Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 240. Instant Warlord

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

🤙 Thank you sponsors: 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris takes Calvin to Coffee Bean, sees a dog at a diner, and once again checks in on the amazing life of Rick Ross. He also shares some important messages folks have for Putin. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. We're off and we're recording. And that's it. And the past is the past. And here we go. It's congratulations episode whatever it is. I have no idea. We've done way too many of them. Thought we're only going to do five or six all good we're involved we are so involved in the podcast world it's it's honestly unbelievable um the king and the wing is no more uh sorry the king and the sting is no more it is now called it is it is a new show, King and the Sting and the Wing. So deal with that.

It's Patreon two episodes and YouTube two episodes. Each month is four episodes. It goes half and half. So you can go over to the Patreon, patreon.com slash cats plus, or you can go to the Patreon of our show. Congratulations. Either one, do them both, you know, and you get an extra episode of congratulations. Just, you know, we just keep doubling it, you know. That's what we keep doing it. That's the year of doubling it.

That's what this year is. 2022 is the year of doubling. So yeah, we got that. If you want to support the show, go to patreon.com slash Chris Talia. And we added a show in Irvine. It might be sold out by the time this comes out. It's in like a month or so. So go to chrisalia.com.

I'm also doing a shorter, well, I'm doing a spot over at Jam in the Van this weekend in Century City in Los Angeles. Go to Jam in the Van website for that. And then I think that's, oh, Phoenix. We're off. We got Phoenix. April 30th, I am doing Phoenix, Chris D'Elia at the Celebrity Theater, Saturday, April 30th, and tickets are live now,

pre-sale code. Don't push me in lowercase. Or if you're listening to this on Friday, it's on the general public. So you can just go to the website, go to chrislea.com. It'll figure it all out, but you can, you can do it.

But the presale code is don't push me. So if you're in Phoenix and if you are a, if you're part of this cult, it's your duty to come out, man, get that merch on and let's go um my my thing's not working okay cool um so yeah so that's what's up Irvine I got a spot coming up in Los Angeles and then also Phoenix that's the big one dude that's actually my I think uh yeah it's

my first theater show uh back after like two two years um anyway i'm excited for that so uh you know let's get into it here with the here with the uh you know the code is don't push me because you know how it'd be don't push me get that merch chrislea.com don't push me um but i um yeah i've been having a good week you know it's good sometimes just hanging out with my son it just lets me just kind of reset realize what the fuck life is all about um kristen brought home a uh um a what do you call it a fucking like thing for just a tchotchke dude i can't believe kristen and the tchotchkes honestly if she's that's like a band from 1950s from the 50s fucking kristen kristen and the tchotchkes honestly if she's that's like a band from 1950s from the 50s fucking kristin kristin and the tchotchkes hey we're here we are live on the show and we are introducing a new group

kristin and tchotchkes and it's just her in a short sparkly fucking dress with tassels on it and she's just like gonna be spending your money money she's gonna be spending your money money she watches too much videos on youtube and says we need that and then she goes to target in all the places and then she's gonna spend your money money and then she's gonna spend her money money all right take it away that's kriskin kristin and the tchotchkes and we go to fucking if she watches one more thing studio mcgee i'm gonna shoot my brains out dude her with the studio McGee, dude. It's like anyone else and fucking Nutella. I swear to God. Studio. First of all, it's called Studio McGee.

That's like a joke you'd make. It's what's her name? Studio McGee. It'say mcgee is the girl's name and she's like the dude she like straight up like dissed me kristen she's like i can't believe like your videos get like millions of views and like shay mcgee like look at what she gets it's like not even a million views and i'm like well what is she doing and she's just like well look she's like the most popular um uh decorator like house interior dick designer house builder kind of, I don't know. She's just a, she's a white girl, you know? Like that's literally any, you can just sum it all up in white with white girl. And she's like, just look.

And it's beautiful. I mean, she really has an eye for this shit. There's a real talent, by the way. I'm going to make fun of her, but it's a real talent. So now that I say it's a real talent, off to the races with the making fun of them shit but her name's shea mcgee and she's like really popular and she puts like a whole bunch of creams together and like won't go as dark as brown but it'll be like she'll be inching up next to tan and then as bright as off-white and that's it dude and it's so calming and nice and the windows are so open dude like whole whole like walls or windows

in this shit and kristen will be like just look at this doesn't this make you feel beautiful this is see this is what i need this is what she's watching studio mcgee see this is what i mean just as the more as kristen's eyeballs watch studio mcgee my bank account is just going like this gonna gonna spend their money money it's chris get it it's kristen of the jaskies McGee, my bank account is just going like this. No way she'll buy white or brown It's just fucking basically tan Different tans and different creams Gonna spend that money, money She'd buy a dildo if it was cream She'd buy a dildo if it was wooden and cream And you'd look good next to a plant

She's gonna spend her money, money Just fucking She'd buy a fucking decapitated head If it was just engine up next to the head If it was just engine up next to the eye of white She's gonna spend that money money she'd buy a fucking swastika if it was cream she'd buy fucking a bunch of swastikas and she could place them around and put them as coasters she's gonna spend

cream swastikas money money so studio mcgee is what she's fucking watching and it's like every video has 900 000 views and it's got white women all along just like the white woman turns that shit on and they're just like wow see this is see this see see this is that's what it is and then the husband's just oh no bank account just fucking just gouging the bank oh no so she came back with like a little wooden fucking uh wiry bicycle and now calvin's this is how the fucking shit works this is how it works this is how uh consumerism works so she comes back with a little bicycles like this big it's all made out of wire who knows how much it was however much it was it's too much all she did

is put it on the island next to a plant. And now we've got a little fucking iron bicycle that doesn't do anything. That's just sit next to a fucking plant. And then Calvin looks at it and he's like, Oh, by tickle by tickle. And we're like, bicycle,

by tickle, by tickle, bicycle, by tickle. And then finally bicycle. Now he won't stop saying bicycle. Now we have to take the fucking thing off of the island. And now he's running around with this bicycle.

