Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 255. Planting The Meat Seed

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

👉ORIGINAL GRAIN: Use code CONGRATS at originalgrain.com/congrats to get 30% OFF sitewide Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris smells the yemon, visits Broadmoor, and wonders how good Top Gun could actually be. Plus Kristin shaves a couch. Did you not believe in this episode? Cause GOD DID! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. Three, two... Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Congratulations. so i ate burgers last night well hey you know and before we really even get to it let's do like my shit you know if uh you're not subscribed subscribe to the podcast and subscribe to the page we got lifeline on this thing too, and we've got more podcasts coming, dude. We're going to keep doubling it until they kill me. And we're also, I'm going to be in lots of different areas, right?

Because I'm doing a tour. I'm going to be in Lakeland, Florida. I'm going to be in Grand Prairie, Texas, and that's going to be in, that's the Dallas play. So if you're in Dallas, Grand Prairie, Texas, not too far. Atlanta, Georgia, Washington, D.C., Stockton, California, Oakland, California, those are all in September. Actually, the Dallas date or the Grand Prairie, Texas date is in August. Peoria, Illinois, Rockford, Illinois, October 7th and 8th. Raleigh, North Carolina, October 21st.

October 22nd, Savannah, Georgia. Denver, Colorado at the Belco Theater, November 5th. November 6th, Cheyenne, Wyoming. And November 12th, two shows at the Wang Theater in Boston. And Jacksonville, Florida, December 3rd. Those are the ones we have so far. Many coming up after that. But those are the ones we have so far. Many coming up after that. But those are the ones we're having coming up so far.

So that's it. And, you know, come on out, crystalia.com. The tickets are going. Some of them are on near sellout. There are some very big places. So, you know, your boy keeps moving. Your boy keeps moving. So this is episode I don't even know what.

The last episode of congratulations was the Patreon episode. And if you ever want to sign up for the Patreon, there's about 14 Patreon episodes right now. That if you sign up today, you get access to them immediately. And you just binge them like it's Breaking Bad if you want. They're like, you know, that would be like Breaking bad but more meth-y and um and you can do that but the last patreon episode was one of the best episodes it was just it was just a very special episode so if you want to sign up to uh the patreon go ahead over to patreon.com slash chris d'alia and uh binge that shit like it's fucking like it's breaking binge that shit like

it's the show servant like you binge that shit like it's the show servant like you're trying to figure it out but you never really figure it out even though at the even though you're at the end of the third season you're still trying to figure it out and it never fucking gets to figuring it out because it's an M. Night Shyamalan thing and it's just convoluted baby that's what it is man my shit's convoluted congratulations it's convoluted you got to do it in order though you know you don't want to get lost. So yeah, had two burgers last night. Oh my God. He did it. He had two burgers. You know what he did? He goes like this. I'm going to go. He goes like this to Kristen. I'm going to go to the, I'm going to go to the Ha Ha Cafe. She says, you're going to go up? I say, maybe.

maybe she says oh okay i leave to go to the haha cafe and immediately i get into uh all of a sudden maybe it's a chemical thing but bada bing sadness comes over my whole body for no reason not sad about anything just kind of fucking sweeps along like it's a chemical like it was the happening like it was nature or some shit like the fucking like instead of making humans want to kill each other speaking of m shine m night shamalan with the movie the happening let's keep along with the theme of m night shamalan now all of a sudden it's like fucking just a swoosh of of of sadness and i'm and all of a sudden he's sad and it's maybe a chemical thing, because he doesn't really know what it is, and yeah, he's good with his therapy, and he's nice checking in with his group, but has no idea why he's sad, there's no reason to be sad, it's fucking Sunday night, Memorial Day

shits, is the next day, should be happy, but he's not, and he's driving to the Ha Ha Cafe, and he's sitting in so much blood, but he's driving to the Ha Ha Cafe, and he's wondering why he's sad, and he thinks, should I even go, why but he's driving to the haha cafe and he's wondering why he's sad and he thinks should i even go why am i even going to the haha cafe if i'm maybe not going to go up i just want to get out of the house you know calvin's down for the for the for the he's going to sleep and uh and i don't know and i uh and, you know what? I want burgers. I want burgers. But instead of going to get burgers, I still go to the Ha Ha Cafe and I text Kristen, do you want to get burgers later?

And she says, nope. She actually said, nah, which is the rudest shit you could possibly text, no matter what you're talking about. Especially like I'm trying to do something nice. Hey, you feel like having some burgers? I might order them for you. Nah. So rude to type nah. That's like the only more rude than nah is ha.

If you do a joke, you make fun of somebody, and they write ha. Forget it. Oh, you fucking, you're my mortal enemy, right? How about that shirt that they fucking try to sell with, what's her name? Rosa Parks that just goes, nah, Rosa Parks. Like she was in the back of the bus going, nah, you know?

Like she wasn't scared for her life, but still making a point, but still making a stand, which is great. But when you're standing, boy, if you were standing, if you were in fear of your life, but still making a point and making a stand, which is great. But when you're standing, boy, if you were standing, if you were in fear of your life, but still making a point and making a stand, and you just went, nah, dude, the fucking cojones on you, you know?

