Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 231. North Pole Johnson

Episode Date: January 19, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris finds out squids have beaks, has a great moment in the green room with his son, and remembers the late great Bob Saget. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. So for our 40th anniversary, we're having our biggest celebration yet. And whether you've been an Aeroplan member for one year or 40, we're making you the guest of honor. So join the celebration with special Aeroplaniversary offers and 40 chances to win a million points at aeroplan.com slash 40. Rules and conditions apply. Hey, guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. We're here, we're hitting, we'll see how we do it. Last episode honestly went really, really, really hard in the paint. I don't like to say that really it's kind of okay to say but i said it and uh said it and forget it remember that infomercial the fucking

guy the rompo peel guy who would do the dried meat and he would just put it in the thing and he'd be like set it and forget it and they didn't add the part afterwards which was like which was and your house burns down. Can't forget it. You obviously have to turn it off, dude. You can't forget it. That's literally false advertising. You can't forget that you have meats in the oven. Okay.

I got an air fryer. So I fucking dude, I leveled the fuck up. Pizza. Even chicken, dude. We put a fucking raw chicken in that air fryer and and and cooked it up dude that it was so and i don't do this i don't like to switch languages but delicioso um air fryers are legit man go ahead and reheat go ahead and reheat pizza in the microwave go ahead go ahead you fucking plebeian. Daddy does it with an air fryer all day long.

It's like he just ordered the pizza. Hey, did Domino's show up to eat my pizza after I fucking, oh, Domino's just must have shown up. Last time I got Domino's, the guy said, dinner? And I said, yeah, it's a little late. He showed up at my door. He said, dinner? I said, yeah, it's a little late, but yeah. Not meaning that Domino's was too late, but meaning that it was late for me to eat dinner. And he said, it's never too late for Domino's and left.

And I was like, oh my God, how fucking happy can you be? How happy can you be to be delivering anything? And I don't even mean as your job, but just to be walking over to someone and passing them something and to be happy. to be walking over to someone and passing them something and to be happy i aspire to that level of fucking just i mean just you know life's about just i was thinking you know i was looking at this fucking um 10 comics to watch thing that variety does uh for uh montreal and i was looking at that the other day i had this picture of it with a bunch of us on it and a bunch of the people made it. A bunch of the people didn't, they all kind of made it in their own way, but one of the, one of them in my class passed away. I mean, just life took a different life was, and I was

thinking about like, wow, it's a trip to even look at that now. And it's not bad. It's just different. Like the excitement of making it as a comedian, i had it right there and i was happy for that and excited for that and i just don't feel that anymore and that's because you know i've made it and life is about different things now you know my career was my most important thing in my life and it's just not anymore my family is and it you know uh so yeah so anyway dude get a fucking air fryer if you want that pizza and um we got the new merch out, which we came out with it last week. We got the Life Rips, the blue colorway. We have all the different colorways, everyone.

We're Ninja Turtles. What are we, the fucking Ninja Turtles? We came out with the blue. God damn it. We came out with the blue. What are we, fucking Ninja Turtles? We got orange and blue and purple And we got the fucking

What are we ninja turtles Dude are you saying cowabunga When you wear this shit And we got this and we got the So go to chrysalia.com And we got the hoodie I was gonna wear it But dude it's way too fucking It's way too stinking hot in here

And you know it It's way too fucking it's way too stinking hot in here and you know it it's way too hot in here um yeah so uh so that so yeah i got an air fryer and i leveled up the game dude you got to get an air fryer man for real i got it for christmas my friend gave it to me and it was a great useful gift man i'm all about useful gifts you know i'm all about useful gifts like we're building a house right now and it's like we gotta you know kristen's always like oh wouldn't it be nice and i'm like well what are we gonna fucking use it for right and she's like no it's just for the vibe and i'm like the vibe is i want to use it right so we have a little indoor outdoor area. That's good for the summertime. And we also live in Los Angeles and I get to use that open or closed. I get double uses and I'm all about double uses, right?

I'm all about double uses. I use the air fryer for fucking pizza and chicken. I mean, I'm, it's crazy. I go bonkers with that shit anyway. Um, so yeah dude um so so uh so i don't even remember what the fuck i was talking about before the house but uh yeah we're building a house i've said it before on the thing and uh we're in the we stages and they're just trying to like it's gonna take like years calvin's gonna be fucking 25 before the house is even done but whatever it's all good and

you can sign up on our patreon patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and also like and subscribe it really helps the algorithm and it gets this that's the thing dude if you're about this fucking cult life if you're if you want to be in the log cabin with us and our and the with with

with the babies fucking sitting in high grass sharing ideas then uh then then then share like and subscribe and make friends in the comments like always dude um and support the show crystalia.com that's where you get the merch anyway dude uh i was at coffee today and um you know how i do it i I always do that. And what did I get? Fucking iced Americano dry. Set it and forget it. Oh, that's what I was talking about. Set it and forget it.

Dude, infomercials are crazy with the black and white fucking red X over the thing that you're not supposed to do. No, tired of regular knives. Fucking black and white person just fucking stabbing themselves right below the jaw none of that um and then a guy comes in with this new knife you'll never stab your jaw wow set it and forget

it yay dude um so um yeah man uh i was at the coffee shop today and I got that Americano. I sat down. I was like, well, what the hell am I going to talk about in this podcast? And some lady came in with like neon green hair. So already I'm like, I'm out. You know, I'm out, dude. Are you? Excuse me, ma'am.