And then the fucking bicycle breaks. So now it's broken, dude. And we're going to take that money, money. You got a fucking bullshit cream bicycle. And now it's fucking broken. And now guess what? Now your son wants a fucking actual bicycle. Now my son wants a fucking actual bicycle now my son wants a

bicycle so now we're looking up other youtube videos of purchasing my first my son's first bike and now this kid's like i want an orange bike now calvin's like orange bike orange bike orange bicycle orange bike my son wants a fucking orange bike so not only do i have a fucking bullshit studio mcgee little mini bicycle that's wire that's broken that isn't even by the way it still is not it was nothing and it is nothing it was nothing next to the plant now that it's broken it just exposes how nothing it is you can fix it still nothing okay and now my son wants an orange bike which is fine i want to give my son an orange bike but it's like you know it's just like my face with a fucking graph just going

down with my money she's gonna spend that money now she got calvin involved she got calvin involved and it's just like jesus now i gotta buy so everything's cream in my goddamn house the only thing that's not cream in my house because of studio mcgee is fucking the floor because it's the floor and it's brown and you get and we're moving out we're building a house oh my god dude you know we're building a house because you know that that's how it goes because you're a listener of congratulations if you think i'm not gonna have the fucking most cream house of all time, you're out of your fucking mind, dude. Dude, you guys won't come over, but I'll tell you right now, if you're my friend listening to this, dude, you're going to come over. My house is going to be so fucking cream.

It's going to look like milky diarrhea. Dude, I'm going to have the milkiest diarrhea, the most milkiest diarrhea in this house of all time. It's only going to be cream, dude. You're going to see my house, you're going to be like, did a giant crap all over it and on the inside too? It's childish. Going to be 42. But that's the truth, dude.

I can't believe how cream everything on fucking Studio McGee is. Fuck yeah, dude, I'm relatable. I don't give a shit. This is my deal here. This is my deal here. Milky Diarrhea House. What is it with fucking cream and white chicks, dude? For real.

For real. Remember when chicks just like pink and then Machine Gun Kelly fucked it all up? If I see another fucking machine when's the last time you seen a machine gun kelly in an outfit that didn't have pink all over it also i like machine gun kelly i'm a fan of i met him once and he was nice as shit i don't know one thing of his songs and that's fine dude i don't think it's for me but that motherfucker dude i like guys who are like who got like people saying like, fuck that guy about him. I like that guy.

But he's a tall fucking strinky pale drink of water, right? But he's wearing pink, dude. If you're pale, you're not supposed to wear pink. He knows it and doesn't care. He doubles down fine. But dude, remember when chicks own pink? And now you got the most, the Machine Gun Kellys of the world wearing pink. And you got the white chicks on this cream train.

It's fine, right? There's other things to be worried about, like what's happening in Ukraine. But this is my fucking thing, dude. If you want to learn about the Ukraine and Russia, go to NPR, man. But we don't stand for that. Now, ours is about chilling, talking about the minor issues that are, in fact, the major issues, okay? Because you can't change the world unless you start with the minor shit. that are in fact the major issues, okay?

Because you can't change the world unless you start with the minor shit. Everyone's always like, we want the homeless to be able to have houses and we want no hunger and fucking peace, bro. Are you kidding me? You got to start with the fucking cream, dude. You got to start with expanding white chicks' minds with different colors.

And I'm just saying. And it's fine. What's happening over in Ukraine is an absolute travesty, obviously. Do I know anything about it? No. I have one friend that's pro-Putin and it's really fucking weird. It's really odd that he's pro-Putin. I don't know anything about it. All I know is if you were to like come out on social media about supporting Putin, you'd lose all your fucking jobs. That's all I know. And my buddy is really secretly into Putin and it's very weird. And I've got to fucking figure out what the hell is going on. So I know if I could, you know.

But it is what it is. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. It is what it is, dude. You know, I'm a, I'm a, I don't know. I don't, I don't think, you think you know i just don't i'm not look i can just come out and say some basic shit like war isn't the answer and i don't think war is the answer right because it's like i don't know it's guys with their egos and shit and it's like if you were gonna be a fucking I think I was one parent away from being a fucking warlord or a dictator, for real, and I'm not joking.

I'm just one parent away. I don't even know which one. But if you mixed one parent, one of my parents up with another parent, just with the way they are, instant warlord. I've always, you know, I've said that. So, yeah, I don't know what's going on in the world though i try to stop i don't want to listen to the news i know it's like be educated and shit i was talking to my therapist about this earlier but i was like dude i can't stand when these fucking actors are just like out there like we need to stop what's happening in ukraine and you're like oh really dude oh really oh yeah oh oh is that what we're supposed to do fucking uh you know fourth lead in yellow jackets or whatever

the fuck that show is on hbo oh yeah is that what we're supposed to do you're posting the Ukrainian flag, oh yeah, thanks, thanks third lead in super pumped, all right, yeah, thanks fucking, you know, that fucking show super pumped, you know I had to check it out,

because Jason Gordon-Levitt's in it, you know I had to check that shit out, because Joseph Gorsuch-Levitt, fucking whatever his name, have two names in it you know i had to check that shit out because joseph goseph levitt fucking whatever his name have two names dude you know have two names if you fucking want somebody to do like joseph gordon levitt you're a you're a cock you're a cock sucker you know that right like you're a fucking straight up like if you're a guy that's just like, oh, I'm actually, like, Thomas Hayden Church? How, first of all, he fucked it up. Tom Church is the illest name, dude. Why would you want to, if your last name is Church, why would you want to spend the extra time saying your middle name when you could get right to Church, dude?

