Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 261. Sup?

Episode Date: July 7, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris takes us across the pond to jolly old England where he went on his honeymoon! There was food (good and bad, like really bad), pride, and plays. Plus tears and whimpering!  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hi guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. 525,600 minutes. How about love? Dude, you know? Wow, did we have a fucking crazy week. ChrisAlea.com for tickets.

I will be in Dallas. Soon, I will be in Wichita. Soon, I will be in Atlanta. Soon, chrislea.com. For tickets, I will be in Washington, D.C. Soon, Stockton and Oakland, California, Raleigh, Savannah, Georgia, Denver, Boston. We got a bunch of dates coming up. Florida, one's in Florida, Albany, New York, one's in florida albany new york new york new york new york um start spreading the news one fires fucking text went off one fire that's the reason one fire subscribe to our channel love it if you do that you know i will tell you uh we've got we got hit with the fucking you have to sign in now to watch some of our episodes. I don't know if it's because I'm saying too many bad words or what, but it sucks, man.

So, uh, you know, last week our, our views got hit in half because of it. So we got to do the, this cult's got to do the extra work, dude. You know, you got to, we don't mind because we, we, you know, we're, we're, we're one day going to build that log cabin. So, you know, signing in isn't, isn't a big deal on YouTube because they're restricting our videos. But I will say, dude, we got to do that extra work. And you got to just text your friend. If everybody were just to text one friend, hey, check this out.

Boom. Views double. You understand? So we do the work, my babies. And if we don't, all good to oops chrisalia.com but um you know we have a we have a good time just got an alert that it's independence day today happy fourth of july but this will come out in a few days love that the fucking connection is weak on my headphones one fire but it's all good um and we're all good so um yeah dude look at that box it comes in it's

really nice look at that it just comes in. It's really nice. Look at that. It just comes in a beautiful box. It just comes in a beautiful box just like that with the beautiful. And when I say beautiful, I mean just absolutely gorgeous. Look at that beautiful box. It's an explosion from what you might not know. It's an explosion from what you might not know. The fight companion that we did went stupid viral. So we put out the oops grenade graphics and they went stupid viral.

And we put out, it features four original, oops, only audio clips. We vow to never lose the rhythm to your conversation ever again. You will never lose it. If you're talking and somebody interrupts you, you will never lose the rhythm to your conversation again. Now, these are flying off the shelves. I love the QVC shit.

They are absolutely that red button right there. It's beautiful. It's vibrant, isn't it? Double O-P-S. That is just vibrant. You go to chrislea.com while supplies last. Tired of your friends always interrupting you? Well, there you go.

Those days are over. Those days are... They're done.'re done do we have can we get they're always we are you tired of your friends always interrupting you do we have can we talk do you have can we we can make them for just 15 can we okay we can't go lower actually They won't let us Apparently it's a Can we Okay Um Whenever they look back

On the things When they're selling shit The guy's just literally Going like this Can we Okay we can't Okay Can we do

You know what we're gonna do We're gonna do One easy payment Screaming Fifteen dollars That's what we're gonna do One easy payment Screaming $15 That's what we're gonna do It's like that Austin Powers

I cannot control this head of my voice So anyway dude And we got the Patreon firing in all syllables Go on over to patreon.com So it's great Pride month is over always feels funny when all those fucking companies are like Alright never mind our real logo Never mind

Our real logo We don't care that We do it for bags But that was cute Here's our real logo Back it's black and white again now It's just blue now Now it's just red

It's orange and that's it It's one of the again now. It's just blue now. Now it's just red. It's orange and that's it. It's one of the colors of the rainbows. Pride month is over. I love that day that everyone just fucking is like, all right, just fucking straight up June 1st. Just everything gets a little less colorful. And so that sucks, dude.

Honestly, that pride month is over because I fucking missed it, dude. I wanted to decorate so badly and I just fucking missed it, dude. Fuck, man. Dude, I was going to fucking decorate so much. I was going to put rainbows all over and I fucking missed it. Now it's too goddamn late, dude.

So if you're with me, dude, I get it, man. I was going to fucking decorate my whole house god damn it i was gonna pass out fucking flyers i fucking missed it dude i guess i'll wait till next year i was at the fucking um air we went to fucking london dude we went to london oh shit dude we fucking We went to London. Oh, shit, dude. We fucking absolutely went to London. We infiltrated London.

That's what we did. Oh, fuck. We were two Americans infiltrating London. Oh, shit, dude. Ah, we saw Big Ben. Oh, shit. We saw it from the plane and we saw it from the London Eye.

Oh, for fuck's sake. We also saw it from the ground. Oh, God. They saw it three different ways. Jesus Christ. They saw it from above, oh god they saw it three different ways jesus christ they saw it from above from below and absolutely in the middle oh for fuck's sake dude that's just absolute but we saw big ben and b guess what we learned big ben doesn't even fucking refer to the clock it refers to whatever something bullshit inside the clock oh for fuck's sake and he saw it from all different angles and even though he saw it from all different angles kristen kept saying look and he and he did every time oh god damn it even though he saw it he

kept getting the fucking hey look but it's all good dude we took to london i and that was the most touristy shit we did too uh we went to london and i got to the airport and um they fucking canceled we were in that american Airlines thing That just canceled all of our flights This is going to be the best episode ever dude I have so much to talk about I can't wait to get it We have a lot to discuss Like when news

When fucking programs You know we got a lot to discuss here And then they just talk about like Rihanna's dress You know I can't wait to get into this actually Because we have a lot to go over The guy who hosts fucking Whatever that show is what was he wearing um so uh uh blake well who's the country singer the fucking guy blake shelton the most fucking he's never felt a level of insecurity at all just always fucking just like what oh who cares man they don't like me that's great

you don't like this outfit oh shit man whatever maybe i'll wear it again maybe i won't you know fucking you know if i guess if i want to i will i don't know fuck how much has he fucked eight women um in his life um so, yeah, dude. So the guy says, so I get to the airport. American Airlines was just, all of a sudden they go, flight's canceled.

Great. So we go online. What do we do? No, wait, sorry. We were at the airport and the flight got canceled. Kristen goes, hey, look, look what happened.

