Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 232. Whoopsie Daisy

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris discusses Tarzan's loincloth, Judge Steve Harvey, MGK and Megan Fox's engagement, and getting woken up to go to bed. Plus he breaks down the very essence of Missed Connections. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. PC Optimum members save more. For exclusive offers and members-only pricing, just scan and save. And don't forget in-stock promise, where you can count on great offers being in-stock or get a rain check. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store for details. Hey, guys. Welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Congratulations. It's another episode, it's another episode of Congratulations and um, you know we got it up, we got it all dude, we got it all in life, don't we, we got it all, dude. We got it all in life, don't we? We got it all.

You just got to realize it. That's why I say life rips, man. A lot of people write in to me about the hard times that they're going through, and life is as good as you make it, and you can just basically have no limbs and still have life be ripping. It's all about a mentality, baby. And that's why, you know. By the way, that's why we got these here.

Life rips. These are new. The new colorway on the fucking podcast. Go to chrisalia.com. And, you know, it's like, yeah, life rips. But also I got to collect racks. So it's like that's what it is. So, yeah, it's like, oh, his message is also collecting racks. But it's like any message collects racks, right?

So it's a movement, yada, yada. People get tattoos. It's a yada, yada. It's a movement, yada, yada. People get tattoos. It's a yada, yada. It's a cult, yada, yada. And it's all good. But, you know, that's how we do it. Got to come clean, my babies.

Got to come clean, dude. And I'll tell you why, dude. And I'll tell you why. And you don't even know. You don't even understand what I'm about to say. But last time I had a podcast episode of congratulations, we had a conversation, me and One Fire and Kristen afterwards, and we were talking about how Carhartt was the new Von Dutch, about how Von Dutch was firing on all syllables for a while, killing it, fucking absolutely changing the game. And then all of a sudden Paris Hilton wore the shit and then it fucking petered out.

Now it's not Paris Hilton's fault, it's Van Dutch's fault. But then Carhartt became that motherfucker, right? Carhartt was pretty cool. All the kids were wearing it and all the fucking guys were wearing those orange beanies with the Carhartt shits. Or if you're a King and the Sting fan, you absolutely wear a Carhartt, right? Carhartt shits, or if you're a King and the Sting fan, you absolutely wear a Carhartt, right? Because there's no such thing as a King and the Sting fan that doesn't have at least two, three articles of Carhartt clothing, okay? And they've got that real industrial shit, but it's not because they're hipsters, it's because they do real industrial shit and they're

in Pittsburgh, right? But I was like, man, I can't believe how I got out of the fucking Carhartt thing without even doing it, because I thought thought I felt the Carhartt pull. I felt the pull. And now it's getting a little bit overboard with the hipsters in Los Angeles with the twisty mustaches wearing a fucking Carhartt industrial cargo pants. Right. Or a nice flannel that's bulky and shit. Like they even wear gloves in the wintertime. And I was like, I got out of it without wearing it.

And then I looked in my closet today. And, oh boy, dude, did I forget about ordering a Carhartt thing a few months ago? And I'm wearing it right now. And I never fucking wore it because I have to expose myself because I got to come clean my babies. I'm, I'm, you know, am I a hipster? Am I industrial? You do the math, do it. I'm a little bit in, right? I'm that industrial hipster? Am I industrial? You do the math, dude.

I'm a little bit, right? I'm that industrial hipster. That's what I am. And I feel a little bit phony, but dude, I completely forgot about having the Carhartt shirt. I really forgot about it. So anyway, that's it, dude. I had to come clean. We got to tell the truth here. We got to fucking talk about the real hard-hitting issues.

And you don't know me if you don't know me, right? And I have to let you know me. um we got to tell the truth here we got to fucking talk about the real hard-hitting issues and you don't know me if you don't know me right and i have to let you know me i started this whole podcast because i still wanted to fucking uh uh i was a little bit trepidatious and starting the podcast if you if you listen to the first or second episode ever i talk about how you know i don't really want you to know who i am i don't really want because i still want to do roles as an as an artist as an actor and shit i mean how mean, how the fuck can I Daniel Day Lewis it up? Right. If you guys know all about my shit, like I'm, I'm exposing myself about Carhartt, but fucking, you don't know what Daniel Day Lewis is really like. You don't know what Leonardo DiCaprio really is like, besides the fact that he

like, you know, wants to save the ocean or whatever, but you don't know if I want to fucking, I didn't want you to know if I, I didn't want you to know if I wanted to save the ocean or whatever, but you don't know if I want to fucking, I didn't want you to know if I, I didn't want you to know if I wanted to save the ocean or not when I started this podcast. And now you're, now you know every, all the fucking ins and outs about me, dude. I mean, I've cried on this podcast, multiple Franken times, sad, all good though. We persevere, we get through it, right? Because because life rips you collect bags or you don't you have limbs or you don't you get cancer or you don't but life rips i mean everybody gets cancer right just depends on when you get it hopefully you're getting it at like 80 something

or even 90 but my point is now now you know me. Whoopsie-daisy. Whoopsie-daisy. Was it by design? No, but it was my destiny, wasn't it? It was, right? Do you believe in destiny or not? Is it a bunch of malarkey?

