Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 242. Sleepin' and Doinkin'

Episode Date: March 17, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris gets a little personal, sees a father and son enjoying his show, revisits some internet classics, and learns how to deal with relationship conflicts. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of americam express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. What's up, what's up? Phoenix. I'm coming to your city. Phoenix, I will be there. Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix, Arizona. I will be there. Go to crystalia.com for tickets check my tour uh just starting to get out there i'm gonna add some other dates so be uh so stand by but phoenix i'm coming uh pre-sale code was don't push me but you don't need that anymore just go to the general on sale and go to chrislea.com and you can click on the uh the thing where it says tour and then go and see i have another date coming up i just added

another show in irvine so it's all selling out uh go get tickets in phoenix before it sells out uh that will happen and uh also in irvine and i think that's the last show i'm probably going to add because i have a lot of different things coming up. That I need to be there for. Like for instance my. What do you call it? Mom and dad's anniversary. That's going to happen.

They're going to be 50 years married. I can't even believe that. That's unbelievable. Imagine being 50 years anything. 50 years old even. Even 50 years. The fact that the world's older than 50. Is unbelievable to me.

So, yeah, Phoenix, I'll be there. I can't wait. I like that theater. It's in the round. It's going to be fun, man. And also, we've got the Oops merch here. I'm wearing the Oops Grenade one right here, which is available. And then also the other Oops merch that came out, which is killing it with the oops fire explosion cloud, which is fucking awesome.

I like the colors and shit. You know, we came out with this one on the fight companion, which is cool because it's dark and it's cool. And it's the fight companion edition. And we did it first there. But, you know, I like a little bit of color. You know, your boy likes to fucking have a little bit of color doesn't he man why it's probably because he's the same color as off death um and that's fine i'm a bit grayish it's all good um but yeah um you know today i woke up and

i just got to be honest like you know i just felt i don't know what it was, man. I had a dream. You know, you know how I talk about how you have the dreams where my vicious dreams happen when I go to sleep. I go to sleep late at night. I couldn't, I couldn't sleep. I'm just gonna be honest with you guys. A lot of times you start up firing on all syllables. We're not going to do that this time. You're going to get the real raw deal, Chris. That's what you're going to get. Chris Rodelia, rightris that's what you're gonna get chris raw dealia right that's what you're gonna get um so so i did um i couldn't sleep last night because you know chris first of all kristin and i were watching look we were watching a tv show we were chilling we're having a good time watching a tv show then i started watching joe millionaire whatever the fuck it's called on hulu which is you know about two guys that are vying for like 50 women.

And one of the guys is a millionaire and one of the guys isn't. And they, the women don't know which one is the millionaire and which one isn't. And it's fine. And at the end, one of the guys, you know, the, these guys both get paired up with girls and then they have to reveal, Hey, I'm not the millionaire. Do you still want to be with me? And the other, and the girl's like, Oh, I don't know. And the other guy's like, Hey, I'm, am the millionaire. Do you want to be with me? And the and the girl's like oh i don't know and the other guy is like hey i'm m the millionaire do you want to be with me and the girl's like well

fucking of course i do because that means oh i like you but also anyway i get to write a book about this stupid experience and also anyway i get to absolutely fucking now stack racks to the fucking ceiling okay yeah i'm in right like it's always the rich guy that's like you know i don't think money makes me happy and it's like that's because you got Like it's always the rich guy that's like, you know, I don't think money makes me happy. And it's like, that's because you got it. It's because you got it. So I was watching Joe Millionaire and you know, we were talking about it,

watching it and shit. And you know, Kristen sometimes like to pretend like she doesn't like reality shows when in actuality she likes reality shows because she's a female, right? If you're a female, you love reality shows okay i don't make the rules but that's how it is if you're a guy that likes reality shows you like it because you're making fun of it and if you're a girl that likes reality shows you like it because you like

it and even though sometimes you say you're watching it ironically what you're doing is trying to fit in with the boys because we know you secretly like it because you because you're doing is trying to fit in with the boys because we know you secretly like it because you because you're a chick because you smell nice right um so you like watching it if you're a chick that's it i don't make the rules but that's how it is and yeah now did my therapist ask if did my couple service ask if it bothered kristen that i called call women chick sometimes yes she did did kristen say it doesn't bother her yes she did she's on my side but does it secretly bother her i have no idea should i call them women yes but does it matter no is it the lingo that the comedians is yes but i'm only 41 right i'm not even 42 yet gonna be 42 soon but i'm not yet so still he says checks all right um get deeper

issues so it's all good but we're watching joe millionaire and then all of a sudden kristin just decides to say and by decides to she would say guys she would be so pissed off i said she decides to say because she would just be like why don't you just say i say it why are you saying i decided to say it like it's not how i actually feel and she's right yes dude get deeper issues but it's all good because we're chilling in bed and we're having a good time and she says she decides to say and also she says i don't can we turn this in bed and we're having a good time. And she says she decides to say. And also, she says, I don't. Can we turn this off?

It doesn't make me feel good. And I said, what? Why? And she's like, I don't know. It's like sad. These women are like, you know, fighting for attention and they all want this and that. And then the guys and this and that. And I was like, can we just like, you know.

Can we just like what I'm like enjoying watching it, you know, and we're just chilling in the bed and we're up here in the bed because you don't like to watch TV downstairs, do you? Even though it's like the cool hanging out spot, that's the thing about, she loves watching TV in bed and just vegging the fuck out. She'll be like, come on, let's go upstairs and watch TV in the bed. And I'm like, that's not my bag though, right? Bed is for sleeping. Bed is for sleeping and doinking and that's it. Okay. The bed is for sleeping bed is for sleeping and doinking and that's it okay the bed is for sleeping and doinking but mostly sleeping because you do mostly sleeping and you want to doink in the bed you can doink in the bed but you want to bring food in the bed your boy's not about that

life dude she'll eat chips and meatballs in the bed and i'm like dude the bed's for sleeping and doinking okay all, you get it. But downstairs, what's downstairs for? Downstairs, the common area, the chill zone, where the fireplace is, yeah, we've got a fireplace in our bedroom, oh, okay, so soon everybody's got more than one fireplace. And it's all good, but the bedroom is

for sleeping and doinking, and the downstairs area, common room living area, is where you can do so much shit. I mean, you could do eating. You could do fucking sleep. You could do chilling, napping. You could do sleeping. You could do, it's Hanksville.

