Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 251. The Vyvanse Boy at Sea

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris discusses his recent time at sea, his dislike of Taco Bell, and The Staircase. Plus he shares his thoughts on the Chappelle attack.   Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy we are. It's episode 251, and I know that because episode 250 was the last one. Is that right or am I wrong? Good, we got it. I knew it, but then I went, you know, I was a little insecure.

am I wrong? Good. We got it. I knew it, but then I went, you know, I was a little insecure and then I asked one fire and he came through with the shit. So one fire, when one fire comes through with the shits, one higher. Um, so we're starting the episode now and it's, it's, you know, absolute legitness so far. We've got, uh, shows coming up. I'm going to be in Atlanta, Georgia, September 9th. Washington, D.C., September 10th. September 23rd and 24th, I'll be in Stockton, California and Oakland, California. October 7th and 8th, I'll be in Peoria, Illinois and Rockford, Illinois. First, I'll be in Raleigh, North Carolina. October 22nd, Savannah, Georgia. November 5th, I'll be in Denver, Colorado. Cheyenne, Wyoming. And then November 12th, Boston, Massachusetts.

December 3rd, Jacksonville, Florida. Go to crystalia.com and get those tickets. They're going fast. Love you guys. Did Phoenix. Was so great. Got the vlog out now or whatever you want to call it. I don't know if it's technically a vlog or not. I don't know if I do vlogs or what, what it is. It might just be videos. I might just do videos. I don't know what a vlog is. I don't know what a

fucking YouTuber is. Maybe I'm a YouTuber. Maybe I'm a, maybe I'm an absolute YouTuber. Um, and either way, dude, he's pushing forward. He pushes forward. He does some shows. He does more shows and he pushes forward uh to get out of the darkness and we are good um so chrislea.com for shows and we've got merch too we've got uh the merch popping off chrislea.com go to chrislea.com chance to win that jacket the life rips um uh letterman jacket which is absolutely i mean it's the drippiest shit what are we gonna do it's a drippiest shit so i mean you know you put that on you go whoopsie daisy it's the drippiest shit dude so um yeah man phoenix was beautiful did we talk about phoenix last time or did we we did we

talked about phoenix last time i just keep thinking about it because i keep thinking about how wonderful it was and i don't use that word lightly. I don't, you know, I keep thinking about how wonderful it was being with my son. I went on a boat. I went on a boat, dude. Oh, fuck Pack up we gotta go I went on a fucking boat

It was somebody's birthday party and I went on a fucking boat I gotta go Dude Smooth sailing baby Didn't wanna go Wanted to support a friend I gotta go. Dude, smooth sailing, baby. Didn't want to go. Wanted to support a friend. Went. Had a good time, dude.

Now I go on boats. You know what I mean? So if you want to talk to me about boats, I'll be like, well, I was on one that was made in the 60s the other day. And I like when it's choppy. Dude, and someone's like, you want a motion sickness pill? And I go like this, no. And they say, well, what if it makes you nauseous? And I say, it won't.

I move around constantly. And they say, fine, but keep your eye on the horizon. Didn't and didn't up, Chuck. I don't get fucking emotion sickness. That's for the birds. I know it's inner ear shit inner ear shit, but also dude, my inner, my inner ear is all gravy, man. Both of them. My inner ear is all gravy, both of them. So the choppy shit was going crazy and I was standing and guess what? I guess what I realized

my core is way better than I thought it was. I got balanced. I mean, I'm crazy. I'm like a gymnast walking the beams and everyone's like, why aren't you holding on? I'm like, oh, I guess I don't need to. Dude. And I'm the only smart guy that wore a fucking hoodie and sweats Everyone was coming up in fucking shorts You know what I mean one of those Tommy Bahama shirts I'm like just watch how cold you are I showed up the dude on the boat was like The dude that was working on the boat he was like

Oh dude you dress perfect man And I was like shit man am I a boat guy So I got on the boat, dude. And yeah, he wore the Amiri shit and it's fine. And he also wore the Amiri pants. I know you thought of, but it's all good, man. Did they match? Yeah, dude.

It's fine, man. But he's so fucking ridiculously hot. He's practically up and coming. Oh shit. But he's 42, but he's youthful, right? But he's sitting on the boat and he's up at the top and nobody's there and it's fine because he's feeling all good by himself hey guys come up here he said nobody heard him because of the whir of the fucking engine of the boat come up here he

said again and still nobody heard him so he stayed up there like a fucking captain and just took in the sea dude oh i took in the sea standing there with a miri top and bottom just taken in the sea not being nauseous at all dude it was fucking unreal sunsets are beautiful at sea and now i know that i went below deck i went above deck and i went on to the triple part dude i went up to the fucking second upper deck, dude. It was really great. There was crazy fucking music and it was too loud, but I was enjoying myself. And I don't even know.

I got there and I was like, how am I going to do this, right? I was like, how am I going to do this? And my buddy Mike was there and he was just like, oh, I showed up. I walked up because I locked the car and I walked up afterwards. And I showed up he was just like, oh, I show up. I showed up. I walked up cause I locked the car and I walked up afterwards and I showed up and he was like, yo, what's up? You're just like a cool guy or what? You think you're cool? And I was like, no, what do you mean? He was like, I don't know. You just like walk up and people are like, who's that? I'm like, well, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm just walking. And he's like,

yeah, but you know it. And I'm like, bro, why don't you just chill? And he was like, oh, whatever. I never been that guy. And I'm like, you got deeper. You got issues. He's like, yeah, there was a guy in fucking high school that was always like that, man. And I fucking was like, why is he like that? I'm not like that. And I'm like, so deeper, but then I'm introspective, right? Maybe I wasn't introspective three years ago, but now walls down. I started thinking about why am I that guy? Am I putting people that are in length? What's important is I'm chilling, right? I'm relaxed in myself and I'm chilling, right? No walls up. I mean, people don't have to know everything about me, but they need to get my energy. They need to understand me and my

