Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 265. Massaging The Lens

Episode Date: July 28, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia It's another week my fellow tall grass sitters! This week Chris discusses the recent Chapelle controversy in Minneapolis, The Gray Man, and we've got more Tinder conversations and Deserve-It Scale videos! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply hey guys and welcome to a super cult production of Congratulations. It's a new episode. It's a new on to the next episode. Smoke weed every day. A little bit of a Nate dog.

A little bit of a Nate dog beginning, you know what I mean? Just to spark things up, just to start off on a fucking nice note Smoke weed every day But yeah, dude Crystalia.com for tickets I'm going to be in Dallas I'm going to be in Wichita, Kansas

And I'm going to be in Washington, D.C. and Atlanta Crystalia.com Those are the fucking dates That are coming up soon There's also plenty more Go. Crystalia.com. Those are the fucking dates that are coming up soon. There's also plenty more. Go to Crystalia.com to get tickets. And it's still summer. He's wearing a fucking dark shirt.

It's still summer, but he's wearing a dark shirt. He's doing it because he's worn only light shirts. Sit for like the past however many episodes I've done of congratulations. So he needed to fucking make it a little bit darker, dude. He's not just this happy go lucky guy all the time. He says life rips all the time, but he's not always happy go lucky. There's also other parts of him, dude. Sometimes he puts on a face for the podcast.

Sometimes he comes and he comes raw and real and he used, right? Because you know, he's rough. He's raw. He's raw. And what you see is what you get with him sometimes. But sometimes he comes and he does a little tap dancing because it's going to be a fun episode. And sometimes it's a mix of the two right but real life is real life and you can't

fucking you can't shut it out for too long but my point is is that life rips and because it's summer dude we got look what we got look actually. We got the slides, dude. Boom. Very cool. Very cool for the summer. You get in and out of the pool with that shit. I'm a slide guy. Turns out I'm a slide guy. I had no idea, but you can also

get the bucket hat that we got. I don't wear bucket hats, but we got the bucket hats. A lot of people wrote in, where's the bucket hats? So we made bucket hats, dude. Life rips. With that og fucking colorway with the bucket hats though and there's a fly in here dude and we can't even stop it there's a fly in here in this in this studio the studio's small as shit okay and there's a fly in here dude and the fly's taking up too much space so we got one of these fucking zappet things dude i said this is how we're gonna do it because we tried to fucking get the the fly out of the thing and uh it wouldn't and we started the episode and we had to stop it because

the fly was being so annoying so what i did is i said i got the zap it dude and i'm ready now all i gotta do is push this thing in turn it on push the thing in okay yeah got it and then and when the fly comes i go and and kristin's really good at it and i'm so bitch at it you kind of can't do it pop actually that's kind of badass if i did it like that but i don't i always end up like doing it like that and then go and then missing and then i catch myself looking so bitch dude but i got this shit for the fly come i don't know we'll see maybe if because flies live for like a day and a half anyway right so it's like maybe he died already we don't know but we stopped the podcast because it was so fucking annoying he was like landing on

the fucking thing anyway whatever dude chrislea.com for tickets go to your go to go go go and also if you like the podcast take a minute to just like and subscribe my babies you know because this is a fucking this is a movement all right i, we're literally changing the world with this podcast. So yeah, and my nose, does it work? Who knows? Who knows if my nose works or not? It's been two and a half weeks, and they say by three weeks, it should be fucking gravy, and it's not even close to gravy yet.

Yay, dude, it's not all gravy. The doctor said give it three weeks, and it'll be all gravy. It's been two and a half weeks. It's not even close to all gravy. Yay, weeks. It's not even close to all gravy. Yay, dude. It's not even close to all gravy. Some people say it takes a month. Some people say it takes six months because there's a lot of capillaries back there.

And did Calvin bonk my nose three times this week? Yay, he did. He bonked it three times this week, dude. One was really hard and two wasn't that hard. But it's fine. Still feels like it did before I got the surgery. Maybe it didn't work. Maybe I'm one of those fucking 20.

One out of 20 doesn't work, the doctor said, which you know what that means. Three out of 20 doesn't work, right? Because if a doctor says one thing, it's definitely more because they wanted to make it seem like they're the fucking artist and they can do it better than any other doctor. But it's really more than one because I looked online and sometimes it said upwards of five out of 20. It doesn't work.

Yay, dude. So we'll see. That's one out of four. But, you know, hey, look, if we were going to Vegas with these odds, we'd come out with a lot of money. So hopefully we'll come out of this surgery with a lot more air. And I sleep better, whatever. Yeah, man.

So like and subscribe or whatever and make love to that fucking comment section. Go in there and just make some love. But yeah, I really hope

this nose thing pans out. When I looked, I looked and it's still very crooked. My septum is still very crooked. Well, not my septum isn't crooked, but the bottom of my nose still looks like

it's trying to point a certain way. And I went in the other day uh for my last uh what do they not post up but after the operation checkup um a week a week uh a week after and then another week after and then now i have to do wait a whole month so if it's good in a month i'm good he said the surgery he thinks the surgery worked, though. He saw it and he's like, oh, yeah, it definitely worked. He stuck that fucking thing up there, dude. So long, so long.

Numbed it up nice. Stuck it in there. And I said, are you going to clean it out? And he said, it looks good. And been thinking about that since it happened because it didn't really answer my question, but it's all good. I don't know if it's clean or not. But I say, are you going to clean it up? Are you going to clean it out up there?

