Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 247. Yucky

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week, Chris discusses bedtimes, run ins with the boys in blue, and Hanka Jaaammmmmssss. Plus Missed Connections! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Alright, here we go. We got it, we're live, we're running. We're not live, but it's live TV, whatever, what does it matter, you know. I'm doing this live because I'm alive, is basically what i mean and um another week happy easter everybody uh you know that was easter and my idiot ass fucking asked kristin if it was easter all over the world or just in america so she told me it was all over the world so i guess jesus is worldwide um go figure, man. Jesus is basically fucking, what's his name?

Pitbull. Yeah, Jesus is worldwide. Jesus. Coming back for that ass. Resurrected. I forgive your sins. Jesus is back with just sunglasses bald and shit um wearing a suit people no one would know would you know who would know mexicans would know uh mexicans would know

mostly because um of how mostly because of uh pitbull but even mostly because of jesus because nobody loves fucking jesus more than Mexicans but um except for Italians really well you know a lot of people love Jesus but whatever and white people down south it really depends um so it's another episode of congratulations and I got that oops merch on look I don't think I realized I didn't wear it for this um I haven't worn it yet wow I put the wrong shoulder up I haven't worn it yet um but this is the the wrong shoulder up. I haven't worn it yet. But this is the Oops merch. We got it on.

It's a t-shirt. I'm going to be, you can get that on chrisalea.com. I'm going to be bringing these t-shirts to Arizona. I'm going to be in Arizona April 30th. Get your tickets at chrisalea.com. Get your merch, chrisalea.com, and get your tickets to the second show in Arizona April 30th because the first one sold out. Yes, dude.

Johnny fills them seats. So that's what's up, man. So I'm going to be in, uh, Phoenix. You know, I never know whether to take fucking hoodies on the road. When I go out, when I do the road and I sell merch on the road, everyone's like, you got hoodies, but hoodies are big to pack. And I can't have a lot of them on the road. I can't have as many hoodies as t-shirts. So I bring t-shirts, but then Arizona's hot as shit, you know, it gets real hot. You go to Arizona and your fucking lips crack immediately because it's dry and hot as shit.

Doesn't matter what, uh, what month of the year it is, honestly. Well, I was in Arizona once and it was January and it was cold as shit, but guess what? Still dry. So no matter what your lips lips be cracking in Arizona, but I'll be in Arizona on April 30th, so get your tickets at crystalia.com.

Still tickets left on that second show. But yeah, I got the Oops merch on. And it was Easter, wasn't it? So Jesus was resurrected and he fucking died for our sins and then came back or something and he's also his dad or whatever it is. I don't know.

God is like the son of his son. I you know i don't know i'm not really religious i kind of checked out when fucking when i was at church when the just the singing is really boring you know i lose it whenever you're seeing it should be better right like you're talking and talking and like the priest was like, and then the, you know, then Jesus came down to the fucking well and he helped his brother Paul or something that wasn't really his brother, but everybody's brothers, right? Because we're brothers in the human race, but Paul was down in the well and then he gave, and then he, he helped him with a little plant that he needed, a fruit. He gave him one single peach and Paul made the peach last for nine years years like shit like that in a in a fucking in the bible the bible's always given they're always people are always given somebody one vegetable and it's lasting and he gave him one one of his crops and he and and and and john let the that crop lasted him and his family for 19 years.

Gave him an asparagus bushel, and it lasted John and his family for 19 years, and that's what the priest is saying, you know? And like, all right, it's kind of okay, and it's boring and shit, and you're obviously making all this shit up, or someone did, because also, who wrote the Bible?

You know what I'm talking about? Nobody knows. It's like, at least put John Grisham on the cover of it. John Grisham, dude. The writer of the fuck, and in his new, on the new Grisham novel, it would be from the writer of Rainmaker and the Bible. And it would still say Rainmaker first. That would be fucking awesome, dude. From the writer of Andromeda Strain and the Bible comes the firm to T.O.O. and and and then they

sing, dude. But when they sing, it's the only fucking speaker that when he starts singing, it's more boring, dude. You know, when David Gray is out there, he's just like, yeah, this next song reminds me of it. You're just like, get on with it. You know, he's like, I went through a breakup a long time ago. And you're like, yeah, this next song reminds me of it. You're just like, get on with it, you know? He's like, I went through a breakup a long time ago. And you're like, yeah, okay, get on. You're in the fucking third row. Just get on with it, though. And this is it.

Leave me all in. Leave me all in. Leave me all in. Babylon. And that's when you're activated, right? But in a fucking church, in the Catholic church, he's the only guy who gets more boring when he sings. And then Jesus goes down to the well and gives him a bushel of asparagus.

And you're just like, wake me the fuck. Is he trying to put me to sleep, dude? Dude, any song that's a hymn is boring as shit. dude dude any song that's a hymn is boring as shit dude if you want to make a fucking song way more boring hymn it up also the it's annoying there's an n in there too like songs are supposed to make the shit better Endeavor, Endeavor. So boring to add the Endeavor, Endeavor. Just, he did it all the time. He did it forever.

