Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 25. The Story of OJ

Episode Date: July 17, 2017

It is the 25th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about Jay Z and his recent, somewhat anti-semitic rant about real estate. Also discussed: all coffee shops are closed in Albuquerque, being asked by a United employee for his flight receipt, R. Kelly, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the real babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Today's episode of Congratulations brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes.

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That's blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Hi, my babies. What's up? This is Congratulations. And I think this is episode 25. So this is the first ever episode, 25th episode of Congratulations. You guys are getting it before anybody else. Some people listen to it right away as soon as it drops.

You drop everything and you just download it and you definitely listen to it and you guys are the truest babies of them all. So thanks for that. But then, you know, sometimes you have work and you have other shit going on and life gets in the way and maybe you listen to congratulations the next day. It's fine too.

It doesn't mean you're not a true baby. It just means you're not one of the truest babies. So that's – so yeah. So I was in – let's see. Where was I this week? I was in Austin and it was the most fun I ever had in Austin actually. I have my two openers, Mike and Mark. And it was – they're the least austin people of all time and i feel like i fit

into austin a little bit more than they do because i'm a little bit hipper more hipster my um my book my irish friend mark who opens for me is not austin because he's irish and he looks like uh he just woke up from a bender in like the UK. And his hair looks like a fucking bird of paradise. And he's got a Hitler mustache, which is kind of hipster. But also he was wearing fucking board shorts everywhere because he forgot shorts. Not, you know, that's like ultimate hipster, but also not hipster. Like he didn't mean to be.

So it's not. If he meant to be a hipster, but didn't mean to be so it's not if he meant to be hipster but didn't so it's regular and so uk uh even though he's fucking irish so uk suck is what we call it suck um and uh and then i was with my other buddy mike that opens for me who is just basically the most regular man you would see anywhere and he is so fucking uh frat guy and that's not austin at all what's austin is um people who wear long robe like shirts and also boots with shorts and rose tinted glasses or glasses or a guy with a beard that's cut in fancy different ways, and also live music is everywhere, which also is weird when live music is everywhere. We went down that 6th Street area in Austin, and it's basically my hell on earth because everywhere you walk by, there's just live music playing at every bar.

And just like, you know, I don't know. I guess they make money, all of these places. But if you're going to have a place where like seven bars are, have one of the places or two of the places have live music. And also, don't open the fucking front of the bar so the whole street has to hear live music. Because guess what? Not in that bar. If I want to live in a live music, I'll go in the goddamn bar, but don't open it up. So when I walk by, sway too loud, got across the goddamn street. All right.

It's offensive. And also, if you're going to have one bar open doing that, don't have seven bars open doing that. Because then I'm not hearing any of the songs. I'm hearing all of the songs. And it sounds so goddamn awful. You walk by, it's like, and then you walk by another thing. It's like, you walk by another one. It's like, no, no, no.

I walk by every bar. I go like this. No, no, no, no, no. And I wanted, sometimes I want to run fast and I would go, no, no, no, no, no. I want to do it fast. Play the music in the bar. Don't open the doors for everybody. Makes me blood, bread, mad.

And, um, yeah, I don't, uh, but yeah, if I want to go listen to live music, I'll go in the establishment to listen to live music. Yay. I got a question. If you're walking through a fucking dry cleaners, if you're walking by a dry cleaners, do they fucking shoot soapy water at you on your shirt when you're walking by?

No, they don't because you didn't go in because you don't want to get your clothes cleaned because you're just walking by. So I don't want to hear the fucking live music if I'm not walking by, if I am walking by. When I walk by McDonald's, do they shove fucking burgers in my mouth?

No, they don't do that anywhere. When I walk by McDonald's Do they shove fucking burgers in my mouth? No, they don't do that Anywhere Dude, here's the deal If you're a fucking walking by If you're a bar that opens up A fucking live music shits Okay And you're playing live music

For everybody Then also open up a McDonald's, and when people walk by, shove burgers in their goddamn mouth. Okay? Same thing. 100% same thing. You're fucking my senses up.

One of them's my ear senses, and one of them's my mouth senses. Dude, don't do it. It's the same thing. Get soundproof shit, close the doors, and have all the fucking bros in there. Bye.