The cojones on you, so big you could just sit on them, like one of those fucking things that they sell in toy stores that you just bounce around in the aisles till they get mad at you, but you never buy. So I say, you want burgers she goes nah kristen 2022 and i'm like all right fine so i go to haha and i think let me wait this burger thing out you know let me fucking just wait it out because i bet she's because i what i did is i i planted the

seed right i planted the little meat seed, didn't I? I planted a little fucking meat seed in her. It's like Inception. She's on her way falling. She's on her way in the fucking bus with me, her, and Chenzo because he's going to eat the fucking wrappers when we leave the burgers out. Me, her, and Chenzo just falling in the bus backwards into the fucking river in fucking burger-ception.

And I fucking planted the meat seed, didn't I? So I go, let me wait this out. I'm going to wait at the Ha Ha Cafe. I'm going to meet some friends. I got there. There were some friends there, and we hung out. We had a good time, you know, chilling with some homies. And I hang there for about an hour, hour and a half.

I come back, and what did I do, dude? I hit her up about the burgers. Yo, baby, I'm going to get some burgers. What do you think? And she says, we're going to get it. I sent her a link to a burger place. That was nice, dude. It wasn't no Burger King. And I know I love In-N-Out, but you know, it wasn't even In-N-Out. It was like some fucking new place that was popping up. And she goes, uh, what place? I sent her the link and she goes like this, you know what? Get me some fries. And I wait. I chill because I planted the seed and she's just about to hit that water.

She's just about to hit that water with me. I'm in with her, dude. I planted that meat seed and I'm just about to feel the backseat of that van rush up against my spine. And the fucking water is about to just flood inside the back windows. And fucking push chins and her up against me. And we're about to take a deep breath because we got to hold it, right? And I see those little dot, dot, dots come in. And then I see, and it says, and get me a classic burger. He wins.

He planted the meat seed and it sprouted into a beautiful meal with his girl. So I ate two burgers last night and as soon as I ate them, I regretted it. Yes, dude. They were fucking so, I mean, it was so disgusting. It was like I swallowed them I regretted it yes dude they were fucking so I mean it was so disgusting it was like I swallowed some lead yes dude I mean it felt like there was so much lead inside me Superman couldn't see what's behind me yes it was disgusting oh fuck yeah man oh it was so good oh it was so good I'm with Superman and there's a ninja

attacking me from behind and guess what his sword goes right through my abdomen and Superman couldn't even fucking warn me because it was like I ain't letting yes dude and I go Superman how could you betray me but the thing I think of right before I die is oh yeah

the burgers. And that's my last words. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, the burgers to Superman. Yes, dude. Superman can't see through lead. He explains his jokes. He's a dork, but he's fucking true to himself.

What are you going to do, dude? He's so true to himself, it's unbelievable. So I woke up fucking stomach all clumped up had some fucking coffee it's still right here only drank half of it and johnny shits a lot in about an hour and a half oh yeah but he's been taking his fucking mucinex so that shit's gonna come out real nice disgusting but it's fine because I keep true to myself, don't I, right, fuck yeah, dude, what about this though, huh, I almost wore this, but it's too hot in here, but god damn, but the fucking life rips with the puff shit, are you kidding me, dude, with the puff shit,

are you kidding me, I was gonna wear this, but it's too fucking hot, and crystalia.com, go on over, get that puff shit, um, so um so yeah man life's been good you know i've been hanging out my son made me smell a fucking lemon this morning for you know about 25 times uh sons and daughters they make you do so many fucking things like that so over over again he goes like this hey dada smell the yemen i put the yemen in the trash can puts it in his little trash can thatuts it in his little trash can We have a little trash can that he plays with so much It's just a trash can that you keep in like a

Fucking Like a bathroom like right next to it Those trash cans suck by the way Like don't ever have a little trash can You gotta take it out 900 times in one day You throw fucking a piece of Kleenex away And a Capri Sun And you're like okay i got to take

the trash out and then he just he had it though and he just he took a lemon off the lemon tree and for some reason kristin is convinced it's a lime tree it they're yellow and big and smell like lemons and she's like you know they're actually limes and i'm i just got to be like like it's one of those fucking arguments where you're just like, yeah, well, but, you know, it's like literally pointing to a duck and being like, that's a woolly, you know, it's a woolly mammoth. She'll be like, if you just, if we kept them on the tree, they'd turn into limes. And I'm just like, oh, oh, you're just going to be a crazy person. But they're so yellow. And when you squeeze them and put them in a fucking water it's nice in the summer and she's like yeah but if you just left and i go oh oh that's as far

as i go with this argument if you're gonna point at something and tell me it's something it's not i'm done dude i'm all done right hey ch- What are you wearing? A t-shirt? No! That's a sweater! Really? No, this is a fucking t-shirt! No, it's a sweater! Jumping out the plane, fucking- you know like all right dude okay it's a lime yay let's squeeze these yellow limes

in our drinks so calvin even calvin is like it's a yemen like he knows dude he says lemon like it's a fucking african country it's a yemen he can't say his l's it's so cute yemen that is a yemen smell the yemen and i smell it oh yeah and then he's like i put the yemen in the trash can puts it in the trash can and then picks it back up smell the yemen Yemen again. And I'm like, okay. Put the Yemen in the cash can. He starts saying cash can. Like it's a game show. And then picks it back up.

