Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 249. He Graduated

Episode Date: April 28, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris talks about graduating his coffee game, the Johnny Depp v Amber Heard trial, watching movies in his backyard, and the story of his latest tattoo. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. It's episode 200-something. Now I dare, I got now I dare what episode it is. But you know what it is if you clicked on it because it says on the top of the shit. I got no idea. Christian Bale. Blow up.

You got no idea. So, yeah. Good for you. So, yeah, we're fucking so Scottish. Good for you. Yeah, it's episode, whatever it is. And congratulations. We don't know because we just keep on fucking going and firing on all syllables.

And remember, we got that. Don't push me. Merch order it now before my show in Phoenix. I got Phoenix coming up. If you're at the Phoenix show, you wear that merch and, uh, I clock in. I see you there. And I give you a little bit. I gave you a little bit of a wink on stage.

You got Phoenix coming up on Saturday. Crystalia.com. Get those remaining tickets. Crystalia.com for my Phoenix show on Saturday, April 30th. And wear that merch that we got. Don't push me. Oops. We got it.

If you want to support the show, Crystalia.com. Go over on there to go to get your merch. And you know what besides that you know how it be you know how it be dude um i'm feeling good i'm feeling very nice you know i've got a really nice light t-shirt on it might as well just be made of tissue because it's hot out dude and i gotta keep the shit breathing right under it i'm saying under it i gotta keep it breathing because i'm not gonna go shirtless outside like i'm jaw rule but i did go shirtless outside a little bit and your boy got a little bit of color. I know you

can't tell because it takes about eight days for it to fucking solidify on my body because of how I'm pasty white and it's all good. It's all good. We all have our things and we all have our, we all have our ups and we all have our downs. And one of my downs is fucking being, being fucking off death, the color off death. And it's all good, my babies. It is all good. Have you checked out our new show called Lifeline? Me and my brother, where we give different advices. And that's it.

It's the first podcast about you. You'll have to check it out to understand. And, dude, my life is a fucking fairy tale, dude, you know? Like, a good one, I guess. But it's just, like, unreal. Like, I love my life. I love my life. I'm so grateful, dude. I'm so grateful. I've got a great family, my friends, the fucking thickest, like

just, I'm lucky I get to do what I do. And thank you guys for being my audience and listening to me. Like, I just, I love you guys, man. And I so appreciate you and I love my life and I can't wait to perform for you and shit like out on the road. It's just, and my life is great my life. And I can't wait to perform for you and shit, like, out on the road. It's just, and my life is great, dude. And, like, Kristen texts me and the nanny, right? She texts me, hey, what are you guys doing tonight? So my first thought is, uh-oh, right. She's got a plan. Oh no, she's got a plan. Because, you know, if there's one thing you know about me, I don't like plans. I fly by the seat of my pants. That's what I do. So guess what? I don't even know

what I'm doing yet tonight. But she asked, what are you doing tonight? And since she asked, I have to say, I don't know, which means we can do her plan. Oh, fuck. Which means I'm fucked, right? So I say, where are you? And she says, Target. And I go, oh, double no. These plans involve the shittiest place in the world. So she says, I'll be home in 25 minutes. I have a surprise for tonight. So I know it can't be good if it's in a group text with the nanny. It might be good if it's just me,

but it's not. So I immediately text her back. Fuck, what are we building? She ha ha bubbles it, which means it's confirmed. We're building something. So now I wait for her to get home and I'm in a good mood. My wife is wonderful. My wife is wonderful. My son is wonderful. Honestly, the nanny's wonderful. Honestly, my friends are wonderful and my house is wonderful and everything is wonderful, right? She gets home and oopsie daisy, so many bags. So we're fucked. I don't know what we're building, but we're fucked. You know what we're building? Fuckedville, right? So she says, you know what we're building? Fuckedville, right?

So she says, you know what I got? And I say, no, what? And she said, I got a projector and I got a canvas and we're going to go outside and set up a bunch of pillows in the backyard and put this canvas up and figure out how to do this projector and Bluetooth it to some Beats pills and then we're going to watch movies.

And I go, I say, babe, we have inside. Oh, but babe, there's inside. Like that's this whole thing where it's like, it's the argument is so sound that I can't get past it, right? Like, we're as far into the future as we are. And everyone lives in homes. Do you know why? They're better. The people who don't have homes want homes because homes are better. And that means that outside is cool

if you're like running around and doing daytime stuff. But inside, when you're using technologies like running around and doing daytime stuff, but inside when you're using technologies like watching TVs or doing anything that you don't want wind blowing inside of your mouth, you do it inside because better. So she's like, so by the way, she's amazing at this shit. She's real crafty and she wants to do it for our son. And that's the thing I'm leading with. I'm like, okay, well, this will be fun with the son.

You know, we'll get to fucking watch movies and he'll get to see shit. and she wants to do it for our son. And that's the thing I'm leading with. I'm like, okay, well, this will be fun with the son. We'll get to fucking watch movies and he'll get to see shit. So she hangs this canvas right next to a TV that we have outside. Yes, we have an outside TV, okay? We have a TV outside that we never really watch, but it's there in case we have a party or something like that.

And we have the canvas next to it that she sets up and she puts all the pillows down and she says, your only job is setting up the projector. And I'm like, you can't use only job when it's 80% of the job. None of us set up projectors. Putting out a canvas ain't so hard and throwing some pillows on the rotten ground ain't so hard either. So she's like, all you have to do basically what she's saying is all you have to do is open this up, figure out where the cords go, figure out how to Bluetooth it from a computer, but only visually. And then the sound has to be through an audio source. And I'm just like, do we even have a beats pill?

