Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 24. Put a Demon in It

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

It is the 24th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about how much he hates small talk. Also discussed: parking lot tire spikes, drycleaning, the TNT show Will, origin stories in general, and pizza shops. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the real babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey guys, this podcast is brought to you by me.

Today, it's brought to you by me. It's brought to you by me. Today, it's brought to you by me. We got merch up on the pod, on the, on the, um, what do you call it? Fucking crystalia.com. We got congratulations podcast shirts. So go there and you can support the podcast. And I got other shirts and shit from my stand up and all that. I got upcoming shows in Nashville. I got some, excuse me, in Raleigh, North Carolina.

I'm going to do a bunch of shit like that. And Austin, that's pretty much sold out. And Australia and Irvine, California. And thanks for watching Man on Fire again. It's been out for two weeks, and I'm loving your tweets and all that shit. You guys are the best. Really appreciate it. Thanks, babies. This is congratulations. The podcast episode 20, 24. That's awesome, man.

That's awesome, man. Who would have thought five long months ago that today would be here and we'd be on our 24th episode? Isn't that amazing? I'm in a good mood today, so hopefully we'll fire out a good podcast. I think so far I've had like two bad ones if i do say so myself um but i don't know whatever uh i'm here with my with my coffee ready to go and do the podcast and uh and all that i have by the way i'm at i i go to this coffee spot you know about it i'm not going to get into that but what i am going to get into is they have a you know that like i get the coffee it's got a fucking coffee place in the in the

in the it's a parking lot for the coffee place that's really all that's there okay so i go in the parking lot in the coffee shop i get the drink and then i leave and there's a fucking there's one of those they have those you know those please don't back up or your tires going to fucking explode like the the strip that like you go forward but then don't reverse because you'll and like first of all why have that anywhere even like a government building or a bank or like i don't understand why you would have the please don't back up tire knives in your fucking pavement so i so i pull out of the fucking uh parking lot and then well you know what actually my friend's still in the parking lot. And then, well, you know what?

Actually, my friend's still in the parking lot. I want to say bye to him. I go to reverse. Oh, shit. I just wanted to say bye to Kevin. The fuck is the deal? Why? Why? Okay. and for the coffee shop hey dude what's the fucking big deal if i want to reverse two more feet

why do my why do you need to shred my tires there isn't that like a bit fucking overboard like where are we fucking afghanistan afghanistan where the fuck are we that we need that oh dude when you get when you get this fucking coffee and you leave you're fucking dead to me. And if you try to come back, dude, you better come out back the right way. There's fucking three entrances for it. And you can't go through one because of the fucking tire spikes. That's the dumbest shit ever. Hey, invent something better. Invent something that's useful. Dude, there was one, I saw one,

there was one that was like a Subway sandwich in a Radio Shack. The fuck's the big deal? Oh, dude, I'm going to go any way I goddamn want to in the, hey, your Radio Shack and your Subway sandwich,

it's not that important. I'll reverse in. God, that makes me mad. Don't tell me which way I can't fucking go. Bro, you get this fucking coffee and you leave and you don't come back. You understand me? If you do, we shredding your tires. Hey, dude.

What? Just pull me out of the car and fucking machine gun me like the scene in The Godfather with never remember anybody's fucking name on this podcast. What are you trying to buy a freaking washer and dryer and leave in Las Vegas? What the fuck's that guy? James Caan. I can never remember. My friend Brent was like, you never remember names on the podcast.

And now, of course, it doesn't happen again. Yes, Sonny from fucking Godfather. Do that. That's what should happen when you fucking pull out of the thing and you want to go back. Oh, you reversed. Get the guys. You get out. Still shooting even though you're going to die.

You with your coffee. Just holding it so it doesn't spill because it's too hot. You don't want to get burned even though you're getting shot in the chest and head. That shit is dumb as fuck. Don't put those strips in anymore. I wonder what the real logic is for that. Like, it's probably to siphon traffic out of there. But it's no traffic really in all these fucking parking lots that have this shit.

Don't like it. Don't like it. Don't like it don't like it don't like it i don't know man i was and after that i went to my to my i had my buddy staying with me uh for a few days in my house and uh hey hey yo man can you type louder please one fire him dude my producer is typing louder than shit it's like he's got hulk hands one fire um like we're wood wood fucking woodward and bernstein is this all the president's men one fire so um fire. So I took the dry cleaning to the fucking... So I kept on telling my buddy to stay with me, Joel, to fucking close the door.