She got a text. Canceled, dude. Go to the desk. Now I'm ready. You know me, I'm rip roaring, right? You know me, I'm rip roaring. I She got a text. Canceled, dude. Go to the desk. Now I'm ready. You know me. I'm rip-roaring, right? You know me. I'm rip-roaring.

I'm ready to go. But she says, come. You know, maybe this is going to be a good. She's got this new saying that is like an old saying that's like good news, bad news, who knows? Bad news, good news, who knows? And they're like, sometimes bad news is good news. You just have no fucking idea. And I'm like, okay, fair enough, you know?

So I go up and, dude, the guy couldn't have been nicer and i kept it cool and he couldn't have been nicer the guy at jet blue it's called jet blue why or some bullshit or freaking why why it's called like jet blue it's like a station of jet blue that they have where you go when everything's fucked up it's not called like you like uh customer service they call it some shit like why did this happen or something jet blue how come i don't even know what it's called jet blue oops it's called fucking i don't know what it is but we went to the desk and this lady did the thing where even though i was first she cut a line and it was fine whatever because everyone's all fucked and i was like what are we gonna do dude and we had a layover in jfk and instead dude they gave us a fucking straight shot, dude. They made up for it. Straight shot, baby.

So we did it. Got to London. In the airport, dude, I was in the airport and I was like, I'm going to go get some water. And I go to get a fucking, I could get that smart water, you know? So the guy at the thing, he was like this dude that was making so many jokes to people. And he says to me, I get there and he says, now has anyone told you? And I go, here we go. Here we go. And it's all good. This is the life that I lead. Here we go. And he says, has anyone told you something you don't know before?

And I said, it was one of those sentences that it felt like, oh, oh, okay. So this is not, okay. Somebody, whoops, somebody stole my brain. I'm just, what's going on? I'm looking for my brain. Because here's the thing, that sentence Is one of those things that like You know when you look at those paintings with the artists And they do paintings of

Somebody with two sets of eyes and you're like Are there Is there one What if It's like a thing If you look up an artist who puts Two sets of eyes, like one right on top of each other It's just, it's like a thing. Like if you look up an artist who puts two sets of eyes, like one right on top of each other, it's like a fucking, some artist does that. And you look at them and you're just like, is it?

And you know, there's four eyes, but you're still like, there's two. Wait, it's my mind is just, or like, they'll have like, does this shape fit in this thing or this thing? And you're like, well, that one's way smaller, but it fits in both. And you're like, but, that one's way smaller, but it fits in both. And you're like, but how does... What is it? And it's like an optical illusion, but for words he did it. He did an...

This motherfucker did an optical illusion with words, dude. He says, has anyone told you something you don't know before? And at first I think, well... Uh... Yeah. you don't know before? And at first I think, well, yeah. Because all that would be is like, hey, you know,

flounders have two eyes on only one side of their body and no eyes on the other. Oh, that's something I didn't know before somebody told me that or I read it. So yes. But then I think, but the only answer to that is yes. Because no matter who you are, somebody's told you something you don't know

before. So it can't be what he means, right? Unless somebody stole my brain and I just can't figure it out. So instead, I feel like I realize the only thing that I can possibly say to this man is what? Because then surely he'll clear it up. So he says to me, has anyone told you something you don't know before? so he says to me has anyone told you something you don't know before and then i quickly assess the situation with the brain that is still in my head and i hit him with what and then he says has anyone told you something you don't know before so now i'm fucked because he doubled down this is what he meant but surely he's behind a counter so he deals with people and deals with things and situations so he's capable i guess and I'm just holding the fucking smart water and so I say well what do you mean and he says you really resemble Keanu Reeves and I say, oh, yeah, well, I have heard that before, and he says, yeah, and I said, well, that's not so bad.

He's cool, and he says, yeah. Hey, guy, just tell me I look like Keanu Reeves. Has anyone told you something? That's like when my friend walked up to this fucking chick, and he meant to say, like, hey, have we met before or something or whatever? And he, instead he wrote, he,

he, he walked up to her and said, do you know who I am right now, dude? And we never forgot it, man. Do you know who I am right now? Ha ha ha.

Jake, but also I'm always Jake. Um, dude, I went into the pool the other day. I feel like, here's the thing, dude,

I have an assistant and some, and she uses our pool sometimes, which is fucking radical. I love it. Cause the pool the other day. I feel like, here's the thing, dude. I have an assistant and she uses our pool sometimes, which is fucking radical. I love it because the pool gets use. And she told me that the fucking pool guy was like, oh, there's a shortage on chlorine. And like, whatever, dude. There's always a shortage on everything now ever since COVID.

And they making it up half the time, you know? They're making it up. They'll be like, there's a shortage on fucking there's actually a shortage on coca-cola or fucking water you know and you're like really yeah there's a shortage on cardboard boxes ever since you can't get anything if you want to get so there's a shortage on chlorine so i just got to take it because i don't know what am i going to pretend i know more about pools than this motherfucker so i'm like okay well when when can we get it and he's like probably a month or two i said can we swim in our pool and he says sure it's fine it's not a big deal and it's gonna have like a big party and

just don't shit in it and i say well you know about the anus thing like sometimes just with your anuses if you got a little diarrhea in it on your ink sometimes the anus has shit pebbles on it you can't help it and then it's just in the pool what if it's in there and he goes well it's fine you know just don't be shitting in the pool so i'm like all right cool we won't shit in the pool but i have a two-year-old i gotta make sure he's not shitting in the pool So I'm like alright cool we won't shit in the pool But I have a two year old I gotta make sure he's not shitting in the pool And we get fucking you know We all get fucked up but I get in the pool

And I get in the pool with Calvin the next day boom I wake up My uvula's swollen Yes dude Yes My uvula is swollen Now does that sound For those of you that don't know what a uvula is Does it sound like something that resides in a pussy

Of course it does Is it? No It's the back thing in the shit That hangs out from the back of your shit Okay In the mouth When you All the cartoons

When they go Ah And the camera looks in it And you see that uvula dangling That little fucking That fucking What do you call it The

The boxing Fucking The speed bag That little speed bag in the back of your mouth That's called a uvula. It doesn't reside in a pussy, it resides in your mouth. The only time it resides in a pussy I guess is when someone's

being bored because they have a uvula in their mouth. But anyway, too far. But anyway, so, well, this is going to be restricted, this video. But it's all good, my baby. Share it with somebody. Share it with somebody. But that was also medical and science.