I don't know shit about this. Who even have a beats pill i don't know shit about this who am i the fucking i don't know how to do these things right like i don't know technology who am i fucking timely jones from that movie where he's making all those bombs so so she sets up all the things i'm like i don't know how to i don't and then she walks away and then she comes back and i like i'm like i don't know i don't know maybe if, I don't know. And then she walks away and then she comes back and I like, I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe if I just wait long enough, she'll just do it.

You know, I just, you know, that's the thing you do as a guy when you're, when you're, when your wife or your girlfriend wants you to do something, you just kind of, you look at it long enough until they're like, I'll just hear. And you're like, oh yeah, I was, cause I was trying to, you just can trail off a sentence or two and then they do it.

And then they're happy because they're upset when they're doing it but then they end up getting happy because the thing's done that they really wanted so it's like you win it's kind of a win right she's like you know what I'll just do it and then and then I go to hug her and then she like kind of shies away and I'm like great she's fucking yes dude

she's pissed dude she's pissed because I didn't do the hard part even though she acted like it was the easy part so she sets it all up and we start watching spider-man and it's so cute with calvin and we can't hear it we can't hear it because it's too fucking because it's coming through just the projector we couldn't get get the Beats Pillow Award. Right? And I'm fucking, and she's watching it,

and she's got a fucking shit-eating grin, just like so happy, like her smile's going past her ears. And she looks at me and she says, isn't this fun? And I said, you know, yeah, it's fucking cool. And I'm like all bent, like, because I'm on some of the pillows, you know? Because if you're laying on pillows, it's all lumpy and shit. And in my head, I'm just like, it's so nice inside because it's the point in earth where we have, and humanity where we've advanced enough to build walls and electronics and shit. So basically she's like, do you like this? Isn't it nicer than inside? And now, you know, me,

Do you like this? Isn't it nicer than inside? And now you know me. Johnny keeps it real. I can't lie. So I say, you know, is it nice or it's different? And she's like, you're such a, see, this is. And I'm like, okay, well, okay.

So she's like, why can't you just be, you know, I mean, she's playful, but she's like, you're being just a sour, like, and I'm just like, you asked me. I'm not just complaining. You asked me. So I'm telling you how I feel about this shit and we're watching spider-man by the way i can't even fucking hear the goddamn thing and the wind is flapping the canvas so it's like i need to take a fucking motion pill a motion sickness pill and then we're watching the canvas next to the fucking TV that's off, and I'm just like, and Calvin even chimes in, and he says, I don't know what, I don't watch Peppa Pig on this TV. And I'm like, fuck yeah, dude.

We made another one of me. Fuck yeah, dude. another one of me. Fuck yeah, dude. It's just like, he knows he's going to know, dude,

he's going to know inside better than outside. Dude, if I could do a hike in my house, I'd do it. Fuck yeah. Pull up. Let's have a tailgate party in my house. Pull into the garage,

open up and get the exhaust going. Let's all die and eat burgers. Fuck yeah. Who you rooting for? Doesn't matter. We won't even be alive by the third quarter. Who's playing Denver Bronc? Burger in the fucking a hot dog coming out, a Snickers in it with a dick vein coming out hey that looks like a yeah dude my wife gets so crafty she's so crafty it's too crafty for her own good man it's too crafty dude it's too fucking crafty dude it'll be like fucking labor day and she'll be like i got hats and you're just like for fucking labor day you have to come on don't be a i'm walking around with a fucking labor day hat on and if i don't wear it i'm a fucking sour asshole you know fucking god damn it my lips are all chapped today too great because of the wind

fuck yeah dude my lips are all chapped because I watched the new Spider-Man outside. How's that for a sentence? And then, dude, Calvin goes to bed and we start watching fucking the third season of Servant. Bro, it's dark as shit. It's so dark. We can't even see it. And it's so quiet because it's a horror movie. So everyone's like, um, um, um, um, um, um.

It's like every fucking actor is acting like the fucking courtroom in Johnny Depp's fucking case we can't hear shit and she's like isn't this great and I'm like I can't hear him and the wind is flapping the goddamn thing lumped up on the pillows she brought out fucking peanut M&M's like anyone eats them

and shit here popcorn anyway we watched the whole fucking thing outside fucking peanut M&Ms like anyone eats them and shit. Here. Popcorn. Anyway, we watched the whole fucking thing outside. It's kind of nice. It was nice. I mean, I get it. And she was like, you know what she was

like? She was like, this is gonna be you know what? It's like, it's not perfect, but it's gonna be so fun. Like, later on, these are gonna be the memories. And I'm i'm like fucking it's memorable if somebody sticks their finger in your asshole it doesn't mean you want it and she was like christopher and i was like what it's true dude i'm just trying to fucking get to the point to where I die. You know, this way it's just fucking over.

This way I can just chalk it up. Oh, dude, I'm taking the L. That's the thing, you know, like when somebody like gets shot and stuff and they're like, take me to the hospital or whatever. Or they fucking eat something that makes their whole body blow up because they're fucking realized they're allergic to it. Dude, don't take me to the hospital. That's it. I'll take the L, man. That was it. This was nice. Peace.

That'd be my last words. Hey, oh no, we gotta get to the hospital. Nah, nah, nah, nah, it's all good. Let me fucking, I'm good with dying in this fucking Chili's. All good. Let me die in this Chili's, we didn't know you were allergic to fucking fajitas, oh, turned out it is, and then when I die, someone rolls me over and puts their finger in my ass, lips all chapped and then Kristen at least we'll remember this

I can't believe he died on labor day me with my hat on dude I can't believe he died on Labor Day, me with my hat on. Rim-a-nim-a-pim-a-pim-a-pring-kunk. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, dude. Wow. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I went out today, I got a coffee, and some dude goes like this. Man, I went out, and I went to go get a coffee. You know how I do it, obviously.

