Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 253. I'm A Hooker

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris tells of his travels in Texas! Complete with stand up sets, corporate gigs, and a trip to Buc-ee's. Plus dinosaurs, Missed Connections, and so much more! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey, guys, and welcome to another episode of Congargalations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey, hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congargalations. He's mixing it up. He's mixing it up, isn't he? He really is, though. That's what they say about him.

They go, oh, is he mixing it up? And I go, yep, we get it. I am here. We got the Oops merch out there. Killing it. Got some new merch coming out. It may be out already by the time I... No, this podcast is coming out. I don't know if it will be, but there's new merch coming out.

And also, all month, in the month of May, if you buy something, you're entered into a raffle to win that fucking Congratulations Varsity jacket, which absolutely checks all boxes. Jesus, dude. The jacket checks all boxes, doesn't it, huh? So go pick up that fucking Life Rips merch, the Oops merch, the, you know, we got that Don't Push Me merch, right? You know, we got that don't push me merch, right? And, but we, you know, so, and they are entered into it. Even if you get, we got those life rips tumblers and you're entered just if you make a purchase, you're entered to win those fucking varsity jackets and congratulations. There's only 10 of them.

And dude, they check all boxes. Come on, man. What the fuck? Are you a box checker? We got tour dates coming up. What the fuck are you a box checker um we got tour dates coming up what the fuck we got crystalia coming up in atlanta georgia september 9th washington dc september 10th stockton oakland september peoria rockford illinois in october raleigh october 21st savannah georgia october 22nd October 21st. Savannah, Georgia, October 22nd. Denver, Colorado, November 5th. That's at that Belco Theater. That's a big one. Cheyenne, Wyoming, November. Boston at the Wang Theater.

Get your tickets. They're almost gone there. November 12th. And Jacksonville, Florida, December 3rd. Crystalia.com for tickets. Go on over to Crystalia.com. Give it a visit. They make great gifts. You know what I mean? They make great gifts. Don't they make great gifts? Don't gifts make great gifts? I love when people say that.

Well, they make a great gift, and it's just like anything could be a gift, right? Anything's a great gift. You know, the thing about these is they make great gifts. So go ahead and give it as a gift. Buy one for yourself. Pick one up for yourself, yourself too while you're at it but uh his friend says he can't do a Texan accent

but he's Texan and what the fuck does his friend know his friend David Sullivan says he can't do a southern accent boy oh wait but he can't can he my buddy is so Texan he tried to fucking make a uh what do you call it? He's got a ranch. My buddy's David Sullivan.

He's in that show on Amazon. I believe he's on Amazon Prime. Whatever fucking streaming service that nobody watches, it's on that one. And he's on a show called The Wilds or something or The Wild. And it's about an island full of chicks or some shit. I have no idea because i don't watch it because i am a bad friend i'm a good friend though i'll watch it i did watch a little bit of his parts he's a good actor dude what can i say my friend david sullivan he came to the laugh actor

the other night with a fucking cowboy hat on and we're in los angeles but it's all good i was in texas and he says i can't do a Texan accent, but boy, fuck that. Um, you know, and, uh, and we did, uh, I was in, so I was in Texas. I was in Austin. Here's the deal, dude. I know I was in Austin and I know people are like, what the fuck did you do a show in Austin? I did. I popped in dude, but it wasn't announced. My buddy, Michael, you was doing a show at the vulcan theater which by the way the vulcan theater is a fantastic venue in austin for comedy apparently they used to do dj shit they used to hire djs they try to get skrillex to go in and then covid happened and they

couldn't have people stack people you know close together so they put tables there to spread them out and they became a comedy venue and and it's really great, dude. The Vulcan, or if you're Mike Linoci, he says Vulcan like he's fucking, I'm like, dude, it's Vulcan. Just say Vulcan, and every time he's like, the Vulcan? I'm like, bro, you know what it is

because I'm telling you, so store that information, and then use that, right? So it's at the Vulcan Theater, and it's a great venue in Austin. The comedy scene in Austin is great. You know, I don't know what to expect. You know, it's basically it's Joe Rogan, Tony Hinchcliffe, and I think Tom Segura lives there, but I don't even know if he goes up there at all.

I know Rogan does and Hinchcliffe does. But it's kind of becoming a scene. There's other good comedians like my buddy, Yassan and Derek, and they fucking kill it, dude. They were on the same show as me, as Mike Linoci, and there's a lot of cool local comics that are up and coming,

and I went to the Creek in the Cave too, which is like a a spot that's very cool on a monday night and they had like a showcase show or something that turned into an open mic and i showed up and they were like do you want to go up and i went up on the end of the showcase show and uh you know it's really funny doing a show out of your element like they weren't my fans right like because i didn't sell tickets for this show and um and i went and they were like do you want to go up and i was like sure and i was like everybody here hates me that's my that's my thing when i told you i've told you if you've listened to this podcast i walk into rooms and i think everybody hates me and it's sad and i'm working on it with my therapist i try to fucking hope for the best but it really is something

that i struggle with like i feel like i walk into rooms and people don't like me for a reason or not. And it's been that way ever since I was a fucking kid. So I'm like, these comics probably think that this is their scene, which it is. And I'm just coming in and, and I fucking walked in with this idea of what it might be like. And I watched some of the comics and they were very good. And, um, and then they were like, do you want to go up, and I said, okay, and I went into the green room, and there those comics were,