Ma'am. Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you an NFT? Hey, ma ma'am with the fucking jagged haircut like you're in uh fucking like like you're like you're in the matrix but they wouldn't let you win because you're you're too fucking happy you know it's she looked like fucking rainbow bright in 2022 now and it's a ma'am excuse me ma'am i have a question are you dogecoin what's going on excuse me ma'am is this the metaverse no then shave it and dye it back okay

it's like not even it's like you had the kind of, it was kind of the Karen haircut, but it was like, also what's the movie with fucking, uh, Chris Tucker and the fifth element. It was like the fifth element, Karen, the fifth in the fifth. It was like Karen in the fifth element. And it was just neon green. And she was just getting coffee like a person with brown hair. That's the thing dude if you got all of this shit and i mean all of this shit like nose ring alternative lifestyle your tongue is split and and the green hair and it's karen you got to go to the coffee shop that's like, have a fucking, be in the metaphor. You want to be a fucking Ethereum so bad.

You know what I mean? Go get coffee on the fucking blockchain. Be fake drinking it. Right? Be fake drinking your fucking macchiato on a blockchain. Okay? Karen 3000 It's like So she's there And already everyone is just like

Oh shit Checking the back of their necks for that plug in Oh hold on Okay no this is real coffee bean Cool And I drink the coffee It feels real Okay are we on the block ma'am

And so And as if that's not enough and this is i'd even mean to talk about all this metaverse shit but this was the thing that she was doing dude there's always music playing in a coffee shop unless it's greenblatt's which fucking closed down and was next to the laugh factory and greenblatt's was this diner that we it was unfair what this fucking diner did to us, dude. It was next to the Laugh Factory. I used to go all the time and I used to get that fucking Reuben sandwich

with turkey pastrami. And one time, first of all, they brought it and they brought turkey and pastrami and I fucked up, dude. I realized that's my fault because I didn't say turkey pastrami. I said, can I get turkey pastrami? And that's too slow to say that.

Okay. It's too. And that's, and that's me. That's my fault. So when they brought it, guess what I did? I ate some of it and then didn't eat the rest. And I didn't send it back because I fucked up. There's rules and I didn't go by them. And the unspoken rules are the more important rules because that shows that you get it. If you abide by the unspoken rules, you get it, dude. You're in our matrix, right? And we got our own Karens, right? Like I get you can't rob and steal. I don't do that. But those rules are written.

But when you say turkey pastrami and not turkey pastrami, and you get back turkey and pastrami, you failed. Okay? So now when I order that shit, I run it together. I'm like the micro machines man, dude. I'm like turkey pastrami. Can I get a turkey pastrami sandwich? And they say, oh, sure. And if they don't look impressed with how fast I said it,

I say, you know, I meant turkey pastrami and not turkey and pastrami, right? And they say, oh yeah. So we win, motherfuckers. We win. Right? I got my own NFT shit in our matrix, in our metaverse and i know the unspoken rules

so um what this greenblatt's did was and they got real nuts with it dude and i didn't even know it was like there's this video game i was watching the other day on YouTube and they uploaded this thing and I was watching this level. I don't remember what the hell it was, but the level started and it was like this. I didn't even realize, but halfway through there was this low grade music. And then by the time the guy got to the boss of the, of that level, it was the boss that was playing the, the, the boss that you were fighting was actually playing this organ. And that was where the low grade music was coming from all along. And I was like, dude, not only did I not even really understand that there

was a guy playing an organ throughout this whole video game, I didn't even really understand there was music playing. It drifted in. And now I got to fight this guy, right? I felt had, but Greenblatt's, I would go years and years. And then one day, all of a sudden, my buddy, um, who is an animator and just kind of not in the comedian life, he wasn't hooked into our world. Um, he just said, no, it's weird about Greenblatt's while we were eating there. And I said, what? And he said, they don don't play music and i never realized i have never been to a fucking diner or a deli that just didn't have some sort of fucking do you know bullshit jack johnson playing or even like enya or fucking what's her name uh what's her fucking katie perry like they play something right you're eating a sandwich

you don't even realize you're eating it to the beat you know you're like you're eating a fucking burrito and you're like why am I fucking oh I'm eating to the beat of the fucking lovely lady lumps or whatever the fuck the song is from Black Eyed Peas but Greenblatt's had us dude we were eating and it was like what is going on and I

realized once he said they don't play music every time I went in I was like what is going on and i realized once once he said they don't play music every time i went in i was like man this is so weird dude can you put on some lovely lady lumps please i'll have the black ips and also play the black ips and worst joke ever and so um and this is the reason why i bring it up this is the reason why I bring up this whole thing. I know I got sidetracked into fucking, there were many tentacles in this conversation and many tentacles in this story. And let's just get back to the fucking squid, right?

We'll get back to the squid. All right. We're all the arms of the squid. I went off. I started talking about an air fryer. I went off. I started talking about NFTs. I went off.

I started talking about the fifth element and all the other things, the music at Greenblatt's. But let's get back to the squid. All right? Let's get back to that beak part of the squid. Did you even know that a squid has a beak part? Did you know that?

A squid has a fucking beak straight up. Did you know that? Squids have beaks, man. And we're just supposed to be out here living our lives. Right? Somebody invented the internet and a fucking toaster. And we forgot all about squid beaks, dude. Squids, there's a beak, and they shoot out.

