Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 256. More Coke Than A Surgeon

Episode Date: June 9, 2022

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And I decided, look, enough's enough. You forgot to look at the boy in a flannel, though. I haven't been wearing... It gets hot in this room. I'm going to be honest with you been wearing it gets hot in this room i'm gonna be honest with you guys it gets hot in this room but i wanted to fucking throw on this flannel to let you not forget like i know i've got the the salt and pepper in the beard but when you throw that flannel on with the salt and pepper in the beard it's like whoopsie daisy we got a whole new look it's like whoopsie daisy is your boy from outside of portland it's like whoopsie daisy you want to fucking travel an hour to get to Seattle? It's like, Jesus Christ, it might be rain.

You see me, you might, you'd be like, oh, we better go indoors. It's going to rain soon because I'm just fucking keeping it real nice with the flannel. When I wear a flannel, all bets are off, dude. That's my cape. When I wear a flannel, it's just, you know, I get it. In a t-shirt, sure, I'm a tall drink of water. And here's the thing, man, before we even get into Shit

I, uh I'm gonna tell you actually about this Brand that, well let me fucking do this Before we even, let me do my dates first Because dude, I love you guys And thank you, and Grand Prairie, Texas Which is near Dallas, is on sale Uh, pre-sale

It's on pre-sale. It's on pre-sale. And if you're here listening to this Wednesday on the Patreon, then you are going to get the best seats there because the code is Don't Push Me. Pre-sale, Don't Push Me. And if you listen to it Thursday or Friday or whatever, just go get tickets.

Or hit the pre-sale. I don't know how long the pre-sale is going to go until, but Wichita, Kansas, I'm also doing that. We got the Don't Push Me pre-sale. I don't know how long the pre-sale is going to go till, but Wichita, Kansas, I'm also doing that. We got the, uh, don't push me pre-sale on Wednesday. And then I'm also going to be in Atlanta, Washington, DC, Stockton, Oakland, all in September. In October, I'll be in Peoria, Illinois, Rockford, Illinois, Raleigh, North Carolina, Savannah,

Georgia. And then in November, I'll be in Denver, Colorado, Cheyenne, Wyoming, Boston, Massachusetts, two shows at the Wang, extra paper, scoop that up. And then in December, I'll be at, I just put one on sale, Lakeland, Florida. We're going to be there. Pre-sale Wednesday, which is what you're listening to. If you've got the Patreon version, if not, just put the pre-sale in. Don't push me.

Jacksonville, Florida. I'll also be there. That's in December. So yeah, I was, I was, I was, I was at a. pre-sailing don't push me jacksonville florida i'll also be there that's in december so yeah i was i was i was i was at a if you're asking me if i was at a coffee shop yes i was dude yes i was at a coffee shop okay and i was wearing regular you know just kind of regular shit you know my tattoos were on and it's all good. And I was with my friend and we saw this super duper cool dude walk out of the coffee shop.

Fine. So I'm sitting there. We see a super duper cool dude coming out of a coffee shop. Fine. He's a cool dad. He's got a kid. He's tatted all the fuck up. I like this guy look at his clothes i like his clothes i like his whole deal okay and then i think i've never seen those clothes before and i you know me dude i mean it's not

like i'm over here at the met gala but your boy knows just enough fashion to not be considered a piece of shit right like I've got the nice flannel on and it might be like, we might be close. We might be Northwestern, right? But you're not going to see me holding an extra head of mine at the Met Gala. Do you know what I'm talking about? So I see this dude wearing all sorts of sweats and all sorts of shirts and being a cool dad, all tatted up. And I don't know how old he is, 35 to 45, no clue. Can't tell sometimes, especially because he had a hat on and sunglasses and a cool beard. I wanted to be like him already. So I'm like, fuck man, look at that. And my buddy says, that's cool. Yeah. It said on the back of his shirt, it said, Tracy, Tracy, Los Angeles.

So we Google it. What the fuck is it? We look it up. We look at Tracy and then we decide that the guy who was at the coffee shop was the owner of Tracy, Los Angeles. I don't know why we decided that. It's not like we saw any pictures or anything like that, but we just decided that that was the owner. Okay. Months later, dude, okay months later dude i'm just scrolling the internet you know how we do it i'm on instagram just scrolling just trying to fucking scroll away my demons and all of a sudden on the inbox i check dude i have a dm from tracy los angeles what now let me just fucking let me start it off like this dude let me start it off like the end of it like it's pulp fiction dude that's how the story ends dude all right but they go like this

now we're back to john travolta's alive again, okay? And we go, we're sitting in the diner with fucking Sam Jackson. And guess what, dude? They DM me, hey, Chris, we're fucking, we love your shit or something. I can't remember what they said. I don't want to misquote them, but something like, we'd love to send you some stuff.

And I go, and I say, are you fucking kidding me, dude? I saw an awesome tattooed up dude wearing your shit. And I was like, that's some cool clothes. And they're like, let me send you this stuff. I say my sizes and boom, I got this. And boom, I got the fucking flannel. And I don't even mean to shout them out. But, you know, cool clothes.