and one in particular, I was like, this guy's gotta hate me, you know, because he was funny on stage, I'm like, he probably fucking hates a comic from LA, I walk in, and this dude says, wow, it's so weird you're in here, I drink coffee out of a Life Rips mug every morning. And I was like, isn't that just like life, dude? And it made me feel good. And it made me, you know, I keep trying to fucking store this information that I get. You know, like I get mad at my buddy for saying Vulcan when he should say Vulcan when he knows it's Vulcan. But I am living the same way because I know that this preconceived notion I have that people just fucking don't like me when I walk into a room is not true because they it's, it's ego-based. Do you know what I mean? I'm assuming that people even would, would take a look at me

and think, fuck that guy. Like either, either the, either they know who I am as a comedian and they, and I'm thinking, oh, they probably don't like my comedy, which is so insecure, but that's ego-based. Like, why do they even know't like my comedy, which is so insecure. But that's ego based. Like, why do they even know who I am? Or they're even looking at me thinking anything is ego based. Like, maybe I'm just a guy in a place. Right. And and I have to get over that.

And so and that was another instance in that green room that I just have to get over. That showed me that I just fucking, it's all made up in my head. You know, we live with these fucking constructs in our fucking heads that are just so idiotic, man. And then we have these memories that we build up that we color as well. Like truth happens. And then we color it a different way, right? Oh, God. It's like humans. We're too fucking smart for our own good and too dumb for our own good, you know? It's like that's what it is.

I wish we were either just these people that they create in movies that are like, I use 80% of my brain. This is the year 2090. Or why can't we just be a fucking lizard? Like, really? of 2090 or why can't we just be a fucking lizard like really why can't we just be some mid-brained fucking you know oh like i saw a documentary on a a t-rex the and he was like trying to it's that new thing on apple tv the previous i thought it would be good for calvin to watch until i saw a fucking t-rex eating a bunch of turtles and I was like, oh, this is too violent.

These need to be more like cartoons for him to understand. Otherwise he's just gonna, this is like dark shit that he gets. You ever put on a documentary for your kid because you think it's like about animals and then it's like, you know, the duck-billed platypus is actually very violent. It fucks

and it kills and fucks its prey. Okay, okay. All right, we'll go back to Cocomelon. And so I'm watching this prehistoric thing on Apple TV, which is done by Richard Attenborough. Of course, dude. Can there be a documentary about something grand that Richard Attenborough is not doing?

I don't know if he did Planet Earth or what, or if even there is. He did Planet Earth, and now he's doing Prehistoric Life. And it's so funny. They tried to make it a little bit different than Planet Earth, but the similarities are so striking because they got the same guy. That not only are they so striking striking that now they actually show. Because on planet Earth, he's just like, the frog is fucking licking a leaf for an hour and a half. And the mate comes. And depending on how the frog licks the leaf, the mate will come.

And look what they do. They're the only animals besides human that do oral copulation. The frog lays on its back and spreads open its frog pussy and the other frog eats it out and then um and then now it's so much like planet earth that you could have just smelled that you smelled the fucking executives being like it's too much like the fucking planet earth so let's just film so they film richard attenborough now like next to a skeleton you know have you seen it they film them next to a david attenborough who's richard attenborough oh we just thought david attenborough it should be richard you know

david attenborough and so david attenborough is it richard attenborough is the guy in dress for are they brothers they gotta be they sound the Attenborough. And so David Attenborough, is it? Richard Attenborough is the guy in Jurassic Park? Are they brothers? They gotta be. They sound the fucking same. Jurassic Park. Whatever. Who cares? He'll find out. But anyway, David Attenborough, so Richard Attenborough is the guy in the Jurassic

Park with the white hat and the white suit. They're brothers. And they're the white hat and the white suit. And anytime I see a white guy with a white hat, I say fuck. I go, like a piece of shit. And they're the white hat and the white suit. And any time I see a white guy with a white hat, I say, fuck. I go, like a piece of shit. And he knows. Whenever a guy wears a white hat, I go. around town town

and so so David Attenborough's doing the thing and they film him now because they were like we gotta film him next to a fucking skeleton T-Rex otherwise it's too much like planet earth and they film David Attenborough

and his hair's all messed up and it's hilarious because it's like, like if you watch this thing on Apple TV, The Prehistoric Life or whatever the fuck, David Attenborough, fucking whatever it is, dude, I'm going to say Richard or David, just get on board. David Attenborough's sitting there and he's just like, the dinosaurs are, you know, from a trillion years ago,

but what you might not know, and his hair is like got this fucking cowlick. And it's like, you know, the hair and makeup lady were just like, should we fix it? And then another person said, he's 107. Like what, for what? Right? Like at what age do you get to where just,

it's not even like looks are not important anymore it's just that they're not even achievable right like old guys just walk all hunched over with fucking just pink splotchy skin and they just don't give a fuck but do they still get boners do they still want i hope that goes away dude i hope that goes away one time my friend my one time my friend said do you think that when you get to heaven and i said i'll stop you right there i'm gonna answer no but he said do you think when you get to heaven like you get to have sex with whoever you want to and i was just like i i don't know man you know this is like, what is his deep thoughts by Jack Handy? And he was like,