And guess what you can also do? Doinkin, right? You can pretty much Doink anywhere. And you can pretty much sleep almost anywhere. I've slept at a baseball game before, not even just in a box. I was at a baseball game, like, in regular seats, and I slept. Can't Doink in a baseball game before, not even just in a box. I was at a baseball game like in regular seats and I slept. Don't get a baseball, but you can sleep anywhere if you're really gangster about it. Anyway, so I like to sleep down. I like to watch TV downstairs and party, dude. I like to

eat and I like to watch TV because I like to have two stimulations at once, right? Like one stimulation is eating and another stimulation is watching whatever the fuck I want to watch, right? Fear Thy Neighbor or Joe Millionaire or Boardwalk Empire or a documentary, right? That's what I do. So she's like, let's watch it upstairs. So okay, I acquiesce.

Even though it's just 11 o'clock and your boy likes to stay up till way, way late, I acquiesce because I want to hang out and it's fun to be with more people rather than less people. So I'm watching Joe Millionaire and all of a sudden she hits me with, can you turn it off? It makes me feel bad. So now what do I feel? Slided. So now what do I feel? Slided. Okay. But that's what I feel. But should I or should I not? I don't know, but that's what I feel, but should I or should I not, I don't know, but that's how I feel, and I've come to this podcast to be honest with the public here,

okay, so what does it make me feel slighted, all right, now is that on me or is it not on me, I don't know, it's probably on me that I didn't say, well, you know what, I came up here and I didn't want to and I wanted to hang out with you, but it makes me feel slighted because I want to watch the TV show and you're kind of just mostly tick-tocking on your phone and I didn't want to, and I wanted to hang out with you, but it makes me feel slighted because I want to watch the TV show. And you're kind of just mostly tick-tocking on your phone. And I don't get to now watch what I want to watch. And I want to be downstairs because she says, well, why don't you just go downstairs and watch it? And I said, because I want to be up here. And then she says, well, I don't like watching this. And I said, okay, but I want to watch it and it makes me happy. So do you actually want me to not watch it? And she said,

yeah, just go downstairs. And I said, all right right and i turned it off and now the tv is not on and now i'm not ready to go sleep and i'm fucking my eyes are wide as shit open so now i'm not no now i'm i come here to be honest with you guys and i come here to talk about it and maybe just be good and and you know and chill out but this is the real shit that's going on in my mind right yeah your boy's got props but your boy's trying to fucking right look at a situation and be open about it so she says yeah i really don't want you to watch that show it makes me feel bad and i said oopsie daisy i said suck it up whoops oh he said. Didn't he? I said, can't you just suck it up? Oops. Oh God. Was it the right thing to say or the wrong thing to say? No whammies, no whammies, no whammies,

no whammies. Was, can't you just suck it up the right thing or the wrong thing to say? No whammies, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies. Can't you just suck it up the right thing or the wrong thing to say? No, M is no, M is no, M is no, M is no, M is. He says, just go downstairs. And I said, but I don't want to. That's what you can do. You know that if you ever get into a real heart now, Kristen and I barely argue. But if you ever get into a real argument with you, with your girl or your guy or whoever it is, and they say, go sleep downstairs, go sleep on the couch. Dude, you could just say no.

Did you know that? I didn't really realize that until I did it once. And then guess what we did? We just both fell asleep and woke up dandy as shit, dude. He cracked the code. If your chick tells you to sleep on the couch, you just hit her with a no. Because the couch is for eating and Hanksville and doinking, but not really sleeping. But the bed is. And the bed is for sleeping and Hanksville and doinking but not really sleeping but the bed is and the bed is for sleeping

and doinking and so now we're either sleeping or doinking and I'll tell you which one we're not doing. Doinking. So I didn't go downstairs and we huffed and puffed and whatever. You know, we did that kind of shit and she turned over and she was still tick tocking and I go like this.

Alright, well I'll just go to sleep.'t fall asleep for hours fuck you could he fall asleep for hours no he couldn't oh god it affected him more than it would have three years ago because he was selfish and now he's opening up doors to his emotions oh god so i'm sitting there can't fall asleep my legs are activated, right? I mean, you know, maybe it's because I ate some fucking coffee ice cream, but my legs were activated. You know I suffer with RLS, and that's not even counting all the other stuff. OCD, anxiety, PTSD, fucking, right? Darkness.

Suffer from darkness. I do. He suffers from depression. What can he say? He suffers from darkness. I do. He suffers from depression. What can he say? He suffers from darkness. But he tries to rise like a phoenix. And that's why I'm at Phoenix in April 30th. That's the first date I'm doing at a town phoenix, crystalia.com.

But my point is, what was my point? I have fucking absolutely no idea. I have no idea. And that's just the way it's going to be. But so we watched Joe Millionaire, and I fucking, I don't even remember what the whole goddamn point was. Yes, dude! Fuck yeah, I actually had a grand point.

Fuck yeah, and I don't even remember it. But it doesn't matter, dude. So that's what we were doing. We were watching the fucking thing, and it all got fucked up. You're with me. You're with me. You're with me, dude.'t i don't know this isn't an act this isn't stand up and shit i gotta figure my shit out why do sometimes you get so angry though dude right like sometimes i just get so angry and shit i gotta just calm down man you know i was on a podcast. My last podcast, I talked about my friend getting mad about taking pictures of a dog in the diner, which was a fucking funny story. And I was joking around how about he's autistic.

I want to be clear. He was an autistic. He's not autistic. If he was autistic, I would. It's cool. I understand it's a thing, but he's not. He's just instead just a guy who takes pictures of dogs at a diner, which is weird as shit. Um, so yeah, but yeah, I woke up.