I go out to get fucking four shots over ice, because he graduated, dude. He was drinking iced Americanos until he figured out There was too much water in it and he graduated Oh for fuck's sake dude He keeps getting rougher And harder and raw And fucking more himself that's what he does Because he got to fucking iced Americano And then he goes like this water

And then he heard Chris D'Elia. Thank you very much, dude. It's been really great. I've been drinking iced Americano for years and years. But now as we look to the future, I realize this was just diluted into what my reality should be. So what I'm going to do from here on forward for the future is remove the ice, or I'm sorry, remove the water and just have four shots over ice. Thank you. Da-da 42 because he couldn't fucking take the caffeine.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Ram, bam, bam. Just fucking dun, dun, dun, dun. Anyway, he graduated, fellas. And that's what we're going with. So, yeah, man. we have a good time so i got out the fucking throat mobile and i fucking actually i was in the blood of guts and i fucking got out and uh the security dude on a bike who i love making friends with those guys dude

i love making friends with the security guys on bikes because no matter what they always have jackets on it could be 90 fucking eight degrees they've got to wear all the outfits of it you know like they got black slacks and they just straight up never have t-shirts unless they're in a beach town if they're in a beach town for some reason even though beach towns are fucking colder than shit they'll have that white fucking one on right but if you're in the city of los angeles no matter what degrees it is that dude will fucking 100 be in a windbreaker or some shit and it it just says like, they're not cops, right? They're just securities on bicycles. Cause by the way, bike cops.

Pull over, pull over. Pull over. Do they do it with their mouths whoop whoop isn't that a fucking uh eddie murphy joke dude they just fucking pull over i'm all good dude no but you have to put no no no i'm all good you're on a bike i'm in a car i mean, bike cops, you know, pathetic. You didn't get the car. Hey, if you're getting pulled over by a bike cop, don't stop. Just keep going. Drive away.

Right? But, dude, there's bike security. And what are those guys like? Flowers? They're just there? Like, what do they do? Hey, you can't do that. All good, man.

So they get out and they're just chilling, dude. I love when the security just chills, man, because shit is mostly just all good everywhere unless you get into the fucking, you know,

the really bad neighborhoods and the dicey areas, but dude, the guy just, I'm pulling the gut. That's what it is. The fucking, it was the red interior

is so special, right? And I'm fucking pulling in and there's always that lip, that bumper lip, right? But all my cars, they're basically fucking, I gotta, you know, they're underground, right? I mean, my cars are fucking crazy low. You know what I'm talking about? So, uh,

I'm pulling up and I'm doing it. I'm eking forward, right? I'm trying to listen to the yeep, yeep, yeep, yeep, yeep when that hits because I don't want the fucking, the shit to get scraped. So I started hearing, but he's got a camera on the front. So I'm also looking right. And the camera somehow shows up top. I don't know how they're doing it, but they're showing me what it looks like on top of my car, right? The shit's so special. So I'm pulling up and it's, and I i'm looking and i noticed the security guy is in

front watching he's watching me so now not only do i not want to script the shit but i don't want to look like a punk idiot in front of the security guy number one i don't want it to get fucking scuffed on the bottom but i also i don't want this guy to see that i'm being a bitch about this shit listening to the watching it from up above so i I stop, I get out of the car, I'm in far enough, but not too much, right, I wish I pulled a little bit further, and he goes like this, yo, dude, I was watching for you, you're all good, and I said, oh, thanks, dude, yeah, yeah, figured as much, you know, and he said, yeah, you know, because basically what happens is, you pull too far forward, and you'll scrape the front of it, and I was like, no, yeah, you know, because basically what happens is you pull too far forward and you'll scrape the front of it.

And I was like, no, yeah, I know. Yeah. So but anyway, thanks for watching. And he's like, yeah, because I've been there, man. You know, your car, most cars are too low and they'll just scrape it. And I'm like, I know, dude. Right. And he says, yeah.

So anyway, I was watching you. And I said, oh, thanks, dude. Right? And he says, yeah, so anyway, I was watching you. And I said, oh, thanks, dude. He had that conversation with me. I had to check and see if I was four different guys. Because it was the same conversation real quick, four times in a row. We did it dude after the first time we did it dude after the first time yeah but you know i was watching okay yes thank you yeah because you know the first fuck god damn i keep graduating dude we're graduating past this combo is this a ged what's going on dude did i get fucked did i fail math

we did it and there was another bike cop just chilling in his windbreaker behind him not saying shit so those are the kinds of fucking experiences i have during the day so that was the experience i had and i got the fucking iced americano dry, basically four shots over ice, because your boy walked down the aisle and threw his hat up, and now that's what I'm sipping, I, you know, I never wanted to graduate anything, I graduated high school, but I didn't graduate college, because I realized how much of a fucking muff-up that was, dude. Don't go to college. And who went to college that you fucking, who went to,

Peter didn't go. If Peter didn't go, I'm not going. So, or Diddy or whatever his fucking name is now. Dr. Diddly Musk. And so, yeah, so that's it. Um, and, uh, and I got the guy and I got the thing and it's good. And we went to the fucking lot to see our house that we're going to fucking build. Uh, and we went to the lot and we scanned it all up and we're going to be able to build

a nice fucking log cabin right there, dude. And it's going to be nice, dude. I went with my fiance and it's going to be super nice. Good. It was a nice day. They said, Hey, good news. I said, what I've got, I show up and the guy's got a drone just overhead, just taking pictures and shit of the, of my area and the surrounding part. And he was just like, the sun sets in a great place for, if you want to have a pool,