I don't even mean, you know, they're not paying me or anything. They just sent me some shit. So it came full circle, dude. And then they said, we love your your style we want you to wear our clothes and then i'm like dude am i like that guy fuck yeah dude i'm a dad i don't have as many tattoos and maybe i think i actually still think it is the owner i don't know but dude i'm fucking so i'm like that guy if somebody sees me and they see me in these clothes i'm like that guy and they see me with calvin i'm a cool dad i got the tattoos not as many as that guy. If somebody sees me and they see me in these clothes, I'm like that guy. And they see me with Calvin. I'm a cool dad. I got the tattoos, not as many as that guy,

but that's the guy that I'm like, dude. And they see Tracy on the back of my shit. That's what I'm like, dude. So I'm like that guy. God damn it. Fuck yeah, dude. I love it when I'm like that guy. I love it when I'm like a guy I see that I like. I love that dude. I love it when I see a guy and then I realize that other people see me like that guy. Fuck yeah, dude. You're not that guy, pal. You're not that guy. Now, my computer's plugged in, but here's the interesting thing. It's not charging.

So what the fuck does that mean? Hmm. What does that mean, dude? Does that mean that it's not plugged into the side of the wall right there? And does that mean that one fire is about to get fucking booted? Is that what that means? Fuck yeah, dude. means fuck yeah dude fucking fuck yeah dude and you heard the power thing go flume great dude so many fucking travesties happening already but dude that's what i'm saying dude and you can

i got my own merch it's at crystalia.com and we got crazy cool shit going on you got tumblers life rips shit we got the new life rips with the puffed out shit you know and that's the thing i wear that and when people see me they go oh shit i want to be like that guy welcome to the cult my babies welcome to the cult dude it's a cult that's it so we represent the people we like dude and i'm a cool dude just sitting outside of the fucking coffee shop man chilling with calvin i love it, dude. I love it, dude. Guess what?

Calvin loves salmon. Did you know that? Dude, he loves salmon, like loves it. I want salmon, and then I'm eating salmon. He says, I could try some. One time I was in a car with, fuck, man. You know how you remember stuff, but you only kind of like half remember it? I was in a car with my friend's mom and his sister, but my friend wasn't there for some reason.

They needed to pick me up from some park. And I had these candies, and I was sitting in the back seat, and the sister was sitting in the front seat. She was younger than me, and then the mom was sitting in the front seat with the driver's seat, obviously. And I was eating the candies wow I was such a dick even at fucking up what would I had to be eight and she turned around and saw me eating the candies and she said I could have one and I judged that

the mom didn't hear her say that and because she said I could have one and not can I have one I said that's not how you ask for something he's a dick even when he's 80 rings true dude i said that's not how you do it we went back to one renter sting because we got fucking flagged on the two it was too much of the song hey what do you want dude so we now we have one dude i haven't get rid of fixed it i haven't get rid of one one fire zero um but yeah dude she said

i can have one i said that's not how you ask for something and then and then she dude i was eight i was such a dick she was probably six and then i and then i think she said it right no no then i said that you're supposed to say can i have one please and i think i don't really remember the rest of it but i think i i like to think i was a good guy and i gave it to her because oh fuck i'm an asshole dude wow you remember the asshole shit you used to do as a kid when i was a kid i was in preschool or i was in whatever it was it was mrs pillsbury's is what it was called it was the place where the fucking lady squeezed my cheeks too hard once because i went down the slide wrong all good she squeezed my cheeks too hard if i ever become a serial killer that's the thing i'm gonna

go that's the defense i'm gonna go with well did you know that the defendant had a squeeze has his cheeks squeezed too hard when he was at mrs pillsbury's no i'm some order order order order order. She squeezed my cheeks real hard. I didn't tell my mom until years later, and she said, you should have told us that. I didn't, though, and it's fine. She squeezed my cheeks, and I'm fine about it. But it hurt, and it scared me, but it's fine. I'm fine about it.

She's a cheek squeezer, and so she did that, and then in that same place, wherever the school was, it had like a kitchen and shit. How is it a school? But anyway, it had a kitchen. Was it just a house? Was I just at someone's house? What the fuck is Mrs. Pillsbury's? It was in New Jersey.

I don't know. It was also the 80s. So it was completely, it literally could have been like some fucking somebody's house. Now they would never do that. They would never have school at somebody's house. But I went there and I was eating snack time and somebody was eating wafers and she was eating the wafer so little. I talked about this before my podcast. She was eating the wafer so little.

And I, and I, and I was, it was great. And dude, I was like a young Larry David. I was like fucking nine, just, just in my own career enthusiasm. And, uh, and I was looking at her and I finally couldn't take it. I said, how come you're eating such small bites? And she said, because it lasts longer that way. Ooh, dude. And I got angry because I think, yeah, but don't you want more in your mouth? You want more satisfaction all at once

rather than fucking spanned out for too long. Also, it gets old. Dude, I want the, see, this is why I'm an addict. And she's not. And she's got a fucking beautiful life and a family and everything. And has never been any sort of... And never been done enough. Because she takes small bites of her wafers.

Fuck yeah, dude. I would take that whole wafer and just... Like a tree trimmer. Just fuck it, dude. All of it. I want all the flavor in my mouth at once, swallow, and then move the fuck on, dude. That's how I eat.

That's how I eat. I'm not as bad as Mike Linoche, the guy who, the guy, the comedian Mike Linoche, which I hang with a lot. He fucking eats shit and he's like, we gotta finish this food to move on to the dessert. We finish the dessert, we gotta move on to the next thing. I'm not like that. I enjoy it, but I do it quickly, dude.

