Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 238. The Cow That Milks Itself

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris checks in on Rick Ross and his recent livestock acquisition. We also have a legendary James Brown interview, a trip to the La Brea tarpits, and some Missed Connections!  🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. We're back with another episode, my babies, what's up?

And you know how it goes, we got the merch firing away. Don't push me, with the eagle eagle showing you what's up, right? It's a perfect thing for now, right? Get it and rep the cult. Don't push me and let that eagle soar. And we're off and running. There's other merch too. You go get the Worldwide Life Rips.

That's been selling out. I keep having to re-up the Life Rips tie-dyed hoodie. We got them all, man. Go to crystalia.com and check it out. I'll be in Irvine on April. In April, you can go get tickets. Some of the shows are sold out already, so go check it out, crystalia.com. I'm adding more dates as it is

and as it goes. I just got some offers to do tours in different cities and shit, so we'll see, dude. Just go check it out, I'm doing a. I just got some offers to do tours in different cities and shit. So we'll see dude. Just go check it out. Crystalia.com. I'll be having more and more dates up there. And all that.

And that's really it about that. We have the Patreon. If you want to support the show. Patreon.com. Slash Crystalia. It really helps you get. We have other. We have an extra episode a month and then

we also have um different things that we do like a whole other show that we do uh called uh review mode it's a segment that we do we put out on patreon and then we also have uh behind the scenes of the with Chris videos there's extra footage and all that shit in a discord and you know it's honestly it's on and popping I don't like to say that a lot, but it's definitely on and popping. And, um, so that's the Patreon and, um, that's it. The other, this past, we just got done with the Brea, uh, shows. We, we did six shows. We, uh, it was Crystalia and friends and man, it was fucking so great. It was great to get back out there. You know, I did the San Diego shows and I did the Oxnard shows and they were great. And the acts just kind of like building. And I got about 40 something minutes, um, that I'm doing. Um, and I had Eric Griffin out there, Chappelle Lacey, Maddie Chimber, uh,

Britt Schmidt, Mike Linoche, and, uh, maybe one or two other guys that I'm forgetting. Fuck, whatever. But, oh, Brendan Schaub, of course. And it was just fucking great, man. It was really cool. Everyone came out. I mean, we sold about 3,300 tickets. So that's what's up, man. I mean, everyone was there and it was fun.

We had a good time. You know, we took the fucking van there. We had to get a van. We got a sprinter van for it. We picked everyone up. We came to my house and then we went to the fucking Brea Improv and bro, the driver drove so fast

it was unbelievable. And Eric Griffin was like, fucking, what is this Mario Kart? And I laughed for about fucking, I laughed for about five minutes to think of the guy. Dude, we were bouncing. We thought it was going to be another one of those fucking,

what is the, Tracy Morgan. Dude, he was so fast. We were like, basically the 10 of us in the car were like, we're going to get in action. I don't think we'll die, but it'll be fucked up.

But he was just fucking fast as shit. And we were talking about shit the whole time. And then the, the only time the driver joined the conversation is when we started talking about fentanyl. He's like, well, you know, the thing about fentanyl is, and he starts telling us about fentanyl and we were like, okay, you're going 95 miles an hour and only chiming in when we talk about fentanyl.

Hey, be a better guy. You know, don't be such a fucking mishap of a person, dude. He was going 95 miles. No, dude, he actually hit almost a hundred miles an hour. We saw the dashboard. And then there was one time where I was like, Hey man, you know, I mean, look, dude, I spoke up. I was like, Hey man, we were not in any rush.

Don't even worry about it, man. Don't, don't worry worry about the way you're going You're going real fast, we can just chill We're chill, baby And he was like, oh man, no, don't even He's like, this ain't nothing, man He's like, I drive these roads all the time I drive these highways, I know these highways completely

But I'll slow down, man, if you want No worries, we'll get there, we'll go real slow And I was like, Jesus Dude, that's like such a weird way to think to be like, yo, I know these freeways. I can go a hundred miles an hour. Traffic's different every day. It's not like these are like, you don't know what the cars are going to do though. Pretty much freeways are all the same, right? Freeways are pretty much this way. freeways are all the same, right?

Freeways are pretty much this way. Sometimes they do this. And very rarely do they do this. But also, slow down because of all the cars that do this kind of stuff, right? Those are going to... And then we're going to... And six of us will die, right? So right so just no don't worry about it i know

these through is dude that's such a dude you know to be like bro i got it don't even worry about it i got it handled and it's like yeah but you don't though man you're not orchestrating the whole matrix right you're not jesus christ you're not in these guys's minds we're gonna die we all die and we're all in fucking hell and the driver and we're just like see motherfucker and he's like well you know it wasn't my fault man there was some you know that what what like i just uh he was going so fucking fast, and we were shitting ourselves. And that's it, dude. Really, I don't have anything to say besides that.

But we got to Brea, and it was really nice, man, and it was good, and we had a fucking good time. Dude, those crowds were pretty bonkers. Pretty fucking bonkers. And that's it. And then we drove back. Well, Friday, I didn't like, I had to work. So I was, we did a video for, um, on the way on the more Chris D'Elia channel. Calvin's birthday was he turned two dude, you know, and he's like a person.

