Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 263. The Boys Are Back

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 👉 Thank you ShipStation. Use promo code congrats for a free 60-day trial today at shipstation.com. This week Chris checks out some slams on Tinder, ranks some videos on the deserve it scale, has a fort in his house, and gets hugged by a guy wearing cologne. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, this is a super cult production of Congratulations. Well, we're wearing a hoodie. Oh shit, he did it to him. And it's fucking summer, but it's going to be fall, isn't it? And it's going to creep up on you, isn't it? to them and it's fucking summer but it's gonna be fall isn't it and it's gonna get it's gonna creep up on you isn't it right so what you got to do is go to chrislea.com and get this motherfucker just be ready just as we're peeking into fall right just as we're opening up just oh that

oh it just got me just as we're opening the door to fall peeking through the brushes and there's fall right peeking through the brushes, and there's fall, right? And you're the first one with that fucking, oh, goddammit, periwinkle. That's what I call it, the, oh, goddammit, periwinkle, life rips hoodie. It's fucking ridiculous. And so, yeah, dude. So order it.

Crystalia.com. Goddammit, you can get the shorts too. Ah, fucking God damn it. You can get the shirt too. It's just all periwinkle. It's, it's unreal, but whatever, dude, you know, we got that and we got the oops button selling like fucking hotcakes and you know, it's Chris D'Elia.com. But we're here, man. And we're, we're smelling like cologne and I got it. I got to admit it.

I smell like cologne and I didn't mean to, but before we even get into that, I will be in Dallas, Dallas. It's actually Grand Prairie, Texas, but August 26th, that's close to Dallas, Dallas. cologne and i didn't mean to but before we even get into that i will be in dallas dallas it's actually grand prairie texas but august 26th that's close to dallas dallas i will be at the texas trust cu theater too many words in there uh the dallas texas trust cu ampa fucking theater of the people too many words but we'll be there. August 26th, get your tickets now. Limited amount of tickets left. Limited amount of tickets left. The next day we will be flying to Wichita, Kansas to play the Orpheum Theater. Now the thing about that is why would we fly

the day after we fly? Well, my tour booker decided to route it incorrectly. They routed it with a flight after a flight, even though I told him, please, only driving after I fly into one spot. I want to drive, drive, and then fly back home. He didn't do it. Wichita turns out is five and a half hours away of a drive to Grand Prairie, Texas. Turns out he's five and a half hours away of a drive to Grand Prairie, Texas. And Chris told him specifically anything under four hours is doable.

So now we are flying to Wichita after that. We are flying to Wichita after that. And he's pissed. And it's all good. Oh, great. Can't hear myself. And we are flying after and we did it and the tour manager

absolutely messed it up and I know he listens to the podcast too. So if you're listening, you made it worse. And it's all good, but you made it worse. I'm going to be tired. You made it worse. So going going to be tired. You made it worse.

So going to go to Wichita. We've got the tickets on sale. There's a limited amount of tickets left in Wichita. We are not adding another show. It's limited. And then we will fly home. That's too many flights. That's how many flights too many?

One, but it's still too much. It's stressful, Isn't it? Then September 9th, we will be in Atlanta, Georgia. Limited amount of tickets left in Atlanta, Georgia. Only on that third tier. The first

two tiers are absolutely full. Limited amount. And then we're going to go right to Washington, D.C. Now that's a flight, isn't it? Now we told, what did we say? From Atlanta to Washington, D.C., is it a flight? Yes, it's a flight. Now that's a flight, isn't it? Now what did we say? We fly in, we drive, we drive, we fly. We didn't do that this time either. That's two for two.

That is zero percent of getting the job done. Then September 23rd, we are going to Stockton, California, and then Oakland. He got one right. He got one right, didn't we? We are going to fly to Stockton and then drive to Oakland for the next day and then fly home. He got it right. He got one right finally. He learned his lesson. And then we were flying October 7th to Peoria, Illinois and then driving to Rockford, Illinois. He got another one right, didn't he?

And then he pretty much got it right the rest of the tour boston albany you could drive to their boss in denver colorado i'll be out there go to chrislea.com we got the fucking new cities coming and i just booked some new ones i see your comments i see your comments coming in full force about hey when you're coming to new york hey when you're coming to chicago hey when you're coming to vancouver it's coming it's coming and there will be a limited amount of tickets so yeah dude and you'll be fucking he'll be a fucking high press to see me in that periwinkle shits on the fall though dude so um yeah dude that was entirely too long of an intro but it's all good my babies and i and i hope see daisy i smell like cologne is it my fault no it's not

did i hug a guy with cologne yes i did is it all good yes am i worried that it's going to be smelling like perfume and kristen's going to have questions yes dude but it's okay because it's obviously dracar noir the worst kind of perfume or whatever the fuck it's called cologne dracar noir you know the fucking syllables in that god damn it you got to got to be so Armenian to be wearing Drakkar Noir. So Armenian or so fucking Russian to be wearing Drakkar Noir. Hey, hey, hey, hey, a few spritzes. Hey, hey, hey, before we go out, dog, a few spritzes, dog. Right on my Adam's apple, dog, right there.

A few spritzes, dog. Hey, hey, get my bottom half too, right? Hey, get my bottom half too, right? Just in case I get lucky. No, seriously. Hey, hey, watch my bottom half too, right? Hey, get my bottom half too, right? Just in case I get lucky. No, seriously. Hey, hey, watch where you're touching, dog. I don't touch your face. So, yeah, Armenians love smelling good artificially

and also love telling you about their fucking boundaries physically. Hey, spray it. Hey, hey, not there, bro. Hey, hey, I wouldn't come to your house and spray you there, would I? So, yeah, dude. But I do. I hug a fuck. I see a dude at Starbucks.