If my, if my, I'm telling you right now, dude. If my second name, if my last name was church oh dude well first of all i would have never got canceled i would be literally i'd probably be one of the top comics chris church i mean i am one of the top comics but i probably would be one of the more toppest comics chris church dude tom church is the shit and this guy's trying to fucking space it out with hayden that's that's crazy to me honestly that's why thomas hayden church biggest role was either sideways or the sandman in one of the spider movies if it wasn't he would be the rock um so i watched uh fear thy neighbor which is another show that's just creepy where like

you gotta dude i watch a show fear thy neighbor and it's like one of those shows that like in that like you find like we we signed up for discovery plus and like it's just one of those shows that that you are like huh what's this it shows like half a person's body on the fucking on the icon and it just says fear thy neighbor like it's cut into the into wood and it's like so big it's probably she wanted to watch it because it's so beige the fucking the the icon for it is so beige it's like it was made by studio mcgee fear thy neighbor studio mcgee and uh so we we click it and it's one of those shows that like, oh, there's just 11 seasons of it. You know, where the fuck do these shows get off being 12 years old already?

No, I'm talking about. Like, how do I not know a show? This is the state right now of the entertainment industry. The fact that I don't know a show that I can possibly not know what a show is or that it exists and it's already in season 12. How's it be on season four? And I don't, and I don't know about it.

It's just too many shows out there. So we put on sphere, the neighbor and we start watching it. And it's like about these awful neighbors that just lose their mind. And there's fucking literally, let's see. So it's six episodes in season one. I don't know. There's probably more episodes in the next season. So let's just do the math. So six times 11 seasons. So that's 66. There's at least 66 shows, which means there's different episodes of neighbors losing their mind. And on this show, it's not just the neighbors losing

their minds. It's the neighbors goading the people who live there to lose their minds themselves. So that's doubling it. So it's 66 times two. So that's what? 112, right? Isn't that what 66 times two is? Your boy's real good at math, isn't he? Is that even what it is? 66 times two? Hey, Siri, what's 66 times two? Hey, Siri, what's 66 times 2? Hey, Siri, what's 66 times 2? Hey, Siri, what's 60? Fucking. 132.

Whoa, he was so close. Fuck yeah, dude. He couldn't have been fucking closer. What do he say 112 It doesn't matter Math was never his strong suit But he fucking Yeah he's got the gift of gab And is that what gets you further on in life

Yeah He got a D fucking He got a D plus in algebra too But my god He got that gift But did he get a fucking Backrated English Yeah he did too As a matter of thing but did he get a fucking bad grade in english yeah he did too as a matter of fact but did he create his own way of speaking yeah and then we've got

people behind him he's got an army behind him with fucking people understand what he's saying yeah he does so anyway dude so now we're watching feel that neighbor so so it's doubling it, so it's 66 times 2, that's, what is it, 132? 132. So now my point is, it's not just the neighbor that's crazy, it's the person that lives there that's crazy. So that's 132 crazy people through the span of this show. Now those are just the ones that they pick for the best episodes, and guess what happens in the best episodes? One of the neighbors kills the other one, so these are the most extreme some of these episodes a few people end up dying so these are the most extreme versions of the craziest people that are neighbors in the world okay so my thing is if people like this are so crazy and they're just out there being neighbors and 132 of them are in a show about it how many are there in real life number one and number two let's just jump right to it

how can you ever trust anything anyone says in history i'm just gonna meet someone and believe them? Dude, these people meet, it starts off nice as shit, these shows. These shows are just like, Tom was there and he moved in and he noticed that there was something weird and a dog came by and fucking peed on his fence and then there was a broken bottle. So the other guy got really mad and he started teaching his kids how to fucking march like an army outside of the house with guns in their hands and you're like whoa whoa wait a second it started nice

so how could you believe anything anyone ever says dude if there's nutso neighbors out there these are just neighbors again they're not people in the military that have like scarred fucking you know like a guy with a scarred past that like liam nissan would play right these are all fucking insane people that you don't know about it they're undercover insane so the other thing is why are we listening to anybody on the internet and this is the main point I wanted to drive home. Because if you're meeting people that are neighbors and they're two-faced or you don't know their mental capacity or how broken their brain is, then how can you trust somebody you don't know that you meet? And then beyond that, how can you trust somebody behind a keyboard that might not even be the person who's tweeting

they might be someone else and we'll just go along with it the guy from jeopardy doesn't have a job anymore these people are all your fucking crazy neighbors fear thy neighbor dude fear thy everyone just fucking hole up. Love your family. Right? I don't know, man. I want to not trust people. Like, I want to do a little bit more like Tupac, you know?

