Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 234. Humble Chris With The Bloody Guts

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris meets a French fan, discovers the BYU Virginity Club, and weighs in on the Neil Young vs. Rogan Spotify battle. Plus Missed Connections and another visit from those wacky Island Boys! 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey, guys, what's up? And welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, what's up and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. That's it, we restocked the new Life Rips. We restocked the new Life Rips colorways.

We got them all. We got the blue. We got the green. We got the orange. I don the green. We got the orange. I don't even know, dude. But that doesn't, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, dude. A lot of you guys got all four colorways.

A lot of you guys are like, when are you going to restock the pink shit? Pink was one of them. And a lot of you guys are like, when are you going to restock this? And we restocked it. And the blue is the new one. And the blue is going crazy, dude. If you want to support the show, it's crystalia.com to get some merch. And that's what's up.

You know, we appreciate you listening we appreciate you listening on patreon patreon.com slash chris d'alia you get an extra episode a month and some other stuff uh behind the scenes on the with chris videos and then also you get or uh you get other stuff too but if you want if you're not on patreon and you're just watching on youtube uh we appreciate we appreciate that we appreciate there too so um yeah man shit shit got a little bit out of hand today guess what i had to do i had to get starbucks starbucks sucks dick doesn't it it sucks so bad doesn't it it tastes like the back of a cow's mouth had to go in had to scoop it up real quick dude because your buddy was short on time because your boy's been busy lately but it's all good dude but he's been busy lately and

he posted an instagram picture and people said he looked happy and he is dude some days he's not happy and some days he is happy and you gotta roll with them days that are happy dude because life rips man and that's fine man some days are gonna be good and some days are gonna be bad wow i'm literally speaking like i'm gonna kill myself tomorrow tomorrow, but it's okay. I'm not, dude. Everything's great, and we shouldn't make fun of suicide. But yeah, dude, the new life rips colorways, and oh, man, I fucking got on cameo, and whoopsie daisy, I didn't mean to get it all backed up, but your boy has to do some right now. He's like fucking a lot deep in there, and he's got to start. He's got to really, really, maybe after this podcast, if I'm not tired of talking, I got

to really got to get in there and start doing these cameos and getting them done because I got a lot of them backlogged and it's going to take a long time, but whatever, dude, collecting racks, you got to collect racks, dude, you got to collect racks. So we appreciate you guys, dude. Um, and that's what's done. That's really, you know, I don't know. I've been doing this fight companion thing. I like it. I did a bunch of episodes of King of the Sting, it was really nice, uh, I got a, we got a special one coming out, uh, Thursday, King of the Sting, you guys are gonna be loving that one, dude, uh, mum's the word, but you're gonna be loving that one, and, uh, yeah, dude, so, I got a new car, and I'm not gonna tell you what it is, you'll have to see on

the With Chris video shit, I may put it up there, but I'll give you a hint, dude. It's got bloody guts. I'll give you a hint, though, dude. Is it that time of the month for my car? Because it's on its period, if you know what I mean. Oh, dude, he's going to be killing them with the windows down. It's just going to be insane, man. It's got bloody guts, dude. It's got plenty of guts, dude.

That's fine. Open the window. Let me see. We're bleeding in here. Tabasco? What is it? So that's it, man. Fuck yeah, dude.

But I'm feeling good today, man. I saw a picture. I saw two pictures of myself. I saw one picture of myself. I looked very happy and very nice. I saw another picture of myself and I looked, I looked gray, a little, looked a little bit translucent. I don't know what color I am. I need a tan, dude. I really need a tan. And I feel good though. I've been eating healthy, you know, except for the Nashville hot chicken sandwiches at the improv. Bro, I go to the improv when I do the improv, when I do the Hollywood improv, I go in there and there I'm like, I go to the improv. When I do the Hollywood improv, I go in there and I'm on my meals, dude.

I eat tuna for lunch and then I have a little bit of a snack and it might be like a chicken dish with some nice Brussels sprouts or something. I get it from Chef Mike. He delivers the food and he cooks it up nice. Chef Mike, he's on Instagram. And it's a beautiful thing, man. I mean, eating those motherfuckers, sometimes I throw it in a pan. I mean, it's nice in a microwave, but if you really put something in a beautiful thing, man. I mean, eating those motherfuckers, sometimes I throw it in a pan. I mean, it's nice in a microwave, but if you really put something in a pan, forget it.

All of a sudden, you're Gordon Ramsay. All of a sudden, you're Emeril with the boom, or bam, what do you say, bam? Dude, you put shit in a microwave, it's okay, right? Sometimes you feel like you could taste the microwave, you put it in a pan, forget it, dude. It's like you just shot that chicken. So I'll go crazy, I'll put it in a pan, man., dude. It's like you just shot that chicken. So I put it, I'll go crazy.

I'll put it in a pan, man. I'll put some olive oil on the pan and then I'll just toss some chicken on there or whatever. If it's some beef fucking bites, I'll put some beef on there, whatever it is, dude. He packages it up nicely. And then I just keep it like that. And then I eat it.