And he said, it looks good. So that's so so bill delia how he answered that fucking question it's unbelievable so bill bill delia how he answered that question um i hate getting my nose numb to do it i think it's dude i was talking to my this guy i met he's a comedian in um uh he's a comedian i don't want to give too much uh because it's kind of personal information but he's a comedian I don't want to give too much Because it's kind of personal information But he's a comedian And he was talking about how He was like, oh, how did your nose thing go? And I told him

And he said, yeah He said, I'm recovering from a surgery myself And I said, oh, what? He said, he got a vasectomy I can't A vasectomy I can't I mean Getting surgery in your head and getting surgery in your

pleasure zone, you know, whether that's penis, vagina, or anus, right? And I said the clinical terms, so I can't get age restricted here and we can't get demonetized because YouTube's throwing that shit out. But under your penis and testicles, I'm very medical here in this podcast because I don't want to get age-restricted. So behind the testicles and anus or past the penis, you get a vasectomy. What they do, they basically clip your wings, right? Okay. You know what I'm talking about. You can't get women pregnant anymore. And so he said he got a vasectomy. And I'm like, why? I can't wrap my head around someone getting a vasectomy. I cannot wrap my head around it, okay?

Now, he's done having kids. He's had kids. He's with the same woman. He's with his wife, you know. He doesn't want to have any more kids. And that's pretty final, right? So, first of all, there's a whole thing. What if you change your mind?

Okay, fine. You could, yes, go get another surgery and get it reversed. Fine. Okay? yes, go get another surgery and get it reversed. Fine. Okay. But also, dude, just pull out.

All right? Because then they're not sticking knives all in your pleasure zone. Huh? Because then you don't have to have another guy poking around in your pleasure zone with something sharp like an exacto blade really do it really just pull out a little earlier and i said this to him and he said well the um the idea of not pulling out and having an orgasm inside my wife. Wow, it sounds worse when you're clinical with it, really, to be honest. I mean, splurting sounds way less gross to me, right? He says, gets me so excited.

And I go, huh. So excited to have exacto blades sticking around all inside your, you're right, really close to your anus? And he says, yeah. And he said it was three weeks later and he still feels numb down there. Ha! Just pull out. Dude, I do it so early. Right?

When I don't want to have kids, I do it so early. I do it so early. I could like read a magazine in between when I pull out and when I oopsie daisy. I mean, seriously, dude. I read a whole magazine of fucking Cosmopolitan. Pull out, read a whole magazine of fucking L Magazine before I oopsie daisy. You know what I'm talking about? I mean, Jesus, dude.

I swear to God, I'll pull out. I'll read a whole app i'll find out what's wrong all in the back of highlights before i oopsie daisy dude i swear to god man i'll pull out i'll do the new york times crossword puzzle not even on a sunday before i oopsie daisy that's the hard version sunday's easy one. But, I mean, goddamn, dude. How are you bad at pulling out? You know why you're bad at pulling out?

Because it feels too good. You chump. Back up. Back up, dude. Still feels good. What's that? I mean, bacon's amazing, it's not even like the difference between bacon and turkey bacon, turkey bacon fucking sucks, dude, turkey bacon sucks, the only realness with bacon is the real bacon, dude, if you have crispy as shit, and by the way,

you better crisp that up, that's like squirting all up in it. Crispy bacon, dude. Pulling out early, it's still kind of, it's like bacon that's not that crispy, but it's still banging. It's not even like the turkey bacon. It's not like eating turkey bacon,

dude. It's not like eating vegan cheese. It's not like it, dude. Because you're still splurting. I could never get a surgery. I would never get an elective surgery. I guess, no, mine was medical. I needed it. The doctor said my life would be shorter if I didn't get it.

So I got it. He said I could die later on. He said, you want to be around with your kids way if I didn't get it. So I got it. He said I could die later on. He said, you want to be around with your kids way longer? I said, yeah. So I got it. But I just can't imagine getting a vasectomy, dude. I'll just pull out, man. Or stuff some cotton up there or whatever the, you know what I mean?

It's like, hmm. Put a, put some, or wear, you know, condoms, you know, they're not, I mean, I would work, you know, I would do that. I mean, surgery, dude. Crazy. Also, they don't always work. Imagine you got the vasectomy and it didn't work, dude. You got the vasectomy and you still splurted and then you got a kid and then the kid shows up and you're like, well, we did, we actually, no, but we do love you. I'm sorry.

Yes, but yeah, but we love, we do but we do love you. I'm sorry. Yes, but yeah. But we love you. We actually love you. So how about RIP to Paul Sorvino? Dude, my favorite chef died. My favorite chef died. Paul Sorvino. Remember that taxi thing that he did?

Paul, uh, YouTube. Um, yeah, dude. What's up with all these fucking Italian mafia members getting hit? Jesus is the number one hitter, dude. Sorvino. Jesus is whacking everybody. Here we go. Taxi greeting.

Hi, this is Paul Sorvino, actor, singer, chef, New Yorker, seatbelt user. That's right. Two takes. I buckle up for safety, and I hope you do too. Wow, did it in two takes. So short, did it in two takes. Hi, this is Paul Sorvino, actor, singer, chef, New Yorker, seatbelt user. That's right.

I buckle up for safety, and I hope you do too. He had to take a nap after the fucking first five seconds of it, and then they were like, we'd actually like to add to it, and he says you get one shot and did it once and then fucking left immediately. Hi, this is Paul Sorvino, actor, singer, chef, New Yorker, seatbelt user. And then he stares directly at the director and says, I'm taking a break. And then left. Left.