Closed the door, listen to the music. If I want to go in, if I want to leave, free conch. But don't fucking stall in. Don't be stalling and make me listen to some shit I don't want to listen to. What's this, The Men Who Stare at Goats? So yeah, so, uh, uh,

I, I did that in Austin and then I did a show in Austin, which was great. Um, I'm working on some new material. I mean, I'm not really where I'm working on. I'm working it in.

I already know it. You know, I, I do it at the comedy store. It's not like when I play these theaters, I'm fucking working this material. Uh, I mean,

I'm, you know, I guess a little bit I am, but I mean, everybody's seen man on fire, which is great. It's awesome. But like, if you come to my show, I mean, I'm, you know, I guess a little bit I am, but I mean, everybody's seen man on fire, which is great. It's awesome. But like, if you come to my show, I asked Austin, I think who's seen man on fire, everybody claps. I was like, okay, well, I'm not doing any of that material. Um, and then, uh, so I, I, you know, so now I, I, I'm doing a bunch of new stuff, but, uh, and

then I went to Albuquerque, um, man, remember when, before I went to albuquerque um man remember when before i went to albuquerque a few episodes back on this podcast i said if you live in albuquerque who are you i still don't know man dude i was in downtown albuquerque so you know how sometimes when you go to these downtown areas in these cities that you don't know um like it's all closed because it's the downtown area. Like, if you go downtown LA and on Sunday, everything's closed. Or if you go downtown Houston, everything's closed always. It's just how it is.

I don't know why. It's fucking weird. But they're, like, all, like, they all have a fucking, like, they don't even call. They'll have, like, a bunch of shops in a row. And then it's the district. Right? Like, there's not just one. They'll be like, oh, yeah, we were going to sell diamonds in this one shop. Oh, yeah, we're going to sell diamonds next door, shop oh yeah we're gonna sell diamonds next door too oh what's the diamonds next door too hey you

guys are selling diamonds let me get up on this and there's just the diamond district you know and then they'll be like but yo check it out let's just close all the time they're always closed you want to go in and get diamonds you gotta like call them like an appointment with some fucking russian guy but um yeah so albuquerque has the downtown area, but it's also the area where you hang out. So everything is closed except for every now and then there's like one thing that's open and everybody there looks like, you know, somebody else's cousin. Everybody in Albuquerque looks like somebody else's cousin. If that makes sense. I walked to fucking five coffee shops. They were all closed. Hey, it's Saturday at 2.30 p.m.

If you're closed at Saturday at 2.30 p.m., when do you open? Dude, what do you want, siesta? Fuck, is this Italy? We'll be right back. We're going to go eat pasta. No. I feel like their siesta is they go do meth. Losing listeners.

Albuquerque, dude. It's so hot. It's also one of the only places that's so hot outside and even hotter inside whenever you go anywhere. You're like, oh, you got air conditioner though, right? Hey, hey, guys, turn the air conditioner on. Hey, somebody else's cousin, turn the air conditioner on hey somebody else's cousin turn and turn the air conditioning on i feel like if you walk up to anybody in albuquerque albuquerque and you say hey are you frank's cousin they just be like yeah uh-huh hey are you rick's cousin um yeah it's a weird place man it's a weird place and every

Yeah, it's a weird place, man. It's a weird place. And every fucking thing there is Salbuquerque. Dude, the artwork is Salbuquerque. Like there's no other artwork anywhere like this. It's like it's so fucking I don't even know what you would call it. Like it makes me think of like Aztec shit. That's probably wrong. But like every mural of any person the person has

a nose ring in their nose any mural of any person they have a fucking nose ring if they have a picture of johnny cash on their fucking side of their building johnny cash they're like well we have to paint the nose ring on the johnny cash this is albuquerque put a fucking give him a hula hoop thing that he's jumping through and a fucking put a nose ring we want rings they're crazy about circles there man their fucking artwork is insane about circles salba kirkie um so i did the venue i did the shop the show and there were a bunch of people there and it was 150 fucking degrees in the place and i was sweating my balls balls off, but also wore a white shirt, so it was okay. If I wore a gray shirt, it would have turned black.