And then I go to the fucking improv and they're like, what would you like? And I walk into the improv thinking, I've been healthy. Let's keep it healthy healthy let's maybe drink some water some carbonated water you know how i do it right with the lacroix at home but they don't have it they don't have the lacroix out in a lot of places they don't have it at the improv i could say i wanted in my rider but i'm not a cocksucker like that you know i'm not a fucking i'm not a diva i'm just humble chris right so i go in and i fucking, I'm humble Chris driving to the

club with some bloody guts, right? So I go into the fucking place. I mean, I'm humble Chris, my car's on, it's that time of the month for my car, but I'm humble Chris when I walk in, you know? And I could say, I want LaCroix stacked to the gills, but I don't. I just get the bubbling water. Okay. So I walk in, I get the bubbling water. I want to be healthy. And I walk in, I say, let's be healthy, get a salad. And they asked me what I want immediately. And I look at them in their eyes and I say, without hesitation, Nashville hot chicken sandwich. It's like, I didn't have the pep talk. I gave up when it comes to Nashville hot chicken sandwiches. I give up. And here's the fucking real kicker dude i'm not even a fan of

fried chicken what i'm not even a fan of fried chicken what dude then what the fuck why does he get it oh it's because i'm a fan of what's spicy and those shit go bonkers fire when you eat them i mean my whole place the whole fucking inside of my mouth dude i mean it's just speaking of emerald bam in my mouth bro you got to keep eating it's that kind of spicy we got to keep eating because if you don't fucking keep eating and you take a break all of a sudden you're you're you're you're gonna die because it's so hot but if you keep eating you're good because your mouth is moving, right? It's a lot like life.

Just keep moving, dude. Shit gets spicy, but keep chewing. Shit gets spicy, but we keep chewing. And Winefire's laughing because I'm not making much sense, but I am in my own way, right? We're all hooked into this matrix. Dude, this is the log cabin corner, okay?

You get it. People have been talking about the metaverse the metaverse is all right man we're the meta the metaverse dude we've been in here you feel that grass right i mean it's not real but you feel it you feel that tall grass don't you run your palms on it does that tickle, we just walk out of a log cabin? Because it sure is nice outside What are you wearing, white? Sit down, let's share ideas This is a cult, okay?

So this metaverse is like Oh yeah, metaverse is hot right now Bro, we've been in this metaverse, man We're sitting in this log cabin I'm not with you physically, but I'm with you And you're with me And that's how we get through life You've been through dark times. I've been through dark times. We've been through dark times while we listened to this podcast. I took a break. I came back better than ever, dude.

We're good. We got each other. We're listening. Okay. And we listened to each other. Mostly you just listen to me, but you know how it is. So I got to the improv the other day. day i was doing a show there i don't remember what it was but uh it might have been brendan schaub and friends or i can't really remember but i got there and i did the show and when i got there i got off stage and some lady came up to me afterwards and she said hi and i was like oh this is a french film right because you look kind of like you know you know why i thought you know why i knew she was french before she even started talking is because she was, uh, one of those kinds of fucking people that you think is ugly. And then in like three seconds, you're like, oh no, they're not ugly. This is actually one of the most attractive people I've ever seen in my life.

You know what I'm talking about? French people will really kill you with that shit. A French woman at that will come up to you and she'll be like, hi. And you'd be like, I don't know. I don't have the time because I was just, and then you'll look at her and you'll, and you'll immediately just like the, you'll focus in on it. And you'll be like, oh, the nose threw me off, but you're a 10. Oh, those teeth look crowded as shit, but in a way it works for you. Oh, too much gel in your hair. And I like

the natural shit, but baby, isn't that just your style, right? You make me want to be a citizen of the blue, white, and red or whatever their flag is. I have no idea because I'm a dumb fuck, but still she come up to me and she was like, hi. She was so French that when she was talking, it already felt like she was touching my face. And I said, yeah, hi. I thought she was like hi she was so french that when she was talking it already felt like she was touching my face and i said yeah hi i thought she was ugly quickly realized one of the most attractive human beings in my life okay all good and by the way i didn't say sexy i didn't say good looking there's a there's a huge difference between good looking, sexy, hot, and then just plain old attractive. Right? Do you know what I'm talking about?

With those striking features? Because if you're attractive, you can get away with having a fucking bonkers ugly nose. Or a weird mouth. Or maybe your lips don't match your face. I'm secretly talking about me. But you can get away with being attractive, right? Because there's like this aura about you. But you can get away with being attractive, right? Because there's like this aura about you, this French charm. I don't remember what she was wearing, but it was all one piece

of fabric, right? It wasn't pants and a shirt. It could have been a sundress. It could have been a jumpsuit. It was all one piece of fabric. I have no idea. And she was just like, hi. And I said, oh, hi, how you doing? And she said, I'm a big fan. Do you mind if I take a picture with you? And I said, sure, why not? And we took a picture and she said, I just want to tell you, when you were gone for a long time, it is amazing you came back.

I really, we miss you. You know, you have fans out there. And I said, oh, thank you very much. And then I went to go take a picture with someone else. And then she popped by like it was the sequel, right? Like we shot a whole French film. It was over. And then she popped by and wanted to say something else.