So, so, oh, so I woke up. This was my whole point. So I woke up. So, oh, so I, so I spiraled last night. So I was in my bed, couldn't fall asleep. Uh, you know, decided to just kind of like, know i was texting friends we were joking around but then i'm like my phone keeps me up dude i mean you know kristin says her phone makes her go to sleep when she's just on tiktok or doing fucking uh what do you call it uh crosswords sometimes

he does like crossword puzzles and she says it puts her to sleep or she listens to fucking podcasts dude and one of the reasons why it kept me up is because she listens to murder podcasts which is okay and i like because sometimes i get it that's the thing sometimes there's too much on my mind if i could focus on one thing like i put on keith morrison on dateline and it's just like there she was there she was lisa she was nice person, but what she didn't know was she's about to get a rude awakening. Ah, dateline, right? So, it had to be weird,

standing there alone, not knowing where the blood came from. But there was another person. Ah. There was another person lurking in the shadows. Ah. You ever watch that podcast or listen to it? So anyway,

so now I'm up and her phone's on and I don't, you know, she's got her phone and the podcast is playing the podcast. And then after that, after that dateline, I don't know what the fuck her playlist is, but it goes right to Keith Moore. I like kind of like dip out of thinking about it for a while because my brain is focused on too many things. I'm starting to listen to the Dateline, okay, but then my brain starts focusing on other things. And when I'm really only focused on the Dateline episode, I can start to fall asleep. But then I'm focusing and start to focus on other things because I realize, oh, man, I'm almost falling asleep. And I get excited. Then my legs get activated, right?

I mean, it's all nutso shit. But then what happened is almost threw up in my mouth is it goes. And I realized Keith Morrison is still talking and he's referencing so many fucking Christmas shits. Like he's talking about Santa and like, he's talking about the North pole. And I'm like, where the fuck was this person murdered, dude? Like did penguins fucking, you know what I mean? It was this murder. Was this murder by a fucking elf

like and there his hat i know the only thing that was left were two slippers that pointed upwards and a small green hat and i'm just like what the fuck and then i realize it's the story of the grinch and i'm like am i sleeping what What am I doing? Is this a dream I'm having? And then I really listen, and dude, they hired Keith Morrison to tell a Christmas story, to tell how the Grinch stole Christmas, and now this is what's fucking being played on our podcast, and she's, I mean, just so far under her conscience. I mean, she is just like, she's like so far sleeping that she's in the van with Leonardo DiCaprio falling into the fucking ocean. With fucking

Kent Watanabe and fucking, what's his name? What's his name? The fucking guy who's Bane? Kent Watanabe and fucking Bane and Leonardo DiCaprio and Kristen just like this. Because The Grinch Stole Christmas is being narrated by Keith Overlander or whatever the fuck his name is keith morrison and he's she's just fallen and i'm awake

now i'm listening to the grinch is on the other side i can't fucking turn the thing off so now i gotta listen to the grinch and now now i'm like all right well i'm up but it's 3 a.m but i'm like okay i'm up but i can't fall asleep but i'm wide my eyes are so my my eyes become enlarged. And so I can't fall asleep. And then I just start thinking about like finances. And I'm just like, shit, man. Shit's banging now. And I'm, you know, I'm making money and I'm doing my thing.

And I'm, yeah, I'm selling out rooms and shit. And like I have podcasts and all that and extra paper scoop that up and all that's good but it's like dude what happens when you're 65 that's what i start thinking you know i get retirement and all that shit and you're not spending as much but also what happens when you're 70 and 75 and then i'm like i'll be fine but then i'm like well how many kids am i gonna have and then i'm like well i want them to be fine and then i just start going into this crazy fucking tailspin. And I get nervous.

And then I fucking had to, dude, I haven't done this in a long time. But he got out to paddle and canoe, dude. And he took a trip to Zanny Island. And I'm sorry, dude. Mama, I'm so sorry. But he went to fucking Zanny. He went to Zanny Island. But mama, I'm so sorry, dude. But he took.5.

And even though it was in fucking Kristen's purse, even though it was just in Kristen's purse and I could have went in and got it in Kristen's purse. I did. I went in and got it in Kristen's purse. And then I realized that, oh my God, I forgot that we were out the other night and she spilled wine all in her purse

and the wine got into the Xanax. And then I took the Xanax with the wine all over it. It was in the Xanax bottle. And I took it in the Xanax, tasted chocolate, but it also, it tasted chalky, but it also tastes like the fucking wine, and so now I'm like, is it okay I don't drink, they say don't mix drink and drugs, and, but now I'm fucking taking the Xanax with the soak, the wine soak Xanax, and so now I'm like, is that gonna be okay for me, really, and now I'm spiraling again. And I'm so fucking nervous. But guess what happened, dude? The Xanax took effect.

So. The.5 came through and your boy went to fucking Never Neverland. Story was a mess, but now you know how it is so i woke up feeling bad is my whole point which is why i started talking about this podcast and i will tell you i had no idea what i was going to talk about in this podcast before i started i have about four things to talk about and i didn't even hit one yet but i'm telling you that i woke up and i just had oh the dream was what i was going to tell you about jesus christ he goes off. Jesus Christ, he goes off on tangents. Johnny goes off on tangents.

And that's fine, though, because you're with me. It's a roller coaster, just like life. So I woke up at 7. All good, my babies. Stayed up for about a half an hour. That's what we do it. That's how we do it. Went back to sleep.

And what happens when your boy goes back to sleep after he wakes up? Does anybody know? Class? Yes. Hi, Mr when your boy goes back to sleep after he wakes up? Does anybody know class? Yes. Hi, Mr. D'Elia. Yes. Hello, you. Hi, you have terrible dreams about dying or people beating you up or people raping you or something like that. Ha ha ha ha.

You get a gold star. You've been listening. Congratulations, you get an A+. Do sometimes you have dreams about people forcing watermelons in your mouth? A+, Johnny. And does it hurt real bad? And do you think about, oh, how are you going to fucking swallow this and maybe you might choke to death? And instead of that, your chest explodes? A+, Johnny. That's when I have those horrible dreams from 8.30 to 9.30 so I did

I had a fucking dream where I had to go paintballing and I was in the lobby and instead I fucking met a gang of white dudes and they beat the shit out of me and they kept doing it and I kept saying

but I need to be with Calvin and I need to be with Calvin and they kept kicking the shit out of me and I was like but I need to be with Calvin and I need to be with Calvin. And they kept kicking the shit out of me. And I was like, but I need to be with Calvin. I'm Calvin's dad. And then I woke up and it was just so bad. It actually felt so bad.