Smell the Yemen. Okay. Smell the Yemen again. I smelled it so many times until I was like, you know what? Maybe this is a lime. I have no fucking idea. I don't even smell it anymore. I got past the point of like it was like it was so lemony that i wanted to like fucking vomit and he's just like you smelled the yemen again and

i smelled it 25 times and then he just took the yemen and he says the lemon and he says i throw the yemen and threw it and then he says i'll go get it like this and goes and gets it and then comes back then he threw it 25 times and then it fucking squirted open because it's a fucking Yemen, dude. And he comes back and he's like, it's all wet. It's all yet. It's yet. Right here. And I'm like, we can't throw it anymore.

You know? Kristen's coming down like, oh, does he have the lime? And I'm just like, all right. Okay. Yeah. My life. He's got to pretend lemons are limes. So anyway, dude, it's beautiful though, man.

He's learning words and shit. Made me smell a lemon so many times. It's amazing what fatherhood will make you do. You'll just be sitting there smelling a lemon 900 times like you're a mental patient, you know? Yemen is in the Middle East. I know, guys. I know, you know. I just fucked up and I said Africa and whatever.

It's like, if it's not in America, it's anywhere. Like, like i watched a fucking serious and i know that's so fucking narrow-minded but i watched a thing on broadmoor the insane asylum in fucking i don't even know where i think it's in britain because the guy was talking like he was britain but he was also talking like he was scott scottish so i'm like it could be an interco for all i know it could be full of fucking penguins just crazy fucking serial killer penguins i have no idea i think I think it's in Europe, but Broadmoor. And it's just this, I was watching this documentary, dude, and it's insane, man. The way that Britain, uh, Broadmoor, the way Broadmoor was like made in like the 18th, or I guess it would be the 17th century. It's 19th century, 1800 something.

And they were like, so fucking, uh, Broadmoor was, uh so it like they used to think like pyromaniacs were the most were the most dangerous people like even more than serial killers and shit and that they were the most criminally insane and if you think about that now that's insane but then if you think about it back then you're like you know what dude fire was fucking probably out of control back then like there's all this fucking fire retardant shit right now 2022 if you light a match in a building you're gonna be fine even if you light some papers on fire the fucking sprinklers are gonna come over and fucking it's gonna be fine you get a fire extinguisher shoot it out but in the 1800s dude you light a match it's a you're gone dude first

of all hay was everywhere you know and like nobody knew anything about anything fire retardant so they were just walking around all dry and shit and just lighting a flame would be so so pyromaniacs were like locked the fuck up right i mean if you lit a match again in a day after the first candle you lit, you were like, you went away for 25 years. And that made, that was weird to me. And then I was like, oh, it probably makes sense because I do extra thinking, right? I'm not the kind of guy that's like, what, why?

I do extra thinking. So I was like, well, back then they didn't have fire retardant shit. Probably if you let, you know what I mean? If you lit a match, you'd have to be like, say goodnight, Gracie. Crazy, crazy,night, Gracie. Prime Day is here.

With epic deals exclusively for Prime members, you'll feel like you just won an award. Oh, wow, I didn't even prepare a speech. I'd like to thank my family for always needing stuff. Also, Sam, my delivery guy, for bringing all my awesome deals so fast. You're the man, Sam. Shop deals on electronics, home, and more this Prime Day, July 16th and 17th. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security.

Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express.

Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. So I was watching this thing, and it's crazy what it's become. Like, Broadmoor became this thing where they were very, like, if you were criminally insane, you would just get put in this hospital. It was a hospital. Now, that doesn't mean that it wasn't, like, better than a prison, but apparently

it was kind of better than a prison, because they would, like, try and treat you, and make sure that you were trying to get better. I mean, even still, you were getting, like, excrement thrown at you because of other crazy people in your fucking ward. Like, they had five people to a room. But, like, still, like, you would, like, try to do, I mean, yeah, they did try to do electroshock

therapy and all that stuff, which made a lot of people fucking really, I mean, it worked a little bit and also didn't work. It was a bad PR move for fucking, for, for mental health. Let's just put it that way for, for, for the world of psychology, for the science of psychology and shit, it was a bad PR move, right?

Hey, let's electrocute people's brains and have them bite their tongues off and shit. It seems very bad, but apparently it worked a lot. And then fucking, fucking uh what's it called came along one flew over the cuckoo's nest came along and just fucked that all up but i'm saying like you know some comatose people would come in and they wouldn't even know that who they were or where they were and then you shocked the shit out their brains and then they'd wake up and it'd be like oh shit time for some tea and like oh you know what tea is like i love tea

i just could never say it right because i i didn't even know what i was doing i didn't know where i was i didn't know who i was but now it's like it's all good can i have some crumpets and um and they're like oh wow like why is everybody throwing shit on me this is this is absolutely mental and they go out and they get like a job dude you'd come in all like and they just go just go, and you were just like, oh, hello. I'm a productive member of society. What am I doing in here? It's so clinical. Are you mental?

Oh, why? And then they'd leave and they'd start a business. You know what I mean? Oh, well. I need a 401k. Why is this shit on me? Shit is all over. What is going on?