Like it was the sequel. And she said, can I also say something else for you? And I said, well, sure. She was nice enough. And I, and she said, I just want to say that everybody has their problems and it is okay. And we don't judge you for that. And we don't care. We are your fans. but you look skinny i said huh she said i want to make sure you're healthy because you look skinny and i said oh no i'm i'm good i'm a beefcase cake you know it's crazy like

my shoulders go on for days and i but she broke me dude you know like i was i wanted to go into that mode like no it's fine look sweetheart they they shoot the Lord of the Rings on my back. I mean, Hollywood's on location right here. And she says, you're skinny. And I was like, and it kind of broke me a little bit, you know, it was like a real moment. She was like, I hope you're healthy and you're eating. Okay. But you look skinny. And I was like, well, well, thanks for caring, you know know And then I walked out and I told my friend What the fuck happened and he was like My friend is so fucking

He's like so boring he was just like Well you know what it is You know it's a real like middle It's European It's a very European thing to say And I was like yeah bro I didn't want to do this whole thing Okay Some chick called me skinny and it's fine, dude.

I got lost in a French moment. That's it. I got lost in a French fucking, I had a French connection and this fucking chick told me that I was skinny. And now I got to worry about doing some fucking dips and chin-ups, man. I mean, I'm like, sorry, strong guys. Of course, I'm like to the limit with my fucking striations. But this chick just broke me immediately by having a moment man that's that french connection man only french people

could really break you like that honestly so i'm skinny and it's fine but it's all good and it's fine right but we've been having some good shows i've been going up a lot lately man i've been really going up a lot i've got dates in brea I've got dates in Irvine and Brea, California. You can go to chrystalia.com. Scoop them up. They might be sold out already, but I don't know. I'm not sure when this podcast is going to come out yet. But yeah, the dates are coming and it's going to be on and popping, dude.

Chris and friends. I'm bringing some friends with me. And I'm doing a lot of local dates now because I don't want to get out there on the road but i'll get out there on the road at some point uh when i get out there on the road i'll probably just be doing my own show not to almost throw up in my mouth not to chris talia and friends uh so yeah we'll see maybe we'll book some theaters or whatever i thought maybe i would just kick around and do some clubs but i don't know man maybe i'll just come out full force and just fucking full. I'll just go mock 11 on the fucking Tampa theater or some shit.

Who knows, dude? Maybe we'll go mock 11 on the fucking, uh, I don't know. I don't know. But what I do know is fucking one fire is absolutely fucking up, baby. Whoa, dude. He's fucking up so bad, dude. He's Mr. Gadget. I swear to God.

He's inspector. It's so annoying dude he comes in and he goes like this check it out and he holds up a fucking dude it's i'm not kidding it's this big dude it's this big can i fucking show it dude yeah here come on it doesn't matter if it breaks right dude i don't want to how do i swipe up wow dude this is this fucking thing you know dude it's so shintzy dude all right let me scroll so it doesn't say this is an iphone dude it's so bitch man this is like some shit that fucking tom hardy would have just because he's too small and he wants to look normal size this is so ridiculous it's a fucking iphone it's an iphone that he got where'd

you get it at fucking in china it's from china right on the website he says he goes it's an iPhone that he got. Where'd you get it at? Fucking in China. It's from China, right? On the website, he says, he goes, it's on a website, a website that is Chinese, dude. It's an iPhone. It does everything that an iPhone does. And I said, how much is it? And he said, $19,000. And I was like, you know what? It could be. And then he said, no, it's $70. And I was like, I believe that too. And it's a piece of shit and you can use it to call. Have you used it to call anybody yet? You can use it to call have you used it to call anybody yet you can use it to call and then i'm so i'm fucking doing the podcast and as i'm doing the podcast he's like it does everything a regular phone does yeah except look cool he said and so i'm doing the podcast and i see him and he's doing it like this like so bitch like trying to record me and then

all of a sudden i hear my voice back to me and he's going and he's going oh shit oh shit like a fucking old like like one of those old dudes with an answering machines like where he's like we don't know how to turn it off and that's what you hear in the answering machine right before you hear okay you hear leave a message how do I turn it off like an old

guy um wow it's such a bitch iPhone it's two inches long you know remember when phones were fucking small as shit You'd just go like this, hold on dude, I'm getting a call Hello And then all of a sudden they were like Nah, we wanted the Flex, right We wanted the Flex, the Flex was the small

Small phone In like 2009 the Flex was the small phone And then the iPhone came out What, in like 2008 maybe? 2007, no, it was immediately dorky. And in 2007, the iPhone kind of changed that and the Flex became the big shit. And then people got big phones and now the phones are like real big. And Ivan Getridov was in here and it was like, I think that, you know, that the Flex is going to be now the small phones are going to be coming back.

And it's like, yeah, dude, the smaller, the better, dude. I mean, it's nice to have, but like, it's like, dude, you're getting the iPhone and you're also getting a laptop or a, uh, some people have an iPhone. Uh, uh, uh, what do you call them? The iPad and a laptop. Remember when they tried to sucker us into an eye touch? Dude, if you had an eye touch, you're a piece of shit. You know that, right? It does everything an iPhone does, but it doesn't call. Okay, it's cheaper, but also save up for the iPhone. Dude, the iTouch. Remember that bitch ass thing? It didn't do any. Dude,

if you bought an iPhone and you still feel like you didn't get had, your brain's broken. You know that, right? And Apple suckered you into buying that fucking iTouch. That was the bullshit, man. They had so many fucking... Wow, man. Me and my brother, when we got iPods, when they first came out, we slept. We were so excited. We had iPods and we slept.