But I'll eat that shit like a tree trimmer or a fucking log trimmer or whatever. And she was just taking her sweet time. It's like, what are we doing, dude? It's like I was talking to my uncle the other day about Western medicine versus Eastern medicine. And he was like, well, you know, Western medicine is good. But also if you go to the fucking Eastern, like if you have a bruise in asia and you go to a doctor they they like america they'll just like ice the bruise and like just local right locally around the bruise or just try to get the bruise as small as it can but in the in the east though if you're in asia they'll try to spread the bruise out so there's less pain all over your body and i say yeah i don't know

don't you think that western medicine though there's science and stuff involved and he said yeah but who's done medicine longer and then that was when i was just like okay well i don't i don't even want to you know i don't even want to have that okay sure if you're that you know what i mean if you're that if you're that i'm never that hell-bent on any argument unless it's like literally about the dumbest shit and this is was a little bit too medical for me to really. And so that's what she was doing. She was spreading the bruise out for, you know, and I'm just like a Western. That's what she was doing with the, with the wafer, just trying to make it last longer

throughout her whole body. And me, I'm more of a fucking Western medicine type dude. You know, I'm the guy who goes in that just eats the fucking wafers all at once and just has a flavor explosion in his mouth. Um, that is what I want though, dude. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy how much I, I do that.

I think about my ticket sales. I look at how many tickets I sold and I'm like, how do I get more? How do I fucking sell 10 more tickets? How do I sell 30 more tickets? How do I sell? You know what I mean? And then once I can add another show, like I fucking added in the boston i'm just like fuck yeah dude off to the races dude and i just think about like i want it oh fuck dude i gotta catch

ah fuck man gotta catch my i gotta realize i got a great life see i have a great life i've got a beautiful son a beautiful beautiful girl whom I love very much. We hold each other. We talk. Me and Kristen, we talk. We have good times. We laugh. You know, we make fun of each other in beautiful ways.

We get in very minimal arguments, right? And, you know, we do kisses. We do all sorts of stuff. But it's, you know, and then my son, it's beautiful. He comes up to me and he, you know, I put pomade in his hair the other day for the first time. I put his hair back like he was a fucking CEO. It's awesome, dude. I put his hair back and he didn't want it.

He's like, no, no, no, no. And I kept doing it. I kept doing it until he was finally fine with it. I looked in the mirror and he looked like a CEO. He's boss, baby. he looked like a CEO. He's boss, baby. He looked like a CEO. So it looks like when he talks, Alec Baldwin's voice is going to come out.

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Dude, there's definitely two levels of acting. There's three levels of acting, and that's it. There's bad acting, there's fine acting, and then there's fucking crazy good acting.

Three levels. Bad,'s fucking crazy good acting. Three levels. Bad, fine, crazy good. And like I watched this fucking Dr. Death show and Joshua Jackson is fine. And I, no hate, dude. He's a handsome dude. He was in Dawson's Creek. And you know, I know my ex-girlfriend thinks he's very sexy and that's fine, dude. And he was in that show, The Affair.

Apparently the show, The Affair, was good. My ex-girlfriend liked he's very sexy, and that's fine, dude. And he was in that show, The Affair. Apparently, the show, The Affair, was good. My ex-girlfriend liked it a lot. Fine, dude. She liked it a lot, said he was sexy. Fine. Doesn't really bother me because I find that he is kind of, whatever, it's not up to me. She likes who she likes, and she said that when we were dating, and that's, whatever, it's fine. And she likes Joshua Jackson.

She thinks he's sexy, and that's fine. She also said the other guy in The Affair was very sexy, and that's fine. So now I'm like, well, maybe she just likes affairs, which doesn't make much sense why she got so mad at She thinks he's sexy. And that's fine. She also said the other guy in the affair was very sexy. And that's fine. So now I'm like, well, maybe she just likes affairs. Which doesn't make much sense why she got so mad at me when I had one. Now, oops, right? Now, oops. But also maybe that's why she thinks I'm sexy, right? Because I was a bad boy.

Reformed, but bad boy. And, you know She liked um Joshua Jackson in that So I took a peek at the Doctor Death Dude I took a peek at the Doctor Death And I did it because I saw it on a billboard And it was on Peacock And I like Peacock so sue me I like Peacock

Peacock HBO Max Those are the two hot shits right now dude Alright I like Peacock I didn't know Peacock There's Peacock and there Max. Those are the two hot shits right now, dude. All right? I like Peacock. I didn't know Peacock. Peacock, there's Peacock and there's NBC. I had no idea. There's the NBC app and Peacock.

What's the difference? I don't know. But on Peacock, they all say fucking stuff a lot. Like Dr. Depp, they were saying fucking shit and they had like, you know. Joshua Jackson's a fine actor. Now, sorry, but Christian Slater's a bad actor. He shows up and he's talking and he's just, he's not good. And there's some good acting, there's some bad acting, but then Alec Baldwin shows up.

And there's a guy who's crazy good, dude. And he's crazy good in Dr. Death. And it's a fun watch. But this is about this Christopher Dunge dude that was just a lunatic, man. Christopher Dunge. And yes, I heard the podcast dr death and now i've seen the show dr death and i even saw the fucking documentary miniseries that they did on nbc which they left out a lot of that shit i didn't know he was toting a gun around and shit

the guy was but by the way if you're a surgeon and you're not doing coke you're not at that fucking level where you're operating where you should be if you're a true surgeon you got to do coke when you're on your day off. You have to do, you got to be like Scarface sitting there just looking around thinking about an empire. Dude, you, and let me tell you something. Nobody does more coke than a fucking surgeon. And I won't hear anything other than that. I won't hear anything other than that. All doctors, they do mountains of coke.