These keep throwing shit. This is not a way to live. And then Chuck comes back. And then Chuck throws shit. You know what I mean? You can make people go back and forth. I like being canceled because I can say whatever i want now and um but yeah so they did that and then i watched that and a lot of fucking crazy people were in there and then it became like this sort of a guy and then it was like this one dude fuck i was just gonna say something good now i

can't remember what it was but this one dude escaped broadmoor and just started killing people like like dude talk about a fuck up talk about a pr like i'd love to see a fucking like a an hbo max series on this but like one guy escaped broadmoor in like the early 1900s and just immediately started killing motherfuckers. Like it wasn't like, it was like he was a zombie, like a fucking fast one. What was that movie? Is Brad Pitt where they do fast zombies? Is that one where he's a fast? Is that the one where they're fast?

I don't know. Whatever the zombies are where they're fast, they come out World War Z. And he's just like, yeah, I'm all good. I'm all good. I won't kill. And everyone turns down the fucking, closing cell block, closing cell block.

Dude, and it was so long ago that they didn't even know, like, about how easy escaping was. And I was watching this documentary, and it was literally like, and what he did, how he escaped was he jumped on the roof and jumped over. And you're just like, oh, put up barbed wire. Hey, get guards. But it was 1912, and we didn't know that they just wouldn't leave. But it was 1912 And we didn't know that they just wouldn't leave The guards in there themselves needed Electro fucking therapy

Just letting people leave watching them go Just like no you're probably fine Shocked those motherfuckers Got him And the dude just left And he was like good night everybody And then left and then hopped over And then immediately just started killing motherfuckers.

And it ripped through the headlines. And now Broadmoor is like this fucking, talk about bad PR, they're shocking people's brains and motherfuckers are leaving, just killing everybody immediately. And now Broadmoor is like back to this fucking, people think it's this prison now. It's just fucked up, dude. It's weird to think about these people though how they grew up like dude you think people it's weird to think about like uh these people who have deep issues like it's it's so weird to think about like of course doing what you do is your fault if it's fucking horrible but also like god damn dude if it's a mental, but also like, God damn, dude, if it's a mental disorder, then what,

right, luck of the draw, you were just born fucked up, and then your mom like threw you down some stairs or whatever the fuck it was, I don't know, but Yemen's in the Middle East, and I knew, and I know that, so, so yeah, I watched that thing on Broadmoor. I don't remember where I was going with that, but it doesn't matter, dude. All it was, all I know, honestly, is sometimes I get sad. I got sad. I remember on the way to the Ha Ha, I was talking to you about that, and then I got fucking sad. I was at this, what was I fucking waiting for?

I was waiting for something. I was in Beverly Hills, and I was waiting for something to get done, and I was by myself. I was waiting for something i was in beverly hills and i was waiting for something to get done and i was by myself i was waiting for something i can't remember but i stopped in this cafe oh yeah because i got to get sinus surgery i told you that so i had to go fucking get a a checkup on that make sure that i don't know man they just milk you for money you know they're like come back we'll check on your nose and you're like okay you're like 300 bucks you're like okay is it okay and they're like yeah we're stopping the surgery oh okay and then um i'm waiting because i got there early i thought it was going to take longer and i'm waiting to get there early i pop in a

fucking cafe you know because i that's how i do it and i pop in a cafe and i and i go to order you know i get the four shots over over, right? Four shots over ice, sorry. Four shots over espresso, eight shots. And I go in and I fucking order it. Dude. And I fucking turn around. First of all, Beverly Hills is out of control, okay? Beverly Hills is out of control.

Before I went into the thing, there was a hit and run. Before I went into the cafe, there's just like, I just hear like a bunch of women. Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh oh oh oh no oh oh where did he go and i'm just like what the fuck where did he go and then i see another woman walking back with her phone quickly and she's like i got him i got i got the plate i got it and i'm just like what oh i got oh she. I got it. And I'm just like, what? Oh, I got it. Oh, she got it. Oh, she got it. Lisa got it. What was it?

He just fucking mumps them up. And this is how Beverly... You think that's Beverly Hills? All the women coming together, trying to band together, finding a fucking hit and run? And I look and some guy's side mirror's off. And this is the most Beverly Hills. It does so much commotion. So I fucking look at somebody in the,

what do you call it, the patio of the cafe I'm about to walk into, and I say, what happened? Was there a hit and run? Dude, this is what the fucking lady does to me. She's eating with her friend. She literally goes like this,

and I'm like, okay, and i'm like okay so fucking rude you know like just say yeah yeah i guess so i don't know she just looked at me like and i'm just like be a person though and like it's fine it would be fine if i never saw her ever be a person but she was eating with her friends And then that happened And I'm just like oh I'm a piece of shit So I go in and get the cafe And like all this crazy wacky shit was happening And then um I order the fucking four shots

And then I turn around and I look at this painting This painting of like I don't know maybe it's Italy But these like children are playing in this courtyard And like this house is, you know, it looks like it was made in fucking 1700s or some shit. And I'm watching this painting and I'm looking at the kids and the parents playing. And I'm just like, I literally am thinking nothing other than, wow, it looks beautiful. Like that looks, I'm not even thinking the word thinking You know how like Sometimes you don't even Think words

I mean sometimes You think words right Like somebody will bump in here And you'll actually think The words like Fuck that motherfucker Like I guess you do that for you You don't have to think words

But you literally think for you Like wow what a piece of shit You think those words Like that red balls Bouncing across it Like you're watching The fucking Sesame Street When they're singing along

And like And you're like And it just street when they're singing along and like and you're like uh and it just bounces across fuck these motherfuckers and um and sometimes you don't but i wasn't thinking even words right like sometimes you get lost in a beautiful fucking land in your mind and i'm looking at this painting and I'm just like half thinking these words like, wow, that seems beautiful. But it's more like, oh, wow. Like, you know what I mean? I'm just feeling the words.