I don't know. When somebody comes up to me and they say, do you believe in fate? I go like this, dude, I don't really talk or think about that, man. You got the wrong guy, don't you? Guess how many times in my life I've thought about fate? Honestly, give it a good, hard, long thought. Fate, destiny.

Guess how many times in my life? Well, if you're an avid listener, you probably get zero. And you'd be right. Because that's the whole thing. Is it by design life or is choice something? And my whole shit is who fucking cares? We're never going to know. Oh yeah. But those are the earth's unanswered questions. Don't you want to know why we're here? What's the meaning of life? When somebody says, what's the meaning of life? I think, but what do you mean? The meaning of life is whatever you want it to be, isn't it? A lot of parents will say,

the meaning of life is about being a parent. I love my son. I love my daughter. But bro, the meaning of life could be about, I mean, ask Ben and Jerry. It might be ice cream, dude. And if that's the meaning of life for them, then that's the meaning of fucking life. So stop asking me what the meaning of life is if we're just having a conversation. Because it's whatever you fucking make it, dude. Is fate real? I don't know.

Is destiny real? I don't know. Is choice real? Maybe. Feels like I'm choosing, doesn't it? When I look at two pair of shoes and i wear one i chose that one didn't i so i don't get heady and uh i don't get you know i don't get too right i don't get too you know what i'm talking about in my fucking

in my in my in my head, right? But sometimes we start the podcast and we're talking about real hard-hitting issues. You know, some things in life make you sit back and they make you think about it. Like I did The Road, technically. It was an hour away, Oxnard. I did Improv Levity Live. And it was the first time I actually did,

quote unquote, The Road. It's a little bit funny to call Oxnard The road when you live in L.A., but it is. They get comics from all over the place, Los Angeles, you know, but also New York and Boston and Chicago or wherever the fuck lives, wherever. I don't know, Tennessee. And I accepted a weekend. You know, they reached out, and I said, yeah. But, you know, if you want to go on the More Chris D'Elia channel, you can see the vlog there that we did.

We had a lot of end friends, which were King Bach, Trevor Wallace, Brendan Shaw, Brian Callen, and Michael Linoci, and Matty Chimber, which is a new comedian. That's very funny. You should check him out. But we did that in Oxnard, California, and it was awesome. We had a really great time. But I'll tell you, man, driving down there, we got this van, and everybody pil that in oxnard california and it was awesome um we had a really great time but i'll tell you man driving down there we got this van and everybody piled in we made a fucking thing of it it was like 11 people in the van kristin was there too kristin even brought her mom one of the shows um and uh it was uh you know i got in the van got to the got to the place oxnard went into room, and boy, was it a mixed bag of emotions, man.

I don't like when people say stuff like that, but it really was. It was like a bag that I put all my emotions in. And I could look inside of it and think, huh, look at all those emotions. But instead of looking, it was feeling, right? I just wanted to cinch it up, but I couldn't, man. It was like, it was overflowing. Like I, I was a little bit excited, but also thinking, Hmm, I wonder what it'll be like, right? Like two years ago when I would fucking just dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it on the road, just a bink it and a ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, right?

I just do fucking Madison and then Milwaukee and Chicago and a ring, ding, ding, right? I just do fucking Madison and then Milwaukee and Chicago and a ring thing, right? This was a one-off. I was going to be there, do five shows and that's it. And I was going to the show and it was exciting. I got to the green room and immediately I felt this overwhelming sadness. And I don't know what it was. I don't know what it was, but I was excited. I saw the green room and then it was like wow it was like you were transported back now I know the last time I did

the road was about two years ago but it was like I was transported back to legitimately my my mother would like hold me and tell me it's okay or some shit it was back when like i was transported back to another time it was like a past life i mean look i'm still a comedian i do shows at the laugh factory the improv all the time but this was the road technically and i was in the green room and the whole crowd was just waiting for me to go on. But I'm a different, I'm a different man now. Like my son is a huge part of my life. I don't live with the doors closed anymore. I live with them open.

And that's what this whole mixed bags of emotion was because I was feeling everything. And it was fucking insane, man. It was vivid. I was happy and sad and all of it, right? And Kristen showed up with her mom supporting me. And, you know, my real homies were there. And it was a lot. I don't even really know how to describe it. I'm trying here.

Each friend would go up and go on stage and it felt good. It felt good. The applause they got. Everyone was having a great time in the audience. The comedians all killed. And then I went on and the first show I went on was a Friday early show. And I went on and it was amazing. And as soon as I got out there,

they started cheering, you know, loudly for a long time, some bragging, I don't mean to brag, but this is what happened, and I felt behind my face just swell up, and I'm like, ah, for fuck's sake, you know, you get that little taste of copper in the back of your fucking mouth, and you're like, am I going to fucking, is this going to, am I going to start, are my eyes going to cascade? What the fuck? Am I going to turn into a Japanimation character? What the fuck is going on? I let it subside with the crowd and I did my act.

And about, you know, I did 35, 40 minutes, about 25, 20 minutes into my act, I started talking about my son and I fucking couldn't help it. God damn it. I started crying, man. And it just came out. And I said, God damn it. I get to this part and I start crying and everyone was cool with it. And it felt nice to be vulnerable to a bunch of people. it felt nice to be vulnerable to a bunch of people. And it felt natural too, which is the weirdest part. Because all of the stuff that I've been thinking about and doing in the past year and a half or whatever with my family and myself and just other people,

like the walls down shit feels like it's working because when i'm on stage and i can be vulnerable like that i mean it is a far cry from the guy who started this podcast that didn't want to have anyone know who he was. But it's because, if I'm honest, I don't think I wanted to know who I was. I don't think, you know, I talked about this a little bit in my act, but this business, they just fucking reward you for things when you're hot. And it's easy to just lose to that as a weak person or as a person with moments of weakness.