I'm like, all right, cool, man. And, uh, and it was fun. It was just hilarious, dude. It's so hilarious meeting guys that just do such different shit than you do you know like i go on stage and i do dick jokes and i do fucking idiot jokes about my day i do this podcast and i bullshit and this guy shows up just in a fucking in dockers and a button down just killing it looking like he's friends with patrick bateman with super nice sunglasses real short hair with gel in it and he's friends with Patrick Bateman with super nice sunglasses, real short hair with gel in it. And he's just like, so good news. I said, what? He said, so the sun's going to set beautifully if you want to pull. And another guy's out there just with his thumbs, dude, there was an assistant that barely talked. And then another short guy, dude, it was just unbelievable, man. And I'm just like, nice like nice nice and he was like yeah dude you know

he was like my wife said don't don't don't say anything trying to be funny because you know you you got a comedian that's a client and he's just gonna roll his eyes and then he said to me he said well um he said well he said uh what'd he say he said you know most of my funniest clients are actually doctors and i said yeah that's because they're fucking killing people they gotta be boom dude it was like i fucking dude it was like my closer bro the dude just fucking laughed like hell and i just go well if they laugh at my jokes this hard this is going to be a fucking smooth process even though it's going to take three years but by the end trumpet french horn all the horns dude

that one whatever that one is is that the french horn the one that sounds like m&m um um, so that's what's up, dude, and, uh, and we stay doubling, and I'm gonna double it until they kill me, so,

um, you know, the first day I got a fucking tattoo, this is like the third day, I still got the fucking thing on, I gotta try Ceratops, I made a, I made a,

a video of it, it's coming out on Monday, look at that darkness, look at that beautiful darkness, it makes his skin look extra white, extra white but it's all good it's new so it looks extra dark but look at that darkness dude and he shaved it so it looks like it pops right because they shave it that's the worst part of the tattoo they shave it first and then you look like a fucking chump and you get that little section of fucking hair that's not shaved and people are like oh are you are you dying and you're like no i just got a fucking tattoo of a of a of a butterfly why i don't i don't really honestly know

and um text them to turn that lower and then um yeah they're watching the fucking johnny depp trial fucking all day all day dude my girl's watching the johnny depp trial anyway they'll talk about this and i'll talk about the johnny depp trial but the fucking uh yeah i got this tattoo and i was going to irvine to to fucking go to the place to do it because this guy was a fan he came to my irvine show let me look him let me look him up so i don't get any of this shit wrong but he gave me this tattoo um devin mena tattoos on instagram and And, uh, yeah, he did that fucking, he did it. I, I said to my son, I said, what's your favorite dinosaur? And he said, I saw tops. And I said, okay, would you want me to get a tattoo of a triceratops? And he said, yeah. And I said,

well, what do you want? Um, what do you want to, uh, what, what's your favorite? Uh, I said, what, where do you, where would you want me to get it? And he said, arm. So I was like, okay, you want me to get it And he said arm So I was like okay you want me to get it right there So I got it right there I got the skull right there And then he was looking at it And then so I was like so I'm going to go get it And it was the first day Dude it was on a Saturday because I went on a fucking drive out to Irvine

So well it was What do you call it The weekday And I'm in fucking And I go to leave early and it's like gonna be a a beautiful day like my son got a set we put a sandbox together almost threw up we put a sandbox together and he was playing with his water table and shit and i had to go get the tattoo and and he says uh and i say all right calvin i gotta go i gotta go today because i'm gonna go get that

tattoo and i don't know if he knows what i'm talking about, but it was the first day that he goes like this. Oh, oh, I, I love you so much, daddy. And I was like, oh no, this is going to be hard. It was the first day where he was just like, oh yeah, they leave sometimes. Bro, just a week ago, fucking Kristen left for five days and Calvin was like, mama who? And now I'm like, I got to go get a tattoo for three hours. And he goes like, he literally shrugged his shoulders and made a sourpuss.

And he goes, oh, okay, dad, I love you so much. And I was like, oh, oh, it's it's gonna be me that's the first one that feels this so now it's like fucking which only means one thing he fucking loves me more dude fuck yeah man my son loves me more fuck yeah dude thanks calvin Thanks, Calvin. He misses me, dude. So then I came back. I showed him the tattoo. You got to see this with Chris video.

It's so fucking cute, dude. He looked at it and he was like, I guess it's TX. And I was like, do you want to get a tattoo? Or no, that's a Saratops. I said, yeah. I said, do you want to get a dinosaur tattoo? I said, yeah. I said, of what? And he said, TX.

Like that, dude. And my heart just goes fucking, oh. So it's fucking beautiful, man, to be a dad. And I suggest that if you're thinking about becoming a father, absolutely splurtener. So yeah, dude. I'm just saying if you're thinking about becoming a father and maybe not necessarily but you're unsure of it just fucking remain raw and splurtener you know what i'm saying dude that's all i'm saying right like if you're like should i or should i

not it's going to change my life is it going to be for the better or for the worse mostly for the better so just tear it off and splurten her it's all i'm saying that dick be a geyser and it will be beautiful make your dick a geyser and that shit will change your life dude um so yeah and it's uh and so it was so cute man i love being a dad for real um And so it was so cute, man. I love being a dad for real. And I got the tattoo and it was nice, dude. I got the tattoo.