And that's it. Did he also do it Endeavor? Yeah, because it's in the first forever, dude. Don't make me be redundant. It's in the first forever, dude. Don't make me be redundant. And Jesus came down to the desert and gave Mary a sheep. And she made that sheep last for 12 years.

Just her and her family eating that sheep. Dude, everyone's just in the fucking church, in the pews, just, anyway, so let me, please open up your books, what's that, oh, he's talking again, oh, good, that got boring as shit, what was it, what page, open up your pages, fucking way too long, open up your book to page 398012, what, how fucking, putting it on the thing okay opening it up like this and the fucking tassel out of it so you get the bookmark and then the tray come fucking smacks you in the head give us give us some dollars please man this is boring as fuck dude it's the whole point uh just you know at least with the fucking muslims they they get on the ground and you understand, like, they're kneeling and shit. They got to pray five times a day and it's like, oh, okay.

Then at least it's like kind of in a way like, you know, you're saying, yeah, this isn't supposed to be fun. But like Catholic Church, either make it less fun or more fun, dude. It's like just boring. It's worse. Make it worse or better. You know, it's like you either like me or you don't, you know what I'm talking about? Like people either, they're on board with my shit. You're a part of this cult or they're just like, fuck that guy. He's too aggressive. He yells a lot. I don't like him at all. He makes no sense. He's too silly. Then you're just not on board, but like make it more,

I guess what I'm saying is be more memorable, right? The Catholic church just, they need some fucking PR or some shit. Get me in there with my oops merch out there. Fucking oops. Imagine me out fucking the oops. You're too boring. Yay. In the back pew. Yay. Get some cushions on these motherfuckers. Yay. I'm the only guy taking money from the fucking plate. They did that big ass basket and I'm taking money. Is this how much can we take? No, it's for, it's for, it's for donations. Ah, Aren't you guys the richest organization because it's fucking religion? Don't you have money forever and ever? Dude, imagine if I was a priest

and I was up there doing it like that. Wow, man. I was never an altar boy. And I did the Catholic church and they would fucking, and they were like, do you want to be an altar boy? And I was like, are you kidding me, dude?

Even like as a kid, I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. But what about getting closer to God? All right, dude. Look, if you're, if you're in your teens and you're getting closer to God, cause you want to go on a fucking ski trip and it's a religious ski trip or whatever. I did that. We went to a fucking ski trip with like young life and it was, young life was uh this uh it's probably still around but

it's this religious organization and they would like try to trick you into becoming religion by fucking um by taking you to like on a on a ski trip once a year and they'd be like would you like to come to the fucking would you like to come to the ski trip and you'd be like, would you like to come to the fucking, would you like to come to the ski trip? And you'd be like, sure. And they'd be like, okay, but you know, a lot of God songs on the bus on the way there. And you're like, oh, well, okay. I like snowboarding, so fuck it.

And then on the, all the way up, it would be like, Jesus cares about you. He'd give you his last sandwich. Jesus cares about you. And then they would mix it in with like fucking, bye bye Miss American. Nothing is more white than that fucking song. I can't stand that song, dude. about you and then they would mix it in with like fucking uh bye bye miss american but nothing is more white than that fucking song i can't stand that song dude put the shabby to the levee and

the rams wouldn't dry and the good old boys singing whisking by this song i mean that song is for so for fucking 42 year old pasty white like chunky white dudes that have like fucking that that just go like this a lot dude classic and the good old boy just barbecuing with fucking pants and flip-flops on you know and so uh they tricked me into going to young life and then i didn't do young life anymore because i'm like i can't fucking sing How many times can we sing around in a circle, dude? So I did the fucking, I did that one ski trip. And then I took a few spills. And I was like, first of all, religion, it's too much for me. And then also skiing, coupling it with a sport that's just going to like, I got to get too much gear for it.

Do you know what I mean? Like I got to get too much gear for it. Do you know what I mean? Like it just, I got to like the fun part of skiing is like 2% of it. You're on the lift for forever and ever. Why would I want to do a sport where the fucking downtime is 80% of it? You're on a ski lift and they don't even go fast. And then you get to the skiing part and that's only 2% of it because you zip down the mountain and you're liable to hurt

yourself. And everyone's wearing bright clothes and it tricks you into liking it. No, I'm not into it, dude. And really the only good part is getting hot cocoa and that's the only fucking part really chicks like about skiing

Is being bundled up in the cabin So what that really means is they don't actually like skiing They just like being inside It's like when chicks say they love the rain But then what they actually do is just huddle up by the fire when it's raining out Cause that means that you actually don't like the rain if you're inside, bitch You don't even realize it You don't realize what you're saying oh

well the most annoying podcast of all time dude oh if you like the rain then go outside bitch and stand in it be it make it make it like that movie School Ties Um Yeah dude So I'm fucking you know That's why I'm not religious because I don't like skiing Um But yeah we did a fucking