We got them for Christmas. And then on Christmas night, we slept with them listening excited we had ipods and we slept uh we got them for christmas and then on christmas night we slept with them with listening to music dude probably listening to green day or whatever the fuck he was listening to and it was so cute dude and the song would change and it would fucking light up the whole room and i'd be like matt and he's like no yes my ipod but yeah man um so phones need to get smaller, remember those fucking flip phones, how dope those were, remember the top heavy ones, you'd open them up, and they'd fucking, the weight would catch you off guard, you'd be like, oh shit, and it would just fall on the ground, and then you'd fucking, with a big ass antenna, that did absolutely fucking nothing, by the way, you don't need

antennas in your phone, I was so worried about getting cancer When cell phones came out And then I just realized everyone's going to get cancer anyway Because everyone dies of cancer always How many people in your family have gotten cancer See So that's what's up That's what's up Can't say the n-word part

That's what's up Can't say the n-word part That's what's up. Can't say that N-word part. G-Unit. That's what's up. That's it. And save. on amazing products every month. And did you know, PC Optimum members save more for exclusive offers and members only pricing. Just scan and save. And don't forget in-stock promise

where you can count on great offers being in stock or get a rain check. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store for details. Um, gotta go on this Instagram post, dude. I'll just do it from my phone.

Fucking, this is my favorite crossover on Instagram. Where's your, it's from my group text. My favorite crossover on Instagram, BYU Virgin, is an Instagram account. It's got 43,000

.1k followers. I guess I don't need to say 1,000 if I'm saying k. But Brigham Young Virginity Club, Utah-based club dedicated to preserving and promoting virginity on college campuses. No affiliation with BYU. And then it's just like using BYU Mormonism to talk about abstinence and shit. And what they posted for, this is my favorite crossover right here. They posted for No Nut November. Hey, you're a Mormon school.

Don't write No Nut November in your posts. Call it something else. Call it abstinence November. Dude, here at BYU, we want to make sure you're not nutting. Here at BYU, we want to make sure that you're not trying to pursue Uchiwale. Here at BYU, we want to make sure you're focusing on studies and not going for that fried butterfly or fresh hatchet wound. Dude, call it something more clinical you're a college not a fucking street urchin no nut november byu club is like on it we got it dude what are we doing for me dude i imagine them in the fucking like it's 24 like it's the show 24 with jack bauer and all the people and they're in the fucking the computer uh place whatever the fuck the office is and they're just like what do we got for no not november we got

to post something now if they start splurting if they start splurting out of wedlock luck. Oh man. I see. I see. I see. I got someone. I got a sophomore. I got a sophomore pursuing the Uchiwali. Get that, get that Instagram post up. It's no, not November. So here it is. Um, if you're, this is, and it's a five, it's a slider, dude. It's one of those Instagram sliders. It's a five part slider. Well, this is a six part slider here's the first one no nut november tips from a pro a pro of what a pro of not doing something how are you a pro of not fucking you can only be a pro of fucking oh i'm a pro of not baseball. See how I did it? No nut November tips from a pro. Here, I slide it.

By the way, this is the caption. Tag a friend that could use these tips to make it through no nut November. Oh, dude, no shit you're not affiliated with BYU. Wow, how does it have 43,000? How many of these followers are ironic, by the way? Okay, here we go. If you're in a relationship, make a... Here's number one.

If you're in a relationship, make a pact with your partner to remain abstinent. If you can't wait until marriage, at least wait until next month. Okay? A month at a time. I understand that. That's some AA shit. I love that. We get it.

Number two, take a cold shower. Not only are cold showers good for your health, but they'll help you cool off when things are getting hot. Okay, cool. Those two are okay. A little sad that you had to post it, but they're okay. Here's number three. Establish a safety plan with your virginity buddy. Ah!

Weird. Hey, dude. Hey, two dudes hanging out. You guys friends? Nah, this is my virginity buddy. Oh, yeah? What is that all about? Well, you know, when we go nuts and we're trying to fucking get that fresh hatchet wound or what have you.

Uchiwally. Right, Uchiwally. Well, we got each other's backs, you know? Because we can't be succumbing to that fried butterfly, can we? Establish a safety plan with your virginity buddy. Wow, virginity buddies is so a movie that would be in fucking 1992, right? With someone that's so famous now,

but wasn't famous back then, dude. Like Don Cheadle would be the third lead in it. Oh, dude. Don Cheadle would be 25 in the third lead in it. And it was about the two other guys. Oh, dude. He calls it real nice, dude. I guarantee you, somewhere in an alternate universe,

there is a movie that came out in 1992 called Virginity Buddies, and Don Cheadle is the fucking third. And a young Jeremy Renner is one of the other guys. Yes, dude! He figured it out. He figured it out. And the second guy is dead. He got HIV.