I woke up and I went down to go hug Calvin and he was playing in the water, that little tub that I, I put water in sometimes. And Kristen was playing in the water, that little tub that I put water in sometimes. And Kristen was down there. And I looked at him. And he said, hi, Dada. And I was like, hi, buddy. And then he came over and he gave me a hug. And then I sat down.

And then Kristen's like, what's wrong? And I was like, I had horrible dreams. She's like, oh, I'm sorry. And I haven't been able to shake it all day. I don't know. I mean, it's just a paintball gang. I get it. But it's like it made me feel like fucking oh, I'm sorry. And I haven't been able to shake it all day. I don't know. I mean, it's just a paintball gang. I get it. But it's like it made me feel like fucking shit, dude.

People were like kicking me when I was down. They were like kicking my chest and in my stomach and stuff. And I know I got that because we were trying to watch fucking Fear Thy Neighbor before Joe Millionaire. And a woman said that the guy was kicking her while he was down. And so now I had a dream about that. So it's great. Cool. Great.

Violence is everywhere where's hawkeye when you need him but um so yeah so it's been a struggle today honestly i've been in a really fucking weird dark place and i don't even know why you know it's not because of the dream something else is going on i have therapy uh tomorrow i reached out to my group and told them about everything i i you know i have bad ptsd i think that that's the root of it because sometimes i wake up and my heart is beating out of my chest because i'm just so scared about the future um and it never used to be like that up until just so much shit went down in my life but we fight through it you know we fight through it. You know?

We fight through it. Because you have to. You either die or you don't. That's really what it is. So let's not die. Another day of not dying. In other news, I was at the fucking coffee bean two days ago, and I became friends with a guy who takes his shirt off in the parking lot and drives a fucking Ferrari Spyder.

So. Pack up. Let's pack up. We figured it out. Let's pack up, guys. Let me put this here. Let's get the Altoids. Put them in the thing. Let's pack up Let's pack up We figured it out Let's pack up guys Let's get the altos Let's pack up guys Let's get all the paperwork done

Good So yeah dude dude Sometimes I wake up and my heart's beating out of my chest Because I had dreams of fucking people beating the shit out of me And I couldn't get home to Calvin But you know on other days I make friends with a guy in a parking lot who has no shirt on that drives a fucking Ferrari.

That's how the coffee means. Pack this up. Figure it out. Figure out some life stuff. Pack that up. Some days you win and some days you lose, dude. Right? It's like that old saying. Some days you fucking wake up with people beating the shit out of you in your dream

and you can't get rid of your PTSD. And sometimes you wake up and make friends with a guy with his shirt off at the coffee bean parking lot and you go in and get a nice Americano dry and they get the order right and you come back out and you realize that that guy drives a Ferrari that's fucking matte gray. It's all good. Let me figure this out. Let me get this out. Let me get this going.

Cool. Great. Figured out life. Good. I mean, what do you want from me, dude? This is life. We talk about the fucking hard-hitting issues here. I mean, for fuck's sake, dude.

Dude. It's what life's like, dude. Dude. That's what life's like, man. And he's Latino. He has an accent. Let's pack up, guys. Ready to go. We figured life out. What do you want from me?

You know what I mean? So yeah, man. He fucking, I don't know his name. Oh no, his name's Chris. That's right, dude. Is he me? You know what? Sometimes I see this guy. i haven't made friends with him until recently because he's got a ferrari and i drive up and i had my fucking guts mobile out and he was like you like this and i was like here we go we're gonna be friends this is this is so somebody i would be friends with bro ever since i was young my mom would say chris why are i can't be friends with

your friend's parents and i would be like why and she she would say none of them none of them speak english and i'm like well i like idus mattis what do you fucking want from me i like nikolai what do you want from me what do you want from me nikolai doesn't judge me like brad you know i'm talking about um oh man at one time nikolai and his dad we were in the fucking pick and save parking lot and we and i said oh my look there's my friend nikolai we had just moved to la i was like there's my friend nikolai he was in this back seat and he waved and we waved. And then the fucking Nikolai's dad goes like this, you know, like kind of wave.

Because Russian people, they don't fucking, they don't smile, dude. They just don't smile. They just don't. It's not in their culture for real. Just real talk. I know Russia's at war right now, but real talk, Russians don't smile

because when, if they smile, it's like they, they look at it as being disingenuine and like you want something from them. And that's the God's honest truth. You know me, right? Right hand, right hand of God. But they go, you smile at a Russian and they're like, what do you want from me? You piece of shit, right? Did you just get a blow job or something? No. Oh, well, why are you smiling for you did you just excuse me real quick did you just eat cotton candy my friend no then why are you smiling oh it's nice to meet you you're trying to take something from me look down i want you to notice something and you look and there's just a

knife coming out of your chest i don't trust you you die now did you do this not saying um so so Not saying So My friend Nikolai waved And bro it was so funny And Nikolai's dad kept driving and then we Stopped a little bit we were like unsure if we were going to stop Or not to say hi and Nikolai's dad kept driving And then my mom said look he's driving Into the yellow pole Dude and he was

My mom was laughing dude My mom said look he's driving into the yellow pole she starts laughing i start laughing too and we drove away dude we're bad people we're bad people dude but they didn't you know it was fine it wasn't even like a fender bender he had to like stop short but it was fucking funny as shit dude god damn it dude nicolai and his dad drove into a pole a little bit um so yeah so i became friends with a fucking Latino with his shirt off. I have a feeling he's like a big singer or something. I don't know why.

Dude, he's always out of the coffee bean with his fucking, with his shirt off. And I always joke around about, because he's got a Ferrari and he stands outside of the Ferrari and he FaceTimes everybody. And he FaceTimes everybody on his phone. His name's Chris. But he, and I always like, I do it. I send it to my assistant and also Kristen, and I send a picture to him. I said, look, this was me if I never got canceled.

And they go, dude, that's so, you think I won't? Bro, you guys just got me. You understand? Oh, you guys just got me. You understand? Oh, you guys just got me. You understand? Dude, I was about to be the jaw rule of comedy. You understand that, right?

