Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 235. The Piano That Played Itself

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 🚛 Thank you: ShipStation: https://shipstation.com - use code CONGRATS This week Chris discusses Rick Ross' piano that plays itself, the absolute G that is Dave Grohl, and explains why telling jokes makes you corny. Plus Arnold Schwarzenegger is Zeus!  🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Wearing it nice, got the nice shirt from Advisory Board Crystals. Just killing it. Got buttoned up. You know what I mean? Looks good with the gray in my beard. Forget it. Super casual, but also knows what he's doing. You know what I mean?

Let's get it out the way. We got dates coming up in Brea, California. I am on tour-ish, kind of. Brea, California and Irvine, California. And we are, I'm expanding after that. I'm expanding after that. But right now I'm doing a little bit of some local gigs. Crystalia.com.

Brea is soon, that may be sold out. I just added a show. So go check it out, Crystalia.com. If you're in Southern California in Brea or Irvine, come check it out.ia.com if you're in southern California in Brea or Irvine come check it out so that's what's up I'm doing the Crystalia and Friends and we've been having a good time

we did what do you call it Oxnard and San Diego actually before I get into that let me say if you also go to my website we re-upped on all the Life Rips tie-dyed shit I keep selling out guys you guys still want it my website, we re-upped on all the Life Rips tie-dyed shit. They keep selling out, guys. You guys still want it, so I'm still re-upping it. So it's up there, and we got all the other two separate colorways that are up, and that's the last restock that's going to be for that.

But there is new merch and the new hot shit that we as a cult need to fucking share with the world, dude. Don't push me, dude. Don't push me. It's got that fucking, it's an homage to right, Chris. Don't push me, dude. Work with me. But we've got the fucking eagle on there and it says, don't push me. And we've got a hat with those fucking tassels that makes it look like you're in the army

or the Navy or some shit. And it's just illest shit. So check that out, ChrisLeah.com. And that shit's going to fly off the shelves like the eagle on its chest, man. You've got to let them know, dude, whatever's going on in your life. Don't push me, dude. I'm at a certain spot. Not today.

This is not the day. Right? Stand for yourself, right? So rep that and let them know, dude. That's going to fly, I'm telling you. Crystalia.com. So that's what's up. And that's what's been going on merch-wise.

And then also come see me in Irvine, Crystalia.com. Go to Crystalia.com. Honestly, have a great time, dude. It's basically the metaverse. Just go there Um and uh And that's it we were in San Diego this past Um weekend

Actually this will be it'll be two weekends ago Now um and it was Let me tell you something man I think it was like episode 40 something I was talking about how much San Diego sucked And because I went there and whenever I Perform there it's always like these people that Think that they're fucking better than you and shit. It's like a lot of whites with like fucking like dockers on and shit.

And they're like offended for minorities when you say a joke about minorities, like those kinds of guys. offended for minorities when you say a joke about minorities, like those kinds of guys. But also, man, I didn't realize how fucking Republican San Diego was also. And those audiences fucking rip, man. And so I realized that the only time, the only reason why I didn't like playing San Diego is because their venues I was at were just fucking horrible. I played House of Blues, which is a fucking music venue. I mean, last time I went to House of Blues by myself was when I was fucking 20 years old. I went to go see Busta Rhymes. So it's like, what the fuck is, what am I doing?

What am I doing? You know, playing at a venue that Busta Rhymes, you know, so I played the Laugh Factory down there, which I wanted to just, you know, work out my material and shit, and that club down there is fucking awesome, man, and we had a blast, dude, I took the new car down there. Bloody interior. Oh, shit. I took the boss mobile down there. Oh, shit. I took my fucking cameraman. Oh, dude, I looked back. It was like he was fucking four rows back. Oh, God.

Right? Birds flew over and they were the only ones who could see the bloody guts because the windows were tinted. Oh, God. I know. And it's a bit Matt White, but is it semi matt oh he just did a little bit right he just did it a little bit okay he took the badges off the back it's a boss nobody needs to know so um so yeah dude oh my god man so i fucking we took the boss mobile down there you still don't know what it is dude he's keeping it a mystery my babies that's what he's doing he's mysterious oh god he's mysterious

just fucking bathing in that blood on the inside so um anyway dude uh oh god it's like fucking he's got the kid in the car too it's like the fucking last episode of the first season in dexter and what the fuck is going on so he um so anyway we went down to san diego when we had a good time and uh it was great dude i just fucking san diego was absolutely it was great the crowds were so good man they were just fucking we got the with chris video out now san diego you can go check it out uh it's on my other youtube channel more crystal you go subscribe and like to that and while you're at it subscribe and like to this and make friends in the comments dude it helps that algorithm and you know if you want your boy to keep going on stuff like king of the sting and fight companion and all the other podcasts then

you need to understand he provides a bump and the only thing that helps that is if we activate that keep the algorithm doing calisthenics so um so yeah dude um wow i've said absolutely fucking nothing in the first five minutes of this podcast all good that's what we do dude because we're rip-roaring you want to go get info you want to go get boring as shit info go listen to fucking npr man this is where we come we hang out if it was the fucking 1999 people would say we chillax but i never said that i say we relax and we chill we we respect both of those words we don't say fucking i'm not a guy who does you know takes the two words and put them together like fantabulous that's such a like a like a a portly white woman thing to do oh it's fant's fantabulous. You know what I mean?