Does it even make sense? You know, it just felt nice to get locked into that picture. And then I start thinking actual words like, I should just like fucking, what if I lived there? I literally just thought, what if I lived there? What if I just grabbed Calvin, grabbed my fiance, grabbed my, you know, some of my friends that want to go, probably none of them, but I could suggest it to him. You know, I could throw out an Evite, hey, move into this spot in Italy. You want to come, be away from everything, get off of social media,

or maybe just be on it, but be on it just like, and just be private on it and just have fucking Italians follow you and shit and just follow some other Italians and maybe follow one or two other people that I knew from back in LA or even New Jersey when I was growing up, but that's it, you know. Maybe my roommate in fucking when I went to NYU for eight months, maybe follow him, but that's it, right? And then my roommate in fucking, when I went to NYU for eight months, maybe follow him, but that's it. Right.

And then all of a sudden, just my, my feed would be Italian and shit. And I'm just thinking about this shit, you know, I'm just getting lost in this painting, like lost in this painting. Like it's a bad movie. You know, you ever see a bad fucking independent movie where a guy's like going through some shit or even better, a woman, she's going through some shit. And then she just looks at a painting or looks at her reflection in a fucking side, in the side of a building, the mirror. And she just like gets lost in it.

Or even worse, the scene where the guy is in the bar and he's dealing with issues and he goes into the bar and fucking turns on the water and pushes it up into his face. And he's fucking like rinsing off his face. Like, have you ever done that? Like that's the fucking most. Not. Thing. That's the most symbolic only in movies thing ever that ever happened. But I'm doing a version of that.

I'm getting lost in this fucking painting. Like I'm in some fucking. Like I'm Ethan Hawke in some fucking movie. You know what I mean? Like I'm Jeffrey Rush in a movie in 2005. Just getting lost in it. There's a mandolin playing over the score, but I'm literally lost in it. And I'm like, oh man. I, and I start to get, that would be fucking nice, dude. And then I hear, but I still hear the mandolin. And I'm like, what?

But I'm thinking about getting lost in the courtyard and just. It's a little high. I had four shots over ice and I snapped back into it. And I'm like, oh yeah, I'm just at this fucking cafe. I witnessed a hit and run and some shitty woman looked up at me and gave me a death stare in goddamn Beverly Hills. So I go, oh yeah, that's me's me i go over i grab my fucking four shots of espresso and i take a sip and i look back at the painting and now i'm back to snap back to reality and i'm like this is a fucking fake place i made up that it's in italy even

this may not even be a real this could be some fucking jerk off painting it's in Italy even. This may not even be a real, this could be some fucking jerk off painting it over in Studio City above a Starbucks in his fucking loft. That's, you know what I mean? It's just a fake fucking, I don't even know if this place existed. And then I leave the cafe and I'm like, I fucking live here.

What do I do being an asshole thinking I'm fucking Jeffrey Ross and some mandolin ass score, uh, uh, fucking independent movie that was directed by like fucking Jeffrey Rush. And I'm, I'm like, and I go to my nasal appointment and the doctor's like, yeah, yeah. Your walls are still fucked up in there. Yeah. We got to, yeah. You've got to do the surgery. And I'm like, what I go to my nasal appointment, and the doctor's like, yeah, yeah, your walls are still fucked up in there.

Yeah, we got to, yeah, you got to do the surgery. And I'm like, what am I doing, dude? You know, you ever do that? You ever get lost in a painting? The fantasy is shit, right? Like sometimes it's, you're driving to the ha-ha, and you fucking think, oh, I'm sad for no reason. And then you think, I'm going to get burgers.

Fuck it. That's what's going to make me happy. And then sometimes you just get lost in a painting because some woman was shitty to you on a patio. But we're always trying to deal with our shit. I'm always trying to deal with my shit. And, you know, like three years ago, I would never try to deal with my shit. Shit would just happen. And I would just keep moving, dude I would just keep moving, dude.