Shout out to Cody. That was fucking pink as shit, dude. Everyone in Albuquerque is like, there's a lot of white people, which is very weird because it's so sunny, and I don't know how everybody's so pasty white, but they're so pasty white. And Cody was there, a guy, a fucking pasty white guy named Cody that was pink as shit. Like, you know guys that can't get tan, and they just go outside and they get pink as shit, and they just look like a dick? Like a fucking, they look like balls. They literally look like a hot dog. They look like fucking Sammy Sosa does now.

You know what I mean? Oh're sammy sosa no you're just cody cool get a tan um yeah dude looks like an uncooked hot dog uh and he was an air force pilot and i i fucking had some fun with him on the show. He's a good guy. He's a good sport. So shout out to Cody and his Hawaiian wife. That was dark as shit. He was so white and his wife was dark as shit. And it was so funny. Like, like together they would have a fucking tan person.

So anyway, that that's what I did. I did Albuquerque and it was cool. Couldn't wait to get the fuck out of Albuquerque and offence Albuquerque but also Yalbuquerque so you know what I'm talking about because if you don't know oh by the way if you're listening to this and you're in Albuquerque who are you um

so that was they were fun though good shows man um I fucking went to So that was, they were fun though. Good shows, man. Um, I fucking went to go to my, uh, uh, I went to, I was, oh, oh, I had to fly United. I had to fly United, dude. I got to United. Uh, and first of all, I got to United and they were like, um, I checked in and I had to do, uh, I had to fly like connecting to, I guess Albuquerque because that's what it is. Yeah. Because who the fuck's flying direct to

Albuquerque, no matter where you're from, you can't fly direct to Albuquerque. Even the people that would get on your second leg of the flight directly to Albuquerque. Even the people that would get on your second leg of the flight directly to Albuquerque, they have to go somewhere else too. They can't, they're like not allowed because it's Albuquerque. Oh, and by the way, wait, before I even talk about the flying thing, everybody in Albuquerque wants to show you things in Albuquerque. That's how you know it ain't, that's how you know it's fucking bullshit. My driver's like, those mountains over there are elevated, uh, 20 degrees different. Uh, just so you know, you can hike. My driver's like, those mountains over there are elevated 20 degrees different, just so you know. You can hike

up there. It takes about a few days, and people do it. Over here, we got the conglomeration of Yadidudi. I do if you want to, and you can check these out in 450. Over here,

these are the clouds. These are where the clouds come together. And a lot of times it rains. And they used to call it the... And instead... And so that's that. Over here, we have a mural that was painted 40 years ago by... And the mayor...

Pissing. And, dude, I swear to God, you'll walk into anywhere. I walked into the hotel and they were like, these are the original, these are the owner's chess pieces that these are the owner's chess pieces that the owner personally collected from his travels all over the world

and I'm thinking, don't give a fuck, don't give a fuck and what they're in, they're shelved in the original card holders of where they used to and used to hold the cards. And then she showed me a picture next to the cardholders, a picture of the cardholders from 19-fucking-12 or whatever. And she said, and there's the picture. There's Hilton. There's Hilton standing in front of it.

And so if you want to see it, piss, piss, fuck shit. Stop showing me things. Give me to my goddamn room. I felt like I was going to wake up in the middle of the night and I was going to wake up and there's going to be somebody next to me dressed in a fucking hotel uniform. Just like this pillow is from 20 years ago. If you know who slept on this bed. This pillow. This pillow is a fucking, fucking, yeah, so I got to, so United, I got on United, and every now and then you have to fly United,

even though, hey, severely fuck United. We all know, why, how is it still a business, by the way? I saw, like, honestly, I saw schoolboy Q, change it, who's a rapper, change name, barely fuck united we all know why how is it still a business by the way i saw like honestly i saw schoolboy q change it who's a rapper change name um and uh he tweeted that they put his dog on another flight bro if i flew with my dogs first of all here's the deal if i was a piece of shit who flew with my dogs okay because i got bottom got bottom line for you. Do not fly with your dogs. If you're somebody on an airplane with a dog, jump out. No, but jump out when it's high up. So it's all good. So you, so you die, you die and your dog dies. You take a parachute,

you land safely wherever you want, wherever you want. Hopefully you land in Albuquerque, then to know who you are. Okay. But dude, if I, now, now let me say something very sincerely. Now, if I was a piece of shit who flew with my dog, okay. Sincerely, if I was a goddamn worthless piece of shit who flew with my dog. Okay. If I was a waste of human flesh that decided to take my dog on an airplane. All right. Now, if that's the kind of person I was now, there are people out there. And if you are, if you're the kind of person I was, now there are people out there. And if you are, if you're the kind of worthless piece of dog shit that flies with your dog, okay. Now, if I was that person and I decided to take my dogs on a plane and they put my dog on another flight,