Oh, it's fucking awesome, dude. He's doing shit where he's just like standing on the couch and just falling off and going bonk. It's like so cute. And then, and then then like i laughed so hard at it man kids get away with doing shit that make you laugh that if anyone else did it you'd just be like yo can you fucking stop doing that this is so annoying but it's just so beautiful he's just standing on the couch jumping off like i get mad at fucking mike lenochi for the same shit um but it's a fucking uh he we did um so kristen wanted to she had a very like crafty childhood

like her mom was always like creating shit and like worlds and like lettered like her mom would let kristen do great like there was like, do whatever they want day. They had do whatever they want day once a year. And she would be like, what do you want to do? And Kristen would be like, I want to swim from fucking 9.00 AM to 8.00 PM. And her mom would be like, okay. And they'd just be in the pool the whole time. And it's like bad mom, but good mom, you know, cause she turned out to be a great person, but she would be like, I just want to eat cake for breakfast. And mom would be like, okay, bad mom, but also good mom you know because she turned out to be a great person but she would be like i just want to eat cake for breakfast and mom would be like okay bad mom but also good mom you know once in a day you got to let your shit you got to let the people do that right it's why they it's like it's why they give fucking uh convicts uh you know uh uh fucking a workout place when it's like you know

they don't really need to get stronger what are they doing besides beating the shit out of each other but it's how they get their aggression out, right? So, yeah, she would be like, what do you want to do? And she's like, let's go on a murdering spree. And she'd be like, okay, today's the only day. Bad mom, but good mom, right? It's like the purge. So, anyway, she took that with her and it made, want to be a good mom, which is great.

And so, so Kristen now is like wanting to do all the shit for Calvin, which is awesome. And I got to be like, they're also thinking like about how awesome it is. But also I want to be like, you know, like God, life isn't always going to be like this, man. Don't get like fucking. So don't think that you're, you know, it's always going to be like this, right? People aren't going to always be happy. You walk into a room, right? Like, I don't want to tell him this yet because he's only fucking two, but like when he walks into a room, it doesn't matter who's in that room. Plus he only knows like 25 people still because of COVID the first year of his fucking life. He knew like 12 people and that's it. And everyone, time he walked into a room, everyone would be like, oh my God.

Hi. Like, dude, like he's a Prince or some shit. And so he's going to grow up and I got to be like, bro, you know, just, I don't know when the right time is to be like, yo, bro, it's not always going to be like this. You got it. You know, you're going to walk into a room sometimes and people are going to fucking hate you. I don't want to be like that because that's what I always thought.

I don't know what it was about my childhood, but like I had this thing where whenever I walk into a room, I think everyone's going to fucking hate me. I think either what they think is, oh, that guy saw me on stage and doesn't like my comedy or know somebody that knows me that doesn't like me and heard about me and thinks I'm a piece of shit or something. And I've always thought that in my life. I need to walk into a room and win people over now am i working that out in therapy yes does it is it some deep-seater issues yes does it come to do with my childhood yes was my childhood great yes

but did i have microaggressions probably is it okay learning about it right okay and it's all good my babies because i'm becoming a person I was born the same year my son was. So in a way, we're both two. But yeah, so we, she was like, Kristen was like, you take him to the tar pits. And when you do, I'm going to redecorate his whole room. He loves dinosaurs. Calvin loves fucking dinosaurs. And so she was like, okay, her mom came out and they both got to fucking like it's not even like

they just paint they painted it they fucking cut out dinosaurs she drew dinosaurs on wood she cut out dinosaurs and dude she fucking like literally like cut out wood pieces of dinosaurs and then took those wood pieces out and glued them together to make a t-rex it's like un-fucking-believable anyway you can go on it you can see the more crystalia channel uh surprising calvin and dude she turned to her uh uh turned the calvin's room while we were at the tar pits seeing dinosaurs by the way and the fucking security dude ruined it man i was like calvin want to go see dinosaurs he was like more dinosaurs and he was like there's no dinosaurs in there and i was like what's this guy talking about, what do they just

have, what do they have to tarp it, and I walked in, and I realized they have woolly mammoths, and saber-toothed tigers, and shit like that, and they weren't technically dinosaurs, like, there's no t-rexes, and no fucking stegosauruses, or ankylosauruses, but I'm like, this security guard is gonna fucking, like, like, he's gonna, like, fucking big-time me, and be like, actually, you know, it's saber-toothed tigers, a different time period. They actually existed with humans and dinosaurs didn't. This makes me laugh how you're saying dinosaurs when in actuality, you're going to go in there, there's no diplosaurus in there, to be brutally honest with you. And it's like, dude, okay, but I'm with a two-year-old, right?

And I grew up my whole life thinking that there were dinosaurs at the fucking La Brea Tar Pits. And guess what? It's fine. I'm 41 and I'm still kicking, right? And Calvin walks in, he just, more dinosaurs. And now Calvin's pointing to a fucking saber-tooth tiger saying, dinosaur, dinosaur. And I know it's not a dinosaur because of the security guard. And he's saying, dinosaur, dinosaur. And now I'm like, should I interject and be like, well, dude, actually. And so the security guard tried to ruin my day, but he didn't do it because I looked at my son. And all he realized is that fucking the only thing that matters is love. Security guards can't ruin shit.

