Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 244. The Blood Of A Photographer

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris discusses his own photography skills, Hillsong Church and it's ripped ex-pastor, Elizabeth Holmes, and doing the right thing. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of americam express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hi guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. We got Phoenix coming up. Phoenix. Yeah, we got Phoenix coming up. We're doing dates in Phoenix. Phoenix. We're doing dates in Phoenix Phoenix we're doing Dates in Phoenix April 30th Get your tickets at crystalia.com I've got Irvine Coming up it's all sold out I added two shows because it kept selling out

And your boy Johnny Sellouts But he couldn't he's not going to add another show So that's it so you missed out Irvine But it's coming up soon In April and then we're going to Phoenix So go get your tickets crystalia.com there are a few tickets left so go get them now if you're in the Phoenix area we got the oop shirts is selling like hot cake hot cakes hot cakes or hot cakes but um yeah and then so we've got the oops actually that t-shirt the oops t-shirt is one

of the highest selling items on crystalialeya.com yes dude he stays current even through everything dude everyone's fucking split in the country but he stays current dude he's got a fucking fan base that will ride for him he's got a fan base but it's not even me who has the fan base it's us that has the fan base right right? Okay? We're all together. And make no mistake, it's a cult. So when they come after me like, this is a cult. Let's try and expose him like Hillsong. Cut to this.

Hey, I never said I wasn't a cult. So yeah, dude. We got the oops merch. We got the don't push me merch. Cause everyone keeps trying to motherfucking push, push, you know, you get a little bit fucking, you get a little bit woke and you push me over. I'm a centrist baby, but, um, you know, that's, what's up. You know, I try to stay in the middle there. I try to, you know, it's like bowling.

It's with the bumpers, right? I need those bumpers there to kind of fucking okay there we go and just head on down and try and get that strike at least get a little bit like at least get like seven pins you know you don't need the jackass that's getting only two pins but joe so put the bumpers up and get at least seven pins right but when you start making fucking documentaries about nothing, just about gullible people, when there's really no tragedy, right? Like I'm watching Bad Vegan or I'm watching fucking Twinder Sindler. You know, you take these fucking bumper, you take the bumpers off, dude. Don't push me.

I'm trying to stay centered. I'm trying to stay centered, you don't want these two fucking right wings cracking out of my back and just fucking making, making me fly around in a circle, dude, you don't want me getting dizzy because you're pushing me on over to the right, on over to the right anyway dude so that's what's up man um yeah you know i uh i did watch that the fucking documentary on the hill song and i just want to be like that dude carl wentz or whatever uh he it's on the discovery plus shit and it's like yeah dude i love how the fucking lady cheated on, like, knew he was married, cheated on him. He cheated on his wife. And now they're like, they're like fucking Hillsong Mega Church exposed. And she's like, one of the first things she says is, he's got blood on his hands. Oh, really?

You were just dunking and you knew he was married, dude. And now he's got blood on his hands. Who died, really? You were just doinking and you knew he was married, dude. And now he's got blood on his hands. Who died, though? Hey, knock, knock. Who died? No one? Catch you later. Knock, knock, knock.

Well, that was uneventful why'd we go to that house i mean dude he's got blood on his hands did you know he's married yes okay so you kept doinking him yes okay so he cheated on his wife yeah okay mega church exposed dude it's all his fault I mean look I get it I get it the dude cheated on his wife

that's bad right we've all learned that lesson we've all learned the lesson cheat and be bad right okay we understand that and uh you know 75 percent of men cheat and that's just the survey that's just the survey that's like hey we're doing a survey uh how many men cheat on how many cheats how many guys fucking doink out of wedlock and they're like do you doink out of fucking marriage and they're like yeah and that's 75 of the people just trusting somebody walking up with a piece of paper like to the census bureau hey you cheat hey

yeah got you down that's just 75 of the people that admit it for the survey so couldn't you imagine and then you get the fucking Carl Wentz, the most chilling-ass dude, V'd out from the fucking cock. Like, the dude's V'd out to his armpits, right? Like, there's a picture of him with Justin Bieber, and Justin Bieber looks ugly. And Justin Bieber's a nine, you know? And this dude's got the big-ass glasses, ironically, like I'm a fucking, like he's saying he's a child molester, but he's not, though.

You know what I mean? A guy that knows he's so cool that if he wears the child molester glasses, he's still fucking, you know what I mean? Looks good. And so he's got that shit. And he's on fucking I mean, this mega church. And I love how people are like, well, look, you know, the thing that people didn't know were that, you know this this uh that everyone was profiting from this really dude it's 500 a ticket and they're playing the fucking ubs stadium what the fuck where you think the money's going dude there's 500 a ticket plus merch plus you buy the cd plus tithing hate

that word dude right they they pass the long baskets and shit. The baskets are so fucking long. Dude, the baskets are so long, dude, and they come up right to your face in church. Here you go. Remember those bitches? Dude, I go to the Catholic church. The guys would come out with the baskets, dude, and they'd just fucking and they would. Tithing?

Okay, here. And if you don't put it in, you a piece of shit no not for me thank you i just when i was a kid i took money out of it i didn't know it was bad um so yeah so like the guy cheated on his wife a bunch of times and they're and they're and it's like hillsong exposed and it's like first of all this happened fucking like how many five years ago and they're making this documentary now and now this guy fucking wants to kill himself. Probably. It's so awful.

Like the guy's a complete sex addict and he's got a problem. And like they just want to fucking. He's got blood on his hands like they left that part in. Anyway, I digress. I digress, dude. I digress. Church is just like it's just like bad you know it's like it's like you know i get it too because you think like businesses like nobody thinks they're evil right like even hitler was like yeah you know i mean okay i understand people think what i'm doing bad

but you know we got to get these jews out of Like, that's what fucking, you know, is better for. Look, I get it, but it's better for everyone. Let's just get this superior race fired up. Right. We're doing a lot of mixed race fucking and then brown babies are coming out. Right. Let's just start with these Jews. Let's move them out.

And trust me, like that's and he didn't think he was a bad guy. He was, he thought he needed to do what he needed to do. And yes, it's awful. And yes, Hitler deserves to get the electric chair and fucking multiple cocks of possessed. But still, let's just get one thing straight. Nobody thinks that they're a bad person. You see dick, dicks out there, dude. Comedians are the worst people.

Okay. You see them out there dude comedians are the worst people okay you see them out there dude all these you know everyone thinks that they're fucking yucking it up and like everyone's a good guy because they're telling jokes being jovial they're dark as shit and they're narcissists and the fucking 90 i hate when people say people are narcissists so i don't know if they're narcissists or not because i'm just somebody like everyone's diagnosing everybody on fucking twitter i have no idea who's a narcissist and who's not. But like, dude, nobody thinks they're a bad guy.

So this dude is probably compartmentalizing everything about how, you know, or anybody who has a mega church and they're wearing fucking Gucci fucking shoes. And like they're carrying around like you got those fucking old black pastors with the fucking Louis Vuitton bags, which is fucking goddamn hilarious, you know. They got like a $5,000 bag and a red suit like they're fucking Steve Harvey. And they fly in private jets and they're like, yeah, but, you know, without me, like, people don't like, you know, people don't have this community where they do. So I kind of deserve it, you know. That's what they're thinking in their fucking Learjet. have this community where they do so i kind of deserve it you know that's what they're thinking and they're fucking learjet i mean like without me these kids would probably be doing drugs and they're instead of just coming together and singing hymn songs i don't see what the

i don't see what the big problem is in their fucking why is they're riding their white tiger so it's like so i so you get caught up, right? There's a difference between Hitler and the guy who buys a Louis Vuitton bag with tithing. That's all I'm saying. And it's bad, yes. But you have to understand these people are compartmentalizing. A lot of these people are dealing with issues that they have themselves. It's like the whole thing, if you knew everyone's story, you couldn't hate them.

That's all I'm saying. So these fucking documentaries are becoming a little bit irresponsible. And you watch it. I'm watching the thing. And I get like, oh, I get into it. I'm like, yeah, this motherfucker. But I'm like, wait, they're just telling their side of the stories, dude. It is crazy, man.

It is crazy man it is crazy everybody sins doesn't don't they do it everybody sins sometimes oh sometimes you steal money Sometimes you fuck outside of marriage. Everybody. Sometimes you eat too much. Gluttony's a sin for some reason. Everybody sins. Why is gluttony a sin? I get all the other ones, but why is gluttony a sin? Eating is a sin dude getting a gordita taco bell is a sin sometimes Getting extra sauces and Chick-fil-A's of sin.

Get the extra sauces. But anyway, dude, religion is like, if you're going to religion, if you're going to big business church, if you're going to big business churches, guess what? They're stealing your money. And be okay with that, but it's entertainment. Them big business mega churches, that bitch is entertainment. Has nothing to do with Jesus Christ. Guess what?

Jesus Christ is just fucking kind of just, you know, dead, you know? So, is he coming back back i don't know didn't come back yet that's the other thing too when people are like bro i don't believe in the afterlife i don't believe in jesus i don't believe in fucking god fuck all that you don't know though right do you right like let's just take a step back you don't know like a lot of people think like oh i probably don't believe in shit like that. And I don't. But also like, I don't really know. You could die and literally there could only be hell. You could die and you could die and literally everyone then goes to a huge Ikea and you just got to put furniture together for the rest of eternity.

You don't have a fucking clue. You could die and then immediately come out as another new baby. You don't know. So that's why when I see these priests or pastors that are like, the word of the Lord is true. You don't know though, right? Why do you know? Because I have faith, aka you don't know. If you have to rely on faith, A.K.A. you don't know. If you have to rely on faith, you don't know. That's what faith is. You have faith when you don't have proof.

So if you don't got proof, and you know you don't got proof, you go like this, K. But faith though. Oh. And I could easily be a fucking leader of a megachurch think i can't dude i would do it i actually was watching that hillsong shit and i was like oh dude your boy missed his calling actually yeah i'm funny and boy is that nice but when it comes to the gift of gab. Hello, gift of gab airline. Gift of gab airlines, we'll be taking off. We're going to go into the goddamn stratosphere.

I'm Chris D'Elia. Sit tight. Here we go. Take off like one of those fucking G.I. Joe jets. Just not even with a. Oh, dude, you thought we needed a runway. Yeah. Everybody sins. Eatin's a sin for some reason.

Just have a salad. Ranch is a sin, though though who decides these sins jesus christ the bible that shit was dude we're canceling books way from way less long ago you can't even read like huck finn because it has the n word in it you're gonna who wrote the bible too oh who did it i'm just saying dude i digress so i could easily be one of those fucking oh man the gift the gab dude church the church i mean dude i need to start it that's the thing i need to start a church i really went about this cult thing the wrong way but i'm glad you're in the catch congratulations cult thank you very much for listening and i know

a lot of people fucking think that guy's so full of himself you don't fucking even understand goddamn comedy do you god people really take everything so seriously like you look at tiktok comments and it's just it's just like oh okay, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Got it. Your brain hasn't developed fully yet. How old are you? 30?

Ah, guess I'd like. I took a fucking dude. We went hiking the other day. It was absolutely so fun. I had no idea it was going to be that fun. I was all right, man. You know, you you get out sometimes you get outside in nature and shit and it's just like i don't like when people are like yeah there's always somebody if you go hiking in a group somebody says something like you know it's just great getting back to nature and you're like not even that far from

a fucking highway right like isn't outside just nature right all you got to be near one tree and it's nature but you're even in new york city there's fucking roses cracking out of the sidewalks basically that's nature too so don't get all high and mighty just because you're in fucking you know in a lake in the ozarks by the way that's man-made so it's like but um so we're there and somebody's like it's great to get back to nature and i'm like i don't dude i don't deal with those kinds of things being said on hikes and so i cut that real quick i nipped that in the bud and and my other buddy was like there's my buddy dan was like there's poison ivy be careful and i'm like what's it look like and

he's like i'll show you if i see it and then he's like oh there it is and i said really and he said i think so i'm like all right well so. Well. So if you don't know. You don't know dude. Well I guess we'll just know. If there was poison ivy. In a day or so. When I start itching. Like the dickens.

So. We're on this hike. And it's not a crazy hard hike. But we're running. You know. Your boy's trying to get into the fucking. You know. You know.

Summer's coming. So that's all I'm saying. Summer's coming. So that's all I'm saying. Your boy's going to all i'm saying your boy's gonna be dressed like a fucking brick shithouse without his shirt on isn't that right shit brick brick shithouse with no shirt on your boy's gonna take bro i'm getting i'm gonna be to the point where i'm so fucking first of all i'm so first of all he shredded you natch but like dude is we're gonna get to the point where i'm so strong i can just fucking take my shirt off like this and it rips off like that and that is the absolute sexiest shit of all time if you can just take your shirt off down like that like rip it like that like you know sexy guys they do it like this they grab it like from their traps and do it like that

fuck that dude i'm on another level dude I go like this and I just rip it. Maybe I do like a little scissors cut right here. So whenever, like when need be, if I need to be sexy as shit, just grab it from the heart and and you only see my head shake a little bit from fucking, you know what I mean? From like, uh, the, the, the strength strenuous move that I'm doing it, but I'm like, I need to

get really tightly wound and shit to get that strong. anyway do it I digress again but like so we went on a hike and I was with like two guys and a cameraman because it's going to be on the with Chris thing next week and uh on my second channel more crystalia go to that youtube channel subscribe and like and also make friends in these comments too now's a good time to do it but so we went on a hike and we're doing it and then there's like it's me mike lenoce and my buddy dan um and we get to this spot where he's like dan's like we should go over to the fucking to the rock and i'm looking and there's like a really narrow way to do it we got this on the video but i was like uh oh yeah okay and mike was like bro that's too narrow we can't do that. And I'm like, bro, don't,

come on, don't be a pussy. And then even the camera guy with the camera is like, I can do it. And Mike's like, don't do it. You're holding a camera, dude.

You could fall off the cliff. So we ended up doing it and we got there to the rock and my buddy Dan is always wanting me to take pictures of him. It's really fucking, I mean,

you know, he's got like 15,000 followers on Instagram, which is cool, but he's always like, bro, get a picture of me outside near this fire hydrant. And I'm just like, why? He's like, oh, this wall's cool. Get a picture.

I'm like, who do you send this to? Your mommy? So he'll go like, get a picture. I'm like, God damn it. So we're on the rock, right? And he's like, let's all get a picture. And I'm like, fine. It's on video. We're shooting the goddamn, right? And he's like, let's all get a picture. And I'm like, fine. It's on video.

We're shooting the goddamn thing, you know? And so we take the video of the fucking thing. And then the camera guy takes one of the other guy's phones and takes a picture of it while he's holding the camera. It's so precarious. We're on this rock where if we slip, we die. Or one of us at least get some ruptured discs and like so he takes the pick and then we go to leave and then Dan says

hey Chris get one of just me friendship level dips. I thought we knew each other a little better than that. Because I respect you. I want to say I did end up taking the picture, but what happened? You didn't respect me, did you? You didn't throw a bag of respect my way

when you know I got bags of respect for you. You say, Chris, turn around and take a picture of me. When you know I feel about that and it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me cringe.

Friendship level went down a notch. Right? You're my fourth best friend or whatever, now you're my fifth, who went up, you'll never know, that's for me to know, so maybe you're my second best friend, maybe you're first, who knows, you know, I got a, if I had to tally, I had to tally, but we dropped a notch, didn't we, oh, fuck, oh, God, we got some making up to do, so I do it, so this is my idea, dude, and this is unbelievable, I'm making up to do. So I do it.

So this is my idea, dude. And this is unbelievable. And this, like, I'm already at. And by the way, comedically, okay? So don't come at me in the comments, whoa, Chris has got some serious anger issues. That's between me and my therapist. Wow, Chris really is a dick. Dude, my friends know me, okay?

They know me. They know me when I'm fucking firing in all syllables. And they know me when I'm chilling. They know me when I'm really upset, when I'm dark and depressed. They know me when I'm fucking sad. They know all of me. You don't. Thank you, Preish. Appreciate you in my comments.

But chill on the wow. Chris is a dick. His friends need to. Right? Because you don't know me you don't know the full me right at that that that that that that that that that that if you start thinking about that okay so my buddy's like get one of just me so I'm like oh but okay I got bags of respect so I take out my phone right and I And I start, I got this crazy good idea. It's a beautiful landscape, right? And he's looking at me.

He's on the very edge of the rock. And I'm like, okay, I got this. I go to do it this way. Guess what? Wasn't good enough. Why? The landscape was banging. Clouds were all sorts of different colors.

There was a new color out there I had never seen before, right? So I go from this to this. Oh, he's going to get the landscape, right? That's what everybody's thinking, okay? Because I've got bags of respect for my friend, and I want to get him the best picture for his Instagram that he's going to post, even though no one's going to see it. This.

So I'm doing it like this. And then I say, oh, wait, hold on, because I forgot the 0.5 button that you could hit to make it all wider. Your boy's a photographer, but he doesn't want to be, but it's in his blood in a way, oh, for fuck's sake,

dude, he's got the blood of a photographer, oh, God, we didn't know, right, but he's got a few vials in there, he's got a few vials in there,

fuck's sake, he's got a few vials, a fucking photographer's blood, and it's fucking, so, he goes to take, vials of blood and fucking photographer blood and his fucking blood. So he goes to take, so he hits the.5 shit, the landscape widens and holy fucking shit, it looks nice.

But that wasn't it, was it? No, because he's got an extra vial of blood of creativity in him, doesn't he? Why? You might ask that sitting at home in your cubicle or in your car in traffic listening to this podcast.

Why? Why does he have an extra vial of creativity? Well, let me tell you. I remembered the pano button. Oh, he's going to get it fucking. Oh, shit. He's going to take a photo from here to there is what he's gonna do and it's gonna be so fucking awesome and it's gonna look like shit when you zoom out into his camera roll but when you zoom in and you keep zooming in and you fucking scroll along with it oh my god it's like he's that one chick that takes the photographs of black and white that's

really famous that's not even really you know annie annie lebowitz or whatever the fuck oh for fuck's sake what's her name who cares so he does the fucking pan so he so this is me taking the picture okay hey will you take a picture i go friendship notch down but then your boy realized he's got vials of blood of photography in him. So he goes, sure, I'll do it. Does that whoopsie daisy extra vial, whoopsie daisy, extra vial, whoopsie daisy, extra vial. Right. Okay. So he goes, Oh, realizing boom, boom, boom, boom. Your boy is fucking crazy nuts with his iPhone. Okay. Boom. Your boy is fucking crazy nuts with his iPhone, okay? Imagine what he would be like with a fucking Canon, okay?

So he's just chilling, doing all sorts of fucking, you know. I start going, boom. And you know how when you do the panoramic shit and it goes, oh, oh, slow down? It doesn't do that for me because I'm Johnny Steadyhands, right? And he goes as slow as he needs to to get the whole thing. My buddy's standing there. I'm doing the pano shits. I mean, it's basically like I'm on a swivel chair. I mean, I'm real nice with it, right? My buddy's standing there and as

I get to him, he goes, Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. you look like a gimp now oh we fucked up together didn't we so i go oh my god stop the pano i say motherfucker what are you doing dude what are you doing i fucking now you look like, dude, I'll show the picture right here. Here it is right here. Put the picture right there. There it is. That's what it looks like. Bro, it looks so bad.

Oh my God, it looks so bad. And I'm like, I'm doing a pano thing. What are you doing? He's like, oh, I thought you were taking a video. Oh dude, do you know how awkward that would be? Just like this. And then all of a sudden he's like, dude, who are you?

Dude, it looks so bad and it's fucking hilarious and you can see it now, but dude, he did the fucking peace sign and then I was like, don't do that. And I'm like, I'm going to try it again. He tried it again and then he didn't move at all and it fucking came up I zoomed in his eyes were too close together un-fucking-believable dude it was unbelievable it was the best dude it was so funny we were laughing so goddamn hard it's in the with Chris video you can go look at it on my youtube but

oh fuck dude friendship just fucking he became like my 12th best friend in that moment. Dude, we were crying, man. And then we ran back. So that's what's up, dude. That's what I've been doing. Did the hike fucking thing and it's all good. So the two things I did this week was the hike thing. And then fucking I went out and I did some shows, man. I do a lot of shows.

I like doing the shows. It's really fun. I'm having a good time. And, you know, that's it. It's annoying how, like, Sean Penn is like, we should talk about Zelensky and the Oscars. The Oscars, I'm actually shooting this episode before the Oscars. So the Oscars, you know, they're going to be awful because of the fucking, you know, Amy Schumer's hosting and shit. But like,

it's like just so, it's like, so pat on the back shit type shit. Like the pat, the patting on the back of shit is just like, like I'm up here. I do jokey fucking like, you know,

being conceited shit, but like the patting on the back dude. So I saw a fucking video of a guy that took, that actually I fucking still have it. I think I, So I saw a fucking video of a guy that took that. Actually, I fucking still have it. I think I put it in the DMs of you guys. Let me see if I can. Here we go.

It was the guy who saved someone's life. Can't find it at all. Don't know what it was from. Anyway, dude, the guy fucking dude, we cut that part out because it was bullshit. I couldn't find it. But so the guy So the guy, there's a busted up car. It's an Instagram. It's a busted up car. And he's like this with the busted up car in the background.

It's wrapped around a pole. And he was like, yo, what up? Just saved someone's life. What's up, dude? Real talk. Just saved someone's life. That's that's crazy man can't believe it like patting yourself on the back so i'm done with the patting yourself on the back type shit and that's basically what the oscars is also you're just fucking saying lines you know what

i'm talking about um i i just the i i got uh i actually got um invited to some of the oscar parties and i i just through some a friend of mine and i i don't know if um i didn't go i'm not gonna go but um yeah man i don't know i was thinking about going like these things like i just feel fucking uncomfortable man you know what i realized i fucking actually have social anxiety like i definitely have like a lot of social anxiety like i'm not sure how to be unless i'm at like a comedy club or people know who i am or if i'm on right if i'm like performance mode on like that's a flip you have to switch like look i'll be honest with you before today before this podcast today i i was extremely anxious all day i woke up anxious i texted my friends i'm like man i can't shake this anxiety um i felt awful i i actually fucking cried a little bit i just couldn't

i couldn't like i felt like how am i going to do this podcast but i have to do this podcast and i wanted to get it out. And I was like, I think I can do it. I'm a professional. Let's see if I can do it. And then I sat down and engagement and performance mode engagement. Like you don't want me in podcast. You know what I'm saying? Like podcast mode is what we call it, right? You know how Drake gets an album mode? Your boy gets in podcast mode. And when I'm in podcast mode, mode, your boy gets in podcast mode. And when I'm in podcast mode, ain't nobody safe. Okay. So I had to be in podcast mode and I don't know if I'm at the point in my life, in my recovery. Do you know what I mean? Through my therapy as being in podcast mode, when I'm at a party with a bunch of fucking suits, you know, when you're walking the fucking red carpet, I don't know if

I'm in that fucking mode. I don't know. You know? that fucking mode I don't know you know and then even like Kristen was like yeah maybe it's a good idea you know you just go and you you test the waters and and you fucking see how you know and I just don't know man like I wanted so badly to be in Hollywood and I and then I like after all this shit like I think about like I think about it and I think about why you know like I actually think about why like shooting army of the dead

was in the hot hot desert of Albuquerque Albuquerque is not fun especially when you're too hot. You were waiting around, you know, the production was awful. And like, I shot this movie and I was like, cool. But I was like, I, you know, I met some cool people, but like, it's not fun. It's not fun. Like acting is barely fun unless you're out there really with the meat on the

bones, you know, like Christian Bale well you want me to gain 60 pounds for a row let's do it I mean I would never do that but like you know what I mean I'll grow a mustache I'll shave my head but like you know you're basically acting and you and you're the whole thing is is like this will be cool to watch one day so i cancel the tour uh fly to albuquerque for two months shoot this fucking movie it's horror the horrible production everyone's bitching and moaning during it the negative energy is just astounding i'm dealing with some of these actors that are by the way great people but not every time you're on set there's always one or two actors where you're like oh this fucking guy dude right so i'm making i'm taking

a pay cut i'm doing and then and then for what though right, I remember when I got cut out of the movie, I'm like, ah, fuck. But then it's like, for what? For that two hours of watching it? More people aren't going to come see me do stand-up. Maybe a few. But I want the real fans. I want the real motherfuckers that listen to this podcast, the real motherfuckers that watch my shit out there my stand-up i want those motherfuckers sitting in seats i don't want somebody seeing me on the

fucking on like ghosted on fox is that a show probably it's probably a fucking show i don't want somebody seeing me on like you know at the world according to fucking you know what would it be now the world according to fucking hanjib is what it would be now i don't want to be the fucking neighbor in a goddamn show i i don't want to be the lead in a fucking show that's corny as shit on nbc i don't want those people coming out yeah bags stacks of money making my bag making my pockets look like a fucking saran wrap of beatles but i don't want that dude i don't want that money i want the real motherfucking bags that come from the fans that watch this show that watch my uh stand up that come from instagram you come for a chuckle ha ha click let's go's go see him in Arizona on the 30th in April.

That's what I want. I don't want these outside motherfuckers that are like, oh, I saw you in you. I don't give a fuck. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate you like my work, but when it comes to comedy, I want those motherfuckers

because those motherfuckers ride with you into the sunset. So let's go. And you think I can't start a mega church? I will, dude. I should. I swear to God, man. So when it gets to the Oscars, it's like they don't give a fuck about each other.

Oh, oh, oh, oh oh Zelensky oh oh Russia oh how many people are going to talk about goddamn Russia because they did a fucking supporting role in some dog shit movie on Hulu you know what I'm talking about and everyone oh oh oh that piece was beautiful that film it was, you know what it was? Ha-da-da-da-da. So we go back to recovery. We go back to my therapy. I just don't think I'm ready.

I can't do it. I can't do it. I don't know. I don't know, man. And I'm not saying I never will. You know, I've been offered movie. I've been offered roles since, you know, and I just don't, I don't, it doesn't feel what's right in my life right now. What feels like what's right in my life is being with my family.

Number one, being a good dad and, you know, doing this podcast and doing stand-up um i don't know what's the thing here, oh yeah, these fighters, some foreign fighters eager to join the Ukrainian cause, have found the experience unexpectedly frightening and dangerous, like, you know,

this headline dude, oh yeah, oh yeah, you found, war unexpectedly, frightening, what did you think it was fucking paintballs? Oh, you found war a bit danger?

Hey, guy, it's war. You see people dying and looking for their own arms. Right? Some who traveled to theraine have found the newly formed in international legion for the territorial defense of ukraine to be ill-equipped and disorganized while others recount a frightening and dangerous experience this is probably just the way that i mean dude this isn't news you know it would be crazy if they were the news should be hey went to ukraine it's actually surprisingly amazing dude girls keep showing us their tits and like we get burgers they just pass

them out and the burgers are really good like i'm not saying they're like fucking in and out or like five guys but like they're you know they're like fat burger burgers like what is this news i think that some of the news just literally puts out stuff so people will respond to it because then the algorithm will be i mean hughes 57 is an anti-poverty activist. You know, anti-poverty. That's the hilarious shit. When people pick ant, like, okay, if you're an activist for something cool, but like, that's how the fucking QAnon got you in. That's how QAnon got you motherfuckers that was in. They were like, yo, you want to be in QAnon? What do you believe?

Joe Biden is a lizard. And also there was election fraud. But isn't there election fraud every year? Yeah, but it was way worse this year. Okay. Oh yeah. And also Hillary Clinton fucks kids in a,

in a pizza place. Oh, that sounds crazy. Yeah, but it happens. You know what? I'm going to pass. You guys just seem pretty aggressive.

And then they're like, but don't you want to save the children? And you're like, well, yeah, you're in. You find a cause that everyone fucking loves. And then you're like, well, yeah, you're in. You find a cause that everyone fucking loves and then you're in.

Like my call, my, hey, come on over to my fucking thing, dude. What do you do? Well, we stab cows in the fucking head. That's what we do. Whoa, that sounds violent. Why are you going to eat them? Nah, it's to let the blood out and then we bathe in the blood and we all become a higher elevated being. Whoa, sounds violent. Why are you going to eat them? Nah, it's, uh, it's to let the blood out. And then we bathe in the blood and we all become a higher elevated being. Whoa. Sounds crazy.

Um, you don't like cotton candy. Well, no, I like cotton candy. Come on over here. Some cotton candy. Oh, take this knife. You don't have to use it, but wow. It's pretty cool that you're in dude. In a week and a half, you're stabbing cows in the motherfucking face in between their eyes that's that's what they do of course you want us oh anti-poverty well the fuck is an anti-poverty and i'm not saying it's not good to be an activist for this shit but activist has become a very loose term if you haven't noticed dude you post a black square on Instagram and you're for Black Lives Matter. Oh, really?

But what'd you do, though? Did you take a club out of someone's hand? No. You just posted something. That's nothing. I did it. Whoopsie-daisy. I took it down because it's nothing.

You're not doing anything. If you're not doing anything, then don't do it. But don't virtue signal. And then it was to stop Asian hate. And then if you don't do it, silence is violence. No, dude. Silence is silence. We've been over this.

There's a clip of it. You can Google it. Silence is violence. We've been over this. There's a clip of it. You can Google it. Silence is violence, Chris D'Elia. He was given a plane ticket by a generous donor and it arrived in Lviv on March 4th. Eager to sign up, but quickly discovered that the legion was ill-equipped and disorganized. They couldn't guarantee me a weapon. Well, yeah, that's just because you fucking showed up without a plus one, asshole. team me a weapon well yeah that's just because you fucking showed up without a plus one asshole you showed up to war with your fucking hands in your slacks just like you guys need me dude

you're not a fucking warrior you're an anti-poverty activist you want a gun that's like ti trying to do stand-up but you don't do it though that's like soldier boy trying to make video games you don't do it though i'll buy nintendo it's like when fucking uh bruce willis came out with a band it's like when kevin bacon wanted to make the bacon brothers you don't do it though hey i'm gonna build a house and even though i'm, you're all going to come in and live in it. And then we do that. And then it rains and we get all wet.

Why? Because I don't build houses. I'm not going anywhere near Russia without a weapon. So I bailed on all that. Gave up. It got a little bit tough. Theyed on all that. Eh, seh, gave up. It got a little bit tough. They didn't have turkey sandwiches. They didn't have my rider, so I bounced.

While it's hard to verify the numbers, it's likely that thousands of people from around the world have joined the cause and uh provided crucial support on the battlefield but some foreign fighters found the experience frightening and dangerous it's like walking into mcdonald's and being like sup with all these burgers like you get what you get dude so that's so fucking heck um did you see the fucking uh I love the Elizabeth Holmes shit cause I don't know that much about it but to me it seems like like I know what she did was fucking

horrible like cause she but here that's the other thing like she didn't think she was a bad person she was just like we'll get the money and if I just say we can fucking make the product I'll get the money and then I'll get the money and then we'll make the product and that's so so so what agents do

in Hollywood so she was probably like it's all good I mean agents in Hollywood do that all day long they'll be like you know yada yada is interested in it and you're like really okay I'll do it and then they're like cool and then they call the other guy and they're like you know Chris Talia is interested in the other guys like, really? Okay, I'll do it. And then they're like, cool. And then they call the other guy and

they're like, you know, Chris Talia is interested in it. And the other guy was like, oh, really? Oh, cool. I'll do it then. And then they fucking do it. Nobody was interested in it. And agent just fucking lied. And agent Elizabeth Holmes, this project together, this stupid project about fucking vamp, like vampires,a elizabeth holmes their way into fucking 100 mil and it's okay because it's entertainment right but when it comes to you don't have cancer anymore when it comes to curing hiv it's not cool and i get that but let's not act like everyone out there is dude i got a buddy, David Sullivan. He does that just with hanging out.

He'll be like, hey, man, you know, fucking Brent's coming. I'm like, really? Oh, cool. I'll be there. I hate bowling, but I like Brent. All right. Click. And then what's up?

Hey, Brent. Chris is going bowling. He wanted you to come. Oh, really? Well, bowling isn't fun because i'm not a fucking pot-bellied 60 year old man or a 12 year old throwing a birthday party but i'll go and then you both show up and david sullivan's there with his fucking shit-eating grin because he's the one that wanted to bowl hey elizabeth home this situation. This dude is CAA when it comes to hanging out.

Fuck y'all motherfuckers. Don't lie to me about who's coming. And don't lie to other people about when I'm coming. You got friends like that, those motherfuckers drop rungs, dude. Those motherfuckers drop some rungs. And I love David Sullivan. With my heart, I love that motherfucker. But, dude, don't be Elizabeth Holmes in me when it comes to hanging out.

He was in primary. He's a great actor, dude. David Sullivan is a good actor. And I always fucking hit him up and I say, I'm a better actor than you. That's just the kind of fucking motherfucking text you get when you're my friend. So, yeah, man. motherfucking text you get when you're my friend um so yeah man i can't wait for these fucking oscars and just and the times with the and the during times like these has there ever been oscars where they're just like not like and during times like these you get fucking what's her name up there the girl that was fucking hot for nine months uh charlie's

there on and now everyone still says she's fucking hot i just during times like these you're like all right dude but we gotta you know you gotta also not get so hot about it right chris you gotta chill and you just gotta realize what you're grateful for isn't that right because that's we gotta, you know, you gotta also not get so hot about it, right, Chris, you gotta chill, and you just gotta realize what you're grateful for, isn't that right, because that's what I do, sometimes I'm in the shower, and I'm like, yeah, these motherfuckers, man, you know, yeah, some of these motherfuckers, right, some of these motherfuckers out there, isn't that right, yep, shampooing the beard, fuck, I know, by the way, I don't shampoo my beard, that's fucking idiotic, just use soap, but for the bit, shampooing the beard, it's by the way i don't shampoo my beard that's fucking idiotic just use soap but for the bit shampooing a beard it's all good right right some of these motherfuckers if they died i'll tell you what we can call her dad that's for sure man these motherfuckers let me get my anus while