I don't know how angry I would be. I mean, how does that happen? First of all, I don't even understand how it works. You just carry your dog on the flight, right? Unless, wait a second now, are you a piece of shit who flies with the great dane you gotta store it or what what is it up in the cockpit on the second chair dude don't fly with any dogs okay don't even i barely fly with babies you're gonna fly with a baby my buddy flew with his newborn first flight ever bought chocolates bought chocolates for everybody on the flight.

Didn't have to, but shows everybody, I'm sorry. You got to travel with the baby. I get you got to travel with your family. I get it. Dude, I fly all the times, all the time, Safaran. I fly all the time. Guess where my dogs go? Home.

They stay there. Now, I'm saying, I don't mean to ruffle feathers, but it's because I'm not. A hot steaming pile of shit. Dude. So, but if I did fly with my dogs and United put my dogs on another flight, dude, rat-a-tat-tat. Rat-a-tat-tat. Rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat dude i mean come on man schoolboy q change it um nah but he's a good rapper i'm just fucking around i'm just fucking around but uh yeah so anyway so i

got to ununited and i was gonna fly to albuquerque from austin and i get to the thing and it's like so i you know i paid for the first class ticket or whatever on the first leg i where do you fly first houston it's like a fucking 14 second flight they're like it's like all right here we go to houston all right we're gonna okay seat belts on all right now you can unpack buckle your seat belts okay okay now buckle your seat belts for uh for landing we're about to land that's how long the flight is you could drive and uh and then we flew to but the second leg of the fucking thing wasn't first class okay now i paid now paid for first class now you can imagine the things you

can imagine how mad i was already because i have to fly united all right now you can imagine how mad i was when i got the second ticket and it didn't say first class and it said boarding group four now paid for it boarding group four what i can do is i could ball up this ticket find a united agent and just shove it up their fucking ripe asshole i could do that okay but i try to keep my cool i walk over to a fucking united person and i say excuse me now now i now i assume look you work for the fucking airline you're gonna know the answer to my question because my question is gonna be a basic question that you've definitely been asked before because i'm not gonna say something that hasn't been asked before because I'm just a customer who's trying to fly somewhere. So I asked the guy who, um, I say, Hey man, uh, I paid for first class, but, uh, I only got the first leg first class.

And the second leg says, uh, I'm not a first class. And he says, can I see your ticket? So I showed him the ticket and then he goes like this. Oh yeah. You're not on first class on the second leg. And I said, yeah, I understand you're're saying that and so is the ticket saying that however who pays for first class for one leg of the fucking trip that makes zero sense at all so he says he looks at me and he fucking actually asks me this and expects me to not knock him out he says

do you have your receipt hey man i looked at him like he had fucking i looked at him like his face was a fucking pig face like that's how confused i was i looked at him like his face was shelving units. And I said, I took a few beats because I thought he was fucking with me. I thought maybe he knew I was a stand-up. And I said, no, I don't have my receipt. And I tried to say it with enough venom in my voice because,

hey, dude, what was i supposed to pull out what the fuck was i supposed to imagine if i was like oh yeah hold on let me go into my bag and get my receipt for this flight who the fuck has a receipt for a flight united hey dude i should have fucking looked at that guy and asked him why his nose was facing my nose hey dude why is your no i should have said that dude i swear to god but i didn't want to get in airport jail i should have said hey man i should do you have your receipt i should have said i should have immediately said hey do you have your receipt oh wait before i answer that why is your nose facing my nose? Because your nose should be facing the same way. And I should be behind you