Not for me. Not when it comes to love, my baby. Not when it comes to love my baby not when it comes to bringing my son to the fucking labrea tar pits dude okay and so i fucking looked at the labrea tar pits and then we went to go watch a 3d movie about ice age we thought it was going to be cute and then realized there were rabid fucking dire wolves trying to fucking take down woolly mammoths and fucking going for their jugular and calvin was watching it in 3d so we left all good but we left wasn't really something that a two-year-old should watch so we left um and then we went to look at more dinosaurs in the tar pits dude it's crazy how there's just like fucking tar pits in hollywood in the middle of hollywood is where like dinosaurs

died i guess is what they're saying ah Dinosaurs died in the middle of Hollywood? Like, seriously? That's what you're trying to tell me? Like, dude, there were fucking brontosauruses just chilling in WeHo? Gay ones, you know? It's like, roar! Roar! Two gay brontosaur is just fucking each other sucking their brontosaurus dicks

dude brontosaurus on his back no a brontosaurus on his back and then another brontosaurus doing it missionary and the brontosaurus dick flopping all over the place upwards ah that's the stuff i think about got probs dude i never really realized that when like gay guys have sex like you could do it i always imagined it was doggy style but you can actually do it when the guy's on the back and then you're facing him and then it's crazy because his dick is everywhere right you don't ever really think about that just flopping all around if i do it i'd be in trouble man i'd be knocking out fucking chandeliers and shit my shit is large and in charge but it's all good dude that's not what we're here to talk about, right?

I'm talking about my son and the La Brea Tar Pits. Great. Cool. Great. Great. So, yeah. So we went to the fucking La Brea Tar Pits and then I came back and Calvin fucking took a nap in our room. They finished up and then we fucking let Calvin in.

And dude, it's so cute. When he gets excited, he goes like this. He's excited. I want him to only be doing that for a little bit longer, though, because when he gets super old, if he gets older and he does that, then it's like, okay, well, does he have a problem? Okay, anyway, but it's awesome that he does that, dude. It's so cute.

And he goes right to the dinosaur book. He's like, dinosaur book? And he goes, out of blue, he just says, tadactyl. And we're like, how did you even learn that? You don't have to teach kids shit. I didn't know that. I didn't know that they'll just pick shit up. I'm a first't know that. I didn't know that they'll just pick shit up. I'm a first-time dad.

I didn't know that they'll just pick shit up. Like, he just was walking around and saying, oh, shit. I didn't even know. Like, I never taught him, oh, shit. He just goes, oh, shit. And then he also fucking was trying to put something together, and he couldn't put it together. And then he goes like this, dad, dad, do it.

And I'm like, how do you even know that sentence so that i did it anyway dude talking about my son too much um but yeah it was his birthday he's over two now and it's all good rick ross ready for it right now i'm ready for it i'm ready for it i I'm ready for it. Hey, Rick Ross, dude, you're so lonely, okay? You were fucking sporting a flamethrower with some Lakers shorts on in your house, and then you got the piano to play itself and took a video that started this whole fucking congratulations series. Hey, Rick Ross, you're lonely. So what do you do next? Say it back.

Say it back. Okay. Okay. Okay. Say it back. Say Opens the thing in the back of the thing. I'm happier than a motherfucker. This is a dream come true for Rose. He bought a cow. I'm happier than a motherfucker. This is a dream come true for Rose This is for a young boy from

Cary City to have horses And now a big boy At it come on down you good You good yeah Oh my god A kid a child on a roller coaster That's yours Welcome to the promised land baby

Promised land I mean What an asshole that's yours welcome to the promised land baby promised land welcome to the promised land i mean what an asshole oh them horses looking mind your business so dick to his cow already or to his horses cow shows up and he and then he treats the horses like shit and the cows i go i see my future welcome to the promised land he's in a fucking you know an enclosed fucking it's like what like you know a hundred feet by a hundred feet welcome to the promised land hell yeah one cow just now the cow is just as lonely as fucking rick ross hey rick ross get friends i got a cow sad dude if ever buy a cow, shoot me in the fucking face, straight up. If I ever buy a cow, shoot my face. Shoot it a few times. You're lonely. Did you buy a cow?

You're lonely. Did you buy a cow? Do you sell meat? No, you're lonely. You bought a cow? Do you sell dairy products? No. You cry a lot. You're lonely, Rick Ross. Dude, Rick Ross is his rap name. Rick Ross is someone else. How hilarious is that?

Dude, that's so funny. He's not even Rick Ross. Rick Ross is Rick Ross. And he's so lonely that he got a piano that plays itself, fucking sports a flamethrower in his dining room, and bought one cow. So fucking lonely, dude. Who are you?

You're sad, bro. All good. You're sad. Maybach music. Dude, how fucking fucking i got the cow that milked itself i got the cow that milks itself squirt squirt rose that's so bad dude oh good dude my fucking i mean i can't what's the fucking where's the thing no that's dj khaled um god dude and these white dudes just fucking unloading the cow like fuck

yeah just no they know they think he's a fucking idiot imagine you're a cow and you're rick ross's cow right god damn just tearing you from your family and then you got to go sit in a fucking stable outside of this asshole with a flamethrower and you're fucking in there you're in the fucking stable and you're just inside you just occasionally see fucking flames through the window and you're like there he goes fuck here in the piano Get the piano I got the cow that milks itself I'm happier than a motherfucker. This is a dream come true for Rosé.

You know what this is for? A young boy from Cary City to have horses. And now, a big boy at it. Come on down. You good. You good. Yeah! I mean, like screaming.

Say it's mine, you know? You're you. Yeah, it's yours, me. Just has no idea how to speak English. It's an alien in Rick Ross's body. That's yours, me. Oh no, they'll figure me out. That's yours, me. Oh no, they'll figure me out. Um, that's yours, me.