And this was before cell phones. Left. And fucking literally didn't check his messages for so long. And then his agent called him. And his agent wasn't even part of this deal. And his agent goes, you've got to go back and you've got to finish it. And he went back. He said, schedule me for two weeks in advance. Went back even part of this deal. And this agent goes, you've got to go back, and you've got to finish it. And he went back. He said, schedule me for two weeks in advance, went back, and then did this part.

That's right. I buckle up for safety, and I hope you do too. Dude. Yeah, dude. We make shit up, but it was probably true, though, man. We make shit up, but it was probably true. RIP to Paul Sorvino, man. That guy was a hell of an actor.

And I happen to know he had a gold bust of himself in his fucking condo in LA. But we love him, dude. We loved him. And he's a great actor. And he's my favorite chef. And also, fuck, man, that scene where he was giving Ray Liotta the money in Goodfellas. Dude, Ray Liotta. RIP Ray Liotta.

What the fuck is going on with all these Italians? The people are upset about these minorities losing their lives and shit, like trans issues and all that stuff. And yeah, it's very important. But what about fucking actors who play Italian mafia men? They're all getting hit. How many Paulies got whacked by Jesus recently? Danny Aiello was the one who started it all.

Remember when Danny Aiello fucking died? This was like not even a year ago, maybe a year ago. I don't remember. Time is irrelevant, but it happened. Danny Aiello, Ray Liotta, Paul Sorvino, two guys probably who played Paulie. Who else? Tony Sirico, he played Paulie, right? Dude, what's his name?

Always ahead of the curve. Tony Soprano,, what's his name? Always ahead of the curve. Tony Soprano, James Gandolfini, he's ahead of the curve, dude. Al Pacino's next, dude. We need to make a fucking parade for these motherfuckers because their lives are in danger. We need to have a parade

on Santa Monica Boulevard, whatever the most Italian day of the year is, and you got all these motherfucking suit wearers out there on floats, just like... is and you get all these motherfucking suit wearers out there on floats just like all these sunglasses that fucking song there i was on the float guys play fucking five guys playing poker on a float

and then another guy with a with a gun made of flowers just blowing his brains out. That's the float. And then you try to fucking... And as soon as you arrive at the float, when you try to get on the float... Hi, this is Paul Sorvino. Actor, singer, chef, New Yorker, seatbelt user. That's right. I buckle up for safety, and I hope you do too. Ah! Oh, man. We love it, though. Fuck fuck NPR you know how he keeps it we

keeps it real like Italians um so yeah RIP to Paul Savino and uh and Ray Liotta and Danny Aiello and all of and uh James Gandolfini and all the fucking Italian uh guys who played Italian Mafia members they died I guess this was the time man um is what it is saw saw a fucking gray man uh the other day gray man which is uh you know it's i gotta say man

i i want to say this ryan gosling is a captivating actor. I mean, he is a good actor. That dude is good. Yes. Does he sometimes wait too long to say his line? Yes. But is that good acting? Yes. Right?

Take your time. Be patient. If you do acting classes, they say, be patient. You don't have to. Just because you're mad, you don't have to. Just be patient. So Ryan Gosling takes that. I mean, you're probably in a waiting room with him at this point when he's acting they'll be like how are you and he's just like

i'm good and you're just like you just that was i had to watch you act for 11 seconds before you said that you know but he's good he's captivating know? But he's good. He's captivating, right? At least he's watchable. He's like got that Denzel thing where you're just like, okay, I'm watching him and it's cool. And I see behind his face a little bit. And so the first, I don't know, 20 minutes of the movie, it's kind of just him doing shit. And you're just like, I could kind of watch him just kind of walk around. I don't even need to.

He could be, I don't fucking, it doesn't matter really what's happening if he's on the screen. Because he's just. You know what he's doing, dude? Without even knowing it, he's massaging the lens, isn't he? That's what he's doing. Dude, he took the fucking camera to Burke Williams. That's what he does. Right?

That's what he does, dude. He's got a gift certificate to Burke Williams. And he what he does, right? That's what he does, dude. He's got a gift certificate to Burke Williams and he's bringing the camera, right? He's massaging the lens. That's what he's doing, dude. And he does that and like they find out,

you know, it's one of those movies, I'm not going to spoil it, but it's one of those movies where like the people in the movie are like numbers, you know? It's like, yeah, we got to talk to number five. Oh, yeah, he double-crossed us.

Oh, fuck, number eight. Oh, number two double-crossed us, so that's why he's whacked. And we can't seem to find number three. He went MIA in Turkey. Like, all right, you know. And then you got to, like, not only it's hard enough for me to know

who people are in movies anyway, and now I got to, like, keep track of what fucking number they are yeah number six went fucking rogue one of them always went rogue and you're just like all right okay so five so which one is and you're like oh wait ryan gosling is six okay and he just killed four, and then the five is the, okay, and then they're like, well, we're not going to give the job to five, are we, and then you find out, you're like, oh, fuck, okay, and then you find out that Chris Evans is five, and he's a fucking mustache, he has a mustache, and my whole thing with Chris Evans is, dude, I know these are the guys that directed Captain America, which is fucking great, and I know, I guarantee it, they were like, well,

we got to give you a mustache, we don't want you to be Captain America-y is fucking great. And I know, I guarantee it, they were like, well, we got to give you a mustache. We don't want you to be Captain America-y. And the way Chris Evans acts in this movie, dude, since he has a mustache, he might as well twirl it with his fingers. I mean, dude, the guy is having a fucking smorgasbord, dude. I mean, he has got fucking courses. And he's just eating the shit out of the scenes.