Like a pear-shaped white woman loves combining words. But your boy gives the words. Talking about the guy who fucking abbreviates the most words on the planet. But anyway, dude, I respect the words I need to respect is what I'm trying to say. So I got to fucking, so we were in San Diego and it was beautiful, man. We got some coffee. People wanted to take pictures. I saw a bunch of people dressed in a banana and banana outfits. Don't even, I don't even

understand. But dude, the homeless problem in LA, if you think the homeless problem, well, the homeless problem in downtown is probably way worse, but dude, in San Diego, it's fucking forget it, dude. So many homeless people. It's sad as shit. It's sad as shit, man. They got to figure that out just kind of for everyone, for the homeless people, but also for the not homeless people. There was a homeless guy. I was trying to get pizza and he was just like, Hey dude, I don't even know. Like he was just, he came up to me and he was like, Hey, what's up? I thought he was a crazy homeless dude. And he was, he was like, what'd you need, man? My family owns this place. And I'm like, Oh shit. Wow. No, it's okay, man. Don't worry

about it. He's like, what'd you need? The family owns this place. And I like oh shit wow no it's okay man don't worry about it he's like what you need a family owns this place and i pulled i had to like be like yo man it's okay i hear you you gotta back up though a little bit and i kind of like gently touched his you know his chest and just kind of bad you gotta you gotta back up a little bit he's like what you need you need a water or something and i'm like i i don't know man we're all good let me just order the pizza and i ordered the pizza and then he was like all right chris you, you take care. I was like, oh, he's got a home. He knows who I am. Am I so famous that fucking homeless people know who I am? I don't, I don't think I am. I'm genuinely asking.

Cause that's like elite level fame. If you've got dudes with like frayed jeans on walking around with dirty feet and they're like, Hey, it's you. Then you made it dude. Right? So I didn't really understand what, I i mean maybe his family did own it he also had a really weird expensive fucking hoodie on i can't remember what it was but maybe he was just a crazy owner oh no show me love up in the club um so yeah uh san die, was, was nice as shit. Stayed at the fucking on Dawes, had a good stay, got four rooms.

Probably won't get him reimbursed from that, from the fucking laugh factory owner. All good. But, um, yeah, uh, I drew, I drove the car today. I was going to go meet my son, um, and Kristen at the park and fucking took the fucking new car out, right? The new car out, wanted to get the luxurious boss mobile just out for the day to go meet my son. And all of a sudden, ding, ding. Now, remember when I got the lemon? I already have the car that's the lemon.

I got a lemon. I fixed it. The car's not a lemon anymore. Okay? We took it in for like two weeks. They redid the whole shits and uh so now that car works i got the other you know shit and all of a sudden ding ding the back left tire it's at 11 it's not even at like fucking 20 you know how it's like if it's at 26, you're like, oh shit, got to fill it up. This shit should be at 47.

It's at 11. It's got 11 pieces of air in it. You know, I don't know what the thing is. It should have 47 pieces of fucking air in it. And it's got 11 pieces of air in it. Dude, it's missing 36 pieces of air. So I'm like, well, fucking shit, man. 26 pieces of air. So I'm like, well, fucking shit, man. And I go, I look to my fucking, my assistant and dude, she's good. She's like, pull over. I'll check it. She knows a lot about cars. She's like, pull over. I'll check it. And we look and we check it. And she's like, yeah,

it looks a little low, but the tires also, you you know what i mean how can you tell if your tires are low if you got that low pro anyway right i mean my tires are low pro anyway what am i gonna be rolling around on knobbies dude what am i in a fucking what am i in a fucking rav4 the shit's so low pro my tires got sunglasses on and high collars you got the neighbors calling about my tires hey i see something out there but oh maybe i didn't my tires are crazy okay so it's like okay is it is it fucking low or not i don't know but then we go hold on a second and we hear and we go wait a second and we get closer and we were and then we feel and it's a fucking not a slowly dude there's a nail in there the shit is coming out holy i mean dude it's so it's

so we're like we got it what do we do she's like we should call triple a i was like let's just drive to the fucking place we can make it and she's like okay and we do it and we roll down there and we get to the fucking place and it's going 10, nine. And I'm going to be like, we're going to start sparking the rims. This is just today. So I get to the fucking place. She's like, this place is good.

I know it. She knows a lot about cars. So we get to the place, some dude, 21 years old, 23 years old, some shit like that. He's just like, Hey, you know, he had that face on. He had that face on. That was like, oh, what? Shit, man. I was just going to go do something else, you know?

Hey. And my fucking assistant just says, what are you doing right now? Dude, the way she said it, his whole shit just dropped and he just gave up. And he was like, I was just going to go eat lunch. What is it? And she was like, oh, we got a leak. And I was like, we got a leak here, dude. Can you fix it? And he was like, uh, yeah, sure, dude. Conversational TKO, man. She just put him to sleep with that convo just already. Like, like my uncle told me once he was like, dude, if anyone ever wants to

fight you or they're following you, or you think something's going down, approach them and just be like, what's up, dude, what's going on? It throws them off. Now, my uncle's a little bit of an insane person. He's also 350 pounds and is a black belt in fucking karate. But still though, do you know what I mean? You got to like, it's like the end of 8 Mile

where you're like, yeah, you fucked my girl and you ruined my life. What are you going to say now? And then the guy's like, like fucking Colin Firth and just Stutterville, right? Whatever that movie is called, Stutterville, King's Speech.

And so I basically, he's like, sure, I'll do it. And he does it. And my car is parked in like a situation where it's like kind of blocking the place to get into the to the uh whatever the garage right so this other porsche cayenne pulls up and it's like kind of a it's a porsche cayenne but also like fix it like it's got shit all fucked up with it the tires are so bald and this dude pulls up and he said and and he and the and the guy who's working there says, oh, can you just pull in? And my car's a little bit kind of in the way. And I feel bad about it. So the guy goes to move past my car into the garage in the Cayenne.

And he's like this young black dude. And he says to me, because I'm looking to make sure he's, he's good. And also I don't want him to hit my car. And he's like, I can see, man. I can see, I can see men don't trip. And I was like, oh yeah, that's what I said. I can see men don't trip. And he pulled in and I was like, what a fucking dickhead, you know?