I got in the fucking tattoo parlor. How come tattoo parlors always got like fucking tits all around everywhere? Like just cartoon tits everywhere. So fucking weird. You go to a tattoo parlor. What is it about fucking tattoos and tits? People don't even really get their titties tattooed that much. But you go to a tattoo parlor what is it about fucking tattoos and tits people don't even really get their titties tattooed that much but you go to a fucking tattoo parlor there will be like fucking chicks like drawing drawings of chicks just like this with tits out and then also there will just there will be literally pictures of just tits you know how fucking weird that is

tattoo guys hey tattoo guys stop hanging up just tits on your wall Dude This would be like a fucking Like just from here down And a girl's pulling her shirt up And just tits and tits What if it would be tattooed dude Imagine if other establishments did that

You go to McDonald's and there were just tits out Yeah let me get a number two And then what do you want honey a number eight Ooh nice tits Let me supersize the Just tits everywhere You go to fucking ikea buying furniture and you're just tits just going to kinko's making some copies next to just tits um just some tits for no reason

on the way out to get my tattoo i fucking fucking had to get gas, and my, my house has a, um, my house has a, uh, what do you call it, uh, a patio, and, uh, oh, God, let me fucking text him hey guys turn it lower um fucking goddamn pay attention your phone for once you know kristen goes like this how kristen texts this how kristen texts hey what do you want for dinner i'm walking on sunshine and the fucking phone and for three years it's just on the ground and i'm right yeah i'm i'm whatever it is turkey me love turkey turkey me love question question turkey me love is that good okay not that then you want to do some chicken and she's just i'm walking on sunshine oh it's so annoying dude she just goes like this hey what's it called when you fucking do do phone fucking blump up in her anus for six years walking around

farting on her phone and i'm trying to call her in her anus where's my phone it's so fucking annoying jesus christ sometimes we got shit to say she's walking around a park just her phone's at the library she's just walking around a park for no reason. Where are you? Well, wherever my phone's not. So fucking annoying. Dude, I'm going to tether that phone to Calvin. He's not growing up like her, dude.

I'm going to put a little. I'm going to go to that two piercing place. And I'm going to fucking open up a little part of my son. So his phone could stick in it like a shirt pocket. Dude, it's so fucking. I tell you right now, dude. And every time you go to a tattoo place too, there's the piercings guy and the tattoo guy. And I go to the fucking, and the piercings, that's just like a body modification shit is just, it's just, I don't know, you know, about it. It's like you get the guys with the fucking big saucers in their ears.

Or like just some guy goes in there and they got like lumps, like fucking four lumps that just were like are scar-tissued. The scarification and shit. It's just so weird to me. Or they just got some guy goes in. Hey, how much is it to just lop my arm off? What? Yeah, this is a body mod place, right? Yeah. How much to lop my arm off? What? Yeah, this is a body mod place, right? Yeah. How much to lop my arm off? Am I not speaking English? I'm sorry.

Can you just fucking slit my tongue, please? What kind of a lunatic do you have to be to just, yeah, fucking slit my tongue and ink up my eyeballs. Fuck life, right? my tongue and ink up my eyeballs. Fuck life, right? Dude, people just fucking slit up their tongue and ink up their eyeballs, just black and shit. If I was going to get, by the way, if you're going to get fucking eyeballs tattooed for real, go red, you pussy. These motherfuckers out there darkening up their eyes going black. Oh bro, you really bout it bout it? red eyes dude what the fuck i mean how could you do it but if you're gonna do it red eyes um so yeah uh so yeah fucking i got this triceratops and there were fucking tits everywhere in the tattoo shop and then i go there and it was great and it was all good. And then he goes like this.

I go like this, how much? And he goes, well, how about a trade? And I go like this, very interesting. What's the trade? And he says, will you tattoo me? And I go, I say, what? And he says, will you give me a tattoo? And I said, I don't do that. And he said, even better. Dude, something about these fucking tattoo guys, they just don't give a fuck.

You know, what do you want to do today? Put a dick on my you know what do you want to do today put a dick on my back we want to do today yeah let's get a peppa pig tattoo fuck it and um and i did i tattooed life rips on his arm dude the delia original that's the fucking delia ridge tattoo delia original so now i do tattoos guys if you want a tattoo honestly it's five thousand dollars and i'll do it and i only do life rips and that's it i'll do anything actually for five thousand dollars i don't care i'll do any tattoo you want for five thousand dollars and that's it i will not do it for any fucking less than that i won't do it for four thousand nine hundred dollars um so i'm a tattoo artist fucking she won't stop watching the goddamn Johnny Depp trial.

It's like it's fucking, it's like it's a child of hers. It's unbelievable. Johnny Depp on the stand, just so smug. We love him though, don't we? Johnny Depp, we love him though, don't we? Yeah, we do, dude. And if you fucking, if you believe Amber Heard, oh, dude. Boo.

It was obvious what she was doing. Boo. Fucking six days after she wrote her fucking op-ed, he lost Pirates of the Caribbean. Boo. He lost Fantastic Beasts. It doesn't matter that much because that movie sucks, but still boo. Boo, boo, boo. He lost two franchises because of the op-ed by fucking what's her name Austin

heard boo and she's Aquaman dude and Zack Snyder kept her in even though she was lying boo Aquaman dude and she's fucking now she's getting all exposed cause Johnny Depp smug as shit dude trust me

when I say you do not want to do a trial when a guy who's going to be on the stand is acting in his corner. Because the dude knows. You know what he knows? See, you see Amber Heard in the fucking box and shit. You see her behind the desk. And she's all like she can't. She thinks she's all like she can't she thinks she's acting but Johnny Depp

knows something that she doesn't stillness dude you see how he's serving the fucking lawyers the lawyer come up and they're all cocky you know know, her Hollywood shits. Well, didn't you say this? And he goes like this. Yes.

Okay, but then what this, and that's what you said, right? Yes. Okay, and again, you said this? For the third time, yes. Okay, and then, okay, and then that's this, right? That's when you said this? I'm sorry, you're asking about which one? You're asking about the other,

a different thing or the same three things you just asked for the fourth time, yes. Okay. Oh, dude, and the courtroom goes like this. Everyone in the courtroom like this. Everyone in the courtroom like this. He's so still. He's still in the corner.