Dude we would do prank calls I would call people and pretend I was the young life leader The young life leader talked like this I'm not going to tell you his name so you don't look him up on Instagram But I would go I would call people I would call friends and people who were in the young life uh young life because he would always say every time dude every time you'd see him like on campus dude who are these fucking guys they would just be like on the high school

campuses these fucking young life dudes they would just be like 32 and they'd just be like hey dude and the dude would always be like hey how's how's it going? Wow, I just enjoy your energy. You're just great, huh? Just always talking about like, ah, you just put a smile on everybody's face, don't you? And he would always say, you coming to young life tomorrow night? You coming to young life tomorrow night? You coming to young life tomorrow night? Dude, and I would just be like, I would call people up and I'd be like, hey, Michael, how's it going? Just wondering if you're coming to young life tomorrow night. And then I would do this one thing where i would call people i would call people

what an asshole i am i would call people collect calls from him and i would do that part too i would just i would do the whole thing i would be like i'm gonna make up his name so i don't say his real name but say his name was Michael Sebastian, right? So I would just be like, I would start it and I would say, you know how it goes? You know how I would say, you have a collect call from, and then so I would do, but first I would go with my mouth. I would go, wow, wow, wow, dude.

I would go. You have a collect call from Michael Sebastian. Press one to and then everyone knew Michael Sebastian. So that you'd hide here. I'd hear one and then I would say and then I would wait a little bit and I'd be like and I would go like this. Is it going? Hey, like cut it in like with my own voice. I'd be like it going.

Hey, thanks for accepting the charges. Listen, I was just wondering if you're coming to Young Life tomorrow night. And then they would be like, Why the fuck did you call me? Dude! And then I didn't realize how shitty it was because then fucking Michael Sebastian would come up to me and he'd be like,

Hey, you know, you got to stop calling people and ask them if they're coming to Young Life tomorrow night. Collect calls. Bro, but it was so funny to do it when you were 16. Wow, how fucking shitty is that to do now I realize? Wow. Yeah, you're coming to Young Life tomorrow night. Anyway, dude.

Wow, so bad. So anyway, I did that. Let's look at this Bad Church Singing compilation. I've always wanted to fucking out. Well, this next and final song is going to be one that has made me pretty famous over the last few years. Wow. First of all, Cincy, wiggling his feet. That's what happened.

Wiggling. Wiggling. A balloon flailing. A balloon. A balloon flailing. A balloon. A balloon, dude. Just all over the fucking... So bad. Wow, dude.

Oh, this shit, bro. I remember this one. No, no, dude. I remember this, dude. This was way back from E-Bomb's world. This was the shit, this one, bro. I remember this one. No, no, dude. I remember this, dude. This was way back from E-Bomb's world. This was the shit, this one, dude. Holy shit. This guy's so ill.

Oh, my God. Patrick Bateman. Has to return some videos after this. So fucking bitch. Dude, look at that house in the back. Wow. That is Christ in me. The renewed mind is the key to the power that we need.

Wow, the band's called The Present. The only way to be strong in victory. Oh, man. Wow. Oh, this was the guy who sings Oh, Amazing Grace, but he definitely has like Down syndrome or something, so we won't make fun of him. Oh, Amazing Grace. Dude, when I was doing, oh my God, when I did a fucking play, one time I did a play

or no, a musical. I do musicals, dude. I love musicals. I would do a musical now too, except for it gets in the way of standup, but I would do matinees up the fucking ass right now, dude. If somebody wanted to hire me for fucking damn Yankees, I would do damn Yankees Wednesdays and Sundays at fucking 1.30 PM, dude. And I would kill it. I would kill it. Motherfucker, I would do, forget it for real, I would. I would. I would just be like fucking, I would do Little Shop of Horrors. I put a sign up right in the front window,

advertisement right in front window, and all of a sudden success coming out of the blue. Mushnick and Son. Dude, I would kill it. I love musicals, but I did a musical called Me and My Girl when I was in high school and the guy who played one of the fucking, like the,

not the butler. I can't remember. He always, he was the family solicitor was the guy. I can't remember what his name was, but that was his job. I don't even know

what a family solicitor is, but dude, he had to sing this song. I'm the family solicitor and you know, to sing this song I'm the family solicitor and it would go, I'm the family solicitor. Dude, and he would always sing, I'm the family solicitor. Dude, and

we were all like, dude, he's saying family. I'm the family solicitor. And dude, one time the art teacher, the drama teacher just said, it's family. You're saying family. And dude, he was never the same since. Well, I'll never forget that.

The renewed mind is the key. The renewed mind is the key. Are there other good ones in here? I should probably do more, huh? I should probably do more here. A ghost. Falling. Falling.

All right. It's just a couple of, I mean, that guy's a balloon. So that's cool. That guy's a balloon. Good job, guys. So anyway, it was Easter. I hope you had a good Easter if you live in this world because it's worldwide. I don't know if you know that.