In my own life, I want to be a little bit more like fucking, you know what I mean? But, like, I'm not that guy. I can't. I'm not. You know, I want to be fucking Tupac so bad, you know what I mean? Like, I'm so kind of a, I want to, you know know i want to get that thug life tatted across my belly you know what i mean i want to be like but i'm like too nice you know i really am my son changed me dude and not that i was ever fucking tupac like fucking absolutely thugging but like i am now

even softer than I've ever been. And I want to not trust people, but then I meet them and they look me in the eyes and I smile at them. And then I realized that, you know, yeah, my smile is a little bit intoxicating. And theirs might be disarming, but guess what? I'm right there too. And my smile is disarming as well. So now we're both unarmed, just intoxicating the shit out of each other and i hope that you're not fucking gonna have a broken brain and i'm gonna figure it out too late with a knife in my belly be careful out there that's all i'm saying man i did get a fucking d in algebra though and like a c in english

when i was in high school but who cares i'm just like it's a shame that we have to deal with other people's crazinesses like i've got a butt like everyone has their own shit you know everyone has their own shit but like my buddy uh oh first of all i went to fucking i went to a diner the other night and i'll get into my buddy Oh first of all I went to a diner the other night And I'll get into my buddy being crazy But I went to a diner the other night And my fucking dude Remember how I said I had rat damage In my one car

And then I had to get a whole new Computer system in one car And I took that car back And then I got that other car And then that car They said they had rat damage But then they didn't have rat damage. I said in the with Chris video, the last one, the Chick-fil-A one that the fucking, that

the rat that I, that they said I had rat damage in my Audi, but I didn't have rat damage. They sent me the bill and it was zero fucking dollars, dude. They sent me the bill. I get a, I get a text from Audi. Here's your bill. And I was like, bill, they never even told me what it was. And they're already delivering the car and I didn't pay for it. I clicked on the shit and it said $0.

Why are you texting me something like this? First of all, and just give me the fucking car. And what did you do to it? They didn't even tell me. They were just like, yeah, we fixed it.

And then I looked at it. It was like, uh, it was literally like transistor clicker thing, fix in like manual labor. What did they do, dude? And now the air conditioning works. And so now I got all my cars working.

And guess what happens? I take it to a diner. I take my fucking, I take my car with the fucking bloody insides. I take it to the fucking diner, dude. And of course, I'm fucking doing it. And then, you know, yeah, I got fucking bloody guts in the inside, right? I mean, it looks real nice. It looks like if a friend opened up your anus and you stuck your head in there, right?

I mean, it's really pink and super nice, right? It's so pink, MGK should be wearing it on fucking Ellen. I mean, it's real nice, but nobody could tell because the windows are too tinted. Right? No, but it's pink inside, they say. But is that a fucking mystery or what? Because we can't see in it. The windows are rolled up because he doesn't want them to see his face because he's a celebrity.

But he's got two chains now. But how do we know? He might as well be rolling up two brick walls on the outside of his creme de la creme Mercedes. Why? Because we can't see in. Well, quick, hop on a bird, because the roof's exposed. Oh, God.

What's that mean? If you get on a pterodactyl, you can look down and see the bloody guts. Oh. And so it goes. And so it goes. And so it goes. Well, we can see the mango white, but you said it's at the windows are up.

But the dual exhaust and the yada yada And the black plates And the sure yeah But But you said the inside Is a whole god damn Computer screen And the seats go back And you can basically Take a nap

But yeah Yada yada So I pull up to the Fucking diner I eat the diner I get what I get You know how daddy does it With the fucking chicken sandwich

God damn it That's just Chef's kiss Not gonna tell you where it is because i want to go again and i don't want you there but god damn it the chicken fucking sandwich at this place oh god chef's kiss right i mean this chicken sandwich oh my fucking god and guess what it's under new ownership because the fucking pandemic ruined everything and the and the diner went down and got sold to different people and they didn't really change the menu except they changed their fries and guess what dude when you're gonna change something that's fucking awesome it always gets worse but the fries are fucking better

so i'm sitting there eating chicken sandwich with the fries and you know I keep it lean right Johnny keeps it real lean like I'm so lean dude I should be in the fucking show twilight but I'm not though because I'm pale too but I'm not though right so I eat I eat the chicken sandwich you know I don't even get a brownie because your boy's fucking I'm sorry strong guys but I've been looking real fucking you know it's like I'm real where I need to be and I got mountains where it needs to be. Okay. I mean, the fucking boulders on my back are absolutely on fucking, they're unbelievable, but also my, my waist it's trim, right? So I eat the shit, I go out and, oh, wow, this is

fucking funny. Well, actually, let me talk to you about how crazy my friend is a little bit after this, because I even got more story coming. See, this is what happens. I start one thing and I fucking, you know, we get rolling and rolling and then this turns into another thing. And that's why every fucking podcast is two stories. So I'm in Swingers. That's the place I go to. I've exposed it. I don't care. Go if you want to.

Sometimes I go. I don't normally go. But every now and then I go and I'm eating the chicken sandwich. I want to shout them out because chef's kiss. Okay. I want to shout them out because they fucking went under new management. And guess what? Thought the fries were going to suck, but the fries are even better now.

Chef's kiss. Okay. That's fine. But I'm eating fucking chicken sandwich, chef's kiss and the fries, chef's kiss. All right. Now I'm doing that. And then I go and I leave and I get in my car. Yes.

I'm all fucking, you know, I'm inside the fucking, uh, right. The bloody guts. And I get in my car. Yes, I'm all fucking, you know, I'm inside the fucking, right? The bloody guts and I get home. All's well that ends well. I get in my bed. You know, probably argue about what TV show we're going to watch a little bit with Chris and then I go to sleep.

