Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 26. 7HRIS

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

It is the 26th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about when people run backwards on the treadmill at the gym. Also discussed: poutine, Comic Con, Drax cosplay, blonde boyfriends, blocking people on twitter, sound effects in rap, Michael Phelps v. shark, OJ getting out, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter (some really good ones this week!). Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the real babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply yeah so hit the ground running uh episode 26 you know and we're doing it uh right now this is congratulations now uh i you know i don't know man sometimes you're gonna start fucking just chilling like it's a conversation sometimes you're gonna start out with a bang sometimes you're gonna just start out and it's gonna start out slow sometimes it's to start out you know i mean this is just how it's going to go wearing white shoes pissed off how dirty they are that's cool dude um when you wear white shoes you try to keep them clean

doesn't happen bothers me um but guys listen uh so i gotta got to start off this episode by saying we got new merch for the podcast, and it's on my website, crystalia.com. Click around, hit store on that front page, and you could represent the podcast. But, man, these shirts are selling. Like, we sold a lot of these shirts, and they're going to be gone. selling like we sold a lot of these shirts and they're going to be gone so get out there and get your fucking congratulations t-shirt or your shirt with the congratulations artwork or the fucking coveted sfreakunch shirt with the um american flag very cool um you don't get the easy kudos but uh we're also start getting some new designs and some new shirts coming up soon so check that out uh and um let me read off some dates where i'm gonna be soon before you

before we get into this um episode full force full throttle uh we're less echoey too because we got more fucking um what do you call them? You know what I'm talking about. More of those egg crate things, those soundproof things. So here is where I'm going to be coming up. That's gone. Okay, well, so let me tell my producer, the Austin one you didn't get rid of and the Albuquerque one you didn't get rid of. Now, we know what that means.

One fire. One fire him because he didn't do it right. we know what that means one fire one fire him but uh because he didn't do it right but Montreal's coming up on like Thursday and Nashville we're gonna do the weekend there and also um adding shows I believe Hollywood California I'm doing August 19th at the Improv on Melrose. Two shows. Salt Lake City, Utah. Come out and see me, Mormons. You fucking the butt? Come out and see me.

You virgin, but you still fucking the butt? Come out and see me. Sounds pretty predatorial, but it's not. I heard that Mormons, you know, sometimes I like to stay virgins, but still fucked in the butt. Uh, Phoenix, Arizona. Pretty cool. Tempe, Arizona. It's going to be too high.

Uh, New Brunswick, New Jersey. For some reason, I'm going to be there. I'm from New Jersey. So come on out. Spokane, Washington. Why am I going to be there? You live there? Who are you?

Charlotte, North Carolina. Irvine, California. Melbourne, Washington. Why am I going to be there? You live there? Who are you? Charlotte, North Carolina. Irvine, California. Melbourne, Australia. In Sydney, Australia. And possibly other dates in Australia. So that's what is up. Go get your shirts. Go get the tickets on my website.

And, um, that's what's up. I don't know. Uh, let's see. So, uh,

I, um, been chilling. I've been in LA. Let's see. I've been in LA because I was in uh uh well actually i'm excited to go do let's talk about this i'm excited to go do the montreal just for last festival i'm gonna do my own show on thursday um every comedian loves going it's the biggest comedy

festival in the world and it's my it's great every comedian is like so fucking happy and so excited to get there and hang out with the other comedians but uh i think i'm i love the festival but i think i i am the guy who everyone's like let's fucking go we're gonna do it we're cooters and i'm like all right yeah let's go and then i get there and it's just like everybody's there that we see in la anyway so and then also um like people are like you want to hop on different shows do it come on let's hop on the show you want to be and you get there and the guy with with the laminate is like you want to do you want to get on the show it's hudson and friends or the fuck it's called you know i don't know who it is but and you're like ah what is it where is it and they're like ah it's a 15 minute ride away and you didn't do six minutes i don't want to do that because i don't want to drive so far to do a six minute set it's very ob it's very ob because i'm

going to do an hour on thursday i'm going to do a tv tape taping for canada even though but you do these tv tapings for canada nobody sees it less people see it than when you do though you do these TV tapings for Canada, nobody sees it. Less people see it than when you do it live. What's Canadian TV? What's Canadian TV? What do you have? What are you watching? I feel like it's just prank shows

and Frasier. Hey, Canadian TV. It's prank shows with loud laugh tracks outside prank shows where somebody laugh tracks outside prank shows where somebody like stands up with a big cell phone and is like hello and then it's like and then it goes Canada and that's how they say it because it's French as shit

now I don't mean to be uh i don't mean to be prejudiced but it's french as shit i like to play a game when i go to montreal is who's the most french guy dude and it's so funny to look at people's faces and think that that guy's the most french guy in the world because also sometimes they are, sometimes they're not. But when I look at them, they turn French in my mind. Like a French guy looks a little bit different than a white guy. It's like the difference between what a white racist would say between a Korean and a Japanese person, because you can't tell diff.

Can't tell diff, because, you know, Japanese people are way more Japanese looking you know but um yeah so I'm going to do the festival and um chill out for about three days try to do as least amount of shows as I possibly can um Canada is just cool as a whole I can always tell when somebody's from Canada though I can always tell when somebody's from Canada, though. I can always tell when somebody's from Toronto, too, specifically. People love to talk about poutine. You get there and they're like, hey, did you try the poutine?

Hey, you know what it is? Fries and gravy. Tried them both. Could imagine how it tastes. Hey, have you tried poutine? Oh, no. Oh, you're missing out. What is it?

Fries and gravy ah i can imagine that know why eating gravy so many times and eating fries millions of times eat fries ed day eat gravy smut so let me ask a question why do i have to goddamn try it you know it's like wearing pants all the time or a shirt all the time. And people are like, dude, you ever put on all the outfit? Oh, what is it? Ah, you put on a fucking shirt and a pants at the same time. Imagine. Ah, it's an outfit. I feel it, dude. I can taste it. And I've had poutine. Guess what it tastes like? Fries and gravy. Guess what it tastes like? Fries and gravy.

This is what it tastes like. Fries grave. Poutine also is one of those things that looks like diarrhea even before you eat it. Hey, is it going in my mouth or is it coming out my asshole? Can't tell either way. It goes in, comes out, same way. Know why? Because it's brown and it's messy. it's got cheese on it and shit now

people are going to tweet me and be like no there's different ways to eat poutine now that's interesting hey i fuck you this oh this oh really it fuck you people be like nah you can get cheese on it you can get fucking different cheeses you get fucking know, different fucking things on it. What can you put on poutine? Poutine, we got the Apple TV set up and now I'm trying to get my producer to Google what you can put on poutine. But you can put on 38 poutine dishes that will knock your Canadian socks off. Hey, that's literally the most Canadian headline of all time. You don't have to say Canadian in it. It's Dundon.

You're being Dundon. Cheesy lobster poutine. Candy poutine. Cheeseburger poutine with pickles. Shredded jerk chicken poutine cheeseburger poutine with pickles shredded jerk chicken poutine uh foie gras poutine grilled cheese sandwich have that uh sweet potato poutine sure that one's the works okay that one looks fucking good though gnocchi poutine with short rib ragu and gremolata what are those words they're just making up words now pookie poutine with short rib ragu and gremolata. What are those words? They're just making up words now.

Pookie poutine, poochie the pootie doots. Oh, dude, have you tried doody poutine? Deep fried poutine bites. I love, why do they always do? Oh, the notorious PIG poutine. Bye. They say, because if you don't know now, you know. Yeah, but just fucking, you know, chill out with the poutine. I think they're like the dumbest dishes.

You know, I'm not a foodie. Would never call myself a foodie because gunk. Um, best, the, the, when people makes me mad, how much people think like, but never would I ever get soup. Soup is a drink. Okay. Hey dude, put it in a cup. Dude, gazpacho is a cold drink. Oh dude, you got the

alright so soup oh oh it's a fucking lobster bisque put in a cup oh it's hot then guess what it is tea

now let me ask a question you got the nerve now let me ask a question you got the nerve to make it cold do you have the nerve to make it cold? Do you have the nerve to make soup cold and call it gazpacho? Hmm.

It's a drink. You know what I'll do with it? Put it in a cup. I got an idea. Put it in my sports bottle. I'll drink it after I work out. Gazpacho? Nah.

Drink. Dude, soup? gazpacho nah drink dude soup and there's always some guy that's like no you'd be surprised you you know you can fill up on soup oh yeah you got small belly you're not man you woman soup is nothing put it in a cup drink it that's your that's your liquid drink it when Put it in a cup, drink it. That's your liquid. Drink it when you're eating a burger. Dude, come on, man. Soup? Nah. You know what? We've evolved past it. They used to make soup when there was candles.

That's how they lit their place, with candles and shit. Now that we've got electricity, and you can fucking get chickens everywhere, you don't need to eat soup. You know why? You're not in the fucking 1600s i mean what is that picture of fucking what having this no shut up you know my producer is like he we got apple tv and he always second guesses everything and he's like is this going to be distracting it's not going to be distracting because i'm a human and i can just talk whenever i want to but he put on a fucking picture of mark

zuckerberg eating a goddamn peanut butter and jelly sandwich looks like he's attacking it dude mark zuckerberg man is a robot or what just lost my facebook account but um anyway um yeah so don't eat soup drink it put in a cup dude are you eating it with a spoon take the spoon put it down on a napkin don't use it take the soup pour it in a cup drink it because you're drinking you're not eating when you're eating put it in a plate you're drinking drink it that's literally the most congratulations shit you could possibly say um i uh I don't know. By the way, here's something I want to talk about. And this is just a fucking thing that, um, needs to be known now that technology is advanced and shit like this.

If you ask somebody for a location or like, what's the address or where you're going or what's the person's number or what the fuck ever it is. Put it and you're texting. Put it in a separate text field. Okay. field okay if i say hey where are you and somebody says oh i'm at this address and then types the address in the same text field i gotta do fucking extra work i gotta copy and paste it and then put it in the fucking thing and then delete the part where you fucking said oh i'm at and then i gotta fucking type copy and paste this shit again and put it in the fucking maps and don't fucking talk to me like you could just click on the thing in the thing sometimes you can't okay sometimes you can't or when somebody

puts apartment b in it or some bullshit oh yeah oh cool Let me just click on it. Cause Google's going to direct me where the fucking elevator is. Once I get out of my car, dude, stop. Do you need to spread this knowledge, man? Now this is a first world problem. Don't give shit. Min the first world, dude. It drives me when people do that shit. Oh, it's the worst. Don't make me do the extra work, man. You do it. That is, that is, technology is advanced.

Everybody needs to know that. Cool, sounds good. They say, cool, sounds good. Text me here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no make a separate text field you guys are fucking cooters who do that man it's fucking huge cooters Huge kudos. By the way, how long is Comic-Con? I feel like it's fucking three months. I feel like people are like,

going to Comic-Con, and then I get fucking on with my life, and I'm living and shit, and then people are like, at Comic-Con, and then I keep going and shit, and people are like, oh, it's the last day of Comic-Con, and I'm like,

it's fucking three months later. How big is it? How long is it? Pretty soon, it's just going to get going and shit. And people are like, oh, it's the last day of Comic-Con. And I'm like, it's fucking three months later. How big is it? How long is it? Pretty soon it's going to get bigger and bigger. Dude, when I first went, I was 12 or some shit. And it was a fucking one convention center thing. And there was like Jim Lee signing comics. And nobody was dressed up like anything.

I mean, there were, like, a little bit of fucking big-ass dorks dressed like the shit. Hey, by the way, if you dress up like that, you're a dork, okay? And it's fine, but that's what you are. And if you think you aren't, I mean, well, you know what you can do? You can sit your little Pikachu ass down. You can sit your little fucking guardians of the galaxy oh hey dude did you paint your whole body blue you dork are you part of the blue man group no you have superpowers no thus you dork dude come on man i saw the dorkiest fucking video the other day of Comic-Con. It was a woman dressed up as Wonder Woman.

Heh, dork. And a guy was fucking drawing her on an etch-a-sketch. Hey! A dork literally can't look at that without coming. Hey, is that a wonder woman and if he if he that guy drawing her on net that's good oh i gotta go change my i gotta go change my jinkos i mean dude drawing her on an etch-a-sketch by the way the etch-a-sketch was a mini etch-a-Sketch. By the way, the Etch-a-Sketch was a mini Etch-a-Sketch. It was so small. And guess if that guy who does the Etch-a-Sketch artwork jerks off a lot?

Now, I don't know he does, but I know he does. Now, do I know in a court of law? Could I prove it? No. But if I was a lawyer and I said, and and the case was does this guy jerk off a lot and i brought to the table well he does draw a wonder woman on an etch-a-sketch and they'd be like and then i dropped a huge bomb and i'd be like it's mini order order in the court order order people in the back like he jerks off he jerks off too much

order gung gung gung gung order he jerks off obviously jerks off he jerks off you are sentenced to getting a bigger etch-a-Sketch and not drawing fucking Wonder Woman. Man, I wrote on the thing, can't believe, I don't know who's the bigger dork in this thing. And you know, it's like, unbelievable people will dress up as Drax. Drax. Which one's Drax, the big blue one? Google Drax, because I think Drax, the big blue one, Google Drax, because I think Drax is the big fucking one,

oh no, maybe it's the fucking, yeah, I saw a guy dressed up as Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy, of the Galaxy, said dad, Guardians of Galaxy, so Russian dad, I saw a guy dressed as Drax, Guardians of Galaxy, and I have four kids, and dude dude he was like a fat guy with like a fucking suit on he didn't even do the paint he like got a got like skin tight like uh stocking type shit and he was sad of shape hey man you're not drax. You're just some guy. Sat of shape. I mean, this guy is so beefy in real life. Drax is. I mean, just look up Drax cosplay. Hey, man. So fat.

Oh, so fat. Some guys are just fat and just like. I love how fucking Drax. I love how like that's. Drax is probably like the number one thing that a fat guy goes to comic-con dresses up as you know because you don't you can kind of cheat it right you can cheat it if you're tall and lanky and shit you could be spider-man but if you're just like fat and you like look and you like don't work out you'd be like i love comic-con i'll just dress up as drax i mean dude you know that's the

number one thing to dress up as comic-con if you had a shape is drax dude you pear shape you drax um it's just fucking drax is the guy from guardians of the galaxy i would like if i had a kid i'd dress him up like the raccoon. Like a four-year-old, I'd make him put a fucking raccoon. I'd put hair all over me like, Dad, I don't want to do that. And I'd be like, put on the goddamn raccoon shit. We're going to Comic-Con.

Now get Daddy's Drax stockings. Get Daddy's Drax stockings I'm 40 um yeah I mean Comic Con is

dude I love dorks though because I'm a dork too I do shit like I'm a dork about stand up I mean I fucking love stand up it's because i'm a dork too i do shit like like i'm a dork about stand-up i mean i fucking love stand-up it's like everybody's a dork in their way hopefully you're a dork honestly if you're not passionate about anything then you know what the fuck are you you're just some guy that works at a cubicle i mean be passionate if you're passionate about youtube you're passionate about youtube that's fucking awesome if you're passionate about

fucking dracks go get those stockings i love it it. I'll make fun of you all day long, but I love it. I'm passionate about fucking, you're passionate about, you know, you're passionate about Game of Thrones? Great. If you're that mad that Ed Sheeran was on Game of Thrones, go jump off a building. It's all entertainment. Y'all trying to sell fucking Kleenex.

That's all you're trying to do. Trying to get subscriptions. Whatever drives the fucking machine, man. And if you're mad that Ed Sheeran was on Game of Thrones because it took you out of it, hey, man, you know what you should do when you're watching Game of Thrones? Turn your head to the side. Sometimes you'll see a couch. Sometimes you'll see a fridge.

Sometimes you'll see tile. Sometimes you'll see a poster. That'll take you out of it. You know why? You're in a house or you're in a fucking apartment just look down you know what you see your feet with nikes on or your fucking socks you know what they didn't have at game of thrones nikes you know what they didn't have a game of thrones your fucking humming ass refrigerator you know what they didn't have in game of thrones your fucking humming ass refrigerator you know what they didn't have a fucking couch with with the fucking nice like floral pattern you're gonna get mad oh dude ed sheeran come on dude ed sheeran's in game of thrones

that takes me out of it. Turn your head. Turn your head to the right. What do you see? Don't get mad that Ed Sheeran was on Game of Thrones. Because look what's to your right. Look down. You have Adidas on. Dude. Hey, walk outside.

Look out the window. You'll see cars. It took me out of it. Ed Sheeran was in the fucking bye. Yakuta. Get gunk. That's a fucking combo, dude.

Dude, if you're mad because Ed Sheeran was on the fucking Game of Thrones, bye. Yakuta. Gagunk. I got a combo for your ass. Bye. Yakuta. Gagunk.

That's it, man. We're in Street Fighter. Yakuta. Yakuta. Yakuta. Yakuta. Bye. Gagunk.

Gagunk. Gagunk. Yakuta, Yakuta, Yakuta, Yakuta. Bye. Gagunk, gagunk, gagunk. Yakuta, Yakuta. Bye. Street Fighter 2 for that ass. Come on, man. Fucking mad because Ed Sheeran. Go get mad at some other shit. Hey, go get mad at other things.

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So, I'm so fucking sore, dude. I've been working out really hard. And I've been thinking about, it's so hard to work out and also eat right. Because you want to fucking work out hard, but then you want to eat so much when you work after you work out, which is fine. I know you're supposed to eat more if you're going to work out more, but it's like you want to eat. You know what I mean? Like I'm addicted to all the sugar shit. It's like I'm supposed to not eat bread and just keep working out and just eating salads.

And then I get I'm probably doing it wrong. One faint. But I crash and I eat these fucking burgers and shit. And if I hear one more time, hey, abs are made in the kitchen. Yeah, all right. You know, I don't like that saying. I don't like sayings when people just get them on board with the sayings. Abs are made in the kitchen.

Yeah, all right. I just imagine and envision people doing crunches on the fucking counter near the sink. I just, but I eat burgers and shit, you know, and I try not to eat. I don't eat that much meat. I mean, I eat some meat, but late at night, it's fucking hard. What is it about late at night? Just makes me want to put all the food in my mouth. In the daytime, I'm good.

I eat salads, fucking whatever. But abs are made in the kitchen, man. Abs are not made in the kitchen, by the way. Because if you don't work out, you're not going to get abs. If you just eat healthy, you may not get abs. I don't know, though. What the fuck do I know? I don't think this is something.

This is just a thought I had this week, and this literally has nothing to do with anything. But if a girl has a blonde boyfriend, that's weird to me. Like, if, I just like, what happened there? You missed the dark fucking hair, brown eyes shit? And you're just going out with a guy you're just gonna be going out with a guy with blonde hair and like that just i know that that's not right and i get people are attracted to different things but when a girl is like looks at a blonde dude and is like that's the

guy i gotta make my man that's such a trip to me dude when. When fucking cool ass dark haired dudes are roaming around just like, hey, how's it going? And then some fucking guy with blonde hair is going to steal your girl? Dude, if I was fucking, if I had my girl stolen from me from a guy with blonde hair, I don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would fucking do. Like, have it be a brunette guy, a fucking bald guy, any kind of thing. Even a ginger. But like a blonde dude comes in and swoops your girl up? Like, what the fuck is this, the 80s?

Come on. That's weird, man. If you get your chick swooped by a blonde dude, I want to know anybody out there, if you've heard, if you've had your girl ganked by a fucking blonde dude, you must, you got what? You got like no, you got no? You got like no,

you got no passion? You got no fucking oomph? What's up? I'll never get my girl taken from me by a fucking blonde dude. I'm telling you right now, bro. Blonde dude, blue eyed guy is going to come in and take my girl?

Fuck out of here, dude. Now, you got brown hair, dude? You're going to come in, you're going to steal my girl? All's fair in love and war. Dude, and I've been fucking, you know I love to say all's fair in love and war. But if you're a fucking blonde dude named like Troy, and you got blue, grayish eyes, and you come in, and you steal my girl

bro committing suicide how about a blonde dude with a with a fucking this kills me too if you're a blonde dude and you have a fucking leather jacket on and it's not brown

what are you doing you can't be a blonde guy and get a fucking black leather jacket. It just doesn't go right. If you're blonde, you want a leather coat, you get it in brown, man. You get it in brown. That's my rule. I know it makes no fucking sense, but it just looks better. Okay better then you're at least like cool kind of undercover cop vibe kind of guy but if you're a blonde dude with a black leather jacket you look like you're dressed up for Halloween dye your hair too baby

you pale as shit you can wear a dark leather jacket as long as your hair is dark as well you pale as shit you blonde as shit you get a dark leather jacket. What you doing? You don't look good.

I think I told you guys this, but I used to try this bit on stage where if you're fat and you... If you're fat and you buy a leather jacket, like, what are you doing? Like, work out first. You know? What are you fucking... What are you, like like slaying pussy now hey you got fucking 45 extra pounds and you went to macy's and bought a leather jacket he slain pussy now i mean i don't know unless you're like fucking fat mafia guy

and you're like running shit but if you're just some guy with like a desk job and you got 45 extra pounds you bought a leather jacket you don't you're blonde on top of it what are you doing imagine a blonde guy 45 pounds overweight wearing a leather jacket what are you doing now everyone's now a lot of people are going to get mad at what i just said but these are the thoughts i have these are my confessions um no but these are the thoughts i have and whatever i'm just saying them out loud you know it's a comedy podcast it doesn't work on stage so i'm just kind of fucking throwing you the bits and pieces um yeah man it makes me laugh

thinking of a fucking fat blonde guy in a leather in a dark leather jacket walking around all cool and shit with like kenneth cole shoes on and fucking baggy jeans bro if you got a leather jacket on and baggy jeans uh switch it up switch it up but comedians should never have to apologize because that's why i wanted to be one of the reasons why i wanted to be a comedian is because i didn't want to have to apologize because i'm just fucking around anyway i mean we don't mean a hundred percent of the shit we're saying you know um but i like when people tell me there's a problem with one of the problems of being a comedian is people come up to me or tweet me and they'll be like fuck you you ain't shit and then i'll block them and then they'll hit me with another account and be like why'd you block me dude and i'll be like because you said fuck you or you ain't shit. And they're like, I obviously was joking. You're a comedian.

You have such. You should know. I should know that you're joking because I'm the fucking comedian. I should know that you're joking because I'm the one that's funny. Hey, man, be funnier. Don't just say, fuck you. It's not fun. Now, look, it can be funny if a comedian says, fuck you, because you know he's a comedian.

And you know you expect him to be funny. But fucking Jake from Wisconsin? Who are you? You're ugly. Block. Hit me. Why'd you block my friend Jake? He was just joking. Oh, really? You're ugly. It's not a joke. It's just calling someone ugly. So you get blocked, dude. You get dealt with. That's it. Hands hands down you come at me you get dealt with you entered the octagon you entered the octagon on twitter you get dealt with that's how it goes some fucking idiot hit me up the other day and and she was like she said something and i was like uh-huh. And she was like, eh. You said something rude and I just blocked her.

Because fuck it. Better to not see that shit. I got a fucking trigger finger block finger, bro. You say something shitty. You know? Why does every rapper go... It's so dumb. Every fucking rapper is going to do that now?

They don't even do it when they're talking about guns anymore. They're just like... The fuck is going on? It's so... It'd be like if every comedian was like... Had a fucking thing that was like... I mean, come on! And they just did that every time. They fucking thing that was like, I mean, come on. And they just did that every time.

They did a joke and then, I mean, come on. Fucking rap is so shitty now. You know? Even the good guys. It's like, oh, would they really be that good when fucking Tupac was around? I got that song stuck in my head. Why my fucking ex call? Why my fucking ex call?

Why the fuck my ex call? Why my ex calling? Why is my ex calling? And he keeps going, why my fucking ex calling? And then you're like, okay, this is the chorus. Why is my fucking ex calling? Why my fucking ex calling? And he keeps going, Why's my fucking ex calling? And then you're like, okay, this is the chorus. Why's my fucking ex calling? Why's my fucking ex calling? And then it starts and he says,

Why's my ex calling? Why the fuck the ex calling? Waiting for the next calling. Why the fuck? Hey, man. Pick up the phone. Imagine you're with him and the ex keeps calling and he keeps asking you,

oh, why the fuck is my ex calling? Again, why is my ex calling? Oh man, why is my ex calling? Hey man, ask her. She's? Hey, man, ask her. She's calling. Hit accept. Ask her. Hey, ex, why are you calling?

Well, I'm a fucking, that's how the song should be. Well, I'm a fucking ex calling. Well, I'm a fucking ex calling. Well, I'm a fucking ex calling. Hey, why are you calling? Dude, it's annoying also his name six lack now do i give a fuck that it's that he wants to pronounce it black no well you know why you don't pronounce it black because it's six lack dude do you like that six lack song? What's it called?

Well, you know what it's called. You know why he says it? 75 times in the song. Six lack. That's not a B. That's a six. Therefore, six lack. I mean, hey, dude, change the C in my name to a seven.

My name is Seven Chris. Oh, shit. Hey, dude, but still call me Chris. Oh, but there's a seven and then an HRIS? Oh, cool. My name is Seven Chris. So dumb. And my ex keeps calling me. I won't pick up, but I want you to answer me. Why is my ex keeps calling me I won't pick up but I want you to answer

me why is my ex calling eight Chris what's it say yeah I mean it's weird how hip-hop will just talk over and over and over and over again the same fucking repeated thing shit like that if you're choosing a ride sharing company to drive for go with the company that treats you better lyft only lyft offers in-app tipping when you drive for lyft you keep 100 of the tips drivers have been paid over 150 million dollars in tips since the feature was introduced express pay lets drivers get paid almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks 150 million jesus lyft has even taken the guesswork out of pickups the new amp device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers.

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Promo code congrats. 5-4 club.com. Promo code congrats. 5-4 club.com. Promo code congrats. Well, guys, it's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Gunk.

And this is the foreign edition. It's going to be the foreign edition. All right. Now, a lot of times we're like we hit the O's or, you know, we got to issue some gunks. But this one is a guy writing in American, in American, in English. He is not English, obviously obviously because his name is hans uh and if anybody's name is hans and they're from america uh you know has that ever happened i'm not giving you his handle but it's a picture of yellowstone i suppose Park. And it looks beautiful. There's like a creek in the middle.

Mountains are covering it. Some trees. Basically, it's a place I'd never want to fucking be. Because there's no Starbucks there. Dude, you want me to go somewhere? Put a Starbucks on it. Like Yellowstone? Oh, really?

Is it disgraceful? Put a fucking Starbucks on it. I'll go. Put anything. Put a Pete's Coffee. I don't give a shit. Put a Seattle's Best on it. You don't have a coffee shop? Not going.

So this is what the guy says under the caption. And this is, keep in mind how foreign this is. He writes, Strong as a river in the rocks. Okay, well, I mean, first of all, that's not that strong

because if the river was that strong, it would be moving the rocks, but it doesn't matter. As safarin. Strong as a river in the rocks is already the beginnings of an a safarian i mean that's so first of all it's super emotional you know when foreign people talk they get way more emotional you know in another language to be like exactly this strong as a horse in the prairie.

Free, and this is how he wraps it up, free as a bird in the sky that would be a man. Strong as a river in the rocks feral as a horse in the prairie free as a bird in the sky that would be a man now that's so foreign okay this is my favorite part this these are the... Okay. Hashtag Yellowstone. Hashtag Yellowstone River. Hashtag Wyoming. Hashtag Wilderness. Hashtag River.

Hashtag Nature. And this is the most foreign hashtag that you've ever read in your life. Hashtag nature park. Oh my God, you know? Yeah, we're going to the nature park, yeah? Hashtag nature park. You know? High performance coach is a guy that is on an

Instagram high performance coach left a comment of the AOK hand nothing could you get more far than that high performance coach left an AOK fucking hand comment wait a minute Left an A-OK fucking hand comment.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who begins too much accomplishes little. Oh. It's not enough to be busy. The question is, what are we busy about? These are all. To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have change to often. Wow.

I mean, that would be a men. Free as a bird. What? Strong as river in the rocks. Feral as a horse in the prairie. Free as a bird in the sky. That would be a men.

Really fucked it up with that last word completely made it mean nothing it also wouldn't be a man either so what did he mean fucking i love when people try to speak not their language um because it's very funny i'm sure we sound like idiots when we try to speak you know a different one but holy fuck that would be a man um yeah all right i'm going to check these hashtags uh congratulations pod man everybody hits gaming the system now because that one fucking dickhead said that uh christopher s at stews 1990 oops nope change it stews 1990 you know what do you think of guys who keep unlit cigars in their mouth i mean that's. Are you in the A team? That's fucking really stupid. I mean, do guys for real do that? Like, really? I mean, I know they do, but like,

run into a bus that's driving. Come on, dude. Fucking, if you did that, if you do that, be in the A team. Be fucking George Pappard. Is that his name? I don't do that, be in the A-team. Be fucking George Pappard. Is that his name? I don't know. The guy in the A-team with the white jacket. I heard that guy was the biggest cocksucker of all time too, like such a dick. Yeah, that's don't ever, don't do, do the whole thing always.

I mean, look at him. Go look up, Google George Pappard. Just smiling with a, like as if having an unlit cigar isn't bad enough, smiling with it in it while it's in his mouth. Like, is there a bigger fuck you to every single person you're around than having an unlit cigar in your mouth, smiling while holding a gun? And that was what he did that was his part and apparently he was the biggest asshole in all of hollywood and naturally because of had to be his idea i mean just always with a fucking cigar in his mouth smiling unlit but he probably i think he did light it sometimes um but still don't just have it on standby in your fucking mouth in case you need to smoke it just put it in a fucking in your car you know what i mean um andre's or and, I guess, Vivanco. Oh, this guy's all mixed up. Andre Vivanco, and then in, what do you call those parentheses?

Aves, A-V-E-S. Hey, man, just pick a name and go with it. You don't need to have parentheses in your fucking Twitter handle. At Drez Vivanco. Oh. Thoughts on bumper stickers? When would be acceptable to use them? Now here's the deal.

Never. Next question, dude, what do you have? What baby on board by who'd you vote for? Trump fucking Hillary by don't care. Just vote for him. Um,

yeah, yeah, it's not, it's not cool to do that um a lot of you guys posting pictures of this free conch pick t-shirts and the congratulations here the blue on the congratulations shirt is awesome um i mean this guy this is actually funny I mean, this guy. This is actually funny.

Josh Boss. Josh Boss. At Josh Boss. Thoughts on watching porn and coming during the position change? That's pretty funny, dude. Because it's weird. Like, when guys are listening or watching porn and they are about to finish finish they want to finish at a good part you know which is stupid because who cares they want to like be visually stimulated while they do it but when the camera angle changes and you finish i guess is what he's saying when you're like oh

man it's a bit of a letdown i don't know know. I don't really watch that much. I don't really watch that much porn to be honest. Okay. This is a great question. And this guy probably doesn't even know it. But Gabe Eatman, at Gabe Eatman, do you ever wish you were more famous or do you like the amount of fans fame you have? Okay. This is actually a real thing here. I think I'm at the level of fame. That's the most annoying. Because I'm not obviously Brad Pitt. I'm not that famous. But the people who know me want to convince me that they know me and that they like me better than other people who might

know me. And it's because I'm not the most famous guy in the world. And that is very annoying because if you like me and you come up and tell me you like me, I believe you. You don't have to say, no, no, no, no for real though you don't understand me and my friends and this and that and then we did this and that and then that oh yeah thank you but but dude i mean and then and they start talking about different things that i've done to prove to me and i understand it's all nice and all that shit but look you gotta understand after a show at the comic store when i'm on the patio or something like that you know 15 people do that that's an hour and a half and i'm you know maybe i'm hanging out with somebody i'm a work person or like a

you know a other guy or something and it's you know that that's so yeah i i would like to be And it's, you know, that's, so yeah, I would like to be more famous because if that were the case, then, you know, people like Jamie Foxx, Justin Bieber, they just shut that shit down. You can't even be there. You say, hey, man, can I go? Thanks. Yeah, bye. I got to go. Otherwise, you know, a mob is going to come.

If I do that, I look like a piece of shit. Hey, man, no, no. If I say, yeah, man, I can't do the pics. Can't do it. And then nobody comes up for the next 25 minutes, people are like, ah, that was pretty pompous. Does anybody else want to know? Okay. All right. I guess I will take the picture with you. This guy, Raul Velasco, at Alejandro Photo 7. Hey, man, what's your name? Alejandro or Raul? Asking about the Phelps not racing against the real great white shark. Hey, man, that whole fucking thing was absolutely DSS. And what I mean by that is, dumb as shit, okay? Dude, he wasn't going to race a fucking great white shark, and you knew that.

If you didn't know that, dude, if you tuned in to watch that, hey, cuda. For real. Come on, man, you knew he wasn't going to race a fucking great white, and if he did, you knew that there was going to be a huge stone wall in between them. If you tuned into that, eee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, e hour. Or no, I'm sorry. 25, I think it is. Or 30. Yeah, I think it's 30. I think a mako can swim up to 50.

25, I was right. A human, the fastest human, can swim a little bit over 5 miles per hour. Okay? So he's going to lose. Ikuda, if he's tuned in to watch it. All right? That's the fastest guy. And, you know, Michael Phelps is probably one of the fastest guys,

so fine, five miles per hour versus 25 miles per hour. Not going to make it. Don't shoot it because it's dumb. Everyone who watched Therefore was a eee eee eee

eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee

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eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE Did you watch it? Step out. Step out a second. Did you watch that? Step out of the TV room just really quick. G-gong. Yeah, man.

Let's look at some other ones. These are some good ones actually this week. Thoughts on Fantasy Football by Daniel Clark. You know what I think about fantasy football? Football's already dorky. You got guys screaming at people to run. Yeah, go ball get the ball in the area and then you got guys who are pretending to fucking have a team that does that oh there's nothing sadder fantasy football there's nothing sadder it's sad to be in the stands and

fucking root for a guy running with a ball to go to a certain area. But fantasy football? Pretending you got the team? There's nothing sadder. Yeah, that's real fucking wacky. It's free conch, do whatever you want, but just know it's sad. do whatever you want but just know it's sad it's free cunch do whatever you want but just know you're the mayor of sadsville what did drake wear with the fucking what was drake wearing at the fucking what was it?

And it says balancier visuals. That's just a photo, I think, of what I see. But he's wearing something out of the material that looks like you'd wipe your sunglasses with to make them cleaner and why is he standing like such a bitch i like drake but the picture that they took he's standing like there's a uh something crawling out of his butthole and he's like trying to like be like well i don't want people to see it come out hey wipe your sunglasses with that fucking shirt dude that's what that is it's silk or whatever oh here's a question steve butler at kuda master 69 very cool why 69 what would it take for you to camp out for something he's talking about like in line for like a video game or something.

To camp out for something overnight, I would have to be saving my brother's life. Does it have anything to do with Xbox One? No, I'll wait. Does it have anything to do with Xbox one? No, I'll wait. Does it have anything to do with PS4? No, I'll wait. Does it have to do with saving my mother?

Yeah, I'll camp out. Um, I mean just Shark Week you know what's my favorite bad movie Connor Solace amazing I love all bad movies

those are the only movies I like I don't like good movies they're annoying hey what the fuck was Nicolas Cage dressing like in Kazakhstan is that the like that's traditional garb there or something

I don't know but boy his face said it all man you know how he would be like this in movies this is him in this in this picture oh i mean what he he just looks so like all right i i mean he's getting paid for it he's gotta be getting paid for it he's gotta be getting paid for it um all right let's do one more and then mount um oh oj's getting out how about that man keep him in jail. Know why? He killed someone. Hey, anybody that kills someone should be in jail. Yeah, oh, you found him not guilty?

He still did it. Keep him in jail. Keep him in jail. Dude, here's the deal, man. That's the thing. It's like how Denzel won the Oscar on Training Day, even though he deserved it in the Hurricane movie. He didn't win it because Kevin Spacey won it it uh give him the oscar for fucking what for for training day fine so they that's the same thing they gave fucking oj prison for robbing his sports stuff back even though he fucking

murdered two people therefore keep Therefore, keep him in jail. Come on, dude. Keep him in jail because he murdered two people. Hey. This guy, this visual makes me laugh. Mike, at Mike Thomas 1980. What about guys that run backwards full speed on a treadmill at the gym bro if you do that get the fuck out of that gym go home run backwards real fast home fucking asshole we everyone somebody running backwards at the gym

we got to all worry about this motherfucker i'm trying to do a bench press or some flies and i'm now i'm stressed out that this guy's gonna fall and break his fucking neck turn round run forward or run backwards home i mean come on dude fucking asshole if i a dude, let me tell you something. If I see a dude running backwards on a treadmill at the gym, I'm going to fucking make sure he sees me roll my eyes. That's going to be the hardest workout I get. The eye roll. Remember crazy eye roll? Dude, where was that? Was that, uh, that was in the, and that was her special interests somebody on her headshot okay so my buddy told me a story he saw a headshot once and on headshots well my producer here and the headshot you know it says like special interest or special skills on the bottom i think

for mine when i had headshots it was was like, I don't even know. I probably did like karate or some shit, you know, shit like that, martial arts you put or something. But this fucking girl had on her special skills, crazy eye roll. What is that? You asked her to do it and she just rolled her eyes right she didn't ask dude crazy eye roll dude like it's like it's a sushi roll what about guys that fucking run backwards full speed on the treadmill at the gym dude that's so funny running so fast backwards, you fucking asshole.

This guy also asked, a 27-year-old at my work wears a high school class ring daily. This is a full-grown cuda. This guy, Mike, makes me laugh. Cuda at Cuda. This person really, people who spend their, I i mean really running with the kuda stuff people who spend their birthday thanking everyone for their birthday wishes on social media sakuda right yeah dude it is thanks for all the birthday wishes ah shut up dude shut up fucking thank them individually you dick dick. Go on Facebook. Oh my God, so blown away with all of the birthday love.

Eh, shut up. Like that, when people do that. I want to fucking, you know what, dude? That's the fucking thing. Now, if you fucking see somebody on Facebook that writes, fucking so blown away by all the wonderful birthday wishes. I'm humbled with how many of you reached out. You comment under that, eh, shut up. And you go, eh, with a bunch of A's.

Eh. And you write, shut up, like S-H-A-D-D-U-P. Not shut up. Shut up. Fucking full-grown cuda. Definition of a cuda. Oh my god. Backwards running at the gym is the best.

This guy's good too, man. There are a lot of really good ones here this this year this year this week um nick zervotis that's a weird last name at n zervi okay i don't like when by the way people do that shit when they're like fucking um change the last name to fucking Wilkins. It's not Wilkins. Wilkie. Hey, it's Wilkie. Wilkie's here or some shit.

Could you be more of a fucking frat guy? You're in a fraternity. Hey, if you do that and you weren't in a fraternity, congratulations. You fucking were inducted into a fraternity hall of fame. This is what this guy wrote. Thoughts on people who say you can't make this up when telling a story smagination you can't make this up yay ken yay ken because it happened in real life therefore oh no this guy just uh sent me a picture of uh oh no sent me a picture of this guy cameron dallas that's like that model guy that uh

that and he's wearing a shirt well this will piss you right the fuck off like straight up he's wearing a shirt with long sleeves one of the sleeves is cut off

and I shit you not he's using it as one leg for his pants Is cut off. And I shit you not. He's using it. As one leg for his pants. Do you hear what the fuck I'm saying right now? And. I think I have to stop the podcast. It's a good looking kid. I guess he's got a gazillion fans

but uh yeah makes me want to like also is it at Disneyland where the fuck is he oh was he at Hogwarts fucking ride hey bro stay home dude did you want to put your fucking arm

i mean what what do you even say about you know it's like jesus why does that shit just make me want to work out Why does that shit just make me want to work out? Why would you put your fucking leg... Alright. I gotta actually stop because that fucked me up. So... Podcast is over because he wore a fucking... because he cut off an arm of his fucking shirt

and used it as a pant leg and walked around the fucking Hogwarts ride in Disneyland is a fucking weirder I'm out. I'm done, dude. Hey, guys. You know what? I'm done. There's nothing to say about that. So. Here. Go to my fucking shows. Look at crystalia.com. There's two new shirts and a merchandise shit. Go now.

Fucking represent the goddamn podcast because I tell you what, if there's motherfucking cooters out there cutting their arms off and use them as a pant leg you better get the fucking congratulations shirt and stare right in the fucking face when you see a man it's free cunch sure but you put on the shirt you let them know it's free cunch but you're watching we need these motherfuckers this is a this more than ever now is a cult. This has been a cult and I didn't know in the beginning, but sometimes shit goes down and you realize what the fuck you've been doing. This podcast is a straight up cult and you're either my fucking babies or your

cooters. You want to be a fucking cooter and cut your arm off and put it on your fucking pant leg. You want to be a baby? Then you get one of these fucking shirts, free conch and you stare at the people in the face. You know what, dude, I don't baby? Then you get one of these fucking shirts, freak conch, and you stare at the people in the face. You know what, dude? I don't even care if you get the shirt or not. You can still be a baby, and you can still

be a fucking in the cult if you don't have the outfit understood. I'm not trying to hawk the shit. You want to buy it? Buy it. Don't fucking buy it. You can still be a baby. You can still be a number one baby. But dude, you got to rep the fucking podcast to the fullest.

All right? You got to rate and review it. You got to help out because you got to get this shit global, man. I'm just trying to get in a little fucking log cabin somewhere in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of servants. Nice. I'll treat them nicely too, though. Man on fire. If you haven't watched it yet on Netflix, go watch it. Man on Fire. If you haven't watched it yet on Netflix, go watch it.

Man on Fire. And dude, go check out where I'm coming. Go to crystalia.com. I'll see you with the shirts. Take pictures. I want to see you in those fucking things, man. Let's grow this cult. And I'm going to get some elders soon.

So you guys, you know, let me know. Thanks, guys. See you, my babies. Congratulations. soon so you guys you know let me know thanks guys see you my baby