I went to Starbucks. Back of a cow's mouth. How does it taste? Terrible. How does it taste? Zero out of ten. How does it taste? Really bad.

The only thing worth getting at Starbucks, four shots over ice. Because they can't really fuck it up. Do they fuck it up? Yes. They kind of fuck it up. Do I still get it? Yes. Because I need the caffeine.

And because it's not so far. Yes. I do. I get it. And I drink it. Do I drink all of it? No. Why of fuck it up do i still get it yes because i need the caffeine and because it's not so far yes i do i get it and i drink it do i drink all of it no why because it's so bad yes so i only drink half of it it's fine the ice melts too quickly because it's not big enough and it's all good okay now i come home the starbucks is somewhere nowhere to be found i wish i had at my desk but it's not here is it okay me rip, roar, and mad? Yes, but it's all right because I'm chilling. And we breathe through it, right, my babies? We absolutely breathe through it.

We deal with emotions here is what we do. So yeah, so I got to Starbucks and I see all of a sudden a dude and he's standing in the light and I realize,

wow, first of all, I think handsome dude and then I think, I know this dude and then I think, how do I know this dude? And then immediately I And then I think, I know this dude. And then I think, how do I know this dude? And then immediately I think, that's how I know this dude. And I knew the dude. And then he goes, what's been going on?

And I say, hey, what's up, dude? We clap hands. We fucking hug. Boom. That's when I notice a waft of Dracar Noir. And we don't like it, but it's all good. But that's life. Sometimes you hug a Russian dude And he gets dracar noir

Spread all over your neck And that's life You gotta turn, and then when he says goodbye You hopefully hug him in the same place So it's only that one spot that smells like it But that's life He goes for the other cheek And then hugs you, and then on both sides

You smell like drrakkar Noir. So as you go back to your car you smell like Drakkar Noir and that's life. And then you go back in your car later and then all you do is smell fucking

goddamn dracar noir that's life you roll the windows down and then you hear the clicking sound because the wheel on the back left tire is absolutely cracked and every rotation you fucking make the wheel go you hear

click click and you're so fucking mad because either you're hearing click, click, and you're reminded how fucking shitty your wheel is or the windows are up and you smell draconoir. That's life. But whatever, dude. My babies, we keep it nice. We deal with emotions here, dude.

And we're rip-roaring in our periwinkle shits. Dude, I can't wait to get on the fucking road, man, and just absolutely be crushing it on stage, dude. I can't wait, man. Bringing the whole be crushing it on stage, dude. Can't wait, man. Bringing the whole family with me. Bringing Calvin, bringing Kristen. It's going to be so ill, dude. It's going to be so ill Adolf Half-Life.

I mentioned fucking goddamn Attack on Titan as a throwaway the other day on my podcast. And motherfucker, the comments in. No, not Crystalia mentioned in Attack on Titan. Oh my God, the casual reference of Attack on Titan, dude, does he really know what Japanime, does he really know Attack on Titan, does he really know, is D'Elia just gonna mention Attack on Titan and not talk about Attack on Titan, dude, I know about Attack on Titan, because I've seen almost all the fucking episodes of Attack on Titan, because dude, one day, I was in fucking Texas with my ex-girlfriend, and we turned it on because she

had fucking Roku, and that was the only shit that came up and it looked creepy and i played it and we watched it until the motherfucking wheels fell off to avoid her family we love them but you know how it is with in-laws you know how it is dude that's life you watch japanimation to fucking not deal with your in-laws and that's life but whatever wow i'm annoying as shit but it's all good dude um remember i was talking about garbage comedians in the fucking patreon episode last time and now i'm talking about fucking now because of how annoying they are and now i'm being so goddamn annoying dude singing that's life frank sinatra at the top of my lungs all deaf, and talking about periwinkle shits. So annoying. But anyway, dude.

Yeah, dude, I do watch Attack on Titan, and I saw Attack on Titan, and I watched Attack on Titan until it got really extremely convoluted and bad, but it's great. I love Attack on Titan. I fucking loved it. And then also, I'm wearing all white today. What do you do? It's all today. Well, what'd he do?

It's before, oh, what'd he do? It's all before Labor Day. Oh, what'd he do though? Okay. Do you hear Chris Layton wearing all white? What the fuck? What'd you hear that? Blast.com. Are you serious? What the fuck? He's reporting that? Sometimes the media does tell the truth. That's fucking crazy. Does he really? No, come on.

You can't believe me. No, he's wearing all white. But he drank so much coffee. What if he spills? He didn't spill. What do you mean? Oh, my God. That's fucking insane. But it's really, really all right. But didn't he take his car in today? What about when he got out and fucking brushed the wheel up against it?

Didn't get the black on his calves? No, he didn't do anything. He put it all over the place. Seriously. Oh, really? Well, how do you know? But I thought he was wearing the periwinkle shits. Yeah, he is.

What about under that? Under that, he's got all white on. What about the lint? The periwinkle lint? No, he doesn't have it on. Dude, it's completely white the whole time. He's been wearing it all day. That's what I hear when I walk by.

Shit, dude. All white, dude. And all white pants, dude. Like I'm going to see P. Diddy. Fuck it, man. I'm in the Hamptons practically. Firing in on all all syllables and cylinders today. But yeah, dude, we, yeah, so I went, yeah, so I am, I'm wearing all white. So whoopsie daisy, that's how we did it. And I did go to

take my car in because there is a clicking sound on my fucking wheel. I always got car problems. That's just how it's going to be. I'm always just, I'm going to be the guy with car problems. That's going to be my thing. It's okay. Everyone has their things. Some people die of cancer and some people just have car problems their whole life and that's going to be my thing. It's okay. Everyone has their things. Some people die of cancer and some people just have car problems their whole life. And that's going to be my thing, right? Some people battle with weight. I don't, you know, I have a lot of weight on my shoulders, but that's all muscle and dick area, but dude.