energy. So I was like, what do I do, man, and I was sitting around, and Kristen looks at me, and she's like, you want to vibe ants, and I'm like, great, I'm being a piece of shit, I'm being a piece of shit, dude, she's like, you want to vibe ants, you seem, great, he's a piece of shit, he's standing in a parking lot, and he's a piece of shit he's standing in a parking lot and he's a piece of shit so i just go like this you know i never did drugs in my life ever i never fucking did prescription drugs in my life ever so i was like okay fine uh i've you know in the past two years i i took my first fucking xanax so i'm like you know what sometimes he's a zany boy he likes to fucking trot out to zany island right he goes like there's one ticket to zany island I'll be back when I can I don't know when when the when the when the boat comes back but he'll you know what I mean not the boat that I was on but the fucking proverbial boat I don't

even know if that's the right word but I've heard people say it so I'm like look Vyvanse whatever you know one time she gave me a little bit of it a half a one I took it did nothing so I was just like she was like you want a Vyvanse And I go like this man this is either going to be The bullshit time or the best time Vyvanse doesn't work and I just go like this Give me the whole thing She gives it to me I pop it in my mouth

I take a swig of my iced Americano Now that's how you know I mean business Because I don't do an iced Americano And take it with a pill Ever I don't do that because I feel more dry and then I need to take more water. And I, you know, these are just, this is the minutia of my life. The basic shit that you don't need to know about, but that you secretly need to know about because that's me.

Right. So I take the fucking shit. I take it with the ice americano. Now I'm dry as shit and I'm pissed. I took it because now I'm extra dry. Didn't want to take a sip of the ice Americano. Washed it down. The Vyvanse is here.

Okay. Now we walk on the boat. Not vote because vote is nothing. Not when it comes to boats. So I say, can I have the, can I, can I, can I, we get on the thing. They're like, do you want anything? I said, water. I took the water.

The Vyvanse travels down my esophagus the boat starts going the chop starts hitting new friends start introducing themselves and all of a sudden dude your boy happens to be by mistake whoopsie daisy whoops i slipped and fell and became the life of the party. Now, whoops, the boat's going, yenta, da, da, da, fucking chopping. You guys are like, it's choppy. Now I'm just standing there. They want to take a picture and i'm game dude they want us to pose for it now you know me i like candid shots you're not going to see too many pictures of me like this

you might see some like this because i like candid shots when someone says get together i go like this in my head i go oh why don't you just capture the moment why are we creating a moment when moments just exist on top of each other get this moment but your boy took a vivance So he's posing for pictures like he's goddamn Drake, dude. So he's careful with the Vyvanse, you know. He took one Vyvanse and he takes some days off because he's not going to be a Vyvanse boy. I mean, he's a Vyvanse boy on a boat.

Right? He's the Vyvanse and he takes some days off because he's not going to be a Vyvanse boy. I mean, he's a Vyvanse boy on a boat, right? He's the Vyvanse boy at sea. But, dude, he's not a Vyvanse boy. Anyway, I had a great time, dude. I showed everybody what was up with my core, not holding on to railings unless I absolutely needed to. Almost fell off the boat once, you know, but that's not even my fault because the shit was so choppy. And then I said to the guy, yo, people must fall off the boat all the time. And he said, only men that are six feet and above because their center of gravity is higher and we have to fucking go and get them. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude, imagine falling off a boat, how harrowing.

And you know what? Just kill me right there. If I fall off a boat, I'm dead. Don't find me. I'm done, dude. I get it, dude. Go bye. I lost. It's all good. I had a good run. You know how scary it would be to fall off a fucking boat and just see him go and they don't even know everyone's so drunk wait where the fuck is chris where's vivance boy what the fuck what happened to the dude uh uh uh just fucking cloaked out in amiri gear what happened to fucking drip central oh the amiri is weighing them down it's weight it's wet now yeah man so we had a good time man we had a good fucking time and there were 25 people on that boat and uh it was somebody's birthday and we had a good time and you know for sure there was covid all over that boat let me tell you the number one thing that is on a boat, COVID.

Maybe in 2019, the most thing that would be on a boat are like carnation pink short pants. But now, COVID. COVID took over the boat game. COVID goes like this. Yeah. Okay. Carnation shorts.

We got this. 2020 came in and COVID goes like this. Yeah. Okay. Carnation shorts. We got this. 2020 came in and COVID goes like this. I see those carnation pink shorts. Move aside. Kids who have dads that are lawyers. We've got it from here. Fucking COVID showing COVID showing up to the boat with a bunch of pink carnation shorts dude people start for real man covid showing up to the boat dude covid showing up to the boat Pink carnation shorts going like this Fuck yeah dude Amazing COVID showing up to the boat dude

COVID showing up to the boat with the fucking With the pink carnation shorts Aplenty Right here DJ Kavi Carnation shorts aplenty. Right here. And then everyone. Dude, Coven showing up. Convict music.

I mean, what else do you want from me, i'm a vivance boy dripped out in emiri um so i did that you know somebody was like you know hey you're having a lot of fun and i'm just just like, all right, dude, am I? And maybe I'm a drug addict, too. I have no fucking idea. And of course, it was a coke or heroin or, you know. But there's great drugs out there and only do it responsibly with a prescription. I have a prescription. So go fuck yourself if you're like, whoa, Chris, be careful. I mean, there's going to be inevitably.

I know I want you to activate the algorithm and leave comments and become friends in the comments. And you can let me know what you think, but I know people are going to be like, I mean, there's always that one guy. Well, Chris, be careful with that.