You know? So it's interesting. This journey is another word I don't like because it's like seems pretentious, but it's what it is. Right? And everyone's got their own shit and for the people that came out to my show um thank you for coming i normally start this podcast off ripping and roaring but i don't know i didn't want to or i thought i wanted, but I don't know. I didn't want to, or I thought I wanted to,

but it didn't happen. Just like when I thought I wanted to start the podcast and keep you at arm's length, that didn't happen either. I, I was with, uh, the other night I started doing my group therapy. I was on zoom and I said, good night to Calvin. And he was really fucking tired. And I could tell by the time I got out of my group therapy, he was going to be asleep. I got out at nine and I knew he was gonna be asleep and I got out and I walked upstairs and I noticed on the, on the, the Calvin's door is open. I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

And I go into my bedroom and he's there with Kristen and he's saying, and he's in his sleep sack. And Kristen said he was just up. He was staying up for an hour and he wasn't even, uh, he wasn't even, um, going to sleep. It was just sitting up in his crib. Uh, and so, and so he was sucking his thumb, holding the back of his head Which he always does And Tarzan is blaring I mean Phil Collins is just like Even when he's fucking swinging through vines

Whatever the fuck he's singing You know He's got the long cloth Carefully placed over him When he's swinging through the vines Why don't we show his cock his cock would be flailing around from trunk to trunk we would be showing his trunk but we're not because this is for disney or whatever the fuck you're telling me that when he never climbs he doesn't scrape the

shit out of his cock come on that loincloth isn't even tied under his tank it's just carefully tied around his waist i mean come on you can't even fucking have a robe tied unless it's doubly tied without it opening up and exposing your car Tarzan should have so in conclusion

Tarzan should have a scrapey dick right but it's covered right Because it's Disney right The biggest bullshit In the Disney family Is that Tarzan Doesn't have a scrapey dick

So anyway dude um so anyway where he's there and fucking tarzan's just swinging around with his loincloth around how do you even get it there's just bananas and coconuts and apes how do you even get it does he sew with what hey tarzan nice to meet you where's your scrapey dick right so um even the monkeys are like where's the scrapey dick right so he meets fucking so he's doing it and i and i say what the i say what the fuck kristin and she says he was up he wouldn't go to bed so i brought him in here we're watching tarzan and he looks and coven goes looks at me looks back to tarzan all eyes on tarzan dude my son loves him some tarzan and secretly i was hoping he was going to point to tarzan and say dad because you know tarzan's buff and he's got long hair. And I was like, maybe my son sees me like that. He didn't do it for a while,

but he ended up doing it. He ended up pointing to it and saying, Dada. So that made me feel good. And that's the kind of motherfucking bitch I am, a 41 year old that has a fucking two year old son that gets happy when he points to Tarzan and says, Dada, because then I secretly think, well, maybe my son thinks I'm buff. Got probs. Then I secretly think, well, maybe my son thinks I'm buff. Got probs. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure?

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I mean, he's just like a fucking tree trimmer. Just housing him. He's got two, three in his hands, in his little fucking hands. And I said, what are you watching? And he points. And he ate all the fucking pretzels in the bowl, dude. Right? And Kristen had Chinese food food like a fucking piggy

that she ordered while i was doing my fucking group therapy and it just the whole room stunk like shit right because of the chinese food when someone brings chinese food in and you're not hungry game over dude if you're in a fucking house and somebody and you just ate and somebody brings chinese food over uninvite that motherfucker oh it stinks to high hell huh you know how rude it is to bro that's like one time i was on a plane and somebody brought popeyes on the plane and just started eating this shit and it was like cool i'd rather go down and it was a lady so you can't say anything you know if it's a dude maybe you just give him a look or you'd be like ah bro really you're gonna eat a fucking six piece on a, on the way to Tucson.

So, um, so he's watching the thing and he's eating the pretzels finishes the pretzels and Kristen does a, the most fucking, uh, what do you like the most like dick shit, the most, like, this is what she does she says you want more pretzels and he says yes and she says oh really well do you want dada to go get you more pretzels and now i'm like it's all on my son my laziness rides on my son right because Because if Kristen was like, hey, can you go get pretzels for me? I could reply with, your legs don't work. But she's asking me in front of my blood. She's asking me in front of my son. And if I disobey Kristen in front of my son, he grows up and he fucks up life. I'm trying to limit those. I don't want my son to be a Chippendales dancer, right? I don't want my son to hold up banks. So now she hits me,

well, through Calvin, secretly hits me with the, hey, Calvin, do you want, do you want dad, dad to go get pretzels? Oh, and my son knows those words. So I'm sitting waiting, dude, waiting for my son to answer. And he looks into my eyes, past my face and says, yeah, shh. Well, I guess I'm moving. Ain't that just like life, man? You used my son to thwart my laziness. Un-fucking-believable, dude. Kristen, unbelievable you used my son to thwart my laziness.

