Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 260. So Obnoxious

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris lounges at the doctors office, discusses the Roe V Wade reversal, and watches some videos featuring sex kung fu practitioner Will Blunderfield.  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. We are here today gathered in this cult to share ideas. And we need to be sharing ideas and we need to be uh showing our friends this podcast because how's a cult going to grow if a cult doesn't grow speaking of which the cult merch is up live on chrislea.com i didn't mean for my hair to look this fucking bitch in today but that's why so i guess subconsciously i didn't even put this on

i didn't mean to put i didn't mean to put this on, but your boy looks crazy fucking feathery, doesn't he? Anyway, yeah, he looks crazy feathery, but also chrislee.com for the new merch. And also, we just came out with these. I had this button, the oops button, on my desk for a bit. I hit it a few times, and you guys were like, could this come out? So we brought it out, dude.

And now when you're, you get this on your fucking desk and when somebody sits there and this is some boss shit to have though, for real. If you're a boss, if you're a CEO and somebody comes in

and they're not doing their job and you go, so tell me about what happened today. And they say, well, you know, I had all the transparencies and we tried to put them together and we tried to file everything and i couldn't get it out quick enough and you just go you just hit that dude and then you say you're fired so these are on sale chrislea.com um and uh we're gonna be doing i mean these jesus i don't even know that's my favorite dude Wow I am

Obnoxious dude But this cult be obnoxious dude This cult is obnoxious This cult is obnoxious Oh Oh no it's so obnoxious That's well how has that not been A Jay Z lyric

I'm so obnoxious Okay not been a jay-z lyric i'm so obnoxious okay um i'll be in grand prairie texas and that's dallas august 26th i'll be in wichita kansas home of the beat beat beat tk killer august 27th atlanta georgia september 9th washington dc., September 10th, September 23rd, Stockton and Oakland, September 24th, Peoria, October 7th, Rockford, Illinois, October 8th, Raleigh, North Carolina, home of the staircase guy who threw his wife down the staircase, maybe, October 21st, October 20, Colin Firth,ober 22nd savannah georgia denver colorado november 5th and then november 6th cheyenne wyoming but guess what dude november 12th

oh shit we did one at the wang theater and then wasn't enough so we added another november 12th november 12th two shows at the wang theater in Boston, Albany at the Egg, Lakeland, Florida, Jacksonville, Florida. These are just dates coming up. So go get your tickets at crystalia.com. And I'm sorry my hair is crazy feathery. Whoops, I'm sorry my hair is crazy feathery. I wash my hair today, and I always forget when I wash my hair how fucking fantastic the feathery hair be. I always forget, but I do it and then I let it dry a bit. If I'm not in a rush, that's the best.

I let it set. I set it and then forget it. And then I take a little bit of pomade. I put it in my hair and then your boy looks real feathery when he's walking around the town, right? I went to get my iced Americano with the purple straw. Imagine the Balenciaga. Oh, he's so monochromatic. It's obnoxious. Oh, dude, he's so monochromatic. It's like he's, oh, he's so monochromatic. It's obnoxious.

Oh, it looks like he got in a fight with a bunch of moths, but he stays monochromatic. Oh, God, the ring matches the rollie what the heck oh my god dude everything that sparkles is the same and all the shit in cloth and threads is purple what the fuck and he's got a plastic straw that happens to match his shirt he's obnoxious i'm so obnoxious dude so that's what's up man so uh but you know that's what it is we share ideas in this cult and one of the ideas is keeping it monochromatic that's what we do so uh it's all

good um and uh yeah he wore the balenciaga dripped out on stage the other day. And he had to wear it for the podcast, dude. So it's crazy that they make this shirt. And then they fucking literally just snip it and then sell it for more. So it's all good. I need to be snipping more of my shirts, dude, honestly. I need to be taking all my shirts and just making carefully placed fucking holes in all of them. And sell them for $100 a little bit more. Dude, I should come out with merch that's cut like that, dude.

That's the shit, man. What the fuck have I been doing? My son hits this all the time. Where's the oops button? Where's the oops? I don't play oops button. So we did it. And now we got the oops button and it's

for sale. But yeah, dude, and all the funds go directly to me, because bags, and all the funds go directly to my pockets, because I'm trying to get them lunged up like a bunch of beetles, and it's fine, but so yeah, had a good time this week, did some shows, did a lot of crowd work, I got some crowd work clips coming, go subscribe to the clips channel, not the clips channel, sorry, the Chris D'Elia channel on youtube uh most of you are subscribed to this channel but i have the other channel that is subscribed you can just go to the channels we i told one fire to do it did you do it yet he did it he didn't do it it was an insecure nod like this didn't do it yet we'll be done

by the time this podcast comes out go to my channels and click on that um and uh so yeah i got some crowd work clips coming out dude and i've been working the act and you know i'm going on tour to do this pretty soon i'll film something and who knows where i'll drop it i mean maybe i'll drop it on youtube maybe i'll drop it on a fucking platform who knows or you know what maybe a boy will just have it on vhs and just hand it out after shows because that's how raw and rugged he is dude you see the shirt did he get in a fucking fight with a bunch of moths you see the shirt did edward scissorhands what did he try to was he practicing

and chris was one of the first before he had his cut lights you know i'm saying like um so yeah i've been having a good time on stage you know some days are good some days are bad really been battling uh some depression and my OCD, but it's all good. We push forward. We keep moving. I took my son to Pop-Pop and Gammy's house. That's Grandma and Grandpa for those of you that don't know,

but my dad wants to be called Pop-Pop, and my mom wants to be called Gammy. They're both insane, but I drove him to Grandma's house, Grandma and Grandpa's house house and when we went there um he he was like i'm so excited to see pop pop and gammy and melted my heart and then afterwards dude um we ate chinese food and then he ate a lot of chicken he wanted chicken so he ate chicken and then they were like do you want to give him some dessert and i said no because a fucking idea, dude, that I was going to get ice cream with the boy.

Now, let me tell you something about getting ice cream with the boy. Now, it was just father-son that day. Okay. A lot of times Kristen comes with us, but, you know, she had some stuff to do. So it just went, just dad and son, dude. I had a dad, a father and son day, which is crazy to think that I'm a father still, you know. It's crazy to think that I'm a father, even still that it's been two, two and two years plus. Um, but, uh, I took my son to get some ice cream and I was in line getting ice cream and it was, uh, I was waiting and he was so excited and I was like, what kind do you want? And I said,

chocolate. And he said, yes. And I said, or vanilla. And he said, yes. So I was like, okay, I guess it's up to me. So I got him vanilla and i got him in a cone and he sat there and ate it and i was eating it with him and i didn't even want ice cream but i was eating a little bit it was like the cinnamon snickerdoodle kind it was really nice it was salt and straw just absolutely fucking gorgeous in my mouth dude i mean dude it fucking was i put it in my mouth and it was just dancing around it was so beautiful dancing around playing nice with the taste buds but my god it was gorgeous dude i mean i put that fucking snickerdoodle cinnamon style, playing nice with the taste buds. But my God, it was gorgeous, dude. I mean, I put that fucking snickerdoodle cinnamon style in my mouth with the spoon.

And mother fuck, it was gorgeous, dude. It might as well have been fucking Colin Farrell's sex tape because it was fucking gorgeous. Oh, it was so gorgeous. The snickerdoodle cinnamon in your mouth is gorgeous. So I ate it and my son was licking it. And I said, why don't you bite it? And he said, no, dust, yuck. And he would lick it. And dude, I was sitting there and I took some pictures.

You know, I looked like a dorky dad, whatever. I was wearing the fucking full purple life rip suit. I looked like a fucking jackass. But that's just how I, you know, that's just how I fucking, that's how I rolled, right? That day. And I didn't want to change for nobody. And I brought my son to get ice cream and he was eating it, dude.

And I was thinking about like how cool it was to be a kid, right? Like a lot of the times when you have a kid, you think about like, oh, you get to relive, people say like, oh, you get to relive the moments from your childhood just in a different way. And you get to experience it via your kid and childhood just in a different way and you get to experience it via your kid and how amazing that is and that is amazing but i actually on the drive home thought about like something that i don't know i think i think about this less than that first thing i just said but the fact that i got to have ice cream with my son is such a, it's such a great, I'm so lucky for that. I'm so lucky that I was able to experience taking my loved one to ice cream and giving

that to him and watching the joy on his face. That is so beautiful for me to experience. Now, I usually think, you know, cause look, I'm a self, I've been a selfish guy in my life. And this is a very selfish thought thinking about how, how, you know, it's not selfish. It's grateful. I'll say it's grateful. It's not like, I'm like, fuck. Yeah, this is awesome. I get to, it's not like fucking going and getting a fucking, you know, a BJ or some shit. It's not like going and getting some fucking pizza where everything's just gorgeous in your mouth. You know, I was doing it because I'm grateful to, I was thinking I'm grateful. I get to experience this, but anyway, what I've, what I'm trying to say is I used, I have lived selfishly, right? Like in my life before,

and I'm still selfish sometimes, but I try to keep that in check and I try to be grateful and do more things for other people and live like that. But my point is when it comes to my son, all that shit kind of goes out the window and I just want him to be happy. So I'm mostly thinking of, oh, I want him to have ice cream because I want him to be happy. Oh, I want him to go to the park because I want him to be happy. But I actually got to sit in the gratefulness of it in the, oh, wow, I get to experience this. I'm so lucky that not everybody gets to experience this. Look, it's a very common thing, taking your son to ice cream.

But I think the sitting and actually realizing what's happening in your life and how great of a moment this is, is not something that I'm always thinking of. And I got to sit and take that in in that moment. And I don't think I'm ever going to forget that, dude. I was sitting outside. I took some pictures and it was beautiful. And it was just licking the ice cream and then, and that's it. And that's it, dude.

It's not even really a story to tell. And that's it. And that's it, dude. It's not even really a story to tell. It's just a fucking check-in with you guys about how grateful I am for moments like that. You know? I think we get so consumed with, oh, am I going to like this? Is he going to like this?

Is she going to like this? Are they going to like this? Or am I accepted? But I just, the moment was beautiful, dude. And I'm so happy. I was so happy for that moment, dude. Um, and that's it. And that was a little bit more dramatic than I thought it would be, but whatever, it doesn't matter. Life keeps on ripping, dude. Life keeps on ripping, dude. You lick that ice cream and life keeps on, um, it keeps on ripping. Gorgeous.

So yeah. There's a lot of fucking, I don't know what this is, dude. This was hilarious and I can play this on my phone because I don't have it on, I can't play it on my computer. But what's up with the fake accounts pretending that they're celebrities?

I don't know if this happened. I think that, well, I know this happens to, who was I talking to? It happened to, somebody's telling me it happened to Morgan Wallen, Waylon Wallen, I don't know if this happened. I think that. Well I know this happens to. Who was I talking to? It happened to. Somebody was telling me. It happened to Morgan Wallen. Waylon Wallen.

I don't know. And. And. But like. There are so many accounts. That reach out to people. Either pretending they're me. Or pretending that they are.

An assistant of mine. Like they'll go. Like this is a. Something that they'll write. Like here. Let me look i i just can't believe that like here um do i even have it or did i fucking throw it away um it's a i fucking i don't even know if i have it anymore but they say shit like um hey uh chris d'alia really appreciates you so much and he just wants you to know that. And, you know, he's so grateful for you and you should write him. Which is so fucking weird.

Like, what is the endgame for this bot or person? Some of these are profiles that look real. What's the endgame? They're going to say, okay, and then write me. And then what? I'm going to ignore it. And then what? The person is doing things that don't matter.

But there's one, I think this guy was trying to get some money out of this person. And dude, this was so great. So this guy is trying to get some, I think, money out of this person. I don't know what it is, but he put his account was Christ D'Elia. Spelled it wrong. Going to go to hell. Christ D'Elia, dude. And he's writing people as me.

A lot of times people will do Chris D'Elia But like something will be a little bit different Like two L's or whatever So this person reached out to me And this was so fucking funny dude This person wrote Christ D'Elia writes to this person I was scrolling on my fan page when I came across

Your sensible profile Your profile looks really nice and sensible So I decided to add you here on my private page so we can communicate communicate i think he's mean thanks for being a great fan to me dude here's a word i never say sensible i I don't say it. It's definitely not in the lexicon of Crystal Lee is vocabulary. I definitely don't say it twice. I definitely don't say it twice in one message.

Okay. Also, thanks for being such a great fan to me. So far, it's the guy. There's a bunch of red flags, right? There are so many red flags so then this then he sends a picture of what looks like me actually i remember this picture was when i was in australia and it looks like i'm taking a selfie because i was doing a video i took a screenshot and sent it to this person and this person wrote can you send me an auto

message saying hi to me it would mean the world auto message and then she says my name is hannah as you can see on my profile if you could say hi to me so the guy does and this is what he sends dude hi hannah Ayy, Hannah? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhieeieieeieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieieie Arabic! Ay, Hanna. Dude! So not Chris D'Elia. Ay, Hanna. Ay, Hanna. Hey, dude, you can say H because you said Hannah.

So say hi, not I Hannah. The sequel to I Robot. The prequel. From the makers of I Robot comes I Hannah. robot comes i canna dude the most the most sensible movie this year dude how could it be real how could the guy dude so sensible i am dude who are these fucking people what are we trying to get so not uh uh so not gonna be me that's on my instagram if you want to go see it it's fucking hilarious go to my instagram and uh dude let's play it again I can't even Ayana We gotta put that

On the soundboard dude Ayana Dude These fucking jerk offs Like they think you know They think they're gonna get $40 out of somebody. Ay, Hannah. Oh, she's going to be like, what's your cash app?

Also, the best part was the girl's name wasn't Hannah. No bullshit. It was not Hannah. The name was not... She said her name was Hannah, but on the fucking... But on the profile, it's not there. It's not that. It's like Anastasia or something.

Dude, doing the bare minimum. Unbelievable, dude. I fell out. When that happened, I was done. That was it, dude. I fell out when that happened. I was done. I was it. That was it, dude. How funny is that? Why are there so many fake accounts

pretending that they're me? Why are there so many fake accounts pretending that there's anyone? Who does that? If you're a bot, okay. But first of all, why? To get money? Okay.

Besides that, why? It's not everyone's not Trying to get the money some people are Doing it for different reasons I want to know why Um So anyway dude I mean so funny dude Um

I was at the uh I'm getting sinus Surgery you know so I'm gonna do that soon I can't take fucking uh I'll probably actually the next episode of lifeline or congratulations. I'm going to be having a fucking thing over my nose, but I'm, I might get a fucking nose job, dude. Just a straight up beautiful one, a really big, beautiful one, dude. There was a guy that walked by me the other day and he had a re I love dudes with big noses and I don't mean crooked ass big noses.

I love dudes with big noses and I don't mean crooked ass big noses. I mean, a nice big nose is a manly, is a very manly fucking cool, like sexy thing for a man. And I'll go one further. I like big noses on women. I do. I like a strong nose on a woman. I like a strong nose on a woman. And I'm not lying, dude.

When I see a strong nose on a woman, I think that that's sexy. When a girl's got a bodacious nose, that's insane to me, dude. I go like this. Oh, hold a second, dude. When I see a strong nose on a woman, I think that that's sexy. When a girl's got a bodacious nose, that's insane to me, dude. I go like this. Hold a second, dude. That's the kind of guy I am, dude. Guys watch fucking titties. Guys watch titties when they bounce. You know, when a girl and she does the downstep and the fucking tits go up and they're walking like this, right? And they're walking like this on the downstep to the right, the titties go up to the left and the downstep to the left, the titties go up to the right. Guys like bodacious titties. Your boy loves bodacious noses, dude. I like a strong Liam Neeson nose on a woman.

That's what I like. I like a fucking strong, looks like I got bonked in the head when I was eight years old and it grew to a little bit of a bigger nose than it would have normally if I didn't get bonked in the head type of nose on a woman. That's what I like, dude. Right? Some guys are ass guys. Some guys are titty guys.

Now, of course, all guys are ass guys. Some guys are titty guys. No, of course all guys are acid titty guys. Like when somebody says, are you an ass or tits guy? You just like, what? I'm a guy. Give me both bodacious, but I'll go one further. I like a nose. I'm a nose girl. Okay. He's a nose girl. Um, so I like a nose girl. So I might just fuck around And get a bigger nose dude I mean the guy my doctor told me And he does all the fucking you know he does all the celebs So I'm fucking back baby Dude he does all the celebs dude Talk to Niall Horan

Had the same surgery I'm gonna get I'm fucking back Fuck yeah dude I'm Kyle Horan, had the same surgery I'm gonna get. I'm fucking back. Fuck yeah, dude. Two of the guys from Nickelback got the same surgery I got. I saw the plaque in the office. I'm fucking back, baby. And let's not forget about Chris Daughtry.

I'm back, baby. Hey! about Chris Daughtry? I'm back, baby! Dude, I'm sitting in walls with fucking platinum plaques. I'm like, did you do all these guys' noses? And he says, yep, sometimes I do their throats. Fuck yeah, do it to your nose and throat, doctor. Just clumping them all together. That's probably the worst doctor, just kind of clumping all the shits together, right?

You know? Like, the knee doctors are like, we specialize in the knee because we know all about the knee. You got all the shits together right you know like the knee doctors are like we specialize in the knee because we know all about the knee you got all the leftover shit so i was like what if i got a nose job just fucking shoot you know shooting the shit and he says three times as painful three times the recovery and i go god damn dude i'll probably just stick to the wall inside my sinuses um so he's gonna break it and then fucking fix it but i was sitting there oh god and you know you have to do so many pre-op shits man pre-op it's like one of those things you know you got to do pre-op because like they got to make sure everything's fine but

like everything's fine you know because i'm a 42 year old fucking spry male like i'm just like you know i'm built like a fucking brick shithouse, you know, I'm six two and the fucking, the way fabric just falls off my shoulder. It's like, I don't even, you can't even see my midsection. You know, a lot of guys have fucking, a lot of guys have like tubs around their shit. Like that tire, not me, dude, my shit, my shoulders are so broad. You can't even tell I'm V'd out. But if you want to lift up the shirt for a surprise, right? Lift up the shirt for a surprise. I'm V'd out. But if you want to, lift up this shirt for a surprise.

Right? Lift up this shirt for a surprise. I'm V'd out. And you better hope I have pants on because if I don't, somebody's going to trip. So, um... Whoa, whoa, careful where you're walking. That's my penis. So, um... So, yeah. So, anyway, you got to do all the pre-op shits so i'm doing the

pre-op shits and i gotta go in to do the fucking pre-op with different and they're always like you know i've done one surgery before that i had to be put out for i'm always the guy who's like leave me awake if you can leave me awake leave me awake leave me awake they're like we got to take your fucking wisdom teeth out i say leave me awake oh are you sure most people leave me awake. They're like, we got to take your fucking wisdom teeth out. I say, leave me awake. Oh, are you sure? Most people leave me awake, dude.

What are you talking about, man? What are you talking about? What is this? I've seen Kings of pain. I want to be like that. Yeah. I'm not going under for some fuck.

Cause some adults in my mouth. Fuck it. Fuck it. Put them all in my mouth. I want to wait. You think I want you tooling around in my mouth? You think I want you tooling around in my mouth? You think I want you tooling around in what's pink? You think I want you tooling around in what's pink while I'm getting some shut-eye, dude?

Hey, tell the anesthesiologist, take a fucking hike. Hey, anesthesiologist, here's your vest with a bunch of pockets on it. Go enjoy some sunshine. Are you kidding me? So, um, I went to go get the fucking, can't get the hair right in the thing. See, this is what happens when I'm real feathery, dude. Can't get the hair right in the thing.

In the, under the thing. Where is it? I can never tell what's right or what's left. So, um, so yeah, so I'm like, uh, so I gotta get put under for this because it's my nose and he's gonna break it and then fucking align the sinuses Break it and align the sinuses So um So I'm gonna do that

And so I had to go get a pre-op shit And uh while I was getting the pre-op stuff I had to go to another doctor There to do the pre-op and then That doctor was like You know I'm gonna get you an EKG I'm gonna take your blood and I'm gonna feel your abdomen and then you should be fine. And then, so I do it.

And then she's like, I'll call you Monday for the results. Didn't, didn't call me, just texted me a link, but guess who doesn't click on links, baby? Guess who doesn't click on links no matter what it looked. Oh, it looked real it looked legit and also nobody knew i went to this doctor but guess who doesn't click on links baby that's me dude you think i'm gonna click on a link and then all of a sudden somebody in dubai is gonna fucking i'm on the hook for fucking 45k um no way dude so i didn't click the link so hopefully i'm fine but i'm gonna go into that So anyway I'm at the thing and she's like

We wanna get you Has he done a chest x-ray on you And I'm like I don't think so You know he did a jaw A fucking what's pink x-ray on me And she was like okay I'm gonna have you go to the chest x-ray people And this is why like I don't like

You know when you're in the doctors and you wait And you're there like appointments 230 you go there's 230 and then they you don't get seen till like 3 15 and it's like then don't have a point because here's the thing she was just like just walk over there they'll take you and i'm like well then what the fuck are we doing with these appointments i'm always waiting for appointment and then i realized when i get there dude it's because the guy's like me Cause I'm walking in on the side And I got the fucking They need to be better at it is what I'm saying I walked over there there were like 8 people in line

With appointments and they're like we'll get to you And now I felt bad So I'm there And I'm waiting to do it And everyone's fucking really nice you know Because they should be by the way Because you're going under the knife I didn't do it yet but I I know I have to. So, and then she said that the person behind the desk was

like, uh, Mr. D'Elia, can you come here? I need to ask you something. And I walked over and I was like, what the fuck? Like it has to be in private because you know, medical stuff is real dicey. So I walk up and she's like, when's the date of your surgery? And I told her, which I don't even know why I said, I don't even know why I don't even tell you guys I don't know why it's a secret But I feel like it's a secret I can't tell people

And then I told her And she's like Okay thanks a lot And then fucking went back And I sat down Dude and I'm going to send you A picture of this okay I'm going to send you

A picture of this Because I took a picture of this Because when it happened I needed to document it Okay I needed to document it Because I wanted to And I did it for the podcast. All right?

And I also texted friends about this. Now, I've told you stories like this before, but it happened again, and it happens to me more than anybody. And I don't know why. It might be because I'm a spry, tall drink of water. It might be because I sit down like Bon Jovi. It might be because I fucking relax like a praying mantis. But I'm chilling, right? And I'm waiting, and I'm waiting too long, and I want to relax. So what do I do? I make it my home, dude. When I want to relax

and when things are taking too long, I make it my home. And sometimes I sit badly and by badly, I mean good. Okay. That's what I mean. Because if you're sitting the way you want to, you're being you. And you know what? If you're being you, you're welcome. Hey, everyone around me, you're welcome. You get the real me. My walls are down and this is what you get. Congratulations. All right. And I like when people are the real them because I don't want any fucking secrets. If somebody's snooping around, not being themselves, then what happens? I don't know who I'm dealing with and I can get stabbed in the back. Okay. So I'm sitting you like one time when I was younger, I was trying to get

financed for this movie I was trying to produce. And I sat down on the couch and I sat down real relaxed. And afterwards my producing partner said, yo, I don't know if you should sit like that. And I said, why? He said, because it's kind of disrespectful. And I'm like, no, it's not. I'm just chilling. And like, yeah, but we want a money from those people. And I'm like, yeah, but you know, I don't think it matters that much. And then later on, like a year later, like a year later he said yo i want to apologize for that day i said you shouldn't sit like that i actually found i was reading this thing uh in some fucking book that if you have the balls to sit the way you want and not respectful then people feel like they need you and that probably helped us get the funding for movie because guess what we did get the funding for the fucking movie dude anyway that's neither here nor there because now i'm here at this fucking post-op chest x-ray thing

and i do the fucking bon jovi right i put my foot up and i don't put it on a chair i put it on a uh i'll put the picture up right here but i put it on the, for those of you listening, I put it on the armrest of the chair. And by the way, when I say armrest, it's very light. It's a very light armrest. It's like a fucking thin,

it's not like a king and a queen would sit here. It's a bullshit chair that they got for $15 because they needed to get 25 of them, right? They got it at like, you know, surgeryemporium.com. And they got a deal on them and I'm just kicking it, dude. And I'm the only one there. I'm the only one there. Now there's no, there may be one other person in the room waiting. And this lady comes out and she's a hundred.

Okay. As in years old, she's a hundred. All right. She's a little bit more beautiful then, but looks like the Crypt Keeper. She's a hundred. All right. Dressed in Gucci because we're in Beverly Hills. However, she's a year older than 99. She looks so close. Do you know what I'm talking about? Now, I wish the best for you, but you're so're so close okay i hope things work out for you for as long as you want but you're so close you're knocking and here i am just being a spry fucking praying mantis just chilling it right and i it hard. Just, it's not like I'm aggressively putting my foot on the armchair. It's like I, my leg happens to be draped over this fucking thing, okay? And this lady comes in and she's one of those 100-year-old that's like, hey, hey, how you doing?

Hey, hey, like one of these. One of those people that you see coming from a mile away and you think, oh, dude, I want to be like that when I'm that age. But then very quickly turn it in your mind to, oh, I bet that person makes other people's lives a living hell. Right? Like people that they actually know. oh, I bet that person makes other people's lives a living hell, right? Like people that they actually know. So she says, you know, I got to tell you, to the people behind the, to the people working there, she says, the doctors here are A1. They're just so great. And I'm like, wow, what a nice lady.

Who the fuck walks to the front and compliments doctors? And they're like, oh, yeah, they are the best, aren't they? And she says, every time I come here, it's such a pleasant experience. And then the ladies behind the counter say, well, yeah, you know, she says, okay, well, I'll see you another. Oh, she says, um, she says, uh, the doctors are just great. And then she says, you on the other hand, and they start laughing. They all start laughing and they're joking.

And I'm like, not only is this lady nice she's got humor dude she's a hundred she's knocking she's so close but she's also keeping it sarcastic this is great so maybe i was wrong about her making people's lives a living hell and you know me just, just sitting down, being a fucking belly-up praying mantis. Then she looks over at me, and she's looking too long. And I feel it. I don't look at her, but I feel it, you know? And then she says to the ladies behind the counter,

this gentleman has his feet on the furniture and that's when my that's when my blood does something different doesn't it it was a certain temperature but now what's it doing it's bubbling but you know what maybe she's riding that sarcasm wave, right? Maybe that's what she's doing. So she says, this gentleman has his foot on the table. And they laugh. And I laugh.

And I look at her. And I say, well, I can take it down if you'd like. And she said, I think it would be a good idea if you took your feet off the furniture. So now we're politicians that want something different, right? That's like the kind of thing we are. Like you have to still meet with lobbyists, but we want something different. But we're cordial and we're smiling, but we're not happy because we want something different. And I'm furious. So this is what I did. I said, okay. And left my foot there the whole time. I did it dude I don't know what's winning or losing in that situation

But I told her I would do it and then didn't And she didn't fucking say Shit after that dude It bothers me when people Are just like let me live Dude This was a patient. Dude, I told it to Kristen and she was like, don't be mean.

And then she found out later when I was talking about it, it was a patient. She was like, she didn't even work there. And I was like, yes, exactly. If you work there, that's one thing. Then I get it. It's annoying, but okay. Hey, look, it's your place, your rules. This fucking chick was getting some surgery done.

She was in her pre-op too. I think you need your feet off the man fucking mind your own business dude you're so close be happy let people live dude i don't understand the people that don't let people live i don't understand it this is the guy that i am now obsessed with and he is a guy and I'm going to, I'm going to, I hope he gets famous because he's not, he's got like 2000 followers. And he is Will, William Blunderfield, Will Blunderfield. Okay. You know, Will Blunderfield is his name. And he is a guy that has a lot of interesting things to say. Wait, here it is.

I'm following him. And here's one of them right here. What is up, Yogi? So people say, how do you use your anal plug in a ritualistic spiritual context? Simplest way is conscious connected breathing, a.k.a. breath work with your anal plug in. Just lie on the ground and breathe so that your perineum, your anus, your sex organ, your low belly bulges. Most people are disconnected from their roots so just conscious active inhale passive exhale just lie on the ground just close your

eyes put on some nice music or check out uh robin clements or edward dangerfield you know just um breath masters is really good too uh brian carew has some amazing breath work basically just lie on the ground plays music breathe with the plug in and i actually have amazing breath work. Basically just lie on the ground, plays music, breathe with the plugin. And I actually have a breath work teacher. He'd lift up our legs and he'd stick his perineum in our, his stick is knee in our perineum to help anchor us as men during breath work. We called him knees is Christ. You can do this by yourself just with a shock herbs plug. Use my code wild naked man.

So I know where's code. We use my code wild naked man sawn on worst code uh we use my code wild naked man dude un-fucking-real dude this is not the best one this is the one that um one fire sent uh not the best one so one fire but this one there are some such good ones dude i mean where's let's see here a lot of men have this desire to showcase their cocks to each other, for example, in the locker room. But they have this fear that if they do that, embrace that proclivity fully, that it might mean that they're gay

or that they're less than the ideal man. But the Spartans did that. The Indo-Japan period did that. Certain times in ancient India, they did that. First Nations tribes, they did that certain times in ancient india they did that first nations tribes they did that pretty much everywhere before the matrix took over did that in terms of an alpha male behavior so why are you feeling shame about it the only reason why you feel shame about same-sex erotic bonding and cock appreciation rituals is because the cult that runs this brainwashed you into that state of hey guy you're gonna use that much i mean you're gonna use that many fucking

words that are like legit say penis instead of cock oh man dude there's one here there's there's one that was just flipped me out. Hold on. This guy is unbelievable. The owner of Harmonic Egg Vancouver. So I believe in my body. No, no, no. It's not that one. Wait, come on, dude. So when I retain my seed, which I do most of the time,

I jack maybe once or twice a month on average. Sometimes I go for 100 days. I notice a direct correlation to how much money I make. Also, when I flood my body with superfoods, same thing happens. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no shit, dude. I've gotten stressed they tend to go into a parasympathetic ejaculatory addiction proclivity where they think that if they have a quick little cock sneeze go into porn hub and watch some some smut on there that it's gonna like make them feel better in the long run but the truth is it takes the body so much energy to create semen like way more than

even blood. So if you're ejaculating when you get stressed, you're actually lowering your ability to handle the stress and to come back into the hormesis. Hormesis, dude. And to come back into the hormesis. This guy is unbelievable and you're welcome, dude. Will Blunderfield. This episode of which is the wild naked you're welcome, dude. Will Blunderfield. Hold on.

A lot of people want to know about my take on womanhood and women's rituals. Now, while I'm a dude, I don't lead that many. I have actually led a bunch of naked women's naked awakenings and naked yoga classes where it's just me and a bunch of nude women. It's been gorgeous. I really, really fell in honor of doing that. just me and a bunch of nude women it's been gorgeous i really really felt honored doing that um but yeah i guess my take on it is i really really believe in yoni steaming rituals and um clitoral and vaginal massage uh rituals in a circle so basically all the women naked they brew some beautiful herb um steaming teas in a big vat and then they basically put it underneath their yonis aka their vaginas and

they sit in a circle and they basically steam their vaginas together it's very very beautiful uh women would do this in ancient cultures while the shaman dude would lead the alpha males through erotic bonding rituals so yang would be sharpening yang and yin would be sharpening yin it's a very beautiful experience so that's kind of to my two cents also putting the jade egg you can use my i mean what is up yogis so you gotta have in this this guy is just incredible what is up yogis i am absolutely loving my new emf block hold on what was the one where he's talking about just fucking playing with this dude's cock. Anything that sharpens young energy. Hold on. So we're going to do a little unboxing.

No, you guys got to hear this one. Sorry. What's up, Yogi? So a little hack. If you've had a little bit of indigestion. No, no, no, no. Remember, I was probably like 12 years old. That's going to end in tears.

All right, so here it is, dude. I found it. We had to cut to find it. But dude, this is the one, man. This is the one that is just the most greatest one. So I had an amazing organ meat dinner with my bro. Organ meat dinner. And then we got naked, and we just chilled in my bed and watched some Obi-Wan Kenobi.

And we basically just held each other's mushrooms and kind of just like massaged the heart meridian. Because in Chinese medicine, at least in classical chinese medicine penis is the outermost extension of the heart especially that heart meridian let's see if i can show this to you right here heart meridian this is a diagram in terms of penis reflexology it's a little bit blurry but you can basically see there's all like the pineal gland is right before the urethra uh the heart is all about the fire element yeah small intestine as well stores self-hatred cruelty and impatience so basically we massaged each other's heart meridians to help release self-hatred while cuddling and watching obi-wan kenobi they would also suck each other's nipples and share each other's beds before battle.

Oh, threw that last one in there. They would also suck each other's nipples and share each other's beds before battle. Our Celtic ancestors. Dude, anytime someone, anyone brings up Celtic ancestors, they're gone, bro. They are gone. Cuddled in bed with a guy and rubbed each other's mushroom meridians. Rubbed each other's mushroom meridians and

watched the new Obi-Wan Kenobi on Disney Plus. Hey, guy. You're gay. And that's okay. But if you're rubbing the heart meridians, if you're rubbing the heart, Marinians, if you're rubbing the outermost area

of the heart, according to ancient China, you're gay! And that's all right. But also, let me go one further. If you're watching Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're gay. Star Wars shit is over.

It stopped. After Jar Jar Binks, we were done. Okay? Like Marvel movies. Okay? They made Moon Knight. Bye-bye. Basically, it's just Disney Plus is ruining everything.

Okay, the guy cuddled in bed and rubbed. It's amazing. And, you know, this guy goes on. Now, by the way, I like this guy. So you can follow him, but don't fucking make fun of him. I'll do that. Go follow him if you're interested in rubbing Cocks with another guy in a non-gay way

Only because your Celtic ancestors did it Okay I think it's a beautiful thing It stores energy and if you're splurting Too much then you get more stressed Out is what he's saying but anyway I'm going to take his Class Dude he's got so many classes And he's got codes that you can

That you can pay for. I'm going to pay for his shit. I should go. Dude, this guy's incredible. A lot of breath work with his fucking anal plug-in. Wow. Hey, you know what? Anyone happy?

Good on you, man. This is cool. I like this guy, but it's incredible. What's up, yogis? You know, a lot of guys have this fear that they're gay, man this is cool i like this guy but it's incredible and that's being caused largely by atrazine and glyphosate it's it's not that there's anything unnatural about same-sex erotic bonding but what's happening is our psyches know that our procreative urge is being dampened down and that sucks there's nothing more juicy than being a virile stag-like minotaur man who can you know please women and ravish the ladies so when that feeling comes back in full force through superfood nutrition sex kung fu and detox as well as transmutation and

semen retention you just see human retention and then the gay panic goes away. There's nothing wrong with same-sex erotic bonding, but there's something very wrong about having your sex desire to procreate be pinched off by chemicals that they put in the food and the pharmaceuticals. Oh, wow. academy at the end what is this world dude at the end head on over to onlyfans.com dude and watch me fucking sit on my anal plug and breathe anyway not gay dude the guys got the hottest chick I'm not fucking around this is pictures of him with the hottest chick it's unbelievable dude

bro what the fuck this world's crazy dude imagine like somebody from 1940 that like was like already gonna like a 60 year old from 1940 just all of a sudden being alive today they'd be like alive today, they'd be like, what?

About anything. They'd be like, what? Dude, holy shit, man. So anyway, it's not gay to fuck a guy.

And that sucks that people fear it's gay. And I'm not gay. Anyway, send, go over to my only fans. If you're a guy, especially, and let's not be gay together.

Ejaculation ritual, you know, semen retention. Fucking semen retention. I don't understand this I mean I this is the thing about Roe vs. Wade since we're talking about it first of all the outrage of everything is always so annoying

no matter what I don't care I don't care if they're beheading white people just chill everybody online you're not doing anything okay obviously because guess what happened it got overturned so it's not working what you're doing and um it's so annoying that people think that they can just scream and make it better and you can't you just can't okay cops still killing people uh unjustly and also uh there are great cops out there and you're not going to change just by screaming okay and also they overturn roe versus wade but um i

don't like when people say roe v wade just say versus you know you're making it shorter okay but fucking at least give it some respect so um you know, the protests I saw downtown, um, I mean, Nancy Pelosi wrote, read a poem in reaction to overturning Roe versus Wade. So that's too much. Don't write, don't ever, you know what's done? Poetry. Yep.

And I know people that are my friends that we've been mad at me for saying it, but poetry. Dude, we have like VR headsets now, you know? So, um, times move on and poetry is done. But there's, I'm looking at this one guy who had a sign, who made you the coochie boss? Okay. And then this one by Dougoug ducey i am

proud that uh he's a um what do you call it a fucking political dude i am proud that arizona has been ranked the most pro-life state in the country here we will continue to cherish life and protect it in every way possible and then some chick wrote your son made me take plan b after we hooked up but carry on so much wrong with the world. I wonder if that's true or not, dude. That's gangster for her to tweet that. Yeah, you know, I just, it's so weird. Here's the thing. I know the Supreme Court, what was it, five to four?

I don't know what the fuck it was. Six to three? Like, I know that those people said most of them believe pro-life and shit, but people got stuff on them you know what i mean like everyone's being blackmailed at the top there's no fucking way that that people aren't being blackmailed at the top that's how you get to the top blackmail you know you you have blackmail on people or you blackmail people at the top tippy top i'm talking about dude um like there's p tapes with donald trump people got shit on Bill Clinton, whatever the fuck it is.

And so fucking this thing is what they believe six versus three. But if you talk to anybody else, that's not them. Most of the people are going to say people should be able to do what they want. Also, when it comes to themselves, they should be able to do what they want and they know that. So, you know, this is going to have a huge effect on America, obviously, because there's going to be people that are born.

It's going to fuck up the system. We're going to have the unwanted babies and those unwanted babies that grow up, the people who voted for the pro-life, they're not going to give a fuck about them at that point because that's how it goes now i am a fucking staunch republican but i will say i will say that dude because you know you pushed your boy on over right you pushed me on over all right so i So I am a staunch Republican, dude. I don't even know what staunch means, but I heard it. And I will tell you, dude, you know, this is crazy, dude. People are just going to drive.

Now more people are going to drive to California to try and get abortion. It could be more people in California. More mattresses are going to be on fire in the middle of the street. It could be so fucking annoying, dude. in California. More mattresses are going to be on fire in the middle of the street. It could be so fucking annoying, dude. Now, because fucking, you know, what's it going to be? Arizona and Utah, they're going to be fucking, nope, you got to have it. Someone raped you. Doesn't matter. Still got to have a baby. Incest doesn't matter. Still got to have that baby. It's going to come out all lumpy. Doesn't matter. And have it come, and then we won't give a fuck about it. How about that?

Or they're just going to be driving to fucking California or wherever the fuck. I don't know what states are doing it or what, but they say the slippery slope argument, and that's a real thing, dude. That's a real thing, whether you want to believe it or not, but it's a slippery slope. Pretty soon, we're going to be in The Handmaid's Tale, and I'm going to be that dude that's like, yeah, okay, well, I'm going to be Ralph Fiennes in it. I stopped watching The Handmaid's Tale. It was i'm gonna be ray fines in it i stopped watching the handmaid's tale it was too dramatic have some jokes in it dude i just think that this fucking i'm i'm kind of scared for people you know i'm scared for for women that they don't want to have

it just i don't know man pop star pink demands, pro-life Americans never fucking listen to my music again. Not how it works. The most not how it works thing, dude. You know? And then a guy named Gunther tweeted it and said, okay. If you're Gunther, you're pro-life 100%. Dude, if you're my fan, listen to my stand-up, whether or not you voted either way or what you want. I don't care.

Even Clarence fucking, what's his name? I want you at my shows. Clarence Thomas. I always want to say Clarence Clemens, the fucking guy who played the sax in the fucking E Street Band. My dad would always talk about how much he liked Clarence Clemens. Then he died. Not my dad would always talk about how much he liked Clarence Clemons then he died not my dad what's his deserve it scale

oh my god it's removed. Is it? No, here it is. Wow, dude. The music. Oh, that's Titanic. Dude, how many people are in here? 50 are in a fucking monster truck with a fucking crate on it.

Look at these idiots driving look it's called monstro world gonna sink good dude wow gonna i mean do they they don't they do know that it's happening right now right they do know that they're fucked i mean oh my God, the driver, dude, is sinking. It just keeps moving forward and sinking. Oh, trying to get out. Here we go. Another one backwards. Wow, people died.

Oh my God, dude. Imagine your fucking mom is in there. Oh my God. Wow, dude. Horrible. Swimming. Wow, look at these bitches. They deserve it. And we're back. Sorry, I had to go to the bathroom. I'm getting older we're back sorry i had to go to the bathroom

getting older you know gotta sometimes go to the bathroom um yeah whoops whoops whoops but i did i did not expect to find a fence like this here i have a clip here this was sent by one of the discord people from Love Sponge on our Patreon on the Discord. Sign up for our Patreon. Send in some stuff. Like this, dude. Woman physically attracted to a fence. Fabulous.

Fabulous. Feeling the fence like it's a cock. Weird, man. How much has this girl been hurt by men, you know? That she finds a fence attractive. Sitting on the fence. Fences are such dangerous objects for me. Well, when you're sitting on them like that.

Because they are so perfect. Wow. In their geometry. I mean, sitting on it. I have to say, there is a lot of physical stuff going on right now. Yeah, no shit, man. I mean, anything fucking will make you feel good if you rub it on your genitals dude oh i love baseball cards just fucking you got a fucking ken griffey jr on your clit oh i love baseball cards just

wetting up wade boggs wetting up a fucking the third basement from the from the red socks oh yeah baseball cards are so hot just fucking rubbing a hensley mulins on your clit oh yeah i love baseball cards fucking sticking a john olerud up your twat oh fuck yeah love that a die cut fucking david cone got a die cut got an embossed die cut david cone flicking your bean oh love i love baseball cards got a fucking jay buehner got a fleer ultra jay buehner stuck in your anus oh baseball cards are amazing as you're jizzing all over a fucking Howard Johnson fucking upper deck die cut fully embossed. Fucking. You know? Oh, I don't know why I'm so attracted to baseball cards.

Said the man jacking off on a fucking Frank Thomas slugging percentage Fucking And I think that happens between human relationships as well Oh you think? I'm definitely physically attracted to this fence And I would like to get to know this fence better Can't Can't

It's a fence Dude I'd love to get this I'd love to take this fence to dinner How many? Two, please Uh Just me and my fence Wow, you are sweet

Wow, dirty talking with the fence Very, very sweet Wow It's not sweet, you know It's not sweet You know why it's not sweet, you know? It's not sweet. You know why it's not sweet? Because it's only offense. It's only sweet in the sense that it's like,

fucking, oh shit, that's sweet, bro. That was it for YouTube. If you want to catch the uncut episode, the longer episode, the extra long episode, go on over to patreon.com slash crystalia. Also, once a month month we have an extra episode on our patreon

we also do another segment called review mode which is a whole separate thing that we record where I review shit and it's a rip roaring good time dude patreon.com slash chrystalia sign on up for just six bucks a month you get all that extra stuff thanks

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