And he didn't. And so my dogs went in there, pissed on the comforter. Now, it's one of those comforters that don't unzip and shit. It's just the whole thing so i brought it into the dry cleaner today and the lady was like i love how sometimes people just like like i bring it in and it's a whole fucking blanket by the way how big of an idiot do you look carrying a fucking big ass comforter out out like on the road there's only one way you're going only one place you're going to with that and that's either home because you just bought it.

But then it's in some like Dexter cellophane wrap. Or if you're just holding it though. Like and it's so big. When you carry a fucking comforter to like anywhere outside of a house. You look like a fucking jackass because it's so big. Like it's so big. You might as well be holding a boa constrictor. Like that's how it looks.

That's how awkward it is. It's so hard to carry a fucking comforter you need like seven people so i brought it into the dry cleaners because it had piss on the edge real cool it's white so part of it's yellow now it's real great um and uh and i brought it, and the lady was like, first of all, they're never there, right? You walk into a drive-thru, they're always in the back. Have somebody in the goddamn front. Have somebody in the front. They're always in the back, and I feel like they're back there playing Uno and smoking.

Like, just like ladies, just like, just so weathered and so, like, just like ladies, just like, just so weathered and so like, um, over life. And this is their business. And, uh, so I walk in and of course, bing, bong, like it's loud, scared the shit out of me while I'm holding the comforter. Um, just like, like you know how about this ding but some of them are and you're like i mean imagine hearing that all day so i walk in with my comforter trying to hold it up off the ground even though it's just gonna get washed and i walk in and she's like hi do you have a comfort or duvet or whatever and i was like i

don't know i just want you to wash it the dog's pissed on it and she said oh it's this is the shit oh it's going to be 30 and like why why, why? Why? I just said, yeah, all right, fine. But like, why is it $30? You know, if I was like, yeah, it's going to be 15, though, she'd probably be like, okay, like, they just throw the price out there, dude. It's cleaning. You're cleaning it. I'm not buying a fucking thing that costs a certain amount of money. I mean, I know, I know in essence I am, but like, Oh, she looked at me like, Oh, it's going to be 30. Like, Oh fuck man. I'm sorry. You're not sorry. You made up the price. You made the price. You're not sorry. And I said, all right, cool. and then my favorite thing is when do you need it

by i need it when it's done and i need it to be done the quickest you know like what do you mean when do you need it by i need it i definitely need it by fucking february 2018 but can you do it anywhere quicker and then they're just like, how about Wednesday? Sure. When do you need it by? That's a comforter. Is it medication? Hey, dude, is it Lexapro? I got a question for you.

When do I need it by? Well, take a look at it. I got a question for you. When do I need it by? Well, take a look at it. Can you crush it up and fit it into a tiny orange bottle with a label on it that says Lexapro? And can you put a twisty cap on it? Or is it a goddamn comforter?

Give it to me when it's done. And whenever it's done, it's okay. When do you need it by? Is it my child? Two 30 after school? I don't know. You know, just tell me when it's going to be done and I'll be there. Tried to get this fucking app though that does it. They come to your house like a piece of shit and they take the comforter and then they bring it to the thing and they direct it and they give it back. And I tried to download it. It's called Cleanly or something and it's not even available in my fucking area. If it's not available in Los Angeles, where the fuck is it available?

That's not cool. Expand your shit um and then it was funny because then i would i took my dogs to the coffee shop right before i they got fucking dingleberries in the back of their asshole and they're like sitting down like they don't give a shit like i'm like i'm my other comforter um so basically I just got shit and piss all over my house. But, um, so, uh, so I fucking, uh, had the, um, so I'm sitting there at the coffee with my dogs and this groomer, this mobile groomer drives by. And I, I, I drew the, or I, um, what do you call it? Um, I took the number down cause I'm now I'm just going to have the guy come by and clean my dogs. I'm like, I'm turning it.

We're all turning into the most lazy motherfuckers of all time. Hey, I want Postmates to come in and put the food in my mouth. And I need another guy to fucking manipulate my jaw so I chew. Bro, how rich. That's how rich I want to be. Have a guy put food in my mouth and have another guy moving my jaw up and down. While another dude is sucking me off. Not because I'm gay, but just because I have lots of money and that's what I want.