And this is a uvula. And they do reside where I said before. If they didn't catch me the first time. But they resided where they said before. Where I said before. So, I get out of the pool. The next day I wake up, swollen uvula. Yes, dude.

Fuck yeah, man. Whoa. And I say to my assistant, great. I got a fucking thing from the algae in my pool. And she's like, she laughs, you know, because she knows me. She's like, you didn't get a fucking thing from the algae in your pool. And I was like, okay, well, I'm just saying, dude, they got a chlorine shortage and the fucking pool guy's being lazy and he can't hook us up with the chlorine shit.

It's like, it's crack cocaine. We got to find a new guy, a new dealer, and we can't get it in the chlorine shit. It's like, it's crack cocaine. We got to find a new guy, a new dealer and we can't get it in the pool. And, uh, she's like, it's fine. So, okay. So a few weeks go by, I get in the pool again, dude, the day before we go to London, I wake up. Fuck yeah, dude. Got a speed bag in the back of my mouth again.

Swollen uvula time, baby. Swollen fucking uvula time, dude. Swollen fucking uvula time, dude. This time, it's fat as shit, dude. This time, I can lay it flat on the back of my tongue. It looks like Jabba the Hutt, okay? Your boy's got a swollen uvula. It's disgusting. But I go, okay, last time it lasted a day.

Let's hope it only lasts a day because then I'm going to be nervous about bringing covid to fucking all the people who fucking you know because your boy went to london i got fucking covid i'm spreading covid all around different angles of fucking pig pen you know what that won't die right the next day i wake up uvula's gone so she says and all of a sudden my assistant just says it's not the pool i said, it's just a coincidence that it happened two times. And she said, look, if it happens four times, then it maybe is your pool. And I was like, what the fuck? You're just making some shit up willy nilly. She's like four times means that.

So I'll let you know next two times. If I got a fucking speed back, that's just relaxing on the back of my tongue, dude. Like job of the hut. After I get out the pool because chlorine, there's a chlorine shortage. I don't know. It's like, has anyone told you something that you don't know before? So, uh, that's, what's been happening in my life. And then I get to the fucking thing and there's a flight delay, dude. And I'm at the flight delay and do check this out. They got, we, I told you, we got the straight shot, But so I had a first, the first leg of my shit was

the guy was so helpful, dude. He was super helpful. The first leg of my shit was LA to JFK. And then the second, and that was JetBlue. Mint, we sit back, we relax, we have a good time. We go horizontal. If I can't go horizontal in a flight,

I ain't going, all right? Yeah, it costs bags, but dude. Okay. There's a difference between being uncomfortable when you arrive and fucking being super spry and cool and keeping it nice and in a good mood because you laid horizontal. Right. So we get all the way to JFK. We land and then we got to board an American Airlines flight from JFK to Heathrow.

All right. Okay. Now, all the American Airlines, there's something happened with their computer, and overnight, they canceled 12,000 flights in June or July. 12,000 flights in July. They just canceled them. Got all fucked up. We all had to rebook. So I go to the fucking JetBlue,

oopsie daisy, or whatever the fuck the thing is called. Did you look it up what it's called? JetBlue, how come? JetBlue, oops. JetBlue. Gink, gink, gink. Wow, that's what the sign says.

Gink, gink, gink, oops. So I get to the thing, and he's like, okay, so the flight's canceled. We're going to miss our connection. So what do we do? And I'm ready for him. So this is your fault.

So what do we do? And he says, oh God. And I go, great. And he says, we don't have another flight to London for another two days. And I say, well, at that point, we'll just have to come back around immediately. So what are we going to do? And he says, let me look. You know what I can do?

You know what? It's a connecting flight let me actually see if i can call them to in jfk to hold the flight until you land and i say what and he says so in some cases i i'm able to call and have them hold up a plane if you're not going to make a connection or something like that. And I'm like, is this a famous thing or? He says, sometimes we can do it. And I say,

and it's like legal and you guys can actually do this? You've done it before? And he says, oh yeah. And I'm like, oh, airlines are full of shit sorry we can't open the door you're late oh no you're full of shit i just found out dude because some really nice gay man behind the fucking jet blue oopsie daisy station told me

that you can hold up a fucking flight just cause. Oh, sorry. We closed the door. Oh, no, no, no, no. Have you ever been to JetBlue, Oopsy Daisy and LAX and Terminal 5? No, you haven't talked to the very nice gay man probably and ask him to hold up the plane. Open the door. I don't know if you know that they can do that,

but they can do that, dude. And then I came back and asked my assistant about it. Cause she used to be a flight attendant and she said, yes, they can do that. And I go, where's everyone hiding this information, dude. It's bullshit. So I got on the plane. Straight shot. He got us a straight shot.

So now we're on the plane. 10 and a half hours. I watch movies, bro. I'm so excited to watch movies and just do nothing. Lay horizontal and watch fucking movies. Bro, I watch bad movies. Good. I watch bad movies. Pretty much only bad movies. I saw, what did I see? I saw one night in Soho, which is Edgar Wright movie. Um, I love Edgar Wright movies. This one wasn't for me. I saw, oh dude, I saw two

other movies, Eternals, which by the way, I know it bombed, I guess, but I, I, I saw two other movies. Eternals, which, by the way, I know it bombed, I guess, but it's definitely one of the better Marvel movies. And let me tell you another thing, too. That dude, Kumail, is my favorite. He is my favorite comedic actor. He's my favorite comedic actor. I want to say he's my favorite actor, but I've never seen him do like fucking, like King speech shit. I've only seen him be like kind of funny

and shit. That dude is so funny. That dude nails comedy and movies. It's he is so good. Kumail is my favorite comedic actor, period. That guy is so good in movies. I love that motherfucker. Okay. If I see, you know you know i'm gonna watch any movie he's in now that's that's i'm gonna watch it he's my new fucking um michael douglas or lee you put michael douglas in a movie bro it could be about anne frank and he'll play the lead and i'll watch that shit you put liam neeson in a movie you put that cock nose motherfucker in a movie, your boy will wait till it comes out on DVD and fucking put it in his tray or whatever streaming, you know, I'll get fucking Roku for it. I'll watch every, I seen every Liam Neeson movie, bro. I just watched

black light or whatever the hell that movie was terrible, dude. They phone it in, dude. They should honestly make a Liam Neeson movie called phone in the phone in. And he's just like, he's just running after bad guys. And you don't even know what they did. Cause basically that's where they're at already. You don't even know where they did. And like, like, like they, honestly, they should kidnap the bad guy should kidnap somebody. And then he should be like, I've got to get the girl.