Wait, what the heck? You mean it's yours? Um, yes. Fucking vaporizes the people who heard it. I got the cow that milks itself. Dude, he's got to get the cow in the dining room to play the piano so he could say, I got the cow that milks itself playing the piano that plays itself. I got the cow that milks itself playing the piano that

plays itself. I got the cow that plays. I got the cow that plays the piano. I got the cow that milks itself playing the piano that plays itself. I don't need the piano to play yourself no more because I got the cow that milks itself to play the piano that plays itself. Just with the flamethrower. to play the piano that plays itself.

Dude, just with the flamethrower. I got the cow that milks itself playing a piano that plays itself that don't gotta play itself anymore. Happier than a motherfucker. Not tricking anyone, but Diddy. Diddy. I got a buddy that fucking every time I realize he's in the middle of a conversation with somebody around me, I know for sure that the other person isn't excited or invested about the conversation. Yes, dude. you're born get better

dude he'll just corner someone with his hands in his pockets just like yeah and that's the thing about water and you're just like nope no dude don't get that my buddy's basically npr bro he'll fucking he's a rear naked choco he'll put your ass to sleep baby man you won't even know what happened after the conversation you wake up and you're like where am i bro get get more engaging he talks like fucking that that that that that that that sing a little bit when you talk dude you gotta have some fucking notes up and down when you talk you got look at look dude hi how you doing you say hey what's up how are you hey how are you if you know somebody that's like hey how you doing oh dude sing a little bit when you speak right

but my god dude i need there needs to be this. I need to start a service. Um, I need to start a service conversation checkers, like where you can hire my guys to come out. Cause here's the thing when you, what's the worst part about a party getting stuck in a fucking conversation and being annoyed as shit that you had to talk to somebody about their week and you're not only never going to see them again but you never even met them right oh oh this is a time suck for me i've got to hear about how you went to the dry cleaners and they fucked up your shit and i don't know you and i'll never know you again this is a black hole bud what a disrespectful fucko you are i'm here to enjoy

my friend's engagement or fucking birthday and and you gotta put me in a time suck i'm basically one of those fucking uh cogs and minority report that just chills this is where i am now i'm in that white water just chilling with two other dudes touching my heads with their heads just trying to predict the future but i'm not even able to do that because you're sucking my time talking about dry cleaning. That's the worst part about parties and you know it. Okay. It's the worst part about parties. So I'm going to start a new business called conversation checkers. And I'm going to hire people that go to your parties. You can hire one to like 10, depending on how fucking big your party is and they go and when they sense two people in the conversation too long they approach you and they say hi i'm

just checking the conversation do you guys both want to be in this and then you tell the guy you tell the guy by yourself you rip rip off and you say, I'm actually having a good time. It's kind of interesting. I didn't know he went to the fucking Australian Outback for a summer. And we're just talking about that. I said, okay, let me check with the other guy. Hey, do you want to be in it?

And the guy says, yeah, actually, I haven't really talked about my Australian Outback experience a long time. And I'm finding it really cathartic and it's nice. Okay, great. Continue. Or the conversation shows up and say, hi, I'm just checking. Would both of you like to be in this conversation? And then one guy pulls you off and says, yeah, actually I've been going through a divorce and it's really nice to be able

to talk to somebody about it, even though I don't really know the person. It makes me feel good to get it off my chest. Okay. I'll be right back, sir. Hey, would you like to talk to the, uh, hey, how, how's the conversation going? And he says, man, I don't even really know this guy. And he's just kind of like talking to me about how shitty his ex-wife is. And it's, it's really a lot for me. And I just came to have fun at this party. And he says, okay, uh, excuse me, guys, uh, gather around and then gets the two people and says, so, uh, I'm not going to mention who, but one of you guys really doesn't want to be involved in this conversation. So it would be nice if you just split up.

And then you do that, dude. That's a great fucking, that is a great thing that I can provide. Service. That's a great service. Conversation. Conversation. Conversation checkers, dude. I'm so... These people are so boring, dude.

Everyone's so boring. Get better. At least do something. Right? You don't have to buy a fucking cow, but be more interesting, dude. Imagine how fucking boring Rick Ross

is at parties. You know, I bought a cow. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, cool. So, how do you know Daniel? Oh, shit. I got a flamethrower. Oh, you do? Yeah, sometimes I just walk around my house topless

Fire that motherfucker off Your boy at it again Oh yeah? You work with him or you work with Daniel? Y'all ever been in a room with nothing in it But a piano playing silently in the dark By yourself No

I got that. Huh. Yeah. I got a cow. Did I tell you I got a cow? Yeah. How do you know Daniel? That boy free in my stable.

Sometimes the horses look at the cow. I'm telling them I'm in their business. Huh. Huh. Boss. Oh, yeah? Yeah boss Boss though You can say it like boss

Oh It's like sauce You wanna try it? What? You wanna try to say it? Say what, boss? But like, boss. I don't know.

Sure. Boss. Boss. Boss. I got a cow. I feel honestly like that's how a conversation goes at a party with Rick Ross. Like how fucking boring could it fucking be? Boss.

Maybach music. Dude. Fuck, man. Wow, we make fun of Rick Ross a lot in this, huh? I don't know what old rappers do. Like Snoop Dogg fucking is a model for Gucci now. I guess I'm done with... I have some Gucci stuff.