And then I went into this just, and I'll, by the way, it was so like, I knew I was like, when he parked, I knew when he got out, I was like, I bet he has fucking slides on, got out, sure enough, had slides on. I knew it, dude. I'm fucking, that doesn't mean anything, but I'm fucking Sherlock Holmes when it doesn't matter. And, um, and so like Sherlock Holmes is figuring out murders, but I'm like, I bet this guy's got fucking slides on. And I know that. And then, so maybe I'm like Sherlock Holmes's assistant,

but anyway, um, so he gets out and in, and while the guy was jacking up my tire, do you guys ever do this? Like I was like just in a vivid daydream imagining like if this guy said something else or like if he tripped or like i was imagining like if he tripped or if he asked hey where's the bathroom and then the guy points to it and it says bathroom above the door for me to i i wanted so badly something like that to

happen so i could be like oh shit man sorry man. Sorry. I thought you could see it. Oh, I'm sorry, man. I thought you might see it. Don't trip. And that didn't happen. But in my head, my, my heart, I was getting so angry about it. And I'm like, if this shit happens, dude, I'm, I'm, I'm ready. And then while I was deep in that vivid imagination and that daydream, the guy just goes, it's $25 to patch your car and to patch your tire. And I was like, oh, okay.

And then, and then my assistant was like, here's the, here's the thing for the wheel to undo the wheel. And then let's get the tire, uh, how many tire pieces we need. It's on the inside of the door. And the guy's like, whoa, she knows a lot about cars. I was like, yeah, bro. That's like fast and furious, and the guy's like, whoa, she knows a lot about cars, I was like, yeah, bro, that's like Fast and Furious, man, she's like Michelle Rodriguez, anyway, man, it all worked out okay, my tires patched, and, you know, I survived a near-death experience, because of the nail, and also because the guy almost fucking, you know, he almost got into it with me, I it man don't trip okay cool sounds good bro speaking of not tripping this is unreal

i don't like rick ross it's like i think rick ross is at the level where it's like you made a lot of music and like he was the fucking hot shit and now he obviously makes a lot of money and it makes a lot of music, but he's not the hot shit anymore. This is the most fucking... This is an Instagram video he put on. This is here. Let's just play it. That music back there.

I told myself, Rose, when you get in a position, I want somebody to be at my house at a certain time just to play the harp, just to play the piano. And at this particular time, I didn't have the money to pay nobody to come do that for me, which I really meant and told myself I meant.

So what I did was, because I was getting some money, I went and bought the piano that played itself. And then he shows a piano that plays itself. I mean, uh, so lonely. I mean lonely also show the

piano closer so far away I bought the piano that played itself like this guy are you fucking 11 like that's not even like those they've been around since fucking bar fights in saloons like that's not even like those have they've been around since fucking bar fights and saloons like that's not that impressive every piano has a play itself mode i bought the piano that plays itself also brag about the brag when it happens

when i was younger i said i wanted to have somebody play the piano for me and at this particular moment... Dude, rappers are always saying moment, like particular moment. Like, just say moment. You know, this particular moment, me personally, my particular moment, what had happened was... Always add an extra word. Just say what happened. What had happened in this particular moment for me personally,

it's like, how many fucking words are you going to use, guy? When I was younger, I wanted to have a guy play the piano or the harp for me. You know what I mean? I don't even like harp or the piano, but I convinced myself that I like it because it was a way to flex my money if I ever got it. And then I did. And then I realized that hiring somebody is not economical and it's also kind of annoying because they always around. Also, I'm fucking a diva and I don't want anybody that's going to be around that I got to tell us what to do because they might fuck up. And then I get blood red mad. So instead of that, I got the piano that plays itself you know i mean when i was younger i had

this vision in my mind that boss of a boss in a cartoon like duck tales i wanted to jump in a pool of money coins but then i realized a little bit after that that you know what i mean jumping into a pile of coins you would absolutely break your fucking neck whether you're a duck or not so i thought about hiring a guy to play the harp, even though I don't like harp music. And I thought about hiring a guy to play the piano, even though I don't like piano music. You know, I do hip hop. I rap about hoes and money and rims. I'm killing people. So instead of hiring a guy because he would be so annoying to be in at my house, and also I do crazy deviant shit and yell at the maids.

I would get the... And basically I'm too lonely to have anybody. How about the piano that played itself? There it is all the way all across the echoey dining room with no furniture in it because I ain't got kids because I'm lonely.

Shout out to Autopair. E-C-L-O-N. Dude, it's so funny to fucking imagine these guys sleeping. Like actually just being in their bed. Just... You know? And waking up a little bit at 6.30 and being like, I bet I could get another hour in.

And then falls back asleep at 7 and then wakes up at fucking 9.30. Dude. Time to wake up and press the button on the piano. To make the piano play itself. So lonely. Also so annoying, you know? So echoey, dude. Also,ick ross are you fat or not you're one of those guys that it's like just gain weight or fucking chop it off at this point and then dude it's on hot freestyle the fucking instagram handle is hot freestyle

and dude it says rick ross flex is different dude that's how did that become so passe so quick the i'm different shit two two chains did it and he was like i'm different yeah i'm different and everyone's like oh that's fucking cool and now everyone will step out of a fuck you got motherfuckers stepping out of a tesla and they're just like yo dude i'm different and you're like nah dude you got the fucking s model or whatever not the good one is hot freestyle and then it says rick ross living different i mean dude how many different things on the thing over it it says rick ross flex is different rick ross and then the caption is rick ross living different rick ross is lonely different and then the caption is Rick Ross living different Rick Ross is lonely different

and then the fucking shit on the all the comments are like god damn bro fuck yeah fire emojis look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws, like Hit of the Month. So you get the best deals and low prices on amazing products every month. And did you know? PC Optimum members save more. For exclusive offers and members-only pricing, just scan and save. And don't forget InStock Promise, where you can count on great offers being in stock or get a rain check. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store for details.