And dude, you might as well be fucking... Is that what we think, Mr. Ryan Gosling? Unbelievable, dude. it's unbelievable and then ryan gosling is in there waiting to act because chris evans is doing all the twirly mustache and shits and then there's like and and and anytime ryan gosling or billy uh bob thornton is not on it i'm just like dude i'm out dude because billy bob thornton is not on it, I'm just like, dude, I'm out, dude. Because Billy Bob Thornton is one of those other guys that doesn't need to do much that's fucking good. But dude, they got the guy from Bridgerton in it,

and then this other chick in it. And it's like, whenever they're in the fucking scene, I'm like, can we, you know? Or the fucking, there's another actor in it. And it's, oh, the Ana de armas girl who's who's been good uh before you know um i'm a you know dude they don't want me to get in one of those fucking movies i swear to god oh i swear to fucking christ dude if i get in one of those fucking movies and they happen to not cut me out of it bro bro, Johnny fucking steals the scene.

I swear, I'm going home with that movie. Dude, you put me in a fucking part, I'm going, I'll play whatever, I'm going home with that shit. I show up the first day,

I bring a suitcase, they say, what are you doing? I start putting props in it. They say, what are you doing? We need those for the movie. I say,

that's too bad. I'm going home with this one. What do you want me to do? You want me to play British? I'm going home with this shit. You want me to play Japanese? I'm going home with it, dude. And I don't even fucking do,

I'm not, I don't do it racist either. Like you genuinely feel me Japanese by the middle of the movie. You're i actually forgot chris alia was in it dude did he get shorter for this part i swear to god dude maybe i dye my hair a little bit it gets a little bit blacker even though calvin says my hair is black it's not as brown but maybe i'll straighten it you know not many japanese people out there with wavy hair let's face it i don't say much to it. And I do that 11-second acting that fucking Ryan Golofy does.

What's his name? Ryan Gosling does. And I fucking straight up. It depends how far back you want to go into the past. Just packing it up, packing up the scene. I'll pack up the scene, dude. Just packing it up. Packing up the scene. I'll pack up the scene, dude. I swear to God. You want to put me in your movie, you will get a fucking bang for your buck, dude.

Yeah. But the movie is just like... It's just like, you know, I don't know. Anytime directors, it's like brothers, it's like just one of you guys do it. Like, what the fuck? So, you know, that's like so... The thing about a director is you got to know your shit so well.

And you got to be like, nah, this is how we're doing it. To have two people do it it's like okay well then i already like don't trust it but there's one there's one scene that's like the biggest set piece scene like it's like 20 minutes and it's like ryan gosling is fucking uh handcuffed to a park bench and like a million guys are trying to fucking shoot him and and they can't for some reason and the whole thing is chris evans is trying to kill him the whole movie but in this set piece he's behind he's in another location in in with a bunch of tvs looking at every monitor and telling everyone to kill him and and they're trying to kill him and they can't

monitor and telling everyone to kill him and and they're trying to kill him and they can't and and chris evans is just in the building like haka come on you can't shoot this guy get him where is he there go get him and he's like number number 14 get him get on there he's behind the bench and it's like have him be there have him be there the whole movie is spy versus spy and one spy is tucked away behind some fucking TV screens

have him be there just twirling his mustache he's got movies on one of the fucking TV. Oh, great. That guy died. We got to get calling back up. That's what he's doing. Dude, you got to have the guy there.

Anyway, dude, it's fine. The movie's fine. I don't know. Ryan Gosling's so good. He really is. And I would, I would trust me dude I would tell you if he wasn't hey Hollywood

sup um I got fucking just too much bullshit on TV man I drove by the other day on fucking Sunset Boulevard and it says shark week with your master of ceremonies the rock you know like what how that's the i and i said this before on this podcast i don't understand how much you need to work How much you need to work.

Like. Take. Like. And I don't. I know nothing about The Rock. I'm sure he's a fucking nice person. And a great family man. But it's like.

You've got a billion dollars. What you doing being the master of ceremonies on the Discovery Channel? What you doing? Hey, you got a billion dollars. You have billions and billions of dollars. In your bank account, you don't use billions of dollars. So, The Rock, what you doing? Hey, Rock, what are you doing being the master of ceremonies of Shark Week? There are a few guys who don't have to worry about fucking diluting their brand, though.

Like him, Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart, he's got like shows. It's like, he's like, I got pants now. I'm selling pants. And you're like, oh, okay. Is that even successful? He's like, I'm going to be the'm selling pants. And you're like, oh, okay. Is that even successful? He's like, I'm going to be the first billion-dollar comedian. You want to buy pants?

And you're like, okay, I'll buy these fucking pants that he's selling, I guess. You know? How much could they be paying The Rock for Shark Week, Master of Star? He's probably at home. He's probably at this point got his own studio in his house with a green screen. And he's like, oh, Hammerheads. Oh, boy. Hammerheads are fucking crazy.