Yeah. Okay. So that's going to be my thing. Um, we have a good time. We have a good time here on this, uh, congratulation podcast. And, uh, there was something I wanted to fucking talk about up front. I can't fucking remember what it is. We were chilling and we made a fucking

dude, I was out or something. I can't remember where I was. And I was like, what was I doing? I think I was getting a coffee or something. Or did I have a show? No, I had a show. And Kristen, and Cal, he sleeps like late, dude. The fucking kid, dude.

I love him and he won't even. He's like, he's such a D'Elia. He's just like, no, there's more shit to do. I can't go to bed yet. I have to play with my Peppa Pigs. What are you talking about? Go to bed? I have to watch Shapes.

On YouTube, I have to watch Shapes. He'll just be like, Shapes. And I'll turn on Shapes. Ah, that one. He talks like a fucking old Vietnamese man Nah that one Oh really? Yeah the shapes Okay

I look over he's squatting in some fucking high grass The shapes I want to watch that one The shapes So I turn it on. Yeah, that's the one. Look, he has a pyramid and then a triangle. It's different, right?

You know that it's called the dart? I didn't know that was the shape. That's what they called dart. Literally, that's what it's called, dart. And so I'm watching The Shapes, and then I fucking leave to go to the show, and then I come, and then Kristen's like, guess what, made a fort for Cal, it's just gonna be family chilling, me and Calvin in the fort, and I look, dude, I'm like, all right, send me a pic, dude, she doesn't send

me a really good pic to see, I come home after the show, I'm like, is Calvin still up, dude, he was still up, it was like 10 p.m., I came home, dude, she fucking blew up the air mattress, put a whole bunch of fucking bed sheets all over this rope that she tied together and hooked it onto the TV across the room to the back wall behind the couch and put a fucking lamp in the middle, holding the fucking sheets up to make a fucking apex, like an A-frame with the sheets. Dude, and I had no idea where the lamp even fucking came from, dude. Dude, and I had no idea where the lamp even fucking came from, dude. And Cal was just chilling in it, eating ice cream, just fucking scooping it up and literally putting it on his mouth, not even opening his mouth. He would just put it on his mouth and then the ice cream would fall on his belly, dude. Like, what the fuck is going on here?

And it was so ill, dude. And I came, I said, can I come in? And he goes, no, that's not for you. and i did anyway because it's my fucking house dude and i went in and i fucking we had a good time dude and he was laughing and he hit my nose a little bit i thought i thought i rebroke it it's all good don't tell my doctor because if the surgery didn't work i don't want that to be my fault but um so we watched a little bit of stuff we watched lilo and stitch which honestly sucks but he loves it uh not for me lilo and stitch is not for me and uh y'all but you know it's just it's like it's it's old shit you gotta watch the new cartoons so um we built a fort and it's

bro we did it fucking saturday when are we recording this? What is it? Monday? Bro? And it's still up. The Ford's still up and the air mattress has a hole in it. We have to keep refilling it. And it's so loud when we do do it. But when he fucking hits the thing, we refill it. It goes. Right. And then when you when you and then the other button on the thing is a um a release that

lets the air out and it goes sounds like you know what it sounds like one of those fucking um hydraulics where the porn girls use when they just sit there in the stirrups and the robotic uh fucking thing just goes i don't know who watches that porn not me but i see it on the fucking on the thumbnails, dude. And like a Sibian, you know, whatever. And why do I know what it is? So, yeah, and then he hits the button. Calvin hits the button and it just goes, and he laughs like fucking hell, dude, when he hits that button.

That's the shit. And then I laugh. Dude, what can I say? I love being a dad. What can I say? What can he say, dude? What can he say? I don't know.

He's working wearing all white. What the fuck is going on? I just don't believe he's wearing all white. Yeah, but he wore the pyramid. I think I saw him fucking lint on it. Linda's white. Get that.

So now he's wearing white and he's got a lint on the thing, which is more white. It's unbelievable. What is that, criminal law? Yeah, seriously. When you hear that, the media,

they're telling the truth what the fuck that's insane um yeah whatever what are you gonna do oh i gotta announce the winners of this shit this is what i gotta do this is the only thing I got to do this episode. So the other day we put, as a month ago, we said anybody who buys anything for the month of May gets a chance to enter a raffle to win this black and white Life Rips. Oh, the varsity jacket for fuck's sake. He did it to him. So these are the winners.

Marcus Boyd. I'm going to actually just do their Instagram handles. This is what I'm going to do. Marky206. Kyle Weil. K-Y-L-E-W-I-L-L-E. Carl Oggers. Carl Agers.

I don't know. Martin B192. This guy's Instagram is marcosantonio.gestellum. Well, I mean, just change it, right? Change. Change your brain who you are. And then Patty the Mick. She's a fucking Italian, a gangster.

And then Sammy. Is he official? Sinsec Sammy. Is he official? Sinsecure. Is he official? And two don't want to be announced. And I don't think I did that. Okay, good. That's cool.

Whatever, dude. You got the jacket, dude. Yes, dude. So that's the thing. Maybe we'll do another one. And now we're going to... Guess what? We're going to make him...