But yeah, it was Easter. Beautiful. And I sat outside a little bit. I sat outside. I was in the pool with my son. And I sat outside a little bit. And outside i was in the pool with my son and i sat outside a little bit and it was fucking amazing and uh somebody actually fucking asked me they said did you get some color now granted it went away since then but i think i still have a little bit of color maybe even a little bit but it went away since then it was a little bit more tan and i was like yes i yes i did dude yes i did dude calvin watches this video that goes um it's like it's this

dude kids videos are just so it's like i know they're for kids but also like i don't want my kid to be in to grow up and be like like you have to make sure to watch the right video for the right age group right because like you want to develop, but you don't want him to, you don't want to like dumb him down and shit. Like, like Coco Melon, forget it, dude. I think they're trying to start a fucking cult, like a zombie cult. It's so, so, so creepy.

Coco Melon and shit, like the dads are so dumb, you know? And, and they're very creepy, um, with big eyes and shit, but the, but but but there's one that but but also you don't want like so you don't want to dumb the kid up right like how long can he watch coco melon like it's fine if you're five months old but my son's two already and like he can kind of talk so i don't want my son growing up to be thinking that like i don't want him watching coco melon because it's dumb as fuck but so he watches this one because he was learning about foods and shit.

And it's just like, it'll be like, do you like donuts? And then it'll go, yes, I do. Do you like? And then it'll say something like, do you like juice? Yes, I do. And then it'll go, and then it'll say, do you like, do you like donut juice? And then it'll go, no, I don't. Yucky.

And, and it's, and dude, it's so dumb and I'm watching it. And if I just like take my son out of it, I'm like, I can't believe I'm watching this shit. But then when Calvin will be walking around around the house he'll see something like the like that he doesn't want there like if there's a nail clipper on a couch there's a nail clipper on the other couch the other day and picked it up and he just throws it away off of the couch and he says no i don't yucky and i'm like wow that is the fucking cutest shit it's the cutest shit but we all have this fucking stuck in our head me kristin and the and the nanny and my assistant we're all walking around the house just like do you like yes I do so we're watching this fucking show the other day which is called servant which oh my god dude first of all don't watch this if you have a newborn I watched

it and it's it's so good I don't know what's up with M. Night Shyamalan, but he is such a good writer, but then he'll make the fucking worst movies. And those are my favorite people. If you listen to Congratulations, you know those are my favorite people. The people who fucking hit and miss. I don't like people who just make good shit or just make bad shit.

I like when you make the best shit and also the most terrible shit. Those are my favorite kind of people because that means you're taking risks, right? And M. Night Shyamalan. Oh, he'd be taking some risks. And this movie or this Apple TV show Servant is so good. It's so good.

And you don't know what's going on at all. And you know how like some shows, like a few episodes will go by and you'll be like, okay, I'm figuring it out. Dude, that just straight up doesn't happen. I'm in fucking season three. I don't know what's going on, dude. Still. Do you know how hard it is to keep that tonally moving in a horror movie and keeping it fucked, keeping people along for the ride?

And I still don't know where I'm going. Imagine taking a road trip and you're just like, yeah, no, I don't know where we're going. We just passed Austin. We came from LA. We just passed austin we came from la we just passed austin and the driver's like yeah but dude m. night shamalan's in the driver's seat trust me i don't know where we're going i know i know where we're going trust me you're not gonna know for until we get there and you're just like but it's been fucking days dude that's what it is right now i'm on season two i have no idea what's going on and i'm still involved

this show's really good but it's about a mother who uh their their newborn their newborn dies and it's just like dude i couldn't i i could barely get through it it was really it's really fucked up now that i'm a dad watching this shit it's really hard to watch and uh the dad is a chef and um he is experimenting with these flavors and shit. And he makes lobster ice cream. And, dude, we were all watching the show. And then once he made lobster ice cream, I was like, do you like lobster ice cream? And we all fucking laughed, dude. And guess what, man?

That's the fucking end of the story. Yes, dude. Told the whole fucking thing about serving just to fucking tell that party yes dude you're on board we love it we love it dude and i don't even have my key map open so i couldn't do the renter's thing yes dude he haphazardly does this podcast fucking but that's it dude you're raw and uncut oh really am i yes you are dalia he's raw and uncut you ever hear about dalia what about him he's raw and uncut well what what do about D'Elia? What about him? He's raw and uncut. Well, what do you mean? Dude, he didn't even open the key map in his fucking last podcast

and he couldn't do the Renner sting while he was telling the story. That didn't matter. Are you fucking kidding me? He did? Yep. Oh my. Oh, he does do that? Yep. He does. But what did he talk about? Dude, he talked about fucking church and singing in church and

also the show Servant and he talked about it for too long in church and also the show Servant. And he talked about it for too long. Really? How long? 25 minutes. He did? How come? Because he's that raw and uncut.

Are you serious? Yes. Oh, thank God there's a podcast like that out there. Is this the guy with the car with the car with the bloody guts? Yes. Yes. Oh my God. Wow.

That's crazy. Insane, dude. There it is. And it's too low, but it's wrong. I'm cut. We hit it twice. The second one's louder. Yes, dude.

We have a good time here at congratulations. We enjoy you. If you're on the Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D chris talia uh again i'll be in fucking phoenix i'm bro april 30th dude we were i stayed watching tv this fucking week i didn't really do much shit man i did shows i did lots of shows but i didn't really during the daytime i was you ever have those days every day you're just like man i really gotta start working out and you don't like yeah sure i break strong guys hearts and i do a lot of body weight stuff but i gotta get to the gym right and it's just like okay every day i'm like i gotta stop eating like shit and then i just fucking late at night get that coffee ice cream. Oh, he'll take his coffee creamed too? Yep, he will. Are you serious?