Check this footage out of this near-death experience. You don't want to get too close to Hammerheads or Tiger Sharks. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. Just drinking his fucking Tremana or whatever His Ozoa Or whatever the fuck his Fucking power drink is Oh god

Huh You see tiger sharks Just drunk as shit with his shirt off Doing dips Drinking his Ozoa or whatever the fuck it is. Drinking his Moana, whatever the fuck it is. Drinking his fucking Zona iced tea. What the fuck does he make? Who knows, dude? You buy it if you see his face. He's always like this.

Fuck yeah, dude. The Rock. How much are they paying him? $40 million? I mean, much are they paying him? 40 million dollars? I mean what are they paying him? It's probably too much Maybe though I mean Animal Planet or Discovery Whatever the fuck it's on

It's got a lot of money They got a lot of money But what are you doing? Be with your kids Now I don't like saying this Because I don't want to tell somebody Who had a parent But for the joke

Be with your kids. You already fly private. You got gold bullion coming out your anus. Right? Oh, I just took a shit. Oh, I just took a shit. Oh, it's gold. Still flushes it.

Oh. Oh. Got to drink some more Moana. What the fuck? What is it? Ohana? Zoa? Man, I wasn't so far off, man, honestly. Zoa, dude.

I don't know anything about the drink, but I guarantee he's like, from the feeling of being Hawaiian. I guarantee. Like in the commercial or the ad. He's always like. This is the essence of when you're feeling Hawaiian. And you drink it.

And it tastes like that true essence. Of friendship in Hawaii. Or whatever the fuck. Ah. Zoa. If you want a shit gold booyah. From the essence of the family. This is from tried and true family when you're coming up in Hawaii.

You know The Rock is from fucking Detroit or some shit. I just don't understand it. Like Kevin Hart's doing game shows and shit. For what? Ten million dollars? The the name like nine kids never hate on a fucking man kevin hart is i know okay you know i know him he's great guy i'm just this is jokes don't know the rock i'm sure he's a great guy just jokes i actually because i you know what i appreciate those guys i'm making fun but i do appreciate those guys but it's but still how hard you need to work dude that's so crazy to me dude you know what i you know what i'm doing you know what i do

you know what i'm doing if i ever make a hundred million you know what i'm doing if i ever make a fucking hundred million dollars chilling dude for fucking dude you won't you won't see me, dude. You won't fucking see me, man. If I ever make a hundred million dollars, oh dude, I'm walking around in bird box from now on. Dude, hey, if I make $100 million, all of a sudden, everyone's daredevil. Dude, you won't see me. I swear to God, the second I make that $100 million, I say, $50 million. Dude, if I make $50 million, dude, all of a sudden, we're playing hide and seek for the rest of our lives. Where'd Chris D'Elia go?

Oh, I don't know. Check out Bird Box. Dude, you won't. This is, oh, bro, that's it. And the only song I'm ever listening to ever again is fucking. That's it. And the only song I'm ever listening to ever again is fucking That's it, dude. Just fucking watching the last samurai on repeat for the rest of my life i don't give a fuck man i am done dude i'm in a boat somewhere i swear to god naked as shit only wearing a shirt that's it just wearing a shirt just dangling around bleep it to keep it age

restricted i should have said schlong or hot dog whatever the fuck man dude just only a shirt. Only a blazer, actually. That's it. So it's still open. Fucking, or an oversized shirt. It's just fucking, you know, hot dog dangling. So it's like a bell, like a bell, you know, like the shirt puffs out and then like a bell. Whatever, dude. I swear to God, man. I'm done. Okay?

So subscribe to my Patreon, but also don't too much because I'm done when your boy makes 50 milli. A milli, a milli, a milli, a milli, a milli, a milli, a milli, a milli. I love Lil Wayne, dude. When he does that in the beginning of Lollipop. Almost passed out when I did that. I ran out of breath. If you like the channel, subscribe, man. It really helps, man.

You know what I mean? It's all good. Dude, I saw this thing earlier. Hey, pack it up. I saw this earlier. So it's changed now. So everything's changed, right? This is the moment people were worried about.

Everything has changed, okay? Now you might be like, what, Chris? Waiting with bated breath. But I will tell you. But first, I'm trying to get this ad off of my goddamn thing. Here we go. This is from AP News. Chess playing robot breaks child's finger at Moscow event.

Okay. Got to go. Let's pack it up. Here we go. Let's pack it up. Here we go. Let's pack it up. Pack it up.

Gotta pack it up. Some gauze for my nose. Dude. This is the beginning of Terminator right so pack it up dude gotta go you kidding me dude stop with the robots huh god damn it i clicked on something i don't want to continue get it out get it out oh fucking i out. Oh, fucking I opened Keynote, dude. Who the fuck uses Keynote on Apple? Like we're all Steve Jobs?

To the family. Hi, family. I'd like to talk to you about something. Dude, chess playing robot breaks child's finger. Have all fingers to break a child's finger, dude. The child is like rook to fucking mouse five or whatever, and the robot's like, woo!

Ha! The kid, mommy! Woo! I am sorry. Woo! But you, woo! Pissed me off.

Moscow, AP. I like how the fucking shit always reminds you, AP always reminds you that it's AP We know a chess playing robot grabbed The finger of its seven year old opponent And broke it during last week's You know The robot broke the child's finger

Sergei Lazarev president of the Moscow Chess Federation told Russian TASS Agency of course this is bad Oh dude you know I mean so Russian To have no the robot Broke the child's finger TASS agency. Of course this is bad. Oh, dude, you know? I mean, so Russian to have no... The robot broke the child's finger? Of course this is bad.