They wrap you up, and they shoot out, and they beak you the fuck up in your chest. That's how Steve Irwin died, I think maybe. You know what I mean? They got beaks, dude. Shit underwater, they got beaks, dude. I didn't know that. They're wet birds in there, dude not flying just beaking it up man pulling you in french kissing you fucking making your shit all fucked up

making your shit all lumpy making your shit like ground beef with their fucking beak just fucking you ever see the end of that fucking uh prometheus or whatever the fucking movie is where they were that big ass tall white guy that's secretly black dude. When they made that movie Prometheus with the fucking guy in it, Michael Fassbender or whatever, which is a made up name Fassbender. But dude, when, when, when they, at the end, when the alien comes out, cause he's been cooking for the whole time in the lab and he comes out and he grabs that big ass albino white black dude, dude, they tried to make it so that do you if you've seen that movie you know what i'm talking about the big ass white dude he's in the beginning and the end of the movie because in the beginning of

the movie and then we go we see how he was fucking made or whatever the prometheus movie it was that from the aliens thing from the aliens uh quady trilogy. How many alien movies are there? Fucking 10 of them. Anyway, there's this big ass dude. He just literally straight up looks like fucking Michael Jordan. It's so racist. So they were like, we got to make him completely albino. You know, he wasn't albino in the beginning, but they were like, dude, he looks like a black guy.

They're going to come for us. The woke mob is going to come for us. We got to make them white. And they just kept making them whiter and whiter and whiter until he was fucking translucent. And they were like, this is basically it anyway when that fucking at the end when the alien comes in and they pull him in the guy the white dude is extra strong because he's an alien but that fucking alien comes in with the tentacles and brings them in all into his fucking mouth pussy and beaks him up dude so that's what i'm saying let's get back to that beak

what are we talking about though what even was the fucking thing i was saying i was talking about the beaks them up, dude. So that's what I'm saying. Let's get back to that beak. And what are we talking about though? What even was the fucking thing I was saying? I was talking about the lady dancing. The reason why I was talking about this whole thing about the fucking thing that happened at Coffee Bean is because all of a sudden this Fifth Element NFT style girl with the Karen haircut from fucking Rainbow Bright, dude, she starts dancing. In the cafe, she starts dancing to the music and I don't know what they're playing, but she's fucking bobbing. And, dude, I thought about talking about this on the podcast. And whenever I brought it up in my head to me while driving or whatever the fuck in the living room, I thought, well, I'm not going to do the dancing because it makes me insecure even by myself. Do you know what I'm talking about?

People are out there doing shit that makes me insecure, not even doing it for people, but by myself. And they're out there doing it like we're paying them to. Right? Have you ever been out at a place like a diner? I was at a Mel's Diner once and Busta Rhymes was there, but not being Busta Rhymes, just eating a sandwich. He was being whatever his regular name is, Mr. Rhymes, fucking Jack Rhymes.

I don't know what his regular name is, but Busta was just sitting there eating something at Mel's Diner. And all of a sudden a lady comes up to him and just starts singing. Like she's going to put his, like he's going to put his fucking turkey pastrami shit down. Sorry, turkey pastrami shit down. And all of a sudden just be like, hold up. Be on the third track on my next album.

It's just not going to happen. But people are, but she did it. She sang like we were paying her for it. When in actuality, that's not the world we're in right now. Right? We're in eating world. We're in the Mel's metaverse. Right?

All these different fucking, it's like, figure out where we are and be that way. There's dance clubs for, hey, man. Hi. I don't mean to bug you. And I touched you in real life. So apparently you're not an NFT, but there's dance clubs for that. All right.

Take care. But the dancing she was doing was, and I don't even want to do it alone. And I'm alone now, but you guys are going to see this. But this is what the dancing she was doing was, and I don't even want to do it alone. And I'm alone now, but you guys are going to see this, but this is what the dancing she was doing. She was going like this, like this. Oh, fucking it's cringy. Right. And I'm doing it. And if you're just listening, thank you, by the way, if you're watching, I'm sorry. And if you're listening, thank you. And you're welcome. But she was doing it like this, like, like she had two small cocks right like this like just jerking them

and she was doing it like this and then leaning her head back a little bit jerking two cocks and leaning her head back what making the two guys fucking jizz on each other not her right that's what was happening because when you're fucking leaning back and you're doing that jerking two cock they fucking splash on each others right They fucking Whoopsie you spunked on his tip that's what they do Whoop not me though And you lean back with it right And so she was leaning back with it

Doing the dancing and then she stopped and then she did the dancing again And hey I'm just like lady But be in line though Hey just be in line It's one thing to have all the outfit And then it's another thing to also amp it up with doing all the dancing that you should be doing in a dance club. And that's all I honestly have to say about that. Many, many tentacles, but we got to the beak.

It's just, dude, maybe I'm jealous because she was so carefree, right? I think that's the hottest thing a person can be is carefree. I think it's the sexiest, hottest thing a person can be is carefree. I think it's the sexiest, hottest thing a person can be is carefree. Right? That's why Pete Davidson is like the fucking man. Dating everybody. He's dating fucking, what's her name? Mother Teresa next.

And she's dead. Dude. And he, just because he's so carefree. He's just like, if you ask Pete what's up, he'd be like, I don't know, man. Whatever. Hey, but we're at war oh man shit dude do you want this what is that i it's a i found it what is it it's a thing i just found well what is it i don't really know but you want it you're like oh god all right let's fuck like that's how carefree is the shit Girls or guys Why doesn't it matter though That speaks to my soul But why doesn't it matter

When something doesn't matter to somebody I feel less than And um And that's hot as shit And we all need more of that Especially if we want to fucking be sexy Right and that's what we're all striving to be Sexy in a coffee shop. So, uh, yeah, man, I love it. I love it. And by the way,

dude, I know I come hard in the, uh, podcast. I know I come hard with it sometimes. And you guys are like, he's a curmudgeon, but I i'm not though because i want that lady to do what she does above all else do what you do and dress how you want above all else but also i get to complain and have a good time with it right those guys out there with fucking ascots that's way worse are those fucking what are those like remember those taliban scarves that everybody used to wear like for nine months um celebration is a universal language it connects people wherever they go and for 40 years aeroplan has taken our members all over the world so for for our 40th anniversary, we're having our biggest celebration yet. And whether you've been an Aeroplan member for one year or 40, we're making

you the guest of honor. So join the celebration with special Aeroplaniversary offers and 40 chances to win a million points at aeroplan.com slash 40. Rules and conditions apply. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws, like Hit of the Month. So you get the Rules and conditions apply. forget in-stock promise where you can count on great offers being in stock or get a rain check discover more value than ever at loblaws in-store and online conditions apply see in-store for details i fucking i did the king in the sting it's out if you can go watch that i did king of the sting i was with eric uh griffin and brendan shawb and uh i filled in a little bit because i know theo couldn't be there but I was the guest on the couch. Um, and, uh, that was good.