This was such a fucking hit. We're going to make him in color. So we can get him in color now. Dude, you can get him on Chrisley.com. Whatever, dude. I can't believe I saw on a fucking. I don't know what's going to do is crazy. Craig Robinson was doing the comedy zone, I think, in what do you call it?

North Carolina. And somebody pulled a gun out, dude. This is what happened. I know that you guys might not know specifically what happened. So I'm going to tell you. I know what happened because I know what happened because I'm in the fucking shit and i'm in the shits right and i know the shit and i don't know craig and i know the people right craig by the way couldn't be a nicer dude to have some pull a gun on craig is the most hilarious shit because he's the most chill person alive you pull on a gun on craig robinson i feel

like he would just be like what song you want want to hear? Right? Like he is unbelievably chill. So, um, the guy came in to go to Craig's early show and he thought he had tickets for a different person. Okay. Now the guy's packing heat. Nobody knew it. He had a piece on him. Nobody knew it.

Right. He had his fucking biscuit with him, but nobody knew it. All right. He had the burner tucked in him, but nobody knew it, all right? He had the burner tucked in between, but nobody fucking knew it, right? So he's sitting there just like a fucking baker on the move, right? Biscuit tucked into the belt, okay? And he said, hey, I'm here to see whatever comedian he thought he was there to see, not Craig Robinson. They say, sorry, you got tickets for the wrong show, or maybe he wanted to see Craig Robinson, but these are the wrong tickets you bought. You don't have tickets to see Craig Robinson they say sorry you got tickets for the wrong show or maybe he wanted to see Craig Robinson but these are the wrong tickets you bought you don't have tickets to see Craig Robinson and he said okay well can I get the right tickets and the guy said well unfortunately this show is sold

out but why don't we try to make room for you in the next show later the late show and the guy says oh really well no if I'm not getting in I guess the show's canceled now nobody's getting in everyone's going home and he pulled out the fucking biscuit and walked in the room, dude. And then Craig canceled the whole weekend. Dude, that guy, that sucks that he did that, dude. If you're going to bring your heater, here's the thing, dude. If you're going to bring the fucking burner, if you're going to bring the fucking nine pound, if you're going to bring it, don't flash it around like it's a Rolex

Be using that shit Okay At least fire it in the air Like a fucking old west guy Like that's a bit Some bitch shit Oh I can't get tickets to the show Then I'm going anywhere

Then everyone's going home How about that I'll do my own comedy show So that's what happened dude America's absolutely crazy man america is absolutely fucking crazy i don't know what's going on man ever since fucking uh chris rock got slapped you know it's like a fucking war zone so cool i'm gonna have security on my shit it's all good i mean how many guns are gonna be in my fucking dallas show for real though because of

how fucking texas is it is i'm not against guns at all but you know it's like don't don't be waving them around at a comedy show don't like dude that's insane uh comedians man what fucking weird people huh r.i.p to jack knight that was a great he was he was great man he was in so much shit he had everything going for him and uh and he uh you know i knew him not very well but i knew him uh very in passing and um seemed like a nice dude and was a great comedian and uh good for the good for comedy and in a lot of stuff man i mean that guy had he had a lot to live for and apparently it was just too much for him um poor shit man poor poor guy but uh rest in peace to jack knight we lost another one and uh

that's brutal uh my heart goes out to his family and his friends. Texted a few of them and let them know. But yeah, sad shit. Let's look at this. Now to get right back into some comedy, which is so disrespectful, but also respectful. You know what I'm talking about? Here we go.

Come on. Here we go. Wow, Tracy Morgan just doesn't give a fuck, dude. Oh, that's how I gotta be oh that's so good dude he doesn't give a fuck god damn it does he wear a shower cap

what the fuck is that a hat like a camo hat dude wow dude just singing without a care in the fucking world man god damn that's awesome I gotta be like that.

How old is Tracy Morgan? How old is he? Look it up. Dude, I got to be fucking, by the time I'm that age, I got to be out loud singing in the airport. That's me, dude. That's life. Dude, and somebody could just say, your flight's canceled. And I just go, that's life.

And I'm just killing it, dude. 53? That's not even that old, dude. Wow, that's like some 70 fucking year old shit. I got to fucking get there, dude. I've got 11 years. I know I'm the ripe age of fucking 42. I get it, dude.

God, man. Somebody was talking so loud on speakerphone the other day. They walked into a cafe. I was sitting in the cafe, and this dude was talking. And his speakerphone walks into the cafe, orders on speakerphone, and somebody on the fucking speakerphone whoever they were talking to says well yeah but did you know that yada yada yada about somebody and then i said oh really real loud and everyone looked at me but that's because that conversation must have been for all of us it was on speaker and you were in a public place we were at a fucking cafe so if he's on speaker then i'm involved in this conversation

you think in 11 years i won't be fucking belting out shit at a gate at fucking delta you think i won't you think i won't say i won't you're talking to the guy who wore all white. Yeah, dude. I think it's fucking fantastic when people stand up for what they believe in in that way, right? I think it's great. Too many people are just singing in the fucking lenses of their camera and putting them on Instagram. That's some bitch shit, dude.

Oh, you're really a singer then? Oh, you're really a singer then? Oh, you're really a singer? Then go out to the fucking gate of Delta and absolutely belt it out. You raise me up higher than a fucking mountain. Do it at Panera Bread, even though it should just be Panera because Panera means bread. So basically the place is called Bread Bread. You raise me up at Relax the Back. Go, go do it. Higher than I could even fucking be. You raise me up at Suzy Cakes or CVS.