Dude, especially young ones. And if you're in your, if you're, dude, if you're, it peaks, it's like a young doctor, young hotshot doctor, you're getting fucking, you know, 30, 35 year old. Wow, dude, lots of Coke. You get to do 40 years old, lots of Coke. And then you have a family, right? You do a little bit less Coke, but you still do it. And then it becomes like, you know, 45, 50s every day.

And then you have your thing and then 60 and then you go down but you do mountains of coke if you put on a lab coat mountains of coke and maybe not if you're like a pediatrician but like wow that would be hilarious so what we got you want a lollipop what you got you want a lollipop

so yeah this guy is Christopher Dunge is a spinal surgeon that so, um, yeah, this guy is, is, uh, Christopher Dunge is a spinal surgeon that, uh, came up to the ranks in school and was this hotshot doctor, but it was all style and shit,

I guess. And just ego. Imagine the ego you have to have as a surgeon though, for real. What do you do? I make sure people fucking live. I save lives. A lot of,

a lot of, a lot of, uh, surgeons probably think they're a little bit Jesus Christ, you know? But this guy thought he was God, man. And he would go in and he would fucking, he would convince people to get surgeries, even if they didn't need to. And then he would just paralyze them. It was the worst. And some people died. The weirdest serial killer ever.

If you're, this is the thing about Christopher Dunge, why he's a fucking cold hearted pussy. killer ever. If you're, this is the thing about Christopher Dutch, why he's a fucking cold hearted pussy. Because dude, if you're going to serial killer, if you're going to be a serial killer, go out there, get all the shit. Be Israel keys, set up kill kits, put them around the country, leave them there for years. And then when you vacation with the family, find people where the kill kits are, get the ski mask, get the gloves, the zip ties, and go on a killing spree and then go home. Be on the lam. You're a bitch ass if you use an anesthetic. This is why I don't have respect for this motherfucker.

Yeah, he's a serial killer, but he did it like getting a degree and shit. Dude, I don't want my serial killers having degrees. I want my serial killers to be transients. I want my serial killers to be like outside of a gas station looking for something. And then when you ask him, what's up? They say, I want him to drive a fucking old Chevelle or a station wagon, even worse, a Buick. I don't want them rolling around a BMWs. I don't give a fuck wagon, even worse, a Buick. I don't want them rolling around

a BMWs. I don't give a fuck, dude. Oh, Ted Bundy. Oh yeah. But he was a professional and he was handsome and charismatic. Fuck out of here, dude. Charles Manson all day long. And let me tell you the other thing. Charles Manson never actually killed anyone. He just convinced people to kill people. So that's some other bitch shit. John Wayne Gacy, Richard Ramirez. But I don't want to be one of those fucking idiots. Like, it drives me nuts when fucking chicks are like, oh, but they're so sexy. And it's like, dude, really stare a serial killer in the eyes alone. You won't. You won't.

You won't. Jeffrey Dahmer. There you go, dude. I want weirdos. I don't want these fucking buttoned up like, well, let's see. Let's take a look at you. Okay. You need surgery and then put them under and then dead.

What kind of bitch ass shit is that? What is it? Dr. Giggles? I used to be so scared of that fucking movie, Dr. Giggles, man. God, that guy was so scary in that fucking show, in that movie. They used to play on HBO when I was a kid. Oh, man. There was one time where he went under the sheets and took a scalpel and fucking stabbed

it into a girl's like, well, I, now that, now that I think about it, it was her pussy. But in my head, as a kid, I was like, oh, why is he doing that to her belly button? And it's like, okay, well, all right. We get it. And you wonder why I'm the kind of guy that says that's not how you ask. Is it when I'm fucking eight years old or when I'm pissed off at a girl taking little bites like little larry david that's what i'm saying dude it is what it is it's hard not to be pushed right this amber heard uh johnny depp thing is insane huh can we like is it done now it was done and then everyone's still i don't even know what

to say about it dude i fucking put out a tiktok about uh about it but i you know it was something that was like oh i said on my show months ago and now everyone fucking goes nuts you know because like i said it and fucking everyone's mad that i said it dude fucking fuck fuck everyone you know everyone's mad that I said it, dude. Fucking, fuck everyone, you know? Try to fucking, just try to hold my son and fucking be with my family. Oh, dude, how about the fact that

let me, every now, like, Hollywood is, it's still kicking. You know what it's like? Hollywood's like that fucking, have you ever seen Faces of Death where they bash that monkey's brain in and eat it? And the monkey's just like, pop. And the people are just, pop, pop. The white people are just, pop, pop.

And the monkey's like, pop, pop. And then, pop. And then, finally, and then they, and then they, mmm. That's Hollywood, dude. Everyone just fucking, Hollywood, just that monkey. Pop, finally, and then they, and then they, mmm, that's Hollywood, dude. Everyone just fucking Hollywood just that monkey, and it's still, and it's just at that last blow, dude.

And that last blow right there is fucking them re-releasing Morbius. How'd they do it? Dude, how'd you do it, Hollywood? How'd you TKO yourself? The Will Smith thing happened right pimp slapped a comedian for saying something how the fuck what's up with this fucking re-release of Morbius it's awful dude Morbius was a bad this is the thing dude people don't want to go see movies as jokes I've said this since snakes on a plane

everyone thought snakes on the plane was gonna be fucking hollywood was like oh it's basic enough oh it's a joke oh people think it's funny oh everyone's gonna go see it it came out what did it do it did fine thank god because of sam jackson it didn't fucking go gangbusters like they thought it was going to right and now because now because there's memes of Jared Leto. They re-release Morbius. It made 40 grand. Morbius came out. It can't make a down payment for a house.