No doubt, dude. He died in 2001 from HIV, turned into full-blown AIDS. Dude, 100% that's a movie. Virginity, dude. He died in 2001 from HIV, turned into full-blown AIDS. Dude, 100%, that's a movie. Virginity, guys. Virginity Buddies starring Jeremy Renner, a guy who had HIV but died of full-blown AIDS in 2001. And fucking, what's his name? Captain America, dude. Don Cheadle is the third lead, dude.

And you didn't know who he was. And it's been on fucking all month on like hbo max right and you're like that's not she don't jeremy renner oh wow he calls it like he sees it dude he gets real nice with it man especially when you want to go 90s so anyway it's established a safety plan with your virginity buddy whenever you feel like you're about to sin text them your safe word wow so they can come pick you up hey how about text hey bro one hey bro i'm horny what do i do safe word text the safe word text the safe word it's 2022 all of a sudden just chilling you're

hanging out on the fucking car you're hanging out you're hanging out with your mom and shit and your phone goes off and it says text from carl potato what's that all about oh nothing potato potato potato why does he keep texting potato Okay so I have to come clean Because I don't lie because I'm Mormon So I follow this account Called BYU Virgin and We're trying to not have sex And

Whenever I feel like I'm about to sin Or he feels like he's about to sin Carl's supposed to text me say for it and it's potato So I have to call him right now He might be deep in some mochi Wally. Here's number four. Here's the fucking fourth slide. Download an app on your devices.

So far to filter out inappropriate content. We recommend porn block plus and block site to keep you safe on the worldwide web. Well, that's actually something I didn't know you could do and probably need it. Uh, five,

avoid sticky situations. Sinuendos, gross, come as sticky. Avoid sticky situations that may test your commitment. For example, when Becky invites you over to study and chill, and then in parentheses, but it's already dark outside and her roommate isn't home, you're better off removing her from your contact list altogether. Wow, dude. Wow. Just cold as shit with this BYU living. Just cold as shit. Just ice cold. Yo, Becky, we ain't even friends anymore.

What? Yup. You texted me past nine to quote unquote chill and study. You know what's gonna happen we'll both be laying horizontal by fucking 9 30 screaming fuck spanish this is amazing dude wow dude unreal wow they do stories let's see what they put. What's this? What's this? Oh, hi.

Didn't see you there. Me? My name is Lace Honorator. You? You have now been invited to have the best sex of your life. BYU Virgin. The largest community of virgins and born-again virgins. Studies show 96% of people engage in premarital sex.

Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. Abstinence is difficult. I myself was tempted just the other day when a young lady asked if I would like to be fellated by her on a Tuesday night. BYU Virgin offers support and resources to show you the benefits of purity. Contrary to what our name suggests, we're here to actually help you get laid, just in the right way. Would you like to have sex with me? No, thank you. While I'm flat and I'm sure you're very good at quitters, I'm saving myself for marriage. So come get laid with us and have the best sex of your life

after those church bells ring. And remember, just because you're a virgin doesn't mean you're a loser. And that's power. Purity power. BYU Virgin. This is awesome, dude. This has to be taking the piss. Wow, this is awesome dude this has to be taking the piss wow this is awesome follow this is fucking hilarious dude but they're not following any comedian so is it actually are

they taking the piss what oh wow my brother follows it cool um some guy commented no nut lifetime this is fucking hilarious this i hope it i mean i hope it's real but it can't be i don't know maybe dude i mean you here's the deal whether it's real or not you know people follow it for real so there that's it that's all you got to do right it doesn't matter if it's ironic or not um yeah let's check out this shit dude i was watching this what's up with the island boys we haven't checked in with them for a long time right they're still going people still fucking are in it and shit remember when i i put out on tiktok how how much how funny it was and and everyone was agreeing before i put out how funny it was and then when i agreeing before I put out how funny it was.

And then when I put it out, everyone's like, stop bullying them. And I'm like, oh, dude, really? You guys are going to stab me in the back too now, not just my friends? Fly Soja posted this. Here we go. First of all, it says lamborghini he can afford he's in a little lamborghini like a like that calvin my son would drive and he's driving the fucking um the dude is uh with the hair with the with the with the dildos on his hair by the way there's a jurassic park poster

in the background which is hilarious it's like take, take that down, motherfucker. He's responding to someone's post about what only Lamborghini he can afford because he's in this little Lamborghini. He's now gets up out of this Lamborghini, this little Lamborghini.

I'm meant for this life. Wow. And he gets in a Mustang it's a Mustang I mean not a flex you know oh I'm a Mustang boy oh I'm a Mustang boy and I'm trying to make you

and I go stank stank stank in my 5.0 on that red on black worst song of all time is a convertible so fucking not no deeper meaning at all dude how can you say like yeah i can't afford oh yeah i can't afford a lamborghini check out my mustang ah fucking a fraction of the price like they gotta know right and then i love people comment exactly no lamborghini it's a mustang yeah man we know you know how do you do that how do you lack that much self-awareness wow i'm a mustang boy also do you have another song or do you just implement the fucking shit with the one song i'm a mustang boy just trying to make it it's a 5.0 red on black it's a convertible so bad um i can't believe that french lady said i was skinny when i got fucking shoulders

that go on for days put a week on it but whatever how about the liver king man what's he doing hey hey liver king grow hey liver king stop getting so buff dude somebody commented on the liver king's uh post this is the if you're not If you haven't been with us and don't know who the liver king is He's basically a guy who Absolutely listens to Joe Rogan And has so many guns and has a tank He actually has a tank And he eats bone marrow