Fucking go do it. How does he keep coming up with fucking stores? It's because I fucking just did the ones at Laurel Canyon Inventory Boulevard. Dude, that's what's all around Laurel Canyon Inventory Boulevard. They gotta relax the back, dude. Wow! Relax the back, dude! The worst title for

a fucking company! It's still around, how? Doesn't like Chris Weber fucking, didn't some basketball player make it? Relax the back, dude. That's the fucking, relax the back. That's the worst fucking, that's so, who made it? No basketball player, you don't know?

Some basketball player has a stake in that, like it's fucking, dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk. Hi, Sharks, I'm Chris Webber. You're tired of your back not being off. You're tired of your back being all stressed. What do they sell? Like Lazy Boys or Recliners or some shit? Kobe Dietrich, that's a basketball player?

I knew it. He knew it, dude. He's a fucking Encyclopedia Britannica. What the fuck? He knew it. I'm hot as shit. This room is fucking three feet by three feet. So, yeah, dude.

But what was I saying? I don't even remember what I was saying, but I love it. I love it. I love it. We got to get to that fucking singing part of life. You got to get to that part, dude. That's why I say life rips. Because once you realize life rips, no matter what happens, right? Like, say you eat too much sugar and you get

fucking cancer at 65, right? And you realize, oh shit, it's pancreatic. I'm donezo. Because that's one of the worst ones. I'm donezo. You got to know life rips by then. You got to know that shit. That's why life rips, because there's the negative shit. And the pendulum swings, right? Some people, before they die, they realize the best shit of their lives. They realize what life's about. Not me. I don't know what life's about. I try to figure it out, but, you know, it's really hard.

I don't like those big-ass questions, though. Like, what's life about? You know, like some Richard Attenborough shit. Everyone that wants to know what the age old question, anytime anyone says to me anything about any age old question, I don't want to know any age old question to answer.

It's age old. It means nobody figured out before me. Nobody's going to figure it out. Um, but yeah. Dude, have you guys come across this fucking, it's like a Reddit.

It's all over Reddit, I don't, I've literally only been on any Reddit because of stuff that Ivan Getridov sends me, I don't really understand it, you can like vote stuff up and stuff down, wow, I sound so old, but dude, this thing he was showing me is fucking hilarious, it's a Tinder thing, um, dude, this thing he was showing me is fucking hilarious. It's a Tinder thing, right? Where they just show Tinder conversations like before they date or something like that. Yeah. And, uh, like this is the Tinder Reddit page, I guess. A community for discussing the online dating app, Tinder, sharing conversations, reviewing profiles and more.

Um, so this is so people are so weird dude like people are so fucking weird that i i don't you know how like people are like well the world's gone to hell and everyone's like at each other's throats i am actually when i see shit like this i'm surprised anyone is still alive because people disagree on so much shit like when i see shit like this this is the one um this is what the person says all right all right i got i just got to say, you are absolutely stunning. And then the person says, you should know I injured my foot on Thursday, so I can't walk very far. Did you have a place in mind? First of all, just off to a fucking absolutely, this is a travesty already.

Like, want to go out? Yeah, broke my foot. Can we go close? Oh, okay. So, well, I guess I'm not getting laid. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we go close? Oh, okay. So, well, I guess I'm not getting laid. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go close. What's close to you? So then the guy says, ah, damn, sorry to hear that.

I can take the train in. I'm from Long Island. So I really don't know the area. And then the person writes, I mean, I can't even, wow. The person writes, a potty mouth, hmm? I'm okay. I'm okay. And then, okay, so if this were me, at that point I'd be like, I'd have to like scan the conversation and be like,

what is the potty mouth part? And this person then replies, damn's a potty word? Lol, but I'm glad you're okay. And then the person writes back again, may you please not curse when you're talking to me? Thanks. S'morman. Dude, to, like, what?

Like, why? Like, leave it alone. Hey, guys, leave it alone, right? The most leave it alone. You should have left it alone already Way before like first of all The broken foot thing I'm out dude This is tinder right like dude

I didn't even meet you yet How amazing Do you have to be for me To even just like this is Just a profile you might be A man for all I know Hey my foot broke do you have a place in mind got to come close already i'm like okay this is already you're being difficult sorry you broke

your foot but now i gotta take the train in from long island and then he said oh damn sorry to hear that showing sympathy and then she says a potty mouth hmm smormon dude leave it alone why even say potty mouth okay just ghost them from there and then the guy says damn's a potty word but i'm glad you're okay don't say that and then the other person may you please not curse it's already over you're bored. Get hobbies. Right? Unbelievable this shit is. Unbeliever.

Unbeliever. It's unbeliever. Somebody said Ned Flanders has entered the chat. It's great. Here we go. Another one. This is great, dude. These Tinder shits.

Was this too harsh, it says. Forgive my ignorance, but what's an ODP? Somebody says Google it. And then somebody wrote, I tried to start a conversation by giving you the opportunity to talk about something you're presumably interested in. Obviously, I can fucking Google it. Dude! I know who this guy is this is a guy i got a pizza from once uh at la canada imports down uh on uh foothill boulevard and uh all to canada because i got pizza

from him and he was doing it and he would always fucking get pulled to put out the pizzas and pizza was so good there and then one time he turned around. And he got a piece of pizza from his wife. And his wife says, it's hot. Dude, and this makes. Well, I'll tell you this part at the end, actually. And she says, careful, it's hot. And he turned around to me.