Amber Heard is twitching. Because he knows how to act in this corner. And then every fucking recording that was fucking up, because they don't show the whole thing in the fucking news, in the media. They don't show the whole thing when the whole fucking thing went down because fucking amber heard just shows clips and shit and then they show the whole recording and she's like and the recording starts and she was like remember johnny when you wanted to fight and it was your idea and then fucking johnny depp's like um you know, I don't know, I guess. I'm, oh.

She's like, right, you started everything, admit it. I don't know. And then the lawyer's like, you smashed a cupboard, huh?

And he was like, sometimes you get mad and you smash a cupboard. The fucking jury even. It's so still. It's so Still The acting is Exposed Do you want to call an order Do you want to call an order And then he shows up in a suit and she wears the same thing

The next day you see that shit That fucking creep, dude. I'm glad, dude. So many guys are getting accused of this bullshit. So many guys are getting accused of this stuff and everyone's scared to speak out. And then Johnny Depp is just like, I've got $800 million. I've got the time. But I'm not in two franchises anymore.

Play the whole recording. Everyone. In the jury. This was still. He's got acting in his corner. I mean, dude, it's like. Oh, man. So that's what it is.

So fucking she's glued to the TV watching the shit, you know, because it's, you know, that's what it is. Johnny Depp, dude, you're better now. You know, I know it's the fucking money thing. It sucks. You didn't get those fucking Pirates of Penzance movies or whatever the fuck. But honestly, dude, that's those fucking movies. Like, you don't need to do that shit. You're beyond that.

There becomes a point where you're just beyond that. You've done all the great shit. Johnny Depp did all the great shit. I wasn't a fucking fan of Johnny Depp till now, by the way. I mean, I liked him fine. But now that courtroom acting, that stillness, dude. I'm saying, what, no? Just no when he's right.

Yeah. It's a weird thing what this media wants to do the narratives that they want to push case and point so yeah oh so that's what I was going to say so I went to go get this tattoo and fucking

I went to go get this tattoo and my car is on a is on the driveway, and there's a patio overhang, and my dogs were out there all day, and when I go to get gas, because I need to get gas in my fucking car, and I got out of the car to pump the gas, I looked in the hood of the car,

bright yellow all over the hood of my car, splashed on it, and let me tell you right now, couldn't be nothing but piss. Couldn't be nothing but piss. One of my dogs fucking ripped his leg up on a pole on the patio and fucking leaked all over my car, dude. And when you see that yellow substance, couldn't be nothing but piss. I mean, dude, I'm driving around with a fucking piss mobile.

So it's got blood and piss on it. Dude called the cops. So the fucking piss is all over. And I'm like, for fuck's sake, dude, I got to drive so long to go to fucking Irvine. And so, so I pull, I, I, I was like, how do I clean it, you know, I don't have my fucking shit, and so I used the little window thing that they have at the gas station, I didn't know if you could do it on the fucking matte paint, but I didn't, it was fine, so he fucking got out of that one, yes, dude, he didn't have a piss mobile for long, so, so that's it, dude,

but my, my dogs are pieces of shit, man, you know, fuck, don't get dogs, I mean, I love dogs, I have four dogs, but don't get dogs, dude, they piss and shit everywhere, you gotta teach them and stuff, why do you want more things to teach, a son's cool, though, um, so, yeah, I love how they fucking tried to show Johnny Depp's text messages in the court like it was evidence against him. He was texting with like Paul Bettany, which is hilarious that he was texting with Paul Bettany, by the way. And he was just texting like how fucking Callan and I would text. Like, oh, no, I think she's a witch. And Paul Depp, he's like, no, she's probably not a witch.

He's like, we should burn her at the stake, shouldn't we? Ha ha. And he's like, no, we shouldn't. and then the fucking lawyer does it all out of context and he's just like so you're admitting that amber you think amber heard was the soulless witch and i'm sorry but you wanted to burn her at the stake and johnny depp's just like it wasn't just so still this guy acting in his corner. Dude, he fucking master. There should be a master class in court with Johnny. With Johnny Depp, dude.

Master class. They have Martin Scorsese for directing. Fucking some race car driver for drifting. And then Johnny Depp for in court master class. Hi, class. I'd like to tell you, first of all, we'd like to teach the first thing, which is stillness. Don't move unless you have to and wear a bug on your tie. That's step two. So, yeah.

I don't know what's going on. Elon Musk is buying Twitter. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Who knows? Everything's going to shit. Yay, dude. Twitter was bad the only thing that makes it worse worse worse is if a megalomaniac purchases it for $44 billion.

I hope they make everybody know who everybody is. I can't stand this anonymous bullshit fucking shit. I can't stand anonymous fucking tweet fucking pussy ass motherfuckers. Everybody should know. They should all be exposed for who they really are. And retroactively too. So we get to see all this shit. They're coming after celebrities for racist tweets and shit.

They're coming out fucking the producer of Jeopardy for fucking saying the N word or whatever. Oh, yeah. What'd you do, dude? Now we know, dude. Bro, sometimes I just know what's up. I was at the fucking, I was with, woke up real down today, by the way. I woke up real, real down and real dark and fucking emotional and fucking now I feel better because of this podcast. Thanks very much.