And I wake up the next morning, had an awful night's sleep. And I remember this because i went back to sleep after i ate breakfast i cooked breakfast for me and calvin and we ate right like father and son and we had a good time and then i went to sleep at 11 30 again okay i went to sleep at 11 30 again and then i wake up to kristen saying chris and immediately the tone in her voice my heart my heart's gonna explode okay because i've had a rough two years and when somebody comes up and says hey hey chris hey chris in the dead of sleep my heart's gonna blow up right so i wake up out of this deep sleep and my heart's going to blow up, right? So I wake up out of this deep sleep

and my heart's pumping. So I said, well, what's up? And she says, okay, I don't know, but like, I don't know when this happened, but the back passenger window of your car is completely shattered like somebody was trying to break in. So now I realize it's okay to be anxious

because what the fuck happened last night? Okay? Okay? So I go outside and as clear as day, I i mean my fucking window in the back right is just splintered as all get out and somebody tried to either take a rock or a screwdriver and puncture it 19 times i counted 19 times dude we did it because i've got a fucking nanny that's a real real like sleuth like that's why she also likes to watch that shit like you're the neighbor because she's a real sleuth she'll be like well it was punctured 19 times and it looked like it was done by a professional but i don't think they were

actually trying to steal your car because why would they try to do it in the back left window when they when when when if you're going to try to steal a car you just go to the closest window and that's the driver's side you just crawl in and then drive away and i was like aha very good but why did they come down here and try to steal something while I was sleeping at night in my house? So I got really nervous. Because L.A. is a fucking dumpster fire right now. You know that. Because of how you can just rob a car and they'll let you.

Okay? So now I'm like, well, fuck, man. These, whoever's going to do it, they're going to come again. Because you hear that thing where it's like, oh, the banks that get, that get robbed, they get robbed again. So I'm like, well, fuck now they're going to try to come for my car tonight. So guess what your boy did? Your boy doesn't fuck around.

I hired armed security, dude. I hired armed security. They showed up. This dude looked like a ball player. He was just like, what's up? I got armed security outside of my house. Like I'm the goddamn president. So I hired armed security.

And as the night fades, I go outside and I look at the, I look at the car and I can't see really the splinter anymore. So I find that odd. And so Kristen was like, well, if you couldn't see it, then maybe it happened while you were at swingers the other night. And I go, yeah, that makes much more sense. It happened when I was at swingers because at night when I walked back from swingers, I couldn't see the fucking window being splintered and it didn't happen at my house because why the fuck would it happen at my house? If it was going to happen at my house, it would be the front window and splintered. And it didn't happen at my house. Cause why the fuck would it happen at my house? If it was going to happen at my house,

it would be the front window and somebody would try to steal the car and they wouldn't give up. It was probably just a crazy person walking on Beverly Boulevard that fucking said some shit like science is everywhere. And then bashed my window in. And I was like, there we go. Maybe they just heard about the bloody guts and they wanted to see it for

their own. I mean, you know what I mean? I don't know. So, uh, I had two nights of the armed security and it's nice to know i can get armed security when i want to the guy was balling though the guy was cool as fuck he was like what's up sir

i'm here he had a gun and he was ready and i invited my friends over and i was like oh shit i should go tell him i say hey by the way i have two friends coming over they're not robbing me he was like okay good i'm glad you let me know i'm like oh why were you gonna shoot them anyway so now i got a fucking car problem again dude rats ate my wires and rats ate my wires and fucking two flat tires and someone hit my other car and now i got fucking i got many car problems but maybe it's because i have many cars whatever dude my point is it's crazy out there in los angeles but what happened was now i'm at swingers and this is what i wanted to tell you about how crazy my friend is i don't know what's up with my friend maybe he's on the spectrum i don't really know and i don't mean to knock anybody on the spectrum i actually think maybe my friend is on the spectrum, but he like, I don't know. He does this thing where like we were, we were in the place swingers and fucking, there's a dog in the restaurant and it's on a leash. And I notice it because it's a dog in a restaurant. And I'm like, okay, maybe it's like a fucking either a seeing eye dog and nobody's blind there though. So I'm like, okay, it's an emotional support pet, but I'm like, leave him at home, right?

There's food. I'm like, isn't this unsanitary? How'd this person get this fucking dog in a diner? Have you ever seen a dog in a diner? I've never seen a dog in a diner. I know I'm looking down to my right as I'm paying and there's a dog in a diner. Now, what do I not want to do? I don't want to give this person any fucking energy because they've got a dog in a diner and anyone with a dog in a diner, what do they want? They

want one thing, energy. And that could be in the form of attention. It could be in the form of anger. It could be the form of anything, but they want looks, they want something, they want energy. So I don't fucking give it to them because it's all out war when you've got a dog in the diner and I'm there. You want that attention? You want that energy? Well, guess what? Troops, mobilize. No. I got those binders on. I'm not looking at you if you've got a dog in the diner,

but I notice it out of the peripheral like a hippo. Okay? And then I notice more out of my peripheral. My friend with his phone out taking a picture of the dog. He's taking a picture of it. This is exactly what they fucking wanted, you know? And I'm so annoyed. I'm just like oh great in the meantime i don't know this but somebody's literally trying to break into my fucking cocksucking car i have no idea

but that's beside the point so he's trying to fucking goddamn take a picture of this and i look at him and i just see his fucking smile and i hear it you know it's one of those fucking hearing you can hear you know how some people's faces you can just hear if you're close enough like newscasters theo von's like that too but my buddy's Like that and he's taking a picture and I hear His fucking face just from being close to it And out of the peripheral Of my fucking I see the fucking guy taking a picture

And I go why are you taking a picture Of this dog and he says I don't know And now I'm pissed off more because he doesn't even have A fucking reason so he's just taking a picture of the dog So now he takes a picture of the dog. I finished paying and I walk outside with him. Oh, I forgot another part of the thing.