We get new child soon. No, that's not the... Shouldn't we... No, we get new child. The child has broken finger. We fix by getting new child. A video shared on social media shows the robot taking one of the boy's pieces and then grabbing his finger as he attempts to make him.

What the fuck? That move is illegal. Mom! Now what will you do, little seven-year-old crybaby for adults then rush in struggling to free the boy before leading him away from the chessboard

Lazarus said the chess Federation had rented the robot that appeared in many previous events without incident well he didn't play with a brat probably he said the boy was able to play again the next day And finish the tournament with his finger in a cast I mean, Jesus, dude This is insane

What did you just say to me, Tommy? Fuck you. Crybaby. That move is legal, but it sure isn't nice. Crybaby. Unbelievable, dude. that's it we gotta pack it up ai this is the beginning of the matrix um how about the fact that this fucking

i you know it's like this whole thing about trans uh with the Dave Chappelle thing, he's obviously like, you know, one of the best comedians ever. He's really fucking a dog with a bone with this trans stuff, which, you know, do what you want, man. And I get it. It's a bigger issue. It's about free speech. But this fucking, dude, this is so ridiculous. They canceled a show in Minneapolis. First Avenue is a theater thing.

They canceled a show in Minneapolis hours before it started, and then they apologized for booking him. Dude, this is hilarious. In the beginning of the, what's this? This is the link bounding into comics. don't know it seems dave chappelle just hasn't been able to catch a break following a race of his netflix special last year i mean honestly dude you know he made so many tens of

millions of dollars but still like i i hate that shame dude i hate when people fucking shame people um but like and you know he's doing fine i I think. But like, they apparently, they put out a, somebody signed, there was a petition and 182 people signed it. And that was what did it. 120? 120? 128? I'm dyslexic.

Yes! 128? Dude, that's not even i thought i mean either way it's 128 people signed this fucking petition and they canceled the show more people were gonna bid the show that's unreal to let this the fact that 128 people signed the petition, which means if there was going to even be a protest, it would be way less than that, which means the people in the protest, because it's never, anytime there's like some sort of protest, there's always like the people that actually care. And then there's like, not everybody actually cares. Some people go because it's a thing to do, you know?

Like, you can't tell me that every white chick that joined the Black Lives Matter protest fucking actually gave a shit they just wanted to go and take an instagram picture of it you know what i mean and that's real shit period okay i'm not saying it's not a noble cause i'm not saying it is or isn't i have no fucking idea about black lives matter i have zero idea i have no idea if that lady bought a house with the funding six million dollars i have no idea that's what the press said but i have no fucking idea because we don't want trust the press we don't know we don't know shit about it and i'm not black so i have no fucking idea i'm barely white so um so my point is people like so they took the show away they're letting these fringe

people who's who are doing this protesting dictate because they think their bags are going to get fucking taken, I guess. But boy, did they fumble the bag, dude. And I don't use that kind of slick talk, but boy, did they, man. They just fucking did another theater. It's like, dude, it's a whole thing. If you can't beat them, join them. Just let them fucking play. Let them talk. People are acting like this is like violence towards trans people What Dave Chappelle says Fuck off man You know what's violence? Violence I'm so

It's so annoying Oh this makes people die Dude I tweeted something about fucking This was years ago About pitbulls About how like You never read any fucking articles about Like

Whatever the fuck dogs are Havan these is killing anyone and then i said that but that's what pit boy pit bull owners always fucking going to bat for people saying that they're the sweetest fucking dogs but you never see what the fucking tweet was and like dude whitney cummings called me crying and shit like you're leading this is leading to fucking people uh pit bulls dying pitbulls are gonna fucking die because of this tweet and i'm just like oh i so i she used to be my friend so i took the fucking tweet down and it's like violence is violence dude stop acting like i'm out there with a fucking ak-47 about to shoot a goddamn pitbull because i tweeted about how pitbulls fucking take

legs off of fucking kids and yeah you know what if havanese's were bigger they'd probably do it too i don't fucking know man they were bred that way i don't even give a shit dude i don't even give a shit man violence is violence it's so annoying when people think that because of what dave chappelle said that some group of people are now just like in the fire at the end of a firing squad anyway dude this episode is definitely getting fucking age restricted and demonetized but whatever the fuck man it's like it's like enough already, man. Wear the dress. Cut your hair. Who gives a shit? I don't give a shit.

Do it. I do also think that, you know, he's like a dog with a bone on the other side. It's like now he's just trolling, right? Like now it's like you made your point and now you're just trolling. But it's fucking funny though. You're not going to convince people it's not funny. Dave Chappelle is fucking hilarious and you're not going to convince, people are always going to see him. You know why? Capitalism. They're going to keep going to see him, dude. He's going to keep making people money and he's going to keep making money and people aren't going to stop. You are fighting

a fucking losing battle. If you want equal rights, I get it, dude. You know, but I think you have, do you? I don't know. I guess they're trying to overturn the shit. Some Supreme Court justices, like, they don't want gay people to marry and stuff. I don't really know. I'm too dumb to know any of that shit. I don't read it. I'm and stuff i don't really know i'm too dumb to know any of that shit i don't read it i'm just like you you know let's look at some of this fucking deserve it scale here

oh wait we did the tinder thing again no no no we got to do the tinder thing again dude last time it was so fucking funny this fucking these tinder people what has my life come to here we go this is so these are people on tinder and this is reddit i guess i'm looking at yeah right yeah ready and uh tinder uh these are tinder people talking on tinder from this shit what's it called just tinder okay our tinder uh i'm a third line mac os engineer so i basically do very advanced it support for mac based products and somebody says the person that they're flirting with says so can you tell me why my macbook has red flickering bars whenever i watch anything on netflix driving me mental i swear to god all my

apple products have collectively decided to start dying he says what size macbook do you have he says i want to say 16 inches but i'm not sure to be honest. He says, go to system settings and select energy savings. There you'll find the checkbook, checkbox, automatic graphic switching, which is turned on by default. Uncheck the tick box and flickering stops. Bro, what the fuck is this, dude?