So I get up and I say, sure, and guess what? I'm fucking happy about it it that's the most annoying part because i love my son yes so i'm going downstairs i fill it up with pretzels and i dude this is how good of a dad i am i don't even do it with one version of pretzels we got three versions of pretzels i had the twisty shits the stick shits and the pretzel chips bro i put them all in like like it was fucking cereal dude i put them all in like like it was fucking cereal dude i put them all in the bowl like it was my emotions in oxnard dude and i brought it upstairs and i'm mumbling well i'm not mumbling but i might as well be because in my head i'm thinking

one pretzel well i fucking dad went down and you get to thwart my laziness and we got three fucking things well so i bring them up dude and you know know when you're riding with a certain type of shit. When you're riding, when you're snacking, when you're out there and you're snacking. Maybe you're watching Shark Tank, but you're out there snacking. And you know you're riding with a certain type of chip. What are you going to do? You're going to remain with that chip, aren't you? Right?

You got sour cream and onion. And then you got fucking mesquite flavor. And then you got pretzels. If you're fucking with sour cream and onion, that bag is going to be empty before you even touch mesquite shit, before you even breathe on the pretzels. And my son was rocking with the twisty shits. Well, I brought the twisty shits. I brought the sticks up and the pretzel chips, bro. We got it all. And I give it to him and I think, I wonder if he's going to do like dad that does and only rock with the twisty shits. And sure enough, he only rocked with the twisty shits. But then Kristen told me something that was so fucking cute.

When I got there, he said, she said, I can't believe what he just did. I said, what? And she said, and she said, halfway in the middle of while you were there, he looked at me with his palms up and he goes, Dada. Like he was fucking impatient, dude. Hey man, you don't even really know how time works, okay? You haven't even lived two years. Dude, I've waited for shit longer than you've been alive. And this guy's pissed off with how long I'm taking, dude. Don't go palms up to Dada. Oh, dude, you go palms up.

You're not a bad kid. You're a good boy. Just maybe figure out how time works before you go palms up with Dada. That's all. Bro, it was hilarious. Dada? And then he goes and takes two and fucking didn't eat the chips

or the sticks, just the twisty shits. So he rides like dada with the chips uh and it was cute and we watched fucking uh tarzan and and for a little bit and i oh dude and i was getting so tired and she put calvin to bed in the in his in his crib and then i was so tired dude and i started falling asleep and god damn it dude why what i get i wonder if you does this happen to you guys too do you have like a a girlfriend or a wife or a fiance or whatever the fuck you got and you live with someone and you're fucking sleeping it's like 10 30 p.m right and you're falling asleep and they fucking wait hey hey do you want to get ready for bed hey i skipped that part and then you're just like guess i'll be up for another three and a half

hours dude i skipped the part what the fuck is what what what are you all how come you're all chronological now when i'm sleeping what are we doing i just lived a fucking i'm doing i'm my day was like a quentin tarantino movie it was all out of order and now you're like trying to fucking assemble it and sell it in a disc set like it's a like it's a fucking something they're trying to push on christmas and when they did that with the godfather it was like you can now own the godfather in chronological order and my dad scooped it up quicker than bet dude he was in line waiting it waiting outside of best buy just like dude he watched this he watches the godfather always after christmas and he just fucking he couldn't wait till that d came out it was like nine DVDs dude

everyone shit was nine DVDs long dude just put it on one goddamn thing and now it's not even physical it's not even tangible but god when that chronological fucking godfather came out my dad was about it about it dude so I'm like you you want me to get all fucking chronological i'm sleeping already and she's like oh i don't know you know and then and then it's like you can't get mad oh because oh you didn't know and then no matter what you say you're the bad guy how do you not know i'm sleeping well i just thought maybe i don't know because your eyes you take a contact or maybe you have to or you know and you're just like yeah yeah yeah you win once again you win once again ma'am so i'm now i get now i'm trying to sleep and i'm but i'm pissed you know the heat's rising

in my chest and so i'm like okay, okay, well, fucking shit, man. You made me get up and get the pretzels. You fucking combated my laziness through my son. And now I'm sitting here fucking, I did the thing, and now I'm falling asleep. And you want me to wake up to go to sleep? So now I'm just fucking in the bath. And now the heat's rising, right? My heart's getting full, but not with love.

So I'm like going, I go to the bathroom. I bathroom i get ready i brush my teeth i take my fucking contacts out and then i come back i go to and jude she's watching and i she's watching something on world war ii and i'm and so and now i'm going to sleep i'm trying to fall asleep again and i can't do it and i didn't go to sleep till like 2 a.m. Isn't that great? Isn't that fucking great, dude? So, I finally fell asleep and I fucking, dude, I got to, and the boy,

and also, the boy's office, Gabba Penton, the boy's off Zanny Island. I don't even fuck with that shit anymore. I was on it. And people would talk like, oh, you take,

you do Xanax. Be careful. Dude, I never, I don't do that shit. I just did it every now and then, right? To quell my shit, to try and fucking calm me down. But I don't do that shit i just did it every now and then right to quell my shit to try and fucking calm me down but i don't do that anymore and if you notice on this podcast i could i don't reach for words gabapentin would fucking cloud my shit up i don't reach for

words at all dude i probably couldn't have got that word chronological a minute ago if i if i was on my gabapentin so yeah man but that was so funny with calvin and the pretzels about how he asked for where the fuck dad that is dude as a dad you don't give a fuck that's the thing like as a kid remember when when you were a kid and you would do something and your mom would be like wow um that's at least you know i had a good family so my mom that is very wow look at what you did. And you're just like, huh? I'm fucking 10. I put on my shirt.