Yep. That D'Elia kid? Wow. I was tired. I had an early morning, and for me, that means 930k. Judge me, don't give a fuck, but I had an earlier moment, earlier morning, and so i had a show it was um friday night 10 o'clock show 7 30 i'm feeling tired so i'm like look my show's not until fucking two and a half hours and i'm not even going on first i'm going on at like 11 something so i got three and a half hours. So I'm on the couch. So you know what I do? Give up, right? I don't actively go to sleep, but I do that thing where I'm like, I'm on the couch and I'm not going to move. I guess your boy's just given up for a few hours. Okay.

So my eyes get the notice. Okay. My breathing gets the message. It slows down. My eyes go to half mass. And then my eyes go fully closed. So my whole body goes like this. Check you later.

My body is in a wrestling match with staying awake. And he just gives up. Okay, he forfeits. My whole shit forfeited and knew it was going to be okay. That's really when you can forfeit, right? You can't really forfeit when you know you got shit to do.

But I knew I didn't have shit to do for like four hours. So my body goes, hey, you handle this other guys. I'll be asleep. So I checked out and I wake up at about nine. And when I wake up, I'm out of sorts, dude.

I am out of sorts. I'm one of those waking up thinking, it's not even what day is it? It's what planet am I on? What day is it on this, on what planet is it? It's what planet am I on? What day, what day is it on this, on what planet is it? What day is it? Is it like, I could be like, is it Tuesday? And somebody be like, no, it's actually Bond day. This is the planet of Uranus. And these are the days for us. And I'm just like, oh, okay, well, shit. How do I get back to Earth, and what day is it there? Like, that's where I am. I'm just out to lunch on a different planet. I'm getting served all sorts of delicacies, and when they give them to me,

they're just like, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, and I don't know where I am, okay? So I sit with it for a while, and I go upstairs, and I'm waking up as I'm walking up. Now remember, I gave up, which means I didn't get ready to sleep, which means I'm wearing my clothes, which means, fuck, maybe I'll just keep them on. So I've got my jeans on. I've got a shirt on. I've got socks on. All I do is change my socks, put on new shoes, put on a belt, and then like a fucking jacket, I remember, and I leave. I'm awake now. I go, I get coffee, I slurp it up.

You know how I like to shit with the purple straw. I stop by the coffee bean and tea leaf. I get to shit. I sit down for a little bit. I meet up with another dude. And then we go to the show that we're both on. We get there and we wait. We wait to go on, the both of us.

And a lot of my friends are on the show. We have a good time for an hour. We're talking, hanging out, having a good time. I'm watching some of my friends do stand-up, which I never do. And I'm laughing. I'm an audience member. I'm living life. And I've been awake now for hours. Even though when I woke up, I didn't know what planet I was on. I'm an audience member. I'm living life. And I've been awake now for hours.

Even though when I woke up, I didn't know what planet I was on. Now I know what planet. I'm back on Earth. And it's Friday. So the host says, hey, you're next. And I say, great. I've got a really cool Lakers jacket on. A black shirt from Palm Angels.

Black jeans from G-Star and fucking black Yeezys oh your boy's dressed to impressed before I go on I say do I have time to go to the bathroom and he says yup so I go to the bathroom I've been up for two hours already

coffee sucked down I go to go pee pee And I go to unbuckle my belt And under my belt Is a belt I wore and was wearing two belts for hours. I was being a person at places with two belts on. I put a belt on over a belt. I didn't realize until I had to take my schlong out. I unbuckle my belt and you know how like,

you know how like when you're in a moment and something crazy happens when you're with friends, you go, Oh, but then when you're in a moment or that same kind of moment and you're by yourself, this is the reaction you have because there's no one to share it with. Well, there's another level of not sharing a moment with someone. And it's sharing the moment with no one. I mean, no one was in the bathroom with me. And I still broke the fourth wall and looked at nobody. I mean, I unbuckled my belt. Noticed there was another belt.

Looked at an imaginary person. And I went, oh my God. No one was, you ever done that? You ever broke the fourth wall to no one? I mean, I wore fucking two belts, dude, for hours. Nobody knows it. And then I went on stage and I was like, guys, I got to fucking tell you this. And I was telling him, I was like, I fucking have two belts.

I wore two belts and I took it out of my pocket and I was like, look, this isn't even a bit. And they were laughing. And I was like, great. I'm basically carrot top right now. Just prop comics. You ever wear two belts? This is Where's Waldo on audio cassette.

I'm Gene. I'm Hank. I'm Waldo. There he is. So, yeah, dude, I got to pay more fucking attention. That's the peak level of just sleepwalking through life. I mean, it looks like I'm a zombie or something.