This is on Tinder? This is the least sexy conversation on Tinder I've found. Is this sex this sex talk hey how big's your macbook why are they flirting like this worse flirters dude i have friends like this this is just fucking straight up helpful you're not supposed to be this helpful on fucking tinder aren't isn't i guess people find love on Tinder. Here we go.

Rooftop smokes and a pool sesh? Oh, wow. What a fucking, whoever types like that is awful. How about you go jump on the rooftop? How about you go on the rooftop and jump? Wow, so dick. Just to understand clearly, this guy writes, your response to hang out is

why don't you kill yourself jesus huh people are fucking pieces of shit huh crazy and she wouldn't say it to his face too that's the thing the internet dude it's like that fucking thing when they tried to uh uh never mind i don't want to talk about that um here's another one it's like that fucking thing when they tried to uh man never mind i don't want to talk about that um here's another one sean 39 and this is the bio i'm a single father of three and another one on the way they are my world if you don't have what it takes to help me raise my kids, then move aside and let a real woman step up. Must have your own car, preferably a minivan.

Must be able to cook, clean, and be submissive. Oh, lost it at the end there. No taller than 5'5". Oh, losing it even more. Must be fit. Oh, keeps losing it. Have your own source of income and no kids of your own. Oh, he's hypocritical too.

Lost it in the end there. Oh, dude. That was when like the fucking Red Sox lost the series to the Mets, dude. Just went right to his legs right at the end there. Oh, dude. Wow. I'm a single father of three and another one on the way. Like another one on the way and on Tinder. Like, dude, figure your shit out, dude. Wow. I'm a single father of three and another one on the way. Like another one on the way and on Tinder.

Like, dude, figure your shit out, man. Just keep splurting while swiping left. They're in my world. Not your world. No tolerance. Five, five and need to be submissive, dude. Wow. This guy hit the gamut of stuff.

He's talking about what he needs. Talking about how much he loves his kids And you also gotta be 5'2 Wow Women say the same shit though you know Women are like Gotta be tall That is crazy dude if a guy says that it's sexist

But if a woman says that it's just like Yeah though you gotta be over fucking 6 feet And then you're like okay I want your tits to be at least a C. And they're like, um, perv. Here's another one. Start a convo with hello gets mad when I reciprocate the laziness. She says, hello. He says, hey.

She says, hello. He says, howdy. She says, hello. He says, hola. hey she says hello he says howdy she says hello he says hola and she says stop saying hi and unmatch me because clearly you are too goddamn lazy and incapable of leading a conversation you lazy bitch fuck and then he writes hello dude oh fuck yeah, with the hello.

That's one for the fucking boys, dude. Wow, girls took it with the fucking, I dodged a big cannon and then he fucking took it back with the fucking, wow, man. With the hello. Wow, just a one word hello let's get another one here oh these are fucking hilarious okay here we go so in your is it weird to ask what's he living so in your bio you said you are german do you currently live there or are you still in the States? Someone says, German American. And at the moment I'm in Germany. My bad. Where do you reside? Where do you reside when in the States? She says, why are you hyper-focusing on my location? I mean, you know,

there are seven continents and this is like part of one of them. I don't care where you live. Just curious if our cities are nearby. I mean, this is a dating app and I'm not trying to get into something super long distance if it goes anywhere. Figured it was a pretty reasonable question. Dude, hyper-focusing. And then she writes, and I travel between the two and clearly choose my location for a reason. I do not need to validate my location to you.

I am going to trust my gut here. Oh, wow. That died early, dude. He says, all right, Elo. Kind of weird. This is the tipping point. I wasn't asking for specifics or anything or to validate anything. Like I said, I don't really care whether you live or where you live, but I'm looking for some things and I like to be upfront about it. Sorry, I asked.

Hope you find what you're looking for. I mean, thank God for that guy handling that that way. Yeah. Wow. Dad died early. Got one more here um come on pretty much how most tinder commas go anyone under 25 for me wanted a sugar daddy is what they said uh what do you this just says what starts with what do you mean otherwise and he says i and she says i, money would just be for my time,

but I'm completely open to a physical relationship. He says, how much? He says, 300 per meet. He says, kind of sounds like paying for an escort hooker, LOL. She says, LOL, I don't know. Sugar babies have been a popular, super popular thing lately. And he says, eating Tide Pods was popular for a while too. Wow, dude. Well well you know what props to her for fucking leading it with a you know also was sex involved

here do they get to have sex or is it like just 300 for hanging the fuck out because if it's 300 to meet up for possibility of sex not worth it although that, that's what dating is, right? For a lot of guys out there. A lot of guys how much is dinner? I mean $100? $300? So $100 and then $300 to $400 and then does he get to fucking doink? Maybe he

gets to doink, maybe not. That's not worth it. $400, I don't think that's worth it to maybe doink. If it's a definite doink, then maybe for him. Let's look at some of the Deservet scales that we've collected. Here we go. On drunk people doing things.