We talked, you know, they got a good, they got a good show there. Um, I, I had never watched a full episode. Obviously I've seen clips, but, uh, I saw the, uh, I saw the whole episode that I was in because, uh, but I saw it through my own eyes when I was there. I didn't watch it.

Um, so you can check that out i've been doing a lot of watching though a lot of watching i think you know what i did the other day i turned on regular tv i have that i didn't even know flipped the channel and it was 8 30 or something and every channel was about like was about like black people trying to be a musician or an artist or something and it was like yeah it was like the networks were trying so hard to not be racist but also being racist dude like they're hiring i know they're hiring people of color to do the people of color shows right is the guy at the head still like some white jewish guy like why is this happening like i turned on that show blackage black it black itch wow going to fucking hell i turned on this show blackish and the lead guy his name is dre like dude first of all i thought it was drake

and i i fell out of my chair i thought it was drake i thought the guy's name was drake and then i and then i realized it was dre but also that's still like such a big hip-hop guy like don't name him that it's i mean i get okay people of color i hope they were in charge of this is all i'm saying and i know they are because i know that guy kenya barris did this show or whatever but i hope what he said goes because i just imagine this white dude like at the top that's just like can we call him dre do you know what i mean can we call him is it cool if we leave everything but we call him dre and they're like well i just i like his name richard yeah but i don't know i just like dre just not explaining himself some white jewish guy yeah just like dre because this was before probably this show was on

the air before kenya barris was kenya barris is that even his name or am i being racist kenya you know um it's like if a fucking my name was denmark um denmark delia uh fucking north paul johnson uh so for fuck's sake dude what's a really white place spokane spokane johnson um so uh so every and then i change the channel and i know that fucking that i turn on the show queen queens with brandy who is i think brandy by the way is there's something about brandy that is the most attractive thing i think brandy it's so funny too because like i looked it up on imdb to see what the fucking actors and the characters names were and it's so funny that on imdb they'll be like it'll be like brandy and then her last name too and it's like oh okay it's all official now right like fucking it'll be like, LL Cool J is in this, but also it's James Todd Smith.

And you're like, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, okay. Right. And,

uh, so, so I'm watching this fucking show Queens and it was about the R and B rap fucking world. And I'm just like, all right. It was just so funny to me that these fucking networks are like just trying so hard and i'm not saying it's a bad thing it's a hilarious thing because like i i they don't care they just act like they care because they think their money is affected. Right. And so they make this show called Queens and Brandy's in it.

And the fucking two artists that they're, that they're, that are in the show are Lady Z and Explicit. Hey. Name them better. Hey. Hey. Try a little bit more.

Did you give up halfway through thinking lady z and explicit why don't you just call one of them break dude lady z Why don't you just call one of them break? Dude, Lady Z. But there's JZ, though.

Oh, but there's Exhibit. Explicit, dude. Hello, and meet your arch rivals break and bust a crimes. And Foxy drowned, dude. Try harder. I'm sure people of color wrote this. So stop being so white, people of color. Dude, it's insane, man.

It's insane, dude. Explicit, dude. X to the T. It was, oh, and you, oh, and you better believe it was X. It wasn't Yax, dude. Oh, and you better believe it was X-Split. It wasn't EX, dude. Oh, yeah, and we, yeah. Hey, what up?

This is your rapper, X-Split, and I got a show on VH1. Pimp my pride. Try think further. Dude, it's like this whole thing was thrown into an algorithm and it just fired it out the back end. Are people running these shows? What is going on? What is

going on? And people are watching it. Look at these are the rest of the names. Eve plays Professor Sex. That's her rap name in it that's what it says jill da thrill at least those aren't lil muffin i mean these would be but dude it's just like on it's like and dude they're saying shit like yeah and it's lit like, it's like, and dude, they're saying shit like, yeah, and it's lit.

And dude, these people are 40 in it. Brandy's older than me, you know? Yeah, I'm in the hizzy. Like what, dude? Who's writing this shit? Like just, that's, that's why it's like, just do you ABC. Just do what you're doing you don't have to try to do what you think you should do because it's fucking it's that lady dancing in the coffee

bean it's it's embarrassing dude a cringe city it's like so weird man it's it i and i kept up the channel it was it kept being about fucking hip-hop producers dude oh my god dude it was fucking hilarious and everything is is turning into that too it's like it's so weird this is fucking so weird man and i'm not saying don't like this is i could so see somebody saying oh like chris louis making fun of fucking oh black people shouldn't be on tv like you're a fucking idiot if you think that's what i'm saying you're a fucking moron that's not what i'm saying but like can, can't like, God, God, you know what, dude? It's like, and then, and then they go on the other end and they do the fucking, what's that movie? The,

the movie with the fucking, all the black cowboys and shit on Netflix. And it's like, okay, nevermind then they tried to make black people white too. And it didn't work it's like just but of course everyone's reviewing that somebody said the best cast imaginable dude i love how i just saw that billboard on that what's it called the heart of they fall is it that fucking movie and they're like best cast imaginable dude that's the thing that they're running with best cast imaginable and in my head i'm like oh but jiminy cricket and Cricket and Jesus Christ. What do you mean imaginable? Gregory Peck, he's dead, though. Sidney Poitier just died.