Or just like I'm three, just like my mom is dressing me. This is what you do? You have two belts? Unreal, dude. I gotta be that new dude that's fucking that wears it too. I'm sure there's a rapper out there that wears two, three belts. I was looking at a fucking,

uh, I was looking at a, uh, my friend was showing me Tinder and he was like, he was, I've never been on Tinder or anything like that. I've never been on any dating apps ever in my life. And,

um, I was looking at, I can't remember if it was Tinder or Bumble or something. It might've been a fucking Instagram bio, but my buddy showed it to me and he was like, look at this chick. And he was like, and it said in her bio or something, if it was tinder or bumble or something it might have been a fucking instagram bio but my buddy showed it to me and he was like look at this chick and he was like and it said in her bio or something whatever it was it was like sapiosexuals only i'm a sapiosexual which is somebody who's only who's attracted to someone's like intellect. They're attracted to intellect, which is like the most bullshit. Like why is everything a sexuality?

Like, oh, do you just mean you like personality, which is what all chicks like. Nice to meet you. Catch you later. Oh, so you're just a chick. Stop making your shit. Try and sound more interesting. Oh, you just like the way. Oh making your shit try and sound more interesting. Oh, you just like the way. Oh, you like nice people who know shit.

Nice to meet you. I mean, get with it, dude. Who you're tricking. The only people you're tricking are dumb motherfuckers. And you said you want smart motherfuckers. Nice to meet you, dude. Sayonara. Sapiosexual. Oh, you mean you just like fucking smart people.

Imagine how much of a cuck you'd have to be as a dude and be like, I'm actually a sapiosexual. Dude, no dude ever said that. Because what you mean is you like personality. And that's what chicks lead with. Except for money. Only hoes. Do you like intellect?

Yes, I do. Do you like men? Yes, I do. Do you like men Yes I do Do you like Sapiosexuals No I don't Yucky That's what the fucking cartoon does when it does it

He goes like this Yucky Are you a dude? Yes I am Do you like intellect? Yes I am Do you lead within Are you only attracted to intellect

Even when it comes to tits And body shapes Yes I am Are you a cock? Yes I am Yucky Wow losing my mind Imagine you've never seen this podcast and that was the

only clip you've seen it dude are you a cuck yes i am yucky losing my mind fuck it dude and for good measure um this is kind of a you know what i did dude i really like this episode right now of congratulations and let me tell you something about this episode by mistake i don't know why but my youtube was on when i walked in my house a few days ago and i was walking in and there was a youtube episode of one of my old podcasts on, The Unfollowing. Remember that classic episode? If I don't say so myself.

Anyway, I'm joking, but also it was a good one. But I watched it and I was like, oh, okay. And I was like, I could just chill with you motherfuckers. So that's what we're doing. And I feel like this episode is very nice. And it's because I watched an old episode. Never fucking I don't watch this shit you know um anyway I'm a sapiosexual I don't even know if I'm saying that right but I'm a sap I'm a sapiosexual who gets angry sometimes you know at certain things fucking my whole thing is I do the dishes. Like that's my thing. Kristen actually said to me,

she was like, if you just look, you leave your clothes everywhere. I can't stop you. You take off your fucking underwears and you throw it like a throne. Not you leave drawers open. Like, dude,

I don't know why I do this, but like I'll open up a fork drawer, take a fork out and just won't close the door to the fork thing. And then eat with the fork and then put it down and then leave the fork there and go upstairs and she's just like why do you do that why don't you just clean up while you're going through what you're doing and i'm like i don't i don't know you know so she's like look if you just like i'll take my pants off downstairs and then go upstairs and go to sleep and my pants are downstairs chilling and then i'll be upstairs the next day getting ready i'll be like the fuck are my pants like i'm a walter

mathau character where's my pants and so um she's like look if you just handle the dishes get out your good dishes motherfucker like thanksgiving is saying whatever that song is get out your good dishes and pretend like it's Thanksgiving or something. Whatever that song is. Get out your good dishes and pretend like it's Thanksgiving, motherfuckers. Sensei Jay-Jay-Z. Yeah. Get out your dishes.

Get out your good dishes and act like it's Thanksgiving and shit. So, um... So, Jay-Jay-Z, what do you give thanks for this Thanksgiving? Dishes. Um, these dishes, bitch. So, um, the good China. I like the fucking gravy boat.

Um, it's Easter. What do you like about easter jay-z peeps bitch um so uh butters you're a fucking incel uh he barked butters you're an incel butters chris lee a dog butters is an incel. Um, so, uh, Butters hasn't had sex forever. What the? Butters has never had sex. He wants you so badly, but chicks don't like him. Butters, Chris Lee, his dog is an incel. Hey, guys, we're here. We just found out that Butters is an incel.

Chris Lee, his dog is an incel. What? Is it because they removed his balls? No, but it's because, you know, yeah. Surfer dude with the long hair laughing. Anyway, Butters in. So let's fucking see what Frankie Muniz has been up to. Wow, he hit a guy.

He jumped up and hit a guy. Frankie Muniz is 4'2"? What the fuck? We found out. We got his birth records. And then he grew up and Frankie Muniz is 2'. We just found out Frankie Muniz is fucking 4'2". What the fuck?