I was about to be Mr. Shirts Off. Jacked it. Oh, fucking Bert Kreischer. No, I see the belly. I raise you abs. Oh, I see the belly. I raise you the Rocky Mountains under my head, dude. A fucking ninja turtle.

Just fuck the liver king. Liver king, but tall. But dude, I was about to be the jaw rule of comedy, and you just got me. Oh, it just got me. It just got me. Remember that viral video where the sword hits his face? Oh, it just got me. It just got me. Let's look it up foot? Oh, it just got me. It just got me.

Let's look it up. Oh, yep, it got me. Samurai sword fail, right? Dude, yep, it just got me. Dude, that one, samurai sword. I love you guys, man, just listening, having a good time, right? Samurai sword, whoops. I got to write fail. It just got me.

Here we go. QVC. Right there it is. Samurai Sword. Screw up on shop at home. 11-01-18-16 is the item number on this one. Look at this. And the nice thing about these practice katanas.

Oh, that hurt. Oh, that hurt big time. Yeah. Well, you stabbed you. A piece of that tip just got me, that hurt. Oh, that hurt big time. Yeah, well, you stabbed him. A piece of that tip just got me, Odell. So casual about it, dude. Like, knows he is in deep shit. Yep, a piece of that just got me, Odell.

Yep, just so... Hey, scream loud and shit a little bit. You stabbed yourself with a samurai sword dude oh that got me good you all right a piece of that tip just got me oh right now we uh look at odell may need emergency surgery in the studio. Unbelievable, dude. Oh, wow, look, the next one is my favorite. I've already done this on the podcast.

It's a very easy situation to operate. You just push the buttons in right here on the two sides, the two little buttons. You have to understand, before chocolate croissants, this one was in my top, This might have been my number one. This was either my number one viral video that I thought was fucking the funniest up until the chocolate croissants one. Up until chocolate croissants. This one was the number one.

Or it could have been the tech TV blooper fail where the guy's holding it and it just explodes in his fucking hand. I mean, one of these two. Let's watch this again and then I'll get back to the story. Push the button and that releases it. And then after you let go, it locks. Now it's locked in place. So two. Let's watch this again, and then I'll get back to the story. Push the button, and that releases it. And then after you let go, it locks. Look, now it's locked in place. So really, you're all set. And this is tough.

Oh, yeah? Listen, I'll give you an example. What is she wearing a fucking... Look, here we go. So you have to get up on the wall, high ceiling vault. Hey, listen, just walk right up. Dude, we always say that, me and my brother. Hey, listen, just walk right up. Dude, the fucking ladder.

Why would you want a ladder to be a bridge too dude ladders are fine ladders go up and that's it why would you want to walk across the fucking shit this is the dumbest invent this is why it's so fucking funny hey listen just walk right up yeah but then you stop and have to go across like you're a goddamn monkey dude it's very safe it's durable and it's like carrying me oh really now it's locked in place was so scared but then overcame that scaredness with confidence and that's why i love this guy see now it's locked in place okay so really you think oh god harold are you okay actually i didn't have it locked yeah no. No shit, Harold.

Oh, my God. That one was the winner up until the fucking chocolate croissants. I'm not going to look at chocolate croissants again. If you haven't seen that episode, just Google Chris Lee at chocolate croissants. It's the fucking funniest clip I've ever seen on the internet, dude. And honestly, I get it. A lot of people are like, this isn't funny. But to me me that is my

motherfucking goddamn humor dude it is so funny and i break it down for you guys so you know why i think it's funny but anyway so now i'm friends with a latino it takes his shirt off all because of that but um so i so i go there i go to the coffee bean and i i um i get my Iced Americano. You know how I do it, right? And when I go to get my Iced Americano, I see this guy. He's always got his shirt off and he's FaceTiming whoever it is. I don't know. He might be on live talking to fans. For some reason, I think he's a singer, a Latino singer, because he's really good looking. Am I racist?

I don't know. But he's got a Ferrari and he obviously does something pretty high profile. Okay, maybe he's not a singer. Maybe he just invests. I have no idea. But is it racist that I think he's a Latino singer? Yeah, invests i have no idea but is it racist i think he's a latino singer yeah probably but whatever what are you gonna do cancel me so um so he's got the ferrari and then i brought up the guy i came through with the bloody guts mobile and he's like you like that and i'm like here we go we're gonna be friends

i know it just i attract these motherfuckers dude i really do so so i look at the i go oh yeah i check the insides dude and i check the insides and he goes like this oh wow look at that because why because it's bleeding all over the place he says let me get some towels i chill chill chill it doesn't even come you know it's all good it's just part of it and uh he was like yeah i really like it i really like it he's like i've been thinking about getting one of these i was like like, oh man, it's so good, you need it, because he's like, because I got this car, and that car, and this car, and that car, and I'm like, oh, he's got lots of cars, but none of them are comfy, you're driving a Rari, and you're driving some other things that aren't that comfy, and he's like, I might get a Bentley, I was like, dude, dude, dude, dude, you're talking to

the fucking right and wrong guy, if you want a fucking SUV, you got to get the fucking RS Q8, that's what you got to get okay because he was talking about getting the fucking cullinan i'm not into the cullinan i get that it's nice but no no no no no no no it's fucking too much money for all that shit so uh so i say to him all right bro We wrap a little bit, talk a little bit. And we say, hey, bro, good to see you. Good to meet you. I'm Chris, too.

And then we take a fucking high five. And by the way, the whole time he's on a FaceTime call, but just holding it, not even talking to the guy, which is just like the most famous thing you could possibly do is be on a FaceTime but not be talking to the person and having a full-on conversation with someone else. So he goes like this. And we hug. And that's when the absolute, I should have known this. I mean, how many times a day do you go, of course? If it's one, this was the time that I would have used it. We hug. Boom.

Boom. Poof. Drakkar Noir. Should have known that Drakkar Noir was going to fucking tickle under my nose like pizza in a Donald Duck movie. Right? That fucking waft of

pizza like a Daffy Duck. You know what I mean? Like that smoke, that smoky thing. But I was more like this because I don't like Drakkar Noir. I don't like cologne. In fact, there's no cologne. There's only perfume. So I don't like Dracar Noir. I don't like cologne. In fact, there's no cologne. There's only perfume.