Oh, man. Rick Ross fucking flex is different, dude. How lonely is Rick Ross? Does he have a wife? Does Rick Ross have a wife and kids? I ain't got no kids, so I got a piano that plays itself. Hell yeah. I ain't got no significant other.

So what happened in my life for me personally is at this moment, I got a piano that plays itself. Dude, it's friends, you know? Yeah, yeah. That's true. You do have that. Oh, shit. How annoying is Rick Ross, dude? Dude, how annoying.

Yo, come over. Let's smoke cigars and play poker. Dude, doing all this shit. You know Rick Ross does all this shit that he doesn't even like doing. He just, like, pretends it because he's got this idea in his head about what a boss is like. He just shows up in a purple fucking vest with no pants on, with his dick all out. Whoa, Rick Ross, what are you doing?

Yo, that's what the guy from DuckTales does. I got a piano that plays itself. Your balls are out. That's what Scrooge McDuck do. Why are you so bruised up? I jumped off of the diving board into some coins. How come you have fucking three ducks around you? Have you ever seen DuckTales?

Ooh. I got a piano that plays itself in a tale. Duck tales. Ooh. So insecure. And then afterwards, the fucking people leaving Rick Ross's place and you're driving with your homie. They're just like, God damn, Rick Ross is kind of stressful hanging out with him, huh? I don't even like the shit that we do around him.

Like, he kind of made us get in the pool. It's cold out. Do y'all like fucking shooting clay pigeons man not really to be honest yeah man i don't even know how why he got that thing it's kind of bullshit man we ain't hitting none of them rick ross ain't even hitting none of them either i like the clay pigeons, man. This way we got pigeons that fly for ourselves. God, Rick Ross, dude, living different.

It's also not necessarily good to live different, you know? I did a fucking show this week. People are... You know what the fucking thing is, dude? I did a show this week with a fucking guy. I did a show at the improv, and he set it all up, and I got it on, and then another comedian wanted to do the show,

and then I feel like the other comedian just wanted to do the show because he wanted to see if he could pop in whenever he wanted, um, to do on a show that I was on just to kind of fucking flex, you know, ego fucking comedians have the weirdest egos. And so I was like, okay. And so they let me know that he wanted to do the show. And I was like, yeah, fucking awesome. Cool. Have them do the show.

And they're like, cool. I'll get a, I'll get a time for you. And they told me wanted to do the show. And I was like, yeah, fucking awesome. Cool. Have him do the show. And they're like, cool. I'll get a, I'll get a time for you. And they told him my time of the show. And then they were asking him when he wanted to go. And then he was like, I don't know. And so he's like, nevermind. I'm not doing the show. And it's like, and then they called me and they're like, he's not doing the show.

And I'm like, I don't give a fuck if he does the show or not. Put it, put them on the show. Put the people on the show. What the fuck do I care? And I realized that they're just asking me because they were wondering if I have an ego about it, and I'm like, bro, I don't give a fuck, dude, like, put anybody on the show, it doesn't matter, you know, unless they're gonna fucking, literally fucking shoot me, or backstab me, right, and so, so, so I'm like, all right.

And I had to deal with that whole shit. Like phone call. I don't like talk. I got to talk on the phone to people. Yeah, cool. And text me. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. And like this whole shit.

And it's like, it's like these, this is the word. The most annoying thing is like to be like, everyone's got their shit. Like I'm, I'm crazy. I got my own shit. We all got our own shit. We're all trying to fit in this world. Right. Everybody's talking about, I live different.

You know what I mean? And we're all trying to fucking live in this world together and cohabit. And, uh, and like, just like have your craziness, have it affect the people that at least have it affect the people that you love do you know what i'm talking about like when you're in a fucking like when i'm in a cafe and somebody walks in and they're obviously crazy and they're just like hey science is everywhere do you like lizards and you got to like deal with that you know and it's annoying as shit now i understand it's sad because the guy's brain broke and he's homeless and he's fucking dirty. And like, who knows what happens?

He's got a drug problem. He's got to suffer from addiction. It sucks. But like in that moment, a guy walks in, does that, and you're affected. Everyone in the coffee shop is affected. And you're like, oh, for fuck's sake, we had to deal with that. Okay, it's fine. We understand.

Right. But then there's people that actually fit in society. we understand right but then there's people that actually fit in society and they're not as high of a grade of a person that as these crazy people who walk into the coffee shops and say scientists everywhere but they like affect shit that you do in your life right like if you're going to drop your car off to somebody to fix it or if you order an apple pie out of marie calendars maybe the person you're ordering it is one of these people and you got to deal with them and they affect your life and fine. That's okay. You know, it's annoying as shit, but it's like, dude, I got to deal with it in a work situation. Okay. But then there's people that

you see like every day, they're not necessarily your friends. And maybe you have one or two or three or four or six people in your life like that. Especially if you know a lot of people, or you're a comedian because compete comedians are fucking nuts. So do it right. And, and you got to like deal with these people. Like I have people like this in my life, like at least my fucked upness and my craziness, at least it affects only the people I love. My mom, my dad, I blew up my life, but fucking it affected my mom, my dad, my, my fucking Kristen. You affected my mom my dad my my fucking kristin you know what i mean my brother the people that i know fucking very well and know me we all went through it together but dude if you're gonna be somebody that like comes in and just is annoying

his shit around because you got your own shit and it's affecting us and like it's my fault that you're not gonna talk to your mom about this shit like that fucking sucks am i making sense here like imagine being like a guy like that like like a guy walking into a place and you're like oh here comes fucking johnny black cloud i don't know what goddamn mood he's gonna be in it's like go fucking talk to your goddamn brother or some shit but now i got we all got to deal with this black cloud because you're the guy in the bad mood and weird and fucking shit deal with it on yourself go to fucking therapy i do a fucking choke load of therapy do you know what i mean and it's just like dude and then these people dude like you know, you know, you go, I saw it the other day.