Not again, though. Snoop Dogg is a model for it. They jumped the... Snoop Dogg got a G-Star campaign and then a Gucci campaign and it's like okay so I guess I'm done with it like Snoop Dogg just how many Snoop Dogs are there this motherfucker's in everything I gotta fucking chill though you know dude I was in fucking uh I had a show the other night sometimes people talk shit

like people talk shit when all my stuff went down people talk shit like friends that i had would like just use my shit for clickbait and it was so fucking annoying and some people had like tweeted stuff that was like it was like i see stuff on twitter i'm like motherfucker you're my friend you've been in my house like what like call me at least like what the fuck? And they're just making jokes at my expense and shit. And, uh, I, you know, now that I'm doing shows, I see these motherfuckers out. Like I see them out and like, I'm not going to not say something to them because like, I don't know. Like I'm, it's not even like that.

I had this mentality where it's like, I ain't no bitch. It's like, I just, I'm going to have to keep seeing these people. And so therefore I'm going to approach you about the dumb fucked up shit you said about me. Right. Like, and I'm not just going to let it go because I don't know what they think when you like get, when the mob comes after you, that you're just going to like go away and not come back forever. Like these people are fucking idiots. Like the people that joined the mob and shame, like, dude, you know, now I have to see you. So now what?

And comics are such fucking bitches. Like anytime I bring it up, they're like, well, you know, technically I, and you're just like, dude, all right. So I was on the show with this one dude that I actually like. And he said some things online, like one or two things online where I was like, it made me mad. And I was all amped all day. I was like having conversations in my head.

Like I'm going to see this dude and I'm going to give him a piece of my mind and shit. The show was at like 10. And then before that I had therapy. I had fucking therapy for two and a half hours. It was group therapy with a bunch of different other dudes. And we all go along and we check in our stories every day, uh, every, uh, for the week or whatever. And we, we make sure that we're being held accountable and fucking, you know, our addicts are in check and all that shit. And they said, Chris, what's

on your mind? And I'm like, oh, well, dude, I got this show later and there's this dude and he talked a little bit of shit and I liked the guy, but he really pissed me off and I can't wait to fucking approach him. And I just get so mad and I'm dealing with this fucking anger and shit. And I can't wait to see him and just be like, what's up motherfucker. And they're like, but I'm like, but I know that that's not healthy and shit. So I'm checking it in with you. So like, I fucking feel, I feel fucking angry and all this shit. And one of the dudes is like, uh, oh, so what do you want to do?

And I was like, what do you mean? What do I want to do? My therapist was like, well, what do you want to do when i was like what do you mean what i want to do my therapist was like well what do you want to do when you get to the show how do you see it going down and i'm like i'm gonna i'm gonna show up and i'm gonna i don't know i want to be like what the fuck bro why'd you do that shit and they're like oh why because you want them him to know why do you want to say that it's because i want him to know i'm angry i want to know that what he did was a dick and they say why and i'm like well because what he did wasn't right and i say because you knew and they say why is it because he knows me and he was just like fucking adding to the mob and trying to

get clicks and fucking grow his twitter following or whatever and he was using me and the motherfucker opened for me once and they were like well how do you see that going down like what are you going to say and i'm gonna say i'm gonna go up to him and i'm gonna say yo that was fucked up that you did that that's fucked up i know you and this and that and there's like and what do you think he's gonna say and you say i don't know maybe he's gonna be like um well either he's gonna be like sorry or he's gonna be like why the fuck are you coming at me like that fuck you and they're like which one do you think it'll be, and I said, I don't know, they say, do you think that you'll get what you want if you come at him like that, and I'm like, well, I don't know, what do I want, they're like, what do you want,

I said, I don't know, I want him to know that like, what he did fucking hurt me, and they were like, well, then why don't't you instead of what you want to do why don't you just walk up to them and say hey what you did really hurt me and i was like i don't know they're like don't you think that that would get your point across better and i was like yeah They're like, don't you think that that would get your point across better? And I was like, yeah. Like, okay, why don't you do that?

And I was like, yeah. I guess you're right. But he should know that he was a dick. And I said, well, if you tell him that he hurt you, you probably have a better chance of making him see the situation and feel worse than if you just came at him all aggressively because he might just meet you with aggression. And I was like okay i guess i i guess i'll do that and i did i took what they fucking said

and i went to my show and i saw the dude and i said hey man well first of all he said hi to me which i was like what he's gonna act like this shit didn't happen. Now, like I said, I like this guy. This is not a guy I don't like. And, uh, I walked up to him and I said, Hey man, I just want to let you know, like, uh, you know, when I was going after my shit, like I was having a really hard, dark time and it was hard for me, very, very hard. And, uh, a lot of people came after me with the mob and the shaming and all that shit. And you were a part of that. Um, and it really, really bothered me and it really hurt me. And the guy says, what? And I said, yeah, you, you, you tweeted some stuff and it really fucking hurt my feelings,

man. And it put me in a shit. It made, made it harder for me mentally. And he said, I did. He's like, oh my God, dude. No, I like to think that I don't do that kind of stuff. I swear. I don't think I did. He's like, oh my God, dude, no, I like to think that I don't do that kind of stuff. I swear. I don't think I did. And I said, well, I, I, I Googled it today just to make sure that you did and it's still up and you did. And he said, oh my God. And he had to go on stage and

he did a good set, came back down and he said, yo dude, uh, you know, I said, that was a great set, man. And he said, yeah, man. He's like, look, I like to say like, I'm not that kind of person that does that kind of stuff. And I genuinely don't remember doing that. Um, but if I did do it, like, I'm really sorry. And I was like, that's cool, man. I always knew you to be a good guy. I just wanted to let you know, you know?

