Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 257. Oh I Made A Mess

Episode Date: June 16, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris discusses his struggle with OCD, his goal to become an old man with a muffin, and he takes a trip to the 90's internet. Plus an acting lesson with Michael Caine! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hi, guys, and welcome to yet another episode of Congratulations. Here we are, here we are.

Hello darkness, my old friend. Oh wait, can't you see again? And yodel-odel-odel-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d-o-d in the sounds of summer or whatever the fuck i have no idea but um i will say dude that uh i will be in grand prairie texas fuck yeah yeehaw dude we throw out yeehaws at grand prairie texas and that's going to be in dallas well it's a dallas play and i say that because i don't know i mean i'm sure if you live in dallas you know about grand prairie texas but i don't so i say it's a dallas play uh i'm playing the Texas Trust CU Theater. Too many words in that, huh? But I'm doing that August 26th. So go to crystalia.com to get tickets. And then I'm going to be in Wichita, Kansas for some reason at the Orpheum Theater the day after

crystalia.com for tickets. And then I'm going to be in Atlanta, Georgia, and I'm going to be in Washington, DC in September, Stockton, California, Oakland, California, September 23rd and 24th. And then October I have Peoria, Illinois and Rockford, Illinois. And then I have Raleigh, North Carolina, and then I have Savannah, Georgia. And then in November I have, uh, sorry, almost said in November, I have December, which is absolutely fucking idiotic, but I have December, Colorado, November 5th, chrysalia.com. And then Cheyenne, Wyoming, I'm going the next day, November 6th. And then Boston, Massachusetts, you know,

the Boston babies come out for your boys. So he added another show, Boston, Massachusetts at the Wang Theater. And then he's going to Lakeland, Florida for some reason, and Jacksonville for some reason, December 2nd and December 3rd, chrysalia.com. So come on out and do the show and come to the show and wear the merch, chrislea.com for merch. You know what's up. Drinking LaCroix. Somebody asked me about a comedian, a Filipino comedian. I said, it's Joe Coy. And then they said, Joe LaCroix.

And I said, nope. And that was honestly funny for like fucking one hour. But Joe LaCroix. So what's up, dude? Chilling. Absolutely chilling. I have spent all day not feeling funny and not being sure if I could do this podcast. But your boy has a job.

You know what your boy has? Yerk, which is what Calvin saysvin says so gotta go to yerk where's dada going yerk and every night i say hey buddy you know where dada's going and he says yerk and then he leans in he's playing with the toys and he leans in because he could for a kiss and i give him a kiss and i say see ya and he says bye bye dada and it warms my heart um so yeah so it's a little bit more like in that times it's a little bit more like hello lightness my old friend but um yeah and not so much darkness but that's what's up um so yeah life's been okay you know we've been having a good time um i gotta be honest man uh

i put up a story the other day on my instagram about how my ocd was just fucking killing me and i don't normally post stuff like that. Uh, because I, you know, I don't, I don't know if social media is supposed to be for, you know, emoting so much, but I know a lot of people do it and they feel it and it's good for them and it's their, it's their brand and it's not really mine. Uh, cause I just kind of come on here and bullshit and I do jokey stuff and I talk about like fucking Hugh Jackman. Because I just kind of come on here and bullshit and I do jokey stuff and I talk about like fucking Hugh Jackman. But like, you know, I was really, I was taken aback by how many people were struggling with that as well.

I basically, I couldn't leave the house. I couldn't get out. I was just stuck in a loop. And I don't know if you know how serious, you know, I make light of it a lot. But like, I really have a fucking pretty hard case of OCD. And sometimes it's fucking real tough. And I was just stuck, dude. I was stuck in my house and I couldn't leave.

I couldn't move. And my anxiety was just fucking killing me. I was stuck in my house and I couldn't leave. I couldn't move. And my anxiety was just fucking killing me. It was getting the best of me. And it was anxiety and OCD and I was fucking, I was just, I think I had therapy earlier and I was just really, really, really just struggling. And I finally got out of the house at like three, which is so late for me, man. And it was so fucking hard. Um, and I was just fucked up all day. Uh, and I just,

I was just taken aback by how many people reached out and said, like, I, I really appreciate you sharing this because it's a struggle too. It's nice to know that like you suffer from this. I mean, not, not, not as nice to know that anybody suffers from it but like that like they're not alone i guess um but yeah man you know i think that sometimes it's weird because the internet like looks at people i don't mean to get so fucking usually i like to start with some fucking funny shit but like it's weird to see that like some people like on the internet especially like celebrities you know you see them getting dragged for all sorts of shit and like just people think that their lives are amazing like i look at like guys like the rock or

whoever um and i just wonder what their life is really like because, you know, he's a person and I know it's go, go, go, but all it takes is like a certain moment to just realize, oh shit, man, I've been really going too hard or really been not taking care of myself and my mental. And, uh, I think that that's important. You know, sometimes you coast through therapy or sometimes like I go to my meetings and I like, I don't know, I feel like I'm on autopilot or something, but like, I don't know, it just hit me that I was not like taking care of myself and I just had a fucking rough few days, man.

I went on stage and I kind of tried to get through it. I thought it would get better. And, you know, it's up and down, but I just want people to know that, like, I'm, I know that, like, you're coming to me for, like, humor and shit. And I said I wasn't feeling funny today. I just really appreciate you guys listening because, like, and I feel like, you know, since the response from my post, which I don't normally share. I mean, I even had, like, some, like, like celebrities reach out and they were like, oh, you know, yeah, I suffer from the same thing. And it was just like, wow, you know, it was nice for me to know that I'm not alone, you

know, because I think sometimes people look at people who have 2 million followers and they're like, that guy knows what the fuck life's all about. And it's just like, it's a constant fucking thing where you're trying to figure out and you're trying to grow and you're trying to understand yourself and how you're uh managing your life and it's not perfect and it's fucking messy and um so you know um yeah you're not alone dude i i my ocd was fucking killing me man like fuck i don't even like thinking about it but it was a fucking struggle um you get stuck in like a loop and i don't even want to like get out it's hard for me to even leave a room because i leave a room and i

get terrified like dude i leave a room and i get fucking terrified that I left the room the wrong way or something. Or like I left something in a wrong way and somebody's going to die or get cancer or some shit or whatever the fuck, man. Something's going to happen to my family. And it's fucking so weird. Fuck. You ever see that fucking movie with Hugh Jackman with the robots? Where he's just like fucking, what's that robot fucking thing where they're punching fucking heads and shit? What is it called?