It's gay. Definitely, you know. what else did I watch what else did I do I watched the oh no you know what I wanted to talk about I keep seeing these billboards for the show called will first of all like goddamn motherfucker dude the the the the cocksuck motherfucker that came up with the title will okay first of all the billboards all over la it's a show about it okay the billboard is it says will it has a young good looking guy on the fucking thing and he's looking at you us like he's about to be inside of us all right so it's called will it's on i don't know what it's tbs or tnt or some shit i have no idea it's probably tbs because they know drama

or tnt knows drama tbs is where it's funny or whatever the fuck it's probably neither of those but it's about young william shakespeare it's a show called will about a young william shakespeare gunk dude all right look man first of all we gotta stop we've officially jumped the shark on origin stories all right i get marvel oh yeah he was bit by a spider oh he fell in a vat of plutonium he a cartoon character origin stories are cool you know why because you can make up whatever you goddamn want hey it's fucking gay man why is the guy so gay oh because he got fucked in the butt 12 times when he was 11 oh cool that's interesting also fell into a vat of plutonium and now he's super strong and fucks all guys oh really cool made it up okay i'd watch the shit out of that show by the

way gay guy but dude no by the way for sure gonna get in trouble for that but dude if young what was the other one genius about a young albert einstein dude why the fuck would i want to watch a show about the guy who became famous for the shit that he does before he did it i want to watch the guy doing what he does when he does it and calling it will oh those fucking cucks dude dude. For real. Calling it Will. Like, hey, you know what? It's simple. Call it Will. It wasn't William Shakespeare yet. He was Will. Cucks. Dude, come on, man. Yeah, why don't you just call it Will? And then someone's like, that's it. It's so simple. Cucks. I mean, it drives me nuts genius it's about by the way

I'm sure it's a great show those guys are that guy's a great actor who plays Albert Einstein but dude fucking oh it's about fucking Albert Einstein when he's 20 bye I want to watch a show

when he's got the crazy hair and the mustache that looks like a goddamn broom oh he's young and handsome kakunk everything is a fucking origin story now no that really is like when comic book movies start to influence the fucking actual shows about real people that's when we've jumped the shark no more origin stories i want to like even the steve jobs one it's just like just show me what it's like when he makes the fucking computer. You know? Oh, he's young? Oh, he put on the fucking mock turtleneck the first time.

Oh, cool. Nah. Don't show me what it's like when he plugged in the fucking big-ass brick computer that was beige, and you had like 11 of them in your classroom, and it was only colors of green on the screen. Ugly. I don't want to see that shit. Show me when... Here's how I want the movie to start.

Wait, have you seen the fucking... You know when you start on a Mac and it's... I want it to be like that, and're like oh shit it's up and running and then wait i'm laughing because of the fucking thing you remember you ever seen the fucking thing on online it went viral but it was like when the guy when they put it on the surround sound and they turned on this computer and it like woke up the whole office. Do you ever see that? And it went like gong

and it was so loud and everyone like shit themselves. Yeah. Oh yeah, it kept going. It kept going and going. Oh shit. That's how I want the fucking Steve Jobs movie to start and I want him to be already 42.

We'll name him Steve. No, no, I don't want that scene. Oh, he's got your eyes. Let's name young Shakespeare, William. Fuck your origin story. Fuck your origin story. I don't know. By the way, people think I'm hating. I'm not hating. I'm joking. I don't want to watch a show about a guy when they're young, though. But he's getting so young. Show me a fucking man.

Show me a woman. I've been watching. I started watching the show strength the strain i was like i saw when i saw the statue of liberty with the tongue coming out of it on the billboards i was like god watch like what the fuck's that all about you know the statue of liberty doesn't have the tongue coming out so you know it was symbolic but i had to watch it and i like that uh cory stole guy i think he's fucking cool there aren't many men like actors now you know there's a lot of like pussy ass pretty boys and this guy is just a man and i like him cory stole shout out um and so i started watching that show that's what i want to watch i want to watch i don't like i was talking about it

and i don't want i don't want i don't want to watch the show where like people are like like where it's so dramatic and oh no and oh fucking someone's dying and so someone's crying on a bench i want to watch the show where i'm like where I go, where, where like every two episodes I go like this. Oh, that's what I want to watch that show. Oh, it's that guy. Put demons in it. You know, put demons in the fucking show, put a zombie in the show, put a bad guy in the show. All these shows where people are just sitting around and, oh, it's real. Ah, suck my ass. Ah, but it's real though. Oh yeah? Put a demon in it. No, no, no. But it's about put a demon in it. Yeah, but this is more about a guy and a girl and how they really put a demon in it. Yeah, no, I know, but this is the single dad,

and he's looking for, so he's got to do, put a demon in it. Yeah, no, I understand that, but this one is about the economy and how it's, really? Put a demon in it. No, I understand, but this is about women's rights, and it's interesting because it takes place in the, put a demon in it no i understand but this is about women's rights and it's interesting because it takes place in the put a demon in it oh is the woman a demon no have someone bite her make her a demon hey here's what i want for all the fucking shows where people are just sitting around talking running around riding a motorcycle and nothing's fucking happening.