Yeah, so anyway, we saw Frankie Muniz. Really? How? You must be looking down. Ah, sir, with fucking long hair. Anyway, let's check out and see what Woody Harrelson is up to. Oh, I hit a guy. Um. Oh, Woody Harrelson's with a sword in an Ikea.

He's fucking slashing up fucking, what's he slashing up, prices? Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Um, so anyway, um, what was I saying? What the fuck was I even talking about? Dishes, dude. Get out your dishes like it's Thanksgiving this time. Jay-Z, caught up with Jay-Z.

Jay-Z, what's your favorite part of Thanksgiving? Dishes. Dishes. So what was I talking about? Dishes. So she's like, look, if you just do dishes and just make sure the dishes are fucking done, you can literally throw your pants fucking anywhere. So I looked at her.

I took her because sometimes, you know, we don't pay attention. Like I was telling you, I wore two belts the other day. I took her by the hands and you know, we don't pay attention. Like I was telling you, I wore two belts the other day. I took her by the hands, and I said, listen, sweetheart. Listen, sweetheart, it's just me and you right now. But I want you to know I'm looking in your eyes, and I'm paying attention. I want you to be here with me, too, sweetheart. She's like, what? I was like, listen, sweetheart.

You're telling me that all I need to do is do the dishes, and I can leave the whole house a mess as long as I just rinse the dishes and put them in the... Yeah, you have to put... Yeah, you have to put them in the dishwasher, too. Ah, sweetheart, I hear ya. So let's remember this. Okay. So now I do the dishes, and that's all I do.

And with everything else, dude, I'm coming, huh? I want the world to know dude pants on the fucking stove just shirt on my son throwing it on his head leaving it there sweetheart you said the thing about the dishes though sweetheart so I fucking but by the way though I said you know dishes are the I said to her I said dishes are the worst part of anything like I'll do laundry fucking 10 times before I want to do the dishes and, dishes are the worst part of anything. Like I'll do laundry fucking 10 times before I'm going to do the dishes. And she was like, that's the whole point. Just do the dishes and you can do whatever.

And I don't care. I'll clean up the rest of the house. So I'm like, all right. So I do the dishes and I hate doing them, but I do them, dude. And I guess my point is dishes are just too loud, dude. That's really why I brought this up. Like nine times out of 10,

I'm doing the dishes and, uh, I'm doing it when Calvin's asleep during his nap or I'm doing it. Like when I get home at 12, 12 AM, because I just had to fucking level an audience, right? I'm over at the laugh factor,

the improv just setting flames to a fucking wooden state you know i mean like you know how i do right but just leaving the audience different you know right like going in the audience is one way and leaving an audience different. So, right? So I do that, and then fucking I come back. I got to do the dishes, and it's always like fucking God damn it, dude. Clankity, like clank, clank, clank.

You picking a dish up, dude? A ninja pick a dish up and still clank, clank, clank. It's so annoying, dude. The only thing louder is like garbage men. They gotta make quiet dishes, dude. Gotta make quiet fucking dishes, right? Quiet dishes would be a fucking

show on epics with Greg Kinnear. New Epix original like we give a fuck. Oh, yeah? Really? Epix original? Oh, yeah, dude? Epix original.

They have Epix originals. New Epix original starring Greg Kinnear. Quiet Dishes. The fuck is this about? You'd be watching some shit. There'd be one small billboard on Hollywood and Highland with Greg Kinnear holding a dish trying to dry it off. Hey, we caught up with Greg Kinnear the other day.

Hey, Greg, what's your show about? I don't know. Quiet dishes. One man. With his dishes. Honey, we need quiet dishes um worst fucking show of all time whatever dude an epics original the feel good or nah it would be about somebody would get cancer in it you know like that fucking show shining veil like that's a that's a fucking that one on? What, what is that one on? Tinder original? What's that one?

Fucking Redbox original. Are there Redbox originals? That would be amazing if you could go to that big ass fucking drink machine with the DVDs in it and just get a Redbox original with fucking what's his name in it? My friend. I can't even remember him. Wow. I wore two belts, dude. I can't remember his fucking name and I know him. remember him. Wow. I wore two belts, dude. I can't remember his fucking name, and I know him.

It would be on Lifetime Originals. Lifetime Originals I'll watch, dude, because those motherfuckers kill it. I love those motherfuckers. They always get the actors that haven't been in anything for like 20 years. I'll end up in those for sure. When I turn 60, I'll be someone's, someone's dad. Someone's like rich dad that comes to town. I just don't think

it's going to work out. Lifetime original starring five guys and then also Chris D'Elia. The sixth lead in a Lifetime original in 2041. Five people who have come up through the ranks of acting since Chris D'Elia has been even

alive, and now Chris D'Elia is the sixth lead in this Lifetime original. Quiet dishes. We caught up with Chris D'Elia. Chris, how's it being the sixth lead? And I just fucking shoot him. Fuck you guys. You did me dirty way long ago um anyway you know do some fucking misconnections fun episode man fun fucking episode actually how about this chick garcelle beavis or whatever her name is uh

or no that's now she's writing a book everyone's trying to cash in on his will smith slap apparently she dated will smith and now she's making a book writing a book about him because he's the most famous guy on the planet and then he fucked and fucked it all up will smith hasn't posted on instagram or tiktok in a long time because he smacked Chris Rock, so whatever. Let's not even, who cares? Dude. Can we even play this, Renewed Life? Let's watch this, actually. How long was this?