I think in heaven, they remove that sexual urge and that you could get to just chill and it's not stressed and you're not stressed out about it. And I was like, okay. And he says that dude. And if I told you, I didn't think about him saying that every three months,

you will, your boy will be a liar. Fuck. I fucked it up. Fuck. it doesn't matter dude i i think about it all the time even though there's probably no heaven yeah worst game show hi guys welcome to probably no heaven i'm your host alec baldwin um so anyway so david attenborough does this thing and it's it's violent as shit and his hair's all messed up you got to see it and uh they make it really good though like it's one of those series that you watch and when you watch it you're like oh this is when they should make they should have never made this until now because it looked like real fucking dinosaurs that are doing this because the cgi is so good so i'm watching this t-rex

swim which by the way i didn't know about this but in five minutes i learned david attenborough said the tyrannosaurus is actually violently effective in water and i was like oh well let's i'm in you know already and so he's swimming with the young t-rexes behind him and it's like but the tyrannosaurus isn't the biggest fucking thing on planet earth it's another fucking thing a whale that's fucking like two times as big as the Tyrannosaurus Rex. And then they show the big ass prehistoric whale, you know, just lurking. And it's like, but don't worry, the Tyrannosaurus is effectively violent in the ocean as well while swimming. But what he has to worry about is the T-Rex is fucking young.

And then the T-Rex is young, is like trying to swim. And then the big ass whale comes and eats the thing. And I'm like, do I have to turn this off? But it kind of showed it off screen. Like it just showed the little blip of the T-Rex, the mini T-Rex just go underwater. And so my son just thought it like took an extra dip. And, but I'm like, I got to turn it off. Cause then they started eating a turtle and shit.

And my son kind of likes turtles so anyway i got off on a tangent because of that but really what i was trying to say is i was in dallas and austin and i don't even know why why I got off on a tangent that hard. Because even in the middle of the tangent, I was like, I still got to get back to Austin. And now I don't remember. But so I went and I did the Creek in the Cave. And it was nice. I did a set for like 30 minutes. And it was actually really cool because like a lot of the comics like the room was kind of

like empty ish and then as i was on stage i think other comics came and started watching it you know and it's always the comics that watch in the back of the room it's like there's fucking seats that are left open and the comics are all in the back of the room just judging you know so to get them to laugh is good even even even if they were you know a lot of more we're professional and a lot of them were local but a lot of them were open micers but even to get them to laugh is good, even, even, even if they were, you know, a lot of more, we're professional, and a lot of them were local, but a lot of them were open micers, but even to get them laughing is good, because, you know, comedians don't really laugh, that's how comedians laugh, ah, right, like, we'll be in the back, I remember being in the back of the fucking comedy store, whatever it is, upstairs at the laugh factory, watching comics comics and they do a joke and you're just like huh oh yeah right

like you're filing papers that you forgot about oh okay it's just our business you know and so we'll watch it and we're just like okay now yes he got okay all right so he pulled one over on me for a quick sec but i get it now um so uh yeah and then i got off stage and it was great we had a good time uh i know i didn't really want to i didn't really know if i wanted to go up and kristen was like you should go up let's go let's go up and i was like all right cool we'll fucking do it so we left calvin at the airbnb dude we took out an airbnb it's like a fucking, Kristen booked an Airbnb that was like severely discounted because it was like Tuesday through Wednesday or fucking Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

or some shit. And it was like so marked down and it was like this baller ass place with a hot tub. First of all, it was 107 degrees in Austin. Bro, anywhere besides, hey, anywhere to the east of Phoenix? Saunaville.

Dude, anywhere to the east of Phoenix? Saunaville. Take Albuquerque, anywhere east of that? Saunaville. I can deal with the heat if it's dry. Dude, anywhere east of Phoenix? I can deal with the heat if it's dry. Dude, anywhere east of Phoenix, there better be a fucking old Asian man with a towel wrapped around his midsection, too high, walking around with fucking flip-flops that my buddy in high school would have worn to soccer practice before he took the field.

Otherwise, you're out of your element, dude, because you're in a sauna. It's just too hot no matter where the fuck you are May on May on And I can deal with 150 degrees If it's dry Put the misters out My lips might crack My anus might get bloody

And instead of shitting Air will come out and go And I won't shit for as long as I'm in Phoenix Because of the heat keeping it up in my colon but dude when you step to the right of phoenix saunaville dude how do people live in like north carolina i want to i want to look seriously in your face. I know you can't see me, but a lot of you are watching. I know I can't see you, but a lot of you are watching me on YouTube.

Hey, people in North Cackalacka. Hey, just real quick, and I want to be serious. People in North Cackalacky. What are you doing? What are you doing, dude? It's's fucking you can't breathe man may on may on i mean fuck like it's so do i was walking around austin all right i go okay all right took my shirt off started walking around on the street dude all right you're gonna play like that hey austin you're gonna pretend like there's not fucking just beautiful stained oak wood within like there's not beautiful stained oak wood within arm's reach for me at all times

you're gonna tell me there's not a fucking fat russian guy with a waist high white towel sitting next to some sizzling coals you're gonna tell me that that's not true okay shirts come off right outside of j crew i don't give a fuck dude if it's gonna be that hot guess what shirts come off thank god i wore pants dude i showed up i flew in i landed i got off the plane i had sweats on oh boy was that a mistake dude i gotta fucking it's gotta be that that's what that song change clothes and go that was from when fucking straight up jay-z one time flew from lax anywhere to the east of phoenix dude He goes like this. Oh, shit. I should have had my shorts on.