And by the way, that's not a dig at a – what's that movie? What's the show? Anarchy. That's a show where shit happens. People are shooting and fighting and shit like that. But goddamn motherfucking shows where there's like a mandolin playing in the background? Put a demon in it. Take that fucking mandolin soundtrack out that goddamn thing. Booling-toom, booling-ting-ting.

He met her? Oh, really, he met her? Have him bite her, make her a demon. Oh, dude, drives me nuts. Life, you know? You ever feel like... That's what I want to happen right there. No, wait, what? This is episode seven. Why is there a demon? And then he gets bitten and then, and then he's a demon. Bye. Take your mandolin, shove it up your asshole.

By the way, there shouldn't be mandolins unless you're on a fucking gondola. Hey, if you're floating in water, play the mandolin. If you're in a studio, take the mandolin, walk down the stairs, get into your car, drive over to the nearest body of water, get out of the car. Grab your mandolin. Walk into the body of water. Keep walking till you drown. I don't know what it was. In like 99, there were like 75 movies that came out with fucking mandolins in the background. And it was just like, all right, I get it.

You're quirky. Fuck it. You're quirky. All it. You're quirky. All right, cool. Demons. Every show that's boring as shit about anything, any show that's about someone dying or like people hanging out

or somebody fucking is a mailman, motherfucker, put it, I'll tell you what, in like the fourth episode there needs to be a demon in it or a vampire or a werewolf or a zombie enough with this shit oh it's a slice of life

oh really take a slice of macaque and put it in your mouth oh your show's about a slice of life cool I live life don't need a slice of it got the whole thing take a slice of life? Cool. I live life. Don't need a slice of it. Got the whole thing. Take a slice of macaque and put it in your mouth. What the fuck are you talking about?

Oh, it's a slice of life? Cool. Life? It's boring. Take a slice of macaque, put it up your ass. Over and over again. I mean, come on. The audacity of someone to say, hey, I made a slice of life film.

Oh, yeah? Take a slice of these lemons, put them in your eyes. Come on, dude. Put a fucking demon in your slice of life movie. God damn, man. Come on. Slice of life, my asshole. Only thing there should be slices of is pizza.

Hey, is your movie a pizza? No? Then don't make a slice of life movie. Put a goddamn demon in it. For fuck's sake. Slice of life. Is it... Oh, dude, is it locks?

No? Is it a cake? Is it a birthday cake? Or is it locks? No? Is it a cake? Is it a birthday cake? Or is it a movie with fucking... Or is it the real movie that's understated comedy tonally with Ed Helms? Ah, it's not a cake? Cool. Put a demon in it.

Make him eat Ed Helms. Fuck, if I do a slice of life movie dude throw me out the back of a Chevelle while you're driving like any movie that starts with like that has a preview where it's like meet Ted or when your best friend's lover is your lover's best friend put a demon in it have a meet the lover have a meet the best friend have a meet all the cast when's best friend. Put a demon in it. Have him meet the lover. Have him meet the best friend. Have him meet all the cast. When your best friend's lover is your lover's best friend. This summer, fall in love all over again. Bye. Gunk. Come on, dude. And then the movie makes $3.6 million. And everyone's like, well, well i don't know what happened i don't really quite understand it really you don't i understand it hey what's out there what where

out there what do you mean go look out there what no no out there you can't see unless you go out there okay well where i don't see it the gunk you're outside now you can't come in my building all right you don't fucking back up the brink truck with some mandolin playing slice of life type movie hey babies i want to talk to you about helix look you're unique aren't you yeah you are because you're not sad you're not weird well well that's the thing you're unique, aren't you? Yeah, you are. Because you're not sad. You're not weird. Well, that's the thing. You're weird in a good way. But you're unique, okay? You're not some boring person. You don't walk like everyone else. You don't talk like everyone else or sleep like anyone else. So why is your mattress one size fits all? This is a cool thing, man. It's a truly customized mattress that will cost you five to 10,000 bucks until now. Helix. Go to helixsleep.com, answer a few simple questions,

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and you put it in jicomanical and sustainable animal. Oh man. But yeah, I want to watch it. Everything's, I want to watch these shows that were where you get,

oh, okay, cool. That's cool. I dude, I had, by the way, I had some friends over the other day, like, you know, not many. And cool. Dude, I had, by the way, I had some friends over the other day. Like, you know, not many. And my buddy is like, my buddy Zach is like the music guy.

You know what I'm talking about? He's always like, hey, you heard this music? You heard this guy? That's how he sounds in my head a little bit. You heard this guy He laughs at everything dude It drives me nuts Like

I'll say something like Oh man I really want a banana And he'll be like Like huh And I'll be like what are you laughing at And he'll be like I don't know it's just funny But he He What are you laughing at? I'd be like, I don't know. It's just funny. But he, he, I put on the music and I just put on a Pandora station.