Morbius re-released. It just was taken from the fucking you could buy four boats with the money they made you could throw a nice kinda party for the money they made but they thought memes were gonna save Morbius dude, you thought memes were gonna save morbius dude you thought

memes were gonna save it memes destroyed it some fucking hot shot exec you know dude nah get out of here with that you know nah they need me dude they need me they need to me as my, you know what my fucking position is? That's my position. That's what they call it. We need to get the fucking in here. I come in and whenever they say something stupid and I walk up to them and I do this to their chest until they keep walking backwards out of the door.

And then I close it and I ask them to not WD-40 the door. I ask them to make the door squeakier. So it's more disrespectful. Because I'm here for the company. Do you understand, Universal? Do you understand, Paramount? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. But I just thought if we ah, ah, ah, because of the meme.

Ah, ah, ah, because of the meme power. Because I ah, ah, ah. And Jared Leto has proven to be now when are we making top gun three morbius dude michael morbius Morbius, dude. Michael Morbius. Should have known once it... Like, change his name.

Dude, you know? Like, fuck it. There should be a movie about... How cool would this be, dude? How fucking awesome would this movie be? And I've thought about this so much, and I wanted to make this movie so badly, and I'll never make this movie,

but I want to. And you'll steal this idea. Somebody will steal this idea. No, no. Actually, they won't, because they won't do it the way I want to do it this is the best movie this is one of the best fucking movie ideas i ever had and i've had it for like 20 fucking years okay this guy is fucking being himself and it's like takes place over two fucking three weeks and shit and you notice that he's fucking cool but he's trying to keep it together and then you don't realize what's going on you think maybe there's a drug problem or what it is and then at the end you don't even realize it and the movie ends and

then a week later you realize oh that movie was about superman trying to not be superman dude yeah dude for real that movie would be so ill if a director like a christopher nolan type dude made a direct made a movie and it would use his star power to just make this fucking movie where the dude was just hanging out for three weeks, like dating and also going to work and shit. He worked at maybe a newspaper part, but they didn't call him Clark Kent. You never even heard his name.

And then at the end, fucking the movie ends and the movie leaves theaters and everyone's like, we didn't really understand it. And then Christopher Nolan does a review, does an interview about the movie and says, well, you know that movie was about Superman trying to not be Superman for three weeks. Hollywood, dude. Are you serious? That shit would go gangbusters, man.

I'm serious. I would make such good movies. I don't know. I don't know I don't know I got a fucking You know I got a new place Where I go And I go eat food

And it's nice They got a turkey club It's amazing They finally put enough Cheese in it Thank god They finally put enough Cheese in fucking

Club sandwiches man I'm not gonna tell you Where it is Cause I wanna keep going And I go And I go I fucking I go to park

And there's never enough parking. And everyone's always double parked. And it's so illegal, but it's whatever, dude. And sometimes I can't even get out of my car because another car is parked illegally right outside of me. And it's like, okay, I'll just wait. Some days I just wait, but some days I'm pissed off. And I start doing stuff like, doesn't help anything. And I find a spot. I get there there a lady gets in her car she sits down

in her car it's taking a bit so you know me dude i roll up i'm not the guy who doesn't say anything but i realize how sometimes i come across right so i rolled down the window and i say hey are you leaving and she says yeah but give me uh she says, but I'm looking up for directions on where to go on my phone. Give me five minutes. Takes 20 seconds. We all know, you know what I mean? Click the goddamn thing that somebody sent you or just fucking google it and then click that doesn't take five minutes five minutes now you're pushing

and now you're doing the thing they say it takes people longer to get out of the parking space they did a study and it was like it takes longer for people to get out of the parking spaces if they know you're waiting for them and I'm just like humanity is doomed you I mean that's like fucking six goddamn beaches of Normandy to me that's so

horrible that statistic is so horrible it's worth six beaches of Normandy to me. That's so horrible. That statistic is so horrible. It's worth six beaches of Normandy. You know what I'm talking about? What? Why have I been hurrying up? I've been hurrying up, dude. And then the guy and the fucking Postmates, nobody can do their goddamn job, dude.

I need to relax, though, you know, their goddamn job, dude. I need to relax though, you know, because here's the thing, I want to be, I want to be, you know, I think sometimes I let fucking life and like the things, the hustle and bustle, you know, get to me and I either get depressed or angry or whatever. And it's very easy to get caught up in, uh, the, the day to day of it, right? Like I got to do this podcast and I got

to do lifeline. Then I got to do king and the stick and the wing or whatever it is. You know, I got to think about, you know, I got to think about my tour. I got to fucking put these dates on tour. I got to post this then or then. And it's very easy to get caught up And not realize I'm a human being, we're all human beings I want what's best for everybody And I do need to check myself sometimes If I'm being honest

And You know, that being said The way the guy delivered the Postmates earlier today Was just a fucking travesty And it was uncalled for It was so dude, bring it to the we've had so many

fucking issues with Post, bring it to the fucking, my address is what my address is, right? Bring it there. But then the guys today it was oh it says he's arriving in a Kia. Thank God by the way, so I could at least look out for the car.