So I didn't want to tell this guy because I just met him. Hey, guy, there's only perfume just so you know you're not wearing cologne. But now I drive home and it's got it all like it's all on me and I'm smelling the Dracar Noir. And then I get home and I'm like it's also I'm wearing a new sweater. I just put it on for the first time. And so now I'm like, all right, I got to wash it, which is fine, but it's going to take a little bit of the fabric away, the softness of it.

Right. But it's okay though, dude. So I get home and I'm like, oh man, smell this. And my assistant's like, oh wow. And then I say, smell this to Kristen. And she's like, I don't smell anything. And I'm like, okay, all right, fine. That's fine, dude.

I'm going to go watch Joe Millionaire. So now I have a friend. Every time I go to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, I saw him again. Yet today, he was there. All good, dude. But yeah, so you know what? This podcast is making me feel better. You guys are good.

Thank you for being there for me. I mean it. I mean honestly. Honestly. I did some shows this week. I did one at the Laugh or two or three at the Laugh Factory and then one at Improv on Melrose. One or two at the Improv on Melrose. I think I did two.

And then I did one at Jam in the Van, which is a cool spot in Culver City. I think I said it was Century City, but it's Culver City. And it was fun. It was a great room. And I didn't know this happened, but I got on stage and somebody says, do the drunk girl bit. And I'm like, how? Like, do you? Can you?

Like, this was fucking 12 years ago i did this bit more even and um so i said oh you guys shut the fuck up like real quick and then everyone laughed and then and then in the front row uh a woman fell in the front row like i guess trying to get out of her seat and i kind of ignored it because i was like i was in the middle of my act and I'm talking about shit. And then I was like, okay, I'll ignore that. And then after I get off stage, my friends come up to me, and they're like, did you see that woman pass out during your show? And I was like, no, she actually didn't pass out.

I said, she just kind of fell. I think she was trying to leave the seat. And they were like, no, no, no, no, no. In the back, somebody was just watching you and then fucking passed out out of their seat and i was like what and they were like yeah you didn't see it and i was like no somebody fucking passed out and they were like yeah you just kept going i guess it's good they're like it's good you kept going and you didn't see it because it would have ruined your act and you would have talked about it and you would have had to get back on track. And I was like, this really happened?

And then apparently they put her back up in a seat and tried to make sure she was okay. I had no idea the shit went down. It's not even that big of a room. And then they were like, yeah, we thought that if you kept on going, it was going to be another Travis Scott incident. And I was like, that's exactly my point. When I was talking about the Travis Scott thing, when everyone online fucking lit me up after I talked about it, dude, there was like 150 people in the room.

I had no idea a chick fucking passed out in the back. And everyone's mad because fucking in a sea of 50,000 people at a Travis Scott concert that they think it's his fault that he didn't stop the show because somebody ate a Molly. Like how the fuck is he supposed to know? I had no idea that this fucking person passed out. But it's a great venue. And I was like, Jesus, is she okay?

I had no fucking idea. And apparently she's probably okay, though. They didn't make much of a big deal about it. But anyway, dude, I did it. It was a fun venue. I like doing Jam in the Van. like doing um jam in the van thank you jam in the van and uh you know laugh factory and improv you guys are fucking great i've got another show in irvine improv coming up whatever he's starting to do theaters i got other fucking

dates coming up so be ready different cities um but she fucking passed out i couldn't believe it i was at the laugh Factory actually the other night, and when I was doing my Laugh Factory show, I noticed in the front row. So Calvin loves this tub thing that I fill with water, and he takes the cup, and he takes the cup, and he puts,

and he just basically takes the cup, fills it with water, and then empties it back out. He does it 400 times. I'm sitting there, and I'm watching him. And sometimes, if you have kids or whatever, even if you don't, maybe you do this with other people, but when you have kids, you can be with your kids, and it's always great. But sometimes, at least if you're a sentimental person, or if you try to live in the moment i guess i don't know whatever you want to call it there's a bunch of hokey ways to fucking say it but you know calvin has really opened me up in the emotional like i said i was talking to my therapist once and she was like well you you used to live with your walls up and you used to keep people at arm's length. And I absolutely did. I absolutely did that. And then over the past two years,

I've really been opened up. And she said, well, you're not going to be able to do that anymore because you got to just, you got to grow. And we were talking about Calvin and she said, you know how you like to have your emotional walls up all the time? I said, yeah. She says, well, you're fucked with Calvin because they're going to come down anyway, because she knows who I am and how I am. And I was like like you're right and i i started to cry when she said that which you know okay we're both doing our job her as a therapist and me as a patient person so um patient slash person not a patient person i am not a patient person i want this shit right now but anyway so i'm sitting there and i'm watching Calvin pick up the cup and fill it with water and putting the water back into the tub.

And every time he does, he says, I got the cup. I got the cup. I got the cup. And he's doing this. And it's not just like I'm hanging out. And he's doing this, and it's not just like I'm hanging out. It's like my walls are down, and I'm actually living in this moment, taking it in, but not trying to take it in. I just allow myself to take it in.

I relax. I'm just looking at him, and I'm thinking about how great this moment is and how beautiful it is that he just simply has got this cup. And he's telling me 400 times and he's saying, I got the cup, Dada. And every single time I'm saying, yeah, you got the cup. I'm saying it back. And it's a beautiful moment. It's all that I need, honestly, at this point. It's all that I need.

All right. I get it. You need electricity and money and food, but at this single moment right now, this moment, this connection with my son is all I need. And it's basic as shit. And I love it. And I'm emotional about it. And we sit there and we do it a lot until he gets bored. Usually we do this shit until I get bored, but I, you know, cause that's what it's like being a parent. You're like, okay, good. Yeah, good, good buddy. But I just, he had the cup 400 times and I told him, yeah, you got the cup 400 times.