I'd just keep moving, dude. It's hot as shit. It's hot as shit, but it's fine. I wore the fucking airy t-shirt, right? Because the summer's coming. I wore the fucking airy t-shirt that I used to wear all the time. And goddamn, I fucking sure do. Like, it's crazy with the chains like that just dropping over that

shit look at that shit dude looking crazy good dude look how sexy that is just with the chains just dropping over just carelessly dropping over the fucking t-shirt and also one of them is not even dropping over the t-shirt it's just kind of like laying across my fucking great chest dude it's insane how fucking just lackadaisical that looks How beautifully fucking Ridiculously casual Dude I'm ridiculously casually sexy with that man If I was walking down the street And someone saw me like that

They'd go like this Okay wow And they wouldn't even realize it man These chicks need a towel when I walk by With the ridiculously fucking scooped out Casual fucking chains Just fucking being ridiculous over the goddamn thing I mean Jesus Christ dude But whatever we don't really think about it But when we fucking have it scooped out casual fucking chains just fucking being ridiculous over the goddamn thing i mean

jesus christ dude but whatever we don't really think about it but when we fucking have it oh my god dude it's suddenly you think god damn he really pulls it off doesn't he but he didn't mean to but did he though but did he right and he's got the chest hair peeking out like this like it's a fucking meerkat right the chest hair is peeking out just just peeking the fuck out of the shirt oh but also it's peeking the fuck out of that second chain isn't it too right and it's trying to join look at it just trying to fucking just trying to join just trying to join right there just trying to join under my chin because he keeps it fucking at a 10 o'clock shadow because that's super sexy too and the grays the salt and peppers are keeping

it nice and he doesn't even have them in his beard but they're trying to join right they're trying to join like spider-man in the fucking marvel universe but he can't because he's owned by disney dude oh my chest is spider-man trying to fucking join the Marvel Universe. And we got Thor and Hulk. And we even got Black Widow up in this bitch over on my cheeks. But Spider-Man's like, come on, let me play, dude. Let me play. But he's just got to relax there.

He's just got to relax there and be nice with the chains. Doesn't he, dude? Just peeking out like a meerkat. And don't even get me started on my pubes. That's fucking Moon Knight. What I want to know is, speaking of these fucking universe movies, and I mean this,

I sincerely want to understand what the fuck, I sincerely, I mean this, I sincerely want to understand what the fuck, I sincerely, I want answers and I want them now in the, I actually want them in the, can you guys comment? Because I want to know. And I want to know this from like the bottom of, like if I was a detective on the police force, I would be like, sorry, I got to work on this, even though it's not a crime. Because we need to get to the bottom of this, because this question has been burning for a few days now.

How fucking good can Top Gun be? Okay? Okay? be? Okay? How good can it fucking be, though? Right? Genuinely, how good

can it be? Because, oh, no, but I hear, oh, but I get it, but I hear you, though. But it's Top Gun, right? Oh, but it's not even the original, but I hear you, though, and the original was good, and even if you watch back now, yeah, you do realize how corny it is. But for the time, but okay. And I'm cool with that argument.

But the new one, though? Now, I haven't seen it, but I want to know, though. How good can it fucking be, though? It's still Top Gun. The new one. And yeah, I get it. There's some new stars popping up. You got the guy with the toothpick in his mouth

and the black guy that I always think is fucking, you know, what's his name? Son, but it's not. And it's fine. Am I racist? But all good. But how good can it be though? Tom Cruise is in it, right?

And it's got 97% on Rotten Tomatoes and also 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. And it's like, okay, but how good can it, right? And it's got 97% on Rotten Tomatoes and also 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. And it's like, okay, but how good can it be though? And Rotten Tomatoes fucking sucks, by the way. And I'll tell you this, Rotten Tomatoes sucks. And also the last time I heard a movie was unbelievably good, I saw it. Shang-Chi or whatever the fuck it's called. Oh, oh, and it's fucking, oh. Oh, oh, and it's fucking.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, and it's fucking. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I saw Shang-Chi because of the 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, but I saw it, though. And yeah. Oh, and the guy's a superstar. OK. Oh, look out. We've got a new Asian superstar.

Oh, and I saw it and I saw it, though. but i sat in my living room and i watched the whole things and oops right because of how fucking much of a shit stain on cinema it was so you're gonna make me watch top gun okay and my friends dude i got people like eric griffin who yeah loves bitch-ass movies and i got people like my other friend who's this fucking cool-ass dude and yeah he likes captain america's civil war but he fucking loved top gun and i got people posting it all up in my algorithm about how it's actually really good but how good can it be, though?

I've seen the trailer. It can't be as good as everyone's saying. So I'm going to watch it. I'm going to watch it. But I mean, dude, this whole 97% on Rotten Tomatoes and people act like it's actually, oh, but it's the audience score. Bro, it's the people are voting for the movies they like.

They're not voting for the movies they don't like. That's why Shang-Chi has 97, because every Asian on the planet is like, finally, our turn, and just fucking put it, you know what I mean? Or people are feeling fucking white guilt and they're like, well, okay, they got to have theirs. Dude, it's terrible it's so fucking cock sucking bad like yeah i get glenn powell's a nice guy and i'm happy for him but come on bro like is it that good

um anyway dude you know me man always trying to search for the best fucking trimmer right because i trim i was trimmed the cleaning ladies come and they leave and then i trim and kristen's like you always do it on the fucking cleaning lady. And I'm like, you're right, I do. I really have a fucking, that's so shitty I do that, you know? I don't know what it is. I think it's because I want to shave on a fucking, I want to trim on a clean area, you know?