And then halfway through, I think he should switch to calling them bank robbers, even though they didn't rob a bank. And like, just be like, we got to get the money back. And then the girl disappears. You're not in it anymore. And then at the end, he gets all the money back. And like, keep some for the wife that's dying. Like, slides her off some shit to get an operation. And you just don't give a fuck because it's called the phone-in.

And every other line is, I guess. I don't know. I don't really remember. I didn't read the script really. Sure. Most of the lines are, sure. Let's get him. And so I watched Eternals and it was fucking, you know, one of the better Marvel movies.

And then I watched The Green Knight, dude. Sup? Hey, I watched that movie that Hollywood loved, The Green Knight. Hey. Boots. Wow, didn't even mean to. Hey, didn't even mean to hit the button. Hey, I watched The Green Knight that the fucking Academy lauded. Hey, didn't even mean to hit the button. Hey, I watched The Green Knight that the fucking Academy lauded.

Hey, sup? Dude, I saw The Green Knight with that guy, Dev Patel or whatever, from Hereditary. And they fucking put him in it. The guy's fucking, he's playing a white guy. He's Indian. Dude, whatever. Got no problem with that. One equal opportunity for everyone.

But saw the movie and got one quest. Sup? That movie, man. Did you see it? Oh, man. I was halfway through getting mighty pissed off. Just like, sup? Sup sup i'm watching the movie sup dude sup i'm watching a movie i'm like fucking nicholas cage in that one scene that he

ad definitely ad-libbed in in the fucking movie that was remade by uh the one that used to be harvey kytel bad lieutenant or whatever and now now he remade it and it's nicholas cage he walks into the guy and he keeps saying, sup, sup, sup. The guy's trying to do his lines and Nicolas Cage is like, sup, dude, that's me watching Green Knight. Because Hollywood. Sup. Dude, I mean, in the movie, dude. All right, so look, I'm watching a movie and I'm going to get to the London trip.

I'll get to it, dude. Because boy, do I have some good shit about that. And this podcast might be extra long. But dude, I'll get to it. So boy do i have some good shit about that and this podcast might be extra long but dude i'll get to it but so i'm watching the green knight dude and in the beginning dude it's king arthur who's white and then he's got a nephew that's indian for some reason or whatever it is don't mean to be racist but i just said i like kumail so it's all good dude sup now i'm watching the fucking green knight and dev patel or whatever his fucking name is um that sounds like a color in a crayola box his name oh can you get me the dev patel

please the burnt dev patel and so uh so so i get the fucking uh i'm watching the movie and Dev Patel's there and King Arthur is like dying. He's playing somebody who definitely played a James Bond villain. No question, dude. No question. This guy played a James Bond villain, whoever the King Arthur guy is. And all he does is talk because he's dying or whatever, a British and, uh, Dev Patel comes and it's Christmas and they're all making merry which is a phrase that fucking went out

which we gotta bring back dude and while they're eating making merry they're in a circular table and then this fucking green tree giant knight comes in on a fucking

green horse with a green axe and a branch now I'm like okay but i'm like hey hollywood and all righty i'm like okay i'm in dude i'm in i'm in right you got king arthur he's probably a james bond villain and then you got an in like a fucking not a white nephew and it's why but also i'm in dude and then a tree guy walks in on a horse that's also green and i'm like this now this is my kind of motion picture right i'm not yet at this hey hollywood sup level i'm not there yet right so the green giant fucking the green knight comes in and says whatever he says this is the gist of it.

He says, you know, because it's all British and shit and it's all, it's almost like they're talking like Shakespeare and I'm just like, I don't even know what they're saying. But I happen to know because I'm just horizontal in a pod, right? At the fucking JetBlue shit. And I'm watching the thing. So I'm really paying attention. There's nothing else going on. So the green knight guy says on. So, uh, the green knight guy says to the fucking dev,

no, no. He says to King Arthur, one of your men, basically I, he's, I will, can we do a game?

You know, it's like fucking saw that. Can we play a game? And King Arthur was like, as long as it's fun and it's not, you're not coming for any ill will. And the guy's like, no, I want to, I want to do a game. And so he's like, okay. And he's like, as long as it's fun and you're not coming for any ill will. And the guy's like, no, I want to do a game.

And so he's like, okay. And he's like, any one of your guys can strike me with their sword. And the only thing I ask, however they strike me, I return the favor in 12 months. And it's like, just say a year, but I get get it back then you had to be more descriptive but okay but i'm like wow what a stupid fucking game and the guy traveled how long to come do this and he's a tree so i'm not yet at sup level i'm not yet asking hollywood hey hollywood sup i'm in but where's this going dude right okay where's it going so King Arthur says does any one of my men want to partake in this game and make merry and I'm like okay and then Dev Patel jumps in didn't meet you know nobody saw this coming because he was like he's like a

20 year old or some shit and all the men were like maybe I'll do it and Dev Patel's like a 20-year-old or some shit. And all the men were like, maybe I'll do it. And Dev Patel's like, I'll fucking do it. And he comes in. And the fucking tree guy just kneels on the fucking ground. And Dev Patel's like, you sure you don't want to fight? And the tree guy's like, do your worst. And fucking Dev Patel laps his head off, dude. So now I'm like, I'm in, man. I'm so focused. It's like I took ginkgo fucking blow but in this

pod okay so i'm watching in the airplane and i'm horizontal watching this shit and i'm just you know there's a little bit of turbulence but i'm watching the green knight and i'm like oh wow wow this is really fucking interesting and it's so odd and I can't believe I'm not asking a Hollywood sup yet. Hello. Hi, how much longer till we get there? So now I'm like, sup with this shit. But the Green Knight isn't falling down. He's staying on his knees.

So I'm like intrigued. You know? And the turbulence lightens up. Okay. All right. All right. Okay. And the green knight gets up with no head.

He stands up. Like it's a chicken. He just stands up. Like I don't need a head. He stands up like it's a chicken. He just stands up like, I don't need a head, like a chicken when you lop it off and they run around, they're just like, what head? And he picks up his head and the head says, meet me in 12 months. Ha ha ha ha. And he gets on his green horse and rides away. So I'm like, hmm, I guess I'm in. Better not unravel, but I'm in. You wound it so tight. I'm in.

Where are we going? So then halfway through the movie, Dev Patel's like, guess I gotta go. You know what I mean? He's like saying to Arthur, should I go do this game? Do you think he meant it? And Arthur's like, I don't know. It's only for you to find out. And I'm just like, don't go. Your head's gonna

get lopped off. He obviously knows magic because he walked around and picked up his head and left and went to his green chapel that you got to meet him at and so he's like but it's honorable to go and dev patel's like fuck yeah i'm gonna go and he goes dude and the whole movie is about him going for six days six nights to try and get to the green chapel he just meets different people and shit he meets somebody that robs him he meets giants that are just walking and i'm talking about uh attack on

titan giants and he's like where are you going and the giant is like and just keeps walking and it's just having these scenes around like willy-nilly and at this point i'm like sup okay and i google it because i got the wi-fi it's free at jet blue and i find out it was a fucking poem that was written in the year 1400 or whatever the and i'm like oh dude you're gonna make a movie that was written by some jerk off in the year 1400 and it was just a poem taking so much liberty i started reading the poem i didn't even know what it meant it was just a poem taking so much liberty I started reading the poem I didn't even know what it meant and I'm like give me a break dude

and at this point I'm looking at Hollywood and I'm like sup and everyone's pretending to like it because Dev Patel's in it and he's the hot new thing and I'm like sup though man and it got nominated for like 20 different awards and I'm like sup sup, though, man?

Not just the BAFTA? Sup? No, we don't watch this movie. So that's my review of The Green fucking Night. I give it 10 sups. I listened to so many fucking breakdowns of the movie afterwards, man. It really made me question things.

And I know that people say, well, I don't know, a piece of art, a good piece of art makes you talk about it. I'm like, all right, cool, whatever. Dude, but still. Stop. Make movies that just make sense or kind of don't make sense.

Or if you don't, you better nail it. You better David Lynch that shit, dude. Or if you don't, you better nail it. You better David Lynch that shit, dude. So we got to London. Checked into that Londoner hotel. Londoner. London, huh? Checked in and they were just like,

Hi, how's it going? We're like, cool. We liked the hotel. It was nice as shit. And it was pride there, by the way, still. Which I don't understand. I know there's a fucking time delay or some shit. We were jet lagged and I was like, I don't know.

But so many just proud gays just walking around which is great and uh we get there and he's like so that's my stank and i'm like great dude we travel 11 hours i have to watch the fucking goddamn green knight and he's just like uh let me try and fix it could just hang out at the cafe for a second. I'm like, sure, you know, I fucking love cafes. So I sat there, he came back and was like, we fixed it, don't worry. And that's all in us, we made a mistake, don't worry. And so we got to the room and it was nice.

And, you know, we set up some dinners and shit. And let me tell you something about the food in London. Now I shit on it before in my podcast plenty of times because food in london as a general rule basically sucks but we went to some restaurants that were like the top-notch restaurants and they were fucking absolutely banging dude like just great just amazing and then we whenever we would be like, oh, let's get, let's pop in here and get something to eat.

It was like eating a fucking, like I might as well have been eating fabric. Like, I don't understand if you just go to some restaurant, it's like someone just fucking lowers your jaw and bottoms out inside you. lowers your jaw and bottoms out inside you. Just like, it's like someone goes, can you sit? Just, and then let me just, let me just get there. So your nose is right on the bottom of my anus. And then here, lower your, here, I'll just grab your jaw and open it. And then just, just in, down your, and they ride your face and they're just like attaboy here we go all right cool that'll be 25 pounds i mean they just it's like they just shit down your throat

and you just take it and you pay for it like whatever their version of sweet greens is forget it it. Like whatever their version of sweet greens is, forget it. Just straight down your fucking... You're trying to get away there. Keep the nose

right at the back of my anus. And yeah, but the top notch restaurants, like we went to Cafe Mario. Mario, I say, because I'm from Jersey, was great. We went to another place called Above at Hyde, which they were like, do you want this five-course meal or the seven-course? There's only two things you can order. They were like, do you want the five-course meal or the seven-course

meal? And I'm like, well, you're going to fucking ask this in front of my girl. I mean, come on, dude. Slide me a note. Girl. I can eat what you say. So I'm going to take, I'm going to bitch out. I'm going to do the, you get some little disrespect. I mean, yeah.

She's a fucking Prada outfit. Like, how am I going to... Five? Like, are you... Do you have a nine-course meal? I want that one. Give me the seven-course meal twice. I want 14 courses.

So I say seven, and I say it with... Because I'm like, dude, you're not going to... This is in front of my girl. Seven. She says, okay. Here we go. Hope you're're ready the shit that they fucking first of all dude one thing was like an egg with yolk in it i guess and another thing was like a bar of soap and one thing was a fucking piece of ice cream on an on an ice cube and it was just like and it was good but also relax you know these fucking restaurants but it's about an experience that's about a culinary experience yeah well make it experience fucking

really nice from my mouth and my wallet how about and i don't need to be like oh visual the visual shit give me the food you know but it was all about what it was about. And it was a beautiful time. And, you know, we laughed and, uh, so yeah, we had the seven course meal at above it hide. And, uh, we did, um, what else did we do? The fucking God, I, the night it's, I mean, the jet lag shit is unbelievable. Like it was like we landed and it was a different time.

And then we didn't know jet lag. I don't know how much of it is actual jet lag because you were in the air and those, you know, cause being jet lag is not about the time difference. It's about being up in the air and being, if you look it up,

if you Google it, I mean, someone will explain it way better than I can, but, um, there was that. And then also the time difference. So I don't know how much of it was the sleep difference or how much of it was the

fucking jet lag yeah the actual jet lag god it's so hot in here um but uh i finally would like fall asleep and then like when i would wake up in the middle of night it wouldn't be like regular waking up like what it would be like bing like that I would wake up in the middle of the night, it wouldn't be like regular waking up like, what? It would be like, bing, like that. And I would look and I would be, I was asleep for two hours and I'm like, should I get up or not even knowing what time it is. But the worst part about the fucking thing was like the bathroom that they had was just, it was one of those bathrooms that was like way too nice that it was annoying. Like the toilet, like the second you walk into the bathroom, the toilet goes. And like, sometimes you go to the bathroom not to even use the toilet. Sometimes you want to brush your teeth or wash your hands or just take a break.

So that's fine when you walk about because you're already awake because it goes. But then you can't close the top without forcing it. So you'd leave it and then you'd go back in bed and like two minutes later, it would go. And you're like, I'm already fucking asleep again. And then it would like refresh two minutes even later than that. And it was like, dude, have a toilet be a toilet. That's one of those inventions. That's just fine.

I don't need an extra apparatus that comes out and sprays my asshole. I understand that bidets are beautiful, but dude, you can keep that shit. I just want to take dumps and roll out. I just want to take dumps and roll out. Transformers. More dumps than meets the eye. Autobots and Decepticons and do-do-do and brr

more than meets the eye um yeah so honestly don't work on any toilets anymore ever

toilet companies until you can create something where you don't have to get up to go. You can just, like, poop in the bed, and then it just goes away, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Thanks, Kohler. You just go, where is it? Kohler.

That's a commercial. Baby, I love you so much. It's in bed, post-coital. Oh, I love you so much is in bed post coital oh i love you too hey where'd it go kohler hey it's not wet kohler um we did uh the london eye which is whatever you don't have to go do that it's just you know it's one of those things like in the 80s or 90s, it was cool. But like now it's like, there's so many pictures on Google.

It's like views aren't the thing to me. Like views. Views are beautiful, but how long you stay looking at a view? Three, four seconds. And then you could be like, all right, I saw it. I was here. I did it. And then I could go look at it online if I want to.

Right. So we were at the London Eye, which is a circular Ferris wheel that goes way too slow. And I know that's the point, but also make it go faster. I get the idea by four minutes in and it lasts 30 minutes, dude. And she didn't tell me until I got in

and they closed the door on the fucking pod. And I'm like, oh, 30? I haven't had coffee yet. There's a whole episode of Seinfeld with the commercials. So we did it. It was nice.

It was romantic. And, you know, she kept saying, where's fucking Buckingham Palace? And I was like, right there. And she was like, where? There. And she was like, I don't know. And then all of a sudden, halfway through, she's like, oh, there's Buckingham Palace. And I was like, am I not here?

Oh, I'm not here. Pinpoint to it. I said it's beyond the fucking shitty lake um but it was beautiful and we had a nice time and she drank out of a cup with a straw and this cup had tits on it so i was so it's all good dude got a picture of it british people think that's fucking hilarious i guess i don't know oh the fucking highlight of the trip dude which i forgot i couldn't even the highlight of the fucking trip dude this is the highlight of the trip okay kristin is like i got tickets to see a play

and i said which which what play and she says, Harry Potter. Of course she says Harry Potter because she's her and she loves Harry Potter and she loves every movie that's magical. Fantastic Beasts, seen it. Harry Potter, seen it. Fucking anything with wizards or people who are shorter than normal or bigger than normal, seen it. Like Lord of the Rings, all that shit, seen it, right? I think she tried to like tell me she didn't see Lord of the Rings the other day. And I was like, I'm not buying that. And if there's too much green and brown in a movie and guys with beards she's seen it dude right and um and if there's ever a movie where a guy's like to live is to and if that's how the sentence starts she's seen it right so she's like i got tickets to harry potter and i said oh okay cool

well we'll go see it because you know i'll fucking i want to do that with you and and she says looking at her phone the day before the play and she's like oh oh huh why did i buy four tickets to harry potter and i say well i don't know you're you're dealing with it why did you buy four tickets to harry pot And she says, what? And I was like, when are you going to let me in on this? Because I don't know what's going on, but you're speaking out loud. And she was like, oh, I guess it's two parts, the play. And I'm like, these fucking play.

Like, if you know me, I'm Mr. Watch it on a home screen, right? I'm like, oh, plays? But are we in the 1600s do you know what i mean are we in 1910 like we got small boxes in our team you get up close and personal with these motherfuckers you see close-ups i watched the movie ambulance they got close-ups where you only see the dude's nose and eyes like we can see that what the dude is feeling so why would i go see a play dude right it's 2022 so you're gonna make me sit through two parts in a day like and dude so she's like well the first one is at two and the second one is at seven and i'm like how fucking long is it she's like five hours but we can't see the first one

because we got to go do the shit of the london i already booked it and i said she said do you just want to see the second half and i was like we're not gonna know what's going on and then i'm like oh yeah it doesn't matter because jk rowling's just made this shit up anyway so i'm like whatever and she's like but you know i also got tickets to see to kill a mockingbird and i'm like jesus christ these two plays are like the most playiest play shits that you could possibly see and we're gonna see british versions of this shit it takes place down south and she's like would you rather see to kill a mockingbird or just part two of harry potter and i'm like for fuck's sake dude i'd rather see harry potter but not the second part so i guess we're gonna have to see to kill a mockingbird and i'm gonna have to put on my game face and pretend like i like plays fuck Fuck it. Maybe it'll be better than

I thought. I went in with, you know what I went in with? An open mind. So I remember when I said, you know, I tried to read the book when I was a kid in high school and it was just, you know, that's just like, why are you trying to make high schoolers read that fucking book? And then we tried to watch a movie and I'm like, it's in black and white.

And I'm like, I'm not, it's just not for me. I've seen The Rock, right? So, I sit down and the theater's beautiful. I mean, it's really small and intimate and nice.

And we got great seats. She got great seats. So she canceled the Harry Potter seats and we got great seats at this To Kill a Mockingbird play. And I'm like, all right,

you know what? They're impressing me with the fucking niceness of the theater. And the theater was probably built in the year four. So, and it's still up kept, right? Like, and there's so much gold and it's got a big wooden set in the front, like right in the front, there's like this big wooden wall. And Kristen's like, is that there usually? Or do you think?

And I'm like, it's not there usually. It's fucking the set. It's going to rise. All right. And then we're going to see the other, the more set that they have. And the play did the thing that this is the most like fucking pretentious shit that a play does is right away. Tentious shit that a play does is right away. This is how you know you're in for a fucking banger of a play that no bones about it, just pretense city play. When a guy walks out before the wall rises and grabs a guitar and starts playing and I'm like, oh, just start.

When's it start? When the guy walks out or after the guy? Is this part of it or what? Start it when it starts, right? Is this going to be one of those plays where guys in the audience come from the back with lanterns, and they're like, we're looking for him, and you're like, he's over there beyond us. Why are you with us?

Did you pay $150 for a goddamn ticket go up there dude that's where you rehearse go near the guy with the fucking guitar that just literally sits there for 5 hours and plays the guitar sometimes

for background music I'm like talk about it what does he get paid 40 pounds and so the play starts and Sometimes for background music, I'm like, talk about it. What does it get paid? 40 pounds. And so the play starts and I find myself judging, you know, I'm in the biz, right? Okay, cool. I get it. I'm in it. I'll go acting in me corner, you know what I mean?

Right. But I'm judging, but I don't want to judge. I catch myself judging right away. And I'm like, all right, you know I mean right but I'm judging but I don't want to judge I catch myself judging right away and I'm like all right you know what dude stop just relax you're in a fucking building that was built in the year 11 right just chill this is beautiful it's ornate as shit these actors this is their job They've rehearsed for the shit. And it's written by Aaron Sorkin. So I'm like, all right, we know his shit. He did like the morning show or newsroom or whatever the fuck. And I'm like, all right, I'll sit down and I'll watch his shit.

And I remember I walked in with an open mind. So I had to catch myself. Okay, open-minded up. Let's keep your mind open to shit so i'm watching the thing and it's about this dude atticus finch that like is a lawyer and he wants to like help this you know the whole thing's about race i don't know how much you know about to kill a mockingbird but i guess you should or whatever people consider it you're cultured if you know what to kill a mockingbird is and uh it's about a black dude that gets on trial for raping this nine this 19 year old uh woman in in in in this play and um the uh

dad did it the the it's incest the the dad did it of the woman and he's trying to blame this black dude for it. And it took, took, takes place in like 19, whatever it is, 50, 40, 20. I have no fucking idea, but the clothes looked 40-ish, 1940-ish, 50-ish, 1950-ish. I don't know. Uh, or whatever the, it was after the slaves, whatever the fuck, I don't know. I don't know history, dude.

And, um, don't come here for history. You come here for the hard hitting facts of today. And so I'm like sitting, watching this thing and it's all about race and the racial tension in the thing. And I'm like, oh, okay. I, I get why they rewrote this for, I get it. I get why David, not David Mamet, uh, Aaron Sorkin wanted to, I get, you know, and I catch myself thinking, oh, I, yeah. Okay. Uh, it, it is. Yes. I, I know what you're doing. You're hitting me over the head with it, but okay.

I acquiesce. Yes. It is also still relevant today. This, okay, you got me, dude. You got me, right? I started judging, but now with an open mind, I'm sitting here. Okay, I've got great seats. I'm enveloped.

All right, I succumb. Hey, guys, I give up. Yes, it's unfortunate, but it's still relevant today. Okay, you win. Now that's 35 or 45 or seven hours. I have no idea about time in this play. I succumb to it. All right.

And Atticus just wants to do good, right? He wants to respect people above all. He wants to respect people no matter what their race. He even wants to respect the dad who did this shit because he doesn't want to judge anyone because he can't, what he says, crawl around inside of their skin. Now, we've all been guilty of that. Judging people. And it's what I was doing when I sat down in this theater that was built in the year 14.

That was built in the year 14. And. His kids are mad at him. Atticus's kids. Scout and Finch are mad at him. Because he's not fighting. He's not. Physically fighting.

He's not yelling. Why respect these motherfuckers if they're racist why respect these people if they want us dead and we do the intermission now there are parts of the play where i'm getting emotional but i'm keeping it as at bay right the intermission happens of course kristen has to go to the bathroom because she's a woman and their bladders are the size of a dime. And she comes back with ice cream some fucking how. They weren't even serving it. And it starts again, the second half of the play. And I'm watching the play.

And this play is now in the trial of it, right? In the thick of it. The second act. And the whole play, a lot of it takes place in the courtroom, right? And the jury is in the back of the room. Like the back, like the furthest point from us. We're watching. And I'm, as somebody who's done plays and tv and as acting in his

corner right i'm wondering why the director decided to put the jury in the back furthest part of the room because that means that the lawyers will be talking to the jury and we will be looking at their backs most of the time when they're talking to the jury. And I found that I thought interesting and I thought I judged it wrong. I thought that's wrong. Why would they do that? Why wouldn't they make us a part of the jury? We would seem like we should be more involved in this scene and all these scenes and in this play. I think it would be better.

That's me judging and there's a part where atticus finch needs to give his closing arguments and he was up all night writing his closing arguments and in the beginning of the play there's a scene where Atticus says to his client, they're going to ask you why you went in to help this 19-year-old white girl with her chores. What are you going to say? And the accused says, well, I went in because I felt sorry for her. And Atticus Finch says, never say that. That is the worst thing you could possibly say. Say she looked like she needed a hand. So later on in the courtroom scene,

and one of them, when the prosecutor is grilling this man the accused and he says why would you go in and have and help a 19 year old white girl with her chores when she has seven brothers and sisters and he says i wanted to help her uh i wanted to give her she looked like she needed a hand just what atticus said and he says oh come on why would you do this and he keeps grilling him he says i wanted to give her a hand. She looked like she needed a hand. And he keeps asking. And Atticus Fitch is like, objection. He's asked five times now.

And then the prosecutor says, why would you do this? And then the accused says, because I felt sorry for her. And boom, just like that, as an audience, we know they lost the case, right? We know, oh, shit. Why is that bad? We may or may not know. But we know that he was instructed not to do it and he did it. And now it looked like they were winning the case, but all bets are off. So Atticus Finch, before his closing arguments, decide to rewrite his closing arguments. He was up all night, you know, Scout Finch, his daughter tells us,

this is the audience, you know, hey, he was up all night and he couldn't figure it out. And right before he gives his closing arguments, he's looking at his paper and he fucking rips it up. So now, I'm like, sup? Right? But in a different way not in the same way as i saw the green knight and i was like this trite hollywood piece of shit sucks so sup what you do in hollywood i'm like in britain watching this play and i came in with kind of an open mind that started closing again and then checked myself and opened it a little bit more. And now I'm like, oh, he ripped up the paper that he rewrote all night last night because he wants to get this accused not guilty because that's truly the truth. And so now I'm like, well, sup?

And I'm involved. And so he rips up the paper and he talks to the jury. And he's talking to the jury. And his whole thing is he's saying like, you know what? Yada, yada, you know, about, uh, I was going to say this. And I was going to say that. And the truth is times are changing in this. We can start to change if you make him not guilty, because we know he didn't do this

and we know who did. And he starts going on about how the world needs to change okay and he's yelling at this jury and this is like the first time atticus finch you really see him kind of like yelling because he's a calm person the character and he's yelling at the or at the uh jury and his back is to us. And I'm still thinking, what the fuck? And he starts talking about how the world is this certain way. And he starts walking around and now he walks all the way around to the front of the stage

and he's still looking at the jury. So he's very close to us and he turns around to us as he's talking and he says now i'm already the emotions are right behind the face right and he says to as he turns around the first thing he is, we can't keep living like this. If we keep living like this and tearing each other apart, we won't be able to survive. I literally sink in my seat because I think, oh, fuck. I'm not just going to let tears out. I'm actually going to whimper because I'm like, he's talking to us, but also he's talking to me. Also, he's talking to me.

And I'm like, is this even the actor? Or is this the character? Or is this the, is this just the guy? This could be me saying this. Dude, and when I tell you I whimpered because I had to keep, I go. Like, I'm not fucking with you. I go like, like the biggest bitch in London. And he starts saying when the mob comes after you and you're and, and it's unjust.

And, and I'm, I'm a squeaky door in London, dude. And then he turns back around and starts talking. And I'm like, oh, thank God. Thank God, dude. I was going to cry so, I was going to have to grab onto the stranger next to me and just be like, is it okay? gonna have to grab onto the stranger next to me and just be like is it okay and he starts talking to the jury and now he's at the jury and he turns back to us from the back and he's saying to us you know i told him not to say he felt sorry for her. I told him to say he wanted to help her

because, uh, she looked like she could use the help. And in that moment, you talk about breaking and the prosecutor was trying to break him and trying to make him forget who he was. He says, that's what I thought that he was going to forget who he was, but he didn't forget who he was. that he was going to forget who he was, but he didn't forget who he was. He remembered. And I was like, oh, word. And the tears just went fucking. Dude, out of the cosmos. Oh, he didn't forget.

He did the exact opposite. He remembered. Are you fucking shitting me? Walls down. walls down dude I am affected I walked out of that play and when I tell you I waited at the

side door for the actors to come out to tell them thank you I don't mean i waited for a few minutes i mean i waited till they all came out dude i stayed crying the night dude oh i walked out of that theater and I walked in in a judgmental place and left and actually thought, you know what? If we all just tried a little harder, maybe we can change the world. That's what I actually thought like a bitch.

I mean, dude, if I was, I, bro, I'm a play guy. I saw that shit and that shit really affected me. I mean, dude, I get it. If I was a dictator in a country and that play came out and I was trying to control the citizens, oh dude, that would get banned immediately. I would take one look at that play and when he said he didn't forget who he was, And when he said he didn't forget who he was, he remembered. I would stand up and I would say, execute them all. There would be no more art.

I'm different now. I'm going to more plays, dude. I mean, I actually couldn't fucking believe how good that play was. And, it was the highlight of the trip, dude. I whimpered, tears came out like a fucking Japanimation cartoon.

I mean, dude, I cried like Lucy and Snoopy, you know? Mouth all open, tears fucking shooting out and uh it gave me like this new outlook on life i don't know if it's even for a little bit or what but like dude it made me think like fuck man We should all be a little bit more like Atticus Finch And then afterwards

Kristen was like We should When we have another baby The middle name should be Atticus And this was an intermission I'm like let's see how the rest of the play goes And then at the end dude With tears in my face I was just like

Atticus it is um yeah dude it was amazing so if you're in london go go see that play mate i'm not even fucking around huh hats off to rafe spall i think his name, the most British name ever, and then the young actor in it is great, the guy who played Jem, and the girl who played Scout, and just the fucking lady in it, the housekeeper in it was amazing.

Damn, she was amazing, dude. It was so good. So I'm a play guy now, dude. Well, that's it, man. I appreciate you guys listening, and we had a great time here, dude. Well, that's it, man. I appreciate you guys listening. And we had a great time here. And by we, I mean me. But God, that play.

I almost forgot to talk about it, man. August 26th, I'll be in Dallas. Wichita, I'll be there afterwards. August 27th, Atlanta, Georgia, Washington, DC, Stockton, California, Oakland, California, and a bunch of others. Crystalia.com. I got Denver and Boston and Albany. Go check it out.

Crystalia.com. And also, uh, all I got to do actually, uh, you know, subscribe to the channel and send it to somebody, dude, cause they're making you fucking sign in to watch our videos now. And so send this to somebody. This is a good episode, you know, to get them involved in. Hey, guys, that was it for YouTube. If you want to listen to the rest of the podcast or watch the rest of the podcast, go on over to our Patreon where you can watch the extended uncut version of this episode. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia.

There's also an extra episode a month and there's like 15 on there now that you can go back and binge like Breaking Bad. And there is also, what do you call it, another show that we do there on my Patreon called Review Mode, where I review different things and just a bunch of extra footage and all that. And there's a community there. We have a Discord where we talk and all that stuff. So thanks, guys.

Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Check it out. I, I, I, I, I.