And under his breath, he said, I know it's fucking hot. Dude, that's this guy. That's this guy on Tinder now. And dude, how much sense does this make? He was white and older. And his wife was Asian and younger. Oh, makes too much sense, man man sense scale off the charts dude come on guess what race older white guy talking to a younger female asian course i know it's fucking hot

basically what he was saying is should have killed you all when you have the chance you know what i mean like i'm not i'm not saying there was a chance or whatever and that's not me saying that i'm just doing it for what he probably that was the tone of the fucking thing right basically called her charlie is all i'm saying but i'm just and that's not me saying that i'm just saying what this is the tone he had but dude this is amazing forgive my ignorance but what's an odp google it i tried to start a conversation by giving you a... Dude, this is John Malkovich. Do you know what I mean?

Like so pinpoint accurate with his verbiage. I tried to start a conversation by giving you the opportunity to talk about something you're presumably interested in. Obviously, I can fucking Google it. Dude, this is basically a line from In the Line of Fire.

That's what fucking the bad guy says to Clint Eastwood. And I'll do it while I'm pissing on your grave. I'll fucking say, I'll fucking laugh about it when I'm pissing on your grave. And then John Malkovich comes in over the phone. I tried to start a conversation by giving you the opportunity to talk about something you're presumably interested in. Obviously

I can fucking Google it. Dude, also such a robot. This is just a, this is honestly just AI dude. This is AI dating. This is a robot trying to just a bit this is honestly just ai dude this is ai dating this is a robot trying to get his fucking bolts wet this is an old this is a this is a fucking robot trying to fucking get his get his fucking uh nuts and bolts just creamy dude hello i would like my nuts and bolts creamy. Forgive my ignorance. But what is an ODP?

Google it. Identifying bitch. Commence attitude. I try to start a conversation by giving you the opportunity to talk about something you're presumably interested in. Obviously I can fucking google it moonwalks out

and then fucking i wonder why that bitch plays by tupac over his speakers he just opens his mouth dude it just goes and his mouth opens and it goes wonder why they call you bitch wonder wonder why they call you bitch as he moonwalks away dude wow these are so fun dude what the fuck is up with dating apps here we go i hate dating apps so much it says since you shared your batman story i once had dreams of being a powerpuff girl and then the guy said so were you made from sugar spice and everything nice and then the girl just writes no and then she says and if that line ever works for you you should question why and then he says it's from the intro to powerpuff girls it's not a pickup line lol dude unreal did she know it or not it's not a fucking line it's from the intro of the shit

that you brought up turn the combo on his fucking ass that girl's sitting on her asshole right now dude it's from the shit you brought up. Oh my God, dude. Unreal. One for the boys, dude. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Men had it rough the past five years. But we back after that message. You brought it up. Dude, you brought up the Powerpuff Girls. Oh, you thought you knew more about girl shit than I did? Well, let me fucking slam it back to you and bring something up undercover. And you don't even know about it. And then you get mad at me. And, dude, let me just chuck one down for the boys

it's another what my dogs are incels get the fuck out of here but butters butters has a son i never told you guys i won't talk about it ever he has a son dude one time for real butters has a son butters has a son i'm not joking he has two sons i'm not joking, my dog, one time I used to hang out with this girl and she came over Once and we were hanging out, watching TV at my apartment We had sex and when we got done, dude, we looked over And Butters was stuck inside Her dog, didn't know What the fuck, dude, Butters wouldn't come out

You know that dogs have like Penises that have like grappling hooks That they go in and then they fucking Open up and then they can't get out to ensure insemination It's very fucking gross But that's what happens, and butters was looking at me like what the fuck's going on dude and sure enough insemination happened and butters had two sons and she gave one away and then had another one and then and then her fucking ex-boyfriend took it and she cried a lot on social media about it what the fuck is life but that's what happened so butter

son is out there somewhere. These Reddit shits are amazing. Let's look at another one. Dude, he slammed her to a fucking Bolivian, dude. Wow. Unbelievable, dude. The boys are back, aren't they, huh? After that?

After that, dude? Boys are back. Oh, I just did that one. Okay. I hate when I just do that one. This is good because it clicks the checks, the ones we did. Juan Fier did that. I had to fucking change his name to Juan Fier, huh? He had reading as an interest in his bio, a common one.

Okay. So the guy writes, so you like reading, I see. What's the last book you read and the best book you read? And then somebody said, oh, oh, oh, oh. So he had reading in his bio. And then she says, so you like reading, I see. What's the last book you read and the best book you read? And then the guy writes, fuck off.

Oh, dude. Oh, dude. And then she writes what why we have reading as common interest i just wanted to start a convo and he and he writes fucking ciao oh the boys are back dude men had it rough for about eight years and that's it thanks to this Italian speaking motherfucker, dude! Oh! Dude, that's unreal what he did, man. Oh, you thought we were gonna talk about

something you wanted to just because I put it on my profile? Well, fucking you got another thing and think coming. Oh, dude. Ciao, bitch. Slam. Dup, dup, dup.

Dup, dup, dup. Let the boys be boys. Unbelievable, dude. What a dick that guy is. You know? What a dick. His name's Tom. That's hilarious, too, in and of itself let's do another one dude these are too fun we got to keep going wow god damn dude this is fun

i hope you're in your car on a road trip and you just keep fucking driving you're like i hope this podcast never ends because that's how i feel this one says how do i respond please help This is just a guy reaching out. Damn it. Wait. Damn it. Dude. This is ridiculous. Her name is spelled T-A-t-l-y-n-n now granted that name is stupid as shit okay but he says damn if you were my teacher i'd be tattling on all the other students just to talk to you and she writes back this is the best are you fucking stupid it's tatling fucking idiot oh shit dude the dudes had a good run for about 14 minutes. Women are back, dude. Unbelievable, man. Wow, dude.