Five ants. My aunt took it and she, you know what I mean? And I'm just like, yeah, but I'm not your aunt, dude. It's not like I'm going nutty,

snorting it, dude. I should snort it. Don't snort it. Um, so I like a boat. And then of course, Kristen is just like, we should get a boat. Can a chick go on a boat and then of course kristin is just like we should get a boat

can a chick go on a boat without saying you know what you know the number one thing a chick says on a on a boat is you know what it's not even we should get a boat it's you know what like that anytime you hear your girl say you know what you're in you're losing fucking 20 g's at least if you're if you're a rich dude and if you're not a rich dude you're losing fucking 800 dollars there's a sliding you know what you know we should do oh just you know what put your hands in my pockets fuck it you got my car you know what i just you got my card that's what the the response is for that i'm not getting a boat you know you know where we should oh dude we just gotta drive through a nice neighborhood you know what it wouldn't be half bad you know what what why don't you

do you ever would you ever live move to the marina we're building a house in fucking the san fernando valley yeah but we could say you know what if we sell the lot and we're already We're building a house in fucking the San Fernando Valley. Yeah, but we could say, you know what? If we sell the lot and we're already doing it, dude, we paid the fucking deposit. You know what I mean? File's done. For no reason. Didn't know what it was had to look at it so yeah dude

i told this story on lifeline and i'm going to tell it my way too so my brother doesn't interrupt me he doesn't interrupt me he's great but i'm just going to tell my version of it dude because some of you don't listen to lifeline if you listen to lifeline you got to listen to life if you don't listen to lifeline you got to listen to Lifeline, you got to listen to Lifeline. If you don't listen to Lifeline, you got to listen to Lifeline. It's my new podcast with my brother and we take advice and we take questions and we give advice to it and it rips. It's just great. It's already bonkers crazy. It's going fucking dummy viral. So it's all good, man. You know, and that's not my fault, dude. If the people want to watch it, they want to watch it. And I don't want to be like a dick, but you're welcome. But also you right it's a symbiotic relationship i get into the fucking i'm going to lifeline and i'm like you know what have i call the producer

i was like yo can you please order me one of those burritos from that banging place i can't do it because you know postmates you can order from another place on postmates but it's always more difficult because they're like are you actually at this place are you far away like you're an idiot you're like just fucking send it where I'm guessing. All right. At least make it on me. Don't ask. It's just so I'm like, can you just have just can I get you get the thing, get the vegan

burrito and your boy eats meat. I don't want you to think I'm some woke cock. I don't want you to think I'm some guy that's quote unquote in tune with his body and spiritual. I'm not, dude. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a spirit. Okay. So they're like, I'm like, can you just get me the vegan burrito? And the only reason is because it's good.

And I don't want to have something heavy before I bang it out on all cylinders on Lifeline. Okay. It's also on this channel. Subscribe to the channel, by the way. also on this channel subscribe to the channel by the way we love you subscribe to the channel click that shit right now thank you i love you but i get to fucking lifeline and uh you know he orders it he goes yo gotcha burrito will be here get there to the building as soon as i get to the building guy shows up with a postmates bag fuck yeah dude john, great timing.

Okay. I walk in. It's the bag. I judge the size of the bag. I know I only got one burrito and nobody else got anything because I'm on a group text and everyone said nay. Now I look. It's a fucking size of a burrito, my baby. So I'm happy, dude.

Johnny, great timing. So we get into the elevator and sure enough, what button does the guy hit? Well, the guy with the burrito hits the same button that I'm going to hit because he's going to the same floor I'm going to go because that's my burrito he's holding. But I have options here, right? I could either say, yo, I think that's my order and have him be like, okay. And then wait till we both get to the door. So I prove it to him because obviously I'm not just, so I'm not just whack job in an elevator. And then he hands me the burrito as I walk into my, my, the door that we're both going to, or I could not say anything, which is a little bit weird because it'll seem like I'm following him

until we get to the door. And then I have to be like, Hey, that's my burrito. And also it makes me seem not observant. Now I don't want either of those things. I don't like awkwardness and it takes a lot for make me to feel awkward, dude. I've stood on a stage bombing in front of hundreds of people. Okay. I can handle being in an awkward elevator ride. As a matter of fact, has there ever been an elevator ride? That isn't awkward. I got this.

But I don't want him to feel like I'm not perceptive or observant. So he hits the floor, boom, doors, shoo. We're trapped, and I choose to say, ah, is that the burrito? And he says, yup. And I say, it's mine. And he goes we go up high of course we go up high we go up real high because we're at the top of the floor because we're no bitches dude we don't have a studio ground level we've got a studio above the clouds and the reason is because we're not a bunch of bitches

okay we swallow hard and we move forward pause we swallow hard pause we swallow hard and the only direction we look is up. Pause. We take copious loads in our throats and say, thanks, dude. Pause. We suck large amounts of cocks. They get off in our mouths and then we turn around and they take turns on our anus pause okay then we hold hands and we watch america's sweethearts pause but that's the kind of motherfucking gangsters we are right now i don't even know at the beginning of that fucking run what the hell i was talking about but that's all so that's what happened so we so we so he chuckles you know because we're both in the same elevator he's got the postmates for me and a fucking oopsie daisy dude it comes to a screeching halt he's got gucci shoes on what the fuck this doesn't add up the profile of this guy it doesn't add up

because who's uber eats in or postmates in in some gucci flip-flops maybe somebody but that guy has bad priorities and fine but that's what i judge this guy is but i used my mind and my intuition to think something's up right like if that guy all of a sudden beat the shit out of me i'd be like should have known had some postmates with the gucci flip-flops on that's on me trust your intuition so so we get out of the elevator, on the same floor, we walk down the hallway to where it splits. I go one way,

he goes the other way. Now that's okay. And let me tell you why, because this guy doesn't even know this building. He's my postmates guy. But then I'm like, I'm hearkening back to the days where I asked this dude in the elevator, is that the burrito?