Real deal, dude? Real steel? Fuck was that fucking Hugh Jackman gonna be making that movie and I'm fucking trapped in my fucking bedroom he's gonna be making real steel while I'm fucking thinking about how my whole family's getting cancer when I turn on the goddamn shower fuck off he's gonna make real steel Yeah, what's it about, robots? All right, well, let's make it. Is Crystalia stuck in a room? All right, and action.

Fucking being ripped is shit. Just so ripped on fucking tea. All right, I've only eaten meat and fucking lettuce wraps. Just get off the set of Wolverine. Let's make a movie with robots. Hold on, I need to check something. Is Crystal Leia trapped in a fucking room? Because he can't leave without thinking his family's going to die in an airplane?

Yeah, right. And action. So, don't think I'm going to be all fucking walls down the whole time and not bring up fucking goddamn hugh jackman and some of his shit-ass movies to fucking even it out baby because we got to even it out dude the walls go down you start with the waterworks while hugh jackman's getting it immediately dude all right and don't think i didn't fucking see whatever that other one was where he trying to with the whip and the fucking hat that like what's his name would wear from the Goran brothers

the fucking one where he's he meets Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde and Frankenstein and all his shits and fucking the fuck's it god damn it Hugh Jackman with the long hair and Kate Beckinsale's in it Kate Beckinsale's in it

Van Helsing dude woo and isn't that a motherfucker because I took two gabapentin today and that's why I forgot Van Helsing dude but whatever dude the walls come down and we make fun of Hugh Jackman and that's how we cope because that is how we cope with humor.

And I realize I just want people to like me, man. You know? Why can't that come from me, right? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You sit and you talk to your therapist and you ask him, why am I like this? You know, it's like that fucking meme with the guy in the mirror where it's like, why are we like this?

That's me, dude. That's me at therapy. Why am I like this you know it's like that fucking meme with the guy in the mirror where it's like why are we like this that's me dude that's me at therapy why am I like this and she's just like well why don't you take me back to day one and I'm just like don't pull that hacky shit with me man oh really my childhood okay really that hacky bullshit so I got to talk about how fucking trauma happens over a long period of time, because I was never fucking fingered, you know, it wasn't one immediate thing that happened, it was just over time, right, so, uh, yeah, uh, yeah, just trying to figure it out, dude, so what I'm trying to say is real steel is fucking terrible, no matter what, no matter what you think, No matter what they think. And most of the time, the feel-good movie of the year is not the feel-good movie of the year. Okay? That's all I'm saying. That's why

I'm saying Top Gun can't be as good as it fucking possibly. Am I even making any sense? Why do you listen, dude? Fucking why am I like this? Why do we listen, my babies? I'll tell you what, I started this podcast because I wanted to talk about fucking bullshit. I want to talk about silly things and that's it. And then you got to know me and whoopsie daisy. Okay, now you know me a little bit and I don't know how to fucking keep doing this podcast. I got to keep talking, right?

I got to keep talking and now you're going to know about all my life and everything and all the fucking stuff going on in my head. But whatever, dude. At least I fucking, you know what I tried to do the other day? I looked at my son. And I often tell my son, I love you, bud. But I often say it like, do you know how much I love you? You know, some shit like that. Do you know how much I love you? You know, some shit like that.

Do you know how much dad, dad loves you? And I was like, you know what, dude, he's two. I'm going to fucking say it like a 40 year old, like a 40 year old telling another motherfucker who's 40. I love you. I'm going to pull no punches. So I walk up to him and I say hey calvin come here and he's playing with like fucking napkin holders or some shit he's got 900 toys he's playing with jingly napkin holders and uh you know or he's playing with that fucking little fish magnet game where

he's trying to do the fish but he's getting real frustrated because he can't do it and then and then kristin told him to just put it on the refrigerator. And now it's just a magnet on the refrigerator. And she was like, it's magic. And now he's like, oh, I'm like, great. Now he believes in it. Okay, good. Now he believes in fucking magic. Good. Now he's going to believe in magic. Dude, you know who also believes in magic? Me. When I turn on the shower, I think my family's going to die in a plane crash. How about that? That's magic. So great. Now we started OCD with Calvin. Now fucking Calvin sitting there is going to be like, where are the portals, mom?

When he's eight. He's going to believe in fucking yizzards. And I say yizzards because that's how he says wizard. So he puts the fucking magnet on the thing. And then she's like, look, magic, dad. Look what I did, magic. And for the first time, he put the fucking thing on the refrigerator. And he she's like, look, magic, dad. Dad, look what I did, magic. And for the first time, he put the fucking thing in the refrigerator.

And he fucking looked at me like, what do you think? Dude, that was cute as shit. So I'm like, I'm going to tell him I love him. I'm going to tell him I love him like a 40-year-old tells another 40-year-old he loves him. And so I look him in the eyes and I said, Calvin, I got to tell you, man, I love you.

I love you. I love you so much. Do you know I love you so much? I love you so much. And I love my job. You know how much dad loves his job when he goes to work? And he said, yeah. And I said, I love you more than that. And it doesn't even compare how much more. That's how much I love you. I would give up anything for you. I love you that much. I love you more than anything in this world.