I see a guy in a Kia literally just fucking a block down just doing this with his Kia right here. This is the car. And then reversing all the way back to me, reversing on the street all the way back to me in the Kia parks too far away, keep reversing all the way to me. Right. But he didn't, he stopped parked too far away and then walked up to me holding the bags and said, Hey, sorry, it said the other house. And I said, well, what did the address say? Told me the address and then pointed to the curb right next to me because I was right outside my house. And he said, yeah, but look, and showed me something.

And the only reason why I say he showed me something and I don't describe it is because it didn't matter. Because the fucking thing, what he showed me was what he thought my house was on the fucking shaded in region because of the location. Dude, but the address is right there dude i told you about the one time where the dude came up and he was like sorry your address the addresses on your street go up and then down and then up again and i was like okay i guess i'm just not gonna win against postmates they don't go up and then down and then up again anywhere on the planet, one, two, three, four, who are you, fucking Calvin, one, two, three, and 18,

four, two, and one, no, dude, you're a grown-ass 27-year-old adult, so, anyway, it took her fucking five minutes to leave the parking lot, and I got pissed off,

and I fucking went, I left, I left, and I went to, I got another spot here, dude, I want to talk about these guys, again, these guys are just, these Shawnee and Bria on TikTok, there's a video I put out, it kind of went viral, but it was a clip from a podcast about the funniest clip I've ever seen on the internet, and you can Google it, that but it's uh bro it's this guy who said what the fuck's up with the lights chocolate croissants i think we called it chocolate croissant i don't know if we did call the episode that but dude this is an update and i saw two seconds of it i wanted to save it i know you're sensitive but you gotta put your shit away there we go in here tonight 50 bucks this is not a free hotel yeah where's normandy never came up i love this guy she spilled it what did i tell her

no i told you before you even fucking did it but you did dude why do i love this guy so much no i told you to do it before you even fucking did it. And I, dude, so just, just done. I love this guy. See, what did I tell her? No, I told you before you even fucking did it,

but you did it. Dude. Oh, see, I told you the, the, the tired, the exasperated,

just how fucking cock sure he is about the past is what I love. He knows about the past better than, it's like, it's like he's a psychic. No, that's what it is. He knows about the future like it's the past and then tells you about it after it happens. Yes, I figured out how to say the sentence, dude. He knows about the future and tells you about it after it happens like he's pissed off he didn't call it. Yes, he said it again in a good way. Dude, it's amazing.

This guy's amazing. I do this shit all the time. And I love it. And Krista gets mad at me. Yes, dude. I deserve it. But we kiss and we cuddle sometimes, too. So it's all about balancing.

See, what did I tell her? No, I told you before you even fucking did it, but you did it. Wow. That is. And then he goes. And then he goes. Fuck. By himself, dude.

Unbelievable, dude. This guy is my fucking Marvel superhero. I want to play it again. Yeah. This guy is my fucking Marvel superhero. I'm gonna tell my dad on you. Tell him. I'll tell him what you're doing. What am I doing? Getting high at noon. Stay- what? Staying till when? Wednesday. Wednesday? She's staying till Wednesday.

And today's what Sunday? Oh my god, cracked her fucking toe and said, knuckle. Unreal, dude. Yep. You better start drinking then. fucking toe and said knuckle. Unreal, dude. You better start drinking then. Can I have this? Sure. You can put it in the garbage when you're done.

Yeah. That's what I got. Why are you throwing it at me? That second one is so good. Staying here tonight? Yeah. 50 bucks. This is not a free hotel. it's so good that second one is so good right here right here right here this is my favorite dude see what did I tell her no I told you before you even fucking did it

but you did it fuck fuck You fucking did it, but you did it. Fuck. Fuck. No, I fucking told you before you even did it, and you did it. Dude, why is this guy so funny? Shawnee and Brea, dude. Oh, fuck.

We love them. What the fuck's up with the lights? What the fuck's up with the lights? I got to take a piss. I'll be right back. Oh, God. We were at, I went to the bathroom, guys. Thanks very much for keeping me, let me do that, dude. I thought I had to go number one, and we'll just leave it at that.

But I didn't think I had to go number one, and I did go number one, but I also, we'll just leave it at that. We'll just leave it at that, right? We'll just leave it at that. We'll just leave it at that. Right. Yeah, I wanted to... Actually, I got this from my Discord on my Patreon, which is great. Amy Kenyon sent it.

And I did not... I overheard it. I was like, what the fuck is that? And I was like, I want to play that. A little love tap on the 10-pin. Chris Vi just feeding it out to that 4-5 board down lane. And look at this pin action. Oh.

4-5 board down lane. And look at this pin action. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Dude, got a finger in his butt. Absolutely fucking came so hard. You know I come, doctor. You know, doc, if I see the last pin fall gingerly, I bust a nut.

We have no medication. Take a look at this nice break and a little love tap on the 10-pin. Chris Fies is feeding it out to that 4-5 board down lane. And look at this pin action. Oh. Dude, how could you do that, dude? He's probably one of those dudes that has no idea either, just like some 55-year-old white guy that just is like, well, what do you mean? Oh, no, I didn't even think of that.

Like, dude, you sounded like you were busting your guts. Oh. All right, check out that break. The guy needs a break. Oh, look at that beautiful break. There we go, beautiful break. And then I knocked off nine pins. Oh, and that's when Titor and I go, oh, God.

Oh. Just fucking. That was a beautiful shot, all over, oh, god, oh, the pin falls all over, oh, look at it dribble, dribble down your chin, um, that's unbelievable that he did that, uh, no we did, we went out and we fucking got a nice fucking dinner dude, you ever think about that, you ever go out and get a nice dinner, dude we went to go do a show, I was with Kristen and another couple, fucking double dating it up, you know, you know double dating it up, you know, and this fucking, they wanted to come out and do a show, we fucking get an early show, and we were saying we were going to leave it by fucking 730. Of course, we left by 8 because Kristen.