This is why LA is going fucking to hell in a handbasket. So as we're eating the food, okay, a homeless guy walks into the diner with shit all over him. Oh, I forgot the best part. Oh, oopsie daisy. The story was so banging that I forgot the best part as if it was the worst part. So this homeless guy walks in with excrement on him, not like, Hey bro, you got shit on you. And it's not like, hey, bro, you got shit on you and it's not shit. Like, hey, bro, you have shit on you and it's excrement. And guess where it is? The worst possible place.

Where, Chris? His mouth? Nope. His hands. Oh, but that's not worse than... Let me stop you right there. It's worse to have shit on your mouth. If it's yours, if it's someone else,

it's bad when it's on their hands. Cause they can touch you. Okay. So, Hey guy, I don't mean to be rude to you. I feel bad that you're down and out, but you got shit on your hands.

So you've got to get out of the establishment that I'm in. So the fucking dude came over like the dude who was the manager is like, Hey man, you just got to go. of the establishment that i'm in so the fucking dude came over like the dude who was the manager he's like hey man you just got to go you got to go you know you got to go and the guy was like yeah but i need some money and he was like yeah but you got to go and he's like can i just have a dollar to somebody else in another booth he's like you got to go you got shit on your hands you got to go you got shit on your hands and the guy just fucking wafted it all up so it's like shit right the guy ends up leaving so then we pay and my buddy takes a picture with the dog sorry i'm doing an out of order like i'm quitting tarantino or

something but i'm telling a story and this is how it goes right so as we're leaving i say to him man what a weird night and he says why just because i took a picture of a dog and as we're walking out i say nah man because of the guy who had shit all over his hands not the people who had a dog at the diner and as i'm walking out there with a fucking dog eating outside on the patio and they're right next to me and the guy says to me well yeah we're in la and i say oh shit now i'm in this predicament i wasn't talking about this guy and also here's the thing i don't care if the dog's outside of the diner and you're on the patio, that's where it should be. But this guy now thinks that I'm bitching about him being outside on the patio

with the dog at the diner. And he says, oh, and I said, no, no, no, I'm actually,

it actually has nothing to do with you what I'm saying. And he says, oh, okay. Cause I was going to say, well, that was extraordinarily sarcastic and I was like I know I get it but it really wasn't and

I say look at that cutie because the dog was cute and as I'm saying look at that cutie my buddy who I think might perhaps be on the spectrum is taking another picture of this goddamn dog so now i'm fuming dude can i just get out of this goddamn diner without making a documentary about dogs excuse me but am i a pa on a documentary about dogs and diners? Or am I just chilling with my weird friend that just happens to take pictures of fucking dogs and diners? Because either way, I don't want to be

a part of it. Whoopsie daisy, I've either got this job as a documentarian or I'm hanging out with this friend who's taking pictures of dogs for no reason. So I begin to walk away because not only do I want to distance myself from my friend, I don't even want to be in this situation at all. So I'm like, if you're going to take a fucking picture of this dog after not learning your lesson in the first one, then dude, you're on your fucking own. So as I'm walking away, the guys are like, oh, wow. And my buddy of all, he's taking the picture of the fucking dog and he trying to get the dog's attention.

And the guys are like sitting there like posing. This poor gay couple just sitting there just posing like what's this fucking weirdo dude doing? My buddy trying to get the dog attention. He goes like this. And the dog loses his mind. I mean, dude, don't. Hey, number one. Hey, let's make a list of things to not do when you see a random dog.

Number one, stab him. Number two, snap at him. Because you don't know what the dog's gonna do. This dog goes, and the gay dude's like, oh, okay, okay. And my buddy's taking pictures. They're all coming out blurry, like the dog's in the fucking ring. Like saw the video and the and so then my buddy just like a bitch just walking over to me and i'm like what the fuck bro what was all that and he was like yeah the shit on his hands and i'm like i'm talking about the fucking dogs now and we get in my car bloody guts we don't see the fucking splintered this is the when it happened right the somebody tried to get in my car, bloody guts. We don't see the fucking splintered. This is when it happened, right?

Somebody tried to break in my car. I mean, what a fucking travesty this whole night. So I get in the car. We're both sitting in the fucking bloody guts. And I say to him, I say, hey, man, I got to know. Sorry. This is just something for me. Just for me and my well-being. You did your shit. Now let me just do mine, right? It's like a conversation where you let

somebody talk. You do the listening. Now it's my turn, okay? You got to do all your shit by taking the pictures of the dogs and all your misunderstanding about the guy with the shit on his hands. And now it's fucking my turn, okay? We're in my car. I'm in the driver's seat, literally. So I say, why did you take that picture of that dog in the inside? And he says, well, no, because I thought it was cute. And I said, no, no, no. I get wanting to see the dog, and I understand why you did it in that way. But why did you take the picture?

And he said, I thought it was cute. And I said, no, no, no. I thought the dog was cute as well. But why did you take the picture? And he said, I thought it was cute. And I said, no, no, no. I thought the dog was cute as well, but why did you take that picture? And he said, I don't know. I guess I wanted to have the picture. And then I said, why? And then he said, I guess, I don't know. I could look at it whenever I want to. And I said, you're never going to look at that photo again. And he started laughing and he said, I don't know, maybe I'll post it on Instagram. And I said, you're never going to look at that photo again. And he started laughing and he said, I don't know, maybe I'll post it on Instagram. And I said, yeah. And what are you going to say?