Oh, dude. So drunk. Got a platter on a boat. Straight in the fucking water. Wow, he actually tried to jump on a fucking what do you call those dinghy he tried to jump on a dinghy dude and just straight up jumped into the water like he was trying to go for a dip like was no hesitation with the plate the best was that he took the food for the boat wow what, what a fucking asshole. Deserve it, scale 7, no doubt.

Okay, WCGW parkour on... Oh, already a 10. Dude, if you do a parkour... Well, unless you die, then it's... Here we go. Parkour on wet handles and poor physique condition. I mean, you gotta be so fucking

fit to do parkour. I mean, you got to be so fucking fit to do parkour. I do it. Oh. Oh. Oh, I mean, did he think? Oh, God, he broke himself. So that's cool. Dude, he flipped.

Oh, of all the pools to do it into. That's the worst pool I've ever seen in my life. Dude, so slippery. So bitch, how he too. That's the worst pool I've ever seen in my life. Dude, so slippery. So bitch, how he grabbed. Let's look at it again, dude. Running up. Trying to literally do. Try to do a handstand.

God, that guy just looks like a fucking, like a piece of shit on a couch, you know? And he just fucking goes to grab the handles and do a handstand to flip over. Can't get all the way. Just gives up in the middle and smashes his back on the lip of the pool, dude. That deserve it scale is eight. That's pretty high, dude, because of how fucking wow that was and how funny it was and

how he probably didn't die and how he didn't get, he didn't get paralyzed. So it's okay. But holy fuck, you know? God, that's funny as shit. Cool how the fucking internet's taking so long. God, people get drunk and they don't give a fuck. I've never back up.

I've never been drunk. Here we go. What is WCGW? Oh, what could go wrong? God, I'm so fucking... Sliding down the staircase. Oh, no, dude. Right?

I mean, this guy's gonna fucking just fall to his death, right? Internet's taking a long time. We may have to fucking cut this. Here we go. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. oh no oh no oh no the silence dude the fact that nobody said shit

wait but wait if he was like this is how people actually die. Do you know what I mean? Like, this is crazy. Like people die with, by mistakes like this and sounds aren't made. Oh fuck. That's actually blowing my mind. That people just die like this. It doesn't make a sound.

They don't say shit and they just instantly die. And then they're found. Dude, that is, that is blowing my mind right now am i on codeine this is fucking crazy dude hold on look nobody's even saying anything before he's doing it this is oddly silent holy fucking shit Holy fucking shit. Oh, fuck. The way he fell. Dude, he's on the ground like this.

Like he is out, this dude. And the chick tried to catch him a little bit, but she had her phone in her hand and she fell down too. I wish this went on longer man The least fun party dude Oh god that's I have Never Seen an Airbnb If that isn't in an Airbnb

100% dude This is unreal Oh it says no one was harmed seen an Airbnb if that isn't in an Airbnb. A hundred percent, dude. This is unreal. No one, oh, it says no one was harmed. Dude found an even quicker way down thinking outside the box, I like it. He said, that's funny.

Man. Don't go too far if you're going to do slides down there, I think, you know. Also, just don't do those. Oh, let's go. that one is a nine, you know. Here's a damaging your expensive drone for a stunt. Oh, he's on his drone.

So loud. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oof. Oof. Oh. Oh, standing on a drone. Don't stand on a drone, guy.

He's got a helmet on for safety and then throws a ball. You see that coming for so long? Oh! How much is that drone, dude? Deserve it. That's a 10. No, I'm sorry. That's an 8. It wasn't that funny, dude? Deserve it. That's a 10. No, I'm sorry, that's an 8. It wasn't that funny, but oh my God.

Oof, God, drones are so annoying, huh? There was once a drone in my backyard. I couldn't do anything about it. Just sat there for a bit, and I looked at it, and I stared. I was acting like I was Ryan Gosling, just staring, waiting to talk. Okay, here's the last deserved scale.

This one was supposed to really... Crossing the river. What could go wrong crossing the river? Here's the... What's it like a Jeep Grand Cherokee? Just in... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh in oh oh oh I wish this was the Jeep commercial oh it's gone dude Hey, crawl out Oh my god, dude It looks like that was what we were supposed to do

The new Jeep Grand Cherokee All terrain Take it anywhere Oh god, okay Well Back up Get out, get out Get out of the car The new Jeep Get out of the fucking car Okay, well, back up. Get out, get out.

Get out of the car. The new Jeep. Get out of the fucking car. That's the commercial. Dude, get out. Oh, dude, I would be crying if this happened. To me or to my friends or I was there and saw it happen, I would be crying. I would jump in, try to help them.

I'm a superhero. That is fucking, I gotta say that's an eight. It wasn't that funny, but god damn don't do that. Take the longer way, you know? Never gonna get there that way. Hey guys, that's the end of the episode on YouTube. If you want to go catch the uncut,

raw, unedited, uncensored version, go over to patreon.com slash Chris D'Eelia, where we also drop an extra episode a month. And we also, I just did a, I just sat down with Kristen here and I did a thing. Also another one, because the other one went so

well. I did that one and it's only for Patreon. Anyway, it's only six bucks. We also do review mode. We do a bunch of different stuff over on the Patreon, so go on over. Patreon.com slash christhelia, and we'll see you there.