And it's all good, dude. And we got to the fucking laugh factory. And I fucking absolutely, you know what I mean? We tear the roof off. Actually, the crowd wasn't even that great. I thought I did only okay. He's got to stay humble. He's got to stay honest.

And I thought I did okay. I said it was okay and they were like no it was great and so i was like okay and they're like you want to go eat and i was like yeah okay sure and i was like where do you want to go and they were like well let's go to a fucking nice sit-down place and i was like oh all right i like diners but okay okay all right i like diners but okay i acquiesce and everyone was like well maybe we should go here there and then finally krista made the executive decision let's go to isabel and i was like, well, maybe we should go here or there. And then finally, Kristen made the executive decision. Let's go to Isabel. And I was like, okay, that's a fucking, that's a very sit down place, right?

It's a very big place. That's very beautiful. And it's very nice. We have really nice cars outside. So we take the fucking throat mobile. We drive over there. It's got four seats, even though two are buckets. And we go there and I don't want the fucking guy

to crash my car. So I say, can I park it in the lot? And he says, actually, I have to. And it's like, whenever somebody does that with the valet, you're like, yeah, but no, you don't, right? Because that's just a rule that we made up. And nobody also is going to, what's going to happen? Can I pull it in?

Actually, we have to. For what? What's going to happen? The fucking valet police are going gonna come out and throw you in fucking jail when you want to come back and get your husband here's your ticket to the fucking wife when the guy gets thrown in jail hey i'm in here i'm in valet jail um so racist i gave him a mexican accent but you know what i mean and um hey when can when my wife can get me does she actually need the actual ticket or do you guys have an app or what

um and uh so i say can i do it he's like no and i was like well okay the car's really low and he said it's okay i'll park it out here for the vip i was like oh is it double the price and he was like yeah i was like all right welcome to suckerville dude so i gave it to him and i'm all good and we went to isabel we had a good time and you know everyone's drinking but me right because i don't drink and uh strip clubs became a topic and i was like oh no i'm listening you know what i mean we were talking everything. Everything was good. But by the way, everything was good because I was like, I had a lot of sleep that night. The night before, drank some nice coffees, had a Vyvanse. And then everything was great, dude, right?

I probably had three Vyvanse's in my life, by the way, because I know in the comments, people are like, well, it's probably all the drugs. It's fucking yuck. Dude, I don't take drugs, okay? I take like fucking two Xanax a month and three Vyvanse ever, all right? So we're talking and we're having good conversation, but then the conversation levels up and we start talking about strip clubs. And now I'm like, I'm interested. I used to go to strip clubs a lot. I used to go all the time. I used to go in my twenties. I used to run that

shit. I used to go there and make friends dude it was the beginning of my addiction and i was you know it was like in the beginning of fucking um a mob movie when it was like and that was when i realized i was one of the guys right that was me in my early 20s when i walked into this strip club and that was when i realized things i was actually gonna become a made man hey honey want to dance? Splurt. And there's Johnny Ninefingers. We don't even know how he lost his other finger. Hey, honey, want to dance?

Sure. Splurt. Ka-ching. Right? Did you know you can go so deep in the valley that it's basically Mexico? Hey, honey, want to dance? Splurt. Zip.

Ka-ching. I was out of order. But anyway, I would go there. And my God, what a fucking, what a funny fucking time in my life. And so I hadn't been, I haven't been to the strip club i don't know when the last time i went to the strip club was i i don't even know uh i don't know when the last time was maybe on a not even on a bachelor party i don't know it's been fucking so long but kristen was there and the other couple was there and the other couple was talking about how they

go to a they went to a strip club and how it was fun. And then Chris was like, we should go. And I was like, really? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, man, it's been so long, but also I'm listening. Right. But also maybe we shouldn't go, but also I'm listening. Right.

So I'm like, hmm. So I'm like, that's very interesting. Like we probably shouldn't go, but also, hmm. Right. So I'm like, that's very interesting. Like we probably shouldn't go, but also, hmm, right? And so, okay. So we end up going. One time I was at the strip club when I was in my fucking, fuck, I was probably in my, well, I was probably like 28. No, it was probably earlier than that, actually, 25 or something.

And I was getting a dance I was just hanging out with my buddy And he wanted to go to the strip club And we went to the strip club and he was like He wanted to get a dance from a specific girl And I was just chilling I didn't want to I was just chilling And then he was like off getting a dance with her for like way too long And this girl kept coming up and he was like you sure you want to dance

I was like nah I'm good He was like you sure you don't want to dance I was like nah I'm good And he was there for so long and she was like you sure you don't want to dance I'm like nah I'm good it's like sure you don't want to dance like nah I'm good and he was there for so long and she's like you sure you don't want to dance I'm like all right honey you wore me out you wore me out let's go you know what I mean let's just go let's just go back there I've got a wad let's just go and we went and she did the lap dance and she asked me if I wanted another song and I said yes and then she asked me if I wanted another song and then I said yes and then I said that's probably it and then she fucking

hugged me and she hugged me for too long I didn't really know what was going on and then I said yes and then I said that's probably it and then she fucking hugged me and she hugged me for too long I didn't really know what was going on and then I started bouncing and I realized it was actually her that's bouncing because she was crying on my shoulder and I said nothing for a while and then she said take me away from here.