I think maybe subconsciously that's what it is, but I'm being a real piece of shit. Sometimes I make her sound like, why are you doing, she's not like that. She's the sweetest angel in the world. But like, that's just for comedic, I guess, or in my head and memory. That's how I want to think about it. Cause I don't want to be wrong. But, um, so I got one and then it fell and then it broke and I had to get it again. Dude, I don't even know how many shavers I fucking bought in my life, but I got it again.

And then I fucking, you know, I keep it nice and I, and I keep it nice and I just did it. And I'm like, fuck yeah, dude, I keep it nice. And I'm not breaking this one. And I'm keeping it clean, dude, right? Like I'm not the kind of guy who fucking uses the liquid to clean the shaver like what a piece of shit. But like I'm the kind of guy that like tucks it away and wraps it up a little bit and puts it in the fucking thing, right? And I'm playing with calvin and then you know how sometimes you hear sounds that are not for the area that you hear that you're in right like here's

the greatest example right if you're in an ikea and all of a sudden you hear a bear growl immediately everyone goes what the fuck is that but then sometimes you hear sounds uh that you might hear close to the area you're in and they're happening for a bit and they don't shock you because it's a familiar sound in an area where you might be close to. And you don't realize the sounds happening until later because you're like, wait a minute, I know that sound and it sounds familiar, but why is it in this area? Like if you're in a flower shop and you hear a truck backing up but it's too loud and too close you'll might let that fly for like 20 seconds and be like oh wait a minute where is this fucking thing and then you open the back door and it's literally right outside you're like okay i thought that was weird right so i'm playing with calvin and

i realize i've been listening to my shaver going off for like a minute and i i try to like check i'm like does this been going on how long has this been going on i can't ask calvin right because he's just like will you smell the yemen smell the yemen smell the yemen again i throw the yemen yeah i guess i put the yemen in the tash can and i'm just like you know okay but i'm listening to this and i'm like but that is happening i guess but i'm in the living room but like the room next to me is the tv room and that's my shaver i think but like who's shaving in either the living room or the tv room nobody because the hair would be getting all right so i say kevin give me one second let's take a break from spelling this yemen uh i have to Nobody, because the hair would be getting all, right? So I say, Kevin, give me one second.

Let's take a break from spelling this Yemen. I have to walk over and see. And I look, and this is not a joke. This is real life. You might be like, oh, but it's a joke and you're a comedian. And the reason you might think that is because it's a ridiculous thing to be having happening but it's real this is a documentary if cameras were around this would be in a dramatic documentary kristin

is shaving the couch the sentence I said was the sentence I meant to say Kristen is shaving the couch. You know, that thing families sit on?

She's shaving it. And I look at anyone, but the only other person is there is Calvin, and he's smelling the yammy,'m like okay never mind and she looks up to me and she says i'm shaving the couch and i say what what and she says it's a really good idea. And I say, what? And she says, it's really working. And I say, what are you using my shaver on the couch for? And she says, look, and she points and the part she was shaving looked a lot cleaner than the part she wasn't shaving. And I said, what's on there? And she said, there's dog hairs on here that we don't even realize.

And I'm like, okay, so this is how you're getting the, she said, yeah, I tried doing it with the scissors and tape, and this is just much better. And I'm like looking at her shaving the couch. I'm looking back at Calvin smelling a lemon 900 times, and I'm just like, oh, I'm in Broadmoor. Oh. Oh, I'm a nurse in Broadmoor because everyone here is crazy but me,

and I have to deal with it. Just mew, mew, shaving a couch. I throw the Yemen like this. It's yet I throw the Yemen like this. I put the Yemen in the trash can. Dadda, smell the Yemen. And she's just shaving it. It's a lime. Oh, everyone. Okay. All right. And I thought I was the crazy one.

A day in the life, my babies. A day in the life. A day in the life. I'll die in a life Isn't that right I'll die in a fucking life Um So I don't know what the fuck to do anymore What I do know is I'm not going to see fucking Top Gun in a movie theater I'm going to wait until it comes streaming

And then I'm going to watch it in streaming And everyone's going to be like dude You have to see it in a theater That's why it got to 97% If everyone saw it at home it would be fucking more like 82% As well it is Huh Let's watch this here

Where the fuck did it go I had to fucking Nah that's not much What's this actually, oh bro, have you guys seen, look at fucking, Instagram.com, DJ Khaled, what's up with this God did thing? So dumb, you know? Oops, I put JD Khaled. Wow, JD Khaled.

Just some fucking white lawyer. Hi, I'm JD Khaled. JD Khaled, attorney at law. God did that stupid thing that DJ Khaled. It's all for the fucking, it's got to be all for the, and I can't play it, A.S., dude, can't play it, cause I'm not signed in, don't know my fucking thing, A.S., dude, let's go to fucking, let's go to fucking Instagram here, DJ Khaled, God, dude Dude this guy Is insane Wow

Wow God dead You played yourself To succeed you must believe They ain't believe in us. You played yourself. To succeed, you must believe. They ain't believe in us. God did. The smirk.

They played themselves. Wow. They ain't believe in us. Wow. Sean. God did. Just a fucking moron you know y'all hugging y'all pillow i ain't sleep i haven't slept in days bad for yourself bad sound incredible breaks my heart dude the end of that how the end of that is, I've slept in days. Like, dude, get some sleep, dude.