Oh, my God. I wore sweats, and I touched down anywhere to the east of Phoenix. I should have worn shorts and no shirt. It's just too hot, dude. And I don't want to bitch and moan, but it's like, work with me. You're pushing me on over to the West. So it's like, I get sick of LA. I'm here and I'm like,

oh, we dealt with COVID horribly. The homeless is out of control. And holy shit, it's way too woke. And then I fly past Phoenix and I'm just like, oh. But my skin is off the charts with how unlivable it is here. Because what's with the... I mean, dude, it's just unbelievable, man. I'll take dry heat any day over that humidity. I don't know, man.

And it's fine to march. People are like, Chicago, best city in the world. Have you ever walked around any time not in September? Best city in the world. Best city in the world. Best city in the world. Chicago. You been to Chicago? Yup.

Best city in the world. For four days in September. That's what it should be. Seriously, I swear to God. If the tagline was Chicago, best city in the world for four days in September, I'd buy fucking real estate there. Because at least they're honest. It's either fucking freezing out or you got to, okay, shirts come off outside of J.Crew.

Great, good. That's how it's going to be then, dude. Work with me. Otherwise, my shirt, I'm going to take the shit off like Hulk Hogan in WrestleMania, just one arm. Why has Chris D'Elia got his hand to his ear? He's doing that fucking, you know, because it's too hot and he's doing that Hulk Hogan thing. Oh, okay.

I get it. There go my dogs barking. Shut up your incels. Let me calm down. I was out today in Los Angeles and it was fine. So I was in Austin, so hot, did two shows, two pop-ins. Mike Linocchi was like, can I promote you? I'm like, no, I may not do it.

And he was just like, please. And I was like, no, you're welcome for just popping in, but don't promote me. And it was still packed out, you know, because he kept saying, special guest. And I was like, we know who it is, dude. You open for me. He's like, I'm his best friend. Special guest,. Special guest. Big special guest.

So we had a good time. I did about 45 minutes. That's way too long. But whatever. And the thing is, I'm coming to Austin. I just don't have it yet. All right. Right now I'm working on other dates.

I was trying to get the right theater. And it's booked. Everything's booked for COVID, you know, because of COVID. All the other comedians and musicians and even magicians are out there, like, trying to get these spots. And so I will do Austin, and I will be back. And then we went to Dallas, dude. And the whole reason why we went to Texas anyway was because this person hit me up and said, hey, will you do a corporate gig? Now, if you're going to ask Chris D'Elia to do a corporate gig,

the answer immediately, no. Why? Because corporate gigs are notoriously horrible. They're worse than college gigs, okay? Because corporate gigs are a bunch of 60-year-old men that are just sitting in a banquet hall somewhere that happens to be in a fucking Hyatt Regency or a Radisson Inn and nine 60-year-old men come up and try and give inspirational speeches

about how they came up in whatever business has to do with this corporate gig and it's emotional or it's very bad. And then there's like a life coach. And then they say, oh, yeah, by the way, here's a comedian that you probably don't know about because we aren't in his demo. Chris D'Elia. And they give you the microphone and you're like, so what's the difference between men and women? You ever go to fucking Home Depotot and it's like what and these six-year-old men are like bring on paul reiser though so it's an eat shit-a-thon so i wanted to say no but then i'm like you know what what is this company i asked what the company was it's a

company called sphere rocket now obviously that's a fake company because that's not a real name but that was the name they went with and that's and i bought it and whatever and i said to kristin hey i'll do this gig if you come with me and calvin can come i want to i want to buy him a cowboy hat and she was like i would love to go to texas so i say it's on motherfucker so i said yes they said what are your stipulations i give them a bunch of stipulations and then they said yes and so i said okay so i say prepared this is going to be fucking awful i said can i bring somebody to fucking wet the room up for me you know so michael inochi came wet the room up for me I say he gonna do 10 minutes

you know they had a guy try and stand up for the first time ever and then Mike Linochi and then me so the guys so we get there and they're like hi welcome here's the green room the green room is not a green room the green room is just a room that fucking happens to be there and they're like we have your club soda and I was like oh that's amazing I actually said I want a club soda this is hilarious like i don't even have a rider people was like what's your name right i'm like i don't know man what do you think i am cat williams green m&ms and don't look at me you know i just uh water and so if you make icon club soda and if you make eye contact with me more than six seconds i shit my pants and you have to clean it up. Deal?

Sign on the bottom line. So we get there and it looks fine. You know, they're talking. There's a life coach talking and then another comedian that's trying to do stand-up. And it's, you know, it's going about as well as you'd think. It's the first time you ever tried doing stand-up. But I can't tell how good the fucking audience is because this guy's on stage for the first time ever, right, and I don't know, I don't know how to gauge the audience, there's about 300 people, 400 people there, so I say, all right, Mike, go ahead and try not to do

too much crowd work, because I might have to fucking do it, right, like like a lot of you guys may not know this but as a comedian like last resort in a in a corporate gig in a company they really want you to roast them right so so i'll that'll be my backup plan because i want, I'm supposed to do 45 fucking minutes and I can't roast them for 45 fucking minutes. Right? So I'm going to start with material. If that doesn't go well, then I'm just going to have to roast them. So I tell Mike, dude, two, do 10 minutes, but don't do too much crowd work because you might have to leave that for me. I'm going to be out there in a sea of people that don't know who the fuck I am, or maybe they do.