So that moment ends and I go about my day and it makes me feel good. You know, the day happens ups and downs in a day and I just keep doing the rest of my day, and then I have a show at the Laugh Factory. And when I'm on stage, I notice in the front row there's a father-son. And, of course, it's not father-son like me and my son. My son's two, and I'm 41. They're at a comedy club, so the son's at least 18. He was probably in his early 20s. And the dad was late 50s or so.

And I'm looking at them and I get this feeling of when I first started stand-up. When I first started stand-up and I thought, I don't know if people are going to like me. Or if I had a bomb. or if I was on stage and struggling and some people weren't laughing, I would think it's okay because my family and my parents, my father, my mother, they think I'm funny, and they know me, and I can get through this rough show because they have my back. I would actively think that and it would make me feel better

and I would feel confident and I'm fortunate that I had a great childhood, that I'm who I am now and can access that because i've been watching a lot of videos on youtube now called it's from the soft white underbelly which is unbelievable and they talk to people who were like abused and um uh taken advantage of and and prostitutes and just people who are con and hackers and people who have messed up lives, Ku Klux Klan members, people who have been in prison for 10 years. And every one of these people have the same story. When I grew up, my dad or my mom wasn't there.

So I'm fortunate. I'm very fortunate. I am in this position that I had a good childhood and I'm on stage talking to these people. And not everyone's going to think I'm funny. But when a crowd didn't think I was funny, I would think, yeah, dude, but I always made my dad and mom laugh. I would actively think that. And this father's son reminded me gently of but instead of really feeling that emotion is purely as I used to when I was on stage, I thought of, you know, I always identified with the sun, but instead during this moment, I thought, wow, and I'm on stage and I'm doing my jokes, but I'm also thinking this is so cool that this father is able to share this moment with his son.

So I wasn't thinking about really being my dad's son and going to this show in the front row. I was thinking about being me, Calvin's father, and taking Calvin to a show one day. So everything had been different. It was a bit the same because it was family, but it was like I grew into the other role, which is what you hope to do in your In your life. Is grow. So. I'm thinking wow. And I'm noticing some people in the audience. Are not laughing. It was a good set. I was having a good show.

But there's always people who are just not laughing. Whether or not they think you're funny. Maybe they had a bad day. Or maybe they just don't like you. Maybe they're just in a bad mood. And they don't want to laugh. Maybe they're just in a bad mood and they don't want to laugh and they're not laughing at anybody. Or maybe they laugh on the inside. But instead of thinking, my dad and my mom have my back, I thought I need to get through these moments of not making these people laugh in a symbolic way, these moments of things that are way worse than that, hardships even.

Everyone goes through shit, and even during those hardships, I would be like, my parents got me. I'm fortunate to have them, and they've given me and instilled me the confidence to get through these moments. Now I'm thinking, looking at this father-son, I can get through these moments as little or as big as they might be. Not because Calvin has my back, but because I have to have Calvin's back. my back, but because I have to have Calvin's back. I am Calvin's dad and I have to get through these moments for him as little or as big as these moments are. And it's so interesting too, because I thought about it after I get off stage i thought about how

wow i didn't actually think about calvin having my back and that made me happy because i think that honestly five years ago if i did have a kid living the way i was living all for me selfishly you know and just stacking money you know trying to sleep with women whatever it was i think that i would have thought calvin has my back and i'm lucky but instead of that i didn't have that thought i thought i have to have calvin's back and that to me made me feel the best because it was like this moment where it was like, oh shit, man, all this therapy may be working because

it's not about me. And I know it's not about me anymore. You know, I don't know. It was a long winded story, what I just told, but it was such a, I'll never forget that moment, man. It's like, sure, Calvin can have that cup, but I have Calvin's back.

Yeah, that was a wild thing for me to realize and just come to during being on stage. It's so funny comedians think of um all this short sort of you're on stage and you think of the craziest shit you're on stage and you're like whether you're like oh yeah you know i mean i had this whole fucking fantasy about this father son and i was on stage talking to everything and uh talking about doing my act my act that i do all the time and doing, trying some new shit or doing the shit that works.

And, you know, sometimes you're on stage and you're like, oh, it's so hot. Oh yeah. I remember that one time it was so hot when I was fucking growing up in the fucking,

I mean, you just think about this shit. Like, remember the one time I was at the fucking beach and this and that, you just think about all sorts of shit. You're trying to be on autopilot, but that's what happens.

So I had that whole fantasy during my, during my shit. So, you know, some shows you go and you see, and you have beautiful moments with, uh, fathers and sons and some moments, some shows you go, you have, and you're, uh, and a chick passes out of the back row and you don't even realize it. Um, but yeah, anyway, this show soft white underbelly is fucking crazy.

You got to check it out. It's so good. Um, how about this fucking, I i i guess blm jumped the shark dude and you know i can say that now because who gives people i put on my instagram story it's like hilarious but they put fucking they put fucking uh uh jussie smul smulier he's so he's got he's got um what do you call it 150 days in prison or whatever for making fun for making fun for pretending like he got mugged uh and and uh where is it blm los angeles is that what it is no yeah here it is um so he got now look whether or

not you think that he should have got jail time for it i personally think that you know 150 days that that sucks that you have to be in jail that long but dude you wasted taxpayers i don't know how much this fucking cost it's it's illegal you it should be illegal to say that something happened like that that's a crime that actually didn't happen especially if you set it up like that like he's a real motherfucker for doing that uh he's saying he didn't do it i guess it would be different if he was like i fucked up or whatever but we all know about this but black lives matter posted we believe, first of all, it says free Jussie Smollett. We believe that Jussie is innocent.

And you don't have to believe in his innocence to believe he should be free. Okay, fine. That is a different argument, which I disagree with, period. Anyway, but also you believe he's innocent? Huh? You think that this is an injustice against race? Dude, there's fucking, like, evidence that he set it up. It's on camera.

Right? Like, what are you doing? You jumped the shark. That's it. So now what? So now I i gotta fucking support blm when you're saying free jesse smollett and acting like that's the thing dude you can't movements they fucking eat themselves dude dude here i am wanting to support you i can't fucking support that dumb shit and i'm fucking dude don't push me, man. You understand?