And, uh, he walked out and then I did my set and I did well, um, fucking completely leveled the place all good. That's not part of the story, but, uh, and then that was that. And it went well. So I guess I'm just trying to advocate therapy. You know, you don't necessarily have to have group therapy, but it fucking helped, man. Cause I was ready to fucking all day.

I was angry about this shit. God, man, we're all living and learning. You know, the second you think that you have life figured out, that's when the shit goes crashing down. I thought I had it all figured out, man. I really did. My career was more important than my family and everything. I was like, this is how you do it, man. And then boy, did my fucking life change for the best and worst, really did, man. Because now Calvin's two. And I can't say that I had the worst two years of my life. I in fact had the best two years of my life because of that motherfucker. Isn't that crazy, man?

You know, I don't really dwell on this shit too much anymore. Like, I really love my life. I'm having fun, and I'm very blessed, man, as people say. Blessed. And I really love my family and my friends, dude. I don't know. I feel lucky. I'm just glad I'm not this fucking lonely rapper out there buying cows, shooting flamethrowers, and fucking bragging about my pianos.

You know what I'm saying? I saw this guy fucking at the coffee bean. I walk outside of the car. I get outside of the car. I get outside of my car. I go, I parked the fucking bloody guts mobile and I get out of my fucking car to go get a fucking coffee bean. And I noticed this Ferrari next to me. And it's a, it's a Ferrari that's silver. And I look at it and I look at the fucking, I look outside it and there's this dude with shorts on screaming Spanish into a FaceTime call, um, with no shirt on. And just for shits, I, well, I know that the Ferrari is his because of how he's

outside of the Ferrari with no shirt on screaming into a FaceTime. And so I, uh, I look at him and, uh, and then just for shits, I Google the weather and it's 59 degrees. So I'm like, so sad. Put on a shirt, not for humiliation, just for health. You're freezing, bro. And so I'm watching him and he's fucking on this FaceTime. And then I think he's on Instagram live

and he's like, yeah, that car is really fast. He's talking about his car. And I'm just like, Jesus, the guy's tanned out, dude. He's so tan, he's tanner than his interior. And then he's got fucking like, he's like a little bit buff, you know, he works out and shit.

And he's just talking Latin into it, laughing. He's like, yeah, the car's fast. He's talking a mixture of Latin, you know what I mean? Spanish people they don't just speak spanish every now and then they'll throw in some english too just to fuck with everyone um and so he's talking about how fast his car is and i was and i made a joke with with the person i was with i was like yo bro i was like how how about how that would have been me if i wasn't canceled like and um it was a joke but it's fucking goddamn you need you need to shake your life up a little bit to realize what the fuck's in perspective.

So do that. Do that yourself, dude. Do that yourself. If you're living wrong, if you're living for the wrong reasons, if you're living fucking too hedonistic, I mean, I used to talk about we're leaving that hedonistic, living that hedonistic lifestyle and fucking sucking and fucking, but dude, life's also about fucking other stuff too. Not just fucking and sucking right so just chill with your family man but also you could do fucking and sucking but also

chill with your family dude so if you're doing that check yourself man because if you don't check yourself other people will man take it from me you don't check yourself, other people will, man. Take it from me. You don't want to be that dude that's got the cow that milks itself. Or just lost in Hollywood in another fucking Law & Order reboot, you know? God damn it. How many fucking Law & Or orders are they going to make? I drove by the other day and fucking they got Anthony Anderson. And it's like, dude, how many fucking Lauren orders are they going to make?

Law and over. That's it. Those are the worst shows, dude, because you don't know anything about the characters. Like, have any of those characters ever gone home to their apartment, to their, are they even married, do you even know, that Christopher Maloney guy, you know, when, that's, there's a guy who had a career that just, like, how the fuck did he figure that, how did he get that shit going, that guy's just fucking loaded, he's got to be a dick, right, I don't know him at all, I don't know him at all i don't know him at all he could be the best nicest guy in the world whatever okay had to go potty came back sorry about that um for the cut

but uh dude what about this man somebody in the patreon you can sign up for our patreon patreon.com slash chris leah uh one train 22 mixtapes is the person on Patreon's name. This strange interview from James Brown, which I just watched like 10 seconds of it. I can't believe I've never fucking seen this dude. It resulted, as a matter of fact, in Brown assaulting his wife with a lead pipe and firing a gun at a car that she was in. These are charges that Brown denies. He was released yesterday on $15,000 bond. He joins us from Atlanta

to discuss the charges, and we welcome you, James Brown. Oh, don't do this. Don't do any of it. Don't fire guns at your wife. Also, if you do, don't do an interview about it. His lawyers are like, oh, we really don't. Why is he wearing fucking sunglasses

that go over sunglasses how did all of this trouble begin living in america so fucking insane nothing wrong nothing wrong at all you're not in any difficulty but you're out on bond no i'm not have all the charges been dropped? Yeah, I'm out of love. Well, are you out on love or out of love? Which is it? Out on love. How long from night to night you find me?

Now, James, this isn't the first time you and your wife have had a problem. Are the two of you going to be able to work this out? Let's talk about some music. You want to talk about music and you don't want to talk about... I shot at my wife, but let's talk about music. read all about this, James. Aren't you concerned about that? No. I'm concerned because there's nothing wrong. Ah!