Like fucking, I don't even remember. It was like the hits of today or whatever. And it was, they were playing all like Fetty Wap and shit or whatever. And he was just like, oh, this music, man. Why don't you put on some other music put on a good thing you got bluetooth i'll put it on my playlist and i'm like dude i don't give a fuck first of all there were like six people there i was like dude i don't give a fuck that's the worst guy to be by the way at the party besides the guy that picks up a guitar and plays it himself and then ruins the vibe. The guy who's like, hey, put on some different.

Hey, you. Hey, my playlist. Hey, dude, jump off a bridge. You're where you are. Just chill. Don't fucking. I put on a playlist. What are we going to try?

Who are you, Stalin? What are you, fucking Hitler? We got to control every song just let it ride baby you're in a pool dude that's what he would do he'd be like oh put it up put it and then and then so i i i put on just because i wanted to not because he said because i said bro shut the fuck up let's just listen it's what it is there's there's six people here we're having a good time i'm not changing it every time somebody decides they don't like the song that's playing oh but the music so i told him so i thought so then i changed the channel not because of him just because i wanted to and i put it on 80s music

and he was like oh this music oh music. Oh, I love this song. And I said, I don't give a fuck, man. I don't give a fuck. Every song that came on after that. Oh, man, I remember this song. Dude, shut the fuck up about music. It was so annoying. See, this is good music. It was so annoying. See, this is good music.

This is it. You think I give a fuck about what you think about my playlist? I don't even give a fuck about it. Oh shit, man. You enjoy the music I enjoy? Suck a slice of my cock.

Go make a fucking slice of like music the movie dude that guy that's like the guy that comes up to a dj with a request i mean obviously i'm not a dj but bro hey can you play crazy in love hey can you play something from the Chainsmokers? Do you have churches? Turn around. Turn around. Hey, dude, why are you facing me? Turn around. If you make me play something,

because you're requesting it, turn around. You got to get fucked up the butt. Dude. That's what should happen anytime. Hey, DJ, can you play Tom Ford? Oh, you got to get fucked up the butt now. The whole fucking shit. Could you play a soundcloud rapper

dude our cocks should be facing the same direction and i should be behind you turn around you gotta get fucked up the butt now soundcloud rappers hey soundcloud rappers do you rap or do you just draw on your face a lot? Hey, SoundCloud rappers. Is your face... Hey, SoundCloud rappers. Is your face a face? Or is it a billboard on the way out to Covina?

Hey, dude, SoundCloud rappers. Is your face a face? Or is your face a low-hanging billboard on the way out to Westminster? Why the fuck are they i mean dude they just do too much hey guys hey guys relax dude relax i like to imagine soundcloud rappers running like and sweating and running so fast to tattoo parlors and being like and while they're running and they're like and they gotta like they're like oh i can't wait to get a 69 above my eyeballs i can't wait to get an ice cream cone oh i got such a good idea i got i'm gonna get a

a tattoo that says kitty cat on my cheek I can't wait and then I'm running you fucking teen I mean hey what the fuck are they doing oh yeah yeah yeah yeah no you definitely don't give a fuck I got that SoundCloud rappers I mean...

Mama said his band's truck. Mama said his band's truck. Mama said his band's truck. Mama said his band's truck. Mama said his band's truck. Mama said his band's truck. Mama said his band's truck. Mama said his band's truck.

With a fucking. Winnie the Pooh on his temple. Mama Sadie's being struck. Mama Sadie's being struck. Who's it for? Who's it for? Oh man. What?

What's happening? Oh, man. It's time for a segment. And it's a new segment. But it's a segment we like to call the most fucked up Instagram post all week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh- and his wife, Molika? Molika? For making that new jingle there. Really fucking funny. Made me laugh real hard. The most fucked up Instagram

post all week. Of the week. Most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Sorry, it's still new, so we're figuring that out. Now here we go. This is the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. And now I don't say the names because I don't want my people to attack them

because people can be ruthless. But here's a guy and it's a selfie, which is fine, but it's in the mirror. So, uh-oh. Now he's got the credit card fucking thing on his phone.

You know, he's got the back of it like to where he's he didn't take it off so we could see his visa his visa credit card uh it's very stupid and it's backwards because it's in the mirror it's in the mirror no oh now he's got uh hair which is fine uh it's great hair but he's also shaved the sides of it now oh no it doesn't matter but uh oh with all of it okay and then he's completely ripped he's he's the most jacked man i've ever seen and uh this is the this is the quote that this is the con the this is the uh

quote that this is the con the this is the uh caption first of all it's written like like not all together like it's like there's one line is one thing and then there's another line and there's another line i don't even know how people do that on fucking instagram i always try to do it never comes out that way how you do that you magic on instagram so this is what it says the first line is i lift weights this shit got that got that know why because your body looks like a thor then after that it says i eat plants this shit does. That's the next line. Then the next line is, I meditate. Dunmeh. You know why it dunmeh?