fucking you up the ass for asking that question. Turn around guy, dude, come on. Where's your receipt? He looked at me seriously. Where's your receipt? Hey, guy, has anybody shown you a fucking receipt for a flight ever? Even in the 80s. Turn round. Turn round here. United Terminal. turn around here united terminal turn around here

so I can fuck you up the ass turn around here for asking for a receipt yeah for asking for a receipt yeah oh my god dude so then i get to the gate i'm like i'm like i just say nah i don't have mercy man never mind i'll i'll fucking figure it out so i get to the gate and i'm like hey uh ma'am now still on united i say hey uh what's the deal here why do i not have a first class ticket when i get to houston to albuquerque because i have one from austin to houston and she says let me let me pull it up for you so nice

she said okay cool so she says oh it looks like there's not first class on um not first class on the second flight because it's going to be a fucking small plane okay okay there you go there's the answer there's the answer you fucking idiot there's the answer now look i know it's a first world problem i get it dude i sound like an asshole i'm arguing about first class but if you pay for the shit you get the shit that's it i get it oh he's arguing about oh he's complaining oh so yeah okay you pay for the shit you get the shit if i pay for a burger and you give me fucking half a burger. Where's the rest of the burger? If I get, if I get, if I pay for a burger and then a guy pays, I think gives me half of the burger and I say, Hey, where's my other half of the burger? And he says, do you have your receipt?

I'll shit all over the place. I'll wait till I have to go and then shit all over the place. Sir, why are you still here? Hey, drumming up some shit. Sir, you've been here for four hours. Yeah, I don't have to shit yet. That's why. When I do, I'll shit.

Then I'll leave. Come on, dude. By the way, there's spit all over my shorts because I'm passionate. Yeah, dude. Do you have your receipt imagine the look on my face for the people that know me and like are kind of like true fans imagine the look on my face when that guy said do you have your receipt i should have said yo you know what you did oh so then i tweeted about it i was like like, hey, fucking...

Oh, and then they went to fucking... They were like, there's a delay on the flight. There was a delay on the flight. And I was like, motherfucker, of course. I was going to miss my connection to Albuquerque. And I tweeted, oh, what do you know? Fucking United fucking up again. Don't fly United.

And then they actually said, never mind. There's not a delay. I feel like they saw my tweet i'm not that important but you know what i mean um so yeah um and uh uh so i i by the way dude here's another thing about austin i forgot to mention when I started talking about Austin here's something that just needs to stop dude when you visit a place don't don't

I don't even know how to say this every fucking place I visit every single place I visit at least four times people will say every fucking place I visit, every single place I visit, at least four times, people will say, oh, you know where you gotta go to eat? And every time I go,

where? And they say some fucking place. Oh, the fucking steak at Yachty. Oh, yeah? Oh, you gotta steak at Yachty. Oh, yeah? Oh, you got to try the tacos at... Not... Oh, yeah. Dude, they got the best fucking French bistro gunk, dude. I'll go where the fuck I want.

I'll go to Quiznos. I'm not... Imagine... What's with the food? Everyone. Oh, you gotta try the... Oh, you're in Austin? Oh, you're so lucky.

You got great food. Like, I'm just gonna be eating and eating all fucking day long until I'm squirting out fucking taco meat in my asshole. Throwing it up. Oh, you gotta try... I'm here for fucking 14 hours. Oh, you know what you gotta try? I'm gonna eat right where the closest thing is, man. I'm here for fucking 14 hours oh you know we got to try i'm gonna eat right where the closest thing is man i'm here for work uh great just deleted all my notes

um hey you know where you gotta eat you know you gotta try yeah i'm gonna try the fucking hotel lobby food. Thanks. Blue, what do we got here? What am I fucking, what am I doing here? Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Do you know that?

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i feel like the guy could come out with anything though he's like beyonce he's the male beyonce come out with anything people be like it's amazing people would just be like it's fire as many people say beyonce you fucking you go yay you go yonce not yay fucking you go yonce he'll be he'll be it'll be like it's fire i just like jay-z is like starting to turn into fucking what's his name uh simon and garfunkel paul simon is that his name where he's just like talking it now and sayingfunkel paul simon is that his name where he's just like talking it now and saying things and you're like wait is this a song though like it'll just be like yeah i bought some art you're like oh yeah i bought art i bought some art and it'll be like boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom yeah i bought some art boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, I bought some art.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It costs about a million dollars. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I bought art from Jews. How about that, dude? He mentions Jews a little too much in his fucking album. You know why Jews have a lot of money? Because they save a lot of money.