You know, I lifted up a fucking, like a, like a fucking jug of milk. Like what? No, I am proud of you. You figured out how to put that top on all by yourself. And you're like, mom, like I opened up a bank account fucking a week ago. I know how to do this shit, but like, and you, and, and now that you're the dad, you're like, oh, isn't it cute, he said, where's dad at, because he was impatient for the fucking pretzels, it's crazy how much life changes, and I used to hate that shit, dude,

when I was 16, my fucking girlfriend broke my heart, started dating my friend, and that was the moment that I started listening to Tupac. And dude, if you thought I was raw in 2017, you thought I was raw in 2017, bro? I ain't got no motherfucking friends. That's why I fucked your bitch. 2017 bro that's why I fucked your bitch man in motherfucking in 1996 forget it dude

I was annoying as shit one time my uncle said who do you think did more for America Tupac or Abe Lincoln and without a without hesitation I said Tupac and my uncle laughed like hell.

He laughed so hard. I was 16. He asked me in the middle of me boxing a punching bag. Eh? Se? La cañada. Um, but yeah. It is what it is

fuck man how about fucking uh pit bull doing this tweet i don't know if it went viral or not did it it did go viral oh wow okay wow. Okay. Hey, Pitbull, what's going on? Goddamn. Pitbull tweeted this thing, Monday Motivation. So people are confused by this. Not just us. Okay. So it's a picture of him staring out of a window, pensive, like he's up to something. And it says, you don't make mistakes. Mistakes make you. First of all, makes no sense. That makes no sense, right? No, you make mistakes. You don't get to rearrange the English language to your liking. You get right. It's not even your first language.

What are you trying to do here? Isn't Pitbull from somewhere else? And like, you're just coming in here. You're like, no, no, listen, dude. You put mistakes. Mistakes make you. You know that, right? Anyway, here's my hit Kulo.

Doesn't Kulo mean pussy, by the way? In fucking... Anyway, here's my hit pussy. Anyway, this is my hit single, Snatch. Anyway, dude. Yeah, dude, you don't make mistakes. Mistakes makes you anyway. Here's my new, here's my new fucking, here's my new single fried butterfly.

Here we go. It means ass. Okay, cool. Well, either way, Kulo means ass. Here's my, here's my, you don't make mistakes. Mistakes make you anyway. Here's my new hit single shitter. Um, so it says you don't make mistakes mistakes make you anyway here's my new hit single shitter um so it says you don't make mistakes mistakes make you therefore like in shakespeare dude remember when you were writing an essay in high school and you needed

to do it past a certain fucking amount of word count and you just fucking therefore and however it up you'd even throw alas in there like you're a like your name's fucking like you're cyrano de bergerac what the fuck the fuck bergerac de cyrano fucking god damn it there what's that i don't that's not even because of gavapentin i'm just a stupid motherfucker cyrano how about that dude and uh he says therefore dude in a fucking sa you therefore however alas And he says, therefore, dude, in a fucking essay, therefore, however, alas. He says, you don't make mistakes. Mistakes make you.

Therefore, they're mustakes. What does it mean, though? God, imagine. Here's all you have to do is to realize how fucking insanely, insanely stupid that is. Imagine you're hanging out with your friends and he's kind of the guy that's like right here, like not in the circle, but also listening. And then he throws that in. How much would that ruin the goddamn time? You'd be like, yeah, man, let's go. Hey, you know know you don't make mistakes mistakes make you therefore the must takes and you're like

oh fuck yeah that's cool what does it mean though must i i i asked one fire i was like what does it what does must takes mean and he was like i't, because they're saying mistakes make you, maybe it's like you, the you in must takes. And I was just like, that's what he means? And then I was like, is it must takes? Also, what? Must takes? Like, you must take something?

What? What? Must take? Like, you must take something? What? Like, his fucking social media guy was like, okay, cool, yeah, I'll do that. Ah.

Also, one of the rare times his sunglasses aren't on, so you know he thought it was deep as shit, because I've never seen Pitbull's eyes. Also, Monday motivation. Imagine seeing that and being like cool gotta get after it unreal made a song called culo i love that shit dude that's hilarious hey man don't be inspirational if you made a song about an asshole. Imagine being fucking Pitbull's dad and you just, no matter what he said, you were like, oh yeah, but dad, you made a song about an ass.

Although my son will be, I mean, Jesus Christ, all the shit I've said on this podcast. Um, fucking unreal, dude. Kulo! People are absolutely insane. How about that guy who fucking stands right... Dude, I have a friend that does that, that just is right there all the time. You know?