I saw somebody deal with it. They were at a fucking place ordering a drink. And the person was like, what do you want? It's broken the system and the guy. And I'm just like, oh, fuck, dude. Talk to your husband. Do the job. Talk to your husband.

I understand it can't always be like that. And every now and then you're going to have fucking weird moments, but it's like, dude, these people who are just like energy suckers or time wasters, get them out of your life, but you can't even get them all the way out of your life because they're just there, right? It's like falling in love. You don't even mean to sometimes, and you don't even mean to sometimes and you don't even want to sometimes but you meet somebody and guess what it's just there it happens because they're around and they're nice and they smell good that's what these people are only they're the fucking dark side of it god dude figure your shit out man i don't even give a fuck about ego stuff it's like god comedians are so weird man they're so fucking weird and a lot of the you know here's what i think that they're weird

because they're weird is because a lot of these comedians this is who they are to their core being like this is what they hung on to a lot of them were fucking dorks and shit like you see them all in the fucking alt club the alt fucking they're performing at like a sex shop or a fucking back of an ikea and they're like this is the fun show all in like buttoned down fucking argyle sweaters and shit or some pants that are like too fucking thick for their stick legs and they're just like yeah so you know well the fucking political fucking this and that or hey what wolverine issue fucking 25 you ever notice and it's just like jesus christ dude dude how fringe can you be how fringe can you be like just be fucking funny, you know?

And these fucking, but it's their identity, dude. It's their fucking identity, you know? It's like, they gotta wear the glasses and the fucking thing. And we gotta, we gotta fuck up a goddamn, you know, side room in a fucking comic book store. We gotta fuck up a side room in a comic book store and do our comedy and it's like this is their identity dude because they were fucking losers and this is how they became someone and i don't even knock wanting to become someone but dude like when you're this person and you're hanging on to comedy as who you are

and you're like fuck all that shit i'm not that person dude i'm not a comedian fuck that dude and then you get your little community and shit and it's like and it's like like when i was coming up people were like oh yeah oh the six two dude with the long hair and the scruff he thinks he's funny fucking yeah dude i'm just trying to chill have a good fucking time and do some fucking silly shit oh and by the way i don't oh yeah oh he doesn't oh he doesn't have real jokes yeah i fuck jokes jokes be cornier than a motherfucker dude jokes be cornier than a motherfucker you You understand?

Why don't you get up there and just, well, what did the fucking parrot say to the fucking blah? And waka waka. Dude, jokes be cornier than a motherfucker. Say it near a fucking washing machine at a laundromat with your goddamn argyle sweater on. Oh, but he screams a lot and that's funny?

Yeah, to me. And i'll fucking lay it down dude all right but i'm not a comedian i'm a person i don't give a shit about this it's like dude you go in and then you it's like there's so the comedians are insane, dude. I didn't become a comedian for any other reason than I like to fucking fuck around and make people laugh. That's it. God, but these guys that are just like. It's just so lame dude he's fucking you know writers or whatever the fuck all right dude jump around do a fucking say a thing i don't give a shit i don't know what does it matter

i'm a different kind of person. I got the piano that played itself. Just wanted to fucking get to that line so badly, you know? I got the piano that played itself. Like, just say it in a rap song, you fucking loser. Ah, Rick Ross, you're good, though. You make good music. I saw, have you ever seen an ad that's so confusing that I literally didn't know?

Have you ever seen these fucking Superbowl commercials? They're just, they're not that good, dude. There's maybe one good one, a Superbowl. And how annoying is it? The person who thinks they have a personality that's like, you know, I only watch the Superbowl for the commercials. Oh really dude? Here's the nobel peace prize oh yeah man cool you're just dripping with personality hey i'd love to sit and chat with you for three hours oh you watch the super bowl because of the oh how

quirky dude are you like watching fucking bud light commercials you boring piece of shit oh which commercial did you like the one that fucking starred gary oldman at the end or the one with 9 000 horses doing some bullshit for budweiser dude it's a fucking comer the budweiser commercials are forget you're not curing cancer from the very depths of who we are. You know what I mean? Get shit faced. This it's like, dude, it's beer. Saving lives one soul at a time.

And then Gary Oldman come like, you know, they'll get some like high profile fucking actor that like where you're like, not even even it's not even like Bruce Willis. It's like, what the fuck is this guy doing a commercial for? You know what I mean? They'll get like Daniel Day-Lewis in a Kleenex commercial. You don't even know. Daniel Day-Lewis is such a good actor. You don't even know what his voice even sounds like.

And he'll be in like some fucking jerky. He'll be in some jerky fucking like uh carfax commercial we were like wow carfax has that much money i who knew and daniel day lewis would be like show me the carfax um just covered in blood but yeah dude i saw an ad already by the way that confused this um, just covered in blood. But yeah, dude, I saw an ad already, by the way,

that confused this. Were you, you ever see an ad and you're just like, is this a movie or not? I watch, it was on, first of all, I'm on Instagram.

I'm looking at Instagram, BMW post. I don't follow BMW or no, maybe I do. I don't know. Either way, you know how shit pops up. You don't even follow it.

You're just like scrolling Instagram and something will pop up and it'll be like hardwood floors. What the fuck? I don't follow hardwood floors. Well, that's kind of a nice floor. Maybe I'll get a floor one day. And then you go and you see some fucking hoe just with no parents that never was raised right with just tits out holding the watch up. Like, look at my watch. And you're like, okay, but cleavage.

the watch up like look at my watch and you're like okay but cleavage and um and i scroll i keep scrolling i see bmw posts a picture with fucking um what's her name selma hayek and it says uh like whatever her it's like a a fucking greek mythology picture of her like this and it's got like all this, like, like her Greek name, like Hermes, like she's playing a character. Say Hermes.