I'm imagining him, though. Oh, cool. You got some guy that was in some movies? I'm imagining Napoleon Bonaparte, though. Best cast imaginable? At best, best cast alive. But also, no, though.

Whatever, dude. I'm too fucking... Whatever, bro. It's like, dude, it's just like fucking Lady Z, dude. There's just... Like, even with the z dude um speaking of rappers kodak black did that thing where he had sex in the fucking box seat what is kodak black you know like he i feel like when he goes to a place, he doesn't walk. He just says, okay, and just fucking rolls.

What shape is he? Is he five tires? What is going on, dude? He's a Simpson, right? If you saw him walk by Homer in the show The Simpsons, you wouldn't even think about it. But in real life, you go, oh, there are my tires. Are you just fucking four trash bags? Like what are you?

Who is? What is going on, dude? I listened to an interview with him and he it was so all was unbelievable dude he was just like you know i don't even know but you know i mean you're not talking to me and people in the in the comments were like huh and then somebody would be like fuck you you don't even get this lifestyle. What lifestyle? The I don't hear you lifestyle?

And like about being okay, like, oh yeah, you're old. You don't get it. That's my favorite thing. You're old. You don't get it. No. What though? That's why I think that people need to be somebody in society.

You don't need to actually do, but you need to be able to do more than one job. You can have one job, right? As a matter of fact, you should only have one job and do everything for than one job. You can have one job, right? As a matter of fact, you should only have one job and do everything for that one job. But you need to be able to do two jobs, different jobs.

If you can't, you got to just kind of plug in and be in the metaverse. You can't be walking around. Like what else the fuck could Kodak Black do, right? do you know what i mean like some day trip some some fucking wall street guys you're like oh all you could do is do this shit dude get out go into metaverse with kodak black i'm not it's not a you know what i mean maybe we

just wore the ski mask and the fucking branch camouflage at the morning show or whatever the hell that see the god show is that's the the level of camouflage i need to get though when they started doing the branch camouflage i got boots with the branch camouflage on it dude fuck leaves i got branches on that shit that's the level of camouflage but man it's so funny man i i don't know what interview it was, but they were like, and the interviewer was like, what do you mean no?

And he was like, people under it. What did he say? Next guy under that. You just saying about that life. Guess not, dude. Guess I'm about a different life. You know, I love that.

You're old, bro. You don't get it. Yo, I love that shit where it's like, oh, dude, he's that's my favorite thing, dude. Not like when I post a fucking video. One of the things is like, oh, man, dude, what's this guy know? He's in his 40s or what is he, 45 or 50? And it's like, dude, what's this guy know? He's in his forties or what is he? 45 or 50. And it's like, dude, how is that a diss? It's good to get old. You did it. You made it. Some people die first. That's worse, right? I don't want to be dying. I want to be living.

I don't want to be dying. I want to be living. I want to keep living. 80, 90, 100. I want to keep going. Oh, yeah, but that dude's old. I guess people don't really do it when they're like in their 70s or 80s. It's mostly 40 to like 55.

People are like, you old fucking piece of shit. And you're like, this is just the middle. Can I just chill? This is just the middle of my life, dude. Hey, can you relax? Stop fucking busting on me and let me be 40. 40's the shit though, really. God, people are the funniest when they're in their 40 for real, dude.

Like imagine a fucking 20-year-old tripping. Imagine a 30-year-old tripping. Okay, fine. Could be funny. 40-year-old tripping? Forget it, dude. You pack up. I a 30 year old tripping. Okay, fine. Could be funny. 40 year old tripping. Forget it, dude. You pack up. I got to sit the fuck down. I'm laughing for a long time. 50 year old. Also funny. Not as fun as 40 because that's when the sadness creeps in because that's when the, Ooh, is he going to break a hip? You know what I mean? 60? No. If you 70, if you laugh at someone falls, you're fucking, you're, you're satan you can't laugh at a 70 and

up guy falling 40 that's it a little bit fat that's it a 40 a little bit fat not even fat but like big guy who would be like nah it's just i'm i'm big bone like a guy who would be like i'm big bone and also like gets pink when he starts running a little bit and he falls and has fluffy hair forget it dude forget it that's the end of the week whatever day that happens even if it's monday that's the end of the week let's start again monday here we go unbelievable dude but we talk real shit but we talk real shit um yeah but so kodak black did sex in a box seat and then everyone put the internet video, put the video on the internet from across the way. And then they shot, somebody shot video in inside the box and he wasn't actually doing it, but it looked like he was doing it doggy style or whatever the fuck.

Five tire style. And, um, and, uh, then he was just kind of like bouncing on her instead of not doing it instead of doing a doggy style and the word got out. But I guess apparently Twitter blew up about it. I don't know. But the internet was going nuts about how, hey, Kodak Black is having sex with the girl in the box seat and it wasn't happening. So that's the thing, Kodak. You got us again. You got us once again.

You had America. You got, we got had, huh? Um, yeah. You had America. You got, we got had, huh? Um. So yeah, so I did, uh. So I've been watching a lot of TV. I watched the shark tank thing. I can't stop watching shark tank. Shark tank is one of those shows that fucking pisses me off as much as it does.