He replied, yes. And then I said, that's mine. So he knows he should follow me. Why did he split off? So I'm looking over my shoulder like I'm Batman. I'm looking over my shoulder like I'm in a comic book or a movie made by fucking, you know, Zack Snyder, which I'm not. I'm absolutely not in a movie made by fucking you know zach snyder which i'm i'm not i'm absolutely not in a movie

name about made by zach snyder but if somebody were to tap on his shoulder i'm the dude that looks behind like this you ever see in movies when a fucking jackass gets touched on the shoulder they always look at the hand first and then at the guy that's by the way the most asinine and dangerous way to look at somebody who just fucking basically assaulted you from behind if you look at the oh he looked oh he's gonna look at the fucking just fucking basically assaulted you from behind if you look at the oh he looked oh he's gonna look at the fucking thing shanking his eyeballs glug glugging out shanking his throat fucking glug glugging out right sorry dude you looked at the hand not my face you could have defended yourself but now you're glug glugging out you're busting off like a sprinkler on the side of your neck excuse me are you a ventriloquist

so anyway dude he splits off and i'm like all right maybe he didn't hear me or whatever but then he gets into another apartment and that's when your boy realized, oh shit. This sucks. I was wrong. He lives here and he was carrying his own food into his apartment. And we just had the moment that I wanted to not make awkward turned into a very awkward moment. And your boy felt it. Because I looked at a dude,

pointed to his food that he just picked up in a small confined space and said, Hey, bud. That's mine hey hey man what kind of fucking lunatic does that and i'm proud of myself dude i'm honestly proud of myself because i did something so cool and so insane and i didn't even know it and my life's same. So what I'm trying to get at is I'm going to do more shit like that. I'm going to do more shit like that. Fuck it. Why not? Why not walk into an elevator? A lot of people learn from their mistakes. Well, let me tell you what I

learned during this mistake. I'm just going to say whatever the fuck I want to anyone. Cause it doesn't matter. He just laughed. What a bitch he is, huh? In his Gucci flip flops. Why didn't he say, what do you mean? Dude, if I was in an elevator and I had my food that I just picked up and some dude looks at me and says, is that a burrito? By the way, it probably wasn't a burrito. It could have been anything. Maybe it was because he said yes. And I, and then the guy said, that's mine.

I'd say, what do you mean? Hey buddy, help me clear this situation up. How about? Who are we, Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam? Because we're some Looney Tunes now. And I wasn't even on fucking Vyvanse. And then I waited for a little bit longer, and the fucking producer was like,

I don't know what's up with your Bruto. It's taking a long time, and then I told him the story, and then I said it again on Lifeline, and that's the third, that's the fourth time I told it, because I also told it to my family. Hey, yes,

his Johnny tells the same story too much, dude, but that's what comedians do, and that's how, when they realize, maybe I should say it on stage, and now I probably won't, because I said it on two podcasts, hey, yes, dude, people will think that ripped off if they come see me live, dude, I actually heard that stuff on the podcast, whatever, man, don't push me, you can get the don't push me merch at crystalia.com, what's up, dude, your boy's changing, your boy's living, your boy's growing,

he doesn't stop, the second you think you got life figured out, that's when the cookie fucking explodes, that's not a saying, I didn't want to say that's when the cookie crumbles, I should have said that's when the cookie crumbles, but you know me, and if you know me, and if you listen to every episode of this podcast, or other podcasts, you know I haven't had Taco Bell Bell since I was what, 19, that's 23 years. I haven't had Taco Bell in 23 years, 23 years. You might be like, well, why don't you just say 25? Why don't you just say 20? And I would reply because I know it's been 23 years. And then you'd be like, why? And then I say, because I remember when I vowed never to eat Taco Bell ever again. And then you might say, well, how do you know exactly when that was? But then I would specifically say I was 19 because that's when I was at NYU standing

outside of a Taco Bell that I just ate. And I thought, you know what? That wasn't that good. I'm never going to eat this again. And I'm going to remember this moment for the rest of my life. What a fucking lunatic, dude. But I did it and I fucking stuck to it. And I didn't realize that that was my OCD in effect until a decade and a half later, dude. He's got problems. OCD, anxiety,

dark thoughts. Sometimes when it gets real bad suicidal ideation, sometimes when it gets real bad suicide. It's all good. Not lately. your boy grows he doesn't eat taco bell and he hasn't done it in 20 now i haven't eaten burger king in 15 years except for one time they wanted to pay me some fucking racks to do a commercial for him and you know your boy doesn't say no to bags so he went back on his ocd swallowed the anxiety swallowed the big mac and carried some bags home okay one fire shaking his head but you know it's

true it was a whopper not a big mac because that's see that just goes to show you that i don't really eat that much fast food unless it comes to fucking in and out he shaked his head because he shook his head because it's not a big map. It's a Whopper. But I ate it, dude. And I thought I wasn't going to like it, but then I put it in there, and I realized that shit is chemically engineered to make you like it, and I liked it. So I ate one burger, one Whopper in between the fucking dude.

This podcast is the most interesting podcast. If you're a part of this fucking shit and you're gripped, you're on the edge of your seat, or you're listening to your cubicle, or you're driving your Prius and you're listening to me. First of all, you're a cuck if you're in a Prius, but we love cucks anyway, dude. We love them all, man. I love you no matter what you're driving, dude. Yeah, you're in a Prius and you like to watch your guy, you like to watch your wife get

fucked by other guys, and maybe you're on your way to go watch your friend fuck your wife, whatever it is, dude. You're listening to me. You're on the edge of the seat. You're listening about my Burger King stories stories and you are with us dude this is basically the virtual tall grass outside of the log cabin and you're wearing your white and we're sharing our ideas and it's my turn but uh yeah dude burger king man took it ate it and it's all good now i haven't had taco bell in 23 years and of course that's my ocd a little bit

activated but i still haven't done it and life's going fine without the fucking gordita so i didn't get the gordita but i was hanging out with a couple here we were at my house hanging out with a couple dude couples by the way i love the dude in the couple and she loves the chick in the couple so holy fucking shit is that heaven have you ever met a couple that you hang out with and you both like them both equally the same dude you gotta i mean what the fuck man you lucked out the other person always sucked imagine being the fucking fourth person that sucks in a fucking two two couples right you don't even know you're that guy you don't even know you're that guy yeah but i'm fucking i don't really i really don't like dave

honey yeah but or she's like yeah but your friend he's just like he's a mooch you're like yeah but he's fucking been my home it's usually a dude you your friend, he's just like, he's a mooch, and you're like, yeah, but he's fucking been my homie, it's usually the dude, you know, yeah, but he's been my homie for a long time, so they came over, we had a blast, dude, we had a blast, we had a good time, we're watching fucking shows, by the way, we watched The Staircase, we watched The Staircase, dude. We tried to watch it with Colin Firth. And you know Colin Firth. Colin Firth, what is he from? He's from the fucking political stutterer or whatever the fuck that show's called. King's Speech.

Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. Only person who could do the fucking King's Speech role better than him is me. I guarantee it. Dude, you put me in front of the shit. Woo, woo, woo, woo. Lie, lie, lie. just waited on bated breath about what i'm gonna fucking say but i can't get it out because of a condition so anyway so i get to the fucking so we get we're watching hbo max you know it's a good streaming service i

watch hbo max and it's got the staircase and i like col Firth and I like Frances McDormand, dude, or whatever. Not her. I always mix her up with Toni Collette. They're the same person pretty much. Whatever. Is that sexist? I don't know, dude. Colin Firth is the same person as my dad when he was 50, so it's fine.

But Colin Firth is in this shit. He's one of those dudes. He's playing an American. It takes place in fucking Durham, North Carolina. It's a real story. Now, I'll get back to the Taco Bell stuff, but you know how I go. My shit is like it's all splintered and shit. It's a real story about, and I'll get back to the Taco Bell stuff, but you know how I go. This is a, my shit is like, it's all splintered and shit.

I tell a story, I start telling a story and I tell an offshoot of it. I got the, this is an octopus story, right? We started the beak and then all of a sudden he's using the tentacle to color the story and he'll get back to it at the end. We'll get back to the beak, but right now we started a Taco Bell and we're talking about a murder.

Or maybe not even a murder. We don't know. Well, the jury was in and then it was out. And then he took a fucking Alford plea and it's all. He's out of jail now. But whatever, dude. It's a show about a guy who maybe threw his wife down the stairs. We don't know.

Or bludgeoned her and then put it over at the stairs. And then she was fucking dead. And they put him away for 15 years and then decided, wait, there's evidence and then fucking took him out of jail and he's like i never did it but also two of his wives fell down the stairs so it's like okay though hmm we may mean when they figure that out right so uh i'm watching the staircase and colin firth is acting it up he's one of those dude that's a fantastic actor but no no matter what he does, he's British, dude. He's just too British. If you're that tall and that lanky, you're just British. If you're an old guy and he's got glasses on because the real guy's got glasses, but also it makes you look more British. If you're that tall and lanky and you got glasses and he's just like so proper spoken and it's not even how he's doing.

His accent's good, but behind his accent is always like, oh, he's British though. He's got a British feeling, but he's doing his best. And I think he's doing a great job and he's probably going to get nominated for an Emmy because nobody gives a fuck about anything. And he's British and they give Emmys to so many Brits, although he is white. So maybe he won't get an Emmy because nobody gives a fuck about anything and he's British and they give Emmys to so many Brits although he is white so maybe he won't get an Emmy because people are really pushing that whole fucking you know so I'm watching The Staircase and it's it's good but it's one of those shows that you're sitting and you're watching and then you're like wait a second there's a documentary about this isn't it it? Five and six of us are watching it, the couple and my assistant, and then another, no, it was five of us. And there, somebody said, let's just

watch a documentary. And I say, I've already seen it. And they say, I know, but, and then the more I watched the fucking staircase and I'm like, okay, let's watch a documentary. I've seen the documentary already. And just for those of you that think it came out on Netflix for years ago, it didn't, it came out on fucking somewhere else. I bought it on iTunes. It was the first thing I ever saw on an iPod. On one of those fucking iPods with the video. It was the first thing I ever

saw on an iPod video. This was like whenever that came out, 2006, 2008, 2004, I have no idea. 2010, whatever it was. I watched it on the plane like this, dude. So small, the screen's so small, I'm just... And the guy does a documentary while he's out on bail

saying how he didn't push his wife down the staircase. Now that seems like a fucking ridiculous idea. Just shut up. If somebody thinks you're accused of a crime, hey, practice touching your top lip to your bottom lip. You know what I mean? Hey, did you do it? Even if you didn't do it, don't even say no. Just let's play an exhibition game where your top lip team joins your bottom lip team 100% of the game, right? Because you're just going to say some dumb shit.

Did you do it? No. Well, where were you? I was at the pool. Well, she died near the pool. Well, okay, I wasn't really near the pool. I mean, I was near the pool, but I don't think I could get there by the, whoops, you're in a whole bunch of hot water.

Get there by the whoops, you're in a whole bunch of hot water. You could limit that heat of the water by practicing what? Say it with me. Touching your top lip to your bottom lip. So anyway, I'm watching this shit and I'm like, all right, we'll take a vote. I'm in this show. I'm into the show and the HBO Max shit, but let's fucking take a vote. We take a vote, dude.

Do we want to watch The Staircase on HBO Max streaming with Colin Firth? Or do we want to stop and start watching The Staircase, which, by the way, we've all already seen, except I haven't seen the remaining two extra episodes on Netflix that came out three years ago. But I'm fine with that, because I'm over it, dude. You're not going to get me. I'm not no sucker.

So they say everyone votes for the fucking documentary, and I go like this hold on i want everyone to have all the info first before we vote right because that's who i am dude i like to get all the shit out there and then take the real vote i don't take the first bitch ass vote we talk about it and then take a real vote so i say we've seen two episodes of this staircase streaming with colin firth right there's one episode left that's out. That means, you know, it goes to episode eight, but then this is really important, dude. This is the

minutiae, but this is so important, dude. And if you're a fan of mine, just listen, dude. I say, we have one more episode left on this streaming shit. It's 1244 AM. And now I remember this. We're only going to watch another hour of television. Let's get through this one. And we watched the third episode of the staircase. We're all caught up. Then we go to bed. And maybe next time we watch a documentary and we watch a documentary until the new episode

of the staircase comes out, or we just say, screw it. And we start watching the documentary. And that's all I wanted to say. I wanted to say my piece. Now, who wants to watch a documentary? Everyone else. It's like my fucking words were just, yeah, yeah, everyone documentary. So I lost, but I lost, at least I said my piece. So I go, all right, dude, I'm a good guy. I'm not going to fucking stall in this fucking streaming shit. If they don't want me to fucking, you what i mean mussolini this streaming shit so we switch platforms we watch netflix yeah sure he's got a bad taste in his mouth about it but he turns it on and we start watching the staircase and that's when i learn about this new oh there's

two extra episodes and they explain the owl theory. I know you know about this if you know about the staircase, but there's a large fucking population online of actual smart people that think an owl flew in the window, attacked the woman's face. She fell down the stairs and then the owl kept attacking her head and that's how she died. And to the people who think that my only response is no. I'm no detective, but no. I'm no blood spatter analysis, but no. I'm no owl, but no. The defense team was like, well, she could have slipped and fall eight times.