It's part of their culture. I bought art from them. Jews love art. This song is called Jews love art. No, no, no. The song would be called like hello. And you'd be like, oh, what's this one about? And then all of a sudden you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

These fucking grubby Jews are buying art. Oh, shit. Oh, my God why do jews have all the art when i want some art i bought some art for one million then a year later this jew told me it was two million i mean dude you know why why Jews have all the money Like alright man What the fuck happened with you and a Jew Jews Jews have all the buildings

Try to buy a building from a Jew But the fucking Jew Took the building And then roofied me And then fucked me in the butt I mean the song Where he mentions the Jews and then roofied me and then fucked me in the butt. I mean, the song where he mentions the Jews like that is called The Story of OJ. Nothing to do with it.

This is the story of OJ. Anyway, what's up with all the Jews? Why they got all the buildings? Like, what? I lost my mind. The Jew put a roofie in my drink. Fucked me up the ass. So now no matter what the song is,

I talk about Jews. Because I got some deep issues about Jews. Oh, man. Because I got some deeper issues about Jews. Oh, man. Kind of hungry for a salad. Maybe I could order one from a Jew. Go down to the cafe, pass some Jews while I'm going, and then order a salad sitting near some Jews.

Do you guys have matzah salad what do jews eat around here i want it test the story of oj what like come on dude holy shit I'm sweating so hard. The more I laugh, the more sweating I get. That's fucking weird, dude. I can't wait to give my art to my children. Oh, fuck. I wish Jay-Z heard me do that. You know, that'll never happen.

But I wish it did. Fuck, man. me to do that you know that'll never happen but i wish it did fuck man it's like no none of it is like uh it's just like i don't know the way jay-z does it is just like he's talking to us like paul simon like paul simon would be like yeah i walked down to the market today and bought a piece of chocolate. And then I ate the chocolate and then I went home. But what happened though? Did you pass Jews? I want Paul Simon and Jay-Z to do a fucking song.

Paul Simon's like, went to a baseball game, went to a baseball game. How many Jewish players on the team though oh so funny so fucking funny god damn i'm sweaty as shit oh man i mean dripping is the fucking air on hold on i don't know fuck it um all right guys look it's time for most uh the most fucked up instagram post of the week uh-oh the most fucked up instagram post of the week and uh we got one right here uh some of you guys send them to me and i appreciate that because i can't be uh looking for the most fucked up instagram post of the week but this one was i believe this one was sent to me i saved them um now i'm not

going to say the name uh and this time i'm going to read the comment first and then describe what's in the picture um okay so here it is from this uh this this woman i guess yeah she's a woman for sure uh main thought exclamation point the individual himself is a fallacy uh-oh dude first of all that's where i stopped reading the first time and i was like oh shit and i looked a few other buzzwords throughout the whole thing this is a long one but i looked through and i was like oh shit this is gonna be amazing all right because the words fucking you guessed it is the word right. Because the words fucking, you guessed it. Is the word, is the word cosmically in it? You guessed it.

Is the word unity in it? You guessed it. Is the word misconceptions in it? You guessed it. Belief? You guessed it. Is the word fallacy in it again? You fucking guessed it.

Do they say cosmic love? You fucking guessed it do they say cosmic love you fucking guessed it dude these are all real words that are in this egoism you guessed it altruism you guessed it all these words are in this same post this is why this is the most fucked up instagram post of the week now here we go main thought exclamation point the individual himself is a fallacy. Everything which happens in us is in itself something else which we do not know. The individual, in quotes, is merely a sum of conscious feelings that, oh, oh.

Conscious feelings that I, sorry, it's getting hard. I can't get past that without shitting myself conscious feelings and judgments and misconceptions a belief a piece of the true life system or many pieces thought together and spun together a quote unity that doesn't hold together this is what she's saying we are buds on a single tree. Nah, we're human. But that's what they said. Dash. What do we know about what can become of us from the interests of the tree?