How good it is. It's a good show. It's so watchable and it's so easily consumed. You could just consume the shit out of it. It's like eating bacon. You're just like, yeah, but maybe one more. You know what I mean? It's like if I could put two Shark Tank episodes on at once and watch them both and have my eyes be like that fucking weird guy in the Frankenstein movies,

I'd watch both. eyes be like that fucking uh that weird guy in the frankenstein movies i'd watch both um and uh i just fucking that whole in my head all day long i've been watching it for like a week and a half and just Craig believes he can revolutionize. It's always like some small ass idea that we're like, oh, fuck. Craig revolutionized drinking alcohol. It's a belt loop that converts into a cup holder. All right, Craig, what are you looking for, Mr. Wonderful? Because remember, money doesn't

sleep, just already with a coined thing. The thing I love about money is it's not your girlfriend. Okay. The thing I love about money money is you know what i love about money it has more hair than me craig's looking for a stake 50 for 50 billion dollars for for fucking for a cock ring hi i'm craig hello sharks i'm craig and would, I'm looking for a 30% stake in my 50% company and I would like 12, $12. And what happens is, yeah, sure. There's cock rings out there, but not like this. Let me show you. What you do is you take the ring and you unplug it and then you put it in your balls right above your shaft and there it go oop and there it go oh you know what

i like about cock rings it's not just for yang dang wrong and then the sharks the hammerheads swimming over the fucking building when we come back where we so he offered damon offered fucking cock rings is not necessarily a business i want to get into. So for that reason, one time when I was younger, I used a cock ring and it caught and it was a lot of blood. So for that reason, I'm out. Young, dang, dang, dang. Tired of regular cock. Hi, I'm or it's always like some. Hi, I'm the one.

The ones I don't get it at all are the fucking clothing lines. Who's investing? Like, it's just another clothing line. And then, like, the girls will always try to backdoor it in, you know? They're like, so, hi, it's Lisa. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding. Lisa and Tammy are looking for a 20% stake in their company.

Pregnant lady shirts Ding ding ding ding Ding ding Hi sharks I'm Lisa And I'm Tammy And today we're launching pregnant shirts Together

Ding ding ding ding Ding ding And there's always that one dude that's real creative with it So here's what I'll do. I'll give you fucking seven times what you ask, but can I put the shirts on my anus? Okay, so here's what I'm going to do. You're asking for 30 grand.

I'm going to give you $15 million. Can I eat the shirts You're asking for 30 grand I'm gonna give you 15 million dollars Can I eat the shirts and will you wait here Till I shit them out Sharks over the building And then they come back Sharks over the building So, can I eat the shirts and will you wait Do the recap, you know

Like we're idiots not watching First of all, everyone's watching it on Hulu And if they're not, we remember there were two fucking Charmin commercials before I fucking. So two sharks are out because they're just fucking t-shirts. And these ladies are trying to backdoor it in by using pregnancy. When I was pregnant, I noticed that there were shirts, but none of them would fit. Yeah. So what we did is we designed a shirt that's a little bit fatter in the fucking belly.

Yen-ten-ten-ten-sh, sheng-ten. Do you have any sales? No. Well, okay, how is it a business? I made shirts, though. Young, yen-ten-tsh, sheng-ten! Fucking Mr. Wonderful Eatin' Sh shirts Trying to shit him out You know what I love about these shirts

They don't give you a stomach ache Ding ding ding ding But that's the great thing about fabric You can shit it out in under three hours It's like you eat a shirt You go to Vegas you get there you use the toilet Ding ding ding ding You don't even have to stop. You're shitting out fabric in the Mirage. You can shit out a whole shirt by the time you get to Excalibur.

You're on the roller coaster, New York, New york and you're putting out a fucking cape mr wonderful on a fucking on the new york new york roller coaster shitting out a fucking pregnancy shirt a pregnancy shirt on the back end screaming out i invested 14 million dollars dude and that's the motherfucking shit i am talking about i want to get on that i want to get on that show. Why is Kevin Hart on it? Hey, Kevin Hart, you're done. Pack up. You did it.

You're done. Why are you? Hey, Kevin Hart, spend time with your kids. Why are you on Shark Tank, dude? What's going on? Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit.

Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. You know fucking Kevin Hart did Shark Tank and The Rock was like,

some bitch beat me to it. You know. You know 100%. So pissed off with the eyebrow up at home. God damn it. In his tank top, just sweating profusely on the couch, after fucking, talking about Hawaii too much, you know,

after talking about mana, or whatever it is, by the way, what's the over under, how long do you think until fucking, the rock comes out with an energy drink, or a power drink, and it's called like mana energy,

or some shit, how long, how long do do you think how did it not happen yet what's mana is mana the thing you don't know wow he doesn't know what i'm talking about now now this is the thing i think that's the mana is the hawaiian meaning what is mana here look in some polynesian languages the literal meaning of mana is thunder, storm, or wind. Yeah, dude. How is there... How has the rock... When? When is the rock going to come out with a mana

energy drink? Because that's happening. Anyway. Kevin Hart's on a fucking shark tank, and that's hilarious. So, you know what they say about that. Yen-ten-ten-ten-ch, yen-ten-chung. So I want to be on Shark Tank.

I don't just every time they come in, I don't have the money. I don't have the same amount of money you guys have. I think maybe I'm out. A sad one. I only, I don't know. I had a rough year. Sales always drop at the end of the month for me.

Cause it's Patreon. Sales always Drop at the end of the month for me Because it's Patreon You know what I like about Patreon Um Yeah dude So uh What was I saying

The fucking thing about Those guys dude they have so much fucking money And then also I like how the guy Who doesn't invest much He he has $350 million. Everyone's a billionaire except for the guy on the end. And he's just like, I only have $350 million. He loses. He loses.