Slippery, that explains the pool of blood and the blood on the soles. She could have slipped, hit her head, got back up, coughed on the wall, slipped, hit her head again, slipped, hit her head again, got back up, made a coffee, come back, slip a little bit more,

watch some fucking Seinfeld, binged a little bit, slipped, fell some more, woke up, did some fucking jumping jacks, slipped, fell some more, called her mom, slipped, fell some more, woke up, did some fucking jumping jacks, slipped, fell some more, called her mom, slipped, fell some more, died, bled out. Or her husband bludgeoned her with a fucking poke. What do you call them? Fucking stoker.

And look, I don't know what happened. All i remember is when i saw it back in 2000 and whatever i thought well they didn't prove it but he went to jail for 15 years and it's like dude get the fucking owl on the stand you know imagine imagine hello mr uh owl i've got a few questions for you who me um i'd like to you do you know who is living in the house uh that you were allegedly near uh objection your honor, your honor sustained. Do you, uh, know, uh, the man that is a, uh, being, uh, prosecuted here? The man right over there. That guy with the glasses. It's the man right there. Me. Well, I don't really, honestly, Your Honor, know how to get more specific. Ooh. Your Honor. Ooh.

Just the judge standing right here. Ooh. Okay, I misspoke. She's sitting, and she's wearing black. She's right here. Ooh. Never mind. So, where were you December 9th, 2001?

Ooh. That's honestly not even a, I'm not talking about a person. Ooh. A person is like oh chill chill chill order you 100% the worst bit we've ever done on this podcast, dude. But fuck yeah, we do them and we're proud. We do them and we're proud, dude.

Fuck yeah, we do them and we're proud. And you can sit there and laugh. Yeah, dude, interview the owl. Get the owl. And then apparently there's people in the south that's it's actually a big problem owls really do sometimes attack these people's faces because they feel like they're threatened the southern people when they talk you're just like can we Can we... No, that's all I'm saying is that there are owls out there that are aggressive to humans because we are encroaching in their... And you're just... Area, and we have cut down some trees

that they do fancy living in. Who are you? We have cut down some trees that they do fancy living in. Who? You. So we're watching the staircase and they all get the idea. And by they, I mean hankering for Taco Bell, it's a woman who's drank a little bit, you know? And the guys go, sure. And then they eat more than the chicks, obviously, because chicks, you know, they'll do like half a fucking cheesy gordita. And the dude's like, yo, dude, I'll house that. chicks obviously because chicks you know they'll do like half a fucking cheesy gordita and the

dude's like yeah dude i'll house that so they say do you want taco bell and i'm a little bit offended because know me friends no i don't want taco bell and they say you sure and now i'm doubly mad because i've already answered and you also should know but also no and then they say okay and then they go to order and they say, are you sure you don't want anything? And I don't say anything because number one, know me number two. Also, I answered it. And number three, you're being disrespectful now. Trust. I know my opinion. So I just stare and they go, all right. So they get some cheesy gorditas and some nachos and shit. And it shows up up finally and it's way too

late you know the postmates driver is doing the thing where he's like oh no that address actually doesn't exist like they'll just say shit sorry i'm late there was a dragon in the way postmates oh dude you know what happened i don't care you might actually there was a fuck crystalia rally i was trying to get through i actually believe that sir um so anyway we get to the fuck and they get to the door they get to the door and we get to the all the gorditas show up and they're like and and they still you want a bite and i'm like look you know this about me i haven't had taco bell in 23 years and then my buddy says how do you even know that? And I go through what I just told you.

I said, you know, because I remember the moment. And your boy was 19. And it's probably an OCD thing and whatever. And then Kristen says, okay, will you please try this? What the fuck is it called? Berry Blast. Do you know what it's called? It's like the new drink at Taco Bell.

Baja Blast. That's what it's called. Baja Blast. Is Baja a fucking flavor? Like- what it's called it's like the new drink at taco bell baja blast that's what it's called baja blast is baja a fucking flavor like you know it's not right does anyone ever fucking try something they're like mmm tastes like baja the fuck out of here call it berry or whatever and i say no i'm not going to i'm not going to i'm not going to drink that i don't want toast. And she says, please, I knew you were going to say that, but just try it for me. And now I'm put back on my heels. Why? Because why the fuck do you care so much? What kind of Baja shit goes in my mouth? And she was like, it's so good. And I just want you to

experience it. And I say, this is not really like the kind of experience that I want to have. And she says, please, like for me. And I say, why for you? It's for me. And just because I want to share this and you're growing and you're growing as a person and you're trying new shit. And I say, bitch, I just went on a boat.

You think just because I'm not landlocked anymore that you can just throw a Baja blast inside my face? No, no, no, no, no. You're pushing your luck. See, this is why I should have never got on that boat, right? Before you know it, I'll move to Silver Lake, have a twisty mustache, a monocle and a top hat, and people will be asking me if they could pass go.

I'm me motherfucker so i'm like i don't want this baja blast and she says please and i say babe look i really i appreciate it i don't want the baja blast and i say why do you want me to have it if i don't want it she's because you don't know you know you don't want it and i said, because you don't know. You know you don't want it. And I said, I haven't had Taco Bell in 23 years. And she says, but this isn't even really Taco Bell. And I said, where'd you get it? And she goes and walks away. And now I'm the bad guy. Woo-hoo! I don't consent to this Taco Bell, though.