It's a selfie. Then the next line is, I drink green smoothies. Nishit. You already covered that with the plants. So already, you're being dundon. You're being dundon, and it's the fourth line and fourth sentence now here's the next line i believe in the universe and its energy and the shit you know why because you got to believe in it because those things are things okay it's like saying i believe in the i

believe in a couch. Eh, pointless. Next line. I care about animals and the environment. Oh, really? You're not a sociopath? Cool. I don't waste energy on negativity. Oh, when people say that, I get BRM.

Because you're human, and you do. Everyone always has negative thoughts. If you don't, you're human and you do. Everyone always has negative thoughts. If you don't, you're a robot. If you don't, you're a fucking lunatic. Everybody is negative sometimes because you have to be. Because if you're not, then you can't do what's positive. You fucking dolt. The next one.

Now, this is the one that starts to get my insides a little bit of a fucking I'm BRM. Okay. I am human and make mistakes. Hey man, you just made seven of them. Okay. You posted the selfie and you said all these trite bullshit things that have nothing to do with the selfie. And they're all one. each one of the lines is a new line. And you're not a fucking, you're not TS Eliot. Okay. I'm human to make mistakes. You work out too hard. And then here's another one. I am who I am by, Hey dude, are you, unless you're a Popeye, you shouldn't say that. Everyone is who they are. Everyone is who they are. And you already said you're human and you make mistakes. So again, you're being redundant.

Here's the next one. Constantly changing but remaining true to myself. Can't be. Can't be. You contradict yourself in one line i am who i am constantly changing but remaining true to myself that's a bunch of fucking horseshit that literally made me want to start shitting in my pants here's the next line it's okay too many. Too many, man. Come out with a book. Here's another one.

It's okay to live a life others don't understand. No, it's not. Not if you're a serial killer. Next line. Surround yourself with people who do. Oh, if you do that, you end up getting serial killed. Hashtag thought of the day. Not one thought.

Many thoughts. Don't do that. Bye. Dude, change. Hey, man, change. man change completely change hey dude this is a cool post but completely change consistently changing cool keep going are you consistently changing cool keep going for a long time till you're not as buff and you don't say all those things i mean who are these people you know guys probably super nice but also that was the most fucked up instagram post of the week god that guy's ripped he looks amazing actually

he's a cool dude he's probably a nice guy too and And he's vegan. How do you do that? So impressive. Honestly. God, people work hard for shit, huh? That's good though. So going back on everything he just said, actually looking at this guy's Instagram now, it's impressive how strong he is. Why do you want to be that strong though i mean i well if you compete

right that's the only reason if you're a guy who competes bodybuilding great cool work hard i love that if you're a guy that fucking just wants to be big and muscular and you have like a job you're weird that kind of guy's weird oh that's always been weird to me i don't i never understood that that kind of person never understood it's like uh i guess it's your hobby i guess that's your hobby is being fit and shit um it's like what is it like i don't know i'm supposed to think about what it's like because it's supposed to be a comedian and i'm supposed to come up with a funny analogy but don't have one don't have the brain power for it i feel like i get on one or two good rants every one of these and then that's it

then i peter out i'm gonna look at these hashtags here um congratulations pa congratulations pod i like the people on instagram though that are like obviously famous for how they look like because they're good looking and then they have to like sometimes play the guitar on a post an instagram post or like show you a painting they did because they're like remember though okay i i can do things i'm a talent i'm talented when people get widely known solely for their looks, and then they have to make sure that they know, people know that they're talented.

Like, just be fucking, you know, just be, just, it's Instagram. Just chill. You can just be a good looking person on instagram that doesn't mean that you're fucking nobody thinks you're not talented although it does if you start to do dumb dumb shit and then we see the shit like the paintings aren't and you're not talented you know so just just keep it real um anyway uh let me look at these congratulations pod hashtags here uh see who's trying to game the falcon oh this is funny this guy right something that i fucking thought was funny here uh yeah his name's cory britsky at stallion underscore cory i gotta

fucking hey man change change it you're not, no, don't write stallion unless you're a horse, but then you couldn't, then you couldn't type with the hooves. Hey, why do wrestlers with long hair always have wet hair? That's hilarious. Actually, that is true. Why don't wrestlers just have fucking dude, if I was a wrestler, I'd have long hair, but I'd have that shit fucking Brazilzil i get a brazilian blown blowout forget it my shit would be beautiful i would have fans like not like people i'm talking about actual fans blowing on me the shit would be so goddamn gorgeous and i would fucking i would come down on a wire and you would see how beautiful my goddamn hair was. It would be like a Beyonce show or Mariah Carey in her prime.