Like legitimately and fish balls And guts raw It's fucking gross But he says This guy commented on the liver king's thing please tell me that you at least shower regularly i'm sure our ancestors didn't but we have access to running water now so it's different because he's always talking about how he's like ancestors and shit and he calls his uh fan base prime primals or something he writes i don't per se liver king doesn't waste time on such matters wow talking in the third

person is something of course a guy named liver king would fucking do like he's uh ricky henderson uh liver king doesn't waste time on such matters i also don't use deodorant brush my teeth or wash ew hey guy evolve ew dude ew imagine how fucking smelly that dick is you know what i mean imagine you just be around him you're just like bro come on man are you fucking kidding me like at a party get out of here how mad would you be oh your breath bro your armpits smell fucking it smells like the fish you suck the balls out of fuck out of here you'd be so mad you know just everyone would be mad yeah get out of here boo boo boo boo and you'd be like oh with his spear but i thought i thought it was popular yeah, we can't smell you, you fucking short fuck. You're too wide.

Go. I don't waste time on such matters, dude. I don't use deodorant, brush my teeth, or wash my hair. Our species has an elegant, brilliant design by default. I don't believe it's ancestral, nor is it in our best interest to block thermoregulatory mechanisms or disrupt our skin, hair, and beard biomes. Wow,

this sentence doesn't end. With modern day consumer products, in parentheses, which is why I rinse off with well water and take a bar of tallow rendered soap to the groin and pits and call it a day. Not what the phrase call it a day was intended for. I stopped modern day hygiene habits over a decade ago. Oh, is that when you stopped

growing, bro? I stopped wearing deodorant. I've never cleaned my beard ever. I can tell you that living by the nine ancestral tenets, your detox pathways, body odor, and pheromones will improve and you will smell, look, and feel the way that nature intended you to smell. Hey, dude, shit's natural too. Rub it under your nose. Hey, put your money where your mouth is. Have a shit stash. Body odor and pheromones will improve and you will smell, look and feel the way nature intended you to smell, look and feel, and it will confer a fitness advantage for life. Dominate your environment and make sure you're on the liver train.

Hey, dude, you know, there's a lot of natural stuff that smells utterly putrid. A hyena carcass smells bad. You're not wearing it. It's okay to smell good. Wow, dude. it's okay to smell good wow dude nah I just put a fucking tallow bar of soap up my ass and call it a day and eat bones everyone's losing their goddamn mind huh

that's just what's up between the island boys and the liver king the liver king is an evil villain you know that right got the starbucks sometimes i go on and i get it free the guy gives it to me free and sometimes i go and he doesn't dude shout out to fucking um abc clothing man they're fucking killing it they sent me a bunch of stuff almost wore, but it's a hoodie and it's too hot. But yeah, they're great. Advisory Board Crystals, man, they're so good.

I love this shit. Their new shit bangs, dude. They sent me a grip of it and we support it on there. They support us. We support... They support Congratulations. We support Advisory Board Crystals, man crystals man they're killing it we love that shit um yeah man uh you know so if you want to look like me and also you can get the crystalia the life rips merch all the colorwayscrystallia.com we're having a good time here and congratulations you know it's it's interesting i have a show tonight i'm trying to conserve my energy because right now i know you're listening to the podcast when you listen to the podcast,

but also I'm shooting this podcast at 5 p.m., and then I have a show right after, and your boy's going to be fucking firing on some low syllables, I'll tell you that much. But he'll go to the coffee bean, clear this Starbucks coffee, down the iced Americano, dry, get his second win, and blast off into outer space on the show. Because dude's been blasting off, man. I'll tell you, my set, he's got it now.

When he came back, it was a little bit trepidatious. But now, what are you going to say? What are you going to do? Huh? Your boy comes on stage. He's real open and honest with you but he's also getting those chuckles out so what are you gonna say right your boy dips into a little bit of a deep ted talk but also he's still providing them chuckles okay he'll hit you over the head with a guffaw

right after telling you some real personal shit. So what do you got to say? Okay? Let's talk about this fucking nationality challenge. We can't play the music, but I'll just play it silent, I guess. Either that or... So this is a thing on TikTok. This is how I look in different nationalities.

And this is by a near band. It's always like Indian or Asian people that do it. It's never like a white guy or a black guy. I guess it'd be hard for a black guy to do it. Right. Cause that the color of his skin is kind of like it overcomes all the other colors of the skin. All other skin. Probably could get cancelled for saying that

but um yeah it's this guy who is this I don't even know what nationality this guy is he looks like he's maybe anyway anyway how I would look in different nationalities and then he says which suits me the most

nationality challenge this is a fucking challenge on TikTok so he says so here we go come on go so the first one he has is kazakhstan oh wait here kazakhstan oh usa oh he just put black makeup on china wow he's in blackface and now he's in uk well how does this guy look so different in turkey well what do people in Turkey look like anyway? I don't even have a clue. Korea? Okay. Oh, Japan in a Mets jersey.