The fucking one on the end with the fucking, uh, what do you call it? The, uh, the, the, the beaker that's the color of his skin. I always know when somebody has a beaker on their face, you can't hide it just because it's not Brown. What the fuck? The birth beauty mark or whatever the fuck. If you're going to have a beauty mark, dude, if what I call him a beaker, if you're going to have a beaker, make the shit Brown, dude, don't make it clear.

Those are the worst, the clear beakers. Dude. And I say beaker. And I've been saying this as a little kid because when I was a little kid, a beaker is a raised beauty It's like a fucking not a freckle it's raised What do they call them? Beauty mark? Is that what you call them?

Juan? Yeah beauty mark Alright well I call them beaker And as a kid when I was a kid I just thought they were called beakers Like I just I don't know It was already in my vocabulary I never learned it Nobody ever called it a beaker I just called it a't know. It was just like, it was already in my vocabulary. I never learned it.

Nobody ever called it a beaker. I just called it a fucking beaker as a kid. And I was talking about it with my mom and I was like, oh man, mama, I have so many beakers. And she was like, what the fuck is a, what? And I was like a beaker. And she's like, what's a beaker? And I started pointing them on my arms. And she was like, she started laughing.

She was like, you mean beauty market? And I was like, yeah, beaker. And she's like, where'd you learn that? I said, I don't know. It should be called a beaker, dude. And so that's what it is. So if you're going to have a beaker beaker and she's like where'd you learn that i don't know it should be called a beaker dude and so that's what it is so if you're gonna have a beaker i hope it's brown man a lot of people with those fucking translucent beakers out there get out of here man have a zit or a fucking beaker don't make that shit the same color as your skin i did a show i did a show with brendan shob and uh we did it in uh it was brendan shob

at friends at the improv and it was awesome here. Here's the thing. I was watching. I was in the, what do you call it? I was, what am I trying to say? I did a podcast last week, and in the middle of my podcast, Kristen said she was bringing Calvin to a movie and that I should come. And I ended the podcast, and I had to get to the improv and I couldn't make it. I'm like, babe, I don't want to do that. And I'm upset because I want to be there for Calvin's first movie.

And she was like, well, I'm with him out and I never really get time to like, kind of like de-stress and unwind. So I'm just going to go see the movie. And I was like, I would really appreciate it. If you don't, you can do anything else. I want to be there for my son's first movie. And she was like, well, really appreciate it. If you don't, you can do anything else. I want to be there for my son's first movie. And she was like, well, we're already inside.

Anyway, I was like, okay, you know, I don't want to make a thing out of it, but I was upset, swallowed it. And I, um, and then I, and then I, I, I had to get ready for the show. And then I went to the, to the, uh, get my coffee as I do. I do my thing.

I fucking get in and I do my, uh, I, I do my routine. You know, I went to the coffee bean, I got the coffee. Actually, I think I went to the fucking Starbucks even, but I went to Starbucks and I went to the improv. And when I went to the improv, I was, uh, you know, I kind of was thinking about my son watching the movie. I was like, I hope he has a good time, but I was still kind of bummed out. And I got into the green room at the improv and I hear that, that, and Calvin's there. And I just, everything just melts away. I'm not bummed out anymore. I'm not upset.

And Kristen's a hero. And he's just that, that, that, that, that, that. And he runs to me, gives me a big hug and Calvin's in there. And I almost start crying. And I, I put it on my other YouTube channel, uh, more Chris, uh, more Chris D'Elia and it's, uh, on the, it's the pre-show with Chris it's called. And, um, my face, even the side of my face, you can see like how emotional dude, I fucking everything else felt fell away.

And it was the first now, instead of seeing my son's first movie, it was my first, first time my son was going to see me on stage. And I was going to be me on stage and i was going to be hanging out with him in the green room with my other people who still you know look it's been a fucking weird two years for me to say the least and the other comedians on the show that was still fucking rocking with me and that that uh in the face of fear still support me, um, is just, was such a beautiful thing, man. And that, you know, to think that my career used to be the most important thing and now it's not, my family is the most important thing.

And now I'm at this show and my family's there in with two of now the most important things. It was just too much for me to even handle, dude. It was just so emotionally amazing. And I was nervous for like the first time in a long time, besides the first time I came, I came back, I started to do standup. I was a little nervous, but dude, to have, I was like, Calvin's not even two. And I'm nervous for this person to watch me because I want him to fucking like me. I want him to like me. And it wasn't like, I want him to think like me i want him to like me and it wasn't like i want him to think i'm funny like he doesn't even know what the fuck i'm saying as a matter of fact i went

on stage and he was just like that that that he was so confused and chris was like she watched me for 30 seconds then he was like trying to run around and she was like be quiet be quiet and then just put on something on the phone for him to watch and like people buy paid tickets for this shit i told him she should just put my specials on that would have been funny because no matter what if it's on that phone he'll just zero in on it but it was such a beautiful thing man you can go watch that video on on the more crystalia channel uh the pre-show with chris and uh yeah it was just fucking really wild and i love it and i just loved that moment man and i loved that moment it's. And I loved that moment. It's just so much. It's so much feeling, you know.

It's crazy to be a person, period, actually. It's so much if you let it be. You know what I'm talking about? Like, that's why I say life rips. It's like, it's so, it really is a feeling of what you let it be. Right. Like I could have, the old me would have walked into that green room. Now I didn't have a son, right?