Swatch aside! I never forgot! dude she said take me away from here and she was keeping my shoulder wet SWAT Dude Unreal And I go You're probably like waiting with bated breath But Chris what did you do and say Here's what I did

Here's what I did Fucking 26 year old me I go like this Uh Uh And did a phantom hug didn't even oh literally that's what i did waited for a little bit left payder felt bad but what am i gonna do you know i take away from her i take her to my house she fucking robs me her fucking dudes and fucking, they all take my money and fuck me in the ass.

Just rubbing up against the pillow. No, I get it. No, I get it. You know? Oh, I see. You're trying to take advantage of guys with hearts. All right. Oh, I get it.

I get it. I get it i get it i get it so um anyway that happened and so that was one of the times i'll never forget it i'll never forget that i will never forget that dude and so went to that same strip club the body shop on sunset we took it we took the throat mobile got out went in, and I forgot the place caught fire,

and then they had to rebuild it. I haven't been there in so long, and they rebuilt it, and I walked in, and it was like walking into a fucking, it was like I fell asleep and dreamt the place.

That's what it was because it was kind of the same but also a little bit different. It was a little bright. I went in there, and the girls ran away immediately, and I was telling them, dude. I was telling them beforehand. I was telling the guy in the couple. And I was telling them, dude, I was telling them beforehand,

I was telling the guy in the couple's relationship that we were with, I was like, bro, you know, when I went to the strip club, I would go because I would try to get extra nice with it, right? Like that's where I would go to try and learn how to hit on like chicks. I would go to the strip club

and I knew they would come up to me and that's when I would learn how to get super nice with it, right? Like I'd talk to them and I would be like be like oh I could probably have sex with these ladies and that's how I learned to get super nice with it okay and I was telling them and then the ladies me and the the you know Kristen and her friend and then the other dude the ladies went away and it was just me and the other dude and he looked at me and said you know it would be I don't know where the girls are but it would be kind of cool to see if you still were

really nice with it. Dude! But I didn't feel like being nice with it, you know? I was just chilling. And you know, I don't you know, it's like and of course another fucking stripper came up to me and she was like, when the ladies come back, do you want us to give them a dance?

And I was just like, I don't know if they're gonna want that but maybe you just let me know i'm rosanna and i was like do you know a girl cried here i never mind i took it okay thank you and so we went and it was really just it didn't i don't know if it was because i was fucking running at a vive answer what but it wasn't popping man man. It wasn't popping. It wasn't that good, you know. Yeah, we saw some titties. We saw also, there's always that couple in the strip club where you're like, who are they and how do they get together?

Like, we saw a dude that looked like CeeLo and a woman that looked like a fucking, like the highest real estate agent in Los Angeles. And it was like, how did they get together, dude? And the dude was so bossed up he wasn't even looking at the thing he was just like throwing money on the thing like this just like throwing money at the disrespectful but also stripping is just the whole thing so disrespectful and then

kristen's like want to go and i'm like yeah and so we went and i you know i didn't activate my niceness but but we left and then um kristen reminded me of a time where we were taught we were watching uh when we first started dating we were watching this fucking documentary called when porn ends which just sounds like something that i really want to watch you know so i turn it on and when we turn it on man porn stars and comics they absolutely uh run in the same circles you know like there were so there were always porn stars at every show and there still are it's just crazy i don't know why but and then some of them want to like get on stage and do shows with like sam tripley or some shit it's like hilarious and so i you know i hung out with a lot of porn stars

and so uh we watched this thing and kristin a lot of porn stars, and so we watched this thing, and Kristen was like, let's watch it, and I realize now that she wanted, I don't know if she wanted to watch it or not, but, you know, she was intrigued, and so she's like, let's watch this. Okay, but, like, I got to be honest with you guys, with you, babe, like, there might be women in this documentary that I've hung out with, and she was like, it's okay. Tell me, you know. I was like, all right, fine.

And so we start the documentary and it's like talking heads and shit, you know. And this one porn star and she's like, so when I started porn and then after this. And then another one comes on. Oh, I know her. We hung out. And she's like, really? And I'm like, yeah. Another talking head.

And I was like, oh, we hung out too. And she was like, what? And I was like oh i i we hung out too and she was like what and i was like yeah oh her too and we got the point dude there were five and i was like oh damn i know fucking her too i was even like myself shocked she looks over at me doing it and she is fucking smiling but just tears in her eyes and i was like oh no and she's like it's fine I just didn't know it was going to be this many dude it was it was horrendous and I turned it off and we hugged

dude and I felt bad my addiction affects people but yeah dude there were so many there were so many oh man dude oh god calvin if you're listening when you grow up i'm sorry you know well everyone that's it for youtube if you want to catch the rest of the episode the uncut episode, you gotta hit our Patreon, patreon.com slash chrystalia. We've got extra, uh, um, all the episodes are longer on the

Patreon thing, on the Patreon thing, so go over there and do that. And then also, there's, every month there's a new Patreon. Go binge. Go binge. Go watch the old one. Sign up for our Patreon, patreon.com slash chrystalia, and watch the old Patreon-exclusive episodes. It's like four of, fourteen of them. So go over there and do it like it's Breaking Bad. Binge them, dude. old one sign up for our patreon patreon.com slash chris talia and watch the old patreon exclusive episodes it's like four of 14 of them so go over there and do it like it's breaking bad binge them

dude sign up today Okay, let's do it. Let's start it going.