Hey, you're fucking lucid, you know? God, dude. Imagine being so tired, just being so, like the people around him. There's either, this is the best part. There's either people around him or not. And either way, it's horrible what he's doing. Looking in the fucking thing, showing his pinky ring. They ain't believe in us.

It breaks my heart. They ain't believe in us. God dead. And people are like, can we just, you know what I mean? The people near him. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, Khaled. Chill. You want to watch the fucking...

Hold up. You believe in me? Yep. It's your turn, dude. They're playing Sorry. I haven't slept in days. So, so, get sleep. You know, need sleep.

Going to die of sleep exhaustion. Of whatever it is. You know what I mean? Let me guess. You're hugging your pillow. Putting slob all over your pillow wow really getting mileage with this hugging the pillow thing you got the pillows with the zippers on so you you inflict the wounds all over your face and then you know some of y'all don't even be brushing your teeth and when you're hugging your pillow putting slob over i mean now you're staining the pillow you know i mean you

sleep it all day you know i mean then you get upaining the pillow. You know what I mean? You're sleeping all day. You know what I mean? Then you get up and you still complain. You know what I mean? Even when you're up, you look like you've just been hugging a pillow. Your face is permanently turned into a pillow hug. So bad. How soon?

Tourette's. Tourette's. Learning English. Makesrette's. Special. Learning English. God, dude. Makes no sense there. Makes no sense there, dude. Let me guess, man. Like, worst game show.

Let me guess. You're hugging your pillow. Bing, bing, bing. Wrong. Wrong. The answer was john f kennedy let me guess let me guess you got zippers on your pillow no no it was the alamo. God, Dad. Can we remove him, please? I mean, dude, it breaks my heart. Dude, this guy, it's like who's trying to be more like Rick Ross?

Him or Rick Ross? Oh, here he's sitting on his speaker. The most annoying person In the world dude Sitting on his speaker With a noise fucking maker dude Or whatever the fuck those things are called Wait where is it hold on

Oh that's it. That's the whole thing. Wow. How much did he think that was a toilet and he was shitting on it? God, dude. Here's another one. Oh, there's no sound on this one. Okay.

Hold on. God. Wait. I don't want to play that one. Oh, here we go sound on this one. Okay. Hold on. God. Wait. I don't want to play that one. Oh, here we go. I wear my sneakers. Focus on the sneakers today. Focus on the sneakers.

Go ahead and focus on the sneakers. It's my book bag upstairs. Wow, I didn't know he was recording. That guy's fired immediately. Focus on the sneakers now. Wow, I didn't know he was recording. That guy's fired immediately. Wow.

So not creative. So not creative. Go, yeah, now come a little closer. You need to watch because it's always on time. Big up Saudi. You know what I mean? Big up Palestine, the whole Middle East. You know what I mean? Yep. Now get the walk. Oh, get the walk.

All right. Oh, my God, dude. Now get the watch because it's always on time. Not good, you know? Not something to brag about. Now get the watch. it's always on time not good you know not necessarily not something to brag about now get to watch get the shoes they on my feet hell yeah get the hair is growing so fucking not creative got the heat on my feet and going into miami heat

um dj khaled is an insane person but you know it's probably all for the fucking instagram Got the heat on my feet and going into Miami heat. DJ Khaled is an insane person. But, you know, it's probably all for the fucking Instagram. God, dude. Wow. It's so funny that he's been married for so long, too. Like, that's the most hilarious part. This was great, man.

What a great episode, dude. Beer. Let's have one. So these are my dates and my cities where I'm going to be, my babies. I'm going to be fucking crazy places. I mean, it's insane. I'm going to be in Lake, is it Lake, Lakeland, Florida? Going to be in Grand Prairie, Texas, which is the Dallas play. Go to chrysalia.com.

That's a new one that's going to be in Grand Prairie, Texas, which is the Dallas play. Go to crystalia.com. That's the new one that's going to be on tour. I don't know if we need the presale code, which is don't push me, probably. I don't know when this is going up. It might not be up yet when this episode comes out, so don't be mad at me. But it is coming. Atlanta, Georgia, September 9th, almost sold out. Washington, D.C., almost sold out. Stockton, California, Oakland, California, Peoria, Illinois,

Rockford, Illinois, all of those are going to be September and October. Raleigh, North Carolina, October 21st. October 22nd, Savannah, Georgia. Denver, Colorado, November 5th, that Belco Theater, huge spot. Cheyenne, Wyoming, November 6th. Boston, two shows On November 12th The early one and the late one at the Wang Theater Crazy tickets

Jacksonville, Florida December 3rd Go get those tickets, they're selling out And go to chrislea.com Check out that new shit Life Absolutely Riffs, get that puffed out shit You want to be puffed out um hey guys uh that's it for the youtube episode uh if you want to join uh the patreon and catch the rest of the episode

the uncut episode crystalia. or sorry patreon.com it's patreon.com slash crystalia and uh there's i think 14 episodes uh of only Patreon-only episodes. Go binge them right now, dude. That shit is breaking bad. But we appreciate you guys either way. And patreon.com slash chrystalia. Thanks. Thank you.