Right? But this is the shit that's going on through my mind. So Mike goes out there and starts crushing. Okay? He starts doing some crowd work, which is fine, and it's going really well. And then he starts doing his material, and he's doing his, like, edgy stuff, and it's crushing. So I'm like, okay, good. At least they're gettable. But also what if they just like Mike? What if I'm out there?

He's doing 10 minutes. He knows he's doing 10 minutes. He's got the confidence of, hey, I'm Mr. 10 minute guy. Here's my whole hot load for 10 minutes. And then your boy's got to go up the Mr. Hollywood. Oh, professional. Let's see what you got dude for 45 minutes. So I'm like, fuck.

And now I'm feeling it. And yeah, I just did the Creek in the cave. And yeah, I just did the Vulcan gas company. And yeah, your boy crushed a lot, but this is a different story.

And corporation get corporate gigs. are you know they're terrible so i get out there and i'm like i'm gonna do material i'm gonna get out there i'm gonna do my material mike wet up the stage just like he should have like a professional i'm gonna get out there and i'm gonna fucking just do my material, and it's going to be smooth sailing. So I get out there, and the first thing I do is I say, hey, guys, how you doing? Hey, look at this guy.

What's up with this guy? Boom, I'm in crowd work already. So I'm fucked, baby. Hey! He immediately succumbs to the pressure. Ay, yes, dude. He immediately wants to take him down to Crushville. Ay, yes, he's insecure.

He's going up. Oh, I'm going to do this, this, this. Got my whole set list ironed out in my head. Goes up and says, hey, guy, what's your name? Ay, yes, insecurity peeks through the veil he wanted to crush so soon he wanted to get to the set so soon he thought that maybe that he was gonna get up and do some crowd work and then he thought that maybe he could ease his way into some material so soon he absolutely went up with a plan but then life smacked him in the face but he's a professional right so he's breathing within himself and he's telling everyone about this new guy that he's talking about doing crowd work and he just

starts leveling the place he just now you know me i don't mince words but he just starts ordering a roof for this place because this one's getting blown off a roof for this place because this one's getting blown off now you know i don't mince words i like to be honest and i like to keep shit subtle but he just starts praying for the third floor because they're gonna fucking crush their spines when they fall through the roof of this banquet hall which happens to be on the second floor. So I make fun of this, and I got a lot, and I noticed Mike Lenocci, like a motherfucking homie, is out there getting it on camera.

He's getting a lot of it on camera, and your boy did. So now I do 10 minutes of crowd work and then I'm like let me just test the waters on this material let me just test the waters I test the waters water's freezing cold I test the water

water's freezing cold was crushing with the crowd work. Go back to some material. Water's freezing cold. So I go, okay, maybe let me check the water a little later. Get back to some fucking crowd work. And now I got to start praying for the people on the third floor again. And I'm not religious. I hope I'm doing a good job, but I'm not religious. But this roof's going to give out. Do you have, hey crowd, do you have on your fire retardant suits? Then it's going to be a doozy.

So I do 20 minutes more of crowd work. I'm on stage for 30 minutes. I start to dip into some material. Water's freezing cold. And I don't, I'm not bombing material, but it's just not what they want. So I get up to 45 minutes and I've probably done four minutes of material. four minutes of material. If that, I would say I did 41 minutes of roasting this audience,

and they're loving it, okay? And I finally say, well, guys, it's about time to wrap it up. And the CEO stands up from the back of the room and says, hey, Chris. And I say, yeah? And he says, got a message for you and i go uh-oh and his the person who put the show together walks up slowly to the room and i'm like what the fuck is happening she walks right up to the stage and goes like this. And I'm like, okay, I guess she wants the microphone.

So I give it to her and she says, the CEO of the company would like to offer you, and then she says, a sum of money to do 15 extra minutes. Would you accept? And I grabbed the microphone and I said, said well i guess i'm a hooker today so i did it and they put a timer on for the 15 extra minutes and the timer counted down boy did i feel like a fucking hooker but isn't that everyone doing a job you know you're just doing it for that stack aren't you um and it was fun and i got off stage bro by the way the

entrepreneur the guy had the whole company was hilarious man and i made fun of it i roasted everybody but dude there was a company there was a guy on the entre, the fucking CEO of the company was 24 years old and he had a fucking shirt on that said entrepreneur alien secretly trying to take over the world. Un, it was unbelievable, dude. So I have, listen, I have it. I have the, a lot of this set. I don't have all of this set, but I have a lot of it. I'm thinking of uploading it to the more Chris D'Elia channel on YouTube.