Dude! The most defensivo! I'm concerned because nothing's wrong. Oh, dude! That was the bomb drop, man. He couldn't look more like a grandma. Unbelievable, dude, that was the bomb drop, man. He couldn't look more like a grandma. Unbelievable, dude.

His hair looks like a fucking, like the Hiroshima bomb. Unbelievable, dude. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Dude. I'm concerned because nothing's wrong. Oh, dude. And what are you going to say to your fans when they ask you some questions about it?

I'm going to say I feel good. Papa's got a brand new bag. It's a man's world. Sir, plug in his music. Well, that's the second time we've heard that in two days. That's very interesting. Now, don't leave us, James. You stay right there.

We have more that we have to talk about. How much is he 5'5"? Well, tell us a little bit about what you're going to be doing on this tour. Huh? What'd you say? What are you going to be doing on this tour? How much is he 5'5"? Wow. I'm real, dude! In the middle of it, I'm real'm real dude you're really in trouble for that what you did dude in 1988 you could literally do anything in 1988 you could do anything in 1988 you could fucking go out on the street murder someone and get away with it and then like nobody had cell phones and shit. You could just.

Gregory Peck could be a fucking serial killer. And nobody gave a shit. Nobody knew. This guy shot at his wife and then did an interview about it. I'm sorry because nothing's wrong. Ask you one serious question here. I understand you already have started divorce proceedings. Does that mean that you're now eligible? Yes, I'm eligible.

I'm singing. I want to mingle. You want to mingle? Yeah. Now, the women love you when you get out there. Why do you think that is? What'd you say? The women love you when you get out there. I heard it. I just wanted to hear it again. Why is that, ladies? Well, I'm asking you. Huh? Because I look good. Why do you think that is?

You look good. I smell good. I feel good. And you sing good. And make love good. I smell good. I feel good. And you sing good. And make love good. Oh. Oh, she goes, oh. Well, there we are. We don't have to ask anybody else. That's how Calvin sounds when he realizes there's another toy next to him.

He's playing with one and he looks over and sees another toy. That's what he makes right there. When you get out there. Why do you think that is? What did you say? The women love you when you get out there. Why is that, ladies? So fucking confident.

Why do you think that is? I smell good. And you sing good. And make love good. Oh. Well, there we are. We don't have to ask anybody else. We got that from the source. There you are.

You're involved in publishing a gospel magazine. Tell us a little bit about that. That sounded like Rick Ross when he got his cow. It's out of Augusta, Georgia. It's Ankle. It's drunk. Joseph P. Young is the editor. It's drunk.

And James Ryan is one of the advisors. Wow. And we're doing a fantastic job. It's second coming. It features on this week, I think we have the Pope. Wow. And we're doing a fantastic job. The second coming it features on this week, I think we have the Pope and I believe the Williams brothers.

Throwing up. And next week we're going to have Reverend Al Sharpton. Making it up. And we'll be doing a lot of good things and hopefully we'll get Brother Ted Turner on the cover. Ted, where you at james we want to thank you for having for being with us today and giving us an opportunity oh is there

something more you want to say that we haven't covered a lot of things okay go ahead i love america i love everybody wow well it's good it sounds to me as though you're not troubled by any of this at all this is a man's world. Thanks for reminding us of that. Every once in a while, we forget. So we remember it again. James, good luck on your tour. Thanks for being with us.

I guess we're going to hear lots more. Hasta luego. Dude. Dude, the way at the end, you know at the end she was just like, well, that fucking piece of shit. This is my world. Azuluega. Wow, he's 5'6". I knew it. I could tell on TV how fucking tall someone is. He's 5'6". I said

5'5". Fucking for comedy, I docked him an inch, but he's 5'6". Of course he is. Shot at his wife driving away. Could do anything. In 1988, he could do fucking anything. Un-fucking- believable, dude. Wow, man. What a good one on our Patreon. Thank you for that. 22. Un-fucking-believable, dude. Wow, man. What a good one on our Patreon.

Thank you for that, 22. What the fuck was it? One train, 22 mixtapes. Okay. Let's do some misconnections. Here we go. Barista here, Santa Monica. You were the polite man who came into the coffee shop.

We ran out of creamer, and you mentioned you had some to share at home. Barista here. You were the polite man who came into the coffee shop we ran out of creamer and you mentioned you had some to share at home barista here you were the polite man who came into the coffee shop we ran out of creamer you mentioned you had some to share at home wow is that a sexual thing yeah or is it a flirt is it a straight up legit flirt are they talking about jizzing um can't ever tell on fucking misconnections that one's very convoluted and pretty hard to tell. Missing male friends. Not a hookup. Just so everyone knows,

right away it says not a hookup. 50-ish year old, newly bi, man, woman, what is that? MWM? What is that? Man,

anyway, whose wife allows him to have a boyfriend. Okay. Hmm. So he's gay too, or he's bi, I guess, whatever. Looking for guys around the same age to meet for coffee or drinks. I'm a 5'11", 201 pounds, bearish dad bod.

Nice, bro. Looking for good communication, impossible friendship. Nice, funny, East Coast sarcastic, not a hookup. So what's he trying to do? He just wants to make friends. Dude, is this Rick Ross? He's lonely. Do you enjoy cows and flamethrowers?

I might be your guy. MWM means married white male. Okay. Bearish married white male. If you're out there and you want to fucking not hook up with one, hit this guy up. Here's another one. Where is the woman with the strap on? Wow.