You're pressuring me. And then my buddy says, you're a fucking idiot, man. It's so good. and then i ask his girlfriend and i say is it good and she goes like this literally like this and for the audio for the audio listeners it was a very deep uh concerned look and a nod up and down like i'd love to be on your side but this baja blast is is really something to write home about so now i'm like everyone's against me dude i lost the fucking staircase hbo max traumatization of the fucking documentary and now i fucking i I lost the Washington documentary.

And now I'm going to lose to this Baja blasting. But my OCD is strong. But then I realized it is my OCD. And I said, look, baby, it's my OCD. And she's like, oh, really? If it is, then I won't bother her. And now I feel like a bitch. So yes, she's winning all accounts.

Yes. Not only on the bad guy. Yes. I'm a pussy. Yes. He's a scared pussy, which is something that his ex called him and that's when he realized that was the end of his relationship yes dude yes

you don't call someone a scared pussy unless you want the relationship to be over and then I fucking took it and for a few weeks I lived with it and then Bill Burr asked me how my relationship was once at the ice house and I said well it's weird because she called me a scared pussy and he said nah you gotta get rid of her and that's when I realized I had to get rid of her.

So thanks, Bill. So it's a deeper, but I'm not a scared pussy and I'm not going to let the OCD demon, as they say, control my life. So I say, I, you know, technically it's not really from taco bell you can get that anywhere so i fucking i mean i know they do specialize with the baja blast but it's probably just like sprite and fucking you know spot shot and some ice so let me just fucking you know it's like neon i'm like i'm not gonna look i'm not gonna like look. I'm not going to like it. I promise. And then she goes, well, with that attitude. And I'm like, no, no, I don't want you to do that because I wasn't done talking.

Whoopsie daisy. We interrupted me. If I drink it, I'm going to let my walls down. I'm going to sip it twice. And I'm going to absolutely give you the God's honest truth from within my heart. And she says, okay. And I say, I'll try the Baja Blast. Because it's not technically Taco Bell.

It's kind of just in their drink system. So she says, here. And I grab it. I smell it. Because I want to know if I actually sincerely don't want to grab it. I smell it because I want to know if I actually sincerely don't want to drink it because if it smells putrid, I'm just not going to put it in my mouth.

I smell it. It passes the smell test. It smells bad, but I'm like, okay, I'll do it. I take one sip. I let it sit. I don't judge it yet

because I'm not a piece of shit, dude. I take another sip. Just because I'm not a piece of shit, dude. I take another sip, just like I said I was. And my buddy's girlfriend says, ooh, that means he likes it. And then of course I feel my blood inside my heart because I said I'm going to take two sips to make a good judgment. And now she's trying to push an agenda. Okay. So I take that second sip and I said no I didn't take that this is the kind of shit that this is the kind of fucking life that I have

this is the shit that like we talk about and I say no I said I was going to take a second sip because I wanted to judge it fairly because I told you I wanted to judge it fairly because i told you i wanted to judge it fairly and i'm a man of my word okay and she said okay i let it sit in my head i didn't just taste it with my tongue i tasted it with my head you know you ever taste something with your whole head that's when you really know how banging it is right you don't just let it fucking ruminate on your palate. You let it envelop your whole fucking head. I let it envelop

my whole fucking head. And it turns out that the Baja Blast from Taco Bell is fucking awful. And that's the God's honest truth. So I hand back and i say it's awful and i mean that with my heart and they go oh come on and i say it tastes like windex and i said to the guy does it taste like windex or am i bullshitting and he goes like this i mean you know and i go ah so it does taste like windex a little bit it's not good dude i hate to say i told you so but i gave a god's honest review of the baja blast and it's bad so fuck yeah now i kind of i danced with taco bell right i didn't take taco bell but i danced with it in the soft moonlight a little bit. Do you know what I'm talking about? I didn't eat Taco Bell,

but I let it dance on my taste buds into the palate and also ruminate in my head a little bit without eating any meat, cheese, or sour cream. So I danced with it. I danced with Taco Bell in the pale moonlight, but I didn't fuck with Taco Bell. So that just made it so I'm never eating Taco Bell again. pale moonlight, but I didn't fuck with Taco Bell. So that just made it. So I'm never eating Taco Taco Bell again. So dude, he won. Yes. He got out of that one. Fuck yeah, man.

I'm Tupac on this Taco Bell. I ain't got no mother. That's why I fucked your bitch. You know, you could listen to NPR. You could talk to me and you could listen to me and i'll have a fucking 25 minute segment on the baja blast man that's how we do it this is how we do it that's how we do it dude i was with calvin today dude and he's starting to say no they said those terrible dues might happen a little late and i guess they could say it's terrible it's not terrible he just says no a lot dude it's hilarious he's well into two years old and dude he's just been no you want to fucking hang out you want to see my my friend came over you want to see him no that's how he says it okay like he's in a fucking a french film no calvin you want some pasta no but he wants it and he just doesn't know he's in a fucking French film, no, Calvin, you want some pasta, no, but he wants it,

and he just doesn't know, he's just fucking exercising his independence, Calvin, you want to go in the pool, no, as he's walking to the pool, just wants to be a fucking dick, which is fine, terrible twos, not even so terrible, but it's fine, but today, he really pulled a hard one man i come downstairs in the morning actually i got him up i put him downstairs went back up came down and i said hey calvin can you give dada a hug good morning and he says no i don't like dada uh sweaty sad Ah, sweaty, sad. And I'll never forget it.

My son said in my eyes, no, I don't like dada. And he said it after I asked for a hug. Swatty said. I'm a motherfucker. didn't take it personally you know what i did i said well calvin that's okay you don't have to like me but no matter what i love you i don't think you really heard me because i think he was busy running off to try and find his Peppa Pig toys. But that's what I said. And I meant it. You know how hard it is to not buy shit from Amazon?