Had a black cloud over my head. Now it's a little bit grayer. So I appreciate you guys just listening. Um, yeah. So some days were a struggle. So, you know, one thing rest assured though, I always know what fucking program to watch. That's for, that's for real, dude. I always know, like my buddy came over, Mike with his fucking girlfriend and I was with my fiance and they were just, we got home, Mike and I got home and they were

talking about, you know, they were talking about stuff. Just, you know how sometimes chicks honestly just talk about stuff, dude. Like they'll just be like, and then what did he say? out stuff dude like they'll just be like and then what did he say and you're just like what i don't know it already happened you know you know what we should do for and you're just like what let's just have this fake conversation because it's not going to materialize not even because of me because you're going to either forget about it tomorrow because you're drunk right now or in a year you're just not gunwana we should just fix up an old car really what kind of car i don't know like there's old cars and i just

you don't even know what do you know what that entails no do you no well then dude just fucking shoot an arrow through my chest i want to watch my blood come out my mouth so and just just blood spatting against your chin and then one of these coughs dude chris are you okay dude i bet that sounds real dope on audio only um So we got home and they were talking and I just said like, I said something, you know, and I just said something. I don't even remember what it was.

And then Mike came in and Mike's always like coming and looking in my fridge. Like he's a fucking neighbor in a sitcom and he opens up the fridge and he's just like, hey, you guys got fucking, hey, look at this, a low main. And I'm just like, bro, we didn't even say that's Calvin's, you know? And he's like, he's like halfway done anyway. So we get in and I come in and I ask him, I'm asking, you know, you know, when you, when you arrive into a house, into an area where people already are, you don't know what energy they're in. So you've got to match their energy, but it takes a little while. And here's something that's just totally true. My fiance doesn't realize that that's a thing.

All good, but I'm going to come in the way I came in with my energy, and her energy is already there. And guess what her energy is with her girlfriend, right? Serene. Serene as shit. Why? Because two chicks drinking white wine, really feeling themselves, you know what I mean? Just watching some shit on TV like the Johnny Depp trial. You know what? mean? Just watching some shit on TV, like the Johnny Depp trial. You know what?

It's interesting because, and here I come in, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp with my energy. And I'm just like, hey, did you guys order anything? Or we should order some food. And already I feel the eyes rolling back into her head. You know what I'm talking about? And I know the energy, but now I can't stop it because I'm like a bit of a juggernaut myself, right? And then Mike comes in, he's got his own energy and he's already looking in the fridge.

He was like, what are you guys doing? Yo, you want to turn something on? And they're just both like, what this energy, whatever this energy is, you need to just. And I'm just like, yeah, but you got to respect the fucking, you know what I mean? The, the, the, The space to match the energy. I got to realize what energy you're on. And we got in a little bit of a, not an argument at all, but we were just talking about energies and shit. And then I was like, I got an idea.

And I turned on YouTube and I fucking fixed everything by turning on a fucking special on fentanyl by National Geographic. Fuck yeah, dude. Oh, it was so fucking dope, man. It was like taking an ecstasy pill because everyone was like, I don't know. And we just popped that fucking National Geographic tone pill in on the TV. And they just for a little bit were just like, I don't know. I mean, just, but five minutes in, we were zeroed in. Even Mike was like, this is not the thing to watch, dude.

Five minutes in, we were zeroed in learning Even Mike was like, this is not the thing to watch, dude. Five minutes in, we were zeroed in, learning all about fentanyl and the problem, man. I mean, dude, we know how to make that shit now. We know how to fucking sell it. We know where to go to buy it. We know how many people are dying a day. There's so many, by the way. And we watched the whole thing, dude dude but it was like one of those investigated journalists you know it's like you know it was one of those journalists that was

like can't stop telling you that they're a journalist you know it was like a 40 year old woman that's just like being a journalist i've been in some sticky situations as a journalist and i went to journal i went to a place as a journalist and a journalist and i was in asia and this is and this is coming from me a journalist who was in the underbelly. They're always in the underbelly of something, you know? It's never on the fucking regular belly or above the belly. It's always, and this is the underbelly of crime in Newark that we don't know, that we haven't seen, and that we were the fucking, as a journalist. We were at the fucking, as the journalists, and so I'm following this journalist around,

and she's like, dude, some of these journalists, they just want to get capped. You know what I mean? They just want to get a fucking bullet to their head, a stray bullet from a neighborhood, from a bad guy that they're not even interviewing. Dude, the way they go in, they're like, first of all, it's like, we know fentanyl's bad. I know fentanyl's bad. And guess whatl's bad and guess what awareness is great i saw this documentary and maybe fentanyl's even worse than i thought but are you a guy like me watching a documentary and then that's it people talk about awareness like it's great but really awareness is nothing because you're just

sitting on the couch eating a bag of fucking Funyuns. And then after the documentary is over, you go to sleep, you wake up the next day, and you fucking, you just go to the fucking supermarket, you drop your kids off. You're not thinking about fentanyl anymore. You don't do anything to help. Awareness is great, but if that's all it is, you're a sucker. So these journalists, they got a fucking death wish, you know? They're going into these fucking, and they go in and she goes into the. So the first question is, journalists, what are you doing?

What you doing? Okay. And the second question is, hey, crooks, why are you inviting the camera crew in? You're going to get caught. And they fucking got the gas or either a gas mask because they're making meth or some shit or a ski mask and a fucking goggles and shit. And like their voice changer is just like, well, what we do is we get the shit from Cuba. And then this is where we make it. I'm a chemist, basically.

I'm a chemist. I've got it. And they just are, you're going to get caught. I don't understand. I don't understand it. And I'll never understand it. Like the film crew, like these dudes are just okay with the film. Like, do they get final cut?

Like, are they like, you know, we want it. Can you send us a Dropbox link before you put it to National Geographic, please? She's just like, it's a journalist, yeah. Can you just, can we, you can totally follow us, we're gonna kill three guys that owe us money. Do you mind, can we see Final Cut before you expose our underbelly? Yes, it's a journalist code Yes, this is journalist code. This is journalist code. And then they talk about the journalist code like in war, like you can't shoot the journalist or whatever.