He's one of those friends. Everyone has that friend. If you don't, you should too. Because this dude's a down-ass homie. Let me tell you about this down-ass homie that everybody should have in their't, you should too. Cause this dude's a down ass homie. Let me tell you about this down ass homie that everybody should have in their friend, in their friend group. Cause this motherfucker is a down ass homie. Like I'll cry. This dude will cry with me, but he is always, this is how this dude is. He's a really close friend of mine. And this is how he is. I always think whenever we're, we're out or we're with people or we're at one of my shows,

I always think, say his name. I don't want to out out him but say his name is steve i'll be like where's steve and halfway through his name i go oh right he's right there that's a down ass homie the guy that's just kind of lurking in shit where the fuck is oh yeah of course that guy's a down ass homie um but yeah the uh uh yeah he came to oxnard and I was like, oh, okay. He's right there. I can't buy the, every now and then life throws you something or the world, the world throws you something that you swear was a thing already because it was so goddamn obvious. And you were like, and you're like, oh, this does, I've never, you ever, um, hold on to me. You ever, you ever like see something and add for something or an invention or a show or something?

And it's like, oh, but that was already, oh. And they're, and they're like, Hey, this is new. And you're like, no, it's not new. This has been around. And you're like, oh, I guess I just never fucking, it just seems like such an idea that would have been around that, that, that now it's around. And you're like, no, I knew that. And you're like, am I psychic?

Dude, the fucking judge, Steve Harvey, the fact that that hasn't been a thing from 1999 on is unreal. As a matter of fact, how did Steve Harvey get a daytime talk show before he was a judge on a bullshit show? Dude, judge Steve Harvey. How is that? Honestly, how are those judge shows? Like those guys all make $9 billion a year. What's her name? Fucking judge Judy. You have a job? No. Get one! Remember that commercial? Dude, it would be on the radio when you were going to school. You'd be like, Judge Judy, KCAL 9.

KCAL 9. Judge Judy, you have a job? No. Get one! The no is always off mic because the fucking guy didn't know where to stand because he was just a civilian, not an entertainer. Dude, Judge Judy was the, she's still alive, right? She's the biggest asshole.

And I'm at, dude, here's something that Judge Judy, you know, is true about Judge Judy. If you fucking were invited to her house for dinner, she, you would walk away thinking, well, that was the most pleasant lady i've ever met you'd be walking home with shit like god damn she really with the green beans and they were better than i thought i didn't know i like green bean casserole turns out judge judy cooks up main dish and a job no no this is what it was like dude you have a jab no get one and dude it was bro that was the clip they'd use for the radio my god and you just be like this fucking asshole is she even a real judge now you're gonna give a shit dude how do these motherfuckers how does

it work you get it no you're wrong you're gonna give them nine hundred dollars thanks case closed what i don't even have a job get one and that other one math judge mathis that guy the face on that guy the matter of fact dude the face on that guy was so, so, if you looked up the term over it, like if you Google over it, Mathis is probably on the third row, just a bunch of pics of him just like, mm-hmm. Bro, it's hilarious that Steve Harvey just watching Mathis after he would get home from his daytime talk show, just watching Mathis, just fuming, knowing like, yeah, but no, I could do this better. And now he's got the show and Steve Harvey goes like this. Oh, you think that face was the face for this? No, no, no. I mean, Steve Harvey's face, Steve Harvey literally looks like someone is wearing Steve Harvey's face.

That guy's unreal. I mean, dude, I've been canceled. Fuck it. I can say this. But like he, his face literally, you literally look at his face and you think, am I racist? Like that's how much his face is his face.

And this guy saw Judge Mathis and he was like, nah, not that. Oh, you think you're over it? Judge Mathis was like this. Steve Harvey's going to be like this. The most over it shit ever, dude. I mean, for fuck's sake dude uh sorry you need to take a pee pee break uh but i'm back and if you're listening you had no clue and i just i just exposed myself so uh not expose myself in the pee pee way but expose myself and

it doesn't matter anyway um yeah what do you call it uh i was watching about how the the fucking uh how what's his name uh fucking the rapper uh mgk machine gun kelly was trying to ask uh megan fox to marry, uh, I looked at that and when he dressed like Beetlejuice and he did it, that's hilarious. He was like, or, or somebody put the meme up when the foot is like when the footlocker, uh, gets down on your, on their knee to put their shoe, their shoe on you, your shoe on you.

I mean, I'm butchering it, but that was just hilarious. Like what are you, what are you doing wearing white and black stripes? What are the Hamburglar? And so they, he gave her a ring and it looked nice enough. Sure, of course. And then they're talking about how Megan Fox's engagement ring is designed to hurt her if she takes it off. engagement ring is designed to hurt her if she takes it off and it's like dude it's supposed to be difficult to fucking take off

it's supposed to have thorns in it thorns quote unquote let's look at this let's look at this let's lift this up megan fox ring bro that's so i know it's i know it's for the shock value and shit and like for it's a it's real love but like it's also fancy you know what i mean like you're not going anywhere like it's so something and that would happen that would start doing in 1980s that just we missed and machine gun kelly is doing it and like it's also so something that if i did it would have backfired and people would have called me out on it. They would have been like, oh, really? She can't go anywhere? How much are

Russians looking at this? They're just like, I can't believe he figured this out. We never got to do this. We own our women. I don't understand how stupid, wavy, white American rapper figured out how to do this with supermodel actors.

I want to put on my girl. Now people are going to think I copy. Machine Gun Kelly says Megan Fox's engagement ring was designed to hurt her if she takes it off. Well, he's just like, yeah, this way I didn't have to have a gun. This way I didn't have to threaten her.