And you know what he said? He looked at me right in the eyes and he said, I guess I need a raisin and walked away. Is there anything more? Like seriously, think about it any out of any age group is there anything more disrespectful to respond to to that sentence is there anything more disrespectful to not even be first of all ray who the fuck eats raisins, right? Whoever even wants a raisin. Raisins are fucking horseshit.

You know what I mean? Every time I see raisin, when's the last time you ate a raisin? Dude, if you've eaten a raisin in the last fucking, I don't know, 10 years. I mean, I get it. I get it if you're just like in the 90s eating raisins because like you saw a fucking, uh, I get it if you're just like in the 90s eating raisins because like you saw a fucking commercial where people are like running around in fields with sunlight. You know what I mean? I don't know.

Like what's that fucking raisin? It seems like there will be a raisin commercial, but like there's no raisin commercials now anymore, you know? Don't eat raisins. And so like I say, I love you so much. I love you more than anything, more than my job, which by the way, is a step for me because I thought I had to like comedy more than anything to be good at comedy. I thought that up until my family became what's important. I thought that stand up was the goal, but it's not. Fuck all that shit.

Family, right? was the goal but it's not fuck all that shit family right so now this is a step for me and i tell him and i'm already like wow i'm making progress in my life admitting to my two-year-old that hey your dad loves you more than anything and this dude not only does he want to raise he is not even sure he wants the fucking raisin. That's how disrespectful it is. It would be light years more respectful. He was like, you know what? I'm hungry for a raisin. But he was just fucking dilly-dallying, walking around saying, I guess I need a raisin.

The most disrespectful anyone has ever been to me. And I made him. It's like the moment in The Godfather where Al Pacino is just like, don't ask me about my business, Kate. Don't ask me about my business. It's like the end when she's like, I just want to ask one thing. Did you kill him? And he says, you can ask this one time you can ask this

one question what's the question and she's like did you kill him and he looks at her and he says no and you know he did that was my son i guess i need a raisin but i just want to tell you, I love you more than anything. I love you more than my job. I guess I need a raisin. Oh, yeah. I guess I need a raisin.

Oh, boy. You want to tell me you love me more than anything? Oh, yeah. Oh. Isn't that nice? I love Al Pacino, dude. The best. The best because he's the best and the worst, dude.

Al Pacino will make a fucking dopey shit-ass movie, and then he'll go and make some real shitty movie where he's just acting too much in it, and then he'll fucking surprise you and play like Dr. Kevorkian on Showtime, and you're like, whoa, bro, where was this? Oh, yeah, euthanasia. Oh, yeah. Oh, of course I believe in it.

Oh, I know it's against the law, but I think it's right. Isn't that right, clergyman? How many times has he said something like that? Dude, Al Pacino only picks, I said this, but I must have said this before. Al Pacino only picks movies where he could do long monologues that make no sense until the end. He'll play like a fucking movie with his father, with his son. It's a strange.

And he'll be like, it'd be like, dad, you want to play catch? And he'll be like, do you know how they make a Kobe steak? It's not like a regular burger. They take that cow, they get it nice and drunk. They liquor it up. They massage that cow. They get the meat nice and tender. Where's that ball?

What? And the award goes to Al Pacino in Isn't That Right, Clergyman. You know, I wasn't going to take this role, but oh, yeah, I did. Just always getting sucked off, you know. I wasn't going to take this role, but oh, my. Oh, yeah. Ha.

Sorry, I'm busting under the podium. Oh, all in your mouth. Oh, all in your mouth. Oops, all over your face. Ha! Oh, I made a mess. You know after he spunks, he does some crazy shit like that. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I made a mess. Oopsie daisy, call me crazy. And then Moon walks back into the bathroom ha but you didn't know how to do that clergyman what the fuck girl just like last time i hook up with him he's a fucking insane person you know how they make a copy site in the bathroom um anyway dude what was i even oh yeah my son, so that's what's up, I don't know, I went to fucking Jones on 3rd in the, I go to, sometimes I go to Jones on 3rd in the Valley, but I went to the one in the, in Hollywood, because I had to go over and get my contact

lenses, and that's in the, in the, in the, in Hollywood, and I just sat down, and it was, you know, I was having one of those days, it was one of those days I was struggling, and I, and I just sat down and it was, you know, I was having one of those days. It was one of those days I was struggling and I, and I get the fucking club sandwich. You know how I do it. Yeah. Does he ask for cheese?

Yeah, he asks for cheese, dude. Club sandwiches have cheese on them, dude. But he knows that the fucking places don't put cheese on club sandwiches sometimes. So he asked, you know what? Can I have fucking cheddar cheese on the shit? I say, can I get cheese on the sandwich? And then they always say, what kind we have?

And then they say three kinds. And I say, well, cheddar, dude. If you eat a club sandwich with a fucking provolone then you're a communist you know that right so i got the uh you know the club sandwich and boy is it fucking unbelievable dude i mean you eat one bite it's i mean that shit goes quick you just i mean it's good okay all i'm saying is it's good and i get the thing and i sit down and i'm like you know what do, dude, I'm going to sit in the sun because I don't do that, dude, because your boy's a little bit, you know, he's a vampire, but also I'm like, the sun rays are going to make me feel good. Right. That's what I'm going to do because I felt kind of like, you know, cloudy.

And I'm like, I'm just going to sit in the sun and it's going to fucking make me feel good. I'm going to get some vitamin D. So I sit down in the sun, there's shade, but I skipped it. There's, there's, there's places open the shade. I sit next to the shade. I sit in the sun. And then this really old dude comes and sits down next to me. And, uh, he's in the shade and he's, you know, I don't know. I can't tell sometimes if people are 65 or 75, but he was one of those. And he sits down and he puts a bag down and he's chewing something from inside the bag. I assume it's a muffin. Okay. I don't know what it could be, a croissant or a fucking chocolate croissant.