I still like... Well, why is it spelled Tatlin? There should be an E in there. There should be an E in there. You know what, dude? She's actually wrong. That guy's not an idiot, dude. Uh-oh, another one for the fucking boys.

She was technical difficulty or technicality, whatever the fuck. You know what I mean? You know what I'm trying to say, dude. Disqualified. Oh, shit, dude. God damn, these ones are great. Did it. Checked it off.

All right, now this one. Check it off all right now this one check it off um got a headache from screaming it all and i gotta sign it i got signed it go home i know about to bleed that's great is this weird matched two weeks ago she's nice um sometimes i don't know who's who so i guess this is this is him so i heard of them they sound cool they're that korean band yeah spelled wrong with the wrong there but uh then they write yeah that's one of the reasons why i matched with you looking for a asian guy because i want waysian babies okay so she's white he writes whoa haha bit early to talk about babies and then she writes no not really i'm young but i deaf see myself being a stay-at-home mom and i love babies they're gonna be on my mind and i'm

always going to be planning to have one or four maybe five holy fucking shit dude hey you need to take a course on how to get what you want. I mean, this is absolutely insane, dude. First of all, in the beginning, it's racist. And then also, absolutely not going to get what you want, even though that's the thing you're talking about wanting. Okay? So, sweetheart, and I don't mean to call you sweetheart but i am don't be doing all that wow that's actually that person will be alone forever and that's so sad um this one's ironic it's called sanjay the so the girl writes hi

and then sanjay right or wait no that's too Sanjay. So hi. And then she writes, I don't know who's who. Is this a girl? Now this is the guy. I'm in Jamaica for a week. What do I absolutely need to do before I leave? And then they say something you're interested in, I guess, LOL. What am I to say? And then they say, I don't know. I figured you'd have some ideas because you live here or you could just say, you'll show me around. and then they say I don't know I figured you'd have some ideas because you live here or you could just say you'll show me around and then they say I'm not a tour guide honey I work lol and then he says what do you do for work she says I'm a travel agent dude oh unreal dude Unreal, dude. Tense, you're a tour guide. Oh, my God.

The fucking absolutely rare embossed die-cut self-fucking slam. You're a tour guide. Oh, my God, dude. oh my god dude the foil embossed the die cut the limited edition ultra rare self slam oh dude unbelievable bro how do you get self-pooned so bad? Got a headache. Tell my doctor. It's because he's stuck fucking up really fucking long, long fucking things that aren't penises up my nostril. I'd never allow that.

No penises up my nostril. I get why this podcast is fucking fire. I get why people listen to this. You know what, dude? I get why people listen to this podcast. They just want to relax. It's basically like going to relax the back and getting the best recliner. They just want to chill, have a good time. They want to let me do the heavy lifting on the silly goose time. And you just want to fucking take that road trip or be in that cubicle and have to take fucking orders from bullshit people on phones, but have me in

the background and talk to you about fucking you know silly goose shits and i get it i used to not get it but i get it and also these are the hard-hitting issues right yeah npr shit's out there talking about fucking you know like who killed some woman because she was trying to expose some fucking uh dignitary and shit in spain or malta and the fucking now they're trying to get to the bottom of it. It's like, why do you want to hear all that? I get it.

But like, also you got to hear about these tender replies from Crystalia. But yeah, I have a headache, but it's all good. Wow. Those are fucking hysterical.

We got to do that more for sure. Um, this is the deserved scale. Wow, this video is unavailable. The first one, good job. One fire. Here's another one. The second one.

WCGW not sitting down properly. What's WCGW? Do I know that? Oh, what could go wrong? See, this is a Reddit thing. See? Okay. Not sitting down properly. What could go wrong? See, this is a Reddit thing. See? Okay. Not sitting down properly.

What could go wrong? Here we go. Every... Hell yeah, dude. Wait. They made it. Did anyone get hit? Oh, oh.

Wait, what the fuck? How did he even... What the head was going to get hit He sat down Oh Oh Oh he's not even there yet Dude wow that was an optical illusion

For a bit dude this guy sat down And the pole this is unreal Why was that pole so fucking low to begin with dude this seems like a fucking really bad idea i mean poll is i don't this is not his this doesn't even look like his fault to me do you guys understand what I'm saying like why is it so

low oh because he's on the bow what they call the bow of the boat because it's up front and it's great dude that's great amazing dude I hope his cell phone got all fucked up it's his fault deserve it scale I will say it was pretty funny,

but then also, they shouldn't have the pole there, dude. That one pisses me off. That's a three. He didn't deserve that, man, to get all wet with that shit. Wow, it's not often we have a low deserved scale, but that's good.

It's good. We need to know what the scale does. We need to see how the scale massages itself. Here we go. Another one. Just fucking click that one. already clicked it uh here we go there's another one uh what could go wrong if i annoy people on a busy underground train you mean a subway Hey, come on. Hey, big fella. Hey. Chelsea. Well, the train's going to stop, right? And he's going to fall?

Oh, this guy needs to get his ass kicked. Chelsea. Chelsea. Chelsea. Oh, the buildup of this is... Oh, oh, wow. He touched the guy's face. Chelsea. Chelsea. Oh, oh, wow. He touched the guy's face.

Oh, the... Oh, no. No way, dude. no way dude oh my god dude that is great the guy is yelling some of the most british shit i've ever heard in my life i don't know what it is but it's so oh she oh she oh she chelsea oh it's a fucking soccer team or whatever, football. Oh, that guy deserves to get his fucking head lopped off, honestly. Dude, and he is standing there in the fucking subway. They call it an underground train, I guess.