I don't know if I should, because it's from far away or not, but if you leave a comment and if this gets enough comments under this video saying, we want to see the crowd work video for me at this corporation sphere rocket then i'll think about uploading it but i gotta you know it's not the like there's another one i put up on crystalia uh on the youtube the crowd work at the in hollywood and that one's a little better quality but this sounds good and but it's from far away but i'll put it up if you guys comment and if enough comments are on the uh the youtube because i did it for the last one like i posted an instagram and i said if this gets like 2 000 or 3 000 uh comments i'll post the crowd work set and you did and then i did

and it's you know i think it's got like 300 000 views on there right now but anyway um on youtube yeah so just uh that's what's up so let me know if you want if you want me to post it because i i don't know it's a lot of work for me to fucking it's actually not a lot of work for me but i gotta tell somebody to do it and then it's a lot of work for them i went to um uh but dallas was great and then we left dallas dude and by the way i don't know about this place because i'm from have you ever been to Bucky's? Let me Google this fucking place. You've been to Bucky's?

Ivan Gets Rid of says he's been to Bucky's. Bucky's, convenience store company. So I don't know what the deal is with this Bucky's place. But I mean, if you look at pictures of Bucky's, okay, so we went to Bucky's ever since our inception in 1982, we have been committed to providing a clean, friendly, and in-stock experience

for our customers. Regardless of where you may find us, if this store is big or small, near or far, the mission remains the same. Let me tell you something, it's big, okay? It was small. I don't know what even small, this is how it should be. Regardless of where you may find us, if the store is big or big as shit, near or far, the mission remains the same. Dude, I walked in a buck. I was like, oh yeah, let's piss and we'll get a fucking, you know, I told the sprinter van to pull over, pulled over, went into the Buc-ee's.

Okay, man, I don't know if you know about Buc-ee's. There are not a lot of people listening to me in Canada or Australia or UK. I'd never been to Buc-ee's. This was in the middle of Dallas and Austin. And dude, this is a mecca of convenience store. It's got, first of all, I wanted to go in and get something to eat. Everything has meat in it. Everything has, you couldn't get it. I mean, here I am, Mr. Fucking LA coming in. I'm like, oh yeah, I don't really feel like eating meat because I ate, I drank nine

cups of coffee already and I don't want to have to shit it out in 30 minutes. And, uh, and I get into Bucky's and it's literally, there is a, it's a convenience store, but it's also got aisles and aisles of beef jerky, different beef jerkies. You know what? Beef jerky, beef jerky connoisseurs be fine with just the one kind of beef jerky. Okay. No, he likes it. I haven't get rid of loves beef jerky. Dude have three or four kinds of beef jerky then okay but don't have a wall this place had a wall of beef jerky it was like when neo gets shown into the matrix of the fucking and all those tvs come up onto the side this is a and they fucking you see all those thousands of tvs those were all beef jerkies this is like the fucking the the matrix the gopher matrix because bucky's

mascot is a gopher. And it's so much beef jerky that they just had a whole section of it. And it's so long. And I'm like, God damn, that's a lot of beef jerky. But you can also get, like, don't have a place where you can get beef jerky and toothpaste. Like, just go, one place should be for fucking your mouth up. And then another place you got to go to, to make your mouth all better.

Right. But you can get anything at this, bro, I'm not fucking around. You can get an Ottoman at this, at this customer, at this convenience store. You can get like a really nice frame. It's like, it's like in the middle of Bucky's and you know this, if you've been there, but in the middle of Bucky's, there is, there is in this convenience store in the middle

of this Bucky's and every Bucky's, I suppose, because I'm here at the one i'm looking at in the picture too there is a fucking pork sandwich making station there is a pork sandwich making station in the middle of this convenience store, there is a pork sandwich making station. And they don't stop because people are ordering them. Now, that's the weirdest thing to be in a convenience store. because people are ordering them. Now that's the weirdest thing to be in a convenience store.

Like I swear to God, I would have been less shocked if in the middle of this convenience store, there was a beach. Dude, I couldn't, there's nine people working at this station just folding up pork. It's so, like, I'll eat pork, but like, let me just see a little bit of it you know like if the second you see too much pork i'm like uh no it's gross you know when you just see like like i'm talking about like 30 animals worth of pork you're just like all right well maybe i

would have had one if you just had this behind closed doors but it was like a fucking a wall cascading of like just pork just dipped in fucking barbecue just just deadly shit you know in the meantime you can buy an ottoman here. Like you walk in, you're not even that hungry. You see this pork. And I was with fucking Kristen and Mike's girlfriend. So they walk in and they're like, ooh, I think maybe, ooh. You know?

All the chick's got to see is something that doesn't belong. And they're like, now that's interesting. So she gets a pork sandwich. Mike gets a pork sandwich. Now, I don't mean to rat him out, but the fucking Bucky's is so big. He got the pork sandwich first. We were walking around and he finished it. And I was like, what the fuck?

And then his girlfriend came along. He's like, you're going to pay for that, right? And he goes, yeah. And she walks away and he's like, I used to do this shit all the time in high school. I'm not going to pay for it. Oh, dude. Bucky's thief. So it's so big that like, they don't even have enough.

It's so big. I poured it. I was like, where's the coffee? And that some guy just points over there where the coffee is. And you just like pour it yourself. And I'm just like, is this shit free? Like, I don't even know. Like, where do I pay for it at the front?

How do they know what I have? I just say, are you using the honor system in Buc-ee's? And so I order a turkey sandwich off of the, because there's, you can only get pork. And then there's the station next to it, another whole station with like computer TVs. And you just push what you want and nothing with no meat, like nothing. You get a salad, you get a garden salad and it's like, which pork loin would you like in it? What body part of the fucking pig would you like in this salad? Oh, you're like, oh yeah, can I get a salad? Oh, healthy today.