This shit. What is is this from people it's fucking shit dude the bands are actually thorns machine gagelito vogue of new fiance megan fox unique custom two-stone engagement ring the bloody valentine musician equipment what about love is pain what what is this shit about blood and like pain with love like love is just love people are just like love is pain what what is this shit about blood and like pain with love like love is just love people are just like love is pain yeah the fucking what's it what's his name billy bob thornton and uh angelina jolie wearing each other's blood on around their neck it's like what just love each just cuddle no but it's blood to show the token of that. No, just cuddle. Hey, instead of that, just hold each other's hands. Yeah, but I love her. Okay. Yeah, but I want to show the world that, okay, take a picture, put it on Instagram. Imagine if you just, oh, what's that in your

purse? Oh, that's my boyfriend's liver. What the fuck? Yeah, I love him. I want people to know when I take out a tip, when I take out and put a tip for the waiter, I want them to see his liver in my purse because I want the world to know that I love my boyfriend. In the meantime, the boyfriend's in the car just bleeding out, spitting up blood. But do you love me? Clear. Oh, I see the problem man you kept his liver

like how do you like what the fucking why didn't you just cuddle with him I needed to show his love I'm sorry blood like could have AIDS in it you're playing basketball with it on it fucking breaks and shit could have AIDS in it.

You're playing basketball with it on and it fucking breaks and shit. Oh, shit, dude. I got to tell the guy who was guarding me, he might have HIV. Insane. Blood. I never thought blood was sexy at all. Some people think blood is fucking,

you know what I mean? It's like, the chicks who think that serial killers are hot. Ooh, they joke around about that. No, you don't, dude. Your dad didn't die that early. Get out of here. Yeah, but Ted Bundy, are you kidding me, dude? Yeah, but have you seen the pictures of Ted Bundy?

Dude, if Ted Bundy was in a room with fucking you know you'd be like what is what get away what is he charismatic for a serial killer you're not thinking further far enough it's like when it's like when uh fucking uh chicks it's like when like they're like oh yeah well it's like you know what it's like when fucking chicks, it's like when they're like, oh, yeah. It's like, you know what it's like when fucking, what was his name? Jon Hamm was in Bridesmaids. And people are like, well, he was fucking funny.

The movie was funny. Oh, yeah, Jon Hamm is funny? He's fine, dude. He's, yeah, he's fine. Put fucking Norm MacDonald in it. He's funny. Chris Farley, I'm just saying dead guys, but it's like, dude, oh yeah,

Jon Hamm? Fuck outta here. He's funny for the way he looks. Yeah, okay. Think it through! Think it further! looks yeah okay think it through think it further he's playing ymca basketball with a bunch of fucking other fat guys that's what it is he's not patrick goddamn ewing um um, so yeah. All right. We're going to do some misconnections and here's the deal, dude. I had somebody write in on the Patreon. Can you explain to viewers what misconnections are before jumping in? Still kind of confused and all that. Now don't want to say, figure it out or think further, but I will, I understand. Okay. This is what Miss Connections is. First of all, it is time for Miss Connections. And, um, cause I do that

cause I'm a talk show host, right? Worst job ever to be a talk show host. And so, um, but, uh, Miss Connections are something, it's something on Craigslist that people go to yes lonely people as a matter of fact if you're on craigslist you're lonely period i don't care if you're looking for a fucking microwave you're looking for something to fill that hole aren't you so misconnections is when if i go out and i see somebody at the fucking home goods and i'm picking up something from my home goods shit and i go i'm waiting in line and i notice a lady that's kind of staring at me but i'm too bitch to say anything and then i grab whatever the fuck i got like some you know some nice fancy balls i want to put under

my tv or right in front of the as a centerpiece to the you know some ceramic balls you can get those at home goods who the fuck's going to home goods really just people who are bored out of their goddamn minds right like what's at home like people women are walking out with home goods like a fucking with like a straw witch you know yeah but i want to put it on my out out near my house okay you're just buying things you're just fucking taking things that are in a place and putting them in another place you don't really have it you die and it's just gonna you just transferred it and you paid to do it anyway when you're leaving home goods and with the straw witch and ceramic balls and you and you're too bitch to say somebody say something to somebody else who you think is attractive and they're holding their own straw witch and ceramic balls and you and you're too bitch to say somebody say something to somebody else who you think is attractive and they're holding their own straw witch and ceramic balls

and you go into your fucking key and you drive home to your one bedroom apartment and you're lonely right you're setting up your balls and you're lonely as shit and you got your straw witch and you put it there you're like you know it would be nice to look at this thing that I transferred from one place to another with someone else. So they know that I transferred it. I want to share this experience of transferring these fucking ceramic balls into my one-bedroom apartment from this goddamn warehouse that took my money. I want to share that experience. I want to watch those ceramic balls with someone else.