The fuck's with the lights? so I say, uh, so I sit down and he sits down and he picks up his phone and he says, did you get my text? And he said, he does what he says. Did you get my text? Oh yeah. Nah, I'm eating a muffin. Yeah. I'll tell you, you know what? It's unbelievable. And you know what? It was $4.15. It was $4.15. But sometimes, you know, you just got to say, fuck it. You got to just spring for it. And I don't regret it for a second. Yeah.

All right. I'll see you later. That was the conversation. That. That. that was the conversation that that when i tell you that's my goal at 70 i can't even like dude four years ago i wanted to be the best comedian i wanted to be my i wanted to be the best version of my comedian bro if i could just get to the point where i'm fucking, where I text another old dude for sure about my muffin. And then he calls me and then I tell him about the muffin and how I just had to spring for it,

dude. That's it, dude. That's smooth fucking sailing. Bury me six feet deep. That is the peak, dude. That is the peak. And then the guy picked up the phone again, started talking to another friend, and he was like, yeah, so, you know, I did a show at Cantor's last night. And I'm like, Cantor's Deli? I didn't even know Cantor's Deli had a show. I'm like, what's this motherfucker talking about? Can't be comedy. He was like, yeah, they got an open mic. And I'm like, this guy's an open mic comedian at 70 years old and he's eating a muffin that he sprung for and bragging about it sending pics to his old friends dude when i tell you that's the

goal when i tell you that's the goal like dude you look at these motherfuckers like the rock and kevin hart the guys who quote unquote have it all dude i'm stuck in my room with my ocd and this motherfucker's bragging about a muffin when i tell you that's the goal and I was proud that he was doing open mic because I'm a comedian too and here I am struggling with my OCD sad as fuck trying to get some vitamin D and he's just cooling off in the shade you know I want to say maybe I didn't really see myself in them but i was like oh you know what we're all in this fucking together dude we're all in this together right so we're all in this together is what i'm trying to say now that was what happened when i was at Jones on 3rd, the fucking old guy who sat down and started talking about open mic. Now, after that, did somebody say, hey, man, I love your comedy.

And I turned around and I said, oh, thank you very much. And then he said, yeah, man, what's it like out there? And I was like, oh, it's great. And he's like, how was it through the pandemic? And I was like, oh, it's, uh, yeah, it was good. I didn't really do much, you know, because of the pandemic. And I didn't fucking get in there. I don't know if he knows really who I am or

what the fuck or he doesn't recognize my face. And he's like, oh, cool. Yeah. He's like, um, and I say, all right, great man. And then I turn around and then he says, um, you got any shows coming up? And I'm, oh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm always doing shows.

Oh yeah. Where? Uh, yeah. You know, just like pretty much every week, Laugh Factory, Improv, you know, different pretty much every week laugh factory improv you know different places oh yeah yeah yeah so i turn around okay cool yeah great eat my fucking shit with the you know with the cheese in it i got that nice fucking club sandwich and he says what sign are you here we go i'm already in it dude right he lured me in you know what i'm

talking about like he gave me some fucking hi how you do you how you doing conversation some casual shit like we're both in some sweatpants right just chilling hey yeah oh cool and then boom broadsided me with what sign are you now first of all don't ask that no matter what. Okay. You know why? You know why? I'm going to be straight with you because that's it. It's so gonna just fucking be, you want to connect with me. Cool. But don't ask me what sign I am. Do you know, I just happen to know what sign I am. what sign I am. Do you know, I just happen to know what sign I am. I don't really know, except for the reason that people ask me, what's your sign? And a few times in the beginning, I was like, I don't know. When's your birthday? March 29th. Oh, you're an Aries. I say, oh, okay. And they say, what's that? You know what that means? I say, nah. And then they say something

about a Ram or fire. And I'm like, oh, cool. I'm a power ranger. So he says, what sign are you? And I, and I'm already in the conversation, right? And so I say, oh, I'm in Aries. And he says, oh yeah, bro. Uh-huh. And I say, yeah. And he says, yup. I fucking yes. And I was like, cool. And he says, you know, that's just, uh, you ever, you ever look into that stuff? And I say, no, not at all. I don't really know anything about it except for the fact that I'm an Aries. That's really all I know. And he said, bro. And he leaned in and he said, you got to look that stuff up. It's insane. It's crazy how real it is. And when I first crazy how real it is and when i first got into it i was not a believer and now i fucking look at it all the time it's unbelievable it makes so much sense and i go like this

oh shit huh well that's crazy man and i go and i finish my fucking actually no you know what i did i texted kristen i was like hey i'm close by if you want to come by and she fucking saved saved me. And I just went inside and I ate. No disrespect to the dude. Hey, believe what you want. And like I said, we're all in this together. And that old guy is also with you that was asking me what the fuck sign I am. So we're all in this together. So you guys have at it. Ask the guy with the muffin what sign he is, right? So I go in and I sit and I finished the rest of my turkey sandwich and Kristen meets me and we have lunch and it's nice, dude. It's a little day date. And she looked very beautiful and I just took

it all in and it was nice. I got a coffee. I forget where she came from. Like she was probably doing her hair or some shit. I don't remember. And, um, and it was nice, you know, chicks do their hair, bro.

That shit takes forever. They're like, I'm going to get my hair done. Oh, bro. That shit takes forever. They're like, I'm going to get my hair done. Oh, okay. And it's, you know, what do you have? And you're like, I don't know. And they're like, cool. Be back on Thursday.

What? And they come back and it's just like fucking so gorgeous, just popping the fuck out, looking like that dude, the magician on the movie with fucking Steve Carellll and jim carrey um how about the fucking uh the bieber thing jesus christ bieber's just fucking talking out the side of his face now i mean not to be disrespectful i love the i love the i love the guy right he's been good to me i love jose Bieber. But Jesus, man, he had the condition, no, not the condition, the virus in his ear, and it pinched his nerve, and now he can't talk out the side of, half of his face is paralyzed.

And that's like one of those things where it's like, you know, oh, that's a thing? Like, I know about Bell's palsy or whatever the fuck, but, like, you can just get a virus in your ear and then all of a sudden half your face shuts down? And I'm just like, oh, that's a thing I gotta worry about? Not to be self-centered and egotistical, but fucking Justin Bieber's getting it. I mean, I'm definitely getting something.

I mean, this guy's out there crooning to the masses. I'm out here telling dick jokes to 200,000 people online. I mean, he's crooning. And fucking God's just like, let me put a little something in your ear, paralyze half your face. The fuck's he going to do to me? This guy's living his true self, killing it out there with Haley, just having a great time.

Probably going to have kids soon and just living fucking right religious as shit talking about posting about god every other fucking hour on instagram and god's just like you know what let me give you a little fucking thing in your ear and his face shuts down and bieber? Uses this probably to believe in God more. Let me tell you something, dude. If I get a virus in my ear, half my face shuts down. Now, I don't know if there's God or not, but if that happens to me, there's no God for sure. That's where my brain goes. You know how people are like, especially like old black men, this is a test, you know?

This is a test from Jesus Christ. And you're just like, oh, oh, that's why you got shot by a fucking, you know, crossbow by mistake? It's a test from Jesus. And you're like, uh-uh. The second I get fucking, or like stung by a sting, or whatever the fuck, a jellyfish, or, you know, and I got a, my leg gets lopped off. Oh, that's me. That's me in my head confirming there's no God. That's it. A shark attack. People come out with one arm. Well,

you know what? It made me stronger. And now I know there's Jesus. Yo, you lop my arm off. The first thing I'm saying was thought so so, knew it. I knew it. I knew he was fake. My parents should have told me when they told me Santa wasn't real. Oh, also, Jesus. Bro. Justin Bieber is a better man than me, right? This guy's like, I will get through it.

And he will. It's curable. They don't know how long it takes. Oh, dude, It's curable. They don't know how long it takes. Oh, dude, that's another thing. They don't know the timeline. Fuck all that, dude. Hey, doc, give me a timeline. Oh, sorry, Mr. D'Elia.

Half your face is paralyzed. And me? Hey, well, when's it going to get better? Well, we don't know. These things. Yo, yo, yo. Hey, doc, I want you to lean in a little bit closer to my good side. What's the timeline?

Give me one. I have to manually shut my eye to blink. Uh, three months. That's what I thought. Do you believe in God? Fuck that. I'm an evil villain if that happens. Justin Bieber is going to become a better person.

You got to forge through the fire, right? You got to do that. You really do though, you know? You really do. It's hard because, you know, it's easy to get beat up in life and let it fucking, you know, be the victim and shit. But, you know, when I'm sitting there stuck in a room, I can't let my OCD win. Right. So I went out and I got that motherfucking coffee and caffeinated it all up and

talked to a fucking, and, and heard a guy on a phone talk about a muffin and then got bothered by a guy. It's just life. Dude got bothered by a guy with the fucking, ask me what sign I am. That's just life, baby.

And it's good. We're all in this together, man. You know? Hmm. It's interesting. It's also hot as shit in here. That's great.

I love when it's hot as shit. Great. Fuck yeah. Sweating. Awesome. That's fucking huge news, dude. Fucking so sweaty. My armpits are fucking,

I need to hold buckets under it. That's fucking huge news, dude. Yes. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Let's watch this one fucking thing that came out. Classic 90s. The Kid's Guide to the Internet.

Dude, I've never seen this before and I can't believe it. It's from This Is My Tech. Well, that's what posted it on. That's who posted it on YouTube. Here we go. Hey there, it's a- Nothing more 90s than that one second, dude. Ha ha ha ha ha!

A fucking recorder. Bloop bloop. Hey guys. She's got a mock turtleneck on. Eh? Sir? 90s You on a razor scooter? What's your favorite show, Friends?

Again, this is my brother Peter Mom and dad That's me, that's literally just how I look Jesus Christ, dude I literally look like that kid right there Unbelievable Wore the same shit Baggiest shit jeans, dude. I literally look like that kid right there. Unbelievable. Wore the same shit. Baggiest shit jeans, dude.

That's me, bro. That's what they want you to think. That's you. Because they want you to relate to it. Well, guess what? Fucking kid's guide to the internet. You did it. We're going to be showing our friends, Andrew and Lisa, the basics of the internet. And we thought you might want to come along. It'll be cool. Now here's a little background.

When we installed the internet access on our computer, I got the whole family involved. It's true. Everybody had their own tasks to do. It was a lot of work, but it was really worth it. Wow, I mean, you know, it was a lot of work, but I was really worth it. What just happened? Did you make a noise? Oh, no, I didn't hear it.

Well, it was a lot of work, but it was really worth it. Not a lot of work, you know? You hit on. is that it right now that i've gotten on the internet i'd rather be on my computer than doing just about anything it's really i mean they act like that's a good thing dude wow in the 90s that was the shit oh good he's gonna get a lot of work done fucking closes the door be be out, be out after dinner, fucking just spanking off to some fucking, just figuring it out, just online, figuring it out, you know, just fucking out, just in, in his dad's office, just spanking, just figuring it out, you know, just figuring out everything,

all the emotion, exploring, and I don't mean the fucking World Wide Web. Just fucking, yeah, I'll be right out. Dude, whenever the internet happened in the beginning, I would fucking, first of all, I aimed it up. AIM, dude, AlleyCats27 or whatever the fuck my username was. And I would just go in chat rooms. What's up? I'm out. Ha ha. Anyone like cars? I'm out. Haha.

Anyone like cars? I'm out. Bah. Sup? Who's your favorite Ninja Turtle? Bam. Leave before they even answer, dude. I don't give a fuck.

What's Alley Cat 27 going to say? Who gives a shit? What you going to say? Raphael? I'm out already. Cuckoo. Age, sex, location? Just pop in one room.

Got a boner. Leave. Do you know what I mean? Anyone out there looking for some fun? Bam. Leave before the fucking 50-year-old man replies yes. Bro, I'm out, you know? But I would do the fucking internet, and then I would do my mom. Every time, it was unbelievable.

She would ask me how to do the internet, and would sign her on to AOL And it would fucking Bang Welcome, you've got mail And then she'd be like, thanks And I'd be like, so that's your mail And then, okay, cool And then how do I, okay And then how do I, okay And then this, and then, okay

And no, it's in the icon, just drag it over Okay, you got it? Yeah, I'd leave. And then this, and then, okay. And there's no, it's in the icon. Just drag it over. Okay. You got it? Yeah. I'd leave. Every time I left, I walked down the hallway. I'd think, oh shit, Christopher. Bro, when I say my blood boiled, because I know it was overdramatic and didn't, and she didn't need to be doing that.

Now, of course, did that create deeper issues for me? Yes. Okay. But I would be like, mom, it's fine. I walked back in. What did I do? Okay. So what did I do? So, mom, it's fine. I walked back in. What did I do? Okay. So what did I do?

Look, you just minimized it. That's all you did. All you got to do is click out over here. Okay. That's it. She minimized it, dude.

If moms weren't minimizing pages, what else the fuck were they doing in the nineties by mistake? Oh, shit. Christopher. Oh, what did I do from the other room? And me just,

God damn motherfucker. Okay. coming. Can you leave so I can fucking figure it out? And I don't mean the World Wide Web. I remember one time my friend came over, Tim Chung. And by the way, I mentioned Tim Chung one time in this podcast before. And Tim Chung hit me up.

No, actually, I saw him on a 20-year reunion in my high school. And he was like, hey, man, did you mention me on your podcast one time? I said, oh, yeah, I think so. And he said, dude, everyone been hitting me up. I'm like, whoa, dude, that's the babies going out of, man. Hell, yeah. I hadn't talked to Tim in a long time. Anyway, Tim tim he was really

good basketball really short asian guy really good basketball player in high school he was super jealous of that but he um what fucking story was i gonna say oh yeah he came over and i was showing him like my fucking my porns on the fucking aol right and i remember the the he was like uh oh man that's not good you should you should you should delete these and i was like yeah no i don't know and he was like yeah but but you know it's bad because like we should be like living for jesus christ and i was like yeah i know but you know tits you know he was like no i know he was like well let's delete them so i deleted a bunch of them and then the last

one i remember was like one that i really liked it was a picture of a fucking of a of a lady just open just fucking open for business dude like it was just a lady just fucking straight up just basically a fucking deli at noon just open his shit just fucking tits out nothing on but a fucking nurses cap just nothing the sexiest thing to do is to cover something that you don't even think of during sex like the top of your head and everything else just fucking straight up a deli at noon

just welcome right just open the fuck up right just fried butterfly just freed up you know i mean and he and i and he says oh man and i said yeah this is my favorite one and he says we got to delete it and i was like oh but i don't know it's like my favorite one and he's like come on let's do it for jesus and i go you're right and the next thing i heard was Come on, let's do it for Jesus. And I go, you're right. And the next thing I heard was... And you got to do it again.

You know, you got to go... Otherwise, it's still in the trash. Fuck, man. She was open like a deli at noon, wasn't she? All right. And then Tim left, and then a week later, I downloaded a whole bunch of more pictures of horns. But whatever, dude. For Jesus horns but whatever dude for Jesus Christ you know Jesus Christ I needed to figure it out and I'm not talking about the fucking worldwide web I'm talking about myself dude you need to see what

happened with that old fucking bracket gave us a whole world of exciting new possibilities. So I guess this is a story of how it changed our lives. Maybe it will yours too. I mean, this kid grew up to be a fucking mass murderer. Just, and now I can't even get offline no matter what. It's really great. All I do is watch nature killing nature. I saw a video of a bear eating a yak the other day, and the yak couldn't have been more than three months old.

All I do is look at the computer. I really, the only, the only Instagram handle I subscribe to is nature is metal. To the internet. Take a spin. Now you're in with the techno set. You're going surfing on the internet. I didn't know that was coming.

Man. That was the most jingliest jingle of all time dude i mean jesus christ that makes bada bop baya seem like a song from brian mcknight on fucking real dude that makes the fucking men men men men men men men. Looks like it's written by fucking Bach. Are you shitting me? That was the most jingly ass jingle I've ever heard. Take a spin. What the fuck did it say?

The most 90s shit of all time. Here we go, dude. Take a spin on the internet. Unreal, dude. Here we go. Grew up through a mass murder. It's really cool. The internet gave us a whole world of exciting new possibilities. So I guess this is a story of how it changed our lives. Grew up through a mass murder. Maybe it will yours too.

He's on C-No Evil. There's a special of him on C-No Evil. Take a spin. Now you're in with the techno set. You're going surfing on the internet. You're going surfing on the internet. Dude, unbelievable, dude That is unbelievable

Oh my god, that's the song I want to walk down to When I'm getting married Oh my god, dude That's what I'm getting done Dude, Chris is going to come down like fucking Dun, dun, dun, dun Dun, dun, dun, dun Not fucking me, dude

This is how I'm coming down You're going to see me walking down Fuck that, I'm, dude. This is how I'm coming down. You're going to see me walking down with my... Fuck that. I'm not even going with my mom. I'm walking down by myself. That's it. I'm walking down. I go, oh, here he comes.

They go, oh, did he shave or did he keep a five o'clock shadow? And then... Take a spin. Now you're in with the techno set. You're going surfing on the internet. And then pointing to the fucking guy and being like, I do. You're going surfing on the internet? Wow, the most 90s shit I've ever seen in my life, dude.

George Hamilton looked at that video and fucking fainted. That's how 90s it is. Fucking InXS saw that and they go, we got to give up music. That's how fucking 90s it is. I swear to God. Duran Duran saw that. All four of them shit themselves. That's how 90s it was.

That's 80s. But no, honestly, insane, dude. The Ninja Turtles goes, you know what? Not Cowabunga. That's what they did. It's the most 90s shit I've ever seen in my life. As Rich told you, we installed the internet on our computer. Nothing more 90s than a guy named Rich, too.

This is all unbelievable, dude. A short time ago, and I haven't been able to get the kids off it ever since. Not only do they play the typical computer games that all the kids enjoy, but their curiosity for learning has skyrocketed. Peter is constantly quoting sports statistics, and he can tell you the best surfing spots around the globe. Not to mention the improvement in Pugh's grade. So basically you just made him Rain Man?

Peter can tell you any statistic in baseball and where the best surfing spots are. And he's just like, Malibu. Frank Thomas had a 420 slugging percentage in 1990. Last year.

Ken Griffey Jr. had a fucking 320 slugging percentage last year. Surfing on the internet. And Dosh is too. Having the internet in our home has had a great impact on our lives. Rich keeps up with the stock market and our investments.

And I'm able to pay the bills in half the time it used to take me. And the kids are improving in their grades and communication skills. Which makes me happy as I would sure like them to go to college someday. Oh, dude! You gotta be fucking shitting me, Rich! Which makes me happy, because I would sure like for them to go to college one day.

Dude, college existed before fucking AOL. They could have still gone, dude. My son's gonna to be a regular Doogie Howser. Dude, that's how it should have been. The Doogie Howser theme song should have been me doing doodly-yoot-noo-doo, rum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum. Dude, that's how it should have been. The Doogie Howser theme song should have been me doing that,

not fucking the fucking stupid chimey shit. Dude, Neil Patrick Harris, huh? How about a fucking career that motherfucker had? That guy just never stopped working. Hey, how'd Doogie Howser wind up in The Matrix? How'd he hop? How'd he hop? hey how doogie howser wind up in the matrix how to hop how to hop just fucking i know kung fu

and they were just like dude we're gonna make the sequel you know what i'm thinking what Dun, dun, dun. Brang, gang, gang, gang. Brang, gang, gang, gang. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Rum, bum, bum, bum. Hum, pum. Sir, what's wrong? Sorry, that's just the Doogie Howser theme song. Execs in the fucking. God, could you imagine if you had a meeting like that and you did that?

Fuck, that'd be amazing. Well, guys, you know who I'm thinking for the new Mr. Smith? Agent Smith? Who? Do, do, do, do. Well, guys, you know who I'm thinking for the new Mr. Smith? Agent Smith? Who? Root-a-loo-doo-doo-dood. Be-nee-doo-doo-nee-doo. Fuck yeah, dude. And I like that because I sure would like my kid to go to college one day.

Fucking like college was just invented in the 90s. Like BYU wasn't made whenever the fuck john smith or justice this is in the middle of the video wow now we need to open our browser what's a browser fuck off it's an application that allows you to access all of the different information on the internet microsoft Internet Explorer came with our computer, but you can download it by typing www.microsoft.com. Wow, how much did that kid get, HIV, when he turned 40? It's unbelievable, dude.

I love it. Ba-da-ba-bye, that fucking jingle, dude. Unbelievable. Quick, the Germans are cramming. Jingle, dude. Unbelievable. Quick, the Germans are cramming. And everybody goes, oh. One line. One goddamn.

Who got this guy? Who brought this? Michael Caine on teaching acting in film. How cocky could it be acting michael kane on acting in film here we go acting in film is the most cocksucker way to say that we're going to talk for a little while about film acting which i've done a little bit which i've done don't know if you know me. I'm in 900 movies. And the first thing that will happen to the audience is of course

for the rest of the day they will be completely ignored because you don't exist. So fucking dick the whole thing. Don't know if you know

but of course we know I've done of course he's done it film acting which i've done we're going to talk for a little while about film acting which i've done i mean we know how do you know i've done it because you've done 950 movies and you always say i'll do it a little bit and the first thing that will happen to the audience is, of course, for the rest of the day, they will be completely ignored. Because you don't exist. My fellow actors and I can regard you as the crew. And once you're in front of that camera, nobody exists.

How much is it mildly racist? Nobody. Except the other person. You're all blacks. In the scene. And what we do, we actors who are in the movie, we hang on to each other's eyes.

Oh, God damn, dude. You know, just the fucking, just say the lines, right? How about that? I mean, it's, you know, it's like the acting, they make it so hard because it's not hard and they have to.

Otherwise, they'll realize they're pieces of shit, you know? Like, there's guys out there literally building houses so people won't die from the cold. And these guys are actors that are just like, hung on to their eyes. And these guys are actors that are just like, hung on to their eyes. I mean, imagine a fucking construction worker just like, working to make fucking $9 an hour. Listening to Michael Caine.

You don't exist. No matter what, you don't exist. It's the most important thing in film. Eyes. Eyes. If you're fair and you've got blonde eyelashes like I have, you wear mascara. Because if you have blonde eyelashes and you're in a movie,

you might as well be in a radio play. No, I like that. In the cinema, it's a very, very infinitesimal space you have in which to work. It's crazy how actors fucking how important they are dude it's crazy how important they are it's crazy how people fucking you know i don't know i mean dude i was in fucking stuff and like i you know i get it but

it's like just saying the lines dude just relax bro just relax sometimes i would be looking at the other actors and they'd be fucking saying things to me and literally i'm thinking about burgers i don't give a fuck i got secrets in my head you know what i mean i got fucking secrets in my head dude that i'm thinking of i'm not even thinking of this scene i already know the lines dude say whatever you got to say so i could do my shit say we got to say and so i could respond dude i really enjoy you guys i kind of want to watch a little bit more of that fucking 90s thing. I don't know, just fucking hang a little bit longer.