Okay, what part of the pig would you like in it? Since you're being healthy, we'll ask you. So I got a turkey sandwich. And here's my mistake. Because of how amazing, like, whenever I go to a place and I'm like, unless it's a deli, right, which this is not. It's a convenience store. I say, unless it's a deli, because deli always pile of shit on. I say, unless it's a deli, because deli always pile of shit on.

I say, I want double meat in it because these fucking places bitch out and they'll give you like two slices. Really what you're eating is just bread. You're eating like a fucking, just a pocket of, it's just all bread. And in the middle, there's like just a little bit of a fucking chicken in it. And it's like, I might as well just eaten a fucking loaf of bread for fuck's sake. So it says, of course, because we're in Texas, do you want extra meat? And so I say, yeah, because I'm like, they're not going to fucking pull one over on me. Dude, I got the sandwich.

I swear to God, dude, this fucking thing, it weighed 40 pounds. It was like a fucking picking up a plate on it at the gym. I wanted to slide it on the side of an Olympic bar. Like it was unbelievable, dude. Walking out of this thing. It was so fucking big. This meat was so, I take one look at it and I just say, it's too much turkey. I don't want to see all of this. So I took two bites and I fucking, you that was it what a bitch i am i just

wanted a salad hey bucky have some greens have some green shit you can buy like stuff like live laugh fucking love whatever that thing is like there was one thing you could buy that's like a wood art piece of art and it said and it had a cannon on it and it said come take it like so texan to not even have a gun on it like a cannon come take what my cannon who's got a fucking cannon the people who shot the buckies come take it i kind of part of me wanted to kind of like grab it and just leave with it and have them be like, hey, boy, what you doing, I said, well, I was just following directions, come, come, it says, come take it, I thought it was free, I'm sorry, I thought they were complimentary, Bucky's is insane, and then I left Bucky's, and some guy drove by and said,

Chris D'Elia, what's up, and I was like'Elia what's up and I was like oh what's up and then my brother texted me hey did some guy just say hi to you and I'm like you're in LA what the fuck's going on and he was like yeah he always writes me I did I just fucking like the internet in the world is so weird right now you know I'm walking out with 40 pounds of turkey and Mike's girlfriend by the way got this is what she got. You can get fudge at Bucky's, okay? Fudge, a slushie, whatever the fuck, like the 7-Eleven things, cotton candy, and like a churro or something and was just walking out and something pork. And I was like, are you nine?

Unbelievable. Dude, not boot dude. Join our team and grow those Bucky's careers. We're looking for dedicated, hardworking individuals to join the Bucky's family. Give us a holler and come grow with us. I talked about Buc-ee's way too much. Oh, look at this fucking shit. Are you kidding me?

They got car washes? Dude, just be a city. Is there a mayor at Buc-ee's? Hey, I walk into Buc-ee's next time you walk into Buc-ee's and honestly be like, can I talk to the mayor? I guarantee they're like, hold up. Get Jack. Get Mr. Get Jack. Get Mr. Get Jack.

He's over at the car wash handing out pamphlets because he's running for second term. Get Jack. He comes in with a fucking pork sandwich. Hey, how's it going? I'm Mayor Jack Bucky. Look at this. News and press in Bucky's. Where are they?

Here are the locations. If there's any on the West Coast, I'd be surprised, but maybe there are. Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Georgia, Kentucky, South Carolina, Texas, all a bunch of Texas. Wow, a lot in Texas. Wow. Jesus Christ. There's like 50 in Texas. Wow. Only in Texas. Yeah. See? None. Hey, dog, shut up. a lot in texas wow jesus christ there's like 50 in texas wow only in tech yeah see none

hey dog shut up i got fucking too many dogs um let's do some misconnections here before we get out of here pasta for you here here's one pasta for you i made extra alfredo pasta ladies like to taste my alfredo sauce i am clean and vaccinated you be too wow i made extra alfredo i mean you know let's just you can shorten this down so so pasta for you taste my alfredo sauce i'm clean this guy they really i like when they get extra with it i made like they're fucking novelists like they're like they're writing a book with a fucking guy with a shirt coming off on the front cover holding the damsel i made extra alfredo pasta like dude totally losing the sexuality and sensuality of it by just bringing up pasta immediately

hey made pasta want to eat my fucking gooey alfredo sauce i'm clean and vaccinated like dude here's another one delivering wood to you get it sinuendo but getting right to the point i love how he just says get it hey i'm doing home delivery if here's another one the fucking he knows the pot it's like he knows the pasta guy is this the pasta guy talking about wood now hey i'm doing home delivery if you're needing some good hard wood i can swing in son professional swinging i like my wood to be worked on if you know what I mean on Craigslist. We know what you mean and it's sexual. Hey, want to suck my cock if you know what I mean?

Yeah, I cracked the code. I like my wood to be worked on, if you know what I mean. If interested, hit me up. Traveling from Inland Empire to Santa Clarita. Okay. Here's another one. Wow. I'm looking for Allie.