It put a dash between O and N like it's fucking, why? Because so it wouldn't get flagged? O-N, North Hollywood. Where is the woman with the strap on? That sounds like a fucking the worst children's book ever. Where is the woman with the strap on? That sounds like a fucking the worst children's book ever. Where is the woman with the strap on? By, you know, by some lady. I used to come over.

We could talk about lots of things as you enjoyed me bent over. Wow, dude. As you enjoyed me bent over wow dude as you enjoyed me bent over as you enjoyed me bent over left the e out of over and bent over spells everything wrong spells the spells the things you don't need to spell wrong wrong you know uh here's another one looking for that woman to dress me up north hollywood a lot of north hollywood stuff going on right now looking for a woman a women i love when they do this looking for a women i love a women's remember that guy remember that guy i don't like men's no more i love a women's i follow him on instagram andrew c caldwell Unbelievable we like each other's pictures I love a women's

He wears the craziest hats they look like cakes Looking for a women to dress me up in her clothes I'm thin and DDF female only Please serious only Thank you DDF I'm thin and DDF female What is that he'll look it up

So this is a This is a guy that wants to be dressed up in women's clothes. Man, kinks are nuts, huh? You know what DDF is or no? Drug disease free. Oh, okay. So I'm thin and drug disease free. Female only. Please, serious.

Wow. Here we go. Looking for blues. Okay. What does this mean? San Francisco. Oh, there's going to be some here we go looking for blues okay what does this mean san francisco oh there's gonna be some woke shit looking for blues anybody got any going to be around for super bowl what is that blues is that drugs gotta be drugs not just you don't want somebody to show up and be sad like mimes hit me up um emergency plumber, you know we love this one, dude. I love when they use the plumber analogy. It's always like, you know, got an open pipe that needs stuffing. Got a leaky faucet.

I need to fucking stick it in a... Here we go. Experienced plumber here with the day off looking for some cut pipe. Any homes under 30 years old we get it hey guy we get it any homes under 30 years old means any guys under 30 just in case you don't know looking for some cut pipe. Damn, I need some cut pipe. Experienced plumber with the day off. Looking for some cut pipe.

Wow. Here's another one. Farmer's market, Norwalk. Went to farmer's market, bought some, wow, meant to say fruit, but says Freud, and saw you at the papusa booth. God, farmer's markets suck, you know? Everyone's always like, you got to go. They got fresh strawberries, and then you go, and it's just like they're selling like fucking spices and shit like you'd never buy. Should have said, hi, you mentioned you know how to cook zucchinis, and I showed you my

bag with my zucchini. Okay. You mentioned you know how to cook zucchinis, and I showed you my bag with my zucchini. Okay, so in this situation, a zucchini is cock, and bag with zucchini is balls also with cock. They're not fooling anyone, dude. Dude, would you like to see my bag with zucchini? Unbelievable. Oh, here's the fucking Instagram where Rick Ross got the ID. We'll play this. Don't hit that G-Wagon over there. Yeah, pull it right there.

So dick. Y'all, come on. Not even close to the G-Wagon. That's what I'm talking about. Y'all got a delivery for the biggest boss, Rick Ross? Okay, where's the delivery from? Yeah, good morning. That's what I'm talking about, man.

That's what I'm talking about. You feel me? Look how them boys looking. Y'all see that? Y'all see that, huh? Y'all see the boss, huh? Yeah. Oh, my God, dude.

What you say you need? Sure knows how to fill some space, you know, when the guy goes to get the package, he just interviews the gardeners. Y'all see that, huh? Y'all see the boss? Where's fucking... ID, ID.

I'm the boss. I don't need... Boss. Rosé. I'm the boss. I don't need ID. Boss. So fucking foreign.

Like, this guy, dude. Unbelievable. Here. William Roberts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's me. Give me that. A child.

This ID. That's it right there. No driver license. No driver license. This ID. That's it right there. No driver license. No driver license. I refuse. Oye, mucho gracias. I mean, obviously showed his ID in the middle of it, you know, cut it out. Mucho gracias.

So, gracias. Mucho gracias. Not no S. Mucho gracias. So disrespectful. Nah, don't need ID. I i'm the boss let me fuck up your language a little bit mucho gracia for the motivation we motivating the hustlers man tell them to just drop that come on man million on the pinky man come on man i should start

goddamn putting some plants in the goddamn okay the video's over you know i should have started putting some plants in there. Okay, the video's over, you know. I might want to put rocks along here. Okay, video's over. Video's over, man. Come on, man. Come on, man. 14 seconds left. We got to get back to nature. Devolving.

Devolving. We got to get back to nature, dude. Everyone loses their mind. Let's get back to nature dude uh everyone loses their mind let's get back to nature come on man video's over video's over man come on i mean dude we gotta get back to nature bro god how fucking annoying would it be to hang out with that guy god i'm really blasting him lately okay well whatever dude no idea i'm the boss boss okay yeah this is um i'm gonna lose my job no i'm the boss so dick all right um that's it for the episode on youtube if you want to catch the rest of the episode it is on patreon patreon.com slash chris delia not only do you get the rest of this episode you get the rest of every episode that has been backlogged.

And also every month there's an extra episode and you can all get all of those that we did backlogged as well if you sign up today for just six bucks. And then we also have other things that we do. We do this segment called Review Mode. We have behind the scenes for the With Chris videos, all sorts of extra footage. And we have a Discord too,

and you can be a producer on the show and all that stuff. There's different tiers. So anyway, check it out, patreon.com slash chrisdalia. Thanks, guys. Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations! Congratulations! Vamos