It's only two minutes, three minutes. Let's watch it. Wow. Wow. I'll go out on a limb and say white women with short hair have to stop dancing after 35. Because if you've got short hair, switch the turn while the house in the back is unreal. Breaking it down.

Solo. Righteousness. Fuck that word. Wow, it gets groovy, huh? Here comes the turn, right? Oh, it's a bitch, dude. Oh, the snapping. The snapping. It's a bitch.

It's a bitch when he takes a step back. So groovy, dude. I mean, dude. Patrick Bateman. We're going to watch this whole thing. I don't give a fuck. You can't have short hair and dance like this as an older lady.

Wow, got groovy again with it. Gonna get so bitch after the grooviness. Oh, wow, dude. The shuffle. Don't they have a breakdown moment? Oh, yeah, this part. Oh! Oh, dude! The shuffle Don't they have a breakdown moment? Oh yeah this part Oh dude It's a bitch

Oh so out of breath dude The fucking finger point dude With his face Wow with the Bill Bellamy mic Oh dude I forgot about it. The head movement like it's on a Lazy Susan. It's a bitch.

Head doesn't move, dude. Love it. Gonna be so out of breath. Breaking it down, dude. Wow, jerking two guys off, big guy. So bitch. That's the most... Dude.

Who's clapping? Who's clapping? Who's clapping, dude? So bitch, dude. Dude, hitting the highest notes. Not even saying shit, dude. Dude, hitting the highest notes. Not even saying shit, dude. And then when he does the, when he hops in the air

and does the, dude, I love John Travolta. I would fuck him. Would 100% make love to him and have a full-blown relationship with him and hide it from the church and then get ousted from fucking Patience or whatever this band is called. What's this band called? Hold on.

What is it? The President! Dude! The house in the back fucking absolutely destroys me, dude. That fucking gingerbread house in the back fucking absolutely destroys me dude that fucking gingerbread house in the back oh my god dude this is so bitch the twirly whirly is that he does and the fucking chick with the short hair wow and how come you never even i'll tell you what that third woman is so nondescript

that that fucking the white woman with the with the blonde hair she could come in and fucking rob me and beat the shit out of me. And the police would be like, hey, who did it? Is it this woman? And I'd be like, I don't know. They'd show me a picture of her. I'd be like, I don't know. They'd be like, do you want to press charges?

I'd be like, no. They'd be like, why not? I'd be like, because the renewed mind is the key. Dude, I can't believe. Let's look at the breakdown. Look at when he breaks it down again. Dude, when he comes, when it's his moment. Wow, dude.

There was a guy in my fucking high school, Ryan Stevens, he used to do that shit all the time, dude. Everyone has that break dancer in his fucking high school, right? Here we go. Let's break it down again.

Bitch. Let's count this as bitches. One, two, three, four. Wow, five with his hands. Oh, six. Tip Cohen. Seven with the hands. Oh, got lower, eight.

And then the finger, that's nine bitches in like three fucking seconds, six. Tiptoeing. Seven with the hands. Oh, got lower. Eight. And then the finger. That's nine subitches in like three fucking seconds, dude. That's the most subitches per capita in dancing of all time, dude. Unbelievable. Wow, dude. That guy is the fucking... Oh, my God. He's Clark Kent right now,

but if he opened up his shirt like that, it would say, it's a bitch man. Unbelievable, dude. I mean, dude, this shit should be on Spotify. That's what it says in one of the comments. It should be on Spotify.

If it wasn't on Spotify, dude, it would make more fucking... It would get more hits than Joe Rogan. Yeah, this guy says, my favorite part is the absolutely raucous applause. That's true, dude. That's awesome. Raucous. That's a great word.

I got to start doing that. I mean, this is wonderfully bad. Somebody said it's wonderfully bad. 13,000 views. That's a crime, dude. The present, you know, bad somebody said it's wonderfully bad but only 13 000 views that's a crime dude the present you know the fucking nerve you gotta have to call your band the present well that's it for the episode on youtube if you want to catch the rest of the episode the uncut episode all you got to do is go

over on our patreon patreon.com slash chris talia and you can catch the rest of this episode plus the rest of every other episode that's happened in the past year or two. And also, we do one extra episode on Patreon. Sign up for the Patreon, and every month you get an extra episode that nobody ever gets besides the people on Patreon. And you can also get the backlog of episodes. There's like 13, 14 episodes on there right now that you can just stream and watch right now one after another and pretend like it's like Breaking Bad also there's other stuff like behind the scenes stuff on our

patreon and a what do you call it the discord and just a bunch of stuff patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia thanks Congratulations motherfucking Bob, you scared fucking fucker And I'm a fucking motherfucker right here in the motherfucking club Motherfucker