on youtube if you want the rest of the episode

the uncut version with no ads no uh commercials anything go on over to our patreon that's patreon.com slash chris delia and you get an episode an extra episode a month you get uh our other show review mode you get other behind the scenes stuff and, uh, access to our discord where we chat and we have a lot watch alongs for every episode. Um, and that's all for $6 a month. Crystalia.com slash, uh,

I'm sorry. Uh, we'll go there and get it, but it's patreon.com slash Crystalia. Thank you very much. Congratulations. Congratulations! Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucking Bob.

You're a damn fucking man. I'm a motherfucking right-handed motherfucking child, a motherfucking... everyone's like why is your beard all weird