Yeah, they're always wet. Google it. That's weird, huh? You know there's a guy with a water bottle spraying them before each photo shoot. Also, they're probably just a sweaty mess because of, well, the wrestling. Oh,

here's something that somebody wrote. Michael McGowan, the sixth. Oh, Hey man, there's too many Michael McGowans in your family, dude. Name somebody, Steve.

Um, your thoughts on filling the quiet with. So what's new? Yeah, dude, I actually don't like that at all. Okay. And everyone shouldn't.

And I think everyone doesn't, but people still do it because they get uncomfortable. But here's the deal. Here's what I don't like. When you're already talking and the conversation is going well and you haven't seen somebody in a few months and in the middle of the conversation, when you're, when you're already talking and somebody does that and somebody says, so tell me, so tell me, what's been going on, man? What do you fucking mean? What do you mean what's going on? We're talking, dude.

So what do you want me to say? What's not good enough about what I'm saying? I just told you I've fucking been doing what I'm doing. What else, man? What do you want? What? I've fucking been doing what I'm doing. What else, man? What do you want? What? I've been robbing gold from banks? Is that what you mean? Sorry, my life is so fucking boring that you have to keep asking me what's been going on.

When you're hanging out and you're like 30 minutes in, so what, man? It's so good to see you. What else has been going on? Hey, when are we done telling you everything that's been happening? I don't want to fucking talk about what happened. I want to talk about like fucking faces and your outfits and, you know, you've been fucking. You've been fucking you've been fucking you've been fucking sucking you've been fucking and sucking you bought new pants what happened dude

don't fucking tell me about some bullshit about like yeah i was gonna join this and then that happened and my buddy's having a kid the gong do it i don't care about all that shit your buddy had the kid don't tell me about it i don't have to fucking sit here and listen that boring shit tell me you've been fucking or sucking tell me who you've been fucking tell me who you've been sucking that's the fucking country tell me who you've been fucking tell me who you've been sucking don't tell me about your friends kid tell me who you've been fucking tell me who you've been sucking don't tell me about your friends kid tell me who you've been fucking tell me who you've been sucking don't tell me about how you joined something tell me who you've been fucking tell me who you've been sucking but if you tell

me about your ex-girlfriend all good i'll get irate unless you've been fucking her sucking her where'd you come where'd you come where'd you come don't tell me about your kid and how he's in a League. Don't tell me about your mom and her friends. Don't tell me about your dad and how he traveled to Europe. Tell me where you've been coming. Did you use a condom? Did you not use a condom? Were you in a bed or a hotel? Tell me all the things where you've been fucking and sucking. But if you tell me about your daughter and her mom, then I'm going to get up and leave.

Then go fucking suck and come back and tell me how it was oh shit oh fuck oh my god you know dude do you get on stage and do you do stand up Do you get on stage and do you do stand up? Do you make people laugh? Tell me about what you said. Tell me about the jokes you said. I live a life of play. All you got to do is make me laugh and then tell me about fucking sucking.

That's all you got to do. Definitely don't tell me about things that you're into like the Mets. Oh, you're into the Dallas Stars. Oh, you're into a team in Winnipeg. Oh, you fucking follow the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes. I don't care. Do you fuck them and suck them? Do you make jokes? Then just say them.

Oh, fuck. I just want to sit across from somebody and I want to fucking talk about them right there to their fucking face, man. And I want to talk about me. I want them to make fun of me. I want to make fun of my life and I want to make fun of them. And that's all I want to do, dude. Goddamn motherfuckers. Yeah, my kid's in. Gagunk. Gagunk. Gagunk. Step outside the place. Gagunk. Gagunk. the place. Ga-gong, ga-gong. Gotta shut some doors on motherfuckers, man. You think I'm not serious, bro? I'm Tupac in this motherfucker. We gotta shut some doors on these motherfuckers. I love boring people, by the way, but just let me fucking make, let's make fun of all of it.

Oh, fuck, dude. Loving it, loving it, loving it, loving it. One time I was at a pizza place I used to go to in where I grew up. And there was this really old guy. And he was so pissed off always giving the slices of pizza out. And he was really old and he had orange hair. How come some have orange hair hey man diet brown or blonde you white guy with orange hair oh cool hey why would you do that hey dude real quick west why would you do that hey man hey hey fucking who did your hair? Chester the Cheeto? Whatever the fuck his name is.