Oh, you hear this, dude? But we have a consciousness as though we would and not. Sorry, we would and should be everything, a fantasy of, quote, I, and all, quote, not I. Stop feeling oneself as this fantastic ego. Learn gradually to discard the supposed individual. Discover the fallacies of the ego. Recognize egoism as fallacy.

The opposite is not to be understood as altruism. What the fuck? This would be love of other supposed individuals. No. Get beyond, quote, myself and quote yourself experience cosmically freaking cosmic love bro all right now i don't know what that means now i I'm willing to understand. Maybe I'm a fucking idiot. And maybe that means something that's incredible. Because there's 109 comments.

But here's the deal. The photo is of. The back of a girl. And she's naked. Okay. Okay? Okay? And you knew it was going to be of that. She's fucking naked with a thong on,

and she's talking about cosmic love. Now, if you're naked, and you got a picture of your thong, the caption should be about your asshole. It should be about your booty. Not cosmic love. Not how we are buds on a single tree.

Nah. Only buds you should be talking about are your dingleberries. Because it's a shot of your asshole. Dude, what is this world coming to? Now, maybe I'm an idiot. But these comments, dude. Look at these guys trying to fuck her. You're a stunner and an intellectual the world we

know boundaries are what thought as education to fit in careers but heeding to the wise and their dark sayings is boundless where we're from what's our purpose where we go after flesh and return to do it all over again and again hey Hey man, go to a strip club. Get a hooker. The fuck is this idiot saying? Some guy writes, sweetheart Bezos. Some guy writes, this photography is truly sexy. Hey, get a hooker.

Some guy writes, some guy just writes oily ass. Hey dude. And his fucking, oh wow. Some guy writes incredible, incredible physique. Perfect. And signoring the caption. Some guy just writes, send me something. Oh, here's the comment. Some guy just writes, send me something. Oh, here's the comment. Some guy writes, LMAO this shit, Chris D'Elia. That's who sent it to me. Oh my god, dude. Some guy writes, you should smile more.

On a post of her ass. How do you know she's not smiling? Some guy writes, beauty butt. Safarian. Dude. Get a hooker, guys. This guy had it going. Says the girl putting up thirst trap pics. Really? Some of you IG girls realm need to stop it.

Realm. I think you meant to say real. Real. I mean, yeah. Get over your ego. Don't fucking post about your ego. Don't this and that. Hey, here's a picture of my ass in a g-string fuck you coulda get a get a fucking tattoo that says you coulda on your ass

i don't know man super weird um all right i, uh, now I'm going to the tags babies. Cause you guys tagged me all up this, this, uh, this week. Congratulations. Pod tag. Seeing who's going to game the system.

Who's not. Um, all right, here we go. Um, latest. all right here we go latest uh have you ever been shit on by a penguin no that's a stupid fucking thing this guy's trying to be funny i think jesse benbrook at jesse ben bro okay cool at jesse benbrook uh maybe he did get shit on by a penguin because he tagged it zoo trips, but whatever. But I saw a guy get shit by a bird and it went in his mouth. And I was like, game over, motherfucker.

R. Kelly was saying about how, according to BuzzFeed report, parents are accusing R kelly for allegedly holding their daughters in a cult you know like hey man what the fuck holding women against their will in abusive cult i mean you're not if you're holding them against their will it's not a cult man you're gonna fucking be in a cult you're joining because you won that's how my cult is you're joining because you won my god oh wow somebody's got a fucking uh i'm gonna retweet this joey bats at state football absolutely change it fucking state football in the meantime somebody fucking like some

state football team is like trying to get your fucking handle and you're just joey bats like a fucking piece of shit um yakuta he says and there's a fucking license plate on an audi that here's another here's another one from kelly robinson at k underscore robinson 1988 um at chris at chris leah thoughts on people who bite the middle of their popsicle first like goddamn psychopaths all right look i like i don't that doesn't bother me but i like that it bothers you that's the kind of thing that we need to move this fucking cult forward these kinds of thoughts because we need rules for our cult do you understand we need that to happen like you know and the rules are constantly adapting and changing like for instance there were no shorts for a while but now there are as long as they're fucking nice jean shorts.