He said, I'll probably put it on my story and I'll put like, I don't know, Swingers Diner. Not worth it. Worth it. Population zero. I mean, dude, oh yeah? You're going to post a picture of a dog? Cool, man. Well, you got it.

You got that picture. And then we walked outside. And you took another picture of a dog. Hey, man, why'd you do that one? And he said, well, because I thought the dog looked cute. And I said, no, no, no, we've already been down this road. Why? And he said, well, I thought it would be funny if I posted a picture of a dog

and then I posted another picture of a dog. It would be like, what's up with all these dogs? Because this is Lost. Because it doesn't make sense. Because that's what they do in the show Lost. During commercial break, it'll go... So now we're doing it now, because this situation makes as much sense as the show lost.

When my friend takes one picture of a dog, but when my friend takes two pictures of two dogs, I just don't understand this like also you're just a you're just like in your 40s you know what I mean who you fucking Steve Irwin pick a brand you know pick a lane oh now you're a guy who takes pictures of dogs at a diner? For fuck's sake. I mean, I love a fucking, it's like, dude, I deal with that craziness because he's my friend and I love him. He's one of my best friends in the world and I love him. Taking pictures of dogs or not, but that's a down ass motherfucker. And I know his craziness.

But my point is, there's new people you meet and those people are fucking absolutely bonkers crazy. Those people maybe are the people that bring the dogs in the diner or even worse. Maybe they're the person who walks into a diner with shit all over his hands. You don't know people. But you know your friends. So stay tight with your friends and try not to meet too many people. And definitely don't listen. There's always a moral, right? There's always a moral, right? There's always a moral.

And the moral is, you know, don't watch Super Pumped. I do love this podcast. And, uh... Let's watch this Rick Ross video. I mean, is this guy fucking a fan of the podcast or what, dude? This guy's an insane fucking person. While I'm watching this one, dude,

one fire, will you look up the fucking expensive sweat one? Because he did that one, too. I don't even know if you heard about it. So, Rick Ross bringing down a camel. Here, this is Rick Ross getting on a camel. So bitch. Immediate bitch. Oh, Cincy.

The end of it, dude. Dude, someone screenshot that face. So worried. Half face. So worried. Half on. It's a bitch. It's a bitch. Oh, his face at the end, dude. Cincy.

You know what the thing is about rappers? Honestly, they're like Batman. They can't do shit that might leave them cincy right like imagine batman was a real person don't have people with fucking iphones film you getting on a camel you're gonna look so bitch unless you do it all the time you got to remain at the utmost most hardcore shit of all time you can't all you can't be rapping about rims, hoes, and money and how you kill people and how you're a boss. And then all of a sudden you want to fucking just jump on a camel. You might fall and be a bitch and up.

See, Daisy, Rick Ross, you were. And now we lose respect. What's happening to all these motherfuckers? They used to be the shit. And now nobody even cares about being the shit. These motherfuckers were... Rappers were just killing it, dude. And now they got to do all extra shit.

Like fucking DJ Khaled getting on a jet ski and being like... You know? Boss. getting on a jet ski and being like you know boss i got a camel that rides itself this tiktok message to putin really kind of brings it home you know honestly this is the thing about the the i think if putin just saw this we could figure it out here we go hey poutine stop good point hey poutine stop that's good please stop just learned it yeah i think he's talking about poutine hey poutine stop imagine if he just ate a bunch of poutine and shit himself And this is where he's talking about poutine Poutine

Hey poutine stop It's coming out of his anus right now And then he stands up and shits himself It won't stop That's literally what's happening Wow dude Hey poutine Stop

Wow that's funny if you watch that video and think about what I said Wow I'm good. I'm good. Dude, these people, like, I don't know. I went to the coffee bean with Calvin, and it was just so nice, man. You know? I talk a lot of shit, and I let stuff get to me, and then it's so nice to just be a dad and love that boy so fucking much.

Like, just if I'm real with you, like I was at the coffee bean with him and I was with two other friends and they just showed up and it was so cool, man. And he was making friends, waving to people. I thought I was going to have a weird ass pandemic kid that only knew like 11 people because of how, you know, he didn't meet anybody for like two years.

And now it's just, I have this beautiful kid that we love so much. And he's out there just waving at just, you know, nice looking Korean ladies. And it's beautiful, man. And she says, hi, what's your name? And he says, ah, Tao. And she says, how old are you? And he says, two. And, you know, and it's all beautiful. I got him a hot

chocolate and he was saying hot pocket the whole time, hot pocket. And then I said, do you, I said, hi, can I get an iced Americana? Because you know how I do. Can I get, can I get it dry though? And can I also get a hot chocolate for Calvin, for this little boy right here? And the lady said, sure. Do you want a regular temperature or kids temperature? And that was when it was hard for me to fight back tears because I didn't even know there was a kid's temperature. Dude, you kidding me? You're trying to get guys at cat registers to cry?