I don't know what the fuck it is, but, and then I scroll to the right and it shows like another, like a building with like lightning coming out. And, and it's got Arnold Schwarzenegger and he's holding a sword and he's got like a gray beard and he's got like fucking, and it says Zeus. And I'm like, okay.

And then you scroll through a third page and it's like another actor I've never seen, but he's like, they're pretending he's famous or something. Maybe he's famous in like England and he's like, and he's playing like another guy and it's like got lightning everywhere. And on the BMW thing thing it's like electric meets fucking thing electric what the fuck i'm gonna just gonna look at this and i'm like what the fuck is this a movie coming out or what so i look at arnold schwarzenegger's fucking page here it is hera that's who she's playing and it says sam hayek penaltinal, Hera, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Zeus, Rafe Moeller, Poseidon. And it says, coming soon, the caption, the ultimate electric performance. And that's it.

And I'm like, okay, but is it a fucking movie? So then I go to Salma Hayek's page and she posts it. So I'm like, oh, they're doing a movie. And BMW is like partnering, they're making a movie? And then I go to Arnold Schwarzenegger's shit and he posts it. So I'm like, oh, this is a new Schwarzenegger movie? Fuck yeah. And dude, they're just advertising a commercial that's coming out on the Super Bowl.

That's coming out on the Super Bowl. They're advertising advertisement on advertisement. Like, holy fucking shit, this is the inception of. And it's like, okay, oh, so they're just, it's an electric car and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, so it's an electric car and Arnold Schwarzenegger is playing Zeus in it. But you're like, what? Who the fuck are they? How am I the money, dude? Arnold Schwarzenegger

just driving around. I'm Zeus. I'm Zeus. Okay. How crazy is the fucking world, you know? You know, it's happened like two times where I thought an ad was a movie. Don't do it. Have your ad be your ad and have the movie be a movie or BMW. Make a whole fucking movie.

Make a whole movie about it. Why don't you just make a whole movie about it? Why don't you just have BMW, BMW, the movie and just make it like fucking put arnold schwarzenegger in it put some hike in it put him in it make him zeus call him zeus in it who gives a shit it'll be big make it bad who cares make it bad make it fucking bad make it in one room make arnold schwarzenegger in one and a half hours in a one and a half hour movie with some hike and arnold schwarzenegger just like Zeus. And some of Hayek is in some like revealing shit.

And he's like, I have a lightning. You know how good that would do for BMW. Are you fucking kidding me? I never brought this up. I got this tattoo, you know, because I was talking about this the other

night and i was like did uh and some and we were talking about we couldn't somebody said do you tip somebody was asking me lenochi was asking me do you tip something for something and i was like no like it was so obviously something that you don't tip for it was like so weird it was like do you was like do you tip if like you buy a backpack at fucking you know what i mean at north face like and i'm just like huh stuff is just what it costs and um and then and then i was like dude no i was like you tip if it's like a servant like a waiter or a waitress or like a ride or like pizza delivery. But like shit, the tipping thing is annoying.

Like I tip well because I understand it's hard out there and I want people to do well. I tip well. But like I live in America, but like europe they don't tip dude they're just like it costs what it fucking costs huh um it costs what it costs but you're saying in america it's extra just tell me how much it is i'll pay that it's five dollars well all right it's five dollars would you like to tip or tell me how much it is. And that's that. Right. And they're right.

That's it. That is what it should be. This whole tipping thing is fucked up. So, but I tip and I tip well. And my whole thing is like, dude, just it's for the, it's for that. It's for rides, pizza, uh, uh, waiters and waitresses. And then like, he was like, what about like a bathroom attendance? And it's like, dude, that's the most annoying

one because you, they always, you always feel like you should, because they're just standing in a bathroom and you're just like, ah, you want to give them money and be like, get out of the bathroom one day. You know? Like, that's what you're like, here's, here's a few bucks.

Get, get into a place that doesn't have piss all over it a little one day, you know? Like, that's what you're like, here's a few bucks. Get into a place that doesn't have piss all over it a little bit more, you know? It's like, it's weird and sad, and they're always like doing crazy cool shit with the towels because they're there for eight hours, you know? You just piss, you still got your cock out, and they're just like, towel?

And you're like, all right, why are you in a tux? What kind of fucking weirdo hands people with their genitals out dollar bills while you're in a tux just fucking towel and you're like here you go and then you don't have money a lot and you're like sorry i don't have and they're like no there was a nicest motherfucker. How are they nice? They're standing in a bathroom for seven hours and they're always like, oh, that's okay. I have a God bless you. I hope you win the fucking lottery. I hope you drive a Urus.

You're just like, all right, cool. That guy's happy as shit, you know, happier than me. And so, but that's annoying because it's like, I just want to piss. And it's not even that I don't want to give people my money. I don't want to have to fucking like do extra shit When I'm in the bathroom I don't want it to take any longer than it takes I just took a fucking hot shit

And like I gotta be like Oh sorry sir we're both smelling it you know Sorry here here's two dollars Here's three dollars Nice tux Water splattering everywhere It's like a fucking you know whatever people probably like we're just trying to make a buck i know it is and i do give those guys money unless i don't have fucking dollar bills on me but the weirdest one was dude i got i get tattoo like tattoos

and like i guess i didn't know you're supposed to tip your tattoo artist and they're because they're like what about haircuts my friends and i was like no you tip haircuts because they work for a fucking they have to pay a chair fee and shit like that but dude the tattoo i got it's just like i go to the tattoo guys i've gotten tattoos from a couple different guys and like they fucking i say how much is it going to be and they say around this and then so they can say anything and so I say okay and then I get there and then when they finish like the last tattoo I got the guy was like I was like okay so what I owe you and he was like uh uh four four hundred bucks like that's how he said it so I was like okay so I gave him 400 bucks and I drove home and my

fucking nanny and uh Kristen like, how much was it? I told him and they're like, would you tip him? And I was like, huh? They're like, would you tip him? And I was like, I don't know. He just told me it was 400 bucks. So I just gave him 400 bucks. They were like, you have to tip tattoo artists.