Just hang a little bit longer. It's fun, dude. I was going to watch this anyway, so I might as well watch it with you guys. Let's just skip ahead a little bit. The music, dude. Let's go back to the Hooligans homepage and find a game. Oh, my. Fuck yeah, dude.

The most surfing music. And they're surfing the net. Activity pages, Battleship, Fruit Game, Webcube, Tic-Tac-Toe, name that tune. They sure have a lot of them. Too bad we don't have time to play them. You're right, Dasha, but the tour was awesome. I can't believe how easy it is to surf the net. Oh, dude!

So let's review a few of the concepts we've been working on, just to make sure I understand them. First, we need to get an ISP, or Internet Service Provider. It connects you to the net through high-speed lines. Then, I download our... Wow, dude. Look at this shit. First of all, this video is fucking 30 minutes. Hi, you're done after 5.

You're done after 5, dude. Oh, here's another one. The Family Guide to Computers. We'd like to share with you. Oh, same one, dude. Wow. Oh, my God. How to send an email. With the assistance of the outside broadcast unit,

we will be linking from the database studio to their home. Pat Green and Julian, welcome to Database. Hello, Jane. Hello, Jane. Here we go. Guess if she has puppy sleeves or not. Hello, Jane. Hello, Jane. So fucking uncomfortable. Yes, well, it's very simple, really. Jane hasn't fucking blinked, dude. She's like this.

And the guy, it's very simple, really. Oh, my God, this is amazing, dude. The telephone is connected to the telephone network with a British Telecom plug, and I simply remove the telephone jack from the Telecom socket and plug it into this box here, the modem. I then take another wire from the modem and plug it in where the telephone was.

I can then switch on the modem, and we're ready to go. So nervous. So nervous, dude. If you did ask me if I want to switch on the modem, and we're ready to go. So nervous. So nervous, dude. Jane hasn't moved. And it's now telling me to phone up the main Press Hill computer. So nervous, this guy. Which I will now do.

There's a very simple connection to make. So nervous, dude! Jane, would you like to move? Have you deceased? Extremely simple. Oh, well. And I can actually leave the modem plugged in once it's done that

without affecting the telephone. I'm now waiting for the computer to answer me. Oh, I'm so nervous, dude! I'm now waiting for the computer to answer me. I'm so nervous, dude. I'm now switching the phone. I'm now waiting for the computer to answer me. Somebody has his family at home at gunpoint. Unbelievable. And then I just flick a switch on the modem

and replace the receiver. So difficult. And things are starting to happen. Things are starting to happen. Oh, so general. The press-up computer is now asking me to enter my own personal password. So worried everyone's going to see it. Which I have now done.

Jane hasn't moved. And it comes up. Why is Jane closer to the computer? He's reaching over. Dude, Jane's so close to the computer and he's reaching over. And Jane's just like, dude. An opening screen. So nervous.

And Julian, can you tell me what is Micronet? Well, Micronet basically is. Have you ever heard a more nervous person in the world? Well, the thing is Micronet. I have to get home to my family. The Micronet is. I sure hope my daughter to my family. The Micronet is... I hope I don't let my son know I'm okay. I, um...

I'll write some note. I need to put the deposit into the mailbox. I, um... Of Prestel, that's specially designed for microcomputer users. It has a lot of facilities. It has a magazine-type page of what's new today, the daily news, reviews of the current software that's available.

There's a letters page that people can write in. How is somebody so nervous, dude? How is somebody not understand that he's acting so nervous, even if he's not nervous? Pointing and swallowing at something is the most nervous bitch shit you could do um

you can load using his middle finger to point on believe phone line some of them are free some of them you do have to pay for now pat whose computer is it well it's a cooperative really we all have but Julian and I mainly use it. I mean so shady. Julian and I mainly use it for things that are pure only. And why did you buy a computer? What did she just say? Where the fuck do you get off? Very interested in the new technology and didn't want to be left behind.

I don't think it's only for the youngsters at school now. I think us older ones will have to learn a lot about it. And what do you use the computer for? Well, for keeping household records, such as what I have in the freezer. You got to be fucking kidding me dude what do you use a computer for household records like things i have in the freezer dude that was something she said people's telephone numbers and addresses um i use it as a word processor for my letters, which always come out perfect now. And the most exciting thing I find is the mailbox where I write to other people on the Pressdale system.

Is there somebody behind the camera with ak-47 saying if you fuck up you die i mean i can't believe these people do it also where did the other guy go and who have you written to recently you got any examples yes i sent a message to my doctor asking for a repeat prescription and um the thing is i'm schizophrenic i often see people that aren't there he's left the prescription is, I'm schizophrenic. I often see people that aren't there. He's left the prescription for me in the chemist.

Right. Well, thank you very much, Pat and Julian. We'll be seeing you later in the program. Bye, Jane. If you have anything you want to say to us,

the fucking way they cut off. Bro, that is so British. I can't even believe it. Wow, that's unbelievable. What a fucking happy accident finding that out. Wow. The database, dude. Well, guys, that's the. What a fucking happy accident finding that. Wow. The database, dude.

Well, guys, that's the end of the episode on YouTube. If you want the rest of the episode, the extended episode, go to patreon.com slash chrisdalia. And boy, is it a fucking doozy today. So go over patreon.com slash chrisdalia and sign up. You're going to also get all of the backlogged free. We do an episode, an extra episode every month on Patreon. You can watch all those. And just it's a fun time.

We've got a Discord. We chat. We have a good time. Get on the Patreon. Patreon.com. Thanks. Thanks. I mean, the most 90s thing of all time. Bam, bam, bam.

Hey there.