The old me, the, the unaware sleepwalking through life guy didn't have a, it wasn't when I had a son, but the old me wouldn't have necessarily stopped and thought about that and taken that in. I wouldn't have allowed it because it was too much feeling, right? I talk about how I don't like music a lot because it's artificially making me feel these emotions. And that's what life was to me. It was, you're not going to make me feel that way.

I choose how I feel. But if you're doing that, then how much of the life are you living? Right? Like nobody wants to be around all day and cry at every fucking waking moment. There's a lot of sadness in the world, but there's also a lot of happiness and you need to feel all of that to be a person. If you're not, then you might as well be in the metaverse and have a jerky fucking Fox head, Right? You might as well. Because you're not really living. Life is as much feeling as you let it be. And as much as you let it take in.

Because, man, having my son there in that green room. Having my son there knowing that he was watching his dad. Do his job. For him too too you know like i actually do it it was the reason why i went back on stage it's because of him i didn't you know i checked out i was in a bad fucking place man i did not want to you know there were weeks and months at a time a bad fucking place, man. I did not want to, you know, there were weeks and months at a time where I didn't, I was like, fuck it, dude. So many people threw me under the bus. Fuck them. I'm not doing standup anymore. That's not a community. I'm

not in that community. I don't want to be in that community. Fuck that. I don't want to be in that community. You know, the world has a certain opinion of, of, of me or whoever the fuck has an opinion of me or whoever the fuck it is. Uh, you don't know who I am. And there was a long time where I just wanted to give up. that made me get back on stage at certain points was my son's going to be 21 day or 15, whatever the fuck it is of a mind to ask me, Oh, Hey dad, you used to be a comedian. And I would have to say, yeah. And he would say, well, why don't you do that anymore? And I'd have to say a version of, I let the world get the best of me.

Or I let people say and believe that I'm something that I'm not. And I gave up. And when it comes to my son, that's just not an option. So yeah. So that's what, that's what that means to me, having him there. And that's what that means to me, having him there with all the people that I love and still love. Whether that be, you know, Brendan Schaub, Theo, Craig Conant, Chappelle Lacey, Eric Griffin, you know, and I'm just naming some of them.

But, you know, and my fiance and Calvin, who knows me. I love you, motherfuckers. But that was a nice special day that I had no idea was coming. You know, sometimes you have special days because you're ready. And sometimes a special day just hits you over the side of the fucking head. That's what that was. I didn't mean to get so heavy. Speaking of heavy, I want to talk about this, about Bob Saget, man.

It was just, you know what the crazy thing about Bob Saget. First of all, Bob Saget, he was, he was a great guy. I knew him a little, um, always was smiles and made you feel like when you're talking to him, he was, you were the, you know, one of those people that, oh, you, oh, okay. This is Bob Saget, you know, but when I was a younger comedian, he, he treated me like a person, which doesn't always happen with, uh, we, we had a, um, a conversation once that, um, where we disagreed about something and I walked away feeling, um, so taken aback by how he, how he handled it, you know? Um, it was by no means an argument or anything like that, but it was just, it was something that I realized afterwards, if it was someone else and if it was someone else with any sort of agenda, it could have been such a weird thing. But he made it so comfortable by being a great guy about it. And he wasn't being a great guy. He just was a great guy.

It's so sad to see him go because of that energy that he brought to the world. Because of that energy that he brought to the world. Um, you know, whether it be on TV or making you laugh or just, even if he wasn't Bob Saget, you, he would be one of those guys that would be in the room and you'd be like, oh, that guy. Oh yeah, that guy. Oh, I fucking like that guy. Like that's that he radiated that really, he really did. And he was one of those guys too, that like, it's going to be a little bit weird to not have him in the world. Like he's been around ever since I could remember. And he was 65, which is young. And you you just He seemed like a guy that was just gonna be 95

You know and in 30 years you were gonna be Like that was Hey yeah Bob Saget had his run But he died too early And It's such a shame man It really is You know

I didn't know him well but I knew him And I hope this is coming across the way I wanted to Because he just I don't know I just I think he was a As special guys go I think he was a special guy

He had a lot of friends And I've been texting with a lot of them I think he was a, as special guys go, I think he was a special guy. He had a lot of friends and I've been texting with a lot of them, you know, reaching out saying, no, Hey, I know this is close to you. I'm sorry. And, uh, yeah, they're all saying how horrible it is. You never heard a bad word about Bob Saget, but, um, anyway. yeah. I don't know how long I've even done this podcast. Do I gotta do it enough time?

Maybe I should do this one more thing. I'm going to total. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. Well, I guess we could end. I had that cool mode de-wrapper thing. I could do that next time. Actually, that's a good thing to do next time.

All right. Well, that's that. We'll end on that. Rest in peace, Bob Saget. You were a legend, you know? Wow. You were a legend in only 65 years. How about we'll say that?

That's pretty amazing. So that's that. That's the podcast. Thanks for listening. If you want, sign up on our Patreon. And we really appreciate you support the show. If you do that, we keep on bringing the show and making the show. And you can go to chrystalia.com for the New Life Rips Colorway and the Go Medium and Sometimes Stay Out or the Sorry Strong Guys merch.

And you help support the show. We love you. Join us on Twitch, Flex Avenue, and subscribe and like. And also leave comments for the algorithm. Make friends in the comments you see somebody talking shit you make friends you say let's go to red robin hey guys that's the episode for today uh we are uh done here on youtube if you want the rest of the episode the extra the extra uncut version of it go to patreon that's patreon.com slash chris delia there's a lot other

uh of other stuff there's an extra episode a month. There's also another segment we do called Review Mode. And we've got behind-the-scenes stuff. And we're actually adding some stuff. So go on over to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. No ads, no commercials anywhere. And we'll see you there. Bye-bye. Congratulations Congratulations

Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM