Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 246. Throatmobile

Episode Date: April 14, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week, Chris discusses bedtimes, run ins with the boys in blue, and Hanka Jaaammmmmssss. Plus Missed Connections! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Welcome to another episode of Congratulations. It's episode number whatever it is. I don't ever really know. I know there's 200 something, but that's it. We are now, you know, it's been honestly, the podcast has been doing really well. It's been getting higher and higher clicks and views. And now we got that new podcast called Lifeline with me and my brother out on the same channel. So subscribe to this channel if you're not,

and you can get that podcast too. It'll be notified when it comes out. And let me do some, well, okay. So I'm going to be in Phoenix. So I've added another show in Phoenix. Uh, the second show in Phoenix that I'm doing a celebrity theater, April 30th. So get your tickets at Chris D'Elia.com there. Let's fill up that second show and, uh, all the babies come out and we're going to have a good time. Uh, we loved it.

I just did Irvine and it was really great. 3,000 of you came out. So I'm just, I'm so, I feel a lot of gratitude. But before I get into that, yeah, we got merch, crystalia.com. Go for all your merch. Get that Oops Grenade merch, the Don't Push Me shit. I wore that on my Irvine show. That shit actually looks very nice.

That's a very Americana vibe with the hat too. So you can go out and support the show. Crystalia.com. Get some merch. Pick your favorite shit and get some merch, and that always helps you. You know, that just basically funds the log cabin, right? It funds the landscaping bill outside of the log cabin in the green cabin, right? It funds the landscaping bill outside of the log cabin in the green grass, right?

It funds the grass being nice and tall and luscious and, you know, when we sit around in white sharing ideas. But yeah, dude, you know, I'm feeling okay. I actually feel really nauseous. There's been a heat wave and then it got cool again. So I wore a sweatshirt when it's hot out and a fucking t-shirt when it's cold out. Cause I never know what it is. And I always go with the day before and I should actually go open a window and I don't,

but it's all good. Um, and you know, we're keeping it nice at temperatures good in my house. So I'm happy, you know? Um, and, uh, I've been nauseous, been nauseous every other day for no reason. Yes, dude. Always been nauseous for fucking every other day. Why? Who knows? He drinks too much coffee, but will he stop? No, we won't stop because he needs to drink coffee because he may get nauseous, but if he stops drinking coffee, he gets a headache. Oh, he's got a caffeine addiction among other addictions. Oh oh he's got so many addictions

and it's all good but he's got so many addictions it's a good thing he never tried to do to do weed or do meth or do fucking cocaine because oh my god you see so much bolivian marching powder marching down his nose oh my god you'd see so much dude i would show up with the fucking like i was eating a fucking crawler to every just meetings people be like what's going on i'd be like nothing just eating donuts why what's up just eating donuts is that coke no i was eating a jelly powdered fucking donut which is what i said whoa let's get going on this fucking meeting um so yeah dude the world is healing i know russia and ukraine at war, but the world is healing. And let me tell you why.

The world went to shit. I think, honestly, the world went to shit again. I mean, 2020 was bad, but then also 2021 was bad, but then now it's 2022. I mean, I was Josh Safdie's muse when he wrote Uncut Jazz. Right. And that happened. And I know I'm late on this. This happened a while ago

right this happened what fucking in march and it's april this happened in march or something but you can't just say honka choms right this is by the way this is this is definitely why kanye west broke up with julia fox because she's a honka choms and i know everyone is on fucking tiktok and twitter and all this shit making fun of it. And I skipped over it because I was like, I'm not sure. But it keeps on fucking tugging in the back of my mind, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Are you like me?

Do you get hung up on something? Do things get stuck in your mind like it's a goddamn song? But really it's just something that somebody said? Or it irked you, right? You get a hankering to bring it up on the episode. And I did. I finally did do it why because she fucking said i was josh safty's muse when he wrote on kajal right dude but what is a muse is what she asks but what is a muse is what she asks and then julia fox took it back the most egotistical way and said well i was i was just half these and i'm good job but that's not necessarily the definition of a muse is it no but as i stopped his music

jobs oh look there's uncle james in there okay it's like my old manager you know there's music in there he obviously obviously had a muse, okay, it's fine, but talking like that is crazy, it's like Beyond Valley Girl, it's like Beyond Valley Girl, and then, I don't even understand, dude, Hanukkah Jams, Hanukkah jams is what she says Hanukkah jams Dude Don't know how it goes Hanukkah jams

Like that fucking old What was it? What was the fucking old In Living Color? When they would go Dude, fucking David Allengro is so funny, dude He is my muse an old in living color when they would go ha ha ha have a tortilla dude fucking j david allen grow is so funny dude he is my muse and i'm kacham's anyway dude she really said that shit that way she really said that shit that way if she was a fucking if she was a baller she would

capitalize on that she'd come out with hank kacham's fucking makeup or something hank kacham's a fucking or just hank kacham's the new fucking now that that's what that's what i call music new honka jams honka jams from julia fox new hot hot honka jams hot hot honka jams and it would be like all fucking music that was just really hot jams it would be like y'all gonna make me lose my mind up in here up in here that one would definitely be on there dude every now that that's what i call music but had fucking that song from dmx on i don't even care if it came out in the 80s now that's what i call music now honka jam honka jams grooves in the heart grooves in the heart honka jams hot hot honka jam power 106 honkah jams Hanukkah jams

Power 106 Hanukkah jams Dude I always Like that fucking on power 106 I don't even know if it's around anymore because I have serious Because I don't fucking listen to the radio anymore because the radio has Ads and I don't want to listen to ads Fuck yeah 2022 that's when we Live in and

So so the fucking Power 106 like there was I remember there was a song i never forget it man you never know when something's gonna happen that's gonna that's gonna that's gonna take you you're gonna take with the rest of your life right like you're just riding along having a good time or a bad time you're just chilling then all of a sudden somebody says something or somebody does something and you're like hey get on in here and be with me for the rest of my life right and i'm fucking driving along at life and i'm having a good time and power 106 goes power 106 power power 106 world premiere power 106

world premiere power 106 and the world premiere was get your head out your ass playboy was the song which i fucking don't even know what that song is at this point this is like 20 years later but it went like this get get get your head out get get get get your head out your ass playboy dude don't get the whitest guy ever to do it or do but if you do know deep down that's what you're doing and own it because power 106 was still back then trying to appeal to the fucking suburban whites trying to fucking be and honestly that's a little bit racist that's a little bit racist get a guy who's actually fucking talking to someone saying get your head out your ass play boy to do the promo otherwise you're whitewashing it so we figured it out honestly we solved we've

solved racism now we do it 20 years later but it's fine we do it get get get your head out your ass power 106 get get get get yeah what world premiere get get get out get your head out your ass power 106 get get get get world premiere get get get out get your head out your ass playboy why why does why is this stutter you know power 106 every time i would and i've kept that with me for the rest of my life dude sometimes just i'll be driving along and i'll just go get get get your head out yes playboy so that's fine that's my mind and I feel like you have stuff like that too honka chams and that's one of them once you said that I go like this get in here and I and I stay driving and now I got pop up our 106 get get your head out yes playboy honka chams 30% of this podcast so far has just been sounds.

Anyway, that's fine, dude. It's fine. Han Kachams. This fucking chick, though, I never really did a deep dive with this chick, and it's un-fucking-believable, dude. This girl's unreal in the best way. But I can't, like, I... Okay, so here we go.

Look, we're going to watch this shit right here she goes like this what do you want to do that's your dream project oh my god my book of course oh first of all she sounds like every chick in la go ahead yeah well i don't want to give too much right away because you don't want to give too much away because it's you don't know what to say about it you know what i mean you don't know because it's not really fleshed out. And let me guess, let me guess you don't know what to say about your book because it's not really fleshed out. Why?

Because you're not a writer. Why? Because you're just an actress. But really why you're writing a book? Because you dated Kanye. Eh? Suh? Sad.

Eh? Suh? Capitalizing on a moment, dude. Han Kachan. sad capitalizing on a moment dude honka cha very superstitious superstitious let's stop let's go back a little bit superstitious now listen obviously she just misspoken that's fine dude That is fine So she corrected herself Saying superstitious

Okay I don't like to speak of things Before they're finished But guess what though Guess what about superstitions Guess what They don't exist right You ever walk under a ladder

And then your dad died No And even if it did It wasn't because you walked Under the ladder I still don't walk under the ladder Just in case there's some Other fucking sort of

Metaphysical thing going on In the world But it's so far a masterpiece About your own book in case there's some other fucking sort of metaphysical thing going on in the world. But it's so far a masterpiece. About your own book that you didn't write and you're not a writer. Robert Frost turned over in his grave. Robert Frost poems suck, you know? Robert Frost poems, you know? Anything you want to do that's your dream project?

Oh my God, my throat. Hey, guy, clear your throat first of all. Anything you want to do? That's your dream project. Oh, my God, my throat. Hey, guy, clear your throat first of all. Anything you want to do? This fucking cirrhosis of the liver. You're about to die from fucking cirrhosis of the liver. Hey, anything you want to do? Anything you want to do? What's wrong with everyone, dude?

This is variety, you know? Anything you want to do? Wow. Honka jams, if I ever ever heard one you know what i mean it was like a memoir but now this is my first blah dude it's fucking honestly not um not good to buy her book okay let's just be real okay let me tell you let me go, let me go out on a limb here that I'm pretty sure about. You get her book, you piece of shit, right? You're the first to go.

Ain't that right? You're the frontline. You're the guy you got. If there's ever a war of the world, you got to be in the frontline. So you get rat-a-tat-a-tat it. And we all fucking figure out what to do in case the shit goes down. And our plan is wrong, right? If we have a front, you're the front line.

You buy Julia fucking Fox's book, you're in the front line. That's what's up. You're the front line. In case we have a war of the worlds and our plan may not work, rat-tat-tat, all studded up in your body, dude. And you die and then we reassist the situation. And we go, fuck, man. We have so many casualties. And they say, yeah, but it's cool because really we only lost the people in this world who bought Julia Fox's book.

What was the... Oh, my God. Who was that? No, no, no. Julia Fox? You're talking about Julia Fox from Pretty Woman? No, that was Julia Roberts. Who are you talking about?

Oh, you're talking about Zastavki's moves and fucking Han Kachams. Anyway, dude, it's kind of a mass sermon. Yeah. That's what it did after the end of every fucking one of her sentences? You know, I was just softies meals and I'm good. Cha. Gunk.

Wow, dude, this podcast podcast has only been 35 sounds so far but it's all good we did irvine last week and it was great dude and i say week because it was chrystalia and friends we had gabby lamb we had uh eric griffin mike lenochi we had fuck we had different people too Who else did we have actually We had Adam Ray And we had Hormoz Rashidi And we had some good people on the show It was really fun man We had a really good time I love doing those shows man

3,000 of you came out We did 6 shows Would have done a Sunday But there was a fucking British comedian That had the Sunday show And he sold it out And I'm sure he killed it And that's great props to him

But I wish I did the Sunday show Would have had two more would have done eight shows but it's all good because I got oh I'm doing a show in Hollywood actually coming up uh April 27th uh Crystalia and Friends I'll be at the Hollywood Improv get your tickets there but yeah man I'm just getting ready for this Phoenix show really crystalia.com for tickets crystalia.com for tickets um so we did Irvine it was a lot of fun. We went out. We got the new With Chris video out there on the Irvine With Chris, on the road with Chris. And I had a good time, man. I really, man, Irvine is just a great fucking place to do stand-up, huh?

Just fucking super white, super Asian, and that's it. That's it. Everyone else just drives by or is on my show. Eric Griffin. Honestly, what race is Eric Griffin? First of all, but second of all, he's the same race as The Rock, whatever that is. But second of all, dude, it's unbelievable how white and how Asian Irvine is. I don't understand why it's only white and Asian, but hey, look, it's all good.

White and Asians were at my show and there were very, very few others. And that's fine dude we're a melting pot even if we aren't with our skin we are with our minds because we have really great ideas and we love each other and there's no racism at my shows okay um but we we did irvine and guess what happened dude we did irvine i got out of Irvine late at night with my buddy CY, right? He's a great guy. Packed up the car, drove home, Saturday night, ended the shows.

It was about 11.30, right? Fucking started the car. You know, it's real throaty, right? Like my shit is just so throaty, it's crazy. You know what I'm saying? I, right? Like my shit is just so throaty. It's crazy. You know what I'm saying? I know I have a car that isn't so throaty, but that's by design, right? Because it's a little eco-friendly. But I've also, I took the throaty mobile, didn't I?

This time I took the throaty mobile and it looks, you know, it's nice. It's sleek. It's black. And it was super clean today too. Plus I got the clear bra. Fuck. And it's not so eco-friendly, but it's black on black on black oh my god dude and it's low how low is it it's practically underground dude is this what the fuck did we start digging when we're sitting in the car we look at each other we go did we

start digging why because are we underground no and then I started up and you go, does this car have a neck? And we say, why? And then somebody in the back says, because it sure sounds throaty. I started up and it goes, right? And all of a sudden someone's like, who fucking invited the Rough Riders right now? So I pull out, okay? I pull out of the Irvine Improv and I do, right now so i pull out okay i pull out of the irvine improv and i do right and i'm fucking you know what i mean like the back tires have to catch up to the front because that's just how i drive right when i pull out of a good weekend and so i pull out and i go the wrong way because no matter what i do no matter how many times i play irvine improv at the irvine spectrum no matter what when i pull out ivine improv at the Irvine spectrum, no matter what,

when I pull out, I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where the five freeway is. I don't know where the five freeway is. And when I get off the five freeway and when I get to the Irvine spectrum, I don't know where the Irvine improv is. So I'm fucking traveling around trying to find the shit, right? So I get out the Irvine improv and I fucking right and i'm trying my back wheels are trying to catch up to my front wheels right and the car is acting real throaty you know we're above some

shoulders in this bitch and so i go the wrong way i realize i go the wrong way because i click it into the fucking what do you call it um what do you call it? The fucking navigation. Now, guess what we do know, okay? Spoiler alert, navigation systems. When a car's real throaty, navigation systems and the fucking, and the technology inside the car, when a car happens to be throaty as shit, the technology in the car takes a backseat, right? Because these cars are known for being throaty, okay? So when you start a car, the louder it goes,

the more loss you might end up getting because the technology isn't there. And that's fine because we got the technology in the other car with the bloody guts, okay? So I go the wrong way. I'm throaty all over and trying to get to the five. I got to take a U-turn. And guess what your boy does in the throat mobile?

Guess what your boy does in the throat mobile? He doesn't fucking, he, right? Like, especially late at night when no one's around, if a red light is a red light, especially if it's an arrow, he kind of disobeys it and he just keeps going, right? Because nobody's around. And it's not even a true red light. It's one of those arrow red lights, which is kind of bitch. They're kind of bullshit, right? Because you should know when you're able to take

a left or not right i don't need the fucking whoever operates traffic lights like the government telling me you know so i have to take a u-turn i make an illegal u-turn and all of a sudden behind me it's christmas it's christmas dude twinkle twinkle behind me i see and i don't feel anything man i don't feel anything i don't think it's because i'm a sociopath but it's because i'm i haven't got a ticket in a while right now i don't know if you know this about me but in my early 20s to my late 20s i would get a ticket almost almost every two months and it wasn't because i was speeding sometimes it was because i was speeding but sometimes it was because I was doing something stupid like texting with my phone or doing an illegal U-turn or something. Drifting.

I would drift a lot, dude. I drift so much because I drive a lot of late at night shit and, you know, you're not going to hit another car. So I drift, right? It was Tokyo Drift, but very, very slowly for me, right? I wouldn't go very fast, but I would drift in and out like I was just kind of like getting to the racetrack. Tokyo Drift on the way to the racetrack. So I got lots of tickets. In fact, I got so many tickets and I would pay them all and I would never go to court because I'm not going to do that, right?

I would just pay the ticket. And then what would happen was one time I found out that my license was suspended, but I found out it was suspended for six months, but I found out seven months later. So a month before that it had been reinstated and I had no fucking idea, dude! Dude, I had no idea I didn't have a license for six months and I was STILL fucking keeping it! I was still in my car! I was still in my car driving to different places, dude! I had no fucking idea! If I got pulled over I would have been cuffed up, dude, and walked away! fucking idea if I got pulled over I would have been cuffed up dude and walked away I had no idea I didn't have a license but I kept driving anyway and thank god I didn't get pulled over that boy but anyway I get pulled over again now I don't feel any type of way about this maybe like 30 because I'm a sociopath but also 30 because I know I haven't gotten a ticket in a

while and they're not going to revoke my license and I've also got a thing in the back of my head well when this guy pulls me over I wonder if he he's going to be a nice cop. Cause I'm super nice when the cops show up, right? I'm super nice. I don't say shit like, yeah, officer. I say, Hey man, I'm sorry, dude. So the guy rolls up and I say to see why I say roll down the window because they fucking it's tinted. I don't want to get a picture for that. You know, I got to keep it tinted. It's a throat mobile. Right. So, so the cop shows up and he says, he leans in and he leans in and he takes a few extra seconds to even talk. So I'm like, oh shit, I have no idea what's going on.

Right. Like usually they come up and they're like license and registrations or like, Hey, do you have any idea what you were doing? He shows up and he waits a few seconds. And he says... Is this the Bloody Guts mobile? The O.C.P.D. There's some babies. We've got some blue babies out there near the beach.

Shit. Guess what? It's Sergeant Baby in it. Oh, God. It's Sergeant Elder Baby in it. Oh. god it's sergeant elder baby isn't it oh he says is this the bloody guts mobile and then i go like this ah get out of here man and he says yeah man i said no get out of here really you know my shit and he said i was at the show on thursday oh god he saw me level a room two nights before i wanted to be like one of the people that stood up afterwards so that's what he says and i say oh man and i fucking felt bad i felt

extra bad i really did i felt extra bad because he now is obviously in this position where it's like shit if he's gonna give me a ticket he's obviously gonna feel bad because he likes my comedy and shit so i said to him right there i said listen man i understand if you gotta give me a ticket i know i did an illegal u-turn and it was bullshit and it was wrong and i'm sorry and he said you know what and he looks out and he's like i'm actually on my way to another call so just keep it safe huh and i said okay And I said, okay. In the throat mobile, dude. Fuck yeah, man.

Yes, got out of that one, dude. It's the only time it ever worked. And then guess what guess what dude i'm coming back from the coffee bean today oh is this is this what i think it is chris yeah yeah it is guys i'm coming back from the coffee bean today and i'm fucking driving next to three cop cars now why are they in a row i don't know but the thing about cops being in a row is you know that they're not going to pull you over because they feel badass driving together okay so i'm driving next to the cop car and I'm doing the thing where I'm like, well, look, you know, I don't know if I don't want to speed. I don't want to go too slow. Right. Because I don't want him to. Cause one time a cop pulled me over for driving gingerly. He

said, Hey, do you know why I pulled over? I said, no. He said, well, you were driving rather gingerly. And then I was in my head. I was thinking, oh, that's okay. Isn't, isn't it? And then I thought maybe it's not. And then I actually thought, do I even know what gingerly means? Like I had no fucking idea what was happening. And he said, no, it's okay. I just had to, I just thought you were driving too well that maybe you seem to be overcompensating because you were drunk driving. And I was like, hey cop, what the fuck is this shit? I'm driving good. Don't pull me over. Anyway, it was fine. Didn't get a ticket. Wasn't drunk and was just driving gingerly. And so, um, this cop is driving next to me and I'm not going too fast, too slow. I don't even know what the speed limit is. Cause I never know what the fucking speed limit is. Right. Who the fuck ever knows what the speed limit is unless they're

looking at a sign. I'm like, is it 35? Maybe I have no idea. I was on sunset Boulevard. I don't know what the speed limit is. Speed limit on Sunset Boulevard could literally be 25 miles an hour. It could be 70 miles an hour. I have no idea. So he's driving next to me. I roll the windows down. Why? Because you know one thing about my cars, to be true is, I've got the fucking windows blacked out because I don't want people to see that my car happens to be on its period.

Okay? To see that my car happens to be on its period. Okay. But I rolled down the windows. Because this cop needs to know. That my shit isn't blacked out. Because if he pulls me over. I could get a ticket for my windows being blacked out.

By the way. I know the OC cop is fucking listening. About how my windows are tinted. Sorry. Right. I know you pulled me over. And you fucking know about the bloody guts mobile and i know my winded now you know my windows are tinted even though they were they were open sorry right but um so uh so this so the windows are open and the and the cops windows are open so now

he's driving alongside with me and i'm driving the same rate of what i think the speed limit is and so is he because he's a cop and he's a good guy. And he's trying to obey all the laws because he's a cop. Because everybody knows that cops only always obey the laws. Right? So I'm driving next to him. And then I slow down because there's a red light. But he's got the right signal to go right.

And I know he doesn't have to slow down because he's going right and i do have to slow down but guess what he does he slows down with me so now i'm like shit man what the fuck did the oc cop call him and say he should have given him a ticket and now he's gonna do some shit with me but he slows down and he says hey and i look over and it's like a 48 year old cop or something and we're still driving we're not even stopped yet. And he says, just want to let you know, man, Topher from Workaholics is my favorite character.

Dude, I loved it, man. I've gone to see you a few times and I'm just such a huge fan. And I'm like, really, man? Thanks so much. I don't know if you know this, but I got fans from OC to LA in blue.

Throatmobile, dude. But that one was eco-friendly, right? Because I had the bloody guts. But unreal, dude. The fucking boys in blue. Back me up. And we love it. Jesus Christ christ if we have a problem with our house we'll call them up you know what i mean if someone's trying to break in we'll fucking

do it how fucking legit that was legitness fuck yeah dude but let me go back to the beginning man i feel gratitude dude i really do i feel gratitude i know right now i'm talking about my throat mobile and shit but that's the dumbest thing i have ever fucking said dude wow throat mobile is fucking awesome dude hop on in a throat dude imagine you were single and you were driving by a club late at night and there were these fucking birds just trying to get in, right? Like these hens just clocking at the front door, just trying to get in, talking to the fucking security, just balk-ba-gawing it up. You know what I mean? Just out there fucking with, just out there with the fucking troop, right? With the fucking balk-ba-gaw-gawk to the fucking security and they're checking the list right the dude's out there and they're just

right and then fucking you throw up in that fucking shit that seems underground oh my god and you say sweetheart and they turn And you say, want to take a ride in the throat mobile? And then when they go, what? You don't even hear them because you're revving it up. And then the back wheels got to catch up to the front. Dude, fuck yeah. He's got the boys in blue backing him up. Fuck yeah, he's got the boys in blue backing him up.

So let me go back, though. I do feel gratitude, right? And I know that so far this podcast has been the opposite of gratitude, but I want to tell you right now. Yes, I do feel gratitude, man, to all the people that came out in Irvine and everybody that supports me. Dude, and I know, and you man, to all the people that came out in Irvine and everybody that supports me, dude. And I know, and you know, the numbers in this podcast, they keep fucking rising. And, you know, I joke around about stacking money into a pyramid to touch the sky, but I want to let you know that you guys actually touch me in my soul. You really do.

Just knowing that you're sitting there listening to me. And I know sometimes you either tweet out my podcast or tell people to listen to it because we're doing the cults work, right? We're making sure that one day we will be in that tall grass sharing ideas in a log cabin and fucking, you know what I mean? Like making sure that we are this healthy,

uh, living, breathing, connected cult, right? And I just, I appreciate you guys, man. I really do. just i appreciate you guys man i really do i really appreciate you guys and i appreciate all the comics that fucking came out on the shows

i had such a great time i had a great time um so that's gratitude dude yeah i really am i really am grateful i really am grateful that you guys you know are with me and you listen to this podcast and you listen to the new podcast lifeline with my brother and i'm grateful for my brother dude i love it i love life but who gets pulled over twice and doesn't get a ticket you know what i'm talking about how about this fucking will smith band dude this is the most hilarious fucking thing by the way the The Will Smith ban. Like, the Will Smith... Alright, we've talked about this already. I don't want to get too into it, right?

In the last podcast I did about the fucking Will Smith smack, how Will Smith smacked Chris Rock. Yeah, it wasn't fucking stupid numbers, right? But it's all good. But now there's an update. Will Smith is banned from going to... This was the... So he resigned from the Academy, right? Which is fine.

And he kind of like did the Eminem in eight mile where he did the thing against him before the Academy could do the thing against him. You know what I'm talking about? Like he was like, all right, I'll resign. And that was when Eminem went up and was talking about the first, you know, at the end of eight mile when he was like, yeah, you fucked my girl, but I'm still here screaming, fuck the fuck the world or whatever the fucking, whatever that group is called the new world or the free world. I can't remember. But, um, and then the guy couldn't freestyle back. Right. And, uh, because there was nothing else to say and Eminem just shut him down but that's kind of what Will Smith did by resigning from the academy because he's like look I'm gonna I'm gonna resign and that's

gonna be my punishment and if you guys are gonna punish me also fine right but he took the narrative and the strength right there by resigning himself from the academy And then the Oscars, I'm going to say this. So this is what happened. The Oscars banned him from going to the award show for 10 years. All right. Now, when I read that,

I'm like, Oh, he can't get an Oscar for, for 10 years. And he can't, you know, be up for an Oscar for 10 years. And the answer to that is no,

he can still win an Oscar. He just can't go to the award show. So I'm like Oscars, that's not a punishment. That's a reward. He can win an Oscar and he won't, and he now won't look like a dick, not even going going to the oscars is the worst part of the oscars i have friends that have been i have you know i i've never been obviously even though i'm fucking a cray even though i can knock my way out with a fucking you know a jail cell right i don't even need keys i don't need what, what'd you put me in here for, I'm not supposed to be in here, oh, I thought this was Chris D'Elia, but he seems to be British, can you let me out, I've got, you got, it's a simple case of mistaken identity,

oh, well, and just act my way out, dude, throat mobiles waiting outside, and so, yeah, dude, so they said, oh, you can't come for 10 years dude that right at the peak of when the oscars is the worst fucking it's ever been at the peak of the fucking hollywood and the oscars is the worst it's ever been and now they're like yeah you can still get nominated and get all the accolades and you can drive your price up as an actor, but you don't have to come to this fucking stupid party. Dude, that's a favor.

You gave Will Smith a favor. Dude, if I was Will Smith, I'd go, oh, that's good. That's it. That's amazing. I don't have to go to this bullshit thing and watch Amy fucking Schumer host it. Fucking terrible hosts host this shit. That's the best part about the thing. As a matter of fact, if I knew that that was the punishment as Will Smith, not only would

I have slapped Chris Rock, I would have went down the front row and just slapped everybody. 20 years, 30 years, 40 years. How long do you guys think I'll live? Hey, 50 years just for good measure. I'm pretty healthy, huh? 60 years just for good measure. I won't live to be 130, but just in case. Fucking smack Francis McDormand.

70 years just to make it just for good measure. For good measure. Just down the rows. For good measure. For good measure. Sm measure just down the row down the rows for good measure for good measure smacking everyone gary oldman for good measure francis mcdormand for good measure brad pitt for good measure the deaf guy from that show the good measure the guy who won the deaf guy he wouldn't even hear it coming you know what I mean Wow look at this

Let's do some missed connections Let's do them early this time Miss my married musician and lawyer Miss my married musician and lawyer Well that That means one thing that guy's unsuccessful at definitely one of those jobs you know you can't be you can't be a lawyer a successful lawyer and a successful musician you know it's just impossible it's too hard to be really good at one of those things to be both of them used to meet up and i have a way with my hands and quite a mouth on me

wow i never made you angry well that's a weird thing to fucking lead with if this piques your interest get back to me with news about you and your interests dude i never made you angry i guess that's like saying i'm not i ain't mad at you you know meaning I like it. Oh, here's a fucking hell of a, hell of a title. Curious trumpet mates. Curious trumpet player would be down to jam. Oh, so not sexual at all.

Imagine you were like, fuck yeah, I'm gonna suck some guy's dick. And then you show up and the guy opens the door with a trumpet and he's just like, um, and you're like, hi, yeah, I'm here to get, I'm here to suck some cock, and the guy's just like, um, um, what, okay, come on in, fucking slobbing on his knobblies, best of both worlds, dude, um, here's another one, wow, so fucking, uh, nondescriptive, nondescript, Burbank meetings, just Burbank meetings, that sounds like a fucking, that would be a book of short stories that you'd have to read in fucking ninth grade, whenever there was an urge, we used to meet at your place in burbank god burbank is a sexy goddamn place isn't it for real it's so like out of la but also what the fuck goes on in burbank for those of you that don't know burbank is about 15 minutes away from hollywood and it's like a lot of families and shit but also like guys and women who are like single that are like

that are like 40 and like people live there because they can't afford it in Hollywood. And it's like, what are they doing? I bet the underbelly of fucking Burbank is just, they got to do a lot of math. I don't know if it's math or what, but whenever there was an urge, we used to meet at your place in Burbank.

I always lubricated your tools. Wow. Haven't heard from you in over a year. You had a couple of dogs, if I remember correctly. Hit me. I mean, how long ago was it? How do you not remember? I have a bad memory. Did I write this? Hit me up and I will be happy to bring WD-40 to loosen your rusted nuts and bolts. You know, dude, just say yes or don't. We get it already. already you know you don't really need to add the wd-40 part it got so specific it's like an r&b song like so specific r&b got so specific

i want to put my outsides on your insides like i that would for sure be is that how is that not an r&b song by d'angelo i wanna put my outsides on your insides baby i wanna put my fucking outside i wanna put the outside of my cock in the inside of your pussy just oh my, this part, and I'll be happy to bring my WD-40 to loosen your rusted nuts and bolts. It's just shitty to call them rusted. Here's another one. O's cereal. Glendora. Have you tried O's cereal?

Free your mind. Wow. Wow. Wow already. It will bring you to the edge again and again until the final x oh explosion but it's spelled e-x-l-p-o-s-h-u-n explosion that's like how calvin would say explosion feel the vibe and let your journey To new flavor sensations begin Dude this guy fucking sucks

Let me show you the way Just relax and let sensation Take you away sensation I'll do all the work while you enjoy This cereal is for women This is like Morpheus retired and became a fucking perv The cereal Dude

At the end This cereal is for women only. Dude, just dudes showing up with a trumpet. Hey, I'm here for trumpet lessons and also that cereal. No, it's for women only and you didn't get my thing about the trumpet. I want it to suck cock. Dude, have you tried o's cereal free your mind it will bring you to the edge again and again until the final explosion

feel the vibe and let your journey to new flavors why is flavor i guess you're sucking oh yeah because you're eating the cereal flavor sensations begin let me show you the way. Just relax. This is Morpheus, dude. Let me show you the way. Just relax and let the sensation take you away. I'll do the work while you enjoy. This cereal is for women only. These are good, dude.

Female college student i'm looking for an adventurous female 18 to 22 who would like to earn an easy 50 bucks by selling me the panties you're wearing meet up at public location for exchange okay perv um here's another one i saw you it's great that mom grandmom auntie i saw you and i want to get to know more of you. Let's get together and stoke those fires between those legs. Dude. You know, stoke those fires between those legs. Dude, so fucking, I love how he says those twice to put himself at a distance from him. You know what I mean?

Like what a creep. Let's stoke those fires between those legs. I love how he says those twice to put himself at a distance from him. You know what I mean? Like, what a creep. Let's stoke those fires between those legs. Eh? Suh? Dad died early. Dude, one thing you know about this guy is dad died before fucking seven years old. You don't grow up that fucked up and put sex at an arm's length by saying those fires between

those legs unless your dad died before he won seven. Han Kachams. Wow. Whatever. It's what it is, I'm going to go pee,

I'll be right back, dude, my son, was like, missed a nap, yesterday, and it fucked him up, completely,

although, he's never fucked up, his sleeping pattern, really, and he missed a nap, the other day, and then, all of a sudden,

at like 7.30, usually goes to bed, at like 8, but he all of a sudden at like 7 30 usually usually goes to bed at like 8 but he went to bed but like 7 15 he was like eating turkey mustard which is his favorite thing to eat he's always just like dirty mouth dude dirty mouth dude and i'm just like fucking he said it so many times how come he can't say turkey mustard yet but he says dirty mouth dude and he was eating it and then all of a sudden he goes, Peppa pig. Like he fucking loves Peppa pig, dude. The guy loves Peppa pig. And I'm a little bit like, what can we watch paw patrol? You know what I mean? Cause like you're a dude, but also I don't want to be that kind of overbearing. Like, dude, if my son is just going to fucking like chick shows and he's

going to like chick shows and you know what? That's fucking fine. Okay. So he's watching, he's like Peppa pig, Peppa pig. And then, so I'm like, all right, well, we're not going to watch Peppa Pig, right? Because I had to watch something to see a cut of something that I was going to put out. And he was like, I don't watch Peppa Pig. And then I was like, hey, Calvin, look at me. And he looks at me with turkey mustard all over his face. And I said, we're actually not going to watch Peppa Pig right now. And he goes like this, Peppa Pig, and just starts crying, right now And he goes like this Peppa Pig And just starts crying right And Kristen's like oh you got to go to bed right

And I said do you want to go to your big boy bed Because that's what we call it now because he doesn't have the crib He's got that front exposed And I said you want to go to your big boy bed And he goes like this Yeah big boy bed And so it was so cute so we took him up And he went to bed And then i'm fucking i'm down

in my um you know we get the nanit on our phone and the phone like will alert us when calvin wakes up but kristen's upstairs trying to go to sleep and i'm downstairs watching some crazy like uh unsolved mysteries type shit like of people who like something from the black dahlia and then another dude who tried to kill somebody in New Orleans. Like it was like a series or something on Hulu. I watched Hulu

because Netflix cut me out of a bunch of shit. And so I was watching that downstairs and all of a sudden above the fucking, above me, which is Calvin's room, I hear gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong.

And I'm like, is the Black Dahlia upstairs? And I'm all, you know, I know it's not, but I'm scared. Right. So I look in the Nana, I look in the Nana. It didn't alert me, but I look in the Nana and Calvin just like, and he's crying. I'm like this motherfucker. What's up with his sleep?

So I walk into the room. You know, he's been crying for like 20, 30 minutes now. So I walk into the room and i say hey buddy and he goes and i'm like oh come here and i sit down next to the fucking crib and i look at him not the crib the big boy bed and i look at him and he says and i say do you want to go see peace again you want to lay down and he goes like this yeah and he goes and he goes to lay down and then he pops right back up and he goes i know and i say do you want to go to mama dada's goes and he goes to lay down And then he pops right back up And he goes And I say do you want to go to mama Dada's bed and he just goes like this

And falls on me And I grab him and I say okay And I bring him in and in the meantime Kristen has no idea And I bring him in And she's looking at me and I say hey mama And she says oh my god what's going on And I said Calvin's not going to sleep he's crying and shit And she's like oh how come the nana going on? I said, Calvin's not going to sleep. He's crying and shit.

And she's like, oh, how come the Nana didn't alert us? I said, I don't know, man. I don't think it has anything to do with the Black Dahlia, but let's bring him in the bed. So we bring him in the bed. And he stayed with us for like a fucking hour until Kristen was like, hey. I said, yeah. She said, can you bring him back? I can't sleep.

And I brought him back. And then he fucking stayed in the bed and he passed the fuck out, dude. And it was so sweet, man. Because I was laying with him and he was just looking at me. And when I was looking at him looking at me, he looked like me so fucking much because he was just like staring and I was staring back. And I was looking at him and I was like, fuck, he looks like me, dude. And then I was thinking I probably look like me even more than that like right now because I'm doing the same eyes thing. him more than that like right now because i'm doing the same eyes thing like he looked at me so much but i fucking trumped him with how much he looked like me that i fucking was like you know and i was like how much do we both look like each other right now and it was so cute man and then

he just goes like this for no reason and points to the ceiling and then i like put my hand on him and then he goes like this to my hand and takes my hand off it and and I'm like, okay, okay, what the fuck does he want, you know, but it was a beautiful thing, man, I love having a son, I love having this fucking, this baby's so, so awesome, and then he was in the other room, and I said, today, I was like, Calvin, come here, Calvin, come here, and I said, what are you doing, and he's like, playing with the yacht, playing with the water, I said, well, come here, show me, and then Christopher was like, He's like playing with the yacht, playing with the water.

I said, well, come here, show me. And then Christopher was like, I don't think he wants to come. Boiling rage, all good, but boiling rage. But she's right though, because I shouldn't force him to do anything, but also boiling rage, right? Boiling rage because my dad would have been like,

yeah, but fucking, I want him to come here and I'm his dad. So boiling rage, but also deep seated issues with my dad, but also boiling rage because a woman's telling me what to do. Right. So, so many boiling rages going on, but it's fine.

I let it go. Gratitude. I've got a throat mobile and it's all good. So, um, let's look at this clip. This clip was sent to me in my discord. So many Franken times that it's unbelievable.

The discord on my Patreon sent me this link a lot. I get a lot of messages that want me to watch this video on my Patreon Sent me this link a lot I get a lot of messages that want me to watch this video On my Patreon And I think I've seen it before This guy's getting arrested Oh it's all Australian Speaking in rewind Oh, so Australian. Sit in and saw the car. Speaking in rewind.

Sit in and saw the car. You blows no nose, nigga. You on kajams. Dude, what is this guy getting arrested for? Do you know? Okay, tell me after. I'm under arrest. Look, I'm under what?

I mean, knows damn well. The only thing that comes fucking after under is either water or arrest. And this guy says, I'm under what? You're under arrest? A bunch of cops. I love when guys get so cloudy in their head because of anger that they don't know what they're saying. Like when Chris Rock got smacked by Will Smith and he said, we're here to present a documentary. I'm wonder what? Gentlemen, this is Democracy Matters. Oh, dude, to actually not be in a play and roll your R's like that

and not be Spanish is unreal. This is democracy. After that, they should have gave him extra years for real that's so cock to do that this is democracy dude what is this a fucking christmas carol are you screwed have a look at the headlock here worst fucking tutorial video fucking tutorial video. Get your hand off my penis! Oh my dude!

Cop grabbing a feel. Get your hand off my penis! Ha ha ha! Dude! Wow. You know? Definitely didn't honk his dick.

Cop just down there. Get him in the car. Get him in the fucking car. Get him in the car. Get him in the car. just down there Get him in the car Get him in the car Get him in the car Come on man get him in the car The bloke who got me on the penis Got me on the penis dude Oh it got me Oh it just got me on the penis

Oh yeah that cop Just got me on the penis. Oh, yeah, that just got me on the penis. See that chap over there? Get your hand off my penis! This is the bloke who got me on the penis, people. Singing, dude. A musical. This is the man that got me on the penis. Singing, dude.

Why is he... Have a look at the headlock here. Not a headlock. Get your hand off my penis! This is the bloke who got me on the penis before. Why did you do this to me? For what reason? What is the charge?

Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal? Dude singing! What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal? You just crowd my penis, people. Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir.

Oh, I see. How much did you get the worst breath? I see that you know your judo well. Singing. Good one. Not judo, dude. Are you waiting to receive my limp penis? Now, get your hands off me.

Dude, so proper. Tata! How he's going in. I mean, how come... Watch out, look. How come nobody is laughing? How is that possible? Get your hands off my penis.

I mean, this is fucking naked gun. Are you in there waiting to receive My limp penis I was eating a So many fucking adjectives That are like you know Dude also how strong Was he

19 cops That guy what was he on fucking PCP Get your hands off my Lampina What was he on fucking PCP Got charged hands off my What was he getting arrested for He would dine and dash Wow fucking really taking a stand What's the charge Bro who is this guy

This guy for sure Oh man oh my god Do you know who the guy is I want to fucking be best friends with the guy obviously he's dead because this was a while ago i want to be this guy's best friend dude how much melody was in that fucking oh my god this guy for sure did so many plays dining and dashing you know dining and dashing you know you just assured me that i could speak

wow dude gentlemen this is democracy fucking sean Connery Sean Connery get your hand off my penis Sean Connery in an orgy why did you do this to me get in the car what is the charge eating a meal

a succulent Chinese meal what if that was the charge sir you stand before the court charged with eating a succulent Chinese meal. Throw the book at him. No more eating succulent Chinese meals in Australia, sir. bail will be the district attorney receiving your limp penis.

Hey, guys, that's the end of the episode on YouTube. If you want to go catch the rest of the episode, the uncut episode, go to patreon.com and you can also get the backlogged episodes. There's like 13 of them by now. You can go listen to those. You can go binge those. Congratulations

at patreon.com slash chrisdalia. And we also have the segments that we do of review mode. Did some hot ones recently, and also you get behind-the-scenes footage of the With Chris videos. You know, our Patreon is pumping out uh content and we also got the discount uh the uh the discord where we chat and stuff every now and then anyway guys you guys are great either way I'm scared of fucking the fucking crowd I'm scared of fucking the fucking crowd I'm scared of fucking the fucking crowd