I was like, he just made up the fucking price. Like, just tell me the price. It's just, he's just chilling in a place it's not like he's got to fucking pay his rent yeah he pays rent in the place but everyone pays rent i was like just i pay i fucking paypal them as a friend it's not like he even needs to pay taxes on it dude i asked him how much he's like i don't know i guess uh four give him four hundred dollars so i give him 500 then it's like this weird thing where it's like so so it's like so i'm giving him more than that so i'm like

oh no you were wrong on your own price fuck that i'm giving you this which i guess is better for him anyway because he's making more money but then they fucking made me feel so bad when i got home that i fucking paypaled him more money just and I didn't even say anything about it I just gave it I gave him another hundred dollars and then he never texted me or anything or wrote me again and I'm like that's fine at least he got it he's got to know what it's for

and then and then and then like month later I wrote to the I fucking wrote an email to his assistant I was like hey man I'd love to come in again they're like oh yeah we're booked all the way up until this. We haven't come up with more dates. And I'm like, did I fuck up? I got to go to a whole new artist now?

Just tell me how much this shit's worth. Well, tell me what I need to give you. Don't give me the fake price and then I got to guess the real price with the tip. It's so weird to tip a tattoo artist, dude. Just tell me more. It's happened to all the tattoo artists I've gotten. They say like, it's this much money.

And then I give them that much money. And then the assistant on the first assistant was like, if you want to give him a tip, you give him a tip. And I'm just like, we're just at his house. This is so weird. $600, but actually $700. What's this fake price you're running with? Like if you're paying $600, you're paying $700. I got the piano to play this self.

Rick Ross, dude. Let's go to this throwback. Nope. I eat pears now and shit like that. Wow, dude. The fucking energy of when he says pears. I eat pears now

and shit like that. Gonna cry. Shout out to all the pear. Cincy. Out of breath. Wow, the way... I eat pears now and shit like that. Gonna cry. Shout out to all the pear. Cincy. Out of breath. Wow, the way... Eat pears now and shit like that. Gonna cry. Shout out to all the pear.

Shout out of breath. I eat pears and shit like that. Shout out to the pear. A fucking old man. I eat pears. Professor Terrence Tao Nope. Nope. pair a fucking old man i eat pears professor terence tau nope nope don't like when that happens dude fuck yeah dude when youtube keeps it moving i don't like that dude i want to do what i want to do and that's it dude here we go let's play it again i love it

i eat pears now and shit like that. I'm going to cry. Shout out to all the pear. The shortest clip of all time, dude. I eat pears and shit like that. Dude, and he goes like this, and then he gets sincey. He gets sincey. He gets insecure, hanging it out, that he's like, I guess I'll do a wiggle. He left it out there for too long, and it was like,

shout out to pear, shut like that. Wow. How much would Joe Biden do the exact same thing? For real. Wait, shut up. One of the greatest clips of all time. Oh fuck.

It didn't do it again. God damn it. One of the greatest clips of all time. I eat pear and shit like that. I can't believe how much he's going to cry. I eat pears now and shit like that. Shout out to all the pear. Sancy.

How about the other guy? Wow, I never realized it, dude. He's doing the thing where he's fucking like... That's don't do it 101 on interviewing that's interviewing 101 dude just holding the mic waiting for gold and just oh pair

wow dude so bitch the other guy was that's probably why I was gonna cry because the guy was so bitch how much is that Bill Nye? he's got pears now and shit like that wow look at him shout out to all the pair oh oh wow dude a velociraptor that guy with his mouth open a pair like that shout out to all pair i got the piano that plays itself wow how sad you know just chill just do stuff regular

billionaire um dude this was awesome the dave grohl thing the dave grohl thing this is when i tell you i aspire to be this i fucking howled at this everything through and through this whole thing is the most g'd up from the feed up thing i think i i think one of the most awesome celebrity things i've seen in a i mean I would say definitely since the coronavirus. I mean, I would say probably in the tooth, you'd be hard pressed to find something so ill to do as a celebrity in the past fucking decade. I will say that I'll go on record to say this. The fucking, if you're talking about video, there's been some great funny, weird, stupid tweets and shit,

like the Richard Carnes thing, like about how he said, I've been thinking about doing NFTs, but I'm not going to do it. There's been some great moments, but this shit, dude, all of it from the beginning. Just starting, I'm going to say it one more time, talking to them like a school teacher.

Unbelievable. I'm sorry, Jack. I've never even seen you before. I'm going to say it one more time. Talking to them like a school teacher. Unbelievable. I'm going to say it one more time. Talking to a group of people who are just holding pictures of him, you know? So worshiping him. And he's already at the near end of his rope. But this is the near end of his rope as Dave Grohl gets. Because he is, by all accounts, I've always heard, one of the nicest dudes in the world. Okay? I saw him at the comedy store once.

And he was literally the whole time just watching everyone like this. Like just the nicest guy. Okay? I'm going to say it one more time. And he doubled down. He made it softer. Unbelievable. Internalized it softer. Unbelievable. Internalized his anger and didn't lash out.

So many guys would be like, I'm going to say this one more time, but you got to, I'm going to say it one more time. But he fucking breathed it in and then just, I'm going to say it one more time. Like he's hypnotizing you. I mean, that is so, Already that's G'd up. Okay? But is it G'd up from the feet up?

Let's see. I'm going to say it one more time. Amazing. I'm going to say it one more time. Reset. Lower. I stopped signing shit unless it's for charity. Eh?