I mean, you got the app. You might as well click away and shit. I got two hair products the other day and they came the next day. And dude, now I'm fucking loaded with I'm stacking hair products to the sky, man. Hey, but Chris, you look like you never take a shower. You ever heard a product dork? Hey, he's so greasy. Dude, ever heard a pomade? You fucking dork. I can't help it because I'm fucking cool as shit looking like I belong on a motorcycle, but actually fucking, you didn't even see this coming. I got four wheels.

Hey, who's that guy with the leather jacket? Where did he park his fucking motorcycle? Oh, but dude, joke's on you. I got four wheels, but you look badass. got four wheels but you look badass oh but i must live on jocos on you avenue because i got double the amount of wheels you saw you thought so anyway um oh i gotta talk about the fucking attack on Dave Chappelle, Jesus Christ, man, it's gonna be a long episode, my babies, but, it's what happened, guy, though, they fucked him up, huh, they should have fucked Will Smith like up,

like that up, imagine if they fucked Will Smith, and Will Smith just out here like this, wow, with a broken arm on the stretcher but I was in iRobot more like iiRobot two worst bits on congratulations has been in this episode but we keep moving dude we push forward right um yeah man

uh the guy was in dude I talked to a guy that was like, I knew that that was going to happen. I got one of the, I got one of those friends that was like, I got one of those friends that like, that is the guy that's like, I was there. I knew it was going to happen. How about that? You got those friends?

I'm like, what bro? He's like, yeah, let me tell, I'll call you. He texts me. I'll call you. I'll let you know. I'm like, all right, fucking, I don't even want, all right, let's have this conversation so I can talk about it on the podcast, calls me up, pick it up, say, yeah, I'm hanging out with this dude, and the dude brushed past us, and they, we saw him come in, we saw him hop the fence,

and one of my buddies says, why don't you, to the security, you got to watch out for that guy, and they said, eh, don't worry about it it the concert's almost over Dave Chappelle leaving leaving soon and then the dude ran up and fucking tackled Dave Chappelle and the dude was so my buddy was so mad and he's the Mr. I knew it buddy you know he's the Mr. I knew it buddy and uh and yeah I guess they're not charging him as a felony they're charging it as a misdemeanor and dave chappelle which i'm surprised that dave chappelle is very uh open-minded and very um uh what do you call it uh forgiving you know it seems like a very like forgiving open-minded person and look he was attacked and it was terrible and i do think the guy should be charged as a felony because you can't fucking set a precedence that everyone's going to get attacked on stage if they're doing shitty jokes because if that is true i'm public enemy number one i don't know if you know about

this but your boy's got haters i don't know if you know about this but if this guy doesn't get charged for at least a misdemeanor if this guy doesn't get charged for at least a missy misdemeanor. If this guy doesn't get charged for at least a missing misdemeanor, Elliot, then, oh boy, I'm in trouble. When I show up to Atlanta September 9th, get your tickets at crystalia.com. When I show up to Boston at the Wang, almost sold out,

on November 12th, get your tickets at crystalia.com. When I show up to Boston at the Wang, almost sold out. On November 12th, get your tickets at chrisdalia.com. When I show up to Cheyenne, Wyoming or Denver, Colorado at the Belco, 6,000 seats. November 5th, get your tickets at chrisdalia.com. We're opening up the upper deck. There's going to be someone in there that wants to rush the stage on your boy. Because I don't know if you know about this, but you could fill my haters in the state of Nebraska. Psych.

It's all good. But seriously, though, I need to get security. Yeah, man, don't charge the stage. If you charge the stage because of something somebody said, you's a motherfucking bitch. know it's like that's fine but blah what up homie you know let my gun talk to you blah what up homie that's fine but i got heat tucked in my waist dude i should be the only comedian just fucking packing just blah what up homie somebody comes up blah what up homie whoa i was just trying to give you some mushrooms. That's illegal too. Blow it up, homie. Let my gun have a convo with you. Blow it

up, homie. I let my gat talk to me. Blow it up, homie. I was just coming to give you a fucking hug. That gets me in trouble too, dude. I don't know if you've read the articles, but I let my gat talk to me. Boy, what up, homie? Raleigh, North Carolina, October 21st. Get your tickets at crystalia.com. So that's what's up, man. It's a long-ass episode, man. man long ass motherfucking episode check out the new uh

podcast lifeline and dude i'm asking you really do me a favor here i want to see if it works activate that algorithm make friends in the comments do you have something you want to talk about share it tell us your favorite restaurant tell us comments. Do you have something you want to talk about? Share it. Tell us your favorite restaurant. Tell us your favorite hat you have. Whatever you got to do. Let's get your boy up, jump the boogie with the numbers, right? You in this cult or you out of this cult? Are you a passive listener, which we enjoy, but the real cult motherfuckers, you do the work.

You're the guys who are going to be sitting outside of a log cabin that we built, by the way. We hired people, but they're also in the cult. So we technically built it. And we're going to sit in that tall grass and we're going to have some fucking idea sharing situations. So go to crystalia.com and get your tickets. And I appreciate you guys. I'll be all of those places that I said, plus more, adding dates as well,

and adding dates as well, doing, I think I'm adding Maine for some reason. I like Maine though, you know. And where's my website here? Let's go. Where's my website here? Let's go. Where's my freaking website? Let's go to chrislea.com. Where am I going?

I mean, dude, it's not even, it doesn't even come up on Google. Like I have my website. It's the ninth thing that's down there. Everything else was Ticketmaster. Washington, DC, Stockton, California, Oakland, California, Peoria, Illinois, Rockford, Illinois, Raleigh, North Carolina, Savannah, Georgia, Denver, Cheyenne, Wyoming, Boston, Jacksonville, Florida. Can't wait.

And guys, get your merch so it arrives and wear that shit at the show. Hey, guys, that's the end of the episode. Hey guys, that's the end of the episode. On YouTube, if you want to get the rest of the episode, the uncut version of this episode, go on over to patreon.com slash chrisdalia. There's plenty there. There's extra footage from the other With Chris videos. We do another segment called Review Mode.

And then there's also one extra bonus episode a month if you sign up on the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Love to see you there. And if not, we'll catch you here on YouTube. I'm gonna write a little book on the fucking child, I'm gonna write a little book on the...