And then you think, oh yeah, that lady, that lady in HomeGoods that I was too bitch about to talk to. I could have struck up a conversation. I could have said, hey, lady, you're a fan of ceramic balls and straw witches too. And the love could have blossomed. And we could have had a child that we raised in this beautiful, well-decked out, ceramic balled up, straw witch, one bedroom apartment. And we could have raised this child and this child could have grown up and we could have taught him shit and there could have been so much love in our family and then one day this kid could grow up to go to a

different home goods and get fucking his own ceramic balls with straw witches and met another person well i could have done that but i missed the moment i didn't connect with the lady with the ceramic balls and the straw witch. So I'm now on this lonely site called Craigslist. And maybe she's here too. And you sit and you write Whittier

Home Goods and the subject wittier home goods and the subject that's the subject in the body you write you had long brown hair were holding ceramic balls and a straw witch i was too lol looking to see if you're here because I'd like to meet you. And that's how you connect because she happens to be on the website too. Now, I don't know who does PR for this bullshit. I don't know anybody who does PR for this bullshit besides me here on this congratulations podcast.

I don't know if it works. I'm sure it's worked in the past, but that's what Miss Connections is. It's a thing on, excuse me while I fucking throw up almost, but it's a thing on Craigslist that you can go to a section. And here is the first entry that we are going to talk about this week. Ellie, Culver City. Hey, Ellie, let's celebrate the long weekend. Send a pic or name of club and valley you would go so I know it's you. and send a pic or name of club in Valley,

you would go, so I know it's you. Eh. Seh. Lonely. Hey, guy. Text her. Oh, you don't have her number? Eh.

Seh. One-bedroom apartment. Not knocking it. Lonely. Here's the next one. Today is when this one's just smooth. It's called, that's the subject. Today is Wednesday. I like how he starts off fucking punctual like that. Going to go home after work and shave my whole body smooth, putting on some makeup and getting all dolled up for top masculine men only looking like a Latina tonight. Wow. Wow. Looking like a Latina tonight. That's like the fucking, can you get canceled for just being on Craigslist? You can't do that shit. That's cultural appropriation.

What if the guy showed up with a fucking rock hard cock and he was just like, wait, what? Wait a minute. Are you Latino? No, but I'm looking like it. That's cultural appropriation what if the guy showed up with a fucking rock hard cock and he was just like wait what wait a minute are you latino no but i'm looking like it that's cultural appropriation and he walked away with this fucking rock hard cock here's another one lost keys is the subject here we go lost my keys if anyone found a set of keys please respond wow guy doesn't really understand the fucking doesn't really understand the idea of misconnections. Lost keys. Wow, what a bunch of fucking shit ones, huh? Wow, one fire is getting a fucking one fire for those three.

Those are about some keys looking like a Latina and then a guy's just looking for his friend to Ellie. At least I described misconnections well. So now you know what the fuck it is. What? There's more there's not more wow fucking bad job dude oh he said i thought there was more dude worst fucking guy at his job uh all good dude all good that's good for now, man. What, did we do an hour? Did we do an hour?

We did an hour, right? Dude, I love you guys, man. Thanks for listening to my podcast. And I'll tell you this much, man. We started off on an emotional journey. And I appreciate you letting me do that. I usually fucking just hit hard and swoop down like a motherfucking phoenix, right? And I give it to you.

Bang, bang, bang. Before I ease back. Before I ease back. and swoop down like a motherfucking phoenix right and i give it to you bang bang bang before i ease back before i ease back take the take the foot off the pedal a little bit and just start coasting and telling you some nice stories but this time what i do i kind of fucking took my time accelerating right and that's okay because this podcast is fly by the seat of our pants i wrote down four topics and i fucking i think i own what what is it one more misconnection there is and so fucking fired i don't oh you found another one right now is what you're saying oh my god here's another one here's the subject. The Mexican I met in the park.

It's racist, dude. In Bushwick Ridgewood. Made up place. You are a Mexican macho. Wow. This is for sure from a fat, short, bald guy. And we met while smoking a large cigar in Maria Hernandez Park. I am the white boy, very submissive, and I worshiped your cock in my house. Wow, dude.

I want to do it again. I want to be your whore. Yeah, well, that was obvious when you said you worshiped his cock in your house. Oh, my God, dude. Do not contact me with some less listed services or offers it says another one oh yeah that was a good one for sure dude unreal um remember you remember when i worshiped your cock in my house one of that reminds me of the thing i used to know a dude who used to say every time he get we get mad at somebody he would fucking like one of his friends he would be talking about it with

his other friends and he was one of those guys dude he would do this all the time he'd be like you don't understand man this motherfucker i invite him into my home it's like dude what the fuck bro what do you think you are this guy comes into my home. I break bread with this motherfucker. Like, dude, shut the fuck up. I invite him into, I invite you into my home. He get mad. I invite you into my home like his home was some fucking palace. Who gives a shit? Guy's seen too many movies.

Anyway, dude, crystalia.com for that merch. There's a new colorway with the blue life rips killing it. And we got them hats too. We go crazy on those motherfuckers. Hey hey guys that's it for this episode of congratulations if you want to catch the rest of the episode uh the uncut version not the youtube version the patreon version you're going over to our patreon.com slash crystalia it is always longer and more uncut no youtube ads uh and uh it's six dollars a month we also have other segments that we do that we put on there, and we have behind-the-scenes footage

from my road dates and shit like that. We can get all the content there, patreon.com slash chrystalia. Go now, and if you don't, it's all good. We appreciate you. Congratulations! Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations

Congratulations Congratulations! Congratulations motherfucking Bob, you scared fucking man! Congratulations motherfucking Ryan, you motherfucking clown! You motherfucking... Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi. Lots of money. Hi hi hi.