Gandhi. Eh? Mother Teresa. gandhi mother teresa so now he secretly handed you he secretly handed these people who are trying to make quick dollars off of dave grohl's signature handfuls of shit and he's saying you are this right because i only signed for charity so now what are you going to say you now what are you going to say you're going to still want a signature and you're going to take money out of charity's mouth here handing you shit you are this guys there's enough to go around okay so that's amazing that he did that in a very soft spoken boy i'm gonna say it one more time i'm gonna say it one more time wow i stopped signing shit unless it's for charity okay can we donate something can we donate you said that and

signed in dc the next day that's it oh that guy's such a bitch you said? You said that and you signed in D.C. the next day. That's it. Oh, that guy's such a bitch. You said that in New York and then you signed in D.C. the next day. Such a tattletale, dude. Such a tattletale, dude. Don't be that guy, right? Oh, you said, you said, you said. Don't be that fucking guy. Now let's see what he goes on to. This is the best. What he goes

on to. This is what makes him the true G. I'm going to say it one more time. I'm going to say it one more time. I'm going to say it one more time. Unbelievable. School teacher. I stopped signing shit unless it's for charity. Can we donate something?

You said that in New York and then signed in D.C. the next day. Here we go. Here we go. Best part. You can write my son's name on it. Here's the other thing. See ya. Come on, Dave, please. You can push. Dude.

Here's the other thing. He was actually searching for something to say. I know it, dude. He was getting ready to say something else and then realized, no matter what I do, it's going to be so stupid. This isn't going to end well. And then he fucking jutted his elbows out. Like a marionette. said see ya and fucking turned on a dime and ran into his suv where he's getting driven by g'd up from the feed up award goes to dave grohl dude that is so unreal here's the other thing see ya dude so fucking good wow dude i only

signed shit i stopped signing shit unless it's for charity and here's the other thing see ya dude that is so how did he do that that's like bad acting in real life like in a movie you'd be like ah come on you could have done it better but this guy bad acting in real life. Like in a movie, you'd be like, ah, come on, you could have done it better, but this guy killed it in real life, dude. We weren't going to do it, but Dave Grohl, just killing it,

dude. One fire. Just send me this one. Ringo, Ringo doing it, doing a different thing like that. Maybe this is a serious message to everybody. Ringo doing it, doing a different thing like that, maybe.

This is a serious message to everybody watching my update right now. Peace and love. On so many Quaaludes. On so many Quaaludes. Saying so many words. Has no idea what he's going to say. This is a serious message to everybody watching my update right now. Peace and love. Peace and love. Not even his hand. I want to tell you

please, after the 20th of October, do not send fan mail to any address that you have. Nothing will be signed after the 20th of October. If that has a date on the envelope, it's gonna

be tossed. I'm gonna do this. I'm warning you with peace and love. I have too much to do. No more fan mail. Thank you. Thank you. No objects to be signed. Nothing. Anyway, peace and love. Peace and love. I'm warning you with peace and love,

he said. Can't warn someone with peace and love won't work. I'll hug you. Dude, unbelievable. That is unbelievable. Wow. That is so good, dude. The egos.

I'm doing that. I'm going to put that out. I am warning you with peace and love. I will not be signing anything. I like how he gave himself a date. Like if you've got your last thing, if you're about to send it in, hopefully you get it done today because after this, and also, this was obviously

done in the 80s. Where was this put out? There was no social media. Like, even if there was social media, even if you did it now, people would still send it in because they'd be like, oh, I didn't see that. Where was, what was he fucking sending VHSs to his fans' houses? I'm warning you with peace and love it will do not send objects to sign the fact that he thought

he had to do this and not just not sign stuff is on fucking real dude that is so good lucy in the sky with diamonds. Oh, wow, dude. We ought to watch that again. I mean, starts in, eh, so close on his eyes and zooms out to his face. Why? Wanted to make it artistic. This is a serious message to everybody

watching my update right now. Peace and love, peace and love. I want to tell you, please, after the 20th of October, do not send fan mail to any address that you have.

Nothing will be signed after the 20th of October. Oh, my. If that has a date on the envelope, it's going to be tossed. I'm warning you with peace and love but i have too much to do so no more fan mail thank you thank you dude this was in 2008 and eighth what the fuck camera was he using he posted this in 2008 was this his first tweet they didn't have video back then on twitter wow dude i've just posted it on fucking Ringo Starr's YouTube page.

Finally, social media. Like that was what he was. Now I can get my message out. I don't have to sign anything anymore. Get the camera ready. Let's post this now that there's a YouTube. Oh my god, dude. We gotta

fucking get to that. I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna do that. I gonna do that i'm not signing anything anymore i signed something the other day i sent a lot of stuff the other day actually i'm done um i guess we're good right um listen guys we got the new merch don't push me dude right don't make it easy for me to just move on don't nudge me for me to just move on. Don't nudge me. Wear that Eagle proud, dude. Let them know. Stand your motherfucking spot. Stand in your spot, dude. That's yours. And then Brea, California, go to chrislea.com. Irvine, California, go to chrislea.com. I got shows coming up. Check the website. I might add more by the time this comes out. Who knows? But hey, guys, that's the episode for today.

If you want to catch the rest of the episode, uncut, no commercials, no ads, no nothing, and extra footage and extra bits or whatever you want to call it on patreon.com slash Crystalia. Go over to patreon.com slash Crystalia. Support the show. It really helps us keep this show going. It's six bucks a month, and you get behind the scenes of,

what do you call it, the videos I do, my vlogs. There's extra content, and there's other things that we do as well, and we have a Discord that we chat on. So come on over to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Thanks a lot. Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations

Congratulations Motherfucking Bob You scared the fuck out of me Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker you have a fuzzy on your mustache