I'm a centrist. You don't want me, oh, two right wings. I'm trying to remain level-headed, and here BLM is, oh, Jussie's innocent. Nobody thinks he's innocent. You know why why he did it i just like it's like and then they think that fucking other motherfuckers and not they i don't mean they blm just people think other motherfuckers they never get convicted or even there's not even a case and they're like oh he did it period fuck him like uh uh fucking what's his name god damn it what's his fucking name never know game names and i'm not even fucking with uh uh gabba penton army hammer that's his fucking name

so he it's like i mean nobody will work with jesse anymore though right i have no fucking idea but my point is look comments on this post have been limited. Even Michael Rapaport wrote, ha, ha, ha, and he's liberal as shit. It's just so crazy, dude. It's so crazy. I guess Armie Hammer was in a movie, though, right? He was in a movie that came out that tanked. That's the other thing, too, dude.

You know that movie's going to bomb. hollywood make these fucking movies you know they're gonna bomb the one with wonder woman in it and fucking uh you just see it it's like midnight train to tokyo or whatever the fuck it's called i don't know that's what it should be called judging on what the fucking thing looks like but um it's just so it's like it's so crazy dude these movements jumped the shark they just jump the shark you see this shit you look at the fucking aziz ansari thing and it's like oh oh really dude it was a bad date and everything fucking jumped it's like okay so these movements they get this people fucking power is intoxicating dude it's intoxicating dude control it's intoxicating dude it is just so weird man it's such a weird fucking thing

but it ruins shit like blm is gonna stand for jussie smulett what's his fucking name jussie smollett um and and like now it's like what about the actual racism in the world what about people who do fucking fuck people up like, what about the actual racism in the world? What about people who do fucking fuck people up? What about, what about this shit? That's why you can't trust a fucking movement, man. Fuck these hashtags for real. I don't know.

You mad at me for saying this? What I, whatever. It's what I think. I love you anyway. I also fucking feel, you know, who knows why he did this shit, Jussie. Maybe his fucking brain is broken. Who knows?

It's sad. It's all sad. It's all sad. It's all fucking sad. I like how Elon uh, what do you call it, oh wait, let's, actually, this goes with it, Elon, well, no, Elon challenged Putin to a fight for Ukraine, like, like it's fucking over the top the movie like dude you know i i don't i just it's like these motherfuckers that they they're just doing shit to stay relevant you don't have to elon elon you don't have to this is the thing i don't get like you're not dj khaled like dj khaled has to do dumb shit to stay relevant because you know eventually rick ross

same shit i got expensive sweat he has to do those videos otherwise nobody gives a fucking shit about rick ross or dj khaled you're elon musk man you got 900 billion dollars and you control cryptocurrency remember when he was saying Dogecoin was good and then he said it wasn't that good on SNL and it crashed? You're Lex Luthor, bro. You don't need to remain relevant. You're relevant. Everyone out there is buying a fucking Tesla

if you're a cuck. Tesla is the full-on cuck mobile. Look at it. It's got no soul. I get it, but still, I'd rather get a Chevy Volt than a fucking Tesla. But he challenged Putin to fucking for you. Like, it doesn't even work like that, dude.

What are you, a baby? What are you, nine? It doesn't even work like that. I got it. Putin, let's fight for Ukraine. You know it doesn't work like that. And then people are like oh yeah fucking elon dude stop with this fucking madness man it's so dumb for the world

you got responsibility don't say you're gonna fight putin for ukraine also imagine how much imagine if putin said okay and then just beat the fucking shit out of Elon Musk. That would be the best because he would, by the way, he would, the guys that got, got a black belt in Judah. They took his black belt away from fucking type to type on dough association,

took it away. Like it fucking matters, dude. He should just get a leather black belt from J crew and wear it over a gi and begin like, and say, they still have, um,

let's look at Putin trying to shake people's hands here. Apparently this isn't. This isn't. This is. Putin tried to shake someone's hand. Here we go. No sound. Wow.

Oh, wow. Here we go. Chef goes to shake a hand. Oh, why did he not shake his hand oh so oh so bitch wait why are they not shaking his hand they don't respect him you don't even know okay he shakes his hand and then over here and misses it oh so bitch well like oh here we go with the North Korean. The North Korean, dude. Even Kim Jong-il, dude. Wow, so sad. Nothing is more sad, dude.

That immediately takes you down pegs, doesn't it? Right? Doesn't it? You could literally be Tom Cruise at a Tom Cruise convention. And if you're the real Tom Cruise and you go to shake hands with another fucking fake Tom Cruise and they don't see it, you're just a regular ass dude. Isn't that so? Fuck all that. When I go to shake someone's hand and they don't see it, I fucking put it in their face and I say, hey, hey, hey, buddy.

We got to wrap this up first. The last thing I'm going to do is swallow some extra times. Okay. I just no way dude that ain't me unbelievable dude what are they saying about this is so bitch

to let a fucking hand go by like that so patreon.com and get that don't push me merch man you see that fucking people trying to side with jesse smollett and make it about race dude duh i'm a centrist dude and we got the

oops shit go to chrisalia.com sign up for our patreon patreon.com slash chrisalia and that's that dude we have a good time here and congratulations thank you very much. Phoenix, I'm going to be in Phoenix. Get tickets at crystalia.com.

Come into the Celebrity Theater. And also Irvine. We're almost sold out there. I don't think I'm going to add any more shows there either. So Irvine, go to crystalia.com. And also go to crystalia.com because there's going to be more dates that we're doing. And I don't think they'll be up yet. They may be up yet, but I'm looking at Nashville.

I'm looking at Chicago. I'm looking at some other dates. So go to chrisdaly.com and see where I'll be. Maybe Milwaukee. We're picking and choosing, my babies. Hey, guys, that's the end of the episode on YouTube. If you want the extended rest of the episode, go to patreon.com slash chrisdaly.

You can also get the backlog. We do an extra episode every month. also get the pat the backlog we do an episode an extra episode every month you get the backlog extra episodes there's like 11 of them now i don't know go check those out you get all that content and there's also review mode uh which is which is another segment i do that's separate from congratulations and there's behind the scenes stuff from the with chris stuff just go to patreon.com slash chris talia it's six bucks figure it out if you don't we also still love you and make friends in the comments below and like and destroy that like button thanks very much bye you