Nothing's more Japanese than wearing a Mets jersey, dude. You ever think of that? Wow, man. Bro, you could go to fucking New York. You could go to Queens, New York. You could go to Mashpit. You You could go to Queens, New York. You could go to Mashpit.

You could be in the heart of Queens. And where that match is, you won't get as much love as you would if you're in fucking Tokyo. Forget it, dude. Japan. Oh, that's it. That's all of them. Mostly all of them. A lot of them were Korean.

Dude, he's in blackface, dude. TikTok is the wokest shit were you gonna say something it's a deep fake okay cool it doesn't matter dude racist also tiktok is the most woke shit of all time how is this okay are you woke or not dude tiktok is so complainy woke and then they're just gonna do some shit like nationality challenge dude people don't give a fuck about anything but that brings in the dollars that's what i love about this shit man everyone's like yeah with the rogan shit when neil is it neil young is that his name is it it Neil Young? And Neil Young is like. Well.

Oh dude. This is what. I love it dude. Spotify. First of all. Spotify. Talking like. Taking any road to where it's like.

Free speech is hilarious. Like. They're so woke. Spotify is woke as shit. But above all. Besides being woke and liberal. Is. is above all the dollar is what speaks as long as i can stack my money in a pyramid that touches the sky i'll be right left centrist from mars i don't give a fuck and that's everybody everybody. Okay. It's everybody in big business. I'll tell you that much.

So, so Rogan is like the biggest thing on Spotify since fucking Spotify is new. So I don't know, but he's the biggest thing on Spotify. We know because we got a huge bump in Spotify. When Rogan went over to Spotify, everyone's like, okay, I guess we'll just listen to Spotify now. And they do a lot of listening on over to Spotify. Everyone's like, okay, I guess we'll just listen to Spotify now. And they do a lot of listening on podcasts on Spotify. They provide, Rogan provided a bump. Okay, fine.

So Neil Young, now he's saying, because a lot of people are saying that Rogan is spreading misinformation on the vaccine, which, you know, Rogan thinks what he thinks. And if that's what he thinks, then that's fine. I know scientists. I don't know what the fuck is going on with jabs and vaccines and not vaccines and masks and not masks. I don't really know. You know why?

I'm a lowly jester. Okay? know why i'm alone i'm alone i'm a lowly jester okay but my but the mainstream media obviously is lying because clicks mainstream media is obviously lying because clicks rogan's got 100 million dollars he's not lying right he's just saying what he thinks and then he has other people with opposing views on sometimes views of his and sometimes opposing views and you know he talks to him sometimes he beats him up sometimes they get the best of them but they usually have a grown-up conversation so whatever you want to think, fine. I'm not going to change your fucking mind. But Neil Young is saying, well, Rogan's spreading misinformation on the vaccines. Now, we know that the world is in political turmoil, especially America, right? So Neil Young says, Spotify, it's either me or Rogan. If you want to leave Rogan on, you've got to pull Neil Young's music.

Now, we all knew how it was going to go. First of all, I didn't know Neil Young has a lot of people listening to his music. I mean, he's got a lot of people listening to his music. Hey, Chris, name one Neil Young song. Can't do it. All right? I don't really know music that well because I fucking don't like music. But Neil Young, I have no idea what his fucking song is like.

So Spotify is like, hey, see ya? Rogan provides a bump, so Neil Young, see ya? And now people on the right, it's hilarious because they're like, today's a great day for free speech. I have my buddy text me, great day for free speech. And I'm like, you fucking moron. Spotify doesn't care about free fucking speech and the slightest. They care about stacking their money in a pyramid until it touches the sky

that's all they care about make no fucking mistake if neil young was that motherfucker that helped them stack racks in a pyramid until it touched the sky, there'd be no Rogan. They don't give a fuck. It's about bags and that's it. It's about bags and that's it. All right, let's do some misconnections. Guys, it's time for everyone's favorite segment, Miss Connections. Here we go.

Carhead. Straight for the point, huh? In Marina Del Rey. That's a beautiful place to get some carhead, I'll tell you that. It's a beach. It's really breezy. You go to Marina Del Rey,

it's like 20 degrees cooler than wherever you are in Los Angeles. It's fucking quite annoying because you're going in a different outfit and you're like, what the fuck is all this shit? It's so cold. So the header is carhead and then he says sup attractive dad type what is dad type by the way guy or just schlub then what's up with the attractive hmm something's fishy already and guess when i

realized that when i saw car headhead. Attractive dad type looking to connect with a dude's mouth on my cog. So, showed his hand. Was starting off little just, you know,

the trees and the clouds and the beautiful grass and then all of a sudden went to Mach 11. Attractive dad type looking to connect with the dude's mouth on my cock. Carhead is great. I'll zap you a pic if you want to see what you'll be working with. I'll zap.

How is the most offensive part using the word zap for send? Hey, I'll zap it. I'll zap you a pic of my cock. God, here's another one. Johnny, where are you? Like it's written by a blind guy. Hey, Johnny, I lost your contact info. If you see this, get back to me.