Fuck that, dude. If I'm at war, everybody's dying. People are like, no, not fucking. No, not regular people who just live it. Dude, everyone's getting it, man. If I have a war against me, bro, I've seen a little bit too much Tupac to not go out guns blazing for real. I watched a documentary on Tupac once

and he was just like, yeah, I got the AK-47 and I got these motherfucking guns because when I said it in that song, I ain't going back to jail, I'm in it. Cops coming for me, I'm fucking lighting them up. And I was just like, he speaks to me. Yeah, I'm a boy from La Cunada, but he speaks to me. Yeah, dude.

So these documentaries really make you feel in some type of way for about three hours, and then you go to sleep, and then just go on with your life the next day. I just don't understand how these crooks are just like, okay, imagine if fucking bank robbers just did these crooks are just like, okay, imagine a fucking bank robbers just did it. They were just like,

sure, come on, let's go. So today we're, so today we're actually going to rob a, a bank of America. And, uh, the journalist is just like,

so when you're in the mind frame of going into like, dude, this is how crazy it is. They're literally at the fucking table. They're, they're making these drugs to sell. And you're like, you know,

people die from this, right? And they're always, it's, you know, they're making these drugs to sell. And you know, people die from this, right? And they're always, you know, it's not my job to, uh, to make sure people do what they want. I just make the product and,

or they, or they fucking compartmentalize and they're just like, well, they're definitely not dying on my shit because my stuff is all made very pure and very great. Uh,

now as for selling it and they turn it into what they turn it into, then they can die that way. But it's not, you know, Phoenix. selling it and they turn it into what they turn it into then they can die that way but it's not you know phoenix it's gonna be a phoenix april 30th what's up with this fucking i gotta i gotta see this snickers dick vein thing this is the hilarious this is fact check woke mob did not remove the dick vein from snickers bar there's a fucking 2022 title woke Mob did not remove the dick vein from Snickers bar. There's a fucking 2022 title. Woke Mob did not remove the dick vein from Snickers bars.

So, I mean, this is a real thing that woke people... This is from boingboing.net, you'd be forgiven if you never noticed the similarities between the lumpy chocolate seam that tops off the Snickers candy bar and the infamously throbable dorsal vein that adorns the human penis. Okay, I mean, who wrote this, fucking Patrick Bateman? You'd be forgiven if you never noticed the similarities between the lumpy chocolate seam that tops off of the Snickers candy bar and the infamously throbable dorsal vein that adorns the human penis. Um.

Oh, yeah, because they did the sexy green M&M scandal of 2022. Mars Company, there is a rumors that the Mars company had also redesigned the Snickers bar to better fit with some imaginary set of woke mob standards and doing, oh, so they were saying that they made it seem like Snickers downplayed the throbable dorsal vein on the Snickers. I mean, and then this, so this imposter content was published. Snickers are officially caving and removing the world renowned Dick Vane from the candy bar.

By the way, I never knew about this at all until this. Dude, if you're looking at a Snickers bar and you're like, huh, cock. You know? he got probs it's not like fucking like people are eating it like this oh fuck yeah dude snickers satisfies or whatever the fucking thing is that what it is snickers satisfies do you're not even eating it what the fuck?

It looks like you're jerking it off on your Hey, that looks like a dick vein What? You know, the throbable one Dude, chill out Let me just fucking eat my Snickers What the fuck? Hey, that looks like a dorsal vein What's that?

You know, the thing on the top of your dick that starts throbbing when you get super hard? Hey, we're awful. You need to get rid of that friend. That fucking thinks... And so anyway, they're not removing it okay so they cleared that up so thanks snickers dude thanks snickers seriously there's probably do wonders for their fucking i mean there's definitely dudes that put snickers in their buttholes you know it's funny because when you fucking shit it out it looks the same

it looks the same. Dude, the fucking fact that it wasn't on the thing and it goes plump first. Ah, shit, man. Dick vein, man. I know a guy with a crazy big dick vein. It's unbelievable. It's actually unbelievable. I don't have a crazy big dick vein, but holy shit, man. I know a guy with a crazy big dick vein. It's unbelievable. It's actually unbelievable. I don't have a crazy big dick vein, but holy shit, dude. My buddy's got the craziest,

biggest dick vein. It's unbelievable. Anyway, let's look at this. Spider-Man falls off roof and continues playing accordion. I mean, what on earth could this even be? Love it. Oh, no. Oh. Dude. He's just hanging himself. Dude, the best part about that is the sound of the accordion is what happens when a cartoon fucking falls and gets up anyway. Do you know what I mean?

It's like, like it was already he had it. He's so out of it, dude. He's so out of it that he just keeps playing. It's like that fucking, that karate guy that does the flip and then gets up and keeps going. You know which one I'm talking about? It was fucking old shit. Let's play it again.

Wow, Spider-Man, you know? Hey guy, don't do't do this you're not spider-man we tried to watch spider-man with my son holy fucking shit it was so cute because kristen here let's play it again the most hey let go bro oh my god still was kind of good ripping it. Dude, this was fucking... I love how the account is acceptable videos. So not fucking believing in itself.

Well, you know, they're acceptable. Hey guys, that's the episode for YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode on Patreon, you can. The uncut, raw, rough, rugged episode on patreon.com slash chrisdalia. And you can also get our other shows that we do,

which is Review Mode and also all of the other past Patreon episodes. Because we have one a month and we've been doing this for over a year now. So, yeah, we have like 12 episodes of Patreon. And I'm going to go throw up in my mouth a little bit. So, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia.

Binge it. Go to get the Patreon and binge the episode. See you, guys. Congratulations, motherfucking Bob. You scared the hell out of me. I'm a motherfucking, motherfucking, you