It's a specific texter. I'm looking for Allie from West Palmdale. You replied to my ad two different times about having your belly button played with saying you were interested and you sent me some photos. What a weird kink, but hey, no judging. Message me so we could set something up. Maybe he means, I'm sure he means vagina. If not, I love kinks that are so, like they get so far from being sexual that it's just like, is this even sexual? Yeah, let me play with your belly button.

What? Yeah, you want to get together and eat some sandwiches and watch fucking bosom buddies? You're like, and fuck? Nah, just sit. You want to sit with some fucking. You want to sit with some fucking... You want to sit with some fucking Travis Barker merch on and just eat sandwiches while we watch Home Improvement? And fuck?

Don't fucking ruin it. It's not even sex. At what point is it sexual? Yeah. Just got a boner eating a fucking turkey club. Here's another one. Game night. Exclamation point.

I used to host game night with a guy in town. He moved to the 909 and now I miss playing. He'd just sit back and enjoy me literally beating that pants off him okay so foreign got definitely took a turn thought it was maybe gonna this one thought was maybe just gonna be about game night couldn't believe how i worked the joystick okay wow you know these fucking innuendos get better and better the game wouldn't end till i got the prize i hope this doesn't have a if you know what i mean in it the game would end and he would leave complete, completed, satisfied, completely satisfied that I had won again. Exclamation point. I love the exclamation points. Wow. He couldn't believe how good I was. Exclamation point. This

is amazing. So I need to find another game player. No, just a period, which is great. Cause it's a little bit sullen right there, right? We would play often. So bring your joystick over for hours of fun. His was the right size for my game console. I mean, dude, getting so in the weeds. Sit back and watch me work the joystick. You'll be amazed at how good I am. Unbelievable, dude. Okay, we got two more and then we're going to bounce.

Here's another one. Wondering about the misconnections, 562. It's come to that stage in my life where I'm looking around and not recognizing anything. We have all been there, but now it includes myself. I don't know if we've all been there so far, but anyway. So the misconnection is rediscovering myself. Is this what they say is the onset to a midlife crisis? Has anyone else been through this before or find yourself in the same spot? How often do you say, this is not what i think i actually want anymore edit this is not a post looking to explore intimate relationships with another man

sorry it gave you that impression dude is this a suicide note dude this guy is so this guy this is this is the one this is the one that isn't even an innuendo we found it this one is so deep in the weeds of innuendo that he's literally saying by the way this isn't even an innuendo if you know what i mean what is what is it's the first two sentences that really set things off to a i don't know what's happening. And then it just keeps snowballing. It's come to the stage of my life where I'm looking around and not recognizing anything. Does he mean literally? Like, is he old?

We have all been there, but now it includes myself. No, we have not all been like, what do you mean? Like looking at a door being like, is this a door? You got to go to a doctor bro stop posting online wow this guy is like the the alternative really artists artist of craigslist just deep in the fucking matrix of innuendos just even edits at the end This is not a post looking to explore intimate relationships with another man. Sorry, I gave you that impression. This guy is an artist, bro.

This is where we all strive to be. Oh, here's two more. He needs some milk. And then in the subject, I need to go for a milk run. Send private pictures. Wow. Here's another one. You said you were a singer, Santa Monica.

I'm a guy that was playing my dance music on keyboards. You are a female in shape between 18 and 30. You said you were a singer and sounded like Bebe Rexha. I don't know who that is. We decide, is that a, we decided to record some material together and then go on tour and move in together to my center. I mean, this guy doesn't fucking, is this guy, is this like a uh role playing or what the how do you not have this person's number then we moved in together we have a son anyway get in contact with me you're carl's mom um we go on tour together move to

your center class please contact me if you're serious about your professional and personal secure future. What the fuck is this guy talking about? Yo, misconnect. Craigslist is getting real, like deep as shit. This is the metaverse. Craigslist is the metaverse. Unbelievable. I'm out, dude. We did it, babies.

ChrisAlea.com for tour. Going to Atlanta. Going to, um, what do you call it uh denver colorado going to boston get your tickets washington dc oakland stockton peoria rockford illinois raleigh savannah cheyenne denver boston jacksonville hit them up baby get them good tickets while they last. Some of them are almost sold out. And then go to get your merch at crystalia.com.

Don't push me. Oops. We got the Life Rips shit. We got other bangers coming. We got the Life Rips tumblers now out, which are cool to go for your fucking... You run your errands with the Life Rips. Drink that ice Americano. You know it.

But we love you. Subscribe. And also, if you want me to but we love you subscribe and also if you want me to post that video leave a comment that you want me to post that video and check out my other podcast lifeline i do with my brother uh subscribe to this make friends in the comments hey guys that was it for youtube if you want to watch the rest of the episode the uncut episode go to patreon.com slash chris d'alia and you can get the uncut episodes of patreon of uh of these of these youtube videos and uh watch them all uncut from here on out and also the previous ones there's

also an extra episode a month that you can uh be privy to when you do join our patreon and there's like 13 of them now so you can go uh sign up today and binge watch them right now uh every month we do one and then also there's behind watch them right now uh every month we do one and then also there's behind the scenes footage there's another segment we do called review mode and there's a lot of other stuff there's a discord we chat on uh but uh sign up patreon.com slash chris d'alia thanks guys I'm like the motherfucking five years old I'm like the motherfucking five years old I'm like the motherfucking five years old I'm like the motherfucking five years old