Contemplating setting up a whole lot of uh dl fun you were a younger straight guy and athletic playing for the college baseball team hopefully you see this post if not him but similar to him i mean how the fucking do people know if you're similar to the guy whose name is johnny that played on a team hey if you look like a guy on a team hit me up i love cock um uh if you're not him if not him but similar to him and interested hit me up reply with your info age height weight in first response your pick will speed things up zap me a pick no that was me uh okay mechanic temple city area wow how many mechanics are in temple city for real 20 of people living in temple city are mechanics uh here we go need help with a blown

rod oh i like how all these motherfuckers are like need like assist need a. Need a fucking cock drainage assistance. Cock's all pent up. Need some fucking, uh, need some work on my cock. Uh, here we go. Mechanic. Need help with a blown rod. All suggestions welcome. I am mobile. If you need help or would like to help me, feel free to email me anytime. Wow, guy going with the email, huh? You know, he's older.

Here's another one. What the fuck? Saw you in Eminem's music video. Culver city felt like you could feel me staring from up top, but couldn't take my eyes off. You cute femme looks. This definitely could be for me. I'm in an Eminem video. This guy's talking to me. I'm going to hit him up, dude, and hopefully get my fucking rod blown. I'm going to zap him a pic, and hopefully I could connect with the dude's mouth on my cock. Wow. Was this guy a listener of congratulations? Did he just crack the code? Did he game the system as we used to call it? Here we go. Be there at 9 a.m. That's the header. Be there at 9 a.m. Let's meet again at the norms. I love how he put a zero

instead of an O in norms like it's code. Like it's Neo writing it. Where we had pancakes that night. I'll be there around 9 a.m. on Friday. Reply with my nickname. Dude, 9 a.m. is like such a weird time to be sneaky. Would you just drop your kids off to school and you want a quick suck in the back of norms after eating pancakes?

Here's another one you were at gas station with short dress think it means white short dress from la puente since it's from la puente maybe it's english isn't his first language those legs and ass got me that's it dude that's it right to the point ass is spelled a space S space S space. Amazing dude. Those legs and ass got, got, uh, got me. Got to go to Craigslist dude. Ah, fuck man. Driving home. You know what dude? I tried to make sure that it didn't, but those legs and ass sure got me. Can't wait to get to my laptop. Here's a great header. White truck waving hey bro long beach construction friendly guy in the white truck me saying hi i'd like to see you this guy's saying hi way too much in this post white truck me waving hey bro construction from the guy in the white truck me saying hi

i'd like to see you three said hi three times in the post everyone on craigslist is a sexual deviant all good um uh amazing dude and we got through the episode of congratulations without even using the motherfucking soundboard. They said we couldn't do it, but we did it. Haters said we had to use the Renner's thing. Oh, we didn't. Haters probably didn't even realize that your boy brought up Jeremy Renner in the middle of the podcast, and he still didn't use this thing your boy's actually real sick with it if he wants to be my new car is coming tomorrow apparently it's that time of the month because it's right inside

he's on its period it's showing up with tinted windows a lot of people get their car and they fucking go get it tinted it's showing up with fucking darkest shit you won't even be able to see the bloody guns it's all good and that engine in it is nice you're probably wondering what that car is like but fucking i'm not wondering i'll just tell you this much it's a boss mobile oh shit it's got a black top but it's actually not black what's that mean the roof is open it's not open it's not a fucking drop top the titties aren't out but the whole thing is glass god damn it the birds will be able to see the bloody guts what the fuck oh shit tweet tweet what are those bloody guts god damn it

it's fucking amazing he didn't he done dotted again dude god damn it did he start the car or did fucking 900 horses just fucking roll up outside of my street it's fucking car for real dude those tires just keep on spinning i asked the guy does the car get lower because it looks pretty low now and he said of course it does it's in transport mode his car is basically underground jesus fucking christ and it looked low already jesus christ congratulations the bloody guts go lower come on dude the tabasco's underground get out of here man come on man he's got a whole fucking he's got a whole goddamn fucking it's like

a 90 inch fucking tv screen for the fucking it's fucking forget it man anyway dude God damn it, dude If you're gonna hit the fucking life rip shit Hit the life rip shit Support the show Support the show Like and subscribe, man If you're not making love to that like button And taking the fucking subscribe button out to dinner

Then you ain't living, dude Make friends in the comments now, dude Report under the comments Hey, friends, report under the comments. Make friends. Ask people to go to Red Robin. Ask people to go to Arby's. Ask people to go to fucking, what's that one?

Olive Garden. Ask people to go to Marie Callender's. Make friends in the comments. Let's get that algorithm going. And always remember, dude, life rips. And your boy provides a bomb on guest appearances so go check all those out hey guys that's the episode for youtube but check it out there's much more on patreon patreon.com slash chris d'alia you get to show the rest of it okay you get the rest of this show

and you get the rest of all the other shows with no ads no commercials no anything like that and uh we get on the patreon we also have one extra show a month it's all for just six dollars we have behind the scenes for our vlog that we do the with chris stuff we've got more footage of everything uh that we do and uh and we have a discord that we chat on it's fun we get personal patreon.com go ahead and sign up Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. That is so stupid.