i'm wiping my anus yeah yeah yeah i was backstabbed but motherfucking fuck these guys washing my fucking nutso's uh-huh that guy at the right. It didn't really show me respect, did he? As I'm fucking basically finger banging my anus. All right. Working the anus a little too much. Yeah, right. The guy fucking. Okay, it was cool.

The guy said I aged 10 years in one year online. All right, cool. Well, he'll get his one day. I'm just banging my anus in the shower. And then I stop. I stop. I stop myself from banging my anus and I just sit there then I stop, I stop, I stop myself from banging my anus and I just sit there and now I'm washing, but I'm doing it nicely. Like someone else is doing it, trying

to fucking take care of me. And I'm like, okay, all right. I think I get it now. What is good in my life? If I really sit back and I realize what it's like my day to day, it's nice. I live in LA. Now, granted you drive down the street and there's absolutely mattresses on fire and people jumping on their actual own shit. But it's beautiful, right? The weather's great. That's why you move here.

Yeah, the taxes are crazy. And sure, I saw four people crying in their parked cars last week, but the clouds and the sun on your face, it's beautiful. I've got a beautiful son. Calvin is amazing. I mean, I don't want to say gift because I feel like that downplays it. He is the light, you know? gift because I feel like that downplays it. He is the light. You know? He is the light. I mean, the guy

is fucking hilarious, man. He was playing with a tube, opening it and closing it, just like it was one of those fucking, and he goes, and I said, can I see it? And I go to grab it, and he says, no, that's for towel. And I was just like, shot to the heart and it's beautiful man got a beautiful fiance my family loves me my dad's fucking in good health my mom's in good health

even though she's starting to waddle a little bit you know old ladies start to waddle after a certain fucking time got her a step aerobic back in fucking 1999. Did she use it? No. Is that my fault? No. Now she waddles a little bit. Love her, but she falls down sometimes and like breaks her elbow. It happened like two, three times. You know, people get old, dude.

We're all going to fall down and take a wrong... She got the rockiest front yard, by the way, dude. You know, have a fucking paved regular front yard of grass. It's so rocky, even I'm like waddling through it. But all good. I got a great life, you know, I really do. If you just realize it, sometimes you just, you're like, okay, I'm breathing and that's enough.

I mean, there's so much pain out there. I have pain. Today was a fucking struggle, goddammit. This podcast was the only thing that I really, well, I'm going to celebrate my dad and my birthday tonight. But that's going to be a beautiful thing. And I think my mood's going to turn around. And it has. Actually through this.

This podcast. You motherfuckers help. turn around and it has actually through this this podcast you motherfuckers help just listening to me bitch and moan and talk about things that i love and also don't love and i really appreciate you guys because without you guys i feel like i would have lost my mind really i really do like sometimes i don't think i sometimes i think about like fame and like how people deal with it and like there's no rule book for it. You know, you just kind of get famous and then you don't realize how famous you are.

Right. Like Kristen would always say like, you shouldn't tweet that because it makes you, and I'm like, why this motherfucker talk shit? Why wouldn't I talk shit? And I'm like, I don't know. It just, you should take the higher road. And I'm like, fuck them.

They stepped in the octagon of Twitter. They're getting there. I fucking do this for a living. I mean, this should take the higher road. And I'm like, fuck them. They stepped in the octagon of Twitter. They're getting there. I fucking do this for a living. I mean, this was the mode I was on. And now I just don't feel that way. Like, I just don't feel that way because why cause anybody any pain if you don't want to? I mean, if period, not if you don't want to, why do, why cause anybody any pain? Why?

Like these fucking haters out there like why i don't know why um but yeah sometimes you're breathing and that's enough and so i just breathed through today it was tough and then i was at coffee bean and then kristen hit me up and she was like i'm on my way home with calvin and he won't shut up he keeps saying go see dad that go see dad that and i was like i'm coming home immediately she's like oh i didn't know you were home you could stay out I was like nah fuck that I'm coming home and then that was when I was like let me see your tube and he was like no it's fuck how and I was like okay so you don't even really want to fucking hang out but it was all good I just watched him well that's the episode for today on YouTube if you want to go

catch the rest of the episode go to patreon.comcom and there's always an extra, you know, at least 10, 15, sometimes 20 minutes of extra episode. So go on over to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and there's also an extra episode a month. There's also behind the scenes footage from the With Chris videos

that I do and there's also another segment called Review Mode that we do where we review all sorts of funny, stupid shit. And that's that. Thanks for listening. Have a good one. Música