Dude, you're trying to get a 41 year old grown man to realize that his life has changed just by simply saying kids temperature? That's a beautiful fucking thing. So I got the kids temperature one and I put a straw in it because I know it won't melt even though it's plastic Because it's a kid temperature and so I gave it to my son and he didn't say hot Even though it was warm because it wasn't too hot because he says hot about everything Because it was kids temperature and he started sucking that that shit down and he was drinking it and he was drinking a lot Of it to it and he loved it man. He was going

Hot talked it And then he put it down and he even fucking made friends with the korean lady and he loved it man he was going hmm i talked it and then he put it down and he fucking made friends with the korean lady and it was beautiful man and then he put his hands on a little bit of the fire pit and it was a glass and it was hot and he started crying it was okay dude i held him i held him to the tears right but it was a beautiful moment and then he stopped crying because he realized it really didn't hurt that much it was just the glass that was kind of warm and he was running all around with the little fucking dino light up sneakers i'm so lucky to be that fucking boy's father man i'm just so lucky i couldn't be luckier and

and he had a jacket that was too big on you know you never know what size the fucking kid is now. You get him what you think, and then he fucking ends up swimming in a goddamn jacket. And you're like, okay. You're fucking, it's too big, but I guess I'll just keep it on you until you might grow into it by the time we're done here.

That's the thing about buying clothes for fucking two-year-olds. You're like, oh, for fuck's sake, dude, put it on him now, and then tomorrow you take it off. You put it on now, take it off, and then tomorrow you put it on him, and he's too big for it. We've got too many shoes already.

That's the thing. If you're going to become a parent, be careful what you buy because it's going to be fucking not even, not going to be ready and not going to be able to wear it in two weeks. Here's David Lynch's message to Putin. If I could say something. Let me just say this right now. David Lynch is my favorite living director. Let's start over.

If I could say something to Mr. President Putin, we are, as human beings, charged. I mean, this head of hair that this guy has is unbelievable, dude. He's so good. I love fucking David Lynch's movies. Mulan Drive, forget it. As to how we treat our fellow man. Wow, what a weirdo. And there is a law of nature,

a hard and fast law. There's no loopholes. There's no escaping it and this law is what you sow you shall reap reap what you sow but yeah and right now mr putin you are reaping you are sowing excuse me you are sowing death and destruction do it again and it's all on you the ukrainians didn't attack your country you went in and attacked their country it's basic and all this death and destruction is gonna come back and visit you visit and in this big picture Visit. My advice to you is save yourself. Save the Ukrainians. Save this world. Start getting along with your neighbors.

This is what I want Calvin to say to a bully in the playground. The whole thing. That would be fucking amazing. I got to teach him that and have him do that. We're not going to listen to the rest of it. Honestly, my favorite. Honestly, I think that David Lynch probably did some damage with that speech. But honestly, not even close to

as much as fucking this speech and i'm sorry to fucking say it but this speech bangs a little bit harder right good thing things never work when i want to play them this is the one that bangs a little harder hey pretend stop stop pretend hey Putin stop that one's a little better it bangs harder right reap reap what you sow

you know in this infinite amount of time you have a long time to reap you have a long time to reap to sow I mean

you reap you're sowing right now but you will be reaping you know directs some of the most critically acclaimed and greatest movies of all time and then reap what you saw you can sow you're right now you're excuse me you're sowing and then reap you can reap and the thing about it is you can there's infinite amount of time for you to yes you die but the spirit there is the natural law that is reaping what you sow i you what? I should just make another movie. He's so good. He's so talented.

I love him. He does so much transcendental meditation. It's unbelievable. God, what a cool dude. He's sexy, huh? That guy's sexy. I bet that guy is the fucking, for real, he's got to be so good at the horizontal mambo, for real. Like David Lynch, absolutely.

Either that or he doesn't ever, he never has sex. Just he has like literally hasn't had sex in 40 years by design. Or when he has an orgasm, he goes, uh-oh. And that's it. And it's one hard spurt come

and it feels good for one hard thing. And then that never felt another pump before. You know how fucking when you bust a nut, it goes, it goes like this. And then later on your, your penis will just a little bit like, it's like falling asleep. Just like, but his shit just goes uh-oh and that's it and then gets limp

and then he says and cut get out to the woman get out no he's so nice i bet i guarantee he's so nice he's so fucking nice for real get out i have to make a movie about rabbits you know just a lunatic oh thanks for coming by get out i have to make a movie about rabbits um i have to make a movie about maybe a dream i think uh so that's that i guess you know we had a good one man everyone you know i want be like, everyone should have a kid because my fucking son changed my life and I love him so much. And he centers me, but like, I don't want it to be a selfish thing either. Like, I don't want it to be like, oh shit, my son changed my life because it should be

all about him. Sometimes I do think about that. And I, and I think about like, oh, maybe it's not, you know, it's not about me. It's about him now. So I try to take myself out of it and just be there for him and stuff. Like he wants to watch fucking like that bicycle thing i was talking about like now he wants a bicycle and i just guess i gotta get him a bicycle well guys that was the episode for youtube if you want to catch the rest

of the episode the uncut extended episode go to patreon.com slash chris d'alia and you can go check it out or you can also get the uh and you can if you do sign up for the patreon patreon.com slash chris d'alia you also will get uh one episode one extra episode a month and all of the backlogged extra episodes so i think there's like 13 or 14 by now anyway uh you also get uh behind the scenes footage of with chris and just me in my daily life and then also you have um review mode which is another segment that we do but it's all on my patreon go check it out patreon.com slash chris alia for six bucks and also uh go to chrisalia.com for tickets uh at phoenix i'm coming and um new king and the sting of the wing and the new merch don't push me and the new oops merch i fucking forgot to talk about the oops merch we got oops merch uh that's

the official oops merch it's on chrislea.com get it all figured out all right guys thanks a lot and take care. Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Thank you.