That's how it came from. I'm the prophet, and that's how it came from above. But thoughts on people who bite the middle of their popsicle first like goddamn psychopaths. Now, here's something I would say to that person, Kelly, if she's a baby in my cult. You know, fuck R. Kelly, by the way. That shit is whack. i'm talking about the real shit dude um uh if it bothers her so much and she thinks that if you do that you coulda then what you got to do is present a case to the fucking to an elder and then he presents it to me

but i like that i like that when you have a passionate thing about that like if someone thinks if someone has seen that a few times like i don't think that this is something that happens too much but you know maybe she lives in a place where popsicles are fucking like always getting bitten in the middle first and if you are then you present the case and we say look you can't do that or you're a cootie you're ousted from the fucking cult so good job kelly robinson bringing that to me i'm not sure if it's a fucking thing here but um somebody sent me a thing with relationship goals what do you think about these goals for relationship matt sent it at mk ppo9 i mean change it make it a little easier obviously but um relationship goals picture where a guy is holding a gun aiming it and a girl is in front of

him holding a gun aiming it both of their pants are down and he's fucking her doggy style uh if that's your relationship goals i hope you slip and shoot each other in the head by mistake. Okay. Free conch, free conch, but don't. Um, anyway, um, Oh yeah. Here's one. Andy at a howler three.

See, here's another one. You come to my call. You come to my thing, bring it to opinion. Uh, what is your opinion on grown men who wear athletic shorts under their pants or jeans?

Yeah. Well, you seven, if you do that, you seven or you Blake Griffin about toin about to play all right if not then you know don't do don't do but you're gonna wear fucking athletic shorts under your jeans first of all you freezing because you're gonna sweat and you have swamp ass so much but that's so insane to do that actually i've seen people do that and

they go it goes all frumped up under their belly with red fucking shorts and they're fucking buttoning they're like who what lunatic would do that this is a great thing for the cult like nah you get rid of the athletic shorts period how about okay you got to wear i mean unless you're working out even if you're just chilling like get out of here dude putting pants under pants ever pants under pants is ridiculous underwear is the only acceptable thing me undies and it's because fucking you're gonna sweat probably maybe or you know if you get a little bit of dribbles of piss on your fucking underwear you don't want to get it on your jeans or corduroys or khakis or cargo pants uh we're winding down um and i'd like to thank all my babies here and uh i would like to say that the merchandise is

going quick man go on my website chrystalia.com and go get a free cunch shirt or um a shirt about um or a shirt for the podcast so you can support it or uh you got other things that uh you know like tour shirts and stand-up shirts and all that shit uh i got the tired eagle shirt um but there's two new shirts this the Freak Conch and the other one. What is it? Congratulations, it says. Support the podcast. Rate and review the podcast on iTunes, please.

Stitcher, Google Play. Tweet me at the hashtag congratulations pod. Or not ash. I'm sorry. The hashtag congratulations pod. And then I got some upcoming shows. Let me read them off to you. I should have done this in the first. I always forget to do this shit in the beginning.

And by the way, also, you got to watch the special Man on Fire. If you haven't watched Man on Fire yet, if you haven't watched Man on Fire yet, very cool that if you have, but if you haven't, get on that when you can. It's streaming on Netflix, so you can watch it whenever. And the other ones there too, incorrigible still, that was there about three years ago. Uh,

I got some ones coming at some shows coming up, Montreal, Nashville, Hollywood, California, Salt Lake city, Utah, Phoenix,

Arizona, Tempe, Arizona, Spokane, Charlotte, Irvine, California, Melbourne,

Sydney. And I'm trying to work out some other dates and, uh, I'm trying to work out some other dates in, in, uh, Irvine, California, Melbourne, Sydney, and I'm trying to work out some other dates in Australia, considering I'm going to be over there, but we'll see if it works out or not. It has to work with scheduling and all that, and venue availability. You guys are the best. You're my babies. Thanks a lot. And we'll see you soon. See ya. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Motherfucking Bob, you big fucking fucker. Motherfucking right in the motherfucking mouth, motherfucker. Bought some fucking artwork for one million. A week later, it was a million and a little bit more.