Chester Cheeto did your hair? And he was doing it. And his wife was like this. He was like some old white guy and his wife was like some Vietnamese lady. Of course, because they had a pizza shop. There's nothing more pizza shop than an older white guy and a Vietnamese lady handing out pizza.

They literally could be hanging out. If they hung out long enough, a pizza shop would be built around them. If that happened. When an old white guy meets a fucking younger Vietnamese lady, a pizza shop. If they stand around too long in one place, a pizza shop is erected around them for safety. And then they're like, what are you doing? And they're like, we got to do this for for safety you stood in the same place for too long he's like and he's like what if i leave and she's like what if i what if we walk away and they're like that's fine but if you stay

in one place for too long we will bring an oven in here and we will erect walls and we will put joe's pizza outside of it if the guy's name is Joe, it doesn't matter. We got to tell us her name. We'll put a sign up. So, oh, man, this is a loosey-goosey podcast, man. So I used to go there all the time after school, and he used to deal with kids, man. He must have hated us fucking snot and those teenagers. man he must have hated us fucking snot and those teenagers and uh and uh she gave him the pizza once that i ordered and she goes and she goes here you go and she's she said it's hot in her little vietnamese accent and he fucking turned around to me and i heard him say and she didn't but i heard him say, and she didn't, but I heard him say, I know it's fucking hot.

Like, tell me about that shit when you're sitting across from me, man. So funny to think about how miserable this fucking orange haired fucking guy's life was. I know it's fucking hot. guy's life was i know it's fucking hot and and shit like that happens in life and you have the audacity not to tell me those things and tell me about your kid doing little league tell me about fucking and sucking tell me about when a pizza guy snapped at his Vietnamese wife but don't tell me when your daughter started learning how to play the flute.

Come on, man. Dude, shit like that happen in your life? I know it's fucking hot. How'd that happen, man? Oh, fuck. Oh, and your mom moved out of her house? God, tell me some bullshit, man.

Let's look at more of these fucking gaming systems. Congratulations, Bob. Congratulations, Bob. Oh, this guy said they better bring out the Brinks truck. And everyone's saying, are you a fan of Chris D'Elia? Isaiah Thomas on the Celtics, I guess. But I think fucking 2 Chainz said that or something. I mean, doesn't that something rappers say um let's see some more shit here

oh that fucking wet wrestler head thing made me made me laugh it's so funny when everybody does the same shit oh man all right oh somebody said by the way somebody sent me they said they were watching my netflix special in a polo with a big ass number on the on the high left side of it because he because i was talking about that on the podcast and he really did he had a number 43 for no reason on this fucking thing all right well i think i'm gonna wrap this shit up let's see maybe we could do one more here um by the way guys i have a blast doing this but i will stop if you guys don't fucking rate and review it i really will um so tell your friends about it man uh tell your friends about it and

um rate and review it and tweet about it and put up instagram posts and shit and send the links say hey listen watch this pocket listen to this podcast and do the link and if it grows and grows i'll do start doing video too because i was thinking about doing that you guys are great um and fuck i had a good time with this one man this was a loosey-goosey podcast this was the loosey-goosey one um you guys are my babies don't you forget that man and don't you forget that you guys are in my cult because this is really just the beginning of a cult my friend said he started listening to my podcast and he was saying dude it's kind of cult like what's going on and then i started saying hey i'm starting a cult and he was like oh shit which means it's real man and you guys are killing it you guys are helping me out all i want to do is sit in a fucking cabin out in the woods

and fucking have teachings and readings and shit and like you know nine people i fuck guys and girls not even gay but just like because you're passing your knowledge it's a Greek like how they used to think that like doing that made you a man talk about talking and sucking and definitely not talking about little league you guys we wrote this podcast

till the motherfucking wheels fell off I'll see you soon Austin I'll see you soon Austin tickets at ChrisDelia.com I'll see you soon, Austin. I'll see you soon, Austin. Tickets at chrisdalia.com. I'll see you soon, Albuquerque. I'll see you soon, Montreal. Charlotte, Nashville. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

I'll see all you guys. Rate and review the podcast, please. If you haven't watched my special yet on Netflix, please watch that. Man on fire. Man on fire. And hashtag it all up, man on fire. Congratulations, pod. And help me back up this

motherfucking Brink's truck before Isaiah Thomas gets it, alright? Because that's my money, dude. You guys are my babies and I appreciate you a lot. Thanks, guys. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfuckers. Congratulations, motherfuckers. Tell me about fucking and tell me about sucking, but definitely don't tell me about how your daughter played the flute.