So drunk. And I guess his girl's there, but we don't know. But she's not doing shit. So honestly, she deserves it too. So then the doors open. And the guy just tosses him out. He's so drunk. That's hilarious, dude.

Look at how he does it too. Wow, the timing of that dude. Whoa. Is that guy the pet rock? The timing of that was amazing. she's like very funny very funny dude why weren't you fucking trying to calm him down you deserve it too deserve a scale off the charts that one honestly wasn't belly laugh but he totally deserved it so that's an interesting one right when it's not terribly funny but he did absolutely deserve it i would say that that's an interesting one, right? When it's not terribly funny, but he did absolutely deserve it.

I would say that that's a fucking, that's got to be high just because of how much he deserved it, dude. Oh, he was so drunk afterwards. I hope he got robbed afterwards. No, I'm kidding. He would have if it was Los Angeles. But yeah, I don't know. I'd say that's an eight. That's's an eight that's got to be an eight

unreal okay here's another one uh what could go wrong is great use the force look this is win stupid prizes okay now all right look this is what i see it's a it's a fucking there's two bottles of jugs here of water hanging in front of the dude and he's blindfolded so here's the number one thing you know he's going to get smashed in the fucking face okay and then you've got george lucas behind him i guess here we go here we go oh okay so okay so he's doing, if you're listening and you're not watching, this is what he does first. He does this like this. So, already he deserves it at a top, at a fucking 10. To do that is so annoying in any kind of like, this is probably like a fucking, honestly, a TikTok challenge.

Okay? challenge okay so he's being pissed shit already and it's fucking absolutely deserves it a lot for doing that because he thinks he's like in a fucking what do you call it what's that movie

what was that movie American Ninja Warrior okay so here he goes oh I know what he's gonna do he's gonna push him and then move side to side right why does he have a covid mask over his eyes that's so dumb yep one and two and bonk hit bonk right in his fucking nose wait a minute this is set up this is set up this is set up dude you can't fucking get one by me. I sniffed it out. You know why I know it's set up?

Because the water bottles aren't fucking full. The water bottles aren't full. And look at his reaction. Bonk. That's a fake reaction. That's a fake reaction, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. He knows.

He knows bullshit when he sniffs it. But that's good, dude. Because you can't. So how much did you deserve it? You don't deserve the view. But you got the view. All right, dude. Fine.

You got Ivan Getrid of in one fire, but you didn't get me dude maybe first look i might have thought that um not so much deserve a scale but it's just so many bad things happening in a row this one fucking one fire says okay here we go Everything that could go wrong Went wrong Oh I love shit like this Dude hold on let me play it Guy's taking a pizza out It fell

It fell on the thing Wow these guys are such bros Look he's got a mitten on Why is the oven over the fucking Washing machine you know These guys deserve on. Why is the oven over the fucking washing machine, you know? These guys deserve it. These guys deserve it. Dude, just because of the way they're being, they deserve it so much.

Oh, trying to get it out with a ladle. Oh, it fell on its face, dude. The cheese is up. Wow, you guys suck. It fell on the floor face first, dude. That took 25 minutes and it fucking that's what happened it you know to heat that pizza it took 25 minutes and that was the culmination I love that shit. I gotta watch it again. First of all, the reaction of that is unreal, dude. They scream when the fucking pizza falls six inches

and nothing happens. They just go, oh! That's so funny in itself, dude. The reaction, bro. This is such a sleepover, dude. Wow, that guy's so annoying. Look what they're wearing, too. One guy's dressed to the nines and one guy has no shirt on.

Dude. All the onions and shit fall out. And then they put it on the dish and it's bad. Dude, these guys are some fucking buffoons. Ruin the night. Ruin the night. Ruin the night.

Nobody has ever dressed more Euro trash than these guys. It's unbelievable. I can't even believe it. I cannot even believe it. Guys got tight fucking jean shorts on and a checkered belt. Un-fucking-believable. The other guy's got no shirt on and an oven mitt,

and the other guy's dressed like a fucking waiter off-duty. Dude, I can't believe how Euro trash. I cannot believe how Euro trash they fucking did. It's unbelievable. They deserve that to happen because of how Euro trash they are. That is a fucking 10 out of 10. If I was there, dude, if I was there after that, I would have laughed so hard for so long. I would have got up no matter how exhausted I was from laughing. I would have beat the shit out of all of them, dude. That's what they deserve. Honestly, that's what they deserve.

And they're for sure. If, if honestly, if they are not in Argentina, I will fucking cut my fucking nuts off and eat them if they're not in Argentina. That is the most Argentinian. No, that is the most Salvadorian thing that has ever happened. That whole video is the most Salvadorian thing that has ever happened in the world. So Salvadorian, dude so fucking salvadorian god damn gonna be in dallas get those tickets they're running out atlanta and wichita kansas uh i'm gonna be in uh where else uh peoria uh where else uh peoria uh belco i'm doing denver the belco theater and i'm doing um boston i'm gonna be at the wang tickets at chrysalia.com washington dc uh so go and get

that stuff and uh if you don't chrysalia.com and uh we keep it periwinkle all year. Hey guys, that's it for the YouTube episode this week. If you want to listen to the rest of the episode, go the raw, the uncut, the no commercials, no nothing, go to patreon.com slash crystalia and you can catch the rest of the episode. You can also,

then you'll be a part of our Patreon and you can get all the extra stuff that we do. We do something called review mode where we drop that bi-weekly. We have behind-the-scenes footage. We have a Discord that we chat on. And we also have an extra episode of Congratulations every month. And if you go sign up now, you get access to all that past stuff. And it's just $6 a month.

And also you're supporting the show and we appreciate it so patreon.com thanks I'm out.